This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara
Before our call I always give her a headsup.

I imagine having to sit them down, the men in my life. Plural sounding overly optimistic here, but I need this approach, this policy or battleplan if you will, to be neutral, non-personal and fully functional, regardless of how often I need it.
Which could range anywhere between “never” and becoming the new standard of all my relationships. 

I hope the honesty gives the talk a certain intimacy. But know it will also carry the weight of my loneliness. It is a moment of confirmation that I chose, and accept its many consequences.

I imagine what I say to be something like:
“I understand your desire for more commitment, but I cannot offer that. 
I want to mean something for the world at large and I can’t do that when I’m tied to someone else.”

This will all be true, but the warmth in my voice will reveal this is the rehearsed story. And that it’s now up to them to ask and dig deeper.
Or choose to leave it here. 

An Armed Mission.

I landed on the word mission, because that’s how I see it;
And it’s a way of living, not a defined end point. 
But defending or accomplishing a purposeful way of living requires just as much discernment, as having a defined end point, the way a classical mission would.

And I have thought this through, and have found the concept of friendship to be the safest and most beneficial one to strive for.
But it will not be what men expect of a woman when they court her, nor is it what they will want to give when looking for something casual.

My unisex friendship-model will be too light or too much.
And yet, it’s what will have to do.

But where the cold war (an “armed peace”, comparable to my armed mission) was ended by world leaders talking to one another, I cannot end mine.
Because what I distrust is not represented by one person, it is the underlying constructs, thought patterns, and systems.
There is no point in talking to one person about toxic masculinity, because patriarchy is the very water in which we swim.

Recently, specific details on systemic and normalized violence against women surfaced, which Dutch media did not cover and I’m glad they didn’t although I don’t believe that means we don’t have the same problem here.
And after the first shock I immediately recovered thinking;
“Why am I still upset hearing this?”
Because it went directly against a promise I had made to myself years ago.

I have witnessed how surprise about what is being done to you, severely undermines your ability to respond and strategize. Being surprised by aggression, which is usually the case if the perpetrator is someone you know, immobilizes you and traumatizes you.
It becomes a double blow to your system; The violence you experienced plus the lack of trust in your own capabilities to assess people’s true nature correctly.

I vowed I would do everything in my power, to never let that happen to me.
That I would assess every situation, every person, and rather be wrong avoiding someone, or blocking someone out, than to be a victim after trusting someone.
Trust became something that had to be earned, yet was still never really given.

Since then, my stance has become both milder as well as more firmly rooted.
Milder, because I no longer focus on individual accountability.
And stronger, because rooted in the conviction that society’s global systems and cultures enable and encourages violence and set us up against one another.

Instead of asking: “Can this person be trusted?”
I scan: “What is the group, larger culture, or partnership, this person is part of?”
I make a risk assessment about how toxic it could get, how easily I will be sacrificed, but even if it all comes out clear I know for a fact they cannot afford to sacrifice their belonging there.
Not because they’re bad people, but because not belonging to these structures  (of social groups, of government, of religion, of family, of your employer paying you) can kill you.

Over the years I have understood no one can be trusted, and why. And I’m okay with that. I would have chosen belonging too, if that had been an option.

“This is my last life on earth,” I say, strategically bypassing a discussion about what happens after death.
“Perhaps it is my only life, I don’t know.
Either way, I’m not coming back.
All I know is that I have to get this one right.
Do anything I can, to live a worthy life.

But I would love for you to be my friend.”

And hope they say yes.

.
~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

Books 

My diaries are available at LULU 
New books will be added.

Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/