Mistress becomes rock star

Dear Sara,
.
The category:
Things Thou Shalt Not Do After Three Christmas Dinners, 
should include an activity Trying to make sense of the past two weeks and write a review for your creativity coach.
So my apologies!
I might forget to mention some of the minor life events.
.
These are the big ones.
.

1 I’ve registered as an entrepreneur with the Chamber of Commerce

I don’t even recall exactly what the line of reasoning was, just that I knew it was my one-way ticket to becoming my alias Lauren Harteveld. 
The burn-the-boat variation.
By registering under that name I was breathing life into Lauren and made it practically impossible to ever again accept some kind of grey mouse job, regardless of the level.
My work under this name would never be omitted anymore out of my resume.
I was Lauren Harteveld.
I was so nervous about registering, I didn’t tell anyone. Like an adult or something!
It felt very cheeky not to ask advice from, or inform my bookkeeper or mother beforehand.
But I knew I had to do it, and wanted to do it before I lost my nerve.
.

2 I m going away during the three weeks of indoor refurbishment

The quality of living (I don t even want to call it quality) is going to be so ridiculously low, staying in my apartment is no longer an option. And I also spent two nights at my mother’s for last week’s asbestos renovation.
But to think I would do that three weeks, is not empowering at all.

I m going to try to get a replacement apartment funded by the building cooperation based on medical grounds. That lurking burnout and continuing heart problems could be of use after all. 
But if that is not an option I m going to get like an AirB&B in the city. I want to be near my friends, not isolated in a resort (I do everything by bike)
.

3 I ve stopped writing about my love life and now blog about becoming the first Dutch 7-figure Rock Star Writer

After 12 years of writing about my quest from dare I say zero to hero- fighting my demons and stepping into the sexuality that was truly mine, it is now time to move on.
Writing about it has brought me many things and has allowed me to be in relationships most sane people would avoid or get crushed by.
But I feel it s currently starting to work against me.
By becoming Lauren Harteveld with regard to work, I ve also ensured that in this area too, I cannot go back.
The option to just pretend I m Mr.Big’s new mousy girlfriend, got cancelled.
I am Lauren Harteveld, and anyone who dates me will be dating Lauren Harteveld, the mistress or former mistress.
For the past half year or so, things have been changing between Mr.Big and me.
Or maybe just with him, and I felt I was left on the breadcrumb side of the relationship.
By quitting writing about our affair, I feel I m no longer nourishing, or writing to life, something that he may not even be paying attention to anymore.
Or maybe it’s to find out if he’s paying attention.

And find out if what we had is still there, once I stop trying so hard.
.

4 I ve completely internalized my sexuality 

Ironically, after prioritizing my career over my love life, my libido returned.
It was in deplorable shape. Probably due to workers on my scaffolding from 7 AM, from sleeping at my mom’s house, and as a result from my worries about Mr.Big.
And I also had the asbestos renovation.
Having to clean out your entire kitchen, and having to put it back two days later, is not a very invigorating way to spend your time.

I felt/feel like Cinderella’s construction work sister; a victim of pointless and mundane tasks that involved moving refrigerators around.
So although I had an explanation for not feeling sexual, I didn’t have an explanation why I had my libido restored the minute I shifted my focus.
And not just the lust for it!
I experienced way stronger orgasms than I ever remember having!
It was comparable to when I was in my early thirties and I had a sudden rise in libido and my orgasms were way stronger.
But that was because I quit the pill.
I can’t exactly put my finger on this (this was not punned I swear), but I was very happy with it.
It made me feel healthy (instead of like a dried out pea) and it made masturbation rewarding! And worth scheduling it into my day.
But today I had an even more next level experience, when I decided I was going to pay way more attention to feeling sexual or romantic with myself. I looked it up and it s called auto-sexual or auto-romantic.
And the thought of shifting focus from Mr.Big/Other men, to me, is very inspiring.
I feel like everything I wanted to achieve body wise (losing weight, doing yoga), and all my self-care; will be so much easier to stick with because now it’s directly and only for me.
Also the loneliness associated with working hard will be far less intimidating because I just became my own best friend.
.
I think that’s it! 
My career plan is to finish four books – I ve already contacted photographer and graphic designer about all my ideas, and that will be done in the upcoming weeks.
After I ve published those books I m going to put myself out there as a speaker.
And sell my books/ get PR from there.
I want everybody to know who LS Harteveld is, but I m not going to present myself as only a writer.
I m going to put my stories and myself first. Books second.
.
So I feel like I ve wrapped up twelve years of being a mistress, and started my new phase:
Of being the first Dutch 7-figure rock star writer.
.
She doesn’t need a publisher.
She needs a stage.
.

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

7-Figure Rock Star Writer

Mistress becomes rock star is episode 11 of my project 7-figure rock star writer

Subscribe to get inspired!
And feel free to unsubscribe, resubscribe, ignore,
and binge as often as you want!
The subscribe button is somewhere on this page

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my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

—- Nederlandse boeken tijdelijk direct verkrijgbaar —-

I quit writing (about my love life)

Project M. and in particular its last chapter Like a Prayer is my final diary for an indefinite period of time. 

I ve been writing about my love life, pretty much non-stop, since 2006, the moment I became single. And although it has brought me many things – in particular the opportunity to have relationships that are way out of my league – it has now started to constrict me.
The cage of self-reflection and transparency, that I built to protect myself, has become a prison.
I need to start living, and start experiencing life, without the pen.
Or at least without diary writing/ blogging about my real life.

I m going to use this time to create my four new books

One Dutch book with columns:
Blote Kont
Verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit

One English book with columns:
I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW

One English book about Mistresshood:
The Big Mistress

And one diary 2017-2018, called Reboot.
Which will also include my last diary Project M.

Bringing sexy back (home)

Only last week I was still worried about my sexuality.
I didn’t masturbate anymore.
Or very little.
I knew I felt better at times when I did masturbate and preferably daily.
But I just couldn’t make myself.
It probably started when the scaffolding was up, and I couldn’t lie in bed in private unless I closed the curtains.
Which were extra dark and heavy, to protect me from prying eyes.
But the only times I went to bed was to nap if I was particularly sleep deprived from a combination of not being able to sleep due to all the stress,
and still wanting to get up early, either because they needed to be in my house.
Or because I wanted to be dressed and behind my desk the time the construction workers started their work on the outside of the building.
Still in the dark.
Sun doesn’t get up until 8.30
The past few weeks were pretty sleep-deprived due to the more or less involuntary early start on weekdays so when my head hit the pillow all I wanted to do was sleep.
Perhaps the overnight recovery of my libido was because they all left for their 2 week holiday recess.
But the past couple of days my sexuality is right back where I left it, plus more.
I masturbate every day and the orgasms are deeper than they used to be.
The leap is comparable to around the time I was thirty, when the same thing happened. I was in a long-term relationship but just like now my sex-life hardly included any real sex.
I felt the change based on masturbation alone.
I have that same leap in sexual zest right now.
The improvement surprised me because after twelve years of giving my single love life my undivided attention, I had just changed direction.
From now on I was focused on becoming the first Dutch 7-figure rock star writer, and my secret lover Mr.Big could just go do whatever he wanted because being dependent on when he had time, had figured things out, or waiting for him to come around, was no longer satisfying.
I wasn’t saying that I would never see him again.
Nor that I didn’t love him anymore.
But I had decided that I wasn’t going to WAIT.
FIT IN.
BEND OVER THE FUCK BACKWARDS TO HAVE SEX WITH THE MAN I LOVE.
I needed all my energy, sanity and self-esteem for this new goal I had.
In theory, and this is all hypothetical, I could become one of those strong career women who have carefree, satisfying sex, with a variety of lovers.
Late at night, after a hard day of work, when she needs to relax and texts a man if he fancies a drink.
But I don’t do carefree.
I don’t do low-maintenance.
Mainly because I put in so much work and effort in order to have a good time.
With most men I had to do the mental work, the making-conversation AND creating the environment and mindset/idea which would make make me want to have sex.
I ve been good at sex because I could let go, or compensate for everything the other person wasn’t able to deliver. Or for every feeling that I lacked for him.
Intimacy.
Emotions.
Arousal.
If I needed to I could spin the whole entire thing.
But this also means that sex for me is draining, a lot of fucking work.
I m sure that in those twelve years I ve had multiple lovers who did do more than their share.
But at this point in my life, having renounced the entire concept that I m ever going to do his work, make his excuses, and settle for anyone who’s not emotionally mature enough, not interested enough, not socially skilled enough to make the whole entire thing work like fricking magic?
I just can’t think of anyone.
In my mind my entire sex life, including the four years with Mr.Big, have been about me putting in effort, and them just leaning back into their flaws and insecurities.
Not gonna do that ever again.
My relationship with Mr.Big was different from all the other ones not just because I felt attracted to him, and also because he was really good when we were together.
The moments we were actually together – I never had to do his work.
With him I had to work when we weren’t.
But after four years, and experiencing another level of being excluded from his life, I m done playing this game.
I m losing.
Where I once enjoyed having him in my life, without being thrown out like all his other side-dates;
And without jeopardizing his marriage, which was obviously important to him or he would have divorced her;
Something has changed.
And I would be very surprised if that started with me having enough.
I would be giving myself too much credit.
I think it started with him giving me less, and me ultimately starting to feel unwanted.
I decided last week I was not going to invest anything in my love life again, and focus entirely on my career.
And what happened?
My sexuality restored.
ALL with fantasies based on Mr.Big and me.
There have been times in my life when I have tried to quit masturbating to him. So that if he would end things with me, I wouldn’t lose my favorite masturbation fantasies along with it.
But now I see something else happened.
I have completely internalized our sex life. Him and me.
I can actually afford not investing in our flaky lover/mistress relationship, and also let him be with whomever he wants to be.
I don’t need him for the best love life ever.
I ve got everything I need right here, in my head.
I don’t need him any more than he needs me. 

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

7-Figure Rock Star Writer

I m bringing sexy back (home) is episode 10 of my project 7-figure rock star writer

Subscribe to get inspired!
And feel free to unsubscribe, resubscribe, ignore,
and binge as often as you want!
The subscribe button is somewhere on this page

Or follow on Facebook or Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

My diaries en erotica are available at 
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

—- Nederlandse boeken tijdelijk direct verkrijgbaar —-

I quit writing (about my love life)

Project M. and in particular its last chapter Like a Prayer is my final diary for an indefinite period of time. 

I ve been writing about my love life, pretty much non-stop, since 2006, the moment I became single. And although it has brought me many things – in particular the opportunity to have relationships that are way out of my league – it has now started to constrict me.
The cage of self-reflection and transparency, that I built to protect myself, has become a prison.
I need to start living, and start experiencing life, without the pen.
Or at least without diary writing/ blogging about my real life.

I m going to use this time to create my four new books

One Dutch book with columns:
Blote Kont
Verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit

One English book with columns:
I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW

One English book about Mistresshood:
The Big Mistress

And one diary 2017-2018, called Reboot.
Which will also include my last diary Project M.

Purpose heals all wounds

Recently I ve encountered the question of Loneliness And What To Do With It?
In several different shapes.
The loneliness that causes or aggravates alcoholism.
Loneliness that is at the root of depression.
And the loneliness which is an almost physical pain, an urgent need, screaming out for physical contact.
I read an article about depression and loneliness, and it brought me tears. I was almost at the point where I acknowledged in how much pain I was, and had been the entire year already.
I was about to recognize it, and give in to my craving for a deep and meaningful relationship, in particular with a man.

One that involved seeing each other not just on our highs, but also on our moments of weakness.
I saw myself investing way more in friendships and family.
And thank God I could have a cat again, in February. Ending 13 months  loneliness.
My little cat Max died January 12th, and his death pulled my entire life from underneath me.
He turned out to be the pin that was holding everything together.
And after his death, it all just fell apart.
Including me.
Next February the renovation from the building cooperation is done, and I can have a new feline in my life.
But from all of the above solutions for my loneliness only the cat is going to stay.
All the others, as much as I cried reading that article, and even now just thinking about the bleak picture it painted, tears are streaming down my cheeks-
NOT going to give in.
NOT going to happen.
I am NOT going to be someone who needs a shoulder to cry on or perhaps even a hand reaching out to save her.
I did ask for those things when I was in an acute state of stress, which has happened twice in the past year.
Then I write an email to my closest friends, explaining what happened, and how a date would be very beneficial now. 
I m very specific in what I ask.
I don’t present myself needing extra attention for an indefinite period of time.
NOT BECAUSE I THINK THAT IS UNLOVABLE!!!
But because it would drive me crazy…
It would be like an affirmation that I might not be able to overcome this and stay depressed for ever. I don’t want to live like that.

If I would even allow that thought, that my suffering is not temporary, I might lose the will to live.
Same with investing in creating a sustainable and stable social network so that I won’t be so prone to loneliness anymore:
NOT GOING TO DO IT.
I know human interaction, and love (both giving and receiving) are basic needs for all humans.
And without it I too will die, I know that.
It’s not that I m saying: “Oh! I can do without!”
No way.
I m just saying:
I am not going to build my life around this.
Not worry about relationships and what I did or didn’t do (well try not to worry! lol).
Or why people no longer want to talk to me;
Or what happened that I don’t want to talk to certain people.
I m not going to figure out what I have to do so no one leaves me.
To me, love and a sense of belonging are one of those things, that Life is just going to have to figure out for me.
Because I am going to do my purpose work – that which lights me up inside and gives me a feeling of accomplishment.
And I am not going to invest in figuring out how to design a life with a stable social structure and sustainable relationships.
Because you actually can make a life out of that.
That will BE your life then.
Human interaction is so complex, you can keep analyzing and fixing until you drop. If it is part of your purpose you can make your social life a priority.
I ve made my love life a priority for the past 12 years.
In my early thirties I was so far off from knowing who I was, with regard to sex and love. All I knew was that I was not the person I had pretended to be.
And that I was literally scared to death, by what I did want.
12 Years of giving it my focus actually did turn me into the person I wanted to be: Someone who can have challenging and emotionally exciting relationships.
But now I ve shifted and I m on my path of becoming the first Dutch 7-figure rock star writer.
And strangely enough, despite the loneliness and my realization that I don’t have energy to map out all the opportunities and flaws in my social life – this purpose work gives me an even better sense of belonging.
Not belonging with other people.
But knowing I belong in this Universe.

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

Written in response to my post:
How Purpose gives us strength by Christy Ari/ The Simpleton

7-Figure Rock Star Writer

Purpose heals all wounds is episode 9 of my project 7-figure rock star writer

Subscribe to get inspired
Feel free to unsubscribe, resubscribe, ignore, and binge as often as you want!

Or follow on Facebook or Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

My diaries en erotica are available at 
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

—- Nederlandse boeken tijdelijk direct verkrijgbaar —-

I quit writing (about my love life)

Project M. and in particular its last chapter Like a Prayer is my final diary for an indefinite period of time. 

I ve been writing about my love life, pretty much non-stop, since 2006, the moment I became single. And although it has brought me many things – in particular the opportunity to have relationships that are way out of my league – it has now started to constrict me.
The cage of self-reflection and transparency, that I built to protect myself, has become a prison.
I need to start living, and start experiencing life, without the pen.
Or at least without diary writing/ blogging about my real life.

I m going to use this time to create my four new books

One Dutch book with columns:
Blote Kont
Verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit

One English book with columns:
I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW

One English book about Mistresshood:
The Big Mistress

And one diary 2017-2018, called Reboot.
Which will also include my last diary Project M.

Adrenaline junkie

Yesterday I woke up, with the romantic idea that I was no longer going to work myself to death.
Instead I was going to start my day cycling or by doing yoga, before anything else.

Today I nourished a similar delusion that I would quit these daily blogs, in order to focus fully on publishing my books for the upcoming however-long-it-took.
What I found out is that I barely know how to breathe, without writing.
Let alone do yoga, or bury myself in publishing books.
It’s definitely a progressive thing. There have been times when I didn’t write.
But ouch! The withdrawal was nasty!
The loneliness of not writing.
The notebooks that keep filling up with notes that don’t have anywhere to go.
Both internally and externally, the tension just keeps building up.
Of course, eventually I CAN come to new insights, without typing them all out here.
But it requires more time, and a lot of input from friends and family.
Which I m very uncomfortable with, because they have put up with me already needing a lot of extra attention this year for things that I could not write about.
And they paid the price.
The main thing I could not write about, were all the different stages of slimming down, rebranding and ultimately entirely quitting my yoga studio.
You can’t present yourself to the outside world, and at the same time share everything you re not sure about.
So when this morning I knew that in order to get those books out, as soon as possible, it was best to stop writing here, and go all in on the publishing part?
It was just a dream.
That’s not going to happen.
And if it did, it would mean I would have to share everything with my loved ones instead, and this is not an appealing thought.
Because writing yesterday’s blog post I also realized that eleven days ago, when I registered as a company named Lauren Harteveld –
I became my work.
That Lauren didn’t actually rely on her loved ones, the way I had for the past 46 years.
She was far more independent.
And although it was Lauren’s fantasy too, to be able to quit writing just for one or two months, and crunch it with those new books;
We both agreed it was a bad idea.
Writing is necessary for my/ our sanity.
More than taking care of my body.
More than publishing my books.
I would do well to remember that, because I ve gone through this cycle multiple times. Of wanting to quit writing temporarily, or stop prioritizing it since “writing will come out and happen anyway”.
So I had all that!
My little weekend of wanting to be normal, I guess you can put it.
But I also had a HUGE (!!) epiphany over why I am so motivated by this.
Next to the recognition that I am obviously not normal, I now know why I am not normal.
In the movie Fantastic Beasts – The Crimes of Grindelwald, there is a flashback scene to wizarding school where a boy named Newton Scamander, has to face his biggest fear.
The Boggart, a magical entity, will automatically turn itself into your biggest fear.
For Newt?
It’s a desk.
Which makes sense because he will grow up to be a wizard who manages, and regulates dragons and other monsters. And nursing them and taking care of them whenever they need that.
“You’ve never met a monster you didn’t like,” someone says to him.
I have the same thing!
I do loooove my desk (of course I do!) But even more than that, I love internal monsters… Even when they threaten my life.
Thursday I m going to see a doctor because I might have medical conditions which entitle me to funded alternative housing during the renovation.
I’ve already decided I m not going to stay here.
I m definitely going to get an apartment for myself, for those three weeks.
Even if it’s going punch a serious hole in my startup budget.
But I do have limited resources!
And if the temporary housing can be funded, it will save me a lot of money, which I can put into my business.
Preparing for this consultation with the doctor, I started to think about why I had not come sooner. And what to expect, what she’d probably recommend.
It wasn’t like I wasn’t open to ways to improve my health.
But that was when I had the epiphany;
That I like this!
I need the thrill.
To me, living a balanced life is the thing I fear most.
Just like Newt Scamander feared that office desk.
In my love life I ve known this for a long time. Which is why I ve always looked for relationships that challenged me, and that were unstable by default.
Because they were with immature men, or because I didn’t love him, or he not me.
Because they lived on the other side of the ocean, or because he was still married.
But nothing that would ever allow me to lean back and relax.
In quitting writing about my love life, and instead writing about work, I had subconsciously assumed I was moving to calmer waters.
My wild days were behind me.
I was shifting towards normal, after all.
Until I imagined that doctor sitting there, and explaining to me that my blood pressure was way too high, my heart was under stress, and I was extremely close to a burnout.
The only solution was to slow down, and to stop working myself into exhaustion.
To just leave this entire dream of publishing my four new books within a couple of weeks, all the while blogging daily.
And to then up my game becoming a famous speaker on the topics of sex, relationships, and on being a wealthy as fuck writer.
It was just insane.
That’s when I knew it was never the desk, that Newton Scamander feared;
It was the absence of danger.
It was a life that allowed him to lean back and relax.
What Newt and me feared, is feared by few;
Safety.

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

Subscribe to get inspired by this journey to becoming the first Dutch 7-figure rock star writer.
Feel free to unsubscribe, resubscribe, ignore, and binge as often as you want!

7-Figure Rock Star Writer

Adrenaline Junkie is episode 8 of my project 7-figure rock star writer

You can follow this journey by subscribing to this blog
Or follow on 
Facebook or Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

My diaries en erotica are available at 
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

—- Nederlandse boeken tijdelijk direct verkrijgbaar —-

I quit writing (about my love life)

Project M. and in particular its last chapter Like a Prayer is my final diary for an indefinite period of time. 

I ve been writing about my love life, pretty much non-stop, since 2006, the moment I became single. And although it has brought me many things – in particular the opportunity to have relationships that are way out of my league – it has now started to constrict me.
The cage of self-reflection and transparency, that I built to protect myself, has become a prison.
I need to start living, and start experiencing life, without the pen.
Or at least without diary writing/ blogging about my real life.

I m going to use this time to create my four new books

One Dutch book with columns:
Blote Kont
Verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit

One English book with columns:
I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW

One English book about Mistresshood:
The Big Mistress

And one diary 2017-2018, called Reboot.
Which will also include my last diary Project M.

Jump

Twitter just asked me to sum up my 2018 with an emoji.
I chose a burning container.
One of those big ones they use on ships.

Which I saw as a positive interpretation of this year.
Because I do believe you need to make space, and burn way more boats than you intended to, in order to achieve your goals.
And create the life of your dreams.
Since I quit the yoga studio, but especially since I started my new company under this name Lauren Harteveld ten days ago – I feel anxious.
Easily irritated.
Stressed out.
Not because I live in the past, angry over everything that was burned in the proverbial container. Nor do I feel resentful over the things that didn’t come into fruition.
I feel I’m racing against time.
Against money.
Against my courage.
Against the outside world closing in on me, who will one day force me to accept a real job if writing “still” has nothing to show for.
I noticed this week’s social occasions being unexpectedly straining, or having more awkward moments than usual. Initially I wasn’t able to pinpoint it.
At the beginning of the week I had even made the resolution to make more space for my social life, because I assumed it would be part of my goal to have daily Lighthouse Moments;
Moments to shine and recharge!
Yet by the end of the week, I was convinced social activities were way too unpredictable to be labeled as Lighthouse Activities. The only unapologetic lighthouse moment I had experienced, had been a network meeting.
Where I hardly knew anyone.
In other words: my true Lighthouse Moments were when I could completely identify with my work.
Which explained why I had labeled the pretty hermit activity, to create videos for my channel (intend to pick that up!) instinctively as a lighthouse moment.
Of course!
Just like the network meeting, recording a video as Lauren Harteveld, was a moment where I would fully identify with my work.
I thought I had been changing my name, at the Chamber of Commerce.
But what I had done, was to breathe life into the writer side of me.
The lighthouse moments were Her moments.
The connection with friends and family, were not.
In retrospect it was no coincidence at all, I was experiencing so much trouble in my social life.
I also quit writing about my love life this week.
I assumed because it was starting to turn against me.
There had been some irregularities between my secret lover and me, which had been bothering me for a while. And I was just so done trying to make sense of it.
Besides, if after 12 years of being single, you start wondering why you don’t have a man to sit with under the Christmas tree.
Or even why you don’t have a Christmas tree.
It’s time to abort ship.
So I assumed my choice to wrap up my diary Project M, and focus solely on work, creating a biz, and all the personal breakthroughs that would come from that – was simply because I was calling it quits on foretelling or analyzing what the fuck was going on in my love life.
But of course that too was a direct consequence of choosing to become Lauren Harteveld!
The first Dutch, 7-figure, rock star writer is not going to waste her holidays waiting for a guy to show up.
She ain’t got time for that, Baby!
So no wonder I had an extremely rough week.
I had already become Lauren Harteveld, yet I expected to feel fulfilled within the delicate social structures of those who loved “me”.
Old me.
Neither was it a coincidence that I was feeling increasingly restless.
Everything, my insecurity, the confrontations, the disappointments, the entire drama filled week;
It could ALL be explained by my choice to become Lauren Harteveld.
I had chosen my work over my social life.
I had chosen my work over love.
And my standards has raised tremendously.
In January, the renovation of my building is moving fully indoors. This means that for three weeks my house is supposedly still livable, with an emergency toilet, one cold water tap, and an electrical stove.
While my kitchen, hallway, toilet, bathroom, sewer (I will have to throw my water out the window, like in the middle ages!) are out of order.
Now old me, thought she would just go live with her mother for three weeks.
New me, tried that for two nights this week (because of the asbestos renovation) and patiently explained to her mother this was not a good idea.
That she appreciated she could always stay here – and she stressed she would return the favor if her mother ever needed her – but that she was going to look for something for herself.
Period.
New me, Lauren Harteveld, was not going to be someone’s guest for three weeks. Nor was she going to live in a house, where she had to sleep next to her poop for three weeks.
In defense of the building cooperation:
There is an apartment nearby where tenants can shower, cook and leave their turds. So technically you don’t have to camp in your own home, if you’re willing to leave your house and walk a few doors down for shared facilities.
My mom and me had our conversation about the change of plans, early this week. But I didn’t actually realize I was going so hard limit with having a real house, until this weekend.
There was a problem with the heating which had broken down, after it had finally been fixed the day before.
After having issues for over three weeks.
So within 24 hours of getting it running smoothly, it broke down again.
I called the emergency number and in the afternoon a mechanic came over.
While he was working, I told him the renovation had been hugely straining. Due to the extra asbestos removal and the unexpected replacement of my radiators which then in turn had been causing ongoing trouble with the heating.
I was already at my wits end and dreaded the “official” 3 weeks of indoor renovation.
I also told him I had been looking for alternatives, of apartments where I could stay.  But that they looked remote and lonely.
He informed me there was alternative housing, but you needed a medical certificate for that.
Naturally, neither him nor me, had any idea if I would qualify.
But after he left, I started to make arrangements and along the way something strange happened.
I suddenly knew I actually AM crazy.
Not in the sense that I believe the housing cooperation owes me alternative housing (that’s up to them). But crazy in the sense that the way I ve been handling this year’s burning container, is extremely risky.
It is NOT what a normal person would do.
It’s one of the things I ve told to many people!
That I have two choices.
One is I take therapy and learn to put my failed yoga career into perspective, lower expectations a bit, learn to be content with maybe a little bit less drama, and a more regulated life.
“And maybe in three years time I ll be fit enough to take a job,” I usually add.
OR.
I leave it all behind.
Burn the boat.
The container.
Everything I once was.
And start over.
The second option is to move forward and to never look back.
I was never going to do normal.
I’ve always known that.
By becoming Lauren Harteveld, the candid blogger and erotica writer, I have made sure I can never go back.
But Lauren has limited time before her resources run out.
Time she is not going to waste camping between the turds.
Nor jeopardize it, feeling isolated in a remote holiday resort.
Nor is she going to stay over at her mother’s, like a stray cat.
No.
Lauren Harteveld knows that every day in her life is important.
But those three weeks?
Are when she will build her life.

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

7-Figure Rock Star Writer

Jump is episode 7 of my project 7-figure rock star writer

You can follow this journey by subscribing to this blog
Or follow on 
Facebook or Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

My diaries en erotica are available at 
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

—- Nederlandse boeken tijdelijk direct verkrijgbaar —-

I quit writing

Project M. and in particular its last chapter Like a Prayer is my final diary for an indefinite period of time. 

I ve been writing about my love life, pretty much non-stop, since 2006, the moment I became single. And although it has brought me many things – in particular the opportunity to have relationships that are way out of my league – it has now started to constrict me.
The cage of self-reflection and transparency, that I built to protect myself, has become a prison.
I need to start living, and start experiencing life, without the pen.
Or at least without diary writing/ blogging about my real life.

I m going to use this time to create my four new books

One Dutch book with columns:
Blote Kont
Verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit

One English book with columns:
I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW

One English book about Mistresshood:
The Big Mistress

And one diary 2017-2018, called Reboot.
Which will also include my last diary Project M.

Sick, homeless and emotionally drained. First 24 hours of becoming a 7-figure rock star writer

This post, and all other daily reviews of my path to becoming a highly successful writerpreneur *coughs loudly* were just going to be Facebook posts.
Because 
this is a quickie.
No need to collect them.
Just a little overview on how my workday went, where I found inspiration, and where I didn’t.
Maybe a small habit log if I saw daylight, or did something with this thing called A Body, aside from giving it alcohol.
It wasn’t an official diary.

But experience taught me that whenever I made daily Fb posts of more than two sentences, I either gave up on them within a week.
OR they got longer and longer and I got so annoyed I had not logged these little bitches and also ended up abandoning the project.
Either way posting my days on Facebook never lasted longer than a week.

So despite my resolution that these posts should be only about work, and not gems to be curated for future books – these reviews had to be proper blog posts after all.
Proper means I can find it back if I ever decide to publish my journey of becoming the first Dutch 7-figure rock star writer. 

Two days ago I wrote an ending to what I intend to be my final diary.
I ve been writing about my love life since 2012, which has resulted in;
– 10 books in print,
– four on the shelves (see paragraph bottom of the page);
– and one mistress-lover relationship with Mr.Big which is going through some turmoil.
*coughs ferociously*

Or maybe I am, I am still not sure.
*hears ribs snap*

2018 has been a bad year for both of us.
For him because he always has quite a lot going on in his family life. Since our relationship is secret, I can’t go into detail without making shit up.
And for me (about which I can be honest) 2018 was not a good year because my little cat Max died in January, I quit my yoga studio after 15 years, and I m currently in the middle of a three month renovation by the building cooperation.
Oh, and also; I never had feelings for other men in all the years we had an affair. Yet it’s like I had an awakening this summer. Having feelings for someone else shook me so much I immediately started a
 whole new diary
Around that time, I felt things shifting with Mr.Big as well.
It’s a chicken and egg situation;

There’s no way to reconstruct what happened in his life or mine. And how much of it was an unconscious response to the other needing space. 
It’s particularly difficult since him and me don’t really talk about our relationship. Not with each other.
That’s almost like our code, or my code. 

Because I’m like inverted Yakuza.
I talk/write to everybody about my feelings, except with the men who cause them. And since I gave up on real diary writing two days ago, I m not writing about it anymore either.
It’s Saturday morning now.
I have a cold *coughs so hard ribs snap back into place*, my heating just broke , and the largest part of the week has been lost to deeply emotional stuff coming up in my private life and I wasted entire days getting the house ready for an asbestos renovation and putting everything back two days later when I was allowed back in.
I stayed over at my mother’s house, which was also not great for productivity nor for getting a sense of ownership over your life.
I did decide I m not going to stay there in January, when I have to leave my house for three weeks. Nor am I going to stay over as a guest anywhere else.
I want my own apartment.
With wifi, a washing machine, and close enough to the city so that I can still see my friends and cycle home.
I could easily nominate this week for being the least productive, most messy one of the year.
I feel bona fide horrible.
Which was why I was extra happy that yesterday’s non-diary blog post, brought me a fabulous new friend!
We know each other from the programs we take with our coach Katrina Ruth.
And I already knew we had similar interests surrounding sex.
But I was surprised to read my post I am that one in a million rock star writer spoke to her.
It was not sexual at all, and it was about me choosing writing.
I was certain she was a coach and a very successful one too. Why would she be interested in becoming a writer, or in me becoming a writer?
We chatted in Messenger and it turned out that focusing on writing had indeed been her dream for a very long time.
But the interesting thing was:
She had an extremely successful coaching business, which had been holding her back. Online programs, coaching sessions; she had everything that I had seriously considered incorporating into my business.
It was more a fake-it-till-you-make-it that I had written that blog post where I stated I would be exclusively focusing on writing.
And why I would not rely on any income streams from speaking/ coaching/ online programs.
I had been faking it.
I was not that certain.
But by talking to her about what happens if your secondary activities take off and make you good money? Boy!
I wasn’t faking it anymore!
I MADE that decision!
I was better off choosing other sources of income, in the field of management and consultancy. Which didn’t have anything to do with my purpose work of being a writer.
That way it would always be clear, that offering these services, or taking that job, were just a means to an end
I would never confuse them with my purpose work.
Whereas if I would do coaching or offer online programs related to what I write about – sexuality, mindset, identity play – the boundaries between what was purpose work and what wasn’t, would get blurry.
We chatted for two hours, and she inspired me by sharing a list of decisions she made, while we were talking.
It made me go next level with my decision to stick to my guns/pen and to not have anything clogging up my business model.
Inspired by her list of business decisions, I refined mine as well:
1. Daily writing AND creating books AND business hours/selling
My ONLY job is writing and creating books.
I am an full cycle creator: I do everything from draft to final editing, and sales.
My dairies will have a cover created by my graphic designer- for my other work I ll do it myself.
2. PR/speaking gigs/creating videos
I may do speaking gigs, or create videos, but only if they feel aligned for me.
I need to feel I can really shine!!
It needs to be a lighthouse moment, and not be surrounded by heaviness, or a preconceived idea on what it needs to be.
Which brings me to:
3. I AM AN ARTIST
This is so huge. It’s also the final reason why I m not going to do coaching;
A craft is something you only get better at.
Art is something that can fail.
The phase where I create a book from my blog posts is by definition after the subject is done for me.
The real art is in the process.
Years ago, I studied a theory called The White Tigress, a sexual, spiritual path for women. I wrote a lot about it, but never THE book!
Never a manual for life as a White Tigress.
Then ultimately…. I felt it slipping!
My relationship with my secret lover Mr.Big had been going steady for years, and I came to realize I didn’t like having multiple partners, the way it is advocated in The White Tigress.
I managed to squeeze out one tiny White Tigress booklet, in Dutch, but in the epilogue it already says that I will be moving on, because I ve come to realize I am not a Tigress. I am a Mistress.
The same thing is happening with my Mistress work.
I ve written about that topic for four years now, and already published my first book about being a mistress; Big, diaries and erotica.
But I never wrote THE manual!
And I don’t intend to squeeze it out last minute either. Not this time.
I will make a collection from all the pieces I wrote on sex and being a mistress, and that will be it.
And although I m interested in attending conferences on modern relationships, I want to do so without it being some kind of sales pitch for my latest book.
Whenever I am invited somewhere I need it to feel open and expanded and let new thoughts arise. 
I AM a performer! Definitely! But the trick is that the performing is in the writing. It’s in the process.
And not so much in putting on a show on stage, playing out one role, or defending one point of view.
The White Tigress and the Mistress do not really exist.
Nor can the 7-figure rock star writer ever be summoned onto the stage;
They are all simply personas I use a certain time in my life.
They’re the roles from which I write, think, find things out.
And the only way to know how I actually became the first 7-figure Dutch rock star writer, is by following this blog.
Because I will not be able to tell you afterwards.

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

WANT TO GROW YOUR OWN MONEY TREE?

This daily log is part of my project 7-figure rock star writer

You can follow this journey on this blog (SUBSCRIPTION BUTTON ON PAGE)
Facebook and Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

My diaries en erotica are available at 
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

I quit writing

Project M. and in particular its last chapter Like a Prayer is my final diary for an indefinite period of time. 

I ve been writing about my love life, pretty much non-stop, since 2006, the moment I became single. And although it has brought me many things – in particular the opportunity to have relationships that are way out of my league – it has now started to constrict me.
The cage of self-reflection and transparency, that I built to protect myself, has become a prison.
I need to start living, and start experiencing life, without the pen.
Or at least without diary writing/ blogging about my real life.

I m going to use this time to create my four new books

One Dutch book with columns:
Blote Kont
Verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit

One English book with columns:
I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW

One English book about Mistresshood:
The Big Mistress

And one diary 2017-2018, called Reboot.
Which will also include my last diary Project M.

I am that one in a million rock star writer

In 2017 there were 105 authors in the Netherlands who made € 19.200 or more annually solely from royalties aka selling books. 
The rest made less, or they had extra sources of income like speaking gigs or writing for magazines.
But usually they just made less money.
You’d think someone who has just started a business wanting to be a full-time author would think that number was disheartening.
But I loved it.
ONLY 105 authors making a minimum income from selling books?
Are you joking?
Surely, it can’t be that hard. I don’t believe that.
For the past couple of weeks I ve been toying with the thought of picking up other means of income; Coaching, consultancy, speaking gigs, selling online programs.
Yet the minute I read that supposedly disheartening figure of how few writers make an income in the Netherlands?
I was back to only selling books.
Fuck other gigs.
To focus exclusively on selling books, was actually a decision I had already made a while back. But because I have other talents as well, and many are perfectly monetizable, I let myself be swayed from the path.
Why not do all those things that I’m good at and I would love to do, and I could make money from?
But now I knew I wanted to be one of those 105 authors who made that income ONLY from selling their books.
I didn’t want to be with the authors who made it from other things as well.
Because I suddenly remembered WHY I had considered doing those other activities; and it didn’t have anything to do with money.
It was because both writing, and even more publishing, are a pretty lonely.
I was just looking for a way to meet new people and have interesting conversations.
But I had also sworn that I was going to create an ideal business!
That everything I did, would be stuff I would also do if it didn’t make me any money. And I would still do them if I had a normal job to finance a book publishing hobby.
I insisted on having a 100% purpose driven company.
And the article on the number of professional authors in the Netherlands brought me back to this fact;
Coaching, consultancy and speaking were not activities I would still turn myself inside and out for, in order to squeeze it into an already busy life.
They were not activities I would do if I already had a million dollar income.
At least…. not for money!
I did recognized that especially speaking gigs would be fun.
Just not as a source of income.
I would do it for free and sell my books while I was there.
I made a note to get a business account that offered a device to pay with cash card, since barely anyone carries cash around these days.
And suddenly I noticed how much energy it had cost me to leave all those coaching/consultancy options open.
And how much clarity I gained if I saw myself as JUST a writer!
And a publisher of my own books.
This would be my new identity.
And also the topic for this blog from now on – since I quit writing about my personal life yesterday, after 12 years.
You can read my final blog post about being a mistress here.
Writing about my personal life had become constricting.
Sure – there will be many ways in which my personal life and professional life will intertwine.
I m going to pick up filming for YouTube – that’s the first place where I’ll share the parts of my daily life that influence my life as an author/publisher.
I don’t intend to pick up diary writing, in the traditional sense.
But having said that! I will be keeping a log on my workdays, on what I encounter doing what I love, and making a business out of it.
I WILL SHARE MY empire building DAY ON
FacebookTwitterLinkedin
And the number one thing it should include is:
One Lighthouse Moment a day!
One moment where I can shine and feel totally in my element.
These can be social meetings or creating a video on YouTube.
So come join me on my road to becoming one of those 105 authors who make a minimum of € 19.200 annually.
Well… I was actually kidding when I said that.
My income goal is way higher!
In July I already made a blog post called:
Watering the Bamboo Tree – five years to becoming the first 7-figure Dutch author, WRITING whatever the fuck I want
A 7 figure income in five years.
And I already wasted the first five months.
I think. Hard to tell. Maybe this is all part of the daily watering and fertilizing the bamboo tree.
Anyway, aside from a prestigious income goal that blog posts contains a “not to do list”. To my horror it had (not)”creating YouTube videos” on number one.
For a moment I thought my resolution to do YouTube videos here, for this new phase, was a big mistake!
That I was not taking my own advice!
But then I realized it said: Don’t create daily YouTube videos as a form of promoting yourself/ to increase book sales.
And in my current resolution creating YouTube videos are lighthouse moments.
So I’m making a management decision; Making YouTube videos, to shine and feel great is allowed.
Just not as way to promote myself.
The other things on this summer’s Not To Do List were;
– Public speaking and conferences
Just like in this post, it didn’t mean I didn’t want to do them – just that I didn’t want them in my business model. I jokingly added:
“My 7 figure income is not going to come from charging 100K for a day.
I’m not going to be the Tony Robbins of mistresshood.”
Clever girl.
– setting up online programs or coaching
This is also already covered in this post.
But I made a useful reminder as well:
“Setting up and running an online business, will be totally draining for a writer.”

WANT TO GROW YOUR OWN MONEY TREE?

For the next four and a half years, I ll be sharing my watering schedule, fertilizing secrets and other daily habits that will ensure the Chinese Bamboo grows into a 7-figure income.
The subscribe button should be somewhere on this page.
Have you found it?
And you can get to know me better by through my erotica and diaries at my new improved shop (English books, might have to scroll down)

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

I quit writing

Project M. and in particular its last chapter Like a Prayer is my final diary for an indefinite period of time. 

I ve been writing about my love life, pretty much non-stop, since 2006, the moment I became single. And although it has brought me many things – in particular the opportunity to have relationships that are way out of my league – it has now started to constrict me.
The cage of self-reflection and transparency, that I built to protect myself, has become a prison.
I need to start living, and start experiencing life, without the pen.
Or at least without diary writing/ blogging about my real life.

I m going to use this time to create my four new books.

One Dutch book with columns:
Blote Kont
Verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit

One English book with columns:
I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW

One English book about Mistresshood:
The Big Mistress

And one diary 2017-2018, called Reboot.
Which will also include my last diary Project M.

My diaries en erotica are available at
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States

with the flag in the upper right corner.

The best places to follow me are:
This blog – subscribe button on this page, most likely on the right.
Facebook
and Twitter

YouTube! 

NEW connect on Linkedin

Like a prayer { final chapter, Lauren quits writing }

Life is a mystery
Everyone must stand alone
I hear you call my name
And it feels like home

~Madonna, Like a Prayer

If I ve learned anything, in my four years with my secret lover Mr.Big – and I learned all of these lessons the hard way, in the first six months – it is that things either ARE or they are not.
Something either IS there, or it is not.
You can put words to things, and even bicker over which word it should be that defines you – a relationship, an affair, a marriage; cheating, a mistake or true love – it doesn’t make any difference.
You can enhance things by writing about them, or make an experience more bearable by reframing your thoughts, but you cannot create things that do not in essence, and by essence I mean in the mind of the people involved, already exist.
Prior to Mr.Big, I had learned in eight years of dating, that if you feel uncomfortable with someone, nothing is going to change that.
You can make things as pleasant as possible, and create harmony.
But you can’t create a connection, where there is none.
But what the first half year with Mr.Big taught me, is that it is equally impossible to end something that does exist in the hearts and minds of the people involved.
In short; All you ever do is work with what is there.
Since I put a lot of work in all my relationships, I know that all I have to do to end it, is to withdraw my love, my presence.
It is not a passive aggressive thing, it is more that you stop watering the plants when the roots are no longer healthy.
You make a choice at an early stage that you’re not going to make things run smooth at surface level, when on a deeper level something died.
Or, in my case; shifted.
Because this is not a breakup post.
I m still in love with Mr.Big, just as much as I was on the first day I met him. My feelings for him are not a dying plant, far from that.
And I have not forgotten the lessons from the first half year, that it is pointless to try to “get” the correct relationship name, to justify how you feel.
It’s not a game of Pairs where you are looking for matching labels on your heart and your relationship.
And then throw all the cards from the table in frustration if the other refuses to give you the status you desire.
Either IT IS.
Or it isn’t.
If two people love each other, they’ll keep returning to each other. Regardless of their conflict of interest over how the thing should be called.
Neither one of the two will be able to cut ties, because it’s like cutting your own flesh.
You can’t whip someone into committing to you.
But neither can you end a relationship when the other doesn’t do what you want; not when the souls are connected and the roots are alive.
Just look at the six seasons of Sex and the City;
Unless you want to end up dating a series of boys who look good on the outside, but who will never move you the way Mr.Big does?
Don’t leave Mr.Big.
Don’t fool yourself.
Don’t waste time bickering.
It’s all so very simple;
Forget the labels and love what you love!
But having said that, something did shift within my relationship with Mr.Big. And I can’t go on, the way I have done for the past four years.
Going back to the start of our relationship; The reason that it was so full of turmoil the first half year, was because I thought he would leave his wife.
I knew he was in love with me, and I also knew he had plenty of reasons to leave her. They had semi-separated multiple times before I even knew him.
I assumed I was the reason he needed to finally leave her.
But he didn’t, and I started to realize many of the aspects in our relationship, suited me well. And I started identifying as a mistress;
Someone whose sexual identity is based on being monogamous herself, but having a partner who isn’t.
That definition of my sexuality was pretty broad, yet it started to feel constricting. Because I realized it wasn’t that I necessarily liked him having other partners:
I liked NOT HAVING A SAY!
He could have been monogamous, just as long as he made clear that what he did in his own time, was not a topic of conversation. And that he would only share, what he thought was beneficial to our relationship.
I didn’t want to be with a man who felt he needed to bend over backwards in order to be worthy of me. I wanted him to feel worthy, and capable of having a great time with me, without having to flaunt his monogamy as a reason to accept him, and in return probably put up with things much worse.
Like not taking care of me, or not taking responsibility for our time together.
By labeling myself as a mistress I made clear (first of all to myself) what I was getting out of the relationship: quality time with the man I loved.
But the jacket of being a Mistress became too tight.
Because I preferred the status quo, our peaceful 3,5 years, over the turmoil of the first six months – I ignored it.
I ignored that I was clinging onto a label, which I had invented myself, instead of staying in touch with what was alive underneath.
Parallel to me getting increasingly uncomfortable with the mistress label, was something else. Or rather: someone else.
I can feel a presence, who is not me, and it is not his wife.
And I am positive I pick up their energy when they’re together. That I suddenly get sick with worry. I ve had anxiety attacks in particular over the past six months, over other people finding out about him and me.
And people who sympathize with his wife blaming me for everything.
And then things between us would end, he’d quickly choose her and promise to better his life. And I would be left alone, unprotected from hatred and anger, for a situation that had been his responsibility. Not mine.
I would take the fall, and he would save his marriage.
This fear of being discovered came up multiple times, but the past few months I m starting to feel something else. Which makes me think it has been something else for way longer…
I feel he has another lover.
I have no idea how serious this is, but serious enough to make me sick to my stomach at what seems totally random times. Regardless of how in favor I think I am of him not sharing his life with me: it is making me sick.
I can’t go on, not like this.
Not when I m losing the game.
Not because I condemn his ways, I absolutely don’t. I think he’s the most gorgeous, wonderful man I know, and I ve never felt for anyone the way I feel for him.
But after four years of being a secret mistress, I no longer have the energy to fight for this. I m not going to waste my last energy, to restore the status quo of being a secret mistress.
Because apparently – and this is important – whatever forces were at stake that kept our relationship healthy, they have changed.
I would like to say the disruptive force could also come from me. I do recognize that as an option. My feelings for other men for example, can also be jeopardizing what Mr.Big and me have.
But right now I m working with the hypothesis it’s either something between us, or something on his side.
Whenever we’re together, he’s just as wonderful as he always has been. He never sees me, not “even” now, when his heart is not in it. I absolutely can’t blame this on him in the sense that he’s changed or something.
But I m responding to something or someone, I can’t see.
It’s like a food allergy: apparently there’s something in our relationship that gives me stomach ache and diarrhea.
And it can very well be something that has always been there; and that I can suddenly no longer digest. For example, not being chosen. Not having him at my side. Him not sharing his life with me.
Or the allergy can be to something new. And in that case the most likely explanation is that someone new has entered our triangle, whose presence I can sense.
And in both cases the mistress label is not serving me anymore. The label, our story, this blog and my writing, are ALL preventing me (and probably Mr.Big too!) to see what’s here.
We’ve lost connection to what we were, to how we started out.
I need to stop seeing myself as a mistress, put down my pen, and quit defining “us” but especially quit defining “me”.
And instead I need to sit still and simply observe what happens after I have ceased to tell the comforting stories that have held all the pieces together for such a long time.
The label mistress has served me well.
But I ve lost touch with that woman who after eight years of dating, finally fell in love with a great guy. Someone she didn’t have to “work” for, to make things happen.
Someone who understood her, and she him.
I need to know if that story is still there. And if not, what is the other story, that Life wants to share with me?
After twelve years I’m done telling stories and I m going live my life.
Instead of writing one myself.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

I quit writing

Like a Prayer is the forty-ninth and final chapter from Project M. 
It is also my final blog post for an indefinite period of time.

I ve been writing, pretty much non-stop, since 2006, the moment I became single. And although it has brought me many things – in particular the opportunity to have relationships that are way out of my league – it has now started to constrict me.
The cage I built to protect myself, has become a prison.
I need to start living, and start experiencing life, without the pen.
Or at least without diary writing/ blogging about my real life.

I m going to use this time to create my four new books.

One Dutch book with columns:
Blote Kont
Verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit

One English book with columns:
I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW

One English book about Mistresshood:
The Big Mistress

And one diary 2017-2018, called Reboot.
Which will also include the diary you just read, Project M.

I thank you very much for reading my work.
This blog will be resumed, whenever the mood strikes and I have something interesting to say, although my diary writing days are behind me.
Seeing each other will probably be on YouTube! where I ll be checking in multiple times each week.
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Express yourself

After her confession that three days of rest have left her even more drained than three days of Major Life Changes (change her name, start a company, become an entrepreneur);
Lauren finally figures out, WHY.

I m staring at my agenda. Once again, and this is something that comes up frequently in the first paragraph of this blog, I m thinking:
“How the fuck did I manage to miss this?”
Feeling all drained after three days OFF?
Are you joking?
And then I saw it.
Now technically, it could still be one of two things. And it’s probably both.
The first thing which could explain my lack of energy;
I didn’t write for three days.
I did make videos on Friday morning, for my Dutch channel under my real name.  
And I wrote a Sunday night confession that I was feeling shitty, but that was when I had already exceeded my non-writing day limit.
The damage was already done.
Somewhere between my post about my lover Mr.Big on Thursday, and Things-Went-AWOL Sunday, I lost it.
And then it hit me.

It was NOT just the writing!
It’s because from those three days, only one of them had allowed me to FULLY BE ME!
I even had a conversation that day, with my friend, telling him I was already drawing attention to myself as if I was a lighthouse. Which included negative attention, we were actually scolded at just walking the sidewalk.
I am by now completely used to complete strangers calling me names.
And I m not even famous!

Please let me remember this, when I am famous. That it was never a choice because the option Just Pretend You re Not There And Act Normal, is apparently not available to me.
People notice me even if I do nothing.
And they know who I am, or understand on an instinctual level that I m dangerous. Which is true. I am dangerous. I have non-conformist ideas, but I have tremendous people skills which enable me to manipulate people in a very pleasant way-
for all parties.

But I do wreck the system.
I can point out where they are manipulated, by government, their boss, their spouse, or even by their own thoughts about marriage, since I m best known for being a mistress.
I advocate mistresshood as a sexual preference and missing link in our idea of love and relationships.

So a mistress who can manipulate you, yet who makes it a pleasurable, even totally empowering experience? 
I don’t blame those people who can immediately sense I am the enemy.
I really don’t.
Good job, excellent instincts.
But the problem is, that I am not living like THAT person! I usually write/ do my biz in the morning, go for a walk or cycle in the afternoon, and at night I go see a movie, have a wine at a bar, or see family or I work or write some more.

All places where I don’t necessarily shine.
I shine a little bit, when I go out. Sometimes I meet new people, and that is great! Then I shine!
But with family and also to an extend with most of my friends; it’s very important to keep tuning in how much space there is on a given day.
Or what someone needs.
I usually can’t just PUT THE LIGHT IN THE LIGHT HOUSE ON AND SHHHIIIIIIIIINNNNNNEEEEEE!!!!

Except after three days I was absolutely exhausted from keeping that switch from flipping at the wrong moment, and scaring everybody away. 
Drained, because I had been regulating and even cutting off, my natural power source for way too many hours.
Even now, Monday afternoon (I have to leave within minutes, so I can’t even write as much as I want) I feel so tired.
So I m going to prioritize doing one Lighthouse Activity a day.
It can be a network meeting, or by seeing certain friends.
But if it’s a social gathering where have to be careful about putting on the light, and which may or may not end up with us having a great time (we do ultimately usually have  a great time – it’s just the being unsure that’s difficult) –
those dates don’t count as lighthouse dates or activities.
And if they turn out to be just that, that’s a bonus!
But instead of making the resolution to do something social every day, I m shifting the focus to: I have to do something that allows me to SHINE. And stand in my true power.
For example, picking up creating videos for my LS Harteveld YouTube channel.
I am going to be a working lighthouse, instead of just a giant tower taking up space and taking away sun. And after these last three days I have full understanding that to be a working lighthouse is WAY more important than writing, business, daylight, or any of the other things I was building a 100 day challenge around.
Those things are not going to do anything for me, nor for someone else.
Not unless I put the light on first.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

Express yourself is the forty-eighth chapter from Project M. 

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Act of Contrition

Lauren writes about her lover Mr.Big, because she can’t share anything about her BIG SECRET.
Then she drops from the radar for multiple days.
Before admitting she’s got a confession to make.

I wish I had done this when the story was still fresh, and I felt excited about starting a new life under a new name.
Because last Thursday, after giving serious thought to look for a real, normal job, I chose to become an entrepreneur again!
Even though I had sworn to never do that again, because A it was not necessary in order to sell my own books.
And B because I figured it didn’t make sense to register if I didn’t know what to sell.
Better get a normal job.
I had my own yoga studio for 15 years and knew very well there was little more frustrating than a company that didn’t “work”.
And yet Wednesday night I knew I had to do it!
Because of a number of reasons really.
First of all, because I figured that if I actually had a chance at getting the type of job within a company which I aspired?
I was better off doing it freelance, and not being on the payroll.
Secondly because I felt naked without a company.
And thirdly, because this was the quickest way to consolidate my new name Lauren Harteveld.
In the Netherlands you re not allowed to change your name. Not as some sort of vanity project anyway. But I had already decided that I was never going to work another day in my life, under my real name.
Whether it would be on payroll or independent;
My real name needed a break from having to meet anyone’s professional expectations.
I couldn’t change my name legally, but I could start a company in that name and voila! Lauren Harteveld was born.
I knew I had to do it yet I wasn’t up for difficult questions or explaining myself, which is why I told no one. Another reason I didn’t tell anyone was because I had no idea if you could name your company after “someone” that wasn’t you.
So I wasn’t sure my plan would work.
Short version of the story was that I barely slept for three nights surrounding this decision, and the aftermath of it. That’s how stressed out I was.
On Friday, Saturday, Sunday I didn’t work.
All in an attempt to calm down, get my heart rate back to normal. Get a decent amount of sleep.
And it worked.
Partially, that is.
I did sleep 8 hours last night, and I enjoyed all these days of seeing a lot of people, doing a lot of things.
But I realized that costs energy too!
I m pretty prone to feeling like I somehow failed at being human, a friend, a family member. And if I have then not written in the morning, because I ve given myself off from work – that’s when I start to lose my ground.
My certainty.
You can be in a conversation, or doubting if you’ve done the right thing, said the right thing and so on; which is all bad enough,
But if you don’t have that knowing that at least you wrote a good blog post today – you get adrift.
It’s hard to say exactly when this happened….
In a way I know very well that I did needed a break. It was a good decision.
But the three days of being social and not working did result feeling hopelessly inadequate, and a mountain of clutter in my hallway from going in and out with five different bags to five different occasions from travel, to working the land planting trees.
I still have to empty my kitchen tonight, because tomorrow they start a three day renovation project there.
I have seven journals, notebooks, planners which I have been carrying around almost everywhere I went, because I was hoping to find the time to weed them out.
My sexuality could very well die of neglect.
The heating, which was reinstalled two weeks ago, is still not working properly, so I heat my house room by room with an electric heater that creates so much noise my ears are buzzing every night I go to bed.
And I ve cycled or walked or worked the land every day, getting a ton of exercise and daylight – and yet I feel like total shit.
It’s Sunday night, 8.30 PM, I have a ton of work to do (mainly clear out the kitchen) before I can go to bed.
But that’s nothing compared to the amount of work I have to do to get my life back on track.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

The act of contrition is the forty-seventh chapter from Project M. 

The subscribe button to this diary is somewhere on the right.
or follow Twitter ; or Facebook
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