It all started making sense.
I saw how two large pieces of my puzzle were supposed to fit together, and how my theory of not wanting to be a grey mouse (which turned out to be someone who is trapped in morality), and my theory on purpose, were connected.
Purpose was the only force strong enough to break free from the cage of morality. Which explains why I had instantly felt the significance of purpose.
I knew purpose would open many doors.
What I didn’t know, or at least had realized insufficiently, was that the doors to the cage of morality were heavily guarded.
No way you would be able to slid your purpose key into the lock and get a quiet escape.
Instead, purpose was going to blow the cage, and its prisoners would complain that you had ruined their whole entire world.
They would argue that if they wanted their morality cage blown up they would have done so.
Yesterday’s talk with my coach made me realize the strongest opposition to my ideas, to my very existence, comes not from the people who built the cages of morality.
Not the people who are benefiting from the idea that we all have to be good citizens, good workers, good parents, good friends.
It comes from the people who have adopted that cage, that power system, as their truth, and have started checking on each other.
Looking for goodness.
Not seeing that this power structure wasn’t built in their best interest.
Resistance to my new path of purpose, freedom and growth, would come from the ones who relied on their place within the cage of morality.
This overlaps with what I have been experiencing my entire life, general idea that men love me and women fear me.
Which in turn has caused me to fear women and love men.
I m still not sure if I feel like liberating the women that are so eager to defend patriarchy’s rules, by condemning my sexuality, my strength, my presence.
I always assumed women hated me because they felt I was the enemy because I am a mistress. But now I m starting to see I m not just a threat to their marriage, I am a threat to the pillars they’ve built their entire life on.
I deny the very existence of morality.
For example, in the twelve years I focused on my love life I found out I am monogamous. Which means I get the most pleasure if I have only one partner.
The reason it took so long to figure this out, was because I need my partner to be exciting, mysterious, perhaps non-monogamous.
There’s only room for one monogamist in our relationship!
And this has illustrated to me that monogamy is not a moral choice; it’s inborn. It’s nature, a sexual orientation.
I could do just as much damage to a relationship as he could. And he could be just as beneficial to it, as me.
Monogamy is not a virtue.
And neither is anything else.
Not telling the truth, not kindness, not even love, are a virtue.
And neither are there vices or bad habits;
All things can be used for good or for evil.
Just like me blowing up the cage of morality, can be done for good or for evil.
It all depends on your point of view, your interest in the matter, and the Why. The reason behind the act.
And this is when purpose steps in;
And why yesterday afternoon I was on the table dancing and yelling in excitement at my coach Sara. Because Purpose is to the one who has it, the Why that transcends morality.
Purpose is not just powerful enough to blow the cage.
It is also the only reason why any sane person would dare to blow the cage up, and escape. Quite possibly losing the support and love from everyone they love, who will be angry with them for blowing up their moral habitat.
So I was already euphoric from my coaching call with Sara, when I encountered a philosopher, online. His name is Menno de Bree.
And his work, or opinion, seemed to be (at first glance at least) the exact opposite of mine.
You can watch his TEDx talk here.
He warned me, us (the people in the cages I think) that by adopting the belief that you can improve your own life, you become susceptible to manipulation.
In particular by your employer.
He illustrated how when we lose our jobs, we don’t just have an economic or social problem, we have an existential problem, because we have identified with our jobs.
How was it possible that I was drawn to him?
Why did I believe that by reading his work, which was diametrically opposite to mine since I believed your whole entire life should revolve around finding and living your purpose, I would come to new insights?
I don’t know.
Maybe it is comparable to what I heard Brad Pitt say about acting being like tennis: the fastest way to get better is to play with someone who is at a higher level than you.
Since I m (officially) just dipping my toes in the water of what could be considered philosophy, although I m more drawn to calling it deciphering power dynamics in order to get what you want, I m definitely upping my game by wanting to be tested, challenged by someone who seems to be holding an opposing view on things.
Or maybe a complementary view.
That is all yet to be seen.
Because I asked my coach Sara, that if Purpose is the only weapon that can blow up the cage of morality, the only force powerful enough to set us free, if she then believed it was available to everyone.
Was the weapon, the dynamite of Purpose, available to all who were trapped and unhappy in the cage? Because if it was, then it meant that everybody in the cage, was there voluntarily.
This is what my creativity coach Sara wrote on her Facebook page.
We are on on different continents. So although it was my afternoon, the call was AM for her.
“A client asked me this morning whether I thought everyone has a purpose or has access to a sense of purpose. I said I believed that we all have the seeds of purpose – the unique combination of creativities we are born to express – but that growing those seeds takes more work and more discomfort than many people are willing or able to put in.
Quoting from Brené Brown:
Belonging so fully to yourself that you’re willing to stand alone is a wilderness — an untamed, unpredictable place of solitude and searching. It is a place as dangerous as it is breathtaking, a place as sought after as it is feared.
The wilderness can often feel unholy because we can’t control it, or what people think about our choice of whether to venture into that vastness or not. But it turns out to be the place of true belonging, and it’s the bravest and most sacred place you will ever stand.
– Brené Brown –
Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone
In this quote, Brene Brown captures a beautiful description of the kind of work that I’m talking about – the work of stepping into the wilderness, where we feel confusion, doubt, fear of losing social connection, etc. To get to true self-sovereignty, that sense of belonging fully to yourself, there is no path that doesn’t lead through the wilderness.”
After my epiphany-filled Thursday in the wilderness, where I encountered the guides Sara and Menno, who both seemed to be pointing in opposite directions, I bought two books.
The Brenée Brown book for when I felt like basking in the fresh air, the lawlessness, and the freedom of the wilderness.
And Menno de Bree’s book which would outline the consequences of fleeing back into the cage.
I was certain I was going to need both, on my journey.
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living
7-Figure Rock Star Writer
The cage of morality, and the key of purpose is episode 12 of my project 7-figure rock star writer
Subscribe to get inspired!
And feel free to unsubscribe, resubscribe, ignore,
and binge as often as you want!
The subscribe button is somewhere on this page
Or follow on Facebook or Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin
My diaries en erotica are available at
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.
— mijn boeken zijn voor Nederland tijdelijk zonder verzendkosten én met 25% korting verkrijgbaar bij mijn uitgever. Gebruik code ONESHIP.
Nadat je je eerste boek in het karretje hebt gelegd, kun je met de vlag rechtsboven je winkel Nederland selecteren —-
I quit writing (about my love life)
Project M. and in particular its last chapter Like a Prayer is my final diary for an indefinite period of time.
I ve been writing about my love life, pretty much non-stop, since 2006, the moment I became single. And although it has brought me many things – in particular the opportunity to have relationships that are way out of my league – it has now started to constrict me.
The cage of self-reflection and transparency, that I built to protect myself, has become a prison.
I need to start living, and start experiencing life, without the pen.
Or at least without diary writing/ blogging about my real life.
I m going to use this time to create my four new books
One Dutch book with columns:
Verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit
One English book with columns:
I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
One English book about Mistresshood:
The Big Mistress
And one diary 2017-2018, called Reboot.
Which will also include my last diary Project M.