I’m writing 7 blogposts, on 7 consecutive days, to get over my lover and also start my life anew.
This is one of them.

In 2017 I published a little Dutch guide, Witte Tijgerin, about how to rock at being a single woman and be confident in your life choice to live solitary.

Even choosing the word solitary was of course a radical statement there.
It immediately illustrates how much we think in couples.
And how being single, largely unconsciously, is still being viewed, as well as experienced, as only being half of something that doesn’t exist.
As if you’re waiting to be complete.
But saying “I am solitary” is not waiting to be complete.

Despite being so small, the tiny guide was really good, and I knew it. Yet I also knew I would not be able to bring it to the market, promote it, and the English translation stranded.
Because I no longer felt a White Tigress myself.
I was having an affair, I was a mistress.
The book would just have to speak for itself, because I no longer represented what it stood for.
Until now.

We no longer have an affair, and did try to pick it up because we still like each other. And I m as crazy about him as I have been all those years.
And yet, we just can’t get back together.
And from my side, I suspect it’s because the mistress coat doesn’t fit anymore.

Just like when I broke up my long-term relationship, in 2006, it isn’t until later, that I understood what was bothering me.
Why a hunch, that it’s not working, cannot be understood until months or even years have passed.
Yesterday, in the post I wrote about not liking doggy style sex, I realized that we had lost the intimacy of our first years.
Initially, I had favorably written it off as our relationship not being as “experimental”, but yesterday I realized it was way more than that.
Our intimacy had been on the decline for years.
Doggy style sex, to me, stood for sex with a porn-like distance.
When I, and in all likeliness we, wanted so much more.

So just like three years ago when I published a Dutch guide for single women, just at the moment I no longer saw myself as such;
I am now working on publishing books on mistresshood, thinking:
“But I’m no longer a mistress!”

I can FEEL being a White Tigress, without having a sex life, because the White Tigress lifestyle entails so much more than just sex
– you can read all about the original White Tigress in this book by Hsi Lai –
but I do not feel myself a mistress, without being a mistress.

In theory, I view being a mistress as a sexual identity. Comparable to being gay. The chances that I will ever fall for a man who is single are close to zero.
As are the chances that I will fall for a man who will break off his marriage in a dramatic gesture that he had chosen the “wrong” woman, and has now found true love with me.

Chances that I ll get a new affair, with someone who also sees other women or another woman, are very high.
That is why I view being a mistress as a sexual identity, a preference. It is not chance or luck, or a bad choice in men, that makes a true mistress a mistress.
She is coded to prefer sex and love being served in that particular way;
With her being the other woman, in love with a taken man.
And him being in love, and finding something which he can’t or doesn’t allow himself to feel, within a more traditional relationship.

I still stand by all of that.
Yet at the same time, a solitary mistress? I don’t feel that. 
The moment I am single I immediately see the chances of falling for a single guy, or a taken guy, as equal.
All bets are off.
I m definitely not willing to “cast” or look for, a partner who is already in a relationship.

I start over and I start anew.

And I find myself going back to the little guide I wrote, three years ago. And I have pulled out my Hsi Lai books, The Sexual Teachings Of The White Tigress, and White Tigress, Green Dragon.
I find myself dipping my toes in the waters of the familiar territory of the White Tigress. And it’s like a warm bath. 
Regardless of what the future brings;
I am home.

And since I am now officially solitary again, I have the whole bath to myself..