At first I thought this was a married-man thing.
That my resistance towards sharing my new feelings with my married friend Christopher, had to do with the fact that I didn’t want to tempt him into breaking his vows, cheating on his wife, ruining his life.
I m a firm believer that the responsibility for cheating is with the cheating party.
Not with the mistress.
I m making this a him=cheater/ her=mistress story.
But gender doesn’t have anything to do with it; this is just a reflection of my situation.
I ve been a mistress to Mr.Big since 2015, but it started out as something that happened to me. I didn’t choose it. Later on I embraced the identity, and recognized it as my own.
But another important characteristic of our affair was that Mr.Big chased me. Not the other way around.
So I never felt responsible for doing anything “to him”.
Because it was his choice.
But with Christopher, I am the one who has fallen for a married man, and he doesn’t know that.
A married Mr.Big wanted me, wooed me, and when I fell in love it was a done deal.
I m in love with married Christopher, and I m unsure if I want to woo him, or close the deal.
If I could trust that he’s completely repulsed by the idea of me, or the idea of cheating, then I would tell him. And we could laugh it off, and it would be really funny to have him rejecting me.
I m sure he’d say that I should get some horny 25 year old, not a man his age.
Or that he’s a lousy lay.
It would be fun, and afterwards we could continue our friendship carefree.
But chances that Christopher is that certain, are slim.
And then we get into a whole bunch of scenarios, that are actually very much influenced by the fact that I ve told him about my feelings, or that I ve facilitated nearness, contact, time together, hoping that he’d use it to make his move.
What if he does have feelings for me, but chooses to stay faithful?
In that case, me making it easy for him to start an affair, means I’m responsible for his cheating. Because he would have contained himself, as long as I hadn’t pushed it.
Or he has feelings for me but he chooses not to persue it because he feels insecure, and believes I won’t answer them.
And that’s when I had my lightbulb moment.
That’s when I saw, very clearly, how this entire “do I tell him or not” – question didn’t have anything to do with Christopher being married! That I would do well, to never EVER facilitate nearness, and to always play hard to get.
Because I NEED A MAN TO BE SECURE.
If a man is too insecure to pursue me, then things are not going to work out in the bedroom.
I had this conversation on Twitter, explaining that I need a man to “read” me, because if I have to talk him through hitting on me, then things are not going to work out between the sheets.
Then the roles are set, with me constantly telling him how I want to be touched, fucked, and what mental games I like to play, so that I don’t have to bruise his ego by correcting him afterwards.
And I m going to hold that against him.
I m going to hate him for not understanding me, for having to take initiative, for making me go through lengths so that this whole thing can be a riskfree ride for him.
I need a man to take risks….
I will never tell a man that I m in love with him and that my defenses are paper-thin, and that he’ll find me dripping wet because I want to see him leaping, taking a chance, and being fucking prepared to fail miserably.
And when I say that I want a man to read me, what I m really saying is:
I want him to pay attention, as if I m a game that he wants to figure out in order to win it.
If he can’t do that, because he’s not smart enough, or bold enough, or because he’s afraid I ll reject him?
Then he’s not my guy!
It really is so freaking simple.
I dated for eight years, before I ran into Mr.Big. And in those eight years the biggest “mistake” if you want, I made, was that I put tremendous effort into dating and trying to like a potential partner, and turning a blind eye on everything I didn’t like;
All in order to get laid.
All in order to have sex.
Sex that was good, or even great. But what kept nagging me was that I was the one putting in all the effort.
I was the one who managed our courtship, who worked around his ego, who facilitated, and made things easy. And by the time I finally got what I wanted I think I was almost vengeful, and I was extremely angry if it stayed at having sex just a couple of times.
I was like:
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH I INVESTED TO MAKE THIS HAPPEN?!
And I know this is going to sound strange.
But do you know, that for a long time I ve said that I would do it again if I had to?
That I would do what it took to have some sort of a sex life, while being single. Even if it meant that I had to build the entire thing with my own two hands and a lot of imagination, and all he had to do was play the role that fit him like a glove because I had not picked a part for him that was too hard.
I had created something that suited his talents, and stayed within his comfort zone.
For a long time I did think I would do that again, if Big would break up with me, and I would be single.
Until a few weeks back I realized:
I d rather not have sex, than to ever lower my standards and make things easier for a man.
I need him to stand up for what he wants.
I need him to be able to take rejection.
And I need him to read me, and just know what type of rejection I m giving him:
Is it because I m really not interested.
Or because he scares me, because I m overwhelmed by emotions for him and that my No means that:
This is scary as fuck.
And if he doesn’t understand all of those things?
Or he can’t take being rejected?
And he doesn’t see conquering me as a challenge?
Then I m better off without him.
And he’s most definitely better off without me.
An unexamined life is not worth living
In addition to the post: Another reason I m not telling, is because being in love is a fragile thing. Just like wanting sex: I can drop out of it easily.
If I would say I was in love with him, I would suggest it’s a done deal. When I still need him to work for it.
tenth anniversary of the book that changed my life!
Summer 2008 I started writing in English.
Dutch American Diary
Just like now, I was in love with two men. And just like now, they were both taken.
And – yes, just like now – I had no idea where life would take me.
This 2008 diary became the only thing that offered stability during a time where I had just left my partner after fourteen years and the two new men were driving me crazy.
A book about starting over in your mid-thirties and reinventing yourself as a lover;
As a woman;
And as a vengeful fury from hell.
These are my English titles:
Dutch American Diary 2008-2009 €15
LS Diary 2012-2013 € 10
Bedtime Stories 2014 €15
Mirage 2014 €5
Big, diaries and erotica 2015-2016 € 20
Get a 25% discount on all prices in the shop.
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De volgende Nederlandse boeken
zijn ook op voorraad bij boekhandel de Feeks in Nijmegen
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verzameld werk NL en Engels.
Het enige boek dat hier niet inzit is Witte Tijgerin, dus mijn andere Nederlandse boeken zitten hier wél in.
coming of age novelle
22 erotische verhalen € 15
literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin
Witte Tijgerin €5
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