But then again:
Maybe this is a master trick to get what I want.
Because everything I make myself do, everything I plan, every good resolution I make, sooner rather than later becomes the thing that does NOT get done.
“The best way to make sure I will never do something, is to make a resolution to do it daily.”
I ve shared as little as I could, especially under my real name where I try to keep up appearances and share my light not my darkness.
But as soon as the Covid crisis hit, I knew I had a big problem on my hands with regard to my sex life.
My preferences are not compatible with having this extremely contagious virus being tracked and traced throughout the Dutch population.
If I so much as kiss someone, we are tied invisibly, by a red string of fate, for at least two weeks.
For two weeks, both of us but especially me, are going to hold our breaths if this physical contact is going to cost us a trip to health services to get tested, and informing everybody else about something that was private and between two people.
Or at least: informing them about the consequences it had.
I m talking about contracting it from someone I d been intimate with.
This is an entire different level of stress from if friends and family would have tested test positive, in which case I will also be contacted by health services but I would not believe I would have actually contracted anything.
More that I would be gaslit into reporting my health status all the time and staying indoors, but not that I would have been (nor put anyone else) actually at risk.
But back to the start of the Covid crisis when I had not thought it through in such detail;
Even though I knew sex would be basically the only time I was at risk, I also knew something else:
That I was going to have sex anyway.
And in exactly the same secretive, sexy way I wanted it.
But whether I would get a “real” relationship, or be someone’s lover or mistress;.
In both cases there would have to be an understanding that temporary Covid related practicalities aside, the baseline would be that we were not going to freak out over having other partners.
I never thought back with warm afterglow feelings.
The feeling of stone cold death always there, as soon as we parted.
And to not let having my entire 14-day social circle and all the establishments I visited, being round up if I tested positive, interfere with my social life, my sex life, and in moderate form not even interfere with my entertainment such as film and theater.
It’s just not an option!
What is the alternative? 18 Months of only going for walks with people I already know, and with 1,5 meters between us?
I made that top priority, this summer.
I was not going to let Covid get to me.
Seven weeks, phobic nights, and my GP and a psychotherapist not returning my phone calls later?
Man, fuck all that you know.
A life without sex is definitely not something I fancy, but I ve got people to see, places to visit, and to top it all off a temp agency where I have not even officially registered yet, has contacted me if I wanted to work and my other employer (where I had to temporarily resign because my sex life was taking its toll) – that employer also contacted me today if I felt fit to work.
So when two health care providers do not return calls, two employers contact me at a time when no one can find work?
But it were the worst months of my life, and I m totally eating my words on it not being an option to not have sex until Covid dies out.
Suzanne/ Lauren living.
new online series!!
The only benefit so far of not having a sex life is that I can now write freely for my Lauren 1995 project, which was originally going to be an offline endeavor.
the Book Club: Demons and Daemons
You just read part 1, my column.
Today’s chapter below, from Demons and Daemons, was at a time when I had only just decided I would keep all my content online.
This is what I wrote:
Chapter 6, Untitled Notes from Lauren #5
day 5, Friday July 17.
Chapter 7 of Demons and Daemons,
will be shared soon,
in a new episode of The Book Club
About The Book Club
In The Book Club you can find:
– a post
– and one Chapter of my novella Demons and Daemons.
These Book Club posts will form a new book, “A Map Into Unknown”
Covering a journey of three weeks into darkness (Demons and Daemons)
and three weeks, finding my way back to the light.
Books LS Harteveld/ Lauren
Lauren’s books are available at LULU
New books will also be added to Lulu, as sites are being curated.
coming soon: new books
1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2020
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- (Dutch)
5. ALL THE THINGS – unpublished work 2010 – 2020
The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.