Quick update! πŸ’ƒπŸŒŽπŸ’₯

Despite last weekend’s letter to my coach Sara
– with a very welcome “Map To Who I Am” folded right in! –
the past week but in particular the past 36 hours were really, really tough.
I have not felt this bad in years, but I think it was in particular due to the startling roller coaster nature of my internal processes
(although there were outer physical, financial, and relational circumstances as well),
which made it extremely challenging.
The infamous “wanting to destroy all my work”  type of challenging.
And yet, ultimately? Man!
This was SO very very worth it!
Because right now I feel better than I have IN YEARS.
Maybe even decades…
I m setting up shop in a fully aligned way under my real name for the first time in my life.
I finally know what I want professionally, and also why all the other more common professional arrangements (a steady job, freelancing, being a service provider, and even running a business) were never going to work for me.
And yet, why they may of course be more than enough for most people to choose from!
I m sure we’ll get around to it one day, but then again maybe not because I have no idea how relevant this is here..
But the gist of it, is that just like I do not do well playing the girlfriend or a wife role in relationships, but am a born mistress or lover instead (something I know because I have investigated that part of my life as Lauren Harteveld, since 2006);
Quite similar to that, I needed to create way WAY more freedom in my professional work.
That if I wanted to free myself from the cycle of wanting to blow up all my work, part of my work, or a tiny far corner of my work, depending on how bad I felt;
Then I had to give myself free rein professionally.
My freedom needed to become a non-negotiable.
And once I got that, which was a big Aha! that I had JUST this morning?
Everything fell together at lightning speed, and decades worth of loose ends were tied together in the most harmonious “of course”-way.
And now I have the blueprint for my professional life, that gives me the same freedom as I have in my love life.
This is mainly a thing for work under my real name, where I have struggled the most.
So that could mean the diary writing/ book publishing that I do as Lauren Harteveld, may not change much or even suffer a bit, time-wise.
In theory.
Because I think it will benefit from it!
I expect having this deep understanding of who I am professionally, and WHY, will ripple out to both of my professional names, all of my websites, all diaries, the published books and so on.
I think even the furthest corners of my work, the ones that until recently I would have destroyed to express a deep agony I felt inside- that those will blossom too.
I expect today to mark the beginning of a whole new era.
Where this blog, this name, and all the things I do here, are an integral part of all of it.
As are you.
Thank you for being with me here.
Not at the end of all things, as I know I ve taken my readers to the proverbial pits of Mordor often enough;
But for sticking with me, and being with me here, now.
At the beginning.

An unexamined life is not worth living


My diaries are available at LULU 
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