My Midlife Crisis Blew Up At Lightspeed

At 1:30 the resistance cruiser blows through the Star Destroyer at lightspeed.
After a 10 second time delay, follows the swooshing sound effect.

This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara
Before our call I always give her a headsup..

Dear Sara,
One of the scenes in The Last Jedi I looked forward to every time I went to see the movie at the theater, was the one where the resistance ship crushes the battleship from the First Order by flying through it.
You can’t hear anything, you just get the visual of the triangular shaped spaceship being cut in half by a thin flash of light.
And then the blow comes much later.
Many get a chance to escape but ultimately all that remains are burned scrapes of metal flying around space.
It is over.
That is how I feel now, after years and years of misery and battle looking back.
Like being under siege for years on end, and finally losing the big and nasty thing that was firing at me.
And that here too, the silence after impact is so suspenseful but exciting! 
And when you finally hear the blow it has a velvety quality to it.
The past ten days so much has happened, that I almost don’t know where to start explaining it.
The most important change is that I feel like an entirely different person.
Last Friday I turned 48, and yoga wisdom related to the chakras explains why this shift was so immediate and almost tangible.
Because women go through cycles of 6 years per chakra.
That means on my 48 birthday I flipped out of the much dreaded 1st chakra period, which has been haunting me and has made life impossible.
Just like having a Star Destroyer hovering over you for 6 years.
When you’re born you start at the first chakra.
And girls move up to the second at six, boys at seven. This way, we enter a new phase every six or seven years.

So at 7 chakras x 6 years = 42 years old women are done, and they start at “1” again.
Men take 7 years per chakra so they enter this first chakra at 49 years old to 56.
And they re the ones who express it in the classic midlife crisis way;
Buying a motor cycle, taking plastic surgery, and having affairs with women half their age.
Some start a second family.
It’s all really just a matter of privilege, because women have the same midlife crisis from 42 to 48 years old.
But because they usually have more obligations with regard to taking care of their children and parents, or even have professions where people are depending on them, they are usually not liberated enough to just go straight into go-fuck-yourself-mode.
They have to appear serious and committed and have to mask it as Going Through Serious Stuff.
Make Meaningful Decisions.
And the fact that I know more women struggling with their health in their forties, than I know men who struggle with their health in their early fifties, indicates to me that some women even have to get sick before they feel it’s okay to take some time off and to start caring for themselves instead of others.
Reality is that a female midlife crisis is usually not the extravagant feast the men treat themselves to.
Looking back I can say I had the female midlife crisis.
Just like other women I blew up my entire career, turned my back on many things and lost a lot of my friends.

It was as if everything that wasn’t 100% aligned might have been allowed to stay in the beginning, but that ultimately my 1st chakra time was destined to be a time of great cleansing.
Nothing that wasn’t 100% pure would make it till the dawn of the 24 th of July, 2020.
It would all be purged from my life, or blown up in the finale when at light speed the Star Destroyer that my midlife crisis was, would be cut in half and left to die.
Even the last week, I was helped by the Universe to get clarity on a subject my former lover and me had been trying to avoid.
And that’s done now.
Everything, is done.
It’s over.
In the 1st chakra time, from my 42nd until last Friday, I didn’t get sick, I didn’t get pregnant, I didn’t find a man and settled down blissfully with my final-chance-baby;
All things many women in their forties do, and all things that would have horrified me.
Instead I only ended my yoga career and was treated to an exclusive and highly sexual affair, that in particular in the first two years brought me great joy and pleasure.
The final three years were harder, as he contacted me less frequently and I was forced to think about nitty gritty shit like:
“If I am not chosen as a real partner, and he contacts me ever fewer and fewer times-
when comes the time I should be the one to end it?
When can the euphoria no longer outdo the sadness?
If I m okay being second fiddle, how about third fiddle, fourth? How about once a year fiddle?
For how long can I take this?”
But now that it’s over I can say:
“What a fantastic way to spend a midlife crisis, fussing over boys!”
I really got the long end of the stick, with my midlife crisis.
My lover broke up with me in December, but there were still unresolved things which needed to be addressed, before I could get closure.
And it was as if the devil was behind me, the speed with which I managed to get that done before my birthday.
For three years I had been questioning myself about our relationship, something that did not end in December with our “official” split.
I needed more, I needed to hear it again.
So I put a lot of thought and effort into it, but still the clarity, the happiness, and the joy of starting anew on the morning after my 48th birthday surprised me.
And I have even more to be excited about because next to closing my 6 years of 1st chakra struggles;
I feel I ve finished a cycle of 14 years as a single.
14 Years of finding out my sexuality and relationship style.

All done! I found what I had set out to do and I also know  I m not going to invest another minute in my love life ever again.
I know now why dating has been such an ordeal, and it is all a lot more simple than I thought.
Of course, there is the whole needing tension and excitement thing, and having complex sexual preferences. But there is something else as well.
In my teens and twenties, relationships were formed from just hanging out and screwing each other’s brains out, and at some point you were like;
Oh, it’s been six months and we re still doing that, so maybe this is a thing.”
Whereas when I became single in my thirties, and this goes on until today, people are recruiting for a vacancy they have in their life.
If you’re unfit for the job of filling the position, you’re out.
There is no time for hanging out, other than with the intention of building a long term relationship or filling up the time until you have found someone better suited for your future plans and then you dump killing time date A and move on to potential life partner B.
There’s also bachelors who avoid intimacy, who guard their heart and who dump you after a couple of times either way.
Those are the options of dating as an adult.
14 years in and I m vowing to never give that cluster fuck of a sick dynamic one teensy tiny bits worth of attention ever again.
he only person I m ever willing to let into my heart is the one who has tons of time for me doing crazy shit and binge watch all seasons of Lucifer without leaving the house.
14 Years of research on my love life to find out I will probably never find real (organically grown) love because of a time management problem tied to adulthood.
I find that depressing, Sara.
Speaking of time management, I now have a lot of time on my hands!
And I m finally going spend it on becoming the 7-Figure Rock Star Writer I ve been aspiring to be for at least two years.
I think it clicked during our last call, when you said you can only create an empire if you saw that as your dominant creative expression.
After so many years of writing, I m so ready to move away from this desk!
To see my creativity as coming from the mind, and I long particularly to bypass using writing to shape my thoughts.
It has become slightly maddening, to have to write so much in order to think.
So one of my main objectives is to limit that, and to only write in the final stage.
I think I told you all there is.

This account is now managed by the me under my real name, Suzanne, and I ve picked up writing (illegally) for Facebook, where I m signing off with Suzanne/ Lauren.
Being Lauren from 2006-2020 has become a part of who I really am.
The real, pure Lauren is in 1995, she will write from there and I will print it at a later date.
It’s Monday now.
An exciting week!
I ll be spending it looking for a normal non-desk job, to which I look forward very much, but I ll also start or pick up publishing my work.
I ve created the real, new and updated list of books (way more than the 5 mentioned at the bottom of this post) and I ve got 10 so far.
So ten books are to be expected, from Lauren Harteveld.
All written between 2010 and 2020.
The resistance ship the Raddus going through the Star Destroyer at light speed.

I have had the vision of seeing myself as a Rock Star Writer, a 7-Figure Rock Star Writer, as early as 2018.
But it was always in and then out of focus.
It was like it was impossible to escape something big and bad pulling me back.
Exactly like the resistance ship the Raddus, that couldn’t get away from the Star Destroyer.
Every time it jumped to light speed they were tracked and the Star Destroyer was right behind them.

Ultimately the resistance evacuated the ship in tiny transporters, and Captain Haldo takes their nemesis head on by turning the cruiser around and using the last bit of fuel to blast it at light speed through the Star Destroyer.
“I” evacuated my LS Harteveld account; my pseudonym Lauren now lives in 1995.
And Suzanne is the captain Haldo who has blasted the midlife crisis that was standing between her and becoming a Rock Star Writer.
And she’s still enjoying the blissful silence and the velvety sound that followed.

Suzanne/ Lauren
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

With this post, I m picking up writing to Sara on this blog.
And I ll also post updates on when the books are ready.
You can follow this blog – the subscribe button is somewhere on this page, usually on the top right.

I also write as Suzanne/Lauren on our
Facebook page LS Harteveld
(illegal blogging)

And under my real name Suzanne:
Facebook page Rock Star Writer
And  rock star blog under my real name.

Books LS Harteveld/ Lauren

Lauren’s books are available at LULU
New books will also be added to Lulu, as sites are being curated.

coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2020
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
Blote Kont- (Dutch)
5. ALL THE THINGS – unpublished work 2010 – 2020

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.
Nederlands blog: