Submission

The reason I chose this picture is because I couldnt find an appropriate one of a dominant man. Not without getting myself into trouble anyways.

Thirty minutes, excluding looking for a picture, but including editing, posting and sharing on social media.
That’s how long I will spend writing a daily blog post and that’s ALL it will ever be.
Until death do us part.
Us, in this case, is me and my imaginary master and lover Writing, with whom I have been for thirteen years.
The final six months had been a monogamous relationship until the six hour blog posts had robbed me of my days, my friends, my Life. My income.
It was no longer sustainable, and I ended what we had.
For good.
Bye bye writing, I love you, but I just can’t.
You’ve become too demanding, and you’ve taken over my life. Which would be cool if you could provide me with food and shelter in return. And we could afford cats.
Then I would forgive you the isolation, and the way you have been straining all of my friendships because of the blogging.
But given the circumstances I just can’t forget what you’re costing me.
I ve lost many friends, and I am looking forward to being normal.
But then something happened.
No: Two!
Two things happened.
Basically within a week after ending things with Writing, I could feel my strengths decreasing. Writing had put me in a place of power, and although I was fine with quitting exercising power through writing, whether it had been unconsciously or not, I had not foreseen the ACTUAL loss of power.
That not being behind my desk doing what I do best, was like Samson cutting off his hair: A very bad idea.
I solved that by starting a video series My Life in Bon Jovi Songs, which is running on my YouTube.
“Being” LS Harteveld (my pen name, and unofficially also my most real name) in front of the camera, and telling the same stories I would normally blog about, I got access to the same energy as when you, Writing, and me, were still together.
And for two weeks I did feel like I had made the right choice. Or “right” was not even the correct word! I had made the ONLY choice I could have made!
Writing six hours a day, is not sustainable if you re not providing for us.
Period.
It was hardly out of free will, more a survival instinct. We had been heading for a life of poverty, even homelessness.
You had left me no choice.
But even after I started making videos, and I reclaimed the version of myself I had been with you, there was this male voice, husky and tempting:
“Was if you lose me?
What if I, Writing, move on to somewhere else? To someone, my Love. And when your fingers hit that keyboard, three months, three years from now, or maybe even three days from now; Nothing comes out.
There will be emptiness, where I once was.
Will you regret it then, not giving your life to me, my Love?”
And I said to writing:
“I want you back. I love you, life without you is driving me crazy.
Today I made a video about submission in relationships, and all I could think of was you. Well, you and Mr.Big my lover, but definitely you too!
And I realized that’s what I had liked about you and me. Us.
That you were demanding and that I could submit.
I will submit to you again, my Lover. I will be with you thirty minutes a day.
And write myself into submission.
That’s how it will be.
My Love.”

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

About this blog

Is the first chapter of
7-figure Rock Star Writer part 3: Submission

The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

My video series My Life in Bon Jovi songs is posted on my YouTube

Follow on Facebook or Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

My diaries en erotica are available at 
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

Nederlandse boeken kun je ook direct bij mij bestellen

coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2019
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit (Dutch)

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

Newborn Mata Hari (Mensa member) calls for duty

A highly-sensitive narcissist, on the autism spectrum.
That’s how close I got without knowing what I know today:
Which is that I m more of a Mata Hari, than a psychiatric patient.
Although one does not exclude the other, obviously.
Running by the three earlier observations:
1. Highly sensitive
I can see right through people and the dynamics underlying social situations. To me (almost) everybody in the room is naked, and I m the one pretending they’re not, because I know that they don’t know I see this.
And I don’t want to see it, either.
I remember a friend once pulling me out of my bubble, asking me what I thought of a couple with children, I had diligently been avoiding looking at.
She was studying them, and it was obviously far less excruciating for her than for me.
And she called me out, asking what my thoughts were.
“They don’t want to be together. The parents are hiding behind their phones, and they’re annoyed with the children because they’re not playing along with the facade.
They’re projecting everything that’s wrong between them, on the behavior of the children, who are painfully acting out their unconscious feelings.
There is a possibility those are not his children.”
My friend was offended that I was “seeing too much into it”.
I was offended she had pulled me out of my bubble for something she was obviously not ready to hear.
It was one of the few times we had an argument and I never made the mistake again of telling her what I knew.
2. Narcissist
The only professional psychology test I ever got, did show I had narcissistic tendencies, but other than that I have no proof that I am one. I started studying them, because I suspected the men I was dating of having narcissistic tendencies.
And that it was the part about them I liked.
So that was the original reason I came into contact with the disorder. I particularly admire their war tactics: Something I call mirroring.
Narcissists use your own fears against you.
The way they do that is by an abuse now commonly referred to as “gas lighting”. And victims of gas lighting or narcissistic abuse, as it is also called, write entire books on the subject.
I browsed through one, but immediately tossed it aside the moment I saw the deplorable level of counter measures.
How you should say things like:
“As long as you’re shouting at me, I m not talking to you.”
Which I thought was ridiculous.
High-level gas lighting, does not include yelling. It includes YOU yelling!
If you still have to be educated on garden-variety verbal abuse, you won’t even stand a chance when a real narcissist gaslights you.
I have a rule: first one who yells loses.
First one who shows emotions, loses.
Now this is not the way I like to win.
I expect someone to have control over his feelings and be calculated in his responses. So to me, that you have someone facing you, who is verbally abusing you YOU ALREADY WON!
YOU might be the gas lighter of the situation!
I don’t care if an entire book on gas lighting says otherwise, but giving tips on how to deal with someone raising his voice and being verbally aggressive, means you re on a winning streak.
Still identifying as the victim, means you have no idea how this game is played.
It’s thoughts like these, that made me realize that although I think gas lighting is obviously abusive, it’s also a genius way of winning a fight.
In case you wonder how gas lighting works, it’s like this:
What a narcissist does is that he or she makes you aware of something that you deeply desire and want, or something you think you’re entitled to, by not giving it to you.
This could be anything:
Love. Money. Their allegiance. The truth.
Your rage is your frustration that they’re not playing your game.
Yet what it should be, is a moment for you to reflect on how badly it is you want this thing. Because it’s making you vulnerable for manipulation.
The only thing the narcissist has to do, is mirror that attachment back to you.
You can call that abuse, but I call that sheer brilliance.
My appreciation of narcissistic abuse skills, made me realize it was very likely I was one of them myself.
3. on the autism spectrum
My autistic side isn’t not being able to interpret other people’s emotions, since I m obviously very skilled at that.
But it’s in not having the skills to manipulate them. Or perhaps not having an interest in it.
Sometimes, when someone is really intelligent, they depict that in a movie as mathematical formulas popping up over a shot of the real world.
That he or she can see the physics behind what we perceive as reality.
This is the closest way to describe how I see the world too, and what my talents are: I can see the underlying forces that determine the outcome.
But what I can’t do, is influence them.
At some point I can tell exactly what the problem is, but not how to solve it.
And I m left wondering if I (or the other person, if I do it for someone else) wouldn’t have been better off not knowing.
This is my autistic side, I think: I m not able to translate my model to behavior that allows you to change the underlying dynamics that are causing the problems.
So 1, 2 and 3 were as close as I got over the years.
And they were able to explain for a lot of the problems I was experiencing in life, and in particular the feeling of disconnectedness.
Disconnectedness can come from all three of these things:
High-sensitivity.
Narcissism.
And autism.
To me, and I know this is not everybody, but to me almost every social interaction is burdened with so many loose ends. I always end up feeling shaken, and it takes an hour or more to process it afterwards.
To let things fall into place.
The biggest mistake I have made in the past is not seeing this as a given, and thinking there was something that could be said or done to make it right.
An email, or an app.
But there isn’t.
Obviously, if things are really serious you should not leave them up in the air. But the eerie feeling after parting, is the residue of human interaction.
It’s taking on the guilt or responsibility for what you might have caused, good or bad, in the other. And processing what the other has touched in you.
If you try to sort that out by a simple text “Hey! Still thinking about you! That was fun.” it only adds to the confusion because you re expecting the other to reward you by sending you a response. And the work of processing it doesn’t get done.
An app or message can even entirely derail it, afterwards!
I used to experience it only after sex, or in the context of dating. That icky feeling after saying goodbye of something just not being quite right.
A desire to know you re still on the same page.
But don’t!
Don’t text!
Instead give it time to pass.
What you can do is start a new project, or focus on your planning for the upcoming week. Take a few hours off and do something fun (alone!).
Anything to bring the focus back to yourself.
So as you can see, I ve always tried to explain myself.
In this post I ve elaborated on labels from psychology, that might apply to me, but I ve used many things.
Astrology, where I let my strong Scorpio ascendant explain my dark sides.
Myers-Briggs, where I was misdiagnosed an extrovert (ENFP), but then rediagnosed an introvert (INFP) and that explained for many things.
I’ve tried on the Enneagram, Gretchen Rubin’s four tendencies test, Energy Profiling by Carol Tuttle and so on.
And every one of these brought me something.
Just like using the terminology of psychology explained for a lot of things.
But what I did not see until yesterday, was something that flawlessly delivers an explanation for 99% of the whole bunch:
My intellect.
My brain is like this superpower that processes everything you throw at it, and then it spits out a model, a formula, an explanation.
I really am the Good Will Hunting of social interaction, where I can see things others can’t.
Not because I m paranormal, highly sensitive, autistic, a Scorpio or a 4 or a 7 Enneagram.
But because I m brilliant.
I have no idea if I would qualify for Mensa, and belong to the top 2% based on my IQ. I ve never gotten further than around 125, and that was not even an official test, but me and a friend using library books.
So it’s not that I m going to pretend I “know” I m highly intelligent by any official standard. But if I view things from the perspective, of me being highly intelligent, I m done.
The strongest argument for this, is that my disconnectedness vaporizes the moment I m talking to someone who is traditionally highly intelligent.
And I feel even more at ease, when I am with someone who is equally skilled as I am, in seeing through social situations. So that I can be honest on why I m not attending an event or party and say:
“I m sorry, but there are so many issues going on in your family. I don’t want to be the lightning rod that everybody becomes fixated on.”
And not have to resort to half-truths of me being an introvert and just not liking parties.
So although I have a click with anyone with a high IQ, it’s in particular when they’re really smart socially, that I feel comfortable around them.
They understand my choices to stay away from situations where I have to navigate around everything I see happening without stepping on any toes.
And that it’s excruciating.
I can’t say I never have issues with intelligent people. There can be conflicts of interest. For example, I am a mistress, a sexual preference that makes it ideal for me to be the secret lover. It also makes me the natural enemy of many married women.
I respect that.
But it’s only when they feel threatened by my intellect when it becomes dangerous.
Because in general intelligent women do not try to protect their men. They’re not that jealous. They’re like: “If he wants to go, he’ll go. There s not much I can do about that.”
So even that antagonist position I m in, is not that much of a problem, as long as they are not intimidated by me. As long as they stand their own ground, we’re fine having a conflict of interest.
And the other way around:
When I m technically on the same side of people who do feel threatened by my mental powers, it doesn’t work. Total disconnect.
Passive aggressive gossiping and sulking from their side, and frustration from mine of “Why are they not getting that I m on their side!”
Because me having brains is enough reason to feel threatened, that’s why.
I feel I am like Mata Hari:
Someone whose intellect and ability to understand complicated political structures was beyond belief. And she even hid behind the same sexual mask as I do.
She was an exotic dancer and I am a mistress.
But in the end her ability to profit from her talents was limited, and she was killed because she had become a double spy who knew too much.
Maybe that’s what I can learn from her:
With a mind like this I should only play on one side.
Mine.

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

My video series My Life in Bon Jovi songs will be posted on my YouTube

My diaries en erotica are available at 
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

Nederlandse boeken kun je ook direct bij mij bestellen

About this blog

Is the twelfth chapter of
7-figure Rock Star Writer part 2: 
Always eat the marshmallow

The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

Follow on Facebook or Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2019
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit (Dutch)

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

Damn… The crush on Jon Bongiovi I did NOT see coming.

No, key thing here is not the looks.
We’ve been wrong for three decades, Ladies.

There were a lot of things I was expecting, when I started this new YouTube project.
It was called:
My Life in Bon Jovi songs.
Naturally I expected a wild and exciting trip down memory lane.
In particular to the eighties.

Memories of the boyfriend who looked like Jon Bongiovi, had already been making a speedy comeback since I bought the ticket to this summer’s Bon Jovi concert.
And memories of attending my first concert at 16 years old (Bon Jovi 1988);
All to be expected.

I kept following their music into the 90s, although more in the background.
In 1989 I made a hard switch to Guns N Roses.
Now hold on! In my defense, the Jon Bongiovi boyfriend had split on me.
All records we had been listening to together, were tainted.

I had to move up, to a place where I could reclaim my own identity, somewhere he wouldn’t follow me.
Guns N Roses was that place.
I actually received a letter from him, that he liked that side of me. He’d obviously much rather have me all badass and angry listening to Guns N Roses, than the wrecked girl I was when he broke my heart.
Maybe because of this appreciation, I went “away” even further. Guns N Roses could stay, but I added Megadeth, Death Angel and Queensryche too.

All musical blocks I placed between my former boyfriend and me, that screamed:
“Go away! Take your new girlfriends which will no doubt be dumped after three, four months just like I was AND BE GONE THY DEVIL!”

In the early nineties I ran into him: my feelings for him were gone.
Guns N Roses had done its cathartic work of reshaping me.
In 1994 I let all hard rock go, and became a Madonna fan.
For life.
But what I failed to see for a very long time – actually until the recent Guns N Roses concerts here in Nijmegen- is that it was never Madonna’s music that I was a fan of.

It was HER.
She helped me to reinvent myself, just like heavy metal had helped me to become my own woman.
In 1998 Madonna created the album with the most guitars on it: Ray of Light.
To this day, that one is my favorite.
And to this day, if I put on a Guns N Roses record I come to life. I start breathing. When Guns N Roses played Nijmegen a few years back, I put on Appetite, probably for the first time in a decade or more.
Hearing Slash’s guitars in the Welcome to the Jungle intro?
MAN! Hello LIFE!!
My heartbeat went up, and I quit my job as a yoga teacher after 15 years.
Or at least that’s one way to look at it! LOL
It really brought back my former strength. 
But I wasn’t expecting that type of impact, listening to Bon Jovi. Not at all. Maybe because the music was still contaminated, too much associated with being hurt so badly?
Or maybe because, as opposed to Guns N Roses, Bon Jovi had been making new music.
They had put out so many records, and I had not even listened to any of them since 2005, 2006.
Maybe I felt guilty for neglecting them. I don’t know.
Anyway, when they announced they were coming to Nijmegen, I bought a ticket and the records I was missing.
(oh I know about Spotify. Doesn’t count. I wanted CDs!)

I was pleasantly surprised by their latest record, This House Is Not For Sale.
I m now a few months further along the road and I haven’t studied their music as intensely as I would have liked. But something else happened.
The yoga studio which I basically tried to blow up after my Guns N Roses burst of power, kept coming back to me…

Three times I tried to stop my work as a yoga teacher. I even resigned my company from the Chamber of Commerce.
But it kept boomeranging back to me. 

Now I can see why that was.
Because to me teaching yoga, being an entrepreneur, and being a writer are all linked. They’re all part of Me, Creative Me. I can’t cut the parts that aren’t making enough money, and replace them with other more monetizable activities.
Doesn’t work like that.
If I want a chance of a happy life I need to keep being a yoga teacher, AND an entrepreneur, AND a writer (obviously).
No cherry picking allowed.
So I kept the studio, registered my company again, and I started teaching privates (under my real name, not LS Harteveld).
And in all honesty, I ll just get a real job, if that doesn’t start paying the bills. But I won’t stop being an entrepreneur/yoga teacher/ writer ever again.

The moment when I was at my yoga studio for the first time in months, and I put This House is Not for Sale in the cd player, was magical.
I set each stone and I hammered each nail
This house is not for sale
Where memories live and the dream don’t fail
This house is not for sale
Coming home
I’m coming home
So in retrospect that was the reason I didn’t actually dive head first into catching up with the ten plus years worth of Bon Jovi albums I had missed.
I was too busy saving myself.
Getting my life back on track.
But yesterday, I felt light and I knew the time had come to dive into Bon Jovi, and the project My Life in Bon Jovi songs came along.
I made a video on You give love a bad name, and today I started mapping out all songs I wanted to cover.
Counted the days until the concert, the number of episodes I intended to make. It was fifty-eight.
I created a playlist with all albums from Slippery when Wet until This House is Not for Sale, with the intention to keep culling it until I had my 58 favorites. How hard could that be?
58 Is so many, many songs!
So I started listening, and immediately had my First of the Mega Epiphanies.
Listen to this song:
No.
Wait.
PRETEND you’re a fourteen year old girl. You have successful, but fearful parents who tend to be on the overprotective side. So naturally you’re scared too.
You like boys, but feel incompetent at getting one who’s interesting, and “up for the job” so to speak.
You like the pretty boys.
You ALWAYS like the pretty boys…. the macho men. You may be a virgin, and you may not be the most popular girl in the class (You have friends but in general girls or girl-groups are of no interest to you) but you know these boys everybody says are players, will break your heart.
And also that they’re the only ones you re interested in.
You don’t care about the prize.
There is no way you’ll ever settle for safety, over the magnitude of your feelings when you’re really in love.
But you’re 14 and you’re barely even properly kissed.
Part of you is starting to lose faith, that you will have the sex life, the boy, the LIFE you deserve.

Everybody seems so used to life being grey, filled with 80s angst…
And then, you buy a Bon Jovi album, basically because you like their first two singles, and you put the cassette in the player.
And you hear
THIS
Let it Rock.

!!!

If there ever was an over- the-counter-sexual-awakening available, it has to be the Slippery When Wet album. And in particular it’s in that first song, that motherfucking build-up that even a virgin can feel in the parts of body that aren’t touched yet.
It was my own dormant sexuality that resonated with Bon Jovi. I honestly didn’t understand (to a degree, I still don’t) why not everybody was a Bon Jovi fan. Or if you don’t like Bon Jovi, then why not everybody was a fan of something heavier.
But now I have a theory:
You have to have to be able to deal with that kind of sexuality, those feelings being drawn out of you. I love that. Still do. The biggest problem between me and yoga, was that I like the energy going up.
Not down.
Rise, rise, rise, and then we lick the flames and ride the waves. Feel we’re alive.
At my most controversial moments with my students, I would share what I will see as my most honest yoga message:
“If you can have sex instead of coming to yoga? I don’t even want to see you in class.”
That’s rooted there, in my sexuality as a teen. It’s rooted in Let it Rock.
That was my first big epiphany, that I realized I had found my sexual power in Bon Jovi songs.
But the second one was….wow…. I don’t know how to say this?
And this is not just a Bon Jovi thing, I ve made this mistake over, and over, and over again:
To think there is something as falling in love with someone’s looks.
There is always more.
Maybe for other people (men?) there can be such a thing as lusting after someone, but there was so much more to Jon Bongiovi than what met the eye.
I can’t blame myself, not really, for not picking that up when I was still that young.
The roles between us were very clear:
I was the teenage fan, the young girl.
And he was the idol, the rock star who traveled the world.
He was ten years my senior, so even from that perspective, there was no way this could be viewed as something “real”.
But in selecting the 58 Bon Jovi Songs of my life, I encountered many lyrics I had never heard. And since December (when I bought the ticket) I ve also been listening to their album presentation from This House is Not for Sale:
An intimate one-off concert in a theater, with a lot of talking, in between the brand new songs.
By Jon.
So before I started going through the hundreds of songs, to select the ones I would use for my series My Life in Bon Jovi Songs, I had been “prepped” by this concert, the album presentation.
Which is almost like a confession, a redemption, a rebirth.
It was Jon looking back on thirty years and everything that had passed.
He didn’t talk about how he singlehandedly saved the band in the early nineties.
When all five members, burned out by years of touring, were starting to turn on each other.
Jon stepped in.
Fired all management.
Appointed himself boss, put all others on the payroll and hired a mediator to help them talk through their hurts and patch up the mental wounds ten years of building their band and touring, had inflicted.
What a brave and at the same time incredible sad move to make. To have to make. To realize that either you’re gonna step up as a leader, or your life’s work and everything you’ve build will be torn apart, with all parties bickering over it.
The second crisis was in 2013 when Richie Sambora left the band.
Neither one of the two events were named during the album presentation, but plenty of other stories were.
And I think it was mostly the vulnerability in Jon’s voice that really struck a cord with me. Clearly uncomfortable doing so much talking instead of singing, the nerves added to the realness of it.
The rawness, of this man pulling his band, his friends, all the way from the early eighties to December 2016.
And as the bandleader he had to live with the mistakes he made.
It was the most moving Bon Jovi performance I ever saw.
So I was familiar with their present work, and their current mood (nourishing memories, holding things together), when I started going through the material.
But nothing could have prepared me for what happened.
And this is something I could have known, because I had heard actor Rami Malek say this when he was studying Freddie Mercury for the movie Bohemian Rhapsody.
Rami spelled out all lyrics and he had been captivated at how close he could get to Freddie.
How honest and transparent he had been. All that time.
That’s exactly what happened to me, listening to Bon Jovi.
How emotional it was.
It’s not that I m ashamed of being aggressively into Guns N Roses, and worse, after my boyfriend left me. Statements had to be made, bridges had to be burned, and strong measures were needed to learn how to back myself and not get crushed by the heartbreak and my overprotective parents.
And then I m not even speaking of the need to distance myself from my peers at university and everyone was Just. So. Bland.
I understand what happened there.
Bon Jovi left too much room for interpretation.
It wasn’t blunt enough.
But going through, I don’t know, three-hundred songs, some of which I had never heard before, what struck me was that the topics were remarkably consistent.
The power of friendship, family, your own past.
Love for women, sex, and guitars.
There seemed to be multiple affairs that had made it to paper, because they had left Jon feeling shaken and confused.
Record after record, from songs like Wanted Dead or Alive to The Scars on My Guitar, there is a terrible amount of love and vulnerability going on.
And what happens when someone shows you their heart?
You show them yours.
In hindsight my crush on Jon Bongiovi never had anything to do with his looks, and everything to do with what was underneath.
As must have been the case with my teenage courtship with his look-a-like.
I had been drawn to the deep waters of their minds, that’s what I had been staring at. Not at their striking features.
If there is anything I ve learned from this, it’s that there is no such thing as getting over someone.
No such thing as moving on.
Matters of the heart cannot be undone and their roots run a lot deeper than most of us are comfortable with.
Except maybe for Jon Bongiovi.

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

My video series My Life in Bon Jovi songs will be posted on my YouTube

My diaries en erotica are available at 
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

Nederlandse boeken kun je ook direct bij mij bestellen

About this blog

Is the twelfth chapter of
7-figure Rock Star Writer part 2: 
Always eat the marshmallow

The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

Follow on Facebook or Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2019
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit (Dutch)

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

How I pretend I am *insert kitty*. How I really am *massive decorated skull*

Today I was at The Fuzz, and a friend took this picture of me.
We were talking about me kind-of aspiring getting a real job, but then not-really.
Or really not.
Me wasting an hour writing an email for a job as a host/spokes person, then deleting it, and deciding that I just wasn’t ready.
Not for the normal jobs.
You see, the problem is, that I ve just reestablished my yoga business.
My rebooted career as a private yoga teacher, starts tomorrow.
Last week was fully dedicated to recent cat developments; After stay-over cat K, I will have two new permanent feline residents Z and F!
So I haven’t done any of the marketing activities I thought I would do.
But yeah! I AM A YOGA TEACHER AGAIN!!
Then why am I also looking for a job?
Why am I so NOT backing myself on this one?
It disgusted me, it really did. But the photo also illustrated to me, what I had failed to see: That I was overtaxing a side of me, that was actually really small.
See that kitty in the right bottom corner?
That is my monetizable side.
That is the caring, loving, child-like emphatic side. The popular side, also.
The little kitty is what I am under my real name.
Now, see the massive skull, towering over me?
That’s my inner world.
The me under my pen name, Lauren Harteveld. This is far from a mask: this is the real me.
The writer, the thinker, the rebel, the wise. The real me is a mighty ally but an even mightier foe. The one who defies all danger because she knows death and she is not afraid of it.
The only thing that keeps me from it, are my cats, which is why I came dangerously close to death in 2018.
So if there is anything within me, of which I ve got plenty, and that I can monetize without giving away anything I have a scarcity of, it’s her.
With my private yoga practice, I m already sharing the little kitty side of me.
The only thing I ve got in spades, is the real me.
The skull.

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

My diaries en erotica are available at 
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

Nederlandse boeken kun je ook direct bij mij bestellen

About this blog

Is the eleventh chapter of
7-figure Rock Star Writer part 2: 
Always eat the marshmallow

The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

Follow on Facebook or Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2019
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit (Dutch)

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

When doves cry. Why I m pulling back this coaching and yoga biz.

I really wondered how I was going to tell you.
That it wasn’t working for me.

And although I don’t regret just going for it, and making my first coaching offer Saturday March 9, and my first yoga offer on my Dutch Harteveld site only four days ago (!) things have changed.
And I did not see this coming, although in hindsight…. yes, I could have.
Let me start with a small recap:
I ve been a writer under pen name LS Harteveld since 2006, and I have ten books out. Four new ones are snuggled up somewhere in my computer, because I have not been seeing them a lot, lately. So for the past 13 years I ve been a writer and a publisher.
But I m best known locally, as a yoga teacher under my real name. 
I ve been teaching group yoga from 2003-2018 when I quit my business because it wasn’t making enough money. I didn’t seem to have the stamina to save my business by (also) teaching privates.
My heart didn’t seem to be into it, I don’t know. It was all a bit strange.
Perhaps because making the switch from groups to privates turned out to be about a lot more than just a new business model. A lot of stuff came up. 
About the nature of yoga, and about my own nature (being an introvert). I felt guilty over a variety of things.
For having executed such a profession, that I seriously questioned.
That yoga was energetic micro-management compared to just letting your passion and your sexual juices flow, and step out of your post-Christian box of what’s right and wrong.

That was one of them.
But I also felt guilty (and this is contradictory) both for being an introvert and therefor always feeling bad after teaching – like you ve given everything, yet were unable to connect with anyone specifically in a group setting, and therefor go home feeling shaky and vulnerable.
Yet I also felt bad for not having been able to make the studio work and save their group classes, or at least not on the schedule or locations that they preferred.
It felt like I was letting them down times triple.
My principal concerns.
The introvert thing.
And ultimately not being able to offer continuity.
That continuity, and offering the same thing year after year, was one of the major reasons I looked forward to dropping it, didn’t seem to matter. All I felt was this massive guilt and shame.
So when I started fresh, here under this name, where I would teach about the macros of energy management, and unlocking the big pots of energy and not just the cups, I was serious about picking up coaching and teaching yoga as LS Harteveld.
I was looking forward to it.
But two things happened, almost simultaneously.
It was a slippery slope that started almost immediately after creating the coaching offer, and ended yesterday, when I made the decision to pull back my yoga and coaching offers for LS Harteveld.
The first thing that happened in this month, was that
I created an offer teaching yoga privates under my own name.
The coaching offer had sparked this!
Don’t ask me how that works, but apparently designing a no holds barred coaching offer for women under your identity of choice, LS Harteveld, leads to feeling inspired to start teaching the sweetest, cutest, version of yoga imaginable. Under your real name.
I referred to it as Fischer Price yoga, because it was childlike and innocent.
And I found myself looking forward to that, than to coaching or teaching privates as LS Harteveld.
Even though I had been claiming for months what I really wanted was to connect with people on the big stuff. Not on the “yoga”, which I deemed superficial.
It didn’t make sense AT ALL.
I had paved the way to go all in, coaching and teaching on the Sex Is Life And Success Thing (that was not the name of my program, but perhaps it should have been) and then I find myself looking forward to start teaching Fischer Price yoga?!
So that was an unexpected setback.
And the second one was:
I started to feel awkward sharing my true message.
The idea that I was now a professional coach and private yoga teacher, was holding me back from doing what I normally do, on this blog perhaps, but mainly on Twitter.
I felt super-conscious when I interacted with porn stars, something I had never felt weird about when I was “only” a writer.
But positioning myself as a professional on the same exact ideas I had written about for years on end, came with a kind of responsibility that I didn’t want.
I wanted to be free.
I didn’t want to make any money as a coach or yoga teacher, as LS Harteveld. It felt just as constrictive as being a yoga teacher under my real name had felt, those 15 years.
So I decided I would turn it ALL back.
This week I will clear all my accounts, rewrite all my bios, delete all my sales offers, until there is only one thing left:
This blog.
The one YOU are reading right now.
I may keep the Dutch blog on, should the mood strike ever again to write in Dutch.
Same with my YouTube:
I ll keep it on should I feel the urge to make a video.
But I don’t expect it.
And yet I also know I will need this account, these blog posts, more than ever.
That I will write, more than ever.
Because now that I have to keep that other account all Fischer Price, all light. Where else would I turn but here, to speak about the unspeakable?
The things that shake you, make you feel weird and insecure?
I have doves on my balcony. Originally I made an effort to chase them away, but the male stayed, and I gave up.
I even reversed some of the measures, so that it was a better hiding spot, and his girlfriend returned as well. I didn’t like her very much, maybe it was jealousy. But if the male liked her, that was all that mattered.
I wasn’t going to be a cock blocker.
Then last night she didn’t come home.
This afternoon I saw her. She was limping. She used the water I always have for them here. The seeds I give them each morning were already gone.
I felt bad for her, she looked like she needed saving.
After she left, and for unknown reasons, I leaned over the balcony to inspect the other balconies, or the building. I don’t know why I looked.
But I saw one balcony with spikes. Spikes designed especially to keep doves from landing on the balustrade.
It made me sick to my stomach, thinking how it must have wounded her.
And that I couldn’t do anything about it, except make her stay comfortable.
I started cleaning their corner, so that it would be more hygienic. I know dove droppings are dangerous, but I didn’t care. If God wanted me dead because I was taking care of his beings it was fine by me.
I cleaned the water.
And I realized that if people were paying me to be happy, and childlike, that I was in need more than ever, of a blog where I could share the nitty gritty painful stuff.
As tears started rolling down my cheeks.

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

My diaries en erotica are available at 
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

Nederlandse boeken kun je ook direct bij mij bestellen

About this blog

Is the tenth chapter of
7-figure Rock Star Writer part 2: 
Always eat the marshmallow

The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

Follow on Facebook or Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2019
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit (Dutch)

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

The guiltiest of pleasures is moving me to the bone

pink 80s interior, Desperately Seeking Susan

After watching Atomic Blonde, set in Berlin 1989, so often I knew its one-liners by heart (and the were a lot of them) I decided to go for the real thing.
Instead of reenacted 80s, I was going back to Desperately Seeking Susan, a movie from 1985, which was shot in the weeks Madonna became a worldwide star.
By the time filming was done, they had their own security to keep the fans from the set.
I saw the movie when I was the ideal Madonna fan age – 13 years old.
In hindsight the story of a suburban housewife becoming obsessed with the wild and free Madonna, was the patient zero story of Madonna wannabes.
I ve toyed with the eighties for a long time.
First time was in the 90s already, with the movie The Wedding Singer, which must have been the first 80s retro-comedy.
So far, my highlight has not been a movie but an entire 80s exposition in a museum.
With cabins where you could watch clips from Dynasty and Dirty Dancing.
Visit recreated teenager rooms with Duran Duran posters on the walls.
Play an old Pacman game.
And so on.
In the final room they had school agendas on exhibit, pasted cover to cover with clippings from idols.
The exact same agendas I keep in my filing cabinet.
So all in all my eighties obsession is nothing new.
But what is new is that for the first time I ve taken an interest in what I will call the “Miami Vice” look.
Atomic Blonde emphazid the black and white theme of the eighties, and neon colour, but sparsely used.
It was gritty.
Watching Desperately Seeking Susan again, I feel drawn to that pink, Miami-like look.
You remember? The one that also might have this green or mint in it.
I noticed it in a film, Madonna and the Breakfast Club.
After parting ways with Madonna, the documentary showed the album the band had made, a pink/mint 80s design.
(see photo)
That’s when I ejected my Atomic Blonde dvd from my player, after playing it weeks on end, and put Desperately Seeking Susan in.
Press play.
Ooohhhhh the pink! The pink interior that was used as a backdrop for the suburban housewife, was absolutely irresistible.
And down the rabbit hole I went!
I started listening to the Miami Vice soundtrack.
Visited secondhand stores for 80s things.
Asked the local bookstore when the school agendas would arrive.
And started fantasizing about revamping my yoga studio to an 80s interior!
My studio location is currently not operational, and it is unsure if it will be back up.
It’s up to the landlord.
It won’t affect my starting date, which is April 17. I m open for business, offering private yoga classes in Nijmegen. As I m renting space somewhere else.
But to just think that if I get my own location back up, I can redecorate it 80s style.
I haven’t been this excited since rediscovering Gerry the Cat.
That is the guy who created an entire stationary series in the 80s:
A stewardess drinking 7Up.
The star sisters.
And my personal favorite: Two girls blowing gum.
I will need a Gerry the Cat poster in my studio.
And I saw a photo online of an old-timer garage here in the Netherlands. The had invested in two palm trees and a cobalt blue carpet at the entrance of their showroom.
It’s things like that, that make my mouth water.
And my heart sing.

~Lauren
Follow the marshmallows. *

*) Follow the marshmallows is based on the idea that the most likely way God will show you your path, is by making it look urgent and/or very appealing.
You will feel an urge, a rush of energy, a pull towards it!
Like wanting to pick up teaching yoga 😉
It will actually require effort to not do it, to restrain yourself. 

Don’t restrain, eat the marshmallow.  And more likely than not, the second marshmallow will appear immediately after.

Work with me { my first sales page! } 

My diaries en erotica are available at 
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

Nederlandse boeken kun je ook direct bij mij bestellen

About this blog

Is the ninth chapter of
7-figure Rock Star Writer part 2: 
Always eat the marshmallow

The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

Follow on Facebook or Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2019
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit (Dutch)

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

The Magnetic Entrepreneur

It says entrepreneur but it could say anything.
Yogi.
Man.
Woman.
Warrior.
Mother.
Because today, just as I was preparing a Passion Planner (that’s a brand of agenda) to start functioning as my day to day calendar, I went through my list of goals as I see them today.
Over the last week I had come to realize that three aspects of my life, which I had seen as independent from each other, and therefor ultimately replacable should they fail to provide me the outcome I needed from them (even if that outcome was “joy”) I could not take that out, without suffering consequences in the other areas.
That my entire identity was carefully crafted around these things. And I had given up the dream to get a new career in business, in order to replace two out of three.
I had gotten far, far beyond the point of return.
This was who I was, these three areas were linked:
1. to be a yoga teacher
Either on YouTube, or writing books, or teaching private classes. And the most likely scenario was that it was going to be a combination of the three.
2. An entrepreneur, a marketer.
Writing for my business, or making videos, with something to sell at the end, is my ideal way of doing it.
Not art without context.
I like the incentive of having something to sell, even if no one would buy.
Being an entrepreneur structures my work as a creative.
3. Being a writer
Like today, with 30 minutes and pressing for time, what do I do? I write. Even when in theory making a short video for my YouTube would take less time.
I m first and foremost a writer.
Sometimes I m not even sure if I have it in me to build a following on YouTube. I keep doubting myself, if that’s the way to go.
I suppose now that I am selling yoga in Nijmegen, the answer will be Yes.
I do want people (you!) to connect with me energetically, which to me is video.
But I d rather write. Obviously. (I think I just answered my own question! lol)
(meaning: No, you should NOT do something that doesn’t lift you up in order to sell!)
Anyway, these three things:
Teaching yoga.
Being an entrepreneur aka selling something (yoga, books, coaching)
And writing.
Are interconnected. I can’t go around cherry picking if teaching yoga is not making enough money (as I initially did do, when I ended my yoga studio in group classes). I can’t end marketing if I think it’s costing too much time.
I can’t end writing either based on it being too time consuming, or feeling spent. Which I do.
So I knew all that by now.
I knew that even, worst case scenario, I had to spend an entire workweek in a regular job, I would still need to do my selling, my writing and my teaching in some form, or I wouldn’t do either one of them, and be stuck in a job with no life of my own.
I couldn’t just pick one of the three.
So I was setting up this Passion Planner, and it comes with cool mind maps where you draw out your goals into steps and plans.
Because I knew I would pick that up as well, and one of these days I would create a Mind Map for myself; I decided to just write out my goals and dreams one more time, on my own.
And deduct the key ingredients my life should have.
The main goals in my life are to be my own boss, and be from home for limited hours, so that I can have a nice life with cats and ample free time to do whatever I want.
And the second goal is to have a lover, or feel sexually attractive anyway, and feel good within my own body.
And I realized that for both goals the basic thing that was needed was the same:
To become (or be) magnetic.
Magnetic so people feel just as good as you do, and happy with themselves. And you make their day better, and everything feels light and easy for the both of you.
To be magnetic is the key thing for everything I want.
Which is why, coming back to the video example, I should not make videos unless I first feel really good. And then also, start paying attention what filming actually does to me.
Does it make me feel good, and more on fire?
Or does it deplete me, and start to doubt myself?
All energy I can’t spend on my clients, or other people I encounter.
To make feeling magnetic the prime focus of my day, feels like an absolute breakthrough in knowing what to do, or what not to do.
And writing this post, did not make me feel spent at all 🙂

~Lauren
Follow the marshmallows. *

*) Follow the marshmallows is based on the idea that the most likely way God will show you your path, is by making it look urgent and/or very appealing.
You will feel an urge, a rush of energy, a pull towards it!
Like wanting to pick up teaching yoga 😉
It will actually require effort to not do it, to restrain yourself. 

Don’t restrain, eat the marshmallow.  And more likely than not, the second marshmallow will appear immediately after.

Work with me { my first sales page! } 

My diaries en erotica are available at 
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

Nederlandse boeken kun je ook direct bij mij bestellen

About this blog

Is the eighth chapter of
7-figure Rock Star Writer part 2: 
Always eat the marshmallow

The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

Follow on Facebook or Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2019
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit (Dutch)

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

You re going to be amazed at what happens next


One of the first Tara Stiles videos 2008.

Dear Sara,

I don’t want to pretend the past two weeks were a steady, fast moving line going up.
Although it might be easy to conclude that, given the spectacular result.
Rather it was a steep line downhill, which bounced back after a 72 hour low.
Just.

So I m going to give you the management summary,
and I hope for all our sakes, this is the shortest email I ve ever written to you.
Because there is so much to say, attempting to actually explain myself is a lost cause to begin with.

All in all, I ve come to the conclusion that my creativity was intimately linked to my job as a yoga teacher.
Although I still stand by my decision to no longer focus on group classes, and can look back with compassion at my earlier attempt to try to switch to (also) teaching privates – I now see that taking this new yoga business out within months, because I failed to make it work, has had some unforeseen consequences:
Essentially, I lost myself.

Which is why I have chosen to become a private yoga teacher again, starting 17 April.
This is 16 years after teaching my first paid yoga class, the start of my career.
I ve already registered my yoga company, tomorrow night I have an appointment to take a look at a new yoga space.
I m going to teach under two different names:
My real name, where yoga will be tied to a childlike energy, like Fischer Price yoga! But it’s an energy of honesty, and vulnerability.
Instead of writing my, eh, Fischer Price yoga book!, I ve decided to share the schedules on my blog and create yoga videos to go along with it.
So I m curating the Dutch yoga book online and creating instructional videos, at the same time.
So Fischer Price yoga is under my real name.
As Lauren Harteveld however, yoga will not be Fischer Price at all, but linked to feeling your power as a woman.
I will support this with my Dutch LSH blog (the one I abandoned two weeks ago), and also tie this to my LSH YouTube channel and my work as a coach. 
And I ve refound my love for Tara Stiles, whose work I started following around 2009.
The prime of my yoga career!

Either way, to sum it all up, I ve chosen this direction, and feel really good about it. This way yoga, and creativity (as a writer and YouTuber) can co-exist. Like they always have.
If I had followed the pretty delusional call to become successful at working in a real job (I will refer to this as my “savior fantasy” where I m saved from being an entrepreneur) my creativity would not have been provided for.
Here are the ways teaching yoga, has sustained and inspired my writing: 

1. Yoga provided money, in other words, the means to write.
2. Yoga provided ample free time to write.
3. Yoga provided a topic to write about.
4. Yoga provided a reason to create, as all my Dutch content was linked to the yoga studio.
5. Yoga provided a reason to quit the desk work around 5
6. Yoga gave reason and meaning to the evenings, it provided much needed connection.
That is the main reason why my initial future dream job, on the payroll yet working from home with cats, is no longer my dream job at all.
I want to go out into the world and do something!
But unsurprisingly, I want it exactly on my terms. lol Yoga gave that.
2, 3 classes a day max.
So all in all, I started realizing that I missed the structure yoga had given me.
I have chosen to be a yoga teacher again, a private one. And a coach, but I already had that.
And if I have to take another job, because it’s not providing an income, than I will do that.
But I can’t NOT be a yoga teacher. Just like I can’t NOT be a writer (really)
And just like I can’t NOT do marketing, because I love that too.
Marketing = also my creative expression.
So being an entrepreneur, being a yoga teacher, and being a writer, are all intimately connected.
I quit writing diaries, personal things, a few weeks back. Because it was driving me mad.
But do you remember the book on consent play, in January?
The one that derailed my entire life?
By now I m convinced that didn’t have anything to do with the topic, as I originally assumed. It was because being a writer, without the yoga and the entrepreneurship, is painful.
And no joy at all.
The only way to restore writing, and making videos too, is by acknowledging that I don’t have a choice to become a successful business person, or Vice for someone else.
That was just a dream. (of being saved from myself)
This is who I am: An entrepreneur, a yoga teacher, a creator.
In no particular order, as long as it’s ALL of it.

~Lauren

Follow the marshmallows. *

my offer for private yoga will appear on my Dutch site:
Zeg maar Lauren

Upcoming:

I ve rebooted my YouTube Channel!
Subscribe to my YouTube and get my new daily videos. 

Yoga Challenge

After being brough back to basics by Tara Stiles, I remembered I have an entire archive on a yoga challenge I did.
It was 2011 I think, and it lasted for 21 weeks!
It’s a weekly challenge, based on the book Slim Calm Sexy Yoga
This was also the first yoga blog I ever had.
I m going to retrieve that diary, and their schedules, and reboot this home yoga challenge for this site.
Stay tuned!

*) Follow the marshmallows is based on the idea that the most likely way God will show you your path, is by making it look urgent and/or very appealing.
You will feel an urge, a rush of energy, a pull towards it!
Like wanting to pick up teaching yoga 😉
It will actually require effort to not do it, to restrain yourself. 

Don’t restrain, eat the marshmallow.  And more likely than not, the second marshmallow will appear immediately after.

Work with me { my first sales page! } 

My diaries en erotica are available at 
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

Nederlandse boeken kun je ook direct bij mij bestellen

About this blog

Is the seventh chapter of
7-figure Rock Star Writer part 2: 
Always eat the marshmallow

The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

Follow on Facebook or Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2019
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit (Dutch)

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

The thing that brought me back

There were multiple things that brought me back to yoga:
The realization that I had fallen in love with making yoga schedules, and my home practice. Right from my first yoga class!
I had already been doing these things late 90s, before I had even started my teacher training.
And I had also liked the private classes I had taught, especially in the final year my studio had existed. The 1-on-1s with these students, in my basement studio.
Yet I still had not decided I was going to make a come-back as a teacher.
Too hung up perhaps on not wanting to go freelance again, with something that had not provided a decent living in the final years.
So yes: I was going to pick up making yoga schedules, and do my own practice.
But no: I didn’t intend to make my living out of it because duh, that wasn’t working.
Instead, I was going to pursue a career in business, and no longer be bothered with the worries of running your own yoga studio in a market that had gotten increasingly competitive.
But the more concrete the career became (what business, what job) the less enthusiastic I became.
To make matters worse, in the meanwhile I had stopped writing.
Without my yoga classes at night to keep me grounded, and my 5 or 6 PM deadline to shut off my computer, my place in this world had become disturbingly unclear.
Was it really my purpose to just publish my four new books, and write a diary post each day?
How on earth was I going to fill my days, in a way that didn’t feel totally isolated?
The carefree writing I had planned on doing, unbothered by worries of having to “make” my studio work, turned out to be a trap…
So on one hand there were all these red flags surrounding my new job as an employee, and my side hustle as a writer.
And on the other hand there were these elements of yoga I had liked.
Not to mention the delicate equilibrium writing and yoga had turned out to be!
When I left my yoga studio behind in 2018, after teaching for 15 teaching and writing for 12 years, I had insufficiently realized, they had been a team.
The two had developed in conjunction.
And although it was understandable that I had cherry picked writing, and discarded yoga because it was no longer making enough money-
it was also not the end of the story.
Writing had never lived, without yoga.
As the months went by, and I grew increasingly desperate about my unsatisfactory writing and the big question of what to do with my life. It felt like I was going in circles.
And then little pieces of the puzzle started to appear. I wanted to coach, as Lauren Harteveld. I wanted to share my yoga schedules on my blog under my real name.
In the slipstream of sharing my yoga schedules there, the desire grew to to start teaching privates again as well.
And after setting up the idea to start teaching privates under my real name, I wanted to start teaching privates as Lauren Harteveld as well.
I have not created the offer yet, but it will be private yoga classes for women, here in Nijmegen.
Yet still, the vision wasn’t complete.
They were just pieces of the puzzle. I couldn’t feel what they were leading up to.
And then the strangest thing happened.
I saw a photo on Facebook from a Strala studio, the studio of Tara Stiles.
And I got it!
I reconnected back to 2005-2010 (rough estimate!) when I was suffering from Dutch yoga escapism, by reading Yoga Journals, an American yoga glossy, and also watching the earliest videos from Tara Stiles on YouTube.
By the time she released her book, Slim Calm Sexy Yoga, I practically camped on Amazon to be the first to order.
In the following years she became better known, and all her later books have been translated to Dutch.
But having that first one, still makes my heart sing!
And seeing that photo, from the Strala studio in New York, a place that no longer even exists because Tara Stiles and her family moved up into the mountains – but the picture of that studio brought me back to the time when my identification with being a yoga teacher had been strongest.
The urban, American, studio vibe I had been absorbing 2005-2010, or maybe 2011.
I saw that picture and I knew:
That is me.
THAT is my teaching vibe.
Tara Stiles may have moved up into the mountains to connect with nature, but here is where I dwell… here is where the heart is.
Inner city yoga life.
Between the cabs, the noise, the busyness.
I am an inner city private yoga teacher.
Namaste.

 

~Lauren
Follow the marshmallows. *

my offer for private yoga will appear on my Dutch site:
Zeg maar Lauren

Upcoming:

I ve rebooted my YouTube Channel!
Subscribe to my YouTube and be the first to get my new video Monday April 1

Yoga Challenge

After being brough back to basics by Tara Stiles, I remembered I have an entire archive on a yoga challenge I did.
It was 2011 I think, and it lasted for 21 weeks!
It’s a weekly challenge, based on the book Slim Calm Sexy Yoga
This was also the first yoga blog I ever had.
I m going to retrieve that diary, and their schedules, and reboot this home yoga challenge for this site.
Stay tuned!

*) Follow the marshmallows is based on the idea that the most likely way God will show you your path, is by making it look urgent and/or very appealing.
You will feel an urge, a rush of energy, a pull towards it!
Like wanting to pick up teaching yoga 😉
It will actually require effort to not do it, to restrain yourself. 

Don’t restrain, eat the marshmallow.  And more likely than not, the second marshmallow will appear immediately after.

Work with me { my first sales page! } 

My diaries en erotica are available at 
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

Nederlandse boeken kun je ook direct bij mij bestellen

About this blog

Is the sixth chapter of
7-figure Rock Star Writer part 2: 
Always eat the marshmallow

The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

Follow on Facebook or Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2019
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit (Dutch)

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

Be clear where you want to go, do research, plan your route. …I M KIDDING! JUST FOLLOW THE MARSHMALLOWS!

A week ago I made a seemingly insignificant decision for my business:
To stop writing in Dutch, under this name Lauren Harteveld.
I had a thousand reasons to do so.
Okay, just one – I wanted to focus on being a coach, not a writer.
But from that one decision,
a whole series of events unfolded.
All amazing stuff and currently I m entering the most daring, boldest two months of my life.
It s FULL-ON!
But exciting indeed.
As I m looking into how I want to proceed, I find myself thinking about repurposing an old website and an old domain name from my old yoga biz, to support my new local business, teaching private yoga.
But I just wasn’t feeling it, you know?
I have an incredibly cute alter-ego in Dutch, and from that place I ve made a soft launch, for this new yoga business.
It’s like the Fischer Price version of private yoga, so cute you can eat if with a spoon.
I love that.
But although I support the idea of setting up a “real” page, offering “real” private yoga, the kind that rock stars and badass men and women are on the lookout for and recommend to each other,
I just wasn’t feeling that vibe with this old professional website, which was tied to my old/ my real name. It felt like breaking a promise I made to myself half a year ago;
That I never had to work under my real name again, ever.
from now on, Lauren Harteveld would do all the work, earn all the monies, and she’d find a way one or another. Either working for a boss or for herself.
To breathe life into my new and exciting yoga business, but using my old website, didn’t feel expansive and joyful at all.
And then I got it!
Oh.My.God.
What if… what if!
I start teaching yoga locally, AS Lauren Harteveld!
What if I use my Dutch Lauren Harteveld site, the one where I had quit writing a week ago, and made that my site for private yoga and in person coaching here in Nijmegen?
I felt so excited, I started writing this blog post right away even though I m in the middle of composing a very important and complicated email to my accountant.
So you see?
I didn’t plan ahead at all, when I decided to quit writing about films and books, for my Dutch LS Harteveld site.
Yet after that, in the still after the storm,
my cute baby alter-ego picked up the idea to teach Fischer Price yoga.
And then, with my online coaching offer here on this site, and Fischer Price yoga locally, I got inspired to dial up the heat on my biz.
And started thinking about a professional yoga website;
and THEN (but only then!) the light bulb moment came to start teaching privates and do in person coaching as well, both as Lauren Harteveld.
Instead of just baby yoga 😉 locally
and online coaching.
So two new, very exciting things added to my business overnight.
If one week ago, I had been too fearful, or in doubt about quitting writing in Dutch, none of this would have happened.
Not Fischer Price yoga, for people who connect with the cutest, sweetest version of me.
Not in the person coaching, here in Nijmegen.
Not an entire new career of Lauren Harteveld teaching privates.
Nothing.
So you see:
Don’t plan anything.
All you have to do is walk away from what doesn’t feel right and take the step right in front of you. Even if, and maybe especially, if you cannot see the whole staircase.

Just follow the marshmallows.

~Lauren
Follow the marshmallows. *

This English post was a sneak peek!
My new Dutch/Nijmegen coaching and yoga offer will be posted here on a joyfully revamped Zeg maar Lauren,
page as soon as possible
Subscribe on that blog to get it in your mailbox.

*) Follow the marshmallows is based on the idea that the most likely way God will show you your path, is by making it look urgent and/or very appealing.
You will feel an urge, a rush of energy, a pull towards it!
Like wanting to pick up teaching yoga 😉
It will actually require effort to not do it, to restrain yourself. 

Don’t restrain, eat the marshmallow.  And more likely than not, the second marshmallow will appear immediately after.

Work with me { my first sales page! } 

My diaries en erotica are available at 
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

Nederlandse boeken kun je ook direct bij mij bestellen

About this blog

Is the fifth chapter of
7-figure Rock Star Writer part 2: 
Always eat the marshmallow

The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

Follow on Facebook or Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2019
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit (Dutch)

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.