Physical Attraction

Lauren seems unharmed by Mr.Big’s wishy washy behavior, as well as Christopher’s decision to not see each other anymore.
She feels comfortable in her own skin, being a mistress.
Without knowing if she’s a mistress to anyone in particular.

Ivy was one of the friends who responded personally to my post where I got put on hold by both Big and Christopher.
The deep-dive after a five day rollercoaster ride where I had finally understood how my feelings for these two men had been disrupting my life from the deepest layers of my soul.
Like low whale noises, you’re not supposed to hear, but that had vibrated my entire life out of place.
Until I found myself between the ruins, and with two men who said they didn’t know if they could still see me.
And yet after the initial shock, I had not felt a thing.
If I looked in the mirror I saw a blushing, happy woman, as if I just had sex. Which was accurate because I did have sex with Mr.Big.
But we didn’t exactly part on the best of terms.
“Mr.Big always withdraws when he’s not feeling well,” Ivy pointed out to me. “He thinks you’re in it for the good times.”
“I’ve told him a million times that I would still love him if he was old and poor,” I sighed. “So that would be pretty stupid.”
But of course Ivy was right. That was what Mr.Big was thinking. And I couldn’t have picked a worse moment to crack open my monomaniacal devotion for Mr.Big, by falling in love with Christopher.
It was hurtful.
But it had been like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Mr.Big’s apparent lack of interest had started months and months ago.
Marginalizing our contact to sixty, ninety minutes instead of the magnificent dates we used to have.
In his defense: he was always fully tuned in to me, and a joy to be around.
The sex was less groundbreaking than it had been, but that had to do with how little time we had for our date.
Not because the intimacy or the desire for each other had not been there.
So nothing was ruined between us, as far as I was concerned. But my heart had found a way to fill the void he left.
And it couldn’t be undone.
A month ago I recorded a cute video (Nederlands), where I asked the Universe for a second lover. I had been quick to dismiss it as a silly idea, and had only posted the video because it had become a tradition that I made an annual video about me and Mr.Big in the Ferris wheel.
I didn’t actually thought having a second lover would be the solution to anything.
I was unsure if my body would even respond to two men.
But what strikes me now if I watch that video is:
You can SEE IT!
I’m in love already!
I might have missed the two giant whales, swimming and vibrating their voices deep down into my subconscious:
One a familiar voice who seemed to be needing time alone.
And one new whale who I thought was there ….  by chance I suppose! That it was just a good whale season or something.
Who knows what I was thinking.
But if you see that video, you can see I m practically high on love hormones. That the whales were impacting me greatly, even as I was recording a video that said:
“I need a second whale.”
Baby, it’s already there!
Look down!
A month has passed since then, and the first whale Mr.Big still needs his time alone. And the second one Christopher has said we can’t see each other anymore.
“I don’t understand why I still feel so good,” I said to Ivy. “My position with Mr.Big is critical as fuck, and I can’t do anything about it.”
And I wasn’t going to contact Christopher either. I was fully going to honor his desire to not see each other anymore.
Yet I felt like putting my hand into the water to let them know I was still here.
“It just doesn’t feel over,” I admitted.
Referring to Christopher.
Ivy shook her head, and said this would not be the end of it.
“That ship has sailed.”

An unexamined life is not worth living

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Physical Attraction is the seventh chapter from Project M. 

tenth anniversary of the book that changed my life!

Summer 2008 I started writing in English.
Dutch American Diary 
Just like now, I was in love with two men. And just like now, they were both taken.
And – yes, just like now –  I had no idea where life would take me.
This 2008 diary became the only thing that offered stability during a time where I had just left my partner after fourteen years and the two new men were driving me crazy.

A book about starting over in your mid-thirties and reinventing yourself as a lover;
As a woman;
And as a vengeful fury from hell.

Als je Nederlands bent is 22 erotische verhalen een aanrader.
Maar je kunt natuurlijk ook gewoon de hele shop leegkopen.


These are my English titles:
Dutch American Diary 2008-2009  €15
LS Diary 2012-2013                                € 10
Bedtime Stories 2014                            €15
Mirage 2014                                               €5
Big, diaries and erotica 2015-2016 € 20
Get a 25% discount on all prices in the shop.
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

De volgende Nederlandse boeken
zijn ook op voorraad bij boekhandel de Feeks in Nijmegen
verzending gratis v.a. € 17,50

Het Boek Benjamin           € 45
verzameld werk NL en Engels.
Het enige boek dat hier niet inzit is Witte Tijgerin, dus mijn andere Nederlandse boeken zitten hier wél in.

Mango                                 €15
coming of age novelle

22 erotische verhalen   € 15
literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin

Witte Tijgerin                  €5
gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie


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