Category: Harteveld 2025*

But I do not think that is true.

We are not born with this.

The Shadow, or at least my shadow, was created through interaction with society. And originally it was simply a dumping ground for characteristics society did not accept.

To be honest, I think most people are fine just working around those unwanted aspects of themselves. And understand the benefits of being a functioning and perhaps even respected member of society.
An understanding of what’s at stake, if they would show all of themselves instead of the polished version.

On a side note, I don’t think the exchange itself is unfair. It’s that the exchange stays implicit.
We were all forced into this agreement, and with that paid the price of creating a shadow, of all that was never welcome.

All a lengthy way to say: I know I’m lucky.

Lucky to no longer go along with this hidden process of suppression.
And lucky to take the time to integrate this darker side, and on repeat, judging by the number of older blog posts dedicated to this.

And yet somehow, despite apparently having gone through this on a regular basis, it all feels so vibrant this time! As if I finally get it.

 “It” is an advertisement I saw years ago: Disappear for 6 weeks and come back a dark femme

I just saw the screenshot, but remembered the text as the more old fashioned term; To return, a Dark Femme.

So I just started my new iteration of:
Disappear for 6 weeks and return a Dark Femme

What’s interesting is that Google gives an AI answer right now, practically giving you a blueprint for it.
Years ago, it was a paid program, I saw an advertisement for.

If AI ever goes down for 6 weeks, we now know how they’ll come back!

How they will, Return.

.~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

unrelated quote from Deadpool & Wolverine:
“There is an Enya box set?” (yes)

For someone who has always had a thing for younger men, and is not satisfied until she has a working protocol covering every possible scenario, I have been surprisingly slow with this.

However, when I finally decided to open up about it to someone I trust and who is also qualified to say something about it, my thoughts on the matter came out better formed than I had expected.
Apparently, even without writing or speaking about it, my mind had been trying to crack the code of how to deal with a love situation if the man is significantly younger.

A blueprint that cannot be static, because I have detected a strong preference for a certain cohort;
Not an age.
So our age difference will stay the same, but their age and life phase will be changing.

Right now they’re usually in their 30s, which comes with a story of its own, because when I was in my 30s I discovered very quickly I did not want to date men my age.
They always left to go have a serious relationship.

I particularly did not like the way they behaved in the final stages, measuring me up against the future mother of their children.
It wasn’t the fact that they settled down, I resented. It was how they flipped the script as if that had anything to do with me.

Silently, I thought: “See you after the divorce.”
Which I imagined would be when they’d be about 50.

And now here I am, no longer interested in them at all. The men I fall in love with have been younger consistently.

“I want it to be about them,” I said when I finally opened up.
“I want us to live it out, so they get what they need to move on.”

And I thought of the 2001 movie Sweet November, where Charlize Theron devotes the remainder of her life to helping one man each month, to change his life.
Keanu Reeves is November.
And there is a certain beauty to the synchronicity, because Charlize Theron recently shared she had an experience with a younger lover too.
And was so happy to have space for this in her life.

The way I see it, my protocol will be a maximum of one younger lover a year.
Short enough not to disrupt his life, his dreams, his destiny.

Long enough to compensate for the fact that, of course;
He will break my heart.

.~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

The strange sabotage that is kind of ingrained into the fabric of our coming-together, is me not being what I appear to be.

I am a woman but I think the reason my click with men is so weird is because on the inside I am a man. A gay one.

I did not fact check but I heard or it was claimed that’s how Madonna described her sexuality. As being a gay man in a woman’s body. And maybe because of that I have used it as a sort of tongue in cheek label to describe myself but never looked into it.
The catchy-ness of the phrase “gay-man in a woman’s body” was a bit of a conversation stopper and I never thought it through what the consequence was.
And if maybe, it could explain the unsatisfactory patterns in my love life.
But obviously, it can!

We were heterosexual when the magic was most likely rooted in the sameness. Like a bromance, but in two heterosexual bodies.

And I now realize that however short or long it lasted, I never felt like a woman who was rejected;
But like a man who saw a friend turn his back on him.

No wonder that fucking hurt.

.~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

There is a conversation in Basic Instinct 2, a film probably only two people saw and half of them wrote this piece.

In the movie, the police psychiatrist asks writer Catherine Tramell, who is suspected with reckless driving causing the death of a lover:
“Do you ever write about yourself?”
She denies at which he asks her why not.

“Maybe I like to just sit back and get other people to reveal themselves. For instance, you look a little divorced.”

For over a decade, I did write about myself, and considered myself a diarist and erotica writer.
But by now, I’m enjoying sitting back getting other people to reveal themselves.
Without the smallest spark to ever reveal anything, ever again.

Instinctively, I’ve known this for a couple of years now. But it has definitely taken me a while to understand the Why, of not being an erotica writer, slash, diarist again.
The identifiable structure, underpinning it all.

Which was: normalcy.
Belonging.
A life of leaving no stone left unturned, and liberating myself from social and sexual constructs, was made possible because literally at the end of the day, I went to work as a yoga teacher.

And although the majority of my students knew I was also a writer, they always knew that was a separate world.
We all seemed to crave the yogaclass for its predictability and uneventfulness.

And that is a foundational structure to my life, that will never happen again.

Moving forward, I am aiming for a few markers that will bring parts of what I had back into my professional life.
Predictability, comradery, and even yoga itself.
But I do not see a way (yet?) to successfully lay out the full puzzle ever again.

And maybe ultimately, this turn is actually the way life intended it to be.
A good thing, in particular for that body of work that used to be my lived experience.
Because it has created distance from it, that allows me to start taking proper care of everything I wrote during those years.

To act as an agent and publisher of that past work, instead of still being consumed by the life that created it.

Like people inheriting and unpacking enormous collections or buying and restoring once abandoned houses.

I’m just happy to take care of it.

.~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

Rage.
That was the unexpected but so very welcome emotion. Somewhere between 1.5 and 25 years late.

But of course, as is often the case with her (I insist on calling rage feminine, the gender that can make the biggest claim to feeling it) I had no idea she was on her way, nor that she would bring an important message.

Because fuck that shit!
I let the bad guys (I insist on this being male) take my chosen profession away, poison it and internalize the loss of it, now questioning if I had ever wanted it.
Which was to be a yoga teacher.
My choice, late 20th century.
And it was one of the most authentic, heartfelt choices I had ever made.

Yoga, to me, meant mastery and therefor autonomy over one’s body.
It was liberating.
An act of rebellion.
A path to freedom.
It was a Fuck That Shit, with Punk Rock gusto.

Yet, what did I do?
I let it slip, fizzle out, a slow and painful death.
And now that I’ve switched industries, to something that I both love but also pays the fucking bills (I think I’ll keep swearing about this, for the rest of the century);
Now, I recoil.
Now, I realize what I fucking lost, and let capitalism and patriarchy win.

Patriarchy, because you can’t be a powerful female yoga teacher, who inspires physical liberation, in a system that represses sexuality for everyone, and objectifies women on top of that.

It’s impossible to be the professional giving people (I insist on this being all genders) physical autonomy when they have never been allowed to feel in the first place.

In retrospect, I had tiptoed around the force I knew would be unlocked if I taught yoga from power, and without watering it down.
I could not make myself do it, for many reasons, most of them purely professional. But also out of fear.

Because the system does not let you become The Great Liberator, and let you live. And if you’re a woman, you don’t even have to be a Great Liberator to be considered a threat. Staying unseen does not equal safety for us, and visibility compounds to very bad things.

Until it’s 2026, and although I fully understand why I abandoned teaching yoga, and acknowledge I never taught it the way I intended it;
Now, it is time.

Let me rephrase;
It is fucking time.

.
.~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

It happened when I had my own place again. And depending on how you count, you could say it was actually the very first time that I had my own place.
Just for me.

The lease was temporary, but it was with a real building cooperation, not with a landlord.

It should have felt isolating.
I was used to living with other people and even when I wasn’t, I had a partner one phone call away.
We shared dinners, and we shared our bed.
I was never really alone.

Until after a long process of letting each other go;
I was.
And it was absolutely intoxicating.

Now by this time I had a decade of spirituality under my belt. My shelves were filled with books about yoga, Tantra and Louise Hay;
I had a double yoga teacher certification, one of them a 4 year yoga training.

But nothing had prepared me for the instant enlightenment the moment I started living alone.

And there was something that magnified the effect;
I didn’t have internet.
It would not be connected for months, I ran my yoga business from my landline and checked email on the computer at a gym where I worked.

When the pleasant haze had worn off, I thought I understood what had happened which was that living alone, had made me enlightened.
In other words; We are all, already, enlightened!
But our social structures repress it.

You do not need a retreat or to spend years in an ashram.
You “just” need to live alone.
This is usually way more expensive than even the most expensive retreat, and not encouraged by the society we live in (in particular not when you are a woman);
But still!
I decided to never forget this insight.
Living alone = enlightenment

I am currently coming out of a profound and prolonged period of social isolation. By now, none of my relationships are casual anymore;
They’re chosen.

And looking back on the earlier experience, I realize;
I didn’t understand all of it.
Because early 21st century me could not yet see WHY living alone had led to enlightenment.
What it had been, that had kept her in darkness when she lived a more connected life;
Unseen social dynamics.

My earlier interpretation had been very personal.
I thought it was him, I thought it was me, I assumed it was us.
But our heterosexual relationship had been an entry point where expectations of the whole World could come in.

A place for myself, was the foundation.
The recent time period of isolation, an initiation.

And the real journey, has only just begun.
.
.~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

I’m just so curious, how this story ends!
But that does not take away from the point, which is that it will end well either way.
Regardless if that ending is Disney-worthy or not.

The story started yesterday when I finished an analysis of my entire love life, which had taken me two days to write. Yet had felt worth it, every inch of the way.

Its end conclusion came down to the insight that my love life was never gonna work out.

And I used astrology to come to this conclusion, but the conclusion must have been sitting somewhere, waiting to jump at the first opportunity to make itself known.
Because it didn’t feel like new; It felt inevitable.
Joyful even.

It was the moment my current lifestyle – completely immersed in creativity yet with a worrying: “But how am I gonna sustain this?!” – got a well-deserved upgrade!
The packed, art-filled work schedule, was promoted from being temporary to being a permanent resident.
And all the worry, which had been accumulating over the years, fell off me.

I could see the storyline unfolding from:
“God, I sure hope this (lack of love life situation) clears up soon.”
To:
“Well, better start making the best of this situation, amping up on the creativity.”
To what I thought was the final point:
“Oh wait! If I want this love to be EPIC then I need to uplevel my life! Hard!”
You can’t have your Twin Flame arriving, and your life being a mess.

But now?
Oh this was an entirely new energy.

I am now at:
“My life is centered around my art and creativity. And a new love? He will just have to eagerly, lovingly and completely wrap himself around that.”

And although this felt so good I immediately declared this new direction my new gospel, I couldn’t help but to take one extra peek at it.

Because why had this empowering conclusion presented itself, after writing that blogpost?
And I found it.

The blogpost had said my love life was never gonna work out, because of four distinctly different aspects to my charts.
Resulting in 4 different personas; A Leo, a Scorpio, Capricorn and Venus in Gemini.
I was 4 women into one.

Which meant that, obviously;
I am already spoken for.
.
.~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

A Dark Chosen One.
Scorpio Rising.
A Dark Queen.
Three titles from blogposts out of the top of my head, from the past few years.
And the last title is as recent as early January, so my need to write about this is accelerating. Which is unsettling for multiple reasons.

Writing is one of the few ways I can address this.
What it’s like if what you are on the outside does not have anything to do with who you are inside.

But every time I write about this issue it seems to solve little. If anything, it highlights the contrast, making it more disturbing and the dissonance more prominent.

Every time I put it into words, I feel more disheartened.
And yet also closer to solving the riddle of how I came into being.
Why this dark woman exists and why she is so deeply alone.

It is because I did not come into this dark power by myself.
She was awakened by my last lover, years ago.
Now that I am no longer his mistress, I am responsible for this awakened dark, sexual queen!

But it’s not just the fact that he is no longer in my life;
It’s my day-to-day life itself, that has not changed in her favor.
I have less space for her than in the years when she was still welcomed by the both of us.

So the way I see it today, is that this new blogpost, the fourth time I write about “her”, comes with an understanding that of course she’s causing problems.
She wasn’t there in the past, not like this!
There are many parts of her which I recognize, of course I do. She didn’t come out of nowhere.

But this blogpost is my acknowledgement that she was born, with him.
She chose our affair, and that forbidden bed, to come into being.
She was born into our affair, like Pallas Athena fully grown from the head of Zeus.

I have done more astrological research, and I can see where she is in my chart.
But there’s also a public persona there, that can function without needing my breath.
The “fake me” is me as well! Which is beautiful.

Yet this dark side that is completely private, and no one sees her, not even when I say she’s here.
But I have shed enough tears over not being seen, and cried enough over him leaving.

And a throne is waiting.
Our, throne.
.
.~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

Initially, I thought it was just me having higher standards now.
And they were installed intentionally, so I thought this was a New Me or something.

Until I realized this is who I have been all along.

The discovery started when I tried to specify (don’t freak out!) where I want to reincarnate or dwell;
A place (a realm, most likely) where I only love.
I don’t want to do anything else.

Only to conclude that, of course, this meant my first job was to create a life of love here on earth, as an experiment but also because I suspect they don’t hand out passes to The Realms of Infinite Love like peanuts.
I will have to build a case for myself, to prove I am ready.
A case built on what I did with my current life.

I will live a life of love, now.

And in my case I know for a fact this is unconditional, divine, romantic love.
This is a proven spiritual path, I didn’t make it up. Just that it’s not really practiced in the west, although Christianity also has elements of it.

Romantic divine love itself, is the complete path. It is not a first act in something that should lead to sex or a relationship, although both could happen.
It’s about the devotion itself.
And that is what I have always wanted, ever since my first idol when I was 12.

If they don’t have realms with unconditional divine romantic love in the afterlife, then I’m willing to go general. But here on earth I know that romance is the strongest spiritual lead.
This devotion has been there my whole life just that I forgot about it. Or chose to ignore it when it proved to be incredibly impractical.
Creating intense drama, because I also wanted other things from them.

I decided to get practical, starting with no longer having my heart broken.
Romantic divine love had to go.
This new phase in my life required strategy. Which in turn, and after many years, I was able to turn into standards.
I’ll keep an eye on them, if they let the right man/men through effortlessly.
But their protective function has already proven to be reliable.

This means I can safely return to romantic love as it once came natural to me.
As devotion.
.
.~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

“What message for my readers?”

The past few weeks I have integrated receiving messages through reading Tarot cards.
It brings me into the present moment, it grounds me (threads me) into reality. 

My readings are private – and my interpretations deeply personal – but I do have one deck which came to me in an unexpected way. Having been used by someone else.
I call it The Tarot Of The World, and consult it to tell me what I should know about what is coming.

Today, I consulted this deck for the first time, to do a reading for someone else:
You.

After selecting I turned the three cards, and what immediately stood out was the middle one: The Tower.
Considered the worst card in Tarot, and this is precisely the reason I don’t do readings last thing before bed!
This Tower is the apocalyptic center of our reading.

However, it is flanked by two cards of serenity and peace:
The Ace of Pentacles, depicting a large spirit hand holding a big golden coin;
And the Two of Cups, with two young people, both wearing a garland crown on their head, facing each other and respectfully raising their glass.

The numbers represented on the cards are:
1 – 16 – 2
16 is the number on The Tower, so this could indicate something happening on either the 16th of February or January.
I am doing this reading on the 14th of January, like I always do days prior to posting!
Only to realize now that, of course, this reading needs to go out today.

Messages for other people are not meant to be contained in my WordPress for 4 days.

I think the 16 goes with February (the “2” on the third card) and not with “1” (the Ace of the first card) but I can’t be sure.

So the way I read it is in chronological form:
We are currently in the Ace of Pentacles phase. Our work here is to stay “in spirit”, to keep a clear head, and to take care of our earthly possessions.

Then a clash or chaos of some sort will happen. Whether collectively or individually.

And afterwards we will find ourselves cherishing a renewed connection, in particular with a partner or new person in our lives.

The winged lion’s head and Aesculapius’ staff above the couple, indicating health, protection;
And divine covenant.

.
.~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living