Technically? Lauren is still faithful in her secret affair with the married Mr.Big. But now that she’s fallen in love with her friend Christopher, the impenetrable shield of her monogamy is showing the first signs of wear.
I thought I could do this….
Just let it be.
Not tell Christopher how I feel, and not tempt another married man into starting an affair. Hell, with my body’s current tantrum, I don’t even know if I can have an affair again!
And be a mistress.
Even if I broke up with Mr.Big to simplify things, and then Christopher and me had time to start our affair, or just get to know each other better really…
It strikes me how little I know of him, and how private he has always been.
But even then?
Could I go through this rollercoaster ride of having a secret lover?
Am I really a mistress, like I ve always claimed I am?
Am I someone who will not get her “fix”, will not stay interested, and will walk out bored unless the stakes are high, the secrecy is killing, and emotions are rampant?
“Yes, you are,” Mister Big would say.
He was the first to point out that my phobias for std’s (or you could say a phobia for social exclusion really) that I had been suffering since I was a teenager, had altered the very nature of my sexuality.
That I simply couldn’t be at the level of normalness and intimacy, that were the cornerstone of normal relationships. I needed the high, and the adrenaline of being in love, and of it being a secret affair.
So because I was unsure of what I wanted, and also because I didn’t want to influence Christopher, I decided I wouldn’t do anything.
Not about my relationship with Mr.Big, which had been marginalized really. And not by me.
I would say nothing to Christopher, because I was 99% sure that he had felt something too. And that once I would say something about it, it would be a real thing.
If he was still in denial, I wasn’t going to ruin his life by enlightening him.
So I had already made up my mind. I knew what was the right thing to do. But when I got to bed and I got pain in my left arm (which is the side related to your heart) and a panic attack. A sickening feeling.
“What was I thinking?” I wondered.
There was no way was going to keep this up.
I longed for clarity, with all my heart. I wanted to express what I was feeling. I wondered if I had a friend, someone I could trust..
And I also wanted to tell Mr.Big what had happened. And ask him what he wanted, and why he had let it slip between us.
Did he really want me to turn my back on him and move on with my life?
Because then now would be a good time to say so.
An unexamined life is not worth living
Burning Up is the third chapter from Project M.
tenth anniversary of the book that changed my life!
Summer 2008 I started writing in English.
Dutch American Diary
Just like now, I was in love with two men. And just like now, they were both taken.
And – yes, just like now – I had no idea where life would take me.
This 2008 diary became the only thing that offered stability during a time where I had just left my partner after fourteen years and the two new men were driving me crazy.
A book about starting over in your mid-thirties and reinventing yourself as a lover;
As a woman;
And as a vengeful fury from hell.
These are my English titles:
Dutch American Diary 2008-2009 €15
LS Diary 2012-2013 € 10
Bedtime Stories 2014 €15
Mirage 2014 €5
Big, diaries and erotica 2015-2016 € 20
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coming of age novelle
22 erotische verhalen € 15
literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin
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