Games are fun (and divine)

Published on by LS Harteveld
Last week, I had a call with my creativity coach Sara
The email sent before our call was:
A Safe Place for Her
This new series “The Day After” is written in its aftermath.


Games are fun (and divine)

A question that was never answered in a satisfying manner, finally got its definite answer.
The question was why I feel disappointment instead of happiness, the moment a man starts declaring me his love or, alternatively, when he tries to get a reassurance out of me that I like him.
It feels like the whole point of our connection is being undone, the moment it happens. Like we can just break the whole thing off right there and then, because we can’t go anywhere from here.

That secret was solved this week.
And I will get more into it later on, although you may also be able to guess the  Why This Is, based on the title.

However, before I get into solving the riddle I have to preface this by saying that the heaviest lifting around this topic was not done in this session with Sara, but by an astrologer I consulted.
Initially, I even thought the best place for this reveal would be my other series, In the stars (where I talk about men).

But this post is not “about men” (it’s about me!), and it’s not about men’s sun signs either. It’s about the two planets Venus and Saturn in my natal chart.
So that’s why, even though the following discovery was made by the astrologer, I am discussing it here in this series The Day After, in the aftermath of Sara’s coaching session.

First something that came to table the moment Sara asked me what had struck me most from having this astrology reading.
And I don’t mean to turn this into an unpopularity contest against myself, but what popped to mind first is definitely just as unsympathetic as saying out loud I do not respond well to a man wanting to connect over their insecurities.
And that is that I need a man out there, doing things, playing ball, being in the mix, nailing life!
In other words: I need him powerful.
And I know terms like that are not helpful in any way, least of all in dismantaling patriarchy. But the astrology reading did bring me to this point of getting a better understanding why I have that unpopular preference.

You see, the astrologer is someone who is very visible.
And although visibility was not a topic in our conversation, I did feel seen in a strange way. As if for one brief moment my own burdens with regard to visibility, were shared or understood.
I told Sara that if I could have it my way, and I’d draw up a wish list of what I want in a lover, I would choose for him to be visible.

Visibility and creative expression are of course not the only way to be in your power. And, as my former lover Mr Big proved, I am susceptible to other forms of it as well.
But still, it was great to see one form surfacing so very specifically:
“I like a lover to be visible.”
That’s almost actionable, it’s a very concrete thing to look for.

And then I told Sara another thing about the astrology session, and that was about the old secret finally solved. The riddle why I react so strongly, if a man wants to discuss his feelings with me. Regardless if how I handle it is good enough (which I think it is), I am disappointed.

It is because my Venus is in the sign of Gemini.
That is why I want my love life to be fun and games.

So according to the astrologer, the “problem” with my Venus wasn’t so much her placement in the shadows of Dark Lord Saturn – which I thought wasn’t a healthy environment for her – but the fact that she was in this very fun loving sign of Gemini.
Since most partners will expect some form of commitment in their love life, or some structure or financial merger, being all about the play will lead to misunderstandings.

My Gemini Venus has been playing an entirely different dating game, all along. Where the prize is not that you are my man, but the prize is the game itself.
Every time someone new enters my life, I expect them to be excited that we’re going to play.
And to me – as well as to them I presume!!! – this game is largely independent of how attractive I find him.
The game itself comes with its own chemistry and when someone refuses to play – and regardless of if I’m in love with him – everything falls flat.

What has been angering me in my communication with men, from when I was just an early teen and it were still boys, is that my invitation to play gets misread for an audition to whether he is good enough or attractive enough to be boyfriend material.
When those things are largely irrelevant to me.
So to interpret flirting, and having a good time TOGETHER, or even just getting to know one another a little bit, and then deciding to go for coffee;
To interpret that as something temporarily inconvenient and stressful to hurry through as soon as possible in order to settle into a normal relationship?
That means we might as well break it off immediately, because there’s no coming back from this.

My game of love requires a man who can hold that tension, knows how to move his pieces across the board, but who also gives me time to process his move and waits until I make mine.
Again, there’s that tension again, that he must be able to hold.
And I his.

There is a profound underlying trust with the men with whom I do play that game.

“I told the astrologer about Mr. Big,” I said to Sara, referring to the games I played very openly with my longterm lover who left a few years ago.
In the first half year of our affair I would even give points out loud, and declare who won after every date.
“The astrologer was little shocked by the fact that the one with the least emotional damage would win.”

I didn’t try to convince the astrologer my games had not been cruel.
All I remembered was that to me those games had been absolutely invigorating, compared to the men that had needed reassurance, clarity, or emotional support.
And the game had also given me a way to frame it, when I had been hurt by him not calling afterwards, or not being able to sleep or process it.
I could refer to it a next time and say: “You won that one.”
Or kissing him goodbye in high spirits saying:
“I win tonight. Because I kept my pants on.”

“I know it looks cruel,” I said to Sara. “But it was so good. And only he could play at that level.”

And suddenly it all fell into place.

What to do with my lighthearted Venus, in the shadow of stern Saturn.
Why I like powerful men.
And even why I wrote Sara the letter A Safe Place for Her discussing how to make room for the lover-me, the Lauren-me.

Because Sara and me had inadvertently discovered who the “Her” from the title was. She was not just Lauren the lover, but in fact the misunderstood Goddess Venus in Gemini. Who had been so eager and excited to play, every time a new suitor came.
Only to be heavily disappointed every time they had not been up for it.

She was now beginning to suspect they had mistaken her for her neighbor Saturn.
Ruler over structure, earthly responsibilities and karmic duties.

She was not on very good terms with her neighbor, as she found him boring and he was killing her whole vibe.
And her suitors angered her by ringing her doorbell, when judging from what they expected to find, they had actually been looking for Saturnian reassurance.
Not divine play.

To Venus, there could never be something like happily ever after.
There was only the game, and it was one few wanted to play.
But she did understand now why she wanted her men powerful. Or what she had meant by it, and that it had little if anything to do with material wealth.
And everything with him being a strong player.
Her/my demand for strong men, only meant strong enough to play the game.

And she also understood why people would think of her as cruel, because indeed, she had played hardball.
But this had not been entirely her own choice, she could see that now. 

With Saturn as your neighbor, you have to become more serious, more structured, and more vigilant with your boundaries.
You have to defend what’s yours, or he will takeover.

Saturn may not have been the easiest neighbor for Venus, destined to be together in the sign of Gemini.
But she could see how his intimidating presence had actually helped her:
She, my Venus in Gemini, had become a stronger player.

Still playful, still fun, still non-committal at least in a traditional sense.
But powerful none the less.

My desire for a strong man, someone who plays, is not about preference, ego or some glamorous power-couple fantasy.
It’s an understanding of what needs to be in place before we can move forward. I may even say, before we can safely, move forward.
Because at this point I’m beginning to see, I need to start having consent conversations about what it is I offer, and what I don’t offer.
What can be expected, and what cannot.
And that my commitment is to the game, not to a person.

And that if we do this, he’ll always be able to find me on the field, whether it’s been a week, or whether it’s been a decade.
Because this game does not have a beginning, and it does not have an end.

Let’s play.


~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

Subscribe to this blog for these The Day After posts, my letters to Sara, the series Harteveld 2026* and the Behind the Scenes of my year 1991 diary.
The subscription button is on this page, most likely on the top right.

Books 

My diaries are available at LULU 
New books will be added.

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready,
is to subscribe to this blog.
Button on this page, probably on the top right.

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Nederlands blog:
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The Horned Ones | In the Stars (where I talk about men)

Published on by LS Harteveld

This year, I had my first online astrology reading.
This new series “In the Stars” (where I talk about men) will be written based on the notes I took, and the memories that rose to the surface.

 

Episode 4
The Horned Ones

Topic: Aries, Taurus, and Capricorn Men 

Management summary: 
You can leave your hooves on.
—

There are three signs represented by a hoofed animal:
Aries, Taurus and Capricorn.

Aries, the ram, is the very first sign of the zodiac. It is the only fire sign of the three, and represents new beginnings, and childlike strength and willpower.
But anyone who is familiar with the 90s series Xena, the Warrior Princess, will not need any of those pointers because Aries was personified as the Greek God Ares, Xena’s on and off lover in the series.

This Divine Masculine was immoral, impossible, evil more often than not, and of course totally irresistible.
Their history was a long and problematic one, where he was the one, if I recall correctly, who put the warrior into the princess.
And she was his Warrior Queen on many battles before she converted to being a warrior who saved people, instead of slaying them.

But the spark between them never died, and they did rekindle their affair occasionally later on in the series, when his personality had become more friendly.

Xena’s Ares God of War =  forever the sign of Aries.
I will die on that ancient Greek hill.
And yet, I will also eat my words on this. Because “my” Aries lovers had nothing in common with Ares, God of War. 

They were gentle, layered and, although they never shared their depths with me; It was obviously all there.
Referring to them as “the child of the zodiac”, would be selling them short in a major way.
So although for this first introduction I have introduced Aries to you by means of Ares, God of War, beware that this is only for as long as this article runs.
And then I’ll have you change your mind.

The second hoofed one, is going to be extremely short; Taurus.

Because I have never fallen in love with a Taurus man.
They’re ruled by Venus, just like the sign of Libra, an easy sign for me to fall in love with.
So it’s very odd that out of these two signs (Libra and Taurus) – both harmonious, both creating a life around beauty and art and good food (Taurus is even more associated with good food than Libra) – I have an overwhelming preference for Libra, and Taurus is one of the signs I don’t think I’ve ever fallen in love with.

Apparently Venus the Goddess of Love does not appear for me, through the sign of Taurus, but will always open the door to love through the sign of Libra.

So if you fall in love with a Taurus, I’d say:
Go for it. You will definitely not regret it, and will probably be sold on them for life.
But Taurus does not appear to be my type, as far as falling in love goes.

I do however have a great relationship with the female Taurusses in my life, but this series is called In the Stars “where I talk about men” (not women), so I’m not going to write about female Taurus, Capricorn or Aries.

The final one with horns; Capricorn.
Oh, where do I start?!
All good, all good, but can we start off with Capricorn being something of an acquired taste?
Because I think it is, they are. Capricorns are not for the faint at heart, but worth it every hoofed step of the treacherous way.

For context to these bold claims: In Tarot, the sign of Capricorn is associated with the major arcana card “The Devil”. 
Taurus with The Hierophant, the religious advisor.
And Aries with the unapologetic leadership of The Emperor.
Capricorn did not have a lucky draw here but arguably, they did have the most interesting one.

Which could explain why Capricorn energy has been quite abundant throughout my life! There seems to be an understanding between us, in a grounded, stable, no fuss way, that provides a foundation on which we can basically build anything we fancy.
And that, is rare.
There is a sturdiness to them and if I had to choose one man, one sign, to end up on a deserted island, I’d choose the sign of Capricorn.

Just like mountain goats are the only ones skilled to climb rough terrain with dangerous cliffs, in the same way Capricorn men are the only ones who can survive the rough challenges capitalism presents.
Or deserted islands.
The only ones who will have their emotions under control, and will fill up their brains with whatever is required to move forward in life.
Until they reach the top.

On the foot of the mountain, I am with an Aries man.
Our fire isn’t big enough to provide enough warmth to compensate what feels like a cold between us.
It’s not a hostile one, more like a draft. The unmistakable sign that two people, although well intentioned, have hid a brick wall mostly within themselves.
Something they cannot express, but they both know the evening will not recover from this. It’s over.

With an Aries man neither one will get what they want, it will always fall short. Either on the date itself, or in the months after.
And always for the exact same reasons:
Because one of you or (more likely) both, are bringing expectations or hopes that you fail to verbalize. Not even after they were not magically picked up and met.

Aries men and me took action moving the connection forward, yes.
The encounters carried an element of bravery in them, that is usually absent from the dating game.

But our action-taking nor our bravery were rewarded by a happily ever after, but with an experience that would force us to look at our inner-world. To face the very thing we didn’t want to face, and had secretly hoped the other would magically fix for us.

Dating an Aries man is not flawless, nor spectacular, nor everything you dreamed of. But because he faces the pushback head on, and carries that pain of whatever it was the two of you bumped into, he still sets an inspiring example.

You will come out having learned extremely important lessons.
Which, I assume, really could not have been learned any other way.
Where your blind spots are and to take responsibility for what you want.
Because he sure as hell isn’t going to.

The series’ intro explains;
“She was Xena, a mighty princess, forged in the heat of battle.”

An Aries Man is the one who will turn every princess, ultimately and inevitably;
Into a warrior.

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

Subscribe to this blog for these In the Stars (where I talk about men) posts, my letters to Sara, the series Harteveld 2026* and the Behind the Scenes of my year 1991 diary.
The subscription button is on this page, most likely on the top right.

Books 

My diaries are available at LULU 
New books will be added.

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready,
is to subscribe to this blog.
Button on this page, probably on the top right.

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Nederlands blog:
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A Safe Space for Her

Published on by LS Harteveld
This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara
Before our call I always give her a headsup.
.
Dear Sara,
.

I cannot let this story end, the way I was willing to just minutes ago.
So bear with me, because I won’t let this die on us.

Lauren deserves her happy end.
Even though I have no idea how to give her one.

But the previous version reminded me of the role of the last fairy in the story of Cinderella. She had not yet made her wish. And that was why, after the evil witch had cast a spell that Cinderella would die on her 18th birthday;
She, the final fairy, could soften it to Cinderella sleeping for a 100 years.
Not dying.

Only in my story I was the evil witch who had decided that in order to survive patriarchy for the upcoming decades, I had to fully step into my masculinity;
And Lauren, the femme lover, had to die.

And I was also the last fairy who said:
“We will build her a safe space. Lauren will live, we will make sure of that.”

And now I am Lauren Harteveld the writer who says:
“That is not good enough. We need to save her. And by save I mean that her best life should not be behind her. It should be ahead.”
And I paused before I added:
“And by best life, I mean best sex life.”

And good fairy-me and evil witch-me said:
“Duh.”

And that was how, minutes before writing this post, I changed my mind, even though I have been convinced for weeks I would go the masculine road.
And that the moments when I still wore beige (my Lauren color), the moments I felt love for a man or thought of myself as a sexual being, that they were nothing more than final flare-ups of denial.
I thought I could push through because this was the only way.

You know everything that happened, and how it absolutely broke me. Or to be more precise: It rebirthed me into this badass superhero who did not feel anything anymore.
The moments I step into that version of me, there is a complete isolation.
And it doesn’t even feel bad, it feels enlightened.
Because when you are emotionally detached, you are no longer bothered by the heaviness of life. Life becomes serene, funny, playful. But there is a complete disconnect because despite the word “lightheartedness” having the word heart in it: My personal lightheartedness did not have my heart in it.

So even though the plan took care of all the moving bits and pieces, by saving Lauren as well as providing a safe, coherent and doable strategy as to who I would be the second half of my life;
I couldn’t do it.

The day felt like standing on the edge of a cliff, dreading the bungy jump that suddenly felt like a death verdict.
The part about actually saving Lauren, the feminine part of myself that I cultivated so patiently over so very many years, no longer seemed so certain.
Something could go wrong. In particular if at any point in time I would start to believe I actually was this powerful masculine energy.

And even if it did work;
Having Lauren boxed up in a safe room couldn’t possibly be enough.
A Lauren the Lover who revives herself at 6 PM, and/ or in the rare hours I don’t work nor socialize?
It’s all great in theory – or not great but realistic and probably the best decision any woman can make regardless of her age – but it also felt completely destructive to even think of shoving her away like that.
She has already has been shoved to the side by her lover;
If I would do this I would be doing the same to “her” as what he has done, and leave her just like he had: By no longer making space for her. 

Maybe that’s the end of this story, pointing to the road I should be taking. The other way. To stop cultivating the bodyguard, the masculine side of me, even though I have successfully been pushing that for so very long now.
And even longer if I count the first iterations of that, 8, 10 years ago.

Maybe it should be the other way around.
Instead of saving Lauren the Lover in a climate controlled room, where she can rejuvenate her female energy after 6 PM and cherish her soft feminine ways;
That instead, I should have an emergency outfit for moments that absolutely need to be met in my masculine energy.
That Lauren the Lover is my default, and regardless if I ever get a new lover.

It feels vulnerable and risky, but all things considering, I think Lauren should lead.

I honestly feel calmer and more grounded than I have all day. And that’s my answer then, right there.

It’s a yes.
Duh.

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

Subscribe to this blog for these letters to Sara, the series Harteveld 2026* and the Behind the Scenes of my year 1991 diary.
The subscription button is on this page, most likely on the top right.

Books 

My diaries are available at LULU 
New books will be added.

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready,
is to subscribe to this blog.
Button on this page, probably on the top right.

Or follow my Facebook page
/ Twitter: @LSHarteveld

Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/

Two Ryans and one Tyler | In the Stars (where I talk about men)

Published on by LS Harteveld
This year, I had my first online astrology reading.
This new series “In the Stars” (where I talk about men) will be written based on the notes I took, and the memories that rose to the surface.

 

Episode 3
Two Ryans and one Tyler

Topic: Scorpio Men 

Management summary: 
There isn’t a profile of them that doesn’t contain the word Intense.
—

Scorpio, is the most intense sign;
Scorpio Sun sign;
Scorpio Rising, also called “ascendent”;
And Scorpio Moon.
All of these are what I would consider to be Scorpio men, and you can also have other planets in the sign of Scorpio + any planets in your 8th house also amp up your Scorpionic qualities.

This means that I think that assuming the planets are divided equally over the signs, I still think there are more Scorpio men than other signs, and you know why?
Because it is said the creature is so strong that if you have one of these three astrological placements (Sun, ascendent, Moon) Scorpio will take over your whole chart.

So imagine you’ve spent your whole life thinking you’re one of the happy (Sun) signs. (And trust me, compared to Scorpio? They’re ALL happy signs.)
Only to have your natal chart drawn up (you’ll need your birthtime + location for this), and suddenly discover Scorpio lurking on the Eastern horizon (Scorpio ascendent) or that your Moon is in Scorpio.

Initially I didn’t recognize its significance, I admit.
And neither did the astrologers who helped me in the past, or at least not to the extend of sitting me down, looking me in the eye, and to slowly articulate as they told me:
“Do you understand, my child, that this Scorpio will rule your life?”
There wasn’t any of that.

I excavated Scorpio myself, from under the astrological rock of my natal chart.
But holy fuck, it explained e.vry.thing.

First off because I definitely have one of them happy signs, and some backup planets in the same house and same sign, just for good measure.
I’ve had charts drawn up with a literal “100%” number in it, indicating that sign, that planet and that house, were all I had to use to navigate my chart.
Because it was 100% dominant.

And yet! I found myself utterly UNMOVED by the things that were supposed to make me (my “100%” sun sign) happy. In fact I was unmoved by the entire concept of happiness itself.
To me, happiness as in positivity, a sense of wonder and curiosity?
It was a mask for the outside world.  Like a romcom or a comedy movie: It was fun, but it didn’t contain substance.
My Sun sign is an effective mask, excellent coping, and it will get you places.
Just not places I cared for.

The happiness of my sun sign seemed to come “100%” natural to me, and sure, I certainly noticed when it was no longer there when I entered my personal dark ages, but that’s a story for another day.
But even in the depth of my despair, it wasn’t happiness that I missed.
It wasn’t the lack of happiness that caused the despair.
It was something deeper. Something…. ancient.

Having Scorpio placements in your natal chart can be described as your default emotional state being one of dark murky waters where creatures live that have no name.
It’s intense.
A word that can probably be found in every YouTube video about Scorpios.

So when I ultimately noticed this Ancient One in my chart, and finally with full understanding of what I was looking at, my life and the treacherous pits I had been navigating made sense.
I started looking for other Scorpios.

By now I am aware of them and I know who the Scorpios in my life are.
And I can really meet them in my Scorpionic form, stinger and all.

However, in my love life it seems to be quite meager…
Definitely too few to profile on, but I can attest one Scorpio had indeed been able to hold some pretty dark and intense shit for me. And I’m making a mental note now that this needs to be a non-negotiable. Emotional depth (secrets, kinks, and the odd existential crisis) need to be the bread and butter of a new affair.
A lover needs to welcome my darkness, as if it is my biggest gift.
(because it is)

Yet with Scorpio men currently absent from my personal life, I turned to celebrities to mirror my inner Scorpio. And I found two, possibly three.

First, the two Ryans, both Canadian actors;
-Ryan Reynolds
writer and actor from the iconic and very Scorpionic movie franchise “Deadpool”
-Ryan Gosling
Ken in the movie Barbie, but Scorpions will know him better from Drive and Bladerunner 2049. I also loved him in The Fall Guy and look forward to seeing him Project Hail Mary (currently in theatres).
I managed to miss Ryan Gosling in the turn of the century movie The Notebook probably because it was not Scorpionic. But by now he is definitely making the whole world thirsty for Scorpios.

Both actors have their Sun in Scorpio.
So apparently, regularly being pulled into the depths of your own emotions and other Scorpionic burdens, is not a social death verdict but can be weaponized into being the most charming guy in the room.
Or at least lethally attractive to other female Scorpios.

And the other Scorpio I found is not an actor but a character who carries its traits: Tyler Durden from the movie Fight Club, played by Brad Pitt.
The enigmatic rebel leader who liberates you by stripping away your possessions, looks, and sense of self.
He is your man if you’re looking for an ego death, or even if you’re not looking at all, but he thinks you need one anyway.

You have to realize that one day you will die.
Until you know that, you are useless.

I typed that without looking up the lyrics. It’s all right here, in my head, Tyler’s speech with the pulsating music from the Dust Brothers.

You have to give up.

With Scorpio men, I don’t just give up.
I give in.

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

Subscribe to this blog for these In the Stars (where I talk about men) posts, my letters to Sara, the series Harteveld 2026* and the Behind the Scenes of my year 1991 diary.
The subscription button is on this page, most likely on the top right.

Books 

My diaries are available at LULU 
New books will be added.

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready,
is to subscribe to this blog.
Button on this page, probably on the top right.

Or follow my Facebook page
/ Twitter: @LSHarteveld

Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/

Whatever | year 1991 behind the scenes

Published on by LS Harteveld

From all the things I could have done to use my traintrip as a timeportal to bring me back to the 1991 timeline;
Reading an essay about Millennials versus Boomers and why they envy and hate each other was arguably one of the worst.

Millennials had not been invented yet, and my generation did not care about Boomers.
Generation X did not pay attention to anyone outside our age bracket.
We were 100% peer-focused.

1991-me would not have picked up reading this essay.
Not even it was the last snippet left to read after the entire human civilization had been wiped out by nuclear war.

We had learned not to care, because that had been the only way to survive.

However, in 1991 this “cold war” was over.
Quotation marks because these years were shaping the geopolitical climate we are now experiencing.
But on the surface, everything seemed happy and bright.
And with our internalized nihilism not having anywhere to project on or to cling to.

Or at least it didn’t, until 1991 and grunge was invented.
And like the four horsemen, the horses of Grunge pulled a chariot carrying the surviving Gods of Rock ( a genre that had been struggling a bit under the threat of so much positivity ) as well as rap music, which would end up thriving in the 90s.

It was this chariot, that carried what we now think of as the Generation X identity.

And it’s only the few who latched on to that speeding dark chariot, with Nirvana or rap music on the speakers, who we now think of, in the very rare case we talk about Gen X.

If at the end of the decade, you were still on that chariot, and had not jumped off blending in with the Boomers and Millennials?
That’s the people we think of, if we think of Generation X

If I want my project to relive the 90s timeline to thrive;
Lauren needs to be on that chariot.


~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

The story behind this time travel project has been added below, and adjusted to the format it will have in 2026..

Subscribe to this blog for my letters to Sara;
The series Harteveld 2026*
And these Behind the Scenes of my 1991 timeline.
The subscription button is on this page, most likely on the top right.

About: the 1991 project

For an indefinite time, I will be moving to the, I assume fictional, timeline of (re-)living 35 years ago.
Making the current year 1991, and I’m switching to a new shorter format:
The number of characters will be my fictional age on this timeline x 100.
This means until summer 1991 (2026), they will be 1800 characters, representing 18 years old.
And after that 1900 characters.

This project has a predecessor, where I wrote as if I was in 1994 – 2000;
But this was mostly a literary (diary) undertaking.
I’m cutting back deeper into time, and do not intend to keep a diary. It is the living in the past itself, that is the art.

In September 2025 I came up with these goals, covering the first 8 years.

My 8 year goals are:
📵 to live a 20th Century life
🎸 to be a 20th century-inspired Rock journalist.
But on the current timeline.
So this means I make money creating content and speaking about rock music and 20th century things 
📚 publish Lauren Harteveld work 2010-2025
📢 to make the Lauren Harteveld legacy visible

Books 

My diaries are available at LULU 
New books will be added.

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready,
is to subscribe to this blog.
Button on this page, probably on the top right.

Or follow my Facebook page
/ Twitter: @LSHarteveld

Categories BTS

Who’s (not) afraid of Leos? | In the Stars (where I talk about men)

Published on by LS Harteveld
This year, I had my first online astrology reading.
This new series “In the Stars” (where I talk about men) will be written based on the notes I took, and the memories that rose to the surface.

 

Episode 2
Who’s (not) afraid of Leos?

Topic: Leo Men and Aquarius (The Waterbearer)

Management summary: 
Leos are harmless, but there’s only one entirely unbothered by them.

At least 4 out of 5 of us, were Leo.
Probably even all 5 team members, I can’t remember.
But I do remember the fifth member of our team being totally unbothered by our discovery that we were with so many Leos.
So either he was one of us, or he had that sign that did not bother himself with astrology, nor with the astrological profile of our team. To him the outcome of our impromptu profiling session was irrelevant.
We, were irrelevant.

However, this did not lower our happy vibes about this amazing discovery.
Here we were, after weeks of having had a tremendously good time working together, and now we discovered that four of us had signs that were known for being Large!
This was Main character energy, times four, and yet we were not competitive in any way.

We had already instinctively been behaving like a pack of lions, without knowing each other’s signs.
And now that we knew them it only attributed to the fun.
Jokingly making scratch gestures to one another, accompanied with a growl, became pretty much a standard.
Our big feline egos were seamlessly fitting together in the office space.

After this experience I have always known that between me (a Leo Sun) and Leo men, things would just flow naturally.
And they always did.

There is a natural affinity underpinning our bond. A realization that we belong to the same species, and that there is a respect within the connection that does not have to be bargained for, and it doesn’t even have to be named.
It just is.

Having said that, there is also something that is not there, in this majestic bond, and that is an immediate reason to hang out.
Just like lions who sleep most of the day, chilling together on the Serengeti not doing much of anything, my apex predator bond with other Leos is marked by a sense of:
“Okay, now what?”
Whether they were friendships, or whether they were with men or with women; More often than not, it just withered away.
Without any friction, without any fights or misunderstanding.
There simply isn’t any urgency surrounding our connection, which comes with the consequence that ultimately there was too little growth.

And even when I did push for this growth, because I believed our relationship would have so much potential if we brought out our deeper layers;
They always refused.
By staying away after intense dates or creating more distance, as if they kept one paw in just in case I was changing my mind about the depth-thing.

What has made me weary of Leo men, is that I feel they don’t welcome my depth, and also (and even more frustrating to me) that they keep me out when they get knocked around by life and I am no longer welcome.
Just when there’s the opportunity to join forces, come up with a battleplan, and  ride out together to win this, they snatch the friendship out of my claws.

They don’t trust me with their dark stuff which basically means they just don’t trust me.
Which is cool, but I did lower my expectations.

Meanwhile on the other side of the zodiac we find a sign who also does not share any of their emotions, but here I always feel it’s because they have all that handled.
The intellectual Aquarius, the waterbearer.
My knowledge about Aquarius Men stems mostly from both Axl Rose from Guns N Roses as well as the actor Rutger Hauer, having been my idols for long periods on end, reading all their interviews at the time.
And they’re both Aquarius.

And I’m also “in contact with” an Aquarius man, and have been for 10, 15 years, who is probably even more difficult to stay in touch with than Axl Rose would be.
Entirely elusive. 

I’ve always had an interest in him, and after he shared more about himself on one occasion I was immediately hooked.
They say heroine is addictive right from the first shot;
This man had me hooked from just the idea of his needle.

This only Aquarius I was ever close enough with to have something that could count as the beginnings of a bond, was genuinely intoxicating.

And knowing I will dramatically fail at estimating where the magic was, I’m gonna try anyway. Because this may have been it for me and Aquarius.
I don’t hold a lot of hope there is more in the stars for me.

What I got so far, based on these two idols as well as this not-so-close encounter with the Aquarius man, is that an Aquarius is cool and distant.
But his sharp intellect, broadmindedness and a calm trust in his own capabilities, make you want to know him. And be with him.
You want to be the rare unicorn who is allowed into his bed as well as in on his master plan for a better world.

But perhaps because he is so altruistic at heart, there are no clear signs of longing or desire for you or for anyone else for that matter. He is perfectly comfortable in the camper he built himself, he does not need any luxury.
Acclaim or praise slides off him, just like criticism.
His mental space is reserved for the big picture things only, and he is entirely unbothered by normal everyday events. 

Even if that’s sharing your officespace with four lions.

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

Subscribe to this blog for these In the Stars (where I talk about men) posts, my letters to Sara, the series Harteveld 2026* and the Behind the Scenes of my year 1991 diary.
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New books will be added.

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A Life of Agency

Published on by LS Harteveld
Last month, I had a call with my creativity coach Sara
The email sent before our call was:
Angel Love
This new series “The Day After” is written in its aftermath.

 

A Life of Agency

The biggest takeaway from our call was a sad one;
I will never belong in society ever again.
This conclusion is contradictory to an earlier conclusion that I never belonged to begin with, so I don’t know why this keeps coming up.
How can I mourn something, or hope for something, that I already established as not having existed?

In hindsight, the natural belonging in the way I have moved and lived, pretty much effortlessly, my whole life, were merely situationships.
The result of proximity which was provided through the structures of education, work, or family structures.
None of it was real.

And I must never forget that all my current, very much hailed and beloved relationships, are at heart not real either.
There is something in the system, that will never allow them to be.
Every day we have in friendship, in love or in harmony or genuine connection is created with our own bare hands, and therefor ultimately unsustainable.

The system will always win.

A few years ago, I consciously detached from my friends and family. A move that was not dramatic and has only made all of my relationships better, for sure.

I knew “detaching” was not the right word at the time.
Because I was merely making my peace with something that already was. Or wasn’t.

But I didn’t know what I was fighting. Not what was really at play. I knew they were not bad people undeserving of my love or anything.
But I did know that the best thing I could do for all of us, was to emotionally remove myself from all relationships.
And I did.

The call with Sara was where I discovered the no-longer-taking-this-personal reason they are not real. Or at least not according to my standards.
My thoughts on this undermining system, underpinning our whole lives, are completely new!
I’m gonna give myself credit for making all those moves of assessment and detachment, basically in the dark.

As a sort of in-between side-thought, I can now also see why I (like most people?) am so disappointed in love;
Because I expected those relationships to be real.
They were not, and for the same soon-to-be-disclosed, not-taking-it-personal reason.

Isn’t that idiotic? Why on earth would we expect to have fulfilling deeply satisfying love relationships if our other relationships are effectively devoid of deep, immutable meaning?
How would we even be able to attend to such a rare natural phenomenon as a true relationship, if we fake all the other ones?
Or put in a friendlier way:

If society does not allow for our relationships to be real, and demands us roleplaying, then why would our love relationship be an exception?

The system I am talking about, and which prohibits us from real connection, is of course capitalism, which is the concept that only part of the work needed for a healthy society is rewarded with money, yet money is necessary to live for everybody including those who would choose to, or are forced to, do the unpaid or underpaid labor.

And supplementing capitalism, patriarchy is the system that decides who gets in on the part of capitalism where money and power are distributed;
And who gets surveilled, judged on their looks, has to meet certain moral standards (when, as we know, if you have enough money you can get away with anything) (or your prosecution will have a runtime of a few decades) and gets to be exploited.
Patriarchy decides for the “lucky” ones, who has the honor of working twice the amount of hours for the same managerial salary.

It is because of patriarchy and capitalism that relationships are never real.
Because those “situation ships”, where relationships begin?
They are capitalist structures.

And even if both of you, or your group, business or organization, put in all the hard labor of dismantaling and neutralizing these questionable origins, and you recreate it into something equal, a bond based on genuine human connection that creates real intimacy?
It will not hold.
It can’t, it’s just not sustainable.
Capitalism will forever be there nipping at your heels, stealing your resources, pressuring you out of time, placing toxic thoughts in your head about who belongs and who does not.
It will never cease to bark at you for putting your eggs in such a fragile nest of genuine love and belonging.

One day, either one of you two, or someone in your group will have been bitten by the rabbit dog of capitalism, and will return thirsty and aggressive.
No longer contributing anything.
No longer recognizing what is of beauty.
And that person will kill off everything you worked so hard for, and leave you or the whole group, disillusioned in love and financially and emotionally drained.

The reason I say I will never belong is absolutely not because people are inherently bad, and not because they are sometimes bad either.
The majority of us are doing the best we can.

But what I have experienced is that the moment a friendship or a bond starts costing more than what is anticipated, or stops delivering perks such as being that interesting friend they like to show off;
It breaks.

And this is not a personal flaw but it is because the system of patriarchy and capitalism simply demands that you keep stock of how this bond is going to help you.
And if it’s not going to help you on the monetary or status side of capitalism;
Then to keep in check its costs, give it the absolute bare minimum, and extract as much free (emotional) labor from that person as you can.

This is probably the darkest blog I have written in my entire life.
Yet I want to remind you I did write this, above!

“A move that was not dramatic and
has only made all of my relationships better, for sure.”

This piece is written by someone (me) whose relationship have actually gotten better, unpacking all this! 
And without having the full picture, because when I made that move I did not know I was actually writing code to defuse capitalism in the personal sphere.
This groundwork was (unknowingly) already done.
And I will tell you in a sec how you too, can use it.

But February gave me the final key;
The key to really break free.

So first the softer, more gentle move I made a few years ago, and that is applicable for anyone wanting to “decapitalize” their friendships.
Ironically? It is/ was, asking for more (not less).
Deject the scraps of low effort texting or keeping options open until the last minute.

Now all my friendships consist of 1-on-1 high-value dates. Usually in-person, but I also love phone calls. Planned, intentional phone calls that can last for hours. Dates can be timeboxed as well, so with an end-time, and this too makes for an even better dating experience.

This structured dating formula for friendships, makes what both of you will be investing clear upfront, and any financial issues can be brought up as well.
A date should not cause financial stress for either one, but how the financial  aspect is handled should ideally be discussed beforehand.
I live in the Netherlands so “going Dutch” (splitting the bill) is really the norm here, so that one is definitely easier here.

I have fewer friendship dates now, but when we do, they’re so good!
We spend time together longer, usually three, four hours, and I typically see a friend every three to six months or so. 
And then I have two really good friends with whom I connect in depth, pretty much every week.

My friendships have never been better, I can attest to that.
So despite this post being so dark, and its conclusions so nihilistic, I do hope  the positive results of my friendships having come out better, does give you hope that life does not have to be devoid of love and meaning, if you would adopt my world view.

But what it does do, and I think that is what might scare you, is that it isolates you.
I can now, really since February, see the full consequence of my worldview.

I will never, ever, ask for help in an intangible, non-specified or non-timeboxed way. But I will also never accept the responsibility of doing someone else’s emotional labor or rescue someone.
Each carries their own burdens.
I will always live alone, and I will work until the end of my days.
Going as far, or as nearby, as my own two feet will carry me.

I will treasure, and attend to, all my personal and private relationships.
With great love and tremendous care.

But I will never, ever again, forget the monster nipping at our heels;
Positioning itself between us, at the first opportunity;
And with the thirst to infect us, like zombies in a Netflix series.

Capitalism will turn us against one another, in the blink of an eye. 

.
~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

Subscribe to this blog for these The Day After posts, my letters to Sara, the series Harteveld 2026* and the Behind the Scenes of my year 1991 diary.
The subscription button is on this page, most likely on the top right.

Books 

My diaries are available at LULU 
New books will be added.

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready,
is to subscribe to this blog.
Button on this page, probably on the top right.

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/ Twitter: @LSHarteveld

Nederlands blog:
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Not enough water | In the Stars (where I talk about men)

Published on by LS Harteveld
This year, I had my first online astrology reading.
This new series “In the Stars” (where I talk about men) will be written based on the notes I took.

 

Episode 1
Not enough water

Topic: Men with water signs (Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces)

Management summary: 
Do not enter the water without a life vest and bring extra oxygen 

The 12 signs of the Zodiac are divided into four elements:
Earth and water.
Fire and air.
And in those two combinations.
The signs match well with other signs under the same element;
As well as with their counterpart.

Earth signs match with water signs.
Fire signs match with air signs.

Modern astrology uses your rising sign as the most important one (for which you need your time of birth), then your moon sign, and only third the sun sign.
But I’ve lived my life without knowing that, and taking everything flat out as Sun signs, the compatibility of signs this way still played out.

So even if you don’t know any rising- or moon signs, and go with your 20th century version of astrology, like I did, the rule of thumb that air goes well with fire and water goes well with earth, can still be useful.

However, if you do know your own birth chart, you can unearth new dimensions, or blindspots or black holes even, if you find one element is entirely missing from where the planets are.
There are also “points in the sky”, for example your Rising Sign, but they are harder to work with, and will not be felt with such tangible urgency.
So not counting rising sign and other points in the sky this is whether or not the 10 planets cover those four different elements, or if one or more elements are missing.

If you have your time of birth, your natal chart can be drawn, giving you the sign of each planet.
And therefor which elements you have in your chart.

If one element is entirely missing, this can form an incredible pull and visceral desire to get to know the people who do have that element in their chart.
Or they’re so foreign you have no idea where to start, but either way the dynamic will be very interesting.
And in my opinion, may be far more interesting to explore than matching up with the signs in the element that complement your sun sign.

My planets do not have any water. Neither one is in Cancer, Scorpio or Pisces. I would not recognize water if it hit me in the head, and if it did hit I would not know what to do with it… 

It’s kind of the opposite to those memes where the fish are asked about the water and they don’t know what water is (because they’re in it).
Because in my case, it’s like asking a rattlesnake in the Mojave desert about its experience with water;
It has no idea what you’re talking about. 
And also makes a horrible meme.

But what if suddenly, in the middle of the desert an oasis arises and suddenly the snake finds itself in the clear cool waters of a beautiful lagoon?
Oh my God, that snake is never going to want to go back!!

And slowly but steadily, my memories of a Cancer and a Pisces lover resurfaced. 
And the dams broke open….
These had been the men who had given me the lagoon, and really quick and in a generous way. They provided what no girl will ever ask, because we all know how rare this is.
A whole lagoon, where lagoon stands for an emotional safe space where you float in perfect sexual harmony with your mermaid man lover.

At least until the moment he suddenly leaves, taking his mobile oasis with them and leaving you, just happily settled in after a lifetime in the merciless desert, out to die.

They were horrible, and they were incredible.
They were sensitive, until they were impossible.
They were cruel in the most elusive way, yet to this day I would not know what it was that made them more dangerous than a navy seal.

“They can drown you,” the astrologer said.

I type this and realize there was yet another… Another water sign.
Yet he did not fit the profile of the other two men at all.
He was protective. He was clear. He did not shower me with compliments nor with his emotions, and he knew how to deal with my deepest fears in an incredible respectful way.

He was a Scorpio.

Considering my options, this is definitely something to remember and take note off for me.
Yes, I will welcome a lover with a bit of water in his chart, but will definitely stay away from large bodies of water!

But a Scorpio-male with “Rattlesnake”-me?
That would make a great pair.

.
~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

Subscribe to this blog for these In the Stars (where I talk about men) posts, my letters to Sara, the series Harteveld 2026* and the Behind the Scenes of my year 1991 diary.
The subscription button is on this page, most likely on the top right.

Books 

My diaries are available at LULU 
New books will be added.

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready,
is to subscribe to this blog.
Button on this page, probably on the top right.

Or follow my Facebook page
/ Twitter: @LSHarteveld

Nederlands blog:
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Questions from the Dark Side | Harteveld 2026*

Published on by LS Harteveld

A Dark Chosen One.
Scorpio Rising.
A Dark Queen.
Three titles from blogposts out of the top of my head, from the past few years.
And the last title is as recent as early January, so my need to write about this is accelerating. Which is unsettling for multiple reasons.

Writing is one of the few ways I can address this.
What it’s like if what you are on the outside does not have anything to do with who you are inside.

But every time I write about this issue it seems to solve little. If anything, it highlights the contrast, making it more disturbing and the dissonance more prominent.

Every time I put it into words, I feel more disheartened.
And yet also closer to solving the riddle of how I came into being.
Why this dark woman exists and why she is so deeply alone.

It is because I did not come into this dark power by myself.
She was awakened by my last lover, years ago.
Now that I am no longer his mistress, I am responsible for this awakened dark, sexual queen!

But it’s not just the fact that he is no longer in my life;
It’s my day-to-day life itself, that has not changed in her favor.
I have less space for her than in the years when she was still welcomed by the both of us.

So the way I see it today, is that this new blogpost, the fourth time I write about “her”, comes with an understanding that of course she’s causing problems.
She wasn’t there in the past, not like this!
There are many parts of her which I recognize, of course I do. She didn’t come out of nowhere.

But this blogpost is my acknowledgement that she was born, with him.
She chose our affair, and that forbidden bed, to come into being.
She was born into our affair, like Pallas Athena fully grown from the head of Zeus.

I have done more astrological research, and I can see where she is in my chart.
But there’s also a public persona there, that can function without needing my breath.
The “fake me” is me as well! Which is beautiful.

Yet this dark side that is completely private, and no one sees her, not even when I say she’s here.
But I have shed enough tears over not being seen, and cried enough over him leaving.

And a throne is waiting.
Our, throne.
.
.~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

Harteveld 2026*
Are 2200 characters, or less.
The series started in 2025, inspired by the book Fretz 2025 by Johan Fretz and asterisk from the movie Thunderbolts*

Subscribe to this blog for my letters to Sara, the series Harteveld 2026* and the Behind the Scenes of my year 1991 project.
The subscription button is on this page, most likely on the top right.

Books 

My diaries are available at LULU 
New books will be added.

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready,
is to subscribe to this blog.
Button on this page, probably on the top right.

Or follow my Facebook page
/ Twitter: @LSHarteveld

Angel Love

Published on by LS Harteveld
This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara
Before our call I always give her a headsup.
.
Dear Sara,
.

In retrospect, it was probably to-be-expected, after my previous message to you.
That, of course, I would go on digging in the past, for men who reached my heart or more, after I had set up my new “system” to “handle” with men who were interested in me.
Neither system nor handle are exactly the right word, but it will have to do.

Either way access to me seems to be under control and I no longer need to be involved.
There is plenty of time to look back and reminisce.

Which could explain why someone I had not thought about – not like this! – came up again. He’s also the unnamed love interest from the final paragraphs of my previous message to you.
I didn’t remember until I just reread. Apparently he was already heavily on my mind, last time we talked.

The irony is that I have had many attempts to deliberately think about him, but I never succeeded.
I tried because I thought it would relieve the burden of feeling so much for my last lover. That I could transfer it to a borderline fictional crush from the past. Only to find out it didn’t quite work that way.
Then why now?

I’m grateful and it feels just as great as I imagined it would;
But why now?
Why was I able to recreate my affection towards him, in an entirely natural way, without any effort?

And then I found the answer!
Because the man I fell in love with last year, carries the exact same energy.

Now before I dive into this, a concept I will call Angel Love, describing the ethereal yet powerful presence both him and this new man have or had, I want to preface it by comparing it to another powerful, yet entirely different energy, which is from that past lover, Mr.Big.
The stark contrast between Angel Love and Mr.Big’s love, will bring my point across more vividly.

So first Mr.Big;
Why was I so extremely crazy about him, and why did I feel so safe and nurtured even though I was only his mistress? Nothing more was offered.
The answer lies in the inviting atmosphere Mr.Big created; 
Warm, nurturing, and completely low key.
He was completely at ease, and he kept his space clean, warm in winter and he wasn’t one of those grown ups who doesn’t have any sweets or candy around.
Although I have only had good lovers and wonderful men in my bed, he was beyond a shadow of a doubt the best lover I ever had.
I could turn my whole box of kinks upside down, and he’d still know what I was hiding.
It was magnificent.

So! 
Then why on earth do I find myself romanticizing someone – two men actually, if I include the one I met last year – Why do I romanticize them when what I had with them counts as “almost nothing” to “absolutely nothing”?
Nothing but “a moment”, where we both felt it.
But moments don’t count. Not compared to living out your whole box of kinks.

Is this some Victorian romantic idea of favoring men I have done “nothing” with, over the one I was well on my way of doing “everything” with?
But fortunately, I cracked the code, and that wasn’t it.
It had nothing to do with morals of any kind.

You see, here’s the thing;
With Mr.Big, the foundation of what he offered was very much in the 3D. The material world. His wealth and demanding nature had earned him the seclusion of a luxurious condo, all to himself.
Now he was the one who got that somehow accepted in his marriage, which is quite the feat, but there was no denying that I felt so safe and taken care of, because he was first and foremost taking really good care of himself.

Mr.Big was also a man I could trust with the vulnerability of my naked body, and of being there alone in his apartment. It’s not like anyone with real estate can get into my pants, far from.
But the truth of the matter is still, that Mr.Big’s appeal, and the appeal of what he offered me, was largely a financial matter.
Privacy is as expensive as it is hot.

So if that is our baseline here;
Then what is Angel Love?
And why does it explain why I’m suddenly thinking about that man from the past?

Angel Love is the name I have given to the silence surrounding both of these men. The peace, the calm, the zone of non-interference they carry around themselves.
It’s an aura where nothing is said, because there is nothing to say. Everything they want you to know, vibrates in their field.
Which is, why are we not surprised, extremely little.

These men keep their energy fields clean, and you get the feeling they’re very intentional about it. And aware most people are too preoccupied with themselves to even notice.
That it’s a matter of principle.

They go out the door with clean, unreadable auras.

What follows is that they are no longer reliant on anything else. Not on the clothes they wear, not on the environment they’re in, not on the people who interact with them, not on owning a penthouse and being the only one with the frontdoor key, and not even on fulfilling sexual desires.
They’re energetically sovereign, nothing can touch them. Which naturally invokes the response in us, the normal people, to desperately want to touch them.

We want to pierce through that magnetic field that is their aura and see what happens. Will our hand slip into another universe?
We want to touch their skin; Is it warm like ours? Or cool, or even slightly cold as if they’re not from here? But from heaven.

It is their ethereal nature that makes them so alluring.
Not just to be with them, and to make sweet angel love, but you want to be them.
You want to be saved from this messy entanglement of being human, and float through it, just like them.

Untouchable.

.
~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

Subscribe to this blog for these letters to Sara, the series Harteveld 2026* and the Behind the Scenes of my year 1991 diary.
The subscription button is on this page, most likely on the top right.

Books 

My diaries are available at LULU 
New books will be added.

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready,
is to subscribe to this blog.
Button on this page, probably on the top right.

Or follow my Facebook page
/ Twitter: @LSHarteveld

Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/