He’s a Man

Secrecy inspires Lauren to write a post about the man she loves.
Her lover, Mr. Big. 

I can’t believe it’s only been 48 hours since my last post here.
It seems like a lifetime.
I’m going by Madonna songs, album by album. The final song of this album is called: I m a Man.
Since this entire week has been about me-me-me, I honestly had no idea how to go about that.
I solved this problem by naming the previous blog post after the album title, I m Breathless. Which is not really a song.
But today it’s Thursday, and I CANT TALK ABOUT MY SECRET THING!
Hopefully, I can this afternoon.
But I have an hour before I have to go to my an appointment AND I have to cover He’s a Man before this album is done. So I decided to take the opportunity to write about Tha Man.
Instead of about me-me-me.
And it’s not that far off, I do have a reason to write about him.
We spoke this week.
There was clearly something going on in his life, which was bothering him and which had prevented him from being in the mood to see his mistress, moi.
The freedom to basically put me on hold in situations like this, works out for me very well.
Because when we do meet, he’s all mine. I rarely have to compete with something intangible, occupying his mind.
When he’s there, he’s there.
I felt sorry for him, that he wasn’t his usual self.
Part of me wanted to write him a long letter about everything I liked about him so much. And that I would always like, regardless of anything he would ever decide or do.
A full report on how much I appreciated him, and everything about him that simply can only be loved. And that’s just me raving on about his “bad qualities”!
I mean it though. Those qualities are what I like about him most, and maybe especially because I can see the flip side: the unique good characteristics that almost no one has. Because they can only be found in people who have the “bad” qualities as well.
And if you can see that, you see the bad qualities are not bad at all.
That is was all a mirage.
A defense mechanism to keep people, including his loved ones, from coming too close and poking in his mind.
But it’s so astonishingly beautiful.
He is so astonishingly beautiful.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

He’s a Man is the forty-sixth chapter from Project M. 

The subscribe button to this diary is somewhere on the right.
or follow Twitter ; or Facebook
NEW connect on Linkedin

BOOK SHOP
Gives a 25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States

with the flag in the upper right corner.

Hanky Panky

Even though Lauren’s no longer crying on a daily basis, that doesn’t mean she’s her old self.
Yet.
.
When I was stressed out, I was aware that I wasn’t masturbating. I lost all touch with my physical body.
I didn’t even dress the way I normally do. Hoodies and comfortable pants seemed to be naturally drawn to my sadness.
I was wearing them without making a conscious choice to do so.
And although the problem was obviously on a way more existential level, I kept thinking:
“If only I could masturbate! Everything would be alright!”
I sometimes even went as far as to browse Steve Holmes’ timeline on Twitter, which is my go-to if I don’t bother to turn myself on with thoughts.
One quick look of my favorite porn star doing his thing is enough.
Or it should be.
Except that it wasn’t for nearly two weeks.
That’s when you know you have issues. And I already knew that. I was hoping masturbation would give me a hard reset and snap me out of it.
Yesterday I was still not functioning sexually, despite having solved my problem. I suggested to my creativity coach to include this into our call.
Where’s my lust?
That was around midnight, writing that email. And just putting it in writing, giving it a place, was apparently the incentive it needed. I went to bed, masturbated, had merely four hours sleep before I had to get up, and I was fine all day.
This doesn’t mean it is where I want it to be.
I can’t imagine having real sex. Or doing yoga or  cycling, other than a simple commute.
Every confrontation with my body, like waxing my legs, still feels completely off. Even putting on my clothes! As if I m dressing a slightly overweight doll.
Still, real sex is actually the easiest way for me reconnect. To feel that lovely bigger body of mine is really made for it.
Rough sex.
Eye staring melt-together sex.
Role playing oh-my-God-not-there sex.
We cherish a whole bucket list of fantasies I still want to play out. Like a perverted treasure.
With all the other forms of physical activity, satisfaction is not guaranteed. And like I said, even masturbation cannot be done on command.
But when I see my lover Mr.Big, and we don’t have sex?
It’s more out of insecurity because I didn’t shave my pubes or didn’t shower right before. Or because it’s not practical.
I can’t remember ever saying no because I wasn’t aroused.
I always want him when I see him.
He is, what makes me tick.

.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

Hanky Panky is the thirty-eight chapter from Project M. 

The subscribe button to this diary is somewhere on the right.
or follow Twitter ; or Facebook
NEW connect on Linkedin

BOOK SHOP
Gives a 25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States

with the flag in the upper right corner.

Love Makes the World Go Round

After months of silence, Lauren decides to tell the truth about Christopher.

I came across a journaling prompt;
What would you do if fear of rejection or pain wouldn’t ruin you?
My initial thought was:
“Write Christopher. Tell him the truth about my feelings!”
You know honestly? I still might.
If this blog post doesn’t give me the truth-telling relief I hope it will, I still might send an email to Christopher.
Because it’s SUCH a good story!
And if I tell him, I can be a 100% honest. For this blog I still have to withhold and alter a significant amount of information, to protect his identity.
I can’t tell you when exactly, where exactly, I met him. Or why.
But I will tell you more than I did before.
The reason I’ve decided against telling him, is because I ve had men confess their feelings to me, and it has always made me slightly annoyed.
Furious might be a better word.
The reason I feel so provoked if a man tells me how he feels about me, is because their confession always seems to include the expectancy that:
a. I didn’t know already. And I always know already. Men want to have sex with me. Period. It’s been that way since puberty, and that’s fine.
Presuming this is new to me, however, is not fine.
It’s an insult.
Not to my sexual attractiveness but to my brain.
b. They assume their feelings for me have any influence on my feelings for them.
That’s not how it works.
Either I m in love with you, or I find you attractive. Or I don’t.
My feelings for you are independent from what you may or may not think about me, and again: It’s an insult to my emotional maturity that you expect your feelings for me, to be of influence on that.
In short, a man telling me his feelings never sits well with me, and is interpreted by me as a WTF-moment where I search for the nearest exit. Either physically or communication wise.
“Oh, look at the time!”
My disdain or sympathy for men confessing their feelings for me, makes me extremely reluctant to share this story with Christopher.
The only reason I would tell him, is not because I expect him to change his feelings for me, or make a different decision. It’s because it’s such a great story!
There is of course a fair chance that he knows this story.
I ve always assumed our feelings for each other were mutual, and he has hinted at that himself as well. So in that respect, it’s also a bit pointless to tell him a story he already knows.
And pretty presumptuous to assume that I would tell him something new.
Which is why it is better for all parties – and my ego! – to just close the entire Christopher story-line in this blog, by telling the true story.
As much as I can.
First of all: Christopher is not Idris Elba.
I ve used Idris Elba pictures on this blog, to give you a picture and make him an intriguing character. He actually IS intriguing! But the parts of him that make him that way, I can’t reveal.
So that’s why I resorted to strong measures, and played the Elba card.
Also: Christopher is not black either.
And way older than Idris Elba.
When I started this blog I had no idea how old Christopher was. Still don’t. Maybe I’ll do some online spying to see if I can find out, on a day I feel really low and need a little treat.
I also didn’t know Idris Elba’s age, but I thought he’d be about ten year younger than Christopher. Turns out! Turns out! – and I knew this because Christopher Elba was voted sexiest man alive since I started writing, so his age was suddenly all over the media; that Idris is only 46!
That’s my age!
Idris Elba will be attractive his whole life, so he is a great choice in portraying Christopher because it’s clear age doesn’t matter at all.
But Idris’ age could be like twenty years younger than Christopher’s.
I m not sure.
Just that I was a bit bumped out when I realized the actor I had chosen to “portray” Christopher, an older friend with whom I had suddenly fell in love, was born six weeks after me.
Which brings me to the second bit, which was entirely different than I told in the blog;
Christopher is not a friend.
I did not, after years of seeing him for dinner dates, suddenly fall in love. Writing about him as if he was a friend, for whom I had developed feelings, was the only way to protect his identity fully.
Just remember; At the time I started this blog, I didn’t know what would happen.
Something could…
And in that case, men who were my friends would be suspicious.
And men who I d just met, would be off the hook.
I altered his history with me, so that everybody would not suspect him of being Christopher.
Now ironically a very funny part about everything I wrote here, was not a lie;
I was indeed totally unaware of my feelings.
And my suppressed feelings were derailing my entire business and life.
Everything I tried just didn’t feel right!
My little cat Max, love of my life, died at the beginning of the year, so maybe closing off from my feelings was simply a survival mechanism. As I was trying to “fix” my life, by “fixing” my business.
The only thing I HAD in my life, the only thing constant that still demanded my attention, was my yoga company!
No wonder I automatically directed my love into my business, when Max died and I couldn’t have a new cat. For multiple reasons, really.
So it wasn’t a lie when I said my feelings for Christopher had gone unnoticed for months and had completely pulled me offtrack business wise.
Because of course nothing I came up with felt right!
I was in love. And the whole situation was completely hopeless because he was married and I already had a secret lover. Either we weren’t going to get together. Or if we did, I would have two secret lovers.
When it had already taken me years to get used to one!
NO WONDER NOTHING FELT RIGHT!
After more than three years of only having feelings for Mr.Big, completely immune to any other man, I had fallen for someone else.
That does not feel right.
That feels like a crisis.
But if you’re unaware of those feelings, yes, you will keep reorganizing your company until you drop, (or it drops) assuming that your restless agony stems from a malfunctioning marketing system.
Or whatever.
Of course!
So I can see how Max’ death, and not being in touch with my feelings, contributed to me not realizing I was in love with Christopher.
And the age thing, maybe that too played a part.
I just didn’t take him into account, whenever I found myself having such strong feelings of joy, and excitement, and it was like I knew very well I was in love. Just not with whom!
I even remember going over all the men in my life, and yet I never included him!
Ever!
We didn’t have a relationship of any kind at the time, but I did know on which occasion (which I will never reveal) I could run into him.
And I had noticed my undeniable feelings of exuberance around that setting.
And I did go over the men I was closest to, when I was there.
But never him!
So call it the revenge of ageism. And it was revenge I deserved.
But the absolute weirdest thing, is that in hindsight the way we met had all the characteristics of a scripted meet cute. The way they stage the main characters coming together in a romantic movie.
Do you know how Mr.Big and Carrie meet?
They bump into each other, and Carrie drops her bag and all her condoms fall on the sidewalk. Mr.Big, who would be her number one love interest for six seasons of Sex and the City, helps to pick them up.
We had the same meet cute.
It was spontaneous, in the sense that neither one of us planned this.
There was clumsiness. On both sides. Or maybe clumsiness is not the right word… but someone who had a radar for things like this would have picked up on it.
It seemed like the world had stopped turning.
And I know that’s an absolutely cheesy way to put it, but it really describes how clear it all was.
Just like a romantic comedy.
Everybody knows these are forces that can’t be budged with.
All the more remarkable that I then IGNORED it!
Took it out on my company!
Went over the men associated with the location, and still did not see it!
I was so ignorant – this is embarrassing – that I ended up having a good reason to spend time with him. AND YET I STILL DIDN’T SEE IT.
Yet my energy just sky-rocketed every time I saw him!
How on earth did I manage to not notice?!
And then, suddenly, after months and months, it hit me.
Oh. My. Fucking. God. It’s Christopher.
Now contrary to what I wrote here, I never wrote him a long tell-all letter where I confessed my feelings and asked him how he wanted to proceed from now on.
That would have been totally ridiculous because we weren’t friends.
If Christopher had indeed been a friend for years, and suddenly my feelings had shifted? A real heart to heart would have been a believable story.
But I didn’t even know Christopher.
We ran into each other by chance, and I hid my feelings so no one could find them, least of all me. We saw each other, but very occasionally and never in private or anything.
I could feel we were getting friendly, and that we were in the process of determining what we wanted. If we wanted to see each other, or not.
I did feel that.
But it wasn’t as if we had a bond that required explaining if my feelings had changed. And in retrospect they had not even changed, because he literally had me at hello.
Just that I had managed to ignore that for months.
So when I had that light-bulb moment, finally, after all those months. And I realized me and Christopher were testing the waters about what we wanted,  that’s when I did the bravest thing imaginable.
I would call it my personal, most altruistic moment to date.
I gave him a little heads up that I would love to go on a date, but that it would probably not be without risk and that I could imagine him passing. THAT’S ALL I WROTE.
And then he answered to that, and he did choose for his wife and marriage.
It was a very mature conversation, between two emotionally mature individuals. It was drama-free, respectful and discrete.
It’s been months. I’ve carefully avoided him, and I never saw him again.
And yet I can still remember every single word.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

Love makes the world go round is the thirty-fourth chapter from Project M. 

The subscribe button to this diary is somewhere on the right.
or follow Twitter ; or Facebook
NEW connect on Linkedin

BOOK SHOP
Gives a 25% discount on all prices
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

spotlight on:
Het Boek Benjamin
verzameld werk Engels en Nederlands
2006-2016

Een meisje vrijt met een jongen en een homoseksuele man. Naast het overweldigende verlangen, is ze zich hyperbewust van de risico’s. Zal haar lust het winnen van de angst?
Zo opent het magnum opus van LS Harteveld.
Na de coming of age novelle Mango, duik je in het dagboek van een yoga docent. En hier blijken de fictieve karakters uit Mango bestaande personen.
Benjamin keert zelfs boek na boek weer terug. Maar wat is de waarheid?
En wie is Benjamin?
Het laatste boek gaat over haar affaire met een getrouwde man die ze Mr. Big noemt.
Waardoor de vraag rijst; Is hij Benjamin?
Heeft LS Harteveld haar muze in bescherming genomen en zijn identiteit veranderd? Of heeft ze een nieuwe liefde gevonden? Een vrouw leunt over een tafel. Ze is naakt, op haar blinddoek na.
Haar minnaar rekt haar grenzen op tot het uiterste van wat nog passend is, in dit spel der geesten. Misschien gaat hij eroverheen, dat blijft in het midden. Maar 25 jaar na de eerste scene, is één ding duidelijk;
de lust heeft gewonnen.

Levering in Nederland

De goedkoopste manier om mijn werk te kopen is via de uitgeverij – 
In verband met problemen met de pakjesdiensten én mijn eigen postbus,
kan ik helaas geen boeken meer opsturen.

Maar ik heb ze nog wel.
Je kunt hier beneden de beschrijvingen lezen of mijn boeken
bekijken via de webwinkel en daarna bestellen via mail:
onder mijn eigen naam

Suzanne s_beenackers@hotmail.com
Betaling is vooraf via mijn privérekening, en overdracht op het station van Nijmegen.
Signeren gratis uiteraard!

Minimale bestelling € 10
Als je een bon wilt, moet je via de uitgeverij bestellen, en niet via mij.

Hieronder het oeuvre en de prijzen.
alle boeken zijn handzaam A5, behalve Het Boek Benjamin, dat is groot studieboek formaat (soft cover) dat je open moet leggen.

Het Boek Benjamin €45
Verzameld werk boek 1 t/m 8
Beschrijving boven, losse boeken beneden. 

1. Mango, een novelle  €15
Seksuele safari, van de jaren 80 tot de zero’s.
Een stoer, technisch meisje groeit op met alleen een moeder, in de roerige jaren 80. Roken is nog van alle leeftijden, drinken idem, en seks ook zolang je bestand bent tegen voorlichtingsfolders over aids waarbij het woord AIDS in bloedspatten is geschreven.

Dat blijkt helaas teveel van ‘t goede.
Vermengd met een verleden in Afrika, en een overleden vader, ontwikkelt deze arrogante tiener een angststoornis waar geen psycholoog haar bij kan helpen. Maar ze blijft aangetrokken tot mooie jongens en homoseksuele mannen.

2. Dutch American Diary (2008-2009) €15
Yoga teacher Lauren is in love with two men; One cunning wizard and one half her age.
 The affair was secret so Lauren called him; He Who Must Not Be Named. After the dark wizard in the Harry Potter series. She tried to get over this American but after a year she only has her mistakes to show for. Including dating an Israeli spy and a Buddhist photographer.

Now her wizard obsession is back full throttle and the next disaster has already emerged;  an attractive yoga student. Young enough to be her son.
Faced with nothing but diabolic choices, Lauren confides in her best friend; the warm and friendly Lara. Despite having the same nationality as He Who Must Not Be Named, and working at the same office coven, Lara seems to lack his foul nature.
Or does she?
Once you’ve read Dutch American Diary? You’ll never ever in your life make the mistake of messing with a yoga teacher. 
~Dutch American Diary part 1

3. 22 Erotische Verhalen €15
Literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin en Isabel Allende.
Ze komen en gaan; de kleurrijke personages in deze dromerige erotische wereld, waar ze je één verhaal lang deelgenoot maken van hun diepste verlangen en hun ergste pijn. Die vaker wel dan niet op magische wijze met elkaar verbonden blijken.

Grenzen worden genegeerd, lusten gebotvierd, wonden geheeld.
Sinds Anais Nin heeft geen schrijver zo onbevreesd het grijze gebied durven te betreden tussen het verbodene, het gruwelijke en het goddelijke. De lezer krijgt naast onversneden liefde en zinderende ontknopingen, ook een spiegel voorgehouden die je laat zien wat er zich afspeelt in de donkerste delen van je ziel. 

 4. LS Diary (2012-2013) €10
About three dark men and Lauren getting naked on stage. Not necessarily together.
 Being dark, smart, and handsome, a Dutch writer bears the characteristics Lauren only knows  too well. He looks exactly like her male muse and unwanted protagonist in the majority of her writing.

A published writer and sought-after talk show guest, the Dutch writer has succeeded where blogger Lauren is failing year after year. After year. She feels the weight of her unpublished manuscripts, and her failed attempts to become a writer. To make matters worse she already has one ill-natured stalker. As if the liabilities of being famous have preceded its benefits.
Lauren gets her shit together prioritizing her work, ignoring men, sex and stalkers. But will it work?  Star struck Lauren meets the celebrity in real life, and soon enough her supposedly highly efficient sex-free life includes a naked guest appearance on stage, a blow-job in a parking garage and a seven month relationship.
~LS Diary can be read as standalone or as Dutch American Diary part 2

5. De Candystop (2013) €10
Waar de Nederlandse literatuur tot stilstand komt door een Marokkaanse lekkernij.
Getergd door een rits onduidelijke medische klachten, besluit Lauren geen suiker meer te eten, geen Chardonnay meer te nemen, en geen latte macchiato’s meer te drinken.

Na een paar weken is ze zo apathisch dat ze zelfs vergeet te masturberen.
Tot een jonge Marokkaanse god op tv verschijnt die tegen Lauren zegt;
“LauRRRen! WakkeRRR woRRRden! Ik ben ook schRRRijveRRR en ik heb ook een leuk leven!”
Dat is zo. Sam doet de vier s’en. Hij schrijft, hij sport, hij sekst en hij slaapt.
Ineens weet Lauren nog steeds niet waar het naartoe moet met haar leven, maar ze is wel klaarwakker. Zeker als ze erachter komt, dat Sam binnen een week een optreden geeft bij haar om de hoek.
Sam doet haar denken aan een verboden relatie met haar leerling, iets waar ze gemengde gevoelens over heeft. Sam wil die best met haar onderzoeken, maar hij vraag een prijs…

6. Bedtime Stories (2014) €15
Facing her demons and her muse, Lauren’s sexual history gets its worthy finale.
Lauren is corresponding with Elliot, but somewhere between The Netherlands and Vegas, things have stranded. To get their project back on track Lauren resorts to strong measures: making the whole damn thing public.

Sharing eight months of her life, Lauren’s third diary reintroduces all popular characters, such as writer Rafael and his legendary mythical counterpart Benjamin. Young writer Sam and his ghost twin Valentino.
Closing the Dutch American Diary trilogy, the 1991 story lines are finally tied together. With an extremely satisfying ending. Although not in a way anyone saw coming.
 ~LS Diary can be read as standalone or as Dutch American Diary part 3

7. Mirage (2014) €5
Giving you a little dessert, with all gorgeous writers from previous books.
Lauren, the former hedonistic cougar, is home bound, mothering her little ones, sick with worry and about to get dumped by her lover. Together with autumn setting in, Lauren needs her annual Cute Writer Fix more than ever. And this year there’s five of them.
Including a lunch date with the most famous author of the Netherlands; her youth love Henry.
~Mirage can be read as standalone or as the epilogue to the Dutch American Diary trilogy.

8. Big, diaries & erotica (2015-2016)  €20
The crown to Lauren’s life; a secret affair with her Biggie.
Ten years and ten lovers have taught Lauren two things.

One: single life is a disaster.
And two: men suck at anal sex.
So when Mr.Big comes along and succeeds where all the others have failed, Lauren is euphoric. She immediately picks up her pen to write about it, and her first story is indeed called “The Biggie”, about his flawless performance.  
For two years Lauren documents her secret affair with the married business man. She writes about their explosive encounters, her unwavering love, and her powerful insights. Gradually, Lauren changes. From an scarred single, to a woman totally owning her worth and her true nature. Ten years after ending her relationship in order to explore love and sex in all their forms, Lauren Harteveld becomes the ultimate mistress.

los verkrijgbaar, niet in Het Boek Benjamin:

Witte Tijgerin €5
Gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie.
Een Witte Tijgerin is een alleenstaande, onafhankelijke vrouw. Haar contact met mannen is erop gericht dat ze er energie van krijgt. Stel je voor! Nooit meer gehannes met beginnende relaties die het toch nét niet zijn. Nooit meer die morning-after backlash. Geïnspireerd op het klassieke Taoïstische werk De Witte Tijgerin van Hsi Lai, onthult deze gids;
– hoe je de touwtjes in handen houdt
– hoe je je liefdesleven gebruikt voor je plezier
– hoe je met seks je jeugdigheid herstelt.
Hij zal niet kunnen wachten om weer met je af te spreken! 

 

La Isla Bonita

Lauren is invited to come over, by Mr.Big. And she wonders if there will ever be something that will make her feel more alive, than her secret lover. 

Our dates always go by so quickly. And they always make me wish I took notes.
Notes!
So that I could actually write something to do it justice. But naturally there is no one thing, no one anecdote about me and Mr.Big that would offer an explanation why we love seeing each other so much.
Neither one of us would say “love each other so much” because that would ruin the idea that we still have to conquer each other every time, all over again.
Even after three and a half year, closer to four years by now.
Not taking each other for granted is of course a big part of it.
Which was really interesting because Mr.Big and me met at the caterer, and we actually had this huge disconnect! Maybe he was genuinely trying to make conversation; Yet I felt this wave of irritation coming from him.
As if he was taking a bad business day out on me, or something else that was bothering him.
But strangely enough it made me want him more.
It rose the stakes because it made me realize we actually do have to conquer each other every time. Our love, or our ability to deal with adversity, may not be strong enough to pull us through quarrel.
And that insecurity is exciting.

We could be so attached to our time being loving and light, that we would have little patience nor willingness to work for it. Like any couple other we are not immune to falling into the trap of entitlement.
But in me it sparked the opposite.
It felt like a challenge to have him show his irritation. What I did, although I must say it was intuitively, was to take my coat off.
My coat is like a shell. A mask. I once read Anais Nin too, attributed great significance to coats and cloaks. She realized they protected her, and that she could become a different person, by wearing one.
That is exactly how I wear them too.
I have shorter jackets as well, which are more practical, warmer, water and wind resistant and so on. Yet, I hardly ever wear them. Unless I work the land or something.
Which I do about once a year.
I simply need those long, stylish,  black or white coats for protection. They fight off intruders, because they make me unapproachable.
Intuitively I seemed to understand I needed to take my coat off.
And I did.
I also managed to not let myself be triggered, and before we were home with our French cuisine which included chocolate mousse for dessert;
we were already back to fun and flirting.
But I still appreciated the date starting by having to work for it. It made the evening all the sweeter.
Strangely enough though, I didn’t feel very sexual.
But my mood shifted and we had lovely sex.
I told Mr.Big, I should have known beforehand that I we would have sex. Because I had shaved my pussy, completely smooth.
It’s not my normal look but I need a trimmer for that, and it needed recharging. So instead of working my way around it with scissors, I just found it more convenient to shave it all off.
“I always get so hot, if it’s bald,” I confessed, lying in his arms, after our first time that night. “Have I ever told you about the first time? My boyfriend did it.”
I told him the story of my boyfriend shaving it all off, at my request. I was lying on the bed with my legs pulled up and a towel under my hips.
He had a bowl of warm water, shaving cream, shaving knife.
It took forever, and by the time he was done I was hornier than I had ever been in my life.
“We even tried to go for a walk that day, but we turned back because I was so horny at the idea I was completely shaven. I think we had sex for 24 hours straight or so.”
“I would feel a little scared doing that,” Mr.Big remarked. “Shaving you, down there.”
“Well, you’re the experienced one! You guys shave every day!”
“Yes. And it goes wrong occasionally.”
The thought of Mr.Big shaving me, and it hurting and being bloody turned me on so much I immediately wanted to have sex again.
Even the thought of pain made the pleasure all the sweeter.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

La Isla Bonita is the thirty-third chapter from Project M. 

The subscribe button to this diary is somewhere on the right.
or follow Twitter ; or Facebook
NEW connect on Linkedin

BOOK SHOP
Gives a 25% discount on all prices
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

spotlight on:
Het Boek Benjamin
verzameld werk Engels en Nederlands
2006-2016

Een meisje vrijt met een jongen en een homoseksuele man. Naast het overweldigende verlangen, is ze zich hyperbewust van de risico’s. Zal haar lust het winnen van de angst?
Zo opent het magnum opus van LS Harteveld.
Na de coming of age novelle Mango, duik je in het dagboek van een yoga docent. En hier blijken de fictieve karakters uit Mango bestaande personen.
Benjamin keert zelfs boek na boek weer terug. Maar wat is de waarheid?
En wie is Benjamin?
Het laatste boek gaat over haar affaire met een getrouwde man die ze Mr. Big noemt.
Waardoor de vraag rijst; Is hij Benjamin?
Heeft LS Harteveld haar muze in bescherming genomen en zijn identiteit veranderd? Of heeft ze een nieuwe liefde gevonden? Een vrouw leunt over een tafel. Ze is naakt, op haar blinddoek na.
Haar minnaar rekt haar grenzen op tot het uiterste van wat nog passend is, in dit spel der geesten. Misschien gaat hij eroverheen, dat blijft in het midden. Maar 25 jaar na de eerste scene, is één ding duidelijk;
de lust heeft gewonnen.

Levering in Nederland

De goedkoopste manier om mijn werk te kopen is via de uitgeverij – 
In verband met problemen met de pakjesdiensten én mijn eigen postbus,
kan ik helaas geen boeken meer opsturen.

Maar ik heb ze nog wel.
Je kunt hier beneden de beschrijvingen lezen of mijn boeken
bekijken via de webwinkel en daarna bestellen via mail:
onder mijn eigen naam

Suzanne s_beenackers@hotmail.com
Betaling is vooraf via mijn privérekening, en overdracht op het station van Nijmegen.
Signeren gratis uiteraard!

Minimale bestelling € 10
Als je een bon wilt, moet je via de uitgeverij bestellen, en niet via mij.

Hieronder het oeuvre en de prijzen.
alle boeken zijn handzaam A5, behalve Het Boek Benjamin, dat is groot studieboek formaat (soft cover) dat je open moet leggen.

Het Boek Benjamin €45
Verzameld werk boek 1 t/m 8
Beschrijving boven, losse boeken beneden. 

1. Mango, een novelle  €15
Seksuele safari, van de jaren 80 tot de zero’s.
Een stoer, technisch meisje groeit op met alleen een moeder, in de roerige jaren 80. Roken is nog van alle leeftijden, drinken idem, en seks ook zolang je bestand bent tegen voorlichtingsfolders over aids waarbij het woord AIDS in bloedspatten is geschreven.

Dat blijkt helaas teveel van ‘t goede.
Vermengd met een verleden in Afrika, en een overleden vader, ontwikkelt deze arrogante tiener een angststoornis waar geen psycholoog haar bij kan helpen. Maar ze blijft aangetrokken tot mooie jongens en homoseksuele mannen.

2. Dutch American Diary (2008-2009) €15
Yoga teacher Lauren is in love with two men; One cunning wizard and one half her age.
 The affair was secret so Lauren called him; He Who Must Not Be Named. After the dark wizard in the Harry Potter series. She tried to get over this American but after a year she only has her mistakes to show for. Including dating an Israeli spy and a Buddhist photographer.

Now her wizard obsession is back full throttle and the next disaster has already emerged;  an attractive yoga student. Young enough to be her son.
Faced with nothing but diabolic choices, Lauren confides in her best friend; the warm and friendly Lara. Despite having the same nationality as He Who Must Not Be Named, and working at the same office coven, Lara seems to lack his foul nature.
Or does she?
Once you’ve read Dutch American Diary? You’ll never ever in your life make the mistake of messing with a yoga teacher. 
~Dutch American Diary part 1

3. 22 Erotische Verhalen €15
Literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin en Isabel Allende.
Ze komen en gaan; de kleurrijke personages in deze dromerige erotische wereld, waar ze je één verhaal lang deelgenoot maken van hun diepste verlangen en hun ergste pijn. Die vaker wel dan niet op magische wijze met elkaar verbonden blijken.

Grenzen worden genegeerd, lusten gebotvierd, wonden geheeld.
Sinds Anais Nin heeft geen schrijver zo onbevreesd het grijze gebied durven te betreden tussen het verbodene, het gruwelijke en het goddelijke. De lezer krijgt naast onversneden liefde en zinderende ontknopingen, ook een spiegel voorgehouden die je laat zien wat er zich afspeelt in de donkerste delen van je ziel. 

 4. LS Diary (2012-2013) €10
About three dark men and Lauren getting naked on stage. Not necessarily together.
 Being dark, smart, and handsome, a Dutch writer bears the characteristics Lauren only knows  too well. He looks exactly like her male muse and unwanted protagonist in the majority of her writing.

A published writer and sought-after talk show guest, the Dutch writer has succeeded where blogger Lauren is failing year after year. After year. She feels the weight of her unpublished manuscripts, and her failed attempts to become a writer. To make matters worse she already has one ill-natured stalker. As if the liabilities of being famous have preceded its benefits.
Lauren gets her shit together prioritizing her work, ignoring men, sex and stalkers. But will it work?  Star struck Lauren meets the celebrity in real life, and soon enough her supposedly highly efficient sex-free life includes a naked guest appearance on stage, a blow-job in a parking garage and a seven month relationship.
~LS Diary can be read as standalone or as Dutch American Diary part 2

5. De Candystop (2013) €10
Waar de Nederlandse literatuur tot stilstand komt door een Marokkaanse lekkernij.
Getergd door een rits onduidelijke medische klachten, besluit Lauren geen suiker meer te eten, geen Chardonnay meer te nemen, en geen latte macchiato’s meer te drinken.

Na een paar weken is ze zo apathisch dat ze zelfs vergeet te masturberen.
Tot een jonge Marokkaanse god op tv verschijnt die tegen Lauren zegt;
“LauRRRen! WakkeRRR woRRRden! Ik ben ook schRRRijveRRR en ik heb ook een leuk leven!”
Dat is zo. Sam doet de vier s’en. Hij schrijft, hij sport, hij sekst en hij slaapt.
Ineens weet Lauren nog steeds niet waar het naartoe moet met haar leven, maar ze is wel klaarwakker. Zeker als ze erachter komt, dat Sam binnen een week een optreden geeft bij haar om de hoek.
Sam doet haar denken aan een verboden relatie met haar leerling, iets waar ze gemengde gevoelens over heeft. Sam wil die best met haar onderzoeken, maar hij vraag een prijs…

6. Bedtime Stories (2014) €15
Facing her demons and her muse, Lauren’s sexual history gets its worthy finale.
Lauren is corresponding with Elliot, but somewhere between The Netherlands and Vegas, things have stranded. To get their project back on track Lauren resorts to strong measures: making the whole damn thing public.

Sharing eight months of her life, Lauren’s third diary reintroduces all popular characters, such as writer Rafael and his legendary mythical counterpart Benjamin. Young writer Sam and his ghost twin Valentino.
Closing the Dutch American Diary trilogy, the 1991 story lines are finally tied together. With an extremely satisfying ending. Although not in a way anyone saw coming.
 ~LS Diary can be read as standalone or as Dutch American Diary part 3

7. Mirage (2014) €5
Giving you a little dessert, with all gorgeous writers from previous books.
Lauren, the former hedonistic cougar, is home bound, mothering her little ones, sick with worry and about to get dumped by her lover. Together with autumn setting in, Lauren needs her annual Cute Writer Fix more than ever. And this year there’s five of them.
Including a lunch date with the most famous author of the Netherlands; her youth love Henry.
~Mirage can be read as standalone or as the epilogue to the Dutch American Diary trilogy.

8. Big, diaries & erotica (2015-2016)  €20
The crown to Lauren’s life; a secret affair with her Biggie.
Ten years and ten lovers have taught Lauren two things.

One: single life is a disaster.
And two: men suck at anal sex.
So when Mr.Big comes along and succeeds where all the others have failed, Lauren is euphoric. She immediately picks up her pen to write about it, and her first story is indeed called “The Biggie”, about his flawless performance.  
For two years Lauren documents her secret affair with the married business man. She writes about their explosive encounters, her unwavering love, and her powerful insights. Gradually, Lauren changes. From an scarred single, to a woman totally owning her worth and her true nature. Ten years after ending her relationship in order to explore love and sex in all their forms, Lauren Harteveld becomes the ultimate mistress.

los verkrijgbaar, niet in Het Boek Benjamin:

Witte Tijgerin €5
Gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie.
Een Witte Tijgerin is een alleenstaande, onafhankelijke vrouw. Haar contact met mannen is erop gericht dat ze er energie van krijgt. Stel je voor! Nooit meer gehannes met beginnende relaties die het toch nét niet zijn. Nooit meer die morning-after backlash. Geïnspireerd op het klassieke Taoïstische werk De Witte Tijgerin van Hsi Lai, onthult deze gids;
– hoe je de touwtjes in handen houdt
– hoe je je liefdesleven gebruikt voor je plezier
– hoe je met seks je jeugdigheid herstelt.
Hij zal niet kunnen wachten om weer met je af te spreken! 

 

Look of Love

It’s weekend and Lauren’s finally getting lucky. 

Sunglasses and black hair which I knew held single strands of grey. But I couldn’t see that from afar.
He was wearing dark jeans and a high quality white shirt with rolled up sleeves.
I had picked a table in the shadow.
He was looking so handsome I hoped this wasn’t one of those platonic dates, which did spice things up quite a bit. To never know in advance.
When I told him this, after sex, that I was never certain if we would have sex, he said:
“I m never sure either. Sometimes you have your reasons too.”
We had only made love on my period once, which had been the first time we fucked.
It’s an ugly word in this context, but the reason I’m using it, is that we already had a date which had unexpectedly turned so hot I ended up giving a blowjob, and I think he must have fingered me.
I know we didn’t have oral on me, because I didn’t want that with a man I hardly knew.
I had come in for some kissing and cuddling!
And I also know we didn’t fuck because that was definitely a big no-no for me, on well not exactly our first date.
But I knew so little about him.
And if I had known more, it would not have convinced me having sex with this married business man in his forties was a good idea.
He was a player!
With his condo in the city, which he kept on as a real estate investment.
I never responded when people commented it was impossible for his wife not to know he was having sex with me. But I agreed on general terms:
That she knew he had other women.
Not because of the obvious things, like lipstick marks or anything.
But because of the condo.
Of course she knew he had every opportunity.
That she knew, was one of the things I liked about her.
By allowing him space, which he had claimed quite literally in the form of keeping on his bachelor apartment, he could be there for her on other moments.
But I was still intimidated by him.
By his playing not hard to get, but hard to love.
He seemed to separate love, which was home, from sex, which was presumably everybody else.
I didn’t want to fuck him at the first opportunity, for multiple reasons really. Obviously I thought I would get hurt. And that it wouldn’t hurt as bad if we hadn’t “really” had sex.
Maybe I was also afraid he’d lose interest in me if I had sex too soon.
To this day I don’t know if my fate would have been any different if I had not been so intimidated, and had sex sooner.
Very well possible.
It wasn’t a game that I contained myself, and refrained for the most part. And I did give him a blowjob but not before he had made it safe sex friendly, after my initial refusal.
“Okay, and what if we use a condom?” he had asked.
I felt my fear and resistance melt, and looked forward to doing it, actually.
“Great!”
It was one of the many things I appreciated about him. He never took refusals personally, he just tried to figure out what was bothering you, so he could help you overcome it.
Which was of course exactly what made him so dangerous.
Anyway, after that first sexual date, the first time we were together I was on my period. The desire for each other was excruciating by now and to make the decision to fuck even more of a no brainer,
I also had a cold and couldn’t breathe through my nose.
So “only” giving him a blowjob was out of the question, this time.

I was heavily on my period, yet this was going to be The Day.
I had liked the drama of it. All the blood on our first time.
And it had been a great success. His cock and my pussy had been magnetic, that’s how flawless it was. 
We used condoms of course, we still do. But his hard-on had been blood and interruption resistant, and it had been pulled to my pussy like magic.
It just slid right in..

But despite the promising start, I had declined sex ever since, if I was in my period.
At the time, he and his wife were either separated temporarily or wouldn’t see each other for a couple of days.
I can’t remember the details.
And we had been at my house.

So it wasn’t just the excitement of having sex for the first time, which explained why we had had period sex then, but not after.
We usually didn’t have time nor opportunity, for messy encounters. Staining sheets and towels. Or even clothes.
We always made sure he stayed fresh and clean. I didn’t even wear makeup or perfume when I saw him.
So my lover was right.
He too, could never be certain that we would have sex.
I could be the one saying No.
And then if we were having sex? Then there was the thing about anal sex. Which was hardy ever ideal, really. I don’t like cleaning the inside out with water, like an anal douche. I have no idea if you know that exists, but it exists.
It gives me diarrhea.
I ve seen quite a few promising occasions fall to pieces that way, I can say.

So we re dependent on what nature gives us.
But sometimes I do want it, but I’m not sure if it’s a good day. 
And then I get into this strange conversation where I do try to warn him, but without scaring him off.
And then he’ll say, just to check: 
“But you do want it?”
God yes.
That’s the key to anal sex, to me. That he assures me we’ll be alright. Don’t panic.
We did go to his condo, ultimately. And we did have one of those days where we took anal sex as far as I dared to go. 
Which ultimately, left me so hungry for more.
We had sex multiple times, it really wasn’t a quickie.
We even had a nap. Or he did. I lay in his arms and soaked up his presence. The warmth of his embrace, the breath in my hair. The sweet words and the comforting murmuring he uttered, if we shifted a bit.
I looked around, and tried to remember everything about that moment.
The red room.

The first dates had been in the living and I had inquired if “that” was his bedroom, behind that door, and he had said yes.
“But you’re only allowed to go in there if you’re completely naked.”
And that’s how it had happened.
It wasn’t until later that I realized how many women had been here when he had been a bachelor. And still..
It aroused me to think I wasn’t the only one, but it also scared me.

That’s when the condo, but especially the bedroom started to intimidate me. As if I didn’t belong there.
With my open heart, my nerves. Not even with my horniness, my desire to give up control completely.
I didn’t feel I could play at that level of whatever it was the games were played there.
Like I was a little bunny in the lair of the lion.
And yet I was aware that I was the one there, lying in the arms of this charismatic man, in the bedroom with the red walls and the high ceiling.
And I had been here for over three and a half years.
Feeling completely safe and loved.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

Look of Love is the twenty-ninth chapter from Project M. 

Want to know what happens next?
The subscribe button is somewhere on the right.

or follow Twitter ; or Facebook
NEW connect on Linkedin

BOOK SHOP
Gives a 25% discount on all prices
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

spotlight on:
Het Boek Benjamin
verzameld werk Engels en Nederlands
2006-2016

Een meisje vrijt met een jongen en een homoseksuele man. Naast het overweldigende verlangen, is ze zich hyperbewust van de risico’s. Zal haar lust het winnen van de angst?
Zo opent het magnum opus van LS Harteveld.
Na de coming of age novelle Mango, duik je in het dagboek van een yoga docent. En hier blijken de fictieve karakters uit Mango bestaande personen.
Benjamin keert zelfs boek na boek weer terug. Maar wat is de waarheid?
En wie is Benjamin?
Het laatste boek gaat over haar affaire met een getrouwde man die ze Mr. Big noemt.
Waardoor de vraag rijst; Is hij Benjamin?
Heeft LS Harteveld haar muze in bescherming genomen en zijn identiteit veranderd? Of heeft ze een nieuwe liefde gevonden? Een vrouw leunt over een tafel. Ze is naakt, op haar blinddoek na.
Haar minnaar rekt haar grenzen op tot het uiterste van wat nog passend is, in dit spel der geesten. Misschien gaat hij eroverheen, dat blijft in het midden. Maar 25 jaar na de eerste scene, is één ding duidelijk;
de lust heeft gewonnen.

Levering in Nederland

De goedkoopste manier om mijn werk te kopen is via de uitgeverij – 
In verband met problemen met de pakjesdiensten én mijn eigen postbus,
kan ik helaas geen boeken meer opsturen.

Maar ik heb ze nog wel.
Je kunt hier beneden de beschrijvingen lezen of mijn boeken
bekijken via de webwinkel en daarna bestellen via mail:
onder mijn eigen naam

Suzanne s_beenackers@hotmail.com
Betaling is vooraf via mijn privérekening, en overdracht op het station van Nijmegen.
Signeren gratis uiteraard!

Minimale bestelling € 10
Als je een bon wilt, moet je via de uitgeverij bestellen, en niet via mij.

Hieronder het oeuvre en de prijzen.
alle boeken zijn handzaam A5, behalve Het Boek Benjamin, dat is groot studieboek formaat (soft cover) dat je open moet leggen.

Het Boek Benjamin €45
Verzameld werk boek 1 t/m 8
Beschrijving boven, losse boeken beneden. 

1. Mango, een novelle  €15
Seksuele safari, van de jaren 80 tot de zero’s.
Een stoer, technisch meisje groeit op met alleen een moeder, in de roerige jaren 80. Roken is nog van alle leeftijden, drinken idem, en seks ook zolang je bestand bent tegen voorlichtingsfolders over aids waarbij het woord AIDS in bloedspatten is geschreven.

Dat blijkt helaas teveel van ‘t goede.
Vermengd met een verleden in Afrika, en een overleden vader, ontwikkelt deze arrogante tiener een angststoornis waar geen psycholoog haar bij kan helpen. Maar ze blijft aangetrokken tot mooie jongens en homoseksuele mannen.

2. Dutch American Diary (2008-2009) €15
Yoga teacher Lauren is in love with two men; One cunning wizard and one half her age.
 The affair was secret so Lauren called him; He Who Must Not Be Named. After the dark wizard in the Harry Potter series. She tried to get over this American but after a year she only has her mistakes to show for. Including dating an Israeli spy and a Buddhist photographer.

Now her wizard obsession is back full throttle and the next disaster has already emerged;  an attractive yoga student. Young enough to be her son.
Faced with nothing but diabolic choices, Lauren confides in her best friend; the warm and friendly Lara. Despite having the same nationality as He Who Must Not Be Named, and working at the same office coven, Lara seems to lack his foul nature.
Or does she?
Once you’ve read Dutch American Diary? You’ll never ever in your life make the mistake of messing with a yoga teacher. 
~Dutch American Diary part 1

3. 22 Erotische Verhalen €15
Literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin en Isabel Allende.
Ze komen en gaan; de kleurrijke personages in deze dromerige erotische wereld, waar ze je één verhaal lang deelgenoot maken van hun diepste verlangen en hun ergste pijn. Die vaker wel dan niet op magische wijze met elkaar verbonden blijken.

Grenzen worden genegeerd, lusten gebotvierd, wonden geheeld.
Sinds Anais Nin heeft geen schrijver zo onbevreesd het grijze gebied durven te betreden tussen het verbodene, het gruwelijke en het goddelijke. De lezer krijgt naast onversneden liefde en zinderende ontknopingen, ook een spiegel voorgehouden die je laat zien wat er zich afspeelt in de donkerste delen van je ziel. 

 4. LS Diary (2012-2013) €10
About three dark men and Lauren getting naked on stage. Not necessarily together.
 Being dark, smart, and handsome, a Dutch writer bears the characteristics Lauren only knows  too well. He looks exactly like her male muse and unwanted protagonist in the majority of her writing.

A published writer and sought-after talk show guest, the Dutch writer has succeeded where blogger Lauren is failing year after year. After year. She feels the weight of her unpublished manuscripts, and her failed attempts to become a writer. To make matters worse she already has one ill-natured stalker. As if the liabilities of being famous have preceded its benefits.
Lauren gets her shit together prioritizing her work, ignoring men, sex and stalkers. But will it work?  Star struck Lauren meets the celebrity in real life, and soon enough her supposedly highly efficient sex-free life includes a naked guest appearance on stage, a blow-job in a parking garage and a seven month relationship.
~LS Diary can be read as standalone or as Dutch American Diary part 2

5. De Candystop (2013) €10
Waar de Nederlandse literatuur tot stilstand komt door een Marokkaanse lekkernij.
Getergd door een rits onduidelijke medische klachten, besluit Lauren geen suiker meer te eten, geen Chardonnay meer te nemen, en geen latte macchiato’s meer te drinken.

Na een paar weken is ze zo apathisch dat ze zelfs vergeet te masturberen.
Tot een jonge Marokkaanse god op tv verschijnt die tegen Lauren zegt;
“LauRRRen! WakkeRRR woRRRden! Ik ben ook schRRRijveRRR en ik heb ook een leuk leven!”
Dat is zo. Sam doet de vier s’en. Hij schrijft, hij sport, hij sekst en hij slaapt.
Ineens weet Lauren nog steeds niet waar het naartoe moet met haar leven, maar ze is wel klaarwakker. Zeker als ze erachter komt, dat Sam binnen een week een optreden geeft bij haar om de hoek.
Sam doet haar denken aan een verboden relatie met haar leerling, iets waar ze gemengde gevoelens over heeft. Sam wil die best met haar onderzoeken, maar hij vraag een prijs…

6. Bedtime Stories (2014) €15
Facing her demons and her muse, Lauren’s sexual history gets its worthy finale.
Lauren is corresponding with Elliot, but somewhere between The Netherlands and Vegas, things have stranded. To get their project back on track Lauren resorts to strong measures: making the whole damn thing public.

Sharing eight months of her life, Lauren’s third diary reintroduces all popular characters, such as writer Rafael and his legendary mythical counterpart Benjamin. Young writer Sam and his ghost twin Valentino.
Closing the Dutch American Diary trilogy, the 1991 story lines are finally tied together. With an extremely satisfying ending. Although not in a way anyone saw coming.
 ~LS Diary can be read as standalone or as Dutch American Diary part 3

7. Mirage (2014) €5
Giving you a little dessert, with all gorgeous writers from previous books.
Lauren, the former hedonistic cougar, is home bound, mothering her little ones, sick with worry and about to get dumped by her lover. Together with autumn setting in, Lauren needs her annual Cute Writer Fix more than ever. And this year there’s five of them.
Including a lunch date with the most famous author of the Netherlands; her youth love Henry.
~Mirage can be read as standalone or as the epilogue to the Dutch American Diary trilogy.

8. Big, diaries & erotica (2015-2016)  €20
The crown to Lauren’s life; a secret affair with her Biggie.
Ten years and ten lovers have taught Lauren two things.

One: single life is a disaster.
And two: men suck at anal sex.
So when Mr.Big comes along and succeeds where all the others have failed, Lauren is euphoric. She immediately picks up her pen to write about it, and her first story is indeed called “The Biggie”, about his flawless performance.  
For two years Lauren documents her secret affair with the married business man. She writes about their explosive encounters, her unwavering love, and her powerful insights. Gradually, Lauren changes. From an scarred single, to a woman totally owning her worth and her true nature. Ten years after ending her relationship in order to explore love and sex in all their forms, Lauren Harteveld becomes the ultimate mistress.

los verkrijgbaar, niet in Het Boek Benjamin:

Witte Tijgerin €5
Gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie.
Een Witte Tijgerin is een alleenstaande, onafhankelijke vrouw. Haar contact met mannen is erop gericht dat ze er energie van krijgt. Stel je voor! Nooit meer gehannes met beginnende relaties die het toch nét niet zijn. Nooit meer die morning-after backlash. Geïnspireerd op het klassieke Taoïstische werk De Witte Tijgerin van Hsi Lai, onthult deze gids;
– hoe je de touwtjes in handen houdt
– hoe je je liefdesleven gebruikt voor je plezier
– hoe je met seks je jeugdigheid herstelt.
Hij zal niet kunnen wachten om weer met je af te spreken! 

 

A Porn Star Love Life

Steve Holmes and Stoya

My love for porn started with Stoya.
But after watching every interview with her, and reading all her newsletters, yet still only sporadically watching her movies, I realized that it had little to do with porn.
And that the only thing  that had started with my love for Stoya, was my love for Stoya.
Then I thought I had really fallen for porn again, after seeing Steve Holmes.
Until of course I realized that the only thing I had fallen for, was Steve Holmes.
Steve is more often than not cast as a sadist, a dominant or some other deviant middle aged man. When on his YouTube channel – where he interviews the talent before and after their scene with him –  he confesses that for him seeing a girl naked is more than enough to be happy and have a good time.
Steve Holmes is so charming and sweet with all the girls he interviews. He gives a little kiss on a naked knee, frequently apologizes that his English is not so good (Steve is German), and I just know he is the perfect man to try out all the stuff you would never dare ask a normal man.
I know we will never hear bad stories about him #metoo-ing his way through porn land. He puts every woman at ease, even when she’s contractually obliged to have sex with him.
And Steve is married!
Isn’t that a nice thought, that this man just goes back to his wife at the end of the day. I would marry him, too. I love the idea of a man bringing in the sexual energy into a relationship!

2622-1x
Stoya’s series Around the world in 80 Ways. The episode with Steve Holmes is Paris, Tourist Style

And although I haven’t shared much about my love for Stoya here: I nurture similar sympathetic feelings for her. Although less sexual, because I’m straight. But Stoya could be my best friend, and we would talk cats, because she has the sweetest cat in the world. His name is Pixel because he only has one eye.
And Stoya is a writer too.
So, despite me always thinking I’m going after the porn, and am motivated by my twisted preferences, in the end I immediately forget about all of that and get stuck in the tenderness and cuteness of it all.
I m sure this does explain why I need a man to bring in the sexual energy. Because I drop that ball at the sight of the first one-eyed-cat.

Yesterday I went to see friends and they made me dinner. And I talked about Steve Holmes and how good he was with women. And somehow, in that same conversation, I had the most amazing revelation.
It was an interesting perspective.
I am currently in a secret relationship with a married man. We’ve been “together” (we see each other very little) for three and a half years.
And I ve always wondered what I would do if this ended.
My most recent decision was that I would not date anyone for a while because I m focused on my business at the moment. But after that I would create the exact same thing: I would sign up for the dating site Second Love, and become a mistress to another married man.
But somehow praising Steve Holmes sparked a new idea:
to start working in porn, instead of getting a new relationship.
I can’t tell you how happy that thought made me.
Every good habit around keeping my body in mint condition, and every resolution about losing weight and doing yoga daily, immediately fell into place.
Suddenly there was a reason to do all those things.
When last week my lover proposed a date, on a day I was fully booked and couldn’t possibly make it, I realized that even if I could make it?
I didn’t have time for ALL the grooming I had to do in order to be the least bit fuckable. My lover is more a Steve Holmes kind of guy: he will enjoy me naked in any shape or form.
But I need to be freshly showered, shaved and trimmed in order to feel like it.
So I did all that anyway, the day after. When I did have time. And I realized I had no reason to pay attention to my body. I wasn’t having sex. And if I m not having sex, I just lose interest in taking care of myself.
Grooming wise, but also sports or dieting.
I just can’t be bothered.
So the prospect of getting a career in porn as a middle aged woman?
That was a thrilling idea!
I could see myself FINALLY cleaning up my act! And saying enough is enough! I m gonna lose weight, moisturize every day, trim, shave, wax, be absolutely fuckable 24/7 and live a porn star life starting NOW!
I went to bed happy and excited that I had so much good stuff waiting for me.
Naturally, I wanted to masturbate to celebrate. But I didn’t really know what to fantasize about. I had masturbated to my lover Mr.Big for years, but a month or so ago, I had decided that I wasn’t going to do that anymore.
That I couldn’t afford to make my self-love dependent on the man who was already a liability in my real love life. If that ever ended, I needed my masturbation routine to go on, unharmed by our breakup. So that wasn’t an option.
Then, much to my own surprise I must say, I suddenly thought about someone about whom I have not written in ages. In fact, I have so dropped out of the habit of speaking about him in recent years, that I don’t feel like sharing his name here.
But it was someone I deeply cared for, and longed for. And of course, ultimately still do. Desire doesn’t have an end date.
So I thought about being in bed with him, and making love, and although we were a bit deviant (hey! it’s my fantasy, what did you expect!) it was most of all completely, utterly loving and trusting and emotional and maybe a bit heartbreaking too.
Because it had never happened in real life, and maybe it never would.
I fell asleep rethinking my resolution to go into porn if Big and I were ever over. I realized porn was not the answer. It had never been.
I had simply been drawn to it because Steve Holmes had made it look as if it was the best and most likely place, to find love.

Open ending

I wish I knew where the story goes from here… and yet, isn’t that the great thing about life? That we don’t know?
Subscribe for my next adventure.
The Follow button is somewhere on this page.
Have you found it?
You can buy my erotica and diaries at my new improved shop (English books, might have to scroll down)

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

Twitter
or Facebook

These are my English titles:
Dutch American Diary 2008-2009  €15
LS Diary 2012-2013                                € 10
Bedtime Stories 2014                            €15
Mirage 2014                                               €5
Big, diaries and erotica 2015-2016 € 20
Get a 25% discount on all prices in the shop.
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

De volgende Nederlandse boeken
zijn ook op voorraad bij boekhandel de Feeks in Nijmegen
verzending gratis v.a. € 17,50

Het Boek Benjamin           € 45
verzameld werk NL en Engels.
Het enige boek dat hier niet inzit is Witte Tijgerin, dus mijn andere Nederlandse boeken zitten hier wél in.

Mango                                 €15
coming of age novelle

22 erotische verhalen   € 15
literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin

Witte Tijgerin                  €5
gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie

All the way down. Fast.

unseen footage of my lover Mr.Big taking me all the way down in an elevator

The strangest, most disturbing thing in my week of anxiety attacks were the flashes.
It was how a movie would show that someone is overworked:
Images, totally unrelated, flashed before my eyes. Like a slide show on acid.
I never had those.
I was familiar with anxiety, or with hearing music or a beep in your ears if you’ve been listening to your ipod too much. Or attended a concert.
Familiar with the rollercoaster going on in your stomach after visiting a theme park. Or even with the imaginary rollercoaster after drinking too much.
I was familiar with the residue of the day, going on and on, hammering your senses. But I had never re-experienced a day I never had. With images I never saw before, popping up with stroboscopic speed the moment you closed your eyes.
And I didn’t like it.
But of course I accepted it.
Like I accepted all signs of my whole being kicking into panic mode, after changing my yoga business from group classes to privates. It was a process, it was all just change. And I took pride in knowing I was not running away from this.
I had also made my peace with my sex life being practically non-existent, simply because my lover was basically non-existent. He was probably still very much present in the lives of his loved ones but I had no way of telling.
Aside from a nice platonic date, we had two weeks ago (and on which he didn’t offer any other explanation than the usual “busy” one), I didn’t know what was going on in his life.
Although rebuilding my business, and him being barely present in my life, were two separate reasons I was living a life without pleasure, I did suspect my business or new life may even cost me the last opportunity I had seeing my lover.
Because for the last year or so, Mr.Big had barely ever offered to see me at nighttime. He usually suggested something within hours, and on weekdays.
Something I would soon not be able to accommodate.
The perk of teaching privates versus groups was that I would shift to, well; actually making money!
Lol.
But also to working regular hours.
And I still had two nights of group classes as well.
Putting my entire workload on weekdays and nights, with the exception of two  nights off, meant that I could really take time off on weekends.
But the weekends would not be good for my lover Mr.Big.
First of all because he had never invited me over on weekends. With a few exceptions, which were all in our first year.
And secondly, if he would want to see me then, it would probably be last minute and I would already have other plans.
Getting my new business on the road could be seen as exciting, or a necessity; as an opportunity or as a SURE THING this was gonna build me an empire.
But the first thing I really saw was how my new business was the death verdict for our affair.
The thing that would kill it.
Yet, it was still a no-brainer. The new company would happen, regardless.
Because there wasn’t an available choice that could prevent this.
The only career that would allow me to keep the same level of availability, was if I would make money as a writer, working from home. A career that was one I didn’t even aspire… not really! I mean I love writing (see me go!) but to write for money is an entire different ball game. I would never want to literally write FOR money – meaning under contract. Because it would mean I had to write something somebody else wanted to sell.
And not what I want to create.
So that’s not an option.
Then the second option is to start living from selling my diaries and erotica. I still might push that more. One day… I don’t know. But before I sell so many books that it makes me a full income is both an incredible leap, and it’s something that I could also work next to having a “real” job.
As a side hustle.
Becoming a successful writer will always remain an option, regardless of how my life looks.
With writing out of the way, as the only “career” choice that would sustain my current super available, flexible status, I don’t have to think about what it means to me that my new business might finish off my relationship.
A new normal job would have done the same thing.
And yet, if we’re meant to be we’re meant to be. It can only be the death of it, if there is not enough left to keep it going in the first place. So also from that perspective there is nothing that can be prevented. Nor counted upon.
But still, I didn’t look forward to actually having to say “No”, if he asked me out on a last minute date.
I was afraid it would look like I was punishing him or something. Playing games. Not that there’s anything wrong with declining all dates that are not booked at least 24 hours in advance. That is actually a great rule.
Just not one I live by!
🙂
Anyway, with that bleak future hanging over us, or at least the threat of a new stage in our relationship which we may or may not be able to make it work, I was enjoying my last week as Ms. Available.
Even my two weekends, the last one and the current one, had remained open to the very last minute. As if I wanted to fully suck up the freedom and endless possibilities that had been My Life for years at this point.
There was only one day, one out of nine, that was completely full. Double booked even. First I would teach, then have lunch with my students, clean the yoga studio, attend an opening, and finally a dinner party at night.
Ultimately I chose to cancel on the opening.
My anxiety attacks had climaxed that night and I didn’t have any sleep.
I needed to get to bed for a nap, so that I would be able to attend the dinner.
And it was on this morning that I got a message.
From my lover.
To meet.
At noon.
And it contained the best date proposal in for as long as I can remember. With a cute joke, and a loving reference to something we had said we had wanted to do together.
And I was like.
FUCK.
BIG FUCK.
JESUS CHRIST HOW IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE FUCK.
And I knew that I had been right. That we had entered the new stage in our relationship where I would no longer be able to accommodate his last minute invitations. No matter how tempting they were, and no matter how much I wanted to say yes.
That this new life of mine was going to ask me to give it all up for my work. My social life (I barely saw friends at this stage). My sex life. My freedom.
Maybe I would even have to work the weekends I had so carefully blocked out.
I had no idea how much would be asked of me to make my business work, but I knew for certain, with that text coming in at the one day where I couldn’t make it, that it was required of me to be willing to give it all up.
To go all in.
To lose, and to give, and to invest, and to see the ground being swept from underneath me. With everything I valued on it.
I slept like a baby that night.
There were no more stroboscopic slide shows. No more heart pains. No more trembling and no more fears.
But there was the feeling of falling, of letting go. Of sex. Of surrendering. Of being taken brutally, by my lover. Of completely giving in to our most deviant sexual fantasies. Or maybe I should say to “my” most deviant sexual fantasies.
It was like a porn movie, with me in it.
And him.
Bringing me all, ALL the way down.

To be continued..

Want to know how if my life really is, or isn’t, going to be as sexless as I feared?
So do I!
LOL
Find the Subscribe or Follow button somewhere on this page.
Have you found it?
You can buy my erotica and diaries at my new improved shop (English books, might have to scroll down)

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

Twitter
or Facebook

These are my English titles:
Dutch American Diary 2008-2009  €15
LS Diary 2012-2013                                € 10
Bedtime Stories 2014                            €15
Mirage 2014                                               €5
Big, diaries and erotica 2015-2016 € 20
Get a 25% discount on all prices in the shop.
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

De volgende Nederlandse boeken
zijn ook op voorraad bij boekhandel de Feeks in Nijmegen
verzending gratis v.a. € 17,50

Het Boek Benjamin           € 45
verzameld werk NL en Engels.
Het enige boek dat hier niet inzit is Witte Tijgerin, dus mijn andere Nederlandse boeken zitten hier wél in.

Mango                                 €15
coming of age novelle

22 erotische verhalen   € 15
literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin

Witte Tijgerin                  €5
gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie

Raising my standards: sex and one proper date a week. With myself if I have to.

You know what the crappy thing is about sexual awakenings?
Or as was the case with me, a sexual wake-up call by a rockstar writer oozing youth, and health, and OMG gimme that!!
(damn it’s been way too long)
The crappy thing is, it won’t go back to sleep. Not even by masturbating, which I did try, and which was kind of a milestone experience because for the first time in years I didn’t masturbate to my secret lover Mr.Big.
But I’m getting ahead of myself. I insist on sticking to the correct order of things. Which actually, may have started weeks ago. Before I even knew I was going to see the young writer.
Mr.Big wanted to call me.
Which was odd, because he barely ever calls me. And this time in particular, I felt like it wasn’t good. I looked forward to hearing his voice, but I was on my guard.
It sounded suspicious.
But I was wrong.
We had a lovely phone conversation. The content was friendly though, not sexual. But that was to be expected: we weren’t the phone sex type. We didn’t even text sexy messages, working up to seeing each other.
Our relationship was always as if it had never existed and still had to start. As if we were still in the phase of not admitting we really liked each other.
It was one of the many things I appreciated about being his secret mistress; I never felt like he took me for granted. And I certainly never took him for granted either. I knew the risks he took by seeing me, and that I would always be a liability.
It wasn’t that I didn’t know my worth as a lover; it was that I was painfully aware I came at the price of risking it all.
Maybe I didn’t get the long end of the stick, seeing so little of the man I love, but at least I didn’t have to juggle either. My price for being infatuated, perpetually in love year after year – something no man I had slept with had ever achieved – was that it could be over and done with at any time.
And on the day of the call, I feared we were done for.
But we weren’t.
Maybe he had changed his mind, or maybe he really did just want a chat because he was so busy didn’t want to neglect me. But I enjoyed it.
Yet I haven’t seen him since.
So when I saw the young rockstar writer, whose presence was an energetic wake-up call, like:
“Hello! Lady! Where’s your sex life?”
I had already been asking myself that same question. And doubt had started to creep in: Had Mr.Big been wanting to break up with me?
And/or was he doing that now by simply not arranging a new date?
Did it mean something, that I didn’t see him?
And even if that didn’t mean anything else than all the times before – which was that there was stuff going on at work, family, or with himself – even if that positive scenario was the case, which didn’t have anything to do with me, how long was that going to be enough?
What exactly, was my bottom line when it came to being monogamous? A status I liked, that’s not the point. I don’t like the idea of another lover. But honestly?
If I didn’t appear to be having a minimum date or sex requirement, then wasn’t it about time that I started to think about the ultimate consequences of this?
Should I perhaps end it myself, to make room for someone who would be able to see me regularly? Or was that too drastic?
Should I get a second lover then?
Or was that out of my league, and was I incapable of setting up something on the side. I had never managed to do it in the past. Not even when I was with my long-term relationship, and getting an affair would have had the potential to save our entire relationship.
Even then I couldn’t, despite trying. It was like my advances bounced off of every man I set eyes on. I had never felt so unloved.
So then what?
Was I going to come up with a Plan B, or did I intend to keep suffering every time my needs weren’t met and I was kept in uncertainty about my fate?
My first instinct was to call Mr.Big. Yet after chewing over that plan for a while, I dismissed it. It would only throw us back to the quarreling of our first months. With me wanting something, and him making a point of not being able to give it.
And besides: the whole problem is being caused by me not taking responsibility for my own sex life. As long as I insist on being monogamous, the consequence is that I m dependent on someONE else to supply it.
And I ve always believed this to be true for marriages as well, which is why I’m pro-mistresses and pro-lovers.
“Cheating” is a sign of taking responsibility for your own sex life and releasing your partner of that task. You’re giving your partner back as much time for himself, or herself, as he or she needs to figure things out. And offer the option to never have sex again with you. And if he or she doesn’t want you to cheat, then you don’t tell.
Some call that lying, I call it courteous.
I would even call it saving the relationship.
And I felt that right now, the time had come to save my relationship with Mr.Big by starting to take care of myself. It wasn’t healthy that my body sighed, and moaned, during yoga because then at least it experienced something.
Anywhere.
It wasn’t healthy that my final years of being fertile and juicy, were wasted having sex far less than once a month.
It was downright appalling.
And whatever reason I thought I had – me being monogamous, me being absolutely over the moon about Mr.Big, me having been terribly unsuccessful in the past in getting a second lover, and needing nine freaking years after ending my long term relationship before I finally, FINALLY, found my ultimate lover Mr.Big –
those reasons were no longer fucking valid.
Not if I wanted an average sex life.
But especially not if I wanted an absolutely amazing sex life.
Seeing the young rockstar writer taught me that.
So today when I masturbated, I hesitated.. For years I had masturbated exclusively to Mr.Big. It was something that I had consciously chosen to do, after an early attempt to break free from him. According to instructions from a program to attract the man of your dreams, I was supposed to masturbate thinking about “my dream lover”.
Yet it always resulted in thinking about Mr.Big.
Until I stopped fighting it, and gave in, and did it only with him in mind.
But now I felt it was important to stop doing that. If I did keep masturbating to Mr.Big I would keep affirming that he was the only one. When from now on, I wouldn’t exclude anything, any more.
It was a bit odd, but I managed, and I was fine. Everything still functioned, even without thinking about him.
And I’m going to create dates for myself. I ve thought about joining a dating site, but I wasn’t feeling like it. Perhaps, not feeling like it yet?
But I m going to start, by dating the men I already know, or maybe new men I meet. Or I m going to take myself on dates; grooming and dressing well and taking good care of myself.
Blocking my calendar, planning in advance. I so missed that, all the anticipation. I m going to visualize and plan, at least one date every week.
Even if this is just me taking myself some place nice.
And I’m also going to time block staying in and having sex, once a week. Again, I will go solo if I need to. But maybe I don’t need to.
Who knows what will happen.
But those are my new standards, from now on forward.
And the hows or the whos, will just need figure themselves out.
Because I’m not going to do that anymore.

See you the next time around

I will make sure my life stays interesting and share all the good stuff.
The subscribe or follow button for these stories is somewhere on this page.
Have you found it?

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

Twitter
or Facebook

These are my English titles:
Dutch American Diary 2008-2009  €15
LS Diary 2012-2013                                € 10
Bedtime Stories 2014                            €15
Mirage 2014                                               €5
Big, diaries and erotica 2015-2016 € 20
Get a 25% discount on all prices in the shop.
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

De volgende Nederlandse boeken
zijn ook op voorraad bij boekhandel de Feeks in Nijmegen
verzending gratis v.a. € 17,50

Het Boek Benjamin           € 45
verzameld werk NL en Engels.
Het enige boek dat hier niet inzit is Witte Tijgerin, dus mijn andere Nederlandse boeken zitten hier wél in.

Mango                                 €15
coming of age novelle

22 erotische verhalen   € 15
literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin

Witte Tijgerin                  €5
gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie

A Rockstar Writer and a Sexual Wake-up Call

I knew something was off, when during the occasional yoga practice my body started responding to ANY movement, with a sexual groan or a sigh or an “Oh my God that feels good.”
But today I had the in-person sexual wake-up call from the same man who kicked me out of hibernation five years ago; a young rockstar writer who was doing his book tour.
Which in America would mean readers waiting in line, hoping for an autograph and over the moon with personal attention.
But in The Netherlands book signings are a pretty lonely place to be. I assume they’re merely are a token of goodwill to the bookstores and the four fans who knew you were coming.
And that’s me estimating, four people. Because he told me I wasn’t the only one, and I got there halfway during the signing. With one or two people before me, and one or two after me, that makes four.
Due to their deserted nature, these book signings are usually an immense treat for the few fans who do show up! The author has all the time in the world, and in this case he knew exactly who I was. We met when his debut novel was published, and stayed in touch ever since.
He was The Rockstar Writer; whose driven voice and high sexual energy had shook me out of sexual inertia, years ago.
And I was The Blogger, who had written a book about him(Dutch).
In the past few years we ran into each other occasionally, when I visited book events. But he had not done any tours since then. So this was our reunion.
He was taller than I remembered. I must have been wearing high heels the last time. And he’s bigger than me as well, because he works out daily or something. He has pecs you can crack walnuts on.
Yet, I had forgotten what his physical presence was like.
Which is strange, because he looks good “on paper” too.
Photographers love him, and he always gives entertaining interviews for radio and tv. And he also shows his true emotions, which are usually raw.
His debut novel backfired with turmoil among certain groups, and caused a personal drama.
And this time too, the book backfired with turmoil among certain groups, and was followed by a personal drama.
I asked him about it. Was it true, what he had said in that interview?
It was.
How sad to go through personal loss the moment you publish a book. Twice.
Now he is a winner, he’s tough. But still, I feel for him.
Anyway, that’s not what I was going to say.
What I meant was: I assumed I knew his “energy”. Especially because he’s exactly the same in the media, as he is in person. And yet, the experience of him, is something you cannot prepare yourself for. I would compare it to standing next to a nuclear sexual bomb.
Totally contained! We didn’t even flirt. And yet it was impossible not to feel his true strength; an infinite well of blatant ambition, push-forward energy, and for certain, sexual zest.
If anyone else would pick up on it, entire crowds would be swirling around him, to spend a minute in that aura.
In India there are several Gurus whose presence is considered divine. People have all kinds of holy experiences attending their lectures or being in their presence. Sometimes even getting a hug.
Those Gurus who hug have waiting lines that can be up to a day!
Anyway, there are times I wonder, why Westerners can have these experiences, can pick on somebody else’s energy, when it’s from an Indian Guru? Yet in real life, they seem oblivious to human energy the strength of a small army.
Even when it’s from the most successful young writer of our country, with a background that put him up against the odds of ever achieving anything in life.
I would say that pretty much gave him away: how could he possibly attain that level of success without wanting it more than anybody else?
Without getting up e-v’ry-time he was down?
He couldn’t.
And it was in these five to ten minutes, talking to the writer, that I could feel my lack of energy in all those areas.
My lack of ambition; I m back to treating writing as a hobby even.
My flaky lust; I haven’t seen my secret married lover for so long, I’m not even sure I have a place in his life anymore.
I felt my lack of will to live.
Sure: when all is fine, all is fine. And thankfully, after going through a rough couple of weeks, everything IS fine. Thank God.
But when did I ever try to get up when I was down?
Never.
When did I ever get myself a lover when Mr.Big was occupied?
Never.
When did I ever REALLY pursue a career in writing?
Never.
He was the mirror image of all the things I wasn’t, and that no one could go get for me. If I wanted to be that unstoppable, that healthy, that success driven and even remotely sexually satisfied? I would have to change my ways. He was just an example that it could be done.
And the rest, was up to me.

See you the next time around

I will make sure my life stays interesting and share all the good stuff.
The subscribe or follow button for these stories is somewhere on this page.
Have you found it?

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

Twitter
or Facebook

These are my English titles:
Dutch American Diary 2008-2009  €15
LS Diary 2012-2013                                € 10
Bedtime Stories 2014                            €15
Mirage 2014                                               €5
Big, diaries and erotica 2015-2016 € 20
Get a 25% discount on all prices in the shop.
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

De volgende Nederlandse boeken
zijn ook op voorraad bij boekhandel de Feeks in Nijmegen
verzending gratis v.a. € 17,50

Het Boek Benjamin           € 45
verzameld werk NL en Engels.
Het enige boek dat hier niet inzit is Witte Tijgerin, dus mijn andere Nederlandse boeken zitten hier wél in.

Mango                                 €15
coming of age novelle

22 erotische verhalen   € 15
literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin

Witte Tijgerin                  €5
gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie

The Mistress Manifesto: in praise of an unknown sexual preference

*mistress means a woman who falls in love with married men*

I’ve once heard Yoko One screwed it up for mistresses. That it was either her snatching John away from his wife or, more likely, her snatching him away from the Beatles, that marked the end of an era where having a mistress, and I assume also being one, was probably one of the more uncommon relationships, but it wasn’t unheard of. And it certainly wasn’t demonized, the way it is now.
I have one friend, only one, who knows a former and lifelong mistress. This now elderly woman had a relationship that stretched decades. With the same man. Until he died. And just like my lover he was married with children.
Like so many married men with children before him.
I’m not going to pretend being a mistress is the only unknown sexual preference: you can easily argue that being a man who needs a mistress is equally uncommon.
Uncommon meaning that he can be easily mistaken, first of all by himself, for a man who doesn’t have a good marriage. Or a man who has commitment issues.
He can be mistaken for a man who likes to cheat and fool around.
All things which do not have to be the case.
He can simply be a man, hard wired to love two women at the same time. And who has a choice to abstain. Or to not. But who can’t change himself anymore than anyone who is gay can make himself be straight.
And if we switch the genders around, with a man in the role of the mistress, and the woman in the role of a wife with a secret lover, two new sexual or psychological profiles pop-up.
So no.
I m not going to make a whole song and dance about “The Mistress” being the most misunderstood, sexual lifeform. But it is the only one that I am.
And the only one that I can talk about from experience.
Both the experience of joy when embracing, and understanding, your sexual preference. As well as the sadness and the loneliness of knowing that no matter how open-minded  people say they are when it comes to sex, their minds will barely ever stretch far enough to include you.
And it will probably never include you, unless you start dating a married man who is open and honest about dating you. Because then you can belong to the poly-amorous people.
It won’t include you, unless you choose a man who lives alone, and what you have qualifies as a LAT relationship.
It won’t include you, unless you keep it at seeing someone just a few times, and what you had can count as a mistake.
And even if you are having sex with a married man? As long as you’re not in love, you can still get away with it. You simply have a friend with benefits. A married friend, but still. Pretty harmless.
To understand why the mistress, as well as the other sexual orientations I briefly mentioned, are not some flawed-something-else, but genuine sexual orientations that can never be fully fulfilled in any other type of relationship form,  there are two aspects to sex and relationships that need to be understood.
Liking it secret and liking competition.

First, secrecy. Both of the relationship itself, as well as within any love relationship. I’m sure this whole idea of transparency and honestly, and two partners communicating all the time, must have been a good idea at some point in time. But as a mistress I almost feel like it is my personal mission to convince people to start having MORE secrets from each other. And here it comes: ESPECIALLY if you are in a monogamous relationship.
Look.
Let’s look at this with a fresh pair of eyes.
If you think your relationship will benefit from you being honest about that you want to date multiple people or whatever, because you think that it prevents getting into trouble over it in the future (it won’t, but okay) Go right ahead.
But if you both know that most likely, both of you will not be very adventurous and outgoing with other people, then PLEASE!
Keep secrets.
Don’t tell the other person where you’re going.
Be mysterious.
I once talked to a Catholic Priest and he was really modern because he said that it wasn’t his job to convince people God existed. It was his job to preserve the mystery. Well, whatever is good enough for Jesus is good enough for you.
I honestly think, at least in the Netherlands, the moral righteousness of looking for “the truth” can be directly linked to the Netherlands’ official religion being protestant. And therefor “truth” biased.
It is my personal opinion that we need to start taking a very hard look at ourselves why we ever thought “honesty” was a virtue.
Isn’t this what we crave for:
To be seen.
To be looked after.
To be cared for.
But also, the other way around:
To see.
To admire.
To gush over.
To love.
To support.
Where now, is honesty? Nowhere. Honesty, is completely irrelevant in the list of all the things we truly desire. But because we are afraid to ask for what we truly desire, we come up with some kind of monstrous binary measurement system, in which all the people who are honest are on the good side. And all the people who aren’t are the bad guys.
For me personally, if me telling my story as a mistress, would only lead to normal monogamous relationships bringing back the mystery into their relationships, and start appreciating each other based on the things that make all human beings happy as fuck?
My mission is accomplished.
Keeping secrets from each other, about actual events and also about your emotional life, is a way to keep the mystery in, the garbage out, and to honor the sacredness of your relationship.

The second aspect of secrecy is of course the secrecy of the relationship itself. Which is not something that can be duplicated in a normal relationship. Many relationships go through that phase of: “Are we something? Should we tell the others? Or are we just having three day sex sessions like any normal adult would do when giving the chance?”
And I don’t think it’s just the not knowing, that makes us cautious to tell the good news to the world. I think it’s also because we know that we will lose something with it. Sure. Initially, there is that thrill of excitement, of sharing the news. And showing up in public together. It’s absolutely intoxicating. Even now, as a mistress, I know fully well that if it had not been for the fact that he’s married and we can never make such public displays of affection, I would have gone that route.
It is practically impossible to “make yourself” have a secret relationship, and keep yourself from going public with it at some point, unless there is a massively important reason why you can’t.
Being a mistress is the only relationship form with built-in secrecy.
Secrecy that evaporates in normal relationships, the moment you come out and present yourself to the world as a couple. And the thrill of being a couple turns out to be short lived. I remember so vividly the feeling of loss, when after keeping the relationship with my college sweetheart a secret for over half a year (we had our reasons, it wasn’t because we were involved) we came out as a couple.
But then again: I “am” a mistress, meaning I have a certain set of preferences surrounding sexuality and relationships. So this loss of secrecy will probably not be experienced so strongly, by those who thrive in normal relationships.

The second aspect that makes a mistress a mistress, and not a chance victim of a married man, is that it arouses her to know that she’s not the only one. Now, I ll be honest: For a while I thought “we” were beyond the “ego” thing of needing a man for ourselves.
I honestly believed that monogamous women were deeply insecure and basically needed to have their wounded ego mended by a man choosing for them. And that “we” mistresses, were in a way elevated beings, because we went without that childish game of:
“If you love me, you choose for me.”
Not pretty. I know. I’m sorry, and I don’t think that anymore.
– By the way I do believe that many looking for a faithful partner are basically saying: “I want to feel loved, and special, and as if I am the only one.”
But that’s not for me to find out –
Okay, but, initially I thought; monogamy is an ego thing. And us, mistresses are more detached on these matters.
Until I looked a little deeper, and realized we were far, far worse. Or that maybe not “worse” but that we took that whole game up a notch… I ll explain in a moment, maybe I shouldn’t have brought the ego up.
Because there is a fairly neutral explanation too, for liking “competition”.
It’s called “compersion”. And means getting aroused from knowing your partner has other partners, or seeing him or her do it with someone else.
“Compersion” is what I experienced when I saw my lover charm a gorgeous woman practically out of her skirt. So maybe I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, or on other women, by making this about how often we need to boost our egos. So no judgement.
But I want to illustrate this dynamic of competition.
The difference between having a partner who is sexually active, or ambiguous, or secretive, with other women, and having a partner who isn’t, is that you have competition. My lover can end things with me at any time. In favor of his wife, or a new lover, or in favor of having mental rest and calm.
So every time I see him?
I win.
He chooses to see me, there is no entitlement. This motivates me to always be at my best! And you get three guesses who benefits most from that? Well?
Me of course!
It’s a bit related to the secrecy thing, but feeling my best, and sharing only the things which connect us, or how we can learn more about each other? That is amazing… And not only does it give me a feeling of accomplishment because I’m giving it my all. He may only see the best part of me when we’re together, but so do I!
Having competition is an extremely good motivator to be my best self. I may not get him to choose me once, like a normal relationship.
But I get to be chosen time after time.
That’s what I meant when I said we mistresses were even more ego driven, and/or we are more compersionists. We like to have a partner whose attention we have to win, every time.
But we also get the reward of being chosen, every time.

I m not going to pretend I don’t understand why the world would be a better place, if mistresses didn’t exist. I do.
And I also understand how tempting it must be to blame us, for everything that has gone wrong in any marriage where a man cheated on his wife.
If I could choose, please believe me, I would choose to have a different type of sexual preference. One that rewarded loyalty, and frailty, and where I made one man really happy, and he would devote his life to me alone, and no one would get hurt.
If I had a choice, I would.

Now a second choice is that I would abstain from having sex and not date a married man, until he was divorced, and so on. If you want to blame me for not choosing that, I understand that. You hold the popular opinion for sure.
But I don’t think that mistresses, unlike child molesters, should be trained or treated to learn how to control their needs. A mistress and her lover are consenting adults. And a real mistress, someone who has the preferences I talked about, is not out to destroy any marriage.
She is simply a woman in love.
And a woman who can peacefully coexist next to a marriage, and even turn out to be quite effective, and discrete, relationship glue.

But as long as we keep seeing mistresses as villians, “she” cannot find or refind her place in society. She is stuck in being judged for her preferences, because everybody assumes they’re a sign of ill will or poor character.
They’re not.
She’s a mistress because that’s how she was born.

It took me until I was well over forty to figure all this out. And yet in retrospect it is all so clear: I was always so interested in sex. I liked my partners aventurous, but I myself liked to have only one partner.
I found no joy whatsoever in being promiscuous.
I kept my relationships secret, for as long as I could. I had a feeling of loss when we came out. I fell for unavailable, taken men, time and time again, and I just knew it had nothing to do with lack of self-esteem no matter what anybody said.
All the pieces of the puzzle fit, once I had made my peace with being a mistress, and started “counting back”. It’s so easy once you know what you’re looking for! But as long as you don’t, or as long as you’re biased because you Can Not Be That Because That Is Evil?
Then it will take you over forty years.

A gay friend who loves my books once tried to explain to a friend who I was, and what my mission in life was. He said:
“Lauren is going to emancipate the mistress.”
Which is not a very sexy way of saying it, but I do think that is what it comes down to. Educate on this.
And not just educate potential mistresses, but everyone.
In a society where half of all marriages fail, the come-back of the mistress could actually save a couple of them. And if not by direct participation, then still what better person to ask how to spice up your relationship, then someone who truly masters the matter?
A woman who knows what the Catholic Church has known for two-thousand years:
How to preserve the mystery.

New Blog

I write articles like the one above, diary entries, and I post videos of my course
Solitary Women with Great Sex Lives and the men who love them
The subscribe or follow button for this new daily blog is somewhere on this page.
Have you found it?
Please let me know if you find irregularities in subscribing, or have any questions;
email info@lsharteveld.nl
Twitter
or Facebook

So now I can really say: See you tomorrow!

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

all erotica and diaries available through my bookshop
select your store f.e. Nederland or United States with the flag in the upper right corner

De volgende Nederlandse boeken
zijn ook op voorraad bij boekhandel de Feeks in Nijmegen
verzending gratis v.a. € 17,50

Het Boek Benjamin           € 45
verzameld werk NL en Engels.
Het enige boek dat hier niet inzit is Witte Tijgerin

Mango                                 €15
coming of age novelle

22 erotische verhalen   € 15
literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin

Witte Tijgerin                  €5
gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie

link naar mijn yoga studio
https://myoganijmegen.com/