Mistress becomes rock star

Dear Sara,
The category:
Things Thou Shalt Not Do After Three Christmas Dinners, 
should include an activity Trying to make sense of the past two weeks and write a review for your creativity coach.
So my apologies!
I might forget to mention some of the minor life events.
These are the big ones.

1 I’ve registered as an entrepreneur with the Chamber of Commerce

I don’t even recall exactly what the line of reasoning was, just that I knew it was my one-way ticket to becoming my alias Lauren Harteveld. 
The burn-the-boat variation.
By registering under that name I was breathing life into Lauren and made it practically impossible to ever again accept some kind of grey mouse job, regardless of the level.
My work under this name would never be omitted anymore out of my resume.
I was Lauren Harteveld.
I was so nervous about registering, I didn’t tell anyone. Like an adult or something!
It felt very cheeky not to ask advice from, or inform my bookkeeper or mother beforehand.
But I knew I had to do it, and wanted to do it before I lost my nerve.

2 I m going away during the three weeks of indoor refurbishment

The quality of living (I don t even want to call it quality) is going to be so ridiculously low, staying in my apartment is no longer an option. And I also spent two nights at my mother’s for last week’s asbestos renovation.
But to think I would do that three weeks, is not empowering at all.

I m going to try to get a replacement apartment funded by the building cooperation based on medical grounds. That lurking burnout and continuing heart problems could be of use after all. 
But if that is not an option I m going to get like an AirB&B in the city. I want to be near my friends, not isolated in a resort (I do everything by bike)

3 I ve stopped writing about my love life and now blog about becoming the first Dutch 7-figure Rock Star Writer

After 12 years of writing about my quest from dare I say zero to hero- fighting my demons and stepping into the sexuality that was truly mine, it is now time to move on.
Writing about it has brought me many things and has allowed me to be in relationships most sane people would avoid or get crushed by.
But I feel it s currently starting to work against me.
By becoming Lauren Harteveld with regard to work, I ve also ensured that in this area too, I cannot go back.
The option to just pretend I m Mr.Big’s new mousy girlfriend, got cancelled.
I am Lauren Harteveld, and anyone who dates me will be dating Lauren Harteveld, the mistress or former mistress.
For the past half year or so, things have been changing between Mr.Big and me.
Or maybe just with him, and I felt I was left on the breadcrumb side of the relationship.
By quitting writing about our affair, I feel I m no longer nourishing, or writing to life, something that he may not even be paying attention to anymore.
Or maybe it’s to find out if he’s paying attention.

And find out if what we had is still there, once I stop trying so hard.

4 I ve completely internalized my sexuality 

Ironically, after prioritizing my career over my love life, my libido returned.
It was in deplorable shape. Probably due to workers on my scaffolding from 7 AM, from sleeping at my mom’s house, and as a result from my worries about Mr.Big.
And I also had the asbestos renovation.
Having to clean out your entire kitchen, and having to put it back two days later, is not a very invigorating way to spend your time.

I felt/feel like Cinderella’s construction work sister; a victim of pointless and mundane tasks that involved moving refrigerators around.
So although I had an explanation for not feeling sexual, I didn’t have an explanation why I had my libido restored the minute I shifted my focus.
And not just the lust for it!
I experienced way stronger orgasms than I ever remember having!
It was comparable to when I was in my early thirties and I had a sudden rise in libido and my orgasms were way stronger.
But that was because I quit the pill.
I can’t exactly put my finger on this (this was not punned I swear), but I was very happy with it.
It made me feel healthy (instead of like a dried out pea) and it made masturbation rewarding! And worth scheduling it into my day.
But today I had an even more next level experience, when I decided I was going to pay way more attention to feeling sexual or romantic with myself. I looked it up and it s called auto-sexual or auto-romantic.
And the thought of shifting focus from Mr.Big/Other men, to me, is very inspiring.
I feel like everything I wanted to achieve body wise (losing weight, doing yoga), and all my self-care; will be so much easier to stick with because now it’s directly and only for me.
Also the loneliness associated with working hard will be far less intimidating because I just became my own best friend.
I think that’s it! 
My career plan is to finish four books – I ve already contacted photographer and graphic designer about all my ideas, and that will be done in the upcoming weeks.
After I ve published those books I m going to put myself out there as a speaker.
And sell my books/ get PR from there.
I want everybody to know who LS Harteveld is, but I m not going to present myself as only a writer.
I m going to put my stories and myself first. Books second.
So I feel like I ve wrapped up twelve years of being a mistress, and started my new phase:
Of being the first Dutch 7-figure rock star writer.
She doesn’t need a publisher.
She needs a stage.

An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

7-Figure Rock Star Writer

Mistress becomes rock star is episode 11 of my project 7-figure rock star writer

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I quit writing (about my love life)

Project M. and in particular its last chapter Like a Prayer is my final diary for an indefinite period of time. 

I ve been writing about my love life, pretty much non-stop, since 2006, the moment I became single. And although it has brought me many things – in particular the opportunity to have relationships that are way out of my league – it has now started to constrict me.
The cage of self-reflection and transparency, that I built to protect myself, has become a prison.
I need to start living, and start experiencing life, without the pen.
Or at least without diary writing/ blogging about my real life.

I m going to use this time to create my four new books

One Dutch book with columns:
Blote Kont
Verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit

One English book with columns:

One English book about Mistresshood:
The Big Mistress

And one diary 2017-2018, called Reboot.
Which will also include my last diary Project M.

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