This is a letter toThe best thing would be if I could write you I’ve got my dream man, my dream job, my dream business, my dream life and, why not, the dream body where I elegantly float through life as a 1991 yogini.
But what would be the next best thing?
How about: I can feel it’s all there, and I am absolutely stoked?
I can’t really pin down when it happened, which is a shame because then I’d know how to recreate it. On the plus side, I can’t hoard or hold on to it for dear life either, because I have no idea what it is.
So there are benefits to being clueless why life suddenly feels so good.
The closest thing I can compare it to is one of those early memes where a cute looking sticky man with large eyes carries a big jar with a label that says Happiness. And they say, in respons to something I forgot:
“Thank you, I made it myself.”
Without downplaying all the generous and unwavering support I got from so many people, including you because you have been with me ever since the walls came crumbling down in 2018, the closest thing I can say about this dangerously high level of bliss is;
“Thanks. I made it myself.”
Only to then be unable to resist and analyze it after all, even though I don’t have a clue what I’m looking for.
We start, of course, with the men.
Because I’m the only feminist still insisting her world should revolve around men, despite having the cognitive skills to reason that obviously, it should not.
The general reason why the men in my life have started to feel so good, is because since 2024 I’ve started falling in love again. There’s movement in an area that had fallen completely out of order over the years.
And I’ll leave it up to the imagination which area that is, because I like being mysterious.
But more than facts or details, it’s just the entire vibe of my love life that has changed. For a long time, I’ve had the endgame in mind to be able to feel (big apology for the theatrical language) like an absolute Goddess, fully owning my sexuality but completely independent of if I have lovers or not.
And that is exactly what has happened.
It’s best explained as a feeling of sovereignty.
There is so much, that is no longer on the table.
And if you caught the sexual reference, then that was punned. The Goddess demands a proper bed.
Simply put, sovereignty means I’m not going to share my life in any traditional, or non-traditional, sense.
As soon as I wrote it out, the word sovereignty also gave me the key to what the jar of happiness is made of. Fortunately, because I do not feel like analyzing every area of happiness. Just analyzing it by my changed relationship to men, already gave away the answer.
Sovereignty is the reason I’m now suddenly carrying around this big jar of happiness, looking forward to lovers, career, business and the whole rest of my life, because I got everything handled and whatever happens on top of that will spark even more joy.
Give more satisfaction, interaction, meaning and purpose.
Every area of my life, I’ve already determined how I relate to it, and what my version is.
Including estimating the maximum price I am willing to pay to live this independently.
It’s like I engineered something I always believed was up to chance, until it was within my control.
There is an old riddle about two guards, guarding two doors. One leads to heaven and one leads to hell. The guard in front of hell will always lie, and the one in front of heaven will always tell you the truth.
What question should you ask, to know which door to take?
The riddle teaches us how to navigate uncertainty, by using what little certainty we do have.
But prior to that, there’s an even bigger message;
Only walk through gates if you know exactly where they lead to.
In particular, if they’re guarded.
.
~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living
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