Doggy (Out of) Style | The Book Club final week

On Saturday November 7, I wrote the turning point blogpost in a series that has covered five months of 2020;
A Chance To Purge All That Once Was | The Book Club final week
This is one of those final 7 posts, to purge all that once was.

It came to me, the way all revelations seem to come to me nowadays;
Through a man I call The Saint.
In my blogposts which I write “from 1995”, for the project where I live as if it’s 1995, I call him Nikki;
A man from England with whom I am writing letters.

I know The Saint, the 2020 version of Nikki, through the internet but other than that I don’t know him any more than Lauren95 knows her anonymous Nikki.
Whether it’s 2020 or we take the story to 1995;
It’s just that there was a click.

Rather than a physical affair, or flirtations that are aimed at becoming a couple or having sex, our correspondence is really just that.
Allowing Lauren95, the 23 year old version of me, to get over her relationship with Bear.
And allowing current day me, to get over my relationship with Mr.Big.

It’s funny how this new correspondence makes me aware what blessing there is in wanting each other, but beforehand indicating you’re not available for real sex; What a unique set of circumstances, that creates an experience you’ll never forget.
It’s almost as if the minds demand to plunge into one another, as if they demand full satisfaction on the mental plane, when the physical aspect of sex is taken off the menu.

And it’s never entirely off the menu.
I have a body, he has a body.
It’s just that considering the circumstances, a step to become lovers will not be easily taken. And in all likeliness, never be taken.

But the mind plunges, confesses, absorbs, penetrates.
They melt together and do the things the bodies can’t. And in my opinion they do it because the bodies can’t.

The Saint and me were talking about our favorite poses, and our least favorite poses, and although I thought I had good reason to not like doggy style sex – because it hurts because the penetration is too deep – he made it very specific.
He asked me if I had been hurt.
And maybe because I had been so explicit about the physical aspect being hurtful, I understood this question as:

I think I brushed it off, or repeated the physical aspects of it, because I really don’t have a memory of anything happening in doggy against my will or anything.
But despite my quick and pragmatic answers, I kept thinking about it. 

Had I been hurt in doggy?

The question wasn’t answered until we had already moved on to our favorite poses, and I said I liked the melting together missionary.
And how I remembered the most intimate versions of that to be in our first few years. And suddenly I felt sorry for myself, because I knew that I had not gotten that in recent years.

It was as if the most intimate part of our affair had stopped years before it ended. As if he had retreated, pulled away, and I had not noticed.
But I could have, if I had paid attention.

And that’s when I realized it was not so much about not liking doggy. Nor was my problem with the physical pain of it. 
But that doggy style sex stood for something that had stayed on the menu. And suddenly I did remember vividly that every time I positioned myself that way, turning away with my back towards him, I had felt disappointment.
I had known, it was not what I really wanted.

Just that I didn’t understand why.

When your deepest desire is to melt together, drowning into each other’s eyes, and the bodies pressing and sweating together, desiring to become one and to be one, and then you get doggy?

Yeah, that hurts.


An unexamined life is not worth living


the Book Club: Demons and Daemons

You just read part 1, my column.

Today’s chapter below, from Demons and Daemons, is a very informative one! 

This is what I wrote:

Chapter 10, Untitled Notes from Lauren #9

I got the male midlife crisis

day 14, Sunday July 26

Michael Douglas (then 48) on the set of Basic Instinct
Considering both how much I dreaded going into this midlife phase, which was mapped out in our yoga education and that horrified me because all options of how my 42 year + period would strike me seemed equally horrible;
As well as how much I have thought about why my life was shot to hell the past couple of years yet I seem to be miraculously cured at my 48th birthday,
it is surprising it took me until this weekend to consider that something peculiar has happened.
Because some of my readers may still be looking for an explanation wtf hit them between 42 and 56 depending on your gender (I ll give you the correct ages later)
I have chosen to share this.
That really is the only reason, because “I” Lauren Harteveld, my pseudonym, is living in 1995 where I just turned 23, so this does conflict with my current art form/ performance.
And “I” Suzanne, who is the current-day-bound of the two, also tends to ignore everything about her biological age as well as the covid struck reality we’re currently living in, as much as possible.
So I had already decided against sharing my midlife insights,
because for my art I m 23 and in real life I don’t care about reality,
until I realized that if I can help even one person, feeling a tiny bit better than I did the past three years-
it was plenty of reason to start sharing.
So let’s start sharing.
In general the midlife crisis of men in their early 50s, and the going through the menses of women late 40s are phenomenons very well documented.
Usually as pretty painful, but also always temporary.
One day you wake up and your physical ailments, as it usually express itself in women, or your existential crisis as it presents itself in men, is gone.
But yoga offers a little bit broader perspective on things, dating this female time of deep crisis (worst case scenario) or of starting anew (optimistic outcome) from her 42nd to her 48th;
And with men the male midlife crisis which is the same time of deep crisis or starting with a new woman or a new family- between his 49th birthday and his 56th.
So the women and men are on different cycles, first of all time wise with the women snapping out of it a year before the men are even started, but men and women also differ in how it expresses itself.
This model of the midlife crisis is related to the 7 chakras, and you move up bottom to top.
So you start at birth in the rudimentary root chakra, and at age 6 (girls) or age 7 (boys) you move up to the second chakra.
From 36 to 42 the woman goes through her most spiritual enlightened chakra (7), only to be cast back to the hell of the first chakra age 42.
She will leave:
– men
– children
– jobs
– careers
Behind only to go on a quest for Je Ne Sais Quoi in infinite forms, usually ending up disappointed.
Or she’ll find a new man, start a new family, or have a child.
So option one is she’ll basically lose 6 years, option B is she’ll start again and option C is the worst of all, which is she’ll get sick and lose the 6 years getting better. Or worse.
I think I must have blocked the very thought of what would happen after my 42nd birthday, because I can remember dreading it when I was younger;
Yet cannot remember ever reflecting on the entire thing when my life had it’s own funny roller coaster way of falling apart and coming apart at the seams.
A time when a little perspective would have been useful information.
So anyway- looking back, I can say, yes –
time wise I was female.
From 42-48 I did go through the 1st chakra period of having the female version of a midlife crisis in the sense that I lost everything.
And yet!
I didn’t go on a quest to look for myself in India.
I basically abandoned yoga those years, even though I was a yoga teacher.
I certainly did not become pregnant, and being someone’s secret lover can in no way qualify as starting a new family.
And then this weekend I saw it!
So three guesses for whom the most likely scenario going through a midlife crisis is having secretive, exciting, sexual affairs?
Who does not go to India finding themselves?
Who starts getting totally repulsed by the idea of boring long term relationships full of commitments?
If I view my midlife years, the 1st chakra years of yoga which for a woman are 42-48 and for a man 49-56;
If I view how horrible I felt, and that the only thing that was able to bring me joy (really bring me joy) was an affair that revolved around the bestest time ever and doing all the things in all the ways-
I spent my midlife years in a perfectly normal way!
I once took a test and my brain scored 97% on being male.
You can take it here, in case you’re interested:
So even though this insight is not going to make those years less painful, or make the “God damn I lost at least three years” (in my case) feeling of hopelessness any less;
Knowing I got to have a secret affair instead of going to India, getting pregnant or falling ill;
I got a STUNNING deal and I should never ever, speak badly of it ever again!

Chapter 11 of Demons and Daemons,
will be shared soon,
in a new episode of The Book Club

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About The Book Club

In The Book Club you can find:
– a post
– and one Chapter of my novella Demons and Daemons.

These Book Club posts will form a new book, “A Map Into Unknown”
Covering a journey of three weeks into darkness (Demons and Daemons)
and the rest of 2020, finding my way back to the light!


Books LS Harteveld/ Lauren

Lauren’s books are available at LULU
New books will also be added to Lulu, as sites are being curated.

Nederlands blog: