It’s noon on a Thursday, and the past 24 hours I spent how many of them on content I ultimately did not post?
My most recent accomplishment is deleting a 20 minute video for a YouTube channel under my real name, after editing it and writing out the description in the box..
No feathers are ruffled.
Which is a very small part of me, the part that actually moves through life offering real yoga or soothing art.
And LS Harteveld?
Ooohh… LS Harteveld is definitely the largest part of me.
The raw message that comes out exactly the way it comes out, and that answers to no one.
That? I have in spades.
Until that time, LS Harteveld doesn’t have a place in this world.
This is not her world.
Her specific goal was to conquer her fears of STD’s/ STI’s/aids, and go beyond to find out what her true sexuality was.
Who was hiding under all that fear?
Not fear of death, but of being banished from society for being sexual.
It is only until recently that I realized that I had been suffering from a social phobia, and had been the victim of mental abuse, similar to pregnancy being the stick to beat Christian girls with.
I had hacked this.
Or even what their standards were.
I no longer accepted any responsibility for other people projecting their fears of being socially judged, onto me.
That is, until Corona.
I have no answer to anything, if you threaten me with being responsible for the death of the elderly and the sick.
If me leaving the house equals sick people dying, I don’t just not want to leave the house;
I don’t want to live.
Because the fear would not be over.
I would have created a situation where I would no longer have to deal with the fear, because I had created a contained environment.
I wanted more.
Give me your best shot, and show me everything you’ve got while you can, Fear, because I don’t know where you thought this was going but I am Not.Backing.Down.”
Sorry, not sorry, but No! None of those things will ever be a good enough reason to dance to the beat of what society wants me to do.
That it’s not about “staying safe”;
It’s about understanding what you are risking (pregnancy, death, stigma, social exclusion) as a result of any encounter you have.
The revenues have to outweigh the risks.
It’s not rocket science, it’s not difficult, anyone can do the math and establish for themselves what their risk assessment is.
The lives of others.
It triggers the mental abuse of the eighties and I feel the pressure of having to behave in a way that doesn’t confront you with whatever it is you are not willing to face.
“Please behave in a way that my loved ones and people with poor health are safe.”.
Just like in the fifties and the eighties, the threat of social exclusion was not based on a risk assessment with pregnancy or aids being the cons, but on “underbelly emotions” of being punished for having sex;
“Stay safe” doesn’t have anything to do with my well-being;
and very little with the well-being of other people either.
And that couldn’t be finished because the thoughts of loved ones dying or of our own mortality – stepped in and took over.
And maybe “Stay safe” also doesn’t need to be improved.
The thought process doesn’t need to be completed.
As long as the majority of people is okay with it, why bother digging deeper into your fears?
That is what “Stay safe” means to me.
“Mommy is busy and doesn’t want to be bothered with your difficult questions.”
If we are sinners for having a body than Corona is the 2020 version of the original sin.
I feel the only way out is to destroy the part of myself that is physical, sexual and free.
The part that is LS Harteveld
She wants to look fear in the eye, yell at it that it better give me its best shot now that it still can because starting tomorrow we take matters into our own hands and Not.Back.Down.
It is exactly the kind of mentality that we don’t need.
Mommy really, REALLY, cannot be bothered with people asking difficult questions, which is why I have decided my time has come.
And then you could say that me pulling her out of all this is my way of keeping her alive.
Of keeping her safe.
Because that’s the biggest lesson for me, in the eighties.
It all starts with being present.
People can’t abuse you, nor project their fears onto you, if you are not there.
The first choice, in any relationship, is whether you show up.
I have done everything within my power to save a world I do not want to live in.
New Post Added:
This post received an unofficial part 2, shortly after it was posted.
It was written on Facebook, but now that I am collecting all posts for The Covid Diaries, I ve decided to include it here.
This is what it said:
“BY CANCELLING MY ALIAS, THE TRUEST PART OF WHO I AM”
March 19, 2020
written on Facebook
“By cancelling my alias, the truest part of who I am,
leaving an empty, dutiful shell that will become a successful model citizen,
where no one will die because I wasn’t careful enough,
I have done everything within my power to save a world I do not want to live in.”
from The Last Letter of LS Harteveld
I think I will write more about LS Harteveld, how she came to life 2006, the excitement of my first website (since 2010!), and everything that happened, but not today.
For now I feel so incredibly tired, as if I have completed something big.
And I have.
The real work is just beginning.
So many things to review, and books to print.
Writing everything, channeling LS Harteveld, was only the beginning.
And after death comes life.
I believe it is time for me/Lauren, to dive head first into my performance project 1994.
Or March 1995 as it is already.
And I can’t do that living in 2020 at the same time.
Although Project 1994 has started summer 2019, the Corona crisis has finally given me a reason to mentally leave 2020, and bury myself in 1995.
You can read more about Project 1994 HERE
So we will meet again.
Either you’ll see me as curator and moderator, and publisher of LS Harteveld books.
Or you’ll one day see me publish Lauren’s secret 1995 diary, and know it started today.
Maybe after the Corona crisis Lauren will come back to whatever year it is then.
Maybe she’ll stay in the 90s and keep communicating with us through books, published never as blogposts.
But as complete diaries, books that transcend us to a different time.
For now I like to think she is a 22 year old graduate, trying to figure out life.
Because that is exactly how I feel.
the writer formerly known as
The Last Letter of LS Harteveld
is one of the earliest chapters of
The Covid Diaries
My diaries are available at LULU
New books will be added.
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