This feels like the most ridiculous blog post I have ever written.
But then again:
Maybe this is a master trick to get what I want.
Because everything I make myself do, everything I plan, every good resolution I make, sooner rather than later becomes the thing that does NOT get done.
But then again:
Maybe this is a master trick to get what I want.
Because everything I make myself do, everything I plan, every good resolution I make, sooner rather than later becomes the thing that does NOT get done.
I ve often joked:
“The best way to make sure I will never do something, is to make a resolution to do it daily.”
“The best way to make sure I will never do something, is to make a resolution to do it daily.”
So a year without sex will probably work miracles.
.
This summer has been really hard for me.
I ve shared as little as I could, especially under my real name where I try to keep up appearances and share my light not my darkness.
But as soon as the Covid crisis hit, I knew I had a big problem on my hands with regard to my sex life.
I ve shared as little as I could, especially under my real name where I try to keep up appearances and share my light not my darkness.
But as soon as the Covid crisis hit, I knew I had a big problem on my hands with regard to my sex life.
.
My preferences are not compatible with having this extremely contagious virus being tracked and traced throughout the Dutch population.
If I so much as kiss someone, we are tied invisibly, by a red string of fate, for at least two weeks.
For two weeks, both of us but especially me, are going to hold our breaths if this physical contact is going to cost us a trip to health services to get tested, and informing everybody else about something that was private and between two people.
Or at least: informing them about the consequences it had.
My preferences are not compatible with having this extremely contagious virus being tracked and traced throughout the Dutch population.
If I so much as kiss someone, we are tied invisibly, by a red string of fate, for at least two weeks.
For two weeks, both of us but especially me, are going to hold our breaths if this physical contact is going to cost us a trip to health services to get tested, and informing everybody else about something that was private and between two people.
Or at least: informing them about the consequences it had.
.
Right from the start of the Covid crisis, I knew the only real risk I was going to contract that virus was through sex.
I m talking about contracting it from someone I d been intimate with.
This is an entire different level of stress from if friends and family would have tested test positive, in which case I will also be contacted by health services but I would not believe I would have actually contracted anything.
More that I would be gaslit into reporting my health status all the time and staying indoors, but not that I would have been (nor put anyone else) actually at risk.
.
But back to the start of the Covid crisis when I had not thought it through in such detail;
Even though I knew sex would be basically the only time I was at risk, I also knew something else:
That I was going to have sex anyway.
And in exactly the same secretive, sexy way I wanted it.
I m talking about contracting it from someone I d been intimate with.
This is an entire different level of stress from if friends and family would have tested test positive, in which case I will also be contacted by health services but I would not believe I would have actually contracted anything.
More that I would be gaslit into reporting my health status all the time and staying indoors, but not that I would have been (nor put anyone else) actually at risk.
.
But back to the start of the Covid crisis when I had not thought it through in such detail;
Even though I knew sex would be basically the only time I was at risk, I also knew something else:
That I was going to have sex anyway.
And in exactly the same secretive, sexy way I wanted it.
I was not going to clean up my sex life, and become boyfriend and girlfriend. Although that TOO became appealing so that I didn’t have to have these lonely times ever again.
.
But whether I would get a “real” relationship, or be someone’s lover or mistress;.
In both cases there would have to be an understanding that temporary Covid related practicalities aside, the baseline would be that we were not going to freak out over having other partners.
But whether I would get a “real” relationship, or be someone’s lover or mistress;.
In both cases there would have to be an understanding that temporary Covid related practicalities aside, the baseline would be that we were not going to freak out over having other partners.
.
That it would always be an open relationship or affair where we supported each other in our goals and dreams, and if those included sexual adventures then we’d support those too.
AND we’d support each other through our phobic nights, as that turned out to be the biggest “payoff” of my adventurous summer.
I never thought back with warm afterglow feelings.
The feeling of stone cold death always there, as soon as we parted.
I never thought back with warm afterglow feelings.
The feeling of stone cold death always there, as soon as we parted.
.
Yet just two months ago, I was still SO determined, not to let this abstinence thing happen.
And to not let having my entire 14-day social circle and all the establishments I visited, being round up if I tested positive, interfere with my social life, my sex life, and in moderate form not even interfere with my entertainment such as film and theater.
It’s just not an option!
What is the alternative? 18 Months of only going for walks with people I already know, and with 1,5 meters between us?
And to not let having my entire 14-day social circle and all the establishments I visited, being round up if I tested positive, interfere with my social life, my sex life, and in moderate form not even interfere with my entertainment such as film and theater.
It’s just not an option!
What is the alternative? 18 Months of only going for walks with people I already know, and with 1,5 meters between us?
.
I was really serious about not letting that happen. And although my sex life was dryer than the Sahara because I had lost my lover late last year;
I made that top priority, this summer.
I was not going to let Covid get to me.
I made that top priority, this summer.
I was not going to let Covid get to me.
But now?
Seven weeks, phobic nights, and my GP and a psychotherapist not returning my phone calls later?
Man, fuck all that you know.
Seven weeks, phobic nights, and my GP and a psychotherapist not returning my phone calls later?
Man, fuck all that you know.
.
A life without sex is definitely not something I fancy, but I ve got people to see, places to visit, and to top it all off a temp agency where I have not even officially registered yet, has contacted me if I wanted to work and my other employer (where I had to temporarily resign because my sex life was taking its toll) – that employer also contacted me today if I felt fit to work.
So when two health care providers do not return calls, two employers contact me at a time when no one can find work?
I don’t know how you interpret that, but to me, that’s a sign it’s a lot more healthy for me to just go out into the world and mingle on the work floor than it is to have sex.
And technically I didn’t even actually have sex this summer. I was just testing the waters.
But it were the worst months of my life, and I m totally eating my words on it not being an option to not have sex until Covid dies out.
But it were the worst months of my life, and I m totally eating my words on it not being an option to not have sex until Covid dies out.
Not having ANY physical contact for as long as nessecary, better become an option very frickin soon because I m never going to stay home, drop out of work, limit myself or cancel appointments, one day in my life ever ever again.
.
No sex it is.
.
.
Suzanne/ Lauren living.
new online series!!
The only benefit so far of not having a sex life is that I can now write freely for my Lauren 1995 project, which was originally going to be an offline endeavor.
https://laurenharteveld.com/1995-1996-book-2-of-my-performance-project/
.
the Book Club: Demons and Daemons
You just read part 1, my column.
Today’s chapter below, from Demons and Daemons, was at a time when I had only just decided I would keep all my content online.
This is what I wrote:
.
Chapter 6, Untitled Notes from Lauren #5
day 5, Friday July 17.
Today was okay-ish!
Which definitely means it was a hundred percent better than yesterday.
And my books have arrived, and after the Lulu software update, my books are still good to go!
The copies are as they always were:
.
With regard to my plans to basically wipe out my entire existence from the internets, in favor of publishing more books and feeling stronger when I get a job;
I ve decided to not delete my English content, in order to feel “safe” in the real world.
Dutch content though?
No verdict yet.
Not just because I m changing my life to creating space for a normal job, and Dutch content is indeed more readily digestible, it speaks to people.
No… that isn’t it.
You know, I d be pretty stupid if I would delete content that speaks to people.
No the reason I m considering deleting the Dutch content is because it’s not 100% me…. there is a layer of downplaying and false self-deprecating going on there that seems almost inborn to the language itself.
.
If I go out into the world I want to fully back myself.
Modesty, normality, hell even accessibility and relatability?
Not my forte.
Not my brand.
Not me.
.
I m seriously still considering deleting the Dutch content but with regard to the English content I m more prone towards a serious clean-up, archiving the blog posts if you will;
Keeping them online in a low maintenance text-only version, and making clear references to programs I m no longer selling, a YouTube channel I no longer have and so on –
is just part of its authenticity.
It’s part of the story.
.
I m thinking about it…
But I feel a lot lighter and happier than I have all week.
—
.
One of the things I want to start doing to keep myself breathing, is reread notes I made and that I don’t want to forget.
.
Today’s one is:
A Daimon or a Daemon is a spirit being that creates your art with you and through you.
It has been described in literature dating from the ancient Greeks.
And I keep wondering what mine looks like.
I THINK he looks like Lucifer from the series.
But I KNOW how he works!
.
Because my Daemon seduces me very, very skillfully.
He says: “Oh just one little blog post. Humor me.”
And he taps the bed next to him.
.
And then five hours later we have a 5000 word story, my hair is all messed up, I ve missed all my appointments, and when I look at him as in:
“But you said we were just…”
He shrugs, barely caring at all!
“Oh well….” he says, as he lights up his cigarette.
.
And we both know I ll say yes the next time he asks.
.
That’s my Daemon.
.
~Lauren.
Chapter 7 of Demons and Daemons,
will be shared soon,
in a new episode of The Book Club
Subscribe to the blog or follow social media:
Facebook page LS Harteveld
Twitter: https://twitter.com/LSHarteveld
About The Book Club
In The Book Club you can find:
– a post
– and one Chapter of my novella Demons and Daemons.
These Book Club posts will form a new book, “A Map Into Unknown”
Covering a journey of three weeks into darkness (Demons and Daemons)
and three weeks, finding my way back to the light.
.
Books LS Harteveld/ Lauren
Lauren’s books are available at LULU
New books will also be added to Lulu, as sites are being curated.
ABOUT ME
I am Suzanne, the real name of Lauren Harteveld,
Lauren/ LS Harteveld was my second identity under which I wrote about sex, relationships, pop culture, from 2006 to 2020.
Lauren is now in 1995, so she will write offline for us.
Her first year 1994-1995:
and I just started the new year as well:
https://laurenharteveld.com/1995-1996-book-2-of-my-performance-project/
https://laurenharteveld.com/1995-1996-book-2-of-my-performance-project/
Originally Lauren was going to write offline in 1995, but since I don’t have a sex life anymore, there is no reason for such discretion.
.
coming soon: new books
1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2020
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- (Dutch)
5. ALL THE THINGS – unpublished work 2010 – 2020
The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.
.
Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/
LS Harteveld 