LS Harteveld

On top of her game, Lauren feels fully confident she’s got it all under controle.
She’s a mistress.
And she’s good at it.
Until she makes a terrible discovery.

For the past four years, the most important objection from my friends, in regard to my mistress status, has been;
“But how can you do this to his wife?!”
This question always comes from female friends. Male friends tend to be totally undisturbed by that aspect. Naturally they have their own wives to worry about, and many of them don’t even become friends because the price of seeing me is too high, and the revenues too low.
You re not going to invest in secrecy, if you don’t know if you’re going to score.
And you’re not going to make a stand fighting for your freedom to have female friends, if you intend to sleep with me.
It would be like alarming the dogs, before you break into the house.
So although the “few” men who actually make it to a date with me, do have questions regarding my choice to be a mistress, it’s never how I work around my guilt over what I m doing to Big’s wife.
First of all, Big’s situation was easy because I didn’t know his wife. I do have one male friend, whose wife accidentally became a client of mine.
At that point I made her my priority.
And the friend and me reviewed our friendship, first checking in with her. If it had been necessary I would have chosen not to see him for a while, even though he is one of my absolute favorites.
So once I have a relationship with a woman, I will never get involved with her husband or boyfriend, not even for friendship if it would bother her.
But other than that I don’t feel guilty.
There are so many reasons this aspect of being a mistress doesn’t bother me.
The biggest chunk of it is that I don’t like (here we go);
Being part of a group;
And a group of women in particular;
I don’t like shared identities;
Not among women and not between man and wife;
I think most marriages are claustrophobic;
And that most women are mean to their husbands;
And that most men victims, who have lost their masculinity;
And what I do is basically set things straight.
I m the wolf that keeps the population healthy. And sometimes I don’t even have to do something.
I can recall multiple situations where the sheer presence of me, the thought of me (a beautiful woman wanting to date her husband) completely transformed a marriage, without ever going on a date.
Marriages that had been stuck for years were suddenly wide awake, now that there was another woman unapologetically offering herself to the male, and usually I really only had friendly feelings for him.
Although I would never say:
“PLEASE DON T MAKE SUCH A FRICKIN DRAMA I DON T EVEN WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM!”
I think I kind of liked watching how it all played out.
That I saw it as a purge, as the two of them weeding out all the toxins that had been building up between them.
And I ve also witnessed couples that had been dating for a long time, and he had not committed and she was letting him get away with it, suddenly shifting into the highest gear, when she realized the space was being used to see me.
Then she would step up and show the pre-breeder stage she was already in. Waiting impatiently, but pretending to keep her cool.
You can’t keep you’re cool with the wolf around.
No one can!
And I m so happy to be the wolf, it’s the best part for sure.
So although Mr.Big is my only lover, my impact has been much greater than just his marriage. You could even say that Big’s marriage is least impacted by me. And the men who are my friends or at one point were about to become a friend, that those marriages or relationships were the ones that changed.
That’s the place where the herder is now watching the sheep like a hawk.
Or make the meadow really nice, so that the sheep doesn’t bother to graze somewhere else.
Or remembers to always go home.
Big’s marriage however, has not been impacted by my presence at all. They didn’t have conversations where my name came up, they didn’t reinvent their marriage.
He just got himself a little something extra on the side.
That he’s enjoying exactly as often as he wants to.
And I know – he never told me this explicitly but I could hear this between the lines – that during our affair he has become a better husband.
Because he has created his own solution for the moments he doesn’t feel loved at home. So that they can make up as soon as she’s ready, or they are ready. And he’s not holding on to anger.
If Mr.Big had not started taking care of himself this way, their relationship would have had many more bad days the past couple of years, than it did.
So that’s why I don’t feel guilty:
Because first of all, I believe this is Mr.Big’s choice.
I even believe it’s his bloody nature to need two women with whom he shares vastly different things, but that’s up to him and other men who have mistresses to tell that story. Not up to me.
The second reason I don’t feel guilty towards the wife is because like I said, I think Mr.Big’s marriage has improved with me on the side.
His wife may be lied to, but she’s getting the benefits, for sure.
An independent husband who takes responsibility for himself first, and doesn’t let himself be tamed. What a tremendous gift he’s giving her.
So no.
I don’t feel guilty.
For all of the above reasons.
However, on a practical level, I have been concerned with how being a mistress could be dangerous, because of the wife and public opinion, if this blows up.
The mistress is always the one who’s wrong, the villain.
In the movie Fatal Attraction this storyline is played out, by actually making the mistress into an aggressor. But I don’t need to be aggressive to make women hate me.
To justify being aggressive towards me.
Whether I sleep with their husband yes or no.
It’s the reason I m writing in English, and will never be on Dutch tv or such, speaking about mistresshood, even though I have SO MANY things to say about it!
But I’m not going to put my life on the line for this, I m really not.
I know what I am, right?
I want to inspire other women like me (who like mystery and having only one partner) to be a mistress. Because it can be done in a good way. You don’t have to create a blood bath with a meadow full of dead sheep.
Being a good mistress is something you can learn.
And I can teach you how.
Just like I can show men how a mistress can have a place in your life.
However, I am not going to give my life for this.
Like I said: it’s not my problem if your life is a blood bath with too many cadavers, if your husband is a spineless push-over, which you by the way created yourself; Or if you re consumed with bitterness and rage because life is not giving you what you want.
I did the work and I invested big time, in figuring this out. And the mistress does play a significant role in keeping everybody happy.
Yet, I still want to go to the supermarket without being bothered. Or hated.
So this work will be in English, and if I ever do media, it will be English too.
In English media I m this overseas, exotic writer, with her European ideas. Which is way less threatening, than someone who lives in the same country or even same city.
That way I try to limit the risks for myself.
But I can’t avoid risk entirely.
My biggest fear has always been that my current affair is going to get me killed.
If our affair would come out, 99% of women, and all men who want to stand out as a new candidate for Mrs. Big to date (now that her marriage has collapsed) will think it’s completely fair to turn their aggression on me.
The mistress.
And Mr.Big will be nowhere to be found, because he’ll focus on saving what he can from his marriage, and his relationship with the children.
I would have to face it alone.
That has been my biggest fear.
Now naturally, I think it’s worth it. But it’s one of the reasons why I would never go to bed with a married man, and take it lightly.
“Am I prepared to pay for this affair with my life?”
That’s my line of thought.
Always.
Now there are reasons why I believe being Big’s mistress in particular, includes this risk. Which may explain why I did something stupid…
Why I did an online investigation of Christopher, in order to find out more about him. Christopher and me have been friends in real life, but we never added each other on Facebook.
Nor do we have a shared circle of friends.
Christopher has ended our friendship, because I have confessed my feelings to him, and he doesn’t want to see me anymore.
But it doesn’t feel like the end of it.
It still feels as if some time in the future, I m going to be his mistress, or at least discuss this option with him in all seriousness.
Not to rationalize what I did, because obviously I should have waited screening him until he wanted to get back in touch, but I couldn’t help myself.
I had to know.
It took some time to figure things out, because both he and his wife had secure profiles. But I have a knack for Facebook, and Google photos did the rest.
And there it was.
I couldn’t believe what I saw.
The wife of Mr. Big, the affair that was already putting me at risk of being lynched, was linked to the wife of Christopher. Both were serving the same public cause: a powerful organization that presented itself as charity, but there were persistent rumors that it was tied to sectarian practices.
Including burning down everything that stood in their way, in a variety of ways.
Intimidation and blackmail.
Lawsuits and bribes.
Some say murder.
If I would have an affair with Christopher and it would blow, his wife would have the same powerful organization backing her up, as Mr.Big’s wife.
And possibly?
Mrs. Big and Mrs. Christopher, would also find each other.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

Want to know what happens next?
The subscribe button to this diary is somewhere on the right.
or follow Twitter ; or Facebook

Borderline is the eighth chapter from Project M. 

tenth anniversary of the book that changed my life!

Summer 2008 I started writing in English.
Dutch American Diary 
Just like now, I was in love with two men. And just like now, they were both taken.
And – yes, just like now –  I had no idea where life would take me.
This 2008 diary became the only thing that offered stability during a time where I had just left my partner after fourteen years and the two new men were driving me crazy.
A book about starting over in your mid-thirties and reinventing yourself as a lover;
As a woman;
And as a vengeful fury from hell.

Als je Nederlands bent is 22 erotische verhalen een aanrader.
Maar je kunt natuurlijk ook gewoon de hele shop leegkopen.

BOOK SHOP

These are my English titles:
Dutch American Diary 2008-2009  €15
LS Diary 2012-2013                                € 10
Bedtime Stories 2014                            €15
Mirage 2014                                               €5
Big, diaries and erotica 2015-2016 € 20
Get a 25% discount on all prices in the shop.
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

De volgende Nederlandse boeken
zijn ook op voorraad bij boekhandel de Feeks in Nijmegen
verzending gratis v.a. € 17,50

Het Boek Benjamin           € 45
verzameld werk NL en Engels.
Het enige boek dat hier niet inzit is Witte Tijgerin, dus mijn andere Nederlandse boeken zitten hier wél in.

Mango                                 €15
coming of age novelle

22 erotische verhalen   € 15
literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin

Witte Tijgerin                  €5
gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie

Lauren seems unharmed by Mr.Big’s wishy washy behavior, as well as Christopher’s decision to not see each other anymore.
She feels comfortable in her own skin, being a mistress.
Without knowing if she’s a mistress to anyone in particular.

Ivy was one of the friends who responded personally to my post where I got put on hold by both Big and Christopher.
The deep-dive after a five day rollercoaster ride where I had finally understood how my feelings for these two men had been disrupting my life from the deepest layers of my soul.
Like low whale noises, you’re not supposed to hear, but that had vibrated my entire life out of place.
Until I found myself between the ruins, and with two men who said they didn’t know if they could still see me.
And yet after the initial shock, I had not felt a thing.
If I looked in the mirror I saw a blushing, happy woman, as if I just had sex. Which was accurate because I did have sex with Mr.Big.
But we didn’t exactly part on the best of terms.
“Mr.Big always withdraws when he’s not feeling well,” Ivy pointed out to me. “He thinks you’re in it for the good times.”
“I’ve told him a million times that I would still love him if he was old and poor,” I sighed. “So that would be pretty stupid.”
But of course Ivy was right. That was what Mr.Big was thinking. And I couldn’t have picked a worse moment to crack open my monomaniacal devotion for Mr.Big, by falling in love with Christopher.
It was hurtful.
But it had been like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Mr.Big’s apparent lack of interest had started months and months ago.
Marginalizing our contact to sixty, ninety minutes instead of the magnificent dates we used to have.
In his defense: he was always fully tuned in to me, and a joy to be around.
The sex was less groundbreaking than it had been, but that had to do with how little time we had for our date.
Not because the intimacy or the desire for each other had not been there.
So nothing was ruined between us, as far as I was concerned. But my heart had found a way to fill the void he left.
And it couldn’t be undone.
A month ago I recorded a cute video (Nederlands), where I asked the Universe for a second lover. I had been quick to dismiss it as a silly idea, and had only posted the video because it had become a tradition that I made an annual video about me and Mr.Big in the Ferris wheel.
I didn’t actually thought having a second lover would be the solution to anything.
I was unsure if my body would even respond to two men.
But what strikes me now if I watch that video is:
You can SEE IT!
I’m in love already!
I might have missed the two giant whales, swimming and vibrating their voices deep down into my subconscious:
One a familiar voice who seemed to be needing time alone.
And one new whale who I thought was there ….  by chance I suppose! That it was just a good whale season or something.
Who knows what I was thinking.
But if you see that video, you can see I m practically high on love hormones. That the whales were impacting me greatly, even as I was recording a video that said:
“I need a second whale.”
Baby, it’s already there!
Look down!
A month has passed since then, and the first whale Mr.Big still needs his time alone. And the second one Christopher has said we can’t see each other anymore.
“I don’t understand why I still feel so good,” I said to Ivy. “My position with Mr.Big is critical as fuck, and I can’t do anything about it.”
And I wasn’t going to contact Christopher either. I was fully going to honor his desire to not see each other anymore.
Yet I felt like putting my hand into the water to let them know I was still here.
“It just doesn’t feel over,” I admitted.
Referring to Christopher.
Ivy shook her head, and said this would not be the end of it.
“That ship has sailed.”

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

Want to know what happens next?
The subscribe button to this diary is somewhere on the right.
or follow Twitter ; or Facebook

Physical Attraction is the seventh chapter from Project M. 

tenth anniversary of the book that changed my life!

Summer 2008 I started writing in English.
Dutch American Diary 
Just like now, I was in love with two men. And just like now, they were both taken.
And – yes, just like now –  I had no idea where life would take me.
This 2008 diary became the only thing that offered stability during a time where I had just left my partner after fourteen years and the two new men were driving me crazy.
A book about starting over in your mid-thirties and reinventing yourself as a lover;
As a woman;
And as a vengeful fury from hell.

Als je Nederlands bent is 22 erotische verhalen een aanrader.
Maar je kunt natuurlijk ook gewoon de hele shop leegkopen.

BOOK SHOP

These are my English titles:
Dutch American Diary 2008-2009  €15
LS Diary 2012-2013                                € 10
Bedtime Stories 2014                            €15
Mirage 2014                                               €5
Big, diaries and erotica 2015-2016 € 20
Get a 25% discount on all prices in the shop.
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

De volgende Nederlandse boeken
zijn ook op voorraad bij boekhandel de Feeks in Nijmegen
verzending gratis v.a. € 17,50

Het Boek Benjamin           € 45
verzameld werk NL en Engels.
Het enige boek dat hier niet inzit is Witte Tijgerin, dus mijn andere Nederlandse boeken zitten hier wél in.

Mango                                 €15
coming of age novelle

22 erotische verhalen   € 15
literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin

Witte Tijgerin                  €5
gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie

Lauren feels the best she’s felt in weeks, even after Christophers rejection and Mr.Big’s persistent unavailability.
Which could be explained because she had sex with Mr.Big. And also, because she can be really proud of herself!
Because she did the right thing. 

One of my favorite movie lines is from Brad Pitt.
In Thelma and Louise, his character JD is living hand to mouth, hitchhiking across Texas posing as a student.
And he robs gas stations and bed partners alike.
But Thelma doesn’t know that she’s gonna pay for her time with him. Still intrigued with his honesty that he robs stores, she asks him how he does it.
JD grabs a hair blower, holds it like a gun, and gives a little performance. Practically charming himself through the armed robbery.
“My gosh, you sure gentlemanly about it,” Thelma says.
At which he replies:
“I’ve always believed if done right, armed robbery doesn’t have to be a
totally unpleasant experience.”
And I can now say the same of being a mistress. I can charm my way through it, without causing unnecessary damage.
Naturally I felt horrible yesterday. Within five days I had gone from realizing I was in love with two men, to basically being rejected by both.
Mr.Big was battling his inner-demons and we were as undefined as ever. Maybe worse.
And Christopher had decided we couldn’t see each other anymore.
Which was not that bad, since I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to be a mistress again.
After three and a half years I knew exactly what the pitfalls of Mistresshood were. And although I was still convinced that I was a mistress by nature, as far as anyone can pinpoint a sexual orientation, that didn’t make it easy.
But the way I had handled my crush on Christopher had impressed even myself.
I had proved that affairs didn’t have to be a painful ball full of conflicting emotions and interests, the way it had been at the start of my affair with Mr.Big.
The ball could be unravelled.
An experienced mistress could control the damage, because she knew what she was doing. In the words of JD:
“It doesn’t have to be a totally unpleasant experience.”
I knew for sure, that although what I had done may have seemed like a small thing, warning Christopher about my feelings for him was in fact huge.
It was the difference between robbing a liquor store, and traumatizing people for life; Or leaving them baffled, and with a good story to tell.
I had asked consent. And at a very early stage, not when emotions were flying high.
Because it would have been soooo easy, to just ask Christopher out on a new date. Or stage a new situation where we would be spending time together. And then make him fall in love with me, or offer him an opportunity to act on his feelings.
But I had chosen not to.
Instead I had said:
“You need to think about this, before we see each other again.”
And he didn’t want to see me again, and he told me why.
He didn’t owe me an explanation, but I appreciated it that he told me.
There is a law in several countries, making sex illegal unless you have asked for consent. I think what’s wrong with that law, is that it misses out on the most important thing: a shared vision of where you want this to go not now, but in the future.
One of the things Mr.Big once told me, was that he did ask for consent. Explicitly. Not just that he would not rest until a woman was actually begging in five different languages to be taken. He didn’t say that, but I know that’s how he works.
That was the easy part.
When he was about to have sex with someone, he explained to her that this would very likely be only for one night. That he wasn’t available for more.
And that she had to think about it, if that was enough for her. Because otherwise they could also just cuddle up and go to sleep.
And sometimes a woman had then chosen to not have sex, and that had been completely fine.
So maybe in the end, it was Mr.Big who taught me the true meaning of consent. That asking permission, or getting consent, or feeling what somebody wants in the now are only the beginning. That a good lover takes responsibility for the future.
“Do you still want to proceed if this and this might be what happens next?”
When I started dating Mr.Big I had made jokes that I was now playing in the Major League of dating. That this was where the strongest players were. Where hearts were broken, lives were ruined, but also the place where the biggest of pleasures and the greatest of victories would be our rewards.
It was not a place for pussies, so to speak 😉
But although I realized there was a lot of foul play going on, and that we were all playing to win, there were still several players who insisted on playing by the rules.
Mr. Big.
Me.
And we would protect the newbies, anyone just entering the game, until they had decided if they wanted to stay. And we’d help them get their defenses up.
We were fair players, and that’s what we taught others.
Each in our own way.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

If you want to receive the next blog post though, the subscribe button is somewhere on the right.
or follow Twitter ; or Facebook

I Know It is the sixth chapter from Project M. 

tenth anniversary of the book that changed my life!

Summer 2008 I started writing in English.
Dutch American Diary 
Just like now, I was in love with two men. And just like now, they were both taken.
And – yes, just like now –  I had no idea where life would take me.
This 2008 diary became the only thing that offered stability during a time where I had just left my partner after fourteen years and the two new men were driving me crazy.
A book about starting over in your mid-thirties and reinventing yourself as a lover;
As a woman;
And as a vengeful fury from hell.

Als je Nederlands bent is 22 erotische verhalen een aanrader.
Maar je kunt natuurlijk ook gewoon de hele shop leegkopen.

BOOK SHOP

These are my English titles:
Dutch American Diary 2008-2009  €15
LS Diary 2012-2013                                € 10
Bedtime Stories 2014                            €15
Mirage 2014                                               €5
Big, diaries and erotica 2015-2016 € 20
Get a 25% discount on all prices in the shop.
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

De volgende Nederlandse boeken
zijn ook op voorraad bij boekhandel de Feeks in Nijmegen
verzending gratis v.a. € 17,50

Het Boek Benjamin           € 45
verzameld werk NL en Engels.
Het enige boek dat hier niet inzit is Witte Tijgerin, dus mijn andere Nederlandse boeken zitten hier wél in.

Mango                                 €15
coming of age novelle

22 erotische verhalen   € 15
literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin

Witte Tijgerin                  €5
gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie

Feeling sick with a mixture of worry, excitement and butterflies in her stomach, Lauren goes over to see her lover Big.
She will not eat any of the food she brings.

I rang the bell to the apartment, unclear about what I was going to say, or even hoping for.
Just that I knew I was in even worse shape than when I had texted Big that I needed to see him.
But what story was I going to tell Mr.Big?
Xavier had “warned” me that my feelings for Christopher, that I was afraid were going to influence my relationship with Big,  were probably not mutual.
The reason I use quotation marks on “warned”, is that I wasn’t bothered by them not being mutual. Feeling sick to my stomach and losing 2 kilos in a week because I couldn’t eat, was a situation I longed to end. Preferably by Christopher saying it wasn’t mutual!
And because I was already feeling horrible anyway, and because I had Big’s date to keep me occupied while waiting for Christopher’s answer, I had sent a post-midnight email to Christopher.
I told him what I thought had happened in June.
And that I was aware my feelings for him had changed.
If he didn’t have any feelings for me, and still wanted to see me, that was perfect.
In all other cases, we either needed to have a clear plan, or end things now that we still could.
It was 2 AM when I clicked send, and I had thrown up twice during. The email had been two A4, but I edited it until I had two paragraphs that were clear, and to the point.
They were not manipulative, or seductive in any way.
It was actually written in a way that he would only say “Yes” if God, The Universe and the powers that be, left him no other choice.
That’s how much resistance I felt at the thought of being someone’s secret mistress again. Or simply being part of the stress of another family.
Xavier had been wrong my biggest fear was that it wasn’t mutual.
My biggest fear was that it was.
And I wanted my life back…. my playfulness. My joy.
It had been difficult to keep my spirits up, the years that me and Big had been together. But the past months it had been a downright disaster.
Oblivious to the awakening feelings for Christopher, as well as pushing down the fact that I was getting only marginal attention from Mr.Big, I had not been holding the course.
Simply because there was no course to be held.
Everything was falling apart, and I had no idea what I was aiming for.
Not sure on where I wanted my business to go.
And now that I was aware that the two men had been playing such an important role beneath the surface, I didn’t know what I wanted with them either.
I had always felt loyal to whatever Big’s agenda was.
If he didn’t want to see me, I assumed that was necessary for him.
And I felt the same loyalty towards Christopher.
My email to Christopher had not been to influence his feelings in any way, and had made it clear that I didn’t want to continue our friendship, without making a conscious decision on this.
There was nothing more I could have done. 
And now I was going to have a breakfast date with Big. I had brought condoms, but sex was the last thing on my mind.
I was also afraid that if we had sex today, when we had discussed such an important topic, that our sex would be bad.
And that it would prove to be our last time together.
That had been my experience with other lovers.
The last sex had always been off tune. Weird. Like we were acting, pretending sex. Both feeding our own imagination, or lust for it.
And the only time when “last sex” had been good, I had found out nine months later that there had already been someone else. That destroyed any good memories about that time, and him, as well.
With those guys the only thing I ever remembered was that last time, of awkward sex. The rest had all blurred out.
I didn’t want that with Mr.Big.
Despite carrying condoms.
Mr. Big opened the door and I was so happy to see him. I felt drunk on having had maybe three hours of sleep. But he was jetlagged and probably hadn’t had much more.
He was clean and fresh, wearing jeans and a t-shirt.
Apparently he intended to stay in, or maybe he didn’t want to intimidate me wearing his suite.
He made us eggs and coffee, and had no milk in the house.
Like usual.
We sat at the table. As he was having breakfast, and I was having my coffee, black, I talked. I told him everything. Who Christopher was, what had happened, and that I had no idea if the feelings were mutual, but that I did know that for me they marked the end of an era.
The era where my feelings had been exclusively for Mr.Big.
And then I did something that I had never done in our relationship.
I asked “the question”.
First I took him back to late 2015, to the only time when he had opened up to me.
I had accidentally ran into him at an event, and he had been drinking. We went to his place, and lied on the couch, fully clothed.
I was lying on top of him, our eyes were locked and my tears just kept running.
I could see into his soul.
It had been the only time when he had said he loved me, but he had said it a thousand times. And that he had thought about leaving his wife to be with me.
“Really?” I had asked him. “I had no idea you thought about us that way.”
“Of course I do,” he said. “I m not an idiot.”
That had all been years ago and this time I had to know.
“Why are you not choosing for me?” I asked. “And why have you been neglecting me? Do you want me to go?”
I tried not to sob because I wanted the truth.
Much to my surprise he did make an attempt to answer the question. Much of it was predictable, such as me not wanting to live together.
And of course my writing, which would require working around, for privacy reasons.
But all those things had already been discussed in the past.
What was difficult to digest for me, was that there had been changes in his family situation that he had not told me about.
There had been a time window, or opportunity, where he could have chosen to see me more. And he hadn’t.
If it had not been for the fact that I had felt so clearly, on all occasions that we had been together, that he still deeply cared for me, I would have interpreted everything he said in an entirely different way.
But I felt a deeper truth, than the words he was now speaking.
I had felt, every time, that there had been love for me.
It cost me tremendous effort, to not feel I was constantly losing from his wife. To not make this into something competitive, and to feel into the fact that love was not a finite thing. Not something that needed to be rationed between people.
But it hurt none the less.
A lot.
And I so wished I had never asked, and could go back to going on intuition. To feel what he felt for me, not hear his own interpretation of it.
Which seemed to be filled with doubt.
I started sobbing uncontrollably, and said that I had expected him to give a clear answer that could help me. That he either wanted me to go away, or that he needed time to think if he wanted to choose for me.
“I guess this is just the way we are,” I cried. “You’ve never given clarity. Of course you’re not going to give it now that I need it. With the Christopher story.”
I don’t know what happened after.
Just that we melted together, and that it was the most intimate, sexual experience we ever had. It was a strange mixture of crying, and really nice, simple sex. Doggy style even.
On my request.
With me standing, leaning forward with my hands on the bed, and he was behind me.
We were using a condom, and he came from fucking. Not from oral sex, like usually. It was short and sweet. And not awkward.
When I left I told him to take his time, and that I would be okay. If Christopher and I would kiss or something, I would tell him.
If he didn’t hear anything from me, it was good news.
When I came home I found Christopher’s email.
It was a rejection, what I had described to Big as “good news”.
But at that moment the grim reality of where I was in life, the feeling that I had effectively been trying to avoid for months, sank in.
And it wasn’t good news at all.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

I think this will be the final chapter for now…
I feel empty and can’t imagine what I could possibly write about.
If you want to receive the next blog post though, the subscribe button is somewhere on the right.
or follow Twitter ; or Facebook

Think of me is the fifth chapter from Project M. 

tenth anniversary of the book that changed my life!

Summer 2008 I started writing in English.
Dutch American Diary 
Just like now, I was in love with two men. And just like now, they were both taken.
And – yes, just like now –  I had no idea where life would take me.
This 2008 diary became the only thing that offered stability during a time where I had just left my partner after fourteen years and the two new men were driving me crazy.
A book about starting over in your mid-thirties and reinventing yourself as a lover;
As a woman;
And as a vengeful fury from hell.

Als je Nederlands bent is 22 erotische verhalen een aanrader.
Maar je kunt natuurlijk ook gewoon de hele shop leegkopen.

BOOK SHOP

These are my English titles:
Dutch American Diary 2008-2009  €15
LS Diary 2012-2013                                € 10
Bedtime Stories 2014                            €15
Mirage 2014                                               €5
Big, diaries and erotica 2015-2016 € 20
Get a 25% discount on all prices in the shop.
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

De volgende Nederlandse boeken
zijn ook op voorraad bij boekhandel de Feeks in Nijmegen
verzending gratis v.a. € 17,50

Het Boek Benjamin           € 45
verzameld werk NL en Engels.
Het enige boek dat hier niet inzit is Witte Tijgerin, dus mijn andere Nederlandse boeken zitten hier wél in.

Mango                                 €15
coming of age novelle

22 erotische verhalen   € 15
literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin

Witte Tijgerin                  €5
gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie

After a night of insomnia and stress related complaints, all uncomfortably similar to warning signs of a heart attack, Lauren craves to end the suspense before it’s killing her.
She would like to tell everybody she’s in love with Christopher.
But unfortunately, no one can know..
She confides in her most discrete friend; Xavier.
But things do not go as planned.

I knew right away that I had made a mistake telling Xavier about my crush on “Christopher”.
Xavier had never told anybody about my affair with Mr.Big, but appeared to be irritated that I was about to add another secret to the pile.
It went down so badly, that I didn’t even tell Xavier who Christopher was. Even though I had intended to.
Assuming that the whole thing wasn’t fueled by jealousy, which was perhaps the wrong assumption but okay, the biggest accusation was my arrogance that I thought it was mutual.
“Why are you so convinced it’s mutual?” Xavier asked.
I truthfully replied that feelings like that are felt by both parties.
“Really? You have never heard of love not being mutual?” Xavier snarked. “That is an entirely new concept to you?”
I didn’t answer that. First of all because since Xavier didn’t seem to be expecting an answer. And secondly, because my thoughts on this would have infuriated him even more.
Which was that in my experience men were at a disadvantage here.
Women could feel a man responding. And therefor the chances that a woman developed feelings for a man who were not returned, were extremely slim.
It was one of my biggest frustrations that men couldn’t feel that.
Men would keep signaling that they were sexually interested in me, and appeared to be dumb, deaf and blind to the fact that I was not sending anything sexual back.
When I first told my mother about this, I had actually been the one roaring in contempt:
“I’m like: I know you want to sleep with me! Just have the decency to hide the damn thing”
My mother shook her head and said:
“No… this is something else. You want to have meaningful conversations with your friends. If a man is only interested in making you compliments, you lose interest.”
Losing interest had proved to be an understatement, because it irritated me greatly. But otherwise she was right.
But then again so was I.
I didn’t care if a friend wanted to sleep with me, as long as we clicked on a soul level AND he had the decency to hide his feelings from me until he felt – I still wasn’t ready to go with the Neanderthal version where men were not be able to tune in and read me – that they were mutual.
Then, and only then, my deeply-connected-on-a-soul level friend was allowed to do something really cute.
Like take my hand.
While being fully tuned in to how I was responding to that gesture.
Or my friend could say something so meaningful that it made me cry.
And offer me a box of tissues but definitely not a hug.
Or if a friend felt that I liked him, he could offer to help me with something practical.
Like fixing my bike or painting my studio.
Someone who was not helping, was Xavier.
“Is it Warren?”
Xavier had turned my revelation that for the first time in four years, I had feelings for a new man, into a common guessing game.
Warren was a senior business coach whose services I had used, when my yoga business seemed to come crashing down. After setting a clear boundary with Warren, that he was no longer allowed to give me advice, since I wasn’t paying him anymore, we were now sending each other art house film tips.
Which wasn’t that easy since I knew jack shit about art house films and didn’t particularly like them either.
Secretly I did hope Warren and I could become friends.
But by now I was getting a bit pessimistic of finding anyone who understood me. Aside from my own mother. 
“No, it’s not Warren,” I sighed. “And I m not going to tell you who it is.”
I was so angry at Xavier for being so unreasonable, that I was going to punish him by withholding him the story.
Yet I was still convinced Xavier was the right man for the job of being my confidante.
The first time I met Xavier, I thought he was a criminal, because he was revealing so little about himself. I was fascinated by him, but didn’t start trusting him until he got into a relationship and I saw he had a soft side. 
Despite our clash today, Xavier would be my backup, if Christopher ever became more than a friend. Because I needed someone to know the truth, should anything bad happen to Christopher or to me.
And I also needed someone to tell sex stories to, if they were still so fresh that I couldn’t write about them.
And in that area too, Xavier was a forgiving listener.
Xavier’s ranting was annoying, because it meant I couldn’t share my story today, and would maybe suffer another night of heart problems;
But Xavier’s behavior was not a sign that he could not be trusted.
As Frodo said when trying to figure out Strider, or Aragorn, in Lord of the Rings:
“If he was one of the enemy, he would look fairer and…well, feel fouler.”
Xavier did not feel foul.
After my slightly disappointing date with Xavier I went to the yogastudio. I had originally intended to choose for my writing and quit teaching yoga altogether, and had spent two weeks making arrangements to transfer the studio to someone else.
Only to come to the conclusion that it was much more practical if I kept it on.
The reason was that in order for my writing business to be fully functional, and not wanting to share my house address with the Chamber of Commerce, I had to have a business location.
And because I didn’t need another office or writing space because I wrote at home. So the location I would rent may as well be a yogastudio.
At least I could make some money back on it.
So now I was busy making arrangements to cancel all cancellations, take all the posts down that we were closing, think about my new offers, and debrief all potential candidates that the studio was no longer on the market.
I would no longer offer a full studio program, nor work nights:
But I did intend to start teaching privates and a few small classes.
Back at the studio, I did the dishes and cleaned the floors, and planned the rest of my day. I asked a friend if she wanted to join me for a film Warren had recommended.
And she did, so that was cool.
Mr.Big had not replied to my A.M. text. Which was so disappointing. I really wanted to see him. Our affair was going through a rough time. This year we had had sex on several occasions, but our meetups were almost random encounters.
He barely made time for me.
Not that the sex was bad, not at all. And sometimes we even saw each other without sex.
But we were nowhere near to the wonderful dating routine we had in place for about three years prior. Where he would cook me dinner, and we would play sex games that stretched body and mind so to speak.
The graphic images of what we did, and all the stuff I would still want to do with him, just haunt me these days.
I started masturbating on something other than Big. Other men or specific situations with anonymous, faceless people.
The reason I put in so much effort into pulling my solo-love life away from him was because our love life was already so fragile, with Mr.Big being so unavailable. I didn’t want my imaginary sex life to only feature him.
I had to have a set of sustainable masturbation fantasies, that would stay unharmed if he ever broke up with me.
Or if, which was more likely, he just stopped calling me, and dating me. And months later I would realize I had been dumped.
Enough reason to not let Mr.Big monopolize my mind.
But after a good start of reinventing my self-pleasure routines, I had regressed back to what it had always been.
Fantasy sex with Mr.Big.
At night I saw the friend and it was so great to see her.
I told her what had happened between me and Christopher.
Not as specific as I could have done with Xavier, but it was nonetheless soothing to be able to tell the truth. To share how Christopher had given me space in that elevator, in that crucial moment when Christopher and me had been in a confided space for the first time in our friendship.
Standing in the back of the elevator and leaving the doorway and the control panel to me.
“Do you know how many men screw that up?” I asked the friend. “That they stand too close, or use the elevator as an excuse to come too near?”
She’s fifteen years older than I am, and her past has been way more adventurous than mine.
Of course she fucking knew. 
“He’s a real man, Lauren,” she said. “You got yourself a real, mature, man.”
It was my second art house film within a week. And this film too, was way too dark for me.
Two movies about men obsessed with violence was definitely too much.
And no one got laid.
I got home right before midnight.
When I took my phone out of my handbag, I saw I had a message from Mr.Big.
“Hi Baby Bee, Sorry to read you’re not doing well. Of course you can come over. My plane just landed, and I ll sleep at the condo. Would you like to come for breakfast tomorrow? Love, B.”
Maybe someone was going to get laid after all.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

To find out what happens next (I would like to know too!) follow this blog. The subscribe button is somewhere on the right.
or follow Twitter ; or Facebook

Everybody is the fourth chapter from Project M. 

tenth anniversary of the book that changed my life!

Summer 2008 I started writing in English.
Dutch American Diary 
Just like now, I was in love with two men. And just like now, they were both taken.
And – yes, just like now –  I had no idea where life would take me.
This 2008 diary became the only thing that offered stability during a time where I had just left my partner after fourteen years and the two new men were driving me crazy.
A book about starting over in your mid-thirties and reinventing yourself as a lover;
As a woman;
And as a vengeful fury from hell.

Als je Nederlands bent is 22 erotische verhalen een aanrader.
Maar je kunt natuurlijk ook gewoon de hele shop leegkopen.

BOOK SHOP

These are my English titles:
Dutch American Diary 2008-2009  €15
LS Diary 2012-2013                                € 10
Bedtime Stories 2014                            €15
Mirage 2014                                               €5
Big, diaries and erotica 2015-2016 € 20
Get a 25% discount on all prices in the shop.
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

De volgende Nederlandse boeken
zijn ook op voorraad bij boekhandel de Feeks in Nijmegen
verzending gratis v.a. € 17,50

Het Boek Benjamin           € 45
verzameld werk NL en Engels.
Het enige boek dat hier niet inzit is Witte Tijgerin, dus mijn andere Nederlandse boeken zitten hier wél in.

Mango                                 €15
coming of age novelle

22 erotische verhalen   € 15
literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin

Witte Tijgerin                  €5
gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie

Technically? Lauren is still faithful in her secret affair with the married Mr.Big. But now that she’s fallen in love with her friend Christopher, the impenetrable shield of her monogamy is showing the first signs of wear.

I thought I could do this….
Just let it be.
Not tell Christopher how I feel, and not tempt another married man into starting an affair. Hell, with my body’s current tantrum, I don’t even know if I can have an affair again!
And be a mistress.
Even if I broke up with Mr.Big to simplify things, and then Christopher and me had time to start our affair, or just get to know each other better really…
It strikes me how little I know of him, and how private he has always been. 
But even then?
Could I go through this rollercoaster ride of having a secret lover?
Am I really a mistress, like I ve always claimed I am?
Am I someone who will not get her “fix”, will not stay interested, and will walk out bored unless the stakes are high, the secrecy is killing, and emotions are rampant?
“Yes, you are,” Mister Big would say.
He was the first to point out that my phobias for std’s (or you could say a phobia for social exclusion really) that I had been suffering since I was a teenager, had altered the very nature of my sexuality.
That I simply couldn’t be at the level of normalness and intimacy, that were the cornerstone of normal relationships. I needed the high, and the adrenaline of being in love, and of it being a secret affair.
So because I was unsure of what I wanted, and also because I didn’t want to influence Christopher, I decided I wouldn’t do anything.
Not about my relationship with Mr.Big, which had been marginalized really. And not by me. 
I would say nothing to Christopher, because I was 99% sure that he had felt something too. And that once I would say something about it, it would be a real thing.
If he was still in denial, I wasn’t going to ruin his life by enlightening him.
So I had already made up my mind. I knew what was the right thing to do. But when I got to bed and I got pain in my left arm (which is the side related to your heart) and a panic attack. A sickening feeling.
“What was I thinking?” I wondered.
There was no way was going to keep this up.
I longed for clarity, with all my heart. I wanted to express what I was feeling. I wondered if I had a friend, someone I could trust..
And I also wanted to tell Mr.Big what had happened. And ask him what he wanted, and why he had let it slip between us.
Did he really want me to turn my back on him and move on with my life?
Because then now would be a good time to say so.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

To find out what happens next (I would like to know too!) follow this blog. The subscribe button is somewhere on the right.
or follow Twitter ; or Facebook

Burning Up is the third chapter from Project M. 

tenth anniversary of the book that changed my life!

Summer 2008 I started writing in English.
Dutch American Diary 
Just like now, I was in love with two men. And just like now, they were both taken.
And – yes, just like now –  I had no idea where life would take me.
This 2008 diary became the only thing that offered stability during a time where I had just left my partner after fourteen years and the two new men were driving me crazy.
A book about starting over in your mid-thirties and reinventing yourself as a lover;
As a woman;
And as a vengeful fury from hell.

Als je Nederlands bent is 22 erotische verhalen een aanrader.
Maar je kunt natuurlijk ook gewoon de hele shop leegkopen.

BOOK SHOP

These are my English titles:
Dutch American Diary 2008-2009  €15
LS Diary 2012-2013                                € 10
Bedtime Stories 2014                            €15
Mirage 2014                                               €5
Big, diaries and erotica 2015-2016 € 20
Get a 25% discount on all prices in the shop.
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

De volgende Nederlandse boeken
zijn ook op voorraad bij boekhandel de Feeks in Nijmegen
verzending gratis v.a. € 17,50

Het Boek Benjamin           € 45
verzameld werk NL en Engels.
Het enige boek dat hier niet inzit is Witte Tijgerin, dus mijn andere Nederlandse boeken zitten hier wél in.

Mango                                 €15
coming of age novelle

22 erotische verhalen   € 15
literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin

Witte Tijgerin                  €5
gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie

At first I thought this was a married-man thing.
That my resistance towards sharing my new feelings with my married friend Christopher, had to do with the fact that I didn’t want to tempt him into breaking his vows, cheating on his wife, ruining his life.
I m a firm believer that the responsibility for cheating is with the cheating party.
Not with the mistress.
I m making this a him=cheater/ her=mistress story.
But gender doesn’t have anything to do with it; this is just a reflection of my situation.
I ve been a mistress to Mr.Big since 2015, but it started out as something that happened to me. I didn’t choose it. Later on I embraced the identity, and recognized it as my own.
But another important characteristic of our affair was that Mr.Big chased me. Not the other way around.
So I never felt responsible for doing anything “to him”.
Because it was his choice.
But with Christopher, I am the one who has fallen for a married man, and he doesn’t know that.
So 2015:
A married Mr.Big wanted me, wooed me, and when I fell in love it was a done deal.
And 2018:
I m in love with married Christopher, and I m unsure if I want to woo him, or close the deal.
If I could trust that he’s completely repulsed by the idea of me, or the idea of cheating, then I would tell him. And we could laugh it off, and it would be really funny to have him rejecting me.
I m sure he’d say that I should get some horny 25 year old, not a man his age.
Or that he’s a lousy lay.
It would be fun, and afterwards we could continue our friendship carefree.
But chances that Christopher is that certain, are slim.
And then we get into a whole bunch of scenarios, that are actually very much influenced by the fact that I ve told him about my feelings, or that I ve facilitated nearness, contact, time together, hoping that he’d use it to make his move.
For example:
What if he does have feelings for me, but chooses to stay faithful?
In that case, me making it easy for him to start an affair, means I’m responsible for his cheating. Because he would have contained himself, as long as I hadn’t pushed it.
Or he has feelings for me but he chooses not to persue it because he feels insecure, and believes I won’t answer them.
AHA!
And that’s when I had my lightbulb moment.
That’s when I saw, very clearly, how this entire “do I tell him or not” – question didn’t have anything to do with Christopher being married! That I would do well, to never EVER facilitate nearness, and to always play hard to get.
Because I NEED A MAN TO BE SECURE.
If a man is too insecure to pursue me, then things are not going to work out in the bedroom.
I had this conversation on Twitter, explaining that I need a man to “read” me, because if I have to talk him through hitting on me, then things are not going to work out between the sheets.
Then the roles are set, with me constantly telling him how I want to be touched, fucked, and what mental games I like to play, so that I don’t have to bruise his ego by correcting him afterwards.
And I m going to hold that against him.
I m going to hate him for not understanding me, for having to take initiative, for making me go through lengths so that this whole thing can be a riskfree ride for him.
Yuck.
I need a man to take risks….
I will never tell a man that I m in love with him and that my defenses are paper-thin, and that he’ll find me dripping wet because I want to see him leaping, taking a chance, and being fucking prepared to fail miserably.
And when I say that I want a man to read me, what I m really saying is:
I want him to pay attention, as if I m a game that he wants to figure out in order to win it.
If he can’t do that, because he’s not smart enough, or bold enough, or because he’s afraid I ll reject him?
Then he’s not my guy!
It really is so freaking simple.
I dated for eight years, before I ran into Mr.Big. And in those eight years the biggest “mistake” if you want, I made, was that I put tremendous effort into dating and trying to like a potential partner, and turning a blind eye on everything I didn’t like;
All in order to get laid.
All in order to have sex.
Sex that was good, or even great. But what kept nagging me was that I was the one putting in all the effort.
I was the one who managed our courtship, who worked around his ego, who facilitated, and made things easy. And by the time I finally got what I wanted I think I was almost vengeful, and I was extremely angry if it stayed at having sex just a couple of times.
I was like:
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH I INVESTED TO MAKE THIS HAPPEN?!
And yet…
And I know this is going to sound strange.
But do you know, that for a long time I ve said that I would do it again if I had to?
That I would do what it took to have some sort of a sex life, while being single. Even if it meant that I had to build the entire thing with my own two hands and a lot of imagination, and all he had to do was play the role that fit him like a glove because I had not picked a part for him that was too hard.
I had created something that suited his talents, and stayed within his comfort zone.
For a long time I did think I would do that again, if Big would break up with me, and I would be single.
Until a few weeks back I realized:
No.
Never.
I d rather not have sex, than to ever lower my standards and make things easier for a man.
I need him to stand up for what he wants.
I need him to be able to take rejection.
And I need him to read me, and just know what type of rejection I m giving him:
Is it because I m really not interested.
Or because he scares me, because I m overwhelmed by emotions for him and that my No means that:
This is scary as fuck.
And if he doesn’t understand all of those things?
Or he can’t take being rejected?
And he doesn’t see conquering me as a challenge?
Then I m better off without him.
And he’s most definitely better off without me.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

PS:
In addition to the post: Another reason I m not telling, is because being in love is a fragile thing. Just like wanting sex: I can drop out of it easily.
If I would say I was in love with him, I would suggest it’s a done deal. When I still need him to work for it.

To find out what happens next (I would like to know too!) follow this blog. The subscribe button is somewhere on the right.
Follow Twitter ; or Facebook

tenth anniversary of the book that changed my life!

Summer 2008 I started writing in English.
Dutch American Diary 
Just like now, I was in love with two men. And just like now, they were both taken.
And – yes, just like now –  I had no idea where life would take me.
This 2008 diary became the only thing that offered stability during a time where I had just left my partner after fourteen years and the two new men were driving me crazy.
A book about starting over in your mid-thirties and reinventing yourself as a lover;
As a woman;
And as a vengeful fury from hell.

Als je Nederlands bent is 22 erotische verhalen een aanrader.
Maar je kunt natuurlijk ook gewoon de hele shop leegkopen.

BOOK SHOP

These are my English titles:
Dutch American Diary 2008-2009  €15
LS Diary 2012-2013                                € 10
Bedtime Stories 2014                            €15
Mirage 2014                                               €5
Big, diaries and erotica 2015-2016 € 20
Get a 25% discount on all prices in the shop.
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

De volgende Nederlandse boeken
zijn ook op voorraad bij boekhandel de Feeks in Nijmegen
verzending gratis v.a. € 17,50

Het Boek Benjamin           € 45
verzameld werk NL en Engels.
Het enige boek dat hier niet inzit is Witte Tijgerin, dus mijn andere Nederlandse boeken zitten hier wél in.

Mango                                 €15
coming of age novelle

22 erotische verhalen   € 15
literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin

Witte Tijgerin                  €5
gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie

I never talked much about Christopher. If I said anything to anyone at all.
He was “just” one of the many men I call friends, or dates. I saw less of him than I hoped for. Twice a year tops.
And he always paid for dinner, even though we were just friends and not romantically involved.
At least that is what I thought until the truth hit me, an hour ago.
That I was even aware of how little I saw of him, and that I wanted more, should have been a first sign that my feelings for him had been more than friendly.
But I didn’t notice.
Even now that I know I still can’t believe it.
Any of it!
I can’t believe that I missed my feelings for Christopher. 
Even though my whole life has come crashing down this summer, I failed to see the explosion that caused it. Or maybe it was more a self-destructive response where I tore my business down in frustration because I was so uncomfortable that it wasn’t doing well.
And that not being financially secure made me an ineligible partner. 
Or maybe shutting down my business was just me taking out the internal battle I was going through.
I craved for control. Something I didn’t have with him.
It was much easier to focus on realigning a business than our friendship.
But still, what was I thinking? How did I manage to miss it? 
Did I actually believe I had turned into an entrepreneur? Did I really think that suddenly, at 46 years old, I had started caring about fucking business?
Really?
Without a powerful sexual motive behind it?
Had I not learned that love made me fearless, grinning, strong, slightly aggressive, but Oh. So. Bold!
When in love I was capable of doing things, claiming things, stating things, and aiming higher than ever.
Of course redoing my entire life didn’t have anything to do with me suddenly being a changed woman! 
There is a post on this blog that I want to become the first Dutch writer (well I write in English, but I am Dutch) who makes a million a year from her writing.
And I just reread that to get the link inserted here, and that is powerful stuff!
But it’s a direct result of the energy I have been receiving the last couple of months from being in love. Without noticing it!
I was completely clueless.
Like I said, I still can’t believe it. 
I’m like: “Him? Noooooo.”
We’ve known each other for years, he seems an unlikely candidate.
We never flirt, and we don’t talk about sex. He will occasionally shake his head that I put up with Mr.Big. He knows me being a mistress is a given, but he’s clearly biting his tongue, I can see it.
And I don’t ask about his wife either. Nor do I ask him if he’s ever cheated. I feel it wouldn’t be fair, since I would like him to be unfaithful just to prove that I am right, and that married people are wrong.
There is a childish, competitive side to our friendship I suppose.
He ll say things like: “Well as long as you re happy.”
Which infuriates me because I would never say something like that to him.
Maybe the subdued rivalry towards his wife and Mr.Big were the second sign something was up. 
For almost four years now, I ve been in love with my lover Mr.Big. And I ve never felt THIS, for another man.
My feelings have been exclusive to Mr.Big.
In all fairness, Mr.Big has kind of been asking for this to happen. We do still have sex, on occasion. But our last proper date, where proper stands for planned in advance and including dinner, must have been last year already.
I felt I got demoted from mistress to booty call.
Now don’t get me wrong: I don’t mean that he’s thinking less of me. His feelings for me have not changed. 
The last time we hugged, our bodies clung to each other as if they were two needy entities who were shrieking at us:
“WHY DON’T WE GET THIS MORE OFTEN!!! NOOOOO!!!! DON’T TAKE US APART ALREADY!”
A clothed hug but a desperate hug.
So no, I know there isn’t less emotion on his side, nor on mine.
Just that apparently he can’t bring himself to make time for me like he used to. Maybe the strain of leading a double life is taking its toll on him. He might feel guiltier if he planned on seeing me, and less guilty if it’s a quickie.
As if he can rationalize it as a chance encounter, something that shouldn’t have happened.
I don’t know.
But I’ve been aware that it wouldn’t go on like this forever.
Big and me are not the breakup kind. Whenever we tried, we were both miserable and got back together soon.
If we ever breakup we ll most likely become friends. I m not expecting any drama, although that too can be a dangerous thing..
I don’t want to think of the possibility of him breaking up with me. 
That’s another possible reason why I ve been so rough with my business.
The thought that Big’s meager dating routine actually did mean something. A daunting thought. And that I destroyed my own company, so that I didn’t have to feel that.
That I externalized my pain.
Or maybe my extreme emotional behavior was caused by both of them. That Christopher and Mr.Big had been like the sun and the moon causing spring tide, when the range between ebb and flow is the greatest.
The highs are higher and the lows are lower.
I ve definitely had that going on for the past two months. 
Maybe the emotional rollercoaster will slow down, now that I ve discovered its hidden generators. The two men, with whom I try to cope by taking my business down.
I did also consider taking my own life, but that had nothing to do with them. It was on one of the two low points. One low point was a Monday night when I was clearing out my closet and found all the things that reminded me so much of my deceased cats Max and Willem. I just sat there on the couch, crying. Holding their passports.
The low point when I got suicidal thoughts was when I was sending in my application for a job everybody told me to accept. That it would be such a great opportunity for me.
I withdrew my application and the crying stopped, and so did the destructive thoughts.
But what I failed to see was that my business suicide had been in progress for a while already. Just that nobody thought I would actually do it.
Kill a business that had taken me fifteen years to build.

Christopher and me on our last date.
Like usual, he picked me up from the station, and walked us to the restaurant I liked. It was more a pub, with steaks and loud music.
But I liked it there.
On our way back, he pointed to a new high rise.
“That’s where I work now.”
It was matter-of-factly, and I didn’t believe him.
I don’t know why I didn’t.
We never really talked about work.
“Seriously?” I asked.
“Yes, I know where I work.”
We walked on, and I think I even started a whole new conversation, but it kept buzzing in my head.
“Do you have your security pass on you?” I asked.
“Why? You want to go in?”
“Yes”.
And I was aware that I had just asked my platonic friend, to take me to a deserted building. If this was going to end with me being raped I would have a poor #metoo case. Maybe that’s what excited me.. 
But I think it was something else.
Because I did trust he wouldn’t suddenly turn into an ax yielding rapist. In retrospect I think I wanted to see if he was worthy, or if he would overstep my boundaries. But despite him being the one on trial, I was the one who was nervous.
Or maybe he was too, but he didn’t show it.
He got us in, and the hallway was majestic, with shops, a fountain, benches, trees in pots. Everything was closed, but it must have been a crowded place during the day.
We took a glass elevator, to the eighth floor. A floor with cubicles, where Christopher worked. Which surprised me because I had expected him to be someone who had a room to himself.
I tried to figure out if management had their own office. If it had been Christophers decision to work on the floor, or if it was company policy.
“Want to see the top floor?”
It was a neutral question. Christopher had been keeping his cool for the entire tour.
Second elevator ride, moving further up.
Just like the first time he made sure to be the first to go into the elevator, and waited in the back. Staying free from the doorway and leaving the control panel to me.
I pressed the top button.
The top floor was a large space with a modern, clean look and chunky sofas.
With a breathtaking view of the skyline.
I felt enchanted by the whole situation. The view over the city by night. The mysterious room; Christopher had not put on any lights.
He stayed clear from me, wasn’t following me around. Wasn’t playing with his phone either. I was skipping up and down with excitement, exclaiming over and over how happy I was to be there, and how great it was.
He was just smiling.
As if he knew he had passed.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

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tenth anniversary of the book that changed my life!

Summer 2008 I started writing in English.
Dutch American Diary 
Just like now, I was in love with two men. And just like now, they were both taken.
And – yes, just like now –  I had no idea where life would take me.
This 2008 diary became the only thing that offered stability during a time where I had just left my partner after fourteen years and the two new men were driving me crazy.
A book about starting over in your mid-thirties and reinventing yourself as a lover;
As a woman;
And as a vengeful fury from hell.

Als je Nederlands bent is 22 erotische verhalen een aanrader.
Maar je kunt natuurlijk ook gewoon de hele shop leegkopen.

BOOK SHOP

These are my English titles:
Dutch American Diary 2008-2009  €15
LS Diary 2012-2013                                € 10
Bedtime Stories 2014                            €15
Mirage 2014                                               €5
Big, diaries and erotica 2015-2016 € 20
Get a 25% discount on all prices in the shop.
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

De volgende Nederlandse boeken
zijn ook op voorraad bij boekhandel de Feeks in Nijmegen
verzending gratis v.a. € 17,50

Het Boek Benjamin           € 45
verzameld werk NL en Engels.
Het enige boek dat hier niet inzit is Witte Tijgerin, dus mijn andere Nederlandse boeken zitten hier wél in.

Mango                                 €15
coming of age novelle

22 erotische verhalen   € 15
literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin

Witte Tijgerin                  €5
gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie