Before I begin let me get one thing straight:
I am pro vaccinations.
Just like with anesthetics my response to vaccination is a confident:
“Give me everything you’ve got!”
Although living exclusively in the Netherlands for over 20 years that has been restricted to Hepatitis  (2 shots) and Tetanus.
Vaccinations which were in all likeliness given under the skin, and vaccinations which were indeed:
*dramatic silence*
Pinpricks.

Not:
Rusty staplers

Not:
Being stabbed in the upper arm with a potato peeler

I could setup equally sarcastic remarks for the location I received my Covid vaccination (a tent internationally referred to as “UN-like style”, setup on the country side between live stock);
The cue routing (a zigzag of textile rope that I expect could be electrified when called for);
And the effect of having to be without your face mask for 15 minutes, sitting on a chair with dozens of people, in a tent. After 15 months of being drenched in the dangers of aerosols and how it, I don’t know, kind of mattered that you tried your best to not get Covid!

Call me stupid but I thought being with dozens of people in a tent was the kind of situation where for the past 15 months, you were strongly advised to self-quarantine yourself for ten days.
Not a government funded MANDATORY bonus chance to get infected with Covid on your way out after vaccination.

But less is more!
Even if all those secondary things had unexpectedly been to my liking, I would probably have been disappointed in my ability to be even remotely okay with this vaccination.

Now to again simplify the different responsibilities and what-the-fuck-went-wrongs here, I would like focus on  one thing. 
False expectations.

Because in the Netherlands, as soon as testing for Covid started, reports on people experiencing pain when they got tested came out. Phrases like “horrible”, “never again”, and even people with a high tolerance for pain said they found it disturbing.
So the fact that after vaccination, everybody’s heart was overflowing with joy and gratitude for their vaccination, could therefor in my opinion only mean it was less painful and less intrusive than their test.

And the information from the government too, was tailored to screening for physical contra-indications for the Covid shot.
As far as mental conditions went, it asked if you ever fainted during vaccination.
Which was of course, “No”.
But in hindsight this could have been because those vaccinations had indeed been pinpricks and had not been given in the apocalyptic setting of a red cross war zone tent. I could just see the imaginary trenches, and one pony in front of the tent was constantly on his side and had visible difficulty getting up.
But war is equally hard, on humans and animals alike!

So the questionnaire in no way suggested that you would suffer any psychological damage,
nor that there were any mental health issues to take into account before setting foot on the set of Contagion.

Then why do I want to destroy all my work?
All my social media accounts (I work under two names, and two languages), websites, YouTube channels?
Why do I want to die, and because I know that is self-destructive and people will feel the need to save me and help me;
Why do I feel so blessed that I am an artist, and that I can just destroy my work and no one will be able to stop me because blogging is without value and cannot count as self-destruction?

Why is there not in the brochure that five weeks from now after the second vaccination I have an over 50% chance (from what I ve seen abroad where younger people have received their second) of ending in bed for days with a high fever?
And how that fucks with your mind, when no one discusses this with you if IT IS NOT IN THE BROCHURE?

That five weeks from now you should stock up on yoghurt drinks and biscuit and food for your cats because it has a 50% chance of being your worst flu in over a decade?

How come no one seems to suffer from this nauseous feeling of having been injected with something experimental?
And that you need to block/ close yourself off from the idea that you now have an experimental vaccine in your body where no one knows how it will prove to be linked to the fate of humanity in the future, or even how it will prove to be linked to your own individual fate?

How do you deal with that insecurity of being part of a vaccination program we know very little about and how in the flying fuck does that round off to:
“Have you ever fainted during a vaccination?”

When you feel like you’ve ended up in the bee hive finale of the X Files?

Why would anyone faint DURING vaccination when you have the entire rest of your life to worry about what you put in your body?

I think part of me, taking this so personal and no longer wanting to live, which in my case means I can suffice with destroying my work because if I no longer live creatively I am already dead;
Part of that is because if no one is experiencing this, it means my point of view is ultimately not valid.

If everyone is happy and in full gratitude over how amazing it is that science saved us, and we made it through this pandemic together;
Then why on earth would I ruin everybody’s party by admitting that I don’t have the feeling I’m ever going to get over the fact that I feel so violated in everything that makes me, me;
That I see no point at all of carrying on.
No point of speaking.
No point in being.

It was a bit like when the nurse asked if I wanted to stay seated for a bit longer, and I looked at her and I m pretty sure I rolled my eyes when I said:
“Wrap it up, it no longer matters.”

As if staying in the chair would make any difference now.

As if anything, would ever, make a difference now.

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living