It’s not a house. It’s a playground. | The Book Club day 2

Published on by LS Harteveld

In The Book Club, I write a post and include one Chapter of my novella Demons and Daemons.
The diary entry from Demons and Daemons is really short, and I wrote a column today, about how I would totally want to live together!

I’m sure there must be better examples in popular culture to describe what my ideal “love nest” would be;
But right now only the villa from Pippi Longstocking comes to mind.
A place she completely made to fit her own needs.
One of them was that the horse was allowed to walk freely through the house.
And if I Google her house and see the 1987 movie one is in Florida, this villa definitely falls into the category:
“I could get used to a place like this!”
And if I ever get to live together with a man, I m sure he ll feel the same.

So, in the 3 weeks I wrote “Demons and Daemons”, by posting about 14 out of 21 days on my Facebook page.
During that time, one of the things that saddened me, was people finding love and moving in together, having a “real” relationship.
And I started to think that me not fancying that, not in that way, was one of the reasons almost none of them had stayed.

I would not want to share as much as a teaspoon with most men, let alone live with them -and especially not in the civilized, neatly tidied apartments or houses I usually see them occupying- but still;
It stings.

Yet even without throwing in extra sexual favors, I still believe I m a great person to have a relationship with, and to live with too.

So to see then everybody building little love nests, even if it’s nests you wouldn’t want or locations you wouldn’t want;
Part of you wished you had someone to do that with.

One of the things I ve come to realize is that what I actually want and what would be a “Hell Yes” for me, actually resembles more of a shared living space for students, than a house of a family or a couple.
That my Hell Yes, is quit rare for grownups to want.
Just like Villa Villekulla.

It’s hard to use the correct English terms, because it might be unique to The Netherlands, but until well into the 20th century (it is slowly dying out now, after having flourished for a hundred years or so) people who went to college around the age of 18, would move out of their parents house and rent a room in a big house.
Every student resident had their own room usually with a sink. 
All other amenities were shared, and each resident usually had their own cabinet in the kitchen as well.
There were student houses where everybody lived separately, which was where I lived, but the bigger houses or some of the smaller houses as well, they had the pinnacle of these Dutch student dorms;
A common living room.

So although students usually also had a tv in their room, and a couch;
The main attraction of student dorms like this was the common room.

Over the past few weeks I ve received much clarity over what I would want out of a relationship, in phase 2.
So after you’re done screwing your brains out (phase 1), or better yet you’re still doing that, and you’re ultimately like:
“I kinda like you. What do you say we move in together?”
Then what do you go for?
I think one of the reasons my relationships stranded or didn’t take off, is because my mind went completely blank when it came to phase 2, and in particular on the topic of moving in together.

If you’re not going for a top to bottom refurbished, decorated, color coded house with design furniture;
What do you go for?

The idea of the student’s dorm was the only thought that not just appealed to me, but that actually got me all the way to:
“OMG OMG THAT WOULD BE SO AWESOME OMG!
A response the average love nest has never gotten from me.

So, what is it, that I saw as the ideal love nest of a phase 2 relationship?

To just get one thing out of the way: I would vote for a shared bedroom.
This is not good for your sex life, so that’s why I mention it.
With me being a strong advocate for a good sex life, this choice for a nuptial bed requires some explaining.

It is because the main perk of living like in a student dorm is a great sense of comradery.
You’re friends way more than lovers.
So yes, sleeping together reduces the sexual tension, and it’s not good for your sex life, BUT!
You’re gonna love this- 
This will be lavishly compensated for in another bedroom, which will ONLY be used for sex.
A stylish, hotel chic bedroom, that has the calm of a real hotel.
Or more of a boudoir or brothel style, where we can play for hours on end.
We can also switch it around a bit. Changing the theme of our sex room, would be a nice way to mark the change of seasons!

In summer our chamber of lust could sport an ancient Rome style, with all white, terracotta pots, mosaic and roman busts.
And gladiators, slaves….
And in winter we can go for a heavy red with velvet style.
Our playroom would have everything you need for hours of play.

So with one room entirely dedicated to our sex life, I think it’s reasonably safe to sleep together without much happening, the other nights of the week.
And it’s really good for bonding.
Both bedrooms are.

A separate sex room doesn’t strike me as something most couples want or prioritize, but I think the biggest difference between what I want and what most couples want, is what I would call the common room.

It is tempting to say a common room is the same as a family’s living room.
Not true!
A family’s living room is kept tidy, and presentable to the world.
A common room is no such thing.
It is entirely “designed”, grown organically would have been a better way to put it, around spending leisure time.

In our ideal house we would have all our music and tv there. An extra computer. Our dvd’s.
Not our books- those would be in our separate rooms because you read them by yourself.
Maybe you’re counting with me, but I do admit my ideal shared house doesn’t come cheap.
We each have our own room, so with a shared bedroom and our playroom, our house has four rooms and a common room or living. 

The common room would be all about leisure and have that student dorm like charm.
Our dvd collections and music collections and all our equipment would be there.
And we’d have a big couch or maybe couches, and we’d binge watch series on Netflix and be totally unapologetic about the fact that our entire house looked like a student dorm for two people, and two cats.

And a beautiful and exciting room, just for sex.

You know what?
I just realized I never needed a man for me to have all these things.
Maybe the Pippi Longstocking comparison was right all along!
Pippi lives alone, and she doesn’t seem to crave company other than her pets.

I, or you, or anybody really; We don’t need to be hitched to create our ideal home. 
And I just decided that I am going to create it.
For me. t’s because living.

Suzanne/ Lauren

You just read a new column.
In this series, The Book Club, I write a column or note, and share a chapter from the novella Demons and Daemons 

Today’s post from Demons and Daemons, chapter 2, was the actual first chapter.
The first post I wrote of what would later be collected as Demons and Daemons.
I was working really hard trying to extract my manuscripts from all the sites, trying to create books.
And it was starting to weigh on me.
This is what I wrote:

CHAPTER TWO – Untitled Notes from Lauren #1

day 1, Monday July 13
.
Things are pretty messed up here –
and it’s largely because processing/ rereading all my old work has been extremely stressful.
.
I m planning on publishing everything I have not published, to “celebrate” going offline.
That there really will be a before and after.
But so far it’s more a before I lose my mind, and after.
And I seem eons away from Before I Became A Proper Writer, and after.

So I adjusted my goals to simply getting it done, and let go of the future or the outcome.
Just get it done.
Just get it.
Just.
One of the things I want to start doing to keep myself breathing, is reread notes I made and that I don’t want to forget.
Today’s one is:
“Do the content only you can do.”
I m the only one who can mix diary writing, with 1995 inspired fiction, with Bon Jovi, with sexuality.
Or at least I used to be before my entire life went awol.
Or at least I used to.
Or.
.
~Lauren.

Chapter 3 of Demons and Daemons,
will be shared tomorrow,
in a new episode of The Book Club

Subscribe to the blog or follow social media:
Facebook page LS Harteveld
Twitter: https://twitter.com/LSHarteveld

.

Books LS Harteveld/ Lauren

Lauren’s books are available at LULU
New books will also be added to Lulu, as sites are being curated.


ABOUT ME

I am Suzanne, the real name of Lauren Harteveld,
Lauren/ LS Harteveld was my second identity under which I wrote about sex, relationships, pop culture, from 2006 to 2020.
Lauren is now in 1995, so she will write offline for us.
Her first year 1994-1995 is available online:

.
coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2020
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- (Dutch)
5. ALL THE THINGS – unpublished work 2010 – 2020

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.
.
Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/

A Map Into Unknown | The Book Club day 1

Published on by LS Harteveld

Around my birthday, I experienced three weeks of prolific writing.
.
Yesterday, I collected all those posts, which I had written on Facebook.
I refer to the habit of writing without notifying your subscribers, without posting it to a blog, as “illegal blogging”.
It’s like a hall pass, it doesn’t count!
And from those collected posts, I created one official post.
A book I called
Demons and Daemons.
.
A Daemon is a creative force, a spirit, and we all know what demons are.
.
After harvesting all these “illegal” posts on Facebook, I wrote a new introductory post.
A first Chapter.
To recap what had happened, in these what seemed insane weeks.
And trying to give a helicopter view of what I had, almost inadvertently created;
A small book, a novella.
But also:
A journey through the deepest layers of my mind.

Pasting together all the pieces made me feel like Will’s mother in the series Stranger Things.
Her son, possessed by an evil entity, starts drawing what he can see inside of him, and once his mother realizes it are not individual drawings, but that they are like a puzzle;
His mother starts gluing them together.
.
Around the entire house, a structure, a map, is formed, from all those individual drawings.
.
Will has drawn a map of an unknown world.
A dark world, where few people have access to.
The world he currently lives in, with the entity possessing his mind.
.
In 21 days, I created such a map.
A map, into Unknown
.
.
Suzanne/ Lauren

The Book Club is my new diary, where we can read the novella Demons and Daemons (my previous post) together.
Subscribe to this blog to receive them in you mailbox.
The subscription button is on this page, probably on the top right.

CHAPTER ONE – DEMONS AND DAEMONS

.
Half July I started writing on Facebook.
Dark posts.
Incomprehensible posts, sometimes. 
Posts that became irrelevant because things worked out.
For example for my books; They all turned out fine.
For example for my websites: I decided to keep all my work online, and not remove 500 blog posts.
.
But underneath all the turmoil and the struggle, something else developed too.
Once you see it, you cannot unsee;
It was as if The Dark Side took over..
.
Just like Luke Skywalker who drew back to the island Ahch-To so that he (a Jedi) could no longer make the wrong decisions-
that’s how I tried to refrain from writing.
.
If only I could refrain from writing, my life would be better.
If only I could refrain from writing, the man or men in my life would want me again.
I would make money doing a normal job.
I would be happy and my entire life would be one big pink and rainbow colored unicorn universe.
And not the life of a writer, fighting dark forces;
A battle always on the edge of a knife.
.
If I could only refrain from writing, all would be well.
.
The demon, the evil power, and the daemon, the creative spirit or genius, are only one letter apart.
And from the two, only the word demon made it into our lexicon.
.
We all know of famous writers who have gone mad.
Even if you’re not a creator yourself, it must come as no surprise that a writer never knows if they’re going to make it back from the other side, anymore than a Jedi knows he will not die by the sword.
At the end of this collection of posts, which I have called Demons and Daemons, I refer to Stranger Things; The Netflix series about a parallel world called The Upside Down, where everything is like in the real world, but bad and very dark.
People get lost in there.
.
The risk to get lost into darkness, is not just upon entering the portal to a parallel universe.
It is also the fate of a writer.
You go into a fantasy world, and you don’t know if it’s the darkness of the Upside Down, a rainbow unicorn place, or a mixed bag like Alice in Wonderland.
Day after day;
You don’t know.
You have no idea what you’re getting yourself into.
.
With regard to my love life, some things happened behind the scenes.
This year, I ve decided to quit online writing about my love life, so you will not find any of it here.
But I once wrote a post:
“It’s always about a man. And if it’s not about a man, it’s also about a man.”
.
In the three weeks I wrote Demons and Daemons, through my daily Facebook posts, I tried to keep my word and keep my love life out of it.
But since it’s always about a man, and even if it’s not about a man it’s about a man?
Trust me when I say that the best way to read it, is as one metaphor for my love life.
.
That as in business, as in love.
As in mental health, as in love.
.
And if I follow a topic and start writing, whether I end up in the Upside Down, the rainbow unicorn world, or in a world of mixed experiences just like Alice?
It’s all a reflection of the inner world.
Just as for many people the outer world, is a reflection of their inner world, the same thing is true for my writing.
If I write about my thoughts and experiences in the outer world, I still share with you my inner world.
And it’s still always about a man.
.
To me, the final diary entry, day 20 called “Committed”, is the moment I find my true love.
.
But whether he’s a Demon or a Daemon, I guess time will tell.
.
~Lauren
and Suzanne/ Lauren
Day 21, August 2, 2020

Chapter 2 of Demons and Daemons,
will be shared tomorrow,
in a new episode of The Book Club

Subscribe to the blog or follow social media:
Facebook page LS Harteveld
Twitter: https://twitter.com/LSHarteveld

.

Books LS Harteveld/ Lauren

Lauren’s books are available at LULU
New books will also be added to Lulu, as sites are being curated.


ABOUT ME

I am Suzanne, the real name of Lauren Harteveld,
Lauren/ LS Harteveld was my second identity under which I wrote about sex, relationships, pop culture, from 2006 to 2020.
Lauren is now in 1995, so she will write offline for us.
Her first year 1994-1995 is available online:

.
coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2020
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- (Dutch)
5. ALL THE THINGS – unpublished work 2010 – 2020

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.
.
Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/

“Demons and Daemons” a Facebook novella by Suzanne/Lauren

Published on by LS Harteveld

Half July I started writing on Facebook.
Dark posts.
Incomprehensible posts, sometimes. 
Posts that became irrelevant because things worked out.
For example for my books; They all turned out fine.
For example for my websites: I decided to keep all my work online, and not remove 500 blog posts.
.
But underneath all the turmoil and the struggle, something else developed too.
Once you see it, you cannot unsee;
It was as if The Dark Side took over..
.
Just like Luke Skywalker who drew back to the island Ahch-To so that he (a Jedi) could no longer make the wrong decisions-
that’s how I tried to refrain from writing.
.
If only I could refrain from writing, my life would be better.
If only I could refrain from writing, the man or men in my life would want me again.
I would make money doing a normal job.
I would be happy and my entire life would be one big pink and rainbow colored unicorn universe.
And not the life of a writer, fighting dark forces;
A battle always on the edge of a knife.
.
If I could only refrain from writing, all would be well.
.
The demon, the evil power, and the daemon, the creative spirit or genius, are only one letter apart.
And from the two, only the word demon made it into our lexicon.
.
We all know of famous writers who have gone mad.
Even if you’re not a creator yourself, it must come as no surprise that a writer never knows if they’re going to make it back from the other side, anymore than a Jedi knows he will not die by the sword.
At the end of this collection of posts, which I have called Demons and Daemons, I refer to Stranger Things; The Netflix series about a parallel world called The Upside Down, where everything is like in the real world, but bad and very dark.
People get lost in there.
.
The risk to get lost into darkness, is not just upon entering the portal to a parallel universe.
It is also the fate of a writer.
You go into a fantasy world, and you don’t know if it’s the darkness of the Upside Down, a rainbow unicorn place, or a mixed bag like Alice in Wonderland.
Day after day;
You don’t know.
You have no idea what you’re getting yourself into.
.
With regard to my love life, some things happened behind the scenes.
This year, I ve decided to quit online writing about my love life, so you will not find any of it here.
But I once wrote a post:
“It’s always about a man. And if it’s not about a man, it’s also about a man.”
.
In the three weeks I wrote Demons and Daemons, through my daily Facebook posts, I tried to keep my word and keep my love life out of it.
But since it’s always about a man, and even if it’s not about a man it’s about a man?
Trust me when I say that the best way to read it, is as one metaphor for my love life.
.
That as in business, as in love.
As in mental health, as in love.
.
And if I follow a topic and start writing, whether I end up in the Upside Down, the rainbow unicorn world, or in a world of mixed experiences just like Alice?
It’s all a reflection of the inner world.
Just as for many people the outer world, is a reflection of their inner world, the same thing is true for my writing.
If I write about my thoughts and experiences in the outer world, I still share with you my inner world.
And it’s still always about a man.
.
To me, the final diary entry, day 20 called “Committed”, is the moment I find my true love.
.
But whether he’s a Demon or a Daemon, I guess time will tell.
.
~Lauren
and Suzanne/ Lauren
Day 21, August 2, 2020

 

Untitled Notes from Lauren #1, Mon 13 July

day 1
.
Things are pretty messed up here –
and it’s largely because processing/ rereading all my old work has been extremely stressful.
.
I m planning on publishing everything I have not published, to “celebrate” going offline.
That there really will be a before and after.
But so far it’s more a before I lose my mind, and after.
And I seem eons away from Before I Became A Proper Writer, and after.

So I adjusted my goals to simply getting it done, and let go of the future or the outcome.
Just get it done.
Just get it.
Just.
One of the things I want to start doing to keep myself breathing, is reread notes I made and that I don’t want to forget.
Today’s one is:
“Do the content only you can do.”
I m the only one who can mix diary writing, with 1995 inspired fiction, with Bon Jovi, with sexuality.
Or at least I used to be before my entire life went awol.
Or at least I used to.
Or.
.
~Lauren
.

.

Untitled Notes from Lauren #2, Tuesday July 14

day 2
.
I cancelled all my other obligations, to focus on my books for the upcoming 7 weeks..

On. September 1st, I want all my LSH websites cleaned out, everything available in print, and to never have to reread my old life again.
.
In particular nothing of the past 3 years.
.
One of the things I ve been pushing down is my best friend migrating in 2017.
The life where I had a friend who did weekly nights out or tv with me; Who slept over and with whom I had a natural way of being, where we didn’t even have grown up conversations.
It was so cute.
So much fun.

And it hurt so much when she left I just decided to ignore it.
.
And let my life fall apart for three years to come, apparently.
.
—
.
One of the things I want to start doing to keep myself breathing, is reread notes I made and that I don’t want to forget.
.
Today’s one is:
I want to write a book combining sexual awakening with pop culture.
Stories of sexual awakening illustrated with Star Wars, Madonna, Bon Jovi.
.
And judging from the hundreds of blog posts I copy pasted today – there is a fair chance I already wrote it.
.
~Lauren

.

Untitled Notes from Lauren #3, Wednesday July 15

day 3
.
After ten days of wrestling my demons, I m out on the other side!
.
I ve done a ton – a ton!! – of work and curating and publishing my work is the highlight of this year.
And the result is going to incredibly beautiful.
.
I m still planning One Big Book with ALL unpublished work -but the title is no longer All The Things.
I m changing it to Rough and Ready.

And I hope many people will understand that in a sexual way.
A writer can dream!
.
So everything is absolutely brilliant here.
It’s going to take my entire summer – but I m convinced that I ll get the big book ready asap, as well as 8 smaller books that contain rounded stories.
When I wrote online, I often wrote on 3 different series at the same time.
That’s why I can easily see how many smaller books I have.
.
PS:
My websites are still up, so if you want to take a quick browse, always welcome!
Here’s the main one: https://laurenharteveld.com/
And here the archive (English & Dutch): http://www.lsharteveld.nl/
.
The Dutch site no longer has everything on there, but a lot is still online: https://zegmaarlauren.com/
.
I don’t know when I m going remove or hide content – but ultimately all sites will be emptied out,
a very practical reason is that I cannot keep the pages current and updated.
Links are outdated as it is already.
.
—
.
One of the things I want to start doing to keep myself breathing, is reread notes I made and that I don’t want to forget.
.
Today’s one is:
I needed to build a wall between public me, or publisher me, sales person me, marketing me –
and the creator LS Harteveld.
.
My work is so deeply personal, there is a reason I have not been selling my work.
I was simply not capable of selling it, without breaking down.
But I m also incredibly happy I do not have a publisher, because I do not like the idea of someone else taking ownership of it.
.
But a firewall if you will, needs to be build.
And is being build as we speak.
I ve made the real, everyday me Suzanne the caretaker of my work.
She’s the steward.
.
And it is so freeing.
.
I feel like a curse has been lifted.
I m behind a wall now, but I have never felt more free
.
~Lauren

.

Untitled Notes from Lauren #4, Thursday July 16, 9 P.M.

day 4
.
I think today was payday for having an extraordinary good day yesterday..

A part of me is still optimistic:
Cleaning out my websites and publishing all my work – both in one rough version with all the things as well as creating separate books with complete stories – is a good thing.

A fresh start.
After September 1st I will be a proper author:
My real work will be offline – and published straight to paper, not posted to a blog.
.
Everybody who meets me in my new fresh career as grey mouse nobody, will know I am a writer.
Perhaps even know my pen name – but it’s OKAY!
20 books out, that’s respectable capital R.
.
Yeah, yeah: Such a good choice to clear out the blogs and have that sensitive content no longer available to “the public” meaning people I meet in real life I have no control over.
.
So smart.
.
Oh, and the other part of me doesn’t know the difference between preparing for a job in the normal world and removing sensitive content on one hand;
And getting your affairs in order because you’re dying and you have to leave all that you value behind.
.
Doesn’t know the difference between not blogging as LS Harteveld, and death.
.
—
.
One of the things I want to start doing to keep myself breathing, is reread notes I made and that I don’t want to forget.
.
Today’s one is:
That the reason I feel so angry towards a fictional employer, imaginary colleagues and anger towards myself because I have not been able, nor prioritized, making money from my writing –
is because I’m angry at “them” for taking my soul.
.
But not nearly as angry as I am with myself for willingly killing myself off before going in.
.
But judging from how poorly I m currently doing at the idea of (involuntarily) cleaning out my blog –
I didn’t need to write that down, nor have I forgotten.
.
I know.
.
And in the words of Kylo Ren:
“I know what I have to do. I just don’t know if I have the strength to do it.”
.
He made the wrong choice by the way, after that –
Let me commit to making tomorrow a better day.
.
And making the right choice.
.
~Lauren

.

Untitled Notes from Lauren #5, Friday July 17

day 5
.
Today was okay-ish!
Which definitely means it was a hundred percent better than yesterday.
And my books have arrived, and after the Lulu software update, my books are still good to go!
The copies are as they always were:
.
With regard to my plans to basically wipe out my entire existence from the internets, in favor of publishing more books and feeling stronger when I get a job;
I ve decided to not delete my English content, in order to feel “safe” in the real world.
Dutch content though?
No verdict yet.
Not just because I m changing my life to creating space for a normal job, and Dutch content is indeed more readily digestible, it speaks to people.
No… that isn’t it.
You know, I d be pretty stupid if I would delete content that speaks to people.
No the reason I m considering deleting the Dutch content is because it’s not 100% me…. there is a layer of downplaying and false self-deprecating going on there that seems almost inborn to the language itself.
.
If I go out into the world I want to fully back myself.
Modesty, normality, hell even accessibility and relatability?
Not my forte.
Not my brand.
Not me.
.
I m seriously still considering deleting the Dutch content but with regard to the English content I m more prone towards a serious clean-up, archiving the blog posts if you will;
Keeping them online in a low maintenance text-only version, and making clear references to programs I m no longer selling, a YouTube channel I no longer have and so on –
is just part of its authenticity.
It’s part of the story.
.
I m thinking about it…
But I feel a lot lighter and happier than I have all week.
—
.
One of the things I want to start doing to keep myself breathing, is reread notes I made and that I don’t want to forget.
.
Today’s one is:
A Daimon or a Daemon is a spirit being that creates your art with you and through you.
It has been described in literature dating from the ancient Greeks.
And I keep wondering what mine looks like.
I THINK he looks like Lucifer from the series.
But I KNOW how he works!
.
Because my Daemon seduces me very, very skillfully.
He says: “Oh just one little blog post. Humor me.”
And he taps the bed next to him.
.
And then five hours later we have a 5000 word story, my hair is all messed up, I ve missed all my appointments, and when I look at him as in:
“But you said we were just…”
He shrugs, barely caring at all!
“Oh well….” he says, as he lights up his cigarette.
.
And we both know I ll say yes the next time he asks.
.
That’s my Daemon.
.
~Lauren.

.

Untitled Notes from Lauren #6, Saturday July 18

day 6
.
I had an amazing day, but it was a bit much to take in.
So I m not exactly radiating my Saturday night away, but I can feel an incredibly important shift in my energy, and in me accepting myself just like Lucifer in the series on Netflix.
.
Today was so much about realizing;
“Okay, I m going to be smarter with my writing to make money/ I m going to be smarter with my writing to please an employer or at least not stand out like a sore thumb, I m going to be smarter with my writing to not scare every man away because he ll know he get into my blog”
.
Okay, okay, okay.
I get it.
But really?
.
And then where Lauren Harteveld, real name Suzanne, where, my Love, is it going to end?
With you mousing your way through Plain Jane Life in a way God nor the Devil ever wanted for you?
That’s the plan, uhm?
.
Today, I, under all my names, and I like to think with the support of every celestial being appointed with the task of guarding my fate;
We all agreed that that was indeed, NOT the plan.
.
~Lauren
—
.
One of the things I want to start doing to keep myself breathing, is reread notes I made and that I don’t want to forget.
.
Today’s note is about the three core practices that are my creativity in its most rudimentary form.
The first one is play; silliness, fun.
The second is investigating. Like when I study Bon Jovi materials, or marketing. Or watch Lucifer or another series, especially the ones I have on dvd.
The third practice is alignment or mysticism.
What is aligned for me today?
.
An accompanying note is about the role of advisors in my life.
Some official, my coaches or teachers.
Some are very unofficial, like Jon Bon Jovi and the men I am in love with.
Although they do not coach me, nor teach me, I learn from them.
Sometimes I learn to back myself when they make choices I would not.
Sometimes I learn new things by following their lead or interest.
But with all advisors there is such an incredible sense of love, and gratitude.
.
Speaking of which, yesterday night I started a gratitude journal. Because I felt my heart and life were simply overflowing with it;
I wanted to capture it.
And today too, I ve written down all the wonderful things that happened today.
.
You know, maybe I am radiating my Saturday night away, after all.
.
~Lauren

.

Untitled Notes from Lauren #7, Sunday July 19

day 8
.
I spent an hour writing a post –
Only to have it eaten by Fb because the Gif was too short to upload.
.
I even copied it because I knew that could happen!
But the copy FAILED!
Just 5 words instead of a thousand.
.
The post was about Faith.
So I have FAITH this was meant to be.
.
~Lauren
.

A New Journey Begins

in the movie Basic Instinct Sharon Stone plays a writer, Catherine Tramell

day 13, Saturday July 25

.
“After God’s Omen of having my text disappear into thin air on the day of the lord,
one is of course aware that signs are being sent and caution is called for!”
.
It is exactly one week ago that I posted an Untitled Notes from Lauren here on Facebook.
I did write one more, on Sunday, but that one was eaten by Facebook editor AND it was also eaten by the copy paster, which had only copied 4 sentences instead of the thousand or so words.
.
Because these Facebook notes – also known as the feast called “illegal blogging” where I feel less pressure because it’s not posted to a blog (sometimes I harvest them later, and blog them together) – do have a habit of becoming lengthy.
Usually the length a normal blogger would publish to the blog without hesitation, but I still prefer them here.
Illegally.
.
So what happened?
Well after God’s Omen of having my text disappear into thin air on the day of the lord, one is of course aware that signs are being sent and caution is called for!
.
And indeed, despite holding up day-by-day reasonably well, and even writing both as Lauren and under my real name (Suzanne) that things were going really good;
This was all a matter of perspective.
Good lighting so to speak.
The way a photographer chooses to portray his model in a certain way.
.
In the same way I too, always tend to focus on the positive and not dramatize things.
But there was some stuff happening behind the scenes that showed me (as many posts confess a conclusion I ve drawn about six times in the last 2,5 years)
that the time has come to stop ->online<- writing as LS Harteveld.
.
So I did.
.
And because it came together with the realization – not to say disillusion – that my 14 year long journey in search of the right relationship style and my sexual preferences, had come to an end, it was a bit of a two puncher.
.
First coming to a conclusion that LS Harteveld had to stop writing online.
(a conclusion which had been drawn before)
And that my 14 year journey had come to an end.
(something never thought before)
.
In 2006 I broke up with my partner after 14 years, and went in search of what I did want – hoping to find an explanation why I wasn’t satisfied in a healthy and fun relationship we were having.
That question is answered.
.
But because it involved things like “secrecy” “forbidden fruit” “double identities” yada yada –
Oh!
Almost forgot the most important one.
It also involves:
“Men with whom you have fantastic sex still not choosing for you”
So that was a bummer when you find out you’re still losing the best guys the same way you did as a teen-
but I m already way too elaborate.
So anyway!
Back to why the result of the 14 year long journey was that the blog, the honesty, the entire sex thing on paper – had to go,
was because if I have a chance of a normal relationship – a guy choosing me for once – and the great sex becomes a great relationship, just like it did 28 years ago;
In that case The Lady cannot have a blog.
.
And not just because HE would not accept it if he is known as my partner and I write about how I finally get it in all the ways, and all the days, and how I m now finally in sexual nirvana;
No.
I would not want that.
I don’t want to blog about going steady.
.
I would get totally freaked out if the man I seeing intimately and we’re together day after day, if I would at the same time be writing about him.
.
Writing here – online as LS Harteveld – was a journey of self-discovery.
But it will prevent relationships to grow, maybe it already has.
They might never go beyond the secret-lover status, and if they do, then I am the one who doesn’t want to blog anymore.
If I knew beforehand I would never ever get into something serious, I could keep it up.
But that’s not the case.
.
So that was the reason I knew, and know, that I will no longer be writing online as LS Harteveld.
I will continue my 1994 series, but that will be an offline endeavor, so my pen doesn’t really shape the reality
I could postpone 5 years before I publish.
Who knows, maybe I don’t even feel like writing that anymore…
there is no way to tell.
.
So the writing part died out because of that.
But I had also picked up curating/ publishing all the material, and that also got a slap in the face last week.
There were a couple of men or situations/possibilities that completely bottomed out, and I felt so empty handed.
The thought of going through that work, even if I “feel like” Suzanne the editor and not like Lauren the woman or girl who wanted to be with those men –
it was very raw and I could not see myself editing.
.
Still can’t.
.
But the difference with last week, is that I ve so made my peace with everything.
It was a beautiful journey, searching for your sexuality for 14 years straight.
And I found it, I know now what it is that I like and why a long term relationship with someone who is faithful to me, is not going to work.
I want a long term relationship with someone very supportive of me, including when i would want sexual adventures with others.
But most of all I need him to keep things exciting, for us both basically.
He needs to be open and exploratory with other women.
.
But the relationship I seek does not need seeking.
The man I seek doesn’t either.
Anything I do to “get there”; it all feels so off.
After 14 years, I m done doing anything for my love life
I m done!
It’s okay to be alone, I m not going to spend another minute of my life “trying”.
Enough is enough.
.
This morning I woke up knowing that YES, I am “over” the scare and sorrow of having to go through everything I wrote the past 14 years, that has not been published yet.
I will do it.
I will curate it, edit it, publish it.
I, Suzanne, will take care of this legacy I built.
.
And there is something else; The name thing.
Signing just as Suzanne doesn’t feel good.
“Lauren” has become a part of me.
So much, that I have actually considered adding “Lauren” to my name, on all my other accounts as well.
I won’t, but I will here!
.
So I am Suzanne/Lauren, the editor of Lauren Harteveld, a fictional writer who wrote about sex, relationships, movies, pop culture, from 2006 until the summer of 2020.
.
And maybe we can see that as our new journey.
You and me.
Together.
.
Maybe we were the ones that were supposed to find each other.
And ride off into the sunset.
.

.

I got the male midlife crisis

Michael Douglas (then 48) on the set of Basic Instinct

day 14, Sunday July 26
.

“Because some of my readers may still be looking for an explanation wtf hit them between 42 and 56 depending on your gender (I ll give you the correct ages later)
I have chosen to share this.”
. 
Considering both how much I dreaded going into this midlife phase
– which was mapped out in our yoga education and that horrified me because all options of how my 42 year + period would strike me seemed equally horrible –
as well as how much I have thought about why my life was shot to hell the past couple of years yet I seem to be miraculously cured at my 48th birthday,
it is surprising it took me until this weekend to consider that something peculiar has happened.
.
Because some of my readers may still be looking for an explanation wtf hit them between 42 and 56 depending on your gender (I ll give you the correct ages later)
I have chosen to share this.
That really is the only reason, because “I” Lauren Harteveld, my pseudonym, is living in 1995 where I just turned 23, so this does conflict with my current art form/ performance.
And “I” Suzanne, who is the current-day-bound of the two, also tends to ignore everything about her biological age as well as the covid struck reality we’re currently living in, as much as possible.
.
So I had already decided against sharing my midlife insights, until I realized that if I can help even one person, feeling a tiny bit better than I did the past three years-
it was plenty of reason to start sharing.
.
So let’s start sharing.
.
In general the midlife crisis of men in their early 50s, and the going through the menses of women late 40s are phenomenons very well documented.
Usually as pretty painful, but also always temporary.
One day you wake up and your physical ailments, as it usually express itself in women, or your existential crisis as it presents itself in men, is gone.
.
But yoga offers a little bit broader perspective on things, dating this female time of deep crisis (worst case scenario) or of starting anew (optimistic outcome) from her 42nd to her 48th;
And with men the male midlife crisis which is the same time of deep crisis or starting with a new woman or a new family- between his 49th birthday and his 56th.
So the women and men are on different cycles, first of all time wise with the women snapping out of it a year before the men are even started, but men and women also differ in how it expresses itself.
.
This model of the midlife crisis is related to the 7 chakras, and you move up bottom to top.
So you start at birth in the rudimentary root chakra, and at age 6 (girls) or age 7 (boys) you move up to the second chakra.
From 36 to 42 the woman goes through her most spiritual enlightened chakra (7), only to be cast back to the hell of the first chakra age 42.
She will leave:
– men
– children
– jobs
– careers
Behind only to go on a quest for Je Ne Sais Quoi in infinite forms, usually ending up disappointed.
Or she’ll find a new man, start a new family, or have a child.
So option one is she’ll basically lose 6 years, option B is she’ll start again and option C is the worst of all, which is she’ll get sick and lose the 6 years getting better. Or worse.
.
I think I must have blocked the very thought of what would happen after my 42nd birthday, because I can remember dreading it when I was younger;
Yet cannot remember ever reflecting on the entire thing when my life had it’s own funny roller coaster way of falling apart and coming apart at the seams.
A time when a little perspective would have been useful information.
.
So anyway- looking back, I can say, yes –
time wise I was female.
From 42-48 I did go through the 1st chakra period of having the female version of a midlife crisis in the sense that I lost everything.
And yet!
I didn’t go on a quest to look for myself in India.
I basically abandoned yoga those years, even though I was a yoga teacher.
I certainly did not become pregnant, and being someone’s secret lover can in no way qualify as starting a new family.
.
And then this weekend I saw it!
Aha!
So three guesses for whom the most likely scenario going through a midlife crisis is having secretive, exciting, sexual affairs?
Who does not go to India finding themselves?
Who starts getting totally repulsed by the idea of boring long term relationships full of commitments?
Men!
.
If I view my midlife years, the 1st chakra years of yoga which for a woman are 42-48 and for a man 49-56;
If I view how horrible I felt, and that the only thing that was able to bring me joy (really bring me joy) was an affair that revolved around the bestest time ever and doing all the things in all the ways-
I spent my midlife years in a perfectly normal way!
.
I once took a test and my brain scored 97% on being male.
You can take it here, in case you’re interested:
.
So even though this insight is not going to make those years less painful, or make the “God damn I lost at least three years” (in my case) feeling of hopelessness any less;
Knowing I got to have a secret affair instead of going to India, getting pregnant or falling ill;
I got a STUNNING deal and I should never ever, speak badly of it ever again!

.


About the Boys

day 16, Tuesday July 28
.
“My eyes would start spinning and produce hearts like one of those cartoon characters.
ALL that time, money, and single mindedness available for something else?
Omg, omg,”
.
For the past 14 years I ve done everything I could to discover, shape, and even perfect, my love and sex life.
Some things worked out, some didn’t, but in the end it was the same reasoning I have when it comes to having children, that snapped me out of it.
.
It’s a question I used whenever I thought about wanting children and leaned towards:
“Well, you know with the right man.”
“You never know.”
“It would be incredibly cute.”
“I love babies.”
.
I counterbalanced it with:
“But if you would have to choose between having a child or have all that care, effort, blood, sweat and tears, all that time and money available for something else.
Then which one would you choose?”
.
My eyes would start spinning and produce hearts like one of those cartoon characters.
ALL that time, money, and single mindedness available for something else?
Omg, omg, that is like being allowed to eat all the candy you want without damaging your teeth or your health.
A question like, if you would be a millionaire and money was unlimited, what would you do?
.
Imagining that future without children was always the more appealing option.
.
Now, I have to admit, that I do not recommend making your choices this way. It worked for me, because I had already decided I didn’t want them.
But the reason it will not work in general, is that it is extremely difficult to muster that kind of commitment and dedication when you don’t have a little human depending on you.
Unwritten books, non-build businesses and trips around the world that are not taken, do not have the same sense of urgency as an infant.
.
Just like I ultimately didn’t want children, I decided recently that I wasn’t going to invest, learn, turn myself inside out and so on, over my love life ever again.
.
And realizing all those thoughts could now be spend on something else, almost made my heart skip a beat!
What an inspiring thought!
.
If the next 14 year I would dedicate those mental resources and that time, to a new cause, what would it be?
.
I decided building my legacy and empire as a writer (under two names) and BODY.
Oh, dear mother of God, if only I would get off my ass and not write so much (I admit I immediately saw how this conflicted with my first goal), and do yoga, go outside, exercise a bit, but mainly-
If I would just give the MENTAL attention to being a successful writer and having a strong and healthy body,
as I had given to men the past 14 years?
I would soar.
.
So I got to work, and I have to say, I was very happy with the result!
It was even better than 14 years ago.
I knew what I wanted, and I knew which practices would help me. I drew that blueprint of daily practices and healthy habits, just like that.
.
One of the things was mindset work around the areas of writing, body AND having lovers.
So I was not longer trying, for lovers.
No.
They were also not going to be worked on, or anything like that.
From now on they, the lovers plural (although I m monogamous I thought two was better, to keep it light, although I m still not sure I can handle that mentally)
were just going the be there.
Without question.
.
So I was totally happy with how things were going.
Yet tonight I realized that despite being very involved in all the topics I had created affirmations about, I was only actively thinking about the men, the lovers.
.
All the other things were forgotten the moment I had closed that journal.
.
Yet I did some digging and discovered that despite fantasizing about men, and not about anything else –
I had come home from a bike ride, sat back behind my desk and was exceptionally inspired.
Instead of writing two tiny posts, which I thought would take me 45 minutes, this is my third big post.
The other two were written under my real name;
One is posted today, at Rock Star Writer Nijmegen, the other will be posted over there tomorrow.
.
So I had “wasted” mental bandwidth thinking “about boys”, something I have been thinking about for 14 years and that I thought I was done thinking about.
But after I came home I was extremely productive!
.
In hindsight – you know those women who get angry at the thought of having to limit themselves once they become a mother, or having to choose one or the other?
And then they just do all of it?
.
That would have been me.
.

.

The Pleasure Dome

day 17, Wednesday July 29

“Is there even a micro chance that I would not feel like an entire fluke, an impostor, a woman who had a calling and who then threw it all away for financial security?
Of course not.”
 
I think I should know better by now, but still the thought that the answer to every question in my life, can be found in having some kind of daily routine in what I do,
keeps having a tremendous appeal on me.
.
I mean just think;
If I become a writer who writes every day,
shows up for her art,
and also creates her books – which is more a back office endeavor, and one that requires a tremendous amount of ass sitting hours while at the same time generating an infinite amount of self-doubt.
Also manages her finances like a grownup.
Goes out every once in a while, has a place in the real world too, I m mean you know-
to be more than “just” an online writer!
.
Be someone that people can talk to, and you know what to say back and they think you re a normal person instead of a purpose driven mad woman who gets up every day haunted by a story that needs to be written and trying to put it off as long as she can, because she figures The Grown Up Stuff needs to be done first.
.
So let’s imagine I would finally become such a person, and generate the results such a person has!
Grown-up, sensible writers have grown-up sensible results.
.
Would I then feel accomplished?
.
I think this was a rhetorical question, I think the real question would be:
Would I then still be able to look myself in the eye?
.
Is there even a micro chance that I would not feel like an entire fluke, an impostor, a woman who had a calling and who then threw it all away for financial security?
.
Of course not.
.
Because it’s not about being organized, or about embracing the chaos.
Success, purpose, a life well lived;
None of those things are related to doing this or that.
It is all only related to who YOU are.
.
If you thrive on chaos, so will your finances.
If you drive on order, so will your purpose.
(your purpose will probably tempt you to create a 12 step plan for it, if you are a person who loves order)
.
Your life will not be fully lived, and “results” (esp. the vague ones like feeling accomplished and one with God and everything) will never come,
unless what you do is 100% aligned with who you are.
.
Realizing this I have been wondering-
then who AM I?
.
What characteristic, if it’s not being grown-up, if it’s not being organized, if it’s not creating 12 step programs let alone following them, and if it is definitely not being some writer-block suffering author who hopes the muses will visit one day, but instead of that I m more like a demon possessed crazy creator-
But what is THE characteristic, that I AM?
.
And I decided that was pleasure.
.
If there is a characteristic that will get me “there”, something that will make me feel like the day, the month, the year and the life was lived well;
It’s knowing I always went for what I desired, probably at first sight.
My mouth watered.
My eyes sparkled.
My heart opened.
Damn, who knows, maybe even my loins set on fire.
.
But that I reached out, and connected with it.
.
In the series Lucifer there is a female demon Maze.
Just like Lucifer himself, she is blessed with a strong appetite for sex, in any way, shape or form but she prefers the leather type ones.
Her unapologeticness about it is refreshing.
.
As is the thought to just – as an experiment maybe? – to fully be as you are, and do life as you are;
And see what happens.
.

.


The Right Side Up

warm moment when the right side was up, in Stranger Things
day 18, Thursday July 30
.
“The reason I declined to give an interview,
was that I had no uplifting words for newborn entrepreneurs.
.
My advice would have been:
“Run! Run! Flee while you can!!””
.
I was contacted with regard to wanting to talk about my yoga business..
I think it was the same show that contacted me in December.
Although right then I still saw myself as a yoga teacher (a writing one and not one teaching classes. I only taught to friends, until Covid came and I stopped doing that too), I declined then.
And I declined now.
.
The reason they asked me now, was accurate;
They were looking for entrepreneurs who had quit their business.
It was done with the Chamber of Commerce, so this indicated to me that we were supposed to be giving some advice on how to run your business.
Like: How can you prevent you have to stop, kind of thing.
.
The reason I declined to give an interview, was that I had no uplifting words for newborn entrepreneurs.
My advice would have been:
“Run! Run! Flee while you can!!”
.
And I answered with a detailed explanation of why I would strongly advise against starting a business, before you have at least a €25.000 a year hustle going.
Work as an independent seller.
A civilian.
Let people pay you without VAT.
And we have a special tax box in The Netherlands for “Other income”; Just put it there.
Or ask to be put on the payroll, or paid through a payroll agency.
Don’t do anything illegal.
I m not telling you to dodge taxes or anything, just whatever you do?
Do.
Not.
Start.
A.
Business.
.
After I had clicked send in the Facebook chat, I realized I had failed to make one more final argument;
“Oh, and with Covid you’re the gofer for our government. You’re supposed to be collecting health statuses from your clients, when in 2018 you were obliged to draw up a detailed company privacy statement because you occasionally saw some name-address-city data.”
.
There.
Big go f yourself, Dutch government.
Go find someone else to do your henchmen work, because at some point Dutch entrepreneurs are simply going to decide to go underground, work a payroll job, or will simply refuse to lift another finger because they re not interested in continuously being bullied into submitting themselves to ever more legislation, depending on what agenda it is now you want to push.
.
I ve seen yoga teachers who made less than a thousand euros a year, yet they still had to register at Chamber of Commerce, register for a VAT number, keep a VAT administration, a business administration, get professional liability insurance.
.
Trust me, until you’ve got €25.000 in sales, there is no reason you would want to invest in being a proper business.
.
So the question on if I wanted to cooperate with a tv program on entrepreneurs who had quit their business, basically unlocked the doors to my internal hell.
If I had wanted to speak kind words, I would not have known where to find them.
.
“My vision on this is so dark, I don’t think that’s what you’re looking for,” I ended my message.
.
I knew I had 20 years of bottled up anger and resentment to this over-legislation, especially with Anglo Saxon countries coming with ever more books like The Side Hustle, The 4 Hour workweek (in the Netherlands just doing your admin and drawing up all your legal papers would take you 4 hours a week!)-
Yet I had no idea it was this close to the surface.
.
That one question was enough to trigger me in saying so many bad things.
.
I felt it was a bit like the Upside Down;
A parallel universe in the series Stranger Things.
All the landmarks, buildings and so on are the same as in our universe, but there are no people just monsters like in Alien.
It is always dark.
And everything is covered in slime.
.
In season 1 of Stranger Things, a girl who has been used for medical experiments, El, is the only one who is strong enough to fight the creatures who live there, because she has superpowers.
.
This shadow world The Upside Down has portals into the normal world, but the main characteristic is:
It IS the normal world.
.
It is the normal world, when all of our nightmares have come true, and we’re cold all alone hiding under a damp blanket in the middle of the dark forest.
.
Already when watching this series, I started wondering:
“If there is a dark Upside Down world;
Would there not also be a parallel universe of light?”
.
And today I expanded on that question:
“If there is a topic that gets me so vile and nasty and unforgiving, in a flash of a second;
Is there a topic that gets me in the best of spirits?”
.
I realized, that yes, there is. There are.
But just like in the series;
The dark sticks to you so much more.
Once the cold has set into your bones, it seems impossible to get rid of.
.
Once you’ve seen the darkness, it becomes increasingly impossible to see the light.
To see the good.
Even just for a second.
.
The Right Side Up world, as I will call it, becomes a place of fiction and myth.
Whereas The Upside Down world of darkness and despair, seems ever more real.
.
It took El’s superpowers to cast the beast back into the shadow world, and to close the portal.
And even she was sucked into that world, as a result of her brave action.
No one thought to go look for her afterwards, or rescue her there.
.
And meanwhile everybody else had their Season 1 Happily Ever After.
.
On payroll, I presume.
.

.

Rock Bottom

day 19, Friday July 31
.
I am so angry, I just wrote for nearly two hours, and deleted everything.
What is it: If you don’t have anything nice to say?
I didn’t.
.
There’s enough darkness without me starting a war.

.

COMMITTED (a happy ending)

day 20, Saturday August 1
.
“And yet; I had not committed.
And yet: I had not pursued.
.
I had treated Writing as some unwanted force in my life.
Like a life event or an all-consuming job that you didn’t voluntarily choose.”
.
I have a sign in the bathroom of my yoga studio.
Yes- I still have my yoga space.
Even though I ve retired as a yoga teacher and am no longer teaching friends either, because of Covid.
For the time being I m keeping it on as a space for my own private practice, and who knows I will really start connecting to it again, and feel that it is a part of me.
A place of power.
A place of history.
But right now, in summer (there were some issues with the heating, which makes it hard to look into the future and know if I ll keep it) I ll keep it.
It’s a nice and cool place to practice, so it’s ideal.
.
Today, the first of August, I studied the sign at the door of the toilet.
It has about 30+ meme like sentences.
And I decided to pick one every day, so it will be my private yoga theme for August.
.
The first one was:
“Find a passion and pursue it”
.
And I immediately thought about something I had read this morning, in a book on Vincent van Gogh.
That Vincent had struggled finding his place in life, and he would continue to do so (his brother supported him) BUT!
The moment he ceased his search to earn a living and become successful with another profession and commit to his art instead, a weight was lifted from his shoulders.
He started developing himself really quickly and his work would never have reached the height it did, if he had stayed stuck in trying to be something he wasn’t.
.
I have been less deliberate in choosing the path of a writer, and certainly not at age 27, because I wasn’t a writer then.
Although the professor who had supervised my thesis, had saved my emails and had printed them and gave them back to me when I got my diploma.
He had really enjoyed reading them, and wanted me to reread them some time.
.
Aside from diary writing and correspondence, I didn’t start writing until the year we broke up our long-term relationship.
We had been together for 14 years, and in 2006 it would strand and I would also start writing.
.
Just like my relationship had lasted 14 years, the existence or this work under my penname LS Harteveld, also became difficult after 14 years.
This summer I have made some drastic changes one of them is that I write here under my real name Suzanne,
and that LS Harteveld (Lauren) is living in 1995 and writing offline.
This means (among other things) that I will never write online about my life, in particular my love life.
.
Online diary writing or erotic story writing has ended –
and with that LS Harteveld is now far less active/ current than it used to be.
In the end that was really all there was to it;
A shift from online writing to offline writing for LS Harteveld.
.
But I didn’t know that beforehand!
There have also been times when I thought this summer was the moment to stop writing for this account LS Harteveld entirely, and delete all the blogs.
.
It all worked out differently.
I m curating the blog, and I m also – almost automatically – writing for this account daily.
It costs me hours and hours, but it are stories that I really want to tell.
And I also write for my other account under my real name.
.
So I read this first sentence on the sign on my door:
Find a passion and pursue it.
.
I read how much good choosing for his art did for Vincent.
.
I have a daily practice of writing for two different accounts.
.
I am looking for a part-time job in manufacturing, or cleaning;
Something that has me up and walking, instead of sitting.
Something that doesn’t require any mental bandwidth.
But most of all;
Something that saves me from myself.
.
So that for like 24 hours or so a week, I DO NOT write.
I DO NOT think.
I do not drive myself mad, I do not “sit behind my typewriter and bleed” as Ernest Hemingway called it.
.
So this summer, for the very first time, I had consciously put all those building blocks in place, accepting the inevitable:
That I am a writer.
.
And yet; I had not committed.
And yet: I had not pursued.
.
I had treated Writing as some unwanted force in my life.
Like a life event or an all-consuming job that you didn’t voluntarily choose.
And for the first time I had designed my life around it.
.
My life was now crafted around the inevitable fact that I was a writer.
.
My PASSION, the thing I had automatically started doing when my partner and me split up, the thing that had taken the place of my partner immediately –
and even before we had decided to split, oh how symbolic-
that passion, Writing, had become:
The inevitable.
An all consuming and unwanted force.
An all-consuming job that I didn’t voluntarily choose.
.
The combination of the choice from Vincent van Gogh for his art, and the first sentence on that sign (Find your passion and pursue it) made me realize I wanted more for my writing, my purpose, my faithful companion since 2006, than to grudgingly be allowed to exist.
.
So from this day forward, till death do us part:
I CHOOSE you writing.
.
Muse that has come under different names and different shapes.
Muse that has always given me more ideas than I can possibly process or execute in this lifetime.
You are the bringer of plenty, that much is certain.
I choose you for better, for worse,
for richer or for poorer,
in sickness and in health,
to love and to cherish,
’til death do us part.
.
I do.
.
Suzanne/ Lauren
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living
. .

“Demons and Daemons” was written on Facebook 
Facebook page LS Harteveld

Books LS Harteveld/ Lauren

Lauren’s books are available at LULU
New books will also be added to Lulu, as sites are being curated.


ABOUT ME

I am Suzanne, the real name of Lauren Harteveld,
Lauren/ LS Harteveld was my second identity under which I wrote about sex, relationships, pop culture, from 2006 to 2020.
Lauren is now in 1995, so she will write offline for us.
Her first year 1994-1995 is available online:

.
coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2020
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- (Dutch)
5. ALL THE THINGS – unpublished work 2010 – 2020

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.
.
Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/

My Midlife Crisis Blew Up At Lightspeed

Published on by LS Harteveld

At 1:30 the resistance cruiser blows through the Star Destroyer at lightspeed.
After a 10 second time delay, follows the swooshing sound effect.

This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara
Before our call I always give her a headsup..

Dear Sara,
.
One of the scenes in The Last Jedi I looked forward to every time I went to see the movie at the theater, was the one where the resistance ship crushes the battleship from the First Order by flying through it.
You can’t hear anything, you just get the visual of the triangular shaped spaceship being cut in half by a thin flash of light.
And then the blow comes much later.
.
Many get a chance to escape but ultimately all that remains are burned scrapes of metal flying around space.
It is over.
That is how I feel now, after years and years of misery and battle looking back.
Like being under siege for years on end, and finally losing the big and nasty thing that was firing at me.
And that here too, the silence after impact is so suspenseful but exciting! 
And when you finally hear the blow it has a velvety quality to it.
.
The past ten days so much has happened, that I almost don’t know where to start explaining it.
The most important change is that I feel like an entirely different person.
.
Last Friday I turned 48, and yoga wisdom related to the chakras explains why this shift was so immediate and almost tangible.
Because women go through cycles of 6 years per chakra.
That means on my 48 birthday I flipped out of the much dreaded 1st chakra period, which has been haunting me and has made life impossible.
Just like having a Star Destroyer hovering over you for 6 years.
.
When you’re born you start at the first chakra.
And girls move up to the second at six, boys at seven. This way, we enter a new phase every six or seven years.
So at 7 chakras x 6 years = 42 years old women are done, and they start at “1” again.
Men take 7 years per chakra so they enter this first chakra at 49 years old to 56.
And they re the ones who express it in the classic midlife crisis way;
Buying a motor cycle, taking plastic surgery, and having affairs with women half their age.
Some start a second family.
.
It’s all really just a matter of privilege, because women have the same midlife crisis from 42 to 48 years old.
But because they usually have more obligations with regard to taking care of their children and parents, or even have professions where people are depending on them, they are usually not liberated enough to just go straight into go-fuck-yourself-mode.
They have to appear serious and committed and have to mask it as Going Through Serious Stuff.
Make Meaningful Decisions.
And the fact that I know more women struggling with their health in their forties, than I know men who struggle with their health in their early fifties, indicates to me that some women even have to get sick before they feel it’s okay to take some time off and to start caring for themselves instead of others.
.
Reality is that a female midlife crisis is usually not the extravagant feast the men treat themselves to.
.
Looking back I can say I had the female midlife crisis.
Just like other women I blew up my entire career, turned my back on many things and lost a lot of my friends.
It was as if everything that wasn’t 100% aligned might have been allowed to stay in the beginning, but that ultimately my 1st chakra time was destined to be a time of great cleansing.
Nothing that wasn’t 100% pure would make it till the dawn of the 24 th of July, 2020.
It would all be purged from my life, or blown up in the finale when at light speed the Star Destroyer that my midlife crisis was, would be cut in half and left to die.
.
Even the last week, I was helped by the Universe to get clarity on a subject my former lover and me had been trying to avoid.
And that’s done now.
Everything, is done.
It’s over.
.
In the 1st chakra time, from my 42nd until last Friday, I didn’t get sick, I didn’t get pregnant, I didn’t find a man and settled down blissfully with my final-chance-baby;
All things many women in their forties do, and all things that would have horrified me.
.
Instead I only ended my yoga career and was treated to an exclusive and highly sexual affair, that in particular in the first two years brought me great joy and pleasure.
The final three years were harder, as he contacted me less frequently and I was forced to think about nitty gritty shit like:
“If I am not chosen as a real partner, and he contacts me ever fewer and fewer times-
when comes the time I should be the one to end it?
When can the euphoria no longer outdo the sadness?
If I m okay being second fiddle, how about third fiddle, fourth? How about once a year fiddle?
For how long can I take this?”
.
But now that it’s over I can say:
“What a fantastic way to spend a midlife crisis, fussing over boys!”
I really got the long end of the stick, with my midlife crisis.
Punned.
.
My lover broke up with me in December, but there were still unresolved things which needed to be addressed, before I could get closure.
And it was as if the devil was behind me, the speed with which I managed to get that done before my birthday.
For three years I had been questioning myself about our relationship, something that did not end in December with our “official” split.
I needed more, I needed to hear it again.
.
So I put a lot of thought and effort into it, but still the clarity, the happiness, and the joy of starting anew on the morning after my 48th birthday surprised me.
.
And I have even more to be excited about because next to closing my 6 years of 1st chakra struggles;
I feel I ve finished a cycle of 14 years as a single.
14 Years of finding out my sexuality and relationship style.
All done! I found what I had set out to do and I also know  I m not going to invest another minute in my love life ever again.
.
I know now why dating has been such an ordeal, and it is all a lot more simple than I thought.
Of course, there is the whole needing tension and excitement thing, and having complex sexual preferences. But there is something else as well.
In my teens and twenties, relationships were formed from just hanging out and screwing each other’s brains out, and at some point you were like;
“Oh, it’s been six months and we re still doing that, so maybe this is a thing.”
Whereas when I became single in my thirties, and this goes on until today, people are recruiting for a vacancy they have in their life.
If you’re unfit for the job of filling the position, you’re out.
There is no time for hanging out, other than with the intention of building a long term relationship or filling up the time until you have found someone better suited for your future plans and then you dump killing time date A and move on to potential life partner B.
There’s also bachelors who avoid intimacy, who guard their heart and who dump you after a couple of times either way.
Those are the options of dating as an adult.
14 years in and I m vowing to never give that cluster fuck of a sick dynamic one teensy tiny bits worth of attention ever again.
The only person I m ever willing to let into my heart is the one who has tons of time for me doing crazy shit and binge watch all seasons of Lucifer without leaving the house.
.
14 Years of research on my love life to find out I will probably never find real (organically grown) love because of a time management problem tied to adulthood.
I find that depressing, Sara.
.
So!
Speaking of time management, I now have a lot of time on my hands!
And I m finally going spend it on becoming the 7-Figure Rock Star Writer I ve been aspiring to be for at least two years.
I think it clicked during our last call, when you said you can only create an empire if you saw that as your dominant creative expression.
After so many years of writing, I m so ready to move away from this desk!
To see my creativity as coming from the mind, and I long particularly to bypass using writing to shape my thoughts.
It has become slightly maddening, to have to write so much in order to think.
So one of my main objectives is to limit that, and to only write in the final stage.
.
I think I told you all there is.
This account is now managed by the me under my real name, Suzanne, and I ve picked up writing (illegally) for Facebook, where I m signing off with Suzanne/ Lauren.
Being Lauren from 2006-2020 has become a part of who I really am.
The real, pure Lauren is in 1995, she will write from there and I will print it at a later date.
https://laurenharteveld.com/1994-a-performance-art-project/
.
It’s Monday now.
An exciting week!
I ll be spending it looking for a normal non-desk job, to which I look forward very much, but I ll also start or pick up publishing my work.
I ve created the real, new and updated list of books (way more than the 5 mentioned at the bottom of this post) and I ve got 10 so far.
So ten books are to be expected, from Lauren Harteveld.
All written between 2010 and 2020.
.
The resistance ship the Raddus going through the Star Destroyer at light speed.

I have had the vision of seeing myself as a Rock Star Writer, a 7-Figure Rock Star Writer, as early as 2018.
But it was always in and then out of focus.
It was like it was impossible to escape something big and bad pulling me back.
Exactly like the resistance ship the Raddus, that couldn’t get away from the Star Destroyer.
Every time it jumped to light speed they were tracked and the Star Destroyer was right behind them.

Ultimately the resistance evacuated the ship in tiny transporters, and Captain Haldo takes their nemesis head on by turning the cruiser around and using the last bit of fuel to blast it at light speed through the Star Destroyer.
.
“I” evacuated my LS Harteveld account; my pseudonym Lauren now lives in 1995.
And Suzanne is the captain Haldo who has blasted the midlife crisis that was standing between her and becoming a Rock Star Writer.
And she’s still enjoying the blissful silence and the velvety sound that followed.
.

Suzanne/ Lauren
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

With this post, I m picking up writing to Sara on this blog.
And I ll also post updates on when the books are ready.
You can follow this blog – the subscribe button is somewhere on this page, usually on the top right.

I also write as Suzanne/Lauren on our
Facebook page LS Harteveld
(illegal blogging)

And under my real name Suzanne:
Facebook page Rock Star Writer
And  rock star blog under my real name.

Books LS Harteveld/ Lauren

Lauren’s books are available at LULU
New books will also be added to Lulu, as sites are being curated.

coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2020
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- (Dutch)
5. ALL THE THINGS – unpublished work 2010 – 2020

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.
.
Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/

I m going offline for an indefinite period of time | by Lauren & Curated by Suzanne

Published on by LS Harteveld

I ve got good news and bad news.
The good news is:
I m not going to take my English work offline.
This entire site will stay as it is – for many reasons, some positive, some negative.
I don’t think it matters.

The bad news is that when updating and archiving this site, I realized I don’t have anything to write anymore.
It’s all been said.
There is no reason to keep writing as LS Harteveld, except for the performance project Lauren Harteveld (1995) but that will be an offline endeavor.

It’s my birthday Friday, and the year has gone by without sex.
My lover broke up with me in December, but we had not been intimate since summer; That’s how this worst year of my life probably started off on the wrong foot.
By thinking I was in a relationship, when I wasn’t.
Although judging from the hell I went through late July and August – I think I understood.
I picked it up.
Just that I projected it onto other things in my life that I could understand.
Money, career, mental health.
But it were never those things.
Never.

But it wasn’t just this year;
Going through my work to make books from it was an unbearable exercise.
It was awful to realize that in 2006 I ended my long term relationship to find out who I was sexually –
To have it end in 2020 with sexless year and literally nothing to show for but hundreds of blog posts.

 I know I am a writer, it’s the only thing I know how to do.
It’s the only thing I m good at.
And it’s the only thing that has been there for me, always.

But without sex and secrets, I do not need this account, from my pen name Lauren Harteveld or LS Harteveld.
If I m sexless, I m fine writing under my real name Suzanne.
LS Harteveld is obsolete.

And there is another reason I m leaving here.
Because I m beginning to think that the only reason I was ever good at relationships, was because I wrote.
The moment I announced I would take my work offline, I lost “touch” with all the men in my life. It was as if they were relieved, my manipulative pen, my magic, was finally gone.
I was human again.
Someone who could be ignored.

The 7 days between my last post where I announce I m taking all my work offline, and today, I have learned that it is all true.
It was, all true.
I created reality with my pen. You create your own reality.
And the moment I stopped writing and announced I would take the work offline, I lost the game. I quit the game.
Today was spent wondering if I even want back in.

Do I want to spend the next 14 years writing, writing, writing, so that I can be the independent mistress, who refuses to turn into a woman begging you to have a normal relationship with her.
Refuses to trick you into choosing for her.
Because she believes that ultimatums, ideas of a future together – anything EXTRA than a moment-to-moment real time decision and desire to really want to be together –
results in a false relationship.

If you want to be with me, you will.

If not not.

Writing gave me the power to make people want to be with me.
They saw the power of desire, of the moment, of being in the now. 
But seeing reality change and my power diminish days after quitting writing has made me wonder:
Was this what I actually wanted?

No.

What 14 years of writing have done, is to make absolutely sure I was never dated nor chosen, nor desired, for what I considered to be the wrong reasons.

But what one year without sex, and one week without writing and planning to take the work offline have taught me is:
My place is taken immediately by other people.
Within days!
Maybe hours.

I will leave this blog until I can do the name LS Harteveld justice:
A name designed to cover up a double life, secrets. 
Not a name I invented so I could defend the last breadcrumb of a relationship or a career as a writer.

I m not really sure how or when curating the work and turning it into books will proceed. Like I said, it’s very confronting to see how you spent the past 14 years, and have so little to show for.
But just writing this blog post, the one you’re reading right now, and coming to the conclusion to stop writing here, because it’s no longer functional – 
I hope you agree that’s a good thing.

To stay in touch you can follow this blog you re reading right now
– I ll write updates if there is any news.
The subscription button is somewhere on this page, probably on the right.

And you can follow this rock star blog under my real name.

The past 7 days I wrote a daily post on Facebook – and it really helped me see how I cannot deny who I am.
I am a writer, and my love life will always be intertwined with writing.
It was one of the blog posts I encountered this week, something I wrote last year:
https://laurenharteveld.com/2019/12/17/dating-from-now-on-rules-of-engagement-1994-project/

But I also learned to accept myself from watching the Netflix series Lucifer:
Just like Lucifer doesn’t have to, and shouldn’t need to, apologize for being the devil,
I don’t need to apologize for being a writer.
And I won’t.

And I HAVE thought about totally stepping on it and go entirely next level as LS Harteveld.
But would you?
If you didn’t “nourish” a relationship, or your sexuality- let’s imagine you took your wedding ring off, that’s a nice comparison;
If you turned your back, reasonably quietly, onto someone or towards a job or career or really just whatever it was – 
But let’s imagine it is something you ve been wanting for 14 years, something you left a quiet and comfortable situation for 14 years ago, because you wanted it so badly.

And then you turn your back onto that – whatever it was, and whatever the level of success you had achieved there – and you held your breath, slipped the ring off your finger and quietly put it on the nightstand.

And within a week the thing you’d been thinking about and writing about, and had been on a quest for 14 years to get and figure out, vaporized into thin air?
As if it never existed?
As if 14 years of dedication, growth and affirming didn’t mean anything?
Would you go back to claim it and “make it happen”?

Or would you make a different choice on where you were going to focus on for the next 14 years.
Money.
Career.
World domination.
Or maybe save the world, I don’t know;
It’s hard to think of something I could not have achieved if I had given it the time and energy I gave to figuring out my sexuality and my love life.

I don’t think I ll ever figure out what the purpose was of those 14 years I dedicated to my sexuality and relationships. But I do know one thing:
They end here.

~Suzanne

~Lauren
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

 

Books LS Harteveld/ Lauren

Lauren’s books are available at LULU
New books will also be added to Lulu, as sites are being curated.

coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2020
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- (Dutch)
5. ALL THE THINGS – unpublished work 2010 – 2020

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.
.
Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/

On this day we mourn | by Lauren & Curated by Suzanne

Published on by LS Harteveld

I think I knew, I just chose not to see it.
But of course, the moment I ended my business and knew I would get a job;
I knew LS Harteveld would have to be deleted.

Despite deleting all my work so that I can get a job, the positive thing is; I AM going all in on my writing.
Offline as Lauren Harteveld, writing from 1995.
Online as her publisher Suzanne and as a writer under my real name as well.

My goal is to have a full income from writing and speaking, being present online. So ultimately, I will be able to publish and keep online whatever I want! 
Sure, I still might have a day job, if I enjoy it I could. But it would be a social luxury;
Not something I needed to do for the money, as it is now.

I think that is what is making today so incredibly hard; Knowing that if I had made more progress the last couple of years, end my yoga studio sooner, FOCUSED more, on becoming famous, rich, successful;
None of this would have been nessecary.

I would have been able to keep my online presence by blogging on the actual things, as they actually happened, including my adventures with secret lovers and yes God I still hope the day comes we have the S from plural in there.
But right now I m single.

I m “celebrating” my one year without sex this month. I didn’t even bother to look up the date, as if that would make it worse.
Maybe that’s why deleting all my work from the past 10 years feels extra passive aggressive. It’s not like I ve had anything remotely interesting to write about for the last 12 months. I might as well take a job, since I ve obviously not been using the privacy a life of a blogger has provided me.
With no men and no erotic stories, there is no reason to have these accounts. 

The domains will stay, and I m sure I ll find something to write about.
I mean even something that’s not totally depressing.

It started last year with Lauren Harteveld travelling to the 90s.
Although I kept writing here, it was clear that my personal life including sexual adventures would only be experienced by “her”, and be written down in a fictional setting of a decade long gone.
Then a few weeks ago, I cut deeper: I would write these stories offline, and no longer publish them here.
Then I cut off one arm: I, Lauren, would not write anything online anymore, and leave permanently.
As a result, the Me under my real name stepped in, and she is now curating the blog, and saving all material for books.
And then she came to the inevitable conclusion that since no money was coming in from here, and Steps Into The World would have to be taken, all content had to be deleted.

That we, Lauren Harteveld “and” Suzanne, were not ever going to have colleagues find this blog, quoting diary entries in the canteen. If I include my original site, 500 blog posts will be deleted.
A body of work that could exist because it was shielded from the world.
Because only the people I knew very well and trusted, knew of this account.
They never asked me to explain anything.
They were my friends.

But I m no longer among friends.

Like I said: If I had worked harder, had been more successful, had taken my work as a writer more seriously and not wasted so much time on being a local yoga teacher – not held on to something that has ultimately cost me years of pursuing my real calling – 
If I had done that, I would not be in this position.

I would have been free to keep online whatever it is I wanted, and not be locked up 40 hours a week with an ever changing team of colleagues and co-workers;
An extremely unsafe situation, that requires the highest levels of emotional security.

And I would not be voluntarily cutting off all my limbs.

Until there is just -literally – the body of work, in the form of printed books, and the head.
And a very thick and unpenetrable armor around it.

No wonder my sex life has ceased to exist.
I was forced to lock down a long time ago.

~Suzanne

~Lauren
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

 

Books LS Harteveld/ Lauren

Lauren’s books are currently  still available at LULU
Disclaimer: Lulu has gone through a reorganization and covers do not display correctly. The spine of the book is displayed with the cover (after you ve clicked the description).
I have no idea how this plays out. I assume it will be fine, but I will not know until two weeks from now.
If they’re not alright, I will take all books offline and upload them later this year as second editions.

New books will also be added to Lulu, as sites are being curated.

coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2020
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- (Dutch)
5. ALL THE THINGS – unpublished work 2010 – 2020

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.
.
Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/

First Day of The Rest of Our Lives | new series: Curated by Suzanne

Published on by LS Harteveld

In theory it could be a coincidence.
That me taking over management from the LS Harteveld accounts, so that our heroine could take her black leather backpack and ride off into the 90s sunset, was in NO WAY (and I will send her a note reminding her that this is not how we spelled or wrote in the 90s, so that she should keep it real in her diary) related to the cluster fck that was Thursday July 7th, 2020.
Could be.
In theory.

But it is all a little too coincidental to me.
Sure! 
I was very happy that after 16 years of being torn between how do I write my deepest darkest stuff, and communicate about it/ make it real and happening –
I had finally found my answer.
That since my pseudonym LS Harteveld had migrated to 1994 already last year, this provided a loophole. 
First of all it was not a very successful project so far.
All kinds of things had been pulling Lauren back to the current day, the past 11 months.
With the C. crisis- she wanted to depart, forever and for good, but an invisible Force kept pulling her back.
Much to her frustration.

By appointing myself as “her” publisher, she can go to the 90’s for good, and I can finally start speaking about “my” work.
Which has never seemed “my” work, that’s why I needed the pseudonym. The work was so disconnected to everyday life.
There have been times in my life when I thought that I would ultimately only be LS Harteveld.
That Suzanne was a shell.
But now I know that shells can be extremely valuable, and indispensable.
Shells take your punches, they provide you shelter, a place to hide.
I know very well, LS Harteveld would never have survived without Suzanne keeping up the charade. And vice versa; Suzanne would never have survived the past 14 year without Lauren.
Maybe what I experienced today was loss.
Not of the thing I thought I was losing, when I started writing this blog post, but the loss of her.
The realization that ultimately, she doesn’t want to live here, and that she doesn’t need someone to protect her in 1995.
It’s a fantasy. An art project. She is fully in charge.

But the thing I lost today was the dream of starting a new career, here in 2020. Something entirely non-writing related.
I did not expect LS Harteveld to start writing until things were in full swing in her love life in 1995. Which could take a while, since that had bottomed out entirely in 2020.
She had few promising leads, with men.
So with her living her life “there” free of writing hours, and with me managing her accounts here and now looking for a new job, a new career, for daytime hours;
I thought it was pretty much sorted.
I thought this time management thing, where I had to divide my life between two lives 25 years apart, was done.

Until yesterday night, after taking over these accounts and deciding I would now “act” as Suzanne, and safeguard my pseudonym in 1995, I read a diary post Lauren wrote at the beginning of 1995 her time.
Early 2020 our time.
It was around midnight and this is what I read, at the end of that very long and stressful day, where for the first time since 2006, the first time Lauren and I had split and I had promised to take care of her work, I read this……..:

“After two days I decided enough was enough. I am only 22 years old, and I still have my life ahead of me. I took a piece of paper, and drew out what I wanted this year and also for the upcoming years. Just as Bear had done for his.
There were way too many blanks to my liking.
With whom was I going to make love?
Cry?
In whom would I trust?
It was an incredibly lonely exercise, and I can’t say that I’m suddenly healed and looking to the future with hope and dreams.
But I will put one foot in front of another, and become a writer.
Alone if I have to.”
January 7, 1995 I remember when we met

For the first time I understood what my responsibility was. And what was hers. And that we still shared the same body, the same life.
Our fates were bound.
She, Lauren, the now 1995 version of “me”, had to find a way in 1995, to make her career as a writer happening at nighttime hours.
And use her free time for adventures, something to write about of course!
But I, Suzanne, am here to guard the gate, by making money AND taking care of the existing LS Harteveld legacy.

Okay, how do I make this clear:
– evenings are 1995: Lauren having fun or working on her career as a writer in 1995
– weekends are 1995: still having fun or analogue offline writing
This means that I, Suzanne, only have my workhours to make a living AND curate her/ Lauren’s books 2010-2020! 

And this in turn means that ultimately the only thing that’s gonna work, is me being my own boss and turning selling books, for LS Harteveld as well as my own accounts, into my work.

There IS no other career.
That was a HOAX. FAKE NEWS.
I m never going to be fulfilled until I m a fulltime writer.
It wasn’t just Lauren’s dream.

It was ours.

~Suzanne
publisher of LS Harteveld

Books LS Harteveld/ Lauren

Lauren’s books are currently  still available at LULU
Disclaimer: Lulu has gone through a reorganization and covers do not display correctly. The spine of the book is displayed with the cover (after you ve clicked the description).
I have no idea how this plays out. I assume it will be fine, but I will not know until two weeks from now.
If they’re not alright, I will take all books offline and upload them later this year as second editions.

New books will also be added to Lulu, as sites are being curated.

coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2020
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- (Dutch)
5. ALL THE THINGS – unpublished work 2010 – 2020

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.
.
Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/

The Good Fairy Has Arrived And She’s Doing Damage Control! | new series: Curated by Suzanne

Published on by LS Harteveld

Very few people know how Cinderella got to sleep a hundred years.
She was actually meant to die.
The reason she slept a hundred years instead, was because one of the fairies who had been invited to the christening had not made her wish yet, when the evil fairy stormed in and cursed Cinderella.
The last fairy was able to change the curse from death to a hundred years of sleep.

I think what I experienced today after yesterday’s blog
2006 – 2020 I m Ending All My Work As LS Harteveld Immediately
was the shock and the horror of someone barging in here and calculating, deciding, and ultimately making the irreversible management decision that there will be no more blogging.
No more writing online.
That LS Harteveld, the pseudonym that has existed since 2006, and that turned to blogging since 2010, can simply not keep living in this age.
The age of social media.
The age of daily content.
The age of daily conversation with whomever reads your work, or doesn’t read your work but follows you online.

That someone was the evil fairy deciding all social accounts and all LS Harteveld websites were to be terminated effective immediately.
All books to be taken down, because they had a soon to be outdated website address in them and because the cover layout may not have survived the software update from the publisher and this could mean all 10 books needed updating.
They were to be taken down and then reprinted under an account that was mine (Suzanne’s).
Not an account that belonged to LS Harteveld, who was no longer among us.

New work would no longer be published because it was just sickening how much it was, and how deeply personal.
How disturbing it was…
It was the kind of work that made LS Harteveld so sick that she would never write again if it meant knowing that one day she’d have to revise and copy edit every letter put to paper.
She wanted to go to 1995.
Not curate her work from 2010-2020 plus redo all the books that might have a not-ideal cover.
She didn’t want to invest another damn minute, into those 10 books which had been DONE in 2017!

Yes, I think ultimately the thought that even if she’d somehow succeed in curating and publishing her work 2010-2020, it could still be undone years from now.
It would always need her.
She’d always need to guard it, or it could be destroyed by a simple software update.

If she accepted the task of being the caretaker of her own work, the work would never, ever be done….

She, LS Harteveld, Lauren, told us the truth yesterday.
It is all true.
But her conclusion, that because she can no longer be here, and no longer wants to participate in this world, and therefor we have to quit all her accounts?
No.
That is not true.
That was not even her choice to make.
Just like when you die, ultimately your loved ones decide what will happen to your legacy. 
Lauren didn’t die, but she migrated to another time and left us her belongings.
And now we decide what to do with it.

So here’s what I, in my role of her curator and good fairy, have been able to do in our first 24 hours:
Yes, I will be in charge of publishing the new LS Harteveld books, but despite her order to terminate all accounts – I will not do that.
I will keep all accounts intact.
The blogs will be emptied out, because this is a new era; The era where LS Harteveld has become “a voice from the past.”
For this reason, I will leave her series 1995 on this page – this will be her final blog series.
This will be where she ended her career in 2020 and will pick up writing (offline) in 1995.

Right after last night’s blog I ordered a couple of books from the web shop. All the covers do seem to be slightly “off”, and although I believe it is the publisher’s responsibility to give me headsup if I need to revise the 10 books after their big software update (and changing some of the sizes from the books, I heard) I have taken action to find out what’s up.
Maybe it displays “off” when you order them, or maybe they’ll still be okay.
Let’s find out.

In about two weeks I will know the answer, and if they do not come out okay, yes I will take them down.
At your own risk – like I said, they had a software update – you can buy my ten books here.
Or you can wait – but you may risk not seeing them again for a long time.
If the covers are off, I will take them down immediately, and redesign them to meet new software demands (and all books will become a second edition, first edition will no longer be available).
And this could take a while.

And the other thing I did today, was more of a mental thing.
I made my peace with it.
LS Harteveld the blogger, the online writer, is no longer here.
I will talk to you from the persona of real me and I will know LS Harteveld only through her work, much the same as you.
That was the mourning part.

From 2010-2020 I have really loved writing online, being LS Harteveld/ Lauren. But I have also been aware that the immediate exposure of the work, and with that the immediate coming to terms with it or accountability, was in a way counterproductive to writing.
Some things need secrecy.
The best things do, I think.

So although today was spent coming to terms with that, I know there is always hope.
And sometimes hope is a fairy who has not yet made her wish,
and who can turn a finite ending, into a very long sleep.

Even if that fairy, is you saving you from yourself.

~Suzanne
publisher of LS Harteveld

Books LS Harteveld/ Lauren

Lauren’s books are currently  still available at LULU
Disclaimer: Lulu has gone through a reorganization and covers do not display correctly. The spine of the book is displayed with the cover (after you ve clicked the description).
I have no idea how this plays out. I assume it will be fine, but I will not know until two weeks from now.
If they’re not alright, I will take all books offline and upload them later this year as second editions.

New books will also be added to Lulu, as sites are being curated.

coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2020
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- (Dutch)
5. ALL THE THINGS – unpublished work 2010 – 2020

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.
.
Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/

2006 – 2020 I m Ending All My Work As LS Harteveld Immediately

Published on by LS Harteveld

Dear Reader,

Today was another day I spent curating work, some letters and posts up to 9 years old.
And I know this could be one of those mid-labor thingy’s where you’re like:
“I never want another child.”
Only to then get pregnant again within three years, but this is not a new thought.
The relationship between writing candidly about whatever I want, which were diary posts and other posts often directly linked to my own life, and not desiring to discuss them –
has been straining from the start which was 2006.

If you want the management summary:
Follow Rock Star Writer blog
and
Rock Star Writer on Facebook

These are accounts under my real name (Suzanne),
where I will eventually even make all my LS Harteveld material available in print, but I have no idea when and I will stop all my LS Harteveld accounts.
So I will no longer communicate as her, just about her.

So although having a pseudonym was still functional at the beginning of the century, and even in the age of blogging –
With social media currently making the direct interaction with your readers the most valuable aspect, books and even blogging have become more of a sideshow.
You are in constant conversation with other people and you also write.
Whereas it used to be: you write first and then post it to social media.
Being a creator used to be the main reason to be on social media, but they’re social for a reason of course.
And I think by now it’s no longer nessecary, or perhaps even desirable really, to be a creator when you’re on social media.
Aside from maybe artistic expressions that are tailored specifically to the medium itself –
like Instagram has turned many of us into creators.
But that is different from the way I started, when writing and wanting to share it, was a completely legit reason to be on social media.
It’s kind of no longer that time anymore.

And because it is no longer that secretive who is behind an account, and because conversation about all sorts of topics, is part of what we do on social media, I have been moving gradually but now ultimately and decisively – to writing and speaking far less candidly, but under my real name.
This way I can keep writing and expressing myself.
But I don’t have to shy away from having a conversation about it.

So that is the reason I am cancelling all my LS Harteveld accounts, but I have considered staying “in business” with my books/ keep them available.

But I have decided I’m also cancelling all my books, and I had no less than SEVEN good reasons to do so:

1. software Update with the publisher

Lulu International had a change in software, which has many changes but one of them was that Dutch Lulu has been cancelled.
This means I no longer have a local customer service and my Dutch clients no longer have a Dutch user interface or customer service.
More importantly the update has made it unsure if my books are still printed the way they’re supposed to.
They’ve made some adjustments with the sizes, and the covers do not look good.
Staying “in business” as LS Harteveld would mean I would have to buy them all again, and check if they still come out okay.

2. I already quit writing about sensitive subjects and don’t really crave writing anything else (here)

Because writing has been straining for my love life, as well as all my other relationships, I had already decided I was going to quit writing about those matters.
The topics I write about under my real name, are far less personal.
So I had already quit being a writer of interesting things – it was only a matter of time before I realized that my pseudonym was only for the interesting things.
If I m no longer up for the job, there is no reason to stay.

3. email address and website

The books I have on Lulu.com have my old website address in there, as well as the email attached to it.
Also, the Lulu account itself uses my email address that is attached to it.
If I would keep my books available online, it would mean having to keep an email address/ website, and therefor still being “available” for feedback or to discuss the books.
In 2006 a pseudonym was a safe haven.
in 2020 social media have brought the writers and the rock stars right into your timeline;
Which is great!
But this really makes it pointless to have a pseudonym.
I don’t want to have a discussion about that work ever again, and want all websites gone.
Including the one mentioned on the first page of the book.

4. The Work is Too Painful

Like I said, I dug deep today. 
2011.
Everybody I cared for, and written about the last decade, has migrated, moved on, or is out of my life. And it often went in a very painful manner.
Family has stayed of course – but I never discuss my work with them.

I read 10 years of unpublished work and I see FOR WHAT I did it.
Was it worth the price?

My collected work is like a war memorial, knowing how you’ve lost almost everybody. And I m not saying I want them back in my life. It’s just that the time I wrote about evenings with friends, have such a bitter aftertaste – I can’t publish those retrieved stories with the same love I did in 2017, when I published my 10 other books.
And even worse:
I can’t reread those 10 books without feeling the loss of everything and everyone I lost since 2017.
Which is why I m taking all my books on Lulu down.
If you still want them (at your own risk – like I said, they had a software update) you can buy them here.

5. I want to become a full-time speaker and writer

On the outside I m making this “get a normal job” move, which I AM serious about! But on the inside I know that especially then, I m going to need a creative outlet that allows me to express myself fully.
Something that is truly empowering, and counterbalances doing someone else’s work 40 hours a week.
When I get home at 6 I m going to need something that’s strong, fast, and takes immediate effect.
A secret diary about my love life, that I publish once every two or three years, when the first storm has blown over – oh no. That is really not going to cover it.
Last year I cancelled my LS Harteveld YouTube, because I knew I was going to be more visible under my real name and didn’t want conflicting YouTube channels out there.
But if I get a job, and have very little time – everything has to be on point, immediately.
I have no time to waste, spreading myself thin over two identities.
And when that other identity does catch fire, and I generate an income out of it, it becomes pointless too, to have this secret one still out there.
It’s a conflict of interest.

6. I can republish my books “under” my real name

Once I have closed down all my LS Harteveld accounts, and invited everybody who is interested in that, to follow me under my real name, I can publish my LS Harteveld work with my new publisher, or perhaps the same publisher but using an account that is directly tied to me (not to my lsharteveld email).
I can indicate this is curated work, from an account that no longer exists.
I will not reprint it with my “own” name on the cover;
Even the yoga book I still have here, The White Tigress yoga book, and which I could easily sell as being “mine” under my real name;
It’s written in the spirit of LS Harteveld.
Not in the spirit of who I am in daily life.

And last but definitely not least!

7. I ve moved to 1995

Lauren Harteveld has moved to 1994, now 1995.
You can read these posts here on this page for as long as this site is up.
In 1995, Lauren has a day job but she wants to be a writer.
By making being in 2020 my “job”, and giving Lauren her “writing career” after her work,
I m essentially making space for this project.
This blog post, the one you re reading now, was not supposed to happen.
Lauren should go to bed/ lights out at 23.00.
But I didn’t want to waste another day-
Tomorrow morning I want to wake up as Lauren, in 1995.
Then I get behind my desk and from 08.00 to 17.30 it is 2020.
And then after 17.30 her computer no longer has to email and social media, because it is 1995 again.

That’s why I wrote you now, on my Tuesday night. 
Maybe that’s the key right?
Curating and publishing the work I/LS Harteveld created from 2010-2020, can be part of my day job- but the LS Harteveld who wrote from 2006-2020? She has moved.
She’s in 1995.

If we ever want to read the diaries she writes there, or firstly just give her the time and space to have an interesting life and some adventures after work, we need to set her free.

Meanwhile I, daytime me, invites you to join me on the Rock Star side.
Rock on.

~LS Harteveld/ Lauren/ Suzanne 

As long as this site is up, my books will be available.
At your own risk – like I said, they had a software update – you can buy them here.

Follow Rock Star Writer blog
and
Rock Star Writer on Facebook

These are accounts under my real name (Suzanne)

50 Shades I m going offline, but here’s how we keep in touch | final blog post & announcement 1995 series

Published on by LS HarteveldLeave a comment

The reason I am using the click-baity 50 Shades up there in the title, is because that IS the reason I m going offline.
When I started writing, in 2006, I did so to reboot my love life.
My Dutch novella Mang0*, and the Dutch erotic stories*, helped me process my past and set myself up for everything that was tantalizing, intriguing and downright terrifying when it came to sex.
And the offline diary I kept during my first affair*, did nothing short to saving my life.

But in my fourth book, things had started to shift*.

It was the first autobiographical book I wrote online.
The erotic stories too, were written online; But because they were fictional, they did not impact the people around me, nor did they impact my life in the way my later work would.
With the fourth book, that changed.
From now on I was a blogger, and my diary – although still largely fictionalized to protect the innocent – was public.

In 2015 I got an affair with a married man, whom I called Mr.Big. The reason I could deal with that, was because I started keeping a diary and wrote my first autobiographical erotic stories*.
I had gone next level, in how I was using writing as a way to develop myself, and to lead a love life that I would never be able to sustain if it had not be for writing.

But now things have shifted again.

It’s 2020 and we’re in the middle of a Covid crisis and technically sex (even when someone is single) is forbidden for as long as we have a 1,5 meter social distancing rule.
If you do not live together, you should not have been seeing or touching each other since early March. On July 1st, our sex workers are allowed to go back to work, but people who do not belong to the same household are summoned by law to stay 1,5 meters apart.
In a way that is good news for me.
It is amusing that although I may have been depicted as “an evil woman” during the 5 years I was with Mr.Big, I could not be fined nor was what I did against advice from the World Health Organization nor were there any Dutch laws against it.
Provoking social morale: Yes.
Was it illegal: No.
So all the non-same householders people having sex; Welcome to the club of sinners who can just feel in their bones that rules are so outrageous and unjust, you have no choice but to ignore them.
Because that’s what they’ve been doing:
No one I know of has refrained from having sex with someone they did not live with, because of Covid.
Yet this makes my position even more difficult: Because now someone needs to be blamed for this.
And if people in LAT relationships, and new couples are apparently not the right ones to blame for it, I know who is:
Independent women, and in particular those who have sex.
The C. crisis has evaporated the last bit of reasonable conversation we could have about sex, because it’s maxed out all reason there ever was.
It’s all used up to justify “normal” dating routines, holidays, and social gatherings;
I see no room left to have a conversation about sexual autonomy in the upcoming 18 months.
Economy comes first.
Family lives and couples second.
And sexually independent women are not even on the list of people allowed to speak. I would not be surprised if they would find a way to blame us for Covid, which I hope do not become prophetic words.

The second reason things with regard to my writing have shifted, is that social media has gotten more strict with regard to sexual content.
I probably could not even write anymore, what I wrote in 2015, without receiving a warning.
And the times I could write those even more explicit and daring Dutch erotic stories, as I did around 2010: That time is definitely over.
Social media is no longer the place to share explicit content, making online writing/ blogging itself, no longer the right medium to do so.
Every time I considered going back to writing erotica, I soon realized that it was no longer possible, or at least advisable,  to write erotica online.
You could risk losing your social media accounts.

Before I go to the last (real) reason I m going offline – as sort of a matter of fact thingy; I know deep in my heart, that the only thing I find worth rereading and publishing into books, are my diaries and sex stories.
That although I have over 500 (long!) blog posts to edit and publish, if I m really honest?
It’s probably a hundred which I need to get out with all my heart.
Only the ones considering my love life.
All the others:
The struggle with my career, articles on movies, music, politics even;
If I am ever going to publish it, they will be under my real name or in a bundle with all my unpublished work.

The name LS Harteveld was started in 2006, to write about my love life, and that’s all that should ever make it to paper here, from the work I have not yet published;
And from now on, it’s also all that will ever be written. But offline.

So this brings me to the final and most exciting reason I m going offline, and after 10 years of being a blogger, I will no longer be writing online.
And that’s because I m every bit as committed to my love life, as I was in 2006, when I ended my long term relationship to find out what in God’s name it was I wanted and enjoyed.
I had the feeling there was something fundamentally wrong with me being in a steady, living together relationship, but still assumed that since everybody else seemed to be okay with it I would probably one day end up healed and choosing the exact type of relationship I was leaving behind.  

Little did I know that I would find out that I need a non-monogamous independent man, who keeps things extremely exciting because he runs away all the time and is emotionally entirely unavailable, so that I can spend time with my books and diary.
I didn’t know that.
I didn’t know that out of all the people in the world, I was probably going to end up being the unhappiest of them all, in what they refer to as a safe and healthy relationship.
That it would not so much be the death of me; “Just” the death of my entire sexuality.
I will never see any reason to have sex with someone who has chosen for you, is reliable, and wants to spend his life with you.
And to this day, I have not come across anybody else who has this strong feeling of mandatory non-monogamy for a partner, in order to even “get it up”.

But having said that, I need a new style of writing, in order to keep developing myself. And I think for Mr.Big too, things had become too predictable in terms of me being the secret mistress who writes. It could have been one of the reasons he broke up with me.
A non-monogamous partner may do the heavy lifting when it comes to keeping things exciting. I would love to say: “And faces the most scrutiny.” except that this is of course not true at all.
My ex-lover Mr.Big never faced the same scrutiny as I did. Even if it did came out he would never face questions how it makes him feel to betray his wife.
He’d get a pat on the back and a “shit happens” if she found out and divorced him.
That I embraced my role as the antagonist, the natural enemies of the married peoples, was a strategic choice.
It is not because I think it is fair by any standard, that we put this on my plate.
I do not seduce men. I do not lure them into my lair, with promises of secrecy and unbridled sexual escapades.
I keep my distance and have actively and deliberately been pursued by one man, with whom I had an affair for 5 years; an affair he took full responsibility for.
He never portrayed himself as innocent until I came along.
He relieved me from that.
I was very lucky to have met him, and I hope to start having affairs again, but I resist the idea that a mistress (as I see it) is a seductress.
She likes giving up control to him.
She likes him calling her.
She likes the pain, even of loneliness.
It is the very nature of who she is.

But having said that, I think even she, meaning I, ultimately comes at a point where it is her time to spice things up with her lover, and to stop calling herself mistress to everybody else.
Mistress was my antagonistic title.
It was my: “You want me bad? I ll give you bad, you judgmental *insert swearing*”
I m done with representing myself as a mistress, even though I know that men who are already taken make the best fit to my wish list because I can be certain that they understand the rules of not leaning onto me, and smothering me with social demands and boredom that are damaging to my sexuality.
Still: A single man may be able to do the same.
That’s what I mean by developing myself.
The mistress title is first of all no longer valid, because we stopped having sex a year ago, and are no longer together.
Secondly, in theory a single man could be my partner, as long as he knows how to keep things fresh.
But thirdly, and this is the part I was referring to in particular when I said a mistress should keep things exciting as well:
I need to uplevel. Not just because it might have prevented him from breaking up, but also just for me.
When I get a new partner I want to let things develop offline, this time. Without the escape to write an online erotic story, that makes him never forget and come back for more.
I want to make a lasting impression without!
And learn how to write and process, without blogging it.
That’s one part of upleveling: I no longer want to need the blog, as I have done since 2010, in order to support my sex life.
Secondly, I want to spice things up.
Like I should have done earlier.
This means that I will no longer be giving in to my monogamous tendencies, and favor multiple relationships instead. I will never be the one-night stand type, nor someone who can have sex without being head over heels and completely inconveniently, in love.
But I since I am usually in love with multiple men, this means that in theory I can also have multiple lovers. There is room to develop.

But this leap needs to be without the writing.

In 2006 I started writing offline, and it sustained me through the first years after breaking up a relationship of 14 years.
In 2010 I took it online and that helped me dating a series of guys. I became very independent and a good writer.
In 2015, my need to write about my affair was stronger than my desire to keep it secret and not say a word to anybody. I needed to start documenting our affair, in order to be able to do it.
And it worked, and I m happy I did.

But right now, in 2020, the time has come to take writing offline again.
Because the C. crisis has made my preferences more prone to scrutiny.
Because Facebook doesn’t allow for erotica anymore anyway.
Because I no longer want to need blogging, the way I have done the past 10 years.
Because I can see that things had gotten stale. That to keep blogging about my love life, is to repeat what I ve already done.
And lastly, because I want to develop my love life, to maybe a single man who can have me in his life and keep it fresh – and lovingly support me in seeing other men – or maybe my love life will be similar to what it was.
Just not blogged about.
Which to me, is already a huge difference.

How we stay in touch

This is by no means a goodbye.
I will stay present on my Facebook and Twitter, and behind the scenes I ll both be publishing my books, as well as writing new ones.
I hope to get a love life that is so fascinating and compelling, the words will simply flow out of me!
I ve already set the stage, in fact I did that last summer already.
I started a project called “1994”, but the story is stuck. To move “1994” forward, the story of a 22 year old Lauren, whose lover Bear broke up with her and who is now struggling to find herself again – simply needs to be taken offline.
I can’t concentrate on being her, and living as her (it’s mostly a performance project, the writing is just a side effect) if at the same time I keep being here in 2020.

So what you can expect from me in the upcoming years are:
– new books: 2010-2020
A selection of juicy books, based on unpublished stories from my blogs.
Titles are Reboot, Big Mistress, Blote Kont (Dutch) and I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW. I m also considering publishing a book called All The Things – with all the (English) blog posts in chronological order, and not leaving anything out, but I have not decided on that one.
I will keep in touch with what’s happening behind the scenes, so it’s always a good idea to subscribe to this blog. And who knows, maybe I will feel the need to leave 1995 and write entirely new stories here as well!
I have been known to break my own word.
– new book: 1994
I started writing 1994 last year, you can find it here.
But it’s very frail, it needs more action. By going offline, 22 year old Lauren can finally start living again.
– presence on social media
Twitter and Facebook

Thank you very much for reading.
I feel kind of excited, because the relationship between my love life and writing – and how I use one to influence the other, has always been the major theme of my life, since 2006.
For me to quit online writing after 10 years, is a biggie, it really is.

And although I m going to put a lot of love into creating the books, of the work I ve made so far, it’s my curiosity to how the rest of the story goes, that makes this so exciting.
What will happen if I turn back the clock, to before 2010, and the even to 1995?
What will happen in my life?

It’s that story, and that work, that I look forward to sharing with you one day.

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

My diaries en erotica are available at my BOOK SHOP

*About my books

In this blog, I ve inserted several links to my books. 
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/LaurenandLulu

Lulu has gone through a reorganization: Dutch Lulu no longer exists, and the English website has some issue displaying the covers. The spine of the book is displayed with the book (after you ve clicked the description).
I have no idea how this plays out if you order it: I assume it will be fine, but I have not ordered books yet.
Now that I m no longer writing, I m going to publish more, and I will be become more hands-on with regard to my publishing and knowing all the ins and outs.

New books will be added to Lulu, as sites are being curated.

coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2020
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- (Dutch)
5. ALL THE THINGS – unpublished work 2010 – 2020

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.
.
Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/

 

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