Lauren has stepped up her game, posting a daily video on YouTube about how to be a good mistress.
Until it dawns on her, that she has broken one of the cardinal rules, last time she had sex with Mr.Big.
And hasn’t heard from him since.
I knew it, I knew it, I knew it.
As much I like to think I can prevent history repeating by learning from past experiences, ultimately you can’t change a fuck about anything.
Not in a positive way.
Nor in a negative way.
If someone is meant to be your friend, you can behave like a true asshole and yet somehow you will end up back together.
And the same thing is true for when there’s a mismatch:
you can tiptoe around their sensitivities but they will feel insulted or unwelcome anyway.
Best give it up entirely, if you think about it.
However these were not my thoughts last week, when I went over to see Big for a let’s call it “troublesome” breakfast date. Mr.Big had been holding out on me, only asking me for small encounters or dates in public places.
We had one proper date this entire year.
I m not sure.
Anyway, it had kind of been bothering me for a while, and yet it still came as a surprise to me that I fell in love with someone else.
By now I do have things sorted out with Christopher, and he has told me we cannot see each other anymore. Apparently it had been a surprise to him as well.
But I didn’t know that yet when I went over to see Mr.Big.
And either way I wanted to know what Big’s position was on this. The curiosity, or maybe “obsession”, over what had been going on in his life, and why he didn’t want to see me as often and for as long as he used to, had been killing me for months. Being in love with someone else gave me a good reason to ask questions I normally wouldn’t ask.
But I was aware that me pushing things, was going to make this morning a likely candidate to be our last.
Or worse; that we would have what should have been loving makeup sex.
But that it was incomplete, icky sex, where we acted as if we still wanted each other.
He wouldn’t tune into me, the way he had been doing for the past three and a half year.
And already in love with someone else, I wouldn’t respond to him, as fully as I always had.
It would not be makeup sex at all, but our last time. And the experience would stain everything we had had.
I didn’t want that.
So that was why although I was carrying condoms, I had no intention of having sex. It was the safest way to avoid another icky, out-of-tune, last-time breakup sex experience.
Something I had plenty of.
So I went over to see him, and told him I was in love with someone else, and that this made it relevant for me to know why he had not been wanting to see me the way he used to.
Why we had so little sex.
And that I could feel he still wanted me, and cared deeply for me, which made it even more confusing.
I got an answer, but it wasn’t the clear-cut answer I was hoping for. Maybe that had been unrealistic to expect, considering our affair had never been a clear-cut anything. And in a way it was one of the many things I appreciated about it.
We didn’t have weekly scheduled time together or anything.
I never knew where I stood.
And I fricking loved it.
So of course he wasn’t going to suddenly, magically, lift the veil and allow me to look into the depths of his soul as to what his motivation had been.
And we had sex.
And it was wonderful.
Even if this would prove to be our last time together, it would have been a good one.
But there was one moment during sex where I lost it.. kind of. I was still “on the lookout” so to speak, to not let this turn into a negative last-time experience. And now that we were about to have wonderful sex, there really was only one way this could turn sour, in hindsight.
Which was if he would breakup and get another mistress, or divorce and get another girlfriend, and me finding out that this woman had already been in his life at that very moment we were having our really-great-non-icky-in-retrospect-breakup-sex.
And somehow I forgot everything I knew about being a good mistress and asked him.
“I have to know: Is there someone else? Have you been seeing someone else?”
We were still half clothed, but physically we were way past the point where it was comfortable to return. I asked it at a moment when you should never ask questions like that.
It was that Paradise by the Dashboard Light moment, where someone will answer any way they have to, in order not to ruin the moment, and have sex.
So he answered: “What? No!”
And I was relieved.
I don’t know if I believed him, but when I asked that question I was just so aware that I didn’t want to ask it. I didn’t want to be a woman who felt she had a right to know what he did when he wasn’t with her.
That’s what wives do.
Or inexperienced mistresses, who didn’t have a clue how to play the game.
But I was a Good Mistress.
I had studied this shit. I knew EXACTLY what I was doing, and yet I lost it. I slipped. Right at the moment when I thought we had made it through, and had avoided all bad scenarios imaginable, I overplayed my hand by wanting to prevent that one last scenario – of him already seeing someone else.
Whether he had spoken the truth or not hardly mattered.
My question proved that I could turn into doing the wifely thing in the blink of an eye. That my mistress side was a charade, a mask, that I knew how to wear.
But that could come off any second.
And underneath, I was just like all the others.
An unexamined life is not worth living
Stay is the thirteenth chapter from Project M.
tenth anniversary of the book that changed my life!
Summer 2008 I started writing in English.
Dutch American Diary
Just like now, I was in love with two men. And just like now, they were both taken.
And – yes, just like now – I had no idea where life would take me.
This 2008 diary became the only thing that offered stability during a time where I had just left my partner after fourteen years and the two new men were driving me crazy.
A book about starting over in your mid-thirties and reinventing yourself as a lover;
As a woman;
And as a vengeful fury from hell.
These are my English titles:
Dutch American Diary 2008-2009 €15
LS Diary 2012-2013 € 10
Bedtime Stories 2014 €15
Mirage 2014 €5
Big, diaries and erotica 2015-2016 € 20
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coming of age novelle
22 erotische verhalen € 15
literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin
Witte Tijgerin €5
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