Hanky Panky

Even though Lauren’s no longer crying on a daily basis, that doesn’t mean she’s her old self.
Yet.
.
When I was stressed out, I was aware that I wasn’t masturbating. I lost all touch with my physical body.
I didn’t even dress the way I normally do. Hoodies and comfortable pants seemed to be naturally drawn to my sadness.
I was wearing them without making a conscious choice to do so.
And although the problem was obviously on a way more existential level, I kept thinking:
“If only I could masturbate! Everything would be alright!”
I sometimes even went as far as to browse Steve Holmes’ timeline on Twitter, which is my go-to if I don’t bother to turn myself on with thoughts.
One quick look of my favorite porn star doing his thing is enough.
Or it should be.
Except that it wasn’t for nearly two weeks.
That’s when you know you have issues. And I already knew that. I was hoping masturbation would give me a hard reset and snap me out of it.
Yesterday I was still not functioning sexually, despite having solved my problem. I suggested to my creativity coach to include this into our call.
Where’s my lust?
That was around midnight, writing that email. And just putting it in writing, giving it a place, was apparently the incentive it needed. I went to bed, masturbated, had merely four hours sleep before I had to get up, and I was fine all day.
This doesn’t mean it is where I want it to be.
I can’t imagine having real sex. Or doing yoga or  cycling, other than a simple commute.
Every confrontation with my body, like waxing my legs, still feels completely off. Even putting on my clothes! As if I m dressing a slightly overweight doll.
Still, real sex is actually the easiest way for me reconnect. To feel that lovely bigger body of mine is really made for it.
Rough sex.
Eye staring melt-together sex.
Role playing oh-my-God-not-there sex.
We cherish a whole bucket list of fantasies I still want to play out. Like a perverted treasure.
With all the other forms of physical activity, satisfaction is not guaranteed. And like I said, even masturbation cannot be done on command.
But when I see my lover Mr.Big, and we don’t have sex?
It’s more out of insecurity because I didn’t shave my pubes or didn’t shower right before. Or because it’s not practical.
I can’t remember ever saying no because I wasn’t aroused.
I always want him when I see him.
He is, what makes me tick.

.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

Hanky Panky is the thirty-eight chapter from Project M. 

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Back in business

After a week long meltdown, Lauren’s back in business.
Hide.
.
I’m both ashamed, as well as immensely proud of how I handled my rampant emotions last week.
Proud because it gave me an enormous breakthrough. It might actually have been nessecary to hit rock bottom before I could say:
“THAT’S ENOUGH!!!”
And take matters into my own hands.

But ashamed because I feel like such a pushover, if I look back at my yoga career. I didn’t stand up to defend my loudness, my outspokenness and my extravagance.
Instead I adopted beliefs that were not mine, and build my business executing them. 
I’ve practiced yoga a few times at my studio this week, which I ve kept on as potential business space. And I had so much fun practicing, I considered picking up teaching.
But I realize now that it would have to be under this name: Lauren Harteveld, or LS Harteveld.
Because my real name will always be associated with my 15 year long yoga career, and the deeply confused personality it gave me.
What I might do, in the future, is to start a new business as LS Harteveld, and this could include yoga.
But whether I’ll only live from selling my books, or start a new company again, the real, troubled me never has to do something in her life again.
She’s my legal name, on paper. And it will be for the people who are in my life by default. My family, neighbors.
But her giving, sensitive personality is no longer available.
And I won’t go too deep into how bad she’s doing, but it has been really helpful to have a friend explain to me why I ve felt so dark this year.
She said this is true for the majority of people with suicidal thoughts:
I felt I had to fit into such a small box of what I was supposed to do, and be, to be a good person.
I was basically saying:
“Then I might as well take the rest out as well.”
I already felt spiritually dead.
The solution I choose is to give myself permission to be me, but under a different name. Not under the name that has been troubled by fifteen years of trying to make a living inside a tiny box.
I set the boxed up, damaged side of me, free.
She never has to work another day.
Instead she can sit by the sea and have fish nibble her toes. Go on sex vacation.
Or make children’s drawings and play house with her pluche Kylo Ren doll, which is what she currently enjoys doing.
But despite that side of me, being broken and sad, I also realized that the wild version of me, was not done with life at all. She was rattling the locks and clawing the bars after a life in confinement.
She wanted out!
This side of me, 
Lauren Harteveld or LS Harteveld which has been my pen name since 2006, was the one who said to the real, depleted, me:
“You go enjoy Sweetie. Let me handle this.
I ll have this thing full throttle in 6 months.”
Lauren can’t wait to write daily but also to publish all those new books. Get it out into the world and start building a business as a writer.
So from this day forward, I will only be known as Lauren Harteveld, or LS Harteveld. I will be the one publishing all the books, making all the monies, and kicking all the ass.
You can expect both English posts (here on this blog),
and Dutch/Nederlands hier op het Nederlandse blog
And I might revive my YouTube channel!
Could happen!
I m on fire!
So better subscribe to LS Harteveld on:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCJuLkg5MLlvxCqP9sEruTaQ
.
See you around kid.

.

~Lauren
<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

Back in business is the thirty-seventh chapter from Project M. 

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Cry Baby

It’s midnight here, I m shaking and had the most awful week. And yet I feel I had such an important insight, which has the potential to alienate me from the people around me; I just need to get this written now.
Will have mistakes/ be draft. 
I ll clean it up tomorrow.
But I had a terrible insight. Or maybe not so terrible, since it was either this.
Or suicide.
And to then have me coming to this, ain’t that bad.
I had the most horrific week, emotionally. A lot of loneliness, as well as a business dispute which cost me so much energy, but most of all the whole week had this aura of failure.
Not just of my yoga company.
But the realization that somewhere along that path of becoming a yoga teacher and having a business, I have lost sight of who I was.
Which doesn’t just mean that the development of ME, has ceased. But also that I have lost traits I still possessed before.
My spontaneity.
My outspokenness.
Looking people in the eye.
Faith in myself.
The past two decades have been one slow but steady slope down the hill of mediocrity and people pleasing.
Toning myself down and keeping my mouth shut.
Tonight I realized I haven’t spoken my real voice on my writer’s account under my real name, even though that’s what I expected would happen after being a yoga teacher. I was now free. I didn’t need a pen name. 
That had been the whole idea.
And I knew it was because I had nothing to say there.
Nothing that was between the lines that had been set out for me, due to the yoga career for sure. But mostly due to myself.
Maybe I had become tired in my twenties of standing out.
Or maybe I just expected that becoming a professional required being agreeable. Not charismatic.
Who knows what happened.
All I know was that tonight I thought about taking my life because I just didn’t see the point in living.
Now this is not a new thought.
Ever since my cat died at the beginning of this year, I ve been prone to darker thoughts than I even knew existed. And yet before January, I never held them possible for myself.
I ve never been depressed, or burn-out or anything like that.
And I m 46.
But give me a life without cat, and I start wondering after how many days without drinking I ll die. And how to plan that so that no one finds me.
In 74 days I ll have cat M again. She stayed over 10 weeks, August to October. And it were the happiest weeks of this year.
Having her again after the renovation, is what I look forward to.
But tonight that wasn’t enough to guard off the demons and I had a melt-down.
I wrote a blog post under my real name, which basically came down to me realizing I wasn’t inclined to write real things, under my real name.
That that blog would always remain only my most childlike, the cutest, version of me.
And that was okay.
Just not what I had imagined what it would be like, after I had become a full-time writer.
But in itself, having all the real stuff here as LS Harteveld? And the cute innocent side of me there, under my real name?
That’s not a bad thing. That could work.

It wasn’t until after writing that (pretty raw!) blogpost under my real name, and yet still the suicidal thoughts came, that I realized:
“I m missing something here. And it isn’t a cat.”

Because in my rush to separate Interesting Tell All Me (LS Harteveld), from cute and fluffy me (real name), I failed to see – or I did see that, I just didn’t think it mattered to the point of suicide – that I would still have to go to events or parties or even employers or God knows what the future would bring:
Being agreeable.
Being sensitive to what others thought.
NOT speaking my mind.
I may have an outlet on paper, in the form of my pen name. But whether my real name account was a yoga teacher? Or a fluffy writer?
Didn’t make that much of a difference.
It would still have to go to places and make conversation in a beat-around the bushes kind of way. Hell! I may even still have people in my first circle who would not like certain aspects of who I was, and who would hang on to this fluffy writer side.
And see it as proof that I was a good person.

And I didn’t MEAN “it” that way.
It was almost a reversed coming out; where instead of the yoga teacher persona, I know had a writer facade to cover up for all my LS Harteveld work. 

I could now actually say: “I m a writer” 
And everybody would think: “Oh! The fluffy one!”
But it was most of all trying to protect the people I knew, not the people who were new to me, that drove me to madness.
I didn’t want to hurt their feelings. Not at all.

And I thought they were entitled to having nice parties, and social gatherings, and I did feel out of place there often. The times I spoke my mind.
And then, feeling all awkward and socially handicapped, I thought:
“Oopsie! Must not speak my truth again!”
Whereas now, on this Friday night November 23, contemplating on the most humane, non-disruptive way, to end my life?
I know: NO.
Can’t do the sitting up and the fake smiling.
But I can’t do the opposite and speak my truth either, as if there’s only ONE truth right? Of course not! 
And I know so VERY well that people use differences of opinion to let stuff escalate on a surface level. That it’s merely a sign of deeply rooted differences, that cannot be solved. Nor need they be – on a surface level.
Suddenly I knew, what my truth was:
That I share my truth, not because I want to provoke.
Nor hurt.
But because I need to make sure that at a deeply rooted level, we are on the same page.
And that apparently, at this point in life, I can honestly say that I am no longer capable, nor willing, to operate at surface level.
This could mean that I lose acquaintances. Mostly I think it means that I won’t attend social events that require me to play nice and fluffy Me.
I like that fluffy writers account I have under my real name.
I like that side of me, I really do.
And I also like telling everything that comes from the soul here, as LS Harteveld. Without everybody who knows my name, simply because they’re my plumber or something, being able to Google it.
But that plumber or the mail man, is really as far as I m willing to go, when it comes to facades.
On the 23rd of November, 2019, I want to be able to say:
“I ve been my true to myself for 365 days.”
And feel that’s it’s okay to be me.
Instead of wanting to end it all.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

Cry Baby is the thirty-sixth chapter from Project M. 

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I’m going bananas

Lauren has discovered something.
And now questions everything she thought she knew about herself since the turn of the century.

It was called the Myers-Briggs test, and I came across it because of an article about the rarest type within that system.
I’ve always loved personality tests!
I usually have one every year, that uncovers a layer of myself that I was previously totally unaware of, or didn’t know how to label.
Like a thing that you know is, for lack of a better expression “fucking things up”, but you can’t put your finger on it.
Or something that you love doing, but that you don’t give enough time or significance because you don’t understand the rationale (or emotional connection) behind it. 
You don’t understand the Why.
How an aspect of you fits into the whole.
So when this Myers Briggs test was mentioned, I was immediately interested. It had 16 personality types and you were going to be just one!
Awesome. I’m always so bogged down by systems that start with “everybody is a bit of everything”, and dual types and all.
I understand it, but it just doesn’t satisfy me.
I took the test, and after filling out all questions a hundred percent truthful and without any hesitation, I was labeled a “Campaigner”.
And had my biggest WTF moment of the year.
Because the Campaigner’s most striking characteristic was that they loved being in groups.
Groups?
Me?
I hate groups!
I consider it the number one reason it was a good thing I quit teaching yoga. I m currently in the process of closing my yoga business, and refinding myself. Shaking off any residue behavior or personality traits, which I adopted in my fifteen years of teaching yoga.
But becoming an extrovert, who loves to be around people?
That is so not me, that I don’t know where to begin.
So initially I ignored this aspect of the test-results. Until I noticed something peculiar.. Almost every day, from different sources, I get the advice to not go on Facebook in the morning. To turn off notifications when writing. And to just in general be very moderate in my use of social media.
And I understand that.
And I follow that advice, or at least have the intention to follow it, always.
But I never do, or never longer than a day.
Instead, I find myself opening up new tabs while writing. In a way someone else would open the window to let the fresh air in.
And yet once I get into the flow, I m so concentrated they could set off a bomb next to me and I wouldn’t notice.
For me (a hermit who is alone twenty hours a day) my phone and social media are  not overwhelming at all. They’re a candy store.
An Alice in Wonderland type of situation and I do know how to climb back up the rabbit hole anytime I want to.

Feeling totally rejuvenated and inspired.
And it was somewhere when connecting the two together – the test results and my joyful use of social media – that I realized that social media too, are of course groups. I’m comfortable there, they even light me up.
And yet I pass on practically all real life invitations, obligations, and opportunities that involve me being around others.
That’s when I saw that the problem with teaching yoga, had indeed not been the group thing. Nor was the problem with me engaging in real life social activities that I didn’t like “them”.
The problem was; I didn’t like me.
Not in that setting.
Being a yoga teacher felt contracting, with little space to be myself. I felt I was being paid to leave my entire personality at the door.
And on top of that I could feel everybody’s sensitivities.
Or what they wanted out of a class, or from me.
I was having a hard time, trying to teach a class that would be satisfactory to everybody. And didn’t see a way to squeeze my true self in there.
And when I did, I immediately felt too loud, and highly self-aware. I got negative feedback, when I did write what I really thought, or spoke my mind.
And that’s when I started getting stuck and must have internalized the people pleasing approach I had in yoga class. By now I was convinced the real me was indeed not okay.
I started becoming weary not to step on any toes. Not just in class, but in all other social occasions too.
I was aware at which birthday parties, people felt insecure if I was too loud.
Which colleagues felt uneasy hearing my views about our work.
The sensitivities of my friends.
I would tiptoe around all of it.
Highly aware that every idea and any opinion, could trigger anything in anybody.
And it was driving me crazy.
Since being with others was obviously draining me, I started identifying with being an introvert; I simply didn’t get any energy out of being social.
And I found solace in seeing only one person at a time.
One client.
One friend.
One family member even, preferably.
Campaigner?
Groups?
Extrovert?
Not me.
Until it hit me that my love for social media, and blogging, and even me referring to my Inbox as “filled with gems”, were all pointing in the same extrovert direction.
And that my dislike for teaching yoga had never been because I didn’t like groups but because I disliked just that: being a Yoga Teacher.
I could have revolutionized yoga and turned it into something that didn’t require me to be some Tiny Tim version of myself.
But it was already too late.
Teaching Yoga was no longer my passion; My passion was writing.
Yoga was, or had become, just a way to pay the bills. And now that it wasn’t doing that anymore, it was time for yoga to go.
But I needed this personality test to see that it was never the group aspect, that I didn’t like.
That it was not showing my true self, that had sucked the life out of me. And that was on a steady course to seep into and poison all my relationships.
Glimpses of who I had been, before I became a yoga teacher, came back to me. How I had been completely comfortable in class, in high school and at University. Or on stage, providing I could be myself.
In my twenties and with the perspective of a real job, it turned around. I started assuming I would have to play some professional version of myself.
And other people in the form of employers started scaring me.
I ran.
Fled the academic job, but landed straight into being a yoga teacher.
Initially I felt the relief of not having a boss and a normal job anymore. Unlike my peers I was free, and no longer part of the corporate world.
But in hindsight, being a yoga teacher turned out to be just as limiting and contracting as being a professional.
I agree with the test now.
Campaigner; an extrovert who enjoys social and emotional connections with others, and is always looking for deeper meaning.
After twenty years, I no longer have to shy away from myself, nor from other people.
And I never have to leave something at the door, ever again.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

Curious which personality type you are? You can take the test here.

I’m going bananas is the thirty-fifth chapter from Project M. 

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Love Makes the World Go Round

After months of silence, Lauren decides to tell the truth about Christopher.

I came across a journaling prompt;
What would you do if fear of rejection or pain wouldn’t ruin you?
My initial thought was:
“Write Christopher. Tell him the truth about my feelings!”
You know honestly? I still might.
If this blog post doesn’t give me the truth-telling relief I hope it will, I still might send an email to Christopher.
Because it’s SUCH a good story!
And if I tell him, I can be a 100% honest. For this blog I still have to withhold and alter a significant amount of information, to protect his identity.
I can’t tell you when exactly, where exactly, I met him. Or why.
But I will tell you more than I did before.
The reason I’ve decided against telling him, is because I ve had men confess their feelings to me, and it has always made me slightly annoyed.
Furious might be a better word.
The reason I feel so provoked if a man tells me how he feels about me, is because their confession always seems to include the expectancy that:
a. I didn’t know already. And I always know already. Men want to have sex with me. Period. It’s been that way since puberty, and that’s fine.
Presuming this is new to me, however, is not fine.
It’s an insult.
Not to my sexual attractiveness but to my brain.
b. They assume their feelings for me have any influence on my feelings for them.
That’s not how it works.
Either I m in love with you, or I find you attractive. Or I don’t.
My feelings for you are independent from what you may or may not think about me, and again: It’s an insult to my emotional maturity that you expect your feelings for me, to be of influence on that.
In short, a man telling me his feelings never sits well with me, and is interpreted by me as a WTF-moment where I search for the nearest exit. Either physically or communication wise.
“Oh, look at the time!”
My disdain or sympathy for men confessing their feelings for me, makes me extremely reluctant to share this story with Christopher.
The only reason I would tell him, is not because I expect him to change his feelings for me, or make a different decision. It’s because it’s such a great story!
There is of course a fair chance that he knows this story.
I ve always assumed our feelings for each other were mutual, and he has hinted at that himself as well. So in that respect, it’s also a bit pointless to tell him a story he already knows.
And pretty presumptuous to assume that I would tell him something new.
Which is why it is better for all parties – and my ego! – to just close the entire Christopher story-line in this blog, by telling the true story.
As much as I can.
First of all: Christopher is not Idris Elba.
I ve used Idris Elba pictures on this blog, to give you a picture and make him an intriguing character. He actually IS intriguing! But the parts of him that make him that way, I can’t reveal.
So that’s why I resorted to strong measures, and played the Elba card.
Also: Christopher is not black either.
And way older than Idris Elba.
When I started this blog I had no idea how old Christopher was. Still don’t. Maybe I’ll do some online spying to see if I can find out, on a day I feel really low and need a little treat.
I also didn’t know Idris Elba’s age, but I thought he’d be about ten year younger than Christopher. Turns out! Turns out! – and I knew this because Christopher Elba was voted sexiest man alive since I started writing, so his age was suddenly all over the media; that Idris is only 46!
That’s my age!
Idris Elba will be attractive his whole life, so he is a great choice in portraying Christopher because it’s clear age doesn’t matter at all.
But Idris’ age could be like twenty years younger than Christopher’s.
I m not sure.
Just that I was a bit bumped out when I realized the actor I had chosen to “portray” Christopher, an older friend with whom I had suddenly fell in love, was born six weeks after me.
Which brings me to the second bit, which was entirely different than I told in the blog;
Christopher is not a friend.
I did not, after years of seeing him for dinner dates, suddenly fall in love. Writing about him as if he was a friend, for whom I had developed feelings, was the only way to protect his identity fully.
Just remember; At the time I started this blog, I didn’t know what would happen.
Something could…
And in that case, men who were my friends would be suspicious.
And men who I d just met, would be off the hook.
I altered his history with me, so that everybody would not suspect him of being Christopher.
Now ironically a very funny part about everything I wrote here, was not a lie;
I was indeed totally unaware of my feelings.
And my suppressed feelings were derailing my entire business and life.
Everything I tried just didn’t feel right!
My little cat Max, love of my life, died at the beginning of the year, so maybe closing off from my feelings was simply a survival mechanism. As I was trying to “fix” my life, by “fixing” my business.
The only thing I HAD in my life, the only thing constant that still demanded my attention, was my yoga company!
No wonder I automatically directed my love into my business, when Max died and I couldn’t have a new cat. For multiple reasons, really.
So it wasn’t a lie when I said my feelings for Christopher had gone unnoticed for months and had completely pulled me offtrack business wise.
Because of course nothing I came up with felt right!
I was in love. And the whole situation was completely hopeless because he was married and I already had a secret lover. Either we weren’t going to get together. Or if we did, I would have two secret lovers.
When it had already taken me years to get used to one!
NO WONDER NOTHING FELT RIGHT!
After more than three years of only having feelings for Mr.Big, completely immune to any other man, I had fallen for someone else.
That does not feel right.
That feels like a crisis.
But if you’re unaware of those feelings, yes, you will keep reorganizing your company until you drop, (or it drops) assuming that your restless agony stems from a malfunctioning marketing system.
Or whatever.
Of course!
So I can see how Max’ death, and not being in touch with my feelings, contributed to me not realizing I was in love with Christopher.
And the age thing, maybe that too played a part.
I just didn’t take him into account, whenever I found myself having such strong feelings of joy, and excitement, and it was like I knew very well I was in love. Just not with whom!
I even remember going over all the men in my life, and yet I never included him!
Ever!
We didn’t have a relationship of any kind at the time, but I did know on which occasion (which I will never reveal) I could run into him.
And I had noticed my undeniable feelings of exuberance around that setting.
And I did go over the men I was closest to, when I was there.
But never him!
So call it the revenge of ageism. And it was revenge I deserved.
But the absolute weirdest thing, is that in hindsight the way we met had all the characteristics of a scripted meet cute. The way they stage the main characters coming together in a romantic movie.
Do you know how Mr.Big and Carrie meet?
They bump into each other, and Carrie drops her bag and all her condoms fall on the sidewalk. Mr.Big, who would be her number one love interest for six seasons of Sex and the City, helps to pick them up.
We had the same meet cute.
It was spontaneous, in the sense that neither one of us planned this.
There was clumsiness. On both sides. Or maybe clumsiness is not the right word… but someone who had a radar for things like this would have picked up on it.
It seemed like the world had stopped turning.
And I know that’s an absolutely cheesy way to put it, but it really describes how clear it all was.
Just like a romantic comedy.
Everybody knows these are forces that can’t be budged with.
All the more remarkable that I then IGNORED it!
Took it out on my company!
Went over the men associated with the location, and still did not see it!
I was so ignorant – this is embarrassing – that I ended up having a good reason to spend time with him. AND YET I STILL DIDN’T SEE IT.
Yet my energy just sky-rocketed every time I saw him!
How on earth did I manage to not notice?!
And then, suddenly, after months and months, it hit me.
Oh. My. Fucking. God. It’s Christopher.
Now contrary to what I wrote here, I never wrote him a long tell-all letter where I confessed my feelings and asked him how he wanted to proceed from now on.
That would have been totally ridiculous because we weren’t friends.
If Christopher had indeed been a friend for years, and suddenly my feelings had shifted? A real heart to heart would have been a believable story.
But I didn’t even know Christopher.
We ran into each other by chance, and I hid my feelings so no one could find them, least of all me. We saw each other, but very occasionally and never in private or anything.
I could feel we were getting friendly, and that we were in the process of determining what we wanted. If we wanted to see each other, or not.
I did feel that.
But it wasn’t as if we had a bond that required explaining if my feelings had changed. And in retrospect they had not even changed, because he literally had me at hello.
Just that I had managed to ignore that for months.
So when I had that light-bulb moment, finally, after all those months. And I realized me and Christopher were testing the waters about what we wanted,  that’s when I did the bravest thing imaginable.
I would call it my personal, most altruistic moment to date.
I gave him a little heads up that I would love to go on a date, but that it would probably not be without risk and that I could imagine him passing. THAT’S ALL I WROTE.
And then he answered to that, and he did choose for his wife and marriage.
It was a very mature conversation, between two emotionally mature individuals. It was drama-free, respectful and discrete.
It’s been months. I’ve carefully avoided him, and I never saw him again.
And yet I can still remember every single word.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

Love makes the world go round is the thirty-fourth chapter from Project M. 

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spotlight on:
Het Boek Benjamin
verzameld werk Engels en Nederlands
2006-2016

Een meisje vrijt met een jongen en een homoseksuele man. Naast het overweldigende verlangen, is ze zich hyperbewust van de risico’s. Zal haar lust het winnen van de angst?
Zo opent het magnum opus van LS Harteveld.
Na de coming of age novelle Mango, duik je in het dagboek van een yoga docent. En hier blijken de fictieve karakters uit Mango bestaande personen.
Benjamin keert zelfs boek na boek weer terug. Maar wat is de waarheid?
En wie is Benjamin?
Het laatste boek gaat over haar affaire met een getrouwde man die ze Mr. Big noemt.
Waardoor de vraag rijst; Is hij Benjamin?
Heeft LS Harteveld haar muze in bescherming genomen en zijn identiteit veranderd? Of heeft ze een nieuwe liefde gevonden? Een vrouw leunt over een tafel. Ze is naakt, op haar blinddoek na.
Haar minnaar rekt haar grenzen op tot het uiterste van wat nog passend is, in dit spel der geesten. Misschien gaat hij eroverheen, dat blijft in het midden. Maar 25 jaar na de eerste scene, is één ding duidelijk;
de lust heeft gewonnen.

Levering in Nederland

De goedkoopste manier om mijn werk te kopen is via de uitgeverij – 
In verband met problemen met de pakjesdiensten én mijn eigen postbus,
kan ik helaas geen boeken meer opsturen.

Maar ik heb ze nog wel.
Je kunt hier beneden de beschrijvingen lezen of mijn boeken
bekijken via de webwinkel en daarna bestellen via mail:
onder mijn eigen naam

Suzanne s_beenackers@hotmail.com
Betaling is vooraf via mijn privérekening, en overdracht op het station van Nijmegen.
Signeren gratis uiteraard!

Minimale bestelling € 10
Als je een bon wilt, moet je via de uitgeverij bestellen, en niet via mij.

Hieronder het oeuvre en de prijzen.
alle boeken zijn handzaam A5, behalve Het Boek Benjamin, dat is groot studieboek formaat (soft cover) dat je open moet leggen.

Het Boek Benjamin €45
Verzameld werk boek 1 t/m 8
Beschrijving boven, losse boeken beneden. 

1. Mango, een novelle  €15
Seksuele safari, van de jaren 80 tot de zero’s.
Een stoer, technisch meisje groeit op met alleen een moeder, in de roerige jaren 80. Roken is nog van alle leeftijden, drinken idem, en seks ook zolang je bestand bent tegen voorlichtingsfolders over aids waarbij het woord AIDS in bloedspatten is geschreven.

Dat blijkt helaas teveel van ‘t goede.
Vermengd met een verleden in Afrika, en een overleden vader, ontwikkelt deze arrogante tiener een angststoornis waar geen psycholoog haar bij kan helpen. Maar ze blijft aangetrokken tot mooie jongens en homoseksuele mannen.

2. Dutch American Diary (2008-2009) €15
Yoga teacher Lauren is in love with two men; One cunning wizard and one half her age.
 The affair was secret so Lauren called him; He Who Must Not Be Named. After the dark wizard in the Harry Potter series. She tried to get over this American but after a year she only has her mistakes to show for. Including dating an Israeli spy and a Buddhist photographer.

Now her wizard obsession is back full throttle and the next disaster has already emerged;  an attractive yoga student. Young enough to be her son.
Faced with nothing but diabolic choices, Lauren confides in her best friend; the warm and friendly Lara. Despite having the same nationality as He Who Must Not Be Named, and working at the same office coven, Lara seems to lack his foul nature.
Or does she?
Once you’ve read Dutch American Diary? You’ll never ever in your life make the mistake of messing with a yoga teacher. 
~Dutch American Diary part 1

3. 22 Erotische Verhalen €15
Literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin en Isabel Allende.
Ze komen en gaan; de kleurrijke personages in deze dromerige erotische wereld, waar ze je één verhaal lang deelgenoot maken van hun diepste verlangen en hun ergste pijn. Die vaker wel dan niet op magische wijze met elkaar verbonden blijken.

Grenzen worden genegeerd, lusten gebotvierd, wonden geheeld.
Sinds Anais Nin heeft geen schrijver zo onbevreesd het grijze gebied durven te betreden tussen het verbodene, het gruwelijke en het goddelijke. De lezer krijgt naast onversneden liefde en zinderende ontknopingen, ook een spiegel voorgehouden die je laat zien wat er zich afspeelt in de donkerste delen van je ziel. 

 4. LS Diary (2012-2013) €10
About three dark men and Lauren getting naked on stage. Not necessarily together.
 Being dark, smart, and handsome, a Dutch writer bears the characteristics Lauren only knows  too well. He looks exactly like her male muse and unwanted protagonist in the majority of her writing.

A published writer and sought-after talk show guest, the Dutch writer has succeeded where blogger Lauren is failing year after year. After year. She feels the weight of her unpublished manuscripts, and her failed attempts to become a writer. To make matters worse she already has one ill-natured stalker. As if the liabilities of being famous have preceded its benefits.
Lauren gets her shit together prioritizing her work, ignoring men, sex and stalkers. But will it work?  Star struck Lauren meets the celebrity in real life, and soon enough her supposedly highly efficient sex-free life includes a naked guest appearance on stage, a blow-job in a parking garage and a seven month relationship.
~LS Diary can be read as standalone or as Dutch American Diary part 2

5. De Candystop (2013) €10
Waar de Nederlandse literatuur tot stilstand komt door een Marokkaanse lekkernij.
Getergd door een rits onduidelijke medische klachten, besluit Lauren geen suiker meer te eten, geen Chardonnay meer te nemen, en geen latte macchiato’s meer te drinken.

Na een paar weken is ze zo apathisch dat ze zelfs vergeet te masturberen.
Tot een jonge Marokkaanse god op tv verschijnt die tegen Lauren zegt;
“LauRRRen! WakkeRRR woRRRden! Ik ben ook schRRRijveRRR en ik heb ook een leuk leven!”
Dat is zo. Sam doet de vier s’en. Hij schrijft, hij sport, hij sekst en hij slaapt.
Ineens weet Lauren nog steeds niet waar het naartoe moet met haar leven, maar ze is wel klaarwakker. Zeker als ze erachter komt, dat Sam binnen een week een optreden geeft bij haar om de hoek.
Sam doet haar denken aan een verboden relatie met haar leerling, iets waar ze gemengde gevoelens over heeft. Sam wil die best met haar onderzoeken, maar hij vraag een prijs…

6. Bedtime Stories (2014) €15
Facing her demons and her muse, Lauren’s sexual history gets its worthy finale.
Lauren is corresponding with Elliot, but somewhere between The Netherlands and Vegas, things have stranded. To get their project back on track Lauren resorts to strong measures: making the whole damn thing public.

Sharing eight months of her life, Lauren’s third diary reintroduces all popular characters, such as writer Rafael and his legendary mythical counterpart Benjamin. Young writer Sam and his ghost twin Valentino.
Closing the Dutch American Diary trilogy, the 1991 story lines are finally tied together. With an extremely satisfying ending. Although not in a way anyone saw coming.
 ~LS Diary can be read as standalone or as Dutch American Diary part 3

7. Mirage (2014) €5
Giving you a little dessert, with all gorgeous writers from previous books.
Lauren, the former hedonistic cougar, is home bound, mothering her little ones, sick with worry and about to get dumped by her lover. Together with autumn setting in, Lauren needs her annual Cute Writer Fix more than ever. And this year there’s five of them.
Including a lunch date with the most famous author of the Netherlands; her youth love Henry.
~Mirage can be read as standalone or as the epilogue to the Dutch American Diary trilogy.

8. Big, diaries & erotica (2015-2016)  €20
The crown to Lauren’s life; a secret affair with her Biggie.
Ten years and ten lovers have taught Lauren two things.

One: single life is a disaster.
And two: men suck at anal sex.
So when Mr.Big comes along and succeeds where all the others have failed, Lauren is euphoric. She immediately picks up her pen to write about it, and her first story is indeed called “The Biggie”, about his flawless performance.  
For two years Lauren documents her secret affair with the married business man. She writes about their explosive encounters, her unwavering love, and her powerful insights. Gradually, Lauren changes. From an scarred single, to a woman totally owning her worth and her true nature. Ten years after ending her relationship in order to explore love and sex in all their forms, Lauren Harteveld becomes the ultimate mistress.

los verkrijgbaar, niet in Het Boek Benjamin:

Witte Tijgerin €5
Gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie.
Een Witte Tijgerin is een alleenstaande, onafhankelijke vrouw. Haar contact met mannen is erop gericht dat ze er energie van krijgt. Stel je voor! Nooit meer gehannes met beginnende relaties die het toch nét niet zijn. Nooit meer die morning-after backlash. Geïnspireerd op het klassieke Taoïstische werk De Witte Tijgerin van Hsi Lai, onthult deze gids;
– hoe je de touwtjes in handen houdt
– hoe je je liefdesleven gebruikt voor je plezier
– hoe je met seks je jeugdigheid herstelt.
Hij zal niet kunnen wachten om weer met je af te spreken! 

 

La Isla Bonita

Lauren is invited to come over, by Mr.Big. And she wonders if there will ever be something that will make her feel more alive, than her secret lover. 

Our dates always go by so quickly. And they always make me wish I took notes.
Notes!
So that I could actually write something to do it justice. But naturally there is no one thing, no one anecdote about me and Mr.Big that would offer an explanation why we love seeing each other so much.
Neither one of us would say “love each other so much” because that would ruin the idea that we still have to conquer each other every time, all over again.
Even after three and a half year, closer to four years by now.
Not taking each other for granted is of course a big part of it.
Which was really interesting because Mr.Big and me met at the caterer, and we actually had this huge disconnect! Maybe he was genuinely trying to make conversation; Yet I felt this wave of irritation coming from him.
As if he was taking a bad business day out on me, or something else that was bothering him.
But strangely enough it made me want him more.
It rose the stakes because it made me realize we actually do have to conquer each other every time. Our love, or our ability to deal with adversity, may not be strong enough to pull us through quarrel.
And that insecurity is exciting.

We could be so attached to our time being loving and light, that we would have little patience nor willingness to work for it. Like any couple other we are not immune to falling into the trap of entitlement.
But in me it sparked the opposite.
It felt like a challenge to have him show his irritation. What I did, although I must say it was intuitively, was to take my coat off.
My coat is like a shell. A mask. I once read Anais Nin too, attributed great significance to coats and cloaks. She realized they protected her, and that she could become a different person, by wearing one.
That is exactly how I wear them too.
I have shorter jackets as well, which are more practical, warmer, water and wind resistant and so on. Yet, I hardly ever wear them. Unless I work the land or something.
Which I do about once a year.
I simply need those long, stylish,  black or white coats for protection. They fight off intruders, because they make me unapproachable.
Intuitively I seemed to understand I needed to take my coat off.
And I did.
I also managed to not let myself be triggered, and before we were home with our French cuisine which included chocolate mousse for dessert;
we were already back to fun and flirting.
But I still appreciated the date starting by having to work for it. It made the evening all the sweeter.
Strangely enough though, I didn’t feel very sexual.
But my mood shifted and we had lovely sex.
I told Mr.Big, I should have known beforehand that I we would have sex. Because I had shaved my pussy, completely smooth.
It’s not my normal look but I need a trimmer for that, and it needed recharging. So instead of working my way around it with scissors, I just found it more convenient to shave it all off.
“I always get so hot, if it’s bald,” I confessed, lying in his arms, after our first time that night. “Have I ever told you about the first time? My boyfriend did it.”
I told him the story of my boyfriend shaving it all off, at my request. I was lying on the bed with my legs pulled up and a towel under my hips.
He had a bowl of warm water, shaving cream, shaving knife.
It took forever, and by the time he was done I was hornier than I had ever been in my life.
“We even tried to go for a walk that day, but we turned back because I was so horny at the idea I was completely shaven. I think we had sex for 24 hours straight or so.”
“I would feel a little scared doing that,” Mr.Big remarked. “Shaving you, down there.”
“Well, you’re the experienced one! You guys shave every day!”
“Yes. And it goes wrong occasionally.”
The thought of Mr.Big shaving me, and it hurting and being bloody turned me on so much I immediately wanted to have sex again.
Even the thought of pain made the pleasure all the sweeter.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

La Isla Bonita is the thirty-third chapter from Project M. 

The subscribe button to this diary is somewhere on the right.
or follow Twitter ; or Facebook
NEW connect on Linkedin

BOOK SHOP
Gives a 25% discount on all prices
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

spotlight on:
Het Boek Benjamin
verzameld werk Engels en Nederlands
2006-2016

Een meisje vrijt met een jongen en een homoseksuele man. Naast het overweldigende verlangen, is ze zich hyperbewust van de risico’s. Zal haar lust het winnen van de angst?
Zo opent het magnum opus van LS Harteveld.
Na de coming of age novelle Mango, duik je in het dagboek van een yoga docent. En hier blijken de fictieve karakters uit Mango bestaande personen.
Benjamin keert zelfs boek na boek weer terug. Maar wat is de waarheid?
En wie is Benjamin?
Het laatste boek gaat over haar affaire met een getrouwde man die ze Mr. Big noemt.
Waardoor de vraag rijst; Is hij Benjamin?
Heeft LS Harteveld haar muze in bescherming genomen en zijn identiteit veranderd? Of heeft ze een nieuwe liefde gevonden? Een vrouw leunt over een tafel. Ze is naakt, op haar blinddoek na.
Haar minnaar rekt haar grenzen op tot het uiterste van wat nog passend is, in dit spel der geesten. Misschien gaat hij eroverheen, dat blijft in het midden. Maar 25 jaar na de eerste scene, is één ding duidelijk;
de lust heeft gewonnen.

Levering in Nederland

De goedkoopste manier om mijn werk te kopen is via de uitgeverij – 
In verband met problemen met de pakjesdiensten én mijn eigen postbus,
kan ik helaas geen boeken meer opsturen.

Maar ik heb ze nog wel.
Je kunt hier beneden de beschrijvingen lezen of mijn boeken
bekijken via de webwinkel en daarna bestellen via mail:
onder mijn eigen naam

Suzanne s_beenackers@hotmail.com
Betaling is vooraf via mijn privérekening, en overdracht op het station van Nijmegen.
Signeren gratis uiteraard!

Minimale bestelling € 10
Als je een bon wilt, moet je via de uitgeverij bestellen, en niet via mij.

Hieronder het oeuvre en de prijzen.
alle boeken zijn handzaam A5, behalve Het Boek Benjamin, dat is groot studieboek formaat (soft cover) dat je open moet leggen.

Het Boek Benjamin €45
Verzameld werk boek 1 t/m 8
Beschrijving boven, losse boeken beneden. 

1. Mango, een novelle  €15
Seksuele safari, van de jaren 80 tot de zero’s.
Een stoer, technisch meisje groeit op met alleen een moeder, in de roerige jaren 80. Roken is nog van alle leeftijden, drinken idem, en seks ook zolang je bestand bent tegen voorlichtingsfolders over aids waarbij het woord AIDS in bloedspatten is geschreven.

Dat blijkt helaas teveel van ‘t goede.
Vermengd met een verleden in Afrika, en een overleden vader, ontwikkelt deze arrogante tiener een angststoornis waar geen psycholoog haar bij kan helpen. Maar ze blijft aangetrokken tot mooie jongens en homoseksuele mannen.

2. Dutch American Diary (2008-2009) €15
Yoga teacher Lauren is in love with two men; One cunning wizard and one half her age.
 The affair was secret so Lauren called him; He Who Must Not Be Named. After the dark wizard in the Harry Potter series. She tried to get over this American but after a year she only has her mistakes to show for. Including dating an Israeli spy and a Buddhist photographer.

Now her wizard obsession is back full throttle and the next disaster has already emerged;  an attractive yoga student. Young enough to be her son.
Faced with nothing but diabolic choices, Lauren confides in her best friend; the warm and friendly Lara. Despite having the same nationality as He Who Must Not Be Named, and working at the same office coven, Lara seems to lack his foul nature.
Or does she?
Once you’ve read Dutch American Diary? You’ll never ever in your life make the mistake of messing with a yoga teacher. 
~Dutch American Diary part 1

3. 22 Erotische Verhalen €15
Literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin en Isabel Allende.
Ze komen en gaan; de kleurrijke personages in deze dromerige erotische wereld, waar ze je één verhaal lang deelgenoot maken van hun diepste verlangen en hun ergste pijn. Die vaker wel dan niet op magische wijze met elkaar verbonden blijken.

Grenzen worden genegeerd, lusten gebotvierd, wonden geheeld.
Sinds Anais Nin heeft geen schrijver zo onbevreesd het grijze gebied durven te betreden tussen het verbodene, het gruwelijke en het goddelijke. De lezer krijgt naast onversneden liefde en zinderende ontknopingen, ook een spiegel voorgehouden die je laat zien wat er zich afspeelt in de donkerste delen van je ziel. 

 4. LS Diary (2012-2013) €10
About three dark men and Lauren getting naked on stage. Not necessarily together.
 Being dark, smart, and handsome, a Dutch writer bears the characteristics Lauren only knows  too well. He looks exactly like her male muse and unwanted protagonist in the majority of her writing.

A published writer and sought-after talk show guest, the Dutch writer has succeeded where blogger Lauren is failing year after year. After year. She feels the weight of her unpublished manuscripts, and her failed attempts to become a writer. To make matters worse she already has one ill-natured stalker. As if the liabilities of being famous have preceded its benefits.
Lauren gets her shit together prioritizing her work, ignoring men, sex and stalkers. But will it work?  Star struck Lauren meets the celebrity in real life, and soon enough her supposedly highly efficient sex-free life includes a naked guest appearance on stage, a blow-job in a parking garage and a seven month relationship.
~LS Diary can be read as standalone or as Dutch American Diary part 2

5. De Candystop (2013) €10
Waar de Nederlandse literatuur tot stilstand komt door een Marokkaanse lekkernij.
Getergd door een rits onduidelijke medische klachten, besluit Lauren geen suiker meer te eten, geen Chardonnay meer te nemen, en geen latte macchiato’s meer te drinken.

Na een paar weken is ze zo apathisch dat ze zelfs vergeet te masturberen.
Tot een jonge Marokkaanse god op tv verschijnt die tegen Lauren zegt;
“LauRRRen! WakkeRRR woRRRden! Ik ben ook schRRRijveRRR en ik heb ook een leuk leven!”
Dat is zo. Sam doet de vier s’en. Hij schrijft, hij sport, hij sekst en hij slaapt.
Ineens weet Lauren nog steeds niet waar het naartoe moet met haar leven, maar ze is wel klaarwakker. Zeker als ze erachter komt, dat Sam binnen een week een optreden geeft bij haar om de hoek.
Sam doet haar denken aan een verboden relatie met haar leerling, iets waar ze gemengde gevoelens over heeft. Sam wil die best met haar onderzoeken, maar hij vraag een prijs…

6. Bedtime Stories (2014) €15
Facing her demons and her muse, Lauren’s sexual history gets its worthy finale.
Lauren is corresponding with Elliot, but somewhere between The Netherlands and Vegas, things have stranded. To get their project back on track Lauren resorts to strong measures: making the whole damn thing public.

Sharing eight months of her life, Lauren’s third diary reintroduces all popular characters, such as writer Rafael and his legendary mythical counterpart Benjamin. Young writer Sam and his ghost twin Valentino.
Closing the Dutch American Diary trilogy, the 1991 story lines are finally tied together. With an extremely satisfying ending. Although not in a way anyone saw coming.
 ~LS Diary can be read as standalone or as Dutch American Diary part 3

7. Mirage (2014) €5
Giving you a little dessert, with all gorgeous writers from previous books.
Lauren, the former hedonistic cougar, is home bound, mothering her little ones, sick with worry and about to get dumped by her lover. Together with autumn setting in, Lauren needs her annual Cute Writer Fix more than ever. And this year there’s five of them.
Including a lunch date with the most famous author of the Netherlands; her youth love Henry.
~Mirage can be read as standalone or as the epilogue to the Dutch American Diary trilogy.

8. Big, diaries & erotica (2015-2016)  €20
The crown to Lauren’s life; a secret affair with her Biggie.
Ten years and ten lovers have taught Lauren two things.

One: single life is a disaster.
And two: men suck at anal sex.
So when Mr.Big comes along and succeeds where all the others have failed, Lauren is euphoric. She immediately picks up her pen to write about it, and her first story is indeed called “The Biggie”, about his flawless performance.  
For two years Lauren documents her secret affair with the married business man. She writes about their explosive encounters, her unwavering love, and her powerful insights. Gradually, Lauren changes. From an scarred single, to a woman totally owning her worth and her true nature. Ten years after ending her relationship in order to explore love and sex in all their forms, Lauren Harteveld becomes the ultimate mistress.

los verkrijgbaar, niet in Het Boek Benjamin:

Witte Tijgerin €5
Gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie.
Een Witte Tijgerin is een alleenstaande, onafhankelijke vrouw. Haar contact met mannen is erop gericht dat ze er energie van krijgt. Stel je voor! Nooit meer gehannes met beginnende relaties die het toch nét niet zijn. Nooit meer die morning-after backlash. Geïnspireerd op het klassieke Taoïstische werk De Witte Tijgerin van Hsi Lai, onthult deze gids;
– hoe je de touwtjes in handen houdt
– hoe je je liefdesleven gebruikt voor je plezier
– hoe je met seks je jeugdigheid herstelt.
Hij zal niet kunnen wachten om weer met je af te spreken! 

 

Open your heart

Lauren’s productivity is dangerously close to zero. On the day she needs to impress her coach.

Hi Sara!

I look forward to our call.
If it’s our last, I would love to renew!!

If you still want me that is, because I m aware that I haven’t made a lot of progress so maybe I don t meet your standards. But I do hope so. Our calls really give me an opportunity to have this feeling of accountability, and no matter how lousy the weeks were, I always feel like I get a clean start.
I would definitely like to renew.

Since our last call I ve gotten very inspired by two MAJOR things!!
The first was the movie Bohemian Rhapsody
Which I ve seen 5 times by now, and it inspired a really lengthy piece that tells everything there is to know about me and the meaning of life.
And I m not going to give you the link because what if you feel obliged to read that whole thing?!
And 2: Bon Jovi coming the Netherlands!
That was my first concert in 1988, and I ve reconstructed that it actually propelled my sexual career by giving me status, and identity. And I got a boyfriend who was way out of my league, within a month after that concert.
And he looked exactly like Jon Bongiovi.
I can t understand I never saw that.
Needless to say he broke by heart but it was the best thing that could have happened to me.
Anyway, them coming back on June 13, was definitely a huge inspiration to get my shit together, and reconnect with the 16 year old me.

The bad news is;
Past weeks were (at least initially) very disappointing with regard to me figuring out how to balance creating and publishing.
The first ten days I focused on creating.
And the last three days on time off (weekend) and publishing (today).
Both of which only happened because I completely gave up on the idea of creating anything, when I m in my publishing phase.
Last week I did create videos, and blogs under my real name. And also wrote that fabulous piece for LS Harteveld.
Yet Friday I felt so terribly dissatisfied and even a bit desperate.
Because my books, my publishing had not been worked on for weeks.

I still feel a bit guilty for giving up on writing new stuff and on making videos. But I do feel better today, after working for 7 hours straight on publishing my yoga book. 
This will actually be the first one to finish. I m doing it book by book now. Six total.
And I also did yoga, and my body was not the way I remembered it!
Oh dear.
So that’s a thing as well: I need to pick up on bike rides and yoga,
because my body does not like this flaky physical regime I have.

This is my preliminary daily planning for the publishing phase.
8-2 pm publishing
2 pm – 3 pm admin/ stuff to do with (transfer of) yoga studio
cycle and run errands
dinner
yoga and writing or social

Talk to you tomorrow.

Best wishes,

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

Open your heart is the thirty-second chapter from Project M. 

The subscribe button to this diary is somewhere on the right.
or follow Twitter ; or Facebook
NEW connect on Linkedin

BOOK SHOP
Gives a 25% discount on all prices
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

spotlight on:
Het Boek Benjamin
verzameld werk Engels en Nederlands
2006-2016

Een meisje vrijt met een jongen en een homoseksuele man. Naast het overweldigende verlangen, is ze zich hyperbewust van de risico’s. Zal haar lust het winnen van de angst?
Zo opent het magnum opus van LS Harteveld.
Na de coming of age novelle Mango, duik je in het dagboek van een yoga docent. En hier blijken de fictieve karakters uit Mango bestaande personen.
Benjamin keert zelfs boek na boek weer terug. Maar wat is de waarheid?
En wie is Benjamin?
Het laatste boek gaat over haar affaire met een getrouwde man die ze Mr. Big noemt.
Waardoor de vraag rijst; Is hij Benjamin?
Heeft LS Harteveld haar muze in bescherming genomen en zijn identiteit veranderd? Of heeft ze een nieuwe liefde gevonden? Een vrouw leunt over een tafel. Ze is naakt, op haar blinddoek na.
Haar minnaar rekt haar grenzen op tot het uiterste van wat nog passend is, in dit spel der geesten. Misschien gaat hij eroverheen, dat blijft in het midden. Maar 25 jaar na de eerste scene, is één ding duidelijk;
de lust heeft gewonnen.

Levering in Nederland

De goedkoopste manier om mijn werk te kopen is via de uitgeverij – 
In verband met problemen met de pakjesdiensten én mijn eigen postbus,
kan ik helaas geen boeken meer opsturen.

Maar ik heb ze nog wel.
Je kunt hier beneden de beschrijvingen lezen of mijn boeken
bekijken via de webwinkel en daarna bestellen via mail:
onder mijn eigen naam

Suzanne s_beenackers@hotmail.com
Betaling is vooraf via mijn privérekening, en overdracht op het station van Nijmegen.
Signeren gratis uiteraard!

Minimale bestelling € 10
Als je een bon wilt, moet je via de uitgeverij bestellen, en niet via mij.

Hieronder het oeuvre en de prijzen.
alle boeken zijn handzaam A5, behalve Het Boek Benjamin, dat is groot studieboek formaat (soft cover) dat je open moet leggen.

Het Boek Benjamin €45
Verzameld werk boek 1 t/m 8
Beschrijving boven, losse boeken beneden. 

1. Mango, een novelle  €15
Seksuele safari, van de jaren 80 tot de zero’s.
Een stoer, technisch meisje groeit op met alleen een moeder, in de roerige jaren 80. Roken is nog van alle leeftijden, drinken idem, en seks ook zolang je bestand bent tegen voorlichtingsfolders over aids waarbij het woord AIDS in bloedspatten is geschreven.

Dat blijkt helaas teveel van ‘t goede.
Vermengd met een verleden in Afrika, en een overleden vader, ontwikkelt deze arrogante tiener een angststoornis waar geen psycholoog haar bij kan helpen. Maar ze blijft aangetrokken tot mooie jongens en homoseksuele mannen.

2. Dutch American Diary (2008-2009) €15
Yoga teacher Lauren is in love with two men; One cunning wizard and one half her age.
 The affair was secret so Lauren called him; He Who Must Not Be Named. After the dark wizard in the Harry Potter series. She tried to get over this American but after a year she only has her mistakes to show for. Including dating an Israeli spy and a Buddhist photographer.

Now her wizard obsession is back full throttle and the next disaster has already emerged;  an attractive yoga student. Young enough to be her son.
Faced with nothing but diabolic choices, Lauren confides in her best friend; the warm and friendly Lara. Despite having the same nationality as He Who Must Not Be Named, and working at the same office coven, Lara seems to lack his foul nature.
Or does she?
Once you’ve read Dutch American Diary? You’ll never ever in your life make the mistake of messing with a yoga teacher. 
~Dutch American Diary part 1

3. 22 Erotische Verhalen €15
Literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin en Isabel Allende.
Ze komen en gaan; de kleurrijke personages in deze dromerige erotische wereld, waar ze je één verhaal lang deelgenoot maken van hun diepste verlangen en hun ergste pijn. Die vaker wel dan niet op magische wijze met elkaar verbonden blijken.

Grenzen worden genegeerd, lusten gebotvierd, wonden geheeld.
Sinds Anais Nin heeft geen schrijver zo onbevreesd het grijze gebied durven te betreden tussen het verbodene, het gruwelijke en het goddelijke. De lezer krijgt naast onversneden liefde en zinderende ontknopingen, ook een spiegel voorgehouden die je laat zien wat er zich afspeelt in de donkerste delen van je ziel. 

 4. LS Diary (2012-2013) €10
About three dark men and Lauren getting naked on stage. Not necessarily together.
 Being dark, smart, and handsome, a Dutch writer bears the characteristics Lauren only knows  too well. He looks exactly like her male muse and unwanted protagonist in the majority of her writing.

A published writer and sought-after talk show guest, the Dutch writer has succeeded where blogger Lauren is failing year after year. After year. She feels the weight of her unpublished manuscripts, and her failed attempts to become a writer. To make matters worse she already has one ill-natured stalker. As if the liabilities of being famous have preceded its benefits.
Lauren gets her shit together prioritizing her work, ignoring men, sex and stalkers. But will it work?  Star struck Lauren meets the celebrity in real life, and soon enough her supposedly highly efficient sex-free life includes a naked guest appearance on stage, a blow-job in a parking garage and a seven month relationship.
~LS Diary can be read as standalone or as Dutch American Diary part 2

5. De Candystop (2013) €10
Waar de Nederlandse literatuur tot stilstand komt door een Marokkaanse lekkernij.
Getergd door een rits onduidelijke medische klachten, besluit Lauren geen suiker meer te eten, geen Chardonnay meer te nemen, en geen latte macchiato’s meer te drinken.

Na een paar weken is ze zo apathisch dat ze zelfs vergeet te masturberen.
Tot een jonge Marokkaanse god op tv verschijnt die tegen Lauren zegt;
“LauRRRen! WakkeRRR woRRRden! Ik ben ook schRRRijveRRR en ik heb ook een leuk leven!”
Dat is zo. Sam doet de vier s’en. Hij schrijft, hij sport, hij sekst en hij slaapt.
Ineens weet Lauren nog steeds niet waar het naartoe moet met haar leven, maar ze is wel klaarwakker. Zeker als ze erachter komt, dat Sam binnen een week een optreden geeft bij haar om de hoek.
Sam doet haar denken aan een verboden relatie met haar leerling, iets waar ze gemengde gevoelens over heeft. Sam wil die best met haar onderzoeken, maar hij vraag een prijs…

6. Bedtime Stories (2014) €15
Facing her demons and her muse, Lauren’s sexual history gets its worthy finale.
Lauren is corresponding with Elliot, but somewhere between The Netherlands and Vegas, things have stranded. To get their project back on track Lauren resorts to strong measures: making the whole damn thing public.

Sharing eight months of her life, Lauren’s third diary reintroduces all popular characters, such as writer Rafael and his legendary mythical counterpart Benjamin. Young writer Sam and his ghost twin Valentino.
Closing the Dutch American Diary trilogy, the 1991 story lines are finally tied together. With an extremely satisfying ending. Although not in a way anyone saw coming.
 ~LS Diary can be read as standalone or as Dutch American Diary part 3

7. Mirage (2014) €5
Giving you a little dessert, with all gorgeous writers from previous books.
Lauren, the former hedonistic cougar, is home bound, mothering her little ones, sick with worry and about to get dumped by her lover. Together with autumn setting in, Lauren needs her annual Cute Writer Fix more than ever. And this year there’s five of them.
Including a lunch date with the most famous author of the Netherlands; her youth love Henry.
~Mirage can be read as standalone or as the epilogue to the Dutch American Diary trilogy.

8. Big, diaries & erotica (2015-2016)  €20
The crown to Lauren’s life; a secret affair with her Biggie.
Ten years and ten lovers have taught Lauren two things.

One: single life is a disaster.
And two: men suck at anal sex.
So when Mr.Big comes along and succeeds where all the others have failed, Lauren is euphoric. She immediately picks up her pen to write about it, and her first story is indeed called “The Biggie”, about his flawless performance.  
For two years Lauren documents her secret affair with the married business man. She writes about their explosive encounters, her unwavering love, and her powerful insights. Gradually, Lauren changes. From an scarred single, to a woman totally owning her worth and her true nature. Ten years after ending her relationship in order to explore love and sex in all their forms, Lauren Harteveld becomes the ultimate mistress.

los verkrijgbaar, niet in Het Boek Benjamin:

Witte Tijgerin €5
Gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie.
Een Witte Tijgerin is een alleenstaande, onafhankelijke vrouw. Haar contact met mannen is erop gericht dat ze er energie van krijgt. Stel je voor! Nooit meer gehannes met beginnende relaties die het toch nét niet zijn. Nooit meer die morning-after backlash. Geïnspireerd op het klassieke Taoïstische werk De Witte Tijgerin van Hsi Lai, onthult deze gids;
– hoe je de touwtjes in handen houdt
– hoe je je liefdesleven gebruikt voor je plezier
– hoe je met seks je jeugdigheid herstelt.
Hij zal niet kunnen wachten om weer met je af te spreken! 

 

Causing a Commotion

left Freddie Mercury, right Rami Malek

It wasn’t until the fourth screening of Bohemian Rhapsody, before Lauren understood why this 80’s bio-pic really hit home for her.
And it was something she never thought she’d share.

Maybe I failed to recognize the deeper layer because Bohemian Rhapsody is a feelgood movie.
Or maybe because Freddie Mercury’s sexuality was supposedly “downplayed”. As critics claimed who seemed to be looking for a posthumous outing of the star who never wanted to be seen as gay, or sick, during his life.
Or maybe because I simply saw my aids phobia as a thing from the past.
It had been rooted in a stay in Africa but I was basically talked into it by overly protective parents, and government funded sex education.
Although I hung in there for a couple of years, I broke at the age of 17 and hid in long-term relationships until I was way over thirty.
I worked through all these fears in my first book, the Dutch novel Mango.
Mango featured both the aids phobia, as well as making out with gay or bisexual boys in my mid-teens.
As if I had been magnetically drawn to the risks that scared me most.
Until at seventeen, and still a virgin, I gave up experimenting and turned away from exciting heterosexual or gay men. I had two long-term relationships with reliable, straight men.

For 17 long years.
So maybe it was because of all those things, that I didn’t see the reason I kept coming back to the theater for another dose of Bohemian Rhapsody.
But I had been deluded on all of those accounts.

First of all Bohemian Rhapsody is not merely a feelgood movie. It is the triumph of passion in the broadest sense of the word. And it shows it coming at the ultimate price.
Secondly Freddie Mercury’s sexuality is not “downplayed”.
There are two male-male kisses that moved me to my core. And we all know what core means in this sentence.
But most of all I was wrong about my lack of emotional baggage.
In fact, I now consider myself absolutely ignorant, on how two decades of fear and sexual hiding have turned me into the person I am today.

My anxiety, my phobia for aids, was never “one story” that could be neatly written up in one book. And that after that I became a liberated heterosexual single woman.
My lover Mr.Big pointed out a long time ago, how my aids phobia had put my sexuality under tremendous pressure, in my developing years. That it was the most logical explanation for my need for sex to be exciting and adventurous.

It wasn’t that I couldn’t enjoy normal sex. For the untrained eye at least.
I had that within the two long-term relationships.
But it was just NORMAL.
I always call my body beginner-friendly. It responds pretty easily. I m good at turning myself on (by thinking of a more exciting setting) and I have orgasms easily. 
But having said all that none of those long-term relationships, nor most of the shorter ones, came close to what I really wanted.
What I thought about when I masturbated.
What fascinated me.
Moved me to my core.
And we still know what core means in this sentence.
Someone once told me his mother taught him:
“When a woman says she’s okay, she never is.”
I was “okay” in the sense that I wasn’t having panic attacks.
But it wasn’t having the type of sex I really wanted. Which was dangerously close to being gang banged in a dark room, as far as I knew.
I had no idea because I never had the chance to explore.
After twelve years of being single, I am aware my sexuality is actually quite the opposite to having sex with strangers.
The key for me is that I want my partner or partners to be sexually audacious. I still don’t think I could handle my partner being exposed to risks the way gay men were in the eighties.
But I would definitely try, if that was the situation at hand.
I ve always admired gay men for their zest for life. It is that entrepreneurial approach to sex that I require a partner to have. And I also need a partner to weave power play into sex, and role play with me.
Badly.
That was the kink my lover was referring to.
“You’re so used to sex being this high-voltage thing; you simply don’t respond to normal sex.”
He was right.
Yet a monogamous, master-submissive like relationship would never satisfy me either.
I need a man to move freely in and out of my life.
Aside from the fact that I loved seeing male-male kissing, my fascination with gay men had also been fueled by the fact that they were usually promiscuous. When it could cost them their life.
In my opinion, then and now, it made gay men and gay relationships the absolute pinnacle of sexuality. They were like Gods.
And in the eighties there was another element that added to the status of gay men:
They had been unaware of the risks.
As Paul Gambaccini counts back, in the documentary Mercury Rising, there was a more than fair chance Freddie had already been infected long before anybody knew anything about the virus.
Which could explain why he seemed to take so many risks later in life.
I had been in my early teens when aids became known. So warnings for aids fit seamlessly into my sex education.
For better or worse.
But Freddie had been my parent’s age. He had been part of the gay scene since the late seventies. Freddie Mercury was never given a choice if he was willing to risk contracting hiv. It was too late for that.
However, my high voltage association with sex, which was rooted in a phobia for aids and my fascination for gay men, was still not the whole picture.
Although Bohemian Rhapsody did give me a shiver of excitement, to see that fear played out by one of those Gods of the eighties (Mercury!).
There was another aspect of myself, my personality, which I had never before connected to what happened in the eighties.
I could see it now.
And also: Why no one would ever agree with me on this.
I usually don’t talk about it because I don’t want to upset people, and also because I get tired of them talking back at me.
Like I m some kind of moron.
I talk and write about everything… down to the most intimate thing.
But not about this. Here it comes:
It doesn’t matter how long you live.
Nor what you die of.
The ONLY thing that matters in life, is that you wake up, find your passion, and work it as if your life is depending on it.
Because it is.
If I had it my way, there would be government funded check-ins if you’re on track with living a life on purpose.
But routine pap smears, prostate checks, breast cancer checks would be discouraged.
I can see there would be families where hereditary illness would make it more urgent to do a screening. Or at least where the worry about getting your hereditary disease is already omnipresent, and where screening could bring some relief.
But in most cases we’re talking about, and “they” are offering screening to, perfectly healthy people. Or at least they’re blissfully unaware they’re ill, which to me is basically the same thing. And now they are suddenly pressed into thinking they’re running some kind of risk.
That they might…
Perhaps.
And if they’re early, then they could do something about it.
And in a flash! The HOLY MOTHER OF FUCKING CHRIST FLASH BEFORE MY EYES – I realized why I am so against this.
Why I find it an outrage screening is allowed and even government funded;
Because I believe it is destroying lives.
No.
Let me fucking rephrase it.
Because I KNOW it is destroying lives.
And the reason I know government funded “education” about the health risks is destroying lives, is because my life was destroyed.
They leaped at me and sunk their teeth into me when I was still a girl, and shook me until three years later I didn’t move anymore.
I played dead for 17 years and sneaked out when I was already thirty-four. No one thought I would get up and they were no longer actively holding me down.
Not with aids. Not with hiv cautionary tales.
I got out.
And before they found something in my pap smears. Thank God for that.
But I m never going to give them anything, ever again. Least of all my trust.
The entire medical world, and everybody related to it, cannot be trusted. And not just when there is sexual morale involved, it’s much broader than that.
The reason I think everybody should find their passion and stop listening to health warnings is because I knew from experience doctors, parents, and educators, cannot be trusted with fear of death.
They’re all stunningly incapable of making risk assessments, the pros, the life, the lust, the passion versus the cons in the form of risks.
And they don’t have to.
Because we, their patients, children or citizens of their nation, are more than happy to turn our lives in, in order to be safe.
Well go ahead.
Do it.
Let yourself be turned inside and out, and be checked for cancer. They will literally cut little pieces out of you.
And then bigger ones.
They will remove entire parts, physically or mentally as was the case with me.
But the strategy is always the same:
They will convince you that it’s better to live without your current habits, your organs, your infected bits – than it is to die.
I can see the pattern, and call them out on their bullshit because they successfully immobilized me for seventeen years.
Don’t get me wrong, I m very happy with the excellent medication that’s currently available for hiv.
That’s great work.
And I do use condoms, and also take an std test when I switch partners to protect the next person that I m with.
So I’m not saying that the medical world has not brought me anything. They have contributed to making the risks manageable even for someone as phobic as me.
So good work was done, eventually.
But in my case it came at the price of two decades of mental abuse disguised as concern for my health.
Freddie died in 1991, but he lived sexually free.
I didn’t live until 2006, when I slowly began the work of restoring my sexuality.
The reason I kept coming back to Bohemian Rhapsody, was because Freddie’s disease was what they had used to frighten me with, to manipulate me.
And now it was Freddie who showed me that I was right. Fear of death was indeed no basis for a life well lived.
The only thing that matters is how you live and then you can be anything you want to be.
Even Freddie fucking Mercury.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

Causing a commotion is the thirty-first chapter from Project M. 

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BOOK SHOP
Gives a 25% discount on all prices
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

spotlight on:
Het Boek Benjamin
verzameld werk Engels en Nederlands
2006-2016

Een meisje vrijt met een jongen en een homoseksuele man. Naast het overweldigende verlangen, is ze zich hyperbewust van de risico’s. Zal haar lust het winnen van de angst?
Zo opent het magnum opus van LS Harteveld.
Na de coming of age novelle Mango, duik je in het dagboek van een yoga docent. En hier blijken de fictieve karakters uit Mango bestaande personen.
Benjamin keert zelfs boek na boek weer terug. Maar wat is de waarheid?
En wie is Benjamin?
Het laatste boek gaat over haar affaire met een getrouwde man die ze Mr. Big noemt.
Waardoor de vraag rijst; Is hij Benjamin?
Heeft LS Harteveld haar muze in bescherming genomen en zijn identiteit veranderd? Of heeft ze een nieuwe liefde gevonden? Een vrouw leunt over een tafel. Ze is naakt, op haar blinddoek na.
Haar minnaar rekt haar grenzen op tot het uiterste van wat nog passend is, in dit spel der geesten. Misschien gaat hij eroverheen, dat blijft in het midden. Maar 25 jaar na de eerste scene, is één ding duidelijk;
de lust heeft gewonnen.

Levering in Nederland

De goedkoopste manier om mijn werk te kopen is via de uitgeverij – 
In verband met problemen met de pakjesdiensten én mijn eigen postbus,
kan ik helaas geen boeken meer opsturen.

Maar ik heb ze nog wel.
Je kunt hier beneden de beschrijvingen lezen of mijn boeken
bekijken via de webwinkel en daarna bestellen via mail:
onder mijn eigen naam

Suzanne s_beenackers@hotmail.com
Betaling is vooraf via mijn privérekening, en overdracht op het station van Nijmegen.
Signeren gratis uiteraard!

Minimale bestelling € 10
Als je een bon wilt, moet je via de uitgeverij bestellen, en niet via mij.

Hieronder het oeuvre en de prijzen.
alle boeken zijn handzaam A5, behalve Het Boek Benjamin, dat is groot studieboek formaat (soft cover) dat je open moet leggen.

Het Boek Benjamin €45
Verzameld werk boek 1 t/m 8
Beschrijving boven, losse boeken beneden. 

1. Mango, een novelle  €15
Seksuele safari, van de jaren 80 tot de zero’s.
Een stoer, technisch meisje groeit op met alleen een moeder, in de roerige jaren 80. Roken is nog van alle leeftijden, drinken idem, en seks ook zolang je bestand bent tegen voorlichtingsfolders over aids waarbij het woord AIDS in bloedspatten is geschreven.

Dat blijkt helaas teveel van ‘t goede.
Vermengd met een verleden in Afrika, en een overleden vader, ontwikkelt deze arrogante tiener een angststoornis waar geen psycholoog haar bij kan helpen. Maar ze blijft aangetrokken tot mooie jongens en homoseksuele mannen.

2. Dutch American Diary (2008-2009) €15
Yoga teacher Lauren is in love with two men; One cunning wizard and one half her age.
 The affair was secret so Lauren called him; He Who Must Not Be Named. After the dark wizard in the Harry Potter series. She tried to get over this American but after a year she only has her mistakes to show for. Including dating an Israeli spy and a Buddhist photographer.

Now her wizard obsession is back full throttle and the next disaster has already emerged;  an attractive yoga student. Young enough to be her son.
Faced with nothing but diabolic choices, Lauren confides in her best friend; the warm and friendly Lara. Despite having the same nationality as He Who Must Not Be Named, and working at the same office coven, Lara seems to lack his foul nature.
Or does she?
Once you’ve read Dutch American Diary? You’ll never ever in your life make the mistake of messing with a yoga teacher. 
~Dutch American Diary part 1

3. 22 Erotische Verhalen €15
Literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin en Isabel Allende.
Ze komen en gaan; de kleurrijke personages in deze dromerige erotische wereld, waar ze je één verhaal lang deelgenoot maken van hun diepste verlangen en hun ergste pijn. Die vaker wel dan niet op magische wijze met elkaar verbonden blijken.

Grenzen worden genegeerd, lusten gebotvierd, wonden geheeld.
Sinds Anais Nin heeft geen schrijver zo onbevreesd het grijze gebied durven te betreden tussen het verbodene, het gruwelijke en het goddelijke. De lezer krijgt naast onversneden liefde en zinderende ontknopingen, ook een spiegel voorgehouden die je laat zien wat er zich afspeelt in de donkerste delen van je ziel. 

 4. LS Diary (2012-2013) €10
About three dark men and Lauren getting naked on stage. Not necessarily together.
 Being dark, smart, and handsome, a Dutch writer bears the characteristics Lauren only knows  too well. He looks exactly like her male muse and unwanted protagonist in the majority of her writing.

A published writer and sought-after talk show guest, the Dutch writer has succeeded where blogger Lauren is failing year after year. After year. She feels the weight of her unpublished manuscripts, and her failed attempts to become a writer. To make matters worse she already has one ill-natured stalker. As if the liabilities of being famous have preceded its benefits.
Lauren gets her shit together prioritizing her work, ignoring men, sex and stalkers. But will it work?  Star struck Lauren meets the celebrity in real life, and soon enough her supposedly highly efficient sex-free life includes a naked guest appearance on stage, a blow-job in a parking garage and a seven month relationship.
~LS Diary can be read as standalone or as Dutch American Diary part 2

5. De Candystop (2013) €10
Waar de Nederlandse literatuur tot stilstand komt door een Marokkaanse lekkernij.
Getergd door een rits onduidelijke medische klachten, besluit Lauren geen suiker meer te eten, geen Chardonnay meer te nemen, en geen latte macchiato’s meer te drinken.

Na een paar weken is ze zo apathisch dat ze zelfs vergeet te masturberen.
Tot een jonge Marokkaanse god op tv verschijnt die tegen Lauren zegt;
“LauRRRen! WakkeRRR woRRRden! Ik ben ook schRRRijveRRR en ik heb ook een leuk leven!”
Dat is zo. Sam doet de vier s’en. Hij schrijft, hij sport, hij sekst en hij slaapt.
Ineens weet Lauren nog steeds niet waar het naartoe moet met haar leven, maar ze is wel klaarwakker. Zeker als ze erachter komt, dat Sam binnen een week een optreden geeft bij haar om de hoek.
Sam doet haar denken aan een verboden relatie met haar leerling, iets waar ze gemengde gevoelens over heeft. Sam wil die best met haar onderzoeken, maar hij vraag een prijs…

6. Bedtime Stories (2014) €15
Facing her demons and her muse, Lauren’s sexual history gets its worthy finale.
Lauren is corresponding with Elliot, but somewhere between The Netherlands and Vegas, things have stranded. To get their project back on track Lauren resorts to strong measures: making the whole damn thing public.

Sharing eight months of her life, Lauren’s third diary reintroduces all popular characters, such as writer Rafael and his legendary mythical counterpart Benjamin. Young writer Sam and his ghost twin Valentino.
Closing the Dutch American Diary trilogy, the 1991 story lines are finally tied together. With an extremely satisfying ending. Although not in a way anyone saw coming.
 ~LS Diary can be read as standalone or as Dutch American Diary part 3

7. Mirage (2014) €5
Giving you a little dessert, with all gorgeous writers from previous books.
Lauren, the former hedonistic cougar, is home bound, mothering her little ones, sick with worry and about to get dumped by her lover. Together with autumn setting in, Lauren needs her annual Cute Writer Fix more than ever. And this year there’s five of them.
Including a lunch date with the most famous author of the Netherlands; her youth love Henry.
~Mirage can be read as standalone or as the epilogue to the Dutch American Diary trilogy.

8. Big, diaries & erotica (2015-2016)  €20
The crown to Lauren’s life; a secret affair with her Biggie.
Ten years and ten lovers have taught Lauren two things.

One: single life is a disaster.
And two: men suck at anal sex.
So when Mr.Big comes along and succeeds where all the others have failed, Lauren is euphoric. She immediately picks up her pen to write about it, and her first story is indeed called “The Biggie”, about his flawless performance.  
For two years Lauren documents her secret affair with the married business man. She writes about their explosive encounters, her unwavering love, and her powerful insights. Gradually, Lauren changes. From an scarred single, to a woman totally owning her worth and her true nature. Ten years after ending her relationship in order to explore love and sex in all their forms, Lauren Harteveld becomes the ultimate mistress.

los verkrijgbaar, niet in Het Boek Benjamin:

Witte Tijgerin €5
Gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie.
Een Witte Tijgerin is een alleenstaande, onafhankelijke vrouw. Haar contact met mannen is erop gericht dat ze er energie van krijgt. Stel je voor! Nooit meer gehannes met beginnende relaties die het toch nét niet zijn. Nooit meer die morning-after backlash. Geïnspireerd op het klassieke Taoïstische werk De Witte Tijgerin van Hsi Lai, onthult deze gids;
– hoe je de touwtjes in handen houdt
– hoe je je liefdesleven gebruikt voor je plezier
– hoe je met seks je jeugdigheid herstelt.
Hij zal niet kunnen wachten om weer met je af te spreken! 

 

Where’s the party

It’s been weeks since Lauren has written, had sex, or has shown any other signs of being alive.

There was something comforting, in having saved that previous post about sex with my lover Mr.Big.
Soothing to read about what were probably the last days of summer, and I had picked a place in the shade on the terrace where I awaited him.
It gave a sense of normality and belonging, to read that I still had sex, just a few weeks ago. And when he had been there, with me.
Before he retreated to the familiar occasional text.
I couldn’t remember Mr.Big actually closing himself off, in the way my first lover had. Which was already a decade ago.
But I did always worry, that we weren’t an item anymore.
It was almost a pleasant worry though. A sensation the way children scare themselves thinking there’s something under the bed.
If he put me in low-maintenance mode, I would still get a text every two or three weeks.
A photo of something that reminded him of me.
Or a little joke.
It was a cute, but never an intimate message. Nor did he reveal something about himself or where he was in life. It was more a message you would send a friend, or maybe a casual date.
Not a mistress.
And I liked that.
Sometimes there was a follow up a few days later, where he’d ask me if I had time.
But usually it was just that little message; A reminder that he was still there and that he had not forgotten me.
And those were the messages I was currently on.
But this time, it was hitting me harder.
Maybe I was feeling a little more lonely, because of fall setting in. Or maybe because the other man I was in love with, Christopher, seemed to have moved out of my life for good.
After exciting developments which had actually kept me from writing, or at least in a too-close-to-home diary style, this second man I was in love with – and source of fantasy, sexual arousal, and even a reason to look after myself –  was gone.
The choice for his wife, which initially seemed to have wavered, was solid this time.
With Christopher out, it made Mr.Big’s casual manners with regard to our affair, more painful and less pleasurable.
Strangely enough, I had the feeling the unexpected departure of stay-over cat M. also had something to do with me feeling so asexual.
She had been picked up by my friends because the renovation from the housing corporation had unexpectedly started two months earlier.
Cutting our feline sleep-over arrangement short by one of even two months.
There was still no promise that I could keep her, because that would have been discussed at the end of the trial period.
Not at the end of a hasty leave.
I had given my friends my decision that I would love to have M. I was so attached to her. But they had not answered yet.
So because of this uncertainty of having her back, I didn’t know if her leave was permanent; Or if I was merely facing a few months without her.
And they would let me adopt her after the renovation.
Having a cat, and preferably cat M., seemed to be at the root of me feeling loved, stable, and ready to take on the world. Living without a cat, I felt naked.
And not in a sexy way.
In fact I felt completely asexual, ever since she had left.
Unstable.
And grateful that at least I had kept the notes that reminded me of better times.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

Where’s the party is the thirtieth chapter from Project M. 

Want to know if I can bring sexy back?
The subscribe button is somewhere on the right.

or follow Twitter ; or Facebook
NEW connect on Linkedin

BOOK SHOP
Gives a 25% discount on all prices
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

spotlight on:
Het Boek Benjamin
verzameld werk Engels en Nederlands
2006-2016

Een meisje vrijt met een jongen en een homoseksuele man. Naast het overweldigende verlangen, is ze zich hyperbewust van de risico’s. Zal haar lust het winnen van de angst?
Zo opent het magnum opus van LS Harteveld.
Na de coming of age novelle Mango, duik je in het dagboek van een yoga docent. En hier blijken de fictieve karakters uit Mango bestaande personen.
Benjamin keert zelfs boek na boek weer terug. Maar wat is de waarheid?
En wie is Benjamin?
Het laatste boek gaat over haar affaire met een getrouwde man die ze Mr. Big noemt.
Waardoor de vraag rijst; Is hij Benjamin?
Heeft LS Harteveld haar muze in bescherming genomen en zijn identiteit veranderd? Of heeft ze een nieuwe liefde gevonden? Een vrouw leunt over een tafel. Ze is naakt, op haar blinddoek na.
Haar minnaar rekt haar grenzen op tot het uiterste van wat nog passend is, in dit spel der geesten. Misschien gaat hij eroverheen, dat blijft in het midden. Maar 25 jaar na de eerste scene, is één ding duidelijk;
de lust heeft gewonnen.

Levering in Nederland

De goedkoopste manier om mijn werk te kopen is via de uitgeverij – 
In verband met problemen met de pakjesdiensten én mijn eigen postbus,
kan ik helaas geen boeken meer opsturen.

Maar ik heb ze nog wel.
Je kunt hier beneden de beschrijvingen lezen of mijn boeken
bekijken via de webwinkel en daarna bestellen via mail:
onder mijn eigen naam

Suzanne s_beenackers@hotmail.com
Betaling is vooraf via mijn privérekening, en overdracht op het station van Nijmegen.
Signeren gratis uiteraard!

Minimale bestelling € 10
Als je een bon wilt, moet je via de uitgeverij bestellen, en niet via mij.

Hieronder het oeuvre en de prijzen.
alle boeken zijn handzaam A5, behalve Het Boek Benjamin, dat is groot studieboek formaat (soft cover) dat je open moet leggen.

Het Boek Benjamin €45
Verzameld werk boek 1 t/m 8
Beschrijving boven, losse boeken beneden. 

1. Mango, een novelle  €15
Seksuele safari, van de jaren 80 tot de zero’s.
Een stoer, technisch meisje groeit op met alleen een moeder, in de roerige jaren 80. Roken is nog van alle leeftijden, drinken idem, en seks ook zolang je bestand bent tegen voorlichtingsfolders over aids waarbij het woord AIDS in bloedspatten is geschreven.

Dat blijkt helaas teveel van ‘t goede.
Vermengd met een verleden in Afrika, en een overleden vader, ontwikkelt deze arrogante tiener een angststoornis waar geen psycholoog haar bij kan helpen. Maar ze blijft aangetrokken tot mooie jongens en homoseksuele mannen.

2. Dutch American Diary (2008-2009) €15
Yoga teacher Lauren is in love with two men; One cunning wizard and one half her age.
 The affair was secret so Lauren called him; He Who Must Not Be Named. After the dark wizard in the Harry Potter series. She tried to get over this American but after a year she only has her mistakes to show for. Including dating an Israeli spy and a Buddhist photographer.

Now her wizard obsession is back full throttle and the next disaster has already emerged;  an attractive yoga student. Young enough to be her son.
Faced with nothing but diabolic choices, Lauren confides in her best friend; the warm and friendly Lara. Despite having the same nationality as He Who Must Not Be Named, and working at the same office coven, Lara seems to lack his foul nature.
Or does she?
Once you’ve read Dutch American Diary? You’ll never ever in your life make the mistake of messing with a yoga teacher. 
~Dutch American Diary part 1

3. 22 Erotische Verhalen €15
Literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin en Isabel Allende.
Ze komen en gaan; de kleurrijke personages in deze dromerige erotische wereld, waar ze je één verhaal lang deelgenoot maken van hun diepste verlangen en hun ergste pijn. Die vaker wel dan niet op magische wijze met elkaar verbonden blijken.

Grenzen worden genegeerd, lusten gebotvierd, wonden geheeld.
Sinds Anais Nin heeft geen schrijver zo onbevreesd het grijze gebied durven te betreden tussen het verbodene, het gruwelijke en het goddelijke. De lezer krijgt naast onversneden liefde en zinderende ontknopingen, ook een spiegel voorgehouden die je laat zien wat er zich afspeelt in de donkerste delen van je ziel. 

 4. LS Diary (2012-2013) €10
About three dark men and Lauren getting naked on stage. Not necessarily together.
 Being dark, smart, and handsome, a Dutch writer bears the characteristics Lauren only knows  too well. He looks exactly like her male muse and unwanted protagonist in the majority of her writing.

A published writer and sought-after talk show guest, the Dutch writer has succeeded where blogger Lauren is failing year after year. After year. She feels the weight of her unpublished manuscripts, and her failed attempts to become a writer. To make matters worse she already has one ill-natured stalker. As if the liabilities of being famous have preceded its benefits.
Lauren gets her shit together prioritizing her work, ignoring men, sex and stalkers. But will it work?  Star struck Lauren meets the celebrity in real life, and soon enough her supposedly highly efficient sex-free life includes a naked guest appearance on stage, a blow-job in a parking garage and a seven month relationship.
~LS Diary can be read as standalone or as Dutch American Diary part 2

5. De Candystop (2013) €10
Waar de Nederlandse literatuur tot stilstand komt door een Marokkaanse lekkernij.
Getergd door een rits onduidelijke medische klachten, besluit Lauren geen suiker meer te eten, geen Chardonnay meer te nemen, en geen latte macchiato’s meer te drinken.

Na een paar weken is ze zo apathisch dat ze zelfs vergeet te masturberen.
Tot een jonge Marokkaanse god op tv verschijnt die tegen Lauren zegt;
“LauRRRen! WakkeRRR woRRRden! Ik ben ook schRRRijveRRR en ik heb ook een leuk leven!”
Dat is zo. Sam doet de vier s’en. Hij schrijft, hij sport, hij sekst en hij slaapt.
Ineens weet Lauren nog steeds niet waar het naartoe moet met haar leven, maar ze is wel klaarwakker. Zeker als ze erachter komt, dat Sam binnen een week een optreden geeft bij haar om de hoek.
Sam doet haar denken aan een verboden relatie met haar leerling, iets waar ze gemengde gevoelens over heeft. Sam wil die best met haar onderzoeken, maar hij vraag een prijs…

6. Bedtime Stories (2014) €15
Facing her demons and her muse, Lauren’s sexual history gets its worthy finale.
Lauren is corresponding with Elliot, but somewhere between The Netherlands and Vegas, things have stranded. To get their project back on track Lauren resorts to strong measures: making the whole damn thing public.

Sharing eight months of her life, Lauren’s third diary reintroduces all popular characters, such as writer Rafael and his legendary mythical counterpart Benjamin. Young writer Sam and his ghost twin Valentino.
Closing the Dutch American Diary trilogy, the 1991 story lines are finally tied together. With an extremely satisfying ending. Although not in a way anyone saw coming.
 ~LS Diary can be read as standalone or as Dutch American Diary part 3

7. Mirage (2014) €5
Giving you a little dessert, with all gorgeous writers from previous books.
Lauren, the former hedonistic cougar, is home bound, mothering her little ones, sick with worry and about to get dumped by her lover. Together with autumn setting in, Lauren needs her annual Cute Writer Fix more than ever. And this year there’s five of them.
Including a lunch date with the most famous author of the Netherlands; her youth love Henry.
~Mirage can be read as standalone or as the epilogue to the Dutch American Diary trilogy.

8. Big, diaries & erotica (2015-2016)  €20
The crown to Lauren’s life; a secret affair with her Biggie.
Ten years and ten lovers have taught Lauren two things.

One: single life is a disaster.
And two: men suck at anal sex.
So when Mr.Big comes along and succeeds where all the others have failed, Lauren is euphoric. She immediately picks up her pen to write about it, and her first story is indeed called “The Biggie”, about his flawless performance.  
For two years Lauren documents her secret affair with the married business man. She writes about their explosive encounters, her unwavering love, and her powerful insights. Gradually, Lauren changes. From an scarred single, to a woman totally owning her worth and her true nature. Ten years after ending her relationship in order to explore love and sex in all their forms, Lauren Harteveld becomes the ultimate mistress.

los verkrijgbaar, niet in Het Boek Benjamin:

Witte Tijgerin €5
Gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie.
Een Witte Tijgerin is een alleenstaande, onafhankelijke vrouw. Haar contact met mannen is erop gericht dat ze er energie van krijgt. Stel je voor! Nooit meer gehannes met beginnende relaties die het toch nét niet zijn. Nooit meer die morning-after backlash. Geïnspireerd op het klassieke Taoïstische werk De Witte Tijgerin van Hsi Lai, onthult deze gids;
– hoe je de touwtjes in handen houdt
– hoe je je liefdesleven gebruikt voor je plezier
– hoe je met seks je jeugdigheid herstelt.
Hij zal niet kunnen wachten om weer met je af te spreken! 

 

Look of Love

It’s weekend and Lauren’s finally getting lucky. 

Sunglasses and black hair which I knew held single strands of grey. But I couldn’t see that from afar.
He was wearing dark jeans and a high quality white shirt with rolled up sleeves.
I had picked a table in the shadow.
He was looking so handsome I hoped this wasn’t one of those platonic dates, which did spice things up quite a bit. To never know in advance.
When I told him this, after sex, that I was never certain if we would have sex, he said:
“I m never sure either. Sometimes you have your reasons too.”
We had only made love on my period once, which had been the first time we fucked.
It’s an ugly word in this context, but the reason I’m using it, is that we already had a date which had unexpectedly turned so hot I ended up giving a blowjob, and I think he must have fingered me.
I know we didn’t have oral on me, because I didn’t want that with a man I hardly knew.
I had come in for some kissing and cuddling!
And I also know we didn’t fuck because that was definitely a big no-no for me, on well not exactly our first date.
But I knew so little about him.
And if I had known more, it would not have convinced me having sex with this married business man in his forties was a good idea.
He was a player!
With his condo in the city, which he kept on as a real estate investment.
I never responded when people commented it was impossible for his wife not to know he was having sex with me. But I agreed on general terms:
That she knew he had other women.
Not because of the obvious things, like lipstick marks or anything.
But because of the condo.
Of course she knew he had every opportunity.
That she knew, was one of the things I liked about her.
By allowing him space, which he had claimed quite literally in the form of keeping on his bachelor apartment, he could be there for her on other moments.
But I was still intimidated by him.
By his playing not hard to get, but hard to love.
He seemed to separate love, which was home, from sex, which was presumably everybody else.
I didn’t want to fuck him at the first opportunity, for multiple reasons really. Obviously I thought I would get hurt. And that it wouldn’t hurt as bad if we hadn’t “really” had sex.
Maybe I was also afraid he’d lose interest in me if I had sex too soon.
To this day I don’t know if my fate would have been any different if I had not been so intimidated, and had sex sooner.
Very well possible.
It wasn’t a game that I contained myself, and refrained for the most part. And I did give him a blowjob but not before he had made it safe sex friendly, after my initial refusal.
“Okay, and what if we use a condom?” he had asked.
I felt my fear and resistance melt, and looked forward to doing it, actually.
“Great!”
It was one of the many things I appreciated about him. He never took refusals personally, he just tried to figure out what was bothering you, so he could help you overcome it.
Which was of course exactly what made him so dangerous.
Anyway, after that first sexual date, the first time we were together I was on my period. The desire for each other was excruciating by now and to make the decision to fuck even more of a no brainer,
I also had a cold and couldn’t breathe through my nose.
So “only” giving him a blowjob was out of the question, this time.

I was heavily on my period, yet this was going to be The Day.
I had liked the drama of it. All the blood on our first time.
And it had been a great success. His cock and my pussy had been magnetic, that’s how flawless it was. 
We used condoms of course, we still do. But his hard-on had been blood and interruption resistant, and it had been pulled to my pussy like magic.
It just slid right in..

But despite the promising start, I had declined sex ever since, if I was in my period.
At the time, he and his wife were either separated temporarily or wouldn’t see each other for a couple of days.
I can’t remember the details.
And we had been at my house.

So it wasn’t just the excitement of having sex for the first time, which explained why we had had period sex then, but not after.
We usually didn’t have time nor opportunity, for messy encounters. Staining sheets and towels. Or even clothes.
We always made sure he stayed fresh and clean. I didn’t even wear makeup or perfume when I saw him.
So my lover was right.
He too, could never be certain that we would have sex.
I could be the one saying No.
And then if we were having sex? Then there was the thing about anal sex. Which was hardy ever ideal, really. I don’t like cleaning the inside out with water, like an anal douche. I have no idea if you know that exists, but it exists.
It gives me diarrhea.
I ve seen quite a few promising occasions fall to pieces that way, I can say.

So we re dependent on what nature gives us.
But sometimes I do want it, but I’m not sure if it’s a good day. 
And then I get into this strange conversation where I do try to warn him, but without scaring him off.
And then he’ll say, just to check: 
“But you do want it?”
God yes.
That’s the key to anal sex, to me. That he assures me we’ll be alright. Don’t panic.
We did go to his condo, ultimately. And we did have one of those days where we took anal sex as far as I dared to go. 
Which ultimately, left me so hungry for more.
We had sex multiple times, it really wasn’t a quickie.
We even had a nap. Or he did. I lay in his arms and soaked up his presence. The warmth of his embrace, the breath in my hair. The sweet words and the comforting murmuring he uttered, if we shifted a bit.
I looked around, and tried to remember everything about that moment.
The red room.

The first dates had been in the living and I had inquired if “that” was his bedroom, behind that door, and he had said yes.
“But you’re only allowed to go in there if you’re completely naked.”
And that’s how it had happened.
It wasn’t until later that I realized how many women had been here when he had been a bachelor. And still..
It aroused me to think I wasn’t the only one, but it also scared me.

That’s when the condo, but especially the bedroom started to intimidate me. As if I didn’t belong there.
With my open heart, my nerves. Not even with my horniness, my desire to give up control completely.
I didn’t feel I could play at that level of whatever it was the games were played there.
Like I was a little bunny in the lair of the lion.
And yet I was aware that I was the one there, lying in the arms of this charismatic man, in the bedroom with the red walls and the high ceiling.
And I had been here for over three and a half years.
Feeling completely safe and loved.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

Look of Love is the twenty-ninth chapter from Project M. 

Want to know what happens next?
The subscribe button is somewhere on the right.

or follow Twitter ; or Facebook
NEW connect on Linkedin

BOOK SHOP
Gives a 25% discount on all prices
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

spotlight on:
Het Boek Benjamin
verzameld werk Engels en Nederlands
2006-2016

Een meisje vrijt met een jongen en een homoseksuele man. Naast het overweldigende verlangen, is ze zich hyperbewust van de risico’s. Zal haar lust het winnen van de angst?
Zo opent het magnum opus van LS Harteveld.
Na de coming of age novelle Mango, duik je in het dagboek van een yoga docent. En hier blijken de fictieve karakters uit Mango bestaande personen.
Benjamin keert zelfs boek na boek weer terug. Maar wat is de waarheid?
En wie is Benjamin?
Het laatste boek gaat over haar affaire met een getrouwde man die ze Mr. Big noemt.
Waardoor de vraag rijst; Is hij Benjamin?
Heeft LS Harteveld haar muze in bescherming genomen en zijn identiteit veranderd? Of heeft ze een nieuwe liefde gevonden? Een vrouw leunt over een tafel. Ze is naakt, op haar blinddoek na.
Haar minnaar rekt haar grenzen op tot het uiterste van wat nog passend is, in dit spel der geesten. Misschien gaat hij eroverheen, dat blijft in het midden. Maar 25 jaar na de eerste scene, is één ding duidelijk;
de lust heeft gewonnen.

Levering in Nederland

De goedkoopste manier om mijn werk te kopen is via de uitgeverij – 
In verband met problemen met de pakjesdiensten én mijn eigen postbus,
kan ik helaas geen boeken meer opsturen.

Maar ik heb ze nog wel.
Je kunt hier beneden de beschrijvingen lezen of mijn boeken
bekijken via de webwinkel en daarna bestellen via mail:
onder mijn eigen naam

Suzanne s_beenackers@hotmail.com
Betaling is vooraf via mijn privérekening, en overdracht op het station van Nijmegen.
Signeren gratis uiteraard!

Minimale bestelling € 10
Als je een bon wilt, moet je via de uitgeverij bestellen, en niet via mij.

Hieronder het oeuvre en de prijzen.
alle boeken zijn handzaam A5, behalve Het Boek Benjamin, dat is groot studieboek formaat (soft cover) dat je open moet leggen.

Het Boek Benjamin €45
Verzameld werk boek 1 t/m 8
Beschrijving boven, losse boeken beneden. 

1. Mango, een novelle  €15
Seksuele safari, van de jaren 80 tot de zero’s.
Een stoer, technisch meisje groeit op met alleen een moeder, in de roerige jaren 80. Roken is nog van alle leeftijden, drinken idem, en seks ook zolang je bestand bent tegen voorlichtingsfolders over aids waarbij het woord AIDS in bloedspatten is geschreven.

Dat blijkt helaas teveel van ‘t goede.
Vermengd met een verleden in Afrika, en een overleden vader, ontwikkelt deze arrogante tiener een angststoornis waar geen psycholoog haar bij kan helpen. Maar ze blijft aangetrokken tot mooie jongens en homoseksuele mannen.

2. Dutch American Diary (2008-2009) €15
Yoga teacher Lauren is in love with two men; One cunning wizard and one half her age.
 The affair was secret so Lauren called him; He Who Must Not Be Named. After the dark wizard in the Harry Potter series. She tried to get over this American but after a year she only has her mistakes to show for. Including dating an Israeli spy and a Buddhist photographer.

Now her wizard obsession is back full throttle and the next disaster has already emerged;  an attractive yoga student. Young enough to be her son.
Faced with nothing but diabolic choices, Lauren confides in her best friend; the warm and friendly Lara. Despite having the same nationality as He Who Must Not Be Named, and working at the same office coven, Lara seems to lack his foul nature.
Or does she?
Once you’ve read Dutch American Diary? You’ll never ever in your life make the mistake of messing with a yoga teacher. 
~Dutch American Diary part 1

3. 22 Erotische Verhalen €15
Literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin en Isabel Allende.
Ze komen en gaan; de kleurrijke personages in deze dromerige erotische wereld, waar ze je één verhaal lang deelgenoot maken van hun diepste verlangen en hun ergste pijn. Die vaker wel dan niet op magische wijze met elkaar verbonden blijken.

Grenzen worden genegeerd, lusten gebotvierd, wonden geheeld.
Sinds Anais Nin heeft geen schrijver zo onbevreesd het grijze gebied durven te betreden tussen het verbodene, het gruwelijke en het goddelijke. De lezer krijgt naast onversneden liefde en zinderende ontknopingen, ook een spiegel voorgehouden die je laat zien wat er zich afspeelt in de donkerste delen van je ziel. 

 4. LS Diary (2012-2013) €10
About three dark men and Lauren getting naked on stage. Not necessarily together.
 Being dark, smart, and handsome, a Dutch writer bears the characteristics Lauren only knows  too well. He looks exactly like her male muse and unwanted protagonist in the majority of her writing.

A published writer and sought-after talk show guest, the Dutch writer has succeeded where blogger Lauren is failing year after year. After year. She feels the weight of her unpublished manuscripts, and her failed attempts to become a writer. To make matters worse she already has one ill-natured stalker. As if the liabilities of being famous have preceded its benefits.
Lauren gets her shit together prioritizing her work, ignoring men, sex and stalkers. But will it work?  Star struck Lauren meets the celebrity in real life, and soon enough her supposedly highly efficient sex-free life includes a naked guest appearance on stage, a blow-job in a parking garage and a seven month relationship.
~LS Diary can be read as standalone or as Dutch American Diary part 2

5. De Candystop (2013) €10
Waar de Nederlandse literatuur tot stilstand komt door een Marokkaanse lekkernij.
Getergd door een rits onduidelijke medische klachten, besluit Lauren geen suiker meer te eten, geen Chardonnay meer te nemen, en geen latte macchiato’s meer te drinken.

Na een paar weken is ze zo apathisch dat ze zelfs vergeet te masturberen.
Tot een jonge Marokkaanse god op tv verschijnt die tegen Lauren zegt;
“LauRRRen! WakkeRRR woRRRden! Ik ben ook schRRRijveRRR en ik heb ook een leuk leven!”
Dat is zo. Sam doet de vier s’en. Hij schrijft, hij sport, hij sekst en hij slaapt.
Ineens weet Lauren nog steeds niet waar het naartoe moet met haar leven, maar ze is wel klaarwakker. Zeker als ze erachter komt, dat Sam binnen een week een optreden geeft bij haar om de hoek.
Sam doet haar denken aan een verboden relatie met haar leerling, iets waar ze gemengde gevoelens over heeft. Sam wil die best met haar onderzoeken, maar hij vraag een prijs…

6. Bedtime Stories (2014) €15
Facing her demons and her muse, Lauren’s sexual history gets its worthy finale.
Lauren is corresponding with Elliot, but somewhere between The Netherlands and Vegas, things have stranded. To get their project back on track Lauren resorts to strong measures: making the whole damn thing public.

Sharing eight months of her life, Lauren’s third diary reintroduces all popular characters, such as writer Rafael and his legendary mythical counterpart Benjamin. Young writer Sam and his ghost twin Valentino.
Closing the Dutch American Diary trilogy, the 1991 story lines are finally tied together. With an extremely satisfying ending. Although not in a way anyone saw coming.
 ~LS Diary can be read as standalone or as Dutch American Diary part 3

7. Mirage (2014) €5
Giving you a little dessert, with all gorgeous writers from previous books.
Lauren, the former hedonistic cougar, is home bound, mothering her little ones, sick with worry and about to get dumped by her lover. Together with autumn setting in, Lauren needs her annual Cute Writer Fix more than ever. And this year there’s five of them.
Including a lunch date with the most famous author of the Netherlands; her youth love Henry.
~Mirage can be read as standalone or as the epilogue to the Dutch American Diary trilogy.

8. Big, diaries & erotica (2015-2016)  €20
The crown to Lauren’s life; a secret affair with her Biggie.
Ten years and ten lovers have taught Lauren two things.

One: single life is a disaster.
And two: men suck at anal sex.
So when Mr.Big comes along and succeeds where all the others have failed, Lauren is euphoric. She immediately picks up her pen to write about it, and her first story is indeed called “The Biggie”, about his flawless performance.  
For two years Lauren documents her secret affair with the married business man. She writes about their explosive encounters, her unwavering love, and her powerful insights. Gradually, Lauren changes. From an scarred single, to a woman totally owning her worth and her true nature. Ten years after ending her relationship in order to explore love and sex in all their forms, Lauren Harteveld becomes the ultimate mistress.

los verkrijgbaar, niet in Het Boek Benjamin:

Witte Tijgerin €5
Gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie.
Een Witte Tijgerin is een alleenstaande, onafhankelijke vrouw. Haar contact met mannen is erop gericht dat ze er energie van krijgt. Stel je voor! Nooit meer gehannes met beginnende relaties die het toch nét niet zijn. Nooit meer die morning-after backlash. Geïnspireerd op het klassieke Taoïstische werk De Witte Tijgerin van Hsi Lai, onthult deze gids;
– hoe je de touwtjes in handen houdt
– hoe je je liefdesleven gebruikt voor je plezier
– hoe je met seks je jeugdigheid herstelt.
Hij zal niet kunnen wachten om weer met je af te spreken!