The Last Letter of LS Harteveld

source BuzzFeed, click photo: “This is what the aids crisis looked like in the 80s”

It’s noon on a Thursday, and the past 24 hours I spent how many of them on content I ultimately did not post?
Five hours?
Seven?
My most recent accomplishment is deleting a 20 minute video for a YouTube channel under my real name, after editing it and writing out the description in the box.
.

The only thing I have been confidently sharing is my Dutch work under my real name. That is either “just” yoga or it is really loving and safe.
No feathers are ruffled.
Which is a very small part of me, the part that actually moves through life offering real yoga or soothing art.
Rock Star Yoga, my English work under my real name, is bigger.
And LS Harteveld?
Ooohh… LS Harteveld is definitely the largest part of me.
The raw message that comes out exactly the way it comes out, and that answers to no one.
That? I have in spades.
.
Or had until the Corona crisis.
.
Because I really don’t have anything to say, until there is a vaccine and we can talk about sexuality in a normal way.
Until that time, LS Harteveld doesn’t have a place in this world.
This is not her world.
.
LS Harteveld, the pen name I have been using since 2006, came into being the year I became single.
Her specific goal was to conquer her fears of STD’s/ STI’s/aids, and go beyond to find out what her true sexuality was.

Who was hiding under all that fear?
Not fear of death, but of being banished from society for being sexual.
It is only until recently that I realized that I had been suffering from a social phobia, and had been the victim of mental abuse, similar to pregnancy being the stick to beat Christian girls with.
.
Just like it is a thin line between “Don’t get pregnant.” and “Don’t have sex at all.”, it was a thin line between “Have safe sex.” and “Don’t have sex at all.”.
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And the irony is:
I had hacked this.
.
I came to understand what ambient abuse is, what taking your own responsibility is. And I became a master at tackling every conversation that contained unspecified expectations, and ruthlessly forced the sender of such things to specify EXACTLY what they were suggesting would happen if I did not behave according to their standards.
Or even what their standards were.
I no longer accepted any responsibility for other people projecting their fears of being socially judged, onto me.
That is, until Corona.
.
Because as trained as I am to confront people who pretend to be on the look out for my safety, when it’s their ego I m supposed to protect;
I have no answer to anything, if you threaten me with being responsible for the death of the elderly and the sick.
If me leaving the house equals sick people dying, I don’t just not want to leave the house;
I don’t want to live.
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My entire life (as LS Harteveld) is based on freedom, and in creating the space to live free.
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I remember when I was still deep into my phobia, and the few friends I had confided in didn’t understand why me and my boyfriend didn’t just get tested so the fear would be over.
Because the fear would not be over.
I would have created a situation where I would no longer have to deal with the fear, because I had created a contained environment.
I wanted more.
And one night, when I was in my late twenties, I suffered from an extremely violent panic attack, fueled by an infection of a tooth. And it was in that moment, trembling and suffering from diarrhea, seated on the toilet, that I decided:
“No more.
Give me your best shot, and show me everything you’ve got while you can, Fear, because I don’t know where you thought this was going but I am Not.Backing.Down.”
.
It was in that night that the real me was born. The one who would never bow to fear ever again. Who would look everything right in the eye.
Death.
Judgement.
Social exclusion.
Sorry, not sorry, but No! None of those things will ever be a good enough reason to dance to the beat of what society wants me to do.
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And I began to understand that the sex education based on “Do it safe” had missed a very important aspect: Risk assessment.
That it’s not about “staying safe”;
It’s about understanding what you are risking (pregnancy, death, stigma, social exclusion) as a result of any encounter you have.
The revenues have to outweigh the risks.
It’s not rocket science, it’s not difficult, anyone can do the math and establish for themselves what their risk assessment is.
.
But Corona brought something into the equation that makes this different:
The lives of others.
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Doing your own risk versus benefit assessment for Corona is relatively easy. Even if you do it to flatten the curve, you have some sense of what you are willing to risk.
But making an assessment on whether you are willing to infect others, that is impossible and unbearable.
.
To me “Stay safe”, the Corona mantra, doesn’t imply a concern for my well-being;
It triggers the mental abuse of the eighties and I feel the pressure of having to behave in a way that doesn’t confront you with whatever it is you are not willing to face.
.
At the very minimum “Stay safe” means:
“Please behave in a way that my loved ones and people with poor health are safe.”.
Already something VASTLY different from what you are saying, but okay. I ll keep them safe by living like a hermit and being called out on any social interaction I have.
But that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel we are not addressing the real underlying topic at hand.
Just like in the fifties and the eighties, the threat of social exclusion was not based on a risk assessment with pregnancy or aids being the cons, but on “underbelly emotions” of being punished for having sex;
“Stay safe” doesn’t have anything to do with my well-being;
and very little with the well-being of other people either.
.
I would be very surprised if “Stay safe” would not be code for everything we have not come to terms with..
If it wasn’t an expression of a process of risk assessment that was halted in its steps.
And that couldn’t be finished because the thoughts of loved ones dying or of our own mortality – stepped in and took over.
And maybe “Stay safe” also doesn’t need to be improved.
The thought process doesn’t need to be completed.
As long as the majority of people is okay with it, why bother digging deeper into your fears?
.
But to me “Stay safe”, and all the uncomfortable unfinished thoughts that surround it, all the choices that we’re not making, all the things we’re not saying and the responsibility for banning human touch and interaction that nobody seems to process as to how this affects our humanity;
That is what “Stay safe” means to me.
.
“Stay safe” means
“Mommy is busy and doesn’t want to be bothered with your difficult questions.”
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It means, do as you’re told, stay indoor, don’t fuck, don’t kiss, don’t hug, don’t hold somebody’s hand on their fucking death bed or you are responsible for the death of others.
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LS Harteveld means:
I don’t want to live in that world.
.
Maybe others can live, because I stay indoors for days on end. And because my purpose is apparently to be a good citizen, protect, serve and become a human shield for the innocent. And until my redemption, my body and my touch have become weapons of mass destruction.
If we are sinners for having a body than Corona is the 2020 version of the original sin.
I feel the only way out is to destroy t
he part of myself that is physical, sexual and free.
The part that is LS Harteveld
.
The LS Harteveld that was born in 2006, does not want to live in this world. Doesn’t want the 2020 version of “Why don’t you just both get tested and get it over with.”
She wants to look fear in the eye, yell at it that it better give me its best shot now that it still can because starting tomorrow we take matters into our own hands and Not.Back.Down.
.
And that is what makes me a mass murderer.
It is exactly the kind of mentality that we don’t need.
Mommy really, REALLY, cannot be bothered with people asking difficult questions, which is why I have decided my time has come.
.
And yes, maybe LS Harteveld will be reborn after a vaccine for Corona has been found.
And then you could say that me pulling her out of all this is my way of keeping her alive.
Of keeping her safe.
.
She’s been through enough in the eighties, and she’s not going through it again.
Because that’s the biggest lesson for me, in the eighties.
It all starts with being present.
People can’t abuse you, nor project their fears onto you, if you are not there.
The first choice, in any relationship, is whether you show up.
.
By cancelling my alias, the truest part of who I am, leaving an empty, dutiful shell that will become a successful model citizen, where no one will die because I wasn’t careful enough,
I have done everything within my power to save a world I do not want to live in.
.
the writer formerly known as
~Lauren/LS Harteveld
.
.

coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2020
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4.
Blote Kont- (Dutch)
5. ALL THE THINGS – unpublished work 2010 – 2020

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.
.
Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/

I m ending my YouTube channel & going underground

I ll admit it:
Technically, this is not the YouTube channel that I should be cancelling.
Not the one under this name.
.
Just like technically it are not the posts on this blog, that I should be clearing out.
Nor my original blog.
Nor my Dutch blog.
And yet, that is exactly what I will do. 
.
I will basically decimate my online presence as LS Harteveld, because I have chosen to become known/ active under my real name.
I m finally speaking my truth there.
Don’t get me wrong, it is far from the transparency I have had as LS Harteveld, from 2006 and up; 

But that is exactly why it is manageable.
Why I don’t break into a cold sweat at the idea of someone asking me questions about it, having to explain myself, or even selling my work.
.
Under my real name, my work is genuine enough to be a considered a part of me. But it is impersonal and general enough, to not have the same emotional value, as my work as LS Harteveld.
At least, it won’t once I ve cleared 80% of my blog and YouTube there as well –
because that’s what I will do.
.
The past few months, I am noticing that people become obsessed with me way too easily. This doesn’t have anything to do with my blogs nor my YouTube:
Often they don’t even know I have those.
It has been that way since I was very young, and I suspect all women experience this. But I find the emotional harassment from men I barely know, unbearable.
.
Just tonight I was unlocking my bike, in the city, and someone stopped his bike right behind me, and forced me to have a conversation with him and wanted to get to know me, which of course I refused.
But it WAS the moment when I decided enough was enough.
That I was going to delete my LS Harteveld YouTube channel so that my face would never be known again under that name.
.
I started writing as LS Harteveld in 2006, and it has been so nessecary for me, to cope with life this way.
Writing is my sanctuary.
And I m proud of the books I created in 2017, and look forward to curating all the material I still have and create new ones.
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But in the upcoming years my face and my work will also become known under my real name. And that is the moment when it becomes very inconvenient that my candid LS Harteveld videos exist.
Especially because I will be writing here, and needing this place here, more than ever.
.
The blog you re reading right now, has my 1994 project on it, where I fictionalize real life events to a 22 year old Lauren, who wants to be a writer.
And I also write letters to my creativity coach Sara here.
You can follow this blog by subscribing on this page.
.
Next to that, I have my original blog.
The reason I started using that, is that it doesn’t give out email notifications!
This allows me to write things I want to share on social media, but that I don’t consider my core work.
So if you want to read this extra work, you can follow me on Facebook or Twitter
.
Like I said I expect to write a lot. More than ever before. 
I think my adventures in the real world will really stir my creativity, although I will never write about my payroll job/ work environment where I m not a speaker or writer. 
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So I can no longer afford the candid conversations I ve been having on YouTube.
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Today I was covering a song/ video in a series I m currently doing on YouTube, and I will make a new final video explaining why this brought me to this decision, but the short version is:
The topic I wanted to cover, and which I had actually announced the previous day, suddenly struck me as very unwise to openly discuss.
After a week, rich in drawing unwanted attention to myself, the last thing I wanted to do was put oil to the flame.
And all I did want to do, was pull the plug.
.
So I will.
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Just like in 2010 when I first came online, all photos of me, all videos, will be removed. And the LS Harteveld blog you are on right now – will become a sanctuary where I can be myself and share my best work.
For ever.
.

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

My diaries en erotica are available at my BOOK SHOP


coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2020
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4.
Blote Kont- (Dutch)
5. ALL THE THINGS – unpublished work 2010 – 2020

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.
.
Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/

 

Goodbye to autism. Plus a new way to greet each other.

{ it was really hard for me to write this post. It’s the result of four days of deep thinking, a lot of crying, studying, and fortunately I had three friends who all took me out. Which was a blessing.
But I got this one on paper and never looked back. May contain more mistakes than usual. Feel free to not read it. }

This is not going to be an easy read.
If you re one of those people who believe autism was, is, or ever has been, an objectively identifiable disorder, where the people with whom you felt disconnected in conversations were the only “real” autistic people?
Do yourself a favor and stop reading.
If you re one of those people who thinks it is inappropriate that I study autism in order to understand and heal myself, in the months I have to wait for help?
And would rather see me waiting patiently until “a doctor” comes and determines if I “have autism” or not?
Don’t ever say that to me in person.
And also stop reading.
I wouldn’t want to be the one who makes you lose your faith in the Holy Church of Mental Health.
And I do believe everybody is entitled to their opinion about autism. Although it is exactly this widespread incomplete view of what autism is, where public opinion is that autism in an individual problem, to be solved by the autistic, that is resulting in my high levels of stress.
But like I said:
You’re entitled to your opinion.
Just stop reading.
But to me the “But you’re not sure it is autism, right?” makes it impossible to have an open conversation about why I believe the answer to the problems I have been experiencing the last few years lies in neurodiversity.
Neurodiversity is a neutral label that sees all autistic, ADHD, ADD brains as healthy, and natural variations. And it puts into perspective the “special needs” and limitations of autistics, by stating that all humans have needs.
It’s just that society is directed to the needs of the majority.
And also all people have limitations AND are dependent on other people.
It’s just that for autistics we blame their limitations and dependency on their “condition” and for non-autistics we call it:
Being human.
Needless to say, this entire discussion also goes for physical disabilities as well:
Your level of disability is not related to what you can or cannot do. But to what you can or cannot do, compared to those around you.
In the same way being poor is not related to what the average income worldwide is, but to what your neighbor is spending.
All problems and conditions are contextual.
If all children were born disabled, then from a social perspective, none of them would be disabled. There would be plenty of ways and practical solutions to make everybody participate in society.
It is important to acknowledge the social perspective is much stronger in the way we see mental or physical disability; than the medical perspective.
In my opinion the reason we keep changing the DSM is not because we know more about the disease in the pathological sense, but because society changes and therefor what we see as unwanted behavior changes.
That the definition of autism has broadened since the DSM, causing many more people to be diagnosed, is therefor in my opinion, valid:
It is valid not because there is something medically wrong with all these new “patients”; But because society has become increasingly intolerant towards atypical social behavior.
The neurotypical demands in order to be successful in society have increased. Meaning that even for a normal job and running an average household in the way nobody gets hurt and everybody is taken care of, a skill set and also an interest and a motivation is needed, that greatly exceeds what most of us are capable of.
Us means everybody.
These are the “normal” limitations I was talking about.
But what happens from an autistic perspective is even worse.
Because the higher demands cause a higher need for social interaction. There is a constant need for staying in touch, in tune, with each other, in order to let things go smoothly.
And this is exactly where the autistic, I woudl say “struggles” but that’s not the right word. Among autistics the accuracy of communication equals those among normal, or neurotypical people.
Both groups understand each other perfectly, within the same group.
It’s when the autistics and normal people have to communicate with each other, that communication suffers. With the normal people being the majority everywhere but the IT department?
And with society meanwhile moving forward at dazzling pace?
Autistics are thrown off the wagon left right and center. Except from the IT department.
I have been a yogateacher for 15 years, and part of the reason I am sick, is because that profession, in particular in a crowded market place which yoga has become, requires an exceptional set of neurotypical skills.
Your people skills need to be impeccable in order for your yoga studio to thrive.
Mine weren’t. I have no intrinsic interest in small talk.
Yesterday I went to see Maleficent 2, in which Maleficent practices small talk. Without showing her fangs, also.
She has to go to a dinner with the king and queen, her future son-in-law, but despite the preparation things get awkward right off the bat, because she really can’t do small talk.
“I take it you had no trouble finding the castle?” the King asks.
She stares at him: “Why would I have any trouble finding  the castle?”
To me the social demands of teaching yoga felt like constantly finding creative ways to ask (not even answer) the question:
“I take it you had no trouble finding the castle?”
I was so good at it, I think if an autistic tried to take my classes he might not have recognized me as one of them (which they do now!).
But it wasn’t just the social conversation that made me ultimately unsuccessful and unsatisfied teaching it.
My involvement in yoga was never rooted in the same needs or interest as my fellow teachers had. Nor was it similar to the desire of people who are looking for a yoga class.
Right now, I still teach to friends. And even the final years of my studio things had settled and classes were pleasant for everybody.
But especially the first ten years, I practically erased who I was, so I could teach. I was playing I was a yoga teacher. When I was not a yoga teacher.
I was an autistic.
I know this word autistic and the blunt way I say this will bring shivers down the spines of many, but that’s the whole problem here. That’s why the diagnoses is making me sick.
Because the word autism is so triggering, loaded, political even.
Not to the people who are now fighting for our human rights as autistics, for the depathologization of what we have, and who are offering the neutral term NeuroDiversity instead.
But to the people who think of their autistic sibling, which will be dependent on their help for the rest of their life.
To the people who have worked in health care in the 70s and 80s, or who have simply grown up in this era where there were no people with autism that didn’t diagnose as odd or strange, from the outside.
The earliest diagnosis of what has been called Asperger Syndrome, a high-functioning for of autism, were late 80s, but it was based on research Hans Asperger had done in the 30s.
Asperger syndrome went on to become a household diagnosis for about a quarter century.
In 2011 Asperger’s was dropped from the DSM in favor of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASS); A disorder with a set of characteristics on which the patient could each have an independent score.
“If you know one autistic, you know one autistic.”
Is a phrase often used to describe how varied the spectrum is.
An autistic could be funny and therefor in connection with the world around them, yet communicating through a voice computer because he or she can’t speak.
Lots of autistics are social, and when they’re not mute, they can easily become unrecognizable as being autistic. This has lead to a counter movement that wants to work with a more strict diagnostic tool, and not the loose settings it has now. It is against pathologizing these sometimes called “high-functioning” autistics, and basically advocates going back to the stricter pre-80s definition.
The time between Hans Asperger’s research, and the 80s when it was brushed off and the new group of children was brought in, and labeled Asperger’s.
So there is a “medical model movement” who thinks it’s time to go back to the 70s.
There is the neurodiversity movement, who wants to drop stigma of all neurological conditions and promotes acceptance within society of what we now call autism (in all its forms), ADHD or ADD.
There are The People Formerly Known As Aspergers, who have been “brought up” with the idea that their condition is something completely different, and that they can have a place in society. As opposed to people with autism.
This is why Aspergers have been called Super Autistics: they used to have sort of an elite status. The good news is that it has worked, in the sense that you can see that these people have become the most successful of the bunch.
They are proof that if you tell people:
“What you have could work out great if you play your cards right,” it just might.
The price of this was that those with Asperger Syndrom who have not been able to become financially independent (usually because their interest was not building their own computers) could suffer from feeling they underachieved.
But even in everyday language, an Asperger’s diagnoses almost equals “nothing wrong”. If I had said to people:
“I think I might have Asperger’s”
No one would have drawn back in shock and have asked:
“Noooo! But really? I mean, you re not sure right?”
Asperger’s was no biggie, was the word on the street.
But now that the diagnosis Asperger’s no longer exists, and the “high-functioning” autistics formerly known as Asperger’s are closing the ranks with their fellow autistics, including the non-speakers?
The tables have turned.
“We”, the “high-functioning” autistics who refuse to give themselves the more likable, less political label “Asperger’s” in order to be accepted and successful-
we are now in the line of fire.
The normal people want us (the autistics they like hanging out with) to stop calling ourselves autistics, because it makes them freak out.
The psychologists want to stop diagnosing us as autistics, because they feel the latest version of the DSM contains a watered down definition.
The therapists and lineages within psychology who are convinced we are ill and disturbed and that the neurodiversity people are delusional and that we, modern day mutants, need to be cured?
They don’t want us smart sassy badass autistics “in there” (the pool of autistics) either, because we are not going down without a fight and we are the ones defying their paradigm and ultimately… ultimately….
Suffice to say I understand why 50% of the X-Men can no longer be bothered defending hostile humanity who has done them nothing but harm, and chose to be villains instead.
If I had the energy for this, I would become a neurodiversity fighter!
But I am absolutely exhausted, from doing all my autism research. I tried to find the truth, and the key take-aways for autistic people.
And I found those too.
A lovely community where we understand each other.
But just like The Moren where Maleficent lives, it is under threat. Which makes everyone who wants to live there under threat.
The thought of being under siege just because I have a medical diagnosis that is so political, is what is wearing me out. I just can’t go on.
Not because I think I m not autistic.
But because it opens such a can of social injustice, it would be a life’s work straightening that out.
I myself am developing anxiety around the word autism, when I was entirely neutral a few months ago. I was even very happy that, together with a few specialists who helped me figuring out a starting point, autism had surfaced as most likely explanation.
I was convinced it would be helping me so very much to investigate this further.
Instead it sucked me into a warzone.
Just a few months ago, I though I was suffering from burnout and a midlife crisis, and now I realize I have the choice between getting proper diagnosis, and with that the chances of the best treatment;
Or refusing diagnosis and stay out of the battle and limit my access to services.
The word autism is so triggering to everybody. I m already losing friends not because I have autism, but because I write about my process.
I lose about one friend a month.
And I m already decreasing my chances on the workplace because I openly share undiscovered autism as part of my explanation why I have stopped my studio.
This is important:
To me – an undiagnosed autistic- telling the truth is extremely important.
The neurotypical or normal desire that I please stop writing about my mental health and “not wake the dogs” “until it is certain”, is so incredibly sad to me.
I understand it.
They want protect me from the bad in this world.
From the people who would judge me for my autism.
But they are like people who are telling you you shouldn’t wear short skirts because there are bad people in the world.
That’s why I lose so many friends. Among other reasons.
But because I can ONLY be open and honest? This leaves me no choice but to erase the entire option of getting an autism diagnosis altogether. The only way to ignore I m autistic, is by reprogramming my own mind. Forget I have it, and honestly say, share, admit:
“Yes, I toyed with the thought of getting my diagnoses during a difficult period of my life. But I didn’t.”
That’s all I can afford.
Popular opinion will remain, at least for a few more decades, that “real” autism is something you can notice and that should be prevented. When in reality, autism could not be seen it at least 50% of the cases.
Right from the start.
Hans Asperger studied two groups of children. Two types.
The second group (in the article I read they were called group B) were notably different. What they said didn’t make sense (to Hans) and they were not particularly intelligent or gifted (to Hans).
They were in their own little world and it was unclear what they were doing there (to Hans).
But the first group were boys, in the research they were called group A, were highly intelligent. They constantly got into trouble at school and with their parents, because they were simply a lot smarter than everybody else.
Their disconnection from the world around them was so they could stay in their own little world and come up with bright and original ideas.
And occasionally they would come out, just to gaslight Hans.
“Why do you do that?!” he would yell.
And the Group B boy, the little professors as Hans called them, would smile and say:
“I do it, because you re so funny when you freak out over it.”
Both Group A and Group B had what we now call autism. And what Hans called autism right then, from the start. The capacity from half of all people with autism to gaslight the people who study them, because they are a lot smarter, has been there in the 30s.
And it still is there today.
Because ultimately disorders are not a medical; They are social.
Both the ones living in their own world without us knowing why, as well as the ones encountering severe problems in the real world, but occasionally coming out to tease them:
We are all autistic people.
And we are allowed to present ourselves as such.
But the past few months have been absolutely horrific to me, from a personal perspective. Like I said, every time I write about my mental health and autism, I lose friends, and relationships become tensed because I refuse help in the form of pity. Just like those little professors I don’t want any help. I want to talk about common interests and have fun.
Just like those little boys, I am fighting for my independence.
And the moment I go into testing and put my faith in psychology to help me, I will get That Label Everybody Dreads.
And if I don’t want the label, but do want to appear if I comply. I would probably be able to come out clean and unautistic. It would feel like a fun challenge, to come out as unautistic.
Just like those little boys who had fun in ruining Hans Asperger’s testing results.
Some say the reason the definition of autism has become watered down, is because high intelligence has the same traits as autism/ Asperger. And there has not been done any research that can separate the two.
In that sense the neurodiversity movement should really go all in, and include highly intelligent from the start, as a neurological variation just like all the others.
But it will be without me.
I will stay with the few friends I have left, and rebuild my life without ever knowing want went wrong. And playing with them, in the way we always have.
By creating fantasy worlds.
Creating our own language.
And using film quotes in casual conversation.
And I will propose a new greeting to them. And I encourage you to try out how this would feel for you. It’s the one I took from Maleficent.
How about every time you meet a good friend, one of you says:
“I take it you didn’t have any problem finding the castle?”
And the other raises his or her eyebrows, and offers a puzzled smile:
“Why would I have any trouble finding the castle?”
That would be a world worth living in.

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

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probably on the right.

My diaries en erotica are available at 

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My Year with Kat – How one woman can change your business and your LIFE. For free.

Katrina Ruth. Click the photo to go to her book store or Amazon.
It will be the most exciting thing you see today.

This post was originally sent out as a newsletter 8 December 2017. This repost is to celebrate Kat’s 40th birthday!
Check her amazing VERY temporary offer
HERE https://thekatrinaruthshow.com/40
And follow
Katrina Ruth on Facebook.

 

post:
My Year with Kat – How one woman can change your business and your LIFE. For free.

If I have regrets it’s that I didn’t know Kat Loterzo 18 months earlier, which was when I first stepped onto the marketing path.
But maybe all those other freebies, coaches, paid programs, books, and spending hundreds of euros on Facebook and Google ads were necessary to truly appreciate Kat.
Maybe it really takes throwing away one and a half year of your life, and wasting a king’s ransom rebranding your yoga studio, with marginal results – zero if you compare it to the costs I made to get those results – before you listen to the message of someone as LOUD AND OUTSPOKEN as Kat Loterzo. Who says it comes down to one thing.

And one thing only;
You being YOU.
A message so radically different than anything that calls itself marketing, no one will believe it.
Not unless you have hit rock bottom and learned the hard way that being the good girl, doing your studying, mapping out your packages, and knowing your ideal clients “better than they know themselves” (I m not making this up!) – that all those things are going to do absolutely nothing for you.
Let me type that again, Kat style!
Ab.
So.
Lute.
Ly.
NOTHING!
That it will only result in the way I spent last year’s holidays, decluttering my expanding collection of marketing materials. I almost overlooked the few things I had in there from a new coach. Kat Loterzo. 
Or Katrina Ruth, which is her new name. She rebranded herself about a month ago. 
This new coach Kat Loterzo, was just a few A4s in my marketing folder. And at that time she was so new, I didn’t feel I had to make a decision on her.
So I stored them, and more or less forgot about it until I watched a two hour YouTube video called 
2017 Manifestation Training
And I was mesmerized.
In retrospect it was the moment I fell in love with her. Although unwittingly.
One year after giving her my email address, and the Christmas sorting my marketing materials, I can now see how important she has been this year.
And that I ll spend this Christmas confidently clearing out the entire marketing folder, except the material I got from her.
Unsubscribing for all newsletters and leaving all communities, excepts hers.
And Kat will change your life too, before the year is over if:
1. you start feeling rebellious the moment someone tells you something should be done a certain way in order for it to work
2. you either have your own business or you would love to have one
3. you know which activities light you up from the inside
If you score three out of three (no cheating!), then Kat is your woman.
You can join her Facebook page here, or subscribe to her YouTube
Last week I made a few important decisions.
To focus on yoga, to write for yoga, to message for yoga, to make a living out of yoga, and to keep my LS Harteveld writing as a hobby. And had the two most focused, and satisfying weeks of the year. And two clients returning to me.

But it’s not the money that was coming in that made me so happy.
Kat was allowing me to be me. To listen to my heart and to speak my true message. I could feel that energy flowing through me.
Needing little sleep.
Being fully confident.
Then something incredibly sad happened in her Inner Circle. She posted a video about it, as she always shares what’s going on in her life. It was about someone I didn’t know, but I felt for her. She gave us an account, so we could donate money for a gift, if we felt inclined to do so.
I hesitated.
It was not someone I knew and I didn’t have a budget for expenses like this.
Then I said to myself; 
“If I get a new client, before the day is over, I m going to donate to this gift Kat wants to buy for their friend.”
I wrote three different blogposts and hustled my ass off.
When I came home from teaching I found an email from yet another returning customer, taking me up on the offer for the yoga studio.
I just wired the money to Kat.
She earned it.

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

I write erotica and stories in my series
7-figure Rock Star Writer
You can subscribe to this blog for new episodes

..

My diaries en erotica are available at 

my BOOK SHOP
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If you check your cart, you can select your store
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Nederlandse boeken kun je ook direct bij mij bestellen

coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2019
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit (Dutch)

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

Work with me { my first sales page! }

Well, obviously it’s not really my first sales page, right?
I mean, even knowing that word illustrates that I ve been around the business block, but still!
I have never written a sales page under this name, because LS Harteveld sells books.
Not services.
Until now, anyway!
And I ve made an extremely daring choice here..
But it’s a fair one.

Even though my books are mainly read by men, my entrepreneur friends are mostly men, AND I ve spent the last 15 years bathing in masculine energy teaching yoga.
Oh, I m kidding, that was mostly women 🙂

But I’m only working with women for my coaching service.
So I m aware that women are a minority within my reading audience.
My estimate is one out of ten readers is female, and that’s probably overestimating.
But maybe in a way, that’s the whole point.
With men I already share my mind, through my writing.
But with women I share my soul.

~Lauren
PS: there is a unisex “subscribe to this blog” button on this page! 😉

Work with me

Okay, okay, okay.
Before we begin, can I confess the biggest mistake I ve made this year?
I mean it was SO big, that I’m almost like:
“If people find out about this, they will NEVER book me!
Not ever!
Not a chance!”
Can we talk about this, before I bring in all the bells and whistles?
I.
Forgot.
My.
Purpose.

My message. 
The very reason I m here on this earth.
Gone!
The whole thing!

Me. The yoga teacher who stopped teaching yoga because she thought yoga should come AFTER we had a talk about how life is going.
AFTER we asses if yoga is really what you need.
Oh by the way, by now? I m convinced yoga is NEVER what you need.

You need to write a blog post with screaming capitals in every sentence.
That’s a need.
But yoga?
No.
So I basically abandoned the profession of teaching yoga because I thought purpose should always come before yoga, or before wanting to solve any other problem, or before improving your happiness by relaxing or whatever;
Purpose should always come first.
“I m leaving yoga!”
* walks out and slams the door*
And then I forgot my own purpose.

The very moment I was healed from losing a year to burnout-ish complaints, I dropped my purpose, my mission, and my message like a hot potato.
I had lost 2018 to:
– a renovation which pulled me offtrack way more than I had anticipated.
– my cat dying and didn’t want to get a new one (yet) for several reasons;
– subtle but significant changes in my love life;
– I lost my yoga business;
So what did I do when I picked up the pieces to start a normal work life again?
I DROPPED, THE MOST IMPORTANT PIECE!
The thing I had managed to hold on to, despite all the turmoil;
Maybe I didn’t even drop it, but hid it somewhere under the bushes of a headhunter site. In the trashcan of LinkedIn.
Or maybe I hid it in that box with clothes size 6 and 8.
That would be symbolic right?
The One Day Box.
Yes, that’s the most likely place where my purpose would fit in just fine, and I could visit it once a year or so, only to conclude that it still didn’t fit me.
“Oh well! Better luck next year!”
And I would fold Purpose neatly between my 1998 Marlène Dietrich pants and 2005 French designer jeans.
Last week I had already discussed “purpose” with my creativity coach. I told her that although I have (had) a banner on my website “You must wake up and find your purpose!”; I really didn’t see myself as having a message.
But if I had a fixed message, finding purpose would be it.
“I’m a real artist, Sara” I told my coach.”My message is different every day.”
That night I told the story to a friend who’s been very persistent I should be sharing my message. She reacted very confused when I told her I didn’t have one. And that if I did, it would be the one about finding purpose.
So I asked her: “Well what do you think my message is then?”
“The Mistress one, obviously!” she answered immediately.
Oh yeah.
The Mistress one.
I honestly can’t say I responded very positively towards this. As far as I was concerned people would never hear about the Mistress again.
I mean sure; There’ll be a book release in April. Big Mistress.
But honest to God, if people wanted to get disappointed in regular relationships? Be my guest. I wasn’t going to be a sitting duck, and have them project their anger on me.
But my friend was not that easily swayed.
“It’s just SO good to hear someone speak about things that no one dares to speak about!” she exclaimed. “You do that!”
I used to, yes.
Yet I went home thinking I was very okay staying silent.
But today I know:
She was right.
The Mistress message IS what I am here to do, to share. The knowledge that I have acquired in my four years of being a mistress, has given me the ability to help others. Usually by refinding their purpose, but also with relationship problems.
And none of them were mistresses themselves.
So that’s why today, I decided to get behind my computer and create this page, where you can work with me.
As far as coaching goes, I don’t sell packages, nor work with assignments. I m a spur-of-moment kind of girl.
I have a business degree, and I ve been an entrepreneur for 15 years first as a yoga teacher and now as a writer, coach and speaker. I work mostly based on mindset work, which I have been studying since 1998.
You can read about the principles of my Mistress work, and also how it applies to business and life in this blog post from December 2018:
Vogue (The core values of a mistress)
And rereading that I realize all too well, that even selling this service is already against the way I defined my core values at the time. Back then, freedom to me meant not selling my time.
But last week I had the epiphany, that wasn’t really true:
That my biggest sacrifice was not selling time itself; it was selling time being outside the house. Or more specifically; selling my presence.
Ever since 2014 I ve had this idol, an escort Avery Moore. She was charging $1000 an hour, and I always wondered why that felt like a totally fair price to me. And without the sex even! I was also amused at how strict she was with her screening: You had to give her all your information, and the name of the company you worked for. She would run a background check before you met.
Rightfully so!
“If you think about it, $1000 an hour is a fair price, don’t you think?” I said to the friend who had been so kind to remind me of my purpose.
It’s how much everyone should charge, if paid to be present.

The Bells and The Whistles That Will Make You Want Me

Oh come on! Bells and whistles… lol As if that’s ever going to work!
But I can give you a little background story.
In 2006 I left my long-term relationship, in order to fall in love and have an exciting love life again.
I could really see myself end up having multiple lovers, I had no idea where my desire for sexual excitement would stop!
It turned out: Pretty quickly.
I was extremely picky. I ve had sex with ten men in eight years, and the sex (fact) was always good to great. But the whole thing outside the bed….oh, dear.
It’s unbelievable how many aspects of someone you have to ignore, if you’re not totally in love. And even the times I was in love, it was so challenging, the entire interaction around it. 
And likewise, I guess.
They must have gotten annoyed by me as well.
So I was a major fluke at being a single, and had multiple years where I didn’t bother to have sex at all. Yet, when I accidentally became a mistress, I was the one most surprised that the relationship form suited me so flawlessly.
Being someone’s secret mistress was exciting and challenging, but in a nice way because it made me incredibly strong. It felt like learning how to play poker and it gave me this mysterious aura. Which I cherished because I m so open about everything.
Finally, I was my own Woman of Mystery.
Writing this, March 2019, I don’t know if we’re still “on”.
Things have been difficult, it seems his mind is somewhere else, and I know it’s entirely pointless to “try” to win him back, or at least win his attention back.
The most important thing I ve learned as a mistress is that it always pays off to not manipulate anything, trust the process, and focus on your own thing.
Your own purpose.
And not on him.

So I m at the end of this post.
If you want to follow my Mistress work, you can subscribe to this blog (button somewhere on this page);
Follow on Facebook or Twitter,
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All my books
can be found on this page.
Are you a female entrepreneur, avid writer or powerful woman? And are you interested getting clarity on your message, your purpose or learn the Mistress lifestyle?
I have a limited number of coaching spots available.
You can find my introduction fees below.
Appearances for conventions and media start at €1000
Yeah…. the “presence” thing!

~Lauren

Coaching (women only)

60 minute session, Zoom call or phone call                  $ 125 | € 110 
six sessions, valid 6 months maximum                          $675 | € 600

application 

write a short email to info@lsharteveld,
how I can help you.
If it appeals to you, let yourself be inspired by the question: 

“If I can be, do or have anything I want, who would I be?”
If you live in another timezone, please let me know where you are, and at which times you could make it for our call. (I’m on Amsterdam-time, CET)
Then I can check my schedule.

If you want the maximum out of our time together, consider writing me an email before every session, on how your week went! 
Or keep a daily log, and send it before our sessions.

Conventions and presentations (business only)

Mail your request, with as much background information on the occasion and the audience as possible,
to info@lsharteveld.nl,
and let’s see if we can make this work.
Prices for professional appearances start at €1000

 

A boyfriend like Jon Bongiovi

 I had one important boyfriend when I was a teen. He was the only one with whom I dated, and was madly in love with at the same time.
He broke my heart of course.
But what a fair price to pay.

 In total I had three boyfriends during my teens.
 The first was really attractive, artistic and sensitive.    
 But we were both so confused that everything we did always had this sense of not being connected.       
 I still run into him occasionally, and we definitely still like each other. But it’s more curiosity, like between alien species. It’s a miracle no one got hurt, or at least not that badly. Because we possessed very little skills to communicate with each other or to put each other at ease.
 And a high need for it. 
 My third boyfriend in my teens was the sensible choice. Someone who liked me a lot, and who was a few years older than I was. He was my ticket to an adult life, offering me the privacy of his own home, with cats, home cooked meals and the obvious offer to finally get my sex life up and running.
 I had more than had it with being a virgin and was aware one night stands were never going to do it for me.     
 My body just shut down.      
 And after oral sex with my first two boyfriends, just having oral wasn’t on my bucket list anymore.          
 I needed to ditch that virginity, period!              
 So my choice for a good boyfriend who had a little love nest of his own, was a calculated one.   
Fortunately I ve always been good at math, and it turned out to be exactly what I needed. I lost my virginity and we had a lovely drama-free relationship for three years. Although I skillfully ignored his views for the future were a lot more domestic than mine were.             
 I tried to end it once, but I was consumed with guilt.              
 Ultimately I ended it when I was in love with someone else. That was the man I stayed with for 14 years.          
 But that was when I was 20, so that’s not my teens anymore.
 In my teens there were three:
The first artistic boyfriend; The third common sense boyfriend; And in between there was THE boyfriend.          

 Whenever I write about him I call him Jonathan. But this was not because he looked like Jon Bongiovi. I had not even realized he looked like my idol until I bought a ticket to this summer’s Bon Jovi concert.             
 I wanted to know how many years it had been since that first concert and went through my old diaries. Found the ticket; The concert had been late 1988.
And that’s when it hit me.
I had written about Jonathan so much, I knew the date him and me had met by heart. It was on a party. 
I had gone through these early beginnings with Jonathan multiple times.            
 Yet what I had failed to realize was what had preceded that!
 Even when we were dating I had considered Jonathan out of my league. He was attending a much fancier school than I was. A higher form of education, and the parents had a higher income too.
 I settled for assuming I was new and fresh, and perhaps he’d already had all the girls he wanted at his own school.
 I wasn’t complaining, but I felt lucky.
Not a single cell in me believed he would actually fall in love with me, the way I had with him.      

 I still consider that true.  
 So anyway, there was all that – the popular guy dates alternative girl and he breaks her heart – but it wasn’t until I retrieved that concert ticket that I realized he had looked exactly like Jon Bongiovi!            
 He was perhaps (and I m definitely taking a risk here!) even more attractive than Jon Bongiovi, because Jonathan was a bit rougher. I usually compared his beauty to John Malcovich’s; Unorthodox and dangerous. 
 But he also had some serious heartthrob qualities; Green eyes and an incredible head of hair. Wavy dark blond curls, shoulder length. He didn’t even use any hair products, this was all natural.        
 And he was tall, but not too tall. Not yet anyway.          
 I encountered him later and boys can keep growing until they are 21 or something. And he had. So I had caught him when he was a only two inches or so taller, and not that muscular yet either.           
 He had been absolutely perfect and far less intimidating than later on, when the combination of brains, body and charisma made him almost devilish.
 He could still crack my heart open like a walnut, but his strong presence would have warned me by now.      
  Yet when I “caught” Jonathan there were an insane amount of terribly cute things to be loved. He drew flowers on the back of his letters.
 He wrote me songs on his guitar. He was insanely romantic.    
 God I was toast for sure.             
 Anyway, finding the concert ticket explained to me WHY Jonathan had been in my life. Or at least it offered an explanation other than that he had ran out of girls at his college.            
 The first was that he looked just like Jon Bongiovi, who had been my idol for 2 years by then. I was used to looking at that face. Familiar with being up close and personal through clippings, posters, videos,  interviews on MTV.    
 Jon Bongiovi was the first idol I bought pricey American magazines for, because I hang on every word he said. 
 If it had not been for this familiarity to Jon Bongiovi, I would not have been able to stand the heat with Jonathan. The smallest thing would have made me doubt myself (even more). I would never have had the balls to pursue someone of such can I say “descent” if it had not been for having been intimate with Jon Bongiovi for two years.            
 Part of me felt I knew Jonathan.     
 And although that is obviously not true at all, I think what was the case was that I knew myself, in the company of someone like Jonathan. I was familiar with this wave of emotions and love being drawn out of me.
 I could stand the heat.
 And I could probably stand it a lot better than the girls who had limited their adoration and their relationships to the boys they met in real life.
 Which brings me to the second aspect of why I believe the Bon Jovi concert was directly linked to my relationship with Jonathan;          
 It had boosted my self-esteem and my market value.  
 A 16 year old girl, attending a concert from the biggest rock band of the eighties? On the other side of the country, on a school night?    
 That was pretty next level.         
 Something which Jonathan, who was a musician himself, had understood very well.   
 Unfortunately for me, we did not lose our virginity but we did have an amazing time. That concert turned out to be the best investment in my sex life, I ever made.      
 No wonder buying a Bon Jovi ticket for this summer, gave me goosebumps.     
 It is a ticket to a concert, an adventure, and an entire new level of being.   

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

Start 30 day sabbatical

 A boyfriend like Jon Bongiovi
is part of my new book;
 Playing no. Diary of submissive non-consent fantasies
  Which I m currently writing offline and which has brought me back to the earliest beginnings of my sex life.
I m having a 30 day sabbatical.
And when I return I will have my four books ready:
1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2018
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit (Dutch)
and
5. Playing no. Diary of submissive non-consent fantasies
The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. 
The subscription button is somewhere on this page, probably on the right.

Or follow on Facebook or Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

My diaries en erotica are available at 
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.