LS Harteveld

Where I live creatively ever after

“My name is Alice.
And I remember everything.”

Resident Evil

The first 10, 15 years I wrote, I did not use the name Lauren. Instead I used two initials, L and S.
I chose LS not just because I liked the anonymity, but also because the letters are an abbreviation of Lectori Solutum, a Latin salute to the reader.

In those years the most original explanation someone guessed, was if my real name was perhaps Alice?
But it is a greeting to the reader.

And this LS too, remembers everything. Not like Evil Dead Alice’s biological upgrade from merging with a T-virus that turns other people into zombies;
But a spiritual death, an identity death.
And the big change is not even that I started signing my work as Lauren, and no longer use the letters LSH;
But that it was the Lauren part of me, that survived the transformation.
Not real me.

The alter-ego of LS Harteveld, originally created so I could start writing away from my public self, turned out to be way more flexible than the version of me that lived my real life. Who encountered opposition whenever she changed, explored or did something different, boundaries the digital world did not have.

Here, I could change as often as I wanted. But it could also endure and survive changes I never wanted and would never have sought out for myself.
But that do come with perks, just like Alice’s transformation after being biologically modified.

It makes sense that the identity you literally write yourself is a better fit than the one that was formed accidentally and is consistently kept into place by the image other people have of you.
But it was more specific than the first limited identity being tied to my physical existence, and being kept in place by real life events, people and structures.

These specifics were:
The new identity, LS Harteveld, allowed for infinite complexity and unlimited change.
And I have consistently been using it, always multiplying complexity, which I have done with diary projects that were never normal diaries.
They were reimagined realities, or the same story retold from the perspective of another timeline.

More often than not, even I don’t have a clue what I’m doing.

When I started dating again, I thought my whole point was that I wanted different things. To meet new people, and just in general for the markers of my life, the actual facts, to be different.
I also assumed it would probably end up being a fluke, and that I was going to regret this whole move a few years down the single-road, but nevertheless I just went for it.
Beforehand cutting my imagined losses.

However, the reason it became such a resounding success and I never regretted my decision in any way, was because my new life allowed for a whole different level of being.
When there is no relationship status, and there are no relationship goals, connection becomes something like emotions, feelings, and sexual experiences, all “straight up”, without any container of social expectations.
I could frame them, reimagine them, and write about them in any way I wanted.

It went from writing a Dutch novella Mango, and 22 erotic stories in Dutch;
To my first English diary Dutch American Diary, which stayed very close to my real timeline and the actual people that were in my life;
To Big, a two year diary about a secret affair but shrouded in mystery;
To The Mistress Speaks, now channeling an archetype of “the mistress” 
To my first timeline project;
A Letter from a Stranger and Dear Nikki, covering an imaginary 1994 – 1996
This is the book I’ve been meaning to publish since 2023 but keep dropping out of, unfortunately.

Technically, I am now on my second timeline project, rebooting the 90s timeline, living in 1991.
However it does not require writing, because there is no sex yet on that timeline. 
It’s a bit of a complicated story, and I won’t get into it here. But trust that if I have found a partner who would make a good sexual partner to Lauren 1991, I will keep my diary handy.

So in the end, it was never the committed relationship that suffocated me, nor was it ever the writing or being single that saved me.
It was about the freedom to explore and (re-)shape reality.
To own, my reality.

At the moment when I was no longer expecting it, life turned cruel. In many ways you could say all that isolation and purposelessness, the desolate position you have in society when you are not part of two or three of its nexus structures, came back to haunt me.
There was not much to do, but to keep on living, to keep thinking, keep writing and keep reframing my experience. 
Put words to it.

And now that “it” is all over, an era of isolation and dismantling that would have had me running straight back to my former life had it happened in the first years after becoming single – I am no longer the person I used to be.

I have found a way to live my life though, and under my former identity which from a psychological standpoint, no longer exists.
And in many ways that life has become easier, because I’m no longer emotionally invested.

I don’t know if you’re familiar with astrology, but I would say I now have an altruistic Aquarius-like cool to what I do. 
I feel more of use than I ever have, and there is satisfaction in being of service, but life is no longer something I find myself attached to.
More something I want to make the most of, in a do-what-I-am-here to do kind of way.

Which made it all the more remarkable that my work here, under this alter ego, has not changed at all.
I mean sure, there are no sex stories at the moment.
But that’s because of a changing online landscape, and also simply because Lauren 1991, which is my main project, does not have sex. 

Which is in many ways the point of that whole 1991 timeline project;
What would happen if a 1991 version of me had waited until she had found someone with whom she could really be herself sexually, and still feel safe enough, considering there was an aids crisis?
(explaining the thing here I said earlier I would not explain 😉 )

So the intense period that resulted in an identity change, now has me living a life as an astrological sign I don’t have any planets in, in my natal chart;
Doing work I would never have been able to do in my previous form;
Being only very loosely tied to society, and understanding why that is.

And that same intense period also resulted in me not having to change anything, for my writing as Lauren Harteveld.
The layers I once used to enrich my erotic stories, are now expressed in letters to Sara, in 2200 character columns, or in these The Day After longreads.
The realities I altered for literary purposes, I now live, imagining new worlds as I move through the day.

People call me by my old name, even though I’ve told my inner-circle that is technically only my public name. 
And what started as an alter ego, all those years ago, turned out to be the only part of me that survived.

And I remember everything.

.
~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

Love, Sex and Content Creation | Part 2: Literally Me

“But what if Ryan Gosling IS Source?”
coach Sara Saltee, on our call

It was almost the first thing that came up, after I had apologized for eating a pizza on our call, which was definitely the biggest breach of courtesy ever since I had the call in bikini in 2019 because it was just too freakin’ hot..
Of course, Sara did not mind the pizza anymore than she had minded seeing my midrif, but when I invited her to just fill the first 15 minutes with whatever she wanted to talk about, she said:
“Well, what were you hoping to discuss today?”
As if she understood I wanted something specific, because she knew the general gist of it since she had received my letter Super motivation loading beforehand.
About me being so incredibly inspired because I had spotted an incredibly hot man.

“Well, I’m worried that I may reincarnate because of all the men. I want this to be my last reincarnation.
But what if I don’t become one with Source, because I’m in love with Ryan Gosling?” 

At which she replied:
“But what if Ryan Gosling IS Source?”
Which, admittedly, is a tempting thought.
I remember in the 90s, how Brad Pitt playing Death also brought me great consolation. Somehow, it clicked.

Whether it was from having this discussion with her, or from eating my favorite pizza, after ten minutes I felt so much better.

And realized that I don’t really believe in purity or goodness paradigms. In fact I think they’re inherently suspicious, because the unspoken social rules and how society operates are full of them.
It will take generations, before we have dismantled the power structures of patriarchy, but what we can do today is discard the idea of wants, needs and desires being either good or bad.
To think I would have to reincarnate because I did such a carnal thing as lusting after a man, or such an immature thing as falling in love.

And there is such a thing called Bhakti Yoga;
Where your romantic love is your path to heaven, but I heard even that tends to be discredited in the afterlife, and you really have to stand your ground for your unconditional love and devotion to fully count.
I imagine this goes even more if you have never seen them in real life, but do know what jacket the Beloved wore in Drive;
Can make an in-promptu “ending explained” video to Bladerunner 2049;
And have the vocabulary to explain how well Ryan Gosling’s Dirty Dancing move worked in Crazy Stupid Love.

But even with a normal love interest, you really have to stand your ground, to make your Bhakti efforts count for something in the afterlife.

So maybe because of these stories about the Bhakti practitioners taking somewhat of a reincarnation risk with their choice of holy path, or because of patriarchy still poisoning my brain with what is good or bad for me to love;
I had started doubting myself.

Even when I’ve known since puberty that men, or boys as they were then, and sexuality, as a very private very wonderful thing between two people, were clearly the most important things in life.
I could appreciate the rest as well, there have been many relationships that were important to me, but the most exciting ones were without a doubt romantic love.

Until it was 2026, and I suddenly thought:
“Oh no! What if Ryan Gosling means I have to reincarnate!!”

One pizza and one call with Sara later, I no longer thought that.

But there’s another factor;
I think it’s just so important to do things in life that you cannot do in death.

Because after death there is a reasonable chance you can still do something that resembles meditation, or contemplation or being mindful.
And not a high chance you can have sex, or fall in love, or just be human and make a mess of things!
What a wonderful earthbound privilege!

Pretty good reason to prioritize the latter, and take the whole idea of being good or spiritual with a grain of salt.

And the final reason I stopped feeling guilty about being so inspired by men and by idols, and by falling in love and prioritizing pleasure, is because Sara reminded me of something I said years ago.
About the crushes, the sex, the pleasure, and the creativity, all wrapped into one.

I had told her:
“Sara, I want a life worth writing about.”

Because that, is a life worth living.

~Lauren
An unexamined life -> without R.G. <- is not worth living

Love, Sex and Content Creation

Past relationships.
New beaus.
Idols from my teenage years and later decades.

And from writing erotic diaries as Lauren Harteveld, to being visible under another name and spending 99% of my time there, sometimes forgetting Lauren the lover even exists.

I’m gonna need all for this story and will probably do an incredibly poor job being clear here.
So beware!

But even with the mess I’m about to create here, nothing can take away from the fact that it’s exhilarating to finally understand something that has been brewing for years.
The unsettling feeling that somewhere along the way, something changed and I missed it. And now I know what;
Online visibility, changes your relationships. 

Call it “Fame” instead of “Online visibility”, and it’s something we have known for a very long time.
Fame, changes your relationships.

And if it comes to online professionals, influencers or content creators with a large online following, it is quit easy to translate that wisdom to the current age.
But I’m not one of those obvious modern-day celebrities, so I never considered the whole thing of my online content important or even significant, in daily life.

Except I now realize that it has changed me, because it alters what I have left to give. But also, what I am prepared to give.

Much like a regularly famous person, I try to pretend it doesn’t matter. Except I now know that in many ways, it does matter.
A lot.

Because “we” have already given everything through our work.
That’s where we have showed you who we are, and created something for you.
But also, that’s where we took the lead in what’s invested here.

Which is why famous people will often date other famous people, although I know this is all such a tender topic.
But I really do think celebrity coupling is not just about them meeting each other at parties or even about trust.
(More about trust in the final paragraphs which are also about sex)
(Yes, you’re welcome to skip)

The reason celebrities seem to prefer each other’s company could partially be because the other celebrity has already delivered.
They know there are interviews they can read, movies they can watch, albums they can listen to.
Which is significant, even when they choose not to!

Just knowing somebody’s work is something you understand, something made for I would say “The Consumer Market”, and that their work is something you could engage with even when you are not going to because you want to keep the relationship pure;
There is still a difference, to dating someone who does not have that kind of work.
And this is by no means judgement of any kind.

It’s just easier to connect with someone whose work is out there, versus someone who works within a certain system, who works with classified information, or in a field you do not relate to.

The contribution in the form of art, and with that the contribution to the connection, has already been made.
And it started building years or decades before you knew them.

It is this contribution that has drawn me to celebrities forever.
Because that work? It was already enough.

There’s this idea that fans want to have a special relationship with their idol, but I think you could also say that fans realize the relationship is already complete.
That their personal interaction with the material is what makes it reciprocal;
Not more attention from the one who created it.

Going back to my realization I can see two things.

First, that I’m ready to acknowledge that if I would have a famous or visible partner, they’ve already put in the work.
I’ve always felt this instinctively, but now I can put words to it.

It is such a gift to be able to enjoy someone’s performance or art, or content.
It’s like what they say of reading someone’s book: You’re in their head.
Yes, they’re making this connection to everybody, and it is not personally made for you.
But that does not take away from it being a major contribution to the relationship the two of you will have.

And this does not mean this is the only contribution or connection, absolutely not! There is of course a big difference between a fan and idol/ creator relationship (which is just about the work), and having a personal relationship.
But what I’m saying is: It counts. Or it should count. And it should count as something big!

And the second realization is that this dynamic is what I have felt happening for myself, having been a writer for a really long time.
It was work I put in, that was influencing what was happening between us.

Now everyone I’ve been with enjoyed my writing and was supportive of it, so it’s not like we had to pretend it didn’t exist. 
But I’m ready for more.
I’m ready to acknowledge my own online work as a pretty solid contribution to a relationship. And I’m no longer going to buy into a narrative that the hours at my desk are somehow jeopardizing my personal and in particular my intimate relationships;
They are creating it.

Which brings me to the final topic, on sex, and how it ties into the aspect of fame and visibility as well;
I’m not too keen on having sex nowadays, it’s not private, not safe.

I’m not even talking about sexual abuse or a man betraying my trust and things ending up online because he shared them.
It’s a real risk, but it is not the immobilizing sexual risk I am talking about.

No, what I mean is that I think we are living in the worst era, and no longer have any privacy.
People filming you in public, unregulated Meta glasses, and bugged hotel rooms with cameras live streaming if you have sex there.
Sex, texts, or the conversations you have;
They can all end up online by third party intervention.
Not shared or leaked by your partner.

I’ve definitely been taking precautions, but they’re not water tight, and I should probably do better.
Either that, or I decide that I’m going to cancel sex or marginalize or minimalize it to something that is not interesting to share.
But I’ve thought about it, and I’ve thought about it a lot. Versus my potential partners, who are heterosexual men who have not grown up feeling like prey, their bodies scrutinized, and that appearing in public means you owe people being beautiful and your attention, simply because they can see you.
They don’t know about all that.

Heterosexual men, which is to say my potential partners, don’t know what it’s like if people film you without your consent and you have no idea what they’re going to do with it.
Or how much is already out there.

They can’t know;
Unless they’re famous.

Then they’d know exactly what my worry is.
And they would have it handled.

.
~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

There she f* is | Part 2: Death & Sexus

DESPERATELY SEEKING  SUSAN
Keep the faith. Tuesday 10 a.m. 
Battery Park. Gangway 1.
Love Jim

Once upon a time I was aware that all my interests stemmed from only two sources; Madonna or Men.
“Men” not as in 50% of world population, but as in love interests, writers and other idols.
And Madonna not as in the Virgin Mary, although admittedly her sacred nature will soon become relevant to this story, but Madonna as in the queen of pop who has inspired me for intense time periods after which, similarly to my relationship to men, the connection slowly fizzled out but never completely died.

Even when I think I’m over them, years later, the affection has a way to suddenly flare up.
Off to the races. But although my love for Madonna has recently been slowly on the rise, it’s nowhere near what it used to be, in the late 2010s.
Yet the call with Sara revealed Madonna had never really left.

Because in the call we discussed my new, expansive, borderline religious dedication to my own spiritual path. My deep desire to carve out a life, create a clarity, a rhythm, a space of devotion. To be the vessel, but also to maintain it.
And before we knew it, we were already knee-deep into discussing Broadway actors, who have to go home immediately after the show, protecting tomorrow’s performance by going to bed early.
I too go to bed early, so I can rise when others are still asleep. The early morning are my most important hours of the day.

We were discussing my fascination with the idea of tending to the space surrounding sexuality. The atmosphere. And how that has become its own standalone thing, that has become incredibly fulfilling.
I have a sexual practice, but its not something that has to do with physical pleasure but a mental one. It’s a devotion to beauty, and a refusal to open the door for low-effort or course anything.

I am obsessed with my own literal (night time) dreams, which are still not coming through as clearly as decades ago (before internet on our phones!)
But I can already ask for guidance before I fall asleep, and get actual answers.
I am making peace with being alone, and it’s thrilling.

I binge watch one channeler and a Tarot reader.
Hundreds, hundreds and hundreds of videos, month after month.
My cheeks are flushed in an insatiable hunger.
I wake up at 4 and am on my yoga mat at 5 without an alarm.
I am happy.

And yet, it is only the beginning.
Because when I spoke with Sara I also shared that my conscious effort was going to be in ancient Egyptian spirituality.

In retrospect I was also assuming this meant I had finally become a serious spiritual practitioner, instead of someone who was only here for the falling in love and obsessing over men part. 

I didn’t say it, nor was I looking for approval from Sara that I was finally legit in my spiritual practice, but I was happy that for once things seemed to be solid, congruent, and profound.
Perhaps a bit boring, and it would certainly never amount to anything worth writing about, but still solid, right?
Wrong. 

Soon we were chatting about how I had always had this fascination with erotic space, and sexual atmosphere. And with all the roles women could play, such as mistress, artist, writer, as long as those roles were a hundred thousand miles outside of the orbit of everyday life.
And had nothing to do with caregiving (unless it was to cats or other magical creatures) nor with doing patriarchy’s silent labor.
Roles where you were no longer an accessory to the systems you were born into, and not even a product of your own personal history.
Roles that had left their entire history behind, and were now rooted in freedom.

And for a reason I no longer recall, we started talking about Desperately Seeking Susan, the 1985 Madonna movie, and how Madonna’s Susan was a symbol of that freedom.
We all wanted to be her, sitting on that rail, her back facing the ocean so she could overlook the park, looking out for Jim.
She’s wearing pitchblack sunglasses, and lights a match at the sole of her shoe (those are wax matches, if I recall correctly) and then lights a cigarette taking a sip just as Jim approaches.

She kisses him deeply, immediately wrapping her arms and legs around him.

The past week or so she’s lived with a lover in a hotelroom. Someone who has been found dead but who, as she insists, was breathing when she left.
Technically she does not have a home, and yet she is at home everywhere, enjoying herself with men along the way.
She is free.

Also: She wears a jacket with a pyramid on the back.
Also: She has stolen a pair of earrings from her late lover. As we will find out soon, those are the earrings from Nefertiti.

And that was effectively the moment I could just flush any idea of me having sovereign spiritual ideas down the toilet, because obviously, I wasn’t.
Yes, I was free. Just like I had learned in 1985, from Madonna.
Yes, I no longer belonged to the world, but my early morning hours were Susan’s nomad lifestyle. A rhythm that made us unreachable.

Susan carried a round black suitcase, with white skulls printed onto it.
It was her mobile altar. She wore rhinestone boots that had been on display like a religious artifact. Because they were.
I got up from my desk and came back showing Sara my current vision board cards;
One card had Susan’s skull suitecase on it.
One her rhinestone boots.
I had actively bound myself to this movie, to this Madonna, months ago, and yet had managed to miss that I was recreating the lifestyle, including an obsession with ancient Egypt.

So in many ways, I am back to where I always was.
Everything real about me is either inspired by Madonna, or by men.
Even the parts you think are about ancient Egypt.

But I am finally, and by all standards, free..

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living