I ve been studying autism for a few weeks now, and I ll save you the story why I know I have autism. Or why it will take until 2020 (if ever) before I get a diagnosis.
And I ll even save you the story of why I don’t believe a psychiatrist agreeing with me on this, is nessecary before I can start improving my life, remodeling my life by autism guidelines.
Well, there is no one-size-fits-all autism guideline, for sure. But exactly because all those on the autism spectrum are different, THE guideline is a very useful one:
“Know yourself and tailor your entire life accordingly.”
People with autism often have a poor understanding of who they are, and of how they’re feeling. So a professional to help you figure all this out could be useful.
Striking example of me entirely missing my own emotions:
I usually miss I m in love!
I have examples dating from my early teens, when it took me years. Even though the signs/my thoughts about him were sooo obviously those of someone truly smitten!
But being in love is perhaps not a relatable example since most people I know do not fall in love that often at all. And if they do, they start obsessing if it’s reciprocal (in a practical sense: will they get into bed/ relationship/marriage) before they “allow” themselves to feel that.
Now that’s a situation where my bullshit alarm goes off left, right and center, but since I have not been able to connect my relatively high frequency of falling in love, and my (dare I say) impeccable relationship skills, to having autism, I will leave that alarm out of this conversation too.
Although I m sure I ll know how to tie it in, one day.
So this is not a scientific piece on diagnosed autism and its traits.
This is quite the opposite.
This is an article written from my personal perspective where I, a self-diagnosed woman with autism, shares her thoughts about one specific statement that I keep encountering in literature on girls and women with autism. And that I have a very hard time believing because from my personal experience, from my observation of other women with asperger/autism AND based on what my common sense tells me, it is not true.
That if there is any difference in being attractive between women with autism and non-autism, it’s exactly the opposite.
What I m talking about is the wide-spread assumption that women with autism are less attractive to men, because they act weird or don’t know how to behave sexy.
Hold.
Your.
Horses!
WHAT?!
The first reason I couldn’t believe what I was hearing was because I have exactly the opposite experience. Throughout my life, I have been able to get any man I wanted. Which doesn’t mean that I went after them, or that they all immediately dropped what they were doing (or “who”), but I ve always been able to feel the Yes between the lines.
Often people don’t understand how I know that a man likes me, even though he doesn’t choose for me, usually because he’s in a relationship.
That’s very simple:
How would I NOT be able to feel that?
I have my own thoughts on how autism, and in particular male autism, has been wrongly interpreted as in that we wouldn’t be able to connect with other people.
I disagree.
We ONLY know how to really connect with other people.
It’s the grey, fuzzy, non-confrontational way of communicating that people then want to cover up their feelings with, that we don’t understand.
And don’t particularly care for either.
To me the way normal people have sex is so not-erotic because it’s sloppy. Like, you’re both naked and oopsie! Your Sunday morning shag.
And there are these jokes about when someone cheated “his dick fell into her pussy”.
But to me, that really resembles sex in the neuro-typical world.
Sex is done on the fly.
I need it to be premeditated.
Not: “Oh we ran into each other and accidentally ended up at her place”
Or: “If you want to date me, just say so.”
I mean what’s that? Are you implying you’ll do me a favor if I get the uncontrollable urge to date you?
What he (whether a friend or a lover) can say:
“Would you like to go for a cup of coffee?”
or even better:
“I d love to see you! Would you like to go out?”
And compliments – if any – can never be made with the assumption I ll now rush over, or roll over onto my back with my paws up, in absolute awe that someone even wants me.
That’s not how this works.
But I digress!
Or then again – maybe this is all very relevant!
Because this whole rant about how I want to be addressed certainly illustrates I m not easy to get along with. And that “even” being that picky, even being that difficult, I ve felt desired and wanted.
That any difficulties came from me not wanting them.
A one-sided sexual interest from their side, was the reason the conversation was freaking painful to say the least. Not that I had autism.
I was, and am, often open to be just friends. And I have small circle of highly appreciated friends with whom I “just” date.
I put quotation marks on “just” because finding someone to have a great time with is a quest in its own right.
So, all in all I had already made myself the temptress- exception within the sexually struggling autistic community, when the second reason to seriously doubt the common knowledge on autistic women being less attractive hit me in the head:
The autistic women I see in the media, and know in real life are extremely attractive.
The most well-known women autistic stars are Daryl Hannah and Courtney Love: Both attractive women.
Courtney is of course known for being rebellious and for speaking her mind. Just watch this interview to see how absolutely captivating it is, to hear someone talk so candid!
She’s enchanting.
And here’s one of Daryl Hannah talking about autism, and she’s a bit intimidating but especially because of that – hot !
If I were a man, I would love to date Daryl or Courtney.
And I would know that after her, no woman would meet up, compared to someone so INTENSE!
Both Courtney and Daryl are women with whom you are immediately awake, you can feel they’re not going to sugarcoat it or tiptoe around your feelings and needs.
Their presence is an experience – and I like that!
But then I started thinking:
Well maaaayyyybe, Daryl and Courtney, and all autistic women from YouTube and the Dutch women I know with Asperger are not representative.
Maybe I just don’t see, all those unattractive women with autism.
Yes, that must be it!
I’m terribly biased, only look at the stars, and in my personal life I only feel drawn to exceptionally beautiful women.
So there I was again:
Totally ready to embrace the idea that females with autism were not as appealing as neuro-typical women. Despite my personal experiences and despite everybody I knew who had Asperger.
But then my brain started to go over them, one more time… And I saw it!
That although from a cognitive perspective I still had no other option than to conclude that women with autism were more attractive, that I could now see why you could also say they were less attractive:
Because they are dangerous.
And I immediately got the analogy with Galadriel from Lord of the Rings:
We can read people’s mind.
We don’t do small talk.
We are all-knowing, but we are not of this world.
We have our own realm.
I have often wondered how Galadriel’s husband Celeborn felt, next to what seems like an almighty wife.
Would he still feel needed?
But on second thought, he was very needed!
When the fellowship of the ring, a group of 9 companions, arrive in Lothlorien, they are brought before Celeborn and Galadriel.
And Celeborn does the talking while Galadriel stays silent, meanwhile reading everybody’s mind. And they are all shook by it, they can clearly feel she sees right through them.
That is what women with autism do: they see right through you.
I m convinced it is this trait that has given women with autism the status of presumably being less attractive:
Because men do not want to be known.
They don’t want to be seen.
This is also explained in Lord of the Rings, with Boromir.
Galadriel sees that he will one day steal the ring from Frodo. She can see right through him, and knows this before he does.
Just like I often have the feeling I know people better than they do themselves.
Months before I knew I had autism, I had conversations with many friends, about something I noticed, but didn’t understand:
That people can have very extreme reactions to my presence.
It’s like they can feel their entire life slipping through their fingers, like a delicate balance is suddenly rudely disturbed.
As if everything they thought they knew about themselves, suddenly drops to the bottom of some pit they thought they covered years ago.
And that’s before “Hello”.
The only thing I can do to prevent this, is to dim the light inside of myself. Which is actually a term within autism, it’s called “masking”.
So I ll tell you what my friends came up with, but first I just want to share that what I was basically trying to figure out, was what it was that made people respond so extreme to my presence.
I m not a guru, or Jesus; But I am no criminal either. I m completely honest and open, and I was certain that it was something fairly simple, and not some spiritual or Chosen One explanation.
I don’t know if autism is that simple, but it sure makes a lot of sense that people could immediately feel it, if I forgot to wear my neuro-typical mask.
Which brings me to the best explanation I received back then, on what happens when people see me:
You can only connect with someone’s true self, if you are connected to your own true self. What happened, was that these people had been cut off from their deepest feelings for example because they had to in order to function. And then they saw me, and just looking into my eyes, into my self, immediately connected them to the feelings they had been hiding for so long.
The part of themselves that they had lost, or had even deliberately tossed into the pit and then covered it.
So even though they obviously didn’t intend to connect with my true self – it was because mine was so readily available, it reflected back and boom!
Inadvertently down the rabbit hole.
And I could see this was true, because there were a lot of often quiet, really easy going people who were completely comfortable with themselves, who didn’t have those problems at all. If you would tell them you would find me intimidating, rude or cocky, they would have no idea what you would be talking about.
People who would have met me once or twice, and who remember me as warm, caring, and extremely easy to get along with.
Nothing extreme or even notable had happened when they saw me.
So I adopted that as my truth: It was the fact that I had my real Self, so close to the surface, that drew out the Selves of others.
And now, months later, this makes even more sense, because I can now describe it in terms of “a mask” that everybody wears, but in particular autistic people wear it to fit in. Their identity is always a mask, a role. They re fully pliable.
But if you don’t wear a mask, your soul, your Self, is like a mirror to anyone who looks into your eyes.
Exactly like in Lord of the Rings.
Although there, the mirror and Galadriel are presented as separate from each other. But the same scenario plays out: Frodo sees his own fate in her presence.
And she can feel it happening and knows what happened:

Galadriel:
Will you look into the mirror?

Frodo:
What will I see?

Galadriel:
Even the wisest cannot tell. For the mirror shows many things. Things that were, things that are, and some things… that have not yet come to pass.

[Looking into the mirror, Frodo sees the Orcs enslave the Hobbits and reduce the Shire to an industrial wasteland; finally, the Eye of Sauron causes him to stumble backwards]

Galadriel:
I know what it is you saw; for it is also in my mind. It is what will come to pass if you should fail. 

In my studies so far, I ve read nothing but statements about women with autism being less appealing to men. But if we see these women as Galadriels, it suddenly becomes clear that if it is true, this says way more about average man, than about autistic women.
Because for noblemen like Celeborn, the kings of this world;
For introspective hobbits like Frodo, who have a deep understanding of right and wrong;
And for honest dwarfs like Gimli, who dreaded seeing Galadriel but fell head over heels in love;
A woman with autism, will soon be all they can think about.

Gimli:
Be cautious, young Hobbits.
They say a great sorceress lives in these woods.
An Elf witch of terrible power.

All who look upon her fall under her spell…

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

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