Sick, homeless and emotionally drained. First 24 hours of becoming a 7-figure rock star writer

This post, and all other daily reviews of my path to becoming a highly successful writerpreneur *coughs loudly* were just going to be Facebook posts.
this is a quickie.
No need to collect them.
Just a little overview on how my workday went, where I found inspiration, and where I didn’t.
Maybe a small habit log if I saw daylight, or did something with this thing called A Body, aside from giving it alcohol.
It wasn’t an official diary.

But experience taught me that whenever I made daily Fb posts of more than two sentences, I either gave up on them within a week.
OR they got longer and longer and I got so annoyed I had not logged these little bitches and also ended up abandoning the project.
Either way posting my days on Facebook never lasted longer than a week.

So despite my resolution that these posts should be only about work, and not gems to be curated for future books – these reviews had to be proper blog posts after all.
Proper means I can find it back if I ever decide to publish my journey of becoming the first Dutch 7-figure rock star writer. 

Two days ago I wrote an ending to what I intend to be my final diary.
I ve been writing about my love life since 2012, which has resulted in;
– 10 books in print,
– four on the shelves (see paragraph bottom of the page);
– and one mistress-lover relationship with Mr.Big which is going through some turmoil.
*coughs ferociously*

Or maybe I am, I am still not sure.
*hears ribs snap*

2018 has been a bad year for both of us.
For him because he always has quite a lot going on in his family life. Since our relationship is secret, I can’t go into detail without making shit up.
And for me (about which I can be honest) 2018 was not a good year because my little cat Max died in January, I quit my yoga studio after 15 years, and I m currently in the middle of a three month renovation by the building cooperation.
Oh, and also; I never had feelings for other men in all the years we had an affair. Yet it’s like I had an awakening this summer. Having feelings for someone else shook me so much I immediately started a
 whole new diary
Around that time, I felt things shifting with Mr.Big as well.
It’s a chicken and egg situation;

There’s no way to reconstruct what happened in his life or mine. And how much of it was an unconscious response to the other needing space. 
It’s particularly difficult since him and me don’t really talk about our relationship. Not with each other.
That’s almost like our code, or my code. 

Because I’m like inverted Yakuza.
I talk/write to everybody about my feelings, except with the men who cause them. And since I gave up on real diary writing two days ago, I m not writing about it anymore either.
It’s Saturday morning now.
I have a cold *coughs so hard ribs snap back into place*, my heating just broke , and the largest part of the week has been lost to deeply emotional stuff coming up in my private life and I wasted entire days getting the house ready for an asbestos renovation and putting everything back two days later when I was allowed back in.
I stayed over at my mother’s house, which was also not great for productivity nor for getting a sense of ownership over your life.
I did decide I m not going to stay there in January, when I have to leave my house for three weeks. Nor am I going to stay over as a guest anywhere else.
I want my own apartment.
With wifi, a washing machine, and close enough to the city so that I can still see my friends and cycle home.
I could easily nominate this week for being the least productive, most messy one of the year.
I feel bona fide horrible.
Which was why I was extra happy that yesterday’s non-diary blog post, brought me a fabulous new friend!
We know each other from the programs we take with our coach Katrina Ruth.
And I already knew we had similar interests surrounding sex.
But I was surprised to read my post I am that one in a million rock star writer spoke to her.
It was not sexual at all, and it was about me choosing writing.
I was certain she was a coach and a very successful one too. Why would she be interested in becoming a writer, or in me becoming a writer?
We chatted in Messenger and it turned out that focusing on writing had indeed been her dream for a very long time.
But the interesting thing was:
She had an extremely successful coaching business, which had been holding her back. Online programs, coaching sessions; she had everything that I had seriously considered incorporating into my business.
It was more a fake-it-till-you-make-it that I had written that blog post where I stated I would be exclusively focusing on writing.
And why I would not rely on any income streams from speaking/ coaching/ online programs.
I had been faking it.
I was not that certain.
But by talking to her about what happens if your secondary activities take off and make you good money? Boy!
I wasn’t faking it anymore!
I MADE that decision!
I was better off choosing other sources of income, in the field of management and consultancy. Which didn’t have anything to do with my purpose work of being a writer.
That way it would always be clear, that offering these services, or taking that job, were just a means to an end
I would never confuse them with my purpose work.
Whereas if I would do coaching or offer online programs related to what I write about – sexuality, mindset, identity play – the boundaries between what was purpose work and what wasn’t, would get blurry.
We chatted for two hours, and she inspired me by sharing a list of decisions she made, while we were talking.
It made me go next level with my decision to stick to my guns/pen and to not have anything clogging up my business model.
Inspired by her list of business decisions, I refined mine as well:
1. Daily writing AND creating books AND business hours/selling
My ONLY job is writing and creating books.
I am an full cycle creator: I do everything from draft to final editing, and sales.
My dairies will have a cover created by my graphic designer- for my other work I ll do it myself.
2. PR/speaking gigs/creating videos
I may do speaking gigs, or create videos, but only if they feel aligned for me.
I need to feel I can really shine!!
It needs to be a lighthouse moment, and not be surrounded by heaviness, or a preconceived idea on what it needs to be.
Which brings me to:
This is so huge. It’s also the final reason why I m not going to do coaching;
A craft is something you only get better at.
Art is something that can fail.
The phase where I create a book from my blog posts is by definition after the subject is done for me.
The real art is in the process.
Years ago, I studied a theory called The White Tigress, a sexual, spiritual path for women. I wrote a lot about it, but never THE book!
Never a manual for life as a White Tigress.
Then ultimately…. I felt it slipping!
My relationship with my secret lover Mr.Big had been going steady for years, and I came to realize I didn’t like having multiple partners, the way it is advocated in The White Tigress.
I managed to squeeze out one tiny White Tigress booklet, in Dutch, but in the epilogue it already says that I will be moving on, because I ve come to realize I am not a Tigress. I am a Mistress.
The same thing is happening with my Mistress work.
I ve written about that topic for four years now, and already published my first book about being a mistress; Big, diaries and erotica.
But I never wrote THE manual!
And I don’t intend to squeeze it out last minute either. Not this time.
I will make a collection from all the pieces I wrote on sex and being a mistress, and that will be it.
And although I m interested in attending conferences on modern relationships, I want to do so without it being some kind of sales pitch for my latest book.
Whenever I am invited somewhere I need it to feel open and expanded and let new thoughts arise. 
I AM a performer! Definitely! But the trick is that the performing is in the writing. It’s in the process.
And not so much in putting on a show on stage, playing out one role, or defending one point of view.
The White Tigress and the Mistress do not really exist.
Nor can the 7-figure rock star writer ever be summoned onto the stage;
They are all simply personas I use a certain time in my life.
They’re the roles from which I write, think, find things out.
And the only way to know how I actually became the first 7-figure Dutch rock star writer, is by following this blog.
Because I will not be able to tell you afterwards.

An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living


This daily log is part of my project 7-figure rock star writer

You can follow this journey on this blog (SUBSCRIPTION BUTTON ON PAGE)
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My diaries en erotica are available at 
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I quit writing

Project M. and in particular its last chapter Like a Prayer is my final diary for an indefinite period of time. 

I ve been writing about my love life, pretty much non-stop, since 2006, the moment I became single. And although it has brought me many things – in particular the opportunity to have relationships that are way out of my league – it has now started to constrict me.
The cage of self-reflection and transparency, that I built to protect myself, has become a prison.
I need to start living, and start experiencing life, without the pen.
Or at least without diary writing/ blogging about my real life.

I m going to use this time to create my four new books

One Dutch book with columns:
Blote Kont
Verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit

One English book with columns:

One English book about Mistresshood:
The Big Mistress

And one diary 2017-2018, called Reboot.
Which will also include my last diary Project M.

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