Feeling sick with a mixture of worry, excitement and butterflies in her stomach, Lauren goes over to see her lover Big.
She will not eat any of the food she brings.
I rang the bell to the apartment, unclear about what I was going to say, or even hoping for.
Just that I knew I was in even worse shape than when I had texted Big that I needed to see him.
But what story was I going to tell Mr.Big?
Xavier had “warned” me that my feelings for Christopher, that I was afraid were going to influence my relationship with Big, were probably not mutual.
The reason I use quotation marks on “warned”, is that I wasn’t bothered by them not being mutual. Feeling sick to my stomach and losing 2 kilos in a week because I couldn’t eat, was a situation I longed to end. Preferably by Christopher saying it wasn’t mutual!
And because I was already feeling horrible anyway, and because I had Big’s date to keep me occupied while waiting for Christopher’s answer, I had sent a post-midnight email to Christopher.
I told him what I thought had happened in June.
And that I was aware my feelings for him had changed.
If he didn’t have any feelings for me, and still wanted to see me, that was perfect.
In all other cases, we either needed to have a clear plan, or end things now that we still could.
It was 2 AM when I clicked send, and I had thrown up twice during. The email had been two A4, but I edited it until I had two paragraphs that were clear, and to the point.
They were not manipulative, or seductive in any way.
It was actually written in a way that he would only say “Yes” if God, The Universe and the powers that be, left him no other choice.
That’s how much resistance I felt at the thought of being someone’s secret mistress again. Or simply being part of the stress of another family.
Xavier had been wrong my biggest fear was that it wasn’t mutual.
My biggest fear was that it was.
And I wanted my life back…. my playfulness. My joy.
It had been difficult to keep my spirits up, the years that me and Big had been together. But the past months it had been a downright disaster.
Oblivious to the awakening feelings for Christopher, as well as pushing down the fact that I was getting only marginal attention from Mr.Big, I had not been holding the course.
Simply because there was no course to be held.
Everything was falling apart, and I had no idea what I was aiming for.
Not sure on where I wanted my business to go.
And now that I was aware that the two men had been playing such an important role beneath the surface, I didn’t know what I wanted with them either.
I had always felt loyal to whatever Big’s agenda was.
If he didn’t want to see me, I assumed that was necessary for him.
And I felt the same loyalty towards Christopher.
My email to Christopher had not been to influence his feelings in any way, and had made it clear that I didn’t want to continue our friendship, without making a conscious decision on this.
There was nothing more I could have done.
And now I was going to have a breakfast date with Big. I had brought condoms, but sex was the last thing on my mind.
I was also afraid that if we had sex today, when we had discussed such an important topic, that our sex would be bad.
And that it would prove to be our last time together.
That had been my experience with other lovers.
The last sex had always been off tune. Weird. Like we were acting, pretending sex. Both feeding our own imagination, or lust for it.
And the only time when “last sex” had been good, I had found out nine months later that there had already been someone else. That destroyed any good memories about that time, and him, as well.
With those guys the only thing I ever remembered was that last time, of awkward sex. The rest had all blurred out.
I didn’t want that with Mr.Big.
Despite carrying condoms.
Mr. Big opened the door and I was so happy to see him. I felt drunk on having had maybe three hours of sleep. But he was jetlagged and probably hadn’t had much more.
He was clean and fresh, wearing jeans and a t-shirt.
Apparently he intended to stay in, or maybe he didn’t want to intimidate me wearing his suite.
He made us eggs and coffee, and had no milk in the house.
We sat at the table. As he was having breakfast, and I was having my coffee, black, I talked. I told him everything. Who Christopher was, what had happened, and that I had no idea if the feelings were mutual, but that I did know that for me they marked the end of an era.
The era where my feelings had been exclusively for Mr.Big.
And then I did something that I had never done in our relationship.
I asked “the question”.
First I took him back to late 2015, to the only time when he had opened up to me.
I had accidentally ran into him at an event, and he had been drinking. We went to his place, and lied on the couch, fully clothed.
I was lying on top of him, our eyes were locked and my tears just kept running.
I could see into his soul.
It had been the only time when he had said he loved me, but he had said it a thousand times. And that he had thought about leaving his wife to be with me.
“Really?” I had asked him. “I had no idea you thought about us that way.”
“Of course I do,” he said. “I m not an idiot.”
That had all been years ago and this time I had to know.
“Why are you not choosing for me?” I asked. “And why have you been neglecting me? Do you want me to go?”
I tried not to sob because I wanted the truth.
Much to my surprise he did make an attempt to answer the question. Much of it was predictable, such as me not wanting to live together.
And of course my writing, which would require working around, for privacy reasons.
But all those things had already been discussed in the past.
What was difficult to digest for me, was that there had been changes in his family situation that he had not told me about.
There had been a time window, or opportunity, where he could have chosen to see me more. And he hadn’t.
If it had not been for the fact that I had felt so clearly, on all occasions that we had been together, that he still deeply cared for me, I would have interpreted everything he said in an entirely different way.
But I felt a deeper truth, than the words he was now speaking.
I had felt, every time, that there had been love for me.
It cost me tremendous effort, to not feel I was constantly losing from his wife. To not make this into something competitive, and to feel into the fact that love was not a finite thing. Not something that needed to be rationed between people.
But it hurt none the less.
And I so wished I had never asked, and could go back to going on intuition. To feel what he felt for me, not hear his own interpretation of it.
Which seemed to be filled with doubt.
I started sobbing uncontrollably, and said that I had expected him to give a clear answer that could help me. That he either wanted me to go away, or that he needed time to think if he wanted to choose for me.
“I guess this is just the way we are,” I cried. “You’ve never given clarity. Of course you’re not going to give it now that I need it. With the Christopher story.”
I don’t know what happened after.
Just that we melted together, and that it was the most intimate, sexual experience we ever had. It was a strange mixture of crying, and really nice, simple sex. Doggy style even.
On my request.
With me standing, leaning forward with my hands on the bed, and he was behind me.
We were using a condom, and he came from fucking. Not from oral sex, like usually. It was short and sweet. And not awkward.
When I left I told him to take his time, and that I would be okay. If Christopher and I would kiss or something, I would tell him.
If he didn’t hear anything from me, it was good news.
When I came home I found Christopher’s email.
It was a rejection, what I had described to Big as “good news”.
But at that moment the grim reality of where I was in life, the feeling that I had effectively been trying to avoid for months, sank in.
And it wasn’t good news at all.
An unexamined life is not worth living
I think this will be the final chapter for now…
I feel empty and can’t imagine what I could possibly write about.
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Think of me is the fifth chapter from Project M.
tenth anniversary of the book that changed my life!
Summer 2008 I started writing in English.
Dutch American Diary
Just like now, I was in love with two men. And just like now, they were both taken.
And – yes, just like now – I had no idea where life would take me.
This 2008 diary became the only thing that offered stability during a time where I had just left my partner after fourteen years and the two new men were driving me crazy.
A book about starting over in your mid-thirties and reinventing yourself as a lover;
As a woman;
And as a vengeful fury from hell.
These are my English titles:
Dutch American Diary 2008-2009 €15
LS Diary 2012-2013 € 10
Bedtime Stories 2014 €15
Mirage 2014 €5
Big, diaries and erotica 2015-2016 € 20
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