I’m playing the “Pick It Up From There”- Card

This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara
Before our call I always give her a headsup..

Dear Sara,
Over the two years we’ve been working together, I ve frequently told you that my life was in total mayhem, until the final day or hours where I had to write you an update, before it suddenly all fell into place.
When I confessed this to you, you always assured me that if I would show up, in my total messiness, we’d just “pick it up from there”.
Although I had no idea what that meant, or what kind of magic trick you would have up your sleeve to untangle my mental mess and mayhem, I still found that enormously reassuring.
And I think it is today, that I will pick you up on that offer.
If it still stands.
The good news is: “There”, as in a place where you don’t know where to start or what to write your coach, is not a bad place to be at all.
It’s very quiet.
It wasn’t when my life was tumultuous, when I would be needing to take you up on that offer;

It is now, when I feel I m in the eye of the storm.
There is nothing here.
Everything has come to a halt, and everything I was working on seems irrelevant.
Like I need to stop writing.
When I went through this blog I saw about 6 cases of me wanting to stop writing, wanting to stop being LS Harteveld, or a combination of the two.
And this blog is not even two years old.
The reason I have temporarily stopped writing now, is because of a heatwave.
I abandoned or brought to a halt all projects I was currently working on, and am offline for five days.
It’s like a holiday.
I had the intention of writing offline/ journaling my blog posts and type and post them when the heat has subsided.
But I find myself not interested in writing offline at all.

Even though my biggest project, here on this site, would definitely benefit from a little working in advance, because I m going to be pressed for time to finish it in the time I said I would.
This project is a six week project;
Half July I started writing Facebook notes, and recently I bundled them to a blog post called;
“Demons and Daemons” a Facebook novella by Suzanne/Lauren
A diary that covers three weeks, out of which I wrote fifteen days.
After posting it, I started a new series, which I called The Book Club, and that was initially just to repost the novella into more bite-sized posts.
I don’t necessarily think everybody should read all my stuff, but I do believe in keeping it manageable.
Since I write because I have an internal need to do so, keeping it manageable is almost impossible, because writing happens when it happens.
But for instance by posting on Facebook first, instead of here on the blog, I can prevent overflowing your mailbox with 15 messages.
Instead you get one novella.
However, this brought the new problem that it was a bit much.
And before I knew it I had split them up – sending them out chapter by chapter after all – BUT! 

Also adding an entire new layer to them.
Where the three weeks I had written Demons and Daemons on Facebook had been somewhat of a journey into darkness, and then me marrying the demon or daemon of my Writing, giving it a happy end;
The layer I was adding in the chapter-by-chapter Book Club was exactly the opposite.
It was light and optimistic. I would say enlightened.
The Book Club notes or introductions to the three week journey into darkness, were a journey into the light.
They would be a similar three week journey, but from an entirely different perspective.
The perspective of someone who has made her peace with being a writer, and has committed to showing up daily for her art.
Just like a marriage would have you show up daily.
But instead of a happy end, the marriage with Writing was taking over my life.
The posts for The Book Club (the two books together, The Book Club and Daemons and Demons, will be called A Journey Into Unknown) but also posts for my Rock Star Writer account under my real name;
I wrote and wrote the days after the “wedding”.
Meanwhile thinking;
How on earth am I going to publish my books if I write 5 hours a day?
How on earth am I going to enjoy a fun and social job, and be saved from myself and all the writing, if my minimum daily writing requirement exceeds that of what you’d have spare after you came home after work?
How am I going to live the life of a successful online author who communicates every day on all her accounts – I still believe showing up for writing includes showing up to share it – and writes and or reposts every day and have a life as well?
How can I spend time with a real man, real lovers, if my marriage to Writing devours everything?
How do I avoid that being committed to Writing – the only thing that has always been there for me the last 14 years – doesn’t become like being in an abusive relationship?
Was my wedding post to Writing a declaration of love or a case of auto-Stockholm syndrome where I was loyal to my oppressor?
Was my muse in reality a hostage taker?
As I was still trying to figure that out, the heatwave started.
And on day 3, as I was limiting the hours the cats could have their water fountain on (they do have two water bowls, before you fear I m limiting their access to water) to minimize heat by electrical devices, I realized that this hot weather, which will only get worse because the nights stay warmer so the house doesn’t cool off, that this is no time to use to computer.
That I need to go offline.
Holiday granted by the Universe, so to speak.
For the first time in as long as I can remember, a holiday from writing.
No more The Book Club.
No more The Box Set or Live From London, both series for my Rock Star Writer account.
And publishing my books with my hard drive in overdrive for hours on end, is not going to happen until our temperature stays under 30 degrees (86 Fahrenheit)
So one week after I committed to writing, the whole thing fell apart for the first time in 14 years.
And although my ego is slightly upset by The Book Club/ Map To Unknown being in severe risk of never being finished;
Part of me thinks it’s a sign that it should never ever be finished.
The part that likes not being able to write.
And it’s a big part.
Even this post was supposed to be a private email to you, until I realized I was not going to keep the only time in two years I have nothing to offer, and play the “Pick It Up From There”- Card, go by in silence.
That I wanted this in a blog post where I would one day read it again.
It is so freeing to just have it be decided for me.
For the first time in 14 years, I can’t write because it’s so hot I should not be using my computer.
And seeing that even if I had continued, I would not have liked how I was spending my days, being enslaved by writing, daily messaging, and using reposts if I have not written anything that day;
It’s all far too heavy.
So I don’t know, Sara.
But I think that’s where we’ll pick it up.
Maybe what I m feeling is best comparable with when your lover or partner leaves you in kind of a matter of fact way.
And although you had chosen for him and had a lot of future plans together, and thought he’d be in your life forever, you find out the relief of all that space coming available now that he has left,
is more dear to you than his presence ever was.
 Warm regards,

Suzanne/ Lauren
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

Books LS Harteveld/ Lauren

Lauren’s books are available at LULU
New books will also be added to Lulu, as sites are being curated.


I am Suzanne, the real name of Lauren Harteveld,
Lauren/ LS Harteveld was my second identity under which I wrote about sex, relationships, pop culture, from 2006 to 2020.
Lauren is now in 1995, so she will write offline for us.
Her first year 1994-1995 is available online:

coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2020
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
Blote Kont- (Dutch)
5. ALL THE THINGS – unpublished work 2010 – 2020

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.
Nederlands blog: