I Couldn’t Look Away For Four Entire Days | The Covid Diaries


“I Couldn’t Look Away For Four Entire Days”
July 31, 2021

I’m creating a book The Covid Diaries, from posts I ve written since March 2020.

It’s powerful stuff, but the erratic, unpredictable nature of the pandemic, has reflected in the material.
Some chapters are written as a stand-alone essay.
Some as part of an official series “the C Diaries”.
And some jotted down in a Facebook box, I think because I hoped that way I would keep them short.
Only to find out the majority of them is so long, they deserve their own post.

“I Couldn’t Look Away For Four Entire Days” is one of those posts that were originally on Facebook.

It’s not very long; I could have posted it with other diary entries.
But the one written before this was an entire essay,
2021 04 11  Emphatic* Thoughts On Why You Should Take The Vaccine
– the post you re about to read starts the day after writing that!-
that’s why I have chosen to post this separately.

If you’re lost, you can always check the project page

That is where all chapters will be posted, after I ve reviewed them.

An interesting thing, is that the “billion dollar sideshow of commercial testing” I write about here, is currently still costing a million euros a day, and it is hardly used.

Illustrated with an image of Pennywise from the movie It, this is what the post from April 17, 2021, said:


17 April 2021

I don’t even remember what my mood was Monday, but I assume it was a transition day.
A day where I realized that yes, Sunday’s meaty, passionate piece on why you might want to consider vaccination, had taken more time than I intended, and was definitely not the energy giving weekend activity ones hopes to have;
But that it had all been worth it.

That the fact that I did not do anything creative on Monday, and felt spent, was compensated by knowing I made a valuable contribution to the Covid vaccination discussion.

I really wrote something that acknowledged, and honored, basically every viewpoint on the topic of vaccination, and that came with a narrative that was acceptable if not inspiring, to all.

So Monday was kind of written off, but on Tuesday I started to slide, and for four days I have basically wasted every free hour, hour? minute!, reading my TL on Twitter, and my news feed, in absolute horror.
Every night I went to bed, making the resolution to just disconnect from all media and become in the moment, and in the real world.
There were so much better things to do than to bear witness to the pandemic and financial downfall of the country I was living in!

Because really, either the madness would not be stopped;
Madness meaning government hinting at entirely random dates to open shops and terraces, going from one vaccination cluster f to the next, pausing vaccination programs all.the.time,
setting up a billion dollar sideshow of commercial testing that will determine the fate of us all in our Brave New World to come.

Or it would be stopped.

And I knew that I, personally, was powerless to stop it.

The future of the Netherlands was no longer my business.
Even if we’d all get vaccinated, and who knows maybe the words I had written last Sunday would inspire more people to go if the invitation finally was for them;
Even then the country would go bankrupt on the billion dollar testing organisation for which a law was being built.

A law was, is, being built so that in order to access a restaurant, a cinema or other non-essential place, you would first go through testing in the commercial testing street which was largely funded by the government but still required a €7,50 fee per test;
And then if you tested negative, your result cleared you for 24-40 hours.
The time window had not been decided on.

It was for everybody, whether you had been vaccinated or not, and supposedly it was a temporary measure that only applied to times when it otherwise would not have been possible to have these facilities open to the public.
Read between lines: official, preventative testing to do normal things, is never going to leave.

Especially not because now there will be a monstrous testing organization that sucks the government dry for billions.
It will demand to be fed.
And the law will provide for its needs.

One minister can spend 1.6 billion dollars on commercial testing streets and organizing exclusive, highly dangerous, uncontrolled parties for a few thousand people, before there even is a law.

These events have been going on for days, and will be going on for the upcomings days, weeks.
It’s absolute maddening to even think about it.
Some are festivals with 10.000 people!!!!
They have been tested beforehand, but the test afterwards is voluntary;
No research or measurable results will come from these fieldlab experiments, as they are called.

Maybe it is forgivable that I spent 4 days to watch the destruction of the country I live in, but it feels like I ve been watching a horror movie, with an uncontrollable train with 18 million peoples railing into a ravine.

In last Sunday’s piece I said that it was up to you, not to make individual choices, but to stay connected with what the people around you needed from you.
Stand by your people, whatever that means for you.
And however big or small your tribe might be.

But with the absolute madness I ve seen since the vision-less press conference last Tuesday, the financial destruction of 1.6 billion and contagion mayhem of the fieldlab pilot events that are happening daily;
I have little hope something as simplistic as love and loyalty is going to save us.

I feel, that evil is among us.

An unexamined life is not worth living

I Couldn’t Look Away For Four Entire Days
is part of The Covid Diaries

You can follow The Covid Diaries coming to life
on Facebook
& Twitter: @LSHarteveld



My diaries are available at LULU
New books will be added.

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready,
is to subscribe to this blog.
Button on this page, probably on the top right.

Or follow my Facebook page
/ Twitter: @LSHarteveld

Nederlands blog:

April this year: the official reboot | The Covid Diaries

hug-guns-n39-roses-axl-rose-Favim.com-7192065INTRODUCTION TO
“April this year: the official reboot “

July 30, 2021

In April 2021, 13 months after the pandemic started, I started writing both Facebook posts as well as entire blog posts.
At that point I had written about Covid for a year, but it were these diary like entries, that set the tone for what is now becoming The Covid Diaries.
The full blogposts, were posted on this blog. But those shorter Facebook posts in between, stayed dormant. I never posted them to this blog.

Tying in the first of the two missing Facebook diary entries, to their next official blog post,
this is what it said:

tenor (33)NEW SERIES
The Covid Diaries – Countdown to free hugs

| report on the final months of social distancing
8 April 2021
post 1

Today was the FIRST time I accidentally, thoughtlessly, removed my face mask, when I was packing my groceries.
A fellow shopper reminded me to put one on, as I started to happily make my way out of the grocery store.
Which I did, but I also wondered:
What happened?
Why NOW?
Only to then immediately remember “why now”!

Because my post-Covid life has started ever since Guns N Roses has announced a 2022 concert here in the Netherlands.

And although technically I know we’re not there yet, especially in The Netherlands since our vaccination “strategy” is breaking in to a whole new level of the word cluster fuck;
Yet, at the same time I know that ultimately, we are there.
There is no way back.

The German Guns N Roses concert has already been postponed twice, which proves that planned concerts do not mean a concert will actually happen.
But just like the poor Dutch vaccination strategy is no reason for me to think the concert will be cancelled delayed, neither are these facts.
This is the one.
No turning back.

We really ARE there.

For the Netherlands this means that I think that in 1 year and 75 days, when Guns N Roses play The Netherlands, we’ll be there, breathing right next to each other. In each other’s hair.
We won’t wash our hands all day.

And everything will be as if we went straight from 2019 to 2021:
Without a trace of Covid or social distancing.
This new series will be a report of that.

170725972_4085352978153030_5544184134015770382_nWHAT I READ TO STAY HUMAN
9 April
post 2

I’m not much of a fiction reader. In fact: I would not even call myself a reader at all.
Not anymore.
The moment I started writing, I stopped reading. Something I seem to be quite alone at.
Most writers are also readers, or if they are not readers they were never readers.

But I used to be a reader, it’s just that the urge and the need to write is so much stronger.
And the urge and the need to read is weak.
I have accepted this, and from the point of “choosing ones battles wisely” I never tried to make myself read.

There are exceptions in the form of the occasional novel, which I get as a gift and then like it so much I am temporary enchanted by the idea of reading.
But those episodes are short lived.

My only reason I currently have, to read, is because my lust for life and sex is just as feeble as my urge to read books.
And with the entire society under the spell of Covid, there has been little to no inspiration from there either.
No one is setting a positive example.
Even the word positive has taken on a whole different meaning!

So that is why I have turned to reading erotica from Anais Nin.
As a remedial therapy.
Something to remind me that there is more to life than Covid.

That underneath the loneliness, and the failing Dutch Covid policies, and behind the promise of “One day things will go back to normal”;
Things will go back to normal.
And it’s our duty to keep our minds open to mystery, sexuality, and our view on the world and life broader than our travel bans permit.

While things are being sorted out, it is our job to stay alive.
Not just not die.


12 April
real blog post

I used the word emphatic thinking it meant empathetic.
But it means:
Emphatic: done or said in a strong way and without any doubt

I did not change the title.
It is indeed, emphatic.

You can read this blog post here:
Emphatic* Thoughts On Why You Should Take The Vaccine

An unexamined life is not worth living

April this year: the official reboot
is part of The Covid Diaries

You can follow The Covid Diaries coming to life
on Facebook
& Twitter: @LSHarteveld



My diaries are available at LULU
New books will be added.

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready,
is to subscribe to this blog.
Button on this page, probably on the top right.

Or follow my Facebook page
/ Twitter: @LSHarteveld

Nederlands blog:

Month 11 | The Covid Diaries

rx6gsutbpk731INTRODUCTION TO “MONTH 11”
July 25, 2021

In January 2021, 11 months after the pandemic started, I briefly wrote Facebook posts, a series I called “Creator’s Diary”.
It ended after 4 entries, and I never posted them to this blog.

But in particular because of the last entry, I can now see they are part of my Covid Diaries. 
And that the reason they stopped, was most likely because I felt that disconnect with the world again.
The feeling that I was unsure for whom I was writing, how to view the world, or my own existence. 

“Month 11”, counting in months, is something that was used in “A Quiet Place” to indicate how much time had past since the monsters appeared and took over the earth.
I gladly borrow the time signature, partially for dramatic effect, but I am grateful we’re not facing the monsters they do!

Although references to a world ruled by monsters were made.
This is what the posts said:

21 January
post 1

To support my project of writing a diary as if I m living in 1996, I m reading a book about sensible/ functional use of social media.
“Digital Minimalism” by Cal Newport

Just like other forms of minimalism, it’s about recalibrating your life so that what you spend your time AND undivided attention on, reflects your values.
Although I m definitely not a purist in implementing this book, I highly recommend reading it.
The vibe of it has already freed up so much time usually spent on social media/ email/ scrolling;
The book has created its own time to read it! 


22 January
post 2

A topic I m currently investigating, is how our minds got hacked by online media.
And how to get them back.
We are currently losing time, daily, checking our likes, reading new shiny things.
By now, it’s just not social media:
All sites have been engineered to reward staying and reading more.

Where we put our awareness and our time seldom reflects our values.
The things we really find important.
The things we would really like to spend our leisure time on.

Many of us do not even have leisure time/offline time anymore;
We are always behind on what we want to do, what we want to achieve, and when we do fun things we want to document them.
As if they do not exist unless we make it public.

Today I discussed this with a friend, and he pointed out that at the turn of the century, the youth in Finland were already communicating with each other in SMS “bubbles”.
They had a culture where they “hung out” on SMS, and then met each other in real life/ a certain place in the city.
The youth of Finland was the iGen generation (born after 1995) avant la lettre.
Before any other culture, they lived in an online community with its own rules, its own risks of being thrown out or excluded.
A culture not understood by their parents.

When I got home I investigated this culture further and it brought me to the history of texting.
It is very ironic that texting was seen as a way to communicate, to not bother other people.
A call was intrusive, especially at out of office hours.
But by texting two people could communicate with each other at different times.
“I didn’t see your message.”
“I only just read your message.”
Were perfectly viable explanations.
Aside from maybe the Finnish youth, immediate answers were never expected.
Let alone residing next to your phone, and being addicted to your notifications as we are today.

Twenty years after the avant-la-lettre iGen generation in Finland, most of us are acting as if we are in such a highly-pressured peer group as 15-25 years olds usually are.
(And always have been)
There are few fixed rules, and in order to be a part of such a group, you need to be constantly tuned in and watch group dynamics like a hawk.

In the book I m reading, Digital Minimalism, by Cal Newport, he gives a number about which percentage of the mental brain-width goes to social interactions.
I think it was somewhere along the lines of 80%
And that was not counting SMS and online culture, I think this percentage might even come straight from the chimpanzees.

I think in the upcoming decade, we’re going to see an enormous shift in our presence on internet.
That just like with smoking that went from something everybody did everywhere, and was marginalized, using your smartphone will no longer be normal, but become functional again.
And this will happen within a decade.

I found many studies about the negative effect of online culture, both in Finland as well as globally namely on generation iGen (born after 1995)
But although a youth that was (in my opinion) unprepared and not properly guided in the exposure their phones would cause, is no doubt the saddest of all effects;
I think we only have to look at our own lives, and if we’re born before 1985 we very well remember it without technology;
If we look at that, we can see what we’ve lost.

And maybe it is our responsibility to do our part, and bring offline culture back.
So that at least the youth has a choice, where they want to live.


23 January
post 3

A few minutes ago, the Netherlands got their first Covid curfew, which will last two weeks minimum.
I ve just deleted an entire paragraph about how long I think this is going to take.
Or why Covid has been very unfair to everybody under 25.
And just like climate change, no more houses being available and phone and media addictions that are altering their brains and creating anxiety, we were unable to stop it from happening.
We have not protected our youngest generation the way I think we all wished we had, or maybe a better way of saying it is that we are not giving them the world we wanted them to have.

The following is not addressed to those under 25, but those older and in particular those born before 1985:
Being addicted to refreshing your newsfeed, checking your mail, your likes and so on, is addictive behavior that means you do not FEEL what reality is.
It’s like the movie Ready Player One where the reality is so bad, people are in the virtual reality, The Oasis, as much as they can
Even at the end of the movie, when the government becomes more humane, they close the Oasis for one day a week.
But they keep using it as an escape for 6.

In in another movie The Matrix, something similar happens when the human bodies are used as batteries, and their minds are entertained in The Matrix.
If in this virtual reality The Matrix, you meet someone from the resistance you can choose between The Red Pill, which will awaken you, or The Blue Pill, which will leave you in your state of blissful ignorance.
Few want the red pill.
Many choose ignorance.

I feel that because my generation and the ones before have failed to create a sustainable future, a sustainable now, AND we have raised an entire generation addicted to The Oasis, asleep in the Matrix,
the least we should be able to do, is to be present and aware in the world we created.
Offline and online.


24 January     
final diary entry

Last night Covid curfew started in The Netherlands, and it was dead quiet.
I was in bed at least an hour earlier than usual, and it was after having this eerie desolate feeling for hours already.
As if, especially for a Saturday night, something was very very wrong.

And most will agree it was:
Whether you’re mourning the Covid tragedy or the loss of freedom, I think few will disagree that in a country with a curfew something is seriously wrong.

Going to bed in a silence that could have meant I was the only living creature within miles, I wondered;
“How many people will love this silence so much, this measure wins by popular demand? ”
And when I woke up, as if I had spent money on a holiday in the mountains that serene, that sensation was even stronger.
We have to be weary to not get used to this.

It was dark.
Since the sun doesn’t get up before 8.15 or something that didn’t mean much so I checked and to my surprise it was already 7.30.
If the clock had said 4 I would have believed it, because it was so quiet.

I went about my day.
At 10 AM I had to leave, and by this time, it was still so quiet I got an I Am Legend like feeling.
From the movie where Will Smith plays the only survivor, in a world taken over by zombies and wildlife.
Since I had not checked any news, could I even be SURE the rest of the world had not been (quietly) eaten by zombies?
So I checked.

According to our news sites, the world was not overtaken by zombies.
The silence really was the silence of curfew and a country that didn’t have a good reason to get out of bed.

Today there were Covid protests, and they got out of hand.
For the first time since, I don’t know, the eighties? , there were/are riots, clashes with the police, property destroyed.

Turns out what I was hearing last night was the quiet before the storm.

An unexamined life is not worth living

Month 11
is part of The Covid Diaries

You can follow The Covid Diaries coming to life
on Facebook
& Twitter: @LSHarteveld



My diaries are available at LULU
New books will be added.

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready,
is to subscribe to this blog.
Button on this page, probably on the top right.

Or follow my Facebook page
/ Twitter: @LSHarteveld

Nederlands blog:

It’s Chapter 2 | introduction | The Covid Diaries

tenor (35)I read Everybody started a diary during Covid.
And Everybody thought they were very original, and that it was so unoriginal that in fact you were more original when you did not have a blog or a journal or a book documenting your life during the pandemic.

So suffice to say that I’m aware that I have to win you over on this one, and why mine is worth reading.

Firstly, and I m writing this July 22 2021; my Covid Diaries are a bona fide mess.
Just like the way the pandemic has been managed in many countries and in the Netherlands for sure, the pandemic on this blog has been managed without a clear ending point in mind.
Without a clear vision of where it is, that I am heading.

But, unlike the pandemic, it is a rounded story. It’s done.
Just that I have to dive into this blog and collect the stories that were written, and line them up for you.

I will blog/ post new additions, and ultimately everything can be found on the project page, in their neat and chronological order.

However, the most unique selling point I have to offer you is not the flying by the seat of my pants like fashion in which these diaries have come into being the past 16 months, but the unique perspective they’re written from.

Because I would know few, if any, diary writers, who would have the let’s call it the “horrific” baggage as I do, to watch the pandemic through a lens that may have been a tragedy on a personal level,
but that is of course artistic gold.

I started this alterego LS Harteveld in 2006, and wrote many erotic stories, which brought me inside the community of people who wrote them.
What struck me was that although many could have blamed me for being archaic in my writing and my stories of lacking contemporary value because they were leaning on the style of Anais Nin’s early 20th century erotica;
I liked them that way.

If I read erotic stories that are set in this time, I pretty much choke immediately, and not in a good way, on words like texting, dating sites, Tinder if I d read stories the past few years which I haven’t.
And I m also thoroughly unhappy with contemporary writing styles.

*exclamation mark*

I ADORE (those capitals were intentionally) contemporary writing styles and my work exists predominantly on and through social media, but for erotica?
Mother of God, can we please keep it civil?
Leave the cell phones out?
Not mention leather or latex, but dress in white linen shirts that gently caress our skin? 

I thought modern day erotica was a far cry from Anais Nin’s work, and that the craft had actually deteriorated.
If you’re Dutch you can buy my Dutch erotica book here, and see for yourself.
Or browse the bookshop incl English books

And that comparison between my erotica and what I found was mainstream erotica, is about the same expectations I have for the ample Covid Diaries not written by me.

They will all be very relatable, and about face masks, hospital tragedies, the consequences for families and individuals.
They will be about the struggles between groups who are pro and those who are against vaccination, the Covid measures, and there will be analysis of Covid from economic, sociological, psychological and political perspective.

But will there be anyone who writes about the Steven King worthy Evil?
A force like the entity from It, whose physical form was a simple clown, but who drew out the most malignant side of every adult living in Derry, Main.

Will Everybody’s Covid diary acknowledge that just like in the town of Derry, Main, the missing children were  just a sign of a deeply festered evil?
That Covid has shown us the It of our times?

Because it has.

Covid has tapped straight into the previous pandemic of aids in the 80s, which was the era of the novel It, released in 1986.
A raging, distorted fear of aids, raising a generation of coming-of-age gay boys but also heterosexual teens, to whom sex would always be tied to sickness, death, and social exclusion.

The book It (1986) as well as the movie It (2017), both use this paralyzing and toxic fear of aids.

“It’s” (the movie, LH) open-faced engagement with adolescent fear
provides a perfect setting for reminding audiences
of the lived experiences of those coming of age during an epidemic.

AIDS, It, and the Horror of the 1980s by Aaron Lecklider 

The consequences for “Those coming of age during an epidemic”
were indeed dramatic.
As they will be for the ones growing up now.

So if you want to know how the Covid pandemic looked for someone who has lived through that experience of coming to age in the Derry, Main era of the 80s?

Where adults and government organisations were poisoned by something, that only appeared on the surface to be a deadly disease, only appeared to be a clown who abducted kids.
But that in fact was Evil itself.

If you want to know how the Covid pandemic has been for us?
Those children of the 80s who see it happening all over again?
Then this is my story.

An unexamined life is not worth living

It’s Chapter 2
is the introduction of The Covid Diaries

You can follow The Covid Diaries coming to life
on Facebook
& Twitter: @LSHarteveld



My diaries are available at LULU
New books will be added.

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready,
is to subscribe to this blog.
Button on this page, probably on the top right.

Or follow my Facebook page
/ Twitter: @LSHarteveld

Nederlands blog:

My first response to a Covid vaccination is to destroy all my work


Before I begin let me get one thing straight:
I am pro vaccinations.
Just like with anesthetics my response to vaccination is a confident:
“Give me everything you’ve got!”
Although living exclusively in the Netherlands for over 20 years that has been restricted to Hepatitis  (2 shots) and Tetanus.
Vaccinations which were in all likeliness given under the skin, and vaccinations which were indeed:
*dramatic silence*

Rusty staplers

Being stabbed in the upper arm with a potato peeler

I could setup equally sarcastic remarks for the location I received my Covid vaccination (a tent internationally referred to as “UN-like style”, setup on the country side between live stock);
The cue routing (a zigzag of textile rope that I expect could be electrified when called for);
And the effect of having to be without your face mask for 15 minutes, sitting on a chair with dozens of people, in a tent. After 15 months of being drenched in the dangers of aerosols and how it, I don’t know, kind of mattered that you tried your best to not get Covid!

Call me stupid but I thought being with dozens of people in a tent was the kind of situation where for the past 15 months, you were strongly advised to self-quarantine yourself for ten days.
Not a government funded MANDATORY bonus chance to get infected with Covid on your way out after vaccination.

But less is more!
Even if all those secondary things had unexpectedly been to my liking, I would probably have been disappointed in my ability to be even remotely okay with this vaccination.

Now to again simplify the different responsibilities and what-the-fuck-went-wrongs here, I would like focus on  one thing. 
False expectations.

Because in the Netherlands, as soon as testing for Covid started, reports on people experiencing pain when they got tested came out. Phrases like “horrible”, “never again”, and even people with a high tolerance for pain said they found it disturbing.
So the fact that after vaccination, everybody’s heart was overflowing with joy and gratitude for their vaccination, could therefor in my opinion only mean it was less painful and less intrusive than their test.

And the information from the government too, was tailored to screening for physical contra-indications for the Covid shot.
As far as mental conditions went, it asked if you ever fainted during vaccination.

Which was of course, “No”.
But in hindsight this could have been because those vaccinations had indeed been pinpricks and had not been given in the apocalyptic setting of a red cross war zone tent. I could just see the imaginary trenches, and one pony in front of the tent was constantly on his side and had visible difficulty getting up.
But war is equally hard, on humans and animals alike!

So the questionnaire in no way suggested that you would suffer any psychological damage,
nor that there were any mental health issues to take into account before setting foot on the set of Contagion.

Then why do I want to destroy all my work?
All my social media accounts (I work under two names, and two languages), websites, YouTube channels?
Why do I want to die, and because I know that is self-destructive and people will feel the need to save me and help me;
Why do I feel so blessed that I am an artist, and that I can just destroy my work and no one will be able to stop me because blogging is without value and cannot count as self-destruction?

Why is there not in the brochure that five weeks from now after the second vaccination I have an over 50% chance (from what I ve seen abroad where younger people have received their second) of ending in bed for days with a high fever?
And how that fucks with your mind, when no one discusses this with you if IT IS NOT IN THE BROCHURE?

That five weeks from now you should stock up on yoghurt drinks and biscuit and food for your cats because it has a 50% chance of being your worst flu in over a decade?

How come no one seems to suffer from this nauseous feeling of having been injected with something experimental?
And that you need to block/ close yourself off from the idea that you now have an experimental vaccine in your body where no one knows how it will prove to be linked to the fate of humanity in the future, or even how it will prove to be linked to your own individual fate?

How do you deal with that insecurity of being part of a vaccination program we know very little about and how in the flying fuck does that round off to:
“Have you ever fainted during a vaccination?”

When you feel like you’ve ended up in the bee hive finale of the X Files?

Why would anyone faint DURING vaccination when you have the entire rest of your life to worry about what you put in your body?

I think part of me, taking this so personal and no longer wanting to live, which in my case means I can suffice with destroying my work because if I no longer live creatively I am already dead;
Part of that is because if no one is experiencing this, it means my point of view is ultimately not valid.

If everyone is happy and in full gratitude over how amazing it is that science saved us, and we made it through this pandemic together;
Then why on earth would I ruin everybody’s party by admitting that I don’t have the feeling I’m ever going to get over the fact that I feel so violated in everything that makes me, me;
That I see no point at all of carrying on.
No point of speaking.
No point in being.

It was a bit like when the nurse asked if I wanted to stay seated for a bit longer, and I looked at her and I m pretty sure I rolled my eyes when I said:
“Wrap it up, it no longer matters.”

As if staying in the chair would make any difference now.

As if anything, would ever, make a difference now.

An unexamined life is not worth living

My first response to a Covid vaccination is to destroy all my work
is part of The Covid Diaries

You can follow The Covid Diaries coming to life
on Facebook
& Twitter: @LSHarteveld



My diaries are available at LULU
New books will be added.

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready,
is to subscribe to this blog.
Button on this page, probably on the top right.

Or follow my Facebook page
/ Twitter: @LSHarteveld

Nederlands blog:


Emphatic* Thoughts On Why You Should Take The Vaccine

tenor (34)Let’s first acknowledge that I’m not writing this for those who believe in the science backing up that mRNA Covid19 vaccination is a good thing.
The people who are choosing based on numbers and science, do not need convincing.
And even more so today, when information leaked from China, that their traditional method of extracting a vaccine has supposedly led to a (traditional) vaccine that is less effective.

I am also not writing this for the ones who identify with a certain religion, a certain spiritual lineage or leader, or who deeply align with certain principles, such as freedom of choice or a desire to keep things close to how mother nature intended them.
They will not need extra information or input on their decision.

They have their faith to guide them.
And we should respect that because ultimately, no one knows the answer for certain.

What I will say, and I may risk getting my message removed from the socials, so I will speak about this in the most careful terms, is that from the perspective of risk spreading I m actually surprised all governments seem to be aiming at vaccinating as many people as possible.
Where I think keeping part of your population non-vaccinated is always a good idea, and although you cannot and should not withhold vaccines: If part of your population does not want it, I think that comes up with a perfect mix of 10-20% staying unprotected.

It’s like with those bananas you can get in the supermarket since the 50’s: They’re all Cavendish bananas, they’re “clones”, infertile, and were selected because they were resistant to the Panama disease that wiped out their predecessor Gros Michel.

But in 2008 the race 4 mutation of the same Panama disease started affecting Cavendish, and to this day no one knows what bananas we’ll be eating in the future.
Gen-mo bananas (which might be resistant to Panama race 4) are not allowed to be shipped worldwide.

All trade and research and development has been focused on planting and trading one sterile, cloned banana, for 70 years.

Whereas if they had kept 20% of production Gros Michel – which was also the best tasting banana!-
or if they had immediately started developing new seedless banana types, for some variety, chances to beat Panama race 4, would have been much better.

So I think that it should never be the aim to get everybody vaccinated, if 70 years from now you want to be prepared for your version of the Panama race 4 mutation.
Don’t put all your eggs in the same basket.

There are stories about the black plague wiping out entire villages, but the people who survived, have brought forth offspring with DNA that protects them to hiv/AIDS.
Here’s an article/research that states 10% of Europeans being hiv resistant because of it:

So translating to today’s standards, where not wanting to be vaccinated is a personal choice and you will, or should, be able to get vaccinated;
Never underestimate the tremendous value of people who don’t and are willing to risk getting sick.
It might prove to be extremely valuable one day.

But I m getting sidetracked, because this post is really not about to vaccinate or not to vaccinate from a medical or scientific perspective!
It is about why you may consider doing it from a social perspective.

I feel all discussion has polarized to:
People who see their health as something personal, are against vaccination.
And people who feel a collective HEALTH responsibility are pro.

I think the space to have more people choose vaccination, appears when we step away from the medical model of:
vaccination = immunity = protecting people

The anger people who are pro-vaccination feel towards people who are not, exists because they’re using very limited reasoning.
There is a certain laziness in their plea… as much as I hate to use this word:
Assuming everybody will get vaccinated because it’s the “good” thing to do,
“because” you protect other people?
There is a certain entitlement in that…..

A certain:
“I m not sharing my real fear and vulnerability. I m not asking you to put yourself on the line for me so I can sleep sound.
I want you to do it because it’s RIGHT!”

Well I don’t know about you, but I get extreme allergic reactions to assumptions made on me doing something because
I have to
because it is right
because it is a sign I am a good person
because it gives me the right to even exist
Or whatever!

I immediately throw myself in antagonist mode, because I WILL SHOW AND I WILL PROVE!
That I bow to no one.

That no one can make me do ANYTHING!

That I will rather DIE, than comply with your wishes.
Because I feel that if I start doing this for you?
It will never end.

First it’s social distance.
Then it’s test and trace.
Then it’s vaccinate
And 70 years from now you will still be ringing my doorbell with new things you want from me.

I know how totally annoying it is when you (and me) are expected to just roll over and comply.
Rebelling against that is as appealing to me as it is to you.
And probably even more to me.

But what I am offering is this:
What if we forgive people for not asking nicely?

What if we forgive people for not knowing how to ask, in an honest, disarming way:
“Covid really scares me. And it would make me feel so much better if you were vaccinated,
because then I don’t have to worry.
Will you do that for me?”

What if we made vaccination not something we do to physically protect each other,
but to mentally protect each other?
Vaccination as a sign of courtesy that you understand the fear, and that you are happy to take the vaccine,
including running any risks. That it is not your or my job to fully understand what is best for us INDIVIDUALLY;
Because unless you re prepared to be the sole survivor of this pandemic, by making the right choice every step of the way, you have chosen to be part of society.

Behaving in a way most people need to be comfortable around you,
is the price of living in a community.
Just like we don’t run around naked, but cover up and wear clothes instead.
Being naked is much healthier but we accept that wearing clothes is a price for being part of society.

And you could even take it one step further;
What if people looked up to you?
What if your position in society means that people are influenced by how you think about it,
by the choice you make?

How do you think Jesus, or Buddha, or contemporary spiritual leaders, or world leaders,
view the vaccine or would have viewed the vaccine?
Do you think these people would have made their choice based on what THEIR body needed?
I think not.

I think they would say what Aragorn says, when Legolas the Elf points out the dangers of the approaching armies at Helm’s Deep.
And how the warriors of Helm’s Deep are either too young, or too old. Their armor poor.
Legolas predicts, speaking in Elvish, that the people of Helm’s Deep will die in battle.
And then Aragorn, their future king, says to Legolas in common speech:
“Then I shall die as one of them.”

It is not up to you to avoid death.
Nor to avoid battle.
It is not up to you to judge the armor, or the condition of the warriors.

It is up to you to take your place in battle.
Side by side, with your people.

It is up to you, who shall be made King.


An unexamined life is not worth living

[*] Probably because I am not a native English speaker, I used the word emphatic (thoughts) , when it should have been “empathetic”.
Emphatic:  done or said in a strong way and without any doubt
Empathetic: having the ability to imagine how someone else feels
But since this piece came out so outspoken, and with great clarity, I did not change the title when I discovered my mistake.
It is indeed, emphatic.

Emphatic* Thoughts On Why You Should Take The Vaccine
is one of the 2021 chapters of 
The Covid Diaries

You can follow the (re-)creation of The Covid Diaries [summer 2021]
on Facebook
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I’m healed, good to go, pret-a-porter and definitely done (final episode) | The C Diaries episode 5

This is the final episode of my series about my Covid induced celibacy.

On one day I received:

– a very sexy and empowering photo from the only female friend I have who is as sexual as I am.

– a message from my former lover
Sex or no sex, active status or not;
At this point I consider him the patron saint of my sexuality.

Speaking of saints;

– an email from The Saint
Today’s message brought out an avalanche of sexual ambitions that made me realize that although I did not have sex yet, I am fully healed of all fears and phobias.
I m not just good to go, I better start moving because I have so much I want to do!

I started this series when I noticed Covid brought out dormant social phobias. Just like with Aids in the 80s, my anxiety appeared to be around catching Covid, and triggered by not being able to handle the risks of sex.
But in reality it were always social phobias.

I was afraid of the social consequences of becoming hiv positive.
And in 2020 I became afraid of the social consequences of testing positive for Covid or of being deemed irresponsible.

What I picked up as a teen, and what I ve picked up in 2020 as well, is that there is a lot of unresolved tension around sex, and around other topics that society is just way too eager to piggyback onto some contagious disease.
The disease, and conversations and regulations on how to prevent it, becomes this HUGE metaphor, that provides an umbrella to take shelter from the real topics that none of us want to address.

Just like when Aids became a way to keep teens from exploring sex;
Covid too is taking the fall for a lot of things that have been falling apart for years.
Like our stripped healthcare system, making The Netherlands dependent on Germany for ICU beds and Covid test capacity.

Although both Aids and Covid are real threats, they are almost impossible to have healthy, transparent conversations about, because of other fears, other judgements; Because of conflicts of interest, reluctance to invest, ruthless budget cuts, and so on. 

So that was largely the starting point for these C diaries;
That I had a social phobia, and not a phobia related to hypochondria.

And I’m sure I ve also mentioned, and if not then now is the time, that the reason I had fallen prey to this Covid induced social phobia, was because I felt people had become shameless in projecting their fears onto other people.
It was basically about a demand from others:

“Give me a safe feeling.”

There’s few things I do so reluctantly, as giving people a safe feeling. 
I never do it without making a mental note to minimize contact, and will remove that person from my life if I can.
Feeling safe is your job, not mine.

So that is what I can remember from how I started this series.

But the main breakthrough came when I started thinking in terms of eroticism. More than sex, I need space where everything and anything can happen.
It’s the reason I resist monogamous relationships.
It’s the reason I will never have “a sex date”.
I need possibilities, options, tension, a field where we can play.

The erotic space, as a space where anything can happen, has explained for me, why my sexuality fell flat on its face when Covid came and I tried to connect with the rest of society over the dangers, and over how to now do life and so on.

My erotic space evaporated, and my libido with it.

Since I know that I have been able to restore and protect my erotic space, I’m healed.
It’s over.
I can now have sex with Covid present, just like I can have sex and manage the risk of hiv.

And the three messages I got today, from my three friends, brought out the first glimpses of all that is yet to come. Of all the things I have not experienced yet, and that I want to.
From being fearful and paralyzed, I feel life has now become this giant erotic space, filled with the three questions my lover once asked me:
“What do you really want?
Or are you afraid to ask?
Afraid you’re too horny?”

I know what I really want.
I am not afraid to ask.
And there is no such thing as too horny.

An unexamined life is not worth living

So a new era has started.
New sexual adventures will be most likely be shared, although there can be time delay because I always need to keep it for myself for a while.
And sometimes the time is not right.

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Out With The Sex. In With The Erotica | The C Diaries episode 4

This is my series about my Covid induced celibacy.
I m close to ending my celibacy at a practical level, but also, and more importantly, to discovering why I was struck by Covid and Aids induced phobias which affected my sex-life.

And how to fix it.

If I had one message, then what would it be? 
I often ask myself that question, because I have so many outlets and art forms.
LS Harteveld is a large part of it, but this is a pen name account.

I ve started calling it my workshop, a place where I shape my thoughts, much rather than sharing one message or outcome.

From writing in my LS Harteveld workshop for 14 years, has one message surfaced?
And I believe it has.

But I have come to understand that this message is first of all not as generic as I thought it was. It is a one size but it doesn’t fit all.

And secondly, that I got the message, not so much wrong or backwards, but that I had been using the wrong vocabulary and therefor it was constantly getting me in trouble because I was communicating something that it wasn’t.

The message that has been mine since I broke up my longterm relationship in 2006, and started writing, is an unaltered one:
Sex is important.
And you cannot mess with it, contain it, restrain it, deny it, or even chain it into what we call monogamy, without doing serious damage to it.
That second sentence was not part of the original thought, but it quickly became the appendix when I found how damaging 14 years of monogamy and 14 years of being part of two-some had been.
I was so unsuccessful when I started allowing new men in my life, that it took a whole year before my first kiss.
And I had never heard anybody speak about how monogamy brings you to sleep, in hibernation, and keeps you from developing yourself.

Just like you are eating on your own capital, when you don’t have an income, you start eating on your own erotic capital when you become monogamous.
You can start off as two healthy adults, and even create mutual erotic capital in the first months or years of being together (which makes it even harder to recognize what’s going on when it goes downhill later on);
And years later you are sexually deprived, erotically poor, and robbed of all confidence that was yours when you started.

No one had ever talked about it like that.
No one had ever warned me what the cost of monogamy, even the accidental you could almost say “natural” monogamy we had, would be once you come out of it and find your sexuality to be in a deplorable state.

So that is when the second sentence, about the costs of monogamy, was added to the first more inquisitive quest I set myself on, on wanting to find out who I was sexually, without my partner.
But because of those costs, discovering what I wanted sexually, and who I was, which originally had been my idea of what I would be doing when I was single, became Step 2.
I could not begin there.
First, I needed to setup the entire operation at ground level, much like when I was an early teen and started to fall in love with boys.
THAT’S why I lost an entire year before I got my first kiss.

If you had asked me then what my number one message was, it would have been that whatever you do, don’t become monogamous, because it eats away and destroys everything you hold dear about yourself.
And basically that’s still what I would tell you today.

So when I bypass the relationship aspect, the bigger theme, my real message is and always has been;
-> make sex the guiding principle of your life <-

Use it to indicate how well you are doing.
Use it to develop yourself.
Use it to heal yourself.
To heal another.
Use it to connect.
To identify yourself.
To comfort yourself and to comfort another.
To excite yourself, to excite another.

Use it for intrigue and mischief.
For betrayal and reconciliation.
For understanding and to make not understanding each other more palpable.

Use it to live with that which cannot be changed.

And when I say use I mean:

The formula being:
{ positive verb } + sex = a good thing

And yet I kept NOT getting my message across, and was constantly entangled in movements and lineages that had looked like my thing, but that were not my thing.

I followed teachers and therapists who appeared to have been knowing on this big fallout monogamy causes.
Only to then realize they were coming at it from an entirely different angle, and ended up with conclusions I did not support.

And I have been studying Tantric sex for couples (which is not what I believe is the real Tantric sex at all, but like all couples I looked at what we call Tantra for help) as early as the 90s.
Only to realize that I would probably not want to have Tantric sex even if it was with the movie star man of my dreams with whom I was granted a night of Tantric sex.
That even with new, exciting men I was in love with and everything was new, I would not be able to “get it up” for Tantric sex.

And problems started to arise on the other end as well.
I wrote erotic stories, but didn’t feel a connection to most of the people who read it, and they did feel a connection to me!
They had felt like I had taken them to bed, and all I wanted to scream was:
“I m pretty sure I didn’t!” 

I was asked to write an erotic story for a site that promoted long healthy sexual relationships for couples, only to then have my story banned when I had finally been able to frame having sex with your real partner in a way that was erotic.

I was asked to pose nude or in lingerie multiple times, because I would be portrayed as a writer of erotica.
To this day I don’t understand why a writer of erotica would be more willing to take her clothes off.

The confrontation with the world about my core message became so uncomfortable, not because I got push-back or angry people, but because I could not express myself in a way that reached the right people.
And looking back I think I abandoned my message.
I gave up.

I renamed this account a workshop, and starting January 1st, I m going all in under my real name.
With a message that is packaged in a way that most people will NOT be able to relate to.
And it is the most deliberate choice I ve ever made.

My message is wrapped in three layers of Bon Jovi, and no one but the die-est hardest of fans is going to find it there.

So what happened?
What is the reason, that after 14 years I only feel comfortable sharing my message either anonymously, under a penname and barely showing my face?
Or share it using the cover of a double-neck electric guitar.

The answer came this week when I realized what I had been struggling with, was the difference between erotica and sex.
For instance: Where I had thought the problem with monogamy was that it kept sex between two people, my real problem had been that it kept eroticism between two people.
And because eroticism (I think by default!) DIES between two people, the sex in longterm relationship becomes a shadow of what it once was.
The two people die their erotic deaths.

When I complained about your sex-life needing startup time after a longterm relationship, what I had actually meant was your erotic identity requiring to be brought back to life.

When I wrote the entire list of how to use sex, or the formula
{ positive verb } + sex = a good thing
The word sex should have spelled eroticism.

And even this series, the C. Diaries, about my Covid induced celibacy;
What died from Covid was not sex; it was eroticism.
And without eroticism, I can’t have sex.

That also explains why most other people CAN have sex during Covid;
Either their eroticism has not died, or they do not need, or no longer need, eroticism to have sex.
When your eroticism has died before Covid, Covid will not bring a fundamental change to your sex life.
And when your eroticism can stay alive, or perhaps even thrive, in times of Covid, your sex-life can be absolutely great.

So before I share what I know so far on how to restore my sexuality, in Covid times and all other times to come; 
I want to explain the key to eroticism, and why it dies when you throw Covid regulations at it.

That is because eroticism is a space where an alternate reality is created.
An alternate reality about who you are, who the other is, who you are together. 

Eroticism is something that exists in a plane that is unbothered by facts, and rich in mysticism, the forbidden and the hidden. 

Because the Covid pandemic is battled from the perspective of mechanistic, scientific thinking, a cure A will lead to result B kind of approach, something I will explain in a minute why that is true, but not for the reasons you think – 
the culture around fighting Covid is the opposite of the erotic plane.
And the mysticism, the forbidden and the hidden that is of course omnipresent especially in a culture battling Covid is deemed so threatening, that it is simply denied.
That taking part in the mysticism, the forbidden and the hidden, and even looking for the boundaries to where your individual freedom can be pushed, is demonized and frowned upon.

Why the mechanistic structure of Cure A or Plan B will lead to outcome C, DOES work, but for different reasons than you think:
When in 2008 the banks fell, and people who worked at the banks knew about the financial system being broken, a lot of people argued that the public should be informed earlier when things like this happened.
The public should know there is no solid basis to their financial system, and how fragile it is.
This awareness would have been fatal.
If in October 2008 the general public had known what the bankers knew who fled to safety buying guns because they thought a civil war was upon us;
A civil war WOULD have come upon us.
The only reason it didn’t is because the population, world wide, BELIEVED in the financial system.

Same with Covid regulations and their cure and the future of how this will unfold: It will go according to the road, the path, that most people BELIEVE to be the best. 
And that the rest of us find acceptable enough not to riot.
And that is exactly how it should be.
Because it is not about what is right or wrong, you must go the path that is supported by the majority of people.
If the majority gets a sense of safety from a certain set of regulations; It’s a Go.

And now we have come full circle.
Now it is clear why my message will never be for the majority, why eroticism will always be under threat, why my sex-life has suffered in the 80s during the aids era and why it is suffering now in the Covid era:
Because the majority needs a sense of safety, a sense that things are under control. Affirmed by practical actions they can do themselves.
We all know that condoms are not a 100% safe.
And we definitely know face masks are not a 100% safe.

The story that a simple behavioral adaptation can contain the threat of Covid,  aids, or the threat for being left by your partner and ending up alone,
is one that gives the majority of the population a sense of reassurance which is the glue that holds society together.

Eroticism is at the entire other end of the spectrum.
Where insecurities are played out, toyed with, teased with.
To create an erotic environment within Covid, you would have to accept our times like war times, when seeing your lover is dangerous.
Something that could get you killed, your loved ones too, something that is an act of rebellion and freedom, when everybody around you is in a state of panic, a constant numbing fear that is only just contained by regulations that provide a veneer of safety as long as we all comply.
You have to feel, and really soak in all that social pressure of cornering you until you behave like the majority of the people want you to.

And then meet your lover instead.
In secret.

That is eroticism.

An unexamined life is not worth living

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My Aids phobia origin story. Explained with Star Wars and Covid | The C Diaries episode 3

warning this post contains references to mental abuse,
spoilers for Star Wars, and may be triggering in many other by me unforeseen ways

This is my series about my Covid induced celibacy.
Although I am not celibate because my aids phobia returned, but because the social dynamics around Covid are similar;
This time does bring back memories of that time.
And we must realize the current generation of teens is having an extremely rough start of their sex lives.
Comparable to the 80s, or even worse.

click on photo for source & “review” of how passable this poster was

They say anyone discussing Star Wars always ends up talking about episode 8, The Last Jedi. This movie revealed the difference in how the original Star Wars fans had interpreted Episode 7, which was as a good continuation of their beloved trilogies The Originals and The Prequels;
And the story the new fan base, one of them being me, had seen Episode 7, which was a love story.
In the two year slipstream after “7” the two groups collided on forums and social media, and then “8” came out.
It favored the new group.
And triggered something that could easily pass as a two year war.
Until “9” came, and the victory went to the first group.

According to the new fans, the second group, this sequel trilogy, as far as 7 and 8 went, was a love story between the good (Rey, the girl from Jakku, who had darkness at her core), and the bad, the dark side warrior Kylo Ren who was at his core good.
Together they would bring balance to The Force.
Until “9” came, and Kylo Ren ended up dead and Rey in the desert eating sand. Exactly the way she started.

It might be tempting to some, to immediately say I and all the other “Reylos” as we called ourselves, were right and “they” were wrong. 
But that would surpass the fact that in reality, the majority – in power, not in numbers – always wins.
And that evil is surprisingly mundane.

Just as it turned out to be surprisingly easy for Lucas Film to turn its back on the entire new fan base the franchise had gotten.
Episode 9, the closing episode of the sequel, was a lifeless movie that seemed a last minute cut and paste hackjob where the ending doesn’t even hold original material but is photoshopped together with main character being wiped out.
Much of the audio, changed script, were last minute audio recordings, hastily added. There are no memorable quotes in “9”.

Even Kylo’s line from the trailer, a broody “But I do”, in response to Rey saying no one knew her, was cut from the final movie. 

That’s how easy it was to make my aids phobia happen.
It was a last minute cut and paste, to give the people who mattered a better feeling about it.

And just like the new Star Wars fans were accused of “seeing things that weren’t there” and “overreacting” (more about that in a minute);
That’s how my phobia, to this day, is usually met.
I m exaggerating and besides: Why don’t I just get an aids test, and then I know I don’t have it, and we can all move on?

One of the many “proofs” that the fairy tale ending was never meant to be, is a story about one of the smaller parts in “7”;
The actor who played it has gone on record saying that Rey was always meant to be a Skywalker, and therefor she could never become lovers with Kylo because he was family.
Hence this actor had delivered the proof the fairy tale story line was never going to happen.
Just like an aids test is not going to change the narrative of an aids phobia, is an actor, an idea, or even written proof that at one time of filming the premises was that Rey was a Skywalker, going to change the narrative of 7 and 8.

But that’s not the way the fans of The Originals and The Sequels see it.
New Star Wars fandom had drawn conclusions based on the fairy tale like “7”, which had never been there.
It was simply not true.
And fortunately after initially “8”, The Last Jedi, being on the team of these new fans, 9 corrected it.
And after 9?
Well, they were simply overreacting to their cookie being taken. A cookie which clearly did not belong to them because it belonged to the fans from the original and prequel trilogy.

It wasn’t until this week, that I put the pieces together, and realized why this is.
Because any new information that does not support our own, internalized reality,  and choices we made in the past, causes high levels of stress.
This is called cognitive dissonance. *
[ * follow the work of @jax_bayne ]

It is clearly much easier to accuse the other party of not seeing reality clearly.

And it becomes even more easy when the majority can accuse the minority simply of having misinterpreted reality.

People with a sense of belonging in this world (which definitely excludes autistic, highly gifted Reylos with an aids phobia) have beliefs and convictions that are not meant to be a reflection of the real world;
They are a convenient interpretation of the world (including ignoring injustice).
This ensures their own survival and allows them to achieve or acquire things like love, status, money.

A psychologist would be able to tell you more, but my estimate is that the people who do not automatically adjust their inner-story and convictions to that of the majority or the culture they live in, would fall into three categories:
1. the vulnerable ones
These are the ones who cannot hide their convictions, nor understand why the convictions of others are so vastly different.
2. the idealist ones
These are the ones who think the reason other people do not understand them is lack of the correct information.
Instead of an opposing interest.
3. the winners
These are the ones who have perfect understanding why people adopt convictions that are not based on reality, and can therefor easily ignore it or even apply the mechanisms to push their own agenda (manipulation).

I have never considered myself an idealist, but 2020 has definitely been the year where I have made it my personal goal to get from 1 to 3.
To fully accept that people have a right to believe whatever it is they want, or what makes them feel loved and accepted and helps them get ahead.
And that this means that the rest of us have to be very firm on our boundaries and our rights.
Because they sure as hell are not going to do it for us.

The minorities will always lose, just like the Reylos lost, unless you uplevel yourself the fuck up from a “1” or a “2” into a glorifying “3” who will gaslight them back with a vengeance.
Because unless you do that, in all likeliness, 2020 is not going to be your year.
The Star Wars sequel trilogy has not been satisfying.
And you would have been crushed by the aids education of the 80s.

But once you make your peace that aids education, Star Wars and Covid regulations were never meant for you?
Once you understand you were never invited to the party, and that the only thing asked of you is that you do not disturb it?
It becomes a lot easier to bypass the urge to have a conversation about it.
For example.
If you have been suffering from anger and frustration that Covid measures do not reflect any logic or deeper lying values?
Simply start viewing them as a random collection of measures that give “most of us a sense that something is being done”.
Because that is exactly what they are supposed to do.
For example.
If you felt it was treacherous that Star Wars 7 and 8 had set us up for a fairy tale ending, only to then betray those invested in that story line with Star Wars 9?
View Disney Lucas Film and the Star Wars franchise as an enterprise that is only interested in making money, and once they noticed the fans from the prequels and originals making so much fuss over “8” they changed their course.
They tailored “9” the best they could to what the old fans wanted to see, and marginalized the story about Rey and Kylo-Ren.
Because that is exactly what happened.

For example.
If you have an aids phobia that you should probably throw a shower this year, because it is at its 35th anniversary, and feel that maybe the adults in the 80s should have been more careful than to make not- catching aids an individual responsibility of 15 year old virgins. Should maybe not have written brochures in blood.
And you still feel, well, a little unresolved over this?
Even after all that time.

Then know that the sex education with regard to Aids was never meant for you. It was only there to not conflict with all the sixties left-over issues from a former generation. 
To soothe people who had taken tremendous risks with drugs, free-sex, life in communes and traveling the world, meanwhile failing to create safe environments for their children.
Because that is exactly what it was. 

Aids was the perfect scapegoat, so that the entire generation who had grown up in the 60s and 70s, and just at the moment when it became clear that capitalism had won, nuclear war was more pending than ever, and that nothing would remain from all the ideals of the generations past;
There was something new and fresh to distract them from reflecting on that.
All they needed to do, and then everything would be alright, was to wrap up the responsibility ball, attach a brochure to it that suggested there was such a thing as “safe sex”;
And pass it on to the next generation.

Because that was exactly what it was, and maybe no one understands how you feel.

But I do.

An unexamined life is not worth living


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Covid’s polarising effect on Dutch society | The C Diaries episode 2

In the 90s aids and hiv education was done with a campaign of beautiful posters of people making love.
Among which this gay couple.
Translation text:
I have safe sex or no sex

This is my series about my Covid induced celibacy..

It must have been 2010, or later, because I heard it through social media and I didn’t have that until late 2010.
But that was the first time I heard there had been American homosexuals, who had refrained from sex until aids was no longer a death verdict.
I never heard of that, when I was still in my teens.
As far as I knew, I was the only one from my generation who had understood the consequences of becoming hiv positive:

Social isolation, and death.
All my peers didn’t bother until they had had unsafe sex, and then read a disturbing article in a magazine’s human interest section of someone our age who had unprotected heterosexual sex once or, alternatively, someone who started having unprotected sex in a normal “safe” relationship,
and were now HIV positive. 
That’s when they started looking back at the risk they had taken, and started worrying about their status.
They never had the vision of utter loneliness, despair, and an early death when they were on a holiday with other teenagers.
Nor when they had spent a few afternoons kissing instead of making homework, and things got a bit heated.
Meanwhile I, a 15 year old virgin girl, was staring straight into the abyss, wondering how it was possible others were having sex. Let alone unsafe sex.
If I had known there were people on the other side of the ocean who had seen the same abyss, and had decided against becoming sexual active, I would have felt better.
Knowing I had kindred spirits, would not have made me choose celibacy but I would have felt less ashamed of my extremely safe habit to only have steady long-term monogamous relationships and to use condoms throughout as well.
No unprotected oral sex either.
I knew unprotected oral sex was not a 100% safe, and it was one of the many frustrations I had with Dutch aids education.
That it made it look as if “safe sex” was a relatively minor intervention compared to unprotected sex. But they never talked of the consequences of oral sex with condoms or a dental dam if a guy had wanted to be safe licking me. That’s not a small measure.

It really changes your entire experience of sex, way more than the use of condoms for intercourse.
In 2006 I ended my habit of choosing safe relationships, and developed my sexuality and was motivated to take the bull by the horns.
Endure phobias if they came back.
Nothing was going to scare me back into a monogamous long-term relationship.
And it didn’t.
Until Covid came.
I ve been tempted to write this article in Dutch, and to make it more personal. How Dutch Covid education is triggering my social exclusion phobia because it has the exact same design as the 80s aids/hiv education.
And the response from the Dutch population, is also identical to the response to hiv/aids.
Which may have been why I felt uncomfortable writing it in Dutch:
It’s probably easier to write in English, and study it as a cultural phenomenon, rather than as a personal pain.
That the 80s response and today’s response are identical, both of the Dutch population as well as mine, shows how ingrained those responses are.
My response shows that I have not changed since the 80s, let lone “healed” from my social phobia.
In the 80s I started fearing other people because I was afraid that if I got aids I would be stigmatized, banned, not have a normal life. I would not be loved.
In 2020 I fear other people because I am afraid that if I test Covid positive I will be stigmatized, banned, not have a normal life. I will not be loved.
Hooray for 35 years of personal development.
So for better or for worse: I take full responsibility for not having grown significantly.
But only because I m now going to blatantly accuse Dutch society of not having changed one bit, let alone grown, since the 80s either.
You’re still making use of the same manipulative techniques as you did with aids/hiv. Meanwhile you’re also still the ones having the 2020 version of a teenage holiday, the 2020 version of a one-night-stand without a condom, and the 2020 version of kissing over homework which gradually developed into more and more did not mean condoms.
Our minister of Justice Grapperhaus who has been accusing everybody not committing to Covid regulations of being anti-social and who has financially ruined families having picknicks in parks with their grandparents with fines which were installed on his behalf, has been documented at his wedding, hugging, shaking hands, hanging out with limited distance.
And he didn’t have to resign, he can stay.
He was questioned, but he can stay.
I really wonder why I even bother to write this entire piece.
That example of hypocrisy alone illustrates Covid rules. Just like the aids/hiv warnings from the 80s, only apply to people who can be financially or socially bullied into following the rules.
And not for people who have money and display desirable Christian behavior.
Just like my peers felt safe having sex with a class mate after kissing over homework, Grapperhaus doesn’t have to comply to Covid rules when he gets married.
The aids stigma does not apply to heterosexual teenagers just like the social rules do not apply to Ministers of Justice.
Meanwhile I read of a NORMAL Dutch woman who felt like a leper because she is no longer invited to weddings because she had Covid.
She s just not invited anymore even though she is healed. That’s how the Covid stigma works for normal people, Mister Grapperhaus.
All in all I see three similarities in aids/hiv education in the Netherlands on one hand, and Covid policies on the other hand.
And all of them are specific to the Netherlands.
And all of them cause polarization, because they’re unfair. 
None of these rules have anything to do with whether you think the virus is real, whether you think the new vaccines will be safe, or whether you think the governments are doing their best or not.

1. To pretend there is such a thing as Safe, and that it is an INDIVIDUAL responsibility

Both in the 80s as well as now, it is implied that there is such a thing as safety. Hence the word “Safe” sex.
What that implies is:
“If you catch hiv, you did not have Safe sex. Dummie you!” 
I really wonder how in the actual fuck it is possible that my 90’s new age books could always count on a shit storm of criticism because they supposedly implied that cancer was preventable by positive thinking;
Yet we accepted sex education that laid the responsibility for catching hiv by the individual.
The same gaslighting technique is being used today:
We are made personally responsible for spreading the virus.
Just like with aids/hiv, it is presented as if there is a very easy, clear cut way to prevent catching Covid.
This simplification is damaging.
Just like good modern sex education speaks of “safeR” sex, Dutch government should stop saying things like:
“It’s up to us, if we’re going to get a second Covid wave!”
In 2016 Dutch aids foundation had a campaign that showed aids patients and then had confrontational text such as “I kill three times as many people as in 1990”.
This campaign was pulled back within 24 hours.
Not just because all data did not represent the Dutch situation, and should therefor never have been used in a Dutch campaign;
But mostly because it stigmatized hiv and aids patients.
Suggesting the Dutch have control over whether or not we’re going to have a second wave, is similar to making a poster with a face and the text:
“I am responsible for the second wave of Covid.”
It’s not just mental abuse because you’re accusing people of being mass murderers:
But just like the 2016 campaign of the Aids Foundation, it may very well not be true at all.

2. The Rules are Unclear

Dutch regulations are not strict and clear and therefor they leave a lot of room for interpretation.
This has the same devastating effect as families where the parents do not make clear which rules to obey, and get angry randomly, and in an abusive way:
That’s Dutch government.
First they give unclear rules, and then they get all high and mighty when too many people visit the beach.
Or when too few people get their snotty nose checked for Covid.
You know how the prime minister of Sint Martin ordered her people to go into a two week lock down?
She practically gave a shopping list on what you had to buy, because you would not be allowed out of the house for two weeks.
What she did was comparable to creating a very safe family:
She was very clear on the rules, and on the punishment you would get if you violated them.
In the Netherlands the rules are not very clear and they are always given in combination with a rationalization/validation of them.
For example:
You must social distance because of the spit/ drops in the air, which travel 1,5 meter at the most.
As understandable as that seems, the explanation of rules is what makes the Netherlands the most socially unsafe country on the planet.
Because you never know what counts more:
The rules, or the reason WHY it is a rule?
So if we see a video of an independent scientist explaining why the rule can never be effective, or is unnecessary;
Then does the rule still count
All the people who are opposing our government with proof of the virus not existing, of normalizing the virus, pointing out the dangers of new DNA changing vaccination techniques and so on, are arguing with the WHY of the rules.
This is why it would have been much better to choose for the Sint Martin approach: 
“Because I say so.”
It is much clearer if your prime minister says:
“Given the little we know about this virus, we have chosen these rules, which history will tell if they were the right ones.
But to avoid any confusion, we are going to implement them literally, no exceptions.”
For a two week lockdown, for example.
Compare it with using condoms for hiv/aids:
In America sex for heterosexual teens was a taboo, and it led to aids/hiv education being rounded off to:
“Don’t have sex.”
It’s not very subtle, but it is very clear.
In the Netherlands, because aids/hiv education for heterosexual teens was connected to WHY you had to practice safe sex, the teens forgot to use condoms unless they were about to have sex with a male homosexual heroin user.
Another example is, I once had two extremely demanding managers:
One wanted you to work really hard, and could be a bit of a bully if he thought you were not working your butt off.
And the other wanted you to go all in as well, but with her it was not as clear what it was she wanted from you.
The second one was much friendlier and softer, and yet it would have taken a lot more effort if you wanted her approval.
I never bothered with her, and focused on the first because although I didn’t like him nor agreed with him, at least his demands were clear.
Dutch regulations are like that second manager:
If you want to be approved by her, by society at large, you have to tune into a constantly changing mixture of demands and values.
I didn’t fall for it then, and I m not falling for it now.

 3. Health care providers are too caught up in their own fears

In the 90s I tried to get help for my aids phobia, only to meet a psychotherapist who was so triggered, probably because he had teenage daughters, that he agreed to treat me, yet at the same time couldn’t stop talking about that it was a good thing I was so careful not to contract it.
I did not know at the time, I was actually suffering from a social phobia and not a fear of germs or hypochondria, but either way I did understand this man would never be able to help me.
He would always need me to be safe, because that meant that maybe his daughters were safe.

This morning I was unhappily surprised I was billed for a consultation at the GP I never had.
They were suppose to call me back with regard to my returned social/aids/covid phobia, and they never did.
But they did not fail to bill me.
So I called them, and as it turned out, the question had been answered in written form. And not in a bad way, just that they forgot to call and tell me.
We made a new appointment, and yet half an hour later I called them back and canceled it.
I would cope with my issues myself, and never call them again with regard to these mental health complaints.
What happened?
Well, I had sensed part of them was happy that I was at least frightened enough to follow the safe rules. Just like the 90s psychotherapist.
Which brings me back to point one:
As long as we make the individual responsible for transmitting/spreading Covid, we are dehumanizing our society.
Every person then becomes a “1” if he or she is good, and behaves in a way that people believe to be safe.
And he or she becomes a “0” if he or she does not run to health care services to get tested if they have a snotty nose. Who keeps making love and having sex, the way they did before Covid.
Who says:
“I have a returning social phobia with regard to Covid, because after 6 months of being a “1” I need more from life than to just refrain from shit the entire fucking day in order to even be allowed to exist.”
Needing to be touched, needing to be loved, needing to get away from the constant gaslighting that is Dutch Covid protocol, is not a valid reason break protocol.
Getting married when you’re the minister of Justice is.

Suzanne/ Lauren living.


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I am Suzanne, the real name of Lauren Harteveld,
Lauren/ LS Harteveld was my second identity under which I wrote about sex, relationships, pop culture, from 2006 to 2020.
Lauren is now in 1995, so she will write offline for us.
Her first year 1994-1995:
Originally Lauren was going to write offline in 1995, but since I don’t have a sex life anymore, there is no reason for such discretion. 

coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2020
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
Blote Kont- (Dutch)
5. ALL THE THINGS – unpublished work 2010 – 2020

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