Category: 7-figure rock star writer

If someone ever asks me what the key to success is?
To making 7-figures as a writer, even though no Dutch writer has gone past 6, not even the most successful ones.
If someone asks me that, remind me to answer; It’s being prepared to lose all.
Friends.
Family.
Money.
Status.
Being right.
Being the good guy.
Being infallible. 
It’s being able to surrender to the process of becoming this, and accepting the consequences of not knowing what that will be.
Accept whatever happens. Give up control. And more. And more.
It’s like that process when you think you hit rock bottom (or think you skillfully avoided it) and then just around the corner, you fall anyway.
Hard.
That, was New Years Day.
I had gone through – well first of all I had gone without writing!
Which may explain why this is all hitting me so hard. Not that I have ever been able to prove that my life is more stable if I write a blog post first thing AM; But there is some kind of soothing effect in knowing that I least I did write.
I may have entirely screwed up as a human; But I wrote.
Except I didn’t do that.
Both the 31st of December as well as today, I had to do other things first. I would not have been able to concentrate on writing otherwise.
Yesterday, I had a ton of stuff to do and arrange before the shops closed.
And today I had a painful situation that had been the last thing I was thinking about before I finally fell asleep.
And the first thing when I woke up.
It was all very sad, for all parties.
But it also had the potential to do damage if not handled correctly.
So that was the first half of my day before I had that figured out in a way that was good or at least acceptable for everyone, I hope.
And then the rest of the day I worked really hard preparing a photo shoot for tomorrow. Called for an hour with a friend, who had things that were going on in her life;
Another friend cancelled our date and I decided to go to a bar anyway, to treat myself. Called another friend, and she joined me.
So that was my day, broad strokes. Broad strokes, 2 Chardonnay and one glass of champagne later, just when I thought:
“Okay, that went okay! I made it through this day. Home on time. Didn’t drink THAT much – should look good tomorrow!”
BAM!
On the toilet, or even on my way home on my bike;
That deep sense of insecurity.
An almost sickening need to weigh every word I said or thought throughout the entire day. And if I did it in a way so that no one got harmed.
Or will get harmed in the future.
It’s a beginning anxiety attack where you think you made a mistake that will hurt someone. I know I had it on several occasions in 2018.
Anxiety attacks which I usually associated with people finding out about me and Mr.Big.
Thinking I would get murdered.
That’s the violent variation.
In reality, my fear of social exclusion was at least equally strong. Fear of being punished for saying or doing the wrong things or for not saying the correct magic word to fit back in.
To not humiliate myself deeply enough to count as an apology.
That fear of friends turning their back on me, might be even stronger than strangers threatening me.
Or maybe it’s 50-50
Either way: It’s a LOT!
And whenever I had that fear, that anxiety, I always linked it to some kind of threat or risk. Something that happened that day, which I created into this big What if? – story.
Some big drama on the scale of butterfly causes earthquake.
With me being the butterfly.
It was like I punished myself by artificially creating guilt. Being overly responsible, to the point where you think you’re fully to blame for everything.
Just because you did your butterfly thing.
Which is a poor analogy, since I called this Embracing the Dragon.
So how are we going to get from butterflies to dragons?
Either way, I made huge steps in personal growth, in terms of conflict handling, which is my current topic of investigation/ my hobby.
But it is also EXTREMELY!!!!!!! straining.
Holy fucking shit.
There is a reason most people would rather talk about celebrities, soccer, or their yoga course. Because if you start investigating the power structure (conflict of interest) beneath superficial problems, whether from someone else or your own, you enter this roller coaster ride.
And as far as you know you’re riding a test cart, uncertain if the thing is going to hold.
I m beginning to see that the reason my social life has unexpectedly cost me way more energy than I intended to, the last couple of weeks, is because of my interest to understand what’s going on in my friend’s lives.
Their problems within their relationships, or at work for example. And I go through it with them, and I get better and better at seeing what’s going on here.
And I always come up with ways of seeing it, that are beneficial to all parties.
But what I had not seen yet, but I do now – 10 PM on the first of January! – is that it is costing me … God, so much.
It’s like drinking too much alcohol, or some other addiction, where you enjoy the high of in my case, solving the riddle-
but then you crash.
After helping either myself or a friend, analyzing what’s going on, I crash so hard. Like right now, I feel like curling up in bed and just crying, convinced I m a horrible person.
That I ll be stabbed for having an affair.
Or punished for social wrongdoings.
Or that the people who share their life with me turn against me, because they love me BUT.
BUT I m so big. BUT I make mistakes. BUT -fill in anything that happens, when you feed your mind, live on riddles, and take such high emotional and social risks.
When the thrill of wanting to understand everything has infiltrated your social circle.
On my bike, still hoping I could just go to bed early and forget this eerie aftermath-feeling- I said to myself that if I would ever write about this,
I would call it:
Embracing the dragon.
If you want to be unique, and a 7-figure rock star writer in the Netherlands is unique – you are not going to fit in.
People are going to get hurt.
Just from standing next to you when you breathe!
Entire villages might end up in ashes.
You will live alone.
Be feared.
Envied.
Hunted.
And yes; Rich.
But you cannot un-dragon yourself.
You are what you are.

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

7-Figure Rock Star Writer

Embracing the dragon is episode 15 of my project 7-figure rock star writer  
The subscribe button to this diary is somewhere on this page

Or follow on Facebook or Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

My diaries en erotica are available at 
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

PS Woon je in NEDERLAND?

Mijn boeken zijn tijdelijk zonder verzendkosten én met 25% korting verkrijgbaar bij mijn uitgever. Gebruik code ONESHIP.
Krijg je $$ tekens?
Schrik niet.
Nadat je je eerste boek in het karretje hebt gelegd, kun je met de vlag rechtsboven de Nederlandse winkel selecteren

I quit writing (about my love life)

Project M. and in particular its last chapter Like a Prayer is my final diary for an indefinite period of time. 

I ve been writing about my love life, pretty much non-stop, since 2006, the moment I became single. And although it has brought me many things – in particular the opportunity to have relationships that are way out of my league – it has now started to constrict me.
The cage of self-reflection and transparency, that I built to protect myself, has become a prison.
I need to start living, and start experiencing life, without the pen.
Or at least without diary writing/ blogging about my real life.

I m going to use this time to create my four new books

One Dutch book with columns:
Blote Kont
Verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit

One English book with columns:
I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW

One English book about Mistresshood:
The Big Mistress

And one diary 2017-2018, called Reboot.
Which will also include my last diary Project M.

I have no idea why I m all of a sudden so stressed out over this.
I mean, I haven’t worked on my books for weeks, if not months.
I haven’t done yoga for ages.
And I ve spent days indoors without seeing anyone, multiple times in December.
And I don’t remember those hermit days as being bad at all.
Then why am I now, on the second last day of the year suddenly so concerned about how much time this blog is costing me?
And how it’s keeping me from all the other things I need to do?
This diary has accidentally become a must.
I used to think that an ideal writer’s life meant that I would write every day, but switch it up between this diary, my Dutch columns and my cartoons which are under my real or old name.
The name I used to give yoga with.
But now I just know that’s not how it works.
I need this blog to keep me on track, and if I don’t do it my head rapidly gets cluttered. After a few days I don’t know which way is up.
The other blogs are more casual, I’d say.
Like yesterday night, I had gotten hooked on a Dutch book by Menno de Bree. It was a light and easy read, but that was no excuse to devour it the way I did.
I gobbled it down the way cookie monster eats his cookies.
And then I wrote about it.
My writing is like a Ferrari; it is the most powerful one around but if you want utilitarian or economical, buy a Toyota.
I ve made my peace with this English blog being a part of me, because I had no other choice. Not because I see a way to build a business this way.
To make matters worse, I want to clean and reorganize my basement before the new year. It’s a mess because the building cooperation has renovated there, and everything is still in boxes and/or covered in dark grey dust.
I don’t want to enter the new year with a basement that looks like an abandoned coalmine.
Oh, something did pop to mind, as to why I’m probably more concerned by lack of control over my life than usual. I went to the hairdresser to get it cut Atomic Blonde style, like the 2017 movie. The most important part were the bangs.
I can’t remember ever having them.
And with a little help from a blow dryer and a hair product, I looked similar to Charlize Theron.
This could definitely work!
I have a photo shoot scheduled for Wednesday, and it was good to know I had the hair thing covered now.
Yet within hours my bangs completely curled back up with the rest of the hair, and disappeared forever.
They are nowhere to be found!
So although I adore my new look, it is absolutely not what I intended it to be.
Maybe that’s why I feel so out of control.
If I can’t even make things work, when I literally have a clear picture (I took the photos of Atomic Blonde with me to the hairdressers), then how am I going to make something work, having no idea what I m aiming for?
How will my life look with all of those things that I want to do?
Which is why I have decided to watch a live stream from Katrina Ruth.
I have been following her work for two years, and although I usually just randomly brainwash myself with any of her programs and free videos – I m even planning on integrating her content into my yoga practice, which is by far the most attractive feature of my future yoga practice – this is the first time ever that I m watching a video, because it addresses the exact problem I am experiencing now.
Here’s a link to the video How I get it all done, with tons of room to spare!! ✅✅✅ 
(…)
(…)
Okay! I m done!
That was inspiring.
You know the strange thing is that whenever I start to believe those “You can’t control your life” antis, and that includes me buying into my own stories, all I have to do is watch a Katrina Ruth video, or read one of her blog posts, and I m good to go.
It is absolutely impossible for me not to connect with the bigger dream and vision I have for myself, after I ve heard her speak about her life and her road to millions of dollars a year.
But I already know, from recommending her work to other people, that the majority of them get triggered by her, baaaaadly.
So if you clicked the video, you probably didn’t watch it, because you were triggered. Or because it’s pretty lengthy and you were waiting for me to give you the management summary.
Which is this:
The reason Katrina Ruth has built a million dollar online business, and has started doing so when she was still booked up to 60 hours a week training private clients at the gym, is because she decided she just wasn’t available for anything less than having it ALL.
No excuses.
Working crazy hours at the gym, she used her 10-15 minute breaks to get an espresso, open her laptop and write her blog, create her content, sell her things.
Without Facebook or fancy website.
She would just sent you an email with a file attached, with your book or program.
“I was never available for not making any money.”
I know from another training that after her last client, she would go down to the Italian restaurant, around 9 PM. And sit there, with her earphones in, typing.
Around 11 or 12, the staff had started cleaning and the restaurant was closing and she had such a satisfied feeling of having been able to work for a couple of hours on end.
And yet at 6 AM her first client would be booked in already.
That’s how she lived and breathed.
Even in the video she says she got up at 5 because she had a 10 AM tequila party (or some other booze, anyway it was wild!).
She still lives that way.
She won’t back down.
And that’s how I will get everything done, from now on too.
5 Minute intervals.
Make money.
Decide you’re going to have it all.
Or as Katrina Ruth would say it:
I will go on for however long it takes, and until it takes.
And then keep going.

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

PS Woon je in NEDERLAND?
Mijn boeken zijn tijdelijk zonder verzendkosten én met 25% korting verkrijgbaar bij mijn uitgever. Gebruik code ONESHIP.
Krijg je $$ tekens?
Schrik niet.
Nadat je je eerste boek in het karretje hebt gelegd, kun je met de vlag rechtsboven de Nederlandse winkel selecteren

7-Figure Rock Star Writer

Must write diary make books do yoga get daylight is episode 14 of my project 7-figure rock star writer  
The subscribe button to this diary is somewhere on this page

Or follow on Facebook or Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

My diaries en erotica are available at 
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

I quit writing (about my love life)

Project M. and in particular its last chapter Like a Prayer is my final diary for an indefinite period of time. 

I ve been writing about my love life, pretty much non-stop, since 2006, the moment I became single. And although it has brought me many things – in particular the opportunity to have relationships that are way out of my league – it has now started to constrict me.
The cage of self-reflection and transparency, that I built to protect myself, has become a prison.
I need to start living, and start experiencing life, without the pen.
Or at least without diary writing/ blogging about my real life.

I m going to use this time to create my four new books

One Dutch book with columns:
Blote Kont
Verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit

One English book with columns:
I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW

One English book about Mistresshood:
The Big Mistress

And one diary 2017-2018, called Reboot.
Which will also include my last diary Project M.

Two weeks ago, I knew I wanted to register my name.
As far as Dutch law allows such a thing, without going to court.
And even then it requires a good reason.
Just wanting to boost your writing career is not enough.
As opposed to Anglo-Saxon countries changing your name in the Netherlands is almost impossible, and I ve never heard of anyone doing it as a vanity project or a career move.
There’s usually a family story behind it, and people will adopt the name of their other parent.
I chose my name LS Harteveld, or Lauren, when I started writing in 2006.
I was a yoga teacher and didn’t want my work to be read by the people who were taking my classes. I ve never been fully me, during the 15 years of teaching yoga.
I felt the people came for a normal yoga class, and I had fully repressed my own authenticity. In later years I did allow more of it, and I had good relationships with my students.
But in 2006 I was hiding deep in the closet of pretending to be good and normal.
I could not have my (sex) writer identity mixed with my yoga teacher identity.
So very few people knew about it.
I remember sending out emails with my columns, in 2009.
In 2010 I had my own website, and a facebook account. Which I deleted later on and changed it into a business page on Facebook.
In December I joined Twitter, which turned out to be not just good for having my blog read; but it also turned out to be a great dating tool.
I could connect to men I liked.
Instead of wasting time sending polite “no thank you” messages or “I don’t think this is going to work”.
Whereas on Twitter, it’s clear you can’t just barge in on DM “Hey you look cute” and expect an answer.
Because Twitter is of course not a dating site.
Anyway, that was all really nice and I started making friends as LS Harteveld, and although they never called me Lauren once they knew my real name, it was immediately clear that the friends I made on social media as LS Harteveld, were more my crowd than the ones I met in real life where I was dependent on my income as a yoga teacher.
I felt free as LS Harteveld.
I was just pretending to be a yoga teacher X hours a week, so that LS Harteveld could live.
In 2017 I published my ten books, as LS Harteveld.
But it wasn’t until October this year (2018) that I quit teaching yoga.
LS Harteveld was “already” twelve years old, and I was now free to actually become her.
And I did.
My old identity felt exploited, used. As if she had warded off the forces of the world, for twelve years, so that the real and new side of me could grow.
When I speak about my old identity, I tell people I sent her on a lifelong sex vacation.
Her name still exists. But it’s an empty shell. My “real” name is for the people who are not part of my chosen life.
And who are in my life by default because they work at organisations I have to deal with, or because they’re family or neighbors.
I have spoken about this choice before:
“I am not going to waste energy, trying to explain myself within those circles. If I would do that, I will have no more energy left to do what matters, and to build the career and the life I want.”
And it wasn’t until today, that I realized why that was so smart!
WHY indeed, you should avoid getting into arguments with people in your closest social circle;
Because they have no interest in you breaking free.
My initial reasons however, to never invest in converting my loved ones, any more than I would convert my neighbors, were extremely practical.
I knew my ideas on liberated sexuality, liberated work, liberated everything, were incompatible with the safety and the reassurance of living a normal life.
I didn’t want them to worry sick.
I knew I was taking tremendous risks financially, and also mentally, and could end up broke or suicidal. Although ironically, I never saw them happening both.
Either I would accept a job I didn’t like, in which case I would risk getting suicidal.
Or I would go broke and homeless, but I didn’t see me killing myself over that at all. I would hate it-  I love a warm home, privacy and getting a good night sleep- but being homeless would be a temporary thing.
A job, in my opinion, was way more likely to be ended by suicide because it would be a big deal to put your family through the ordeal of you quitting or expect society to pay for your welfare if you were too big of a princessa to work.
And if I am homeless they’re already worrying, and the worst nightmare scenario has already come into play.
If I m homeless I would be extra motivated to carry on, so that it hasn’t been for nothing.
What I have done so far, in explaining myself to my family, is that I ve told them that in 2019 I might have to take a job I don’t like, but that when I do the clock starts ticking.
“I may be able to endure it three weeks, or three months or three years. But there comes a time when I m going to quit, and I better have made a fuckload of progress in my writing career by then, because after that I will not have the strength to go back and take another job.
A job will buy me time, but it will not be a solution.”
So in a way of course I have prepared them, that things may not go as planned. I do try to share what my life is about, especially because they will be the ones suffering the most.
They are the ones worried sick, and of course they also like the idea of me becoming famous. 
If only because then they can stop worrying!
It’s just that in the process of it, I have to make brutal choices whose concerns I am going to address. And aside from my recent family update to them – there will not be room to reassure worried family members.  
Or to invest in sensitive family dynamics.
There is simply too much at stake for me.
Okay, that was a long story, but those were just the initial reasons, of me not going to fight for a name change/full acceptance in my closest circle.
And as for the organisations, neighbors, and even my ex-students, my real official name, has the added benefit of not having to show who I am.
Of not having the plumber Googling you and then finding your book store filled with sex.
That is already a great reason to not change your legal name; it provides you anonymity. You can be famous on the internet under your alias, and at the same time run a normal household like anybody else.
But yesterday I wrote a post, which has now opened my eyes as to why that is.
Why I ve always felt that the biggest resistance, but also the biggest threat to me (and most likely: to anyone!) is in the circle of people who do not CHOOSE you.
Nor do you choose them.
It’s very much like the difference between a dating site and Twitter:
On a dating site I behave as if we are all living in the same building; you stay polite because you run into each other.
Yet I m constantly aware that I m surrounded by people who didn’t earn their right to get this close. Nor did they choose my company.
There is a total lack of reciprocity. 
Yet on Twitter I behave like we live in the same city;
There’s no reason to talk unless we both want to.
And I expect you to keep your distance, and will call you out on it if you don’t.
To me, the boundaries on Twitter are much clearer. You have to work, in order for the other person to like you. And even then they may not feel like teaming up.
Some say:
On Facebook you’re with the people you went to high school with;
On Twitter you’re with people you wish you went to high school with.
On Twitter, as with your chosen circle of friends, there’s much more space, room to breathe.
But yesterday’s post made me realize WHY that is! 
Why there is such a big difference between the people you choose (and preferably, you choose them time and time again) and the circles that are by default.
And where leaving would be a big deal.
The social structure underlying a family, a school, a business; but even under historic relationships symbolized by Facebook, that social structure is morality.
It is a set of unwritten rules on who is good and who is not.
And what is a good employee, a good sister, a good mother; and what is not.
And in order be part of the group you must be willing to look good.
You can behave in an entirely different way! Like for instance, if I had it in me to pretend for my family that everything was okay, I would really have been doing them a favor.
Same thing with fidelity: as long as you are good spouse, and SAY that you’re faithful, you will most likely get away with it.
The structure only asks that you put up a good front; you must pretend you’re playing by the rules. 
But in reality, what this structure asks of you, is that you surrender to the group.
And explain yourself to any member who questions if you are “good” enough.
Social structures are based on morality, which is to say they are Big Brother is Watching you mayhem.
They are motherfucking hell on earth.
And especially because it is the ones who have a little bit of power, acquired through the structure, who will want to hold on to it by holding you accountable.
It’s in condemning short skirts.
Eating meat.
Gay sex.
Lying.
Condemning how you choose to live your life.
Condemning not choosing anything and simply putting one foot in front of the other. 
And by condemning I mean, thinking that subject that is even open for discussion because you live in the same building, are in the same circle of friends, are a member of the same family, or because someone is your teacher or an official you are dependent on.
All these subjects should never ever be up for discussion.
I strongly URGE you to recognize that no one has the right to do that,
nor is it ever of your concern how others score on these points.
The line is crossed because within the group people are aware that the others need the group.
And that escaping comes at great cost, for example losing the entire circle of friends or your in-laws.
It was Thursday December 13, when I went to the Chamber of Commerce. By train, bike, and I got lost so it took me a long time to find it.
And then at the office too, things took really long because it was really complicated.
But when I left, I had a company called Lauren Harteveld.
And by that, I could now officially call myself Lauren Harteveld.
She would do all the writing, but also if I would go to work, it would be under her name. So that it was always clear WHO I was.
And that I didn’t do normal.
I didn’t do morality.
And I was accountable for one thing, and one thing only:
For being Lauren Harteveld.

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

7-Figure Rock Star Writer

Change your name, up your game is episode 13 of my project 7-figure rock star writer

Subscribe to get inspired!
And feel free to unsubscribe, resubscribe, ignore,
and binge as often as you want!
The subscribe button is somewhere on this page

Or follow on Facebook or Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

My diaries en erotica are available at 
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

— mijn boeken zijn voor Nederland tijdelijk zonder verzendkosten én met 25% korting verkrijgbaar bij mijn uitgever. Gebruik code ONESHIP.
Nadat je je eerste boek in het karretje hebt gelegd, kun je met de vlag rechtsboven je winkel Nederland selecteren —-

I quit writing (about my love life)

Project M. and in particular its last chapter Like a Prayer is my final diary for an indefinite period of time. 

I ve been writing about my love life, pretty much non-stop, since 2006, the moment I became single. And although it has brought me many things – in particular the opportunity to have relationships that are way out of my league – it has now started to constrict me.
The cage of self-reflection and transparency, that I built to protect myself, has become a prison.
I need to start living, and start experiencing life, without the pen.
Or at least without diary writing/ blogging about my real life.

I m going to use this time to create my four new books

One Dutch book with columns:
Blote Kont
Verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit

One English book with columns:
I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW

One English book about Mistresshood:
The Big Mistress

And one diary 2017-2018, called Reboot.
Which will also include my last diary Project M.

It all started making sense.
I saw how two large pieces of my puzzle were supposed to fit together, and how my theory of not wanting to be a grey mouse (which turned out to be someone who is trapped in morality), and my theory on purpose, were connected.
Purpose was the only force strong enough to break free from the cage of morality. Which explains why I had instantly felt the significance of purpose.
I knew purpose would open many doors.
What I didn’t know, or at least had realized insufficiently, was that the doors to the cage of morality were heavily guarded.
No way you would be able to slid your purpose key into the lock and get a quiet escape.
Instead, purpose was going to blow the cage, and its prisoners would complain that you had ruined their whole entire world.
They would argue that if they wanted their morality cage blown up they would have done so.
Yesterday’s talk with my coach made me realize the strongest opposition to my ideas, to my very existence, comes not from the people who built the cages of morality.
Not the people who are benefiting from the idea that we all have to be good citizens, good workers, good parents, good friends.
It comes from the people who have adopted that cage, that power system, as their truth, and have started checking on each other.
Looking for goodness.
Not seeing that this power structure wasn’t built in their best interest.
Resistance to my new path of purpose, freedom and growth, would come from the ones who relied on their place within the cage of morality.
This overlaps with what I have been experiencing my entire life, general idea that men love me and women fear me.
Which in turn has caused me to fear women and love men.
I m still not sure if I feel like liberating the women that are so eager to defend patriarchy’s rules, by condemning my sexuality, my strength, my presence.
I always assumed women hated me because they felt I was the enemy because I am a mistress. But now I m starting to see I m not just a threat to their marriage, I am a threat to the pillars they’ve built their entire life on.
I deny the very existence of morality.
For example, in the twelve years I focused on my love life I found out I am monogamous. Which means I get the most pleasure if I have only one partner.
The reason it took so long to figure this out, was because I need my partner to be exciting, mysterious, perhaps non-monogamous.
There’s only room for one monogamist in our relationship!
And this has illustrated to me that monogamy is not a moral choice; it’s inborn. It’s nature, a sexual orientation.
I could do just as much damage to a relationship as he could. And he could be just as beneficial to it, as me.
Monogamy is not a virtue.
And neither is anything else.
Not telling the truth, not kindness, not even love, are a virtue.
And neither are there vices or bad habits;
All things can be used for good or for evil.
Just like me blowing up the cage of morality, can be done for good or for evil.
It all depends on your point of view, your interest in the matter, and the Why. The reason behind the act.
And this is when purpose steps in;
And why yesterday afternoon I was on the table dancing and yelling in excitement at my coach Sara. Because Purpose is to the one who has it, the Why that transcends morality.
Purpose is not just powerful enough to blow the cage.
It is also the only reason why any sane person would dare to blow the cage up, and escape. Quite possibly losing the support and love from everyone they love, who will be angry with them for blowing up their moral habitat.
So I was already euphoric from my coaching call with Sara, when I encountered a philosopher, online. His name is Menno de Bree.
And his work, or opinion, seemed to be (at first glance at least) the exact opposite of mine.
You can watch his TEDx talk here.
He warned me, us (the people in the cages I think) that by adopting the belief that you can improve your own life, you become susceptible to manipulation.
In particular by your employer.
He illustrated how when we lose our jobs, we don’t just have an economic or social problem, we have an existential problem, because we have identified with our jobs.
How was it possible that I was drawn to him?
Why did I believe that by reading his work, which was diametrically opposite to mine since I believed your whole entire life should revolve around finding and living your purpose, I would come to new insights?
I don’t know.
Maybe it is comparable to what I heard Brad Pitt say about acting being like tennis: the fastest way to get better is to play with someone who is at a higher level than you.
Since I m (officially) just dipping my toes in the water of what could be considered philosophy, although I m more drawn to calling it deciphering power dynamics in order to get what you want, I m definitely upping my game by wanting to be tested, challenged by someone who seems to be holding an opposing view on things.
Or maybe a complementary view.
That is all yet to be seen.
Because I asked my coach Sara, that if Purpose is the only weapon that can blow up the cage of morality, the only force powerful enough to set us free, if she then believed it was available to everyone.
Was the weapon, the dynamite of Purpose, available to all who were trapped and unhappy in the cage? Because if it was, then it meant that everybody in the cage, was there voluntarily.

This is what my creativity coach Sara wrote on her Facebook page.
We are on on different continents. So although it was my afternoon, the call was AM for her. 

“A client asked me this morning whether I thought everyone has a purpose or has access to a sense of purpose. I said I believed that we all have the seeds of purpose – the unique combination of creativities we are born to express – but that growing those seeds takes more work and more discomfort than many people are willing or able to put in.
Quoting from Brené Brown:

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

7-Figure Rock Star Writer

The cage of morality, and the key of purpose is episode 12 of my project 7-figure rock star writer

Subscribe to get inspired!
And feel free to unsubscribe, resubscribe, ignore,
and binge as often as you want!
The subscribe button is somewhere on this page

Or follow on Facebook or Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

My diaries en erotica are available at 
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

— mijn boeken zijn voor Nederland tijdelijk zonder verzendkosten én met 25% korting verkrijgbaar bij mijn uitgever. Gebruik code ONESHIP.
Nadat je je eerste boek in het karretje hebt gelegd, kun je met de vlag rechtsboven je winkel Nederland selecteren —-

I quit writing (about my love life)

Project M. and in particular its last chapter Like a Prayer is my final diary for an indefinite period of time. 

I ve been writing about my love life, pretty much non-stop, since 2006, the moment I became single. And although it has brought me many things – in particular the opportunity to have relationships that are way out of my league – it has now started to constrict me.
The cage of self-reflection and transparency, that I built to protect myself, has become a prison.
I need to start living, and start experiencing life, without the pen.
Or at least without diary writing/ blogging about my real life.

I m going to use this time to create my four new books

One Dutch book with columns:
Blote Kont
Verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit

One English book with columns:
I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW

One English book about Mistresshood:
The Big Mistress

And one diary 2017-2018, called Reboot.
Which will also include my last diary Project M.

1 I’ve registered as an entrepreneur with the Chamber of Commerce

2 I m going away during the three weeks of indoor refurbishment

3 I ve stopped writing about my love life and now blog about becoming the first Dutch 7-figure Rock Star Writer

4 I ve completely internalized my sexuality 

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

7-Figure Rock Star Writer

Mistress becomes rock star is episode 11 of my project 7-figure rock star writer

Subscribe to get inspired!
And feel free to unsubscribe, resubscribe, ignore,
and binge as often as you want!
The subscribe button is somewhere on this page

Or follow on Facebook or Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

My diaries en erotica are available at 
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

—- Nederlandse boeken tijdelijk direct verkrijgbaar —-

I quit writing (about my love life)

Project M. and in particular its last chapter Like a Prayer is my final diary for an indefinite period of time. 

I ve been writing about my love life, pretty much non-stop, since 2006, the moment I became single. And although it has brought me many things – in particular the opportunity to have relationships that are way out of my league – it has now started to constrict me.
The cage of self-reflection and transparency, that I built to protect myself, has become a prison.
I need to start living, and start experiencing life, without the pen.
Or at least without diary writing/ blogging about my real life.

I m going to use this time to create my four new books

One Dutch book with columns:
Blote Kont
Verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit

One English book with columns:
I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW

One English book about Mistresshood:
The Big Mistress

And one diary 2017-2018, called Reboot.
Which will also include my last diary Project M.

Only last week I was still worried about my sexuality.
I didn’t masturbate anymore.
Or very little.
I knew I felt better at times when I did masturbate and preferably daily.
But I just couldn’t make myself.

It probably started when the scaffolding was up, and I couldn’t lie in bed in private unless I closed the curtains.
Which were extra dark and heavy, to protect me from prying eyes.
But the only times I went to bed was to nap if I was particularly sleep deprived from a combination of not being able to sleep due to all the stress,
and still wanting to get up early, either because they needed to be in my house.
Or because I wanted to be dressed and behind my desk the time the construction workers started their work on the outside of the building.
Still in the dark.
Sun doesn’t get up until 8.30

The past few weeks were pretty sleep-deprived due to the more or less involuntary early start on weekdays so when my head hit the pillow all I wanted to do was sleep.
Perhaps the overnight recovery of my libido was because they all left for their 2 week holiday recess.
But the past couple of days my sexuality is right back where I left it, plus more.
I masturbate every day and the orgasms are deeper than they used to be.

The leap is comparable to around the time I was thirty, when the same thing happened. I was in a long-term relationship but just like now my sex-life hardly included any real sex.
I felt the change based on masturbation alone.
I have that same leap in sexual zest right now.
The improvement surprised me because after twelve years of giving my single love life my undivided attention, I had just changed direction.

From now on I was focused on becoming the first Dutch 7-figure rock star writer, and my secret lover Mr.Big could just go do whatever he wanted because being dependent on when he had time, had figured things out, or waiting for him to come around, was no longer satisfying.
I wasn’t saying that I would never see him again.
Nor that I didn’t love him anymore.
But I had decided that I wasn’t going to WAIT.
FIT IN.
BEND OVER THE FUCK BACKWARDS TO HAVE SEX WITH THE MAN I LOVE.
I needed all my energy, sanity and self-esteem for this new goal I had.

In theory, and this is all hypothetical, I could become one of those strong career women who have carefree, satisfying sex, with a variety of lovers.
Late at night, after a hard day of work, when she needs to relax and texts a man if he fancies a drink.
But I don’t do carefree.
I don’t do low-maintenance.
Mainly because I put in so much work and effort in order to have a good time.

With most men I had to do the mental work, the making-conversation AND creating the environment and mindset/idea which would make make me want to have sex.
I’ve been good at sex because I could let go, or compensate for everything the other person wasn’t able to deliver. Or for every feeling that I lacked for him.
Intimacy.
Emotions.
Arousal.

If I needed to I could spin the whole entire thing.
But this also means that sex for me is draining, a lot of fucking work.
I’m sure that in those twelve years I’ve had multiple lovers who did do more than their share.
But at this point in my life, having renounced the entire concept that I’m ever going to do his work, make his excuses, and settle for anyone who’s not emotionally mature enough, not interested enough, not socially skilled enough to make the whole entire thing work like fricking magic?
I just can’t think of anyone.

My relationship with Mr.Big stood out, not just because I was madly in love with him, but also because he was really good when we were together.
The moments we were actually together – I never had to do his work.
With him I had to work on the moments when we were not, together.

But after four years, and experiencing another level of being excluded from his life, I’m done playing this game.
I’m losing.
Where I once enjoyed having him in my life, without being thrown out like all his other side-dates;
And without jeopardizing his marriage, which was obviously important to him or he would have divorced her;
Something has changed.
And I would be very surprised if that started with me having enough of it, that would be giving myself too much credit.

No, I think it started with him giving me less, and me ultimately starting to feel unwanted.
I decided last week I was not going to invest anything in my love life again, and focus entirely on my career.
And what happened?
My sexuality restored.
ALL with fantasies based on Mr.Big and me.

There have been times when I have tried to quit masturbating to him. So that if he would end things with me, I wouldn’t lose my favorite masturbation fantasies along with it.
But now I see something else has happened; I have completely internalized our sex life. Him and me.
I can actually afford not investing in our flaky lover/mistress relationship, and also let him be with whomever he wants to be.
I don’t need him for the best love life ever.
I’ve got everything I need right here, in my head.

I don’t need him any more than he needs me. 

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

7-Figure Rock Star Writer

I m bringing sexy back (home) is episode 10 of my project 7-figure rock star writer

—
about “GLOW-UP 2026”

In January, Google has started pushing my old posts.
Unfortunately, my website was one of many casualties of WordPress Gugenheim software updates.
Meaning the layout of this post was completely destroyed and none of the new visitors was able to read it.

Therefor I have decided to run by all my old posts, starting with the ones currently in rotation, and give them a well-deserved update that will do what glow-ups are supposed to do;
Make them better.

—
Subscribe to this blog, and receive my current work.
The subscription button is on this page, most likely on the top right.

 

Recently I ve encountered the question of Loneliness And What To Do With It?
In several different shapes.
The loneliness that causes or aggravates alcoholism.
Loneliness that is at the root of depression.
And the loneliness which is an almost physical pain, an urgent need, screaming out for physical contact.
I read an article about depression and loneliness, and it brought me tears. I was almost at the point where I acknowledged in how much pain I was, and had been the entire year already.
I was about to recognize it, and give in to my craving for a deep and meaningful relationship, in particular with a man.
One that involved seeing each other not just on our highs, but also on our moments of weakness.
I saw myself investing way more in friendships and family.
And thank God I could have a cat again, in February. Ending 13 months  loneliness.
My little cat Max died January 12th, and his death pulled my entire life from underneath me.
He turned out to be the pin that was holding everything together.
And after his death, it all just fell apart.
Including me.
Next February the renovation from the building cooperation is done, and I can have a new feline in my life.
But from all of the above solutions for my loneliness only the cat is going to stay.
All the others, as much as I cried reading that article, and even now just thinking about the bleak picture it painted, tears are streaming down my cheeks-
NOT going to give in.
NOT going to happen.
I am NOT going to be someone who needs a shoulder to cry on or perhaps even a hand reaching out to save her.
I did ask for those things when I was in an acute state of stress, which has happened twice in the past year.
Then I write an email to my closest friends, explaining what happened, and how a date would be very beneficial now. 
I m very specific in what I ask.
I don’t present myself needing extra attention for an indefinite period of time.
NOT BECAUSE I THINK THAT IS UNLOVABLE!!!
But because it would drive me crazy…
It would be like an affirmation that I might not be able to overcome this and stay depressed for ever. I don’t want to live like that.
If I would even allow that thought, that my suffering is not temporary, I might lose the will to live.
Same with investing in creating a sustainable and stable social network so that I won’t be so prone to loneliness anymore:
NOT GOING TO DO IT.
I know human interaction, and love (both giving and receiving) are basic needs for all humans.
And without it I too will die, I know that.
It’s not that I m saying: “Oh! I can do without!”
No way.
I m just saying:
I am not going to build my life around this.
Not worry about relationships and what I did or didn’t do (well try not to worry! lol).
Or why people no longer want to talk to me;
Or what happened that I don’t want to talk to certain people.
I m not going to figure out what I have to do so no one leaves me.
To me, love and a sense of belonging are one of those things, that Life is just going to have to figure out for me.
Because I am going to do my purpose work – that which lights me up inside and gives me a feeling of accomplishment.
And I am not going to invest in figuring out how to design a life with a stable social structure and sustainable relationships.
Because you actually can make a life out of that.
That will BE your life then.
Human interaction is so complex, you can keep analyzing and fixing until you drop. If it is part of your purpose you can make your social life a priority.
I ve made my love life a priority for the past 12 years.
In my early thirties I was so far off from knowing who I was, with regard to sex and love. All I knew was that I was not the person I had pretended to be.
And that I was literally scared to death, by what I did want.
12 Years of giving it my focus actually did turn me into the person I wanted to be: Someone who can have challenging and emotionally exciting relationships.
But now I ve shifted and I m on my path of becoming the first Dutch 7-figure rock star writer.
And strangely enough, despite the loneliness and my realization that I don’t have energy to map out all the opportunities and flaws in my social life – this purpose work gives me an even better sense of belonging.
Not belonging with other people.
But knowing I belong in this Universe.

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

Written in response to my post:
How Purpose gives us strength by Christy Ari/ The Simpleton

7-Figure Rock Star Writer

Purpose heals all wounds is episode 9 of my project 7-figure rock star writer

Subscribe to get inspired
Feel free to unsubscribe, resubscribe, ignore, and binge as often as you want!

Or follow on Facebook or Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

My diaries en erotica are available at 
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

—- Nederlandse boeken tijdelijk direct verkrijgbaar —-

I quit writing (about my love life)

Project M. and in particular its last chapter Like a Prayer is my final diary for an indefinite period of time. 

I ve been writing about my love life, pretty much non-stop, since 2006, the moment I became single. And although it has brought me many things – in particular the opportunity to have relationships that are way out of my league – it has now started to constrict me.
The cage of self-reflection and transparency, that I built to protect myself, has become a prison.
I need to start living, and start experiencing life, without the pen.
Or at least without diary writing/ blogging about my real life.

I m going to use this time to create my four new books

One Dutch book with columns:
Blote Kont
Verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit

One English book with columns:
I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW

One English book about Mistresshood:
The Big Mistress

And one diary 2017-2018, called Reboot.
Which will also include my last diary Project M.

Yesterday I woke up, with the romantic idea that I was no longer going to work myself to death.
Instead I was going to start my day cycling or by doing yoga, before anything else.
Today I nourished a similar delusion that I would quit these daily blogs, in order to focus fully on publishing my books for the upcoming however-long-it-took.
What I found out is that I barely know how to breathe, without writing.
Let alone do yoga, or bury myself in publishing books.
It’s definitely a progressive thing. There have been times when I didn’t write.
But ouch! The withdrawal was nasty!
The loneliness of not writing.
The notebooks that keep filling up with notes that don’t have anywhere to go.
Both internally and externally, the tension just keeps building up.
Of course, eventually I CAN come to new insights, without typing them all out here.
But it requires more time, and a lot of input from friends and family.
Which I m very uncomfortable with, because they have put up with me already needing a lot of extra attention this year for things that I could not write about.
And they paid the price.
The main thing I could not write about, were all the different stages of slimming down, rebranding and ultimately entirely quitting my yoga studio.
You can’t present yourself to the outside world, and at the same time share everything you re not sure about.
So when this morning I knew that in order to get those books out, as soon as possible, it was best to stop writing here, and go all in on the publishing part?
It was just a dream.
That’s not going to happen.
And if it did, it would mean I would have to share everything with my loved ones instead, and this is not an appealing thought.
Because writing yesterday’s blog post I also realized that eleven days ago, when I registered as a company named Lauren Harteveld –
I became my work.
That Lauren didn’t actually rely on her loved ones, the way I had for the past 46 years.
She was far more independent.
And although it was Lauren’s fantasy too, to be able to quit writing just for one or two months, and crunch it with those new books;
We both agreed it was a bad idea.
Writing is necessary for my/ our sanity.
More than taking care of my body.
More than publishing my books.
I would do well to remember that, because I ve gone through this cycle multiple times. Of wanting to quit writing temporarily, or stop prioritizing it since “writing will come out and happen anyway”.
So I had all that!
My little weekend of wanting to be normal, I guess you can put it.
But I also had a HUGE (!!) epiphany over why I am so motivated by this.
Next to the recognition that I am obviously not normal, I now know why I am not normal.
In the movie Fantastic Beasts – The Crimes of Grindelwald, there is a flashback scene to wizarding school where a boy named Newton Scamander, has to face his biggest fear.
The Boggart, a magical entity, will automatically turn itself into your biggest fear.
For Newt?
It’s a desk.
Which makes sense because he will grow up to be a wizard who manages, and regulates dragons and other monsters. And nursing them and taking care of them whenever they need that.
“You’ve never met a monster you didn’t like,” someone says to him.
I have the same thing!
I do loooove my desk (of course I do!) But even more than that, I love internal monsters… Even when they threaten my life.
Thursday I m going to see a doctor because I might have medical conditions which entitle me to funded alternative housing during the renovation.
I’ve already decided I m not going to stay here.
I m definitely going to get an apartment for myself, for those three weeks.
Even if it’s going punch a serious hole in my startup budget.
But I do have limited resources!
And if the temporary housing can be funded, it will save me a lot of money, which I can put into my business.
Preparing for this consultation with the doctor, I started to think about why I had not come sooner. And what to expect, what she’d probably recommend.
It wasn’t like I wasn’t open to ways to improve my health.
But that was when I had the epiphany;
That I like this!
I need the thrill.
To me, living a balanced life is the thing I fear most.
Just like Newt Scamander feared that office desk.
In my love life I ve known this for a long time. Which is why I ve always looked for relationships that challenged me, and that were unstable by default.
Because they were with immature men, or because I didn’t love him, or he not me.
Because they lived on the other side of the ocean, or because he was still married.
But nothing that would ever allow me to lean back and relax.
In quitting writing about my love life, and instead writing about work, I had subconsciously assumed I was moving to calmer waters.
My wild days were behind me.
I was shifting towards normal, after all.
Until I imagined that doctor sitting there, and explaining to me that my blood pressure was way too high, my heart was under stress, and I was extremely close to a burnout.
The only solution was to slow down, and to stop working myself into exhaustion.
To just leave this entire dream of publishing my four new books within a couple of weeks, all the while blogging daily.
And to then up my game becoming a famous speaker on the topics of sex, relationships, and on being a wealthy as fuck writer.
It was just insane.
That’s when I knew it was never the desk, that Newton Scamander feared;
It was the absence of danger.
It was a life that allowed him to lean back and relax.
What Newt and me feared, is feared by few;
Safety.

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

Subscribe to get inspired by this journey to becoming the first Dutch 7-figure rock star writer.
Feel free to unsubscribe, resubscribe, ignore, and binge as often as you want!

7-Figure Rock Star Writer

Adrenaline Junkie is episode 8 of my project 7-figure rock star writer

You can follow this journey by subscribing to this blog
Or follow on Facebook or Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

My diaries en erotica are available at 
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

—- Nederlandse boeken tijdelijk direct verkrijgbaar —-

I quit writing (about my love life)

Project M. and in particular its last chapter Like a Prayer is my final diary for an indefinite period of time. 

I ve been writing about my love life, pretty much non-stop, since 2006, the moment I became single. And although it has brought me many things – in particular the opportunity to have relationships that are way out of my league – it has now started to constrict me.
The cage of self-reflection and transparency, that I built to protect myself, has become a prison.
I need to start living, and start experiencing life, without the pen.
Or at least without diary writing/ blogging about my real life.

I m going to use this time to create my four new books

One Dutch book with columns:
Blote Kont
Verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit

One English book with columns:
I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW

One English book about Mistresshood:
The Big Mistress

And one diary 2017-2018, called Reboot.
Which will also include my last diary Project M.

Twitter just asked me to sum up my 2018 with an emoji.
I chose a burning container.
One of those big ones they use on ships.
Which I saw as a positive interpretation of this year.
Because I do believe you need to make space, and burn way more boats than you intended to, in order to achieve your goals.
And create the life of your dreams.
Since I quit the yoga studio, but especially since I started my new company under this name Lauren Harteveld ten days ago – I feel anxious.
Easily irritated.
Stressed out.
Not because I live in the past, angry over everything that was burned in the proverbial container. Nor do I feel resentful over the things that didn’t come into fruition.
I feel I’m racing against time.
Against money.
Against my courage.
Against the outside world closing in on me, who will one day force me to accept a real job if writing “still” has nothing to show for.
I noticed this week’s social occasions being unexpectedly straining, or having more awkward moments than usual. Initially I wasn’t able to pinpoint it.
At the beginning of the week I had even made the resolution to make more space for my social life, because I assumed it would be part of my goal to have daily Lighthouse Moments;
Moments to shine and recharge!
Yet by the end of the week, I was convinced social activities were way too unpredictable to be labeled as Lighthouse Activities. The only unapologetic lighthouse moment I had experienced, had been a network meeting.
Where I hardly knew anyone.
In other words: my true Lighthouse Moments were when I could completely identify with my work.
Which explained why I had labeled the pretty hermit activity, to create videos for my channel (intend to pick that up!) instinctively as a lighthouse moment.
Of course!
Just like the network meeting, recording a video as Lauren Harteveld, was a moment where I would fully identify with my work.
I thought I had been changing my name, at the Chamber of Commerce.
But what I had done, was to breathe life into the writer side of me.
The lighthouse moments were Her moments.
The connection with friends and family, were not.
In retrospect it was no coincidence at all, I was experiencing so much trouble in my social life.
I also quit writing about my love life this week.
I assumed because it was starting to turn against me.
There had been some irregularities between my secret lover and me, which had been bothering me for a while. And I was just so done trying to make sense of it.
Besides, if after 12 years of being single, you start wondering why you don’t have a man to sit with under the Christmas tree.
Or even why you don’t have a Christmas tree.
It’s time to abort ship.
So I assumed my choice to wrap up my diary Project M, and focus solely on work, creating a biz, and all the personal breakthroughs that would come from that – was simply because I was calling it quits on foretelling or analyzing what the fuck was going on in my love life.
But of course that too was a direct consequence of choosing to become Lauren Harteveld!
The first Dutch, 7-figure, rock star writer is not going to waste her holidays waiting for a guy to show up.
She ain’t got time for that, Baby!
So no wonder I had an extremely rough week.
I had already become Lauren Harteveld, yet I expected to feel fulfilled within the delicate social structures of those who loved “me”.
Old me.
Neither was it a coincidence that I was feeling increasingly restless.
Everything, my insecurity, the confrontations, the disappointments, the entire drama filled week;
It could ALL be explained by my choice to become Lauren Harteveld.
I had chosen my work over my social life.
I had chosen my work over love.
And my standards has raised tremendously.
In January, the renovation of my building is moving fully indoors. This means that for three weeks my house is supposedly still livable, with an emergency toilet, one cold water tap, and an electrical stove.
While my kitchen, hallway, toilet, bathroom, sewer (I will have to throw my water out the window, like in the middle ages!) are out of order.
Now old me, thought she would just go live with her mother for three weeks.
New me, tried that for two nights this week (because of the asbestos renovation) and patiently explained to her mother this was not a good idea.
That she appreciated she could always stay here – and she stressed she would return the favor if her mother ever needed her – but that she was going to look for something for herself.
Period.
New me, Lauren Harteveld, was not going to be someone’s guest for three weeks. Nor was she going to live in a house, where she had to sleep next to her poop for three weeks.
In defense of the building cooperation:
There is an apartment nearby where tenants can shower, cook and leave their turds. So technically you don’t have to camp in your own home, if you’re willing to leave your house and walk a few doors down for shared facilities.
My mom and me had our conversation about the change of plans, early this week. But I didn’t actually realize I was going so hard limit with having a real house, until this weekend.
There was a problem with the heating which had broken down, after it had finally been fixed the day before.
After having issues for over three weeks.
So within 24 hours of getting it running smoothly, it broke down again.
I called the emergency number and in the afternoon a mechanic came over.
While he was working, I told him the renovation had been hugely straining. Due to the extra asbestos removal and the unexpected replacement of my radiators which then in turn had been causing ongoing trouble with the heating.
I was already at my wits end and dreaded the “official” 3 weeks of indoor renovation.
I also told him I had been looking for alternatives, of apartments where I could stay.  But that they looked remote and lonely.
He informed me there was alternative housing, but you needed a medical certificate for that.
Naturally, neither him nor me, had any idea if I would qualify.
But after he left, I started to make arrangements and along the way something strange happened.
I suddenly knew I actually AM crazy.
Not in the sense that I believe the housing cooperation owes me alternative housing (that’s up to them). But crazy in the sense that the way I ve been handling this year’s burning container, is extremely risky.
It is NOT what a normal person would do.
It’s one of the things I ve told to many people!
That I have two choices.
One is I take therapy and learn to put my failed yoga career into perspective, lower expectations a bit, learn to be content with maybe a little bit less drama, and a more regulated life.
“And maybe in three years time I ll be fit enough to take a job,” I usually add.
OR.
I leave it all behind.
Burn the boat.
The container.
Everything I once was.
And start over.
The second option is to move forward and to never look back.
I was never going to do normal.
I’ve always known that.
By becoming Lauren Harteveld, the candid blogger and erotica writer, I have made sure I can never go back.
But Lauren has limited time before her resources run out.
Time she is not going to waste camping between the turds.
Nor jeopardize it, feeling isolated in a remote holiday resort.
Nor is she going to stay over at her mother’s, like a stray cat.
No.
Lauren Harteveld knows that every day in her life is important.
But those three weeks?
Are when she will build her life.

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

7-Figure Rock Star Writer

Jump is episode 7 of my project 7-figure rock star writer

You can follow this journey by subscribing to this blog
Or follow on Facebook or Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

My diaries en erotica are available at 
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

—- Nederlandse boeken tijdelijk direct verkrijgbaar —-

I quit writing

Project M. and in particular its last chapter Like a Prayer is my final diary for an indefinite period of time. 

I ve been writing about my love life, pretty much non-stop, since 2006, the moment I became single. And although it has brought me many things – in particular the opportunity to have relationships that are way out of my league – it has now started to constrict me.
The cage of self-reflection and transparency, that I built to protect myself, has become a prison.
I need to start living, and start experiencing life, without the pen.
Or at least without diary writing/ blogging about my real life.

I m going to use this time to create my four new books

One Dutch book with columns:
Blote Kont
Verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit

One English book with columns:
I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW

One English book about Mistresshood:
The Big Mistress

And one diary 2017-2018, called Reboot.
Which will also include my last diary Project M.

This post, and all other daily reviews of my path to becoming a highly successful writerpreneur *coughs loudly* were just going to be Facebook posts.
Because this is a quickie.
No need to collect them.
Just a little overview on how my workday went, where I found inspiration, and where I didn’t.
Maybe a small habit log if I saw daylight, or did something with this thing called A Body, aside from giving it alcohol.
It wasn’t an official diary.
But experience taught me that whenever I made daily Fb posts of more than two sentences, I either gave up on them within a week.
OR they got longer and longer and I got so annoyed I had not logged these little bitches and also ended up abandoning the project.
Either way posting my days on Facebook never lasted longer than a week.
So despite my resolution that these posts should be only about work, and not gems to be curated for future books – these reviews had to be proper blog posts after all.
Proper means I can find it back if I ever decide to publish my journey of becoming the first Dutch 7-figure rock star writer. 
Two days ago I wrote an ending to what I intend to be my final diary.
I ve been writing about my love life since 2012, which has resulted in;
– 10 books in print,
– four on the shelves (see paragraph bottom of the page);
– and one mistress-lover relationship with Mr.Big which is going through some turmoil.
*coughs ferociously*
Or maybe I am, I am still not sure.
*hears ribs snap*
2018 has been a bad year for both of us.
For him because he always has quite a lot going on in his family life. Since our relationship is secret, I can’t go into detail without making shit up.
And for me (about which I can be honest) 2018 was not a good year because my little cat Max died in January, I quit my yoga studio after 15 years, and I m currently in the middle of a three month renovation by the building cooperation.
Oh, and also; I never had feelings for other men in all the years we had an affair. Yet it’s like I had an awakening this summer. Having feelings for someone else shook me so much I immediately started a whole new diary
Around that time, I felt things shifting with Mr.Big as well.
It’s a chicken and egg situation;
There’s no way to reconstruct what happened in his life or mine. And how much of it was an unconscious response to the other needing space. 
It’s particularly difficult since him and me don’t really talk about our relationship. Not with each other.
That’s almost like our code, or my code. 
Because I’m like inverted Yakuza.
I talk/write to everybody about my feelings, except with the men who cause them. And since I gave up on real diary writing two days ago, I m not writing about it anymore either.
It’s Saturday morning now.
I have a cold *coughs so hard ribs snap back into place*, my heating just broke , and the largest part of the week has been lost to deeply emotional stuff coming up in my private life and I wasted entire days getting the house ready for an asbestos renovation and putting everything back two days later when I was allowed back in.
I stayed over at my mother’s house, which was also not great for productivity nor for getting a sense of ownership over your life.
I did decide I m not going to stay there in January, when I have to leave my house for three weeks. Nor am I going to stay over as a guest anywhere else.
I want my own apartment.
With wifi, a washing machine, and close enough to the city so that I can still see my friends and cycle home.
I could easily nominate this week for being the least productive, most messy one of the year.
I feel bona fide horrible.
Which was why I was extra happy that yesterday’s non-diary blog post, brought me a fabulous new friend!
We know each other from the programs we take with our coach Katrina Ruth.
And I already knew we had similar interests surrounding sex.
But I was surprised to read my post I am that one in a million rock star writer spoke to her.
It was not sexual at all, and it was about me choosing writing.
I was certain she was a coach and a very successful one too. Why would she be interested in becoming a writer, or in me becoming a writer?
We chatted in Messenger and it turned out that focusing on writing had indeed been her dream for a very long time.
But the interesting thing was:
She had an extremely successful coaching business, which had been holding her back. Online programs, coaching sessions; she had everything that I had seriously considered incorporating into my business.
It was more a fake-it-till-you-make-it that I had written that blog post where I stated I would be exclusively focusing on writing.
And why I would not rely on any income streams from speaking/ coaching/ online programs.
I had been faking it.
I was not that certain.
But by talking to her about what happens if your secondary activities take off and make you good money? Boy!
I wasn’t faking it anymore!
I MADE that decision!
I was better off choosing other sources of income, in the field of management and consultancy. Which didn’t have anything to do with my purpose work of being a writer.
That way it would always be clear, that offering these services, or taking that job, were just a means to an end
I would never confuse them with my purpose work.
Whereas if I would do coaching or offer online programs related to what I write about – sexuality, mindset, identity play – the boundaries between what was purpose work and what wasn’t, would get blurry.
We chatted for two hours, and she inspired me by sharing a list of decisions she made, while we were talking.
It made me go next level with my decision to stick to my guns/pen and to not have anything clogging up my business model.
Inspired by her list of business decisions, I refined mine as well:
1. Daily writing AND creating books AND business hours/selling
My ONLY job is writing and creating books.
I am an full cycle creator: I do everything from draft to final editing, and sales.
My dairies will have a cover created by my graphic designer- for my other work I ll do it myself.
2. PR/speaking gigs/creating videos
I may do speaking gigs, or create videos, but only if they feel aligned for me.
I need to feel I can really shine!!
It needs to be a lighthouse moment, and not be surrounded by heaviness, or a preconceived idea on what it needs to be.
Which brings me to:
3. I AM AN ARTIST
This is so huge. It’s also the final reason why I m not going to do coaching;
A craft is something you only get better at.
Art is something that can fail.
The phase where I create a book from my blog posts is by definition after the subject is done for me.
The real art is in the process.
Years ago, I studied a theory called The White Tigress, a sexual, spiritual path for women. I wrote a lot about it, but never THE book!
Never a manual for life as a White Tigress.
Then ultimately…. I felt it slipping!
My relationship with my secret lover Mr.Big had been going steady for years, and I came to realize I didn’t like having multiple partners, the way it is advocated in The White Tigress.
I managed to squeeze out one tiny White Tigress booklet, in Dutch, but in the epilogue it already says that I will be moving on, because I ve come to realize I am not a Tigress. I am a Mistress.
The same thing is happening with my Mistress work.
I ve written about that topic for four years now, and already published my first book about being a mistress; Big, diaries and erotica.
But I never wrote THE manual!
And I don’t intend to squeeze it out last minute either. Not this time.
I will make a collection from all the pieces I wrote on sex and being a mistress, and that will be it.
And although I m interested in attending conferences on modern relationships, I want to do so without it being some kind of sales pitch for my latest book.
Whenever I am invited somewhere I need it to feel open and expanded and let new thoughts arise. 
I AM a performer! Definitely! But the trick is that the performing is in the writing. It’s in the process.
And not so much in putting on a show on stage, playing out one role, or defending one point of view.
The White Tigress and the Mistress do not really exist.
Nor can the 7-figure rock star writer ever be summoned onto the stage;
They are all simply personas I use a certain time in my life.
They’re the roles from which I write, think, find things out.
And the only way to know how I actually became the first 7-figure Dutch rock star writer, is by following this blog.
Because I will not be able to tell you afterwards.

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

WANT TO GROW YOUR OWN MONEY TREE?

This daily log is part of my project 7-figure rock star writer

You can follow this journey on this blog (SUBSCRIPTION BUTTON ON PAGE)
Facebook and Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

My diaries en erotica are available at 
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

I quit writing

Project M. and in particular its last chapter Like a Prayer is my final diary for an indefinite period of time. 

I ve been writing about my love life, pretty much non-stop, since 2006, the moment I became single. And although it has brought me many things – in particular the opportunity to have relationships that are way out of my league – it has now started to constrict me.
The cage of self-reflection and transparency, that I built to protect myself, has become a prison.
I need to start living, and start experiencing life, without the pen.
Or at least without diary writing/ blogging about my real life.

I m going to use this time to create my four new books

One Dutch book with columns:
Blote Kont
Verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit

One English book with columns:
I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW

One English book about Mistresshood:
The Big Mistress

And one diary 2017-2018, called Reboot.
Which will also include my last diary Project M.