Basic Instinct: on the road from Stinson to San Francisco
This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara
Before our call I always give her a headsup..
First of all;
This post could have, and probably should have, had the title:
“10 Steps That Made Me A 7-Figure Rock Star.”
If you see which previously used addition to that title I left out, I m giving you extra bonus points.
As if you needed any, after responding to my ten minute story about being obsessed with the not-known-by-anyone town of Stinson on our last call, with:
“I know Stinson – ”
And giving me your personal memories of it!
But in my enthusiasm to turn this into a game with extra points, I’m getting ahead of myself!
So, back to where we left off during our last call;
I’ve since replaced the cover photo of my Twitter and Facebook, to the Stinson shoreline. A photo tied to the movie Basic Instinct, and one I will never be allowed to use as the cover for my book
Stories about cinema, Covid and Catherine Tramell
In my last email I was talking about “C.” as just being my 2020 (Covid) diary. But shortly before our call, or on the call, I realized the “C.” – which already stood for Catherine Tramell and Covid – could also stand for “Cinema”.
Immediately giving the book a wider perspective from a diary of this Covid year, to a collection of stories about Covid and about Catherine Tramell, such as these letters to you and all the other posts I ve written about Catherine Tramell and Basic Instinct in the past.
And finally C, standing for cinema, would include stories inspired by movies I saw.
I think I have up to twenty posts, all “Metas” to movies in one way or another.
Out of the top of my head, I remember writing many of them about Star Wars The Last Jedi, a few on the movie Mother, but also on Words of Love, the documentary on Leonard Cohen and Bohemian Rhapsody, which I saw 15 times total.
Turning “C.” from a diary into a collection of stories, was actually so freeing that it has made me determined to do all books like that.
Leave the idea of publishing my blog posts in the diary format, but curate them around certain topics.
If, in the end, I find that I also have a diary I want to publish, for instance my 1994-1995 project, I can still do that.
But the idea of first focusing on smaller complete series, such as “The Mistress Speaks”, or collection of stories around a topic, makes the task at hand so much lighter.
I m still committed to publishing all my new books in the remainder of 2020.
As I m typing this, Saturday afternoon, I ve only just recovered from headaches.
And according to this new 10 Step schedule I should be taking it easy, and do my yoga and journaling before I dive into the writing.
But I’m just way too excited to not immediately jump into it!
And I mean- what if the headache returns, and I have not written you before our call?
So although I believe there is purpose and point in following the 10 steps, in the right order;
Let’s not overestimate my ability to follow them.
The reason I didn’t title this post “10 Steps that made me a 7-Figure Rock Star”, is because it would be way too self-helpy, click baity and then the post being too wordy to satisfy the hungry visitor.
Best to give it a neutral title;
The two other titles I considered before settling for “Stinson Beach” were:
“The little fellas with the knitting pins who stick them in my head, are back”
But I didn’t want to acknowledge my headaches, to the extend that I was now either suffering from them OR writing about them!
Don’t want to encourage those little fellas.
And the other title I considered was; “Straight Outta Stinson”.
Which I REALLY liked, but since I never watched the documentary Straight Outta Compton, nor ever listened to NWA, I found that title too was too click baity too and not be delivering content for someone coming in from that angle.
I just looked it up and in 2010 Stinson Beach had a population of 632.
It’s a quiet town and the only things ominous about it are the always present fog over the sea, and the great white sharks who have gotten the town into “The Red Triangle”;
And area with a high number of shark attacks.
Stinson is as far from LA rap music and culture as you could possibly get.
So the title became plain and simple;
The small town that you knew from personal experience, and that I had turned into my newest special interest. Me; A woman from The Netherlands, who has never been to California or even in the entire West of the US ever!
Because of the headaches I have not written anything, since my last letter to you. And I ve also not watched movies, nor listened to music.
I have been doing a training from Katrina Ruth “Identity”, plus doing her longer free training videos on YouTube, which she uploaded from 2016 tot the beginning of this year;
But even they are just too potent!
I have them (taking her training) on my 10 Steps schedule, but they’re in the final lap. They’re for when I feel really strong, and I can let her powerful message fuel me without breaking into bits.
As I have been suffering from lately.
Now just to be clear: I did not get headaches from watching Katrina Ruth, although I am aware it can seem that way.
I got headaches from my request for psychological help backfiring, a situation about which I probably should have filed a complaint with healthcare inspection but I didn’t want to invest anymore time in it.
And after this had settled, a doctor who also works at my GP office contacted me with new addresses to getting help.
Something I declined but it did result in more stress.
And we also had another Covid related press conference, which was from all the press conferences the most inconsistent one of all.
This time they had an entire schedule which they called a “Covid road map” which turned out to be neither a road map (it did not get you to where you wanted to go) nor was it a consistent schedule with regard to which measures would au-to-ma-ti-cally (I presumed!) follow a certain level of having Covid in our communities.
The road map was regional.
Yet it was presented on the day we had national measures being taken.
National measures which were not even on the road map.
In case you’re wondering “Isn’t The Netherlands too small for a regional road map?”
This road map will never be used because as soon as there is any trouble, national measures will be taken.
However in theory you could use a regional road map for national Covid measures if you would said f.e. ;
“We’re setting the entire country on level 3. This means that all measures for level 3 will now be applicable for the whole nation.”
I really thought – and I can only say I was so naive here;
I thought that – and I had actually already printed it, because I was convinced it could not mean anything else!
I was convinced I would ONLY need this new road map from now on.
* looks at the road map *
* sees column with measures level 3*
When in reality, we got national measures, with a name (“partial lockdown”) that was not referring to a certain level nor name used on the card.
And the new set of measures were not found in one column but either not mentioned on the map, or scattered throughout like confetti.
A cluster fuck Sara, that’s what it was.
JUST when I thought I could finally let out a sigh of relief, that they had bettered their ways and had something which would free us from constantly having to tune in to all the changes.
Yet no one seemed to mention, seemed to care, and an entire parliamentary debate went by without someone roasting it.
I hate roasts done for fun. But for this ill-equipped road map plan I think a proper roast was the only appropriate response.
And one of the things they will very soon find out, is that if they indeed intend to use our emergency Covid legislation in order to make non-medical mouth masks mandatory?
Dutch legal experts will have them raw.
Because this law states that citizens can be forced to wear;
Covering your mouth with “something”? Is not personal protection!
A condom, is personal protection.
A real medical mask, is personal protection.
Non-medical masks offer at best some protection for other people, and they appear courteous.
The emergency Covid legislation should have stated that the government can make people comply with symbolic measures, that might be ineffective or even counter effective “but that most people get a safe feeling from”.
In that case, they would be able to get the mandatory mouth masks through in 10 minutes.
But based on personal protection?
They’ll have them raw, Sara.
And although I’m all pro-etiquette and don’t mind wearing a face mask at all, I look forward to the legal massacre this mouth mask legislation is going to be.
I give Dutch politicians heading for mandatory mouth masks, the survival chance of a surfer with an open wound on his leg, peddling his board in The Red Triangle of Stinson Beach.
I read they pulled one out who needed 600 stitches.
So after my Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday being lost to seeing my personal chances of getting the correct psychological help evaporate (after my medical data were leaked – It was a minefield!) and lost them to getting worked up about the inconsistency of Dutch Covid regulation;
My Thursday had a high pulling myself up by the bootstraps level!
I called it my day of Rebirth, and I was determined to never let myself be pulled into the shark infested waters of getting psychological help.
Nor was I ever going to invest in understanding which contradictory, bullocks plan our government was selling this time.
Not even when it seemed like a good and sound plan, because the disappointment that it was yet another road map to absolutely nowhere, made it all the more painful.
And it worked.
Thursday was A Milestone Day!
By the time it had finished I felt really good, and I had made some really big improvements to my house.
Most notably I now have a cosy yoga corner in the warmest room of the house, my study.
Now that it’s winter the living is always a bit colder, and sometimes the cats want the balcony door open, so this is much better.
And then Friday came.
Now, throughout the entire week I had been taking Katrina Ruth training, and on most days it was the only thing I felt really confident over.
In the midst of all the craziness, focusing on personal development and what I want for my art and my life, were the moments I felt Life mattered and that it was more than being played by medical professionals and our government.
But even Thursday, I could already sense studying Katrina Ruth was starting to take up too much time in the morning – often up to two hours for one 45 minute video.
And that it didn’t result in me writing, nor publishing my books – which was going to be my main goal for 2020.
Thursday was my “regroup” day, so to speak.
I could count that as being “lost”, to needing recovery time for all the anger and frustration I had felt at the beginning of the week.
But Friday was the first day I could have done something “real”.
Maybe that is why on Friday I noticed it more, how intense studying Katrina Ruth was. And when I developed a headache and ultimately had to go to bed to recover, I knew I needed more of a plan to my life than “refrain from news” and “don’t talk to doctors”.
Which is when I developed the 10 Steps that are going to make me a 7-Figure Rock Star – period!
The missing word was “writer”.
But you knew that right?
I used to see myself, or maybe “seeing myself” was not the right word, but the closest definition of myself and what it is I do, is “Writer”.
7 Figure Rock Star Writer.
But from taking all the Katrina Ruth training – and I don’t even remember when it clicked exactly – but from studying with her, I knew I had to ditch the “writer” part.
For many reasons.
(oh, and I cried, it was an emotional moment when in my head, I crossed out
writer, and became a Rock Star)
The first reason I crossed out writer is because when Covid is over, I want to spend as little time writing or behind my desk as possible.
I’ve made jokes I do not want to spend even one night in my own bed!
Wouldn’t that be something.
Either way, being known as “a writer” is setting myself up for doing something I no longer want to do.
Secondly because I feel yoga is such an integral part of who I am.
I don’t feel I am a yoga teacher in the traditional sense, anymore. But months ago, I already had a calling. Just like Joan of Arc that kind of level:
“Yoga is my art”
Since then I still have no idea how this would be possible, but I know this is true.
Yoga, not writing, is my art.
But Rock Star Yoga Teacher also didn’t had the right ring to it, but neither did Rock Star Writer, since there was too much yoga “in me”.
Thirdly, and this is the thing we had a lot of fun with in our last call, was that I feel that since Jon Bon Jovi has basically stepped down from the stage, and sees himself more as a writer, a singer songwriter, a recording artist, and only as a touring musician/ performer last;
I feel there’s a Rock Star vacancy.
There’s no one guarding the stage.
He didn’t leave the stage in so many words, but if he is vocal about seeing himself as a writer, and applauded by critics for having delivered such a timely, and relevant singer/songwriter album?
That stage is free.
I know because I was a writer for fourteen years, and that is not the stage.
I feel 2020, with him becoming a writer and me publishing all my books before the end of the year so that I am free to perform and take the stage;
There is an energy of roles being reversed, or switched.
Because that was the second “calling” I got:
I know I am a performer.
The whole list of incomprehensible “calls” is:
1. Get in front of as many people as possible
2. Yoga is my art
3. Album, tour. Album, tour.
This is ALL I have to go by.
And I understand some of them a little bit, and none of them fully.
Three incomprehensible clues about a life that I do not know yet.
And writing not being a visible part of it, as being either 1, nor 2, nor 3.
Writing is “not on the map”.
* silence *
* hears penny drop *
That’s when I suddenly knew what my plan was going to be!
First of all, I was going to drop the title “writer”.
I no longer feel that emotion, but I know I got emotional when I saw I was ready to go next level, and to no longer “be” a writer.
And it was my real name.
This is my pseudonym blog, but my future as a non-writing Rock Star is under my real name.
And the second insight, which was not emotional at all, was that I was going to write out a road map to become a 7-Figure Rock Star.
My new identity, without “writer”.
And after being so angry over all the mistakes our government had made in drawing up their Covid road map, I knew exactly what a GOOD road map looked like!
* fast forward one day *
It’s Sunday night now.
The day I would have finished this blog post, and the moment I would have shared my 10 step system.
So here we are, one day after I logged off because I had been writing for 5 hours straight.
And feeling like a totally new person.
Yesterday, I was so happy I finally knew how to regulate my emotions.
By limiting my time online.
By not writing before I had done my journaling.
By not studying Kat before I had done everything else.
And by putting sex and men at number 10 – yes, they were at ten on my list!
And yet by the time I went to bed?
I had broken ALL the rules.
Not done yoga.
Binged on Kat.
And met a man.
And yet I did not have a headache, and I felt better than I had in weeks!
I couldn’t sleep, I was definitely overstimulated. Because I had met someone online, who I know NOTHING about. Technically I don’t even know if it is a “he”.
It’s a “he”.
I don’t know his age, but I know a few of his friends (maybe that’s why I know he’s male too) and they are way younger than I am.
So that’s why I think he’s younger.
It’s so strange because this is the first time I meet someone in a “setting” that is mysterious;
We know very little about each other.
Just a common interest, or experience, that connects us.
But like I said, there seems to be something else…
And meeting this man changed EVERYTHING.
The entire 10 step plan that was going to ensure that I didn’t get all stressed out by men and stress, pretty much received its death verdict, when this man, in one of our first moments of conversations, made a bold move;
At EXACTLY the right time, Sara!
It bore the markings of a chess player, knowing exactly what he did.
Deliberately moving the horse towards the Queen.
Would The Queen move to the back of the board, to the sides,
or would she move towards him?
Every move would tell him something about her.
I now know the title of this blog post:
Not “Stinson Beach”.
It will be “The Queen of Stinson Beach”.
And I’m betting my Bon Jovi collection, he’ll “get” that.
Was it a coincidence?
That on the Saturday night I wrote for 5 hours straight, determined to finish this post today and describe my list with 10 points;
That EXACTLY on that night, things picked up between a stranger and me?
Someone I have never met before?
But someone who does, what no one before, during or after my lover had been able to do.
Have I ever told you why I knew that in 1992, Sharon Stone knew the essence of the movie Basic Instinct, where all the other people insisted on having a simplistic view of “her” character being a killer?
The interviewer asked her what the movie was about and she answered:
“It is a love story.”
An unexamined life is not worth living
Update on Monday morning
I feel absolutely horrific, which I find both disheartening and totally fascinating at the same time.
My “body”, or mind since physically nothing is wrong with me, has responded to my emotional bender, as if I had a real life (sexual) encounter!
So for today, my 10 step plan, seems like a good idea after all!