The Summer Of Love Playbook

This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara
Before our call I always give her a headsup.

Dear Sara,

I have no idea how to live up to the idea of this title saying “playbook”.
b75330c6f6bf6be1ae0b5296367fb599But since everybody seems to be using that term nowadays, and on things that have absolutely nothing to do with play and are in fact more of the anti-play or dead-serious or boring-as-f book, I reckoned at least I would TRY to make it
inspiring and fun! 
And make a point there is a difference between serious playbooks and taking play seriously!
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So Summer Of Love Playbook it is.
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The last time we spoke, we had some great breakthroughs. I say “we” but I mean you had breakthrough thoughts, or I had breakthroughs that I would never have had without you.
So hail to you, and I m absolutely thrilled you have been coaching me for all these years.*
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One of the breakthroughs that stood out for me, was that I was still not grounded in my own sexuality, which on a practical level translated itself to being dependent on other people around me, and in particular my friend/ lover.
But it’s broader than that, I know it’s a pattern.
There are people to whom sexuality comes so easily, who are fearless of consequence and are just IN it! They are sexual spiritual naturals, completely in the now. 
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Which then of course results in complications because their partners want to claim that treasure for themselves!
So it’s not that they don’t have their own challenges in life.
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Imagine running around with your pockets full of gold, and people chasing you for your money.
That’s how they get chased. 
Just because it’s sex no one acknowledges there is a great inequality, and they’re claiming something that does not belong to them.
And I know, because I also chased the fortunate ones. Maybe even more deliberate because I knew what to look for and what to secure.
Instead of learning how to generate sexual wealth to fill my own pockets.
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It’s not my lover’s task nor the task of the liberated women, to share their wealth with me.
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I am planning my own summer of love, and rock my own sexuality.
Not to chase a sexual prince to first rob him and then beg him to stay so I can rob him more in the future!
That is not how this works.
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Have I told you we have boutique vaccinations in The Netherlands? 
It means we have all four vaccines rotating, but in very small quantities and you have to do your absolute utmost best to get your hands on one, and that is AFTER your year of birth has been opened up for application!
And then you just have to settle for whatever vaccine they gave to your year
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And if you book online you first go through a painstaking process that requires the installment of a minimum of one VERY privacy sensitive app on your phone, which I never intend to use ever.
It feels I m carrying my panties in a public place. On my head.
And then you get four options on three locations at a minimum of an hour door to door public transportation of your house.
Don’t book online!
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The only people who get to choose and will probably get that vaccine door delivered by a popular boy band are the ones who do not get vaccinated now, and just wait until “the price” goes up.
Only losers get vaccinated now, Sara.
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In 6 months you can get any flavor drop-in vaccinations at the mall.
Like it should.
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Oh and I m one of the suckers who of course scheduled her vaccinations regardless of the fact I know I m paying full price, and all the perks go to those who stand their ground but okay.
I want my summer of love! 
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So half July I m fully vaccinated, and although the test and trace regime is still identical for those vaxed and those not;
And therefor the social pressure and the fact that every social interaction can cost you 5 days of quarantine and two Covid test, also still persists;
And despite the fact that infections are on the rise in Britain, when that country is well under way to becoming fully vaxed.
Despite all those things I m calling it a day half July, Sara.
My summer of love begins, hell or high water.
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And together with some major decisions, inspirations and insights for my creative work, this has put a smile on my face no one can take from me!
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Already giving you the disclaimer that I m probably forgetting half of the things that make my heart sing, or that will eventually be the reason this whole thing succeeds, let’s get this thing on the road!
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Stopped with everything that was a great idea in theory

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The first point is one for the work under my real name, not for this alterego Lauren Harteveld where I don’t do anything I don’t want. Everything I write here, I can’t NOT.
Like today, I was also looking forward to do a financial project – more on that later.

But I just couldn’t!
This letter to you just wanted to be written and the words and sentences kept going on in my head.
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But for the work under my real name things have been a bit rocky because I lacked, and still lack really, clarity.
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There are so many topics I know I could write THE book about, a game changer. 
In particular in the field of non-monogamous relationships, just try to shut me up about it!
I even came up with a title for a book I could write in a weekend flat, if I wanted to. 
It would be called:
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UNBOUND
Reclaim your sexual integrity by quitting monogamy today!
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Probably to be improved by adding:
The playbook to, reclaim your sexual integrity by quitting monogamy today!
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And of course there is truth in that. There IS a story to tell.
But it is a story of privilege!
A story of “if all things in your life went super-well and then you skip getting kids and go all-in your sexuality and rock that shit!”.
Sure, then why in the flying fuck would you choose monogamy?
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But in essence, monogamy is a solution for existing problems, dressed up as a moral choice.
And not seldom, monogamy is one of the few ways the more vulnerable partner is protected. Monogamy is often the only thing that shields relationships from being handed down to brutal capitalism where the winner takes all. 
Monogamy takes the edges off all kinds of injustices. And it does so discretely.
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Monogamy, is the great equalizer.
It is where the cards that have been in possession of the same people ever since high school, are suddenly worthless and the rules of the game have changed.
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Until we all have the same chances of getting the great cards sexually, emotionally, and economically, I do not want to be the one advocating promiscuity!
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I see monogamy, as a consequence of inequality and scarcity.
But when we are all free to get up in the morning, and do whatever the fuck we want and still thrive socially and economically? 
I ll be happy to write the book.
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This all to illustrate there are topics I would be able to CONTRIBUTE! 
And so so much, on the fields of sex for singles, and “open relationships”. I would design really cool relationships, nothing like you ve ever seen!
But there is a reason things are as they are.
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Just like I think doing yoga exercises doesn’t help your body, because it’s an outside tool and your body started moving and being because you were inhabiting it that way from the inside out –
the same way I think self-improvement doesn’t work.
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Things are as they are and they are so with reason.
Stop fucking messing with them. 
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Another aspect of this topic of quitting with things that were only a good idea in theory, is to stop doing things that I would like to be able to do, but that I seem to have no talent for.
They ve drained me of time, energy, and notebooks because I took countless new ones hoping better stationary would do the trick, 
Those projects too will be eliminated.
The only work that will remain under my real name is: 
– topics that excite me which do not open a can of social economic worms
– methods I excel at, or that I can hack or compensate by throwing myself in headfirst
These methods brings me to the second major decision.
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I can only do one (1!) thing a day which means many days will suck balls because I can’t blog

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A blog post takes me three hours but it is usually closer to five.
Six is no exception and seven or eight also happen…

Sometimes it is less than 3 hours, but I never know when that is, so there is no real way of taking advantage of that. 
However, I have thought to tackle this by the doing a little each day.
The most notable ones were, and I m not going to say “the best ideas were” because they were terrible ideas:
1 30 minutes of book publishing each day
2 30 minutes daily of sorting out correspondence and tax statuses regarding my former business

And something I had high hopes for until I started writing this email and the hours are just pouring itself in here. So now I know this is out of the question as well:
idea 3: blogging each morning and then do tasks 1 or 2 for a few hours later that day

Not going to work Sara. None of it. 
Even in these final months of chosen Covid confinement, I spend hours every day going out, exercising, doing yoga, making smaller social media updates.
There are no two times X hours in a day.

There is ONE X hours in a day, where X is however long the task will take.
And the rest magically disappears into the abyss.

A few weeks ago I worked for days archiving and displaying all my notebooks, agendas and diaries (the last ones stayed in my filing cabinet).
It were the most satisfactory days ever! It felt like a holiday, and I came out entirely rejuvenated.

That is the way I want to sort out my finance, including that correspondence I mentioned.
ONE day!

I want to do the final edit of my first new book, which I ve got here in test copy, but I want to review and reupload and order a new test copy.
ONE day!

Second book, same story; ONE day! 

Any project I do: One day Sara.
Or two days maximum, a weekend.

But out with the 30 minutes this, 30 minutes that, and doubling down on multiple hour tasks a day.
They have driven me mad!

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Lauren Harteveld doesn’t talk

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Ever since I stopped being a yoga teacher and work as a writer under both my names, things have gotten more complicated in the blog, book and ideas department. 
Under which name should something be published?
So I ve come back to a decision I made a while ago, but this time it’s starting to get ingrained:

If I m willing to speak publicly about it, it goes under my real name.

But if I want to write it yet don’t want to talk about it, like all that high-handed monogamy stuff but also all my diary entries in particular the ones with sex, like yesterday’s blogpost here on the blog by Lauren 1996;
then it stays here.

Lauren Harteveld is the candid one.
The daring one.
But she writes and then she leaves. For 1996 😉 
It’s writing only.

And then, finally, my summer of love.
Were you worried, that I forgot?

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My Real Name moves to 1996 as well

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Alterego Lauren Harteveld has lived there since 2019:
1994 it was at the time.

But now it’s time for my real name to move back in time as well.
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I keep finding there is a mismatch, a feeling of finding 2021 not the right atmosphere for what I have to offer. Being in the moment, a writer of the times, means you have no idea what will last and what will not.
You miss so much context. There is no context!
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A storyteller has a pretty shitty narrative if you re actually still living IN the times.
So Lauren Harteveld moved back to 1994 (in 2019, it’s 1996 now).
And I ve now rechosen that.
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I ve committed to come at “it”, life, topics, SUMMER!, choosing 1996 as my home.
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So Lauren, the 23 year old graduate, who is figuring out her relationship with Bear, and her place in this world publishing her books, and her work for the Bon Jovi fanclub;
She will get to expand her work, her world, and her voice to everything I have to offer her under my real name.
She 
– types on her computer as often as she can.
– plays cd’s on her cd player next to it.
– writes her diary for this site
– writes her pieces on Bon Jovi and art on her other site

– and she writes her friends Sara and the bootleg trader Nikki, here on this
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And now, everybody gets three guesses, what Lauren 1996 is going to do this summer?
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If it wasn’t for the fact that she/ we are living in 1996 I would have ended with:
* insert vegetable emojis *
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~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

* Want to work with Sara too? Subscribe for updates on Sara’s upcoming Academy here,
or contact her through her Facebook page for a one-on-one coaching request.

Books 

My diaries are available at LULU 
New books will be added.

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready,
is to subscribe to this blog.
Button on this page, probably on the top right.

Or follow my Facebook page
/ Twitter: @LSHarteveld

Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/

Don’t look back

This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara
Before our call I always give her a headsup.

“Owls are wise. They can predict the past.”
Two Women, by Harry Mulisch

Dear Sara,

I never understood the legend of Orpheus and Eurydice in school, because we never got the Greeks. Either our school had strategic reasons not to include them, for instance because they were no longer part of the final exam.
Or my year of first graders had fallen into a historic loophole in the education system. A glitch, where for a few years the national program for history started with the Romans and not the Greeks.
But I never got them, and learned them self-taught, when I was in my late teens. 
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If I had had the Greeks around the age of 12, 13, I doubt I would have been into them as much as I was years later.
The story I think of most frequently in daily life, is the one from Orpheus and Eurydice.
Not because I got it literally from text, but because someone explained how a book I liked was inspired by the tragedy of Orpheus and Eurydice.
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be8ab849-7a63-4723-9971-799d30812a3aBoth Eurydice and Orpheus are women in the book. The book is called Two Women by Harry Mulisch, and it has been turned into a movie in 1979 and 2010, both times called Twice a Woman.
The Eurydice in the book leaves her female Orpheus suddenly, but in hindsight she has done so to get pregnant by Orpheus’ ex-husband.
She returns pregnant, on “Orpheus” doorstep. But it does not end well because Orpheus makes Eurydice go back to her ex-husband to explain and make things right.
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She should have welcomed Eurydice back without looking back to where she had been.
And in particular without sending her back. To the underworld!
Even if it was just to have coffee to make amends.
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Maybe the entire book is a plea to stop trying to smooth everything over, but that is not why I thought of that book today. Although it IS a good truth to keep to mind! 
Be a grateful receiver of what comes back to you, and do not interfere with other people’s life choices. Even when that other people is your partner.
But like I said, that was not the hook this piece was about.
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This is about classic Orpheus, and classic looking back.
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It is this story that has come to mind when I find myself anxious and wanting to know where my Eurydice is.
And when I actively search for him. Or them.
It is good to point out this has happened in the past with multiple men. A sudden urge, desire, curiosity, to Google them or check their social media. And almost always with staggering, disturbing, and at the same time important results.
My most mixed-emotions moment was when I found out someone’s real wife had the same name as I was about to choose for his fictional wife.
And this was someone I had not spoken to in years, the last time we spoke he had not even met her.
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Going to look for Eurydice is even in today’s world, hardly ever without serious consequence.
And yet tonight, I went looking for her again.
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After a week of feeling on top of my game, I feel I have fallen into the underworld.
And that BOTH are connected! Either I went looking in the underworld, because I felt my energetic tie was glitching like Dutch historic school programs in the mid 80s.
Or I could no longer hold my curiosity, and wanted to know if since I was thinking so much about him:
Was there a sign it was mutual, and that things had been shifting?
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If I looked over my shoulder for just a sec, would I see him there behind me?
The one whose presence I could feel so strongly?
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And then I lost him.
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In quantum science they say the atom is where you think it is.
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I felt my Eurydice so strongly, his presence. I didn’t connect it to my happiness, I was too egotistical for that. Or had learned not to get burned and to never focus on the presence of a man for my happiness. Not energetically, and not physically.
But last week, if you would have asked me:
“Do you still think of Eurydice?” I would have given you an ear to ear smile!
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And then it comes: I don’t know what my motivations were.
Was it an energy shift in the negative, after being days on a high, and did I want to look if “he” was still there?
Even though it is questionable how I would be able to see anything, if it was indeed something energetic that I had felt. 
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Or, alternatively, was I still on the high of knowing my Eurydice was there, and did this Saturday seem like a good day, to just give the door a little push, to see if it was unlocked and would open by itself?
The perfect night to, after an entire week on an absolute high, to just help chance a tiny bit and give God and the Universe a chance to tell me what I had already known and felt.
That my Eurydice was there.
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I don’t know, which one it was.
A response to feeling I lost his presence, or a desire to get a confirmation in the real world that reflected what I had been feeling all that time.
But I do know what happened after.
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And those who know their classics, this will know it too.
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“As Eurydice dies again, she bears no anger toward her husband.
She understands that, just as it was love that compelled him to journey into the Underworld to get her, it is love that compelled him to look back and make sure she was there.
It is a very bittersweet, tragic moment.”
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Quantum science got it wrong.

The atom is where you think it is. Until you look.

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

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Books 

My diaries are available at LULU 
New books will be added.

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready,
is to subscribe to this blog.
Button on this page, probably on the top right.

Or follow my Facebook page
/ Twitter: @LSHarteveld

Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/

Sexuality Loading

226ab3b141efd46df49ad9c9361ca99e
very rare photo of Sharon Stone, probably from an official promo photo shoot, during the time of Basic Instinct.

This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara
Before our call I always give her a headsup.

Dear Sara,

It was almost as if I had been preparing for these two weeks, where I would not have time for my creativity.
The last time we spoke it felt overwhelming. Like I was not up for it, and that I had somehow made, I don’t know, some kind of “planning mistake” or something?
But the truth was, that I had done everything right.
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It was as if part of me had known months in advance, this was coming.
Or maybe the correct way to see and say it is;
It wasn’t these two weeks, as some sort of solo event.
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The last two weeks were the most visible and most recent part of a way longer time period, starting at the beginning of this year, where I no longer just sit behind my desk and write for however long I want.
Where other obligations seem more important -and from a money making perspective are more important!- and together with the daily outdoor exercise which I ve been consistent at for half a year or so;
Little time is left for writing. 
Even less if I also want to publish my books.
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When I was a yoga teacher I used to write all day, and then rush to get showered, eat and get to class.
I did not do any exercise aside commuting (on my bicycle), I did not see daylight from like October to February, and I probably needed those yoga classes more than anyone else;
But boy did I write.
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I’m publishing my books, and as you know the number of blog posts under this name and my real name, is daunting.
I received the test copies from the first two books!
“The Mistress Speaks” and my book about Basic Instinct/ Catherine Tramell “The Beach, C.”
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I have to correct/ improve them, which I ll prioritize. I hope to have the new test copies ordered before the end of the week.
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So the bad news is that although those two weeks I was making such a fuss about, have ended;
I find myself still not having time to write.

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But the two weeks went by fine.
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Not just because they were far less out-of-the-ordinary as I had assumed they were.
But I also had the vision board card deck with the laminated cards, which I set up last summer but I ve been tweaking and updating it ever since and keep rearranging it, keeping spares for that moment in my drawer.
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Next to these cards I found reminders of my goals and dreams, in my notebooks.
And to top it all off, I encountered a very explicit tab on the browser of my phone. Every time I went by them all to see if I could close a few tabs, I would see this one and smile!
I remembered setting this open tab up in February, March at the latest, being very deliberate in my actions.  I knew the explicit content would be a nessecary reminder that I was a sexual being.
Regardless of whatever scatterbrain state I would be in, the moment I mindlessly browsed over my tabs to shut them.
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So the two weeks were better than I expected, because the shock was not as strong as I feared, and because I had Lauren’s Past Self having set up reminders for current day me.
“Hold the course.”
“You re sexual.”
And “Ps: here’s a photo of Jon Bon Jovi in the 80s. Yeah I thought you needed that.”
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Another very positive aspect which I had not seen coming, was that I had sex too!
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Not the perfectly orchestrated best sex of my life – date, we had in February.
But a really nice quickie, that felt so good. Maybe because it was not anticipated, and also because it was the kind of sex you can only have if you know each other very well. 
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Because we are not a couple, and because of the hiatus we had last year, those moments when something happens that kind of “reveals” what’s underneath, are so special. 
And the sex was very welcome. Even when it was at a moment when I could not process or relive it by writing about it. I could not magnify it, in any way.
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It was normal, grounded sex. That together with all the notes in my journals, and together with already being in the habit of writing less, got me through. 
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As much as all this was good news, it did also point to a problem that I had unconsciously been aware of (hence: the reminders to myself) but that I had not tackled.
After “fruitless 2020” I knew that if I kept writing, and/or kept creating videos for my work under my real name, my books would not get published. So I had prioritized publishing.
But by now it was also clear that the opposite was also true:
When I was publishing I did not write
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With over 600 blog posts on both of my accounts, publishing my books is not a sprint activity.
I don’t know what I was thinking when I thought I could muscle through a couple of months prioritizing the books, the publishing, and that the problem would then be solved..
Because publishing will never be done.
It’s like a marathon with no end.
And I have to find a way to bring my sexuality = creativity = writing, back into my days!
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It’s all well and good that I m now publishing my books, getting daylight and exercise and doing yoga every now and then. And some would even say it’s a sign of maturity that I can have sex without needing to bury myself in my writing immediately after.
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But I’m not saying that.
And to me it’s not well and good.
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Needing a sexually explicit tab open on your phone browser because you’re afraid you’ll forget who you are below the belt, is a sign of spiritual and sexual poverty.
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A sign that writing needs to come back on the menu sooner rather than later.

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~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

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Books 

My diaries are available at LULU 
New books will be added.

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready,
is to subscribe to this blog.
Button on this page, probably on the top right.

Or follow my Facebook page
/ Twitter: @LSHarteveld

Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/

Diabolic

my favorite “diabolic” relationship: Detective Nick Curran and writer Catherine Tramell in Basic Instinct (1992) Promotional photo.

This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara
Before our call I always give her a headsup.

Dear Sara,

This letter was originally a letter to my pen pal, the one I call “Nikki” in my 1996 series.
He had written me last week, and as excited as I was with it, I just realized this morning (Sunday morning):
“Fuck! I still have not written Nikki back!”
And in my mind I saw my week calendar coming up, realizing I would not get around to it before Tuesday at the earliest, if I did not do it this morning. 
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But before I could shift gears to the sexual, the cheerful, the playful, I needed to share what had happened here in the Netherlands, that had upset me so much.
That had in fact, cost me an entire week.
Including all the days where I could have been writing him back, and – in all honesty – that WOULD have been the better time investment.
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But then after 800 words, and still trying to understand how two scandals had been able to hijack all my free hours so effortlessly – what was the common denominator? how were these two scandals  linked? – I realized I did not want this in my relationship with him (Nikki).
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Writing him would have to wait, until I felt playful and sexual.
..
But the 800 words I had already written, were valuable.
I was certain that I would not have been so mesmerized by the news and Twitter, if it had not touched on something deeply personal.
There was a lesson in there that had already cost me 5 days, multiple Facebook diary entries (the C diaries), numerous tweets, and now 800 words.
I did not want to let those investments go to waste.
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So here it is:
The story about what happened this week, the coachable version where I grow and stuff! 
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And then later today I ll see if there is still life, under the belt. 
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Welcome to The Netherlands!
Where You Can Spend 1.6 billion But Not Have Sex In An Unequal Relationship

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(Dear Nikki,)
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Okay it’s a Sunday Morning now and I wish I had written you sooner!
Not because I owe it to you or something, but because I was so happy to hear from you.
But I think the damage had already been done.

The tone of the week was already set, the ship had sailed, and although I did not know it back then, I was basically going to throw away one week of my life.
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It had already cost me my joy, peace of mind, sexuality, and possibly my future if I had not, finally, yesterday night, found a way to untie myself from the horror that was going on in The Netherlands.
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It was not even my own accomplishment that I could break the spell and pick up the pieces of my life.
It was because by then I had witnessed for 48 hours that everybody on Twitter was (finally?);
Equally appalled.
Equally angry.

And also; Equally trying to find the nuance on a second topic that had been bogging me since Tuesday, just like the first topic had.

It is frustrating to have TWO political topics “escalate” (I think the word escalate suggests too much simplicity in the matter, when of course these things are never simple), but “escalate” in the same 24 hours (Tuesday), and to then have that day in, day out, feeling that something is so very frickin’ off!
Yet
you keep refreshing all the regular, official, news sites, and the most obvious point of view or opinion is never on there.

But by Friday it had turned around.
The news sites were still mild, or only addressed it in a roundabout way:
But on Twitter there
was not a single message, that was favorable to the ludicrous plan of our minister of public health to “invest” 1.6 billion dollars in a shadow “test for entrance” society, which he has set up and is already running without any democratic process.

He’s rolling out a (commercially run!) dystopian Brave New World layer over our entire society.

Even when you’re vaccinated, you will have to get tested first (with a €7,50 personal fee) before you get a 24 hour time window to visit a restaurant, cinema and so on.
EVEN WHEN YOU RE VACCINATED!

The first 0.7 billion will already be gone, {Dutch tweet thread that estimates the costs of first months at 1.6 billion euros}
but next week the minister has to pass a law to get his way.

Even though the regular news sites are not yet entirely up to speed with the anger and the rage of the Dutch;
I m convinced that by now this law cannot be passed through parliament.

We will not have a society where we have to buy back our freedom, one 24 hours at a time.

The other topic that bothered me was a politician who has been sent home because he is a 40+ gay man who has been grooming barely legal teens for years.
And now these boys have come out with their stories, about how they felt dirty or used, or just weird.
Again: This topic was on Twitter 24 hours before the first news site even mentioned it.
Basically, it was kept off the news sites, until the decision to fire him was already made, but that is extremely weird if you read on Twitter all these stories from those boys, and to then not have national media mention it;
It’s very surreal.

I m still coming to grips with it, why this sexual scandal disturbed me so much and I think I’ve finally gotten my head around it:
It’s because I resent how we allow for all kinds of power differences, dependencies, and allow for the giving away of power not just to exist in society, but we actually encourage making disempowering choices all the time.

What we call “security”, usually means a dependency on one employer or one relationship partner.

What we call “health care”, usually means a dependency on the medical world. The moment something is wrong, we throw it over the fence of the hospital and expect them to fix it.

What we call “economy”, means that we support ALL life styles where money exchanges hands, at the legalized level of life.
That’s why (street) drug abuse is not supported: Regular business and government do not make money off of selling street coke or heroin, which is why that lifestyle is frowned upon.
But because the legal businesses and government make money selling alcohol, potato chips and donuts; You can get those all you want.

I even read an interesting article about “active mobility”, doing your commute by foot or on bicycle: 
(Dutch) Fietsen is veel beter voor het klimaat dan elektrische auto

Active mobility, meaning getting everybody to walk or cycle to work, is a much faster route to getting clean transportation than to develop electrical cars.
But cyclists are not a part of economy, the way car buyers are.
So that solution is never pushed/ facilitated and we’re supposedly dependent on an affordable Tesla which will still cause much more pollution than cycling.

Dependency, is so interwoven with our society, that we don’t even see it anymore.

None of us are taught, EVER, what the difference is between having  power and not having power.
And that people who have it, will almost automatically use it for their own gain or that of their friends, so that they can gain even more power.

If you look at the FACTS, there really is no other conclusion than that human nature, is either inherently evil, or accidentally evil;
And that it takes a lot of things to have gone right in the way you were raised and in who you are, and THEN it will also take an incredible amount of resources in the broadest sense,
for you to not grow up a 40+ politician who has either just spent 1.6 billion euros of his people on a megalomaniac project that will bring his country to bankruptcy or civil war in the upcoming years;
Or a politician who has been grooming barely legal teens just dropping his name, and making sexual remarks and not taking any responsibility for hurting and damaging these boys who deserved to be protected and guided.

It takes a lot to NOT become that.

And the only difference between the two is that spending 1.6 billion  state funding on commercial parties, goes by unpunished.
Maybe you’ll be halted in your tracks after the first 0.7 billion, but that’s basically as bad as it’s gonna get.

Whereas for the sex with the teen boys you will be fired and Twitter crucified.
Which by the way, is not because the boys wanted that, but because Twitter thought that was the appropriate punishment and after 24 hours your employer/party agreed with Twitter. 

In hindsight the situations with the two politicians behaving badly, and only the sexual one being sent home, raised a VERY FUNDAMENTAL question for me!
And one I will totally bring home, but first:

By now this letter is of course entirely fictional!
There was no frickin way I was going to let it come THIS far, writing this much heavy ass stuff to my pen pal “Nikki”.
The part that was initially written for Nikki, ended paragraphs ago.

But let’s move on and bring it home.

The relevant questions is this:
Shouldn’t any discussion about financial violence or sexual violence , or simply “violence”, or maybe even “any discussion” FIRST be preceded by a fundamental analysis on dependency?

That you cannot discuss abuse of power, or power differences, before you know how there is a dependency, why, and what the instruments or weapons in the toolbox are, of both parties.
How could the outcome have been different?

For example, discussion on Twitter is now around “empowering” young gay men, or what type of protection they could benefit from.
However, there is also a lot of push back to this, because it is in part victim blaming.
It has the suggestion that if you have not properly defended yourself, the victim is to blame.
Which is of course a horrible suggestion.

However, if you start from the viewpoint that both politicians are inherently evil (meaning without empathy and selfishly going after their own gain), or that they are incompetent;
You can easily see that no solution can be expected from them.

So unless you have an idea on how we are going to turn every man to the path of the righteous and the enlightened;
The only way to deal with financial and sexual violence, is to empower the ones who can fall victim to these predators.

And that is the discussion where, if you do it from a broad perspective, you can start making lists of your resources, your weapons, your desired outcomes.

What do you need (f.e. extreme financial independence) to no longer be disturbed by government spending 1.6 billion and risking civil war?

What do you need (f.e. a tribe that supports you) to own your sexuality and therefor also be totally immune to grooming?

The reason I stared for five days at my news feed and Twitter, is because I needed that time to realize that I refuse to start discussing something at the level of the problem.
Because the problem is always the same:
People are inherently evil or inadequate.

And the solution is also always the same:
You have to strive to be completely independent.
You have to strive for FREEDOM

The moment you are willing to give up your freedom, and let someone else make decisions for you:
You re fucked.
(because: People are inherently evil or inadequate.)

You must have a clear view of why you do things, even when you do them for money. Even when you do them for your own gain!
And in particular:
If you do them to survive……

Whether it’s a normal job to live a normal life;
Whether it’s dating a 40+ year old because at that moment in time he’s the only one who can bring you further to where you want to be;
Or whether you get away with 1.6 billion euros;
Keep. Your. Eyes. Open!

Look death in the eye.
Look poverty in the eye.
Look evil in the eye.
Look in the mirror and see if evil is there!

Be there on the brink of the inferno of your life, always on the edge between what is right and what is wrong, knowing that you will most likely make the wrong choice.
Knowing that most people that evil.
And that you’re either going to end up being hurt, OR you re going to end up hurting others.

And train yourself, coach yourself, and never let go of yourself;
To be okay with that.

Because in order to find God:
You must first be undisturbed by the devil.

.

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

.

Books 

My diaries are available at LULU 
New books will be added.

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready,
is to subscribe to this blog.
Button on this page, probably on the top right.

Or follow my Facebook page
/ Twitter: @LSHarteveld

Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/

 

Road Map To Success Received. Over.

GarrapataBeach_BasicInstinct (1)“I’m a writer, I use people for what I write.
You write what you know.
Let the world beware.”

Catherine Tramell

This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara
Before our call I always give her a headsup.

Dear Sara,

When I was looking for a new photo of rock star writer Catherine Tramell from Basic Instinct, to go with this post, I could not help but wonder:
“Why am I making this so complicated?”
Why do I switch from calling myself a rock star writer, to rock star artist, simply rock star (in a brave attempt to be done with the issue), to rock star creator?
.
Only to end up on Sunday 28th March, eagerly writing you ten days before our usual date, because I feel I have such big news!
“I am a writer Sara! I m certain of it!”
.
It’s either writing you this early debriefing or tattoos, Sara.
.
Either I try to grasp this truth, by ingraining it into my very soul.
Or I get tattoos: “I am a writer! I am a writer! I am a writer!” covering my entire body.
And because I m attached to keeping my skin as it is, after not getting tattooed age 16 because I could not choose between a skull on my upper-arm or a tribal at my lower back, I m not getting the tattoo.
.
In hindsight it’s a good thing I didn’t get those tattoos, because the correct choice at the time was the tribal on my lower back because it was original and very aesthetic.
Except that was 1988.
Ten years later half of female Netherlands had one, yet the skulls-to-upper arm tattoos are to this day reserved for a small and conspicuous group!
.
The reason I already knew of the tribal lower back tattoos way before anyone else did, was because I was subscribed to a magazine, Revu, which was catered to a male audience. It had a lot of reports on crime, interviews with famous men (mostly) and leaned heavily on photography.
One of their photographers was Patricia Steur, who was good friend with Henk Schiffmacher who also worked at Revu and may be the most famous tattoo artist of the world.
I m not really sure because I once saw a documentary on a former Amsterdam brothel Yab Yub, and the documentary contained a 90s clip that it was the most expensive club/brothel of the world and it struck me how little fact-checking could be done in the 90s….
With this story about Steur and Schiffmacher taking place in the 80s, I have no idea who was the most famous tattoo artist then!
.
But Patricia Steur worked with Henk Schiffmacher at this magazine, and he was the one who brought these tribal tattoos from the Maori into his work.
So that is why Patricia had one of the first lower back tribal tattoos of the world.
.
I can’t remember on which photo in Revu I saw her tattoo, but I do remember telling for decades after, how I almost got one of those tattoos, because in the 80s Patricia Steur had one.
So that’s how I know it was her!
.
So, no tattoos again, but I do hope to remember for the rest of a life:
I AM A WRITER!
.
Even though I have called myself Rock Star * something *  for ages.
.
So before this morning’s epiphany, I was a Rock Star Creator.
Which I have been for about four months.
Although “Creator” was, and is, technically true, I knew it didn’t have the right ring.
.
And then I haven’t even discussed the 20 years where I identified as a yoga teacher!
And since 2015 a Rock Star Yoga Teacher, yes.
.
But I have discovered that the underlying principle in ALL my work, and also why ALL my titles feel wrong and yucky, is a mindset one.
.
It is the principle that reality is created by yourself, a concept often referred to as metaphysics.
.
Metaphysics is the branch of philosophy that examines the fundamental nature of reality, including the relationship between mind and matter, between substance and attribute, and between potentiality and actuality.
Wikipedia

The great 20th century thinkers I study are often referred to as metaphysical teachers, but I have discovered it is a bit more complicated than that.

Or a lot more complicated
And that trying to explain to what branch I belong within metaphysics, is only going to complicate matters even further.
.
It’s like if you want to know the nature of the universe you ultimately end up with mostly space and a few atoms flying around in whatever way you think they’re flying around;
Once I start studying what I do, who I am, hoping to find something solid?
I end up with endless spaciousness and limitless options of what could be true.
.
Before I wrap this up to how this ultimately has helped me find my way back, just a little word on that metaphysics being the basis from which I operate;
It explains SO MUCH about why I don’t get along at all with every day life! 
.
Because I really feel reality is being created by us, because the emotions attached to it are created by us, and therefor, just like the atoms, the truth is shaped not so much based on how reality was at t=-1
But at how we responded (usually: freaked the fuck out) at t=-1
.
So therefor in discussing, or solving a problem existing at t=0 (now), I automatically, I really cannot stop this, start looking at t=-1
“Okay, let’s start at the beginning:
Who was energetically connecting with this thing at t=-1?
And who is probably still giving it their undivided negative fear-based attention?”

and:
What does that person need to stop doing that?
.
The professional, teacher, guru, who can leave the first half of the entire equation out, and start treating the situation without addressing that, but instead immediately comes up with something that automatically addresses the final part (stops people to worry, and elevates them to start thinking and believing constructively);
That person can save the world.
He or she makes the bad situation now go away without discussing how we got from t=-1 to t=0 because we thought ourselves that way.
The fictional imaginary thoughts that gave an outcome that was perceived as reality (but that were just thoughts about reality), are reversed, by giving a tangible solution or system that will reverse an unwanted t=0 back to a neutral t=-1.
.
And since many professionals believe their system, their yoga, their self-help book, their medical treatment, solves the problem; And many people consulting these professionals have faith in these methods;
A lot of good is done in this world!
Problems are solved in a natural swift matter, without anybody yelling at the top of their lungs:
“Who let his or her fear-mind run rampant, and worried us all into the apocalypse? Well?”
.
I would.
.
And I would be pointing, as if it was pee or poo that someone just dropped in the middle of the living and that I simply refused to clean up, without first coming to an understanding that this is preventable if we all use the toilet.
.
I don’t mind cleaning up poo, I don’t mind attending to the ones who are incapable of controlling their bowel movements.
But I am not the person to start normalizing just letting it run all over the place.
.
However, tackling t=0 problems rarely includes an assessment of t=-1,
and how we got from one to the other.
.
So much for the metaphysical part of this post.
.
Am I a metaphysical teacher who writes and speaks about the nature of reality?
Absolutely.
Am I now going to call myself Rock Star Metaphysical Teacher?
Not even at t= one million years.
.
So the past couple of weeks I went through a cycle of feeling “I m almost there!” “I am so close to finally defining what I do!”
Only to end up with out of control atoms, shooting in every direction.
.
Okay, that was not little..
A little word on metaphysics, right? That’s how I announced it. And then it was not little. 
This makes it difficult to write this post, as I intended. Because I was going to include the whole process of how I got there, by copying directly from my journal.
I had done 7 journaling exercises to discover my values! 
Discovering my VALUES is what gave me my big OMG I REALLY AM A WRITER! moment!
.
It was an exercise I had been wanting to do for some time now. It was as if I knew it (knowing my values) held information that was important. Even to me.
Although even not knowing my values I can’t really go against them, effectively.
I just blow things up, if I do something against my values.
But without knowing why, and without knowing beforehand I m going to blow it up;
So I think my curiosity to know my values was also practical. To make things more pleasant for everybody.
.
And the exercise went really well.
Because regardless of how broad my likes and dislikes were, as were the things I wanted to change, and as wide as the gap between me and the world seemed (it even included full-blown rants);
They all created a picture that was “Remarkably consistent”!

That was also the alternative title for this post. “Remarkably consistent.”
Because if I don’t count all my endless deviations where I try so very hard not to be a writer, I really am very consistent!
The only thing I really have been doing all the time, is writing. Regardless of how I label it.
.
I’ll take you by the biggest aspects of my values/ life, and how they point to being a writer. And not to anything else, not even a world famous artist/ creator.
Here we go.
.

value; being at home with my cats

.
Well, “at home”? After a year of being Covid-confined, I would appreciate a week away now and then, but that doesn’t exactly count as “rocking your life and making it big”.
Keith Haring didn’t spend the last years of his life sitting at home and sending his paintings out on UPS.
Marina lived from a van for years and then had a great wall to climb.
And every big artist in history has multiple houses, which they visit in the scarce weeks they are not touring the world.
.
Staying at home in the world of art, is not really a thing.
Unless?
You guessed it; Unless you’re a writer.
.
A writer is the only person of whom it is accepted that they only visit the real world. Occasionally.
We don’t like leaving the house.
Or as Catherine puts it, when Nick Curran and Gus come to her house trying to make her come to the station voluntarily:
“Read me my rights and arrest me, and I’ll go downtown. Otherwise, get the fuck out of here.”
There is a silence and she looks at the detectives:
“Please.”
.

value; freedom

.
Freedom in the broadest sense, for example sexually, creatively and financially.
But that’s not exclusive to being a writer, so I m going to focus on why “freedom” was insufficiently guaranteed by defining myself as a speaker, artist, creator and even “author”. Since author means you have a publisher.
.
The freedom a self-published writer has, that almost no other artist has is:
Not being bothered by contractual obligations!
I did not stop having a company, stop being a business, to prevent having to deal with legislation surrounding that (such as privacy of data, financial administrative obligations, terms of service, liability) to ever allow for even the scent of administrative and communicative obligations, expectations, fine tuning and so on.
.
I have total freedom to create whatever I want.
And then you are free to pay me because you desire to do so, you can shower me with gifts or you buy from me. Or you don’t.
It’s that simple.
.
So it’s not that I would not be able to entertain, to enlighten, to surprise, and to charge thousands for a public appearance or make tons of money from a tour.
It’s just that I don’t want to because I don’t want the paperwork, liabilities, and professionalism. The availability to other people’s agenda.
I ll just be a writer.
.
And if you want me to come over?
Then YOU get the paperwork in order and take care of my transportation downtown, offer me coffee, and tell me where to sit.
.
And then I ll cross my legs and give you a show you’ll never forget.
.

value; being in my own world

Fortunately, this is something many artists value, and many artists get to have!
However for teachers, entrepreneurs, leaders, entertainers, and service providers, “being in their own world” is not on the menu.
Their job, the aspect of their work they are paid for, is; They have to relate to other people.

Non-artists directly have to invest in the relationship with their public, audience, tribe, and actively participate in it.

When I, really, already feel slightly nauseous when I “have to” repost a blogpost I wrote myself, to give it a better exposure, and to be present on social media. 

On social media it makes a lot of difference when you post; if you post twice you really do get twice the number of readers. But that already feels, to me, out of integrity. Even though up until now I have done it. 
I feel I owe it to my work and also readers, when deep down?
It is not what I really want. Nor what I feel is in integrity for me.

This feels in integrity to me:
Write whatever I want. post it. The end.

And on days I do not write (for that account) I still have not found my form in how to communicate, really. How to not be a total jerk on social media, by not showing up unless you have something new;
But also stay true to myself and not repost , when I m really not feeling the same urgency as I did when I wrote the post….

But having said all this, deciding if you “have to” repost your own work, is still VERY different, to what your job is if you have a non-artist job.
Because you are paid to anticipate to what other people think and (most of all) what they need to feel better.
When, as we discussed in my take on metaphysics, that is not my forte.

I do have the empathy to see that everyone who is sad, in trouble, hurt, or just a bit flat and in need of some direction, deserves to be heard, helped, and inspired to do better and to make their life totally rock by some amazing system or show that you have for sale or that you are going to provide!
Amazing! Keep doing that!

But I m the person who touches their chin and wonders:
“Really? And what happened before that, at t=-1?”

Or: 
“Are you arresting me?”
“Can I change into something more appropriate?”
“Why would I need an attorney?”

I would ask:
“I’m using you for my detective. In my book. You don’t mind, do you?”

.

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

.

Books 

My diaries are available at LULU 
New books will be added.

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready,
is to subscribe to this blog.
Button on this page, probably on the top right.

Or follow my Facebook page
/ Twitter: @LSHarteveld

Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/

Sex induced creativity spree

This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara
Before our call I always give her a headsup..

Dear Sara,

I ve linked my creativity to sex before.
And yet, the moment I had to decide if I wanted to go all in on that, I don’t think I even took it into consideration as a reason to do it.
In fact, it wasn’t even to gain anything.
It wasn’t even to gain sex!
.
The reason I went for it, and see myself making this same choice over and over again in the future, the choice to take sex with someone you’re attracted to when the moment arises and to not wait for perfect circumstances, was because I saw very clearly where the other path was leading.
The path of caution.
Reason.
Fear.
.
To dying without properly living your life.
A concept we should all be familiar with by now, since we’ve all thrown away the past 12 months to self-imprisonment.
After 2020 the fact that avoiding risks and waiting for better circumstances before you live your life comes at a price; Is KNOWN.
.
The illusion that risk can be avoided, like you can choose to not go into a roller coaster, is gone.
.
After a year of letting
the loneliness and the despair seep into our healthy bones, we all realize we need more than just health. 
More than being safe.
A life well lived tastes so sweet, because it always has that pinch of danger and mortality.
.
But I didn’t think it through that deeply.
Like I said, it was the knowledge that if I would go with fear – fear of Covid, fear of being used, fear of being judged – I would be on the run forever.

My life would get smaller.
Always.
.
If I kept assessing now and forever more how “okay” it was to have sex?
I would perpetuate being in the same claws the entire world has been in, since March 2020.
I would become one of those people whose life had ended but with a few decades to go before I was actually dead.
.
THAT is why I chose sex.
To avoid death on a spiritual, God-given plane where my life had purpose.
My motives were spiritual, philosophical, and deeply personal.
.
But it paid off a hundred fold.
.
I wrote chapter after chapter for Lauren 1996.
Three blogposts on this blog, but there are three posts on my Facebook page, which I still have got to bundle up.
And under my real name, I started a business channel for which I ve already filmed three videos. I wrote five articles, three related to Bon Jovi and two on my art and philosophy blog.
And tomorrow I am starting my biggest art project to date.
It’s called daily Bon Jovi yoga. And it’s just that. After saying goodbye permanently to teaching yoga and deciding I am not going to reinvent yoga to Rock Star Yoga.
The answer to everything I knew was meant for me, yoga wise, and yet it was never what I thought it was, was so simple!
And it was literally on my vision board for 2021.
I had two words up there (only two): “Bon Jovi” on the top-left. And “Yoga” on the top-right.
“Bon Jovi Yoga”
.
And last year I “got” three signs from God about what my purpose was. And the second one was “Yoga is my art”.
I even got that one on repeat, every time I went to bed asking for a sign what on earth I was supposed to “do”, make money from, or just what my purpose was.

The answer when I woke up was always the same:
Yoga.
And then I would be excited and have another go at it, and then it would all turn to dust, slip through my fingers, for a moment I would be okay having parted with it;
Until the cycle of accidentally getting inspired or me asking God for clues, began again.
.
So “Yoga is my art” and “Bon Jovi yoga” means;
My art is to do Bon Jovi yoga.
DO.
Not teach, not reinvent, not show, not share (as in video, or anything where I have to “show up in spandex”; Something I swore I would never do ever again).
Every day, starting tomorrow, and I do this under my real name;
Everyday, I do Bon Jovi yoga.
Make a tweet and a facebook post, mentioning the album or concert I used.
The end.
.
I ve also claimed a domain, and have so many stories to tell about this project Bon Jovi Yoga. My mind is overflowing with ideas and insights.
So I will write a lot! 
But the art itself is in the doing;
Do one cd of Bon Jovi Yoga a day.
Will do it to the day I die.
.
It feels so enormously powerful. I m consciously saying goodbye to the first half of my life, without that yoga without that art.
Feeling grateful I had it.
But I feel the absolute thrill and excitement of knowing this is it!
.
Yoga really IS my art.
Just not the way I thought, because I don’t change yoga itself into art.
I am the art.
.
One of the trainings I took from Katrina Ruth, I remember her words so vividly, was that you should find the thing, the habit, the “business”, that is an activity that you just love to do every day.
That you’re really like: “OF COURSE I want to do this for the rest of my life!!”
.
Well; Of course!
If doing Bon Jovi yoga every day would be the only art that I would ever be allowed to do, I would die fulfilled.
Even if I could not write about it.
Even if I could not share it on Twitter or Facebook, so then technically it would only exist as an energy but it would not be known;
Even then I would be fulfilled.
.
I feel so light and happy and boy! Who would have thought my decision to have sex would have such far reaching results!
.
It was also the best sex I ever had in my life.
Obviously.
.

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

.

Books 

My diaries are available at LULU 
New books will be added.

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready,
is to subscribe to this blog.
Button on this page, probably on the top right.

Or follow my Facebook page
/ Twitter: @LSHarteveld

Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/

Sex first. Writing second. And yoga got cancelled

This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara
Before our call I always give her a headsup..

Dear Sara,

The last time we spoke, I told you I had started a project, a YouTube channel (under my real name) where I was going to investigate how to either reinvent yoga and after 20 years in (and out) of the yoga business, become the rock star yoga teacher I knew with 99% certainty I was meant to be.
Or to leave yoga behind, once and for all.
.
For 2,5 years minimum I ve tried to quit yoga, and I did actually quit, but it kept coming back.
But by now I believed I was destined to do yoga. 99% certain was really 99% 
.
Although there had been times I cursed myself and the world, for having wasted 20 frickin years in a professional environment that had little to do with the yoga that I had FELT, in the three years before I got officially trained.
And it had nothing to do with my personality, with my values, with who I was or even with what my core talents were.
It had in fact conflicted heavily with them.
.
Yet, I still thought this YouTube channel researching and investigating my love for yoga, or lack thereof, was a formality.
That it was no longer a question if I would commit to rock star yoga;
Just a question of when.
.
Because the cursing had stopped.
And the vision of the life and the work ahead of me, was rapidly taking shape.
I had been in a hurry to start the channel, before even the last of my doubt and resistance and the final lap of my existential crisis had vanished and only the New Reinvented Me remained.
.
And although I did not believe my yoga, or me as a rock star yoga teacher, were in any way boring;
The journey would have ended.
The exciting part
of becoming a rock star yoga teacher would be behind me.
.
But if I hurried, and maybe exaggerated a little bit about doubt which I no longer really felt, just for some dramatic effect;
Maybe I could then squeeze out some videos before I made my finite choice to reinvent yoga and totally rock being a rock star yoga teacher.
.
Victory.
Redemption.
Or maybe even a big fuckemall and toldyoufrickinso!
That was the energy I could feel, on the other side of reinventing yoga.
.
Until the day when I was on my bike, cycling to a location where I wanted to shoot a video for my yoga-reinvention channel, that I had made my decision, when I changed my mind.
I had a handful of A4s in my backpack, that provided an outline of the rock star yoga practice, but also the business model and my own values it was based on.
But suddenly it ALL felt wrong.
.
Having to map out a new form of yoga that would rock, felt like having to make a list of why it was a good idea to have sex with someone, or to date someone!
If I think of the past 6 years where I have had a secret lover, and currently we re more like friends with occasional benefits, but whatever it is we have is secret;
I don’t have to make a list to know that for all six years that I know him, the reasons to not have sex with him, would have been endless.
And only reason to do it was:
Because I wanna.
.
And I regret nothing.
.
Yet all the years before him? The years of being single between 2006 and 2015?
I had no bad experiences, but I would have traded all, largely respectable, single, honest, goodhearted men, for one night with my last or maybe even current lover. 
.
To know 20 reasons why something is not going to work, and 20 more why it is a terrible idea, and yet still following your heart? 
That is me!
.
My style is not to after 2,5 years of not being able to quit permanently, to then finally “get” yoga, learn my own rock star yoga blueprint, and film my official rock star yoga launch video.
And then for the next 20 years be the yoga teacher who redeemed herself and her craft and found herself or fucking something.
.
One moment to the next the whole idea of rock star yoga absolutely disgusted me.
Or of ever having to speak the Y word ever again.
It all felt so constricted and awful.
An artist has full creative freedom, and to be a good artist you must always go into the unknown.
Like Marina Abramovic once learned from one of her art teachers:
If you can draw with the right hand, immediately shift to the left.
.
After 20 years of drawing with my right hand, I had been on the verge of leaping into two more decades of drawing with my right hand, whilst explaining why my drawing with the right hand was entirely different from everybody else’s drawing with the right hand.
And I had been 99% certain I wanted to go down that road!
.
If I look at it in hindsight, I can’t believe I came that close.
Just the right hand left hand argument, and the general distinction between being a yoga teacher which is a service provider (or a high-level, world famous version of that) or being an artist, are enough of an explanation.
Enough reason to know I m never going back.
.
But there was something else, which was on that list the day I cycled to the location to shoot my Yoga Commitment video. Something else that was ultimately the reason I knew I had nothing more to say.
Not about yoga.
.
It was that I had written down in the Rock Star Yoga outline, what the two biggies were:
Sex and purpose.
Rock Star Yoga was going to be developed with full understanding that when it came to increasing your energy, those two were king.
And suddenly I realized that someone who has Sex and Purpose on number one and two, of her list of Things That Matter, was only a true to her word rock star yoga teacher if her Purpose, was indeed to be a rock star yoga teacher.
That she would value sex more than her purpose, was acceptable.
But after that she was to immediately run to her yoga mat, fully inspired!
Except my yoga mat is not at all where I run to, do I?
I am a writer.
Left “unsupervised”, I run to my desk to write.
.
And just like my love life, there are no reasons to write.
Writing is not practical, it’s time consuming, it makes little to no money unless you do it to promote something else (fe yoga) or write on assignment.
I could easily fill five A4’s with reasons why writing is a terrible idea.
.
Just like I was never short on reasons why I should not be with my lover, or male friend for whom after 6 years I still have feelings so intense, it makes me cry just thinking about it.
.
There is no logical reason for my love life.
And there is no logical reason to write.
Yet the moment you need even half an A4, to map out why you got it right this time?
With 99% certainty? And the list and the proper plan to prove it?
.
Immediately switch to the left.
.

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

Wanna join me?
I m going to do yoga, starting from scratch because I m yoga free by now,
But I ll be using my own book

White Tigress Yoga Workbook
by LS Harteveld (me)

For anyone who had a decent chance of staying healthy
but screwed it up and now needs something that works. Fast.

I like the no-fuss, kick your ass into gear energy of it!

PS: Here’s the page with all my other books as well!
(Dutch/Nederlands AND English)

Books 

My diaries are available at LULU 
New books will be added.

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready,
is to subscribe to this blog.
Button on this page, probably on the top right.

Or follow my Facebook page
/ Twitter: @LSHarteveld

Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/

Wine at 2 PM on a Monday

This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara
Before our call I always give her a headsup..

Dear Sara,

Although I had the title “Wine at 2 PM on a Monday”, right there from the get-go, where get-go stands for WordPress Blocks, which is a year old software update I am very skilled at avoiding except when I create a new post by copying an old one. Then I immediately save, get the hell out of there and open the new draft in Classic Editor;
That draft was already titled Wine at 2PM on a Monday.
So I knew what my angle would be, but I did not know it was going to be about sex.
.
Aside from the evening curfew which has made daytime alcoholics of us all (you’re also only allowed to have one visitor per day per household), I had no idea what this post would be about.
Because everything was so…. perfect?
Hopeful?
I even have a new 8 step daily to-do list, with a secret priority code embedded that only I know of. I am still nowhere near where I want to be in terms of doing yoga, and clarity on my business;
Yet, I ve got this covered.
Step by step, I know I ‘ll get to the ultimate destination (body, money and career goals), and there’s little I need to do, or even can do, at this point.
.
The only thing I can actively DO in terms of selling/ having something to sell, is that I have decided today, that I m going to publish the non-dating, and non-fiction material I wrote under this account, and in particular the coaching and business blogs, under my real name.
.
Since my future is under my real name, I want to have books under my real name asap. 
And I have way too much material here, for Lauren Harteveld, anyway. It makes a lot of sense to separate it;
Diaries and sex are books for Lauren.

Business blogs, coaching and even writing (life of a writer), go under my real name.
.
All posts where I keep my clothes on, are good to go!
Which excludes this blog post, because although I knew the title of this blog was going to be wine at 2 P.M on a Monday, and I wanted to tell you the Rock Star Yoga Teacher vibe from the last letter I wrote you is on the rise!, I didn’t know what else I was going to write about.
But it’s sans clothes!
.
With the first glimpses of my future as the new face of yoga, and the 8 step secret prio list which will basically and ultimately get ALL the shit done, there was very little to get worked up about.
Even my sex life seemed to be stable and sensible. My secret lover and me occasionally see each other and we have sex to a level that doesn’t freak me out, and I can just pull up my pants, or his pants, and say:
“That was fun!”
.
Although one time things did go wrong, emotionally. I got so intensely sad and hurt afterwards. It was horrible. But I worked through it with friends, put a new sex protocol in place, and I m good to go.
I got this, there’s no more drama in my sex life.
.
So I went through my downloads looking for an illustration to go with this post. Not knowing exactly what I was looking for until I saw a promo photo of the movie Basic Instinct. It depicted the two main characters making love; my writer idol Catherine Tramell and her lover the detective Nick. 
The ultimate playing-at-high-level sex couple!
I knew immediately, that this was going to be the picture for this post, and that I wanted to uplevel my sex game!
.
Although I am very grateful to the friends who helped me do damage control and get me the fuck stable, after I basically broke in the weeks after I saw him;
That is not me.
.
No one has to pick me up, you can just send me home if you re my friend, I don’t care. But I am NOT going to waste sexual encounters coloring within the lines of my comfort zone.
And do you know why?
Not because I think I can do “this”, and be a cool chick or something, but because in my last letter I told you what my vision for my future is;
After 15+ years of being a full-time yoga teacher, 20+ years of being a practitioner; And currently yoga-free business-free, and contemplating a new career based on the vision that’s inside of me; I wrote you how I saw my future.
Rock Star Yoga Teacher.
That was how I saw myself.
.
And although doing yoga has not come to me, as strongly as I would have liked.
My new yoga body, strong and lean, sometimes seems impossibly far away.
And I even catch myself staring at the secret 8 step system, like Harry Potter staring at the wall that says Platform 13 3/4, thinking;
“Will it really work?!”
.
Even though all of those things, all that doubt and uncertainty about can I and will I; I do know one thing! For sure!
Rock Stars do not coast through their sex life, staying within their comfort zone.
They do not say “oh well I have to be careful, because I can get really emotional when I m intimate with someone.”
That is NOT a thing.
.
So although it’s still unclear how to do yoga as a rock star, let alone how to teach that yoga, I have ALWAYS known how to rock my sex life!
And now more than ever is the time to rock it!
At 2 P.M. if we have to.
.
Because curfew has made daytime lovers of us all.
And only one visitor per household.
.

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

Books 

My diaries are available at LULU
New books will be added.

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready,
is to subscribe to this blog.
Button on this page, probably on the top right.

Or follow my Facebook page
/ Twitter: @LSHarteveld

Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/

The Rock Star Yoga Teacher

This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara
Before our call I always give her a headsup..

Dear Sara,

Bad news first: I went through another round of blowing everything up.
And I do mean everything.
I considered deleting all my websites, all my social media accounts including LinkedIn, and I m talking about both my accounts now.
LS Harteveld as well as everything under my real name.
.
I could quieten the rage by only quitting writing here, for Lauren Harteveld. It took the edges off and gave me time to think.
But I was so self-destructive.
.
And the irony is that I can still feel that rage inside of me. It’s not gone. It’s just that by giving myself massively complicated topics write about, like an adult pacifier, I can distract myself.
And by now I m so caught up in them, that I am already thinking of the future. 
.
Is there really no way to make money from my art? 
Or have I even tried?
.
This morning I got a message from a consultant I gave an interview to earlier this month. He was hired by a company where I am a customer, and he was getting back to a few things we had discussed.
One of the things he asked, but that was more of a chitchat thing since it wasn’t relevant to the interview, was;
“How is the yoga by referral coming along?”
A term or job I came up with, when I had heard that he did not have a website or even social media profile. 
He was a “referral-only” consultant. Which had an elusive ring to me.
.
“If I ever start teaching yoga again, I will be a referral-only yoga teacher!”
I had answered.
.
Although I am usually quick to brush things like that off, because I really do not want to be teaching yoga again, but in this case I had asked the Universe to SHOW ME the means how I was supposed to make money.
Because by now I want to know if I am supposed to be looking for a job, or set up a business or or or, what, right?
I was sure the Universe knew the answers, and I literally asked God to show me before I went to sleep.
.
Not remembering my dream when I woke up, I assumed I had not received an answer.
But then I opened my email.
The consultant had sent his email with the yoga teacher by-referral, at 6 minutes past midnight:
15 minutes after I had fallen asleep.
How’s that for a speedy delivery.
.
And there is also the 3-part vision I received, the three sentences, about half a year ago.
They were my three guidelines from God or the Universe, how I was supposed to develop myself.
They were (and like all religious texts they could be interpreted in multiple ways):
1. Get in front of as many people as possible
2. Yoga is my art
3. Album tour. Album tour.
.
Especially the third one, not being a musician I have no idea what that could mean.
Am I meant to go on a book tour, and are my books my albums?
But I only publish books under this name, LS Harteveld, and I want to be known and get “in front of people” under my real name.
Am I supposed to start publishing books (albums) under my real name too? Or should I be making “yoga albums”?
.
Even the second clue, “Yoga is my Art”: There have been weeks when I “felt” that. When I had an intuitive understanding that yoga was indeed my art.
And that I would go back to it.
.
And then there are moments like this when just thinking about picking up the phone and someone wanting a yoga lesson would be enough reason to throw myself off a bridge. 
I would not even go through the trouble of deleting my profiles first.
.
So all in all, the three clues from last year, as well as last night’s yoga teacher by-referral, has not brought the finite vision to which I have a (positive) emotional response. 
.
And then (another clue the universe is working its butt off to get through to me!) I went through a stack of notes, and they were like a “best of” series of insights I had jotted down in the past 6 months or something.
Different paper types, different pens, and also some notes made more sense or spoke to me more than others.
But even with not everything falling into place immediately, one thought shot through my head;
“Oh my God. It’s all there……”
.
One by one, I had written down all the things, all the pieces of the puzzle. And I instinctively knew the puzzle was complete.
I did not need to look anymore, or wonder if it was going to fit.
.
This was everything I needed.
.
So I want to share those notes with you, so that in our coaching call, we can see how they fit together.
.
note 1: I AM THE KATRINA RUTH OF YOGA!! *)
.
This is so true.
I don’t even think it’s about me comparing myself to her in terms of being a badass leader. It really is not about me, nor about her.
What I mean is;
If there had been someone in yoga, like Katrina Ruth, I never would have stopped teaching. I never would have stopped practicing. And since there is no Katrina Ruth of teaching yoga, this means I am the Katrina Ruth of yoga.
.
I can be for yoga what she is for female entrepreneurs:
The positive mirror, the loud older sister who tells you you can fucking do it. The unapologetic bitch who tells you that IT IS time to put your foot down and stake your claim.
.
So that no one like me, ever has to leave yoga again because we just can’t breathe there.
We could level up, where the air is still clear. Go the extra mile, because as we know; It is never crowded there 😉 
.
note 2: PERFORMANCE ART
To be in a state that makes art inevitable. Steward of this energy. Experience of living.
Big ass wave.
Pond.
.
(note 2, last two entries, are a mystery)
.
note 3: EXPRESSIONIST
Putting forward what’s in me, into the world.
Being the guardian of my inner-life.
.
note 2 and 3 were made during one of our coaching calls, although I can’t see when that was.
.
note 4: Teach yoga (like being a psychologist who stays faithful to their craft) the way I believe it should be taught.
To people who will drop out of yoga// get turned off, the way it’s currently commercialized/ taught.
.
note 5: characteristics Historian
Take 25 years off.
High-pressure cooker. (no idea what this means)
We define someone how he makes his money/ instead of by what someone’s interests are. 
.
And finally note 6, which I made just this weekend, and which originated from writing a meaty article on my love life and things I would never again ask of a man, of a lover.
But I noted it down for in our conversation, once I realized that if I reversed it, it fully applied to what people could ask from me, when I thought about it in terms of me offering a “service”, or being a service provider.
.
So where my conclusion in this article I had written on my love life had been:
“I will never expect of a man (after a date), what I would not expect of Jon Bon Jovi (after the show).”
It now became, applicable to me as a service provider;
“No one can ask of me, what they would not ask of Jon Bon Jovi.”
Meaning: I can deliver a peak performance, but the boundaries and roles are clear. 
And of course, then what you do is not service. Not in the way we think of service providers, and in particular not the way we think of yoga teachers.
.
If you deliver a peak performance where the boundaries are clear;
You’ve put on a frickin’ show.
.

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

*) You can find business coach Katrina Ruth on YouTube, Facebook, and she has the best optins (freebies) and great content in the email sequence you get after.
Current Optin:
Everything You Know About Success is Wrong.
A 4-Part Video Series with Quantum Success Coach Katrina Ruth
(or go straight to her website)

Books 

My diaries are available at LULU
New books will be added.

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready,
is to subscribe to this blog.
Button on this page, probably on the top right.

Or follow my Facebook page
/ Twitter: @LSHarteveld

Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/

No Longer Hiding, No Longer Dropping Balls, No More!

This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara
Before our call I always give her a headsup..

Dear Sara,

It was tempting to not write a public blog post, and just like for our last call two weeks ago, to write a private email.
Except: I didn’t really have a good enough reason.
There were no matters that were affecting me, and that needed to stay private.
There was no reason to only email, aside from the fact that I had kind of liked that. It had felt like skipping class, to break my self-imposed rule to always write a blog post preceding our call.
To “earn” your coaching, or to justify spending money on myself.
To first work.
.
So there was nothing going on, compared to last time.
But the fact that I wanted to not write, was a pattern that I have witnessed the past two weeks or perhaps even longer.

That I don’t feel like writing for my LS Harteveld account, or even hesitate writing my pen friend The Saint/ Nikki;
It is all related.
And in a way it feels like mourning.
For a lot of things: Sexuality, my lover (we still see each other but our affair is over), but most of all that I m not further along the road with my art, and in particular with my books.
.
In autumn last year I cleared my agenda to publish my books, as LS Harteveld, so that I could start fresh with a new career under my real name in January.
But it didn’t work.
I barely published any books, and yet I lost three months as well as my entire productivity.
.
Where I used to write one sometimes two posts a day, or create a video and a post, usually under one of my many accounts;
Since autumn it has been terribly quiet.
.
I started 2021 with even less than I had in September or early October.
Feeling massive disappointment, I had screwed it up.
.
And I think that’s most of all what I m coming to terms with on a deeper level. That I can’t clear my agenda to create books. It has cost me three months now, but this has been going on since 2018.
We’ve been here before.
.
It feels like I have been so destructive by throwing all that time away to nothing..
I hope writing it out as bluntly as this, will speed it up. But it feels raw.
.
The good thing that has ultimately come from it, but no sooner than today which is why I am writing you much later than I usually do, is that I understand that creating and posting (so creating something that gets done) has to come before creating things that have a longer cycle.
.
For example, under my real name I make reviews from old Bon Jovi concerts for YouTube.
That usually costs me 5 hours, preparation only.
.
And another example would be publishing the books for Lauren Harteveld/ this account.
That can take anything up to a few days to a few weeks per book.
.
What I learned is that I am a daily creator first, long cycle creator second..
Combined with other obligations this will mean that the long cycle posts and the publishing of books more often than not will not get done.
.
Another thing is that for so very long, I have considered, tried, structured, planned to do important things every day.
And on days when I have a lot of time, I do enjoy it to add half an hour of this and half an hour of that.
.
But Friday, Saturday and Sunday were three days in a row where I had a minimum of two long appointments a day, as well as many people who asked me things and so on;
And all the good habits, and mental peace I had been building during the week, went overboard.
.
By the time it was Sunday night, I was so extremely frustrated over not having done even one blog post in over 72 hours, nor making any headway with my art.
.
So from now on it’s creation first.
Everything else second.
.
And if the publishing of the books of Lauren Harteveld gets done somewhere in the upcoming decade;
That’s soon enough.
.
.

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

Books 

My diaries are available at LULU
New books will be added.

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready,
is to subscribe to this blog.
Button on this page, probably on the top right.

Or follow my Facebook page
/ Twitter: @LSHarteveld

Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/