LS Harteveld

In retrospect, it was probably to-be-expected, after my previous message to you.
That, of course, I would go on digging in the past, for men who reached my heart or more, after I had set up my new “system” to “handle” with men who were interested in me.
Neither system nor handle are exactly the right word, but it will have to do.

Either way access to me seems to be under control and I no longer need to be involved.
There is plenty of time to look back and reminisce.

Which could explain why someone I had not thought about – not like this! – came up again. He’s also the unnamed love interest from the final paragraphs of my previous message to you.
I didn’t remember until I just reread. Apparently he was already heavily on my mind, last time we talked.

The irony is that I have had many attempts to deliberately think about him, but I never succeeded.
I tried because I thought it would relieve the burden of feeling so much for my last lover. That I could transfer it to a borderline fictional crush from the past. Only to find out it didn’t quite work that way.
Then why now?

I’m grateful and it feels just as great as I imagined it would;
But why now?
Why was I able to recreate my affection towards him, in an entirely natural way, without any effort?

And then I found the answer!
Because the man I fell in love with last year, carries the exact same energy.

Now before I dive into this, a concept I will call Angel Love, describing the ethereal yet powerful presence both him and this new man have or had, I want to preface it by comparing it to another powerful, yet entirely different energy, which is from that past lover, Mr.Big.
The stark contrast between Angel Love and Mr.Big’s love, will bring my point across more vividly.

So first Mr.Big;
Why was I so extremely crazy about him, and why did I feel so safe and nurtured even though I was only his mistress? Nothing more was offered.
The answer lies in the inviting atmosphere Mr.Big created; 
Warm, nurturing, and completely low key.
He was completely at ease, and he kept his space clean, warm in winter and he wasn’t one of those grown ups who doesn’t have any sweets or candy around.
Although I have only had good lovers and wonderful men in my bed, he was beyond a shadow of a doubt the best lover I ever had.
I could turn my whole box of kinks upside down, and he’d still know what I was hiding.
It was magnificent.

So! 
Then why on earth do I find myself romanticizing someone – two men actually, if I include the one I met last year – Why do I romanticize them when what I had with them counts as “almost nothing” to “absolutely nothing”?
Nothing but “a moment”, where we both felt it.
But moments don’t count. Not compared to living out your whole box of kinks.

Is this some Victorian romantic idea of favoring men I have done “nothing” with, over the one I was well on my way of doing “everything” with?
But fortunately, I cracked the code, and that wasn’t it.
It had nothing to do with morals of any kind.

You see, here’s the thing;
With Mr.Big, the foundation of what he offered was very much in the 3D. The material world. His wealth and demanding nature had earned him the seclusion of a luxurious condo, all to himself.
Now he was the one who got that somehow accepted in his marriage, which is quite the feat, but there was no denying that I felt so safe and taken care of, because he was first and foremost taking really good care of himself.

Mr.Big was also a man I could trust with the vulnerability of my naked body, and of being there alone in his apartment. It’s not like anyone with real estate can get into my pants, far from.
But the truth of the matter is still, that Mr.Big’s appeal, and the appeal of what he offered me, was largely a financial matter.
Privacy is as expensive as it is hot.

So if that is our baseline here;
Then what is Angel Love?
And why does it explain why I’m suddenly thinking about that man from the past?

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~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

I remember marble tracks as being  a simple wooden toy, where you drop the marble on the top track, and watch it rolling down over de diagonal slide to the right, drop to the next tier, and so on.
Until it comes out at the bottom , over a melodious staircase that makes music from the marble running over it.

But I just Googled these marble tracks, and they have gone totally next level!

No longer a uniform toy, the tracks are now built similarly to Lego. And there are boxes with sets for tracks ranging from globe-like spheres to colorful tracks connecting multiple tower constructions.

So my vision of a marble track symbolizing my love life, but one with gates that lock or open between different layers, is actually less fictional now than it was based on the toy from my youth.
That’s what I’ve been up to!
I have translated lessons from my love life, into a system. And it is giving me wings in every other area as well. Because you could build a track for each and everyone of them.

The idea is that the tracks, not you, select potential suitors.
And to not get emotionally invested until a marble falls through, into your bed in this case.

In a way, I’ve always had a marble track in place, but it was broader than what I’m aiming for now.
But it did work.
For instance, I have never encountered bad lovers, EVER. Our arrangements have been flawed in more ways than I can count, and I have worked around tough character traits  (both theirs and mine!!) at a level I would never have managed if sex had not been the reward.
But I never had someone in my bed who was not a wonderful lover.

As sort of a mid-text PS: I do want to add that I need to be madly in love with a man, right? I mean, you could argue that the track is nothing more than me learning not to engage with people I am not madly in love with.
That I take myself through that track time and time again, knocking into gates that stay closed because I know damn well I m not in love.

But for this blogpost, I’m going to leave that part out, because it’s just not very interesting. And frankly, it’s also not what has given me this feeling of “Cool I hacked this!”
You don’t think “Cool! I hacked this!” when you decide not to engage unless deeply in love. That is not actionable enough.

But back to this marble track, which has always been there.
But now, in the 2.0 2.6 version, I no longer feel responsible for who wants to go into the maze, nor for what they encounter there.
In particular not what they encounter inside themselves. I no longer perform emotional labor and consider it part of a broader feminist package against patriarchy.

And next to me not smoothing out any hurdles, the tracks are also about things I need to have an amazing experience.
Things like: Effort, initiative, holding space for me, attunement, and focus. It is tempting to add “clear communication”, but I really should not because I like the mystery of things being done without words.

The marble track should run in a way that it blocks anyone who will not be able to meet my new standards. 
For both our safety, really. But mostly, for my mental peace and quiet. 

The marble track has been working like a charm. And yes, it is keeping everyone out, which does not sound like much of a result.
But it is preventing me from performing emotional labor. Something I admit still having been caught up in, as recently as last year.

Meanwhile, I’ve made several attempts estimating which men from my past would have been in my life, if my boundaries had always been this strong, my standards this high.
I’ve identified four!

Two lovers would have been in my life, in much the same way as they have been. One from when I was very young, and my last lover as well. So the first and the last, really. Unchanged. If I had to psychologize it I would say those connections were so destined, they would not have been changed by any circumstance. Much less by me applying the principles of a kid’s toy.

With the majority of the men who have been in my life, there is of course really no telling if we would have done better, if I had had better standards. For many men it would have offered a challenge they’d have loved to live up to.
I can look back and think they would not have passed, but the truth is I have no idea how they would have responded. Many of them may have upped their game and could still have been in my life. And bed.

But the most interesting reflections were the ones immediately offering an entirely different picture!
A better one.
And although I said I would leave that aspect out – Yes, these were in fact men I was deeply in love with.

One was someone who broke up with me, in an incredibly messy and fucked up way. And yet I can now see that if he had had to work for my attention, he would have fought for me like a lion.
In hindsight I think he was someone who operated on the IKEA principle: The more effort he would have to put in to get it all up and running, the more attached he would be.
Had I not been the one working my ass off, he would have, and our relationship would have been entirely different.

And the final man with whom I know things would have been so much better, was someone with whom I was very much in love, but I rejected him because I was already involved. And also because my feelings for him scared me. He did not offer any stability or safety for me to hold on to.
And yet?
His energy was so clear, the connection so real;
He offered me the purest relationship gold but from a planet I had never been to. I did not recognize it.

Maybe me being so enthusiastic about the marble track never had anything to do with keeping the men out that were not putting in the work.

Maybe the reason I am so incredibly happy with this find is that I know the track will let the right one through.
Immediately.

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~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living