Category: In the Stars (where I talk about men)

Episode 5
For past and future lovers
the final episode of “In the Stars” (where I talk about men)

Topic: Review of all zodiac signs I dated

Management summary: 
No single zodiac sign can date me, because I have four different signs
—
I don’t know why I expected to find an easy answer, from reading my chart. Maybe because from the inside looking out, my personality seems pretty clear cut? I like what I like, and I do not find myself particularly complex? 

But what I have found, dear gentlemen suitors, is that my chart/ my personality is built up in a way every type of man will find at least one rock hard impenetrable layer. One aspect, that they lack the skills to get around.

Here’s my layer by layer analysis of what you will encounter:

For Earth signs (Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn):
What you will refuse to deal with.

General: My demand for luxury. 

Specific examples Earth signs will refuse to deal with:
-Your full and exclusive attention on dates
-You preparing our dates
(reservations, logistics, keeping track of time, dealing with me, people and unexpected events, all in a courteous way, regular meal times, buying me treats)
-Love making happens only in hotels, sufficiently heated bedrooms or on couches in living rooms with closed curtains

Astrological reason: My Leo
None of this is new information. I think this was all in place when I was just a teenager, and it’s probably due to all the planets I have in Leo, and the House Leo is in.
When it comes to love, your Earth sign (Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn) and me (Leo) will appear to have all we need to rock this affair, yet fall short the entire time . We will not speak each other’s love language.

However, if this is not you and you did manage to click the gold plated armor of my personality open, your fingers will soon notice a vacuum rubber coating.

For Water signs (Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces):
What you will refuse to deal with.

General: My need for lightheartedness

Specific examples Water signs will refuse to deal with:
-you repeat something I told you, but make it funnier
-something embarrassing happens and you make a joke that makes everyone feel included
-we both know we want each other, but neither one says it out loud and we play that we never had sex before. Or maybe we never had sex before. Who knows.
– Saturday Night Live calls you when their ratings drop.

Astrological reason: My Venus is in Gemini
There’s a ton of information on this placement, yet I was entirely unaware of this until the reading.
The biggest astrological Aha moment of my life.
I finally understand why what I expect, in what I call “flirting”, from a man, feels like torture to them.
As if my expectation to be flirted with, at least when someone is interested, is something in the category of kicking them when they’re down. Something cruel.

My Venus in Gemini placement is the happiest and the best that I have to offer, and yet it is the gift almost no one wants. It are the games no one wants to play.
Least of all you, deep feeling Water sign.

However, if this is not you and if you did manage to melt the coating, or you cut it open, dug your fingers in and peeled it like a mango, then you would have found a skull made of an unknown material, and markings you could not decipher.
Except there was also a penis on there, and people doing each other. But those were probably a joke.

For Fire signs (Aries, Leo, Sagittarius):
What you will refuse to deal with.

General: Being bound in darkness

Specific examples Fire signs will refuse to deal with:
– being so vulnerable it hurts
– befriending our demons. And keeping an open heart for the ones still looking for good homes.
– night walks under the full moon
– regular chats about mortality and how it inspires us

Astrological reason: I am a Scorpio Rising, and have a dark planet in my first house as well.

However, if this is not you and if you did manage to solve the skull’s puzzle, and rescued the dark princess, you will find she starts disintegrating as soon as you expose her to the light.
The only way to save her, is to bury her, shielding her both from prying eyes as well as daylight.
And you can never show your dark princess to anyone you know.

For Air signs (Gemini, Libra, Aquarius):
What you will refuse to deal with.

General: My meticulously planned days, and tightly budgeted free time.

Specific examples Air signs will refuse to deal with:
– our dates and phone calls are scheduled in advance, and could have an end time.
– no emotional labor is included.
On the bright side: It’s not requested either. I will handle things myself.
– days out are timeboxed, as to allow all regular routines to continue as per usual.
– hard limit against sleepovers in general and bed sharing in particular
– in the extremely rare case I join you to an event, I will leave before the spell breaks and my chariot changes back into a pumpkin.

Astrological reason: I have a ton of Capricorn in my chart.

The hardest grinding sign of the zodiac, Capricorn will not just climb that impossible mountain; It will master it. However this will severely impact their mental capacity to deal with other people’s bullshit and only leaves room for purposeful and strategic socializing.
And sex that does not require too much fanfare.

Conclusion

I have loved you all so much. And if loving you personally was not really appropriate, then I have loved our time together. And if our time together was awkward and we both had to put up with so many things we would normally veto, then still, I loved the sex. 
None of you has ever disappointed me in the bedroom, although we both probably had to bring our A game to work around the other’s sensitivities to even get between the sheets;
And many of you hurt me in how you treated me after.

I will not forget your names, but I will forgive you because your lovemaking was worth it. And you also gave me great drama to write about. Where would I have been without your painful betrayals, and one could argue I drew blood first by being a writer and documenting our affair.
And you, my lover, were just the one who got even.

But what I understand now is that I have asked too much from all of you.

No one could entertain my Venus in Gemini;
Be King to a Leo queen;
Put up with Capricorn’s busy schedule;
And also be the Dark Warrior overpowering the Scorpio lover, so she could submit, cry, and break into your arms.
Finally and completely, letting go.

But I consider myself so lucky you were there, being a good partner to one of those four ladies, Leo, Venus in Gemini, Scorpio, Capricorn.

If you ever wondered if there was anything to clear between us, consider it cleared.

My Capricorn thanks the Earth signs (Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn)
for their companionship, and their groundedness.

She still sometimes tells the story of how one of you broke up with her by saying the date could not go through because you had to assemble an IKEA cupboard that Saturday.
Which she respected not just because it was funny, but also because you succeeded so well at keeping the entire breakup completely drama free.

The sex with you was hard won, my Earth signs.
Which was okay because we are all – Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn- workers. So you could say it suited us that way.
Work began weeks, months, sometimes years, before the first kiss.
I remember I always had to win your trust, and you refused to flirt. As if remarks at that level were so far beneath you, the only sensible choice was simply ignoring they ever happened.

Being with you gave me a sense of normalcy, in situations that were far from. You could say stripping ourselves from all decorum was the only way to make it work, when us being together was so out of the ordinary either for you, or for me or, which was the most common, for both of us.
Instead of blowing up our story to Hollywood proportions, we got naked and pretended everything was normal.

It allowed us to be together and enjoy each other, in situations that were so stressful it would have scared any other zodiac sign away.

I’ve thought about it, dear Earth sign, if I ever want another lover with your sign. And I would not have brought it up, if the answer was No. So the answer is Yes, I would. But in a very specific situation, which is to be lovers but without being in love.
It’s a rational, health-based kind of decision, where we lock this in because it is more efficient than having the lack of sex influence our dating life.
So I would definitely choose a man with an Earth sign if I wanted to build a solid, purely sexual arrangement together.

And I would work for it, because I know so would you.

Scorpio thanks the Water signs (Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces)
For going to the depths with her, and she definitely got in over her head with two of you, looking at you Cancer and Pisces.
Never forget that Scorpios cannot swim; we drown.
But I recovered, with valuable lessons learned. And the experience with another Scorpio was stable, satisfying and nothing short of wonderful. You did our sign good.

I once heard Scorpios like a little mind fuck, and the example was given you can really win them over by leaving money on the bedside table with a note to buy themselves something nice.
Especially effective if it was a man.

But I think this applies to all water signs and also, that the astrologer told us only half the story. They left out why such a coy daring gesture afterwards is so welcome;
To clean the sheet.
To counterbalance.
To break the spell of intimacy with the Water signs, that is simply too much for two humans to take. Using the full range Water signs have, means sex goes into territory we don’t really have capacity to hold.
Something neither of you know to regret or to rejoice in.

The one who leaves money on the table for the other, is the one who says:
“Snap out of it. Please see this as a game. Come back up from the depths my Love, the world is waiting.”

So I retroactively placed it there.
A red envelop, in the drawer with the toys.

Leo would like to thank the Fire signs (Aries, Leo, Sagittarius).
Even though there has never been a Sagittarius here.
But since both Brad Pitt and Nikki Sixx are Sagittarius I have faith you can consider yourself included.

Sex has never felt more natural than with you, my dear fire signs.
We really were the same species, even when you were the ram and I assume would have preferred a barn and a herd instead of a pack of two in a den.
But despite our differences we always made it work.
And I’m so glad we went for it, fire signs, and regret the times I didn’t.
Dating fire signs has been a solid and rewarding experience. For both of us, I hope.

If you wonder what I would write, if sex was a business and I gave you a Google review – and I hope to know you well enough to know you got a kick out of that comparison –
Then I would highly recommend you and praise your passion and your generosity.
You were such a tremendous giver, and never denied me sex. There was always more to be had, and if we didn’t it was because I was holding grudges, or blocked in some way, or simply because I was totally satisfied and had enough.
It was all equal to you, a No is a No, and you never pressed for reasons.

I would leave you a 5 star review.

And finally,
my Venus in Gemini wants to thank the Air signs (Gemini, Libra, Aquarius)

Even though she doesn’t think she ever dated Gemini and is unsure about Aquarius. But she has definitely flirted with all of you, so consider yourself included.

My dear Air signs, you were the only ones who kept up with the Goddess. The only ones for whom she did not have to slow down, nor come down to earth and be bothered with the never-ending demands of the world.
We lived not just with our heads in the clouds, but with our whole being because we were always thought, and thought alone.
We were ideas, we were knowledge, we were jokes, we were ideasjokesknowledge and created a whole new plane of existence where only our love existed and no one could touch us.
A castle in the sky that was forever expanding until, of course, it wasn’t.

Life pinched the balloon and let us fall down to earth.
A fate we quickly accepted, and always recovered from without deep wounds or grudges. We came out as unbothered as we had entered.

If you wonder what I remember, sexually speaking, then it was that you never gave me a hangover. Meaning sex with you came without hidden emotional cost, when other signs cost a day or more of coaching myself over crippling shame, doubt and vulnerability.
Sex with you was carefree, like M&Ms without calories.

It was simple, sweet and surprisingly uncomplicated.

For all signs:

If any excuse is needed from me to you, then I hereby apologize. As explained my astrological chart has been pulling me into four distinctly different directions, and I agree that this information would have been useful at an earlier stage.
But when you know better, you do better.

I now know what I am looking for, and that dating me should probably come with disclaimers.

And for a moment there, I thought I would give them.

But nah.

Venus in Gemini thinks it kills the vibe.
Scorpio is not concerned unless blood is involved.
Leo assumes people know who she is.
And Capricorn just can’t bother.

If you read this, consider yourself informed.

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

 

Episode 4
The Horned Ones

Topic: Aries, Taurus, and Capricorn Men 

Management summary: 
You can leave your hooves on.
—

There are three signs represented by a hoofed animal:
Aries, Taurus and Capricorn.

Aries, the ram, is the very first sign of the zodiac. It is the only fire sign of the three, and represents new beginnings, and childlike strength and willpower.
But anyone who is familiar with the 90s series Xena, the Warrior Princess, will not need any of those pointers because Aries was personified as the Greek God Ares, Xena’s on and off lover in the series.

This Divine Masculine was immoral, impossible, evil more often than not, and of course totally irresistible.
Their history was a long and problematic one, where he was the one, if I recall correctly, who put the warrior into the princess.
And she was his Warrior Queen on many battles before she converted to being a warrior who saved people, instead of slaying them.

But the spark between them never died, and they did rekindle their affair occasionally later on in the series, when his personality had become more friendly.

Xena’s Ares God of War =  forever the sign of Aries.
I will die on that ancient Greek hill.
And yet, I will also eat my words on this. Because “my” Aries lovers had nothing in common with Ares, God of War. 

They were gentle, layered and, although they never shared their depths with me; It was obviously all there.
Referring to them as “the child of the zodiac”, would be selling them short in a major way.
So although for this first introduction I have introduced Aries to you by means of Ares, God of War, beware that this is only for as long as this article runs.
And then I’ll have you change your mind.

The second hoofed one, is going to be extremely short; Taurus.

Because I have never fallen in love with a Taurus man.
They’re ruled by Venus, just like the sign of Libra, an easy sign for me to fall in love with.
So it’s very odd that out of these two signs (Libra and Taurus) – both harmonious, both creating a life around beauty and art and good food (Taurus is even more associated with good food than Libra) – I have an overwhelming preference for Libra, and Taurus is one of the signs I don’t think I’ve ever fallen in love with.

Apparently Venus the Goddess of Love does not appear for me, through the sign of Taurus, but will always open the door to love through the sign of Libra.

So if you fall in love with a Taurus, I’d say:
Go for it. You will definitely not regret it, and will probably be sold on them for life.
But Taurus does not appear to be my type, as far as falling in love goes.

I do however have a great relationship with the female Taurusses in my life, but this series is called In the Stars “where I talk about men” (not women), so I’m not going to write about female Taurus, Capricorn or Aries.

The final one with horns; Capricorn.
Oh, where do I start?!
All good, all good, but can we start off with Capricorn being something of an acquired taste?
Because I think it is, they are. Capricorns are not for the faint at heart, but worth it every hoofed step of the treacherous way.

For context to these bold claims: In Tarot, the sign of Capricorn is associated with the major arcana card “The Devil”. 
Taurus with The Hierophant, the religious advisor.
And Aries with the unapologetic leadership of The Emperor.
Capricorn did not have a lucky draw here but arguably, they did have the most interesting one.

Which could explain why Capricorn energy has been quite abundant throughout my life! There seems to be an understanding between us, in a grounded, stable, no fuss way, that provides a foundation on which we can basically build anything we fancy.
And that, is rare.
There is a sturdiness to them and if I had to choose one man, one sign, to end up on a deserted island, I’d choose the sign of Capricorn.

Just like mountain goats are the only ones skilled to climb rough terrain with dangerous cliffs, in the same way Capricorn men are the only ones who can survive the rough challenges capitalism presents.
Or deserted islands.
The only ones who will have their emotions under control, and will fill up their brains with whatever is required to move forward in life.
Until they reach the top.

On the foot of the mountain, I am with an Aries man.
Our fire isn’t big enough to provide enough warmth to compensate what feels like a cold between us.
It’s not a hostile one, more like a draft. The unmistakable sign that two people, although well intentioned, have hid a brick wall mostly within themselves.
Something they cannot express, but they both know the evening will not recover from this. It’s over.

With an Aries man neither one will get what they want, it will always fall short. Either on the date itself, or in the months after.
And always for the exact same reasons:
Because one of you or (more likely) both, are bringing expectations or hopes that you fail to verbalize. Not even after they were not magically picked up and met.

Aries men and me took action moving the connection forward, yes.
The encounters carried an element of bravery in them, that is usually absent from the dating game.

But our action-taking nor our bravery were rewarded by a happily ever after, but with an experience that would force us to look at our inner-world. To face the very thing we didn’t want to face, and had secretly hoped the other would magically fix for us.

Dating an Aries man is not flawless, nor spectacular, nor everything you dreamed of. But because he faces the pushback head on, and carries that pain of whatever it was the two of you bumped into, he still sets an inspiring example.

You will come out having learned extremely important lessons.
Which, I assume, really could not have been learned any other way.
Where your blind spots are and to take responsibility for what you want.
Because he sure as hell isn’t going to.

The series’ intro explains;
“She was Xena, a mighty princess, forged in the heat of battle.”

An Aries Man is the one who will turn every princess, ultimately and inevitably;
Into a warrior.

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living