Rage.
That was the unexpected but so very welcome emotion. Somewhere between 1.5 and 25 years late.

But of course, as is often the case with her (I insist on calling rage feminine, the gender that can make the biggest claim to feeling it) I had no idea she was on her way, nor that she would bring an important message.

Because fuck that shit!
I let the bad guys (I insist on this being male) take my chosen profession away, poison it and internalize the loss of it, now questioning if I had ever wanted it.
Which was to be a yoga teacher.
My choice, late 20th century.
And it was one of the most authentic, heartfelt choices I had ever made.

Yoga, to me, meant mastery and therefor autonomy over one’s body.
It was liberating.
An act of rebellion.
A path to freedom.
It was a Fuck That Shit, with Punk Rock gusto.

Yet, what did I do?
I let it slip, fizzle out, a slow and painful death.
And now that I’ve switched industries, to something that I both love but also pays the fucking bills (I think I’ll keep swearing about this, for the rest of the century);
Now, I recoil.
Now, I realize what I fucking lost, and let capitalism and patriarchy win.

Patriarchy, because you can’t be a powerful female yoga teacher, who inspires physical liberation, in a system that represses sexuality for everyone, and objectifies women on top of that.

It’s impossible to be the professional giving people (I insist on this being all genders) physical autonomy when they have never been allowed to feel in the first place.

In retrospect, I had tiptoed around the force I knew would be unlocked if I taught yoga from power, and without watering it down.
I could not make myself do it, for many reasons, most of them purely professional. But also out of fear.

Because the system does not let you become The Great Liberator, and let you live. And if you’re a woman, you don’t even have to be a Great Liberator to be considered a threat. Staying unseen does not equal safety for us, and visibility compounds to very bad things.

Until it’s 2026, and although I fully understand why I abandoned teaching yoga, and acknowledge I never taught it the way I intended it;
Now, it is time.

Let me rephrase;
It is fucking time.

.
.~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living