Recently I ve encountered the question of Loneliness And What To Do With It?
In several different shapes.
The loneliness that causes or aggravates alcoholism.
Loneliness that is at the root of depression.
And the loneliness which is an almost physical pain, an urgent need, screaming out for physical contact.
I read an article about depression and loneliness, and it brought me tears. I was almost at the point where I acknowledged in how much pain I was, and had been the entire year already.
I was about to recognize it, and give in to my craving for a deep and meaningful relationship, in particular with a man.
One that involved seeing each other not just on our highs, but also on our moments of weakness.
I saw myself investing way more in friendships and family.
And thank God I could have a cat again, in February. Ending 13 months loneliness.
My little cat Max died January 12th, and his death pulled my entire life from underneath me.
He turned out to be the pin that was holding everything together.
And after his death, it all just fell apart.
Next February the renovation from the building cooperation is done, and I can have a new feline in my life.
But from all of the above solutions for my loneliness only the cat is going to stay.
All the others, as much as I cried reading that article, and even now just thinking about the bleak picture it painted, tears are streaming down my cheeks-
NOT going to give in.
NOT going to happen.
I am NOT going to be someone who needs a shoulder to cry on or perhaps even a hand reaching out to save her.
I did ask for those things when I was in an acute state of stress, which has happened twice in the past year.
Then I write an email to my closest friends, explaining what happened, and how a date would be very beneficial now.
I m very specific in what I ask.
I don’t present myself needing extra attention for an indefinite period of time.
NOT BECAUSE I THINK THAT IS UNLOVABLE!!!
But because it would drive me crazy…
It would be like an affirmation that I might not be able to overcome this and stay depressed for ever. I don’t want to live like that.
If I would even allow that thought, that my suffering is not temporary, I might lose the will to live.
Same with investing in creating a sustainable and stable social network so that I won’t be so prone to loneliness anymore:
NOT GOING TO DO IT.
I know human interaction, and love (both giving and receiving) are basic needs for all humans.
And without it I too will die, I know that.
It’s not that I m saying: “Oh! I can do without!”
I m just saying:
I am not going to build my life around this.
Not worry about relationships and what I did or didn’t do (well try not to worry! lol).
Or why people no longer want to talk to me;
Or what happened that I don’t want to talk to certain people.
I m not going to figure out what I have to do so no one leaves me.
To me, love and a sense of belonging are one of those things, that Life is just going to have to figure out for me.
Because I am going to do my purpose work – that which lights me up inside and gives me a feeling of accomplishment.
And I am not going to invest in figuring out how to design a life with a stable social structure and sustainable relationships.
Because you actually can make a life out of that.
That will BE your life then.
Human interaction is so complex, you can keep analyzing and fixing until you drop. If it is part of your purpose you can make your social life a priority.
I ve made my love life a priority for the past 12 years.
In my early thirties I was so far off from knowing who I was, with regard to sex and love. All I knew was that I was not the person I had pretended to be.
And that I was literally scared to death, by what I did want.
12 Years of giving it my focus actually did turn me into the person I wanted to be: Someone who can have challenging and emotionally exciting relationships.
But now I ve shifted and I m on my path of becoming the first Dutch 7-figure rock star writer.
And strangely enough, despite the loneliness and my realization that I don’t have energy to map out all the opportunities and flaws in my social life – this purpose work gives me an even better sense of belonging.
Not belonging with other people.
But knowing I belong in this Universe.
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living
Written in response to my post:
How Purpose gives us strength by Christy Ari/ The Simpleton
7-Figure Rock Star Writer
Purpose heals all wounds is episode 9 of my project 7-figure rock star writer
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I quit writing (about my love life)
I ve been writing about my love life, pretty much non-stop, since 2006, the moment I became single. And although it has brought me many things – in particular the opportunity to have relationships that are way out of my league – it has now started to constrict me.
The cage of self-reflection and transparency, that I built to protect myself, has become a prison.
I need to start living, and start experiencing life, without the pen.
Or at least without diary writing/ blogging about my real life.
I m going to use this time to create my four new books
One Dutch book with columns:
Verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit
One English book with columns:
I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
One English book about Mistresshood:
The Big Mistress
And one diary 2017-2018, called Reboot.
Which will also include my last diary Project M.