Burning Up

Published on by LS HarteveldLeave a comment

Technically? Lauren is still faithful in her secret affair with the married Mr.Big. But now that she’s fallen in love with her friend Christopher, the impenetrable shield of her monogamy is showing the first signs of wear.

I thought I could do this….
Just let it be.
Not tell Christopher how I feel, and not tempt another married man into starting an affair. Hell, with my body’s current tantrum, I don’t even know if I can have an affair again!
And be a mistress.
Even if I broke up with Mr.Big to simplify things, and then Christopher and me had time to start our affair, or just get to know each other better really…
It strikes me how little I know of him, and how private he has always been. 
But even then?
Could I go through this rollercoaster ride of having a secret lover?
Am I really a mistress, like I ve always claimed I am?
Am I someone who will not get her “fix”, will not stay interested, and will walk out bored unless the stakes are high, the secrecy is killing, and emotions are rampant?
“Yes, you are,” Mister Big would say.
He was the first to point out that my phobias for std’s (or you could say a phobia for social exclusion really) that I had been suffering since I was a teenager, had altered the very nature of my sexuality.
That I simply couldn’t be at the level of normalness and intimacy, that were the cornerstone of normal relationships. I needed the high, and the adrenaline of being in love, and of it being a secret affair.
So because I was unsure of what I wanted, and also because I didn’t want to influence Christopher, I decided I wouldn’t do anything.
Not about my relationship with Mr.Big, which had been marginalized really. And not by me. 
I would say nothing to Christopher, because I was 99% sure that he had felt something too. And that once I would say something about it, it would be a real thing.
If he was still in denial, I wasn’t going to ruin his life by enlightening him.
So I had already made up my mind. I knew what was the right thing to do. But when I got to bed and I got pain in my left arm (which is the side related to your heart) and a panic attack. A sickening feeling.
“What was I thinking?” I wondered.
There was no way was going to keep this up.
I longed for clarity, with all my heart. I wanted to express what I was feeling. I wondered if I had a friend, someone I could trust..
And I also wanted to tell Mr.Big what had happened. And ask him what he wanted, and why he had let it slip between us.
Did he really want me to turn my back on him and move on with my life?
Because then now would be a good time to say so.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

To find out what happens next (I would like to know too!) follow this blog. The subscribe button is somewhere on the right.
or follow Twitter ; or Facebook

Burning Up is the third chapter from Project M. 

tenth anniversary of the book that changed my life!

Summer 2008 I started writing in English.
Dutch American Diary 
Just like now, I was in love with two men. And just like now, they were both taken.
And – yes, just like now –  I had no idea where life would take me.
This 2008 diary became the only thing that offered stability during a time where I had just left my partner after fourteen years and the two new men were driving me crazy.
A book about starting over in your mid-thirties and reinventing yourself as a lover;
As a woman;
And as a vengeful fury from hell.

Als je Nederlands bent is 22 erotische verhalen een aanrader.
Maar je kunt natuurlijk ook gewoon de hele shop leegkopen.

BOOK SHOP

These are my English titles:
Dutch American Diary 2008-2009  €15
LS Diary 2012-2013                                € 10
Bedtime Stories 2014                            €15
Mirage 2014                                               €5
Big, diaries and erotica 2015-2016 € 20
Get a 25% discount on all prices in the shop.
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

De volgende Nederlandse boeken
zijn ook op voorraad bij boekhandel de Feeks in Nijmegen
verzending gratis v.a. € 17,50

Het Boek Benjamin           € 45
verzameld werk NL en Engels.
Het enige boek dat hier niet inzit is Witte Tijgerin, dus mijn andere Nederlandse boeken zitten hier wél in.

Mango                                 €15
coming of age novelle

22 erotische verhalen   € 15
literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin

Witte Tijgerin                  €5
gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie

Not telling him I ve fallen in love

Published on by LS HarteveldLeave a comment
I m not just not telling him… I m also not staring into his eyes like this, trust me.

At first I thought this was a married-man thing.
That my resistance towards sharing my new feelings with my married friend Christopher, had to do with the fact that I didn’t want to tempt him into breaking his vows, cheating on his wife, ruining his life.
I m a firm believer that the responsibility for cheating is with the cheating party.
Not with the mistress.
I m making this a him=cheater/ her=mistress story.
But gender doesn’t have anything to do with it; this is just a reflection of my situation.
I ve been a mistress to Mr.Big since 2015, but it started out as something that happened to me. I didn’t choose it. Later on I embraced the identity, and recognized it as my own.
But another important characteristic of our affair was that Mr.Big chased me. Not the other way around.
So I never felt responsible for doing anything “to him”.
Because it was his choice.
But with Christopher, I am the one who has fallen for a married man, and he doesn’t know that.
So 2015:
A married Mr.Big wanted me, wooed me, and when I fell in love it was a done deal.
And 2018:
I m in love with married Christopher, and I m unsure if I want to woo him, or close the deal.
If I could trust that he’s completely repulsed by the idea of me, or the idea of cheating, then I would tell him. And we could laugh it off, and it would be really funny to have him rejecting me.
I m sure he’d say that I should get some horny 25 year old, not a man his age.
Or that he’s a lousy lay.
It would be fun, and afterwards we could continue our friendship carefree.
But chances that Christopher is that certain, are slim.
And then we get into a whole bunch of scenarios, that are actually very much influenced by the fact that I ve told him about my feelings, or that I ve facilitated nearness, contact, time together, hoping that he’d use it to make his move.
For example:
What if he does have feelings for me, but chooses to stay faithful?
In that case, me making it easy for him to start an affair, means I’m responsible for his cheating. Because he would have contained himself, as long as I hadn’t pushed it.
Or he has feelings for me but he chooses not to persue it because he feels insecure, and believes I won’t answer them.
AHA!
And that’s when I had my lightbulb moment.
That’s when I saw, very clearly, how this entire “do I tell him or not” – question didn’t have anything to do with Christopher being married! That I would do well, to never EVER facilitate nearness, and to always play hard to get.
Because I NEED A MAN TO BE SECURE.
If a man is too insecure to pursue me, then things are not going to work out in the bedroom.
I had this conversation on Twitter, explaining that I need a man to “read” me, because if I have to talk him through hitting on me, then things are not going to work out between the sheets.
Then the roles are set, with me constantly telling him how I want to be touched, fucked, and what mental games I like to play, so that I don’t have to bruise his ego by correcting him afterwards.
And I m going to hold that against him.
I m going to hate him for not understanding me, for having to take initiative, for making me go through lengths so that this whole thing can be a riskfree ride for him.
Yuck.
I need a man to take risks….
I will never tell a man that I m in love with him and that my defenses are paper-thin, and that he’ll find me dripping wet because I want to see him leaping, taking a chance, and being fucking prepared to fail miserably.
And when I say that I want a man to read me, what I m really saying is:
I want him to pay attention, as if I m a game that he wants to figure out in order to win it.
If he can’t do that, because he’s not smart enough, or bold enough, or because he’s afraid I ll reject him?
Then he’s not my guy!
It really is so freaking simple.
I dated for eight years, before I ran into Mr.Big. And in those eight years the biggest “mistake” if you want, I made, was that I put tremendous effort into dating and trying to like a potential partner, and turning a blind eye on everything I didn’t like;
All in order to get laid.
All in order to have sex.
Sex that was good, or even great. But what kept nagging me was that I was the one putting in all the effort.
I was the one who managed our courtship, who worked around his ego, who facilitated, and made things easy. And by the time I finally got what I wanted I think I was almost vengeful, and I was extremely angry if it stayed at having sex just a couple of times.
I was like:
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH I INVESTED TO MAKE THIS HAPPEN?!
And yet…
And I know this is going to sound strange.
But do you know, that for a long time I ve said that I would do it again if I had to?
That I would do what it took to have some sort of a sex life, while being single. Even if it meant that I had to build the entire thing with my own two hands and a lot of imagination, and all he had to do was play the role that fit him like a glove because I had not picked a part for him that was too hard.
I had created something that suited his talents, and stayed within his comfort zone.
For a long time I did think I would do that again, if Big would break up with me, and I would be single.
Until a few weeks back I realized:
No.
Never.
I d rather not have sex, than to ever lower my standards and make things easier for a man.
I need him to stand up for what he wants.
I need him to be able to take rejection.
And I need him to read me, and just know what type of rejection I m giving him:
Is it because I m really not interested.
Or because he scares me, because I m overwhelmed by emotions for him and that my No means that:
This is scary as fuck.
And if he doesn’t understand all of those things?
Or he can’t take being rejected?
And he doesn’t see conquering me as a challenge?
Then I m better off without him.
And he’s most definitely better off without me.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

PS:
In addition to the post: Another reason I m not telling, is because being in love is a fragile thing. Just like wanting sex: I can drop out of it easily.
If I would say I was in love with him, I would suggest it’s a done deal. When I still need him to work for it.

To find out what happens next (I would like to know too!) follow this blog. The subscribe button is somewhere on the right.
Follow Twitter ; or Facebook

tenth anniversary of the book that changed my life!

Summer 2008 I started writing in English.
Dutch American Diary 
Just like now, I was in love with two men. And just like now, they were both taken.
And – yes, just like now –  I had no idea where life would take me.
This 2008 diary became the only thing that offered stability during a time where I had just left my partner after fourteen years and the two new men were driving me crazy.
A book about starting over in your mid-thirties and reinventing yourself as a lover;
As a woman;
And as a vengeful fury from hell.

Als je Nederlands bent is 22 erotische verhalen een aanrader.
Maar je kunt natuurlijk ook gewoon de hele shop leegkopen.

BOOK SHOP

These are my English titles:
Dutch American Diary 2008-2009  €15
LS Diary 2012-2013                                € 10
Bedtime Stories 2014                            €15
Mirage 2014                                               €5
Big, diaries and erotica 2015-2016 € 20
Get a 25% discount on all prices in the shop.
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

De volgende Nederlandse boeken
zijn ook op voorraad bij boekhandel de Feeks in Nijmegen
verzending gratis v.a. € 17,50

Het Boek Benjamin           € 45
verzameld werk NL en Engels.
Het enige boek dat hier niet inzit is Witte Tijgerin, dus mijn andere Nederlandse boeken zitten hier wél in.

Mango                                 €15
coming of age novelle

22 erotische verhalen   € 15
literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin

Witte Tijgerin                  €5
gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie

Love St(r)uck

Published on by LS HarteveldLeave a comment

I never talked much about Christopher. If I said anything to anyone at all.
He was “just” one of the many men I call friends, or dates. I saw less of him than I hoped for. Twice a year tops.
And he always paid for dinner, even though we were just friends and not romantically involved.
At least that is what I thought until the truth hit me, an hour ago.
That I was even aware of how little I saw of him, and that I wanted more, should have been a first sign that my feelings for him had been more than friendly.
But I didn’t notice.
Even now that I know I still can’t believe it.
Any of it!
I can’t believe that I missed my feelings for Christopher. 
Even though my whole life has come crashing down this summer, I failed to see the explosion that caused it. Or maybe it was more a self-destructive response where I tore my business down in frustration because I was so uncomfortable that it wasn’t doing well.
And that not being financially secure made me an ineligible partner. 
Or maybe shutting down my business was just me taking out the internal battle I was going through.
I craved for control. Something I didn’t have with him.
It was much easier to focus on realigning a business than our friendship.
But still, what was I thinking? How did I manage to miss it? 
Did I actually believe I had turned into an entrepreneur? Did I really think that suddenly, at 46 years old, I had started caring about fucking business?
Really?
Without a powerful sexual motive behind it?
Had I not learned that love made me fearless, grinning, strong, slightly aggressive, but Oh. So. Bold!
When in love I was capable of doing things, claiming things, stating things, and aiming higher than ever.
Of course redoing my entire life didn’t have anything to do with me suddenly being a changed woman! 
There is a post on this blog that I want to become the first Dutch writer (well I write in English, but I am Dutch) who makes a million a year from her writing.
And I just reread that to get the link inserted here, and that is powerful stuff!
But it’s a direct result of the energy I have been receiving the last couple of months from being in love. Without noticing it!
I was completely clueless.
Like I said, I still can’t believe it. 
I’m like: “Him? Noooooo.”
We’ve known each other for years, he seems an unlikely candidate.
We never flirt, and we don’t talk about sex. He will occasionally shake his head that I put up with Mr.Big. He knows me being a mistress is a given, but he’s clearly biting his tongue, I can see it.
And I don’t ask about his wife either. Nor do I ask him if he’s ever cheated. I feel it wouldn’t be fair, since I would like him to be unfaithful just to prove that I am right, and that married people are wrong.
There is a childish, competitive side to our friendship I suppose.
He ll say things like: “Well as long as you re happy.”
Which infuriates me because I would never say something like that to him.
Maybe the subdued rivalry towards his wife and Mr.Big were the second sign something was up. 
For almost four years now, I ve been in love with my lover Mr.Big. And I ve never felt THIS, for another man.
My feelings have been exclusive to Mr.Big.
In all fairness, Mr.Big has kind of been asking for this to happen. We do still have sex, on occasion. But our last proper date, where proper stands for planned in advance and including dinner, must have been last year already.
I felt I got demoted from mistress to booty call.
Now don’t get me wrong: I don’t mean that he’s thinking less of me. His feelings for me have not changed. 
The last time we hugged, our bodies clung to each other as if they were two needy entities who were shrieking at us:
“WHY DON’T WE GET THIS MORE OFTEN!!! NOOOOO!!!! DON’T TAKE US APART ALREADY!”
A clothed hug but a desperate hug.
So no, I know there isn’t less emotion on his side, nor on mine.
Just that apparently he can’t bring himself to make time for me like he used to. Maybe the strain of leading a double life is taking its toll on him. He might feel guiltier if he planned on seeing me, and less guilty if it’s a quickie.
As if he can rationalize it as a chance encounter, something that shouldn’t have happened.
I don’t know.
But I’ve been aware that it wouldn’t go on like this forever.
Big and me are not the breakup kind. Whenever we tried, we were both miserable and got back together soon.
If we ever breakup we ll most likely become friends. I m not expecting any drama, although that too can be a dangerous thing..
I don’t want to think of the possibility of him breaking up with me. 
That’s another possible reason why I ve been so rough with my business.
The thought that Big’s meager dating routine actually did mean something. A daunting thought. And that I destroyed my own company, so that I didn’t have to feel that.
That I externalized my pain.
Or maybe my extreme emotional behavior was caused by both of them. That Christopher and Mr.Big had been like the sun and the moon causing spring tide, when the range between ebb and flow is the greatest.
The highs are higher and the lows are lower.
I ve definitely had that going on for the past two months. 
Maybe the emotional rollercoaster will slow down, now that I ve discovered its hidden generators. The two men, with whom I try to cope by taking my business down.
I did also consider taking my own life, but that had nothing to do with them. It was on one of the two low points. One low point was a Monday night when I was clearing out my closet and found all the things that reminded me so much of my deceased cats Max and Willem. I just sat there on the couch, crying. Holding their passports.
The low point when I got suicidal thoughts was when I was sending in my application for a job everybody told me to accept. That it would be such a great opportunity for me.
I withdrew my application and the crying stopped, and so did the destructive thoughts.
But what I failed to see was that my business suicide had been in progress for a while already. Just that nobody thought I would actually do it.
Kill a business that had taken me fifteen years to build.

Christopher and me on our last date.
Like usual, he picked me up from the station, and walked us to the restaurant I liked. It was more a pub, with steaks and loud music.
But I liked it there.
On our way back, he pointed to a new high rise.
“That’s where I work now.”
It was matter-of-factly, and I didn’t believe him.
I don’t know why I didn’t.
We never really talked about work.
“Seriously?” I asked.
“Yes, I know where I work.”
We walked on, and I think I even started a whole new conversation, but it kept buzzing in my head.
“Do you have your security pass on you?” I asked.
“Why? You want to go in?”
“Yes”.
And I was aware that I had just asked my platonic friend, to take me to a deserted building. If this was going to end with me being raped I would have a poor #metoo case. Maybe that’s what excited me.. 
But I think it was something else.
Because I did trust he wouldn’t suddenly turn into an ax yielding rapist. In retrospect I think I wanted to see if he was worthy, or if he would overstep my boundaries. But despite him being the one on trial, I was the one who was nervous.
Or maybe he was too, but he didn’t show it.
He got us in, and the hallway was majestic, with shops, a fountain, benches, trees in pots. Everything was closed, but it must have been a crowded place during the day.
We took a glass elevator, to the eighth floor. A floor with cubicles, where Christopher worked. Which surprised me because I had expected him to be someone who had a room to himself.
I tried to figure out if management had their own office. If it had been Christophers decision to work on the floor, or if it was company policy.
“Want to see the top floor?”
It was a neutral question. Christopher had been keeping his cool for the entire tour.
Second elevator ride, moving further up.
Just like the first time he made sure to be the first to go into the elevator, and waited in the back. Staying free from the doorway and leaving the control panel to me.
I pressed the top button.
The top floor was a large space with a modern, clean look and chunky sofas.
With a breathtaking view of the skyline.
I felt enchanted by the whole situation. The view over the city by night. The mysterious room; Christopher had not put on any lights.
He stayed clear from me, wasn’t following me around. Wasn’t playing with his phone either. I was skipping up and down with excitement, exclaiming over and over how happy I was to be there, and how great it was.
He was just smiling.
As if he knew he had passed.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

To find out what happens next (I would like to know too!) follow this blog. The subscribe button is somewhere on the right.
Follow Twitter ; or Facebook

tenth anniversary of the book that changed my life!

Summer 2008 I started writing in English.
Dutch American Diary 
Just like now, I was in love with two men. And just like now, they were both taken.
And – yes, just like now –  I had no idea where life would take me.
This 2008 diary became the only thing that offered stability during a time where I had just left my partner after fourteen years and the two new men were driving me crazy.
A book about starting over in your mid-thirties and reinventing yourself as a lover;
As a woman;
And as a vengeful fury from hell.

Als je Nederlands bent is 22 erotische verhalen een aanrader.
Maar je kunt natuurlijk ook gewoon de hele shop leegkopen.

BOOK SHOP

These are my English titles:
Dutch American Diary 2008-2009  €15
LS Diary 2012-2013                                € 10
Bedtime Stories 2014                            €15
Mirage 2014                                               €5
Big, diaries and erotica 2015-2016 € 20
Get a 25% discount on all prices in the shop.
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

De volgende Nederlandse boeken
zijn ook op voorraad bij boekhandel de Feeks in Nijmegen
verzending gratis v.a. € 17,50

Het Boek Benjamin           € 45
verzameld werk NL en Engels.
Het enige boek dat hier niet inzit is Witte Tijgerin, dus mijn andere Nederlandse boeken zitten hier wél in.

Mango                                 €15
coming of age novelle

22 erotische verhalen   € 15
literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin

Witte Tijgerin                  €5
gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie

This is the reality of how bad I m really doing

Published on by LS HarteveldLeave a comment

I’m not writing this because I’m discarding my plan to become the first Dutch author who is internationally successful writing in English.
I m not writing it because I don’t have plans for the future.
I m not even writing it to ward off all the well meant advice that immediately has me wanting to kill myself, from “I have the perfect job for you”,
to “Why don’t you start taking yoga classes again, after giving them for 15 years.”
I m writing it because I am the first to forget how bad I m really doing and am so eager to move on.
When the truth is I shouldn’t plan on doing anything -not editing my books (I had one LS Harteveld and three under my real name planned), not writing these blog posts, not moving house to something smaller, not becoming famous, not getting a small job, NOTHING
Until I sleep again for at least four weeks in a row.
Until the pain in my chest stops.
Until the crying stops.
Until I haven’t thought about killing myself for at least a whole week.
That’s when I can start making plans.
No sooner.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

Subscribe to this daily blog to find out when I’m resurrected.
Follow Twitter ; or Facebook

tenth anniversary of the book that changed my life!

Summer 2008 I started writing in English.
Dutch American Diary 
This diary became the only thing that offered stability during a time where I had just left my partner after fourteen years and two new men were driving me crazy.
A book about starting over in your mid-thirties and reinventing yourself as a lover;
As a woman;
And as a vengeful fury from hell.

Als je Nederlands bent is De Candystop een aanrader.
Dit dagboek speelt enkele jaren later, maar er komen minstens evenveel mooie mannen in voor.
En veel beroemder.

BOOK SHOP

These are my English titles:
Dutch American Diary 2008-2009  €15
LS Diary 2012-2013                                € 10
Bedtime Stories 2014                            €15
Mirage 2014                                               €5
Big, diaries and erotica 2015-2016 € 20
Get a 25% discount on all prices in the shop.
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

De volgende Nederlandse boeken
zijn ook op voorraad bij boekhandel de Feeks in Nijmegen
verzending gratis v.a. € 17,50

Het Boek Benjamin           € 45
verzameld werk NL en Engels.
Het enige boek dat hier niet inzit is Witte Tijgerin, dus mijn andere Nederlandse boeken zitten hier wél in.

Mango                                 €15
coming of age novelle

22 erotische verhalen   € 15
literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin

Witte Tijgerin                  €5
gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie

After 15 years I quit teaching yoga (top 3 things I look forward to)

Published on by LS HarteveldLeave a comment

I wish I had a quote at hand, to mark the occasion.
Something deep and meaningful, that would put me flushing a fifteen year long career down the drain, into perspective.
Although: “Done!” would probably suffice.
It’s strange how long it can take before you realize half an income as an entrepreneur is actually worse than no income at all.
At least if there was none, it would be clear nothing is coming, right?
Now I invested (can I say wasted, or is that too cynical?) years reinventing my business and myself.
Just to be clear:
The reason I quit teaching is that I’m prioritizing writing and publishing books. And in order to do that, I need money coming in.
Ideally, I would have that coming in from writing the books, but if that’s not the case I don’t have time for extra hobbies.
Writing is my hobby.
Once it starts paying the bills, I can start adding extras -such as teaching yoga, marketing and mindset – but until my Harteveld Bestseller Revenues start pouring in, I don’t have anything to spare.
Least of all time.
That having said, the result of this pragmatic choice is that this morning, for the first time in 15 years, I woke up not being a yoga teacher.
And much to my surprise, I find myself being excited about this!
Here’s my top three things I look forward to, now that I am no longer a yoga teacher.

3. writing

Duh, right?
But I had not anticipated this almost child-like excitement.
I now “officially” have permission to write a blog post here, in English, every day, for the rest of my life. Because I no longer own a “real” business that is making money.
Blogging here will be the number one thing I do every day.
On a little side note:
I ll be going on a little trip this week.
It’s just a few days, but I do not own a laptop and intend to keep it that way. I always use precious days away from home to get inspired.
So no writing. My next blog will be Friday, earliest.

2. Real holidays and nights off

I haven’t had a holiday since 2014. Much of it had to do with the cats, who were both sick in their final years and needed me home.
But aside from that, for a yoga business the two classic holidays, Christmas and summer, are two seasons you bust your ass off to ensure that in January and September new students will be signing up for your courses.
Oh, and then there’s the summer season as a whole, where you still pay for your studio, yet can’t offer your full program.
At least I couldn’t.
So you’re basically partially unemployed for two months of the year.
And to have my nights off!
Oh, I so look forward to that.
From now on, it will pay off to go to bed early, because I don’t have nights where I m not home before 10.30 PM anyway; And therefor not in bed before 11.30 PM because I have to unwind first.
Being a morning person, working nights made it impossible for me to optimize my sleep-work-leisure schedule.

1. yoga!!

Trust me, no one is as surprised about this one as me.
Yesterday (before I made the decision to quit) I had even made my peace with the fact that if I wanted to start taking care of my body, with yoga and or fitness, I would do well making peace with the fact that I absolutely hated doing it.
And to simply commit to do it, without expecting to like it.
But the moment I knew I never had to teach another class in my life, if I didn’t want to, I felt a liberating shift.
Suddenly there was so much space.
Including space to enjoy the practice of yoga, which I had started dropping out of the moment I started teaching it.
I m so incredibly happy!

A famous saying from Elizabeth Gilbert is:
“Don’t let your creativity pay the bills.”

She could have said the same thing about yoga.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

Subscribe to this daily blog to find out if I actually end up a pious yogi.
Including getting the size 6 body that went with it…..
Follow Twitter ; or Facebook

tenth anniversary of the book that changed my life!

Summer 2008 I started writing in English.
Dutch American Diary 
This diary became the only thing that offered stability during a time where I had just left my partner after fourteen years and two new men were driving me crazy.
A book about starting over in your mid-thirties and reinventing yourself as a lover;
As a woman;
And as a vengeful fury from hell.

Als je Nederlands bent is De Candystop een aanrader.
Dit dagboek speelt enkele jaren later, maar er komen minstens evenveel mooie mannen in voor.
En veel beroemder.

BOOK SHOP

These are my English titles:
Dutch American Diary 2008-2009  €15
LS Diary 2012-2013                                € 10
Bedtime Stories 2014                            €15
Mirage 2014                                               €5
Big, diaries and erotica 2015-2016 € 20
Get a 25% discount on all prices in the shop.
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

De volgende Nederlandse boeken
zijn ook op voorraad bij boekhandel de Feeks in Nijmegen
verzending gratis v.a. € 17,50

Het Boek Benjamin           € 45
verzameld werk NL en Engels.
Het enige boek dat hier niet inzit is Witte Tijgerin, dus mijn andere Nederlandse boeken zitten hier wél in.

Mango                                 €15
coming of age novelle

22 erotische verhalen   € 15
literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin

Witte Tijgerin                  €5
gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie

Turning pain into pleasure

Published on by LS HarteveldLeave a comment

If being a hoe has taught me anything in this life,
it’s that all of your pain can be turned into pleasure.
Paige Owens (18+) on Twitter

When I lay awake in bed last night,  (again) and I was suffering from pain in my chest (again); I made the resolution that from this day forward, till death do me part (and I hoped me doing this was going to seriously postpone that) put self-care first.
And I was going for RADICAL self-care!
Like William Dafoe!
I would be getting up every morning, do a two hour yoga practice, and that was it.
Everything else I got done that day would be a bonus.
But despite real yogis I knew I wouldn’t practice on an empty stomach, and needed breakfast and then coffee.
And I always crawled behind the computer with my coffee to write a post, which took me two to four hours.
It had usually been a blog post for the yoga studio because my focus on making money as LS Harteveld (and therefor doing daily messaging as LS Harteveld) was only a few days old.
But regardless of the account (yoga studio or LSH), writing in pj’s was of course not proper self-care!
So last night I got the idea to start writing the tiniest LS Harteveld sales post, while drinking my AM Latte Macchiatos.
No more lengthy blog posts.
And then I’d do the William Dafoe, and I would live happily and pain free and wildly successful ever after.
I wondered if I would just write the sales post on Facebook?
And then repost it to Twitter?
Or would I be missing out on sales, because people didn’t want to click a Facebook link?
Was I was better off creating blog posts?
And I knew I would ultimately want to collect them!
Like a diary.
Not that I intended to publish a real book with a year of sales posts, of course not. But soon enough they would turn into really great stories that I had not told anywhere else, and then I would be uncomfortable with the idea that they were only on Facebook.
If I wanted to save myself from copy-pasting backwards through my TL, 30 days from now or something, I was better off to immediately publish the sales posts in a blog.
So they were archived.
Meanwhile it was 3 AM, and I was angry that despite me having prioritized writing/ making money from LS Harteveld this week – a commitment I would keep for the rest of my life – I was still suffering the pain in my chest.
I thought that the chest pains had been caused by feeling a pressure to make money with my yoga business; or to make money as a business mentor.
Now that I had decided to focus on writing, and on selling books, I had expected the heart pains to magically disappear.
I did stop having suicidal thoughts and crying, the moment I had vetoed to ever do anything with my cognitive skills/ with my degree/ or even to ever perform emotional labor again.
Yet I didn’t understand why my body was still throwing pain tantrums, when clearly there was nothing to worry about.
Because this was the plan:

option 1.
Write, sell books, have hobby yoga studio, get new cats

Teaching yoga classes is the ideal leisure, to compensate for being behind my desk all day. I was positive that when I became a famous author, I would want to have that studio to stay connected to all the friends I was teaching there.
And that I, a stay at home writer, would get new cats in 2019, after my apartment had been renovated.

I didn’t know when I would start making a living selling books, but I did know I would have to let the studio go, if it took too long.
Which is why there was an alternative plan.

option 2.
Write, sell too few books, cancel yoga studio, downsize life to minimum income level, get a job as a janitor, work 40 hours a week, write at night to stay sane, don’t take cats, lose social life, become lonely, no complaining because so many people have obligations next to their 40 hour job

Two options! This was an actual plan!
And of course the second option was less attractive than the first, but surely no reason to get a heart attack right?

the persistent pain in my chest could also be caused by a hidden backup plan, working title:
under the bridge with a bottle of red wine

In this third option, I had continued the yoga studio just a little too long, downsized insufficiently, or I had not managed to get a job as a janitor.
In that scenario I would end up homeless and with nothing to show for, writing in paper notebooks I carried with me, and with limited to no options to get any posts out into the world.
Maybe they would be released after I died, maybe not.

Still suffering from insomnia I realized I needed to prioritize self-care. I bet William Dafoe slept great, and technically he wasn’t making any commitments to acting or creating other sources of income either.
I was convinced that if I focused on doing my daily yoga practice, I too would be able to sleep, and I would stop suffering from pain in my chest. But since it was a pretty ungodly hour for yoga, I decided to masturbate instead.

click the photo for the post A Porn Star Love Life; which I wrote exclusively about Steve Holmes.
And it made him blush.
(!!)

So I went onto Twitter, to the TL of Steve Holmes.
Steve Holmes is my favorite porn actor, and unlike Facebook, Twitter lets you (and Steve) post EVERYTHING.
I don’t have to download or Google or pay: I can get aroused just browsing the promotional gifs, trailers and clips on Steve Holmes’ TL.
And from there I clicked to Paige Owens:
one of the actrices Steve had worked with.
And between all the porn (enough to ensure I would have no trouble getting off masturbating in a sec) I found this tweet from her:

And I stopped.
Of course, she was right.
OF COURSE!
This was my specialty. This was what I was all about. This is why, although I had not heard from my lover Mr.Big for a while, I liked him not contacting me as much as I liked it if he did.
The pain of loneliness made the pleasure of seeing him, so much sweeter.
Just like sex, where pain makes the pleasure more intense. I knew I had the same fetish in life as well, but I had not realized until Paige’s tweet that I needed this.
That I would rather suffer heart pains at night, than to live a balanced life.
I didn’t need sales posts and a steady income selling books.
I didn’t need a two hour yoga practice.
For me as a writer, a submissive, a pain junkie;
I needed that pain in my chest as much as I needed tough love from Mr.Big.
I closed Twitter, masturbated, and slept like a baby.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

subscribe to this daily blog to find out if I end up a millionaire or a million miles down the hill; or follow Twitter ; or Facebook

Want to know exactly how much tough love Mr.Big Has Given me?

You can buy my book
Big
diaries and erotica
in my book shop.
It opens with the story “The Biggie”; about my first time anal sex.

Als je Nederlands bent is ook 22 erotische verhalen een aanrader!
Je kunt deze kopen in mijn Lulu shopje;
of bij de Feeks in Nijmegen.
De Feeks verstuurt ook.
Om 22 erotische verhalen, met heeel veel tough love,
bij de Feeks te kopen scroll naar beneden.

BOOK SHOP

These are my English titles:
Dutch American Diary 2008-2009  €15
LS Diary 2012-2013                                € 10
Bedtime Stories 2014                            €15
Mirage 2014                                               €5
Big, diaries and erotica 2015-2016 € 20
Get a 25% discount on all prices in the shop.
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

De volgende Nederlandse boeken
zijn ook op voorraad bij boekhandel de Feeks in Nijmegen
verzending gratis v.a. € 17,50

Het Boek Benjamin           € 45
verzameld werk NL en Engels.
Het enige boek dat hier niet inzit is Witte Tijgerin, dus mijn andere Nederlandse boeken zitten hier wél in.

Mango                                 €15
coming of age novelle

22 erotische verhalen   € 15
literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin

Witte Tijgerin                  €5
gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie

Watering the Bamboo Tree – five years to becoming the first 7-figure Dutch author, WRITING whatever the fuck I want

Published on by LS HarteveldLeave a comment
Seeing my books in stores all over the world

It took me over an hour to come up with this title.
And that’s including Googling if it was “to become” or “to becoming”.
Only to then find that even native English speakers have trouble with that one, and that I had done it correctly. If I hadn’t, I would have felt even more self-conscious claiming this insanely high income goal, writing in a language that’s not mine.
But I would have pushed through.
No more backing down because it has never been done before.
No more buying into my limiting beliefs, or someone else’s scarcity stories a.k.a. well-meant yet soul crushing advice.
From now on I ll have you expelled from my circle of friends, if you don’t understand that I d rather end up homeless than to put my brain up for hire for anything else than doing my purpose work.
That’s why I added:  “writing whatever the fuck I want”
So I wouldn’t waste time thinking about offers or ideas that were kinda what I wanted. Things I wouldn’t mind…
Like having a profitable yoga business.
Being a successful business mentor for other writers, artists and entrepreneurs.
Or even speaking gigs.
I would love those things, and I ll gladly keep them on as hobbies. But this 5 year goal is about PRIORITIZING. It’s about realizing that it’s better to be living hand to mouth, but with your goal clearly visualized;
Than it is to make €36.000 annually losing sight of what really matters.
The 7-figure income goal is not cumulative.
It means my annual revenues in 2023 are a million or more; from WRITING whatever the fuck I want.
The reason I capitalized the word writing, is because for personal development authors it’s so easy to get distracted spreading yourself too thin by using too many different media to promote yourself.
And so easy to get tempted into developing multiple income streams doing other things than writing. This is because we see ourselves as personal development entrepreneurs; not writers.
And that’s a mistake.
Which is why I made a not-to-do list.

MY NOT TO DO LIST

Here are three activities/ income streams/ promos that I ve come to realize, are just not going to work for me.
And why.

NOT TO DO #1: promoting MYself using Instagram/ YouTube/ live streams

I have a YouTube channel, and I m not going to say I ll never create another video; But it’s not going to be part of my daily messaging, weekly content or whatever.
So on the subject of writers using different media to share their message I m gonna say this (cover your ears, gonna shout)
WRITERS NEED READERS
IF YOU PREFER VIDEOS AND PHOTOS
YOU RE NOT A READER
AMEN
Sorry about that.
Keep in mind I m the one with the YouTube channel, who needs to hear this most.
Just saying.

NOT TO DO #2: Public Speaking and Conferences

Sure!!!
I m not saying I ll never promote myself. If I just released a book I put a year of my life in, I ll go on tour and everything.
But this is old-school promotion, where you have a brief period of campaigning.
Nowadays most personal development writers are also speakers, who speak on conferences and events and this can take on a life of its own.
I can see myself giving book readings and interviews to promote book sales: but my 7 figure income is not going to come from charging 100K for a day.
I’m not going to be the Tony Robbins of mistresshood.

NOT TO DO #3: selling online Programs or coaching

This is basically number one and two combined: motivational videos with a price tag are an online course;
If you do it in a private Facebook group it’s an online program or Mastermind group;
If you coach 1-on-1 online (worldwide) you have ticket prices ranging up to over $100K for a year of premium coaching.
Online coaching and online programs are even more profitable than public speaking.
But there is no such thing as a quick buck.
Setting up and running an online business, will be totally draining for a writer.
If you love writing, or provide any other service (like teaching yoga) my advice is to put a hard limit on creating an online business, before the devil seduces you.
Hashtag done.

watering the bamboo tree

My title for this five year project stems from a Les Brown video that is both encouraging, as well as disheartening.
So disheartening that I considered omitting it, and changing the title for something that ensured results a little bit faster.
For example a 6-figure income in one year.
The story Les Brown talks of, is about the Chinese Bamboo “tree”, which takes 5 years of daily watering and fertilizing. But once it breaks through the ground, it shoots up to ninety feet in five weeks.
The lesson being:
If you work on your dreams, you may have nothing to show for, for the first five years.
But keep watering it.
Keep fertilizing it.
Every day!
Despite what people are saying; despite having nothing to show for it.
Never stop! Keep going!
For five years with nothing to show for if you must.
Because once you break through the soil;
you will shoot up to the sky in five weeks.

Want to grow your own money tree?

For the next five years, I ll be sharing my watering schedule, fertilizing secrets and other daily habits that will ensure the Chinese Bamboo grows into a 7-figure income.
The subscribe button should be somewhere on this page.
Have you found it?
And you can get to know me better by through my erotica and diaries at my new improved shop (English books, might have to scroll down)

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

Twitter
or Facebook

These are my English titles:
Dutch American Diary 2008-2009  €15
LS Diary 2012-2013                                € 10
Bedtime Stories 2014                            €15
Mirage 2014                                               €5
Big, diaries and erotica 2015-2016 € 20
Get a 25% discount on all prices in the shop.
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

De volgende Nederlandse boeken
zijn ook op voorraad bij boekhandel de Feeks in Nijmegen
verzending gratis v.a. € 17,50

Het Boek Benjamin           € 45
verzameld werk NL en Engels.
Het enige boek dat hier niet inzit is Witte Tijgerin, dus mijn andere Nederlandse boeken zitten hier wél in.

Mango                                 €15
coming of age novelle

22 erotische verhalen   € 15
literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin

Witte Tijgerin                  €5
gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie

Using marketing & sales to magnetically attract your dream lover (m/f)

Published on by LS HarteveldLeave a comment

I’m not going to bother you with the details!
But suffice to say that within four days I went from in tears, desperate, and on the verge of accepting my “dream job” (which was somebody else’s dream job, obviously) –
and for the purpose of this story it’s worth mentioning that at this stage I was convinced I needed a second lover to complete my life-
to deliriously happy choosing writing and speaking as my life’s purpose, and treating my brain to a “not for sale nor hire nor rent” sign.
All my cognitive skills would from now on be reserved for writing.
I was no longer a brain for hire.
Not even if my life, or income, or financial means were dependent on it.
I just wasn’t available for that anymore.
I did have one safety measure in my plan to conquer the world with my writing: I was going to write, speak, sell under two different names, in two different languages, and about two vastly different subjects:
My Dutch account would be about marketing and sales techniques for small business owners.
And my English work would be about mistresshood, and how to be a good mistress.
But I just realized those two things are EXACTLY the same!
That although I still intend to publish a book
The Daily Mistress
Confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
here on this account LS Harteveld.
As well as * insert some flashy title on marketing and sales for small business owners * under my real name.
It simply has to end with me writing a book, combining the lessons of both!
Because they’re exactly the same!

Out of the top of my head, here are three ways in which marketing and sales use techniques and principles to becoming magnetically attractive to the opposite sex.

1. standing your ground

This is probably the most important piece of advice I can give anyone active on any market; whether it’s dating, teaching yoga or professionally trimming the bushes.
Oh.
That came out all wrong.
But you get what I mean: clients and potential partners need you to radiate self-esteem, because it shows you know what you’re doing. It makes them feel safe.
Lowering your price or other standards, indicates you’re unsure of yourself.
That’s why it all starts with standing your ground.

2. long-term Connection

This is HUGE!
And it’s actually a fairly new principle in marketing, that originates from people using social media. Because social media will make a hit-and-run sale practically impossible, long-term focus has become a must.
And this goes for relationships too.
Now that it’s so easy to “out” strangers you slept with on social media, the “Know, Like, and Trust Factor”- the corner stone of marketing- has become crucial in selecting bed partners as well.
If you lead someone on, not revealing you’ll run after one night or already have a partner or whatever, you’ll have that blowing up in your face on social media in minutes.
So flirting and selling start by building something that’s meant to last regardless if the outcome is a sale/ sex/ a marriage/ whatever.
It’s the dreaded friend zone (between men and woman) and the “freebie” hunter- stage, that will drive any online-entrepreneur crazy, that you simply MUST learn to enjoy!
If you can’t accept a relationship without scoring, and you keep pushing for more?
You lose.
It really is that simple.
Either you can be the classic used-car sales man, using sleazy techniques to push someone into buying. Or you can be a modern used-car sales man who writes his private number on his business card and says:
“I understand you need to be careful where you spend your money. If you’re considering buying somewhere else, I can come take a look for you. It’s a free service, I just want you to be fully happy with what you’ve bought.”
Guess which one will get raving reviews, friends telling friends, and people throwing credit cards at them?
And can you see how someone being friend-zoned has the possibility to rise?
As long your presence in the friendship comes from what I said at 1:
high self-esteem and don’t lower your standards.
Taking things slow and enjoying the client or relationship at any stage, is key number two to becoming magnetically attractive.

3. focus on your client/ date

This is what separates the men from the boys. And the mistresses from the wives, I’d say.
Because this type of sensitivity is actually giving someone your FULL attention. Which will make them feel so loved. And it’s actually feels pretty awesome to give as well.
It’s the best thing ever.
Here’s how it works:
In order to give someone your full attention, you have to look at someone with true empathy and only focus on how you can help them and have a good time together.
There is zero room for your ego, of wanting to be exclusive, or to be the best in your business, and so on. You are one hundred percent focused on serving your client or date; you’re not pushing your own agenda.
This is of course not something you’re going to keep up 24/7
Which is why you must only meet/ contact/ show up selling when you feel good in your own skin and are able to connect with the other person.

It’s now Thursday afternoon, and despite the pleasure it’s been to write this I realize I ve run out of time already!
I should have left half an hour ago.

Maybe that’s the biggest lesson marketing can teach the dating industry:
Resources are scarce.
And your reputation fragile.
Don’t waste them.

enjoyed our time together?

You re welcome to subscribe for our next date:
The Follow button is somewhere on this page.
Have you found it?
And you can get to know me better by through my erotica and diaries at my new improved shop (English books, might have to scroll down)

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

Twitter
or Facebook

These are my English titles:
Dutch American Diary 2008-2009  €15
LS Diary 2012-2013                                € 10
Bedtime Stories 2014                            €15
Mirage 2014                                               €5
Big, diaries and erotica 2015-2016 € 20
Get a 25% discount on all prices in the shop.
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

De volgende Nederlandse boeken
zijn ook op voorraad bij boekhandel de Feeks in Nijmegen
verzending gratis v.a. € 17,50

Het Boek Benjamin           € 45
verzameld werk NL en Engels.
Het enige boek dat hier niet inzit is Witte Tijgerin, dus mijn andere Nederlandse boeken zitten hier wél in.

Mango                                 €15
coming of age novelle

22 erotische verhalen   € 15
literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin

Witte Tijgerin                  €5
gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie

Warrior Princess

Published on by LS HarteveldLeave a comment

Today I was having a bit of a scatter-brain-day;
It was raining which sabotaged my plans to go for a walk.
And by the time it was dry my day had been so unsatisfactory that I didn’t give a fuck about walking anymore. I just wanted to get shit done. Because I had spent the unwelcome extra hours indoor pondering questions like:
“Hmmm? Should I perhaps take that coaching training? Learn that skill? Work that job?”
Only to then conclude: OF COURSE THE FUCK NOT.
And got completely lost in trying to make money, saving myself, and sticking to my newborn dream. Which at times, I completely forgot about.
I felt like a parent forgetting they just had a child.
Shameful.
Your PURPOSE comes by and that’s how easily you’re offtrack?
Really?
And a nasty voice in my head even wanted to convince me, I might as well take the easier road then, to a life where the bills are paid.
“Since apparently, your dream is not that important to you anyway.”
But of course it is very important to me. It’s just that if three days ago you still thought of yourself as a yoga teacher, and now you know that your future is to become a sprinter/ athlete; you need time to adjust.
I have caught myself making a gagging sound, if Facebook suggests a yoga post to me, that’s how much I ve completely had it with all of yoga. Which doesn’t mean I don’t see myself doing yoga anymore. I just might! Once I ve completely distanced myself from it, anything can happen.
But right now, I m in the: “I can’t believe we let this drag on for so long”-phase.
And it’s just a little hard for me to stay the course, the vision is still so new! It’s not ingrained yet.
But it’s there.
Of course it’s there!
So when I had wasted the good part of my day grasping at straws and not getting any closer to feeling better, I decided I needed to reconnect with my dream. No matter how vague it was. No matter how discouraging, that I had not heard yet from the number one organisation that I was relying on for help.
But this was not their dream.
I wanted to become a sprinter, an athlete over forty. And I was going to monetize that as soon as possible: It was my dream.
And I was going to build it alone, and with my bare hands if I had to.
So I Googled on the psychology of sprinting.
First I encountered a lot of articles on psychology when training sprinters. Which wasn’t what I was looking for, but it did gave me an article that unexpectedly moved me to tears.
It turned out that ever since the eighties, running was explained with the spring model: The idea that like a pogo stick the body compresses like a spring, and then releases, producing an upward and forward running motion.
They kind of vaguely knew that the sprinters had “more of a spring” in their step, but no one knew why.
Until in 2014 science showed that elite sprinters were not working on the pogo stick mechanism.
Elite sprinter aggressively kicked the ground!
The technique was the same among all of the elite sprinters, and not present among any of the other sports men and women who participated in the study.
Like I said it brought tears to my eyes. I was like: “I fucking knew it.”
It resonated with me, because I knew I had denied my own ability to aggressively kick the ground. I had started to believe that what I instinctively did (immediately push back in the blink of an eye!) was wrong, immature, dangerous even. As adults we were supposed to endure. Both in the sense of negativity/ bad things happening to us, as well as that we endured on our quest to get what it was that we wanted.
We didn’t just hit it in the head!
It was as if that sole sentence, that the sprinters kicked the ground, brought up all the strength-and-aggression shaming I had experienced all my life. Or at least had experienced until I had pushed it so far down that I forgot it existed. And becoming a yoga teacher became as good a job as any, since I wasn’t allowed to show my strength anyway.
I was way too fucking dangerous.
I was out of control.
Not civilized.
Might as well go to sleep then.
And I did.
My profile photo on my personal page on Facebook is one where I am asleep, and I have participated with that photo in a bunch of professional groups. Vaguely aware that this would be a good time to switch it for something more professional. And I also wondered why I was so attached to keeping it up.
And I realized the sleeping beauty picture was because that was how I saw my life:
“This is how much I engage in life. It’s safest for everybody. You don’t want to wake me up.”
I was not keeping myself small; I was fully absent. I was literally refusing to participate in life, refusing to show my true self.
Maybe the gagging sounds to the Facebook ads were simply me waking up. And was me not so much loathing yoga, but my own flaky attitude. That I had actually let them win, and coiled back up into hiding between the yoga mats for twenty fucking years, where I wouldn’t hurt anyone.
Not even the ground underneath my feet.
It reminds me of how I ve viewed working for a boss. I have always assumed everybody hated that. That it was simply a necessary evil if you wanted certain perks and benefits. But that you were handing in your declaration of independence in exchange for your contract.
I assumed everybody saw it like that.
Just like I assumed everybody’s first instinct was to push back!
But that they had chosen for the perks associated with being civilized.
Later I did found the article I was looking for. On the psychology of sprinters versus marathon runners. It was a selection method they applied in World War 2, in the UK air force. The ones with a sprinter attitude operated the planes that were to take off within minutes, and only had enough fuel and bombs for sixty minutes of battle.
The ones with the mental makeup of marathon runners were stationed on planes as a team, and their time in battle could last up to eight hours.
The article ended with the I expect supposedly soothing conclusion, that it required both psychological traits, to be a balanced personality. That to be either/or was a sign of Schizophrenia.
But I wasn’t listening. The previous article had already showed me where I needed to my life to go.
Move as fast as you can.
Go alone.
And don’t forget to kick the ground.

Like the fast track?

My life changes as lightning speed.
The Follow button is somewhere on this page.
Have you found it?
Of if you really don’t want to wait for this happy end, you can buy my erotica and diaries at my new improved shop (English books, might have to scroll down)

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

Twitter
or Facebook

These are my English titles:
Dutch American Diary 2008-2009  €15
LS Diary 2012-2013                                € 10
Bedtime Stories 2014                            €15
Mirage 2014                                               €5
Big, diaries and erotica 2015-2016 € 20
Get a 25% discount on all prices in the shop.
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

De volgende Nederlandse boeken
zijn ook op voorraad bij boekhandel de Feeks in Nijmegen
verzending gratis v.a. € 17,50

Het Boek Benjamin           € 45
verzameld werk NL en Engels.
Het enige boek dat hier niet inzit is Witte Tijgerin, dus mijn andere Nederlandse boeken zitten hier wél in.

Mango                                 €15
coming of age novelle

22 erotische verhalen   € 15
literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin

Witte Tijgerin                  €5
gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie

3 Rules for Artists To Prevent Insomnia

Published on by LS HarteveldLeave a comment

It’s already after 10 pm on a Saturday night.
If I go to bed in 90 minutes or so, heart pains and maybe even anxiety will be my fate.
Because I broke rule number one today:
Do your art every day.
And I broke rule number two as well:
do 15 minutes of intense physical work-out, such as interval training or sprint training.
And by writing this blog post, I am cutting that back to breaking only rule number two. But I am breaking rule number three:
Never do number 1 or 2 after 8pm.
So even though I ll have a better feeling about today, writing is no ensurance that I ll sleep.
Just that lying awake and suffering will not be for nothing.

Rule number 1 for creative souls: Art comes first

I can already hear my own objections to this:
What if people have regular jobs?
What if they have to choose between art and sleep?
And so on.
I get it.
And those things are totally cool. Look at me: even though I had the entire day to myself, I engaged in so much walks and relaxation (assuming I didn’t need to create today) yet tonight I have the choice between lying awake all hyped up because I wrote at night time; or lying away because my thoughts are forcing me to put them on paper, so that they can develop themselves further around this topic of How To Live Life.
But the idea to put art first goes way further than just preventing insomnia: Not creating art, makes me hate everything.
The last three days, I ve been on the verge of completely shutting down my yoga studio and my career as a yoga teacher. Twice. Both days I didn’t write for this account LS Harteveld.
I did write copy for my yoga studio, but it is astonishing how unfullfilling that is even if I do like writing there.
But I need THIS.
I need to open a blog post, and not having a fucking clue what it will be about.
If it’s about porn and I get a RT from a porn star I get read by hundreds.
And Friday night’s post was read by six people.
And that too, is totally cool.
Because I write for me. My art is a mandatory daily activity in order to function in the normal world. Even on days that I think it’s not a necessity! On my fifty minute walk through the park, I was so caught up thinking about starting track training, and the psychology of that (leaping, sprinting, high jumping) that I thought:
“This is so funny. I usually have to write if I have so much going on in my head. But this development of me thinking about yoga and athletics is so totally unrelated.”
Oh, yeah. Sure. How the hell did I buy into that story?
OF COURSE I had to write about it. Would have served me well if I had realized that immediately. Instead of waiting until after 10 pm thinking:
“Fuck! I m not able to wind down! I need to release my thoughts or I won’t be able to sleep!”
And meanwhile I had almost pulled the plug on my yoga studio, that’s how unhappy I was with my entire life.
–> HATING YOUR LIFE IS WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU DON’T PUT ART FIRST<–
And this has huge implications!
Because I don’t know about you, but my blog posts can take up to four hours to write. You can’t squeeze that in before your 9AM appointment.
yet my advice is still to practice your art daily, simply to avoid starting to hate your day job. Not practicing your art will have you projecting your feelings of dissatisfaction onto your job, your kids, or even onto art itself.
Take care of your art.
Regardless of how many things you have to cancel, or drop out of, in order to make that happen: the ramifications of not doing it, are far worse.
Knowing you did your art will make you sleep like a baby.

Rule number 2 for creative souls: Exercise

I just shared a bit about my current obsession with track training.
Sprint.
Leap.
And aim high.
I m already at the point where I believe that how you exercise is how you live.
Or how you think you should live.
I roughly estimate that half of adults either do no exercise or walk or cycle:
their routine is a direct extension of their life, which is calm or even stagnated, in the case of not exercising.
Then there’s a large group who play games!
Read: like groups and competition.
But the largest group do common sports like: distance running, cycling, cardio, fitness, classes at the gym, interval training.
All forms of working out that train your endurance, and ability to deal with chronic stress and often create circumstances where you can go into some state of trance.
But the percentage of people who do sports where you can just feeeeel the  excitement, is extremely small:
Surfing.
Fencing.
Boxing.
Dancing.
Maybe it’s me, but I m guessing that as an artist you will feel way more inspired to pick up one of those up, than repetitive, predictable sports.
And there is a reason for this too!
Because you know what?
The reason you are even prone to insomnia in the first place, is because everything about being an artist is unpredictable and disruptive. That is the very nature of creative energy: you are leaving the ground, lifting off, trusting that one hour, or four, or one day from now, you’ll land safely.
But you’re not sure.
Your whole life could change during the time you’re creating your painting, writing your blog posts, designing your choreography or whatever you do.
You could come out an entirely different person, and yet that’s the thing you put yourself through every day.
So most of all, you need to do sports that totally occupies you, fascinates you, and that inspires you.
But that’s not what I said right?
I defined it as doing something to get your heart rate up for fifteen minutes.
The reason I put emphasis on that, is that when you create your art, you are letting creative energy, Life, flow through you.
That is MASSIVE.
And you do it with your awareness in your work. Or some other astral plane.
I ve often joked, that my computer sucks my soul in it, when I m writing. And holds it hostage until after I hit publish.
My body needs to go without my soul for however long it takes for me to finish the post.
And even if I do manage to create an experience that is not zombiefying, I still notice the fast, shallow breathing; the higher heart rate.
Your body is going through hell having to channel all that creative energy!
You will want that body trained, and being able to deal with pressure and stress. So even if your sport of choice would be yoga (to name just one!) I would urge you to throw in something intense as well, that will keep you strong and push your limits.
And of course physical exercise is the number one remedy to avoid insomnia.

3. Don’t do 1 or 2 after 8 pm

But you already knew that one right?

It’s midnight now…

So I guess there is a fourth rule.

4. If it’s after 8 pm, improvise and hope for the best.

LEAP Baby

Are you joining me, on this track?
Like I said, I intend to write every day because of rule number 1.
The Follow button is somewhere on this page.
Have you found it?
You can buy my erotica and diaries at my new improved shop (English books, might have to scroll down)

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

Twitter
or Facebook

These are my English titles:
Dutch American Diary 2008-2009  €15
LS Diary 2012-2013                                € 10
Bedtime Stories 2014                            €15
Mirage 2014                                               €5
Big, diaries and erotica 2015-2016 € 20
Get a 25% discount on all prices in the shop.
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

De volgende Nederlandse boeken
zijn ook op voorraad bij boekhandel de Feeks in Nijmegen
verzending gratis v.a. € 17,50

Het Boek Benjamin           € 45
verzameld werk NL en Engels.
Het enige boek dat hier niet inzit is Witte Tijgerin, dus mijn andere Nederlandse boeken zitten hier wél in.

Mango                                 €15
coming of age novelle

22 erotische verhalen   € 15
literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin

Witte Tijgerin                  €5
gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie