Over and Over

That was quick!
Within days after Lauren has decided she wants to make her flaky love life next level awesome, she has The.Best.Sex.Of.Her.Life.

It wasn’t just having the best sex of my life, that explains for the long absence here.
It was something else.
Technically, my decision had been, or maybe even still is, to get two lovers.
Two men I was totally in love with.
And I wasn’t going to name them beforehand.
I wasn’t going to say one of them was my current lover Mr.Big.
And I certainly wasn’t going to limit myself, saying one of the lovers was Christopher, the man who had been able to kick my affection for new men out of hibernation.
And with whom I had been in a status quo;
With him not wanting to jeopardize his marriage, and me respecting that choice.
But things had started moving and I couldn’t possibly write about what had happened within the setup I had put Christopher in. The web of lies would become too complicated.
You see: I don’t actually speak the truth here.
Or as my creativity coach said:
“You’re not?! We all thought you were dating Idris Elba and living out all our fantasies!”
Referring to the fact that I had used the photo of Idris Elba on my posts about Christopher.
No, I m not dating Idris Elba.
Out of all the characters, and especially the male ones, and IN PARTICULAR the men I have feelings for, the only thing I can guarantee you is that I don’t switch genders.
They’re all indeed male.
Everything else could be a lie.
I have no idea why I m telling you this, but I feel deeply unfulfilled because I haven’t written here for sooo long. I feel a need to amp things up, and reveal all that I can.
That’s the impossible position I have been in;
On one hand so many things have happened with so many men, that I can’t write about. Or not without seriously altering the truth, in a way that I lose emotional connection to it, and therefor lose interest to write about it.
And on the other hand, it is so nourishing for me to write here. For this account.
It pushes me to dig deeper, and expose layers of myself I didn’t even know existed. Or it confronts me with truths, that I can easily bypass for my other Dutch diary, which is connected to my yoga studio.
This year, I went through months of reorganizing my life and my business. And although the causes were many, I m pretty certain that a large part had to do with me missing the fact that I was in love with Christopher.
I was in a permanent restless state, which I tried to settle by reorganizing the aspects in my life I could control.
But the reason I didn’t see the affection, the crush, was because I didn’t allow myself to write here. Or not enough anyway.
I managed to miss those emotions, because I didn’t dig deep enough. I didn’t investigate what the fuck was going on…
So this week I WAS aware of everything happening, and yet I couldn’t share any of it. It was highly frustrating. And now it’s Sunday, and I still have no idea how to proceed this journal, this blog, my life.
But I do know that I need to start sharing everything I can before I accidentally reorganize my entire business (and I was well on my way today!) out of sheer frustration over everything and everyone, that requires to stay under the radar.
Best sex with Mr.Big however, does not need to stay under the radar.
I’m still unsure why he was suddenly available a long date, when he had been keeping that from me for so long.
But Mr.Big, or the Universe, had another surprise for us as well;
Not just a long date, but intimacy to the max.
Now I do hope that we’ll soon pick up our List Of Unfulfilled Perverted Fantasies (to be honest, this is not “our” list; it is mine) but we didn’t that night.
We had the most intimate sexual experience we ever had in those three and a half years that I had been his secret mistress.
He made me dinner, and we talked a little bit about the things he had told me the last time, about what had been going on in his life.
We didn’t talk about my crush on Christopher at all, but I don’t rule out that me telling him a month ago, about these feelings, had inadvertently forced Mr.Big to rethink what he wanted from our affair.
If he was going to keep withdrawing, leaving my heart for the wolves or whomever was going to cut me a better deal.
Or if he wanted to stay in the game.
The fact that we made love for hours on end, never really stopping, both having too many orgasms to count, convinced me he had chosen the latter.
Mr.Big wanted to stay in the game.
And he was reclaiming me in a way that would practically make it impossible for another man to conquer me.
You see, Mr.Big knows me.
And he knows how much effort it would cost me to go against my monogamous nature, and have affairs with two men at once. But he also knows that I’m in love with Christopher, and he knows I think I deserve to have two lovers, or even should be having two lovers, after he had sidetracked me.
He also knows that a second lover wouldn’t be a reaction to him being married, or because he was adventurous in bars or on business trips.
I never asked for details but I knew enough to let it turn me on.
And too little to really be jealous.
His most recent bender had actually excited me, because it had been the first time when he had told me beforehand it was coming.
On the night it happened I was tied to home, probably writing in my diary or something. And I was so happy that he was probably having an adventure!
And that I didn’t have to go, and could still benefit from the secondhand excitement.
So maybe those two things, the threat of Christopher four weeks prior or so, and the connection over his night out with the boys in the month in between, had something to do with us finding new levels of love and of lust.
It was the best night I ever had with him, or any other man.
Mr.Big was right.
The last thing I yearned for now was another man.
And yet I knew it was too late.
That whether I would write about him or not;
Whether it was Christopher or not;
The second lover was already out there.
And I knew what I had to do in order to let him in.
I just didn’t know if I could do it.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

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Over and Over is the sixteenth chapter from Project M.
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tenth anniversary of the book that changed my life!

Summer 2008 I started writing in English.
Dutch American Diary
Just like now, I was in love with two men. And just like now, they were both taken.
And – yes, just like now – I had no idea where life would take me.
This 2008 diary became the only thing that offered stability during a time where I had just left my partner after fourteen years and the two new men were driving me crazy.
A book about starting over in your mid-thirties and reinventing yourself as a lover;
As a woman;
And as a vengeful fury from hell.