Just leap: The exciting way to follow the marshmallows.

About five years ago, I bought a book The Big Leap, which was recommended to me by an online coach I was following at the time.
And this morning, just as I was pondering, journaling, writing out goals, and scrolling Facebook and Twitter to open my mind – because SPACE is the number one prerequisite for me to get my head around Life  – I found myself again in doubt over the age old question:
To plan or not to plan?
I had just unsubscribed from the third ecourse on planning, in three weeks. It was becoming clear to me that although I like the idea of achieving my goals and dreams, and I also like notebooks and planning tools (in theory!), I had never actually gotten any results in any area of my life, because I had been consciously working towards them using actionable goals.
I’m someone who gets an urge to do something, and then I do it.
Even if it means cleaning out the basement on a Saturday night.
And then the next day I do my new daily planning-of-shame:
“Today I am going to be a good girl and really do what I was set out to do. Instead of letting myself willingly, be lured into dark basements.”
So this morning, with an empty calendar for the upcoming week but looking back on four highly satisfying social appointments in the last 36 hours – three of them last minute invitations – I wondered:
“What do I really want?”
The most important questions are whether I want a structured approach working on my business. And if I want to plan my social life in advance.
To make it worse the two are related:
If I block time for social life, I can no longer afford a slow start on my work days for example for AM cuddling with stay-over cat K. Nor can I play with my notebooks if I know I have to quit working at 5 PM.
And if I map out my business activities each day, I can’t write spontaneous blog posts like this one.
I lost my entire yoga business working up to 55 hours a week (including writing for this account) and I spent them largely on marketing, which is supposed to be what generates money.
I was highly “visible”, as they call it.
I wrote blogs, created programs, made yoga videos.
Yet look what happened there!
All the doing, prevented me from seeing my heart wasn’t in it.
That teaching yoga was just a job, and that the only reason I was holding on to it, was because teaching yoga had bought me time to write.
I happened to like sales and marketing.
But liking sales and marketing, and longing for my yoga business to keep supporting my writing, had clouded my vision and had kept me stuck trying to make it all work.
So naturally, every time I find myself wanting to plan and schedule, how to run my current coaching and writing business, the whole grinding, pushing and hustling, is eerily familiar!
It’s the same attitude that made me drag on my yoga studio, years after it stopped being the carefree, fun, prosperous business it used to be.
As much as I endorse the idea of a 40 hour mapped out workweek, AND doing daily yoga, in order to whip my body and my business into the shape I want it to be:
The painful lessons of my yoga studio should not be ignored.
Daily activities to support your dreams, is not how life works.
True goals and dreams need to be connected to every day, in their purest form.
Not in their translated action steps.
So that they can be felt as either true or “no longer true”.
And as you’re reading them, you will feel what activities, what messages from the Universe, are associated with those goals TODAY.
Not a prefab, or recommended action step somebody else said was best practice. Or an earlier version of you, said was the best solution.
That’s like reheating yesterday’s meal.
Instead feel into your dreams, and look what pops up in your heart as something you want to do. Something as appealing as a marshmallow.
A totally unrelated, unexpected, marshmallow, that will look extremely appealing, and you will immediately feel inspired to eat it/ do that appealing activity.
Connect to your dreams, and let every day bring its own marshmallows
Automated activities, which are supposedly tied to dreams, lack this moment of contemplation on the source. On the reason you re doing it in the first place.
And automated or recommended activities also lack reflection, if they are your personal (God given!) way to do it.
I heard a story recently about entrepreneurs being encouraged to start making sales calls. So for me, as a coach selling one-on-one time, that would mean calling people from my network, and tell them about my new business, and what I can do for them.

Okay.
Now, what exactly is my dream?
My dream is that I want to connect with people.
After having lived largely in my inner-world, being a writer for 13 years and a yoga teacher for 15, I want to have real conversations, and inspire and elevate both myself as well as those around me.
I m convinced these things happen in conjunction.
It’s an energy, a vibration, a place where you don’t think about problems, or to-do lists, or daily activities, baby steps towards your dreams (!!)
but you get into the energy of where you want to go.
Who you want to be.
Where you’re gonna LEAP.
Although I have no idea how the writer of that book The Big Leap interpreted his leap, I do remember one thing:
Him pointing out that hopping, is a very inefficient and even damaging form of moving forward.
Leaping, on the other hand, may seem scarier, but it’s much more efficient. And as I recall, according to the author it’s actually the only way to get somewhere, period.
I agree!
The key element to me is that Leaping is what you should be doing in your mind every day. You should be jumping forward to the future, to your vision and to the person that you are, then.
The reason I seem to be anti-habit and pro going on the fly, is that to me planned daily habits are the equivalent to hopping:
They’re inefficient and even dangerous.
Making sales calls is like hopping:
A waste of resources.
Firstly you re wasting energy by overcoming your own resistance to making sales calls.
The second reason it’s wasted is because sales calls are obviously not your personal aligned way to find new clients, or you d already be doing them!
The WAY you do business, find the man of your dreams, or create the body you want, should always feel just as exciting as the dream itself.
If you tune in to your dreams, and the same action step (Make a sales call!) comes through as an answer from your higher self or the Universe, then sure.
Go ahead!
But don’t be like me, spending 20 hours a week on marketing the wrong business.
I guess it would have been worse, if me saving my yoga business had actually worked. Then I d still have the same business as 15 years ago, but instead of it needing zero hours of marketing in order to make a profit,
it would cost me 20 hours a week of content creation and sales to get the same result.
What I should have done, right from 2014 when I downsized my studio, creating the ideal circumstances for it to pick up and become profitable again:
“Either this thing is going to work. Or it isn’t. I m not going to do anything.”
Same thing now, publishing my books and setting up my coaching business, in order for them to be up and running should I take a job:
It is so very tempting to push my business harder.
Then getting a job is no longer a necessity, and just something I do because it would be fun.
To challenge myself, uplevel my game.
So very tempting to go all in, and spend 20 hours a week on marketing my new business (just like I did with the old), instead of spending it on publishing my books.
But I won’t.
I won’t grab, hold on, push, grind.
Instead of that, I will just go through my list with goals, and feel if they’re still meaningful and alive. And then follow up on whatever urge or hunch comes up.
Including leaping fearlessly if that’s the message I m getting.
It’s better to leap dangerously, after talking to God. Than to take baby steps towards your dreams, unguided.

My current list of goals

Instead of a list of goals, you could also use a vision board, change the background on your phone and so on. As long as your goals are clear.
The most important switch is to step away from using the translated, pre-fab daily actionable steps and instead connect with the dream (goal) in its purest form.
To illustrate here’s my list of goals.

I have my dream body
I m a lot more specific, and it includes reference to someone whose body I like. So I know what kind of body I want. By connecting to that, it can guide my actions throughout the day.

I create yoga schedules
The most fun part about yoga, and the thing which has frequently gotten strangled because I think I actually have to DO yoga, or make money from publishing my yoga books or whatever, the most fun part is creating yoga schedules.
I have decided that this fun and light activity, will be my focus.
If yoga comes from it, then that’s good. If not, also good.

I connect with people and inspire them for example through online coaching.
This is me making all interaction valuable: Whether I go work for a boss, have a friend over, or do coaching: It is always about connection and conversation.

I am a 7-Figure Rock Star Writer
Although I ve moved away from writing diaries, and do most of my thinking in conversation with others and no longer in writing:
Books will still be written.

Besides I have 10 out already, and 4 upcoming, under this name alone.
But ultimately, being a 7-Figure Rock Star is not so much about a business model, as it is part of my identity.

I have a 7-figure household
This stems from cleaning up my basement one weekend: A sudden urge to do so! And I will keep my antennas up, to sense if I feel like for example, cleaning my bathroom, organizing my old photos.
I trust that if I need to clear the energy around something, or uplevel my house in some way, the call to do it will come.

So in short those 5 things are my goals:
-body
-yoga schedules
-connection and conversation
-7 figure writer
-7 figure house hold
They’re the things I m going to feel into every day.
After scribbling them out, I wrote them down in my most beautiful notebook, the one that’s supposed to last the longest and does not contain mundane information.

The red ink I used for coloring, bled through to the next pages, which I now can’t use anymore.
I m taking that as a sign that for a very long time, I won’t have to.

~Lauren
Follow the marshmallows. *

*) Follow the marshmallows is based on the idea that the most likely way God will show you your path, is by making it look urgent and/or very appealing.
You will feel an urge, a rush of energy, a pull towards it!
Like running to the basement on a Saturday night!
It will actually require effort to not do it, to restrain yourself. 

Don’t restrain, eat the marshmallow.  And more likely than not, the second marshmallow will appear immediately after.

Work with me { my first sales page! } 

My diaries en erotica are available at 
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

Nederlandse boeken kun je ook direct bij mij bestellen

About this blog

Is the third chapter of
7-figure Rock Star Writer part 2: 
Always eat the marshmallow

The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

Follow on Facebook or Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2019
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit (Dutch)

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

hand me thy wicked men | The Mistress Speaks episode 7

I’m holding my breath, as the post-election backlash splits these lands in two.
Unsure what I’m waiting for, or which side I’m on.
With the right-wing politician?

Or with the indignant majority? 
Neither? Both? 
Why does it bother me that I don’t know my stance on this?
I don’t mind not fitting in.
If I needed to be a part of a group, I wouldn’t have been a Mistress. We’re solitary beings.
And I am also confident about how I vote: Always the greenest party available.
After largely favoring trees over people, and definitely both of them over Western culture, which supposedly needs saving, voting has become really easy.
And to the chagrin of many, according to the election results, green parties do tend to be more tolerant and generous towards refugees, and I support that.
So no right-wing support from me.
Honest to God, if anyone, whether on social media or real life, has the nerve to down-talk people of color, Islam, or any type of minorities, I will never call them my friend, nor date them.
But here’s the problem:
I don’t think this particular right wing politician would do that on a date.
In fact, I believe, he would be one of the few men, about whom I m almost a 100% sure that he would be a joy to go on a date with.
He wouldn’t bring up his political ideas.
This alone, makes it difficult for me to judge him, based on his political views. Because if there is a shortage of anything, it’s on men who are a joy to go on a date with.
But it goes way further than that.
Next to feeling resistant to discard him based on his political color, this politician has repeatedly and consistently, been accused of having anti-feminist views.
Apparently, I m not just supposed to reject him because of his political ideas. No, I am also supposed to distance myself from him, because I m a woman.
And he is a bad man.
It is this part of the equation, which I strongly, and motherfucking deeply resent.
If I know anything, about anything, it’s that I have excellent taste in men. Impeccable, I have called it. And I still stand by that.
Again, I don’t know him personally, although we had a brief and friendly chat, years ago. He was blocking the path to my chair in the theater, and I had just spoken a mutual acquaintance who had spoken about him.
With me rolling my eyes, I might add.
I did not give this very well respected acquaintance, any, any room to move, when he brought the politician up.
Maybe in hindsight I did feel like the majority of Dutch women. Angry. And I did not want to see what was there.
Until that moment with him blocking the chairs. And we spoke for a few minutes and I vividly remember that at that time I was still angry with him, just for existing, and for hijacking lunch with this other man.
Who I have not seen since, unfortunately.
Maybe he wasn’t pleased with how I handled it.
Anyway, the politician must have won me over himself, because I remember thinking afterwards: “If I had not listened to all the media stories, I would have asked him out.”
I was not a Mistress yet but I was only weeks from becoming one. It was like he was a messenger. A test perhaps?
As if the Universe needed to know if I was ready to have my love life go against the grain. If I was ready to trust in myself.
And if I was agile enough, strong enough, to make a connection. Despite, having disagreed with the mutual acquaintance the day before.
I had literally refused to talk about him.
It was strange timing to meet the politician at that crossroad in my life. By now we know how it ended.
I became the mistress of a married man. Having an unpopular point of view and defending my outcast position became my new normal.
But I rose to the occasion, and as you’re reading this I no longer write about myself as a mistress, because I am the secret lover of a man.
I ve upleveled.
I write about myself as The Mistress, because I ve internalized who I am.
I will always be the woman, who needs to be won over, time and time again.
But also the one who takes pleasure in winning his attention.
And keeping his secrets.
From now on, every lover I have, will have my loyalty until the end.
It’s really strange because over the past few weeks, I ve thought a lot about what it means to end a relationship like the one I have/had with my lover.
Like I said, I no longer share the specifics of my love life anymore.
But I ve thought about him, and about other unavailable men in my life. 
And I realized something: These bonds cannot be broken.
Not by time, distance, marriage. Not by agreeing it’s better to not see each other.
They can’t be sacrificed, in order to make other relationships work. The bond will stay because a Mistress heart is like a trap:
Once you get in, you can’t get out.

Maybe that’s the whole thing.
He got in.

 

~the Mistress

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My diaries en erotica are available at 
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

Nederlandse boeken kun je ook direct bij mij bestellen

coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2019
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit (Dutch)

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

God can’t get on your planner, Love.

spontaneous afternoon walk during work hours. In the background a medieval fever tree

I ve been trying to resist the urge to make a plan for the upcoming 5 weeks.
Should I focus on publishing my books like a mad woman? Especially since I ll probably take on a regular job soon, after being an entrepreneur for 20 years.
I don’t want to leave those books unfinished, clogging up my mental bandwidth.
I want them done.
But on the other hand… I do want to stay in touch with my new coaching business. I don’t want to drop that now because I m in over my head on my books. And then keep on dropping it because I m in over my head on a new job.
Speaking of which, exactly how badly do I want a job?
When my coaching business takes off, shouldn’t I consider doing that full-time?
Instead of squeezing it in after work?
Because in that case, I should definitely prioritize messaging and blogging for my coaching business!!
Oh.
Sigh.
It’s hopeless!
But here’s the deal, and this is such great news for everybody not knowing what to prioritize:
It’s not up to you and God can’t get on your calendar.
If I make a rational decision, draw a plan, and stick to it, there is no way I can register warning signs the Universe is giving me. Or more specifically:
I will register them, in the form of resistance, failure, a general sense of sluggishness of things just not being right.
But I will no longer be in the position to navigate around them, or interpret them properly.
Planning your route, in the form of:
Early rising.
Get shit done.
Eating two frogs before breakfast. (if you re familiar with that expression)
Daily this.
Daily that.
Means that you are connecting yourself to the how, to the path.
And this may seem like a good idea, but it comes at the expense of two things.
1. planning the how of your dreams, prevents you from seeing other unexpected ways to get there
Last weekend I made my first coaching sales page, which then resulted in me clearing out my basement, which then resulted in MASSIVE flow publishing my books, which I had been trying to achieve for over half a year, by all kinds of rewarding and disciplinary measures.
What I wanted (to publish my books) ultimately didn’t catch flight until I let it go, and did something completely unplanned.
2. planning the how of your dreams, prevents you from staying connected to the goal it’s supposed to be serving
Last year I had a brief period where I thought I wanted to start running. I bought shoes, made connections, made plans, did some running too.
But nah.
Did not take flight.
Another example is how I toyed with the idea of doing local things. Become a speaker, interview people, that sort of thing.
A Dutch YouTube channel for this account LS Harteveld.
But no response.
Now I m happy those two things (running and becoming a local celebrity) didn’t work out.
But at the time, I was slightly embarrassed!
Because I wanted something, and I was enthusiastic, and then it just died out.
When in reality, it would be way more embarrassing if I had actually succeeded. If I had pushed it through.
The best things in life, are never planned.
The person you meet on the train, the hobby you pick up and spend hours on, without even noticing it.
The conversations with friends that go on for hours, and you lose track of time.
ALL those things, will NOT have a way of getting on your calendar if you’ve blocked it with things you already know, the things you value so deeply, and that you know you’re here for on this earth.
Or so you think.
I think it’s a Buddhist story, about a wise man illustrating to a new disciple a cup already full, and yet the wise man keeps pouring tea:
It overflows.
Illustrating that the wise man can’t put new knowledge into an overflowing mind.
The same way God, or the Universe cannot put new adventures, new life’s purposes on your calendar, if that thing is full.
Nor can he or she offer the right path to your dreams if you keep insisting it has to happen a specific way.
If you keep scanning the horizon for elephants, you could be missing one standing right next to you. Or if a gorilla jumps in your car, takes the wheel and drives off, you’ll be shouting: “Hey! Stop! We’re here to watch the elephants!”
Before I close this post (with the punchline lesson) I ll give you another example. A decade ago I was scanning a dating site. My best friend wondered why I was spending so much time on there. Perhaps there was some mild desperation in my scrolling.
“There could be a next Valentino in there!” I said.
Valentino was a gorgeous young man, about whom I wrote an entire book.
For me, the thought that I could be missing out on my new muse, was enough reason to keep mining through the entire database.
But my friend answered:
“If the next Valentino is in there, I m sure you would have noticed.”
Because that’s the thing:
If something really is important, it will reach you.
Yesterday, I introduced one of my keys to a better life:
Always eat the marshmallow.
Follow your desires, don’t postpone, just do it and feel that rush of energy and satisfaction. That deep fulfillment when you’re doing something your heart desires.
Because I have been guilty of toying with the idea of planning, Facebook keeps showing me these productivity planners. And one of them suggested labeling your daily activities with E energize. D, draining, and N neutralize.
Energy tracking combined with my observation that the best things in life are never planned, made me realize that planning really is a very dangerous way to go about life.
Instead of planning, just follow the “E”s: What energizes you.
Avoid the “D”s: What drains you. Even, and especially, if the D is something you think you have to do, because it’s how your dream is supposed to come to life.
Only follow the E’s, regardless of how far out they appear to be.
And don’t be surprised if God gives you what you want, through a totally unexpected scenic route. Or through the basement.
Or if he or she intervenes, and breaks off your plans to follow up on your dreams by refusing guidance and only bringing skeptics or negative experiences on your path.
Yesterday I wrote: Always eat the marshmallow.
And I referred to the experiment, where children who choose to not eat the marshmallow immediately, get a second one.
And the ones who eat it right away, don’t.
I said to always eat the marshmallow because life doesn’t work that way:
If you patiently wait within your relationship, or your job, you will not get a second marshmallow.
But secondly, and more importantly:
If you eat the first one, you’ll immediately see the next!
God will set out this trail, your path, walking from marshmallow to marshmallow.
From energizing activity, to energizing activity.
You don’t need to plan anything, you don’t need to E/D/N plan nor track your route.
God can’t get on your calendar and he can’t fill an already full cup.
In fact he or she is powerless to help you, if you are paying more attention to your agenda than to Life.
But he can show you the way:
Just follow the marshmallows.

~Lauren
Follow the marshmallows. 

Work with me { my first sales page! } 

My diaries en erotica are available at 
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

Nederlandse boeken kun je ook direct bij mij bestellen

About this blog

Is the second chapter of
7-figure Rock Star Writer part 2: 
Always eat the marshmallow

The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

Follow on Facebook or Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2019
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit (Dutch)

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

The fear thing is never going to work. And also: Always eat the marshmallow

Rockstar Marshmallows @Jill Taylor-Moore Pinterest

I guess you could call this my first real workday.
Not in the sense that I’m at an employer’s desk right now.
In fact, for the first time in many weeks, I m behind my desk unshowered, in my bathing robe, drinking coffee and tea I made for my breakfast.
I just didn’t have the patience to “sit it out”!
I felt this neeed to go to my desk and write.
Which is ironic because just yesterday, I retired from being a writer.
At least that’s how I labeled it, because despite how much I wrote, I was never a writer:
I ve been a thinker and an expressionist. And I still am.
Just that for the past 13 years, I ve expressed my ideas primarily through writing, in the seclusion of my study. Now I m stepping out into the world to do the same but in conversation with people, not so much paper.
Through coaching clients, and by working a job on payroll.
I’m in doubt if I should share with you WHY I want a normal job. The thing most entrepreneurs don’t want!
But I’ve decided, yes, I will.
Because next to the number one rule, always eat the damn marshmallow, there is another rule: Always bare your naked soul into the world.
I’m kidding! That’s not a must! But yeah, the marshmallow one is, just take it from me.
So either read on (for more) or eat the marshmallow.
Okay.
The job.
So I ve been an entrepreneur for twenty years, on and off, counting my first business as a freelance writer.
I ve lost my yoga business in 2018, and I am not yet a 7-Figure Rock Star Writer, so it makes total sense to start looking for a job. But just last year, this thought scared me!!
It completely freaked me out.
Now this was for multiple reasons, one of them was that I was still convinced that I needed to write for four hours a day to stay sane. But working within a company also just scared the shit out of me.
All the power play, the small talk and the hidden agendas. Yuck.
But currently I am looking forward to it!
There still is the very important, ultimate goal of wanting to work from home, so that I can work while having a cat running around over my desk. But this goal does not have to be tied to having my own company, running my own business.
I m going to keep my coaching business, and keep publishing and selling my books. Because that’s who I am and that’s what I like to do.
Yet when I say I look forward to getting a job, I mean I m actually EXCITED to start from scratch, so to speak. I see it as a challenge.
No longer: “Boo hoo, I don’t want to work.”
It’s more like: “Bring it on!”
Ha ha ha ha.
Well, I m not that aggressive, but just to get my point across.
Because I am terrible with groups, organizations scare me, politics freak me out.
AND THAT’S EXACTLY WHY I WANT IT.
Just like 13 years ago, when I ended my long term relationship to start developing myself as a single woman. I was so scared of STD’s (even contracting them when using condoms) that I my long-term relationship was largely based on fear of the alternative, of being single.
I didn’t know exactly what type of relationship would fit me, but a relationship was never going to work, if it was rooted in fear of being more entrepreneurial with my love life.
For thirteen years I wrote about my journey from leaving my boyfriend, to one broken heart, eight years of dating, and ultimately four years of being a mistress.
The mistress-format was The One.
I’m not going to tell you if we’re still together, because I ve stopped writing about my love life. I’m no longer a diarist, that ended yesterday.
But being a mistress taught me everything I needed to know about Life, about myself, and on how to make the two fit.
Had I not set out to discover my true sexual identity, I would not have had the confidence now, to embark upon this new journey of going to work in a real job.
The relationship journey, which I started in 2006 when my relationship ended, is fulfilled. I know I m a mistress: someone who commits, chooses for one person. Who supports him in whatever he chooses to do. Even if that would mean breaking up with me.
Someone who needs to admire the man she’s with.
But I also need a lover to keep an emotional distance from me. He has to just be there, like a beacon, or a work of art. Someone I can admire, and fantasize about.
I ve seen female muses depicted like that in movies: A beautiful woman who totally disrupts your life, costs a lot of money and energy, but man, is she good for your creativity!
I have that with a man: I ll gladly step up my game to what it needs to be, in order to function under the extreme insecurity. Live under this tension.
And reap the benefits of the creative flow he’s causing.
After four years of having this relationship, I can honestly say that I don’t see myself functioning in relationships where there is not the challenge of keeping him interested.
I honestly wouldn’t know how to make that work.
But the journey has been completed, mission fulfilled.
I am no longer scared of being single nor of STD’s the way I used to be. As long as I only have sex if I really want to, I m good.
The fear was never about contracting something, it was about contracting an STD, without the sex, the fling, being acknowledged by both him and me, as something that was really good and special.
Now I know this is my own responsibility.
I m the one who needs to want the sex, I am the one who makes the experience special. If he on the other hand, has different women for breakfast, lunch and dinner, it should never influence how I experience it.
I ve learned to say yes to marshmallow sex, without asking him if he thinks it is a really special marshmallow, and if it’s more tasty than all the other marshmallows and so on.
I m just happy to have found such a tasty one!
But I m drifting off.
Like I said: I know all this. That journey has truly ended. I got this!
But the thought of being famous, and attracting stalkers because I’m a 7-Figure Rock Star Writer?
Gave me sleepless nights.
The thought of being trapped working for a company?
Cold sweat!
But now I realize that this means I just HAVE TO do them!
That setting up some kind of new small business, something agreeable, so that I can avoid both being a rock star writer, as well as avoid having a payroll job, is not an option.
Because then the way I make a living, is a choice out of fear.
Just like my long-term partner, in 2006, was and probably still is, an amazing guy. We could have made it work, one way or another. The problem was not him.
The problem was that being single scared the shit out of me, and I hadn’t worked through that. I had made him, or a relationship, a need.
And because of that, he could not be a choice, a want.
So my turning point, to looking forward to a payroll job, was not so much when I started figuring out how to make that work. I have a few ideas on that, for sure! I know key elements that will make the job easy and fun for everybody, I know how to be a delight of an employee.
But no, the turning point for me, in wanting a payroll job, was to realize that NOT having one? NOT succeeding in one? But in particular STAYING SCARED of one?
Was not an option.
That was never going to work.
The threat of a normal job, in case my company went bankrupt or something, would just keep hanging over me.
This had to be done, the same way I had to leave the relationship 13 years ago.
My main reference for these new things in my life, will be of course the journey in becoming a mistress. And everything I ve learned about power play, how the world works, and how you can win in a position that has no formal power.
Without use of violence, or manipulation.
But an amazing experience for both.
I may have been totally new at being single, but after thirteen years I have the best and most flawless relationships imaginable.
So of course, I m going to apply that in all my work from now.
But “Mistress” is a difficult word to communicate.
It triggers, well.. stuff.
And this morning I thought “Always eat the marshmallow” pretty much sums up everything I stand for and it’s less triggering, than using the Mistress term.
Eat the marshmallow comes from a famous experiment (video).
It’s a psychology test where children are told (in a neutral way) that they have a choice between eating the marshmallow, or waiting until the assistant returns. If they haven’t eaten it, they get a second one.
So either postpone your pleasure, and you get two.
Or eat the one you have.
For a long time it was thought the children eating it, were less successful later on in life because they couldn’t control themselves. But in recent years they found that those were the children from poorer families:
Food was not always available, promises could not always be kept, so they took what they had instead of waiting for a future outcome.
It is also very likely this background of having limited resources explained the differences in what they would achieve in life, compared to the group of children who waited for the second marshmallow.
That it wouldn’t have made any difference, if had learned waiting and investing payed off.
But in my opinion, it’s not the children who eat the marshmallow, who risk leading the wrong lives:
It’s the kids who don’t.
They’re the ones spending their whole lives in relationships, businesses, or companies that they don’t like. Patiently waiting for the second marshmallow.
Which may very well never come.
Just take the first one.
Trust me.

~Lauren
Always eat the marshmallow. 

Work with me { my first sales page! } 

My diaries en erotica are available at 
my BOOK SHOP
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About this blog

Is the first chapter of
7-figure Rock Star Writer part 2: 
Always eat the marshmallow

The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

Follow on Facebook or Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2019
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit (Dutch)

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

The 5 things that provided my breakthrough { letter to Sara }

Hi Sara,

I just wanted to let you know I ve FINALLY broken through ALL resistance, and am flying way high with my books.
It’s the massive breakthrough I ve been waiting for, probably
ever since 2017 when I published my first 10 books 😅
Naturally I AM trying to analyze how I manifested this:
What did I do differently this time?
What were the key elements that are allowing me to publish my books and basically entirely reinvent myself?
I ve come up with several things, but it will always be a chicken and egg situation:
Did these things happen as a result of me being ready?
Or did these things cause me to be ready and are they in fact a formula?
And then (oh dear) there is the most likely and equally unpopular scenario:
That it was because of a man.
That behind my back my lover shifted his attention/focus towards me, liberating himself from struggles I suspect have been going on, which could have been dating back to late 2017.
But lets’s not think about that.
Let’s ignore that the truth could be as simple as:
Secret lover who I hardly see, is thinking of me?
Me happy.
Secret lover who I hardly see, is not interested in me?
Me analyzing the fuck out of life why I m feeling so bad.
So if I assume I have control over my life and emotions, then t
hese are the things that shifted my energy. A list
which should be kept some place safe so I can follow this recipe whenever I need to publish my books or realign my career, again.

1.The 7 Figure Basement

One week ago I had this epiphany:
“Oh my God! This is NOT the basement of a successful person! I need to clear this!”
And I took on the humongous task of clearing it out.
2/3 of the things are from my best friend who has migrated, but her things and my things had gotten mixed up, because of the renovation. And the renovation had made them dusty plus a lot of the boxes had cracked under the weight after being stacked on top of each other for such a long time. 
It took me five hours but I now have a beautiful basement, and all her things have little cards on them, with her name.
So now I have a 7-Figure Basement.

2.The movie Vice

This movie has sparked the idea that my Vice qualities (loyalty, strategic thinking and handling mundane tasks) (such as publishing my books!) may be my most monotizable qualities to get a job.
And around the same time, I realized that my most important value in life, the thing I want more than any other thing, is to be able to work from home.
With a cat running over my desk.
And my dream life is not having a cat, while mommy is out somewhere else. Worrying sick.

Actually, working from home was the main feature which appealed to me, about this project I started in December:
7-Figure Rock Star Writer.

But in hindsight it didn’t really say 7-Figures.
What I meant was I wanted to become a 
“Earn enough to stay home with cats Writer”
Not catchy!
But the combination of the three, Vice inspiration, working home with cats, and 7-Figure Rock Star Writer, does inspire me to be my own Vice, in the upcoming weeks or months.
To fully back myself publishing my own books.

3. Only write when I have to!

Originally I stopped writing altogether, like a fasting, in order to publish my books. But some things needed to be processed, and I gave in to that. So I did write a couple of things and I m okay with that.
To only write if I really need to, will be my new normal.
Not “write daily” or something.
That is too distracting. 

4. Follow the flow

This is a super long paragraph, but the one-sentence management summary is:
Always follow flow!
(not your planning)
I ve had multiple days where I did not do what I had scheduled, and it was the most important factor in all my breakthroughs. 
On Saturday, one week ago, I created a sales page for coaching women.
A totally unexpected move, at the time I didn’t even understand why I was doing this.
But that night, I went into the basement to clear it out -> and the FLOW creating my books followed!
So it was:

Create sales page for coaching (unscheduled)
Clear out basement (unscheduled)
FLOW CREATING MY BOOKS!
And I ve also decided to stop writing in Dutch; I can bind all my Dutch LS Harteveld stories, dating back to 2007.
This is the perfect time for me to end it.
And next to becoming a coach, and quitting writing in Dutch, it goes even further because (hold on tight) after 13 years
I M
ENDING MY CAREER AS A WRITER/ DIARIST!
I really feel I no longer want to write about real life situations, with the possible exception of writing about my lover and me, but only if it adds to what I know about life.
After my last call with you, where we wondered what my friend thought my purpose was, I asked her.
She answered she thought my message was the Mistress.
And at that time I was still like:
“Oh the Mistress…. jeezz”
But now I’m seeing she was right.
I crave to become this persona, this professional.
Not the one who constantly reflects inward, but the one who shares, and monetizes, what she knows. What she has learned.

The way I see it, my new topic, or quest, is applying the mistress principles in order to become a 7-Figure Rock Star Writer.
I see coaching as a way to help others, and to keep developing these freedom or Mistress principles. 
I ve stopped seeing myself as a writer, because I really feel that is no longer where I need to be.
These books I m currently publishing are an end to the yoga career, to the diarist era, and to writing in Dutch.
And they’re also the symbolic ending of the path I set foot on 12 years ago, to figure out my love life.

I ve reached my destination, I reached it four years ago when I became a mistress.
I m now turning onto the path of becoming a 7-Figure Rock Star Writer, but much more from the perspective of personal development, using the Mistress principles. 
The 7-figure journey and the Mistress principles are what I share. 
It’s almost like it was inevitable, that I would turn away from the Dutch market, where I wrote about things like movies and men. As if there was a deep understanding within me, that those are all distractions.
To become a 7-Figure Rock Star Writer, and share my Mistress message, I need to keep my eyes on the big picture and not be seduced by the devil or local or small successes.
Unless I fall in love with the devil and we have sex, but that’s following flow 😂
Okay, so ALL that happened, in the slipstream of writing one sales page on a Saturday.
All because I followed flow! 

And on Thursday I did it again: Instead of working on publishing my LS Harteveld books, I started working on my yoga books. Which were not a priority and not part of the plan for March.
But just like writing the sales page and clearing out the basement, it paid off.
I found an English manuscript on White Tigress yoga, and I created a book within a day.

It does not have a spiffy cover (and I may in fact have to redo the cover, because of the quality of the pixels) but I just couldn’t be bothered to wait.
I published it, put it out there for sale, and ordered a test copy.
The second way this Thursday paid off, is that this book White Tigress yoga has reconnected me with my own love for yoga. I printed my own White Tigress book, and hope to be back on the mat soon!
And after taking this huge risk on Thursday, I started working on my Dutch yoga book again, on Friday!
Just like the White Tigress book, the main yoga book was also supposed to be like a workbook, only yoga schedules really.

But then I wanted to illustrate it with posts from my Dutch blog, on the different styles of yoga which it covers. Browsing through my yoga blog I found something:
The story of my last 18 months teaching yoga!
So I ve reframed the entire yoga book, to include my writing. I ll call it Diary of a Yoga Teacher or something.
And it will contain both my blog posts, as well as a year’s worth of schedules.

“Finding” this whole new book on Friday, after already publishing one on Thursday, made me incredibly happy.

5. (Follow the flow but) Don’t drop the ball

Every day I check my bank account, track my expenses and do something to publish my books.
This can all be done in 10 minutes.
It makes me confident that I will always be on top of my finances, and will stay connected to the publishing process. 
As long as I meet a minimal daily requirement, I can go with the flow the rest of the day.
Next to the above five things, and I would almost say “Mr.Big changing his mind”, there is of course another factor that may have contributed to me being so productive and focused:
Sleep-over cat baby K.
He reminds me of my deceased cat Max, more and more every day.
He’s so cuddly and sweet, and he has the same type of Siamese face. 
So on second thought, me working from home with cats may be more than an “ideal” work situation:
It’s more likely, it’s the only situation that is ever going to work.

Looking forward to our call, and I was happy to finally have some good news for you!

Warm regards.

~Lauren
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

Work with me { my first sales page! } 

My diaries en erotica are available at 
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

About this blog

The 5 things that provided my breakthrough { letter to Sara }
is the second-last chapter of my diary 7-figure Rock Star Writer
I had already written the last chapter yesterday.

Bye bye Writer. Hello Mistress. { final diary post }

The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

Follow on Facebook or Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2019
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit (Dutch)

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

Bye bye Writer. Hello Mistress. { final diary post }

After 13 years of writing, I m calling it  quits.
In the upcoming weeks I will be publishing my new books:
1. Reboot, my final diary
2. Big Mistress, confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
3. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW All my stories 2007 – 2018
and 4. Blote Kont (Dutch, 2007-2019)
I ve been experiencing this feeling of being stuck for a while now.
Even in December, I tried to quit writing about my personal life.
The plan was to continue writing about how I became a 7-Figure Rock Star Writer but that has failed. I just can’t seem to uplevel myself or my writing.
But I need to break free, permanently, from writing about my life, and including my “personal timeline”.
The things I have clear right now are:
– I m moving from being a writer, someone who turns inward,
into teaching, inspiring and coaching. Someone who turns outward.
– I m moving from being a Mistress, because of the status I ve had the last four years, to being someone who teaches a Mistress Formula.
Maybe a better word would be A Freedom Formula.
I ve learned principles that apply to all situations where there are conflicts of interests and power play.
And I ve learned them WELL because I did not have the upper-hand during those four years. As a mistress, I played a game most women would refuse to play.
But I won.
A couple of weeks back, a friend said she thought my purpose/message was “The Mistress Thing”. And I can see she’s right:
I have indeed found a sexual orientation which will fit many independent women like a glove. But I m also just discovering that The Mistress is actually a position of power:
It’s the vacancy at the board of directors.
It’s the empty chair at the family table.
It’s the vacuum in the heart, of any man of power.
It’s the place we never took, but which was always there…
The Mistress is feminism at its finest, it is the big thing we all overlooked.
I m just beginning to understand the vast, powerful, meaning of what I have discovered.
But in order to do that, I need to let go of who I was, in a creative sense. I need to really BECOME her.
Professionally.
Because The Mistress principles, to have it your way in relationships, in business, in life, are not tied to if you really are a mistress or not.
And as such they are not tied to my personal diary.
On the contrary: I’m still unsure if this new persona, which I will develop should even be called The Mistress.
You know what has made me decide that she is?
It’s not my faith in the whole matter, because I would drop the title Mistress like a hot potato when given the chance.
No the reason I  know the title Mistress is the right one, is because I heard this inner-voice, saying to me that The Mistress wanted out.
She wanted to work, she wanted to coach.
She wanted to stand her ground, and be known.
And she, The Mistress, literally said to me:
“Trust me on this.”
So I will.

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

My diaries en erotica are available at 
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

About this blog

Bye bye Writer. Hello Mistress. { final diary post } is the final chapter of my diary 7-figure Rock Star Writer

The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

Follow on Facebook or Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2019
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit (Dutch)

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

Work with me { my first sales page! }

Well, obviously it’s not really my first sales page, right?
I mean, even knowing that word illustrates that I ve been around the business block, but still!
I have never written a sales page under this name, because LS Harteveld sells books.
Not services.
Until now, anyway!
And I ve made an extremely daring choice here..
But it’s a fair one.

Even though my books are mainly read by men, my entrepreneur friends are mostly men, AND I ve spent the last 15 years bathing in masculine energy teaching yoga.
Oh, I m kidding, that was mostly women 🙂

But I’m only working with women for my coaching service.
So I m aware that women are a minority within my reading audience.
My estimate is one out of ten readers is female, and that’s probably overestimating.
But maybe in a way, that’s the whole point.
With men I already share my mind, through my writing.
But with women I share my soul.

~Lauren
PS: there is a unisex “subscribe to this blog” button on this page! 😉

Work with me

Okay, okay, okay.
Before we begin, can I confess the biggest mistake I ve made this year?
I mean it was SO big, that I’m almost like:
“If people find out about this, they will NEVER book me!
Not ever!
Not a chance!”
Can we talk about this, before I bring in all the bells and whistles?
I.
Forgot.
My.
Purpose.

My message. 
The very reason I m here on this earth.
Gone!
The whole thing!

Me. The yoga teacher who stopped teaching yoga because she thought yoga should come AFTER we had a talk about how life is going.
AFTER we asses if yoga is really what you need.
Oh by the way, by now? I m convinced yoga is NEVER what you need.

You need to write a blog post with screaming capitals in every sentence.
That’s a need.
But yoga?
No.
So I basically abandoned the profession of teaching yoga because I thought purpose should always come before yoga, or before wanting to solve any other problem, or before improving your happiness by relaxing or whatever;
Purpose should always come first.
“I m leaving yoga!”
* walks out and slams the door*
And then I forgot my own purpose.

The very moment I was healed from losing a year to burnout-ish complaints, I dropped my purpose, my mission, and my message like a hot potato.
I had lost 2018 to:
– a renovation which pulled me offtrack way more than I had anticipated.
– my cat dying and didn’t want to get a new one (yet) for several reasons;
– subtle but significant changes in my love life;
– I lost my yoga business;
So what did I do when I picked up the pieces to start a normal work life again?
I DROPPED, THE MOST IMPORTANT PIECE!
The thing I had managed to hold on to, despite all the turmoil;
Maybe I didn’t even drop it, but hid it somewhere under the bushes of a headhunter site. In the trashcan of LinkedIn.
Or maybe I hid it in that box with clothes size 6 and 8.
That would be symbolic right?
The One Day Box.
Yes, that’s the most likely place where my purpose would fit in just fine, and I could visit it once a year or so, only to conclude that it still didn’t fit me.
“Oh well! Better luck next year!”
And I would fold Purpose neatly between my 1998 Marlène Dietrich pants and 2005 French designer jeans.
Last week I had already discussed “purpose” with my creativity coach. I told her that although I have (had) a banner on my website “You must wake up and find your purpose!”; I really didn’t see myself as having a message.
But if I had a fixed message, finding purpose would be it.
“I’m a real artist, Sara” I told my coach.”My message is different every day.”
That night I told the story to a friend who’s been very persistent I should be sharing my message. She reacted very confused when I told her I didn’t have one. And that if I did, it would be the one about finding purpose.
So I asked her: “Well what do you think my message is then?”
“The Mistress one, obviously!” she answered immediately.
Oh yeah.
The Mistress one.
I honestly can’t say I responded very positively towards this. As far as I was concerned people would never hear about the Mistress again.
I mean sure; There’ll be a book release in April. Big Mistress.
But honest to God, if people wanted to get disappointed in regular relationships? Be my guest. I wasn’t going to be a sitting duck, and have them project their anger on me.
But my friend was not that easily swayed.
“It’s just SO good to hear someone speak about things that no one dares to speak about!” she exclaimed. “You do that!”
I used to, yes.
Yet I went home thinking I was very okay staying silent.
But today I know:
She was right.
The Mistress message IS what I am here to do, to share. The knowledge that I have acquired in my four years of being a mistress, has given me the ability to help others. Usually by refinding their purpose, but also with relationship problems.
And none of them were mistresses themselves.
So that’s why today, I decided to get behind my computer and create this page, where you can work with me.
As far as coaching goes, I don’t sell packages, nor work with assignments. I m a spur-of-moment kind of girl.
I have a business degree, and I ve been an entrepreneur for 15 years first as a yoga teacher and now as a writer, coach and speaker. I work mostly based on mindset work, which I have been studying since 1998.
You can read about the principles of my Mistress work, and also how it applies to business and life in this blog post from December 2018:
Vogue (The core values of a mistress)
And rereading that I realize all too well, that even selling this service is already against the way I defined my core values at the time. Back then, freedom to me meant not selling my time.
But last week I had the epiphany, that wasn’t really true:
That my biggest sacrifice was not selling time itself; it was selling time being outside the house. Or more specifically; selling my presence.
Ever since 2014 I ve had this idol, an escort Avery Moore. She was charging $1000 an hour, and I always wondered why that felt like a totally fair price to me. And without the sex even! I was also amused at how strict she was with her screening: You had to give her all your information, and the name of the company you worked for. She would run a background check before you met.
Rightfully so!
“If you think about it, $1000 an hour is a fair price, don’t you think?” I said to the friend who had been so kind to remind me of my purpose.
It’s how much everyone should charge, if paid to be present.

The Bells and The Whistles That Will Make You Want Me

Oh come on! Bells and whistles… lol As if that’s ever going to work!
But I can give you a little background story.
In 2006 I left my long-term relationship, in order to fall in love and have an exciting love life again.
I could really see myself end up having multiple lovers, I had no idea where my desire for sexual excitement would stop!
It turned out: Pretty quickly.
I was extremely picky. I ve had sex with ten men in eight years, and the sex (fact) was always good to great. But the whole thing outside the bed….oh, dear.
It’s unbelievable how many aspects of someone you have to ignore, if you’re not totally in love. And even the times I was in love, it was so challenging, the entire interaction around it. 
And likewise, I guess.
They must have gotten annoyed by me as well.
So I was a major fluke at being a single, and had multiple years where I didn’t bother to have sex at all. Yet, when I accidentally became a mistress, I was the one most surprised that the relationship form suited me so flawlessly.
Being someone’s secret mistress was exciting and challenging, but in a nice way because it made me incredibly strong. It felt like learning how to play poker and it gave me this mysterious aura. Which I cherished because I m so open about everything.
Finally, I was my own Woman of Mystery.
Writing this, March 2019, I don’t know if we’re still “on”.
Things have been difficult, it seems his mind is somewhere else, and I know it’s entirely pointless to “try” to win him back, or at least win his attention back.
The most important thing I ve learned as a mistress is that it always pays off to not manipulate anything, trust the process, and focus on your own thing.
Your own purpose.
And not on him.

So I m at the end of this post.
If you want to follow my Mistress work, you can subscribe to this blog (button somewhere on this page);
Follow on Facebook or Twitter,
YouTube
All my books
can be found on this page.
Are you a female entrepreneur, avid writer or powerful woman? And are you interested getting clarity on your message, your purpose or learn the Mistress lifestyle?
I have a limited number of coaching spots available.
You can find my introduction fees below.
Appearances for conventions and media start at €1000
Yeah…. the “presence” thing!

~Lauren

Coaching (women only)

60 minute session, Zoom call or phone call                  $ 125 | € 110 
six sessions, valid 6 months maximum                          $675 | € 600

application 

write a short email to info@lsharteveld,
how I can help you.
If it appeals to you, let yourself be inspired by the question: 

“If I can be, do or have anything I want, who would I be?”
If you live in another timezone, please let me know where you are, and at which times you could make it for our call. (I’m on Amsterdam-time, CET)
Then I can check my schedule.

If you want the maximum out of our time together, consider writing me an email before every session, on how your week went! 
Or keep a daily log, and send it before our sessions.

Conventions and presentations (business only)

Mail your request, with as much background information on the occasion and the audience as possible,
to info@lsharteveld.nl,
and let’s see if we can make this work.
Prices for professional appearances start at €1000

 

Keep calm and carry on

Hi Sara,

My assignment for these weeks was that I wouldn’t plan anything. I wouldn’t make myself publish my books, or do yoga, or commit to a certain number of work hours. And you concluded our call saying:
“So this could mean, that every day might look entirely different!”
Which was both a thrilling perspective, as well as a daunting one since it implied I would let go, and just let life unfold.
However.
I’m afraid I have been really bad at using these weeks to explore this side of me, although I ve been reasonably good at not being productive. 

I got a sleepover cat, K, and his coming and presence simply prohibited me from doing anything, and I have a ten day void in my hour registration.
Which means I did all sorts of things, except being behind my desk.
I spent redoing my entire house and balcony for days on end, in order to get the house ready for K.
But also to get a new beginning, after I had a major reveal, and decided I needed a fresh start.
But let me start at the beginning.

The morning after our last call I was healed.
I knew a 100% sure that I would not go back to being suicidal over having to take a job. And the day after that, I realized:
“Yes. I can take a job without wanting to kill myself, but working from home with cats, will always be my dream life.”
Within hours after thinking that, a friend contacted me if I could take care of K. So immediately after making cats my priority, I got this amazing request!
Until K was actually here, and I experienced what he did to me, I assumed there was still the option of working a daytime job, with a couple of young healthy cats at home, who didn’t need my constant attention.
B
ut K has taught me, that isn’t how I roll.
I m a real curling parent, when it comes to having cats.
Going to a job would feel like trying to function, while leaving your heart at home. 
So, since the last time we talked, I realized that although I m ready to go to work, and thinking about going for a year contract starting July 1st;
I am also more motivated than ever to keep the ball rolling with regard to my books and/or investigate if there are jobs I can do from home.
But after tying my cats to a steady income, earned from home no less, it was simply impossible not to commit to daily tasks and activities.
Just seeing how life unfolded seemed a waste.
And I have been moderately successful at tweaking how this works for me!
First of all, the key for me, seems to be to sleep in.
The moment I plan a time to rise, I can feel my heart contracting. That has happened twice in the past two weeks so there is no way, I can structure my day around a convenient, efficient time to get out of bed.
But I can do it around things that come naturally to me.
Here is my current planning:
-When I wake up, I scroll Facebook and Twitter and share memes and cat posts and other lighthearted things, to accounts that belong to my old yoga community. I usually get a lot of interaction/ response and it’s a low key and fun way to start the day.
-Then I do some inspired online reading and journaling. 
After an hour or so, I get out of bed, breakfast, watch dvd.
K and me are currently watching Basic Instinct 2! I bought a new copy after apparently losing the first one. Which I still find weird.
How do you lose a dvd, if you live alone? And in particular Basic Instinct 2, which no one will want to watch?

After our telly session I shower, get “properly” dressed (mind you, we are talking like 10AM or something by now!) and get behind my computer.
-I do my personal finance for 30 minutes. 
This is the habit I started right before our last call, and it was the only thing I could think of which could explain for my overnight healing. Not counting 7 months of painstaking self-reflection.
-Then I move on to my books.
I m currently retrieving old newsletters and turning the good ones into blog posts, both Dutch and English.
It’s a lot of work, and I didn’t have a full workday for as long as I can remember.
So many social appointments, and as I said redoing the entire house also took days out of my schedule. 
But nevertheless, this weekend I really saw that the Most Important Thing, was to do something on publishing my books. Every day. That the task of bringing all this material together in four books is so complicated, that it needs daily attention.
-And I close with sales
This is really simple, because I just tie it into the (re)post of my blog posts.
Which brings me to the two tasks which I ve been meaning to do, yet had zero results with.
1. Doing yoga, and 2. creating yoga schedules for the book under my real name.
It’s on my list every day, but I don’t do any of it.
For a day or two, I considered going back to making yoga videos (as I intended) but then I dropped that as well.
The daylight needed for video makes that a DAY job, and I really don’t want to waste precious working hours doing yoga, nor, from a business perspective, invest them in creating yoga videos to build an audience to which I will then sell the book :0 
So I think I ve finally let the yoga video idea go.
My yoga LEGACY will be in the form of a yoga book of easy accessible schedules.
I will not pass on my knowledge of how to teach yoga, or how to practice it.
Remind me, if I stray the path.
And then the BIG epiphany, the thing that along with K coming, sparked my need to move all my furniture around and redo the house:
I think I know why 2018 has been such a disastrous your.

And it didn’t have that much to do with losing Max, losing my business, my career, and falling in love with a second man.
No.
I think I have been unconsciously tapped into stuff which has been going on in my lover’s life. It might have started as early as 2017, because that’s when our sex life got a lot calmer. Every time we were together was such a unique and special occasion, we didn’t have the same levels of trust, to have sex the way we used to.
And now I look back at over a year of misery, where seeing my lover were actually the highlights, little pockets of time when we were in another Universe, and yet think:
Oh. My. Fucking. God.
When I feel shitty, the reason is as simple as:
Something is going on, unconsciously.
Like the secret of Mr.Big.
Or, comparable, like last summer when I turned my business inside out in an attempt to save it. Before I realized I had fallen in love with someone.
Changing my business was not going to solve anything.
Instead of acknowledging feeling weird, had to do with being love.

The first example (picking up Mr.Big’s secret) may sound a little more telepathic, but in both cases I looked for reasons and solutions, in the real world.
When that was not what was causing it.
My new strategy is interpreting anxiety or feeling sick, as things that do not have an explanation in the real world. The most efficient solution is to wait until they pass. Not to try and analyse them rationally. 
This would have saved a year of my life.
Looking forward to our video call very much.
Hope K will join us!

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

My diaries en erotica are available at 
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices + free shipping Netherlands *
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

*  Nederland: tijdelijk geen verzendkosten en keuze uit het volledige oeuvre (10 boeken!) Gebruik code ONESHIP bij het uitchecken —

About this blog

Keep calm and carry on is Chapter 34 of my diary 7-figure Rock Star Writer

The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

Follow on Facebook or Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2018
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit (Dutch)

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

Tattoo needed: If I feel crap, it’s ALWAYS about a man. Even when it’s not.

Tuesday night, February 26

The good news is: I m healed.
The even better news is: It evolved into a full-blown life transformation.
What started last Wednesday, waking up light as a feather, got better every day.
I m at the point where it wouldn’t surprise me if I was offered the job of my dreams tomorrow.
And the man of my dreams the day after that.
Although my shifts have been internal ones, of course! My manifestations in the real world have been limited (?!) to two cats.
Both offered to me within a week, after making this internal shift.
By the time the second one was offered, I had already said “Yes” to taking care of the first one; A sleepover cat who will stay with me until a friend has her own place again.
So I could not offer anything to the second cat.
But cats, just like jobs, just like men, come and go. I believe that all we need to do is open ourselves up, so the Universe can offer them.
That’s all there is to it.
So when I got offered the second cat, I knew it wasn’t my job to try to squeeze two cats foreign to each other, in my house and make that work.
Universe will sort it out.
I wouldn’t be surprised if one way or the other, I will be taking care of both, in the end. One temporarily, and adopt the other one after that. Who knows.
Universe does!
LOL
We humans make our lives way too difficult, thinking WE are the ones changing the course of things. WE are the ones “hunting” for success, a partner, or financial stability so that we can have cats.
When in reality, all you ever need to do, is commit to the desire.
If it’s meant to happen, Universe will find the best, most magical way to fulfill it. And if it doesn’t, if what you desire is NOT there?
The worst thing you could do, is to pull, hustle, manipulate and insist that you should have it.

Even if you’d pull that off, the thing would fall apart, walk away, or vanish into thin air, the moment you turned your back on it.
Because life is supported by forces we can’t understand.
To try to build a life going against it, is madness. 
So in my book, it was no coincidence that the cat was offered to me, within days after my renovation was finally over, and within 48 hours after I woke up healed.
I simply wasn’t ready to receive before.
With my sleepover cat coming, and still feeling a bit off in my house after returning from my temporary address and putting all my things back in their rightful place, I suddenly felt a spurt of energy, and rearranged my entire house.
Nearly every piece of furniture was moved and reallocated.
And although it is not uncommon for me to do this – I do it about once a year – it is the first time my house feels entirely different.
It is as if I ve moved house.
You can feel the change in my study, my bedroom, my living, my hallway, the wardrobe, and I ve bought two dozen plants for the balcony, so that the stay-over cat will feel at home.
He’s used to having a garden.
The toilet and my kitchen have been renovated, but the remarkable thing is that the energetic shift is much bigger in the rooms that didn’t have any work done, except new window frames.
So my three main reasons for moving around all my furniture were that the renovation is finally done, I was feeling light and energetic, and I had a cat coming Thursday.
All good reasons to spruce up my nest.
But the real inspiration didn’t come until there was a major reveal in my life!
Now to refresh your memory, or maybe this is the first time you are reading my work, so then this is new information:
I m someone’s secret mistress.
And last summer I fell in love with someone else, and he’s married too.
So obviously I can’t share exactly what’s going on.
But I ll say that the reveal had to do with my real lover. In hindsight the reveal explains so much about what went wrong.
Because
I knew all along. I felt it.
Yet I have a self-deluding habit to analyse my feelings until I can explain them rationally.
Especially if they’re uncomfortable feelings, I won’t rest until I have a logical explanation. 

The best example of this is that I immediately tie my feelings of anxiety to the risk of people finding out about our affair, and then taking it out on me by killing me.
I ve had anxiety over that, or at least rationalizing that the anxiety was because of that, at least once a month. Starting early summer last year.
Now, I wasn’t stupid.
Part of me knew there were deeper underlying causes, and as 2018 progressed, I started seeing them.

These were the five underlying causes for my anxiety:
1. My cat Max died in January 2018
Max was the love of my life, my little fur baby, and it was, or even is, fair to say that I haven’t been stable since.
2. The renovation by the housing corporation
I have definitely been stressed out by this, during the scheduled run time from October until now.
But it all started early last year with their “pre-work”, I think is the best way to describe it; Unplanned or poorly communicated projects that had to do with the entire building and involved men in front of your windows when you didn’t expect them.

Which led to a horrific exposure, I don’t want to talk about. But which I ve half-consciously blamed for being the cause of all my misery in 2018.
And in particular the frequent anxiety attacks.
The only reason I refused to think it through, properly, how much this had contributed, was because I wanted to forget the whole incident and not think about it at all.

3. my yoga career and finances were falling apart
After Max died, I didn’t allow myself new cats because of the upcoming reno and my insecure financial situation.
In reality, my business had been starting to show tears as early as 2013, and my joy for the profession had been waning. But it wasn’t until Max had died that I was ready to face the consequences:
Either I had to reinvent what I was doing, or I had to end my yoga career.
I chose the first, failed, did the first again by focusing only on private classes, and failed again. On October 15, ten months after Max died, I unregistered from the Chamber of Commerce, marking the end of a 15 year long career.
Now naturally, witnessing the downfall of your livelihood, was a valid reason to be anxious, and burned out.  
4. I fell in love with someone else
This was something that went unnoticed for long. Yet, how did I manage to miss it, right? 
Was I really so caught up in grieving over Max and trying to save my yoga studio, that I failed to notice the most significant event in matters of the heart, ever since my affair with my secret lover Mr.Big started?
But once I saw what had been going on, I did blame falling in love for causing anxiety. And in particular the months where it had gone by unnoticed and derailed my life from my subconscious.
5. Getting offered a job and getting suicidal thoughts

This was my wake-up moment of how bad I was actually doing. Up until this point I had been able to rationalize it.
Cat died and business in turmoil.
So yeah, sure it sucked.
But becoming suicidal was way beyond “sucked”. That was serious. 
Especially if it happens after you’re offered a super flexible, high-paying, part-time job which would ease all of your money and career worries, and yet all you can think is:
“Okay, now I want to kill myself.”
That’s when I started taking my mental health more seriously. I realized I was suffering from stress, and close to burnout. It had been causing manic, I would almost say “psychotic” nights, more than I can count.
The stress had also been taking its toll on my heart, this has been going on since 2017. And by now it was affecting my will to live. 

I marked the moment I had suicidal thoughts as my lowest point.
From that moment, until last Wednesday, when I woke up light, as if the weight of the world had been lifted off me?
Seven months.
And if I include the exposure incident and Max dying, then it’s been 13 months, from having him die in my arms, to waking up healed.

I instantly knew I would never get suicidal again. Not even if I was offered a job 😉
And it got better every day!

Two friends both asked if I was interested in taking care of a cat, and I reconnected with my deep desire to work from home:
Even though money could, and maybe temporarily would, be earned in the real world; I would never call my life a success as long as I had to go out the door to earn a living.
I wanted to work from home so I could be with my cats. 

I decided to never give up on that dream, and to remain aware that’s what I really wanted. 
But rearranging my entire house, was not just connected to being healed, the renovation being over, and the cat coming Thursday;
It was something else.
The big reveal, with regard to my lover!
And it was this big reveal, that in retrospect, has been the cause of all the struggles in 2018. That’s my new hypothesis.
I got the information about the big reveal by chance. And it was something that had been going on in my lover’s life, and that he has been keeping from me.
Although it has been influencing our time together.
The last time we had exciting sex was 2017. I think…
Because all 2018? It was strange… Every time we were together it was as if we both felt new to each other, and uncertain of what to make of it.
Normally, that is my role.

I always feel vulnerable and unsure of myself, whenever I m with him.
Maybe it’s insecurity that simply comes from being a secret mistress.
You can’t boost your ego, or take solace in being the chosen one. Because by definition, you are not the chosen one. You re the extra. And with that, you’re expendable. 
Being a secret mistress is the most humble position you can put yourself in. But it‘s almost like a mindgame of mental masochistic behavior.
It makes me feel alive to go “there” where no other woman, or man, dares to go:
Total freedom.
The knowledge that he will only see me if he really wants to, and that he has no social, financial, or convenient reason to do so. That’s an incredible boost of ego!
It’s pleasure after the pain. 
But in 2018, it was as if he too, felt unsure.
He didn’t discuss this with me, that’s not his thing, thank God for that. But I could feel that he wouldn’t be as intimate, not melting together, gazing into each other’s eyes. 

And he didn’t seem to offer the solid foundation nessecary for more daring forms of sex, such as play rape, consent games, pain, anal sex.
For a whole year, we colored within the lines.
And yet where did I look for an explanation for my growing anxiety? And feeling life slip between my fingers?
At my cat dying.
At being exposed during renovations.
At falling in love with another man.
At my financial decline.
And ultimately at my business going down.
In short I looked everywhere except in the one place I should have been looking; At my lover.
ALL that time and energy sorting through my shit? What a waste! 
When will I learn that the only reason something is wrong, is because of matters of the heart?
I knew this!
I had experienced it first hand when I had fallen in love with the second man but I wasn’t aware of it. During those months, I invested more in marketing and in reorganizing my business, than I ever had in my life.

It should have worked by every entrepreneurial rule known to Men, except of course it didn’t.
Because the Universe either gives something, or it doesn’t.
And if it doesn’t give you a smooth running business, you cannot create it with your bare hands either

But the reason saving my business would never have “worked”, period, was because my underlying motive had nothing to do with business.
It had been a desire for control over my life, my emotions.
What was bothering me, way more than my business, was that I had fallen in love.
That’s what I was trying to “solve”. 

As soon as I realized I was in love, I saw what I had been doing. So that’s what I mean, when I said I knew this! I knew how it worked!
The habit of tying a rational, more solvable problem to anxiety and restlessness, had already put me offtrack and cost me months of my life.
Yet what I ve begun to understand now, is that my entire year of agony, may have been caused by me subconsciously picking up what has been going on behind my back, with my lover.
And not by all those five reasons I gave you earlier, not even the falling in love part.
All to avoid having to face that o
ur relationship has changed.
It is more fragile than ever.
As if the stakes get higher every year and in 2018 I think I have been in way over my head. Sure, I could see the benefits of our affair being so exciting. But I underestimated the effort it took to stand my ground.
And it was starting to fuck with my head.
I was unsure what to do and decided to reread a love letter I sent him in December.

And it was all there.
Between the lines, you could read me saying:
I ve already chosen you a long time ago. I ll always be here.”
I remembered I had cried writing it, but without knowing why I was crying. But now I knew: I was feeling everything he had not been telling me for an entire year. I was crying because the insecurity was finally taking its toll, and still I could not let go.
I could not choose myself over him. 
The next two days I started moving my furniture, rearranged my things, created my cat friendly jungle on the balcony. I created an entire new look, and feel to my house. And then the moment came, when I wanted to masturbate, and didn’t know what to masturbate on.
I had been thinking of him for years.
Would me knowing, finding out, change our relationship? Were we over?
And then it came to me.
The vision.
I saw how him and me had started. Who we were, when we were together. Such powerful people. We were not just the best versions of ourselves, we were magnetic. Both of us! We didn’t seem to live in a normal world. We were like rock stars or Gods.
And it was “her”, who had rearranged the house.
It was “her” who had awoken on that Wednesday morning.
It was “her” who had lost her confidence in 2018 because she had not known what was expected of her.
I saw us together, him and me. In the way we used to be, and in a way still are. It was the most powerful vision I have ever had in my life.
And the vision immediately became greater than any turmoil we’re going through right now, or even in years to come.

Maybe the day will come when the Universe will give me a new man. And maybe even two in the same week, just like with the cats.
Or a time will come, when I am no longer welcome, in my lover’s arms.
But something told me, that it was not this day.
Today, we’re here.
We ARE.
After losing a year over this, trying to get better and to heal my life, I now realize that it is not my responsibility, nor within my power, to change my life. All I can do is to keep the door open, so that the Universe can deliver.
And to keep my house nice, so that whomever comes in, will want to stay here.

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

My diaries en erotica are available at 
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices + free shipping Netherlands *
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

*  Nederland: tijdelijk geen verzendkosten en keuze uit het volledige oeuvre (10 boeken!) Gebruik code ONESHIP bij het uitchecken —

About this blog

Tattoo needed: If I feel crap, it’s ALWAYS about a man. Even when it’s not.
is Chapter 33 of my diary 7-figure Rock Star Writer

The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

Follow on Facebook or Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

new books

With a help from the Universe (I hope!), I will now go all in on publishing my new books:
1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2018
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit (Dutch)

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

Do a Frodo

Hi Sara,

 In the words of Esther Perel’s relationship therapy podcast:
 Where do we begin?
 I assumed our last conversation was me having reached my lowest point.
 Because the renovation was over right? 
 What could possibly go wrong?
 Well, as it turns out, if you’ve been worn down by months of renovation, a post-yoga career burnout AND whipping your own ass into Discipline Gear?
 Surprisingly little is needed, in order for everything to go wrong.
 Since our last call, my productivity has been the lowest of the lowest.
 I thought I had strayed from the path, when I was writing every day instead of working on my books, in those weeks when I was working at my mother’s because my temporary housing didn’t have Wifi.
 Writing was the only thing I could do.
I didn’t have the concentration for “real” work, 
when my life was literally all over the place; In two different houses and an office at my mother’s.
 But those weeks turned out to be the productive highlight of 2019 because I m still nowhere when it comes to publishing my books. And I blame it all on having chosen the wrong path, based on the wrong assumptions.
 Because that whole idea about me being an extrovert (ENFP) in Meyers-Briggs?
Now my initial, pre-brainwash, response to that “E” in ENFP had been:
“Extrovert? Oh well, we ll just ignore that letter. Because that’s obviously not true.”
And I studied my type, focusing on the last three letters NFP.
But then the E just seemed to grow on me.

  Apparently, underneath the emotional facade of being an introvert, mentally unstable artist, there was a happy, employable extrovert. My inner Will Smith, and Jennifer Aniston were just dying to come out, and have a lighthearted laugh. 
 Suddenly I vividly remembered all the times I had been happy to shine in a group.
 Not realizing that it was just the occasional party; I didn’t take on any obligations for group performances.
 In retrospect I think it was because I wanted to be saved, Sara.
 I needed to hear that I was a normal extrovert and that I wouldn’t kill myself if I had to work in an office environment.
 As long as it was a fun workplace, I, an ENFP would thrive!
Meyers-Briggs said so, so it must be true.
 So that’s the shitty news: I m still clueless how to make a living, after my savings are gone.
 Maybe we can look into this? The INFP workplace things?
 So that was the big reveal:  This second test from a YouTuber tested me an INFP.
 Hardcore introvert!
 And that description was nothing like the profile of someone who reads Tony Robbins affirmations for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
It was like coming home.

 I was unstable, like Vincent van Gogh.
 Strange, like John Lennon.
 Forever searching, like Jim Morrison. 
 I was unpredictable, like Johnny Depp.
 And of course suicidal like Ian Curtis and Kurt Cobain.
 But most importantly; I was an introvert.
 I read a funny meme on the INFP Facebook page, and it said something like:
 Q: Who are we? 
 A: INFP’s!
 Q: What do we want?
 A: A better world!
 Q: How do we want it?
 A: Without social interaction!
 Oh yeah, that’s me.
 So the bad news is I need a better plan because I m not Will Smith after all.
 Nor an Elizabeth Gilbert, who’s also ENFP.
 But the good news is, my chances of becoming a successful writer have increased exponentially because Tolkien, JK Rowling, and Anais Nin are all in the INFP legion. As well as a certain W.Shakespeare. 
 Oh! And INFP’s make up like half of all YouTubers!
 Which may explain why I ve rebooted both my YouTube channels.
 I ve created a Coffee Talk and a yoga video from/for my new yoga book (which I ve also picked up writing) under my real name.
 And for my LS Harteveld channel, I ve created a 15 minute video on relationships between creatives and preservers.
 Still have to clear that one, because I m afraid I may have accidentally called the preservers, “preservatives” at one point!
lol
 Maybe I should post it either way.
 The final clue that me being The Employable Entrepreneur was not exactly coming natural, was the fact that my workweek schedule was getting me absolutely nowhere.
 Do you remember what the plan was?
 After winning Meyers Briggs’ gold star for employability, I thought: 
“Oh cool! Do you know what I m gonna do? I m going to work for 40 hours a week (you insisted to make it 30) and only do “real” work in those hours! No writing!! 
 I ll publish my books, do marketing, sales posts, and so on.
 Just REAL entrepreneurial stuff!”
 With writing banished to the weekends and evenings, I was going to behave as if I was working a job. 
 So if I wouldn’t make enough money from my books, I could transfer this “workweek” to an employer, without going crazy thinking how on earth I was going to stay sane without writing during work hours.
 This would boost my chances of having a good business, as well as feeling confident I could handle a real job.
 And it was a great idea.
 If it had not cost me two extra workweeks, waiting in vain for this whole thing to work.
 But reading on my new INFP type also brought me a solution:
 Instead of trying to be employable, just do a Frodo.
Frodo from Lord of the Rings, who s also an INFP. 

“This task was appointed to you. And if you do not find a way, no one will.”
Galadriel to Frodo in Lord of the Rings

 Seeing my goal of publishing my books like the quest to destroy the Ring – something that has to be done, no matter what- feels a lot more doable than thinking this is the time to get sensible with my working hours. 
 I mean, sure, there was extended renovation mayhem. 
 But I think the main characteristic of a work “schedule” is that it should work, no matter what you throw at it.
 If it only works if your life is perfect, then it’s not the most efficient way to work at any time. Good or bad. 
 So I ve let all rules go and just gone rogue.
 Publishing the books will go as it goes. 
 Including detours and unexpected shit in the beginning. I mean where WAS Gandalf in the Prancing Pony, right?
 Frodo and his friends were almost stabbed to death by ring wraiths in their wee little hobbit beds.
 Yet in the end none of that mattered, because the ring got cast in the fires of Mount Doom and Middle Earth was saved. No one remembered all the things that slowed them down in the first film.

enslaved hobbits in The Shire

 So I m no longer investing in building confidence that I can work normal workweeks, and have a Plan B if I can’t make a living as a writer. I m even using another scene from Lord of the Rings, to get myself going:
 At one point Frodo looks into the mirror of Galadriel and sees the Shire, his hometown. All the hobbits are enslaved by Sauron. Everything is black, burned and horrible. 
 Frodo looks up, and Galadriel speaks: 
 “I know what it is you saw, for it is also in my mind.
 It is what will come to pass, If you should fail.”
 Exactly.

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

My diaries en erotica are available at 
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

About this blog

Do a Frodo is Chapter 32 of my diary 7-figure Rock Star Writer

The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

Follow on Facebook or Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

new books

With a little help from the Lord, I will now go all in on publishing my new books:
1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2018
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit (Dutch)

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

Maybe I should look in the mirror, instead of take a Meyers-Briggs