The Erotic Space | The Book Club final chapter

1983 Madonna by Steven Meisel

Before you get any boudoir like ideas about how erotic my current space actually looks, or how I look, I will tell you I am typing this from my desk which also contains five to ten notebooks, journals and diaries all of them in use, a teddy bear, also in use, a water bottle, a stack of laminated vision board cards (not as frequently consulted as I want to), hand-cream, three pencil cases, an inspirational photo of my 40th birthday and I remember being slightly disappointed because I did not think I had my ideal body, where I can see now a woman in killer shape.
And I m wearing a towel covering a coconut hair mask.
Right now; Not on my fortieth birthday where I had gorgeous blonde mane, which contained no grey hair not even underneath the dye.

I am writing you from a space where only the memory of size 8 times past, and the future vision of card decks to come are alive. You would be hard pressed to find anything erotic.
Yet as soon as I heard of the word or concept “erotic space”, I knew it was a key element in defining my art, my writing, my sexuality.
But also my yoga, the way I talk, how I teach or coach or perhaps the reason why I don’t teach or coach.
Erotic space, and the necessity of it in my life, can explain for all of my likes (erotic space present) and dislikes (erotic space absent).

And here behind my desk on a Tuesday in November, writing the final chapter for The Book Club, the erotic space is present.
It is in the freedom to put words to this day.
To mark it as special.
To have a plan for it, which is here right before me, and to then abandon it.
Instead of doing research for two areas of my art where I from now on want to get my fingers in on a daily basis, I am writing.

The erotic space, why it is so rare, why people forget to pay attention to it, or fail to put it high on their list of wants or – like I now know – their list of needs, is first and foremost;
Space.

Space in itself is already highly erotic, although in theory it can be taken up very rapidly by things not erotic at all.
But more on that later.

So space, is the basis of erotic space.

Having a date to have sex is not erotic space.
Having a date to be together and talk over the day, connect, see how the other is, is not erotic space.
Knowing you will buy a toy and unpack it together is not erotic space.
Writing a chapter knowing what the different elements will be is not erotic space.
Dedicating time to doing daily research of two areas of your art is not erotic space.

A long time ago I knew the ending for a book. I knew the theme, I knew the plot. It is the only book or topic I never did anything for.
Because there was no space, so there was no erotic space either.

Everything that is dedicated (to anything other than “let’s just see what happens”); Everything that is planned, plotted, and intended does not have space, and is therefor not erotic space.

I will start inserting the disclaimer that this is a personal experience;
To me, those things are cramped, confided, forced, dead, or fake.
And therefor I can’t do it.

Or I could, but I would never get the same “out of it” as others seem to get (I presume), and I have a low tolerance towards those activities.
It would come with a high cost of energy and will-power and probably a lot of recovery time, mental processing time and so on.
For me, the benefits of doing those things rarely outweigh their cost.

I will give you an example.
A wedding is planned out, and the outcome is fixed. There is no room for anybody to not have a good day, to not be at their best, and so on.
There is no erotic space in a wedding.
A regular party is also still reasonably fixed, although far less than a wedding. Therefor there could be erotic space at a regular party.
I presume erotic parties would have a lot of space to fill in the way you like, so they have erotic space.
But quite unexpectedly, and certainly a lot cheaper, I would say the most erotic space can be found with parties or get togethers which are not planned, or planned at very short notice.
There are no expectations, and anything rolls, giving spontaneous parties or gatherings the most erotic space of all.

You can extend this analogy to relationships, but also to your work, or to making art. You can extend it to how you raise your children, to how you meet your friends, but also to how you relate to your family.
In all of those areas, the more outcomes that are fixed?
The more mental-states, feelings, impulses, ideas, and stories are beforehand excluded.
The more it is dead.

Erotic space is therefor first and foremost an awareness, appreciation, and a deliberate creation of space.
A choice for the unknown, for infinite possibilities, for mysticism, for the untold.
I have called it the world between worlds.

It is from here that everything, and I would say “by nature of its sheer right of being there”, is erotic.
There are no longer boundaries, to anything.
There is only the being in this space, where automatically creation begins.

Creation of feelings.
Creation of experiences.
Creation of visions.
Creation of what we could call the “fine arts”, except they re not the fine arts, because that would be defining and binding it.

Sometimes you can bring something from this space, outside of it.
A painting, a book, a memory.
But way more often, the moment you have left the bubble of where it was created, the very thing you thought of bringing with you, dies.

Just like the love between two people can be very alive in their first months together when they have ignored their agendas, their earthly duties, and live inside this bubble;
But when they bring it outside and come out as a couple it dies.
The only way to bring it back, is to create the bubble:
And not by repeating the things you did, when you were in the bubble.

Doing the things people do, or which you did, when you were in the bubble, does not create the bubble, the space, the erotic space.

Writing daily does not bring you where the Called Ones are writing automatically every day because they can’t not.

Having sex every day does not bring you where the lovers go automatically and spend every waking minute exploring each others bodies and mind, laughing, making up games, creating their own vocabulary and nourish their own fresh memories from how they met.

Planning a party every week does not bring you where people just naturally flock together and someone gets a six-pack of beer, and another suggests pizzas, and a meetup at 4 P.M. turns into a bonfire and singing Irish songs together.

But creating space can bring you there.

Whether the space is then occupied with people needing to share their thoughts, the heavy energy of grief, discontent, despair.
Of lover’s quarreling over who’s fault it is the relationship doesn’t work.

Or whether that space is filled with eroticism, creation, lights, laughter, or all those things we all want it to be?

That is beyond our control, because you cannot stop the first, the what-you-don’t-wants, to whip and kick the latter into existence into your bubble.
You can’t will the eroticism into your space.

So all you have to do, but also all you can do, to be as often as possible in the erotic space;
Is to create as much space as possible.
In your work, your agenda, your friendships, and in the relationship with your lover.
Leave AS MUCH as you can open, by deleting everything that has a contracted, limiting, or even dead energy around it.
Let go.
And go.
And go.

And then just see what happens.

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

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the Book Club: Demons and Daemons

You just read part 1, my column.

Today’s chapter below, is the final chapter from my novella Demons and Daemons .
Bringing an end to our time together, and this series.

The Book Club and the novella Demons and Daemons, will be published together, as “A Map Into Unknown”
The best way to stay in touch, and be informed when it’s ready, is to subscribe to this blog.
The button is somewhere on this page, probably on the top right corner.

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Chapter 12, Untitled Notes from Lauren #11

COMMITTED (a happy ending)


day 20, Saturday August 1

I have a sign in the bathroom of my yoga studio.
Yes- I still have my yoga space.
Even though I ve retired as a yoga teacher and am no longer teaching friends either, because of Covid.
For the time being I m keeping it on as a space for my own private practice, and who knows I will really start connecting to it again, and feel that it is a part of me.
A place of power.
A place of history.
But right now, in summer (there were some issues with the heating, which makes it hard to look into the future and know if I ll keep it) I ll keep it.
It’s a nice and cool place to practice, so it’s ideal.
.
Today, the first of August, I studied the sign at the door of the toilet.
It has about 30+ meme like sentences.
And I decided to pick one every day, so it will be my private yoga theme for August.
.
The first one was:
“Find a passion and pursue it”
.
And I immediately thought about something I had read this morning, in a book on Vincent van Gogh.
That Vincent had struggled finding his place in life, and he would continue to do so (his brother supported him) BUT!
The moment he ceased his search to earn a living and become successful with another profession and commit to his art instead, a weight was lifted from his shoulders.
He started developing himself really quickly and his work would never have reached the height it did, if he had stayed stuck in trying to be something he wasn’t.
.
I have been less deliberate in choosing the path of a writer, and certainly not at age 27, because I wasn’t a writer then.
Although the professor who had supervised my thesis, had saved my emails and had printed them and gave them back to me when I got my diploma.
He had really enjoyed reading them, and wanted me to reread them some time.
.
Aside from diary writing and correspondence, I didn’t start writing until the year we broke up our long-term relationship.
We had been together for 14 years, and in 2006 it would strand and I would also start writing.
.
Just like my relationship had lasted 14 years, the existence or this work under my pen name LS Harteveld, also became difficult after 14 years.
This summer I have made some drastic changes one of them is that I write here under my real name Suzanne,
and that LS Harteveld (Lauren) is living in 1995 and writing offline.
This means (among other things) that I will never write online about my life, in particular my love life.
.
Online diary writing or erotic story writing has ended –
and with that LS Harteveld is now far less active/ current than it used to be.
In the end that was really all there was to it;
A shift from online writing to offline writing for LS Harteveld.
.
But I didn’t know that beforehand!
There have also been times when I thought this summer was the moment to stop writing for this account LS Harteveld entirely, and delete all the blogs.
.
It all worked out differently.
I m curating the blog, and I m also – almost automatically – writing for this account daily.
It costs me hours and hours, but it are stories that I really want to tell.
And I also write for my other account under my real name.
.
So I read this first sentence on the sign on my door:
Find a passion and pursue it.
.
I read how much good choosing for his art did for Vincent.
.
I have a daily practice of writing for two different accounts.
.
I am looking for a part-time job in manufacturing, or cleaning;
Something that has me up and walking, instead of sitting.
Something that doesn’t require any mental bandwidth.
But most of all;
Something that saves me from myself.
.
So that for like 24 hours or so a week, I DO NOT write.
I DO NOT think.
I do not drive myself mad, I do not “sit behind my typewriter and bleed” as Ernest Hemingway called it.
.
So this summer, for the very first time, I had consciously put all those building blocks in place, accepting the inevitable:
That I am a writer.
.
And yet; I had not committed.
And yet: I had not pursued.
.
I had treated Writing as some unwanted force in my life.
Like a life event or an all-consuming job that you didn’t voluntarily choose.
And for the first time I had designed my life around it.
.
My life was now crafted around the inevitable fact that I was a writer.
.
My PASSION, the thing I had automatically started doing when my partner and me split up, the thing that had taken the place of my partner immediately –
and even before we had decided to split, oh how symbolic-
that passion, Writing, had become:
The inevitable.
An all consuming and unwanted force.
An all-consuming job that I didn’t voluntarily choose.
.
The combination of the choice from Vincent van Gogh for his art, and the first sentence on that sign (Find your passion and pursue it) made me realize I wanted more for my writing, my purpose, my faithful companion since 2006, than to grudgingly be allowed to exist.
.
So from this day forward, till death do us part:
I CHOOSE you writing.
.
Muse that has come under different names and different shapes.
Muse that has always given me more ideas than I can possibly process or execute in this lifetime.
You are the bringer of plenty, that much is certain.
I choose you for better, for worse,
for richer or for poorer,
in sickness and in health,
to love and to cherish,
’til death do us part.
.
I do.
———-

Subscribe to the blog or follow social media:

Facebook page LS Harteveld
Twitter: https://twitter.com/LSHarteveld

About The Book Club

In The Book Club you can find:
– a post
– and one Chapter of my novella Demons and Daemons.

These Book Club posts will form a new book, “A Map Into Unknown”
Covering a journey of three weeks into darkness (Demons and Daemons)
and the rest of 2020, finding my way back to the light!

.

Books LS Harteveld/ Lauren

Lauren’s books are available at LULU
New books will also be added to Lulu, as sites are being curated.


Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/

Serendipity | The Book Club final week

click on the photo for the book

This week I’m starting a new life, as a White Tigress;
A solitary single woman with an amazing sex life, radiant health, and rock solid independence.
Here’s the book that dropped on my doormat today.

If there is one thing, that never ceases to fascinate me, it is giving up control.
Stop messing with it.
Stop overthinking it.
Abandon your plan, and anything you think you should be doing for a certain outcome, and instead do nothing and see what happens.
Let go of the steering wheel of Life, even if it’s while promising yourself you’re allowed to grab it, within a week, a day, a minute;
But get a sense of what “it” does, if you are not doing anything.

What are the powers in play here?
What happens when do not grasp or intervene?

One place where in retrospect I did not plan anything, is this book.
It is called A Map Into Unknown, and it consists of:
– the Facebook novella Demons and Daemons
You can find one chapter at the bottom of this post, including a link to the entire novella. The novella is a diary which was written in three weeks in July and early August.
– these chapters from The Book Club
These go on top of the original chapters.

So A Map Into Unknown started in July with single posts on Facebook, then after three weeks I bundled them up to a novella Demons and Daemons;
Then I started going over the chapters one by one in The Book Club project.
And then I decided I would call these two books together, or book within a book;
A Map Into Unknown.

Only to then drop it, leave it untouched for months, and pick it up when a man I don’t know invited me to a seven day masturbation challenge, and I realized this book still had 7 to 8 open chapters.

Resulting in these “The Final Week” Chapters, that you’re currently reading.

This Sunday I will have written my most layered book, by doing nothing.
I had no idea where it was going.

In fact, I was so in the dark, that just two days ago I didn’t even know if I was going through with publishing the end result. 
If it would ever “be” something. And that was fine.
I was too curious to see what would come out of it, even if it could not be published or did not have an ending or something.

But now?
When on more or less “day 1” of what I have been calling my new White Tigress life, I receive a copy of my first English book around the White Tigress, and love it?
Now I realize you really cannot, and should not, plan.
I ordered this book two weeks ago when I had no plans to start identifying as a White Tigress again, nor did I plan on using these yoga exercises.
To be getting the book White Tigress out, was a business decision, or artistic decision. It was not because I wanted to read the book myself.

My yoga practice at the moment is entirely different and I don’t use schedules.

But I picked up this book.
And not only was it glossy, and beautiful, and exactly right, so I could open the link for distribution.
But I loved the exercises!

My two White Tigress posts from the last two days, about yoga, and becoming a White Tigress, have inspired me.
So I did practice yoga with the book today.
Exercises I have developed in the 15+ years I taught yoga professionally.

It is like a legacy of a woman I no longer am, physically.
It is her message, or gift, from my past self to the current day writer me, who oftentimes struggles to do yoga in combination with her desk work.

And I realized that not only did the yoga book White Tigress arrive at exactly the right time, but also that A Map Into Unknown came together exactly as it should be.
This complex journal from July to November 2020, will be one of the many books I will bring to print in 2020; but a very recent and unexpected one!

After 2020 I expect to keep writing as LS Harteveld, but I won’t be harvesting or publishing any work, any time soon.
I foresee I won’t be publishing for a minimum of three years, m
aybe longer.

So not only did I receive my White Tigress yoga book, which has been in the making and under construction for more than four years, on the day my new life as a White Tigress begins;
With Demons and Daemons/The Book Club, falling together in my 2020 diary A Map Into Unknown, I have also received an unexpected final book.

The closing book of my upcoming 2020 collection, and final book for an indefinite period of time, will be called “A Map Into Unknown”.

You cannot make that up, even if you tried.

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

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the Book Club: Demons and Daemons

You just read part 1, my column.

Today’s chapter below, from Demons and Daemons, is one that is about entrepreneurship in Covid times.
It’s from July but if feels ages ago I was called to speak why I quit teaching, or why I quit my business

This is what I wrote:
.

Chapter 12, Untitled Notes from Lauren #11

The Right Side Up

day 18, Wednesday July 30

warm moment when the right side was up, in Stranger Things
I was contacted with regard to wanting to talk about my yoga business..
I think it was the same show that contacted me in December.
Although right then I still saw myself as a yoga teacher (a writing one and not one teaching classes. I only taught to friends, until Covid came and I stopped doing that too), I declined then.
And I declined now.
.
The reason they asked me now, was accurate;
They were looking for entrepreneurs who had quit their business.
It was done with the Chamber of Commerce, so this indicated to me that we were supposed to be giving some advice on how to run your business.
Like: How can you prevent you have to stop, kind of thing.
.
The reason I declined to give an interview, was that I had no uplifting words for newborn entrepreneurs.
My advice would have been:
“Run! Run! Flee while you can!!”
.
And I answered with a detailed explanation of why I would strongly advise against starting a business, before you have at least a €25.000 a year hustle going.
Work as an independent seller.
A civilian.
Let people pay you without VAT.
And we have a special tax box in The Netherlands for “Other income”; Just put it there.
Or ask to be put on the payroll, or paid through a payroll agency.
Don’t do anything illegal.
I m not telling you to dodge taxes or anything, just whatever you do?
Do.
Not.
Start.
A.
Business.
.
After I had clicked send in the Facebook chat, I realized I had failed to make one more final argument;
“Oh, and with Covid you’re the gofer for our government. You’re supposed to be collecting health statuses from your clients, when in 2018 you were obliged to draw up a detailed company privacy statement because you occasionally saw some name-address-city data.”
.
There.
Big go f yourself, Dutch government.
Go find someone else to do your henchmen work, because at some point Dutch entrepreneurs are simply going to decide to go underground, work a payroll job, or will simply refuse to lift another finger because they re not interested in continuously being bullied into submitting themselves to ever more legislation, depending on what agenda it is now you want to push.
.
I ve seen yoga teachers who made less than a thousand euros a year, yet they still had to register at Chamber of Commerce, register for a VAT number, keep a VAT administration, a business administration, get professional liability insurance.
.
Trust me, until you’ve got €25.000 in sales, there is no reason you would want to invest in being a proper business.
.
So the question on if I wanted to cooperate with a tv program on entrepreneurs who had quit their business, basically unlocked the doors to my internal hell.
If I had wanted to speak kind words, I would not have known where to find them.
.
“My vision on this is so dark, I don’t think that’s what you’re looking for,” I ended my message.
.
I knew I had 20 years of bottled up anger and resentment to this over-legislation, especially with Anglo Saxon countries coming with ever more books like The Side Hustle, The 4 Hour workweek (in the Netherlands just doing your admin and drawing up all your legal papers would take you 4 hours a week!)-
Yet I had no idea it was this close to the surface.
.
That one question was enough to trigger me in saying so many bad things.
.
I felt it was a bit like the Upside Down;
A parallel universe in the series Stranger Things.
All the landmarks, buildings and so on are the same as in our universe, but there are no people just monsters like in Alien.
It is always dark.
And everything is covered in slime.
.
In season 1 of Stranger Things, a girl who has been used for medical experiments, El, is the only one who is strong enough to fight the creatures who live there, because she has superpowers.
.
This shadow world The Upside Down has portals into the normal world, but the main characteristic is:
It IS the normal world.
.
It is the normal world, when all of our nightmares have come true, and we’re cold all alone hiding under a damp blanket in the middle of the dark forest.
.
Already when watching this series, I started wondering:
“If there is a dark Upside Down world;
Would there not also be a parallel universe of light?”
.
And today I expanded on that question:
“If there is a topic that gets me so vile and nasty and unforgiving, in a flash of a second;
Is there a topic that gets me in the best of spirits?”
.
I realized, that yes, there is. There are.
But just like in the series;
The dark sticks to you so much more.
Once the cold has set into your bones, it seems impossible to get rid of.
.
Once you’ve seen the darkness, it becomes increasingly impossible to see the light.
To see the good.
Even just for a second.
.
The Right Side Up world, as I will call it, becomes a place of fiction and myth.
Whereas The Upside Down world of darkness and despair, seems ever more real.
.
It took El’s superpowers to cast the beast back into the shadow world, and to close the portal.
And even she was sucked into that world, as a result of her brave action.
No one thought to go look for her afterwards, or rescue her there.
.
And meanwhile everybody else had their Season 1 Happily Ever After.
.
On payroll, I presume.
———-

Chapter 13 of Demons and Daemons,
will be shared soon,
in a new episode of The Book Club

Subscribe to the blog or follow social media:
Facebook page LS Harteveld
Twitter: https://twitter.com/LSHarteveld

About The Book Club

In The Book Club you can find:
– a post
– and one Chapter of my novella Demons and Daemons.

These Book Club posts will form a new book, “A Map Into Unknown”
Covering a journey of three weeks into darkness (Demons and Daemons)
and the rest of 2020, finding my way back to the light!

.

Books LS Harteveld/ Lauren

Lauren’s books are available at LULU
New books will also be added to Lulu, as sites are being curated.


Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/

Become a White Tigress: 3 Habits To Start Today | The Book Club final week

This week I’m starting a new life, as a White Tigress;
A solitary single woman with an amazing sex life, radiant health, and rock solid independence.
Here’s how to become one.

This is not a post, where I can show you flashy before and after pictures. Or I could but then the “before” pictures would be from ten years ago, when I DID take before pictures, and weighed 15 kilos lighter than today (those were “before” pictures!), and I would caption them with;
“With all do respect but what were you thinking, Lauren2010?”  
With your tiny hot pants jeans, good Lord, you look amazing woman.

Those before pictures, I could provide.

And I COULD use them to illustrate what a fabulous body you get from teaching 12 yoga classes a week, and very consistently skipping your home yoga practice.
“How do you know you didn’t do yoga at home, Lauren?” you might ask.
Well, I know so, because there ARE before pictures. Meaning I saw an opportunity to tone, shape, burn fat, otherwise I would not have done that.
And since I don’t do dieting, in fact I think losing weight while on a diet is “cheating”, or at least extremely unwise since the only truly desirable body is one with a digestive fire that could burn anything you could possible eat;
I know the aim of my challenge in 2010 could only have been to tone up using yoga.

I think diets are a sign something in your life went very wrong.
In the Netherlands, for a very long time, the word diet was reserved for people who were sick and weak.
I grew up in that time, and that definition not just stuck, but I’m convinced to this day, where the word diet is used by everyone even in the Netherlands, that the Dutch 80s way of seeing a diet, was actually the healthier one.
It certainly fits with my idea of what a strong healthy body looks and feels like;
It’s where you are physically very active, and eat anything you want. And in any amount you want.

That’s how I know Miss Hotpants 2010 was not planning on going on a diet, and saw a very easy and desirable way to shape up, and it was yoga.
As in self-practice yoga, not teaching yoga.
Practicing yoga is something every yoga teacher is basically taught to do, when taking his or her training, so it wasn’t something out of the ordinary.

Miss Hotpants 2010, who was 60 kilos by the looks of it, but from the fact she wanted to shape up it was probably 63 – was going to do so by doing her home yoga practice next to teaching 12 classes a week.
Classes she was going to on her bicycle, counting for about 14 twenty minute bicycle rides, per week.

My shape in those pictures was the result of physical exercise being an integral part to my life, by teaching yoga and commuting.
Not by diet, not by going to the gym, not by home yoga.

Fast forward ten years: I no longer teach yoga, at least not group classes. And the writing which I have been doing since 2006, has taken over my life.
Although I have many art forms (LS Harteveld, is a pen name and my writing-only acccount) and I make an effort to nurture speaking over writing, of teaching over writing, of live streaming over writing, of drawing over writing, of photographing over writing;
I am a writer.
I know that.
I also know that if I have ANY advice, like one step you should definitely not be taking if you want to become a White Tigress, or any other role model physique or lifestyle you might aspire to, it is this;
One step.
The single most important thing you can do for your health.
Even if you do not do any of the other 3 steps, if you manage to avoid the following, it will probably already save you from 10 extra kilos, clogged arteries and early death.

Do.

Not.

Write.

Gaming, digital crafting, social media on your phone or at your desk;
Any activity where you’re using a screen and are actively involved (but some say passive screen time like Netflix is equally bad for you) is piling up the pounds and swinging the door wide open for aging-effects.
“Please take me with you! Oh father time!” as you open another blog post. 

Every time I hear people have a writer’s block I want to yell:
“Keep it! Don’t change a thing! Go out and get some fresh air!”

So if that’s you, you can just stop reading, because stopping writing, or keeping yourself from writing, gaming, working online and so on, for the upcoming decade, will absolutely be the best thing you can do for your health.

Problem is of course:
Most of us can’t.

Some are called, like me, and they cannot stop writing. It would be like stopping breathing. 
And others are dependent on their work, their desk-time, to make them money. So they too, do not have the option of not being behind their screens and sitting on their butts.
This is our life.

I was a yoga teacher in 2010, but I am not that person anymore.
I do not teach yoga anymore.
And I AM called to write, so I can’t stop writing.

That’s when these 3 Steps come in.

One day I hope to write a guide, in English, about the sexual philosophy of the White Tigress as well.
But that is at least partially superfluous because the original book is already written, and fortunately still in print:

book: original White Tigress by Hsi Lai
(if you’re a man, Google for Hsi Lai and Jade Dragon)
But what I hope to one day do, is write a modern day lifestyle guide for single women in the Western world. 

I have written a little Dutch guide, Witte Tijgerin, in 2017, so maybe I’ll translate that.

But for now I’m focusing on the basics of getting in better health, and the specifics of a White Tigress sex life, will have to wait.
But I will include what I can, today, in step 4

 

Become a White Tigress:
3 Habits To Start Today

 

Habit 1 from 3: self-care & honor your sexuality

Honoring your sexuality means that you start owning it, and living into it. Regardless if there will be lovers, or partners in the future.
Groom yourself, love yourself, prepare yourself, as if every day is Lover’s Day, and you’re living in the land of plenty.
Next to that; masturbate.
Orgasms male and female have different effects, therefor it is only advised for women.
Masturbate daily, and don’t use anything inside of your vagina. Just the outside.

Habit 2 from 3: get daylight and exercise outside

Doesn’t really need an explanation.
I would say 40 minutes daily is minimum, but the more the merrier.

Habit 3 from 3: Do yoga 

I’m working on a yoga guide, which should be available before the end of the year. But any yoga will do.
If you’re new to yoga, you can check out Yoga With Adriene on YouTube, who has 20-30 minute videos.
YouTube Channel Yoga With Adriene
And if you’re an experienced yogi, just do it any way that feels good for you and you can practice longer if you like.

Whether with a yoga teacher, a schedule, or putting on some music (f.e. one album, or a 60 minute playlist) and letting your body move freely;
It is really about doing yoga in a way that feels good to you.

Bonus habit: raise your sexual energy

There is so much to say about how sexually being with a man, contributes to your health.
And for the physical aspects, you should be reading the guide I mentioned before:

book: original White Tigress by Hsi Lai
(and again, if you’re a man, Google for Hsi Lai and Jade Dragon)

But even without knowing the ins and outs, on an esotheric plane, the most important take-away, and difference between normal dating and a White Tigress style of being with men, is that you do it to get excited and feel more alive in the moment.
Dating or sex, is not something you do to one day lead you to the altar, or any future outcome: The only thing relevant is how it makes you feel right now.

Whether you’re corresponding, Whatsapping, seeing each other in real life, or sharing the bed, moment to moment elevate yourself, elevate the other;
Let the vibration of being together be one of lightness, fun and joy.

The sun is setting.
I did not go outside for a walk, and I wrote instead. 

Even though I will go outside for a night time walk in a moment, today will be the first day in weeks perhaps even months, when I didn’t see daylight. 

Which proves my point;
Whatever you do, don’t write.

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

.

the Book Club: Demons and Daemons

You just read part 1, my column.

Today’s chapter below, from Demons and Daemons, is so much fun!
And a great addition to what I wrote above.
It gives you an idea of how to implement the three habits, depending on what type of person you are.

This is what I wrote:
.

Chapter 11, Untitled Notes from Lauren #10

The Pleasure Dome

day 17, Wednesday July 29

I think I should know better by now, but still the thought that the answer to every question in my life, can be found in having some kind of daily routine in what I do,
keeps having a tremendous appeal on me.
.
I mean just think;
If I become a writer who writes every day,
shows up for her art,
and also creates her books – which is more a back office endeavor, and one that requires a tremendous amount of ass sitting hours while at the same time generating an infinite amount of self-doubt.
Also manages her finances like a grownup.
Goes out every once in a while, has a place in the real world too, I m mean you know-
to be more than “just” an online writer!
.
Be someone that people can talk to, and you know what to say back and they think you re a normal person instead of a purpose driven mad woman who gets up every day haunted by a story that needs to be written and trying to put it off as long as she can, because she figures The Grown Up Stuff needs to be done first.
.
So let’s imagine I would finally become such a person, and generate the results such a person has!
Grown-up, sensible writers have grown-up sensible results.
.
Would I then feel accomplished?
.
I think this was a rhetorical question, I think the real question would be:
Would I then still be able to look myself in the eye?
.
Is there even a micro chance that I would not feel like an entire fluke, an impostor, a woman who had a calling and who then threw it all away for financial security?
.
Of course not.
.
Because it’s not about being organized, or about embracing the chaos.
Success, purpose, a life well lived;
None of those things are related to doing this or that.
It is all only related to who YOU are.
.
If you thrive on chaos, so will your finances.
If you drive on order, so will your purpose.
(your purpose will probably tempt you to create a 12 step plan for it, if you are a person who loves order)
.
Your life will not be fully lived, and “results” (esp. the vague ones like feeling accomplished and one with God and everything) will never come,
unless what you do is 100% aligned with who you are.
.
Realizing this I have been wondering-
then who AM I?
.
What characteristic, if it’s not being grown-up, if it’s not being organized, if it’s not creating 12 step programs let alone following them, and if it is definitely not being some writer-block suffering author who hopes the muses will visit one day, but instead of that I m more like a demon possessed crazy creator-
But what is THE characteristic, that I AM?
.
And I decided that was pleasure.
.
If there is a characteristic that will get me “there”, something that will make me feel like the day, the month, the year and the life was lived well;
It’s knowing I always went for what I desired, probably at first sight.
My mouth watered.
My eyes sparkled.
My heart opened.
Damn, who knows, maybe even my loins set on fire.
.
But that I reached out, and connected with it.
.
In the series Lucifer there is a female demon Maze.
Just like Lucifer himself, she is blessed with a strong appetite for sex, in any way, shape or form but she prefers the leather type ones. 
Her unapologeticness about it is refreshing.
.
As is the thought to just – as an experiment maybe? – to fully be as you are, and do life as you are;
And see what happens.
———-

Chapter 13 of Demons and Daemons,
will be shared soon,
in a new episode of The Book Club

Subscribe to the blog or follow social media:
Facebook page LS Harteveld
Twitter: https://twitter.com/LSHarteveld

About The Book Club

In The Book Club you can find:
– a post
– and one Chapter of my novella Demons and Daemons.

These Book Club posts will form a new book, “A Map Into Unknown”
Covering a journey of three weeks into darkness (Demons and Daemons)
and the rest of 2020, finding my way back to the light!

.

Books LS Harteveld/ Lauren

Lauren’s books are available at LULU
New books will also be added to Lulu, as sites are being curated.


Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/

The White Tigress Returns | The Book Club final week

I’m writing 7 blogposts, on 7 consecutive days, to get over my lover and also start my life anew.
This is one of them.

In 2017 I published a little Dutch guide, Witte Tijgerin, about how to rock at being a single woman and be confident in your life choice to live solitary.

Even choosing the word solitary was of course a radical statement there.
It immediately illustrates how much we think in couples.
And how being single, largely unconsciously, is still being viewed, as well as experienced, as only being half of something that doesn’t exist.
As if you’re waiting to be complete.
But saying “I am solitary” is not waiting to be complete.

Despite being so small, the tiny guide was really good, and I knew it. Yet I also knew I would not be able to bring it to the market, promote it, and the English translation stranded.
Because I no longer felt a White Tigress myself.

I was having an affair, I was a mistress.
The book would just have to speak for itself, because I no longer represented what it stood for.
Until now.

We no longer have an affair, and did try to pick it up because we still like each other. And I m as crazy about him as I have been all those years.
And yet, we just can’t get back together.
And from my side, I suspect it’s because the mistress coat doesn’t fit anymore.

Just like when I broke up my long-term relationship, in 2006, it isn’t until later, that I understood what was bothering me.
Why a hunch, that it’s not working, cannot be understood until months or even years have passed.
Yesterday, in the post I wrote about not liking doggy style sex, I realized that we had lost the intimacy of our first years.
Initially, I had favorably written it off as our relationship not being as “experimental”, but yesterday I realized it was way more than that.
Our intimacy had been on the decline for years.
Doggy style sex, to me, stood for sex with a porn-like distance.
When I, and in all likeliness we, wanted so much more.

So just like three years ago when I published a Dutch guide for single women, just at the moment I no longer saw myself as such;
I am now working on publishing books on mistresshood, thinking:
“But I’m no longer a mistress!”

I can FEEL being a White Tigress, without having a sex life, because the White Tigress lifestyle entails so much more than just sex
you can read all about the original White Tigress in this book by Hsi Lai
but I do not feel myself a mistress, without being a mistress.

In theory, I view being a mistress as a sexual identity. Comparable to being gay. The chances that I will ever fall for a man who is single are close to zero.
As are the chances that I will fall for a man who will break off his marriage in a dramatic gesture that he had chosen the “wrong” woman, and has now found true love with me.

Chances that I ll get a new affair, with someone who also sees other women or another woman, are very high.
That is why I view being a mistress as a sexual identity, a preference. It is not chance or luck, or a bad choice in men, that makes a true mistress a mistress.
She is coded to prefer sex and love being served in that particular way;
With her being the other woman, in love with a taken man.
And him being in love, and finding something which he can’t or doesn’t allow himself to feel, within a more traditional relationship.

I still stand by all of that.
Yet at the same time, a solitary mistress? I don’t feel that. 
The moment I am single I immediately see the chances of falling for a single guy, or a taken guy, as equal.
All bets are off.
I m definitely not willing to “cast” or look for, a partner who is already in a relationship.

I start over and I start anew.

And I find myself going back to the little guide I wrote, three years ago. And I have pulled out my Hsi Lai books, The Sexual Teachings Of The White Tigress, and White Tigress, Green Dragon.
I find myself dipping my toes in the waters of the familiar territory of the White Tigress. And it’s like a warm bath. 
Regardless of what the future brings;
I am home.

And since I am now officially solitary again, I have the whole bath to myself..

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

relevant to this post:
1. a little Dutch guide, Witte Tijgerin
2.
Big, diaries and erotica, about my first two years as a mistress

.

the Book Club: Demons and Daemons

You just read part 1, my column.

Today’s chapter below, from Demons and Daemons, is an absolute gem!
And it clearly states I already gave myself two lovers last summer.
I had almost forgotten about them 😉

This is what I wrote:
.

Chapter 11, Untitled Notes from Lauren #10

About the Boys

day 16, Tuesday July 28

For the past 14 years I ve done everything I could to discover, shape, and even perfect, my love and sex life.
Some things worked out, some didn’t, but in the end it was the same reasoning I have when it comes to having children, that snapped me out of it.
.
It’s a question I used whenever I thought about wanting children and leaned towards:
“Well, you know with the right man.”
“You never know.”
“It would be incredibly cute.”
“I love babies.”
.
I counterbalanced it with:
“But if you would have to choose between having a child or have all that care, effort, blood, sweat and tears, all that time and money available for something else.
Then which one would you choose?”
.
My eyes would start spinning and produce hearts like one of those cartoon characters.
ALL that time, money, and single mindedness available for something else?
Omg, omg, that is like being allowed to eat all the candy you want without damaging your teeth or your health.
A question like, if you would be a millionaire and money was unlimited, what would you do?
.
Imagining that future without children was always the more appealing option.
.
Now, I have to admit, that I do not recommend making your choices this way. It worked for me, because I had already decided I didn’t want them.
But the reason it will not work in general, is that it is extremely difficult to muster that kind of commitment and dedication when you don’t have a little human depending on you.
Unwritten books, non-build businesses and trips around the world that are not taken, do not have the same sense of urgency as an infant.
.
Just like I ultimately didn’t want children, I decided recently that I wasn’t going to invest, learn, turn myself inside out and so on, over my love life ever again.
.
And realizing all those thoughts could now be spend on something else, almost made my heart skip a beat!
What an inspiring thought!
.
If the next 14 year I would dedicate those mental resources and that time, to a new cause, what would it be?
.
I decided building my legacy and empire as a writer (under two names) and BODY.
Oh, dear mother of God, if only I would get off my ass and not write so much (I admit I immediately saw how this conflicted with my first goal), and do yoga, go outside, exercise a bit, but mainly-
If I would just give the MENTAL attention to being a successful writer and having a strong and healthy body,
as I had given to men the past 14 years?
I would soar.
.
So I got to work, and I have to say, I was very happy with the result!
It was even better than 14 years ago.
I knew what I wanted, and I knew which practices would help me. I drew that blueprint of daily practices and healthy habits, just like that.
.
One of the things was mindset work around the areas of writing, body AND having lovers.
So I was not longer trying, for lovers.
No.
They were also not going to be worked on, or anything like that.
From now on they, the lovers plural (although I m monogamous I thought two was better, to keep it light, although I m still not sure I can handle that mentally)
were just going the be there.
Without question.
.
So I was totally happy with how things were going.
Yet tonight I realized that despite being very involved in all the topics I had created affirmations about, I was only actively thinking about the men, the lovers.
.
All the other things were forgotten the moment I had closed that journal.
.
Yet I did some digging and discovered that despite fantasizing about men, and not about anything else –
I had come home from a bike ride, sat back behind my desk and was exceptionally inspired.
Instead of writing two tiny posts, which I thought would take me 45 minutes, this is my third big post.
The other two were written under my real name;
One is posted today, at Rock Star Writer Nijmegen, the other will be posted over there tomorrow.
.
So I had “wasted” mental bandwidth thinking “about boys”, something I have been thinking about for 14 years and that I thought I was done thinking about.
But after I came home I was extremely productive!
.
In hindsight – you know those women who get angry at the thought of having to limit themselves once they become a mother, or having to choose one or the other?
And then they just do all of it?
.
That would have been me.
———-

Chapter 12 of Demons and Daemons,
will be shared soon,
in a new episode of The Book Club

Subscribe to the blog or follow social media:
Facebook page LS Harteveld
Twitter: https://twitter.com/LSHarteveld

About The Book Club

In The Book Club you can find:
– a post
– and one Chapter of my novella Demons and Daemons.

These Book Club posts will form a new book, “A Map Into Unknown”
Covering a journey of three weeks into darkness (Demons and Daemons)
and the rest of 2020, finding my way back to the light!

.

Books LS Harteveld/ Lauren

Lauren’s books are available at LULU
New books will also be added to Lulu, as sites are being curated.


Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/

Doggy (Out of) Style | The Book Club final week

On Saturday November 7, I wrote the turning point blogpost in a series that has covered five months of 2020;
A Chance To Purge All That Once Was | The Book Club final week
This is one of those final 7 posts, to purge all that once was.

It came to me, the way all revelations seem to come to me nowadays;
Through a man I call The Saint.
In my blogposts which I write “from 1995”, for the project where I live as if it’s 1995, I call him Nikki;
A man from England with whom I am writing letters.

I know The Saint, the 2020 version of Nikki, through the internet but other than that I don’t know him any more than Lauren95 knows her anonymous Nikki.
Whether it’s 2020 or we take the story to 1995;
It’s just that there was a click.

Rather than a physical affair, or flirtations that are aimed at becoming a couple or having sex, our correspondence is really just that.
Correspondence.
Allowing Lauren95, the 23 year old version of me, to get over her relationship with Bear.
And allowing current day me, to get over my relationship with Mr.Big.

It’s funny how this new correspondence makes me aware what blessing there is in wanting each other, but beforehand indicating you’re not available for real sex; What a unique set of circumstances, that creates an experience you’ll never forget.
It’s almost as if the minds demand to plunge into one another, as if they demand full satisfaction on the mental plane, when the physical aspect of sex is taken off the menu.

And it’s never entirely off the menu.
I have a body, he has a body.
It’s just that considering the circumstances, a step to become lovers will not be easily taken. And in all likeliness, never be taken.

But the mind plunges, confesses, absorbs, penetrates.
They melt together and do the things the bodies can’t. And in my opinion they do it because the bodies can’t.

The Saint and me were talking about our favorite poses, and our least favorite poses, and although I thought I had good reason to not like doggy style sex – because it hurts because the penetration is too deep – he made it very specific.
He asked me if I had been hurt.
And maybe because I had been so explicit about the physical aspect being hurtful, I understood this question as:
Mentally.

I think I brushed it off, or repeated the physical aspects of it, because I really don’t have a memory of anything happening in doggy against my will or anything.
But despite my quick and pragmatic answers, I kept thinking about it. 

Had I been hurt in doggy?

The question wasn’t answered until we had already moved on to our favorite poses, and I said I liked the melting together missionary.
And how I remembered the most intimate versions of that to be in our first few years. And suddenly I felt sorry for myself, because I knew that I had not gotten that in recent years.

It was as if the most intimate part of our affair had stopped years before it ended. As if he had retreated, pulled away, and I had not noticed.
But I could have, if I had paid attention.

And that’s when I realized it was not so much about not liking doggy. Nor was my problem with the physical pain of it. 
But that doggy style sex stood for something that had stayed on the menu. And suddenly I did remember vividly that every time I positioned myself that way, turning away with my back towards him, I had felt disappointment.
I had known, it was not what I really wanted.

Just that I didn’t understand why.

When your deepest desire is to melt together, drowning into each other’s eyes, and the bodies pressing and sweating together, desiring to become one and to be one, and then you get doggy?

Yeah, that hurts.

.

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

.

the Book Club: Demons and Daemons

You just read part 1, my column.

Today’s chapter below, from Demons and Daemons, is a very informative one! 

This is what I wrote:
.

Chapter 10, Untitled Notes from Lauren #9

I got the male midlife crisis


day 14, Sunday July 26

Michael Douglas (then 48) on the set of Basic Instinct
Considering both how much I dreaded going into this midlife phase, which was mapped out in our yoga education and that horrified me because all options of how my 42 year + period would strike me seemed equally horrible;
As well as how much I have thought about why my life was shot to hell the past couple of years yet I seem to be miraculously cured at my 48th birthday,
it is surprising it took me until this weekend to consider that something peculiar has happened.
.
Because some of my readers may still be looking for an explanation wtf hit them between 42 and 56 depending on your gender (I ll give you the correct ages later)
I have chosen to share this.
That really is the only reason, because “I” Lauren Harteveld, my pseudonym, is living in 1995 where I just turned 23, so this does conflict with my current art form/ performance.
And “I” Suzanne, who is the current-day-bound of the two, also tends to ignore everything about her biological age as well as the covid struck reality we’re currently living in, as much as possible.
.
So I had already decided against sharing my midlife insights,
because for my art I m 23 and in real life I don’t care about reality,
until I realized that if I can help even one person, feeling a tiny bit better than I did the past three years-
it was plenty of reason to start sharing.
.
So let’s start sharing.
.
In general the midlife crisis of men in their early 50s, and the going through the menses of women late 40s are phenomenons very well documented.
Usually as pretty painful, but also always temporary.
One day you wake up and your physical ailments, as it usually express itself in women, or your existential crisis as it presents itself in men, is gone.
.
But yoga offers a little bit broader perspective on things, dating this female time of deep crisis (worst case scenario) or of starting anew (optimistic outcome) from her 42nd to her 48th;
And with men the male midlife crisis which is the same time of deep crisis or starting with a new woman or a new family- between his 49th birthday and his 56th.
So the women and men are on different cycles, first of all time wise with the women snapping out of it a year before the men are even started, but men and women also differ in how it expresses itself.
.
This model of the midlife crisis is related to the 7 chakras, and you move up bottom to top.
So you start at birth in the rudimentary root chakra, and at age 6 (girls) or age 7 (boys) you move up to the second chakra.
From 36 to 42 the woman goes through her most spiritual enlightened chakra (7), only to be cast back to the hell of the first chakra age 42.
She will leave:
– men
– children
– jobs
– careers
Behind only to go on a quest for Je Ne Sais Quoi in infinite forms, usually ending up disappointed.
Or she’ll find a new man, start a new family, or have a child.
So option one is she’ll basically lose 6 years, option B is she’ll start again and option C is the worst of all, which is she’ll get sick and lose the 6 years getting better. Or worse.
.
I think I must have blocked the very thought of what would happen after my 42nd birthday, because I can remember dreading it when I was younger;
Yet cannot remember ever reflecting on the entire thing when my life had it’s own funny roller coaster way of falling apart and coming apart at the seams.
A time when a little perspective would have been useful information.
.
So anyway- looking back, I can say, yes –
time wise I was female.
From 42-48 I did go through the 1st chakra period of having the female version of a midlife crisis in the sense that I lost everything.
And yet!
I didn’t go on a quest to look for myself in India.
I basically abandoned yoga those years, even though I was a yoga teacher.
I certainly did not become pregnant, and being someone’s secret lover can in no way qualify as starting a new family.
.
And then this weekend I saw it!
Aha!
So three guesses for whom the most likely scenario going through a midlife crisis is having secretive, exciting, sexual affairs?
Who does not go to India finding themselves?
Who starts getting totally repulsed by the idea of boring long term relationships full of commitments?
Men!
.
If I view my midlife years, the 1st chakra years of yoga which for a woman are 42-48 and for a man 49-56;
If I view how horrible I felt, and that the only thing that was able to bring me joy (really bring me joy) was an affair that revolved around the bestest time ever and doing all the things in all the ways-
I spent my midlife years in a perfectly normal way!
.
I once took a test and my brain scored 97% on being male.
You can take it here, in case you’re interested:
.
So even though this insight is not going to make those years less painful, or make the “God damn I lost at least three years” (in my case) feeling of hopelessness any less;
Knowing I got to have a secret affair instead of going to India, getting pregnant or falling ill;
I got a STUNNING deal and I should never ever, speak badly of it ever again!
———-

Chapter 11 of Demons and Daemons,
will be shared soon,
in a new episode of The Book Club

Subscribe to the blog or follow social media:
Facebook page LS Harteveld
Twitter: https://twitter.com/LSHarteveld

About The Book Club

In The Book Club you can find:
– a post
– and one Chapter of my novella Demons and Daemons.

These Book Club posts will form a new book, “A Map Into Unknown”
Covering a journey of three weeks into darkness (Demons and Daemons)
and the rest of 2020, finding my way back to the light!

.

Books LS Harteveld/ Lauren

Lauren’s books are available at LULU
New books will also be added to Lulu, as sites are being curated.


Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/

The Sex Room That Can’t Come To 1995 | The Book Club final week

On Saturday November 7, I wrote the turning point blogpost in a series that has covered five months of 2020;
A Chance To Purge All That Once Was | The Book Club final week
And this is one of those final 7 posts, to purge all that once was.

One of the first things that became clear to me, when I let this idea of cleansing, dropping but most of all transmuting everything that had to do with my former lover, take shape, was that I wanted to go beyond just your regular “getting over” or “making over”.
Instead of becoming a renewed and reinvented current day me, I was going to dial it up a notch and integrate these 7 days into a project which I started in 2019;
About living in 1994-1995 and beyond.

I was reshaping my own history, of 25 years ago.

So according to this project, I m now living in November 1995.

You can find these diaries, that project, in the tabs of this website.

So this week of getting over a relationship that ended, was relocated from 2020 to the way younger me in 1995.
Where Lauren’s relationship to Bear, had ended in 1994.
And she had caught herself holding on to his memory, and to the possibility of picking it up.
Even after a rendez vous in a hotel had turned sour, where she just couldn’t be “the other woman”, she was unconsciously keeping the door open.
She knew she had to let go.

And in many aspects my 2020 life could be transferred to 1995 perfectly.
Instead of going back to 2014, the year before I met my lover, I was going back to 1989; When a 17 year old Lauren had taken matters in her own hand, and had started an affair with a boy she called Bear.

And current day wishes to get on track physically, could also be translated to 1995. Lauren95 had put on weight after her first year on a desk job. 

Her desire to move past Bear, who was now living with his girlfriend, making her a mistress and how she didn’t want that?
All direct translations of my current day situation where after more than 5 years our affair ended, and I am coming to terms with realizing I will never have it in me again to be “that” other woman.

But there was one thing, one aspect, that I encountered and thought:
“OMG that is so cool!”
Only to then realize: “Dang. I can’t take this with me.”
Because Lauren 95 is not going to have this memory. Not this association.
I’ll have to leave it in 2020, and can’t bring it with me to my 1995 performance project, to Lauren95 and her lover the young man Bear.
And that was a sex room.

It was a fantasy that could not be tied to a couple in their early 20’s that had spent their encounters in student dorms and student houses.

“The sex room” was reserved for a couple where at least one of the two had a condo that was so big, there had been an entire, barely used, extra room tied to the kitchen.
It was a room that was so scarcely used, if you wanted to turn this into an adult play room, you would only have to move the vacuum cleaner, take out a drying rack and give it a little paint.
That’s how surplus it was.

My lover, whose entire penthouse had basically become one big surplus after he married, had such a room.
And on more than one occasion, I fantasized out loud that we could make that a room entirely dedicated to our sex play.
And I was really specific about what I wanted, and like always, he merrily joined along with suggestions.

That fantasy room, in his apartment, something which will never happen because we broke up and in Covid struck 2020 I just can’t make myself be a secret mistress again;
That room is a symbol of my sexuality.

Full of potential yet heavily underused.

And yesterday, I was studying my dream apartment and realized this condo, had a large, unmarked, room, next to the kitchen.
The exact same sex room I had always envisioned us having.

But the fictional Lauren, who I was becoming, and whose new life I was creating?
Lauren95 who was getting over her lover Bear, after he had broken up with her in December 94?

She would have no memory of her lover Bear and herself, fantasizing about a spare room.

I was on a junction;
Either I was going to get over my current day lover, and this room in my dream house stood for a chance to take ownership over that part of my sexuality.
Because the room was no longer his, no longer ours; It would be MINE.

Or, I could go along with the fantasy, art-project and performance, of shaping myself into Lauren95, an ambitious and soon very successful 23 year old who was leaving her student life and the young man Bear, behind.

She was envisioning a new house for herself, which according to this map, had a door in the kitchen, leading to an extra space.
Entirely neutral.

And I chose that.

The sex room, an extra room that I discovered on the map of a dream house where I want to live, was the first thing that I “cleared”, in these seven days where I get over my relationship with my lover.

It was the first thing, I could let go.
Easily.
Because Lauren95 never had it, so she never lost it either. 

.

~Laurenn
An unexamined life is not worth living

.

the Book Club: Demons and Daemons

You just read part 1, my column.

Today’s chapter below, from Demons and Daemons, is…. heavy ass stuff. A chapter that belongs in the category: “What AM I going to do with you?”
But a little while ago I actually came up with a creative solution.
I was going to create a book and call it:
– insert a catchy story or book title that promises something juicy-
and then the subtitle:
“And all the other times I wanted to stop writing and wrote quite a good blogpost about this extremely boring topic”
And then t
his chapter would be in it!
lol

This is what I wrote:
.

Chapter 9, Untitled Notes from Lauren #8

“A New Journey Begins”


day 13, Saturday July 25

in the movie Basic Instinct Sharon Stone plays a writer, Catherine Tramell

“After God’s Omen of having my text disappear into thin air on the day of the lord,
one is of course aware that signs are being sent and caution is called for!”
.
It is exactly one week ago that I posted an Untitled Notes from Lauren here on Facebook.
I did write one more, on Sunday, but that one was eaten by Facebook editor AND it was also eaten by the copy paster, which had only copied 4 sentences instead of the thousand or so words.
.
Because these Facebook notes – also known as the feast called “illegal blogging” where I feel less pressure because it’s not posted to a blog (sometimes I harvest them later, and blog them together) – do have a habit of becoming lengthy.
Usually the length a normal blogger would publish to the blog without hesitation, but I still prefer them here.
Illegally.
.
So what happened?
Well after God’s Omen of having my text disappear into thin air on the day of the lord, one is of course aware that signs are being sent and caution is called for!
.
And indeed, despite holding up day-by-day reasonably well, and even writing both as Lauren and under my real name (Suzanne) that things were going really good;
This was all a matter of perspective.
Good lighting so to speak.
The way a photographer chooses to portray his model in a certain way.
.
In the same way I too, always tend to focus on the positive and not dramatize things.
But there was some stuff happening behind the scenes that showed me (as many posts confess a conclusion I ve drawn about six times in the last 2,5 years)
that the time has come to stop ->online<- writing as LS Harteveld.
.
So I did.
.
And because it came together with the realization – not to say disillusion – that my 14 year long journey in search of the right relationship style and my sexual preferences, had come to an end, it was a bit of a two puncher.
.
First coming to a conclusion that LS Harteveld had to stop writing online.
(a conclusion which had been drawn before)
And that my 14 year journey had come to an end.
(something never thought before)
.
In 2006 I broke up with my partner after 14 years, and went in search of what I did want – hoping to find an explanation why I wasn’t satisfied in a healthy and fun relationship we were having.
That question is answered.
.
But because it involved things like “secrecy” “forbidden fruit” “double identities” yada yada –
Oh!
Almost forgot the most important one.
It also involves:
“Men with whom you have fantastic sex still not choosing for you”
So that was a bummer when you find out you’re still losing the best guys the same way you did as a teen-
but I m already way too elaborate.
So anyway!
Back to why the result of the 14 year long journey was that the blog, the honesty, the entire sex thing on paper – had to go,
was because if I have a chance of a normal relationship – a guy choosing me for once – and the great sex becomes a great relationship, just like it did 28 years ago;
In that case The Lady cannot have a blog.
.
And not just because HE would not accept it if he is known as my partner and I write about how I finally get it in all the ways, and all the days, and how I m now finally in sexual nirvana;
No.
I would not want that.
I don’t want to blog about going steady.
.
I would get totally freaked out if the man I seeing intimately and we’re together day after day, if I would at the same time be writing about him.
.
Writing here – online as LS Harteveld – was a journey of self-discovery.
But it will prevent relationships to grow, maybe it already has.
They might never go beyond the secret-lover status, and if they do, then I am the one who doesn’t want to blog anymore.
If I knew beforehand I would never ever get into something serious, I could keep it up.
But that’s not the case.
.
So that was the reason I knew, and know, that I will no longer be writing online as LS Harteveld.
I will continue my 1994 series, but that will be an offline endeavor, so my pen doesn’t really shape the reality
I could postpone 5 years before I publish.
Who knows, maybe I don’t even feel like writing that anymore…
there is no way to tell.
.
So the writing part died out because of that.
But I had also picked up curating/ publishing all the material, and that also got a slap in the face last week.
There were a couple of men or situations/possibilities that completely bottomed out, and I felt so empty handed.
The thought of going through that work, even if I “feel like” Suzanne the editor and not like Lauren the woman or girl who wanted to be with those men –
it was very raw and I could not see myself editing.
.
Still can’t.
.
But the difference with last week, is that I ve so made my peace with everything.
It was a beautiful journey, searching for your sexuality for 14 years straight.
And I found it, I know now what it is that I like and why a long term relationship with someone who is faithful to me, is not going to work.
I want a long term relationship with someone very supportive of me, including when i would want sexual adventures with others.
But most of all I need him to keep things exciting, for us both basically.
He needs to be open and exploratory with other women.
.
But the relationship I seek does not need seeking.
The man I seek doesn’t either.
Anything I do to “get there”; it all feels so off.
After 14 years, I m done doing anything for my love life
I m done!
It’s okay to be alone, I m not going to spend another minute of my life “trying”.
Enough is enough.
.
This morning I woke up knowing that YES, I am “over” the scare and sorrow of having to go through everything I wrote the past 14 years, that has not been published yet.
I will do it.
I will curate it, edit it, publish it.
I, Suzanne, will take care of this legacy I built.
.
And there is something else; The name thing.
Signing just as Suzanne doesn’t feel good.
“Lauren” has become a part of me.
So much, that I have actually considered adding “Lauren” to my name, on all my other accounts as well.
I won’t, but I will here!
.
So I am Suzanne/Lauren, the editor of Lauren Harteveld, a fictional writer who wrote about sex, relationships, movies, pop culture, from 2006 until the summer of 2020.
.
And maybe we can see that as our new journey.
You and me.
Together.
.
Maybe we were the ones that were supposed to find each other.
And ride off into the sunset.

———-

Chapter 10 of Demons and Daemons,
will be shared soon,
in a new episode of The Book Club

Subscribe to the blog or follow social media:
Facebook page LS Harteveld
Twitter: https://twitter.com/LSHarteveld

About The Book Club

In The Book Club you can find:
– a post
– and one Chapter of my novella Demons and Daemons.

These Book Club posts will form a new book, “A Map Into Unknown”
Covering a journey of three weeks into darkness (Demons and Daemons)
and the rest of 2020, finding my way back to the light!

.

Books LS Harteveld/ Lauren

Lauren’s books are available at LULU
New books will also be added to Lulu, as sites are being curated.


Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/

A Chance To Purge All That Once Was | The Book Club final week

I have not touched this project for the longest time.
Two months?
Three?
And there were times when my vision for what I wanted for this blog, and for my writing under the name LS Harteveld/Lauren, was so strong and clear that it seemed unlikely that I would pick this series up.
That cancelling The Book Club – where I write a new introductory chapter and then share one chapter from my novella Daemons and Demons – 
was the only logical, and likely thing to happen.
I would “tear apart” (meaning cherry pick chapters I like, and publish them as stories) the novel Daemons and Demons, and I still might! 
But I would no longer invest in finishing this Book Club series.

Broad strokes, my November/December vision for this site and my books is very simple: I m harvesting this site, creating books.
Based on topic, not on series or original diary sequence.

For example, the book Daemons and Demons ends with a chapter on Catherine Tramell of Basic Instinct.
That chapter will end up in my book “C.” which will only contain posts about Basic Instinct and Catherine Tramell.
And chronological, diary-like posts, like this one, and in particular with the layering of folding two diaries into one –Daemons and Demons, into The Book Club, and then publishing it as A Map Into Unknown – man!
Way too complicated! 

And a very odd thing to have in my collection. Or to get ready to print.

So the reason I have picked up this series is not because I am still as convinced as I used to be, that Daemons and Demons, folded into The Book Club (and published together as A Map Into Unknown) is an absolute must for me to publish, and that I should therefor just muscle through finishing it.
That I had dropped it was enough proof for me, that it was NOT meant to be.
So this is not an attempt to breathe life into it, out of some scarcity mindset of not wanting all that writing being wasted or anything.

But something happened today, that immediately made me think of this series, and I thought:
“Wait a minute! Wasn’t that series…. the one with that book club and that other book inside of it….. the one that I dropped a couple of months ago, and that still had all these chapters open….. let me see…. wasn’t that like 7 or 8 chapters or something?”
And I pulled out a folder I had also not touched in weeks or months, found the handwritten overview of chapters and how it all fit together and;
Bingo!
This series has indeed eight chapters left.
Offering the perfect framework for a very sexy proposal I was made today;
To masturbate every day for the upcoming week.

The invitation, from a new and anonymous man whom I call The Saint, was actually a lot more detailed and thought through.
It had more variation, layers, play.
This reminds me of a story about an escort I adore, her name is Avery Moore and early 2014 she became famous for publishing her time schedule/ where she spent her time on in 2013, which had been very prolific.
During Covid she offered packages to her clients that contained assignments, power play, erotic stories and so on.
The Saint’s assignment, which I am comfortably rounding off to “masturbate for one week” to protect what we have together, had actually come as a thought through and refined assignment, with teasing, thoughtful details, as if it was a professional bundle I could have purchased as an alternative to a sexual service.
But it was seven days, that part was easy.
And starting tomorrow.
Together with writing this blog on the eve of the start of this challenge, makes it eight.

The number of chapters of Daemons and Demons still to be shared in this series?
Eight.

And still, I had not immediately full-on decided I was going to do this. But I was definitely toying with the thought. What is better than a sex challenge with a stranger?
A sex challenge with a stranger you can write about!
Toying. Just toying with the thought.

But when in my very first email to him, the one where I shared my initial thoughts on his challenge, already brought out painful memories about my lover with whom I had been for five years and I had tears streaming down my face, I knew that this was the real thing.

This was not just some sort of sexy, chatty, it meant nothing email correspondence.
This guy was touching me emotionally. Or maybe I let myself be moved on places that I had carefully been shielding ever since my relationship with my lover ended.
Maybe I was allowing myself to feel things, now that I had someone to write them to.

But now I had or have a different problem.
It brings out so much emotion; I can’t write about it.

Not directly.

The things I allow myself to feel when writing him, are not what I will write in this blog.

If I had been able to write about them publicly, I would have done so, and those things would have been processed somewhere in the past 11 months.
But they were not.
It is the things I could not, and cannot, write about, that he seems to give me access to.
And I know I need to do this… not just to get ahead in life, but also because I m curious of what’s behind that door of emotions that I ve kept locked.
What it will do to me to see eye to eye with these things.

So for the upcoming 7 days, I will not be sharing details about masturbation, or the assignment I got. It will not be about The Saint, and also not about the painful stuff that our correspondence pulls from the darkness into the light.

But I will be here. For 7 days, daily.
Just a line, a paragraph, maybe two.

And the final chapters of Daemons and Demons are long, in-depth stories. And I remember the last one, the one I told you about with Catherine Tramell, as being very upbeat and purposeful.
There is light at the end of the tunnel.

So what I’m saying is, because those chapters are long stand-alone stories, it will not matter that I m not my usual chatty self.
And my blog posts stay short.

What I ve liked about the three weeks I wrote Daemons and Demons, and The Book Club, and even the book title A Map Into Unknown under which I may still publish this diary after all, has that ring to it;
Is that it is always about the journey from the dark into the light.
Into the dark.
Into the light.
There is always both.

And it reminds me of something Florence Scovel Shinn says in one of her books.
I can’t remember the exact words but someone asks her something along the lines of:
“When will I see the light?”
And she answers:
“When you can see in the dark.”

.

~Lauren livin
An unexamined life is not worth living

.

the Book Club: Demons and Daemons

You just read part 1, my column.

Today’s “chapter” below, from Demons and Daemons, was about an entire chapter being eaten by the Universe.

This is what I wrote:
.

Chapter 8, Untitled Notes from Lauren #7


day 7, Sunday July 19

I spent an hour writing a post –
Only to have it eaten by Fb because the Gif was too short to upload.

I even copied it because I knew that could happen!
But the copy FAILED!
Just 5 words instead of a thousand..

The post was about Faith.
So I have FAITH this was meant to be.
.
~Lauren
.

Chapter 9 of Demons and Daemons,
will be shared soon,
in a new episode of The Book Club

Subscribe to the blog or follow social media:
Facebook page LS Harteveld
Twitter: https://twitter.com/LSHarteveld

About The Book Club

In The Book Club you can find:
– a post
– and one Chapter of my novella Demons and Daemons.

These Book Club posts will form a new book, “A Map Into Unknown”
Covering a journey of three weeks into darkness (Demons and Daemons)
and the rest of 2020, finding my way back to the light!

.

Books LS Harteveld/ Lauren

Lauren’s books are available at LULU
New books will also be added to Lulu, as sites are being curated.


Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/

About Me Saying No To Sex… | The Book Club day 16

I have to say, I expected it to feel different, when I decided not to have sex anymore for the upcoming year, or until we can relax about Covid.
Whichever one comes first.
Some sort of relief.
Peace of mind.
Or maybe an offer to come talk at Christian schools to talk them into saving themselves for marriage.
Could go anywhere really, now that I ve come to terms with what social distancing rules really mean.
No sex for singles, that’s what they mean.
But no.
As a whole the last 24 hours have been unsatisfactory. So with that, not being satisfying, I guess they are symbolic for what the upcoming year will bring.
.
But I did discover something really cool!
I did mention it in yesterday’s post A Year Without Sex, but I did not specify it and I think I should;
My decision to no longer have sex didn’t have anything to do with me interpreting the rules as sex for singles being forbidden.
It was a decision because I could no longer have the type of sex that I, preferred.
.
Not necessarily in a bondage, S&M kind of way, or any of that.
Not even “group sex” or “polyamorous” or anything out of the ordinary as in what I do, and to whom;
No, what I meant was that there is a dynamic around sexuality that I not only prefer, but I would have a hard time going without.
And this is the moment of detachment.
.
After the love making the relationship, or affair, should always return to a default state where we are not lovers.
We can be friends, we can be acquaintances, we can be colleagues, we can be friends from college;
But we cannot be lovers.
We start from scratch every time.
It is as if our sex life never existed, in the sense that no claims can be made based upon it. Sex means you shared a super special moment, but it does not mean there can be any entitlement or skipping corners in order for it to happen again.
The courting starts all over.
From both sides. 

.
Now this is not a sexual preference that most people have, and I don’t know anybody who values it, let alone needs it, the way I do.
But, yes, I do.
Even a long-term relationship, or living together, would mean we commit to a long-term friendship; Sex would happen at a moment when we would feel aroused, but only then.
And we would be free, sexually, to explore other relationships and have other encounters. And I think that would be awesome because when you’d come home, you’d still be loved and taken care of.
I look forward to taking care of a man, a friend, that way, and yet;
No sexual claims can be made.
I am my own woman, and even if we’ve had sex a million times if there would be such a thing, that doesn’t mean that we owe it to one another or that I am more likely to have sex with you the million and one-th time than with someone else. 
.
So if sex is always a one time decision, a one time thing for me, after which the cycle of longing, hoping, courting, flirting begins all over again;
How does that measure up to the next two weeks being a time when if any of you get Covid complaints, or if he has visited venues that had Covid outbreaks, or I have other close friends or family testing positive?
It doesn’t measure up, it’s that simple. 
If you are like me, it means you
A. need the sexual encounter to be exciting
but
B. the relationship to immediately return to neutral, friendly and SAFE.
Covid does the exact opposite.
.
Covid supplies a sexual or relationship dynamic that is a complete mindfuck and a mirror image of what I want!
In Covid times, before kissing or touching, or more, all the tension is basically killed because you have to convince one another he or she will not get sick.
And afterwards, and I m paraphrasing from yesterday, you’re tied by a red string of fate for two weeks where if any of you get complaints or have family members who go in for testing, you’ll feel the need to give each other a headsup, that maybe things were not so safe after all.
Or that you’re calling from health services with a cotton stick up your nose and it does not look good.
.
I don’t know what I disliked most this Summer:
The strange totally not sexy dynamic surrounding kissing and making out.
The phobic nights when I knew I had put myself at risk of contracting something AND was putting my family and friends at risk for the upcoming days.

If I would get sick, I had actual contagion of my loved ones to worry about but also that anybody who had spent more than 15 minutes with me would be quarantined.
Phobic nights, I can’t blame myself.
.
Or, maybe I disliked most the eerie, uncomfortable connection in the weeks after our encounter.

They never ended in real sex, because I could feel myself not being in the moment and calculating the upcoming weeks before I had to make a decision if I wanted to have sex.
It was like I was setting my stopwatch.
I thought I was making myself get over my lover and creating a new love life from scratch, but all I was doing was putting myself and unlucky men in uncomfortable and stressful cycles of not-quite-being-lovers.
.

All I can say is: I tried.
I think not having sex because of Covid is a superbad idea, but I really need dynamics that are not in the cards for anybody right now.
I need the dynamic of our encounter to be exciting.
Not the lukewarm two weeks after it, where we may or may not get Covid and have our mutual social circles quarantined.

To me that was all new information.
When I wrote yesterday, I knew it was something specific to my sexual preferences that made it hard or as it appeared now impossible to have a love life.
If you date to get a normal relationship, Covid will not make a big difference. But I never dated for that.
I dated to sometimes have sex, sometimes not, but to always return to a nice solid, neutral baseline, where none of us knew if we’d ever have sex again.
Perhaps not even know if we’d even see each other again…

The relationship option is however my Escape.
In theory, I could fall in love and get a “boyfriend”.
Or let’s stick with really good friend with whom I may also have sex if we feel like courting and flirting.
And then the “cooling down period”, the weeks that are now that grey CovidyesCovidno vacuum of awkwardness, no longer exist.
The sensual cycle no longer has weeks or months of silence, where you’re in a courting stand off.
Where he proves he’s dominant, and that he will contact you when he’s ready.
And you prove you have faith he does as he pleases, and will never talk him out of being his own man.
.
I just realized that me “settling down” and going without that dynamic, is an extremely hypothetical situation.
That as much as I hate, or hated, the loneliness especially during the lock down months;
I loved being lovers and having an affair, more.
I may have decided against sex for the upcoming year.
But ultimately I am what I always was:
A lover, a mistress.
.
I will never be the safe choice.
.
.

Suzanne/ Lauren living.

.

new online series!!

The only benefit so far of not having a sex life is that I can now write freely for my Lauren 1995 project, which was originally going to be an offline endeavor.
https://laurenharteveld.com/1995-1996-book-2-of-my-performance-project/
.

the Book Club: Demons and Daemons

You just read part 1, my column.

Today’s chapter below, from Demons and Daemons, was about me going over good and evil and Jon Bon Jovi.

This is what I wrote:
.

Chapter 7, Untitled Notes from Lauren #6


day 6, Saturday July 18
.

.
I had an amazing day, but it was a bit much to take in.
So I m not exactly radiating my Saturday night away, but I can feel an incredibly important shift in my energy, and in me accepting myself just like Lucifer in the series on Netflix.
.
Today was so much about realizing;
“Okay, I m going to be smarter with my writing to make money;
I m going to be smarter with my writing to please an employer or at least not stand out like a sore thumb;
I m going to be smarter with my writing to not scare every man away because he ll know he get into my blog”
.
Okay, okay, okay.
I get it.
But really?
.
And then where Lauren Harteveld, real name Suzanne, where, my Love, is it going to end?
With you mousing your way through Plain Jane Life in a way God nor the Devil ever wanted for you?
That’s the plan, uhm?
.
Today, I, under all my names, and I like to think with the support of every celestial being appointed with the task of guarding my fate;
We all agreed that that was indeed, NOT the plan.
.
~Lauren
.
One of the things I want to start doing to keep myself breathing, is reread notes I made and that I don’t want to forget.
.
Today’s note is about the three core practices that are my creativity in its most rudimentary form.
The first one is play; silliness, fun.
The second is investigating. Like when I study Bon Jovi materials, or marketing. Or watch Lucifer or another series, especially the ones I have on dvd.
The third practice is alignment or mysticism.
What is aligned for me today?
.
An accompanying note is about the role of advisors in my life.
Some official, my coaches or teachers.
Some are very unofficial, like Jon Bon Jovi and the men I am in love with.
Although they do not coach me, nor teach me, I learn from them.
Sometimes I learn to back myself when they make choices I would not.
Sometimes I learn new things by following their lead or interest.
But with all advisors there is such an incredible sense of love, and gratitude.
.
Speaking of which, yesterday night I started a gratitude journal. Because I felt my heart and life were simply overflowing with it;
I wanted to capture it.
And today too, I ve written down all the wonderful things that happened today.
.
You know, maybe I am radiating my Saturday night away, after all.
.
~Lauren

 

Chapter 8 of Demons and Daemons,
will be shared soon,
in a new episode of The Book Club

Subscribe to the blog or follow social media:
Facebook page LS Harteveld
Twitter: https://twitter.com/LSHarteveld

About The Book Club

In The Book Club you can find:
– a post
– and one Chapter of my novella Demons and Daemons.

These Book Club posts will form a new book, “A Map Into Unknown”
Covering a journey of three weeks into darkness (Demons and Daemons)
and three weeks, finding my way back to the light.

.

Books LS Harteveld/ Lauren

Lauren’s books are available at LULU
New books will also be added to Lulu, as sites are being curated.


ABOUT ME

I am Suzanne, the real name of Lauren Harteveld,
Lauren/ LS Harteveld was my second identity under which I wrote about sex, relationships, pop culture, from 2006 to 2020.
Lauren is now in 1995, so she will write offline for us.
Her first year 1994-1995:
Originally Lauren was going to write offline in 1995, but since I don’t have a sex life anymore, there is no reason for such discretion. 

.
coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2020
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4.
Blote Kont- (Dutch)
5. ALL THE THINGS – unpublished work 2010 – 2020

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.
.
Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/

A Year Without Sex | The Book Club day 15

Madonna in the early 80s (prob. not famous yet). And since I no longer have a love life, I have all the time in the world to focus on becoming world famous too.
This feels like the most ridiculous blog post I have ever written.
But then again:
Maybe this is a master trick to get what I want.
Because everything I make myself do, everything I plan, every good resolution I make, sooner rather than later becomes the thing that does NOT get done.
I ve often joked:
“The best way to make sure I will never do something, is to make a resolution to do it daily.”
So a year without sex will probably work miracles.
.
This summer has been really hard for me.
I ve shared as little as I could, especially under my real name where I try to keep up appearances and share my light not my darkness.
But as soon as the Covid crisis hit, I knew I had a big problem on my hands with regard to my sex life.
.
My preferences are not compatible with having this extremely contagious virus being tracked and traced throughout the Dutch population.

If I so much as kiss someone, we are tied invisibly, by a red string of fate, for at least two weeks.
For two weeks, both of us but especially me, are going to hold our breaths if this physical contact is going to cost us a trip to health services to get tested, and informing everybody else about something that was private and between two people.
Or at least: informing them about the consequences it had.
.
Right from the start of the Covid crisis, I knew the only real risk I was going to contract that virus was through sex.
I m talking about contracting it from someone I d been intimate with.
This is an entire different level of stress from if friends and family would have tested test positive, in which case I will also be contacted by health services but I would not believe I would have actually contracted anything.
More that I would be gaslit into reporting my health status all the time and staying indoors, but not that I would have been (nor put anyone else) actually at risk. 

.
But back to the start of the Covid crisis when I had not thought it through in such detail;
Even though I knew sex would be basically the only time I was at risk, I also knew something else:

That I was going to have sex anyway.
And in exactly the same secretive, sexy way I wanted it.
I was not going to clean up my sex life, and become boyfriend and girlfriend. Although that TOO became appealing so that I didn’t have to have these lonely times ever again. 
.
But whether I would get a “real” relationship, or be someone’s lover or mistress;
.
In both cases there would have to be an understanding that temporary Covid related practicalities aside, the baseline would be that we were not going to freak out over having other partners. 
.
That it would always be an open relationship or affair where we supported each other in our goals and dreams, and if those included sexual adventures then we’d support those too.
AND we’d support each other through our phobic nights, as that turned out to be the biggest “payoff” of my adventurous summer.
I never thought back with warm afterglow feelings.
The feeling of stone cold death always there, as soon as we parted.
.
Yet just two months ago, I was still SO determined, not to let this abstinence thing happen.
And to not let having my entire 14-day social circle and all the establishments I visited, being round up if I tested positive, interfere with my social life, my sex life, and in moderate form not even interfere with my entertainment such as film and theater.

It’s just not an option! 
What is the alternative? 18 Months of only going for walks with people I already know, and with 1,5 meters between us?
.
I was really serious about not letting that happen. And although my sex life was dryer than the Sahara because I had lost my lover late last year;
I made that top priority, this summer.
I was not going to let Covid get to me.
But now?
Seven weeks, phobic nights, and my GP and a psychotherapist not returning my phone calls later?

Man, fuck all that you know.
.

A life without sex is definitely not something I fancy, but I ve got people to see, places to visit, and to top it all off a temp agency where I have not even officially registered yet, has contacted me if I wanted to work and my other employer (where I had to temporarily resign because my sex life was taking its toll) – that employer also contacted me today if I felt fit to work.

So when two health care providers do not return calls, two employers contact me at a time when no one can find work?

I don’t know how you interpret that, but to me, that’s a sign it’s a lot more healthy for me to just go out into the world and mingle on the work floor than it is to have sex.
And technically I didn’t even actually have sex this summer. I was just testing the waters.
But
it were the worst months of my life, and I m totally eating my words on it not being an option to not have sex until Covid dies out.
Not having ANY physical contact for as long as nessecary, better become an option very frickin soon because I m never going to stay home, drop out of work, limit myself or cancel appointments, one day in my life ever ever again. 
.
No sex it is.
.
.

Suzanne/ Lauren living.

new online series!!

The only benefit so far of not having a sex life is that I can now write freely for my Lauren 1995 project, which was originally going to be an offline endeavor.
https://laurenharteveld.com/1995-1996-book-2-of-my-performance-project/
.

the Book Club: Demons and Daemons

You just read part 1, my column.

Today’s chapter below, from Demons and Daemons, was at a time when I had only just decided I would keep all my content online.

This is what I wrote:
.

Chapter 6, Untitled Notes from Lauren #5


day 5, Friday July 17
.

Today was okay-ish!
Which definitely means it was a hundred percent better than yesterday.
And my books have arrived, and after the Lulu software update, my books are still good to go!
The copies are as they always were:
.
With regard to my plans to basically wipe out my entire existence from the internets, in favor of publishing more books and feeling stronger when I get a job;
I ve decided to not delete my English content, in order to feel “safe” in the real world.
Dutch content though?
No verdict yet.
Not just because I m changing my life to creating space for a normal job, and Dutch content is indeed more readily digestible, it speaks to people.
No… that isn’t it.
You know, I d be pretty stupid if I would delete content that speaks to people.
No the reason I m considering deleting the Dutch content is because it’s not 100% me…. there is a layer of downplaying and false self-deprecating going on there that seems almost inborn to the language itself.
.
If I go out into the world I want to fully back myself.
Modesty, normality, hell even accessibility and relatability?
Not my forte.
Not my brand.
Not me.
.
I m seriously still considering deleting the Dutch content but with regard to the English content I m more prone towards a serious clean-up, archiving the blog posts if you will;
Keeping them online in a low maintenance text-only version, and making clear references to programs I m no longer selling, a YouTube channel I no longer have and so on –
is just part of its authenticity.
It’s part of the story.
.
I m thinking about it…
But I feel a lot lighter and happier than I have all week.
.
One of the things I want to start doing to keep myself breathing, is reread notes I made and that I don’t want to forget.
.
Today’s one is:
A Daimon or a Daemon is a spirit being that creates your art with you and through you.
It has been described in literature dating from the ancient Greeks.
And I keep wondering what mine looks like.
I THINK he looks like Lucifer from the series.
But I KNOW how he works!
.
Because my Daemon seduces me very, very skillfully.
He says: “Oh just one little blog post. Humor me.”
And he taps the bed next to him.
.
And then five hours later we have a 5000 word story, my hair is all messed up, I ve missed all my appointments, and when I look at him as in:
“But you said we were just…”
He shrugs, barely caring at all!
“Oh well….” he says, as he lights up his cigarette.
.
And we both know I ll say yes the next time he asks.
.
That’s my Daemon.
.
~Lauren.

 

Chapter 7 of Demons and Daemons,
will be shared soon,
in a new episode of The Book Club

Subscribe to the blog or follow social media:
Facebook page LS Harteveld
Twitter: https://twitter.com/LSHarteveld

About The Book Club

In The Book Club you can find:
– a post
– and one Chapter of my novella Demons and Daemons.

These Book Club posts will form a new book, “A Map Into Unknown”
Covering a journey of three weeks into darkness (Demons and Daemons)
and three weeks, finding my way back to the light.

.

Books LS Harteveld/ Lauren

Lauren’s books are available at LULU
New books will also be added to Lulu, as sites are being curated.


ABOUT ME

I am Suzanne, the real name of Lauren Harteveld,
Lauren/ LS Harteveld was my second identity under which I wrote about sex, relationships, pop culture, from 2006 to 2020.
Lauren is now in 1995, so she will write offline for us.
Her first year 1994-1995:
Originally Lauren was going to write offline in 1995, but since I don’t have a sex life anymore, there is no reason for such discretion. 

.
coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2020
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4.
Blote Kont- (Dutch)
5. ALL THE THINGS – unpublished work 2010 – 2020

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.
.
Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/

And So It Begins | The Book Club day 14

Oh my oh my!
We have so much to talk about.
I m going to keep it very brief today, but will tell more in the remaining episodes of The Book Club;
An initiative which was supposed to run for three weeks, exactly like the book it covers, my Facebook novella Demons and Daemons.
In these three weeks, I wrote 15 days and therefor this journey of The Book Club was supposed to be 15 posts, written in three weeks as well.

But due to my long break that will no longer happen.
Fifteen posts, yes.
Three weeks, no.
I ve missed too many days, and I also don’t want to rush things anymore.

During my initially involuntary and then totally embraced absence from writing (more about that later) I learned to appreciate not writing.
I did so many things, I would never have done if I had written.

Cleaned my kitchen balcony, which had always been a no go area for the cats.
It was so dirty from pigeon poo I was afraid they’d come back with the black plague and exotic parasites if I left them on there.
Now it’s totally clean.

It’s like the balcony belongs to other people!
I do have another balcony, so they were used to being outdoors, just not on the small interesting balcony that had bathing pigeons on the other side of the fence. 
Much better balcony, obviously.

So I cleaned that, for the first time since April 2019.

And I reorganized cupboards, drawers, book shelves and my mind started to expand on the 1995 project.
So before I elaborate on that, first WHY was I offline?

Well, there was a 9 day heatwave.
And although I muscled through at first, I got so sick with the heat, having a constant headache, that I stopped and lowered my expectations of productivity from “creating content and daily messaging on all my accounts”, to “staying alive”.
This was very helpful.

And after the heatwave I took a few extra days, to savor the peace and quiet.
And to wait until I really knew what I wanted. Not just with regard to blogging, but everything. 

I ve always boasted that if could also NOT write? I would stop writing.
If I no longer had the uncontrollable urge to write, oh man, I would be out of here.

So if you’ve claimed that for probably close to a decade, and you’re then forced by the heatwave to step down from your writing stool, and end up loving it?
You ve got to wait until you’ve got words coming out of your ears, before you can pick up doing that time consuming, “life devouring”, hobby or purpose called writing.
Because writing is to me what drinking is to others;
I can’t do it like a gentleman.

So today I got up an watched a movie that will be the first to review for my Dutch blog. Haven’t written there in half a year.
If you’re Dutch, subscribe to that movie blog here.

Next to picking up writing in Dutch, I m going to hold the course with regard to my work here.
On my time off I ve considered revoking every decision and project I started here the last couple of months, but No!
They’re all exactly as they should be.

Maybe that explained why I woke up this morning with an insanely wide grin on my face, excited to begin again!
And so many stories to tell.

Over the next week or so, things will get more clear, but the management summary is:
I will continue blogging as Suzanne (my real name)/ Lauren (the penname I had from 2006-2020)
So things are signed:
Suzanne/Lauren
 
My pseudonym/ me, Lauren Harteveld/ LS Harteveld has left for 1995, and does not live in this age anymore.
She’ll write offline diaries, as a 23 year old, and publish them directly into books.
I do not expect to return in 2020 or beyond as Lauren, sec.
She has made her choice.
And being a middle-aged woman in a Covid struck era, isn’t it.
Who could blame her.
So I ve taken the liberty of taking 25 years off my age, and am creating an experience, a performance, of living in the past.
Writing is done as part of it, but is it not the main goal of this project.
The main goal is the experience itself.
The first book by Lauren in 1994-1995 is available online,
and the others will be written offline.
.
So what I will continue to do here, is communicate as Suzanne/Lauren;
The person who does not mind living in this era at all! 
And who is okay with playing the part of the publisher, the curator, and the narrator.
After this Book Club series, I will be more explicit about that.
But there is just so much to share, about what happens when you try to transfer your life to 25 years back! 

It’s so much fun! 
So I will be online a lot, and writing a lot, and this 10 day holiday has got me all excited about coming back to work.
.
Five weeks ago I started writing little posts on Facebook, which would ultimately become Demons and Daemons, a Facebook novella.
Two weeks ago I started a “second layering” to that book;
In these posts, the ones you’re reading right now, I am sharing all chapters of Demons and Daemons individually, but with a new introduction.
.
These two projects together, the three weeks of Demons and Daemons and The Book Club, will become a book.
A Map Into Unknown.
.
I’ve called Demons and Daemons: A journey into darkness.
I ve called The Book Club; The three week journey into the light.
And together they form The Map Into Unknown.
.
But although Demons and Daemons had a satisfying ending, as will The Book Club, and although everything about this weaved together project of two books, in two different timelines, will fit together just perfectly;
Time away from the computer has taught me one thing above all.
.
That the journey has only just begun.
.
.

Suzanne/ Lauren living.

You just read part 1, my column.
Today’s chapter from
Demons and Daemons, was at a time when I both thought I would pursue a normal career (which I m no longer doing – all ass sitting hours are mine and mine alone) and I was also convinced I had to empty my blogs and remove all content in order to fit in and make this happen.

At what must have been one of the darkest days of my life,
this is what I wrote:
.

Chapter 5, Untitled Notes from Lauren #4


day 4, Thursday July 16, 9 P.M.

.I think today was payday for having an extraordinary good day yesterday..

A part of me is still optimistic:
Cleaning out my websites and publishing all my work – both in one rough version with all the things as well as creating separate books with complete stories – is a good thing.

A fresh start.
After September 1st I will be a proper author:
My real work will be offline – and published straight to paper, not posted to a blog.
.
Everybody who meets me in my new fresh career as grey mouse nobody, will know I am a writer.
Perhaps even know my pen name – but it’s OKAY!
20 books out, that’s respectable capital R.
.
Yeah, yeah: Such a good choice to clear out the blogs and have that sensitive content no longer available to “the public” meaning people I meet in real life I have no control over.
.
So smart.
.
Oh, and the other part of me doesn’t know the difference between preparing for a job in the normal world and removing sensitive content on one hand;
And getting your affairs in order because you’re dying and you have to leave all that you value behind.
.
Doesn’t know the difference between not blogging as LS Harteveld, and death.
.
.
One of the things I want to start doing to keep myself breathing, is reread notes I made and that I don’t want to forget.
.
Today’s one is:
That the reason I feel so angry towards a fictional employer, imaginary colleagues and anger towards myself because I have not been able, nor prioritized, making money from my writing –
is because I’m angry at “them” for taking my soul.
.
But not nearly as angry as I am with myself for willingly killing myself off before going in.
.
But judging from how poorly I m currently doing at the idea of (involuntarily) cleaning out my blog –
I didn’t need to write that down, nor have I forgotten.
.
I know.
.
And in the words of Kylo Ren:
“I know what I have to do. I just don’t know if I have the strength to do it.”
.
He made the wrong choice by the way, after that –
Let me commit to making tomorrow a better day.
.
And making the right choice.
.
~Lauren

 

Chapter 6 of Demons and Daemons,
will be shared soon,
in a new episode of The Book Club

Subscribe to the blog or follow social media:
Facebook page LS Harteveld
Twitter: https://twitter.com/LSHarteveld

About The Book Club

In The Book Club you can find:
– a post
– and one Chapter of my novella Demons and Daemons.

These Book Club posts will form a new book, “A Map Into Unknown”
Covering a journey of three weeks into darkness (Demons and Daemons)
and three weeks, finding my way back to the light.

.

Books LS Harteveld/ Lauren

Lauren’s books are available at LULU
New books will also be added to Lulu, as sites are being curated.


ABOUT ME

I am Suzanne, the real name of Lauren Harteveld,
Lauren/ LS Harteveld was my second identity under which I wrote about sex, relationships, pop culture, from 2006 to 2020.
Lauren is now in 1995, so she will write offline for us.
Her first year 1994-1995 is available online:

.
coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2020
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4.
Blote Kont- (Dutch)
5. ALL THE THINGS – unpublished work 2010 – 2020

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.
.
Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/