Lauren’s creativity coach asks her what “Madonna” means, at the very root of Lauren’s drawing of a Creativity Tree.
And in the process, she sets off Lauren’s ambition to rule the world.
The biggest difference between Sara my creativity coach and my last business coach Warren, was that Sara first saw me dressed only in a pink bikini that couldn’t even be considered proper swimwear.
We had our first video call scheduled in the middle of a heat wave and the temperature in the house was over 30 degrees celcius. I immediately apologized for what no coach should have to see. Especially not on a first appointment.
But in retrospect, I think I sold myself short.
First of all because all my other coaches had been men, and I had never experienced any trouble with heterosexual men not enjoying a scantily dressed female body.
And secondly because we had now found “I have no shame” Madonna as the driving force behind everything I had done, or had aspired to be, since the age of 13.
With the exception of the times Madonna had been married and had cleaned up her act. During which we both went our separate ways.
“I never considered myself a fan in the eighties,” I told Sara. “I loved Madonna, especially Desperately Seeking Susan. But she was famous for six months or something, and then she cleaned up her act for Sean Penn.
Out of all people, right?
You clean yourself up for Sean Penn?”
But reinventing herself a lady had of course little to do with Madonna’s misbehaving actor husband. And everything with Madonna herself.
She wanted to be someone else.
It took until 1990 for me to get on the Madonna wagon, with the movie Dick Tracey and the controversial video for Justify my Love which in hindsight was the starting point of a five year long Sex Era.
And having stood by her then, I was so convinced she was my woman, that I even stuck through the Evita phase.
And the children’s-books-author- English-countryside phase.
Because eventually, she always came back to stripping down to her version of a tiny pink bikini, and stir shit up.
Sara and me deciphered that it had probably been Madonna’s shape shifting, which had caused me to miss out on spending the eighties with her, that had been the reason I worshiped the ground she walked on.
My desire to change had been why I had experienced teaching yoga as so limiting. I had felt I was being paid to stay the same.
Or to at least to let my change be small enough so that I would still teach the same yoga, at the same time, year in year out.
It wasn’t because I had not liked teaching yoga, that I had ended my career.
But because I had been doing it like everybody else.
If I were to ever return to making a living out of it, I would have to find a way to do it my way.
More like a performance, a series of classes with a certain theme or style. But just like a tour, it would always have to end. And there could never be any expectations as to what I would be doing next.
I needed freedom to start again.
And there was another similarity Sara pointed out to me. And she used a word that I don’t think even existed until Sara used it yesterday.
Sara pointed out that I had a nick for being sexually disruptive.
Oh my God! How cool is that!
And so true.
Indeed, I can be disruptive in many areas, and with regard to many things. But I am never more passionate than when I rock the boat of sexuality.
And offer an entirely new idea instead.
My sexual orientation is that of a mistress. I have no doubt about that. Sexual tension and secrecy are requirements for me, and I desire to have only one partner. Those preferences can only be met as someone’s secret mistress.
So I AM THAT.
But my God what a great disruptive role to play!
Not only do I feel compelled to point out to other potential mistresses, that they should stop trying to fit into a box that is never going to fit.
But I also believe that as a society we need to put the mistress back into the equation, if we want to get long and lasting marriages.
The mistress, as well as the cheating husband, and even to an extend the betrayed wife, can all belong to the same bigger picture where everybody gets what they want, and nobody gets hurt.
Once we get passed the idea of condemning the mistress for what she is, we can train good mistresses that are a blessing to all.
So the disruptive part of my sexual orientation, really does come naturally to me. And it is no coincidence that I am most drawn to Madonna when she’s being sexually disruptive, and can feel myself moving away from her at times when she seems to be conforming.
And Sara also pointed out how I need the tension of my sexuality, or the angst it has been creating my life. I need it in order to write.
Happily ever after would be the end of the story, end of my writing.
“Maybe that’s why I continue to come back to the idea of a second lover,” I agreed with Sara.
“I keep having this idea that I should have two lovers. Even though it’s unpractical, and not a full fit with my sexuality. But it’s probably the writer in me who wants that.”
If I had two lovers instead of one, I would have double as much stuff to write about.
And a slimmer chance one would choose for me, and we would ruin the story.
We briefly talked about the fact that it was not ideal, to be dependent on men for my writing.
Which I described as:
“I write so much easier, if I know that at some point somebody is going to get laid.”
But there was one exception.
And this too had to do with Madonna being the root cause of everything I had called Life since when I was 13.
Because even though Madonna had forbid journalists to ask her about this all throughout the eighties and presumably most of the nineties as well;
And all those around her were not allowed to talk about it either;
In one aspect of my life, Madonna had been the only person inspiring me, up until I was way over forty.
Now naturally this was not sex!
As important as sex is in my life, as well as for my writing, I can’t contribute that solely to Madonna. I have been a sexual being from when I was five years old, or younger.
I was born for it, so to speak.
But the area where Madonna had been the sole inspirator, had been her ambition. Her career, which she had managed herself, when all pop stars from her generation had left it to their managers, to record companies and so on.
And she switched managers and labels, whenever she could upgrade going to someone else.
She was ruthless.
And she was also in total control.
Her ambition had been so blatantly obvious in everything she did, it didn’t matter that she didn’t speak about it. It showed!
And it inspired.
“When I think of making a career from writing, I don’t need men,” I told Sara. “It’s like, in 2006 I broke up my relationship, because I wanted to fall in love and have those experiences of first time sex.
And that’s when I started writing.
I wrote about what I wanted, and how I developed myself.
And ultimately, I got it.
So that’s why I know that if I set out to make a career out of writing, I can do it. And when I feel that, the reality of that, I don’t give a fuck if I have two lovers, or none. I am completely in the zone.”
And I showed her a page in my notebook, that I laid open on my keyboard every night so that it would be the first thing I would read every morning before turning on the computer.
“These are the three things I want to do every day.”
1. write a blog post,
2. make a Madonna yoga video (Dutch account)
3. one hour of finance and sales activities.
“That’s it!” Sara said. “Own your ambition! Just like Madonna. Writing about being a mistress can bring you where you want to go.”
Where I wanted to go was circled with a bright red marker.
I had hesitated to show it to Sara, but ultimately I had.
Because it showed that this really was on my mind, and that I wasn’t bullshitting her when I said that my career made me so excited I even forgot my lovers.
The circled statement, that I had on my desk and that inspired me every morning before I got to work was:
“I DECIDE LS Harteveld is FAMOUS AND WEALTHY AS FUCK.”
An unexamined life is not worth living
Material Girl is the eleventh chapter from Project M.
tenth anniversary of the book that changed my life!
Summer 2008 I started writing in English.
Dutch American Diary
Just like now, I was in love with two men. And just like now, they were both taken.
And – yes, just like now – I had no idea where life would take me.
This 2008 diary became the only thing that offered stability during a time where I had just left my partner after fourteen years and the two new men were driving me crazy.
A book about starting over in your mid-thirties and reinventing yourself as a lover;
As a woman;
And as a vengeful fury from hell.
These are my English titles:
Dutch American Diary 2008-2009 €15
LS Diary 2012-2013 € 10
Bedtime Stories 2014 €15
Mirage 2014 €5
Big, diaries and erotica 2015-2016 € 20
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