The White Tigress Returns | The Book Club final week

I’m writing 7 blogposts, on 7 consecutive days, to get over my lover and also start my life anew.
This is one of them.

In 2017 I published a little Dutch guide, Witte Tijgerin, about how to rock at being a single woman and be confident in your life choice to live solitary.

Even choosing the word solitary was of course a radical statement there.
It immediately illustrates how much we think in couples.
And how being single, largely unconsciously, is still being viewed, as well as experienced, as only being half of something that doesn’t exist.
As if you’re waiting to be complete.
But saying “I am solitary” is not waiting to be complete.

Despite being so small, the tiny guide was really good, and I knew it. Yet I also knew I would not be able to bring it to the market, promote it, and the English translation stranded.
Because I no longer felt a White Tigress myself.

I was having an affair, I was a mistress.
The book would just have to speak for itself, because I no longer represented what it stood for.
Until now.

We no longer have an affair, and did try to pick it up because we still like each other. And I m as crazy about him as I have been all those years.
And yet, we just can’t get back together.
And from my side, I suspect it’s because the mistress coat doesn’t fit anymore.

Just like when I broke up my long-term relationship, in 2006, it isn’t until later, that I understood what was bothering me.
Why a hunch, that it’s not working, cannot be understood until months or even years have passed.
Yesterday, in the post I wrote about not liking doggy style sex, I realized that we had lost the intimacy of our first years.
Initially, I had favorably written it off as our relationship not being as “experimental”, but yesterday I realized it was way more than that.
Our intimacy had been on the decline for years.
Doggy style sex, to me, stood for sex with a porn-like distance.
When I, and in all likeliness we, wanted so much more.

So just like three years ago when I published a Dutch guide for single women, just at the moment I no longer saw myself as such;
I am now working on publishing books on mistresshood, thinking:
“But I’m no longer a mistress!”

I can FEEL being a White Tigress, without having a sex life, because the White Tigress lifestyle entails so much more than just sex
you can read all about the original White Tigress in this book by Hsi Lai
but I do not feel myself a mistress, without being a mistress.

In theory, I view being a mistress as a sexual identity. Comparable to being gay. The chances that I will ever fall for a man who is single are close to zero.
As are the chances that I will fall for a man who will break off his marriage in a dramatic gesture that he had chosen the “wrong” woman, and has now found true love with me.

Chances that I ll get a new affair, with someone who also sees other women or another woman, are very high.
That is why I view being a mistress as a sexual identity, a preference. It is not chance or luck, or a bad choice in men, that makes a true mistress a mistress.
She is coded to prefer sex and love being served in that particular way;
With her being the other woman, in love with a taken man.
And him being in love, and finding something which he can’t or doesn’t allow himself to feel, within a more traditional relationship.

I still stand by all of that.
Yet at the same time, a solitary mistress? I don’t feel that. 
The moment I am single I immediately see the chances of falling for a single guy, or a taken guy, as equal.
All bets are off.
I m definitely not willing to “cast” or look for, a partner who is already in a relationship.

I start over and I start anew.

And I find myself going back to the little guide I wrote, three years ago. And I have pulled out my Hsi Lai books, The Sexual Teachings Of The White Tigress, and White Tigress, Green Dragon.
I find myself dipping my toes in the waters of the familiar territory of the White Tigress. And it’s like a warm bath. 
Regardless of what the future brings;
I am home.

And since I am now officially solitary again, I have the whole bath to myself..

An unexamined life is not worth living

relevant to this post:
1. a little Dutch guide, Witte Tijgerin
Big, diaries and erotica, about my first two years as a mistress


the Book Club: Demons and Daemons

You just read part 1, my column.

Today’s chapter below, from Demons and Daemons, is an absolute gem!
And it clearly states I already gave myself two lovers last summer.
I had almost forgotten about them 😉

This is what I wrote:

Chapter 11, Untitled Notes from Lauren #10

About the Boys

day 16, Tuesday July 28

For the past 14 years I ve done everything I could to discover, shape, and even perfect, my love and sex life.
Some things worked out, some didn’t, but in the end it was the same reasoning I have when it comes to having children, that snapped me out of it.
It’s a question I used whenever I thought about wanting children and leaned towards:
“Well, you know with the right man.”
“You never know.”
“It would be incredibly cute.”
“I love babies.”
I counterbalanced it with:
“But if you would have to choose between having a child or have all that care, effort, blood, sweat and tears, all that time and money available for something else.
Then which one would you choose?”
My eyes would start spinning and produce hearts like one of those cartoon characters.
ALL that time, money, and single mindedness available for something else?
Omg, omg, that is like being allowed to eat all the candy you want without damaging your teeth or your health.
A question like, if you would be a millionaire and money was unlimited, what would you do?
Imagining that future without children was always the more appealing option.
Now, I have to admit, that I do not recommend making your choices this way. It worked for me, because I had already decided I didn’t want them.
But the reason it will not work in general, is that it is extremely difficult to muster that kind of commitment and dedication when you don’t have a little human depending on you.
Unwritten books, non-build businesses and trips around the world that are not taken, do not have the same sense of urgency as an infant.
Just like I ultimately didn’t want children, I decided recently that I wasn’t going to invest, learn, turn myself inside out and so on, over my love life ever again.
And realizing all those thoughts could now be spend on something else, almost made my heart skip a beat!
What an inspiring thought!
If the next 14 year I would dedicate those mental resources and that time, to a new cause, what would it be?
I decided building my legacy and empire as a writer (under two names) and BODY.
Oh, dear mother of God, if only I would get off my ass and not write so much (I admit I immediately saw how this conflicted with my first goal), and do yoga, go outside, exercise a bit, but mainly-
If I would just give the MENTAL attention to being a successful writer and having a strong and healthy body,
as I had given to men the past 14 years?
I would soar.
So I got to work, and I have to say, I was very happy with the result!
It was even better than 14 years ago.
I knew what I wanted, and I knew which practices would help me. I drew that blueprint of daily practices and healthy habits, just like that.
One of the things was mindset work around the areas of writing, body AND having lovers.
So I was not longer trying, for lovers.
They were also not going to be worked on, or anything like that.
From now on they, the lovers plural (although I m monogamous I thought two was better, to keep it light, although I m still not sure I can handle that mentally)
were just going the be there.
Without question.
So I was totally happy with how things were going.
Yet tonight I realized that despite being very involved in all the topics I had created affirmations about, I was only actively thinking about the men, the lovers.
All the other things were forgotten the moment I had closed that journal.
Yet I did some digging and discovered that despite fantasizing about men, and not about anything else –
I had come home from a bike ride, sat back behind my desk and was exceptionally inspired.
Instead of writing two tiny posts, which I thought would take me 45 minutes, this is my third big post.
The other two were written under my real name;
One is posted today, at Rock Star Writer Nijmegen, the other will be posted over there tomorrow.
So I had “wasted” mental bandwidth thinking “about boys”, something I have been thinking about for 14 years and that I thought I was done thinking about.
But after I came home I was extremely productive!
In hindsight – you know those women who get angry at the thought of having to limit themselves once they become a mother, or having to choose one or the other?
And then they just do all of it?
That would have been me.

Chapter 12 of Demons and Daemons,
will be shared soon,
in a new episode of The Book Club

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About The Book Club

In The Book Club you can find:
– a post
– and one Chapter of my novella Demons and Daemons.

These Book Club posts will form a new book, “A Map Into Unknown”
Covering a journey of three weeks into darkness (Demons and Daemons)
and the rest of 2020, finding my way back to the light!


Books LS Harteveld/ Lauren

Lauren’s books are available at LULU
New books will also be added to Lulu, as sites are being curated.

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