About Me Saying No To Sex… | The Book Club day 16

I have to say, I expected it to feel different, when I decided not to have sex anymore for the upcoming year, or until we can relax about Covid.
Whichever one comes first.
Some sort of relief.
Peace of mind.
Or maybe an offer to come talk at Christian schools to talk them into saving themselves for marriage.
Could go anywhere really, now that I ve come to terms with what social distancing rules really mean.
No sex for singles, that’s what they mean.
But no.
As a whole the last 24 hours have been unsatisfactory. So with that, not being satisfying, I guess they are symbolic for what the upcoming year will bring.
.
But I did discover something really cool!
I did mention it in yesterday’s post A Year Without Sex, but I did not specify it and I think I should;
My decision to no longer have sex didn’t have anything to do with me interpreting the rules as sex for singles being forbidden.
It was a decision because I could no longer have the type of sex that I, preferred.
.
Not necessarily in a bondage, S&M kind of way, or any of that.
Not even “group sex” or “polyamorous” or anything out of the ordinary as in what I do, and to whom;
No, what I meant was that there is a dynamic around sexuality that I not only prefer, but I would have a hard time going without.
And this is the moment of detachment.
.
After the love making the relationship, or affair, should always return to a default state where we are not lovers.
We can be friends, we can be acquaintances, we can be colleagues, we can be friends from college;
But we cannot be lovers.
We start from scratch every time.
It is as if our sex life never existed, in the sense that no claims can be made based upon it. Sex means you shared a super special moment, but it does not mean there can be any entitlement or skipping corners in order for it to happen again.
The courting starts all over.
From both sides. 

.
Now this is not a sexual preference that most people have, and I don’t know anybody who values it, let alone needs it, the way I do.
But, yes, I do.
Even a long-term relationship, or living together, would mean we commit to a long-term friendship; Sex would happen at a moment when we would feel aroused, but only then.
And we would be free, sexually, to explore other relationships and have other encounters. And I think that would be awesome because when you’d come home, you’d still be loved and taken care of.
I look forward to taking care of a man, a friend, that way, and yet;
No sexual claims can be made.
I am my own woman, and even if we’ve had sex a million times if there would be such a thing, that doesn’t mean that we owe it to one another or that I am more likely to have sex with you the million and one-th time than with someone else. 
.
So if sex is always a one time decision, a one time thing for me, after which the cycle of longing, hoping, courting, flirting begins all over again;
How does that measure up to the next two weeks being a time when if any of you get Covid complaints, or if he has visited venues that had Covid outbreaks, or I have other close friends or family testing positive?
It doesn’t measure up, it’s that simple. 
If you are like me, it means you
A. need the sexual encounter to be exciting
but
B. the relationship to immediately return to neutral, friendly and SAFE.
Covid does the exact opposite.
.
Covid supplies a sexual or relationship dynamic that is a complete mindfuck and a mirror image of what I want!
In Covid times, before kissing or touching, or more, all the tension is basically killed because you have to convince one another he or she will not get sick.
And afterwards, and I m paraphrasing from yesterday, you’re tied by a red string of fate for two weeks where if any of you get complaints or have family members who go in for testing, you’ll feel the need to give each other a headsup, that maybe things were not so safe after all.
Or that you’re calling from health services with a cotton stick up your nose and it does not look good.
.
I don’t know what I disliked most this Summer:
The strange totally not sexy dynamic surrounding kissing and making out.
The phobic nights when I knew I had put myself at risk of contracting something AND was putting my family and friends at risk for the upcoming days.

If I would get sick, I had actual contagion of my loved ones to worry about but also that anybody who had spent more than 15 minutes with me would be quarantined.
Phobic nights, I can’t blame myself.
.
Or, maybe I disliked most the eerie, uncomfortable connection in the weeks after our encounter.

They never ended in real sex, because I could feel myself not being in the moment and calculating the upcoming weeks before I had to make a decision if I wanted to have sex.
It was like I was setting my stopwatch.
I thought I was making myself get over my lover and creating a new love life from scratch, but all I was doing was putting myself and unlucky men in uncomfortable and stressful cycles of not-quite-being-lovers.
.

All I can say is: I tried.
I think not having sex because of Covid is a superbad idea, but I really need dynamics that are not in the cards for anybody right now.
I need the dynamic of our encounter to be exciting.
Not the lukewarm two weeks after it, where we may or may not get Covid and have our mutual social circles quarantined.

To me that was all new information.
When I wrote yesterday, I knew it was something specific to my sexual preferences that made it hard or as it appeared now impossible to have a love life.
If you date to get a normal relationship, Covid will not make a big difference. But I never dated for that.
I dated to sometimes have sex, sometimes not, but to always return to a nice solid, neutral baseline, where none of us knew if we’d ever have sex again.
Perhaps not even know if we’d even see each other again…

The relationship option is however my Escape.
In theory, I could fall in love and get a “boyfriend”.
Or let’s stick with really good friend with whom I may also have sex if we feel like courting and flirting.
And then the “cooling down period”, the weeks that are now that grey CovidyesCovidno vacuum of awkwardness, no longer exist.
The sensual cycle no longer has weeks or months of silence, where you’re in a courting stand off.
Where he proves he’s dominant, and that he will contact you when he’s ready.
And you prove you have faith he does as he pleases, and will never talk him out of being his own man.
.
I just realized that me “settling down” and going without that dynamic, is an extremely hypothetical situation.
That as much as I hate, or hated, the loneliness especially during the lock down months;
I loved being lovers and having an affair, more.
I may have decided against sex for the upcoming year.
But ultimately I am what I always was:
A lover, a mistress.
.
I will never be the safe choice.
.
.

Suzanne/ Lauren living.

.

new online series!!

The only benefit so far of not having a sex life is that I can now write freely for my Lauren 1995 project, which was originally going to be an offline endeavor.
https://laurenharteveld.com/1995-1996-book-2-of-my-performance-project/
.

the Book Club: Demons and Daemons

You just read part 1, my column.

Today’s chapter below, from Demons and Daemons, was about me going over good and evil and Jon Bon Jovi.

This is what I wrote:
.

Chapter 6, Untitled Notes from Lauren #5


day 6, Saturday July 18
.

.
I had an amazing day, but it was a bit much to take in.
So I m not exactly radiating my Saturday night away, but I can feel an incredibly important shift in my energy, and in me accepting myself just like Lucifer in the series on Netflix.
.
Today was so much about realizing;
“Okay, I m going to be smarter with my writing to make money;
I m going to be smarter with my writing to please an employer or at least not stand out like a sore thumb;
I m going to be smarter with my writing to not scare every man away because he ll know he get into my blog”
.
Okay, okay, okay.
I get it.
But really?
.
And then where Lauren Harteveld, real name Suzanne, where, my Love, is it going to end?
With you mousing your way through Plain Jane Life in a way God nor the Devil ever wanted for you?
That’s the plan, uhm?
.
Today, I, under all my names, and I like to think with the support of every celestial being appointed with the task of guarding my fate;
We all agreed that that was indeed, NOT the plan.
.
~Lauren
.
One of the things I want to start doing to keep myself breathing, is reread notes I made and that I don’t want to forget.
.
Today’s note is about the three core practices that are my creativity in its most rudimentary form.
The first one is play; silliness, fun.
The second is investigating. Like when I study Bon Jovi materials, or marketing. Or watch Lucifer or another series, especially the ones I have on dvd.
The third practice is alignment or mysticism.
What is aligned for me today?
.
An accompanying note is about the role of advisors in my life.
Some official, my coaches or teachers.
Some are very unofficial, like Jon Bon Jovi and the men I am in love with.
Although they do not coach me, nor teach me, I learn from them.
Sometimes I learn to back myself when they make choices I would not.
Sometimes I learn new things by following their lead or interest.
But with all advisors there is such an incredible sense of love, and gratitude.
.
Speaking of which, yesterday night I started a gratitude journal. Because I felt my heart and life were simply overflowing with it;
I wanted to capture it.
And today too, I ve written down all the wonderful things that happened today.
.
You know, maybe I am radiating my Saturday night away, after all.
.
~Lauren

 

Chapter 8 of Demons and Daemons,
will be shared soon,
in a new episode of The Book Club

Subscribe to the blog or follow social media:
Facebook page LS Harteveld
Twitter: https://twitter.com/LSHarteveld

About The Book Club

In The Book Club you can find:
– a post
– and one Chapter of my novella Demons and Daemons.

These Book Club posts will form a new book, “A Map Into Unknown”
Covering a journey of three weeks into darkness (Demons and Daemons)
and three weeks, finding my way back to the light.

.

Books LS Harteveld/ Lauren

Lauren’s books are available at LULU
New books will also be added to Lulu, as sites are being curated.


ABOUT ME

I am Suzanne, the real name of Lauren Harteveld,
Lauren/ LS Harteveld was my second identity under which I wrote about sex, relationships, pop culture, from 2006 to 2020.
Lauren is now in 1995, so she will write offline for us.
Her first year 1994-1995:
Originally Lauren was going to write offline in 1995, but since I don’t have a sex life anymore, there is no reason for such discretion. 

.
coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2020
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4.
Blote Kont- (Dutch)
5. ALL THE THINGS – unpublished work 2010 – 2020

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.
.
Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/

A Year Without Sex | The Book Club day 15

Madonna in the early 80s (prob. not famous yet). And since I no longer have a love life, I have all the time in the world to focus on becoming world famous too.
This feels like the most ridiculous blog post I have ever written.
But then again:
Maybe this is a master trick to get what I want.
Because everything I make myself do, everything I plan, every good resolution I make, sooner rather than later becomes the thing that does NOT get done.
I ve often joked:
“The best way to make sure I will never do something, is to make a resolution to do it daily.”
So a year without sex will probably work miracles.
.
This summer has been really hard for me.
I ve shared as little as I could, especially under my real name where I try to keep up appearances and share my light not my darkness.
But as soon as the Covid crisis hit, I knew I had a big problem on my hands with regard to my sex life.
.
My preferences are not compatible with having this extremely contagious virus being tracked and traced throughout the Dutch population.

If I so much as kiss someone, we are tied invisibly, by a red string of fate, for at least two weeks.
For two weeks, both of us but especially me, are going to hold our breaths if this physical contact is going to cost us a trip to health services to get tested, and informing everybody else about something that was private and between two people.
Or at least: informing them about the consequences it had.
.
Right from the start of the Covid crisis, I knew the only real risk I was going to contract that virus was through sex.
I m talking about contracting it from someone I d been intimate with.
This is an entire different level of stress from if friends and family would have tested test positive, in which case I will also be contacted by health services but I would not believe I would have actually contracted anything.
More that I would be gaslit into reporting my health status all the time and staying indoors, but not that I would have been (nor put anyone else) actually at risk. 

.
But back to the start of the Covid crisis when I had not thought it through in such detail;
Even though I knew sex would be basically the only time I was at risk, I also knew something else:

That I was going to have sex anyway.
And in exactly the same secretive, sexy way I wanted it.
I was not going to clean up my sex life, and become boyfriend and girlfriend. Although that TOO became appealing so that I didn’t have to have these lonely times ever again. 
.
But whether I would get a “real” relationship, or be someone’s lover or mistress;
.
In both cases there would have to be an understanding that temporary Covid related practicalities aside, the baseline would be that we were not going to freak out over having other partners. 
.
That it would always be an open relationship or affair where we supported each other in our goals and dreams, and if those included sexual adventures then we’d support those too.
AND we’d support each other through our phobic nights, as that turned out to be the biggest “payoff” of my adventurous summer.
I never thought back with warm afterglow feelings.
The feeling of stone cold death always there, as soon as we parted.
.
Yet just two months ago, I was still SO determined, not to let this abstinence thing happen.
And to not let having my entire 14-day social circle and all the establishments I visited, being round up if I tested positive, interfere with my social life, my sex life, and in moderate form not even interfere with my entertainment such as film and theater.

It’s just not an option! 
What is the alternative? 18 Months of only going for walks with people I already know, and with 1,5 meters between us?
.
I was really serious about not letting that happen. And although my sex life was dryer than the Sahara because I had lost my lover late last year;
I made that top priority, this summer.
I was not going to let Covid get to me.
But now?
Seven weeks, phobic nights, and my GP and a psychotherapist not returning my phone calls later?

Man, fuck all that you know.
.

A life without sex is definitely not something I fancy, but I ve got people to see, places to visit, and to top it all off a temp agency where I have not even officially registered yet, has contacted me if I wanted to work and my other employer (where I had to temporarily resign because my sex life was taking its toll) – that employer also contacted me today if I felt fit to work.

So when two health care providers do not return calls, two employers contact me at a time when no one can find work?

I don’t know how you interpret that, but to me, that’s a sign it’s a lot more healthy for me to just go out into the world and mingle on the work floor than it is to have sex.
And technically I didn’t even actually have sex this summer. I was just testing the waters.
But
it were the worst months of my life, and I m totally eating my words on it not being an option to not have sex until Covid dies out.
Not having ANY physical contact for as long as nessecary, better become an option very frickin soon because I m never going to stay home, drop out of work, limit myself or cancel appointments, one day in my life ever ever again. 
.
No sex it is.
.
.

Suzanne/ Lauren living.

new online series!!

The only benefit so far of not having a sex life is that I can now write freely for my Lauren 1995 project, which was originally going to be an offline endeavor.
https://laurenharteveld.com/1995-1996-book-2-of-my-performance-project/
.

the Book Club: Demons and Daemons

You just read part 1, my column.

Today’s chapter below, from Demons and Daemons, was at a time when I had only just decided I would keep all my content online.

This is what I wrote:
.

Chapter 6, Untitled Notes from Lauren #5


day 5, Friday July 17
.

Today was okay-ish!
Which definitely means it was a hundred percent better than yesterday.
And my books have arrived, and after the Lulu software update, my books are still good to go!
The copies are as they always were:
.
With regard to my plans to basically wipe out my entire existence from the internets, in favor of publishing more books and feeling stronger when I get a job;
I ve decided to not delete my English content, in order to feel “safe” in the real world.
Dutch content though?
No verdict yet.
Not just because I m changing my life to creating space for a normal job, and Dutch content is indeed more readily digestible, it speaks to people.
No… that isn’t it.
You know, I d be pretty stupid if I would delete content that speaks to people.
No the reason I m considering deleting the Dutch content is because it’s not 100% me…. there is a layer of downplaying and false self-deprecating going on there that seems almost inborn to the language itself.
.
If I go out into the world I want to fully back myself.
Modesty, normality, hell even accessibility and relatability?
Not my forte.
Not my brand.
Not me.
.
I m seriously still considering deleting the Dutch content but with regard to the English content I m more prone towards a serious clean-up, archiving the blog posts if you will;
Keeping them online in a low maintenance text-only version, and making clear references to programs I m no longer selling, a YouTube channel I no longer have and so on –
is just part of its authenticity.
It’s part of the story.
.
I m thinking about it…
But I feel a lot lighter and happier than I have all week.
.
One of the things I want to start doing to keep myself breathing, is reread notes I made and that I don’t want to forget.
.
Today’s one is:
A Daimon or a Daemon is a spirit being that creates your art with you and through you.
It has been described in literature dating from the ancient Greeks.
And I keep wondering what mine looks like.
I THINK he looks like Lucifer from the series.
But I KNOW how he works!
.
Because my Daemon seduces me very, very skillfully.
He says: “Oh just one little blog post. Humor me.”
And he taps the bed next to him.
.
And then five hours later we have a 5000 word story, my hair is all messed up, I ve missed all my appointments, and when I look at him as in:
“But you said we were just…”
He shrugs, barely caring at all!
“Oh well….” he says, as he lights up his cigarette.
.
And we both know I ll say yes the next time he asks.
.
That’s my Daemon.
.
~Lauren.

 

Chapter 7 of Demons and Daemons,
will be shared soon,
in a new episode of The Book Club

Subscribe to the blog or follow social media:
Facebook page LS Harteveld
Twitter: https://twitter.com/LSHarteveld

About The Book Club

In The Book Club you can find:
– a post
– and one Chapter of my novella Demons and Daemons.

These Book Club posts will form a new book, “A Map Into Unknown”
Covering a journey of three weeks into darkness (Demons and Daemons)
and three weeks, finding my way back to the light.

.

Books LS Harteveld/ Lauren

Lauren’s books are available at LULU
New books will also be added to Lulu, as sites are being curated.


ABOUT ME

I am Suzanne, the real name of Lauren Harteveld,
Lauren/ LS Harteveld was my second identity under which I wrote about sex, relationships, pop culture, from 2006 to 2020.
Lauren is now in 1995, so she will write offline for us.
Her first year 1994-1995:
Originally Lauren was going to write offline in 1995, but since I don’t have a sex life anymore, there is no reason for such discretion. 

.
coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2020
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4.
Blote Kont- (Dutch)
5. ALL THE THINGS – unpublished work 2010 – 2020

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.
.
Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/

And So It Begins | The Book Club day 14

Oh my oh my!
We have so much to talk about.
I m going to keep it very brief today, but will tell more in the remaining episodes of The Book Club;
An initiative which was supposed to run for three weeks, exactly like the book it covers, my Facebook novella Demons and Daemons.
In these three weeks, I wrote 15 days and therefor this journey of The Book Club was supposed to be 15 posts, written in three weeks as well.

But due to my long break that will no longer happen.
Fifteen posts, yes.
Three weeks, no.
I ve missed too many days, and I also don’t want to rush things anymore.

During my initially involuntary and then totally embraced absence from writing (more about that later) I learned to appreciate not writing.
I did so many things, I would never have done if I had written.

Cleaned my kitchen balcony, which had always been a no go area for the cats.
It was so dirty from pigeon poo I was afraid they’d come back with the black plague and exotic parasites if I left them on there.
Now it’s totally clean.

It’s like the balcony belongs to other people!
I do have another balcony, so they were used to being outdoors, just not on the small interesting balcony that had bathing pigeons on the other side of the fence. 
Much better balcony, obviously.

So I cleaned that, for the first time since April 2019.

And I reorganized cupboards, drawers, book shelves and my mind started to expand on the 1995 project.
So before I elaborate on that, first WHY was I offline?

Well, there was a 9 day heatwave.
And although I muscled through at first, I got so sick with the heat, having a constant headache, that I stopped and lowered my expectations of productivity from “creating content and daily messaging on all my accounts”, to “staying alive”.
This was very helpful.

And after the heatwave I took a few extra days, to savor the peace and quiet.
And to wait until I really knew what I wanted. Not just with regard to blogging, but everything. 

I ve always boasted that if could also NOT write? I would stop writing.
If I no longer had the uncontrollable urge to write, oh man, I would be out of here.

So if you’ve claimed that for probably close to a decade, and you’re then forced by the heatwave to step down from your writing stool, and end up loving it?
You ve got to wait until you’ve got words coming out of your ears, before you can pick up doing that time consuming, “life devouring”, hobby or purpose called writing.
Because writing is to me what drinking is to others;
I can’t do it like a gentleman.

So today I got up an watched a movie that will be the first to review for my Dutch blog. Haven’t written there in half a year.
If you’re Dutch, subscribe to that movie blog here.

Next to picking up writing in Dutch, I m going to hold the course with regard to my work here.
On my time off I ve considered revoking every decision and project I started here the last couple of months, but No!
They’re all exactly as they should be.

Maybe that explained why I woke up this morning with an insanely wide grin on my face, excited to begin again!
And so many stories to tell.

Over the next week or so, things will get more clear, but the management summary is:
I will continue blogging as Suzanne (my real name)/ Lauren (the penname I had from 2006-2020)
So things are signed:
Suzanne/Lauren
 
My pseudonym/ me, Lauren Harteveld/ LS Harteveld has left for 1995, and does not live in this age anymore.
She’ll write offline diaries, as a 23 year old, and publish them directly into books.
I do not expect to return in 2020 or beyond as Lauren, sec.
She has made her choice.
And being a middle-aged woman in a Covid struck era, isn’t it.
Who could blame her.
So I ve taken the liberty of taking 25 years off my age, and am creating an experience, a performance, of living in the past.
Writing is done as part of it, but is it not the main goal of this project.
The main goal is the experience itself.
The first book by Lauren in 1994-1995 is available online,
and the others will be written offline.
.
So what I will continue to do here, is communicate as Suzanne/Lauren;
The person who does not mind living in this era at all! 
And who is okay with playing the part of the publisher, the curator, and the narrator.
After this Book Club series, I will be more explicit about that.
But there is just so much to share, about what happens when you try to transfer your life to 25 years back! 

It’s so much fun! 
So I will be online a lot, and writing a lot, and this 10 day holiday has got me all excited about coming back to work.
.
Five weeks ago I started writing little posts on Facebook, which would ultimately become Demons and Daemons, a Facebook novella.
Two weeks ago I started a “second layering” to that book;
In these posts, the ones you’re reading right now, I am sharing all chapters of Demons and Daemons individually, but with a new introduction.
.
These two projects together, the three weeks of Demons and Daemons and The Book Club, will become a book.
A Map Into Unknown.
.
I’ve called Demons and Daemons: A journey into darkness.
I ve called The Book Club; The three week journey into the light.
And together they form The Map Into Unknown.
.
But although Demons and Daemons had a satisfying ending, as will The Book Club, and although everything about this weaved together project of two books, in two different timelines, will fit together just perfectly;
Time away from the computer has taught me one thing above all.
.
That the journey has only just begun.
.
.

Suzanne/ Lauren living.

You just read part 1, my column.
Today’s chapter from
Demons and Daemons, was at a time when I both thought I would pursue a normal career (which I m no longer doing – all ass sitting hours are mine and mine alone) and I was also convinced I had to empty my blogs and remove all content in order to fit in and make this happen.

At what must have been one of the darkest days of my life,
this is what I wrote:
.

Chapter 5, Untitled Notes from Lauren #4


day 4, Thursday July 16, 9 P.M.

.I think today was payday for having an extraordinary good day yesterday..

A part of me is still optimistic:
Cleaning out my websites and publishing all my work – both in one rough version with all the things as well as creating separate books with complete stories – is a good thing.

A fresh start.
After September 1st I will be a proper author:
My real work will be offline – and published straight to paper, not posted to a blog.
.
Everybody who meets me in my new fresh career as grey mouse nobody, will know I am a writer.
Perhaps even know my pen name – but it’s OKAY!
20 books out, that’s respectable capital R.
.
Yeah, yeah: Such a good choice to clear out the blogs and have that sensitive content no longer available to “the public” meaning people I meet in real life I have no control over.
.
So smart.
.
Oh, and the other part of me doesn’t know the difference between preparing for a job in the normal world and removing sensitive content on one hand;
And getting your affairs in order because you’re dying and you have to leave all that you value behind.
.
Doesn’t know the difference between not blogging as LS Harteveld, and death.
.
.
One of the things I want to start doing to keep myself breathing, is reread notes I made and that I don’t want to forget.
.
Today’s one is:
That the reason I feel so angry towards a fictional employer, imaginary colleagues and anger towards myself because I have not been able, nor prioritized, making money from my writing –
is because I’m angry at “them” for taking my soul.
.
But not nearly as angry as I am with myself for willingly killing myself off before going in.
.
But judging from how poorly I m currently doing at the idea of (involuntarily) cleaning out my blog –
I didn’t need to write that down, nor have I forgotten.
.
I know.
.
And in the words of Kylo Ren:
“I know what I have to do. I just don’t know if I have the strength to do it.”
.
He made the wrong choice by the way, after that –
Let me commit to making tomorrow a better day.
.
And making the right choice.
.
~Lauren

 

Chapter 6 of Demons and Daemons,
will be shared soon,
in a new episode of The Book Club

Subscribe to the blog or follow social media:
Facebook page LS Harteveld
Twitter: https://twitter.com/LSHarteveld

About The Book Club

In The Book Club you can find:
– a post
– and one Chapter of my novella Demons and Daemons.

These Book Club posts will form a new book, “A Map Into Unknown”
Covering a journey of three weeks into darkness (Demons and Daemons)
and three weeks, finding my way back to the light.

.

Books LS Harteveld/ Lauren

Lauren’s books are available at LULU
New books will also be added to Lulu, as sites are being curated.


ABOUT ME

I am Suzanne, the real name of Lauren Harteveld,
Lauren/ LS Harteveld was my second identity under which I wrote about sex, relationships, pop culture, from 2006 to 2020.
Lauren is now in 1995, so she will write offline for us.
Her first year 1994-1995 is available online:

.
coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2020
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4.
Blote Kont- (Dutch)
5. ALL THE THINGS – unpublished work 2010 – 2020

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.
.
Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/

The Divine Plan Where Writing Always Comes First | The Book Club day 5

It’s funny because when deciding what picture to use for this post, I chose Anais Nin before I knew that the photo I used to illustrate the accompanying chapter of Demons and Daemons, as given here below, was a stack of Anais Nin books.

If you’re reading this in a paper version book, there will be no illustrations.
But Anais Nin was a diarist and storyteller with the majority of her writings, the parts she later became famous for, written in the early to mid 20th century, in Paris and New York.
This is broad strokes;
There is so much more to tell about her.

But if I tell you Nin’s picture illustrates this post, – and coincidentally it was also used by the creator of the Life Is A Game and How to Play It video, I shared yesterday. She indicated Nin’s picture was often shown, when looking for the early 20th century Francis Scovel Shinn – then picture before you a black and white photograph of a woman who I can best describe as; French looking.
Anais Nin was petite, elegant, she wore almost exclusively black or dark clothing. Since most photos from that time were black and white, I can’t tell for sure.
Her hair was always beautifully done usually pulled back.
I remember from one of her diaries her daily self-care routine was an hour or more.

A photo of Anais Nin was the photo which was used by the maker of the video as a screenshot for the audio.
And it was/ is also the photo I’m using with this post about The Divine Plan Where Writing Always Comes First.
And if you are reading this online, and scroll below, you will see a photo of Anais Nin’s books, illustrating the Chapter from Daemons and Demons.

To me it feels like coming full circle, now that Writing has finally gotten its rightful place in my life, to come back to the writer that was one of my most important influences.
Anais Nin.
There were three quotes from her which really spoke to me, when I started both my journey to find my sexuality, and love, and my journey or craft as a writer.
Both journeys started in 2006.

The quotes from Anais Nin that inspired me during that time, and still do are;

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

“The role of a writer is not to say what we can all say,
but what we are unable to say.”

“We don’t see things as they are,
we see them as we are.”

It’s evening now.
When I started writing this post it was morning, and it’s almost irony because I did not put writing FIRST this morning.
I fiddled with my journals and my planning.
Which was very satisfying, but coming home in the evening and having to pick up a blog about Anais Nin, immediately shows how important the rule was, I created for myself.

Always put writing first.
Even before fiddling with your journals.

I came home to find an unfinished blog post yet my heart was filled with a new insight. Or not so much new, as that I realized it was something I wanted to understand and internalize at a deeper level.
About intuition and male energy.
I have been energetically tied to my lover, all those years we were together and at the same time not together, because I was a secret mistress.
And even that was something I was never certain of.
He could end it by simply no longer contacting me.

Months could go by without seeing each other.
But in those months, I would often have anxiety attacks out of nowhere. And in my mind they must have been linked to him.
I tried to pin them to a fear of being discovered, fear for my physical safety, or as a residue of my aids/hiv phobia;
Ultimately they were all social phobias.

I had those attacks frequently,  in the years we were together. And maybe because they were so frequent I have never been able to tie them to something he was feeling.
But I did see a pattern, with proof, in two other areas.

The first was that I often knew where he was, at a certain time. And later got it confirmed.

But also, and this is the real trap and one I m still susceptible to, I often got sucked into worrying over “real things”.
Money, business, mental health.

When in retrospect it always turned out it was a time when he was turning away from me.
Sometimes I got a story at a much later date, sometimes I only got a hunch;
But those longer periods of time, when I was doing really bad?
Always tied to a proven period of time when he was no longer interested in me.

It were also the times when I would fall in love with someone else, adding even more confusion to the mix.
But I m convinced that would never have happened, if the line had stayed open.

One way of seeing it, is that there is an energetic connection, that is maintained by both of us.
That it’s not so much a drawback of not receiving energy from him, nor a response to no longer being able to give him my love;
It’s the connection falling away, that causes the confusion.

Ever since we officially broken up, I have never felt that confusion anymore. It is as if by ending our affair the line can stay open, and is more steady than before.
But nevertheless, I do not want that kind of dependency.
I remember those bad times vividly, especially the ones in 2018 and 2019 when I had a higher awareness around it.
But I’m a hundred percent sure the episodes have always been there.

And I can’t take another one of those.

It reminds me a bit of a scene from Happy Gilmore where Adam Sandler wants to be selected for the ice hockey team, and when he isn’t chosen he goes to stand in front of those machines that throw out baseballs (I think it was).
He gets hit by them.

[ Text continues below video ]


When a friend asks him what he’s doing, Happy answers:
“Toughening up for next season!”
That’s how I am toughening up for another wave of rejection, but it’s a two part training. With a concrete part, and an intangible or energetic part.

The fairly easy part, in terms of execution, is when I consciously picture an active rejection. Like that he tells me that we can’t see each other as friends anymore, for instance.
Or simply no longer contacts me, and then I hear from others that he divorced his wife and is with someone else.
I deliberately come up with some sort of scenario that hurts.

Then I try to neutralize the sharp pain of jealousy and misery, by thoughts like “It’s okay” “Just be happy for him”  and “Set him free, and you too, will be free”.
This training of toughening up, most commonly has a positive result.
The pain fades away, and I feel: “Yes. If he moves out of my life, this is the way things should be done. It should be in perfect peace and harmony.”

The real problem was the intangible rejection that I could only feel.
Because I didn’t know what was going on, I turned my life upside down, found something to fuss over and get all worked up about, and totally lose control over my life.
It were the darkest of times, and I spent weeks to months in mental turmoil.
THOSE were the times I wanted to avoid, those were the punches I couldn’t take another round of.

And those were the ones I desired to have a deeper, more ingrained knowledge about.

How could I toughen up for those?

I’ll tell you in a second.
I suddenly see, how this morning’s story – which I started telling about Anais Nin and had not even gotten around properly to the Writing Always Comes First part – and tonight’s story how I’m “toughening up for next season” tie together!
Because protection against falling apart is essential, if Writing comes first.

The times when these meltdowns happened, were not so much periods of creative drought, but they had a lot of material that I didn’t post.
So I wrote the entire day, sometimes 7 to 8 hours straight, about all the things that went through my head with regard to The Malfunctioning Topic Of The Year –
and then just couldn’t post it.

I think writing things you don’t post must be part of any blogger’s life, but I remember those periods of mental distress, to be the ones when it happened frequently.

If I m serious about Writing being first, and the quality of the work mattering, it means I have to get control over my feelings and nail this.
Or 2020 will very soon slide down into the abyss, just like the previous two years did.

So this is the emotional rescue plan I worked out for myself;
I m going to find the emotional connections to the other men I am in love with.
See who’s on the other end of the line.
I know of one who has picked up, the other two I do not know.
Maybe there is a way of sending love, without the intimacy of a reciprocal receiver?

Cultivating my connections in the energetic realm, making sure I get more nourishment and feel a bigger sense of belonging than just from my former lover;
That’s how I m toughening up for next season.

And if that doesn’t work, I can always turn to having baseballs fired at me.

Suzanne/ Lauren living.

You just read part 1, my column.
Today’s chapter from
Demons and Daemons, was the third time I made a note while extracting my manuscripts from all the sites, trying to create books. 
This is what I wrote:

 

Chapter 4, Untitled Notes from Lauren #3

day 3, Wednesday July 15
.

After ten days of wrestling my demons, I m out on the other side!
.
I ve done a ton – a ton!! – of work and curating and publishing my work is the highlight of this year.
And the result is going to incredibly beautiful.
.
I m still planning One Big Book with ALL unpublished work -but the title is no longer All The Things.
I m changing it to Rough and Ready.

And I hope many people will understand that in a sexual way.
A writer can dream!
.
So everything is absolutely brilliant here.
It’s going to take my entire summer – but I m convinced that I ll get the big book ready asap, as well as 8 smaller books that contain rounded stories.
When I wrote online, I often wrote on 3 different series at the same time.
That’s why I can easily see how many smaller books I have.
.
PS:
My websites are still up, so if you want to take a quick browse, always welcome!
Here’s the main one: https://laurenharteveld.com/
And here the archive (English & Dutch): http://www.lsharteveld.nl/
.
The Dutch site no longer has everything on there, but a lot is still online: https://zegmaarlauren.com/
.
I don’t know when I m going remove or hide content – but ultimately all sites will be emptied out,
a very practical reason is that I cannot keep the pages current and updated.
Links are outdated as it is already.
.
.
One of the things I want to start doing to keep myself breathing, is reread notes I made and that I don’t want to forget.
.
Today’s one is:
I needed to build a wall between public me, or publisher me, sales person me, marketing me –
and the creator LS Harteveld.
.
My work is so deeply personal, there is a reason I have not been selling my work.
I was simply not capable of selling it, without breaking down.
But I m also incredibly happy I do not have a publisher, because I do not like the idea of someone else taking ownership of it.
.
But a firewall if you will, needs to be build.
And is being build as we speak.
I ve made the real, everyday me Suzanne the caretaker of my work.
She’s the steward.
.
And it is so freeing.
.
I feel like a curse has been lifted.
I m behind a wall now, but I have never felt more free
.
~Lauren

 

Chapter 5 of Demons and Daemons,
will be shared soon,
in a new episode of The Book Club

Subscribe to the blog or follow social media:
Facebook page LS Harteveld
Twitter: https://twitter.com/LSHarteveld

About The Book Club

In The Book Club you can find:
– a post
– and one Chapter of my novella Demons and Daemons.

These Book Club posts will form a new book, “A Map Into Unknown”
Covering a journey of three weeks into darkness (Demons and Daemons)
and three weeks, finding my way back to the light.

.

Books LS Harteveld/ Lauren

Lauren’s books are available at LULU
New books will also be added to Lulu, as sites are being curated.


ABOUT ME

I am Suzanne, the real name of Lauren Harteveld,
Lauren/ LS Harteveld was my second identity under which I wrote about sex, relationships, pop culture, from 2006 to 2020.
Lauren is now in 1995, so she will write offline for us.
Her first year 1994-1995 is available online:

.
coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2020
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4.
Blote Kont- (Dutch)
5. ALL THE THINGS – unpublished work 2010 – 2020

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.
.
Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/

The Game of Life And How To Play It | The Book Club day 3

Click the picture to buy this reprint of the original

“The Game of Life and How to Play It” by Florence Scovel Shinn, had a slow start.
She published her own books, and her work wasn’t published by a publishing firm until after her death.
When in 2011 the bestseller “The Game of Life and How to Play It” was republished with the original cover from the second edition of 1945, this was the second edition of the book as it was published by that publisher.
Because from 1925, the date of the first release, until her death in 1940, Florence Scovel Shinn published her own work.
Florence Scovel Shinn would influence many, if not all, of the New Thought teachers that came after her.

Here’s what the Amazon page on this 2011 reprint of the second edition says:

“One secret of Shinn’s success was that she was always herself . . . colloquial, informal, friendly, and humorous.
She herself was very spiritual . . . and taught by familiar, practical, and everyday examples.”

 Emmet Fox

“By studying and practicing the principles laid down in this book, one may find prosperity, solve problems, have better health, achieve personal relations-in a word, win the game of life.”
Norman Vincent Peale

“”The Game of Life and How to Play It”, by Florence Scovel Shinn, helped me crystallize my own thinking and moved me forward on the path to where I am today.”
Louise Hay

A few other books were published, but a recent addition was made as well.
In 2013 Louise Hay, who was a metaphysical teacher and ran a big publishing company of personal development books called Hay House, was offered a manuscript by a rare book dealer.
The Magic Path of Intuition.
Louise Hay purchased it, and with that the final book of Florence Scovel Shinn which she had written shortly before her death, was published as well.

Florence Scovel Shinn came to my attention on YouTube.
Probably because I had been listening to a 4 hour recording of Catherine Ponder from 1972 The Dynamic Laws of Prosperity (Full Seminar).
I think YouTube thought I’d like Florence Scovel Shinn.
And I did!
Not just the text itself, but in particular the audio itself.
I just ordered my copy of the book – but what drew me to this teaching was not just the power of the text;
But also that it is read by a woman who has a calming and neutral voice:
audio (2h 8 minutes):
The Game of Life & How to Play It by Florence Scovel Shinn (1925)
by YouTube account Nevillution

After the 4 hour seminar from Catherine Ponder, the audio from the Florence Scovel Shinn book , was the second “vintage” audio, I was listening to.

The reason I had been listening to Catherine Ponder, was because after my birthday, I selected books that I wanted to read or reread this year.
Her Dynamic Laws of Prosperity, was one of them.
And I was especially keen on it because it was a pre-1995 book.
I’m still on my project 1994-1995.
Which means that I try to live as much as I can, according to those times.
I write in my diary every night, offline. It’s one of the ways I stay connected to the project. As is focusing on authors or artists who are from the 20th century.

The Catherine Ponder book, brought me to finding the Catherine Ponder video on YouTube, and then YouTube suggested the Florence Scovel Shinn video for her book The Game of Life and How to Play it.
And after listening to that audio for a few days, I decided to now start looking for the book.
One thing had led to another.

An 80s inspired copy I found on Dutch Amazon. Click picture for the link.

By choosing music, movies, and books from before 1995, I am adding to the experience of still being in that year.
To buy this book, I didn’t go for the beautiful new editions, but one that had an 80s vibe to it, with a Rubrik’s Cube on the cover.
I could just picture this to be the exact book I would have if I had in 1995!

The way I m framing those audio recordings (the ones 2020-me finds on YouTube) is I m seeing them as being cassette tapes which my friend and mentor Sara lent to me.
The YouTube recording of The Game of Life and How to Play It, would be one of those 1995 borrowed cassettes.

One of the things I have been experimenting with, and that is related to those teachings, is giving up control.
Going into non-resistance.
Just like other things, it’s a concept I can do very well in the area of love – to give complete freedom to others to be as they are.

But in other areas of my life, I still often feel I need to “do” something.
To build, to create, to actively go searching for answers, and things that work, and so on and so forth;

That feeling is hard to shake.

But even then, I like to take solace in knowing that for me it is impossible make the wrong decision.
And I m sure I have more examples, but the strongest are the times when I tried to “get rid of” my yoga studio.
Regardless of how I did it, informally by just offering it to a friend, or formally by ending my lease and making a public announcement that it was available for a new teacher;
It never came through.
Just like a boomerang.
Just like the famous teaching that if you lose something, it will be returned to you if was yours. And if it doesn’t return, it was never really yours.

The truth was:
I loved my yoga studio.
But I was prepared to give it up, because I no longer needed it for my business.

I m so happy it didn’t come through.
You should never give up on the things that you love.
But what I learned from this story is that when you do give them up, because you think it’s what you have to do, 
they’ll come back.

You should never give up on the things that you love, but when you do they have a way of coming back.

Love, always comes back.
.

Suzanne/ Lauren living.

You just read part 1, my column.
Today’s chapter from
Demons and Daemons, was the second time I made a note while extracting my manuscripts from all the sites, trying to create books. No easy task… I can definitely see a lot of resistance there! 😉
This is the small note I wrote:
.

Chapter 3, Untitled Notes from Lauren #2

day 2, Tuesday July 14
.

I cancelled all my other obligations, to focus on my books for the upcoming 7 weeks..

On. September 1st, I want all my LSH websites cleaned out, everything available in print, and to never have to reread my old life again.
.
In particular nothing of the past 3 years.
.
One of the things I ve been pushing down is my best friend migrating in 2017.
The life where I had a friend who did weekly nights out or tv with me; Who slept over and with whom I had a natural way of being, where we didn’t even have grown up conversations.
It was so cute.
So much fun.

And it hurt so much when she left I just decided to ignore it.
.
And let my life fall apart for three years to come, apparently.
.
.
One of the things I want to start doing to keep myself breathing, is reread notes I made and that I don’t want to forget.
.
Today’s one is:
I want to write a book combining sexual awakening with pop culture.
Stories of sexual awakening illustrated with Star Wars, Madonna, Bon Jovi.
.
And judging from the hundreds of blog posts I copy pasted today – there is a fair chance I already wrote it.
.
~Lauren

Chapter 4 of Demons and Daemons,
will be shared tomorrow,

in a new episode of The Book Club

Subscribe to the blog or follow social media:
Facebook page LS Harteveld
Twitter: https://twitter.com/LSHarteveld

About The Book Club

In The Book Club you can find:
– a post
– and one Chapter of my novella Demons and Daemons.

These Book Club posts will form a new book, “A Map Into Unknown”
Covering a journey of three weeks into darkness (Demons and Daemons)
and three weeks, finding my way back to the light.

.

Books LS Harteveld/ Lauren

Lauren’s books are available at LULU
New books will also be added to Lulu, as sites are being curated.


ABOUT ME

I am Suzanne, the real name of Lauren Harteveld,
Lauren/ LS Harteveld was my second identity under which I wrote about sex, relationships, pop culture, from 2006 to 2020.
Lauren is now in 1995, so she will write offline for us.
Her first year 1994-1995 is available online:

.
coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2020
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4.
Blote Kont- (Dutch)
5. ALL THE THINGS – unpublished work 2010 – 2020

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.
.
Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/

It’s not a house. It’s a playground. | The Book Club day 2

In The Book Club, I write a post and include one Chapter of my novella Demons and Daemons.
The diary entry from Demons and Daemons is really short, and I wrote a column today, about how I would totally want to live together!

I’m sure there must be better examples in popular culture to describe what my ideal “love nest” would be;
But right now only the villa from Pippi Longstocking comes to mind.
A place she completely made to fit her own needs.

One of them was that the horse was allowed to walk freely through the house.
And if I Google her house and see the 1987 movie one is in Florida, this villa definitely falls into the category:
“I could get used to a place like this!”
And if I ever get to live together with a man, I m sure he ll feel the same.

So, in the 3 weeks I wrote “Demons and Daemons”, by posting about 14 out of 21 days on my Facebook page.
During that time, one of the things that saddened me, was people finding love and moving in together, having a “real” relationship.
And I started to think that me not fancying that, not in that way, was one of the reasons almost none of them had stayed.

I would not want to share as much as a teaspoon with most men, let alone live with them -and especially not in the civilized, neatly tidied apartments or houses I usually see them occupying- but still;
It stings.

Yet even without throwing in extra sexual favors, I still believe I m a great person to have a relationship with, and to live with too.

So to see then everybody building little love nests, even if it’s nests you wouldn’t want or locations you wouldn’t want;
Part of you wished you had someone to do that with.

One of the things I ve come to realize is that what I actually want and what would be a “Hell Yes” for me, actually resembles more of a shared living space for students, than a house of a family or a couple.
That my Hell Yes, is quit rare for grownups to want.

Just like Villa Villekulla.

It’s hard to use the correct English terms, because it might be unique to The Netherlands, but until well into the 20th century (it is slowly dying out now, after having flourished for a hundred years or so) people who went to college around the age of 18, would move out of their parents house and rent a room in a big house.
Every student resident had their own room usually with a sink. 
All other amenities were shared, and each resident usually had their own cabinet in the kitchen as well.
There were student houses where everybody lived separately, which was where I lived, but the bigger houses or some of the smaller houses as well, they had the pinnacle of these Dutch student dorms;
A common living room.

So although students usually also had a tv in their room, and a couch;
The main attraction of student dorms like this was the common room.

Over the past few weeks I ve received much clarity over what I would want out of a relationship, in phase 2.
So after you’re done screwing your brains out (phase 1), or better yet you’re still doing that, and you’re ultimately like:
“I kinda like you. What do you say we move in together?”
Then what do you go for?
I think one of the reasons my relationships stranded or didn’t take off, is because my mind went completely blank when it came to phase 2, and in particular on the topic of moving in together.

If you’re not going for a top to bottom refurbished, decorated, color coded house with design furniture;
What do you go for?

The idea of the student’s dorm was the only thought that not just appealed to me, but that actually got me all the way to:
“OMG OMG THAT WOULD BE SO AWESOME OMG!
A response the average love nest has never gotten from me.

So, what is it, that I saw as the ideal love nest of a phase 2 relationship?

To just get one thing out of the way: I would vote for a shared bedroom.
This is not good for your sex life, so that’s why I mention it.
With me being a strong advocate for a good sex life, this choice for a nuptial bed requires some explaining.

It is because the main perk of living like in a student dorm is a great sense of comradery.
You’re friends way more than lovers.
So yes, sleeping together reduces the sexual tension, and it’s not good for your sex life, BUT!
You’re gonna love this- 
This will be lavishly compensated for in another bedroom, which will ONLY be used for sex.
A stylish, hotel chic bedroom, that has the calm of a real hotel.
Or more of a boudoir or brothel style, where we can play for hours on end.
We can also switch it around a bit. Changing the theme of our sex room, would be a nice way to mark the change of seasons!

In summer our chamber of lust could sport an ancient Rome style, with all white, terracotta pots, mosaic and roman busts.
And gladiators, slaves….
And in winter we can go for a heavy red with velvet style.
Our playroom would have everything you need for hours of play.

So with one room entirely dedicated to our sex life, I think it’s reasonably safe to sleep together without much happening, the other nights of the week.
And it’s really good for bonding.
Both bedrooms are.

A separate sex room doesn’t strike me as something most couples want or prioritize, but I think the biggest difference between what I want and what most couples want, is what I would call the common room.

It is tempting to say a common room is the same as a family’s living room.
Not true!
A family’s living room is kept tidy, and presentable to the world.
A common room is no such thing.
It is entirely “designed”, grown organically would have been a better way to put it, around spending leisure time.

In our ideal house we would have all our music and tv there. An extra computer. Our dvd’s.
Not our books- those would be in our separate rooms because you read them by yourself.
Maybe you’re counting with me, but I do admit my ideal shared house doesn’t come cheap.
We each have our own room, so with a shared bedroom and our playroom, our house has four rooms and a common room or living. 

The common room would be all about leisure and have that student dorm like charm.
Our dvd collections and music collections and all our equipment would be there.
And we’d have a big couch or maybe couches, and we’d binge watch series on Netflix and be totally unapologetic about the fact that our entire house looked like a student dorm for two people, and two cats.

And a beautiful and exciting room, just for sex.

You know what?
I just realized I never needed a man for me to have all these things.
Maybe the Pippi Longstocking comparison was right all along!
Pippi lives alone, and she doesn’t seem to crave company other than her pets.

I, or you, or anybody really; We don’t need to be hitched to create our ideal home. 
And I just decided that I am going to create it.
For me.
t’s because living.

Suzanne/ Lauren

You just read a new column.
In this series, The Book Club, I write a column or note, and share a chapter from the novella Demons and Daemons 


Today’s post from Demons and Daemons, chapter 2, was the actual first chapter.
The first post I wrote of what would later be collected as Demons and Daemons.

I was working really hard trying to extract my manuscripts from all the sites, trying to create books.
And it was starting to weigh on me.
This is what I wrote:

CHAPTER TWO – Untitled Notes from Lauren #1

day 1, Monday July 13
.
Things are pretty messed up here –
and it’s largely because processing/ rereading all my old work has been extremely stressful.
.
I m planning on publishing everything I have not published, to “celebrate” going offline.
That there really will be a before and after.
But so far it’s more a before I lose my mind, and after.
And I seem eons away from Before I Became A Proper Writer, and after.

So I adjusted my goals to simply getting it done, and let go of the future or the outcome.
Just get it done.
Just get it.
Just.
One of the things I want to start doing to keep myself breathing, is reread notes I made and that I don’t want to forget.
Today’s one is:
“Do the content only you can do.”
I m the only one who can mix diary writing, with 1995 inspired fiction, with Bon Jovi, with sexuality.
Or at least I used to be before my entire life went awol.
Or at least I used to.
Or.
.
~Lauren.

Chapter 3 of Demons and Daemons,
will be shared tomorrow,

in a new episode of The Book Club

Subscribe to the blog or follow social media:
Facebook page LS Harteveld
Twitter: https://twitter.com/LSHarteveld

.

Books LS Harteveld/ Lauren

Lauren’s books are available at LULU
New books will also be added to Lulu, as sites are being curated.


ABOUT ME

I am Suzanne, the real name of Lauren Harteveld,
Lauren/ LS Harteveld was my second identity under which I wrote about sex, relationships, pop culture, from 2006 to 2020.
Lauren is now in 1995, so she will write offline for us.
Her first year 1994-1995 is available online:

.
coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2020
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4.
Blote Kont- (Dutch)
5. ALL THE THINGS – unpublished work 2010 – 2020

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.
.
Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/

A Map Into Unknown | The Book Club day 1

Around my birthday, I experienced three weeks of prolific writing.
.
Yesterday, I collected all those posts, which I had written on Facebook.
I refer to the habit of writing without notifying your subscribers, without posting it to a blog, as “illegal blogging”.
It’s like a hall pass, it doesn’t count!
And from those collected posts, I created one official post.
A book I called
Demons and Daemons.
.
A Daemon is a creative force, a spirit, and we all know what demons are.
.
After harvesting all these “illegal” posts on Facebook, I wrote a new introductory post.
A first Chapter.
To recap what had happened, in these what seemed insane weeks.
And trying to give a helicopter view of what I had, almost inadvertently created;
A small book, a novella.
But also:
A journey through the deepest layers of my mind.

Pasting together all the pieces made me feel like Will’s mother in the series Stranger Things.
Her son, possessed by an evil entity, starts drawing what he can see inside of him, and once his mother realizes it are not individual drawings, but that they are like a puzzle;
His mother starts gluing them together.
.
Around the entire house, a structure, a map, is formed, from all those individual drawings.
.
Will has drawn a map of an unknown world.
A dark world, where few people have access to.
The world he currently lives in, with the entity possessing his mind.
.
In 21 days, I created such a map.
A map, into Unknown
.
.
Suzanne/ Lauren

The Book Club is my new diary, where we can read the novella Demons and Daemons (my previous post) together.
Subscribe to this blog to receive them in you mailbox.
The subscription button is on this page, probably on the top right.

CHAPTER ONE – DEMONS AND DAEMONS

.
Half July I started writing on Facebook.

Dark posts.
Incomprehensible posts, sometimes. 

Posts that became irrelevant because things worked out.
For example for my books; They all turned out fine.
For example for my websites: I decided to keep all my work online, and not remove 500 blog posts.
.
But underneath all the turmoil and the struggle, something else developed too.
Once you see it, you cannot unsee;
It was as if The Dark Side took over..
.
Just like Luke Skywalker who drew back to the island Ahch-To so that he (a Jedi) could no longer make the wrong decisions-
that’s how I tried to refrain from writing.
.
If only I could refrain from writing, my life would be better.
If only I could refrain from writing, the man or men in my life would want me again.
I would make money doing a normal job.
I would be happy and my entire life would be one big pink and rainbow colored unicorn universe.

And not the life of a writer, fighting dark forces;
A battle always on the edge of a knife.
.
If I could only refrain from writing, all would be well.
.
The demon, the evil power, and the daemon, the creative spirit or genius, are only one letter apart.
And from the two, only the word demon made it into our lexicon.
.
We all know of famous writers who have gone mad.
Even if you’re not a creator yourself, it must come as no surprise that a writer never knows if they’re going to make it back from the other side, anymore than a Jedi knows he will not die by the sword.
At the end of this collection of posts, which I have called Demons and Daemons, I refer to Stranger Things; The Netflix series about a parallel world called The Upside Down, where everything is like in the real world, but bad and very dark.
People get lost in there.
.
The risk to get lost into darkness, is not just upon entering the portal to a parallel universe.
It is also the fate of a writer.
You go into a fantasy world, and you don’t know if it’s the darkness of the Upside Down, a rainbow unicorn place, or a mixed bag like Alice in Wonderland.
Day after day;
You don’t know.
You have no idea what you’re getting yourself into.
.
With regard to my love life, some things happened behind the scenes.
This year, I ve decided to quit online writing about my love life, so you will not find any of it here.
But I once wrote a post:
“It’s always about a man. And if it’s not about a man, it’s also about a man.”
.
In the three weeks I wrote Demons and Daemons, through my daily Facebook posts, I tried to keep my word and keep my love life out of it.
But since it’s always about a man, and even if it’s not about a man it’s about a man?
Trust me when I say that the best way to read it, is as one metaphor for my love life.
.
That as in business, as in love.
As in mental health, as in love.
.
And if I follow a topic and start writing, whether I end up in the Upside Down, the rainbow unicorn world, or in a world of mixed experiences just like Alice?
It’s all a reflection of the inner world.
Just as for many people the outer world, is a reflection of their inner world, the same thing is true for my writing.
If I write about my thoughts and experiences in the outer world, I still share with you my inner world.
And it’s still always about a man.
.
To me, the final diary entry, day 20 called “Committed”, is the moment I find my true love.
.
But whether he’s a Demon or a Daemon, I guess time will tell.
.
~Lauren
and Suzanne/ Lauren
Day 21, August 2, 2020

Chapter 2 of Demons and Daemons,
will be shared tomorrow,

in a new episode of The Book Club

Subscribe to the blog or follow social media:
Facebook page LS Harteveld
Twitter: https://twitter.com/LSHarteveld

.

Books LS Harteveld/ Lauren

Lauren’s books are available at LULU
New books will also be added to Lulu, as sites are being curated.


ABOUT ME

I am Suzanne, the real name of Lauren Harteveld,
Lauren/ LS Harteveld was my second identity under which I wrote about sex, relationships, pop culture, from 2006 to 2020.
Lauren is now in 1995, so she will write offline for us.
Her first year 1994-1995 is available online:

.
coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2020
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4.
Blote Kont- (Dutch)
5. ALL THE THINGS – unpublished work 2010 – 2020

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.
.
Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/

“Demons and Daemons” a Facebook novella by Suzanne/Lauren

Half July I started writing on Facebook.
Dark posts.
Incomprehensible posts, sometimes. 

Posts that became irrelevant because things worked out.
For example for my books; They all turned out fine.
For example for my websites: I decided to keep all my work online, and not remove 500 blog posts.
.
But underneath all the turmoil and the struggle, something else developed too.
Once you see it, you cannot unsee;
It was as if The Dark Side took over..
.
Just like Luke Skywalker who drew back to the island Ahch-To so that he (a Jedi) could no longer make the wrong decisions-
that’s how I tried to refrain from writing.
.
If only I could refrain from writing, my life would be better.
If only I could refrain from writing, the man or men in my life would want me again.
I would make money doing a normal job.
I would be happy and my entire life would be one big pink and rainbow colored unicorn universe.

And not the life of a writer, fighting dark forces;
A battle always on the edge of a knife.
.
If I could only refrain from writing, all would be well.
.
The demon, the evil power, and the daemon, the creative spirit or genius, are only one letter apart.
And from the two, only the word demon made it into our lexicon.
.
We all know of famous writers who have gone mad.
Even if you’re not a creator yourself, it must come as no surprise that a writer never knows if they’re going to make it back from the other side, anymore than a Jedi knows he will not die by the sword.
At the end of this collection of posts, which I have called Demons and Daemons, I refer to Stranger Things; The Netflix series about a parallel world called The Upside Down, where everything is like in the real world, but bad and very dark.
People get lost in there.
.
The risk to get lost into darkness, is not just upon entering the portal to a parallel universe.
It is also the fate of a writer.
You go into a fantasy world, and you don’t know if it’s the darkness of the Upside Down, a rainbow unicorn place, or a mixed bag like Alice in Wonderland.
Day after day;
You don’t know.
You have no idea what you’re getting yourself into.
.
With regard to my love life, some things happened behind the scenes.
This year, I ve decided to quit online writing about my love life, so you will not find any of it here.
But I once wrote a post:
“It’s always about a man. And if it’s not about a man, it’s also about a man.”
.
In the three weeks I wrote Demons and Daemons, through my daily Facebook posts, I tried to keep my word and keep my love life out of it.
But since it’s always about a man, and even if it’s not about a man it’s about a man?
Trust me when I say that the best way to read it, is as one metaphor for my love life.
.
That as in business, as in love.
As in mental health, as in love.
.
And if I follow a topic and start writing, whether I end up in the Upside Down, the rainbow unicorn world, or in a world of mixed experiences just like Alice?
It’s all a reflection of the inner world.
Just as for many people the outer world, is a reflection of their inner world, the same thing is true for my writing.
If I write about my thoughts and experiences in the outer world, I still share with you my inner world.
And it’s still always about a man.
.
To me, the final diary entry, day 20 called “Committed”, is the moment I find my true love.
.
But whether he’s a Demon or a Daemon, I guess time will tell.
.
~Lauren
and Suzanne/ Lauren
Day 21, August 2, 2020

 

Untitled Notes from Lauren #1, Mon 13 July

day 1
.
Things are pretty messed up here –
and it’s largely because processing/ rereading all my old work has been extremely stressful.
.
I m planning on publishing everything I have not published, to “celebrate” going offline.
That there really will be a before and after.
But so far it’s more a before I lose my mind, and after.
And I seem eons away from Before I Became A Proper Writer, and after.

So I adjusted my goals to simply getting it done, and let go of the future or the outcome.
Just get it done.
Just get it.
Just.
One of the things I want to start doing to keep myself breathing, is reread notes I made and that I don’t want to forget.
Today’s one is:
“Do the content only you can do.”
I m the only one who can mix diary writing, with 1995 inspired fiction, with Bon Jovi, with sexuality.
Or at least I used to be before my entire life went awol.
Or at least I used to.
Or.
.
~Lauren
.

.

Untitled Notes from Lauren #2, Tuesday July 14

day 2
.

I cancelled all my other obligations, to focus on my books for the upcoming 7 weeks..

On. September 1st, I want all my LSH websites cleaned out, everything available in print, and to never have to reread my old life again.
.
In particular nothing of the past 3 years.
.
One of the things I ve been pushing down is my best friend migrating in 2017.
The life where I had a friend who did weekly nights out or tv with me; Who slept over and with whom I had a natural way of being, where we didn’t even have grown up conversations.
It was so cute.
So much fun.

And it hurt so much when she left I just decided to ignore it.
.
And let my life fall apart for three years to come, apparently.
.
.
One of the things I want to start doing to keep myself breathing, is reread notes I made and that I don’t want to forget.
.
Today’s one is:
I want to write a book combining sexual awakening with pop culture.
Stories of sexual awakening illustrated with Star Wars, Madonna, Bon Jovi.
.
And judging from the hundreds of blog posts I copy pasted today – there is a fair chance I already wrote it.
.
~Lauren

.

Untitled Notes from Lauren #3, Wednesday July 15

day 3
.

After ten days of wrestling my demons, I m out on the other side!
.
I ve done a ton – a ton!! – of work and curating and publishing my work is the highlight of this year.
And the result is going to incredibly beautiful.
.
I m still planning One Big Book with ALL unpublished work -but the title is no longer All The Things.
I m changing it to Rough and Ready.

And I hope many people will understand that in a sexual way.
A writer can dream!
.
So everything is absolutely brilliant here.
It’s going to take my entire summer – but I m convinced that I ll get the big book ready asap, as well as 8 smaller books that contain rounded stories.
When I wrote online, I often wrote on 3 different series at the same time.
That’s why I can easily see how many smaller books I have.
.
PS:
My websites are still up, so if you want to take a quick browse, always welcome!
Here’s the main one: https://laurenharteveld.com/
And here the archive (English & Dutch): http://www.lsharteveld.nl/
.
The Dutch site no longer has everything on there, but a lot is still online: https://zegmaarlauren.com/
.
I don’t know when I m going remove or hide content – but ultimately all sites will be emptied out,
a very practical reason is that I cannot keep the pages current and updated.
Links are outdated as it is already.
.
.
One of the things I want to start doing to keep myself breathing, is reread notes I made and that I don’t want to forget.
.
Today’s one is:
I needed to build a wall between public me, or publisher me, sales person me, marketing me –
and the creator LS Harteveld.
.
My work is so deeply personal, there is a reason I have not been selling my work.
I was simply not capable of selling it, without breaking down.
But I m also incredibly happy I do not have a publisher, because I do not like the idea of someone else taking ownership of it.
.
But a firewall if you will, needs to be build.
And is being build as we speak.
I ve made the real, everyday me Suzanne the caretaker of my work.
She’s the steward.
.
And it is so freeing.
.
I feel like a curse has been lifted.
I m behind a wall now, but I have never felt more free
.
~Lauren

.

Untitled Notes from Lauren #4, Thursday July 16, 9 P.M.

day 4
.

I think today was payday for having an extraordinary good day yesterday..

A part of me is still optimistic:
Cleaning out my websites and publishing all my work – both in one rough version with all the things as well as creating separate books with complete stories – is a good thing.

A fresh start.
After September 1st I will be a proper author:
My real work will be offline – and published straight to paper, not posted to a blog.
.
Everybody who meets me in my new fresh career as grey mouse nobody, will know I am a writer.
Perhaps even know my pen name – but it’s OKAY!
20 books out, that’s respectable capital R.
.
Yeah, yeah: Such a good choice to clear out the blogs and have that sensitive content no longer available to “the public” meaning people I meet in real life I have no control over.
.
So smart.
.
Oh, and the other part of me doesn’t know the difference between preparing for a job in the normal world and removing sensitive content on one hand;
And getting your affairs in order because you’re dying and you have to leave all that you value behind.
.
Doesn’t know the difference between not blogging as LS Harteveld, and death.
.
.
One of the things I want to start doing to keep myself breathing, is reread notes I made and that I don’t want to forget.
.
Today’s one is:
That the reason I feel so angry towards a fictional employer, imaginary colleagues and anger towards myself because I have not been able, nor prioritized, making money from my writing –
is because I’m angry at “them” for taking my soul.
.
But not nearly as angry as I am with myself for willingly killing myself off before going in.
.
But judging from how poorly I m currently doing at the idea of (involuntarily) cleaning out my blog –
I didn’t need to write that down, nor have I forgotten.
.
I know.
.
And in the words of Kylo Ren:
“I know what I have to do. I just don’t know if I have the strength to do it.”
.
He made the wrong choice by the way, after that –
Let me commit to making tomorrow a better day.
.
And making the right choice.
.
~Lauren

.

Untitled Notes from Lauren #5, Friday July 17

day 5
.

Today was okay-ish!
Which definitely means it was a hundred percent better than yesterday.
And my books have arrived, and after the Lulu software update, my books are still good to go!
The copies are as they always were:
.
With regard to my plans to basically wipe out my entire existence from the internets, in favor of publishing more books and feeling stronger when I get a job;
I ve decided to not delete my English content, in order to feel “safe” in the real world.
Dutch content though?
No verdict yet.
Not just because I m changing my life to creating space for a normal job, and Dutch content is indeed more readily digestible, it speaks to people.
No… that isn’t it.
You know, I d be pretty stupid if I would delete content that speaks to people.
No the reason I m considering deleting the Dutch content is because it’s not 100% me…. there is a layer of downplaying and false self-deprecating going on there that seems almost inborn to the language itself.
.
If I go out into the world I want to fully back myself.
Modesty, normality, hell even accessibility and relatability?
Not my forte.
Not my brand.
Not me.
.
I m seriously still considering deleting the Dutch content but with regard to the English content I m more prone towards a serious clean-up, archiving the blog posts if you will;
Keeping them online in a low maintenance text-only version, and making clear references to programs I m no longer selling, a YouTube channel I no longer have and so on –
is just part of its authenticity.
It’s part of the story.
.
I m thinking about it…
But I feel a lot lighter and happier than I have all week.
.
One of the things I want to start doing to keep myself breathing, is reread notes I made and that I don’t want to forget.
.
Today’s one is:
A Daimon or a Daemon is a spirit being that creates your art with you and through you.
It has been described in literature dating from the ancient Greeks.
And I keep wondering what mine looks like.
I THINK he looks like Lucifer from the series.
But I KNOW how he works!
.
Because my Daemon seduces me very, very skillfully.
He says: “Oh just one little blog post. Humor me.”
And he taps the bed next to him.
.
And then five hours later we have a 5000 word story, my hair is all messed up, I ve missed all my appointments, and when I look at him as in:
“But you said we were just…”
He shrugs, barely caring at all!
“Oh well….” he says, as he lights up his cigarette.
.
And we both know I ll say yes the next time he asks.
.
That’s my Daemon.
.
~Lauren.

.

Untitled Notes from Lauren #6, Saturday July 18

day 6
.

I had an amazing day, but it was a bit much to take in.
So I m not exactly radiating my Saturday night away, but I can feel an incredibly important shift in my energy, and in me accepting myself just like Lucifer in the series on Netflix.
.
Today was so much about realizing;
“Okay, I m going to be smarter with my writing to make money/ I m going to be smarter with my writing to please an employer or at least not stand out like a sore thumb, I m going to be smarter with my writing to not scare every man away because he ll know he get into my blog”
.
Okay, okay, okay.
I get it.
But really?
.
And then where Lauren Harteveld, real name Suzanne, where, my Love, is it going to end?
With you mousing your way through Plain Jane Life in a way God nor the Devil ever wanted for you?
That’s the plan, uhm?
.
Today, I, under all my names, and I like to think with the support of every celestial being appointed with the task of guarding my fate;
We all agreed that that was indeed, NOT the plan.
.
~Lauren
.
One of the things I want to start doing to keep myself breathing, is reread notes I made and that I don’t want to forget.
.
Today’s note is about the three core practices that are my creativity in its most rudimentary form.
The first one is play; silliness, fun.
The second is investigating. Like when I study Bon Jovi materials, or marketing. Or watch Lucifer or another series, especially the ones I have on dvd.
The third practice is alignment or mysticism.
What is aligned for me today?
.
An accompanying note is about the role of advisors in my life.
Some official, my coaches or teachers.
Some are very unofficial, like Jon Bon Jovi and the men I am in love with.
Although they do not coach me, nor teach me, I learn from them.
Sometimes I learn to back myself when they make choices I would not.
Sometimes I learn new things by following their lead or interest.
But with all advisors there is such an incredible sense of love, and gratitude.
.
Speaking of which, yesterday night I started a gratitude journal. Because I felt my heart and life were simply overflowing with it;
I wanted to capture it.
And today too, I ve written down all the wonderful things that happened today.
.
You know, maybe I am radiating my Saturday night away, after all.
.
~Lauren

.

Untitled Notes from Lauren #7, Sunday July 19

day 8
.

I spent an hour writing a post –
Only to have it eaten by Fb because the Gif was too short to upload.
.
I even copied it because I knew that could happen!
But the copy FAILED!
Just 5 words instead of a thousand.
.
The post was about Faith.
So I have FAITH this was meant to be.
.
~Lauren
.

A New Journey Begins

in the movie Basic Instinct Sharon Stone plays a writer, Catherine Tramell

day 13, Saturday July 25

.
“After God’s Omen of having my text disappear into thin air on the day of the lord,
one is of course aware that signs are being sent and caution is called for!”
.
It is exactly one week ago that I posted an Untitled Notes from Lauren here on Facebook.
I did write one more, on Sunday, but that one was eaten by Facebook editor AND it was also eaten by the copy paster, which had only copied 4 sentences instead of the thousand or so words.
.
Because these Facebook notes – also known as the feast called “illegal blogging” where I feel less pressure because it’s not posted to a blog (sometimes I harvest them later, and blog them together) – do have a habit of becoming lengthy.
Usually the length a normal blogger would publish to the blog without hesitation, but I still prefer them here.
Illegally.
.
So what happened?
Well after God’s Omen of having my text disappear into thin air on the day of the lord, one is of course aware that signs are being sent and caution is called for!
.
And indeed, despite holding up day-by-day reasonably well, and even writing both as Lauren and under my real name (Suzanne) that things were going really good;
This was all a matter of perspective.
Good lighting so to speak.
The way a photographer chooses to portray his model in a certain way.
.
In the same way I too, always tend to focus on the positive and not dramatize things.
But there was some stuff happening behind the scenes that showed me (as many posts confess a conclusion I ve drawn about six times in the last 2,5 years)
that the time has come to stop ->online<- writing as LS Harteveld.
.
So I did.
.
And because it came together with the realization – not to say disillusion – that my 14 year long journey in search of the right relationship style and my sexual preferences, had come to an end, it was a bit of a two puncher.
.
First coming to a conclusion that LS Harteveld had to stop writing online.
(a conclusion which had been drawn before)
And that my 14 year journey had come to an end.
(something never thought before)
.
In 2006 I broke up with my partner after 14 years, and went in search of what I did want – hoping to find an explanation why I wasn’t satisfied in a healthy and fun relationship we were having.
That question is answered.
.
But because it involved things like “secrecy” “forbidden fruit” “double identities” yada yada –
Oh!
Almost forgot the most important one.
It also involves:
“Men with whom you have fantastic sex still not choosing for you”
So that was a bummer when you find out you’re still losing the best guys the same way you did as a teen-
but I m already way too elaborate.
So anyway!
Back to why the result of the 14 year long journey was that the blog, the honesty, the entire sex thing on paper – had to go,
was because if I have a chance of a normal relationship – a guy choosing me for once – and the great sex becomes a great relationship, just like it did 28 years ago;
In that case The Lady cannot have a blog.
.
And not just because HE would not accept it if he is known as my partner and I write about how I finally get it in all the ways, and all the days, and how I m now finally in sexual nirvana;
No.
I would not want that.
I don’t want to blog about going steady.
.
I would get totally freaked out if the man I seeing intimately and we’re together day after day, if I would at the same time be writing about him.
.
Writing here – online as LS Harteveld – was a journey of self-discovery.
But it will prevent relationships to grow, maybe it already has.
They might never go beyond the secret-lover status, and if they do, then I am the one who doesn’t want to blog anymore.
If I knew beforehand I would never ever get into something serious, I could keep it up.
But that’s not the case.
.
So that was the reason I knew, and know, that I will no longer be writing online as LS Harteveld.
I will continue my 1994 series, but that will be an offline endeavor, so my pen doesn’t really shape the reality
I could postpone 5 years before I publish.
Who knows, maybe I don’t even feel like writing that anymore…
there is no way to tell.
.
So the writing part died out because of that.
But I had also picked up curating/ publishing all the material, and that also got a slap in the face last week.
There were a couple of men or situations/possibilities that completely bottomed out, and I felt so empty handed.
The thought of going through that work, even if I “feel like” Suzanne the editor and not like Lauren the woman or girl who wanted to be with those men –
it was very raw and I could not see myself editing.
.
Still can’t.
.
But the difference with last week, is that I ve so made my peace with everything.
It was a beautiful journey, searching for your sexuality for 14 years straight.
And I found it, I know now what it is that I like and why a long term relationship with someone who is faithful to me, is not going to work.
I want a long term relationship with someone very supportive of me, including when i would want sexual adventures with others.
But most of all I need him to keep things exciting, for us both basically.
He needs to be open and exploratory with other women.
.
But the relationship I seek does not need seeking.
The man I seek doesn’t either.
Anything I do to “get there”; it all feels so off.
After 14 years, I m done doing anything for my love life
I m done!
It’s okay to be alone, I m not going to spend another minute of my life “trying”.
Enough is enough.
.
This morning I woke up knowing that YES, I am “over” the scare and sorrow of having to go through everything I wrote the past 14 years, that has not been published yet.
I will do it.
I will curate it, edit it, publish it.
I, Suzanne, will take care of this legacy I built.
.
And there is something else; The name thing.
Signing just as Suzanne doesn’t feel good.
“Lauren” has become a part of me.
So much, that I have actually considered adding “Lauren” to my name, on all my other accounts as well.
I won’t, but I will here!
.
So I am Suzanne/Lauren, the editor of Lauren Harteveld, a fictional writer who wrote about sex, relationships, movies, pop culture, from 2006 until the summer of 2020.
.
And maybe we can see that as our new journey.
You and me.
Together.
.
Maybe we were the ones that were supposed to find each other.
And ride off into the sunset.
.

.

I got the male midlife crisis

Michael Douglas (then 48) on the set of Basic Instinct

day 14, Sunday July 26
.

“Because some of my readers may still be looking for an explanation wtf hit them between 42 and 56 depending on your gender (I ll give you the correct ages later)
I have chosen to share this.”
. 
Considering both how much I dreaded going into this midlife phase
– which was mapped out in our yoga education and that horrified me because all options of how my 42 year + period would strike me seemed equally horrible –
as well as how much I have thought about why my life was shot to hell the past couple of years yet I seem to be miraculously cured at my 48th birthday,
it is surprising it took me until this weekend to consider that something peculiar has happened.
.
Because some of my readers may still be looking for an explanation wtf hit them between 42 and 56 depending on your gender (I ll give you the correct ages later)
I have chosen to share this.
That really is the only reason, because “I” Lauren Harteveld, my pseudonym, is living in 1995 where I just turned 23, so this does conflict with my current art form/ performance.
And “I” Suzanne, who is the current-day-bound of the two, also tends to ignore everything about her biological age as well as the covid struck reality we’re currently living in, as much as possible.
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So I had already decided against sharing my midlife insights, until I realized that if I can help even one person, feeling a tiny bit better than I did the past three years-
it was plenty of reason to start sharing.
.
So let’s start sharing.
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In general the midlife crisis of men in their early 50s, and the going through the menses of women late 40s are phenomenons very well documented.
Usually as pretty painful, but also always temporary.
One day you wake up and your physical ailments, as it usually express itself in women, or your existential crisis as it presents itself in men, is gone.
.
But yoga offers a little bit broader perspective on things, dating this female time of deep crisis (worst case scenario) or of starting anew (optimistic outcome) from her 42nd to her 48th;
And with men the male midlife crisis which is the same time of deep crisis or starting with a new woman or a new family- between his 49th birthday and his 56th.
So the women and men are on different cycles, first of all time wise with the women snapping out of it a year before the men are even started, but men and women also differ in how it expresses itself.
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This model of the midlife crisis is related to the 7 chakras, and you move up bottom to top.
So you start at birth in the rudimentary root chakra, and at age 6 (girls) or age 7 (boys) you move up to the second chakra.
From 36 to 42 the woman goes through her most spiritual enlightened chakra (7), only to be cast back to the hell of the first chakra age 42.
She will leave:
– men
– children
– jobs
– careers
Behind only to go on a quest for Je Ne Sais Quoi in infinite forms, usually ending up disappointed.
Or she’ll find a new man, start a new family, or have a child.
So option one is she’ll basically lose 6 years, option B is she’ll start again and option C is the worst of all, which is she’ll get sick and lose the 6 years getting better. Or worse.
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I think I must have blocked the very thought of what would happen after my 42nd birthday, because I can remember dreading it when I was younger;
Yet cannot remember ever reflecting on the entire thing when my life had it’s own funny roller coaster way of falling apart and coming apart at the seams.
A time when a little perspective would have been useful information.
.
So anyway- looking back, I can say, yes –
time wise I was female.
From 42-48 I did go through the 1st chakra period of having the female version of a midlife crisis in the sense that I lost everything.
And yet!
I didn’t go on a quest to look for myself in India.
I basically abandoned yoga those years, even though I was a yoga teacher.
I certainly did not become pregnant, and being someone’s secret lover can in no way qualify as starting a new family.
.
And then this weekend I saw it!
Aha!
So three guesses for whom the most likely scenario going through a midlife crisis is having secretive, exciting, sexual affairs?
Who does not go to India finding themselves?
Who starts getting totally repulsed by the idea of boring long term relationships full of commitments?
Men!
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If I view my midlife years, the 1st chakra years of yoga which for a woman are 42-48 and for a man 49-56;
If I view how horrible I felt, and that the only thing that was able to bring me joy (really bring me joy) was an affair that revolved around the bestest time ever and doing all the things in all the ways-
I spent my midlife years in a perfectly normal way!
.
I once took a test and my brain scored 97% on being male.
You can take it here, in case you’re interested:
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So even though this insight is not going to make those years less painful, or make the “God damn I lost at least three years” (in my case) feeling of hopelessness any less;
Knowing I got to have a secret affair instead of going to India, getting pregnant or falling ill;
I got a STUNNING deal and I should never ever, speak badly of it ever again!

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About the Boys

day 16, Tuesday July 28
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“My eyes would start spinning and produce hearts like one of those cartoon characters.
ALL that time, money, and single mindedness available for something else?
Omg, omg,”
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For the past 14 years I ve done everything I could to discover, shape, and even perfect, my love and sex life.
Some things worked out, some didn’t, but in the end it was the same reasoning I have when it comes to having children, that snapped me out of it.
.
It’s a question I used whenever I thought about wanting children and leaned towards:
“Well, you know with the right man.”
“You never know.”
“It would be incredibly cute.”
“I love babies.”
.
I counterbalanced it with:
“But if you would have to choose between having a child or have all that care, effort, blood, sweat and tears, all that time and money available for something else.
Then which one would you choose?”
.
My eyes would start spinning and produce hearts like one of those cartoon characters.
ALL that time, money, and single mindedness available for something else?
Omg, omg, that is like being allowed to eat all the candy you want without damaging your teeth or your health.
A question like, if you would be a millionaire and money was unlimited, what would you do?
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Imagining that future without children was always the more appealing option.
.
Now, I have to admit, that I do not recommend making your choices this way. It worked for me, because I had already decided I didn’t want them.
But the reason it will not work in general, is that it is extremely difficult to muster that kind of commitment and dedication when you don’t have a little human depending on you.
Unwritten books, non-build businesses and trips around the world that are not taken, do not have the same sense of urgency as an infant.
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Just like I ultimately didn’t want children, I decided recently that I wasn’t going to invest, learn, turn myself inside out and so on, over my love life ever again.
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And realizing all those thoughts could now be spend on something else, almost made my heart skip a beat!
What an inspiring thought!
.
If the next 14 year I would dedicate those mental resources and that time, to a new cause, what would it be?
.
I decided building my legacy and empire as a writer (under two names) and BODY.
Oh, dear mother of God, if only I would get off my ass and not write so much (I admit I immediately saw how this conflicted with my first goal), and do yoga, go outside, exercise a bit, but mainly-
If I would just give the MENTAL attention to being a successful writer and having a strong and healthy body,
as I had given to men the past 14 years?
I would soar.
.
So I got to work, and I have to say, I was very happy with the result!
It was even better than 14 years ago.
I knew what I wanted, and I knew which practices would help me. I drew that blueprint of daily practices and healthy habits, just like that.
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One of the things was mindset work around the areas of writing, body AND having lovers.
So I was not longer trying, for lovers.
No.
They were also not going to be worked on, or anything like that.
From now on they, the lovers plural (although I m monogamous I thought two was better, to keep it light, although I m still not sure I can handle that mentally)
were just going the be there.
Without question.
.
So I was totally happy with how things were going.
Yet tonight I realized that despite being very involved in all the topics I had created affirmations about, I was only actively thinking about the men, the lovers.
.
All the other things were forgotten the moment I had closed that journal.
.
Yet I did some digging and discovered that despite fantasizing about men, and not about anything else –
I had come home from a bike ride, sat back behind my desk and was exceptionally inspired.
Instead of writing two tiny posts, which I thought would take me 45 minutes, this is my third big post.
The other two were written under my real name;
One is posted today, at Rock Star Writer Nijmegen, the other will be posted over there tomorrow.
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So I had “wasted” mental bandwidth thinking “about boys”, something I have been thinking about for 14 years and that I thought I was done thinking about.
But after I came home I was extremely productive!
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In hindsight – you know those women who get angry at the thought of having to limit themselves once they become a mother, or having to choose one or the other?
And then they just do all of it?
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That would have been me.
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The Pleasure Dome

day 17, Wednesday July 29

“Is there even a micro chance that I would not feel like an entire fluke, an impostor, a woman who had a calling and who then threw it all away for financial security?
Of course not.”
 
I think I should know better by now, but still the thought that the answer to every question in my life, can be found in having some kind of daily routine in what I do,
keeps having a tremendous appeal on me.
.
I mean just think;
If I become a writer who writes every day,
shows up for her art,
and also creates her books – which is more a back office endeavor, and one that requires a tremendous amount of ass sitting hours while at the same time generating an infinite amount of self-doubt.
Also manages her finances like a grownup.
Goes out every once in a while, has a place in the real world too, I m mean you know-
to be more than “just” an online writer!
.
Be someone that people can talk to, and you know what to say back and they think you re a normal person instead of a purpose driven mad woman who gets up every day haunted by a story that needs to be written and trying to put it off as long as she can, because she figures The Grown Up Stuff needs to be done first.
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So let’s imagine I would finally become such a person, and generate the results such a person has!
Grown-up, sensible writers have grown-up sensible results.
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Would I then feel accomplished?
.
I think this was a rhetorical question, I think the real question would be:
Would I then still be able to look myself in the eye?
.
Is there even a micro chance that I would not feel like an entire fluke, an impostor, a woman who had a calling and who then threw it all away for financial security?
.
Of course not.
.
Because it’s not about being organized, or about embracing the chaos.
Success, purpose, a life well lived;
None of those things are related to doing this or that.
It is all only related to who YOU are.
.
If you thrive on chaos, so will your finances.
If you drive on order, so will your purpose.
(your purpose will probably tempt you to create a 12 step plan for it, if you are a person who loves order)
.
Your life will not be fully lived, and “results” (esp. the vague ones like feeling accomplished and one with God and everything) will never come,
unless what you do is 100% aligned with who you are.
.
Realizing this I have been wondering-
then who AM I?
.
What characteristic, if it’s not being grown-up, if it’s not being organized, if it’s not creating 12 step programs let alone following them, and if it is definitely not being some writer-block suffering author who hopes the muses will visit one day, but instead of that I m more like a demon possessed crazy creator-
But what is THE characteristic, that I AM?
.
And I decided that was pleasure.
.
If there is a characteristic that will get me “there”, something that will make me feel like the day, the month, the year and the life was lived well;
It’s knowing I always went for what I desired, probably at first sight.
My mouth watered.
My eyes sparkled.
My heart opened.
Damn, who knows, maybe even my loins set on fire.
.
But that I reached out, and connected with it.
.
In the series Lucifer there is a female demon Maze.
Just like Lucifer himself, she is blessed with a strong appetite for sex, in any way, shape or form but she prefers the leather type ones.
Her unapologeticness about it is refreshing.
.
As is the thought to just – as an experiment maybe? – to fully be as you are, and do life as you are;
And see what happens.
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The Right Side Up

warm moment when the right side was up, in Stranger Things
day 18, Thursday July 30
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“The reason I declined to give an interview,
was that I had no uplifting words for newborn entrepreneurs.
.
My advice would have been:
“Run! Run! Flee while you can!!””
.
I was contacted with regard to wanting to talk about my yoga business..
I think it was the same show that contacted me in December.
Although right then I still saw myself as a yoga teacher (a writing one and not one teaching classes. I only taught to friends, until Covid came and I stopped doing that too), I declined then.
And I declined now.
.
The reason they asked me now, was accurate;
They were looking for entrepreneurs who had quit their business.
It was done with the Chamber of Commerce, so this indicated to me that we were supposed to be giving some advice on how to run your business.
Like: How can you prevent you have to stop, kind of thing.
.
The reason I declined to give an interview, was that I had no uplifting words for newborn entrepreneurs.
My advice would have been:
“Run! Run! Flee while you can!!”
.
And I answered with a detailed explanation of why I would strongly advise against starting a business, before you have at least a €25.000 a year hustle going.
Work as an independent seller.
A civilian.
Let people pay you without VAT.
And we have a special tax box in The Netherlands for “Other income”; Just put it there.
Or ask to be put on the payroll, or paid through a payroll agency.
Don’t do anything illegal.
I m not telling you to dodge taxes or anything, just whatever you do?
Do.
Not.
Start.
A.
Business.
.
After I had clicked send in the Facebook chat, I realized I had failed to make one more final argument;
“Oh, and with Covid you’re the gofer for our government. You’re supposed to be collecting health statuses from your clients, when in 2018 you were obliged to draw up a detailed company privacy statement because you occasionally saw some name-address-city data.”
.
There.
Big go f yourself, Dutch government.
Go find someone else to do your henchmen work, because at some point Dutch entrepreneurs are simply going to decide to go underground, work a payroll job, or will simply refuse to lift another finger because they re not interested in continuously being bullied into submitting themselves to ever more legislation, depending on what agenda it is now you want to push.
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I ve seen yoga teachers who made less than a thousand euros a year, yet they still had to register at Chamber of Commerce, register for a VAT number, keep a VAT administration, a business administration, get professional liability insurance.
.
Trust me, until you’ve got €25.000 in sales, there is no reason you would want to invest in being a proper business.
.
So the question on if I wanted to cooperate with a tv program on entrepreneurs who had quit their business, basically unlocked the doors to my internal hell.
If I had wanted to speak kind words, I would not have known where to find them.
.
“My vision on this is so dark, I don’t think that’s what you’re looking for,” I ended my message.
.
I knew I had 20 years of bottled up anger and resentment to this over-legislation, especially with Anglo Saxon countries coming with ever more books like The Side Hustle, The 4 Hour workweek (in the Netherlands just doing your admin and drawing up all your legal papers would take you 4 hours a week!)-
Yet I had no idea it was this close to the surface.
.
That one question was enough to trigger me in saying so many bad things.
.
I felt it was a bit like the Upside Down;
A parallel universe in the series Stranger Things.
All the landmarks, buildings and so on are the same as in our universe, but there are no people just monsters like in Alien.
It is always dark.
And everything is covered in slime.
.
In season 1 of Stranger Things, a girl who has been used for medical experiments, El, is the only one who is strong enough to fight the creatures who live there, because she has superpowers.
.
This shadow world The Upside Down has portals into the normal world, but the main characteristic is:
It IS the normal world.
.
It is the normal world, when all of our nightmares have come true, and we’re cold all alone hiding under a damp blanket in the middle of the dark forest.
.
Already when watching this series, I started wondering:
“If there is a dark Upside Down world;
Would there not also be a parallel universe of light?”
.
And today I expanded on that question:
“If there is a topic that gets me so vile and nasty and unforgiving, in a flash of a second;
Is there a topic that gets me in the best of spirits?”
.
I realized, that yes, there is. There are.
But just like in the series;
The dark sticks to you so much more.
Once the cold has set into your bones, it seems impossible to get rid of.
.
Once you’ve seen the darkness, it becomes increasingly impossible to see the light.
To see the good.
Even just for a second.
.
The Right Side Up world, as I will call it, becomes a place of fiction and myth.
Whereas The Upside Down world of darkness and despair, seems ever more real.
.
It took El’s superpowers to cast the beast back into the shadow world, and to close the portal.
And even she was sucked into that world, as a result of her brave action.
No one thought to go look for her afterwards, or rescue her there.
.
And meanwhile everybody else had their Season 1 Happily Ever After.
.
On payroll, I presume.
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Rock Bottom

day 19, Friday July 31
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I am so angry, I just wrote for nearly two hours, and deleted everything.
What is it: If you don’t have anything nice to say?
I didn’t.
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There’s enough darkness without me starting a war.

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COMMITTED (a happy ending)

day 20, Saturday August 1
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“And yet; I had not committed.
And yet: I had not pursued.
.
I had treated Writing as some unwanted force in my life.
Like a life event or an all-consuming job that you didn’t voluntarily choose.”
.
I have a sign in the bathroom of my yoga studio.
Yes- I still have my yoga space.
Even though I ve retired as a yoga teacher and am no longer teaching friends either, because of Covid.
For the time being I m keeping it on as a space for my own private practice, and who knows I will really start connecting to it again, and feel that it is a part of me.
A place of power.
A place of history.
But right now, in summer (there were some issues with the heating, which makes it hard to look into the future and know if I ll keep it) I ll keep it.
It’s a nice and cool place to practice, so it’s ideal.
.
Today, the first of August, I studied the sign at the door of the toilet.
It has about 30+ meme like sentences.
And I decided to pick one every day, so it will be my private yoga theme for August.
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The first one was:
“Find a passion and pursue it”
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And I immediately thought about something I had read this morning, in a book on Vincent van Gogh.
That Vincent had struggled finding his place in life, and he would continue to do so (his brother supported him) BUT!
The moment he ceased his search to earn a living and become successful with another profession and commit to his art instead, a weight was lifted from his shoulders.
He started developing himself really quickly and his work would never have reached the height it did, if he had stayed stuck in trying to be something he wasn’t.
.
I have been less deliberate in choosing the path of a writer, and certainly not at age 27, because I wasn’t a writer then.
Although the professor who had supervised my thesis, had saved my emails and had printed them and gave them back to me when I got my diploma.
He had really enjoyed reading them, and wanted me to reread them some time.
.
Aside from diary writing and correspondence, I didn’t start writing until the year we broke up our long-term relationship.
We had been together for 14 years, and in 2006 it would strand and I would also start writing.
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Just like my relationship had lasted 14 years, the existence or this work under my penname LS Harteveld, also became difficult after 14 years.
This summer I have made some drastic changes one of them is that I write here under my real name Suzanne,
and that LS Harteveld (Lauren) is living in 1995 and writing offline.
This means (among other things) that I will never write online about my life, in particular my love life.
.
Online diary writing or erotic story writing has ended –
and with that LS Harteveld is now far less active/ current than it used to be.
In the end that was really all there was to it;
A shift from online writing to offline writing for LS Harteveld.
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But I didn’t know that beforehand!
There have also been times when I thought this summer was the moment to stop writing for this account LS Harteveld entirely, and delete all the blogs.
.
It all worked out differently.
I m curating the blog, and I m also – almost automatically – writing for this account daily.
It costs me hours and hours, but it are stories that I really want to tell.
And I also write for my other account under my real name.
.
So I read this first sentence on the sign on my door:
Find a passion and pursue it.
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I read how much good choosing for his art did for Vincent.
.
I have a daily practice of writing for two different accounts.
.
I am looking for a part-time job in manufacturing, or cleaning;
Something that has me up and walking, instead of sitting.
Something that doesn’t require any mental bandwidth.
But most of all;
Something that saves me from myself.
.
So that for like 24 hours or so a week, I DO NOT write.
I DO NOT think.
I do not drive myself mad, I do not “sit behind my typewriter and bleed” as Ernest Hemingway called it.
.
So this summer, for the very first time, I had consciously put all those building blocks in place, accepting the inevitable:
That I am a writer.
.
And yet; I had not committed.
And yet: I had not pursued.
.
I had treated Writing as some unwanted force in my life.
Like a life event or an all-consuming job that you didn’t voluntarily choose.
And for the first time I had designed my life around it.
.
My life was now crafted around the inevitable fact that I was a writer.
.
My PASSION, the thing I had automatically started doing when my partner and me split up, the thing that had taken the place of my partner immediately –
and even before we had decided to split, oh how symbolic-
that passion, Writing, had become:
The inevitable.
An all consuming and unwanted force.
An all-consuming job that I didn’t voluntarily choose.
.
The combination of the choice from Vincent van Gogh for his art, and the first sentence on that sign (Find your passion and pursue it) made me realize I wanted more for my writing, my purpose, my faithful companion since 2006, than to grudgingly be allowed to exist.
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So from this day forward, till death do us part:
I CHOOSE you writing.
.
Muse that has come under different names and different shapes.
Muse that has always given me more ideas than I can possibly process or execute in this lifetime.
You are the bringer of plenty, that much is certain.
I choose you for better, for worse,
for richer or for poorer,
in sickness and in health,
to love and to cherish,
’til death do us part.
.
I do.
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Suzanne/ Lauren
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living
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“Demons and Daemons” was written on Facebook 
Facebook page LS Harteveld

Books LS Harteveld/ Lauren

Lauren’s books are available at LULU
New books will also be added to Lulu, as sites are being curated.


ABOUT ME

I am Suzanne, the real name of Lauren Harteveld,
Lauren/ LS Harteveld was my second identity under which I wrote about sex, relationships, pop culture, from 2006 to 2020.
Lauren is now in 1995, so she will write offline for us.
Her first year 1994-1995 is available online:

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coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2020
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4.
Blote Kont- (Dutch)
5. ALL THE THINGS – unpublished work 2010 – 2020

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.
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Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/