I went through my notes about my lover and me.
Most of them have been written into a retro-erotic story situated summer 1994, but I had not done anything with the parts that were related to my Bon Jovi concert.
Because when the story takes place, in 1994, the last time Bon Jovi had played The Netherlands was April 1993.
It didn’t make sense that the protagonist would compare an encounter with her lover, to a concert she had been to the year before.
So I didn’t use that story line.
Until this morning, when I went through the notes to migrate them to my diary. I realized the insights were already starting to fade and I wanted to relive them, understand them the way I had after the concert, and after the encounter with my lover.
For me the best way to deepen my understanding of something, is to write about it.
So that is this blog post.
My love life
Early 2015, I got involved with a married man, whom I call Mr.Big.
Like most mistresses I assumed the situation was temporary, and that he’d leave his wife for me.
When that didn’t happen, I found myself not just adjusting to the situation, but actually thriving on it. I discovered my true sexual identity, thanks to this relationship. Which was that I am a real mistress;
Someone who is deeply in love with one man, but wants him to have his own life and have other women too.
I understood that my longest relationship (14 years) had not failed because I was getting restless being faithful (which I was), or because I had been yearning for adventure (which I had), but because I was with a monogamous man.
It didn’t provide the excitement I needed, from other female competition and having to work for his attention.
I had broken up the relationship because I could feel it didn’t fit who I was sexually, but in all those years of being single I had never been able to pinpoint it.
Now I did.
It really had never been him. It was me. I needed something different. My affair with Mr.Big made it clear what that something was.
I have been seeing other men since then, but those are platonic friendships.
And I ve also fallen in love with someone else in 2018. With Christopher.
So just once.
Twice if I count Jon Bon Jovi.
Thrice if I count Nikki Sixx!
But as you can see, I have a strong preference for unavailable men.
And although Christopher was no rock star, he proved equally hard to get.
Falling in love with all of them, were no signs of my feelings for my lover fading. If anything, they have only gotten stronger.
And this year I picked up being a Bon Jovi fan, and went to the concert June 13, in the Netherlands/ Nijmegen, where I live.
It was the best day of my life and Bon Jovi has inspired both countless posts on this blog, as well as an entire series on YouTube
Three months after the concert, I m still learning how the concert experience and encounters with my lover, are similar to each other.
And how one inspired the other, and vice versa.
Ain’t no woman, like a woman in love
As I m writing this, I m listening to the Bon Jovi album Keep the Faith, and the song “Woman in love”.
There ain’t no woman
Like a woman in love
Ain’t nothing she can’t rise above
She can part the water
When the seas get rough
Ain’t no woman
Like a woman in love
If there is a part of my success which can be conveyed to others, an explanation why I am so content with both my love life as well as the Bon Jovi concert I went to, it’s the fact that I am in love.
And that I don’t need validation for that.
It’s not a case of:
“I am your fan, but now you have to give me a great concert experience or I will be heavily disappointed.”
“I am in love with you, but now you have to choose for me, because otherwise I look silly.”
Being in love is MY business, and the gift it brings is the being in love itself. When it exists it is unconditional, and if it no longer exists nothing can bring it back.
Least of all conditions being changed for the better or terms being met.
If there is a secret to my life, it is that I take full responsibility for my own feelings, and I honor them. I live by them. My heart speaks the ultimate truth that I will live by.
And by nothing else.
Preparation, presence and postpartum
In the days before the concert, I was hyper aware that I was leaning heavily onto my experience with my lover, in order to get the best concert experience.
That I would not have been so certain of my moves, not have the awareness that what I was doing would contribute to the overall experience, if it hadn’t been for the fact that I had done this countless of times.
The big difference between being a lover and being a normal girlfriend, is that although my lover and me do not always have sex when we see each other, we do always have a good time.
It is very dense in quality.
We are fully aware of the other one being there.
This is – I think – why most people are both unfit to be a lover, as well as to have a lover:
This is a peak performance that “requires” your full presence. The moment you start hiding, it’s over.
Just like Jon Bon Jovi had 2 hours and 20 minutes to make a lasting impression, my lover and me only have a few hours to enjoy each other.
So that is the easiest thing to explain the difference between being lovers, and being in a normal relationship:
It is very pure.
If we’d go away for a weekend, we would already have to tone down and get into energy save mode, because you can’t keep that up for 48 hours, anymore than Jon Bon Jovi can be on stage for 48 hours.
Peak performance and peak awareness are key assets both parties have to possess in order for it to work out.
That’s why I credit my lover for this as well. Most men would not be able to deliver a few hours of affair, anymore than they would do well being on stage and entertaining 50.000 people.
It’s a craft.
But before I was even consciously considering how being (mentally) present at a rock concert was similar to being with a lover, I noticed how the preparations were the same.
The looking forward to something, and mentally tuning into what is going to happen.
Sometimes I think it is because in recent years we (in the field of personal development) have put way too many eggs, if not all, in the basket of being present in the now.
The basket of mindfulness.
Peak experiences demand preparation time, which are not in the present time. They are about bringing the energy of a future experience towards the now. Not in the way that you can say:
“You have to do this and this *checklist given* and then you will have a great sexual experience slash great concert”
This goes way, way further than that.
This is about literally tuning into the energy, the emotion of what is about to happen. This is about ritual and mental preparation, much more than a physical one.
I shower, shave, groom, and carefully select my clothes.
I know where we are going, buy tickets, visit the venue and make sure I know any additional and specific information that could come in handy.
One fan from New Jersey who was following the tour for ten days, whom I helped out with a rubber band and plastic foil to cover her water bottle, because our caps were confiscated at security, called me:
The best prepared fan she had ever met.
I know all about coming prepared.
If you see your lover only occasionally, you have a routine of not leaving anything to chance.
It wasn’t in the plastic foil or the rubber band, anymore than it is in the lube or the condoms I bring. I could lose them halfway, or forget to put them in my bag. The real effect comes from the thinking it through beforehand.
So in preparing for the concert, I recognized my routines from preparing for my lover.
And when I was there at the venue, without checking my phone for the entire day and totally present during every minute of the show, I knew this was so familiar to me, because this zoning out of reality and tuning into a whole new world, was what I had been doing for four and a half year with my lover.
But there was one thing that happened, that I did not expect.
Just like my affair had prepared me for a great concert, the Bon Jovi concert in turn, learned me to be even better at my affair.
Firstly, my experience to absorb energy was heightened.
After the concert, my gums were tingling. Something I only have after an orgasm. It made me aware that even without sex (I wasn’t even aware I had a body, during the concert), and without physical proximity or touch, I can collect, receive and generate, energy.
And at my next encounter with Mr.Big I used that.
Because I knew I didn’t technically need the sex anymore, to get something overwhelming out of it I started soaking up the energy at a much earlier phase.
During the concert it had been during the song “Lay your hands on me” when I had surrendered even deeper.
Now I play with that.
Knowing there is always a deeper layer of surrender.
You just have to dare to let go and drop into it.
Until your gums are tingling and you come out shaky and emotional.
I cried in his arms after, and with the Bon Jovi concert the postpartum cry came as I was doing the dishes around midnight.
It’s not even grief: It what comes after the beauty of being overwhelmed.
The second part where the Bon Jovi concert has altered how I am with my lover, is in the time afterwards.
What I need to unwind.
Before the Bon Jovi concert, I was unable to function in the normal world, basically for weeks, but the last 72 hours it was hopeless.
So I “just” postponed everything to the day after the concert: For sure I would be able pick it up then, right?
What the Bon Jovi concert taught me is that just as I needed time to build up towards it, I needed at least half of that time to cool down.
I made videos.
But most of all I did nothing, just processing my thoughts.
I was already starting to forget about that, but when the day after I saw my lover, I was suddenly really tired, I remembered:
Take your time.
As long as you need to.
Don’t rush from one peak experience into the next mundane thing on your calendar or your to-do list.
That taking time afterwards, weeks if needed, is another key to having peak experiences.
I will never forget that.
Great pleasure comes with great pain
At the concert and at my last encounter with my lover, I had not yet started looking for help with my mental health.
Now don’t panic – I m okay.
It’s just that compared to other people I m a bit extreme.
It’s kind of a my way or the highway situation here, where I just don’t understand how most people can work so hard, in real jobs.
How can you give 40 hours a week to a job without losing your mind?
As someone who has supported her freestyle writing “career” teaching a few yoga classes a week, I just couldn’t get my head around it. Not even now, when I don’t teach group classes anymore and haven’t figured out where the money is going to come from.
Just that I don’t feel like parting with my whatever-the-fuck-I-want-to-do creative lifestyle.
After many frustrating weeks and conversations with professionals, I finally got a couple of preliminary observations that were worth checking out.
The most remarkable one, and one I had actually suggested myself, is autism.
Autism would explain why I hang on to writing and fear having it being taken away. Because writing can then be seen not so much as a tool for personal development (which I ve always considered it) but as a coping strategy to deal with life in general.
A survival thing.
Autism would relabel writing from a passion into a necessity, which definitely feels closer to the truth.
But an autism diagnoses would also put my sexual preferences into a broader perspective: As an autistic woman, it would make total sense that I find sex and a concert overwhelming, and something I need to recover from.
It explains both the intense pleasure, as well as the pain afterwards.
I had a meltdown the week after the concert, that was so bad, I don’t even want to think about it. Ultimately I wrote about it (Always, a concert inspired story), once I got my head straightened out on that one.
Autism would also offer an interesting neurological perspective to why I m monogamous. And that although I will never exclude having two or even three lovers in the future – providing I m madly in love – it certainly explains why I prefer to keep it at one and rule out one-night stands or short affairs.
Unless it would be with Jon Bon Jovi himself, I guess.
Monogamy as a neurological disorder where I poorly handle change, offers an interesting perspective on why I like this mistress thing so much.
But the pain…. oh the pain!
Every time I think I know what’s coming, I don’t see it coming.
There’s the meltdown after the concert.
But I also remember the meltdowns of having my heart broken, once in 2008 by my first secret lover and once in 1989 (by a boyfriend who looked like Jon Bon Jovi)
Damn, they were ugly meltdowns!
With my current lover too:
The first months, I felt absolutely horrible the day after.
Like my heart had been ripped out and stepped on, from not being “his” woman.
Becoming a mistress who enjoys herself was not something that came easily.
The penny started dropping years ago, when I was still single from 2007-2015, and it was not an easy lesson to learn:
With great pleasure comes great pain.
The sorrow the morning after is linked to the pleasure the night before.
You can’t avoid one, without the other.
The meltdown in the week after the Bon Jovi concert, was similar to the meltdown after my first lover, in 2008.
And when I met my current lover in 2015, the fear that I would get my heart broken and end up crawling over the kitchen floor in tears was still omnipresent.
I honestly didn’t know if I would survive that another time.
But in the end I risked it.
I think with the Bon Jovi concert too, I would get better at it. That falling as deep as I did, is not necessary. But you have to train it, you can’t fly immediately.
And some pain will always be there.
Just like I have with my lover, even now, over four years in.
I m still jealous, and feel uncertain. It’s just that I now realize it makes our time together all the sweeter.
In the notes I read something I have used in the erotic story, I wrote earlier:
That I climax easily from penetration.
In missionary or when I sit on top.
It’s just that when we turn around to doggy style, it almost immediately becomes excruciating. Now since we both know this, it has its own charm.
Because sometimes you want it to hurt.
And he knows it, and he plays with it.
But nevertheless, it is strange to have such a position predominantly being about pain, or fear of pain, when you have another position that for the majority of women would never be enough to have an orgasm, and yet for me it brings pleasure.
Pleasure that I can surrender to, deeper and deeper still.
But if you turn the pleasure around, you have the same amount of pain.
You can learn to cope with the pain and even play with it.
But ultimately you can’t have pleasure without pain.
You can’t be a woman in love, without coming to terms with being hurt.
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Woman in Love | how a Bon Jovi concert turned me into a better lover
is the seventh chapter of
7-figure Rock Star Writer part 5: “1994”: fanfic inspired erotica
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