Category: Dear Sara

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

In retrospect, it was probably to-be-expected, after my previous message to you.
That, of course, I would go on digging in the past, for men who reached my heart or more, after I had set up my new “system” to “handle” with men who were interested in me.
Neither system nor handle are exactly the right word, but it will have to do.

Either way access to me seems to be under control and I no longer need to be involved.
There is plenty of time to look back and reminisce.

Which could explain why someone I had not thought about – not like this! – came up again. He’s also the unnamed love interest from the final paragraphs of my previous message to you.
I didn’t remember until I just reread. Apparently he was already heavily on my mind, last time we talked.

The irony is that I have had many attempts to deliberately think about him, but I never succeeded.
I tried because I thought it would relieve the burden of feeling so much for my last lover. That I could transfer it to a borderline fictional crush from the past. Only to find out it didn’t quite work that way.
Then why now?

I’m grateful and it feels just as great as I imagined it would;
But why now?
Why was I able to recreate my affection towards him, in an entirely natural way, without any effort?

And then I found the answer!
Because the man I fell in love with last year, carries the exact same energy.

Now before I dive into this, a concept I will call Angel Love, describing the ethereal yet powerful presence both him and this new man have or had, I want to preface it by comparing it to another powerful, yet entirely different energy, which is from that past lover, Mr.Big.
The stark contrast between Angel Love and Mr.Big’s love, will bring my point across more vividly.

So first Mr.Big;
Why was I so extremely crazy about him, and why did I feel so safe and nurtured even though I was only his mistress? Nothing more was offered.
The answer lies in the inviting atmosphere Mr.Big created; 
Warm, nurturing, and completely low key.
He was completely at ease, and he kept his space clean, warm in winter and he wasn’t one of those grown ups who doesn’t have any sweets or candy around.
Although I have only had good lovers and wonderful men in my bed, he was beyond a shadow of a doubt the best lover I ever had.
I could turn my whole box of kinks upside down, and he’d still know what I was hiding.
It was magnificent.

So! 
Then why on earth do I find myself romanticizing someone – two men actually, if I include the one I met last year – Why do I romanticize them when what I had with them counts as “almost nothing” to “absolutely nothing”?
Nothing but “a moment”, where we both felt it.
But moments don’t count. Not compared to living out your whole box of kinks.

Is this some Victorian romantic idea of favoring men I have done “nothing” with, over the one I was well on my way of doing “everything” with?
But fortunately, I cracked the code, and that wasn’t it.
It had nothing to do with morals of any kind.

You see, here’s the thing;
With Mr.Big, the foundation of what he offered was very much in the 3D. The material world. His wealth and demanding nature had earned him the seclusion of a luxurious condo, all to himself.
Now he was the one who got that somehow accepted in his marriage, which is quite the feat, but there was no denying that I felt so safe and taken care of, because he was first and foremost taking really good care of himself.

Mr.Big was also a man I could trust with the vulnerability of my naked body, and of being there alone in his apartment. It’s not like anyone with real estate can get into my pants, far from.
But the truth of the matter is still, that Mr.Big’s appeal, and the appeal of what he offered me, was largely a financial matter.
Privacy is as expensive as it is hot.

So if that is our baseline here;
Then what is Angel Love?
And why does it explain why I’m suddenly thinking about that man from the past?

.
~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

I remember marble tracks as being  a simple wooden toy, where you drop the marble on the top track, and watch it rolling down over de diagonal slide to the right, drop to the next tier, and so on.
Until it comes out at the bottom , over a melodious staircase that makes music from the marble running over it.

But I just Googled these marble tracks, and they have gone totally next level!

No longer a uniform toy, the tracks are now built similarly to Lego. And there are boxes with sets for tracks ranging from globe-like spheres to colorful tracks connecting multiple tower constructions.

So my vision of a marble track symbolizing my love life, but one with gates that lock or open between different layers, is actually less fictional now than it was based on the toy from my youth.
That’s what I’ve been up to!
I have translated lessons from my love life, into a system. And it is giving me wings in every other area as well. Because you could build a track for each and everyone of them.

The idea is that the tracks, not you, select potential suitors.
And to not get emotionally invested until a marble falls through, into your bed in this case.

In a way, I’ve always had a marble track in place, but it was broader than what I’m aiming for now.
But it did work.
For instance, I have never encountered bad lovers, EVER. Our arrangements have been flawed in more ways than I can count, and I have worked around tough character traits  (both theirs and mine!!) at a level I would never have managed if sex had not been the reward.
But I never had someone in my bed who was not a wonderful lover.

As sort of a mid-text PS: I do want to add that I need to be madly in love with a man, right? I mean, you could argue that the track is nothing more than me learning not to engage with people I am not madly in love with.
That I take myself through that track time and time again, knocking into gates that stay closed because I know damn well I m not in love.

But for this blogpost, I’m going to leave that part out, because it’s just not very interesting. And frankly, it’s also not what has given me this feeling of “Cool I hacked this!”
You don’t think “Cool! I hacked this!” when you decide not to engage unless deeply in love. That is not actionable enough.

But back to this marble track, which has always been there.
But now, in the 2.0 2.6 version, I no longer feel responsible for who wants to go into the maze, nor for what they encounter there.
In particular not what they encounter inside themselves. I no longer perform emotional labor and consider it part of a broader feminist package against patriarchy.

And next to me not smoothing out any hurdles, the tracks are also about things I need to have an amazing experience.
Things like: Effort, initiative, holding space for me, attunement, and focus. It is tempting to add “clear communication”, but I really should not because I like the mystery of things being done without words.

The marble track should run in a way that it blocks anyone who will not be able to meet my new standards. 
For both our safety, really. But mostly, for my mental peace and quiet. 

The marble track has been working like a charm. And yes, it is keeping everyone out, which does not sound like much of a result.
But it is preventing me from performing emotional labor. Something I admit still having been caught up in, as recently as last year.

Meanwhile, I’ve made several attempts estimating which men from my past would have been in my life, if my boundaries had always been this strong, my standards this high.
I’ve identified four!

Two lovers would have been in my life, in much the same way as they have been. One from when I was very young, and my last lover as well. So the first and the last, really. Unchanged. If I had to psychologize it I would say those connections were so destined, they would not have been changed by any circumstance. Much less by me applying the principles of a kid’s toy.

With the majority of the men who have been in my life, there is of course really no telling if we would have done better, if I had had better standards. For many men it would have offered a challenge they’d have loved to live up to.
I can look back and think they would not have passed, but the truth is I have no idea how they would have responded. Many of them may have upped their game and could still have been in my life. And bed.

But the most interesting reflections were the ones immediately offering an entirely different picture!
A better one.
And although I said I would leave that aspect out – Yes, these were in fact men I was deeply in love with.

One was someone who broke up with me, in an incredibly messy and fucked up way. And yet I can now see that if he had had to work for my attention, he would have fought for me like a lion.
In hindsight I think he was someone who operated on the IKEA principle: The more effort he would have to put in to get it all up and running, the more attached he would be.
Had I not been the one working my ass off, he would have, and our relationship would have been entirely different.

And the final man with whom I know things would have been so much better, was someone with whom I was very much in love, but I rejected him because I was already involved. And also because my feelings for him scared me. He did not offer any stability or safety for me to hold on to.
And yet?
His energy was so clear, the connection so real;
He offered me the purest relationship gold but from a planet I had never been to. I did not recognize it.

Maybe me being so enthusiastic about the marble track never had anything to do with keeping the men out that were not putting in the work.

Maybe the reason I am so incredibly happy with this find is that I know the track will let the right one through.
Immediately.

.
~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

In November I wrote you a post called Becoming Lauren, which was about centering the softer, former-lover part of me.
Lauren is the name I created for myself almost two decades ago, when I started my quest to develop my love life, and in tandem with that, became a writer.

I never set out to become a writer yet it became clear from the get go I would never be able to step on the journey, let alone complete it, without becoming a writer.
Every quest requires transformation, and self-reflection is by far the most thorough as well as most autonomous way to do that. Had I not become a writer, I would have top-heavy burdened my friendships.

But now that it’s all in the past, every element surrounding Lauren Harteveld requires a review.

Do I still need that amount of reflection, now that I no longer have a sex life?
And I know for an absolute fact I will never let things get that complicated again.
But how can I keep what the past two decades brought me?

November’s post was an attempt to outline all the good Lauren brought me, and how I would want to, and need to, start designing my life more consciously in order to honor “her”, and not be burdened by work.

Little by little, and definitely with a generous amount of trial and error, the past six weeks have been about acting accordingly.
About giving “Lauren”, the soft sensual writer side of me who as a rule wants nothing to do with the outside world unless it’s really really good and sweet;
About giving her more space.

But what it made clear is that contrary to what I thought, the person I need to be focusing on in order to reach this space and atmosphere where Lauren can thrive is not Lauren;
It is her bodyguard.

It’s like that quote you often give me on creating Art being about creating the space where Art become inevitable.
I “only” need to create the space where Lauren becomes inevitable.
The space/ the life, where “of course” my inner-Lauren would want to be!

I need to be her body guard, protector, guardian angel, beneficiary, Landlady, Housekeeping and accountant so that she can do the only thing she wants to do:
Enjoy life in all its softness and sweetness.

Since my final letter to you I have been coming to terms with that, and that therefor the focus is not on Lauren.
It’s on giving Bodyguard-me full authority to keep people out, to set boundaries, control access, check identities, run background checks and to never let anyone interfere with Lauren before full clearance.

Even past interactions are no guarantee you will immediately be granted access;
The situation we are in, will be vetted every single time.
Access All Areas-passes will expire immediately after the event.

Now that I know this, which is only a recent insight, life has become incredibly simple, because for starters, the bodyguard only works 40h/week.
Any interaction needs to be within that time, because without her bodyguard Lauren does not even pick up her phone.

The only productive or worldly thing Lauren does, is writing. First thing AM, in her bathing robe, and letting it lavishly flow into her day, taking as many hours as she needs.

And her bodyguard still fast asleep.

.
~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

The good news is that my work under my real name, is taking shape.
And I love it so much.
The past couple of months I have streamlined my content planning, my wardrobe, my personas, and life has been throwing me boons instead of curveballs.
The right people are crossing my path, I’ve been incredibly lucky.

And yet….
Yet something is seriously off.
And because everything professional is better than it has ever been, I know the problem is not there. It is within. 
I’m losing my real myself, Lauren the writer.

It has been a blessing that, because I have been a writer under this alter ego for such a long time, I found who I truly was many years ago.
It made my “real life” easier. Because underneath I knew who I was, even though most people didn’t see me that way, and didn’t know I was a diary writer.

And I expected that once my career in this real world was just as well-thought through and fitted me the same way writing as Lauren Harteveld fitted me –
My life would feel even better.
That now, everything was aligned and as it should be.
Except apparently, it isn’t.

It feels like a brick has come loose in the road. Or an iron lit covering a manhole has shifted.
That something that used to be fixed, even when the rest was falling to pieces, has come loose.
And it won’t go away by basking in my newfound happiness in the workfield.
This, is deeper.

And I think it’s “Lauren”, this writer persona that is also my truest self.
The person I chose to become two decades ago, when I was solid in my work, and was willing to pick up some personal projects such as being single.
Which I had never tried.

I thought I’d do some stupid things, regret most of it, and probably even regretting breaking free like that and be lonely when I know I could have stayed with my boyfriend.
I was so willing to be disappointed.
But I wasn’t.

I loved being single, and it also made me a writer.
And I became Lauren.

But now with the rest of my life firing on all cylinders, I feel she’s slipping away…

I need to make her a priority once again.
Because I’m nowhere without her.

I have become her.

.
~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

It seemed like such a good idea:
To center my whole life around my relationships.
Professional relationships, friends, family, lovers, all, relationships.

If I had learned anything, and I certainly hoped so because it was one of the few things that kept me afloat these recent years, then it was that relationships require at least the same amount of planning, resources, and strategy, than “all” other areas of life.

“All” between quotation marks because there’s actually not that many areas.
In Africa they talk about “The Big Five” referring to the biggest animals, but I think humans have got less areas they actually focus on.
I’d say three for some, two for most.
And relationships, outside of romance or the nuclear family, is not one of them.

I had realized that my happiness throughout my life had been heavily dependent on at least one main social structure, and usually more, being presented to me on a silver platter…..
School, university, work;
There was nothing I needed to do, I could just hop on the wagon and off I went.
I never had problems socializing.

Looking back however, I can see the High Risk episodes in my life.
Time periods to a maximum of 6, 9 months maybe, where one social structure had ended and another one had not quite begun, and loneliness started creeping in.
So yes, I could have picked up this lesson sooner, that I was dependent on these structures.
But I didn’t.
Not until it came all crashing down in what was a perfect storm, that has been going on to this day.
Yet, I feel it is clearing up slowly, it’s definitely less dense. And either way, it is time to extract its lessons!
And since I’m probably still not done paying the price, I intend to find each and every one of them and get my years-long investment back.
I want to uncover every lesson that’s in there.

For what was probably just hours but it seemed like a lifetime, I believed one conclusion of this Storm Era, was I would be centering my life around my relationships.
This even tied into what an astrologer had told me, that my relationships were my wealth.
In the unlikely case this storm would ever fully clear up, I did not want this long Fall Out to happen again. And it didn’t have to, because this time I knew what to focus on. And more importantly, what NOT to focus on;
Writing.

My writing has damaged relationships, not facilitated them. And this came on top of writing itself being an isolating activity. A joyful, feeling-on-purpose and in-flow activity;
But technically isolating, none the less.
Just like fasting: Many people believe fasting to be healthy, but we’re all aware it should be done in moderation or you die.
Writing works the same way.

In my experience, creativity as a whole is a demanding lover, where you’re constantly wondering if this is one of those unhealthy relationships;
Or if it’s The Love of The Century.

I’ve been writing since 2006, yet never without questioning its true character. To have it pop up again as something that had eroded my social life, was kind of like the final drop in a bucket that had been overflowing for years.
It was time to close the tap.

My social life would become my number one priority.

But within hours, I course corrected.
I made a diary entry and photo copied it 4 times and pasted it into all the other notebooks of relevance.

If my diaries are ever studied and my life reconstructed, the curator will call it the diary entry of October 14, 2025, where you can see the writer accepts who she is.
“See, she copied and pasted it into all her running diaries at the time. It was clearly an important decision for her.”
And it clearly was.

So what have I decided?
Now that I have obviously accepted my fate that, just like all the other people, I do not center my life around my relationships.
And I don’t have a partner nor a nuclear family to take care of, so my number of things to focus on is even one less than for everybody with children, or a partner, and far less than anybody going on safari hoping to catch a glimpse of wildlife.

Which is that I will focus exclusively on my professional life.
Or lives.

From Monday to Friday, I work under my other, “real” name, including on all the content I create there. 
And on Friday evening I switch to weekend mode, which is for this account, for Lauren Harteveld.

Social appointments during the week will cannibalize be deducted from my creative hours, aka content hours.
And social appointments in the weekend will be very welcome because that’s what weekends are for.
And on weekends I will also write one small blogpost for Lauren Harteveld (this blog).

Should I have more time I will publish my book(s), but I’ve fallen off the wagon there so dramatically, I don’t even remember how to get up.
And either way, that’s not the most important aspect of this split.

The most important thing is that the author has accepted her fate as a writer and has effectively resisted the temptation to center her life around her relationships.

And here the middle-aged generation gamma curator pushes her glasses up her nose, and stares intensely at the small group of people taking the guided tour of the Harteveld Estate.

“This letter, which she pasted in all her diaries, is why we believe the 14th of October 2025 was one of the most important dates of the author’s life,”
The tour guide will say.
“She finally understood who she was, and what she had to do.”

And that it was indeed;
The Love of the Century.

.
~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living