I never talked much about Christopher. If I said anything to anyone at all.
He was “just” one of the many men I call friends, or dates. I saw less of him than I hoped for. Twice a year tops.
And he always paid for dinner, even though we were just friends and not romantically involved.
At least that is what I thought until the truth hit me, an hour ago.
That I was even aware of how little I saw of him, and that I wanted more, should have been a first sign that my feelings for him had been more than friendly.
But I didn’t notice.
Even now that I know I still can’t believe it.
Any of it!
I can’t believe that I missed my feelings for Christopher.
Even though my whole life has come crashing down this summer, I failed to see the explosion that caused it. Or maybe it was more a self-destructive response where I tore my business down in frustration because I was so uncomfortable that it wasn’t doing well.
And that not being financially secure made me an ineligible partner.
Or maybe shutting down my business was just me taking out the internal battle I was going through.
I craved for control. Something I didn’t have with him.
It was much easier to focus on realigning a business than our friendship.
But still, what was I thinking? How did I manage to miss it?
Did I actually believe I had turned into an entrepreneur? Did I really think that suddenly, at 46 years old, I had started caring about fucking business?
Without a powerful sexual motive behind it?
Had I not learned that love made me fearless, grinning, strong, slightly aggressive, but Oh. So. Bold!
When in love I was capable of doing things, claiming things, stating things, and aiming higher than ever.
Of course redoing my entire life didn’t have anything to do with me suddenly being a changed woman!
There is a post on this blog that I want to become the first Dutch writer (well I write in English, but I am Dutch) who makes a million a year from her writing.
And I just reread that to get the link inserted here, and that is powerful stuff!
But it’s a direct result of the energy I have been receiving the last couple of months from being in love. Without noticing it!
I was completely clueless.
Like I said, I still can’t believe it.
I’m like: “Him? Noooooo.”
We’ve known each other for years, he seems an unlikely candidate.
We never flirt, and we don’t talk about sex. He will occasionally shake his head that I put up with Mr.Big. He knows me being a mistress is a given, but he’s clearly biting his tongue, I can see it.
And I don’t ask about his wife either. Nor do I ask him if he’s ever cheated. I feel it wouldn’t be fair, since I would like him to be unfaithful just to prove that I am right, and that married people are wrong.
There is a childish, competitive side to our friendship I suppose.
He ll say things like: “Well as long as you re happy.”
Which infuriates me because I would never say something like that to him.
Maybe the subdued rivalry towards his wife and Mr.Big were the second sign something was up.
For almost four years now, I ve been in love with my lover Mr.Big. And I ve never felt THIS, for another man.
My feelings have been exclusive to Mr.Big.
In all fairness, Mr.Big has kind of been asking for this to happen. We do still have sex, on occasion. But our last proper date, where proper stands for planned in advance and including dinner, must have been last year already.
I felt I got demoted from mistress to booty call.
Now don’t get me wrong: I don’t mean that he’s thinking less of me. His feelings for me have not changed.
The last time we hugged, our bodies clung to each other as if they were two needy entities who were shrieking at us:
“WHY DON’T WE GET THIS MORE OFTEN!!! NOOOOO!!!! DON’T TAKE US APART ALREADY!”
A clothed hug but a desperate hug.
So no, I know there isn’t less emotion on his side, nor on mine.
Just that apparently he can’t bring himself to make time for me like he used to. Maybe the strain of leading a double life is taking its toll on him. He might feel guiltier if he planned on seeing me, and less guilty if it’s a quickie.
As if he can rationalize it as a chance encounter, something that shouldn’t have happened.
I don’t know.
But I’ve been aware that it wouldn’t go on like this forever.
Big and me are not the breakup kind. Whenever we tried, we were both miserable and got back together soon.
If we ever breakup we ll most likely become friends. I m not expecting any drama, although that too can be a dangerous thing..
I don’t want to think of the possibility of him breaking up with me.
That’s another possible reason why I ve been so rough with my business.
The thought that Big’s meager dating routine actually did mean something. A daunting thought. And that I destroyed my own company, so that I didn’t have to feel that.
That I externalized my pain.
Or maybe my extreme emotional behavior was caused by both of them. That Christopher and Mr.Big had been like the sun and the moon causing spring tide, when the range between ebb and flow is the greatest.
The highs are higher and the lows are lower.
I ve definitely had that going on for the past two months.
Maybe the emotional rollercoaster will slow down, now that I ve discovered its hidden generators. The two men, with whom I try to cope by taking my business down.
I did also consider taking my own life, but that had nothing to do with them. It was on one of the two low points. One low point was a Monday night when I was clearing out my closet and found all the things that reminded me so much of my deceased cats Max and Willem. I just sat there on the couch, crying. Holding their passports.
The low point when I got suicidal thoughts was when I was sending in my application for a job everybody told me to accept. That it would be such a great opportunity for me.
I withdrew my application and the crying stopped, and so did the destructive thoughts.
But what I failed to see was that my business suicide had been in progress for a while already. Just that nobody thought I would actually do it.
Kill a business that had taken me fifteen years to build.
Christopher and me on our last date.
Like usual, he picked me up from the station, and walked us to the restaurant I liked. It was more a pub, with steaks and loud music.
But I liked it there.
On our way back, he pointed to a new high rise.
“That’s where I work now.”
It was matter-of-factly, and I didn’t believe him.
I don’t know why I didn’t.
We never really talked about work.
“Seriously?” I asked.
“Yes, I know where I work.”
We walked on, and I think I even started a whole new conversation, but it kept buzzing in my head.
“Do you have your security pass on you?” I asked.
“Why? You want to go in?”
And I was aware that I had just asked my platonic friend, to take me to a deserted building. If this was going to end with me being raped I would have a poor #metoo case. Maybe that’s what excited me..
But I think it was something else.
Because I did trust he wouldn’t suddenly turn into an ax yielding rapist. In retrospect I think I wanted to see if he was worthy, or if he would overstep my boundaries. But despite him being the one on trial, I was the one who was nervous.
Or maybe he was too, but he didn’t show it.
He got us in, and the hallway was majestic, with shops, a fountain, benches, trees in pots. Everything was closed, but it must have been a crowded place during the day.
We took a glass elevator, to the eighth floor. A floor with cubicles, where Christopher worked. Which surprised me because I had expected him to be someone who had a room to himself.
I tried to figure out if management had their own office. If it had been Christophers decision to work on the floor, or if it was company policy.
“Want to see the top floor?”
It was a neutral question. Christopher had been keeping his cool for the entire tour.
Second elevator ride, moving further up.
Just like the first time he made sure to be the first to go into the elevator, and waited in the back. Staying free from the doorway and leaving the control panel to me.
I pressed the top button.
The top floor was a large space with a modern, clean look and chunky sofas.
With a breathtaking view of the skyline.
I felt enchanted by the whole situation. The view over the city by night. The mysterious room; Christopher had not put on any lights.
He stayed clear from me, wasn’t following me around. Wasn’t playing with his phone either. I was skipping up and down with excitement, exclaiming over and over how happy I was to be there, and how great it was.
He was just smiling.
As if he knew he had passed.
An unexamined life is not worth living
tenth anniversary of the book that changed my life!
Summer 2008 I started writing in English.
Dutch American Diary
Just like now, I was in love with two men. And just like now, they were both taken.
And – yes, just like now – I had no idea where life would take me.
This 2008 diary became the only thing that offered stability during a time where I had just left my partner after fourteen years and the two new men were driving me crazy.
A book about starting over in your mid-thirties and reinventing yourself as a lover;
As a woman;
And as a vengeful fury from hell.
These are my English titles:
Dutch American Diary 2008-2009 €15
LS Diary 2012-2013 € 10
Bedtime Stories 2014 €15
Mirage 2014 €5
Big, diaries and erotica 2015-2016 € 20
Get a 25% discount on all prices in the shop.
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.
De volgende Nederlandse boeken
zijn ook op voorraad bij boekhandel de Feeks in Nijmegen
verzending gratis v.a. € 17,50
Het Boek Benjamin € 45
verzameld werk NL en Engels.
Het enige boek dat hier niet inzit is Witte Tijgerin, dus mijn andere Nederlandse boeken zitten hier wél in.
coming of age novelle
22 erotische verhalen € 15
literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin
Witte Tijgerin €5
gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie