After a night of insomnia and stress related complaints, all uncomfortably similar to warning signs of a heart attack, Lauren craves to end the suspense before it’s killing her.
She would like to tell everybody she’s in love with Christopher.
But unfortunately, no one can know..
She confides in her most discrete friend; Xavier.
But things do not go as planned.
I knew right away that I had made a mistake telling Xavier about my crush on “Christopher”.
Xavier had never told anybody about my affair with Mr.Big, but appeared to be irritated that I was about to add another secret to the pile.
It went down so badly, that I didn’t even tell Xavier who Christopher was. Even though I had intended to.
Assuming that the whole thing wasn’t fueled by jealousy, which was perhaps the wrong assumption but okay, the biggest accusation was my arrogance that I thought it was mutual.
“Why are you so convinced it’s mutual?” Xavier asked.
I truthfully replied that feelings like that are felt by both parties.
“Really? You have never heard of love not being mutual?” Xavier snarked. “That is an entirely new concept to you?”
I didn’t answer that. First of all because since Xavier didn’t seem to be expecting an answer. And secondly, because my thoughts on this would have infuriated him even more.
Which was that in my experience men were at a disadvantage here.
Women could feel a man responding. And therefor the chances that a woman developed feelings for a man who were not returned, were extremely slim.
It was one of my biggest frustrations that men couldn’t feel that.
Men would keep signaling that they were sexually interested in me, and appeared to be dumb, deaf and blind to the fact that I was not sending anything sexual back.
When I first told my mother about this, I had actually been the one roaring in contempt:
“I’m like: I know you want to sleep with me! Just have the decency to hide the damn thing”
My mother shook her head and said:
“No… this is something else. You want to have meaningful conversations with your friends. If a man is only interested in making you compliments, you lose interest.”
Losing interest had proved to be an understatement, because it irritated me greatly. But otherwise she was right.
But then again so was I.
I didn’t care if a friend wanted to sleep with me, as long as we clicked on a soul level AND he had the decency to hide his feelings from me until he felt – I still wasn’t ready to go with the Neanderthal version where men were not be able to tune in and read me – that they were mutual.
Then, and only then, my deeply-connected-on-a-soul level friend was allowed to do something really cute.
Like take my hand.
While being fully tuned in to how I was responding to that gesture.
Or my friend could say something so meaningful that it made me cry.
And offer me a box of tissues but definitely not a hug.
Or if a friend felt that I liked him, he could offer to help me with something practical.
Like fixing my bike or painting my studio.
Someone who was not helping, was Xavier.
“Is it Warren?”
Xavier had turned my revelation that for the first time in four years, I had feelings for a new man, into a common guessing game.
Warren was a senior business coach whose services I had used, when my yoga business seemed to come crashing down. After setting a clear boundary with Warren, that he was no longer allowed to give me advice, since I wasn’t paying him anymore, we were now sending each other art house film tips.
Which wasn’t that easy since I knew jack shit about art house films and didn’t particularly like them either.
Secretly I did hope Warren and I could become friends.
But by now I was getting a bit pessimistic of finding anyone who understood me. Aside from my own mother.
“No, it’s not Warren,” I sighed. “And I m not going to tell you who it is.”
I was so angry at Xavier for being so unreasonable, that I was going to punish him by withholding him the story.
Yet I was still convinced Xavier was the right man for the job of being my confidante.
The first time I met Xavier, I thought he was a criminal, because he was revealing so little about himself. I was fascinated by him, but didn’t start trusting him until he got into a relationship and I saw he had a soft side.
Despite our clash today, Xavier would be my backup, if Christopher ever became more than a friend. Because I needed someone to know the truth, should anything bad happen to Christopher or to me.
And I also needed someone to tell sex stories to, if they were still so fresh that I couldn’t write about them.
And in that area too, Xavier was a forgiving listener.
Xavier’s ranting was annoying, because it meant I couldn’t share my story today, and would maybe suffer another night of heart problems;
But Xavier’s behavior was not a sign that he could not be trusted.
As Frodo said when trying to figure out Strider, or Aragorn, in Lord of the Rings:
“If he was one of the enemy, he would look fairer and…well, feel fouler.”
Xavier did not feel foul.
After my slightly disappointing date with Xavier I went to the yogastudio. I had originally intended to choose for my writing and quit teaching yoga altogether, and had spent two weeks making arrangements to transfer the studio to someone else.
Only to come to the conclusion that it was much more practical if I kept it on.
The reason was that in order for my writing business to be fully functional, and not wanting to share my house address with the Chamber of Commerce, I had to have a business location.
And because I didn’t need another office or writing space because I wrote at home. So the location I would rent may as well be a yogastudio.
At least I could make some money back on it.
So now I was busy making arrangements to cancel all cancellations, take all the posts down that we were closing, think about my new offers, and debrief all potential candidates that the studio was no longer on the market.
I would no longer offer a full studio program, nor work nights:
But I did intend to start teaching privates and a few small classes.
Back at the studio, I did the dishes and cleaned the floors, and planned the rest of my day. I asked a friend if she wanted to join me for a film Warren had recommended.
And she did, so that was cool.
Mr.Big had not replied to my A.M. text. Which was so disappointing. I really wanted to see him. Our affair was going through a rough time. This year we had had sex on several occasions, but our meetups were almost random encounters.
He barely made time for me.
Not that the sex was bad, not at all. And sometimes we even saw each other without sex.
But we were nowhere near to the wonderful dating routine we had in place for about three years prior. Where he would cook me dinner, and we would play sex games that stretched body and mind so to speak.
The graphic images of what we did, and all the stuff I would still want to do with him, just haunt me these days.
I started masturbating on something other than Big. Other men or specific situations with anonymous, faceless people.
The reason I put in so much effort into pulling my solo-love life away from him was because our love life was already so fragile, with Mr.Big being so unavailable. I didn’t want my imaginary sex life to only feature him.
I had to have a set of sustainable masturbation fantasies, that would stay unharmed if he ever broke up with me.
Or if, which was more likely, he just stopped calling me, and dating me. And months later I would realize I had been dumped.
Enough reason to not let Mr.Big monopolize my mind.
But after a good start of reinventing my self-pleasure routines, I had regressed back to what it had always been.
Fantasy sex with Mr.Big.
At night I saw the friend and it was so great to see her.
I told her what had happened between me and Christopher.
Not as specific as I could have done with Xavier, but it was nonetheless soothing to be able to tell the truth. To share how Christopher had given me space in that elevator, in that crucial moment when Christopher and me had been in a confided space for the first time in our friendship.
Standing in the back of the elevator and leaving the doorway and the control panel to me.
“Do you know how many men screw that up?” I asked the friend. “That they stand too close, or use the elevator as an excuse to come too near?”
She’s fifteen years older than I am, and her past has been way more adventurous than mine.
Of course she fucking knew.
“He’s a real man, Lauren,” she said. “You got yourself a real, mature, man.”
It was my second art house film within a week. And this film too, was way too dark for me.
Two movies about men obsessed with violence was definitely too much.
And no one got laid.
I got home right before midnight.
When I took my phone out of my handbag, I saw I had a message from Mr.Big.
“Hi Baby Bee, Sorry to read you’re not doing well. Of course you can come over. My plane just landed, and I ll sleep at the condo. Would you like to come for breakfast tomorrow? Love, B.”
Maybe someone was going to get laid after all.
An unexamined life is not worth living
Everybody is the fourth chapter from Project M.
tenth anniversary of the book that changed my life!
Summer 2008 I started writing in English.
Dutch American Diary
Just like now, I was in love with two men. And just like now, they were both taken.
And – yes, just like now – I had no idea where life would take me.
This 2008 diary became the only thing that offered stability during a time where I had just left my partner after fourteen years and the two new men were driving me crazy.
A book about starting over in your mid-thirties and reinventing yourself as a lover;
As a woman;
And as a vengeful fury from hell.
These are my English titles:
Dutch American Diary 2008-2009 €15
LS Diary 2012-2013 € 10
Bedtime Stories 2014 €15
Mirage 2014 €5
Big, diaries and erotica 2015-2016 € 20
Get a 25% discount on all prices in the shop.
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De volgende Nederlandse boeken
zijn ook op voorraad bij boekhandel de Feeks in Nijmegen
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Het Boek Benjamin € 45
verzameld werk NL en Engels.
Het enige boek dat hier niet inzit is Witte Tijgerin, dus mijn andere Nederlandse boeken zitten hier wél in.
coming of age novelle
22 erotische verhalen € 15
literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin
Witte Tijgerin €5
gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie