Rock Star Yoga is a Go. And so is everything else.

This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara
Before our coaching call, I always give her a headsup.
.
Dear Sara,
.
To say it is a Go, must be the biggest understatement of our entire 1 year and 8 months together.
Which is probably not saying that much, since understatements have never really been my thing.
But when I say Rock Star Yoga is a Go I mean I ve given myself 48 hours, to clean up my Rock Star Yoga website (remove ads f.e.), create a sales page, get back with my Rock Star Yoga YouTube AND my Rock Star writing – all of which were designed as a Spare Time When I Feel Like It Projects.
Just like all my other work.
.
I had spent the past months (and this is the ironic part) dismantling my business (yoga teacher and writer) and curating the fun parts as creative endeavors, only to see the Crisis vaporize the chances of getting a job.
I think I already knew it with our last conversation, but that it was so shocking it took many more days to sink in:
But my best bet for a steady income is no longer on a job, Sara.
It is ON ME.
To stay an entrepreneur.
.
As much as I  could very well sell my out-of-the-box marketeer skills, to one of those organisations going through such a hard time right now?
After how many conversations?
At what salary?
At what cost?
Even though I am in quarantine and my conversations with others are so limited – I can just FEEL how much I am, for the normal world to cope with!
How different I am!
That my energy is so disruptive to people who are used to doing things a certain way. My best work is going to trigger resistance, simply by the nature of who I am.
.
Even if my solutions could save a company, it would mean that they would have to trust me in all my uncontrolled wildness, and I would have to trust them with my true me.
That’s a lot of blind faith for uncertain times.
.
Crisis C. put all those plans in the freezer for now, and for many more months to come.
And I don’t count on ever having to get them out and defrost them.
.
I ve got BUTTERFLIES from sending an email to a bank inquiring about their business accounts and with which one I would be able to setup a credit card payments!
I m on it!
And I don’t count on my new business, the company I m giving myself 48 hours to set up – to NOT work.
.
In a way that is strange, because from all my endeavors Rock Star Yoga has been the one I never monetized. It’s the smallest name with the tiniest of followings that I m choosing-
Yet, maybe it is precisely for that reason, that my belief in Rock Star Yoga is solid.
.
I could have chosen LS Harteveld as my main biz:
I have 10 books out, and about the same number in manuscripts.
I ll get back to that  – I have some exciting news!
.
I also very well, could have chosen my normal, local work as a yoga teacher, as my main biz.
I officially retired from that last December, but I never stopped teaching friends.

And most of all, I spontaneously started an online yoga studio last week!
It’s really low-key, just aimed at friends and people who vibe with me.

But this is a good time to be a yoga teacher who is really comfortable in front of the camera. I started making YouTube videos in 2015, I am a veteran.
And my yoga classes (live streams) were amazing!
I was like: “How on earth is it possible that I rock live streams like an absolute pro?!”
But it’s because I ve been following Katrina Ruth’s live streams on Facebook, since December 2016.
It a Soaking-It-Up-Like-A-Sponge Training, that has prepared me for this live work, for over three years.
I wouldn’t say I was born ready as an online yoga teacher, but the classes proved I was certainly ready now!
Rebooting my career as a Dutch online yoga teacher, would be the most logical thing to do in the world.
.
Yet I didn’t.
.
Today I had an unofficial call with my new business mentor, the one I will be working with at the hub I am registering for.
It was supposed to be about my contract which I was filling out, but it accidentally turned into our first coaching call, and he was basically forcing me to CHOOSE.
And I knew I wanted this….
I mean, don’t get me wrong, I know I will never choose when it comes to choosing for an/ one outlet for my creative work (more exciting news about that later too!!!) but my plan for these C-months is to totally go in on my own business, so that in a couple of months I know if I actually still need a job from a financial perspective.
.
My thoughts on a job have not changed.
But my need for it has.
.
I ve always believed that although I acknowledged that in 2020 I would need the job for an income: That I ultimately never wanted to be dependent on that.
In the long run, a job or career, was just because I didn’t want to work from home and never see people.
It was a sensible choice from a social perspective, I craved and craved to have colleagues to interact with. But with context. I certainly didn’t crave, crave hanging out in bars with loud music or going to the movies with friends or something:
I was specifically motivated by the social context offered by a job, over the solitude of being a writer/ yoga teacher.
.
But now it is as if the C. crisis, where I am after all not seeing anybody week after week, is training me to be an entrepreneur.
C. is telling me:

“You got this!”
It is tough right now, but THIS situation (where I can’t even see my friends) is way tougher than a “normal home-entrepreneur situation”, where I would still be seeing my friends.
C. is teaching me to cope without seeing anybody, but with the ultimate benefit of me finding out that not having colleagues as an entrepreneur, is totally doable.
No biggie.
A job as a good and fun way to make an income, still stands.
But I no longer need it for social reasons.
.
And when this business makes the income, I no longer need it at all.
.
When I wrote “this business” in the previous sentence, I deliberately did not say “Rock Star Yoga”. Because although I m changing my business name to Rock Star Yoga, although Rock Star Yoga will be for many people the only thing they know me by;
I m keeping at the two other activities on, that I both see making money.
.
I still want to write and publish as LS Harteveld – both of those two news updates I promised you concern “her”! 
And I still want to keep the online yoga studio for friends.
I currently have a Rock Star Yoga class there (English) and perhaps I ll separate that, but maybe not:
It can very well be, that I m sticking to Rock Star Yoga being a (free) YouTube offer, that the low-key online classes I m teaching now will remain the same;
And that the only thing I sell, is Rock Star Yoga online coaching and public appearances.
.
Because that’s ultimately where I believe my strength lies:
In speaking up about where to get the real juice, the real energy, and in helping people giving themselves permission (basically) to go for it.
The unfiltered, triggering self, the self that is way too full-on in daily life, is the part people “get” and understand, when it’s taught as Rock Star Yoga.
But mostly the mindset part.
Because as tempting as it is, to “package up” the actual yoga, into a monetizable thing:
Is that really what I want?
And: Have I just asked a rhetorical question?
😉
.
So when I said “this business” I meant (yes) my income from Rock Star Yoga coaching, but also online yoga classes for friends, as well as my revenues as LS Harteveld.
As soon as those three together make me a baseline income, the job is off the table.
.
And C. basically saved the day, to be honest…
.
So the two stories I promised!!!
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Over the past year or so I ve started publishing my material for LS Harteveld, the new books, but every time I got stuck.
It’s SO MUCH.
I ve cleaned it up, but I m still looking at hundreds and hundreds of blog posts, divided over three websites and two languages.
It’s a place to get lost.
So what I have decided, is to publish ONE book with all my unpublished Dutch work, called “Blote Kont” (buck naked) the title I had always intended for this book.
And to publish ONE giant, US-letter sized book with all my unpublished English work. And I m calling it All The Things.
This book is then at a much later stage to be divided into smaller (dare I say “more readable”?) books, but at least the bulk of it is out there.
At least, somewhere, somehow, I ve already gone through it once.
And then from there I can start making selections of what goes where.
I think it could easily make 8 books, but it’s hard to tell.
.
So me basically “hacking” how I can start publishing this unruly pile of manuscripts in the form of hundreds of blogposts, was the first good and exciting news.
.
And the other one, was that although I have not written one post from 1995?
I know I m going to.
It is tempting to just give the whole: “Oh LS Harteveld has left 2020” charade up, and start engaging for example on Twitter or Facebook.
But I feel I really NEED to mentally be/ stay in 1995.
.
I was right when I said Lauren Harteveld/ LS Harteveld, the most sexual side of me, simply cannot breathe here.
That she has no choice but to leave 2020 and save herself.
.
But in between everything that wasn’t working here in 2020 ( I still have uncontrollable rants about the disgusting level of civil obedience I see displayed in the Netherlands) (I speculate on this having something to do with why the Germans had no trouble invading the Netherlands) (and maybe I mumble something about backbones and balls being handed in when this crisis started) I could feel that my escape was still in 1995.
And this is how that story goes:
.
Lauren has joined a local yoga studio. Lauren has a yoga diploma, because her mother gives training to teachers and she enjoyed being around on those weekend retreats.
However she has never considered actually doing something with it, nor does she particularly enjoy doing her own practice.
But now a new yoga studio has opened up in her town, and she joins, and she finds it is being ran by a super hot man in his 30’s she calls Jon (..)
His wife just had a baby (this is not information Lauren particularly enjoyed hearing, and she hopes she never has to hear the word wife and baby ever again, for it interferes with her hot fantasies) and they can use all the help they can get, starting this new yoga studio.
So Jon asks Lauren to start sub-teaching three night time classes.
Lauren (untrained, overworked, but eager to impress Jon with both her yoga poses and her flawless teaching – neither one of which skills she currently possesses) accepts his offer, and pretty soon gets strangled in all the heavy duty work and wonders when the unadulterated sex bit starts.   
.
So that is my letter for today! 
I feel it was extremely extensive, maybe we should rename it
All The Things
.
These may have been the two most exciting weeks of my life.
.
.

the writer currently residing in 1995
~Lauren/LS Harteveld

coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2020
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4.
Blote Kont- (Dutch)
5. ALL THE THINGS – unpublished work 2010 – 2020

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.
.
Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/

Snake Pit

Slash 1995, French interview about his band Slash’s Snake Pit
This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara
Before our coaching call, I always give her a headsup.
.
Dear Sara,
.
My Miami Vice DVD box just arrived.
5 Seasons all neatly packed up into one box, which was by the way far sturdier than the reviews at the site were accusing it to be.
Either the packaging was changed or the people who had bits flying around didn’t understand the mechanism.
Which may be a nice metaphor for me or life itself:
If you have bits flying around, you don’t understand how it works.
But either way I have the entire Miami Vice body of work here at my fingertips, and it will get me through quarantine, just like others get through it with more modern media.
.
I got the discs out in one piece but I have plenty of bits flying around in other places.
.
And the title got me thinking:
Miami Vice
The definitive collection.
.
And that it’s so easy to appreciate something once you know the ending.
It’s a lot more difficult if you’re working with the indefinite collection.
Such as your life.
.
Only last Thursday, I cancelled my work, my writing under the name LS Harteveld.
What I basically did was bring her to 1995, where she will pick up diary writing as a 22 year old Lauren.
That is her project.
Like a performance art project.
.
I m still not sure if it will be blogged immediately, here at the blog.
Or if it won’t come out until this age of C. is over.
Until it is safe to tell the story of how I spend my days, without people unconsciously checking which part is true, which is fiction, and if I m a responsible citizen.
.
I don’t know what the rules are where you live, or how you interpret them, but I understand them here, as not being allowed to touch a man unless I m married to him or live together.
.
I just tried to comment on that but when I opened my mouth only snakes, frogs and black tar came out.
That’s how toxic I feel.
How repressed.
How angry.
.
So it’s back to cornerstones of society, marriages and “households”. You can have sex if you are a household.
It’s like we’re back in the 50’s Sara.
I heard they brought the term “head of the family” back in America.
My father used to speak of himself that way, in third person. And it was A JOKE!
.
And ultimately it’s all for our own good, how patronizing.
.
All that freedom we fought for, ever since the 60s.
.
All that economic freedom we created, so many entrepreneurs who will be wiped away in one lock down.
.
What will unemployment be in 3 months?
50%?
.
I m shocked by how easy it is to get your population docile and obedient. And I don’t even think it’s conscious, really.
I don’t believe there is some master plan or rising dictator behind all this.
I think everybody is so afraid, firstly, of their own death.
But this goes further, it is a two-puncher:
First you are confronted with your own mortality.
And then you’re knocked out by being made responsible for the death of others.
.
It would take a professional fighter to counterattack that and to immediately strike back.
The only reason we are so obedient is because C. does not have a face. C. is not a foreign dictator.
But is there not something inherently wrong with giving up your freedom to begin with? 
I find the willingness with which we comply, and that absolutely includes my own, absolutely shocking.
That no political party in the Netherlands, no political party anywhere, has asked:
“Where are our boundaries? When will we stop being so reactive?”
I ve always thought that if a war came, I would be too afraid to join the resistance.
So in a way my own docile behavior disgusts me, yet I knew this was me.
That I would never stand up for freedom.
.
But now we have all these countries, an entire world, who say that we save the world by staying indoors and destroying our economy, demonize human touch.
.
Then what world are we saving?
.
Why does no one ask, where we are going to stop?
.
It scares me.
God damn this entire letter is 100% not what I intended to write.
I m sorry.
I guess it comes out, the way it comes out. Just like it always has.
.
But what I wanted to say is this:
Last Thursday I moved to 1995. And I have arrived safely.
Today I went back to 2020, to pick up the rest of me. Because as it turns out, there wasn’t any part of me that was willing to stay in a country, a time, ruled by fear. 
All my creative outlets will be written from 1995, for as long as this goes on.
.
Maybe that is my message to the world, maybe that is what I realize true freedom is:
People can tell you what to do.
They can keep you from speaking your truth as well.
But no one can ever tell you what to think.
.
The freedom of thought, of where you give your attention to, and what you are completely going to ignore for example by going to 1995 and leave the empty shell of your quarantined body behind;
That freedom is entirely yours.
.

the writer formerly known as
~Lauren/LS Harteveld

coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2020
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4.
Blote Kont- (Dutch)
5. ALL THE THINGS – unpublished work 2010 – 2020

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.
.
Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/

Bring in the Pink Mint Flamingo Miami Vice 80s Retro Mood

24 Hours after what I would call “my identity lock down”, where I announced I will no longer be LS Harteveld and why (I wrote 2 blog posts and reposted none of them because it’s just too depressive) it is hard to establish which part of feeling terrible is because of losing her?
And which part is inevitable, because it’s mourning of a lifestyle and a world that is no longer there and where carefree human relationships will not be fully restored until there is a vaccine?
See. Told you there was a reason I didn’t repost those blogs.
No one needs this.

So between the lines you can read that my conclusion is indeed that the reason today was a toughy, and that I had a very unwelcome migraine-to-go with my period that kept me in bed for a few hours –
that I wouldn’t have felt better if I had not pulled the plug on being LS Harteveld after 14 years.

But as I said in my second blogpost (read at own risk, come back to snack on pink after) which I wrote for my oldest site, not continuing to live present day as an artist, doesn’t exclude me living on in a different time and space.
And for me that place is 1995.

In summer 2019 I started a project 1994. And it’s a project that I always felt deserved more dedication.
That I wasn’t fully IN IT.
The idea of living life as a 22 year old graduate, in 1994, was appealing, but real life kept getting in the way.
Current day, kept getting in the way.

With the C. crisis, there has not been a better time to take art or escapism to a whole new level. And with most of us bound to home, also a very convenient one.
You can now create your own mental space, your own bubble.
And especially if you live alone, everything that happens in your life is more predictable than it usually is.
You can filter it out or reframe it, way easier.

So today I had that migraine. It almost felt like a transition, like time-travel. Shedding old skin, and becoming anew.
And in my 1995 I am not just into that year, not just basking in that decade of optimism;
I m mixing it with my favorite decade, the 80s.
With the pinky minty colors of Miami Vice.

I also like the bold, bright pallet of the 80s and the grungy arty New York feel of the 80s;
But those are not what I need right now.

I need flamingos.
Diners with Formica chairs, in pastel colors.
Don Johnson wearing espadrilles.

And to go to sleep knowing I will wake up in a different time.
Feeling shiny and new.

the writer formerly known as
~Lauren/LS Harteveld

coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2020
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4.
Blote Kont- (Dutch)
5. ALL THE THINGS – unpublished work 2010 – 2020

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.
.
Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/

Intense and Unsettling

Last Tuesday I had a conversation with my creativity coach Sara and it came to how creativity operates in an entirely different way than regular economic exchange.
As a creative you create what you feel called to do.
And then you sell it, or you don’t.
In regular businesses, you create what you can sell.
.
Being creative is a blessing, it is fulfilling, satisfying.
Sexy!
But it is also a curse, addictive and in all likeliness an economic sin.
Your art not just exists outside of existing economic structures:
It also has the power to disrupt it.
.
And if you’re any good at what you do:
It will.
.
A great artist is someone who immediately wakes you up.
Or their work is.
But it’s not a place where you feel all comfortable and fuzzy.
.
So there is that:
The realization that my purpose work takes place outside of society.
And that in all likeliness, it will always place me outside of it as well.
.
But there was also another lesson I learned, and it was something that I think many clients (of Sara) would have found an uncomfortable observation by her.
Yet I totally loved it….
.
We were talking about personal branding, a topic that rarely comes up because I no longer see my creativity as something I necessarily sell.
But we touched on personal branding because I confessed to Sara that I would love to pick up coaching and teaching yoga again;
But was held back so much by this realization that there is something vastly different about me, compared to what someone expects from a coach or a yoga teacher.
.
This something within me kept getting in the way of being able to offer my services.
I wasn’t able to communicate what it was I had to offer, and kept getting stuck in the standard image of a coach or yoga teacher.
That’s when Sara talked about personal branding. And she spoke the words:
“I think your personal brand is INTENSE and UNSETTLING.”

.
Wow.
Yes!
YES IT IS!
.
I once had someone tell me how people immediately felt better when they saw them. That a calm and peaceful mood struck them, where everything was okay, just from being in the presence of this person.
.
I immediately shot back:
“I have THE EXACT OPPOSITE effect on people!”.

Deep fears, coming back to haunt.
Dreams that were lost, suddenly resurfacing.
Insecurities, which were carefully contained for years, suddenly omnipresent.
.
But also: Big and powerful breakthroughs happening in seconds.
.
But also: For the first time seeing their own strength mirrored.
.
But also: A meeting of souls.
.
But also: Receiving clarity and ownership over your life.
.
It wasn’t that I couldn’t see what I had to offer the world, it was that I kept getting stuck in not being able to word it.
.
INTENSE and UNSETTLING

Bingo.

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2020
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4.
Blote Kont- (Dutch)
5. ALL THE THINGS – unpublished work 2010 – 2020

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.
.
Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/

The Stopping of the Giving of the Fucks

This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara
Before our coaching call, I always give her a headsup.
..
Dear Sara,
.
It’s hard to say when I decided to pull myself up by my bootstraps, get back on the field, which I seemed to have given up to former and potential lovers, professions, employers and a variety of financial and sexual saviors to, I don’t know, take a fucking dump or something?
I mean for FUCK’S SAKE what was I thinking Sara?!
What were all these people still doing on my field? Why were they invited or why did I even allow them on? 
.
download (21)But dating problems aside as to when it started, I do think the moment of having a next level fuck-that-shit-moment, putting my cap back on, wiping the snot out of my eyes and the blood off my face, spitting on the home base and giving the pitcher a determined look that regardless of what he was gonna throw at me,
I was going to knock this thing out of the park;
That moment had been brewing for a while.
.
That I had actually been very aware, right from that lousy 10th of December, of how difficult it had been for me.
Not just to see my lover leave. But the why.

It had been a genuine choice by him, and a big leap forward from a moral perspective (and who does not wish for their loved ones to have a clear conscience?). But there had been circumstances which caused me to think this was not entirely voluntarily. This was a man doing what he had to do because life had been so cruel, he could no longer allow for his own cruelty to coexist.
The only way to do the right thing, was to become the angel he had never been.
.
Now I m the first one to admit my perception is terribly biased. And it’s certainly not as if he sat me down and explained himself or defended himself.
But then again:
If he had left me for a badass girl half my age, who filled his penthouse with the smoke of pot, and considered out loud if she’d take a pet hyena – I would have known that.
It’s not an ego thing, that I frame my ex-lover’s departure into him taking a step back to take responsibility over his life. 
.
And it’s not even an ego thing that I unconsciously waited for him, for two months and 19 days.
It’s not even because I thought he would not get by without my company, my love, my sex. In fact I believed it to be a huge relief, to finally not have this “mistress thing” haunting you at night.
.
I don’t know, I don’t know….
Maybe it was because I did respect him so much and did not take this breakup personally, that I wanted to wait to make sure he didn’t come back.
Or maybe the past few months of waiting were my own personal mourning time. 
.
All I knew, and this is the strange part, was that I couldn’t cut ties, nor recognized how powerless I was making myself, until I applied for what I unabashedly labeled “my dream job”.
It was an organization that I love, my favorite department, the location is smashing and it buzzes with energy and worldly excitement. (no it’s not a brothel! lol) 
.
To say “I applied” would be an understatement.
I energetically aligned with them, and wrote a letter from the heart yet it referred to universal principles and could have passed as their 2020 mission statement.
I think it cost me half a workweek, but afterwards it was no longer a question if they were going to give me the job;
It was only a question if they could afford not to.
.
I know it must sound arrogant but just like I had been convinced I was an extremely good mistress, who had offered a unique and extremely valuable arrangement (and her heart!) to the man she loved;
I knew what I offered this company, was beyond their wildest dreams.
.
And then: Nothing.
.
Turns out nothingness is pretty killing when you can’t wait to start having the amazing kickass relationship you saw in your mind’s eye.
Until it finally hits you.
If someone takes THAT amount of time?

It’s not a match.
..
Sure: you could play the game out. Keep your cool. Pretend you didn’t even notice their response took ages, and be like:
“Oh! Now I remember, yes! That application! Jeez, I d forgotten about that, but yeah, I d love to meet up!”
And if this organization had been anyone but my dream employer, I would have had no problem playing this game out, bluffing my way through as if it was poker.
And I would have won.
..
But that hard to get strategy, is not how you win the game of love.
This can only be won by showing your heart. Just like I ve never been shy towards my lover that I was crazy about him. 
In the beginning, when my lover just like this employer, slowed things down by cold shouldering me, I was very vocal and broke up with him.
I said I was crazy about him, and since he seemed to insist on being irritated over how “difficult” I was, I was apparently alone in those feelings.
So bye then.
It was an incident that he would bring up, whenever we brushed on the subject of choosing for each other and get a “real” relationship.
His “You just walked out of me” versus mine “Only because you didn’t want me there”.
But it worked.
And he learned that I would support him, always. That I stood by him, even if he didn’t contact me. I had full faith in his ability to manage his own life, and plan when he wanted to see me and when he didn’t.
But he knew I was crazy about him, and that he wasn’t allowed to treat me as someone who didn’t care.
He had to acknowledge how special he was to me.
That was all I asked.
.
And that’s what happened after waiting for them for two weeks to respond to my letter: I broke up with them, by withdrawing my application.
.
Because I finally saw that it was not their responsibility to explain or excuse themselves or to be a good future employer.
It was my responsibility to get the fuck out of there.
It was never my path to fit into a neatly crafted position, something my application had overdelivered on from the start.
.
My application and the weeks of silence had been equal to falling in love with someone who has not made up his mind, and who has no interest in acknowledging your feelings. Meanwhile leaving you with your heart all open and out in the streets.
Maybe they’ll pick it up for you, once they’ve made up their mind.
Or maybe they’ll trammel it.
.
Which leaves you with only two healthy choices:
Quit (if it’s real love) or turn the game around and treat them the way they treat you.

Pretend it leaves you completely neutral that they ignore you for weeks, and start dating their biggest competitor.
And in all likeliness it has to be a two-puncher:
First quit.
Then if he wins you back, you still have to keep your cool.

This is how I played my cards with my lover, and it’s why I got to be his mistress for five years, and I regret none of it.
Not playing the game, he was used to winning.
Not investing so much time and energy into someone who I have never been able to call “mine”.
It was all worth it.
.
If the object of your affection is your number one priority, you should take your chances.
.
However, before you do, a moment of contemplation is in order.
And in my case that moment came as soon as I started Googling my other options. Searching LinkedIn for the people who ran similar organizations where I could offer my services and make a serious impact.
When suddenly I realized:
“Wait a minute! This is not MY path! This is not my job. No job is.”
.
Once again, AGAIN (!! I can’t stress the stupidity I felt) I had bought into the fantasy that next to my purpose work as an independent, there was a job for me.
A warm and fuzzy place where I was a normal person, and people expected normal things that were not about me.
Where I was part of a team.
Where I belonged.
.
There is no such place, Sara.
.
Just like my relationships with men can be better than they ever had, and I do make sure that they are;
They will always choose someone more relatable and more presentable to settle down with.
Just like my entrepreneurial skills will outdo those of any other employee in terms of making money and making an impact:
They will always choose someone less outspoken and easier to be around with, to take within their walls.
UNLESS!
Unless you make it your number one priority.
.
Any game can be won, if you insist on it.
.
I could have won the heart and become the woman at the side of my lover. Just as I could have gotten this job.
If I had made it my sole focus of attention and dropped anything else.
My writing.
My publishing.
My speaking.
And my entire new life and career which I m currently crafting under my other name.
Everything.
It’s almost as if the other people instinctively know me better than I know myself. That my lover knew I would never stop writing (about us) not even if my life or our love depended on it.
And that any employer will understand that ultimately I don’t live for them.
I live for me.
.
There are no fuzzy office corners with friends for me, Sara.
No job where I ll not be haunted by the idea that the real work is waiting for me at home.
There is no bed for me, where I’m always welcome.
Those were all things that I thought I would get, in return for allowing all those people on the field. I was so, so wrong. I need tattoos to remember this, I need high level boundaries, I need to stop giving fucks and I definitely need to get real about whose game this is.
.
There is a movie with Madonna from 1990, Dick Tracey. She plays a nightclub singer Breathless Mahony.
Confused by all the crime cartels in his city, Dick Tracey tries to figure out who Madonna is playing for.

Dick Tracey:
“Whose side are you one?”

.

Breathless Mahony: 
“The side I m always on. Mine.”

.
Mine, Sara.
Mine.
.
~Lauren

An unexamined life is not worth living

coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2020
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4.
Blote Kont- (Dutch)
5. ALL THE THINGS – unpublished work 2010 – 2020

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.
.
Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/

“What the fuck do you want from me, Catherine?”

I feel that the femme fatale figure of legend,
myth and modern popular culture tells the truth about sexual relations..
About male fear of woman, not male hatred of woman.
.
The femme fatale shows that in her supernatural kind of power,
that woman is ultimately unknowable.
.
Not only to man, but to herself.
.
Camille Paglia
audio commentary to Basic Instinct 
.
This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara
Before our coaching call, I always give her a headsup.
.
Dear Sara,
.
There is only one part of my 1994 project that is actually taking flight.
Just one part of my life, that easily transcends 25 years back, and I would be able to write about in my 1994 series.
.
Everything else that happened is just untranslatable.
.
I can’t share that I ve decided to go out into the world under my real name, starting with an entirely new Bon Jovi YouTube series.
The only filming we did in 1994, was with a camera that had videotapes in them. And we were unlikely to share it with anyone we did not already know.
.
I also cannot tell how I found the bestest job in the history of being LS Harteveld. A job opening which has excited me to the level of Jon Bon Jovi funding my life on the condition that I only do whatever the fuck I want, every day, for the rest of my life.
And if that means I will do him, that would be great. But if not he’ll still be my biggest fan.
That would be like the Next Best Thing, to finding this job.
But it is so tied to modern culture that I have not found a way to translate it to 1994.
.
And in this 1994 series, which really feels like ages since last time I wrote for it, I also cannot tell that in order to apply for this job I am supposed to clean up all my blogs at least to some degree, in order to apply.
And also, the absolute daunting task awaited me, of going through both of the YouTube channels (the description boxes) to clean them up, take out any cross-referencing from my secret pen name to my real name, take out all services that I no longer offer, websites that I no longer support and social media accounts that have changed.
And remove everything that I don’t want biting me in the ass, when I m visible or famous under my real name.
Nor did I want anything online which I did not 100% stood by, the moment I was sending out the most important application of my life.
.
And – and! – Sara, you are not going to believe this;
I can also not work into my 1994 series that YouTube then did the stuff nightmares are made of:
It.
Unedited.
My.
Videos.
.
Five years of work, trimmed endings, cut monologues, ringing doorbells and bare bellies from tops that exposed me;
All online.
And that’s just the stuff under my real name.
God knows what I edited from my more candid LS Harteveld channel.
That channel could have an atomic bomb of bloopers, that could blow up any career, let alone the carefully crafted public image I was creating under my real name.
.
But the good news is that the unexpected YouTube fail left me no choice but to simply take down all 500 videos on my two channels, only leaving a goodbye video on my LS Harteveld channel, and the three videos I had shot for my new series under my real name.
It cost me four hours of intense anxiety and full-blown panic on a Monday night.
It saved me days and days of editing description boxes and a guilt trip towards my audience for every video I removed.
A simple apology on both my channels, explaining what had happened and why I removed the videos, was all it took.
I think I owe YouTube a big Thank You.
.
So all these major life events, the decision to become known under my real name, starting a new video series, finding the perfect job opening, and my adventures with my YouTube channel and the blessing that turned out to be, colored the past two weeks.
Yet I did not write anything for the only series that I hold in the highest regard, and that I consider the most pure version of me:
1994.
Where I translate my life into a fictionalized past.
.
22 Year old Lauren had not moved a finger, in the area of work nor her writing.
And there was really only one aspect where I knew what she had been up to:
She had fallen in love with Michael Douglas.
.
She had no idea why she had managed to miss him, when she had seen Basic Instinct at the theater, but she had.
And now that she owned a videotape of Basic Instinct, she just couldn’t take her eyes off of him.
She was spellbound by his strong, macho on-screen presence. And she was sure the magic was in his voice. 
The way he said: 
“What the fuck do you want from me Catherine?” while looking straight into Sharon Stone’s eyes, up close, sparked a deep longing in her to be with a man again.
To have a man asking her that question, in an almost bored, definitely not impressed with her, way.
.
Maybe her ex-lover Bear would?
She still thought almost exclusively about him. Even though he seemed to have really left.
But maybe it would be someone else, someone new who would come into her life and possess that same kind of distant cool, that made her feel safe. 
Whoever it was, she would recognize him if she saw him.
She was sure of it.
.
And he, would recognize her.
.

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2020
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4.
Blote Kont- (Dutch)
5. ALL THE THINGS – unpublished work 2010 – 2020

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.
.
Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/

My fate was sealed a long time ago

Slash-coverThis is a letter to my creativity coach Sara
Before our coaching call, I always give her a headsup.
.
Dear Sara,
.
I know our call is over a week away, but I m ready to call it a day.
The upcoming week will not bring any dramatic change, nor a massive production of blog posts, because I m kind of… I don’t know.

Done?
I know who I am, I know what I want, and the days of changing direction or wasting time are behind me.
..
Another reason I have found myself toying with the idea to write you this weekend already, is because I have no intention of holding on to the ins and outs as to how I got here.
And as soon as I try to explain it, it rapidly turns into this boring list of all the blog posts I wrote that shaped my mind. I think I m close to 10 including several written under my real name, all written in the past 2 weeks.
I didn’t just write, I also worked and did other things. 
And yet all in all, the past two weeks felt intensely alone. Not lonely.
.
First I assumed it was my obsession with January 1st, that I just wanted to start the decade off by myself. 
But then it became the second of January, third. And nothing changed. 
I would go to the movies, theater, see friends even. But it was almost like I made sure it didn’t impact me as much as it usually does.
I could feel that although I wished I had started the year fresh;
I still had things to figure out.
There was still “life clutter”.
2020 Had not started as clear and purposeful as I had hoped.
December with my lover breaking up and almost daily social appointments, had been hard on me. This year solitude and writing were the only thing I longed for.
To figure things out, and let go what was no longer needed.
The good news was it worked.
.
Last week I saw how all the major aspects of my life, and how I want them in the future, had stayed partially clouded (although for many of them I was on the right path for sure!) because I had failed to see one thing.
Or maybe I had seen it, but I had failed to see the consequence:
THAT I AM A WRITER
Or artist, in a broader sense.
I honestly have no idea how I let’s say “managed to miss that”, because the signs have been all over my two author names, five different blogs, ten published books and material for the next ten already done, but I thought that being a writer, publisher, artist, was somehow something that could be:
– negotiated
– parked
– downplayed
– bargained
And even:
– erased
– denied
– ran away from
.

Slash-1024x1024Yet through the lens of:
“Honey, you’re a writer, you need ample time to process all those times you look for the meaning of Life behind every man you meet (that’s not true, just my lover and the man who looks like Slash), every guitar hero whose biography you read (also not true; just Slash) and every movie you see (probably just everything featuring Adam Driver or other gorgeous men with dark hair).

You re a writer and it’s going to cost you your life.
Get used to it.”
In that light it’s obvious my writing doesn’t budge.

Every time I panicked over something – being someone’s mistress, writing about my sex life to name just a few – it was just because I failed to understand:
I AM a writer.
That’s what I DO.
It’s not a “I m a writer unless I m in love with you, and you don’t want me to write, then I m not a writer.”
It’s not:
“I m a writer unless you want me to really get my head around this new job and go head first into this new world making new friends and giving me a new identity because then I ll be that.”
I m a writer period. It’s not an app that you can remove from your phone.
.
The first areas where this fact, obligation, curse and blessing of being a writer started to sink in were my love life and work. I now know that as much as I would agree that it’s not ethical to write about your sex life, it’s not something I can change any more than the color of my eyes.
As much as I would love to have my life free to jump head-first into a new career: I am a writer already and I publish my own books.
End of story.
.
But there was one area where it took a bit longer.
And I think it was this epiphany that needed the solitude of the first weeks of 2020 before it could come out.
Teaching yoga.
The area I had been on the fence about since summer 2018
.
As you know I have unpaid work with male co-workers, and it’s very practical work. And at the same time I ve pretty much called off all my friendships, and currently no longer hold any steady arrangements of seeing people.
My preferred method of socializing from this year forward, will be through work in a male-dominated, practical environment.
.
Together with the realization that I AM A WRITER this quickly led to the realization that there is no place for teaching yoga in my life. That I want to spend my working hours among men, and my time off behind my desk writing or working on my own publishing business.
Ideally I want to make a full income selling my own books, and work a job 3-4 days a week, including my current unpaid work.
.
I kept all the other things that had to do with the yoga studio. 
The space, my class teaching friends, my own yoga practice. I write for my  Rock Star Yoga blog.
I still see myself as someone who has something to say on yoga, just not teaching it.
Becoming an (albeit antagonistic) spokesperson in the yoga world will still happen. 
.
So after two weeks it’s finally done, all the internal processing and seeing where I will be taking my life.
I’m updating all my websites and profiles, and will update my resume so that it reflects that I am a writer and a publisher. No longer a yoga teacher. 
.
One of the movies that influenced my decision was Words of Love on Leonard Cohen and his muse Marianne Ihlen. It didn’t take long for me to recognize myself in Leonard.
In the poor deal he could cut her, where it was practically impossible for him to give even a little bit of himself to her, I recognized the state of affairs in my own love life.
.
It’s not that I don’t think a man doesn’t deserve safety, warmth, predictability, stability, monogamy, a future. It’s just that I can’t give those things.
.
And all I can offer are words of love.
.

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

related:

On my other blog: Two be one – on Leonard Cohen and Marianne Ihlen

My diaries en erotica are available at my BOOK SHOP


coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2020
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4.
Blote Kont- (Dutch)
5. ALL THE THINGS – unpublished work 2010 – 2020

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.
.
Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/

 

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The Desert Goddess

This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara
Before our coaching call, I always give her a headsup.

Dear Sara,
.
Every time I write you, I feel like checking what I wrote last time.
As if I fear you are keeping checklists of my analysis and conclusions, my plans and resolutions. When in the highly unlikely case that you did, I know you would never use them against me.
That I don’t have to meet any standards of consistency, although obviously a part of me still thinks investing in creativity coaching requires some sort of accountability.
.
I went to Star Wars 9 and to my unpleasant surprise the leaks were true. Despite its promising part 7 and 8, the entire sequel saga which started in 2015, was not about a love story between the darkside warrior Kylo Ren and his equal in the light, the girl from Jakku.
It was about the birth of an overpowered super heroine (the antis use this as something bad, but I ve decided to claim that as my bio) who doesn’t need anybody.
Or at least I hope so, because she ended up all alone without the love of her life, on a desert planet to, as Twitter put it;
“eat sand.”
You can’t blame Star Wars for lack of symbolism, when they let her love interest (who was still on the dark side then) snatch a fertility necklace from her neck,  through Force projection.
I thought this was subliminal messaging for some kind of reference to rough sex.
But apparently it meant:
“No sex for you. Stay a virgin and if you re lucky we’ll give you an immaculate conception so that we can keep fantasizing about you and we don’t have to compete with tall, dark and handsome warriors.”
Eat sand, check.
.
Just like Rey’s future had suddenly changed from happily ever after with her dark prince to facing life alone, my future changed to when my own tall and handsome lover called it quits.
And just like Rey, I tried to tell myself I would get over it, there were more fish in the sea (although few in the desert), and it would all be a chance to redesign my love life.
Being a mistress had been unsatisfactory with regard to the number of times I had sex. I had not had sex for 5 month when we broke up.
Which was an advantage when processing the breakup, but in previous years the numbers had been modest as well.
.

I could see how becoming fully single, would help me to adjust to the idea of having multiple men in my life.
But only when I m in love.
The major takeaway from having been single since 2006, has been that I know that sex without being in love is just as boring to me, as sex within a long-term relationship where the passion has died out.

This requirement alone may very well be why I might never have sex again and I m okay with that.
.
So I was left alone with my thoughts on how I could use this time as a single to upgrade my sex life from having the basics/ a mindset in place that could support one lover, to one that supported at least the idea of having two lovers.

But against any and all of my expectations, something happened that was the opposite of what I expected; When I masturbated my orgasms had intensified.
Practically overnight.
The first time was two days after the breakup.
It was a session of which I thought: 
“Let’s get this over with, so that I have that first time out of the way,”
and BOOM!
.

The only time I remember experiencing this, was around 2006;
When I was in my early 30s.

I had always assumed it had been an age thing.
At that age your body does what it can to talk you into making babies.

But with the same thing happening now, it’s much more likely it was sparked by me and my partner breaking up!
Just like now, it was a very smooth breakup, nothing dramatic.

We even stayed together, living together for another two years. 
As friends.
.

So apparently, as much time as I had invested in figuring out my sexuality and my relationships, as much as I had gained knowledge over all those years – 
I know who I am right now, and that I had been right in 2006 that a long-term sexual relationship really was not my thing-
I had overlooked something major as well:
That I was absolutely fine, being alone.
If anything, I was doing better.
.
I will never stop loving tall, dark and handsome warriors.
And still think Rey and her man should have ended up together, they deserved it.
But as far as my own sex life goes, I now know that there really is no reason whatsoever to “invest” in a love life or to turn myself inside out in order to be able to deal with two lovers.
.
In the end I am just as happy alone in the desert.
And certainly just as hot.

.

~Lauren

An unexamined life is not worth living

.
coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2020
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4.
Blote Kont- (Dutch)
5. ALL THE THINGS – unpublished work 2010 – 2020

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.
.
Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/