Sexual Innuendo | “1994” series

I finally cracked the code why the sexual tension keeps on building between the Slash-like painter I’m in love with, and me.
When we both seem very determined not to throw any fuel on any fire.
Want to guess?
Here’s what I wrote about the last time I saw him:
A Warm Safe Place | “1994” series

It was all extremely respectable.
So then why can’t I stop thinking about him?
Why do I keep having the feeling him raising his hand wishing me a happy new year and good luck with the cats, is not going to be the last time we see each other?

And even more so, that the tension not just keeps on building despite both of us not acting on it;
But because of it.
Our “distant” dynamics are like buckets of gasoline thrown straight onto the fire.
But why? Now I know why.
And I also know what either one of us would have to do to break the spell;
And that neither one of us, is going to do that!
But before I get into that, I want to first explain why things have gotten so heated.
.
Okay. So for starters, even though Slash and me seem to be behaving identically, we are both playing a different role. It only looks as if we re both distant, formal even.
But underneath the surface, our roles are different from each other…
Very, different.
When Slash holds his distance, sidelines me by letting me know he s married, tries to hook me up with his colleague even, he does it from a position of taking the lead.
His actions say: “I have no room for you in my life.”
He keeps it clear that our chance encounter when he painted my balcony was a one-off thing. The click between us might have taken him by surprise at the time, but that he s going to leave it at that.When he avoids physical contact and proximity for example by choosing to sit at the table instead of next to me on the couch, he s saying:
“I like you, but I m not going to act on this. And I want to be clear on that.”

However, that is not what my distance means.
My distance means:
I respect you.
I will never initiate.
You decide.
You don t owe me an explanation.

His distance communicates he s not available. But inadvertently (or intentionally?) makes him dominant.
My distance communicates I respect his choices, but also that I comply to his wishes.
It makes me submissive.

No wonder his rejection and my cooperative understanding have turned into a highly volatile situation.
He s taking the lead and I m complying.
It s like mini-sex.

Having said that, it is now blatantly obvious how either one of us can break the spell effectively: By breaking pattern.
The moment I try to seduce him or take initiative either sexually but especially verbally, by speaking to him about my feelings;
The spell is broken.
And vice versa the moment he puts me in the lead, for example by claiming to be overwhelmed by his feelings for me, or complaining he does not know what to do:
The magic is gone.

The reason I think neither one of us will let the magic die out by talking about it, is because we are both fascinated by it.
Even if we don t act on it.
Maybe especially then.

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living..

Subscribe to 1994 

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Sexual Innuendo | “1994” 
is the third chapter of
1994 part 2: A new life

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25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
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with the flag in the upper right corner.

coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2019
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit (Dutch)

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

A Warm Safe Place | “1994” series

This may be the best January 1st in the history of my entire 22 year old existence.
And I am not sure why, because I am in an impossible position.
This is not one of those happily ever after stories because even if I would end up happy, others would not.

Technically, I could see how everybody could live happily ever after.
But since even Bear has set himself up for a life of monogamy and normalcy, I have given up on the idea that men can love multiple women, without blowing it with one of them. Or both of them.

It’s not that I cannot see how a marriage does not have to blow up if your Slash-like husband has fallen in love with a rock chick whose balcony he painted this summer:
It’s just that it’s not the most likely scenario.
And a hurt, angry wife, a divorce and children caught in the middle, is.
Yet I seem unbothered by this horror scenario.
Probably because I m still under the spell. His spell. Rationally I can see this is going to be a mess but emotionally I m in way over my head.
Because I encountered the Slash-like painter on the last day of 1994 with a bag of oliebollen (a Dutch treat for New Year’s Eve) in our building.

He was just on his way out.
I came home from shopping for my first New Year’s Eve when I was going to be all by myself. I have my own apartment, so I no longer have housemates. And I have cats now, and didn’t want to leave them alone with all the fireworks.
Slash threw me a big smile when he saw me and said:
“I left something at your door. I hope you don’t mind.”
The company he works for were delivering cards on behalf of the real estate company, thanking us for our cooperation during this year’s renovation.
If the tenant was home they would also get a box of oliebollen, but they were not allowed to leave them at the doorstep if no one opened the door.
Yet, the painter who looked like Slash, had.
He was wearing a black leather jacket.
I had never seen it, because I usually saw him in his work-gear and the two times I had seen him at Warhol’s, he had not been wearing a coat.
He was wearing black jeans and black boots. The perfect rock star ensemble.
The only thing that revealed he was not entirely casual was a black shirt, instead of a T-shirt or a sweater.
I assumed he was already dressed for a New Year’s Eve with his family, perhaps with an extra family or friends coming over.
Luckily enough, I was also decently dressed.
Since I didn’t have anybody to dress up for, I knew that if I didn’t make a conscious decision, New Year’s Eve would end up without make-up and without beautiful clothes.
A questionable way to start the new year.
So instead of waiting until later in the day, I was already wearing my festive outfit, and wearing makeup.
I considered myself so lucky that I ran into him.
He would be the last person I saw in 1994!
And I was looking amazing and he was looking amazing and we had just bumped into each other on a day neither of us were pressed for time. He had an excuse not to be home, because technically he was working, delivering cards.
I asked him, if he wanted to come up and eat the oliebollen with me.
And to my unspeakable joy, which I hoped I kept a bit hidden, he accepted.
He carried my heavy bags up, and indeed, there was a box of oliebollen with a card on my doorstep.
Slash seemed a little embarrassed that I was going to read it, with him being present. But there was nothing to be ashamed of, really. All he had done, was put his own name on the card that had been pre-printed by the company.
He had signed it:
Happy New Year
“Slash”
And he had drawn the little bald man with the big nose and big hands, looking over a ridge. The one he had pointed out to me on the Iron Maiden album cover.
There was no phone number or anything like that. It was really respectable, and I liked seeing the card before we went up.
I interpreted it as a sweet goodbye note.
Something like: “You were not crazy. We did have a moment together and I m sorry I m married and I never told you.”
But his way of saying it was better.
Regardless of me thinking his message was neutral, he felt embarrassed for a moment. Almost as if he had not realized that if he would go up with me, it would include me seeing the card.
So we went in, he took the groceries to the kitchen and I took the box and the card. We put our coats on the hooks, and just seeing his jacket in my hallway, covering my other coats, made me so happy.
It was as if it belonged there.
Like he was already my boyfriend, when I knew very well that he was not.
We went to the kitchen, where I simultaneously made coffee, heated our oliebollen in the oven (he originally wanted only one oliebol, but I told him that equaled zero and that they always came in pairs.) and I unpacked all the groceries.
He had to move around all the time, because he was always in the way of the fridge, the cabinet, the stove. And it was all very funny.
I don’t even remember what our topic of conversation was.
But I do know that it got interrupted all the time by me saying: “I m sorry but,” or him saying: “Oh, I need to move again.”
We were both, very deliberately, not touching the other person.
We even tried to stay as far away from each other as we could.
And not just in the kitchen, in my living as well.
I sat on the couch, but he sat at the table. No kidding. He even asked: “Do you mind if I sit at the table?”
No, I don’t. I didn’t.
It was obvious that we were both sensing things. It was as if the air between us was on fire, I have never felt anything like it. And yet neither of us mentioned it, and we both did our utmost best not to add fuel to the fire.
And in a way we succeeded.
Because nothing was said, no phone numbers were exchanged. No promises were made and we just parted raising our hand in the air: “Goodbye! Have a great new year!”
“Good luck with the cats,” were his final words, before I saw him descend from the stairs.
We did well.
Yet now all I can think of is everything about him. It was as if I finally understood that I should enjoy him being there. The first weeks after our balcony day this summer, and even the times I saw him at Warhol, I forgot to notice what he looked like. I didn’t know the color of his eyes, how tall he was or how he was built.
But now I tried to absorb everything about him.
The deep brown of his eyes.
The soft childlike features of his face.
His strong hands.
The tone of his voice, it was like a warm blanket. Although he did not have a very low voice but a friendly one.
Just like his body; It wasn’t threatening in any way.
I couldn’t sense his sexuality, and I still don’t know if we would be a match. Or – let’s be honest here – if he would be a match to me.
After 5 years with Bear, I’ve gotten so used to a man being dominant and I have promised myself I never have to be dominant in bed, or even seductive.
I don’t want that.
But I do know our great sex life was because Bear was sensitive to my needs. That although I usually say it was his dominance, that I could surrender to, it wasn’t. It was his sensitivity to what it was I needed, and he understood that most of the time this meant for him to be dominant.
To push me.
To take me.
But he would always look into my eyes, and never lose connection with me. He immediately picked up if my mood had shifted. Often before I did.
I don’t know if I will ever see Slash again.
But I do know that when I felt so attracted to him, without sensing his sexuality or without knowing if he would be dominant, that it was because those things really do not matter.
That the first thing I look for, when I m in love and wonder if we’re a good match, really isn’t if someone is dominant in bed.
It’s if someone is warm and feels safe.
And he did.
.

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living..

Subscribe to 1994 

The subscription button to this blog is on this page,
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A Warm Safe Place | “1994” 
is the second chapter of
1994 part 2: A new life

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If you check your cart, you can select your store
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with the flag in the upper right corner.

Nederlandse boeken kun je ook direct bij mij bestellen

coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2019
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit (Dutch)

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

5 Years Later

5 Years ago, on New Year’s Day, I sent a similar photo to a lover;
A man with whom things were not working out and he had already started letting go.
For a long time I didn’t have a reason to push it or ask him what our status was.
But late 2014 a new man had come into my life.
Someone who was involved. At the time I had no reason to believe we would act on our interest for each other.
And I knew he was cherishing the holidays to tighten bonds with his family; Something that would continue to be a pattern, during the 5 years the man who would be known as Mr.Big, would be in my life.
December would always be our most distant month. Until ultimately, December became when it stranded.
But I didn’t know all that.
Not 5 years ago.
All I knew was that I had a lover who had been extracting himself out of my life, because we had difficulties to overcome. Practicalities, mostly. But I had really been into him.
Maybe he saw things clearer than I did. Maybe what he wanted was not possible with me. Who knows.
All I remember, with great clarity, is taking a picture on January 1 2015 asking him to let me go, if he didn’t want to continue.
I don t know if I told the whole truth, but I can’t imagine I didn’t;
That I had fallen in love with someone else. And that although I could not see us getting romantically involved, I wanted to know where we, the distant lover and me, stood.
I remember being incredibly sad.
That I could not believe our summer affair had lead to nothing, and that I d now fallen in love with someone who was spending the holidays with a family. His family. To whom I was a threat.
To whom our love, would be a threat.
I took many pictures and ultimately saved 2 or 3. One of which I sent to the man with whom I had a summer affair and who had now become distant.
He replied and he let me go.
Before January 1st was over, I was all alone.
It took until late January for Mr.Big to make his move. And for the first 6 months I believed he would choose me. They were incredibly frustrating.
But then everything changed.
I got used to being a secret mistress, and was genuinely happy he had never made “me” a reason to get a divorce.
Mr.Big never talked to me about guilt, nor blamed me for complicating his life.
When we saw each other it was incredibly loving, light, exciting. It was even emotionally safe: we trusted each other, we d never hurt one another.
But with every year that passed, things became more difficult for him I think.
He contacted me less frequently.
Until this December he ended what we had.
And here I am. 5 Years later.
And there is something I did not tell.
I m in love with someone else. We don’t talk about it. We rarely see each other and to the untrained eye, nothing can be seen.
And even to the trained eye, nothing can be seen.
Not a word… not a word ever spoken about what I have felt from the first moment I saw him, although it took over a month to sink in.
But I never want to be a secret mistress ever again. I don’t want to be the villain in your story.
So 2020 will not be the year I recreate what I had with Mr. Big, with another man.
But then what will it lead to?
This unseen, unspoken, tension, as if the air between us is on fire.
All I know is that I took picture after picture at the bridge.
And that they all came out radiating.

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

subscribe to YouTube for My Life in Bon Jovi songs.

and my Dutch blog about film. Nederlands blog over film:
Zeg maar Lauren

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..

Subscribe 

I usually write for my 1994 diary:
1994: A Performance Art Project
And the subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

My diaries en erotica are available at 

my BOOK SHOP 25% discount on all prices If you check your cart, you can select your store f.e. Nederland or United States with the flag in the upper right corner. Nederlandse boeken kun je ook direct bij mij bestellen

Welcome to the jungle | “1994” series

Maybe I waited too long.
My
melancholic moments, my saddest moments, and certainly something that resembled tears (I only vaguely remember them…. it was all so strange) must have been the first days after Bear broke up with me.
That although I did not feel like I was feeling it, that was all that was gonna come, making it the best moment to write about the breakup when I was still emotionally involved.
There wouldn’t come a better time, when I h
ad more meaningful things to say.
But I didn’t believe that. 

Bear had meant so much to me and therefor I was convinced I would eventually break to pieces and lose my mind.
That “this” could not be it.
But nothing came…
And now I m on the verge of 1995 and I just want to have the breakup with the most important man of my life in my diary, especially since we no longer seem to be friends. He didn’t show up at a party we both had been invited to and that he had been looking forward to.
We had said our goodbyes with a big hug and actually saying:
“See you then.”
That had been another possible reason for keeping it together:
I still had something to look forward to.
Either way, the party came and no Bear. No explanation either and instead of being devastated I just interpreted it as a sign that he could be having more difficulty with the new situation than me.
Our breakup had not brought the peace of mind he had hoped for, and now he was cutting ties.
Yet, I was still okay.
And with that another good moment to reflect and to write, passed.
So now I had already missed the first days or the first week, when my feelings had been the strongest. Then I missed out on the second opportunity, which was experiencing that he didn’t want to see me anymore.
And then the third trigger happened, which didn’t have anything to do with my Bear, but with the second man I am in love with.
A Slash like painter who did my balcony, and whom I later went to see at Warhol’s because he had told me he usually went there on Saturday’s.
In Warhol he let the woman behind the bar in Andy’s room hijack our conversation, and almost pretended he had no idea who I was.
Afterwards I had seen him only once, when I was going out and we ended up at Warhol’s.
I now considered it my time to pretend we had no memorable connection.
He took it well, which I on my turn, found extremely sexy.
“Well played!” I thought.
Then just this month he started working on the building with a colleague. The scaffolding slowly moved up the street, alongside the building. After two weeks it was on our side, the final apartments that needed work.
Probably because I had been impressed with his relaxed attitude the second time at Warhols, and also because he had kept his cool every time I cycled by and casually said hi, I offered them coffee.
I didn’t invite them in, or anything.
And I treated him and his colleague entirely equal, nothing flirtatious. I was business-like even.
Which in turn, seemed to fascinate him.
As if he started to wonder if his imagination had been playing tricks on him.
“I thought she had come to the Warhol to see me, but now I m not so sure!”
Something like that, I don’t know.
Like I said, I wasn’t overthinking it. I was just normalizing whatever it was that had happened this summer, with strategic use of coffee and cookies.
I wasn’t bending over backwards to win his heart.
On my way out I passed them again. It was the end of the day, I had been working from home and was now going to a Christmas drink at the publisher’s.
They were breaking down the scaffolding, and as I was taking my bike out of the basement, putting my handbag at my steering wheel and getting ready to leave, the most peculiar conversation arose.
Something in the lines of my Slash-like painter making jokes to the other one, the he (the other one) was single.
But that he (the Slash painter) had a family.
It was all done in a casual boys will be boys kind of way, and it even included the suggestion that the other painter and me should hook up.
Or Slash addressing both his colleague and me in a way that suggested “we” were a group, or the singles or something.
What I also noticed was that the colleague did not seem to notice this was a strange conversation. Or he was too excited to be named in one sentence with me.
Like I said, it was not exactly clear what was said or anything, but I did understand that he was telling me he was involved with someone.
And I know it’s not with the woman who’s working in Andy’s room, that was super obvious. But if you have a family, and you have a sexy bartender who has the hots for you, it does explain why you’re not following up on the girl with whom you unexpectedly had a wonderful afternoon, when you were sent to paint her balcony.
It does explain that.
On my way to the Christmas party I kept thinking why it was that something seemed off with Slash’s remark. Something was… strange. I was too busy trying to get my finger on it, to realize that I had just been rejected.
That after Bear breaking up with me, and then Bear not showing up, I now had the other man I was in love with saying no.
I now had three reasons to feel lonely and rejected, and yet I still did not feel miserable. I was more like a detective trying to figure out “Whodunnit”
Although in my case, not having sex since July, the answer was obviously not “me”.
I had not dunnit for five months and both men were rejecting me.
It took me over a week to crack the puzzle. Everything. From why I wasn’t feeling totally devastated when he broke up, to why I was okay with him not showing up to the party;
To why I was unimpressed with Slash telling me he was taken.
The reason is one and the same:
I m still in the game.
It is as if these men have come up and said: “I can’t play.” but then expected me to respond with something.
To stop doing something.
As if I am running around in red lingerie sucking my fingers and winking: “Come here, sailor.” and am supposed to change that.
I don’t know.
But they are treating me, or talking to me, as if they are expecting something to happen with me. As if I am supposed to do something, as a response.
As if they want me to step out of the game.
When they are the ones who have just announced they are either not playing games or have stopped playing.
And now they’re looking at me to leave the board.
Why would I leave the board?
They are the ones who left.
I still like them, both of them.
I like Slash and I like Bear.
But I m not stepping off the board because they are not in a position to play anymore.
I said this to a friend last weekend. That I finally understood that these men had expected me to be defeated. And that even I had expected that. My constant waiting, expecting to at one point “feel” the breakup.
But I was fine.
“It is so strange,” I said to her. “I miss Bear, I really do. And I would have loved Slash, but he doesn’t even let me come near.
Yet I still feel excited. But why?”
“Because you’re still in the game,” she laughed. “And you’re a good player!”
I sure am.

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living..

Subscribe to 1994 

The subscription button to this blog is on this page,
probably on the right.
Welcome to the jungle | “1994” 
is the first chapter of
1994 part 2: A new life

For the real current-day me: 
subscribe to YouTube for My Life in Bon Jovi songs.

Follow on Facebook or Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

My diaries en erotica are available at 

my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

Nederlandse boeken kun je ook direct bij mij bestellen

coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2019
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit (Dutch)

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

The Desert Goddess

This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara( Sara’s Fb page)
Before our coaching call, I always give her a headsup.

Dear Sara,
.
Every time I write you, I feel like checking what I wrote last time.
As if I fear you are keeping checklists of my analysis and conclusions, my plans and resolutions. When in the highly unlikely case that you did, I know you would never use them against me.
That I don’t have to meet any standards of consistency, although obviously a part of me still thinks investing in creativity coaching requires some sort of accountability.
.
I went to Star Wars 9 and to my unpleasant surprise the leaks were true. Despite its promising part 7 and 8, the entire sequel saga which started in 2015, was not about a love story between the darkside warrior Kylo Ren and his equal in the light, the girl from Jakku.
It was about the birth of an overpowered super heroine (the antis use this as something bad, but I ve decided to claim that as my bio) who doesn’t need anybody.
Or at least I hope so, because she ended up all alone without the love of her life, on a desert planet to, as Twitter put it;
“eat sand.”
You can’t blame Star Wars for lack of symbolism, when they let her love interest (who was still on the dark side then) snatch a fertility necklace from her neck,  through Force projection.
I thought this was subliminal messaging for some kind of reference to rough sex.
But apparently it meant:
“No sex for you. Stay a virgin and if you re lucky we’ll give you an immaculate conception so that we can keep fantasizing about you and we don’t have to compete with tall, dark and handsome warriors.”
Eat sand, check.
Just like Rey’s future had suddenly changed from happily ever after with her dark prince to facing life alone, my future changed to when my own tall and handsome lover called it quits.
And just like Rey, I tried to tell myself I would get over it, there were more fish in the sea (although few in the desert), and it would all be a chance to redesign my love life.
Being a mistress had been unsatisfactory with regard to the number of times I had sex. I had not had sex for 5 month when we broke up.
Which was an advantage when processing the breakup, but in previous years the numbers had been modest as well.
I could see how becoming fully single, would help me to adjust to the idea of having multiple men in my life.
But only when I m in love.
The major takeaway from having been single since 2006 has been that I know that sex without being in love is just as boring to me, as sex within a long-term relationship where the passion has died out.

This requirement alone may very well be why I might never have sex again and I m okay with that.
So I was left alone with my thoughts on how I could use this time as a single to upgrade my sex life from having a basis/ mindset in place that could support one lover, to one that supported at least the idea of having two lovers.
But against any and all of my expectations, something happened that was the opposite of what I expected; When I masturbated my orgasms had intensified.
Practically overnight.
The first time was two days after the breakup.
It was a session of which I thought: 
“Let’s get this over with, so that I have that first time out of the way,”
and BOOM!
The only time I remember experiencing this, was when I was in my early 30s.
I had always assumed it had been an age thing.
When you re in your early thirties your body does what it can to talk you into making babies.

But in retrospect, it’s much more likely it was sparked by me and my partner breaking up. Just like now, it was a very smooth breakup, nothing dramatic.
We even stayed together, living together for another two years. 
As friends.
So apparently, as much time as I had invested in figuring out my sexuality and my relationships, as much as I had gained knowledge over all those years – 
I know who I am right now, and that I had been right in 2006 that a long-term sexual relationship really was not my thing-
I had overlooked something major as well:
That I was absolutely fine, being alone.
If anything, I was doing better.
.
I will never stop loving tall, dark and handsome warriors.
And still think Rey and her man should have ended up together, they deserved it.
But as far as my own sex life goes, I now know that there really is no reason whatsoever to “invest” in a love life or to turn myself inside out in order to be able to deal with two lovers.
.
In the end I am just as happy alone in the desert.
And certainly just as hot.

.

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

related:
A Farewell to a Darkside Warrior (on this blog)
#thankyourianjohnson | A Reylo Fairy Tale on The Rise of Skywalker
( a Star Wars Meta, on my other blog)

subscribe to YouTube for My Life in Bon Jovi songs.

and my Dutch blog about film. Nederlands blog over film:
Zeg maar Lauren

Follow on Facebook or Twitter
NEW connect on Linkedin
..

Subscribe 

I usually write for my 1994 diary:
1994: A Performance Art Project
And the subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

My diaries en erotica are available at 

my BOOK SHOP 25% discount on all prices If you check your cart, you can select your store f.e. Nederland or United States with the flag in the upper right corner. Nederlandse boeken kun je ook direct bij mij bestellen

A Farewell to a Darkside Warrior

One of the things that struck me most, during this last month of the decade, is how I seem to have spent way more time processing The Rise of Skywalker, which presented me with the most unwelcome ending for the darkside warrior Kylo Ren, than I have processing the even more unwelcome breakup from my own darksider.
Which in itself, gave reason for endless analysis, but by that time it had become a meta question:
“Why am I so not okay with a fictional character not getting his happily ever, and not with me, not getting my happily ever after?”
Not being okay with the ending Disney had for us, bore the hallmarks of a dirty breakup.
All I could think of was: WHY?!
“WHY did you do this and that in (fill in Star Wars episode 7 or 8) and this and that in (fill in novelizations of 7 or 8)? And why did this and this actor say such and such about the movie; Only to have it end this way?”
“Why does the final 30 minutes of the movie not have any dialogue for Kylo Ren?
Was it really that last minute? After three years of production, you don’t even have scenes with dialogue that support the ending of your male protagonist?
So you just mute them and copy past the entire ending to a 40+ years saga?”
Yet, I never asked any explanation to my lover as to why he did what he did. The thought didn’t even cross my mind.
If anything, I offered an explanation to him.
During our 5 years together, he liked what I did for him. But it was something extra.
Like sugar or alcohol, or even a la carte dining at the finest restaurants.
I was something that he would always enjoy and maybe even need at some points in his life, but he would never allow it to be the basis of his life.
So he never made the impression he wanted me to be anything more, because he didn’t see a future where I played a role he understood.
I don’t want to live together, nor get married.
I don’t want to be seen as a couple, unless it’s a super modern one, where people understand I am his equal. A woman who will win over his heart time and time again, but who may spend time in your bed or your life.
If he stays with you, then good for you.
It was fair game and I lost.
But I m not going to pretend to be the traditional woman next to a successful man. I m not a trophy wife, nor a gold digger, nor am I half of a power couple who go to events together and are praised and admired by the other successful people around them.
The business man and his second wife, the writer.
Not going to happen, because then we become part of the people around us. We become owned, and I am free.
But I respect that he wants to play a bigger role, a more traditional one. He already had that when we met. I applaud that when he feels the time has come to focus on that, and he wants to leave his mistress.
“Goodbye. I will always love you, and miss you so much. But I understand, I really do.”
Not:
“wHaT tHe fLyInG fUcK dID yoU Do tHAt FOr?!”
As disturbed I was by Disney’s ending, and what it meant in the grand scheme of things – “who was behind it? What purpose did it serve?” – that’s how easy I could let go when it was my own lover.
I have a couple of pages of notes next to me.
They cover a lot.
From all the plot holes in The Rise of Skywalker, to the symbolic meaning of The Emporer, the symbolism of killing off a dark and conflicted character who is loved by the female heroine.
The notes speak of ways in which Kylo Ren/ Ben Solo could come back, because the world where he died, Exogol, is part of the World Between Worlds.
The rules of life and death do not apply there.
There are many notes, but in the end I think the only purpose they really served was for me to understand we are never entitled to happy endings.
Not even if it’s Disney, let alone real life.
That people may or may not come back.
But that the most important thing is that you let them go, when they have to leave.
And never stop loving them.

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

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1994: A Performance Art Project
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Dating from now on: Rules of engagement { 1994 project }

Molly Ringwald. Whose 80s pictures are frequently featured in my 1994 project

This is a goodbye post. 
But a very exciting one.
It is “Goodbye 2019” and “Hello 1994”

I m taking on my life as an art project, where I create an entire new persona, based on real life events, as well as on desires of what I want my life to be like.
It’s something I started four months ago, with the series “1994 fanfic inspired erotica”.
It was me trying out the concept of time-traveling, as well as feeling into it.
Was it as inspiring as it sounded?
Did it feel expansive?
And yes!
Taking 25 years off my life, turned out to be as good as it sounded. But I didn’t go all in. There was simply too much at stake, and too much going on energetically, I would even say.
I tried to figure out why I was feeling so awful, but it wasn’t until my lover broke up with me one week ago, that I knew the answer to that.
Our relationship had been falling apart.
And I had picked it up without knowing it.
Ultimately the conversation itself – you could even call it a date! – was the most painless, supportive breakup in the history of mankind.
Not because I wasn’t sad.
But because I had already shed all my tears, felt all the despair, and built myself up again. I had already done all the internal work.
And without a doubt, so did he.
It was two mature adults, who had learned that relationships can end, but anything that is worth saving, will last on in our hearts.
I felt like I passed my exam to adulthood.
With honors.
And now what, right? There was nothing left to do anymore. Not here. Not in 2019.
After this accomplishment, I would almost feel compelled to share everything I have learned. To become or stay an inspirational speaker, coach, yoga teacher. I ve always claimed I was good with relationships, and with the cum laude breakup I had proof I could really do it.
But I don’t want to inspire as a professional.
I don’t want that to be my work.
So I m at this point where I feel I have developed myself as a senior in the field of personal development, but it’s not my field. I am an artist.
Someone who plays.
Creates.
And then moves on.
I don’t identify with having any specific profession; I “just” channel it.
That’s what I ve done as a yoga teacher, a writer, a publisher. And I ll channel whatever profession will be next for me in real life.
The only profession you could “tie” to my identity, is being a play artist, or a performance artist.
Someone who is always changing, always playing, and consciously and unconsciously creating a new truth by first living it. Adopting it.
“1994” has started by taking baby steps, and exploring how it felt.
But with the departure of my lover, and my love life always being the main thing I write about and am interested in, I am free to really go all in.
I can start creating a new reality.
The love life I desire.

Disclaimer for lovers – Rules of engagement 1994

Although I can leave out, reframe, embellish or omit any event, experience or character in order to either fit into the 1994 time bubble, or to keep someone from appearing in my blog, there is one aspect where this is not going to happen;
My love life.
Love is what makes the world go round, and it’s certainly what makes me tick. I d rather never have a man in my bed ever again, than to give up writing.
Or to give up being in love with whomever I want.
Which means there are four non-negotiable rules, for whomever I get sexually involved with.

rule number 1: I m a secret/ Writer FIRST 

Any man with whom I have a sexual relationship, must take into account that our encounters, and my feelings surrounding them, will be written about.
And in order for me to be free to do that, you can never refer to me as your girlfriend or your lover, because it would mean that your friends are now reading our blog, and I can no longer freely write about it.

Your anonymity will be guaranteed, by writing about you as a fictional character, without matching characteristics. And the content, as to what it is I write, can be negotiated as well.
In particular with regard to protecting your privacy or your feelings.
In order to make this writing aspect as comfortable as possible:
I will always deny that you are my lover, and I strongly suggest you do the same.
There is an escape clause to this secrecy 😉 

See 4.

rule number 2: You must guarantee my safety, and be comfortable seeing me in public

If you’re married, wanted dead or alive, a singer in a rock and roll band, or if there is any other reason why I could get the cops or angry women on my doorstep if we’re seen together?
We call it quits.
The secrecy under 1 is just to avoid people from recognizing you in my blog, and to claim our boundaries as singles. It’s no one’s business what we do.
But the secrecy is not because I want to hide in hotel rooms, and never go out in public (as friends).

rule number 3: You must keep seeing other women

For a long time I thought this was a dominance thing.
That in theory, a man could also be faithful to me, and convey in this kind of arrogant way that HE was the one who decided what he was going to do with his body.
Not me.
But right now, that all sounds very far fetched.
I need you out there having adventures and me not knowing what you’re doing, or
my sexual interest will flatline before you know it.
If you are uncomfortable with me writing about having a lover who has other women? Don’t come.
In the rare case I absolutely have to write about something extremely dramatic that happened in your love life or other relationships – I will change our timeline, events and of course names for you.
Details of your love life (should I know them) will never be revealed. 

rule number 4 (going steady rule): we’re a team

This rule is not for those who are my lover:
This is for those who ultimately want more, which is to say to become my partner, and call me their girlfriend instead of friend.
We’re a team.
And I need you to be supportive of me.
You see, I m hard-wired to be faithful. It really is, a frickin big deal for me to be physically intimate with someone else when I am already involved.

But (at least in theory) I think I could be intimate with more than one man, because there have been times when I WAS in love with two men.
I have always figured it only took that second man to say “yes”, to turn me from being monogamous into polyamorous.
But does it?
Because so far when I was in love with two men, my main love-interest was already moving on, or turning away.
I have once written a book about this.
It’s called Dutch American Diary.
And it’s about me being in love with two men, and the agony that comes from that. It takes a while before I realize that I only fell in love with the second man, because the first could not meet the demands above, and we were completely stuck between me being a secret mistress and trying to break up.
We weren’t good at either one.
A second love interest was the only thing that would give me the power to stay away from him.
And this pattern of pulling in a second crush, as a response to realizing the first is no longer an option, has persisted.
Whenever a second man came into my life, or an old crush suddenly became current again, the main man in my life was already pulling back or had proven to come with the proverbial hornet’s nest.
All in all, I have more proof that I am absolutely incapable of having sex with anyone other than my main man, than otherwise.
However, I do not want to be selected or chosen, because I am this kind of dream woman who lets you fool around but she herself seems bound to an invisible moral code between her and God or something.
No.
Instead, I want you to be supportive of me.
I either want you to treat me as a secret lover, which means that we both could be dating other people and you make sure I don’t get to see any of your jealousy.
Or, if you want to be a part of my life, I want you to be there for me when I explore these things. Because my happiness is your happiness (as it is vice versa), and you know that what is true cannot be taken away.
I really believe that I will be the dream woman for someone, and that my dream man is out there.
And he will read this, all four points, and know it’s him.

Entering the portal to 1994

The past couple of months, I ve freely switched between my fantasy world in 1994 and my real life.
But today, is the day I m going all in.
Which as far as this blog is concerned, means I will no longer be writing about secret mistresshood since I now live in 1994, and my lover Bear was single.
And I will no longer be engaging in politics or any current day events that used to catch my attention, and inspire me to write.
Everything I write, will be in the series 1994, and once every two, three weeks, I will be writing a letter to my creativity coach Sara.
This letter to her, is where I will give a helicopter view of what my “real” life is like;
But otherwise, I will not be going back and forth anymore.
I will now teleport myself to 1994.
See you on the other side.

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

The two outlets which will stay in 2019 are my YouTube
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and my Dutch blog about film. Nederlands blog over film:
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All episodes from this art project, can be found on my new page!
1994: A Performance Art Project
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Redemption

warning: Spoilers for Star Wars 9 The Rise of Skywalker

This blogpost is about a breakup, after a 5 year long forbidden affair to a handsome man, strong on the dark side of the Force.
It’s written to my creativity coach Sara (Sara’s Fb page)

Dear Sara,

I feel kind of nervous writing this.
As if it is The Letter of Letters, about The King of Kings and the ending of a saga that has changed the world.
Or at least me.
But maybe it is easier to compare it to Star Wars 9, which will be released in a couple of days.

Star Wars 9 is the final movie of the Skywalker Saga, which was started by George Lucas over 40 years ago. It is now owned by Disney, who try to work the material, in a way that satisfies the fans without fucking it up and disappointing everyone.
So far predictions for 9 are that they’re fucking it up disappointing everyone.

Maybe that explains why I feel Mr.Big and me have done an absolutely amazing job ending our 5 year long affair.
We did not fuck it up.
And we have not disappointed anybody, which wasn’t too hard since nobody knew in the first place.
I think even we, did not expect something that was forged into existence against the odds, against anything we had envisioned or hoped for ourselves, something which has derailed both our lives, probably more than we have realized when it was still happening;
That something like that could be ended in such a loving, supportive way.
We had a breakup that was was so good, you could have built a marriage onto it and live happily ever after.
And it wasn’t even my idea 😉

So first off, I had not intimately seen him in five months. 
We had kept in touch, and have seen each other at least once coincidentally; but there was nothing unusual about the way we had been interacting.
Except that five months not seeing each other in private, was longer that it had ever been.
I leave 95% of the initiative as to when we see each other to him, and in 100% of the cases I leave the initiative of longer dates, or a more intimate setting, up to him.
So when I asked him if he would like to see each other, and he suggested coffee in a public place around 2, there was nothing unusual about it.
I was guessing it would be a get-acquainted again date. And that we’d meet “properly” in days, weeks. But certainly in 2019.
So I did not expect this to be a breakup conversation, and strangely enough I am convinced that neither did he.
I think he really gave himself permission to either postpone it, or to contemplate a little more, feel into the whole vibe of what we had. Did it really needed saying?
And if so, did it need to be now?
Just like our dates had always been open and lighthearted, and our sexual play was never in the foreground until we were both warmed up to the idea, and time and location permitted it – this final date, which could have ended in a traumatizing breakup for both parties, was so in tune that it possessed a certain beauty, intimacy.
It must have benefited from our ability to tune into each other, and to speak about something which on the surface must have looked like a disturbing topic to others – but that was supported by a deep understanding.
In the same way our sex had contained lots of powerplay and mindgames, but no safe words, no rules: something other people would judge to be irresponsible.
But for us it was entirely safe.
We didn’t need words to understand each other.
Our conversation merely explained the details, of why he wanted to break up and why I understood that. But our words were not used to communicate on a deeper level.
That was the same wordless bond it had always been.

When I conduct one story from what he has told me, together with what I have instinctively been feeling (remind me to get back to that), this is the story why we’re breaking up:
In August I could already feel him pulling away from me.
I was doing very, very badly.
From (I think) halfway July to halfway November, I had the worst four months of my life. And the final smackdown of a 16 month period, which started July 2018.
Oh screw that about me getting back and explaining later, what I had instinctively been feeling! It’s so obvious!
Months ago I wrote you a letter which contained the wise words:
“Sara, whenever I m feeling bad, please remind me that it’s always about a man. And if it’s not about a man, it’s still about a man.”
Unfortunately “Being about a man” – although it had sounded simple enough – has proven to be a complex, layered process, with the following elements. Which probably take place in three different time zones or realities!
1. I will fall in love with a new man but not know it/ not be aware of it;
2. I will focus and stress over my writing, my publishing, my yoga or coaching business, and come up and start countless new plans and projects. None of which make me feel any better.
3. Sudden bursts of anxiety at strange moments.
4. Suicidal thoughts related to having to get a real job (and not having ample time to write)
All four things have happened both last year, as well as halfway July-half November this year.
However, the key is that I ve always felt that “I was not alone”. That there was something going on with him, in his life, that was influencing my reality.
Like a glitch in the Matrix.
Sometimes I was even able to pinpoint it later on, when we met within a week or so, after some major shift had happened. And he mentioned something, and it turned out to be the moment I had felt something.
If I would have to put a model to it, I would say all four things are related to him not doing well, or related to him deliberately turning away from me.
If he’s unconsciously pulling back or if his life is exciting and fun, I do not seem to have these strong responses.
But anyway, because this is all so complex, I do not blame myself for trying to solve my life by tackling individual problems.
My fear of a contract job.
My crushes with new men.
My anxiety.
How else would I be able to deal with them?
I can’t call my lover and yell: “Hey, dude, fix your life! I m getting really bad vibes over here.”
So if I combine everything he told me about why he wants to break up, with everything I have subconsciously been picking up, I would say he already started turning away within a month after our last encounter.
And the explanation I got was that he finds it hard that we only share the good times together. Which became even more pressing when something private happened.
Within months after our wonderful encounter, the entire situation had changed so much – first intentionally and then unintentionally – that it had become out of the question that he would still be seeing his secret mistress.
He took full responsibility, and acknowledged, that he had been turning away before. And did not hide behind the new situation.
I appreciated that.
But nevertheless, it did offer a very clear image that this was not something we were going to debate, or investigate. Of course we were going to breakup.
No questions asked, I would even say.
But nevertheless, it did surprise me that my whole world did not fall apart, in the hours and days after. How was this even possible?
It was like a tremendous burden had been lift from my shoulders.
I was free… but from what?

At first I could not believe it, as you can imagine. I thought there was simply no way it was going to be “this easy”. But when hours turned into days, and I m now almost at the one week marker – I can really say:
I am okay.
And there are probably a multitude of reasons for that but the two I want to highlight are: I already did my time, and during our relationship, I was feeling unsafe.
First, I did my time (like in probation):
It has been 5 months since we last had sex.
That’s as if you’re addicted to cigarettes, get pneumonia, and by the time you’re healed you have not smoked for two weeks.
If you quit then, it will be a lot easier because you’ve already been nicotine free for two weeks.
It’s the same with this relationship:
It’s been five months since we’ve been intimate.
That’s totally different to if it had been five days or even five weeks.
I ve already put in my time. More than that. They were the worst months of my entire life. It was the dramatic “four month smackdown”, maybe meltdown would be a better word, where I looked everywhere to find an explanation for why I was feeling so bad.
I have come to terms with this breakup, without knowing what was going on.
No wonder I m not crying now.
I ve cried for four months.
The second reason:
I ve always felt unsafe.
During those five years I ve presented myself as the mistress of a married business man (or banker) with children, and I suggested there were difficulties within that family or marriage, which could explain both his need for fun (me) as well as why he was loyal to them and would never leave them.
But the truth was a lot more complicated than that.
And the consequences if it ever came out, were entirely different from “just” him having to fight for custody. If it came out, it could have consequences for me.
We had a secret affair because of him, and I supported that.
It’s one of the things I can recommend to any mistress, any partner: play on his team. Don’t push your own agenda, but make what’s important to them, important to you.
It’s the reason it worked, all those years.
And it’s the reason I let him go, the minute he wants to leave.
Of course I do.
But what I had failed to see, was how much the secrecy had been to protect myself. And how much anxiety it has caused. Just the thought of what might happen if it would come out, could make me sick to my stomach.
And it often did.
That’s all over now. It will slowly fade into the background, and every year that passes I will be safer. I made it.
I will never go there again.
Sure; Keeping a relationship a secret for my own pleasure? Avoid all the questions, the outer justification, the expectations and all the normality?
That’s one thing.
But to feel unsafe for 5 years, that was very straining.
And it was the reason I did not crash and burn when he broke up with me.
I was getting my life back.

There are speculations about Star Wars 9. And all endings so far seem to agree that Kylo Ren gets redeemed and becomes Ben Solo again.
And then he dies.
None of the endings that have leaked, suggest that Rey and Kylo Ren/Ben Solo will live happily ever after.
It seems a given, that they will not.
In some versions, Kylo Ren just falls into a pit “never to be seen again”.
In others he has a speech, words of wisdom, and consciously sacrifices his life to save Rey, before he falls into the pit.
Star Wars 9 will end with Rey being all alone on a desert planet, with no one who understands her.

There is no happy ending and she’s exactly where she started in 2015.
Just an entirely different person.

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

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Redemption is the second chapter of 7-figure Rock Star Writer part 7: The End

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The End

“Did you see it coming?”
Were the first words of the only mutual friend Mr.Big and me had.
Actually he was more a friend to me, and a business relationship to him. I gave him a name on this blog in 2018. When he was also the only friend who knew the man I had suddenly fell in love with that year.
But I forgot which alias this was.
Probably because he played such a pivotal role, being connected to my secret lover as well as to the first-new-crush-in-four-years of 2018.
I just didn’t want to acknowledge the importance of the role Xavier (as I just looked up his name in my old blogposts) had in my life.
As if by not writing about him, I could undo all he knew about me.
Except on a Tuesday when I was heartbroken over the sudden breakup with Mr.Big and I didn’t know who else to call.
“Did you see it coming?” being Xavier’s first words.
Yes and No.
Yes, in the sense that the time period Mr.Big and me did not have sex, had become longer than it ever had. Although Mr.Big had made an effort to kind-of stay in touch. Because he cared about me.
He knew he was running late offering a date, and he also knew I was going through my personal version of 16-month hell, which was reaching its 4-month long crescendo.
His messages tried to be supportive.
He was the first one I emailed I knew I was autistic, without a diagnosis. In light of recent events I think my decision to never get a diagnoses will be even better understood.
Tried to be supportive.
But it was clear my diagnoses and my openness about it, had wiped away the last bit of hope he had of ever having a normal relationship with me.
In hindsight, that is.
At that moment, I just tried to label it as a panicky response from someone who never had to deal with autism. Not as someone who is at his wits end, trying to juggle sustaining a healthy family life, and at the same time give in to a desire for fun, sex, laughter.
For love.
God, I loved that man.
Still do.
One of the things I said to him, was that it was going to be difficult getting a new lover. “You will probably rule from your grave.”
This blogpost is all over the place, I know it is.
It’s just that I had to start somewhere. Putting some words to some paper.
Writing endings to all of the books I wanted to create from the blogposts.
But last night I even considered stop being LS Harteveld all together.
Wipe all blogs clean, delete the sites and take all my books down.
Just cease to exist.

I always felt Mr.Big and me had something which transcended normal life

Because I still believe it was my pen, my decision to write about our affair in order to stand my ground, keep my back straight and not get crushed under the weight of being a secret mistress.
It was my pen way before the autism, that made
it difficult for him to choose for me and to smoothly slide me into his life.
Five years worth of blogposts as a secret mistress, would make me stand out like a sore thumb in social relationships.
Not my autism.
Even if I tried to keep my penname and body of work hidden, I would still be a liability. And even if no one would find out, and I would lie for him, he would always know how we had started out.
I was the embodiment of his “betrayal”.
Quotation marks, because I think betrayal is how he views it.
That I am the face of what he doesn’t want to be.
Yet when I see him, I don’t see betrayal at all. I see beauty, uniqueness, giftedness, a talent for loving everybody around him. I see a heightened sensitivity, that has made me wonder all those years how he was able to pull it off living two lives…..
By not allowing me in, that’s how.
By keeping the face of his sins hidden.
“Sins”, again, which I never considered sins.
If a man is a good husband does not rely on how many women he loves, how many lies he tells, how transparent or non-transparent he is. Whether or not a man is a good husband, a good father, a good lover, a good man, depends on many different things, and he appeared to have them all.
Just not the quality he so wished he had:
To love only his wife, and be truthful.
A desire to be normal.
I know how that feels.
And No, I didn’t see it coming.

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

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The End is the first chapter of 7-figure Rock Star Writer part 7: The End

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Reboot

clip at 3 minutes: “We could have settled this yesterday” Or 16 months ago. Or 2,5 years (Desperately Seeking Susan)

This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara( Sara’s Fb page)
Before our coaching call, I always give her a headsup.

Dear Sara,
.
I look forward to writing you, because I am planning this week’s letter to be the final chapter of my diary 2017-2019, called Reboot
.
Summer 2017 I started a diary Reboot. I already have a cover and intended to create a book starting with that diary, and followed by a selection of diaries and posts from late 2017 to current day.
In retrospect my downfall started a few months before Reboot.
When my best friend moved to America.
And a downfall it was! A steady slope downhill.
But it’s over now. 
I ve truly rebooted my life and I m so extraordinarily happy!
So because I have other obligations tomorrow, I will be writing my real letter Tuesday. Just a few hours before our call.
.
I ve also picked up doing yoga with Yoga with Adriene.
Do you know her?
I ve always kind of envied people who started doing yoga this decade. That they didn’t even need classes, they could just do Yoga with Adriene.
She was most famous for doing her 30 Days of Yoga every January, but she also started making new 30 day playlists every month.
So she basically has this project-style of creating, which is of course ideal for me.
And I ll still be doing Bon Jovi freestyle yoga, when I feel like it.
I cancelled Spotify and I bought their (missing) first three cd’s, to get that old school feel. But my daily practice will not be album-long practices, but a video from Yoga with Adriene.
evidence based therapy: pink 80s interior in Desperately Seeking Susan

I feel like a lucky beginner after all!

.
And I also binge watched an 80s double dvd, which turned out to be an 8 part series from CNN from 2016. 
It has resparked my love for this decade, and now that I m done with the CNN series, I m binge watching YouTube on 80s design and interior. And rewatching Desperately Seeking Susan for all of the pinkness in the bedroom, and the white kitchen with 80s poster.
I love that movie, it’s one big 80s design fest.
.
So if all goes well, I ll write a Reboot-closing-chapter-worthy letter on Tuesday, and if not, this is it!!
You know, now that I m typing this, I see this really should be it.
That this light heads-up, is way better than trying to write An Official Worthy Ending To My Book.
.
Because do you know what the big break through was? The thing that healed me? 
The thing which, as Madonna says in Desperately Seeking Susan:
“Why didn’t you tell me? I could have settled this yesterday.”
Or 16 months ago.
Or 2,5 years ago.
The thing that saved me was a friend discovering it had been heaviness, that had been eating me alive.
Time and time again.
The heaviness surrounding a “real job” versus the lightness of going to college.
The heaviness of teaching yoga and being a professional, versus the lightness of building a practice on library books and notes taken from a weekly class.
The heaviness of “a real” relationship, versus the lightness of having a secret affair where everything sparkles.
The heaviness of a mental health diagnosis and possibly even treatment, versus just deciding to do it myself, and watch 80s YouTube videos instead.
.
Not recognizing the “it” was heaviness and seriousness that were bothering me, has cost me years of my life. 
.
There was one thing about this heavy period in my life, that I did value.
And that I know will continue to have deep meaning;
I now recognize that my suicidal thoughts were, although triggered by resistance to life, a much more layered matter. 

It was a longing to be with my father again. And with my two cats Max and Willem.
But it was also a longing to face death because it made me feel alive.
Every time I felt life was waiting for me with a job where I could not be my exuberant, spontaneous self? I ran to face death.
I needed those extreme thoughts as a reminder that I was still alive.
But there was a third aspect;
It was a spiritual awakening.
When I was in my twenties I conquered my fear of death. I went from not being able to sleep alone, to ultimately facing my fears and my phobias in the middle of the night, all by my self. And coming out enlightened on the other side.
This was similar.
For fourteen months I fought my demons, and every now and then they turned into giant monsters, fears for the future.
By contemplating suicide I was never running away from anything: I was looking my fears directly in the eye.
I could not accept a less than perfect job, as long as I was afraid of death. As long as I had not considered the ultimate alternative. 
Just like in my late twenties, when I was struggling with my thesis and transitioning to adulthood, I have overcome my deepest fear (of dullness) by accepting death.
Death was merely symbolic.
Just like when you dream about death, it is not really about death.

It is about the ending of an era, and starting a new one.
My suicidal thoughts were never about suicide: They were the death of my old life, and the rebirth of a new one.
.
What I have come to understand, deeply, is that I am a writer/ expressionist/ thinker. Under my real name I will be the new face of yoga, celebrating a lighthearted self-practice. Under my penname I will stay LS Harteveld:
A writer when writing is required.
I will publish my books as LS Harteveld, and will pick up creating YouTube videos. But I do not have one core message here, nor can I be bought or become famous under this name, in any way that requires me to speak in front of an audience.
I need LS Harteveld to be free.
And under my real name, all my writing, and anything yoga: 
It will be forever light and fun. 
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The dark times are over.
.
And considering the last time a shift like this happened, were the late nineties;
I trust I am rebooted and good to go for the next twenty years.
.
Rock on.
.

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

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