“Demons and Daemons” a Facebook novella by Suzanne/Lauren

Published on by LS Harteveld

Half July I started writing on Facebook.
Dark posts.
Incomprehensible posts, sometimes. 
Posts that became irrelevant because things worked out.
For example for my books; They all turned out fine.
For example for my websites: I decided to keep all my work online, and not remove 500 blog posts.
.
But underneath all the turmoil and the struggle, something else developed too.
Once you see it, you cannot unsee;
It was as if The Dark Side took over..
.
Just like Luke Skywalker who drew back to the island Ahch-To so that he (a Jedi) could no longer make the wrong decisions-
that’s how I tried to refrain from writing.
.
If only I could refrain from writing, my life would be better.
If only I could refrain from writing, the man or men in my life would want me again.
I would make money doing a normal job.
I would be happy and my entire life would be one big pink and rainbow colored unicorn universe.
And not the life of a writer, fighting dark forces;
A battle always on the edge of a knife.
.
If I could only refrain from writing, all would be well.
.
The demon, the evil power, and the daemon, the creative spirit or genius, are only one letter apart.
And from the two, only the word demon made it into our lexicon.
.
We all know of famous writers who have gone mad.
Even if you’re not a creator yourself, it must come as no surprise that a writer never knows if they’re going to make it back from the other side, anymore than a Jedi knows he will not die by the sword.
At the end of this collection of posts, which I have called Demons and Daemons, I refer to Stranger Things; The Netflix series about a parallel world called The Upside Down, where everything is like in the real world, but bad and very dark.
People get lost in there.
.
The risk to get lost into darkness, is not just upon entering the portal to a parallel universe.
It is also the fate of a writer.
You go into a fantasy world, and you don’t know if it’s the darkness of the Upside Down, a rainbow unicorn place, or a mixed bag like Alice in Wonderland.
Day after day;
You don’t know.
You have no idea what you’re getting yourself into.
.
With regard to my love life, some things happened behind the scenes.
This year, I ve decided to quit online writing about my love life, so you will not find any of it here.
But I once wrote a post:
“It’s always about a man. And if it’s not about a man, it’s also about a man.”
.
In the three weeks I wrote Demons and Daemons, through my daily Facebook posts, I tried to keep my word and keep my love life out of it.
But since it’s always about a man, and even if it’s not about a man it’s about a man?
Trust me when I say that the best way to read it, is as one metaphor for my love life.
.
That as in business, as in love.
As in mental health, as in love.
.
And if I follow a topic and start writing, whether I end up in the Upside Down, the rainbow unicorn world, or in a world of mixed experiences just like Alice?
It’s all a reflection of the inner world.
Just as for many people the outer world, is a reflection of their inner world, the same thing is true for my writing.
If I write about my thoughts and experiences in the outer world, I still share with you my inner world.
And it’s still always about a man.
.
To me, the final diary entry, day 20 called “Committed”, is the moment I find my true love.
.
But whether he’s a Demon or a Daemon, I guess time will tell.
.
~Lauren
and Suzanne/ Lauren
Day 21, August 2, 2020

 

Untitled Notes from Lauren #1, Mon 13 July

day 1
.
Things are pretty messed up here –
and it’s largely because processing/ rereading all my old work has been extremely stressful.
.
I m planning on publishing everything I have not published, to “celebrate” going offline.
That there really will be a before and after.
But so far it’s more a before I lose my mind, and after.
And I seem eons away from Before I Became A Proper Writer, and after.

So I adjusted my goals to simply getting it done, and let go of the future or the outcome.
Just get it done.
Just get it.
Just.
One of the things I want to start doing to keep myself breathing, is reread notes I made and that I don’t want to forget.
Today’s one is:
“Do the content only you can do.”
I m the only one who can mix diary writing, with 1995 inspired fiction, with Bon Jovi, with sexuality.
Or at least I used to be before my entire life went awol.
Or at least I used to.
Or.
.
~Lauren
.

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Untitled Notes from Lauren #2, Tuesday July 14

day 2
.
I cancelled all my other obligations, to focus on my books for the upcoming 7 weeks..

On. September 1st, I want all my LSH websites cleaned out, everything available in print, and to never have to reread my old life again.
.
In particular nothing of the past 3 years.
.
One of the things I ve been pushing down is my best friend migrating in 2017.
The life where I had a friend who did weekly nights out or tv with me; Who slept over and with whom I had a natural way of being, where we didn’t even have grown up conversations.
It was so cute.
So much fun.

And it hurt so much when she left I just decided to ignore it.
.
And let my life fall apart for three years to come, apparently.
.
—
.
One of the things I want to start doing to keep myself breathing, is reread notes I made and that I don’t want to forget.
.
Today’s one is:
I want to write a book combining sexual awakening with pop culture.
Stories of sexual awakening illustrated with Star Wars, Madonna, Bon Jovi.
.
And judging from the hundreds of blog posts I copy pasted today – there is a fair chance I already wrote it.
.
~Lauren

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Untitled Notes from Lauren #3, Wednesday July 15

day 3
.
After ten days of wrestling my demons, I m out on the other side!
.
I ve done a ton – a ton!! – of work and curating and publishing my work is the highlight of this year.
And the result is going to incredibly beautiful.
.
I m still planning One Big Book with ALL unpublished work -but the title is no longer All The Things.
I m changing it to Rough and Ready.

And I hope many people will understand that in a sexual way.
A writer can dream!
.
So everything is absolutely brilliant here.
It’s going to take my entire summer – but I m convinced that I ll get the big book ready asap, as well as 8 smaller books that contain rounded stories.
When I wrote online, I often wrote on 3 different series at the same time.
That’s why I can easily see how many smaller books I have.
.
PS:
My websites are still up, so if you want to take a quick browse, always welcome!
Here’s the main one: https://laurenharteveld.com/
And here the archive (English & Dutch): http://www.lsharteveld.nl/
.
The Dutch site no longer has everything on there, but a lot is still online: https://zegmaarlauren.com/
.
I don’t know when I m going remove or hide content – but ultimately all sites will be emptied out,
a very practical reason is that I cannot keep the pages current and updated.
Links are outdated as it is already.
.
—
.
One of the things I want to start doing to keep myself breathing, is reread notes I made and that I don’t want to forget.
.
Today’s one is:
I needed to build a wall between public me, or publisher me, sales person me, marketing me –
and the creator LS Harteveld.
.
My work is so deeply personal, there is a reason I have not been selling my work.
I was simply not capable of selling it, without breaking down.
But I m also incredibly happy I do not have a publisher, because I do not like the idea of someone else taking ownership of it.
.
But a firewall if you will, needs to be build.
And is being build as we speak.
I ve made the real, everyday me Suzanne the caretaker of my work.
She’s the steward.
.
And it is so freeing.
.
I feel like a curse has been lifted.
I m behind a wall now, but I have never felt more free
.
~Lauren

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Untitled Notes from Lauren #4, Thursday July 16, 9 P.M.

day 4
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I think today was payday for having an extraordinary good day yesterday..

A part of me is still optimistic:
Cleaning out my websites and publishing all my work – both in one rough version with all the things as well as creating separate books with complete stories – is a good thing.

A fresh start.
After September 1st I will be a proper author:
My real work will be offline – and published straight to paper, not posted to a blog.
.
Everybody who meets me in my new fresh career as grey mouse nobody, will know I am a writer.
Perhaps even know my pen name – but it’s OKAY!
20 books out, that’s respectable capital R.
.
Yeah, yeah: Such a good choice to clear out the blogs and have that sensitive content no longer available to “the public” meaning people I meet in real life I have no control over.
.
So smart.
.
Oh, and the other part of me doesn’t know the difference between preparing for a job in the normal world and removing sensitive content on one hand;
And getting your affairs in order because you’re dying and you have to leave all that you value behind.
.
Doesn’t know the difference between not blogging as LS Harteveld, and death.
.
—
.
One of the things I want to start doing to keep myself breathing, is reread notes I made and that I don’t want to forget.
.
Today’s one is:
That the reason I feel so angry towards a fictional employer, imaginary colleagues and anger towards myself because I have not been able, nor prioritized, making money from my writing –
is because I’m angry at “them” for taking my soul.
.
But not nearly as angry as I am with myself for willingly killing myself off before going in.
.
But judging from how poorly I m currently doing at the idea of (involuntarily) cleaning out my blog –
I didn’t need to write that down, nor have I forgotten.
.
I know.
.
And in the words of Kylo Ren:
“I know what I have to do. I just don’t know if I have the strength to do it.”
.
He made the wrong choice by the way, after that –
Let me commit to making tomorrow a better day.
.
And making the right choice.
.
~Lauren

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Untitled Notes from Lauren #5, Friday July 17

day 5
.
Today was okay-ish!
Which definitely means it was a hundred percent better than yesterday.
And my books have arrived, and after the Lulu software update, my books are still good to go!
The copies are as they always were:
.
With regard to my plans to basically wipe out my entire existence from the internets, in favor of publishing more books and feeling stronger when I get a job;
I ve decided to not delete my English content, in order to feel “safe” in the real world.
Dutch content though?
No verdict yet.
Not just because I m changing my life to creating space for a normal job, and Dutch content is indeed more readily digestible, it speaks to people.
No… that isn’t it.
You know, I d be pretty stupid if I would delete content that speaks to people.
No the reason I m considering deleting the Dutch content is because it’s not 100% me…. there is a layer of downplaying and false self-deprecating going on there that seems almost inborn to the language itself.
.
If I go out into the world I want to fully back myself.
Modesty, normality, hell even accessibility and relatability?
Not my forte.
Not my brand.
Not me.
.
I m seriously still considering deleting the Dutch content but with regard to the English content I m more prone towards a serious clean-up, archiving the blog posts if you will;
Keeping them online in a low maintenance text-only version, and making clear references to programs I m no longer selling, a YouTube channel I no longer have and so on –
is just part of its authenticity.
It’s part of the story.
.
I m thinking about it…
But I feel a lot lighter and happier than I have all week.
—
.
One of the things I want to start doing to keep myself breathing, is reread notes I made and that I don’t want to forget.
.
Today’s one is:
A Daimon or a Daemon is a spirit being that creates your art with you and through you.
It has been described in literature dating from the ancient Greeks.
And I keep wondering what mine looks like.
I THINK he looks like Lucifer from the series.
But I KNOW how he works!
.
Because my Daemon seduces me very, very skillfully.
He says: “Oh just one little blog post. Humor me.”
And he taps the bed next to him.
.
And then five hours later we have a 5000 word story, my hair is all messed up, I ve missed all my appointments, and when I look at him as in:
“But you said we were just…”
He shrugs, barely caring at all!
“Oh well….” he says, as he lights up his cigarette.
.
And we both know I ll say yes the next time he asks.
.
That’s my Daemon.
.
~Lauren.

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Untitled Notes from Lauren #6, Saturday July 18

day 6
.
I had an amazing day, but it was a bit much to take in.
So I m not exactly radiating my Saturday night away, but I can feel an incredibly important shift in my energy, and in me accepting myself just like Lucifer in the series on Netflix.
.
Today was so much about realizing;
“Okay, I m going to be smarter with my writing to make money/ I m going to be smarter with my writing to please an employer or at least not stand out like a sore thumb, I m going to be smarter with my writing to not scare every man away because he ll know he get into my blog”
.
Okay, okay, okay.
I get it.
But really?
.
And then where Lauren Harteveld, real name Suzanne, where, my Love, is it going to end?
With you mousing your way through Plain Jane Life in a way God nor the Devil ever wanted for you?
That’s the plan, uhm?
.
Today, I, under all my names, and I like to think with the support of every celestial being appointed with the task of guarding my fate;
We all agreed that that was indeed, NOT the plan.
.
~Lauren
—
.
One of the things I want to start doing to keep myself breathing, is reread notes I made and that I don’t want to forget.
.
Today’s note is about the three core practices that are my creativity in its most rudimentary form.
The first one is play; silliness, fun.
The second is investigating. Like when I study Bon Jovi materials, or marketing. Or watch Lucifer or another series, especially the ones I have on dvd.
The third practice is alignment or mysticism.
What is aligned for me today?
.
An accompanying note is about the role of advisors in my life.
Some official, my coaches or teachers.
Some are very unofficial, like Jon Bon Jovi and the men I am in love with.
Although they do not coach me, nor teach me, I learn from them.
Sometimes I learn to back myself when they make choices I would not.
Sometimes I learn new things by following their lead or interest.
But with all advisors there is such an incredible sense of love, and gratitude.
.
Speaking of which, yesterday night I started a gratitude journal. Because I felt my heart and life were simply overflowing with it;
I wanted to capture it.
And today too, I ve written down all the wonderful things that happened today.
.
You know, maybe I am radiating my Saturday night away, after all.
.
~Lauren

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Untitled Notes from Lauren #7, Sunday July 19

day 8
.
I spent an hour writing a post –
Only to have it eaten by Fb because the Gif was too short to upload.
.
I even copied it because I knew that could happen!
But the copy FAILED!
Just 5 words instead of a thousand.
.
The post was about Faith.
So I have FAITH this was meant to be.
.
~Lauren
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A New Journey Begins

in the movie Basic Instinct Sharon Stone plays a writer, Catherine Tramell

day 13, Saturday July 25

.
“After God’s Omen of having my text disappear into thin air on the day of the lord,
one is of course aware that signs are being sent and caution is called for!”
.
It is exactly one week ago that I posted an Untitled Notes from Lauren here on Facebook.
I did write one more, on Sunday, but that one was eaten by Facebook editor AND it was also eaten by the copy paster, which had only copied 4 sentences instead of the thousand or so words.
.
Because these Facebook notes – also known as the feast called “illegal blogging” where I feel less pressure because it’s not posted to a blog (sometimes I harvest them later, and blog them together) – do have a habit of becoming lengthy.
Usually the length a normal blogger would publish to the blog without hesitation, but I still prefer them here.
Illegally.
.
So what happened?
Well after God’s Omen of having my text disappear into thin air on the day of the lord, one is of course aware that signs are being sent and caution is called for!
.
And indeed, despite holding up day-by-day reasonably well, and even writing both as Lauren and under my real name (Suzanne) that things were going really good;
This was all a matter of perspective.
Good lighting so to speak.
The way a photographer chooses to portray his model in a certain way.
.
In the same way I too, always tend to focus on the positive and not dramatize things.
But there was some stuff happening behind the scenes that showed me (as many posts confess a conclusion I ve drawn about six times in the last 2,5 years)
that the time has come to stop ->online<- writing as LS Harteveld.
.
So I did.
.
And because it came together with the realization – not to say disillusion – that my 14 year long journey in search of the right relationship style and my sexual preferences, had come to an end, it was a bit of a two puncher.
.
First coming to a conclusion that LS Harteveld had to stop writing online.
(a conclusion which had been drawn before)
And that my 14 year journey had come to an end.
(something never thought before)
.
In 2006 I broke up with my partner after 14 years, and went in search of what I did want – hoping to find an explanation why I wasn’t satisfied in a healthy and fun relationship we were having.
That question is answered.
.
But because it involved things like “secrecy” “forbidden fruit” “double identities” yada yada –
Oh!
Almost forgot the most important one.
It also involves:
“Men with whom you have fantastic sex still not choosing for you”
So that was a bummer when you find out you’re still losing the best guys the same way you did as a teen-
but I m already way too elaborate.
So anyway!
Back to why the result of the 14 year long journey was that the blog, the honesty, the entire sex thing on paper – had to go,
was because if I have a chance of a normal relationship – a guy choosing me for once – and the great sex becomes a great relationship, just like it did 28 years ago;
In that case The Lady cannot have a blog.
.
And not just because HE would not accept it if he is known as my partner and I write about how I finally get it in all the ways, and all the days, and how I m now finally in sexual nirvana;
No.
I would not want that.
I don’t want to blog about going steady.
.
I would get totally freaked out if the man I seeing intimately and we’re together day after day, if I would at the same time be writing about him.
.
Writing here – online as LS Harteveld – was a journey of self-discovery.
But it will prevent relationships to grow, maybe it already has.
They might never go beyond the secret-lover status, and if they do, then I am the one who doesn’t want to blog anymore.
If I knew beforehand I would never ever get into something serious, I could keep it up.
But that’s not the case.
.
So that was the reason I knew, and know, that I will no longer be writing online as LS Harteveld.
I will continue my 1994 series, but that will be an offline endeavor, so my pen doesn’t really shape the reality
I could postpone 5 years before I publish.
Who knows, maybe I don’t even feel like writing that anymore…
there is no way to tell.
.
So the writing part died out because of that.
But I had also picked up curating/ publishing all the material, and that also got a slap in the face last week.
There were a couple of men or situations/possibilities that completely bottomed out, and I felt so empty handed.
The thought of going through that work, even if I “feel like” Suzanne the editor and not like Lauren the woman or girl who wanted to be with those men –
it was very raw and I could not see myself editing.
.
Still can’t.
.
But the difference with last week, is that I ve so made my peace with everything.
It was a beautiful journey, searching for your sexuality for 14 years straight.
And I found it, I know now what it is that I like and why a long term relationship with someone who is faithful to me, is not going to work.
I want a long term relationship with someone very supportive of me, including when i would want sexual adventures with others.
But most of all I need him to keep things exciting, for us both basically.
He needs to be open and exploratory with other women.
.
But the relationship I seek does not need seeking.
The man I seek doesn’t either.
Anything I do to “get there”; it all feels so off.
After 14 years, I m done doing anything for my love life
I m done!
It’s okay to be alone, I m not going to spend another minute of my life “trying”.
Enough is enough.
.
This morning I woke up knowing that YES, I am “over” the scare and sorrow of having to go through everything I wrote the past 14 years, that has not been published yet.
I will do it.
I will curate it, edit it, publish it.
I, Suzanne, will take care of this legacy I built.
.
And there is something else; The name thing.
Signing just as Suzanne doesn’t feel good.
“Lauren” has become a part of me.
So much, that I have actually considered adding “Lauren” to my name, on all my other accounts as well.
I won’t, but I will here!
.
So I am Suzanne/Lauren, the editor of Lauren Harteveld, a fictional writer who wrote about sex, relationships, movies, pop culture, from 2006 until the summer of 2020.
.
And maybe we can see that as our new journey.
You and me.
Together.
.
Maybe we were the ones that were supposed to find each other.
And ride off into the sunset.
.

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I got the male midlife crisis

Michael Douglas (then 48) on the set of Basic Instinct

day 14, Sunday July 26
.

“Because some of my readers may still be looking for an explanation wtf hit them between 42 and 56 depending on your gender (I ll give you the correct ages later)
I have chosen to share this.”
. 
Considering both how much I dreaded going into this midlife phase
– which was mapped out in our yoga education and that horrified me because all options of how my 42 year + period would strike me seemed equally horrible –
as well as how much I have thought about why my life was shot to hell the past couple of years yet I seem to be miraculously cured at my 48th birthday,
it is surprising it took me until this weekend to consider that something peculiar has happened.
.
Because some of my readers may still be looking for an explanation wtf hit them between 42 and 56 depending on your gender (I ll give you the correct ages later)
I have chosen to share this.
That really is the only reason, because “I” Lauren Harteveld, my pseudonym, is living in 1995 where I just turned 23, so this does conflict with my current art form/ performance.
And “I” Suzanne, who is the current-day-bound of the two, also tends to ignore everything about her biological age as well as the covid struck reality we’re currently living in, as much as possible.
.
So I had already decided against sharing my midlife insights, until I realized that if I can help even one person, feeling a tiny bit better than I did the past three years-
it was plenty of reason to start sharing.
.
So let’s start sharing.
.
In general the midlife crisis of men in their early 50s, and the going through the menses of women late 40s are phenomenons very well documented.
Usually as pretty painful, but also always temporary.
One day you wake up and your physical ailments, as it usually express itself in women, or your existential crisis as it presents itself in men, is gone.
.
But yoga offers a little bit broader perspective on things, dating this female time of deep crisis (worst case scenario) or of starting anew (optimistic outcome) from her 42nd to her 48th;
And with men the male midlife crisis which is the same time of deep crisis or starting with a new woman or a new family- between his 49th birthday and his 56th.
So the women and men are on different cycles, first of all time wise with the women snapping out of it a year before the men are even started, but men and women also differ in how it expresses itself.
.
This model of the midlife crisis is related to the 7 chakras, and you move up bottom to top.
So you start at birth in the rudimentary root chakra, and at age 6 (girls) or age 7 (boys) you move up to the second chakra.
From 36 to 42 the woman goes through her most spiritual enlightened chakra (7), only to be cast back to the hell of the first chakra age 42.
She will leave:
– men
– children
– jobs
– careers
Behind only to go on a quest for Je Ne Sais Quoi in infinite forms, usually ending up disappointed.
Or she’ll find a new man, start a new family, or have a child.
So option one is she’ll basically lose 6 years, option B is she’ll start again and option C is the worst of all, which is she’ll get sick and lose the 6 years getting better. Or worse.
.
I think I must have blocked the very thought of what would happen after my 42nd birthday, because I can remember dreading it when I was younger;
Yet cannot remember ever reflecting on the entire thing when my life had it’s own funny roller coaster way of falling apart and coming apart at the seams.
A time when a little perspective would have been useful information.
.
So anyway- looking back, I can say, yes –
time wise I was female.
From 42-48 I did go through the 1st chakra period of having the female version of a midlife crisis in the sense that I lost everything.
And yet!
I didn’t go on a quest to look for myself in India.
I basically abandoned yoga those years, even though I was a yoga teacher.
I certainly did not become pregnant, and being someone’s secret lover can in no way qualify as starting a new family.
.
And then this weekend I saw it!
Aha!
So three guesses for whom the most likely scenario going through a midlife crisis is having secretive, exciting, sexual affairs?
Who does not go to India finding themselves?
Who starts getting totally repulsed by the idea of boring long term relationships full of commitments?
Men!
.
If I view my midlife years, the 1st chakra years of yoga which for a woman are 42-48 and for a man 49-56;
If I view how horrible I felt, and that the only thing that was able to bring me joy (really bring me joy) was an affair that revolved around the bestest time ever and doing all the things in all the ways-
I spent my midlife years in a perfectly normal way!
.
I once took a test and my brain scored 97% on being male.
You can take it here, in case you’re interested:
.
So even though this insight is not going to make those years less painful, or make the “God damn I lost at least three years” (in my case) feeling of hopelessness any less;
Knowing I got to have a secret affair instead of going to India, getting pregnant or falling ill;
I got a STUNNING deal and I should never ever, speak badly of it ever again!

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About the Boys

day 16, Tuesday July 28
.
“My eyes would start spinning and produce hearts like one of those cartoon characters.
ALL that time, money, and single mindedness available for something else?
Omg, omg,”
.
For the past 14 years I ve done everything I could to discover, shape, and even perfect, my love and sex life.
Some things worked out, some didn’t, but in the end it was the same reasoning I have when it comes to having children, that snapped me out of it.
.
It’s a question I used whenever I thought about wanting children and leaned towards:
“Well, you know with the right man.”
“You never know.”
“It would be incredibly cute.”
“I love babies.”
.
I counterbalanced it with:
“But if you would have to choose between having a child or have all that care, effort, blood, sweat and tears, all that time and money available for something else.
Then which one would you choose?”
.
My eyes would start spinning and produce hearts like one of those cartoon characters.
ALL that time, money, and single mindedness available for something else?
Omg, omg, that is like being allowed to eat all the candy you want without damaging your teeth or your health.
A question like, if you would be a millionaire and money was unlimited, what would you do?
.
Imagining that future without children was always the more appealing option.
.
Now, I have to admit, that I do not recommend making your choices this way. It worked for me, because I had already decided I didn’t want them.
But the reason it will not work in general, is that it is extremely difficult to muster that kind of commitment and dedication when you don’t have a little human depending on you.
Unwritten books, non-build businesses and trips around the world that are not taken, do not have the same sense of urgency as an infant.
.
Just like I ultimately didn’t want children, I decided recently that I wasn’t going to invest, learn, turn myself inside out and so on, over my love life ever again.
.
And realizing all those thoughts could now be spend on something else, almost made my heart skip a beat!
What an inspiring thought!
.
If the next 14 year I would dedicate those mental resources and that time, to a new cause, what would it be?
.
I decided building my legacy and empire as a writer (under two names) and BODY.
Oh, dear mother of God, if only I would get off my ass and not write so much (I admit I immediately saw how this conflicted with my first goal), and do yoga, go outside, exercise a bit, but mainly-
If I would just give the MENTAL attention to being a successful writer and having a strong and healthy body,
as I had given to men the past 14 years?
I would soar.
.
So I got to work, and I have to say, I was very happy with the result!
It was even better than 14 years ago.
I knew what I wanted, and I knew which practices would help me. I drew that blueprint of daily practices and healthy habits, just like that.
.
One of the things was mindset work around the areas of writing, body AND having lovers.
So I was not longer trying, for lovers.
No.
They were also not going to be worked on, or anything like that.
From now on they, the lovers plural (although I m monogamous I thought two was better, to keep it light, although I m still not sure I can handle that mentally)
were just going the be there.
Without question.
.
So I was totally happy with how things were going.
Yet tonight I realized that despite being very involved in all the topics I had created affirmations about, I was only actively thinking about the men, the lovers.
.
All the other things were forgotten the moment I had closed that journal.
.
Yet I did some digging and discovered that despite fantasizing about men, and not about anything else –
I had come home from a bike ride, sat back behind my desk and was exceptionally inspired.
Instead of writing two tiny posts, which I thought would take me 45 minutes, this is my third big post.
The other two were written under my real name;
One is posted today, at Rock Star Writer Nijmegen, the other will be posted over there tomorrow.
.
So I had “wasted” mental bandwidth thinking “about boys”, something I have been thinking about for 14 years and that I thought I was done thinking about.
But after I came home I was extremely productive!
.
In hindsight – you know those women who get angry at the thought of having to limit themselves once they become a mother, or having to choose one or the other?
And then they just do all of it?
.
That would have been me.
.

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The Pleasure Dome

day 17, Wednesday July 29

“Is there even a micro chance that I would not feel like an entire fluke, an impostor, a woman who had a calling and who then threw it all away for financial security?
Of course not.”
 
I think I should know better by now, but still the thought that the answer to every question in my life, can be found in having some kind of daily routine in what I do,
keeps having a tremendous appeal on me.
.
I mean just think;
If I become a writer who writes every day,
shows up for her art,
and also creates her books – which is more a back office endeavor, and one that requires a tremendous amount of ass sitting hours while at the same time generating an infinite amount of self-doubt.
Also manages her finances like a grownup.
Goes out every once in a while, has a place in the real world too, I m mean you know-
to be more than “just” an online writer!
.
Be someone that people can talk to, and you know what to say back and they think you re a normal person instead of a purpose driven mad woman who gets up every day haunted by a story that needs to be written and trying to put it off as long as she can, because she figures The Grown Up Stuff needs to be done first.
.
So let’s imagine I would finally become such a person, and generate the results such a person has!
Grown-up, sensible writers have grown-up sensible results.
.
Would I then feel accomplished?
.
I think this was a rhetorical question, I think the real question would be:
Would I then still be able to look myself in the eye?
.
Is there even a micro chance that I would not feel like an entire fluke, an impostor, a woman who had a calling and who then threw it all away for financial security?
.
Of course not.
.
Because it’s not about being organized, or about embracing the chaos.
Success, purpose, a life well lived;
None of those things are related to doing this or that.
It is all only related to who YOU are.
.
If you thrive on chaos, so will your finances.
If you drive on order, so will your purpose.
(your purpose will probably tempt you to create a 12 step plan for it, if you are a person who loves order)
.
Your life will not be fully lived, and “results” (esp. the vague ones like feeling accomplished and one with God and everything) will never come,
unless what you do is 100% aligned with who you are.
.
Realizing this I have been wondering-
then who AM I?
.
What characteristic, if it’s not being grown-up, if it’s not being organized, if it’s not creating 12 step programs let alone following them, and if it is definitely not being some writer-block suffering author who hopes the muses will visit one day, but instead of that I m more like a demon possessed crazy creator-
But what is THE characteristic, that I AM?
.
And I decided that was pleasure.
.
If there is a characteristic that will get me “there”, something that will make me feel like the day, the month, the year and the life was lived well;
It’s knowing I always went for what I desired, probably at first sight.
My mouth watered.
My eyes sparkled.
My heart opened.
Damn, who knows, maybe even my loins set on fire.
.
But that I reached out, and connected with it.
.
In the series Lucifer there is a female demon Maze.
Just like Lucifer himself, she is blessed with a strong appetite for sex, in any way, shape or form but she prefers the leather type ones.
Her unapologeticness about it is refreshing.
.
As is the thought to just – as an experiment maybe? – to fully be as you are, and do life as you are;
And see what happens.
.

.


The Right Side Up

warm moment when the right side was up, in Stranger Things
day 18, Thursday July 30
.
“The reason I declined to give an interview,
was that I had no uplifting words for newborn entrepreneurs.
.
My advice would have been:
“Run! Run! Flee while you can!!””
.
I was contacted with regard to wanting to talk about my yoga business..
I think it was the same show that contacted me in December.
Although right then I still saw myself as a yoga teacher (a writing one and not one teaching classes. I only taught to friends, until Covid came and I stopped doing that too), I declined then.
And I declined now.
.
The reason they asked me now, was accurate;
They were looking for entrepreneurs who had quit their business.
It was done with the Chamber of Commerce, so this indicated to me that we were supposed to be giving some advice on how to run your business.
Like: How can you prevent you have to stop, kind of thing.
.
The reason I declined to give an interview, was that I had no uplifting words for newborn entrepreneurs.
My advice would have been:
“Run! Run! Flee while you can!!”
.
And I answered with a detailed explanation of why I would strongly advise against starting a business, before you have at least a €25.000 a year hustle going.
Work as an independent seller.
A civilian.
Let people pay you without VAT.
And we have a special tax box in The Netherlands for “Other income”; Just put it there.
Or ask to be put on the payroll, or paid through a payroll agency.
Don’t do anything illegal.
I m not telling you to dodge taxes or anything, just whatever you do?
Do.
Not.
Start.
A.
Business.
.
After I had clicked send in the Facebook chat, I realized I had failed to make one more final argument;
“Oh, and with Covid you’re the gofer for our government. You’re supposed to be collecting health statuses from your clients, when in 2018 you were obliged to draw up a detailed company privacy statement because you occasionally saw some name-address-city data.”
.
There.
Big go f yourself, Dutch government.
Go find someone else to do your henchmen work, because at some point Dutch entrepreneurs are simply going to decide to go underground, work a payroll job, or will simply refuse to lift another finger because they re not interested in continuously being bullied into submitting themselves to ever more legislation, depending on what agenda it is now you want to push.
.
I ve seen yoga teachers who made less than a thousand euros a year, yet they still had to register at Chamber of Commerce, register for a VAT number, keep a VAT administration, a business administration, get professional liability insurance.
.
Trust me, until you’ve got €25.000 in sales, there is no reason you would want to invest in being a proper business.
.
So the question on if I wanted to cooperate with a tv program on entrepreneurs who had quit their business, basically unlocked the doors to my internal hell.
If I had wanted to speak kind words, I would not have known where to find them.
.
“My vision on this is so dark, I don’t think that’s what you’re looking for,” I ended my message.
.
I knew I had 20 years of bottled up anger and resentment to this over-legislation, especially with Anglo Saxon countries coming with ever more books like The Side Hustle, The 4 Hour workweek (in the Netherlands just doing your admin and drawing up all your legal papers would take you 4 hours a week!)-
Yet I had no idea it was this close to the surface.
.
That one question was enough to trigger me in saying so many bad things.
.
I felt it was a bit like the Upside Down;
A parallel universe in the series Stranger Things.
All the landmarks, buildings and so on are the same as in our universe, but there are no people just monsters like in Alien.
It is always dark.
And everything is covered in slime.
.
In season 1 of Stranger Things, a girl who has been used for medical experiments, El, is the only one who is strong enough to fight the creatures who live there, because she has superpowers.
.
This shadow world The Upside Down has portals into the normal world, but the main characteristic is:
It IS the normal world.
.
It is the normal world, when all of our nightmares have come true, and we’re cold all alone hiding under a damp blanket in the middle of the dark forest.
.
Already when watching this series, I started wondering:
“If there is a dark Upside Down world;
Would there not also be a parallel universe of light?”
.
And today I expanded on that question:
“If there is a topic that gets me so vile and nasty and unforgiving, in a flash of a second;
Is there a topic that gets me in the best of spirits?”
.
I realized, that yes, there is. There are.
But just like in the series;
The dark sticks to you so much more.
Once the cold has set into your bones, it seems impossible to get rid of.
.
Once you’ve seen the darkness, it becomes increasingly impossible to see the light.
To see the good.
Even just for a second.
.
The Right Side Up world, as I will call it, becomes a place of fiction and myth.
Whereas The Upside Down world of darkness and despair, seems ever more real.
.
It took El’s superpowers to cast the beast back into the shadow world, and to close the portal.
And even she was sucked into that world, as a result of her brave action.
No one thought to go look for her afterwards, or rescue her there.
.
And meanwhile everybody else had their Season 1 Happily Ever After.
.
On payroll, I presume.
.

.

Rock Bottom

day 19, Friday July 31
.
I am so angry, I just wrote for nearly two hours, and deleted everything.
What is it: If you don’t have anything nice to say?
I didn’t.
.
There’s enough darkness without me starting a war.

.

COMMITTED (a happy ending)

day 20, Saturday August 1
.
“And yet; I had not committed.
And yet: I had not pursued.
.
I had treated Writing as some unwanted force in my life.
Like a life event or an all-consuming job that you didn’t voluntarily choose.”
.
I have a sign in the bathroom of my yoga studio.
Yes- I still have my yoga space.
Even though I ve retired as a yoga teacher and am no longer teaching friends either, because of Covid.
For the time being I m keeping it on as a space for my own private practice, and who knows I will really start connecting to it again, and feel that it is a part of me.
A place of power.
A place of history.
But right now, in summer (there were some issues with the heating, which makes it hard to look into the future and know if I ll keep it) I ll keep it.
It’s a nice and cool place to practice, so it’s ideal.
.
Today, the first of August, I studied the sign at the door of the toilet.
It has about 30+ meme like sentences.
And I decided to pick one every day, so it will be my private yoga theme for August.
.
The first one was:
“Find a passion and pursue it”
.
And I immediately thought about something I had read this morning, in a book on Vincent van Gogh.
That Vincent had struggled finding his place in life, and he would continue to do so (his brother supported him) BUT!
The moment he ceased his search to earn a living and become successful with another profession and commit to his art instead, a weight was lifted from his shoulders.
He started developing himself really quickly and his work would never have reached the height it did, if he had stayed stuck in trying to be something he wasn’t.
.
I have been less deliberate in choosing the path of a writer, and certainly not at age 27, because I wasn’t a writer then.
Although the professor who had supervised my thesis, had saved my emails and had printed them and gave them back to me when I got my diploma.
He had really enjoyed reading them, and wanted me to reread them some time.
.
Aside from diary writing and correspondence, I didn’t start writing until the year we broke up our long-term relationship.
We had been together for 14 years, and in 2006 it would strand and I would also start writing.
.
Just like my relationship had lasted 14 years, the existence or this work under my penname LS Harteveld, also became difficult after 14 years.
This summer I have made some drastic changes one of them is that I write here under my real name Suzanne,
and that LS Harteveld (Lauren) is living in 1995 and writing offline.
This means (among other things) that I will never write online about my life, in particular my love life.
.
Online diary writing or erotic story writing has ended –
and with that LS Harteveld is now far less active/ current than it used to be.
In the end that was really all there was to it;
A shift from online writing to offline writing for LS Harteveld.
.
But I didn’t know that beforehand!
There have also been times when I thought this summer was the moment to stop writing for this account LS Harteveld entirely, and delete all the blogs.
.
It all worked out differently.
I m curating the blog, and I m also – almost automatically – writing for this account daily.
It costs me hours and hours, but it are stories that I really want to tell.
And I also write for my other account under my real name.
.
So I read this first sentence on the sign on my door:
Find a passion and pursue it.
.
I read how much good choosing for his art did for Vincent.
.
I have a daily practice of writing for two different accounts.
.
I am looking for a part-time job in manufacturing, or cleaning;
Something that has me up and walking, instead of sitting.
Something that doesn’t require any mental bandwidth.
But most of all;
Something that saves me from myself.
.
So that for like 24 hours or so a week, I DO NOT write.
I DO NOT think.
I do not drive myself mad, I do not “sit behind my typewriter and bleed” as Ernest Hemingway called it.
.
So this summer, for the very first time, I had consciously put all those building blocks in place, accepting the inevitable:
That I am a writer.
.
And yet; I had not committed.
And yet: I had not pursued.
.
I had treated Writing as some unwanted force in my life.
Like a life event or an all-consuming job that you didn’t voluntarily choose.
And for the first time I had designed my life around it.
.
My life was now crafted around the inevitable fact that I was a writer.
.
My PASSION, the thing I had automatically started doing when my partner and me split up, the thing that had taken the place of my partner immediately –
and even before we had decided to split, oh how symbolic-
that passion, Writing, had become:
The inevitable.
An all consuming and unwanted force.
An all-consuming job that I didn’t voluntarily choose.
.
The combination of the choice from Vincent van Gogh for his art, and the first sentence on that sign (Find your passion and pursue it) made me realize I wanted more for my writing, my purpose, my faithful companion since 2006, than to grudgingly be allowed to exist.
.
So from this day forward, till death do us part:
I CHOOSE you writing.
.
Muse that has come under different names and different shapes.
Muse that has always given me more ideas than I can possibly process or execute in this lifetime.
You are the bringer of plenty, that much is certain.
I choose you for better, for worse,
for richer or for poorer,
in sickness and in health,
to love and to cherish,
’til death do us part.
.
I do.
.
Suzanne/ Lauren
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living
. .

“Demons and Daemons” was written on Facebook 
Facebook page LS Harteveld

Books LS Harteveld/ Lauren

Lauren’s books are available at LULU
New books will also be added to Lulu, as sites are being curated.


ABOUT ME

I am Suzanne, the real name of Lauren Harteveld,
Lauren/ LS Harteveld was my second identity under which I wrote about sex, relationships, pop culture, from 2006 to 2020.
Lauren is now in 1995, so she will write offline for us.
Her first year 1994-1995 is available online:

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coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2020
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- (Dutch)
5. ALL THE THINGS – unpublished work 2010 – 2020

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.
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Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/