Category: love life

Life is a mystery
Everyone must stand alone
I hear you call my name
And it feels like home

~Madonna, Like a Prayer

If I ve learned anything, in my four years with my secret lover Mr.Big – and I learned all of these lessons the hard way, in the first six months – it is that things either ARE or they are not.
Something either IS there, or it is not.
You can put words to things, and even bicker over which word it should be that defines you – a relationship, an affair, a marriage; cheating, a mistake or true love – it doesn’t make any difference.
You can enhance things by writing about them, or make an experience more bearable by reframing your thoughts, but you cannot create things that do not in essence, and by essence I mean in the mind of the people involved, already exist.
Prior to Mr.Big, I had learned in eight years of dating, that if you feel uncomfortable with someone, nothing is going to change that.
You can make things as pleasant as possible, and create harmony.
But you can’t create a connection, where there is none.
But what the first half year with Mr.Big taught me, is that it is equally impossible to end something that does exist in the hearts and minds of the people involved.
In short; All you ever do is work with what is there.
Since I put a lot of work in all my relationships, I know that all I have to do to end it, is to withdraw my love, my presence.
It is not a passive aggressive thing, it is more that you stop watering the plants when the roots are no longer healthy.
You make a choice at an early stage that you’re not going to make things run smooth at surface level, when on a deeper level something died.
Or, in my case; shifted.
Because this is not a breakup post.
I m still in love with Mr.Big, just as much as I was on the first day I met him. My feelings for him are not a dying plant, far from that.
And I have not forgotten the lessons from the first half year, that it is pointless to try to “get” the correct relationship name, to justify how you feel.
It’s not a game of Pairs where you are looking for matching labels on your heart and your relationship.
And then throw all the cards from the table in frustration if the other refuses to give you the status you desire.
Either IT IS.
Or it isn’t.
If two people love each other, they’ll keep returning to each other. Regardless of their conflict of interest over how the thing should be called.
Neither one of the two will be able to cut ties, because it’s like cutting your own flesh.
You can’t whip someone into committing to you.
But neither can you end a relationship when the other doesn’t do what you want; not when the souls are connected and the roots are alive.
Just look at the six seasons of Sex and the City;
Unless you want to end up dating a series of boys who look good on the outside, but who will never move you the way Mr.Big does?
Don’t leave Mr.Big.
Don’t fool yourself.
Don’t waste time bickering.
It’s all so very simple;
Forget the labels and love what you love!
But having said that, something did shift within my relationship with Mr.Big. And I can’t go on, the way I have done for the past four years.
Going back to the start of our relationship; The reason that it was so full of turmoil the first half year, was because I thought he would leave his wife.
I knew he was in love with me, and I also knew he had plenty of reasons to leave her. They had semi-separated multiple times before I even knew him.
I assumed I was the reason he needed to finally leave her.
But he didn’t, and I started to realize many of the aspects in our relationship, suited me well. And I started identifying as a mistress;
Someone whose sexual identity is based on being monogamous herself, but having a partner who isn’t.
That definition of my sexuality was pretty broad, yet it started to feel constricting. Because I realized it wasn’t that I necessarily liked him having other partners:
I liked NOT HAVING A SAY!
He could have been monogamous, just as long as he made clear that what he did in his own time, was not a topic of conversation. And that he would only share, what he thought was beneficial to our relationship.
I didn’t want to be with a man who felt he needed to bend over backwards in order to be worthy of me. I wanted him to feel worthy, and capable of having a great time with me, without having to flaunt his monogamy as a reason to accept him, and in return probably put up with things much worse.
Like not taking care of me, or not taking responsibility for our time together.
By labeling myself as a mistress I made clear (first of all to myself) what I was getting out of the relationship: quality time with the man I loved.
But the jacket of being a Mistress became too tight.
Because I preferred the status quo, our peaceful 3,5 years, over the turmoil of the first six months – I ignored it.
I ignored that I was clinging onto a label, which I had invented myself, instead of staying in touch with what was alive underneath.
Parallel to me getting increasingly uncomfortable with the mistress label, was something else. Or rather: someone else.
I can feel a presence, who is not me, and it is not his wife.
And I am positive I pick up their energy when they’re together. That I suddenly get sick with worry. I ve had anxiety attacks in particular over the past six months, over other people finding out about him and me.
And people who sympathize with his wife blaming me for everything.
And then things between us would end, he’d quickly choose her and promise to better his life. And I would be left alone, unprotected from hatred and anger, for a situation that had been his responsibility. Not mine.
I would take the fall, and he would save his marriage.
This fear of being discovered came up multiple times, but the past few months I m starting to feel something else. Which makes me think it has been something else for way longer…
I feel he has another lover.
I have no idea how serious this is, but serious enough to make me sick to my stomach at what seems totally random times. Regardless of how in favor I think I am of him not sharing his life with me: it is making me sick.
I can’t go on, not like this.
Not when I m losing the game.
Not because I condemn his ways, I absolutely don’t. I think he’s the most gorgeous, wonderful man I know, and I ve never felt for anyone the way I feel for him.
But after four years of being a secret mistress, I no longer have the energy to fight for this. I m not going to waste my last energy, to restore the status quo of being a secret mistress.
Because apparently – and this is important – whatever forces were at stake that kept our relationship healthy, they have changed.
I would like to say the disruptive force could also come from me. I do recognize that as an option. My feelings for other men for example, can also be jeopardizing what Mr.Big and me have.
But right now I m working with the hypothesis it’s either something between us, or something on his side.
Whenever we’re together, he’s just as wonderful as he always has been. He never sees me, not “even” now, when his heart is not in it. I absolutely can’t blame this on him in the sense that he’s changed or something.
But I m responding to something or someone, I can’t see.
It’s like a food allergy: apparently there’s something in our relationship that gives me stomach ache and diarrhea.
And it can very well be something that has always been there; and that I can suddenly no longer digest. For example, not being chosen. Not having him at my side. Him not sharing his life with me.
Or the allergy can be to something new. And in that case the most likely explanation is that someone new has entered our triangle, whose presence I can sense.
And in both cases the mistress label is not serving me anymore. The label, our story, this blog and my writing, are ALL preventing me (and probably Mr.Big too!) to see what’s here.
We’ve lost connection to what we were, to how we started out.
I need to stop seeing myself as a mistress, put down my pen, and quit defining “us” but especially quit defining “me”.
And instead I need to sit still and simply observe what happens after I have ceased to tell the comforting stories that have held all the pieces together for such a long time.
The label mistress has served me well.
But I ve lost touch with that woman who after eight years of dating, finally fell in love with a great guy. Someone she didn’t have to “work” for, to make things happen.
Someone who understood her, and she him.
I need to know if that story is still there. And if not, what is the other story, that Life wants to share with me?
After twelve years I’m done telling stories and I m going live my life.
Instead of writing one myself.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

I quit writing

Like a Prayer is the forty-ninth and final chapter from Project M. 
It is also my final blog post for an indefinite period of time.

I ve been writing, pretty much non-stop, since 2006, the moment I became single. And although it has brought me many things – in particular the opportunity to have relationships that are way out of my league – it has now started to constrict me.
The cage I built to protect myself, has become a prison.
I need to start living, and start experiencing life, without the pen.
Or at least without diary writing/ blogging about my real life.

I m going to use this time to create my four new books.

One Dutch book with columns:
Blote Kont
Verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit

One English book with columns:
I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW

One English book about Mistresshood:
The Big Mistress

And one diary 2017-2018, called Reboot.
Which will also include the diary you just read, Project M.

I thank you very much for reading my work.
This blog will be resumed, whenever the mood strikes and I have something interesting to say, although my diary writing days are behind me.
Seeing each other will probably be on YouTube! where I ll be checking in multiple times each week.
So I hope you subscribe. 

The best places to follow me are:
This blog – subscribe button on this page, most likely on the right.
Facebook
and Twitter

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Secrecy inspires Lauren to write a post about the man she loves.
Her lover, Mr. Big. 

I can’t believe it’s only been 48 hours since my last post here.
It seems like a lifetime.
I’m going by Madonna songs, album by album. The final song of this album is called: I m a Man.
Since this entire week has been about me-me-me, I honestly had no idea how to go about that.
I solved this problem by naming the previous blog post after the album title, I m Breathless. Which is not really a song.
But today it’s Thursday, and I CANT TALK ABOUT MY SECRET THING!
Hopefully, I can this afternoon.
But I have an hour before I have to go to my an appointment AND I have to cover He’s a Man before this album is done. So I decided to take the opportunity to write about Tha Man.
Instead of about me-me-me.
And it’s not that far off, I do have a reason to write about him.
We spoke this week.
There was clearly something going on in his life, which was bothering him and which had prevented him from being in the mood to see his mistress, moi.
The freedom to basically put me on hold in situations like this, works out for me very well.
Because when we do meet, he’s all mine. I rarely have to compete with something intangible, occupying his mind.
When he’s there, he’s there.
I felt sorry for him, that he wasn’t his usual self.
Part of me wanted to write him a long letter about everything I liked about him so much. And that I would always like, regardless of anything he would ever decide or do.
A full report on how much I appreciated him, and everything about him that simply can only be loved. And that’s just me raving on about his “bad qualities”!
I mean it though. Those qualities are what I like about him most, and maybe especially because I can see the flip side: the unique good characteristics that almost no one has. Because they can only be found in people who have the “bad” qualities as well.
And if you can see that, you see the bad qualities are not bad at all.
That is was all a mirage.
A defense mechanism to keep people, including his loved ones, from coming too close and poking in his mind.
But it’s so astonishingly beautiful.
He is so astonishingly beautiful.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

He’s a Man is the forty-sixth chapter from Project M. 

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After months of silence, Lauren decides to tell the truth about Christopher.

I came across a journaling prompt;
What would you do if fear of rejection or pain wouldn’t ruin you?
My initial thought was:
“Write Christopher. Tell him the truth about my feelings!”
You know honestly? I still might.
If this blog post doesn’t give me the truth-telling relief I hope it will, I still might send an email to Christopher.
Because it’s SUCH a good story!
And if I tell him, I can be a 100% honest. For this blog I still have to withhold and alter a significant amount of information, to protect his identity.
I can’t tell you when exactly, where exactly, I met him. Or why.
But I will tell you more than I did before.
The reason I’ve decided against telling him, is because I ve had men confess their feelings to me, and it has always made me slightly annoyed.
Furious might be a better word.
The reason I feel so provoked if a man tells me how he feels about me, is because their confession always seems to include the expectancy that:
a. I didn’t know already. And I always know already. Men want to have sex with me. Period. It’s been that way since puberty, and that’s fine.
Presuming this is new to me, however, is not fine.
It’s an insult.
Not to my sexual attractiveness but to my brain.
b. They assume their feelings for me have any influence on my feelings for them.
That’s not how it works.
Either I m in love with you, or I find you attractive. Or I don’t.
My feelings for you are independent from what you may or may not think about me, and again: It’s an insult to my emotional maturity that you expect your feelings for me, to be of influence on that.
In short, a man telling me his feelings never sits well with me, and is interpreted by me as a WTF-moment where I search for the nearest exit. Either physically or communication wise.
“Oh, look at the time!”
My disdain or sympathy for men confessing their feelings for me, makes me extremely reluctant to share this story with Christopher.
The only reason I would tell him, is not because I expect him to change his feelings for me, or make a different decision. It’s because it’s such a great story!
There is of course a fair chance that he knows this story.
I ve always assumed our feelings for each other were mutual, and he has hinted at that himself as well. So in that respect, it’s also a bit pointless to tell him a story he already knows.
And pretty presumptuous to assume that I would tell him something new.
Which is why it is better for all parties – and my ego! – to just close the entire Christopher story-line in this blog, by telling the true story.
As much as I can.
First of all: Christopher is not Idris Elba.
I ve used Idris Elba pictures on this blog, to give you a picture and make him an intriguing character. He actually IS intriguing! But the parts of him that make him that way, I can’t reveal.
So that’s why I resorted to strong measures, and played the Elba card.
Also: Christopher is not black either.
And way older than Idris Elba.
When I started this blog I had no idea how old Christopher was. Still don’t. Maybe I’ll do some online spying to see if I can find out, on a day I feel really low and need a little treat.
I also didn’t know Idris Elba’s age, but I thought he’d be about ten year younger than Christopher. Turns out! Turns out! – and I knew this because Christopher Elba was voted sexiest man alive since I started writing, so his age was suddenly all over the media; that Idris is only 46!
That’s my age!
Idris Elba will be attractive his whole life, so he is a great choice in portraying Christopher because it’s clear age doesn’t matter at all.
But Idris’ age could be like twenty years younger than Christopher’s.
I m not sure.
Just that I was a bit bumped out when I realized the actor I had chosen to “portray” Christopher, an older friend with whom I had suddenly fell in love, was born six weeks after me.
Which brings me to the second bit, which was entirely different than I told in the blog;
Christopher is not a friend.
I did not, after years of seeing him for dinner dates, suddenly fall in love. Writing about him as if he was a friend, for whom I had developed feelings, was the only way to protect his identity fully.
Just remember; At the time I started this blog, I didn’t know what would happen.
Something could…
And in that case, men who were my friends would be suspicious.
And men who I d just met, would be off the hook.
I altered his history with me, so that everybody would not suspect him of being Christopher.
Now ironically a very funny part about everything I wrote here, was not a lie;
I was indeed totally unaware of my feelings.
And my suppressed feelings were derailing my entire business and life.
Everything I tried just didn’t feel right!
My little cat Max, love of my life, died at the beginning of the year, so maybe closing off from my feelings was simply a survival mechanism. As I was trying to “fix” my life, by “fixing” my business.
The only thing I HAD in my life, the only thing constant that still demanded my attention, was my yoga company!
No wonder I automatically directed my love into my business, when Max died and I couldn’t have a new cat. For multiple reasons, really.
So it wasn’t a lie when I said my feelings for Christopher had gone unnoticed for months and had completely pulled me offtrack business wise.
Because of course nothing I came up with felt right!
I was in love. And the whole situation was completely hopeless because he was married and I already had a secret lover. Either we weren’t going to get together. Or if we did, I would have two secret lovers.
When it had already taken me years to get used to one!
NO WONDER NOTHING FELT RIGHT!
After more than three years of only having feelings for Mr.Big, completely immune to any other man, I had fallen for someone else.
That does not feel right.
That feels like a crisis.
But if you’re unaware of those feelings, yes, you will keep reorganizing your company until you drop, (or it drops) assuming that your restless agony stems from a malfunctioning marketing system.
Or whatever.
Of course!
So I can see how Max’ death, and not being in touch with my feelings, contributed to me not realizing I was in love with Christopher.
And the age thing, maybe that too played a part.
I just didn’t take him into account, whenever I found myself having such strong feelings of joy, and excitement, and it was like I knew very well I was in love. Just not with whom!
I even remember going over all the men in my life, and yet I never included him!
Ever!
We didn’t have a relationship of any kind at the time, but I did know on which occasion (which I will never reveal) I could run into him.
And I had noticed my undeniable feelings of exuberance around that setting.
And I did go over the men I was closest to, when I was there.
But never him!
So call it the revenge of ageism. And it was revenge I deserved.
But the absolute weirdest thing, is that in hindsight the way we met had all the characteristics of a scripted meet cute. The way they stage the main characters coming together in a romantic movie.
Do you know how Mr.Big and Carrie meet?
They bump into each other, and Carrie drops her bag and all her condoms fall on the sidewalk. Mr.Big, who would be her number one love interest for six seasons of Sex and the City, helps to pick them up.
We had the same meet cute.
It was spontaneous, in the sense that neither one of us planned this.
There was clumsiness. On both sides. Or maybe clumsiness is not the right word… but someone who had a radar for things like this would have picked up on it.
It seemed like the world had stopped turning.
And I know that’s an absolutely cheesy way to put it, but it really describes how clear it all was.
Just like a romantic comedy.
Everybody knows these are forces that can’t be budged with.
All the more remarkable that I then IGNORED it!
Took it out on my company!
Went over the men associated with the location, and still did not see it!
I was so ignorant – this is embarrassing – that I ended up having a good reason to spend time with him. AND YET I STILL DIDN’T SEE IT.
Yet my energy just sky-rocketed every time I saw him!
How on earth did I manage to not notice?!
And then, suddenly, after months and months, it hit me.
Oh. My. Fucking. God. It’s Christopher.
Now contrary to what I wrote here, I never wrote him a long tell-all letter where I confessed my feelings and asked him how he wanted to proceed from now on.
That would have been totally ridiculous because we weren’t friends.
If Christopher had indeed been a friend for years, and suddenly my feelings had shifted? A real heart to heart would have been a believable story.
But I didn’t even know Christopher.
We ran into each other by chance, and I hid my feelings so no one could find them, least of all me. We saw each other, but very occasionally and never in private or anything.
I could feel we were getting friendly, and that we were in the process of determining what we wanted. If we wanted to see each other, or not.
I did feel that.
But it wasn’t as if we had a bond that required explaining if my feelings had changed. And in retrospect they had not even changed, because he literally had me at hello.
Just that I had managed to ignore that for months.
So when I had that light-bulb moment, finally, after all those months. And I realized me and Christopher were testing the waters about what we wanted,  that’s when I did the bravest thing imaginable.
I would call it my personal, most altruistic moment to date.
I gave him a little heads up that I would love to go on a date, but that it would probably not be without risk and that I could imagine him passing. THAT’S ALL I WROTE.
And then he answered to that, and he did choose for his wife and marriage.
It was a very mature conversation, between two emotionally mature individuals. It was drama-free, respectful and discrete.
It’s been months. I’ve carefully avoided him, and I never saw him again.
And yet I can still remember every single word.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

Love makes the world go round is the thirty-fourth chapter from Project M. 

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Gives a 25% discount on all prices
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
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spotlight on:
Het Boek Benjamin
verzameld werk Engels en Nederlands
2006-2016

Een meisje vrijt met een jongen en een homoseksuele man. Naast het overweldigende verlangen, is ze zich hyperbewust van de risico’s. Zal haar lust het winnen van de angst?
Zo opent het magnum opus van LS Harteveld.
Na de coming of age novelle Mango, duik je in het dagboek van een yoga docent. En hier blijken de fictieve karakters uit Mango bestaande personen.
Benjamin keert zelfs boek na boek weer terug. Maar wat is de waarheid?
En wie is Benjamin?
Het laatste boek gaat over haar affaire met een getrouwde man die ze Mr. Big noemt.
Waardoor de vraag rijst; Is hij Benjamin?
Heeft LS Harteveld haar muze in bescherming genomen en zijn identiteit veranderd? Of heeft ze een nieuwe liefde gevonden? Een vrouw leunt over een tafel. Ze is naakt, op haar blinddoek na.
Haar minnaar rekt haar grenzen op tot het uiterste van wat nog passend is, in dit spel der geesten. Misschien gaat hij eroverheen, dat blijft in het midden. Maar 25 jaar na de eerste scene, is één ding duidelijk;
de lust heeft gewonnen.

Levering in Nederland

De goedkoopste manier om mijn werk te kopen is via de uitgeverij – 
In verband met problemen met de pakjesdiensten én mijn eigen postbus,
kan ik helaas geen boeken meer opsturen.
Maar ik heb ze nog wel.
Je kunt hier beneden de beschrijvingen lezen of mijn boeken
bekijken via de webwinkel en daarna bestellen via mail:
onder mijn eigen naam
Suzanne s_beenackers@hotmail.com
Betaling is vooraf via mijn privérekening, en overdracht op het station van Nijmegen.
Signeren gratis uiteraard!

Minimale bestelling € 10
Als je een bon wilt, moet je via de uitgeverij bestellen, en niet via mij.

Hieronder het oeuvre en de prijzen.
alle boeken zijn handzaam A5, behalve Het Boek Benjamin, dat is groot studieboek formaat (soft cover) dat je open moet leggen.

Het Boek Benjamin €45
Verzameld werk boek 1 t/m 8
Beschrijving boven, losse boeken beneden. 

1. Mango, een novelle  €15
Seksuele safari, van de jaren 80 tot de zero’s.
Een stoer, technisch meisje groeit op met alleen een moeder, in de roerige jaren 80. Roken is nog van alle leeftijden, drinken idem, en seks ook zolang je bestand bent tegen voorlichtingsfolders over aids waarbij het woord AIDS in bloedspatten is geschreven.
Dat blijkt helaas teveel van ‘t goede.
Vermengd met een verleden in Afrika, en een overleden vader, ontwikkelt deze arrogante tiener een angststoornis waar geen psycholoog haar bij kan helpen. Maar ze blijft aangetrokken tot mooie jongens en homoseksuele mannen.

2. Dutch American Diary (2008-2009) €15
Yoga teacher Lauren is in love with two men; One cunning wizard and one half her age.
 The affair was secret so Lauren called him; He Who Must Not Be Named. After the dark wizard in the Harry Potter series. She tried to get over this American but after a year she only has her mistakes to show for. Including dating an Israeli spy and a Buddhist photographer.
Now her wizard obsession is back full throttle and the next disaster has already emerged;  an attractive yoga student. Young enough to be her son.
Faced with nothing but diabolic choices, Lauren confides in her best friend; the warm and friendly Lara. Despite having the same nationality as He Who Must Not Be Named, and working at the same office coven, Lara seems to lack his foul nature.
Or does she?
Once you’ve read Dutch American Diary? You’ll never ever in your life make the mistake of messing with a yoga teacher. 
~Dutch American Diary part 1

3. 22 Erotische Verhalen €15
Literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin en Isabel Allende.
Ze komen en gaan; de kleurrijke personages in deze dromerige erotische wereld, waar ze je één verhaal lang deelgenoot maken van hun diepste verlangen en hun ergste pijn. Die vaker wel dan niet op magische wijze met elkaar verbonden blijken.
Grenzen worden genegeerd, lusten gebotvierd, wonden geheeld.
Sinds Anais Nin heeft geen schrijver zo onbevreesd het grijze gebied durven te betreden tussen het verbodene, het gruwelijke en het goddelijke. De lezer krijgt naast onversneden liefde en zinderende ontknopingen, ook een spiegel voorgehouden die je laat zien wat er zich afspeelt in de donkerste delen van je ziel. 

 4. LS Diary (2012-2013) €10
About three dark men and Lauren getting naked on stage. Not necessarily together.
 Being dark, smart, and handsome, a Dutch writer bears the characteristics Lauren only knows  too well. He looks exactly like her male muse and unwanted protagonist in the majority of her writing.
A published writer and sought-after talk show guest, the Dutch writer has succeeded where blogger Lauren is failing year after year. After year. She feels the weight of her unpublished manuscripts, and her failed attempts to become a writer. To make matters worse she already has one ill-natured stalker. As if the liabilities of being famous have preceded its benefits.
Lauren gets her shit together prioritizing her work, ignoring men, sex and stalkers. But will it work?  Star struck Lauren meets the celebrity in real life, and soon enough her supposedly highly efficient sex-free life includes a naked guest appearance on stage, a blow-job in a parking garage and a seven month relationship.
~LS Diary can be read as standalone or as Dutch American Diary part 2

5. De Candystop (2013) €10
Waar de Nederlandse literatuur tot stilstand komt door een Marokkaanse lekkernij.
Getergd door een rits onduidelijke medische klachten, besluit Lauren geen suiker meer te eten, geen Chardonnay meer te nemen, en geen latte macchiato’s meer te drinken.
Na een paar weken is ze zo apathisch dat ze zelfs vergeet te masturberen.
Tot een jonge Marokkaanse god op tv verschijnt die tegen Lauren zegt;
“LauRRRen! WakkeRRR woRRRden! Ik ben ook schRRRijveRRR en ik heb ook een leuk leven!”
Dat is zo. Sam doet de vier s’en. Hij schrijft, hij sport, hij sekst en hij slaapt.
Ineens weet Lauren nog steeds niet waar het naartoe moet met haar leven, maar ze is wel klaarwakker. Zeker als ze erachter komt, dat Sam binnen een week een optreden geeft bij haar om de hoek.
Sam doet haar denken aan een verboden relatie met haar leerling, iets waar ze gemengde gevoelens over heeft. Sam wil die best met haar onderzoeken, maar hij vraag een prijs…

6. Bedtime Stories (2014) €15
Facing her demons and her muse, Lauren’s sexual history gets its worthy finale.
Lauren is corresponding with Elliot, but somewhere between The Netherlands and Vegas, things have stranded. To get their project back on track Lauren resorts to strong measures: making the whole damn thing public.
Sharing eight months of her life, Lauren’s third diary reintroduces all popular characters, such as writer Rafael and his legendary mythical counterpart Benjamin. Young writer Sam and his ghost twin Valentino.
Closing the Dutch American Diary trilogy, the 1991 story lines are finally tied together. With an extremely satisfying ending. Although not in a way anyone saw coming.
 ~LS Diary can be read as standalone or as Dutch American Diary part 3

7. Mirage (2014) €5
Giving you a little dessert, with all gorgeous writers from previous books.
Lauren, the former hedonistic cougar, is home bound, mothering her little ones, sick with worry and about to get dumped by her lover. Together with autumn setting in, Lauren needs her annual Cute Writer Fix more than ever. And this year there’s five of them.
Including a lunch date with the most famous author of the Netherlands; her youth love Henry.
~Mirage can be read as standalone or as the epilogue to the Dutch American Diary trilogy.

8. Big, diaries & erotica (2015-2016)  €20
The crown to Lauren’s life; a secret affair with her Biggie.
Ten years and ten lovers have taught Lauren two things.
One: single life is a disaster.
And two: men suck at anal sex.
So when Mr.Big comes along and succeeds where all the others have failed, Lauren is euphoric. She immediately picks up her pen to write about it, and her first story is indeed called “The Biggie”, about his flawless performance.  
For two years Lauren documents her secret affair with the married business man. She writes about their explosive encounters, her unwavering love, and her powerful insights. Gradually, Lauren changes. From an scarred single, to a woman totally owning her worth and her true nature. Ten years after ending her relationship in order to explore love and sex in all their forms, Lauren Harteveld becomes the ultimate mistress.

los verkrijgbaar, niet in Het Boek Benjamin:

Witte Tijgerin €5
Gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie.
Een Witte Tijgerin is een alleenstaande, onafhankelijke vrouw. Haar contact met mannen is erop gericht dat ze er energie van krijgt. Stel je voor! Nooit meer gehannes met beginnende relaties die het toch nét niet zijn. Nooit meer die morning-after backlash. Geïnspireerd op het klassieke Taoïstische werk De Witte Tijgerin van Hsi Lai, onthult deze gids;
– hoe je de touwtjes in handen houdt
– hoe je je liefdesleven gebruikt voor je plezier
– hoe je met seks je jeugdigheid herstelt.
Hij zal niet kunnen wachten om weer met je af te spreken! 

 

Lauren is invited to come over, by Mr.Big. And she wonders if there will ever be something that will make her feel more alive, than her secret lover. 

Our dates always go by so quickly. And they always make me wish I took notes.
Notes!
So that I could actually write something to do it justice. But naturally there is no one thing, no one anecdote about me and Mr.Big that would offer an explanation why we love seeing each other so much.
Neither one of us would say “love each other so much” because that would ruin the idea that we still have to conquer each other every time, all over again.
Even after three and a half year, closer to four years by now.
Not taking each other for granted is of course a big part of it.
Which was really interesting because Mr.Big and me met at the caterer, and we actually had this huge disconnect! Maybe he was genuinely trying to make conversation; Yet I felt this wave of irritation coming from him.
As if he was taking a bad business day out on me, or something else that was bothering him.
But strangely enough it made me want him more.
It rose the stakes because it made me realize we actually do have to conquer each other every time. Our love, or our ability to deal with adversity, may not be strong enough to pull us through quarrel.
And that insecurity is exciting.
We could be so attached to our time being loving and light, that we would have little patience nor willingness to work for it. Like any couple other we are not immune to falling into the trap of entitlement.
But in me it sparked the opposite.
It felt like a challenge to have him show his irritation. What I did, although I must say it was intuitively, was to take my coat off.
My coat is like a shell. A mask. I once read Anais Nin too, attributed great significance to coats and cloaks. She realized they protected her, and that she could become a different person, by wearing one.
That is exactly how I wear them too.
I have shorter jackets as well, which are more practical, warmer, water and wind resistant and so on. Yet, I hardly ever wear them. Unless I work the land or something.
Which I do about once a year.
I simply need those long, stylish,  black or white coats for protection. They fight off intruders, because they make me unapproachable.
Intuitively I seemed to understand I needed to take my coat off.
And I did.
I also managed to not let myself be triggered, and before we were home with our French cuisine which included chocolate mousse for dessert;
we were already back to fun and flirting.
But I still appreciated the date starting by having to work for it. It made the evening all the sweeter.
Strangely enough though, I didn’t feel very sexual.
But my mood shifted and we had lovely sex.
I told Mr.Big, I should have known beforehand that I we would have sex. Because I had shaved my pussy, completely smooth.
It’s not my normal look but I need a trimmer for that, and it needed recharging. So instead of working my way around it with scissors, I just found it more convenient to shave it all off.
“I always get so hot, if it’s bald,” I confessed, lying in his arms, after our first time that night. “Have I ever told you about the first time? My boyfriend did it.”
I told him the story of my boyfriend shaving it all off, at my request. I was lying on the bed with my legs pulled up and a towel under my hips.
He had a bowl of warm water, shaving cream, shaving knife.
It took forever, and by the time he was done I was hornier than I had ever been in my life.
“We even tried to go for a walk that day, but we turned back because I was so horny at the idea I was completely shaven. I think we had sex for 24 hours straight or so.”
“I would feel a little scared doing that,” Mr.Big remarked. “Shaving you, down there.”
“Well, you’re the experienced one! You guys shave every day!”
“Yes. And it goes wrong occasionally.”
The thought of Mr.Big shaving me, and it hurting and being bloody turned me on so much I immediately wanted to have sex again.
Even the thought of pain made the pleasure all the sweeter.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

La Isla Bonita is the thirty-third chapter from Project M. 

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BOOK SHOP
Gives a 25% discount on all prices
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

spotlight on:
Het Boek Benjamin
verzameld werk Engels en Nederlands
2006-2016

Een meisje vrijt met een jongen en een homoseksuele man. Naast het overweldigende verlangen, is ze zich hyperbewust van de risico’s. Zal haar lust het winnen van de angst?
Zo opent het magnum opus van LS Harteveld.
Na de coming of age novelle Mango, duik je in het dagboek van een yoga docent. En hier blijken de fictieve karakters uit Mango bestaande personen.
Benjamin keert zelfs boek na boek weer terug. Maar wat is de waarheid?
En wie is Benjamin?
Het laatste boek gaat over haar affaire met een getrouwde man die ze Mr. Big noemt.
Waardoor de vraag rijst; Is hij Benjamin?
Heeft LS Harteveld haar muze in bescherming genomen en zijn identiteit veranderd? Of heeft ze een nieuwe liefde gevonden? Een vrouw leunt over een tafel. Ze is naakt, op haar blinddoek na.
Haar minnaar rekt haar grenzen op tot het uiterste van wat nog passend is, in dit spel der geesten. Misschien gaat hij eroverheen, dat blijft in het midden. Maar 25 jaar na de eerste scene, is één ding duidelijk;
de lust heeft gewonnen.

Levering in Nederland

De goedkoopste manier om mijn werk te kopen is via de uitgeverij – 
In verband met problemen met de pakjesdiensten én mijn eigen postbus,
kan ik helaas geen boeken meer opsturen.
Maar ik heb ze nog wel.
Je kunt hier beneden de beschrijvingen lezen of mijn boeken
bekijken via de webwinkel en daarna bestellen via mail:
onder mijn eigen naam
Suzanne s_beenackers@hotmail.com
Betaling is vooraf via mijn privérekening, en overdracht op het station van Nijmegen.
Signeren gratis uiteraard!

Minimale bestelling € 10
Als je een bon wilt, moet je via de uitgeverij bestellen, en niet via mij.

Hieronder het oeuvre en de prijzen.
alle boeken zijn handzaam A5, behalve Het Boek Benjamin, dat is groot studieboek formaat (soft cover) dat je open moet leggen.

Het Boek Benjamin €45
Verzameld werk boek 1 t/m 8
Beschrijving boven, losse boeken beneden. 

1. Mango, een novelle  €15
Seksuele safari, van de jaren 80 tot de zero’s.
Een stoer, technisch meisje groeit op met alleen een moeder, in de roerige jaren 80. Roken is nog van alle leeftijden, drinken idem, en seks ook zolang je bestand bent tegen voorlichtingsfolders over aids waarbij het woord AIDS in bloedspatten is geschreven.
Dat blijkt helaas teveel van ‘t goede.
Vermengd met een verleden in Afrika, en een overleden vader, ontwikkelt deze arrogante tiener een angststoornis waar geen psycholoog haar bij kan helpen. Maar ze blijft aangetrokken tot mooie jongens en homoseksuele mannen.

2. Dutch American Diary (2008-2009) €15
Yoga teacher Lauren is in love with two men; One cunning wizard and one half her age.
 The affair was secret so Lauren called him; He Who Must Not Be Named. After the dark wizard in the Harry Potter series. She tried to get over this American but after a year she only has her mistakes to show for. Including dating an Israeli spy and a Buddhist photographer.
Now her wizard obsession is back full throttle and the next disaster has already emerged;  an attractive yoga student. Young enough to be her son.
Faced with nothing but diabolic choices, Lauren confides in her best friend; the warm and friendly Lara. Despite having the same nationality as He Who Must Not Be Named, and working at the same office coven, Lara seems to lack his foul nature.
Or does she?
Once you’ve read Dutch American Diary? You’ll never ever in your life make the mistake of messing with a yoga teacher. 
~Dutch American Diary part 1

3. 22 Erotische Verhalen €15
Literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin en Isabel Allende.
Ze komen en gaan; de kleurrijke personages in deze dromerige erotische wereld, waar ze je één verhaal lang deelgenoot maken van hun diepste verlangen en hun ergste pijn. Die vaker wel dan niet op magische wijze met elkaar verbonden blijken.
Grenzen worden genegeerd, lusten gebotvierd, wonden geheeld.
Sinds Anais Nin heeft geen schrijver zo onbevreesd het grijze gebied durven te betreden tussen het verbodene, het gruwelijke en het goddelijke. De lezer krijgt naast onversneden liefde en zinderende ontknopingen, ook een spiegel voorgehouden die je laat zien wat er zich afspeelt in de donkerste delen van je ziel. 

 4. LS Diary (2012-2013) €10
About three dark men and Lauren getting naked on stage. Not necessarily together.
 Being dark, smart, and handsome, a Dutch writer bears the characteristics Lauren only knows  too well. He looks exactly like her male muse and unwanted protagonist in the majority of her writing.
A published writer and sought-after talk show guest, the Dutch writer has succeeded where blogger Lauren is failing year after year. After year. She feels the weight of her unpublished manuscripts, and her failed attempts to become a writer. To make matters worse she already has one ill-natured stalker. As if the liabilities of being famous have preceded its benefits.
Lauren gets her shit together prioritizing her work, ignoring men, sex and stalkers. But will it work?  Star struck Lauren meets the celebrity in real life, and soon enough her supposedly highly efficient sex-free life includes a naked guest appearance on stage, a blow-job in a parking garage and a seven month relationship.
~LS Diary can be read as standalone or as Dutch American Diary part 2

5. De Candystop (2013) €10
Waar de Nederlandse literatuur tot stilstand komt door een Marokkaanse lekkernij.
Getergd door een rits onduidelijke medische klachten, besluit Lauren geen suiker meer te eten, geen Chardonnay meer te nemen, en geen latte macchiato’s meer te drinken.
Na een paar weken is ze zo apathisch dat ze zelfs vergeet te masturberen.
Tot een jonge Marokkaanse god op tv verschijnt die tegen Lauren zegt;
“LauRRRen! WakkeRRR woRRRden! Ik ben ook schRRRijveRRR en ik heb ook een leuk leven!”
Dat is zo. Sam doet de vier s’en. Hij schrijft, hij sport, hij sekst en hij slaapt.
Ineens weet Lauren nog steeds niet waar het naartoe moet met haar leven, maar ze is wel klaarwakker. Zeker als ze erachter komt, dat Sam binnen een week een optreden geeft bij haar om de hoek.
Sam doet haar denken aan een verboden relatie met haar leerling, iets waar ze gemengde gevoelens over heeft. Sam wil die best met haar onderzoeken, maar hij vraag een prijs…

6. Bedtime Stories (2014) €15
Facing her demons and her muse, Lauren’s sexual history gets its worthy finale.
Lauren is corresponding with Elliot, but somewhere between The Netherlands and Vegas, things have stranded. To get their project back on track Lauren resorts to strong measures: making the whole damn thing public.
Sharing eight months of her life, Lauren’s third diary reintroduces all popular characters, such as writer Rafael and his legendary mythical counterpart Benjamin. Young writer Sam and his ghost twin Valentino.
Closing the Dutch American Diary trilogy, the 1991 story lines are finally tied together. With an extremely satisfying ending. Although not in a way anyone saw coming.
 ~LS Diary can be read as standalone or as Dutch American Diary part 3

7. Mirage (2014) €5
Giving you a little dessert, with all gorgeous writers from previous books.
Lauren, the former hedonistic cougar, is home bound, mothering her little ones, sick with worry and about to get dumped by her lover. Together with autumn setting in, Lauren needs her annual Cute Writer Fix more than ever. And this year there’s five of them.
Including a lunch date with the most famous author of the Netherlands; her youth love Henry.
~Mirage can be read as standalone or as the epilogue to the Dutch American Diary trilogy.

8. Big, diaries & erotica (2015-2016)  €20
The crown to Lauren’s life; a secret affair with her Biggie.
Ten years and ten lovers have taught Lauren two things.
One: single life is a disaster.
And two: men suck at anal sex.
So when Mr.Big comes along and succeeds where all the others have failed, Lauren is euphoric. She immediately picks up her pen to write about it, and her first story is indeed called “The Biggie”, about his flawless performance.  
For two years Lauren documents her secret affair with the married business man. She writes about their explosive encounters, her unwavering love, and her powerful insights. Gradually, Lauren changes. From an scarred single, to a woman totally owning her worth and her true nature. Ten years after ending her relationship in order to explore love and sex in all their forms, Lauren Harteveld becomes the ultimate mistress.

los verkrijgbaar, niet in Het Boek Benjamin:

Witte Tijgerin €5
Gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie.
Een Witte Tijgerin is een alleenstaande, onafhankelijke vrouw. Haar contact met mannen is erop gericht dat ze er energie van krijgt. Stel je voor! Nooit meer gehannes met beginnende relaties die het toch nét niet zijn. Nooit meer die morning-after backlash. Geïnspireerd op het klassieke Taoïstische werk De Witte Tijgerin van Hsi Lai, onthult deze gids;
– hoe je de touwtjes in handen houdt
– hoe je je liefdesleven gebruikt voor je plezier
– hoe je met seks je jeugdigheid herstelt.
Hij zal niet kunnen wachten om weer met je af te spreken!