Love Makes the World Go Round

Published on by LS HarteveldLeave a comment

After months of silence, Lauren decides to tell the truth about Christopher.

I came across a journaling prompt;
What would you do if fear of rejection or pain wouldn’t ruin you?
My initial thought was:
“Write Christopher. Tell him the truth about my feelings!”
You know honestly? I still might.
If this blog post doesn’t give me the truth-telling relief I hope it will, I still might send an email to Christopher.
Because it’s SUCH a good story!
And if I tell him, I can be a 100% honest. For this blog I still have to withhold and alter a significant amount of information, to protect his identity.
I can’t tell you when exactly, where exactly, I met him. Or why.
But I will tell you more than I did before.
The reason I’ve decided against telling him, is because I ve had men confess their feelings to me, and it has always made me slightly annoyed.
Furious might be a better word.
The reason I feel so provoked if a man tells me how he feels about me, is because their confession always seems to include the expectancy that:
a. I didn’t know already. And I always know already. Men want to have sex with me. Period. It’s been that way since puberty, and that’s fine.
Presuming this is new to me, however, is not fine.
It’s an insult.
Not to my sexual attractiveness but to my brain.
b. They assume their feelings for me have any influence on my feelings for them.
That’s not how it works.
Either I m in love with you, or I find you attractive. Or I don’t.
My feelings for you are independent from what you may or may not think about me, and again: It’s an insult to my emotional maturity that you expect your feelings for me, to be of influence on that.
In short, a man telling me his feelings never sits well with me, and is interpreted by me as a WTF-moment where I search for the nearest exit. Either physically or communication wise.
“Oh, look at the time!”
My disdain or sympathy for men confessing their feelings for me, makes me extremely reluctant to share this story with Christopher.
The only reason I would tell him, is not because I expect him to change his feelings for me, or make a different decision. It’s because it’s such a great story!
There is of course a fair chance that he knows this story.
I ve always assumed our feelings for each other were mutual, and he has hinted at that himself as well. So in that respect, it’s also a bit pointless to tell him a story he already knows.
And pretty presumptuous to assume that I would tell him something new.
Which is why it is better for all parties – and my ego! – to just close the entire Christopher story-line in this blog, by telling the true story.
As much as I can.
First of all: Christopher is not Idris Elba.
I ve used Idris Elba pictures on this blog, to give you a picture and make him an intriguing character. He actually IS intriguing! But the parts of him that make him that way, I can’t reveal.
So that’s why I resorted to strong measures, and played the Elba card.
Also: Christopher is not black either.
And way older than Idris Elba.
When I started this blog I had no idea how old Christopher was. Still don’t. Maybe I’ll do some online spying to see if I can find out, on a day I feel really low and need a little treat.
I also didn’t know Idris Elba’s age, but I thought he’d be about ten year younger than Christopher. Turns out! Turns out! – and I knew this because Christopher Elba was voted sexiest man alive since I started writing, so his age was suddenly all over the media; that Idris is only 46!
That’s my age!
Idris Elba will be attractive his whole life, so he is a great choice in portraying Christopher because it’s clear age doesn’t matter at all.
But Idris’ age could be like twenty years younger than Christopher’s.
I m not sure.
Just that I was a bit bumped out when I realized the actor I had chosen to “portray” Christopher, an older friend with whom I had suddenly fell in love, was born six weeks after me.
Which brings me to the second bit, which was entirely different than I told in the blog;
Christopher is not a friend.
I did not, after years of seeing him for dinner dates, suddenly fall in love. Writing about him as if he was a friend, for whom I had developed feelings, was the only way to protect his identity fully.
Just remember; At the time I started this blog, I didn’t know what would happen.
Something could…
And in that case, men who were my friends would be suspicious.
And men who I d just met, would be off the hook.
I altered his history with me, so that everybody would not suspect him of being Christopher.
Now ironically a very funny part about everything I wrote here, was not a lie;
I was indeed totally unaware of my feelings.
And my suppressed feelings were derailing my entire business and life.
Everything I tried just didn’t feel right!
My little cat Max, love of my life, died at the beginning of the year, so maybe closing off from my feelings was simply a survival mechanism. As I was trying to “fix” my life, by “fixing” my business.
The only thing I HAD in my life, the only thing constant that still demanded my attention, was my yoga company!
No wonder I automatically directed my love into my business, when Max died and I couldn’t have a new cat. For multiple reasons, really.
So it wasn’t a lie when I said my feelings for Christopher had gone unnoticed for months and had completely pulled me offtrack business wise.
Because of course nothing I came up with felt right!
I was in love. And the whole situation was completely hopeless because he was married and I already had a secret lover. Either we weren’t going to get together. Or if we did, I would have two secret lovers.
When it had already taken me years to get used to one!
NO WONDER NOTHING FELT RIGHT!
After more than three years of only having feelings for Mr.Big, completely immune to any other man, I had fallen for someone else.
That does not feel right.
That feels like a crisis.
But if you’re unaware of those feelings, yes, you will keep reorganizing your company until you drop, (or it drops) assuming that your restless agony stems from a malfunctioning marketing system.
Or whatever.
Of course!
So I can see how Max’ death, and not being in touch with my feelings, contributed to me not realizing I was in love with Christopher.
And the age thing, maybe that too played a part.
I just didn’t take him into account, whenever I found myself having such strong feelings of joy, and excitement, and it was like I knew very well I was in love. Just not with whom!
I even remember going over all the men in my life, and yet I never included him!
Ever!
We didn’t have a relationship of any kind at the time, but I did know on which occasion (which I will never reveal) I could run into him.
And I had noticed my undeniable feelings of exuberance around that setting.
And I did go over the men I was closest to, when I was there.
But never him!
So call it the revenge of ageism. And it was revenge I deserved.
But the absolute weirdest thing, is that in hindsight the way we met had all the characteristics of a scripted meet cute. The way they stage the main characters coming together in a romantic movie.
Do you know how Mr.Big and Carrie meet?
They bump into each other, and Carrie drops her bag and all her condoms fall on the sidewalk. Mr.Big, who would be her number one love interest for six seasons of Sex and the City, helps to pick them up.
We had the same meet cute.
It was spontaneous, in the sense that neither one of us planned this.
There was clumsiness. On both sides. Or maybe clumsiness is not the right word… but someone who had a radar for things like this would have picked up on it.
It seemed like the world had stopped turning.
And I know that’s an absolutely cheesy way to put it, but it really describes how clear it all was.
Just like a romantic comedy.
Everybody knows these are forces that can’t be budged with.
All the more remarkable that I then IGNORED it!
Took it out on my company!
Went over the men associated with the location, and still did not see it!
I was so ignorant – this is embarrassing – that I ended up having a good reason to spend time with him. AND YET I STILL DIDN’T SEE IT.
Yet my energy just sky-rocketed every time I saw him!
How on earth did I manage to not notice?!
And then, suddenly, after months and months, it hit me.
Oh. My. Fucking. God. It’s Christopher.
Now contrary to what I wrote here, I never wrote him a long tell-all letter where I confessed my feelings and asked him how he wanted to proceed from now on.
That would have been totally ridiculous because we weren’t friends.
If Christopher had indeed been a friend for years, and suddenly my feelings had shifted? A real heart to heart would have been a believable story.
But I didn’t even know Christopher.
We ran into each other by chance, and I hid my feelings so no one could find them, least of all me. We saw each other, but very occasionally and never in private or anything.
I could feel we were getting friendly, and that we were in the process of determining what we wanted. If we wanted to see each other, or not.
I did feel that.
But it wasn’t as if we had a bond that required explaining if my feelings had changed. And in retrospect they had not even changed, because he literally had me at hello.
Just that I had managed to ignore that for months.
So when I had that light-bulb moment, finally, after all those months. And I realized me and Christopher were testing the waters about what we wanted,  that’s when I did the bravest thing imaginable.
I would call it my personal, most altruistic moment to date.
I gave him a little heads up that I would love to go on a date, but that it would probably not be without risk and that I could imagine him passing. THAT’S ALL I WROTE.
And then he answered to that, and he did choose for his wife and marriage.
It was a very mature conversation, between two emotionally mature individuals. It was drama-free, respectful and discrete.
It’s been months. I’ve carefully avoided him, and I never saw him again.
And yet I can still remember every single word.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

Love makes the world go round is the thirty-fourth chapter from Project M. 

The subscribe button to this diary is somewhere on the right.
or follow Twitter ; or Facebook
NEW connect on Linkedin

BOOK SHOP
Gives a 25% discount on all prices
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

spotlight on:
Het Boek Benjamin
verzameld werk Engels en Nederlands
2006-2016

Een meisje vrijt met een jongen en een homoseksuele man. Naast het overweldigende verlangen, is ze zich hyperbewust van de risico’s. Zal haar lust het winnen van de angst?
Zo opent het magnum opus van LS Harteveld.
Na de coming of age novelle Mango, duik je in het dagboek van een yoga docent. En hier blijken de fictieve karakters uit Mango bestaande personen.
Benjamin keert zelfs boek na boek weer terug. Maar wat is de waarheid?
En wie is Benjamin?
Het laatste boek gaat over haar affaire met een getrouwde man die ze Mr. Big noemt.
Waardoor de vraag rijst; Is hij Benjamin?
Heeft LS Harteveld haar muze in bescherming genomen en zijn identiteit veranderd? Of heeft ze een nieuwe liefde gevonden? Een vrouw leunt over een tafel. Ze is naakt, op haar blinddoek na.
Haar minnaar rekt haar grenzen op tot het uiterste van wat nog passend is, in dit spel der geesten. Misschien gaat hij eroverheen, dat blijft in het midden. Maar 25 jaar na de eerste scene, is één ding duidelijk;
de lust heeft gewonnen.

Levering in Nederland

De goedkoopste manier om mijn werk te kopen is via de uitgeverij – 
In verband met problemen met de pakjesdiensten én mijn eigen postbus,
kan ik helaas geen boeken meer opsturen.
Maar ik heb ze nog wel.
Je kunt hier beneden de beschrijvingen lezen of mijn boeken
bekijken via de webwinkel en daarna bestellen via mail:
onder mijn eigen naam
Suzanne s_beenackers@hotmail.com
Betaling is vooraf via mijn privérekening, en overdracht op het station van Nijmegen.
Signeren gratis uiteraard!

Minimale bestelling € 10
Als je een bon wilt, moet je via de uitgeverij bestellen, en niet via mij.

Hieronder het oeuvre en de prijzen.
alle boeken zijn handzaam A5, behalve Het Boek Benjamin, dat is groot studieboek formaat (soft cover) dat je open moet leggen.

Het Boek Benjamin €45
Verzameld werk boek 1 t/m 8
Beschrijving boven, losse boeken beneden. 

1. Mango, een novelle  €15
Seksuele safari, van de jaren 80 tot de zero’s.
Een stoer, technisch meisje groeit op met alleen een moeder, in de roerige jaren 80. Roken is nog van alle leeftijden, drinken idem, en seks ook zolang je bestand bent tegen voorlichtingsfolders over aids waarbij het woord AIDS in bloedspatten is geschreven.
Dat blijkt helaas teveel van ‘t goede.
Vermengd met een verleden in Afrika, en een overleden vader, ontwikkelt deze arrogante tiener een angststoornis waar geen psycholoog haar bij kan helpen. Maar ze blijft aangetrokken tot mooie jongens en homoseksuele mannen.

2. Dutch American Diary (2008-2009) €15
Yoga teacher Lauren is in love with two men; One cunning wizard and one half her age.
 The affair was secret so Lauren called him; He Who Must Not Be Named. After the dark wizard in the Harry Potter series. She tried to get over this American but after a year she only has her mistakes to show for. Including dating an Israeli spy and a Buddhist photographer.
Now her wizard obsession is back full throttle and the next disaster has already emerged;  an attractive yoga student. Young enough to be her son.
Faced with nothing but diabolic choices, Lauren confides in her best friend; the warm and friendly Lara. Despite having the same nationality as He Who Must Not Be Named, and working at the same office coven, Lara seems to lack his foul nature.
Or does she?
Once you’ve read Dutch American Diary? You’ll never ever in your life make the mistake of messing with a yoga teacher. 
~Dutch American Diary part 1

3. 22 Erotische Verhalen €15
Literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin en Isabel Allende.
Ze komen en gaan; de kleurrijke personages in deze dromerige erotische wereld, waar ze je één verhaal lang deelgenoot maken van hun diepste verlangen en hun ergste pijn. Die vaker wel dan niet op magische wijze met elkaar verbonden blijken.
Grenzen worden genegeerd, lusten gebotvierd, wonden geheeld.
Sinds Anais Nin heeft geen schrijver zo onbevreesd het grijze gebied durven te betreden tussen het verbodene, het gruwelijke en het goddelijke. De lezer krijgt naast onversneden liefde en zinderende ontknopingen, ook een spiegel voorgehouden die je laat zien wat er zich afspeelt in de donkerste delen van je ziel. 

 4. LS Diary (2012-2013) €10
About three dark men and Lauren getting naked on stage. Not necessarily together.
 Being dark, smart, and handsome, a Dutch writer bears the characteristics Lauren only knows  too well. He looks exactly like her male muse and unwanted protagonist in the majority of her writing.
A published writer and sought-after talk show guest, the Dutch writer has succeeded where blogger Lauren is failing year after year. After year. She feels the weight of her unpublished manuscripts, and her failed attempts to become a writer. To make matters worse she already has one ill-natured stalker. As if the liabilities of being famous have preceded its benefits.
Lauren gets her shit together prioritizing her work, ignoring men, sex and stalkers. But will it work?  Star struck Lauren meets the celebrity in real life, and soon enough her supposedly highly efficient sex-free life includes a naked guest appearance on stage, a blow-job in a parking garage and a seven month relationship.
~LS Diary can be read as standalone or as Dutch American Diary part 2

5. De Candystop (2013) €10
Waar de Nederlandse literatuur tot stilstand komt door een Marokkaanse lekkernij.
Getergd door een rits onduidelijke medische klachten, besluit Lauren geen suiker meer te eten, geen Chardonnay meer te nemen, en geen latte macchiato’s meer te drinken.
Na een paar weken is ze zo apathisch dat ze zelfs vergeet te masturberen.
Tot een jonge Marokkaanse god op tv verschijnt die tegen Lauren zegt;
“LauRRRen! WakkeRRR woRRRden! Ik ben ook schRRRijveRRR en ik heb ook een leuk leven!”
Dat is zo. Sam doet de vier s’en. Hij schrijft, hij sport, hij sekst en hij slaapt.
Ineens weet Lauren nog steeds niet waar het naartoe moet met haar leven, maar ze is wel klaarwakker. Zeker als ze erachter komt, dat Sam binnen een week een optreden geeft bij haar om de hoek.
Sam doet haar denken aan een verboden relatie met haar leerling, iets waar ze gemengde gevoelens over heeft. Sam wil die best met haar onderzoeken, maar hij vraag een prijs…

6. Bedtime Stories (2014) €15
Facing her demons and her muse, Lauren’s sexual history gets its worthy finale.
Lauren is corresponding with Elliot, but somewhere between The Netherlands and Vegas, things have stranded. To get their project back on track Lauren resorts to strong measures: making the whole damn thing public.
Sharing eight months of her life, Lauren’s third diary reintroduces all popular characters, such as writer Rafael and his legendary mythical counterpart Benjamin. Young writer Sam and his ghost twin Valentino.
Closing the Dutch American Diary trilogy, the 1991 story lines are finally tied together. With an extremely satisfying ending. Although not in a way anyone saw coming.
 ~LS Diary can be read as standalone or as Dutch American Diary part 3

7. Mirage (2014) €5
Giving you a little dessert, with all gorgeous writers from previous books.
Lauren, the former hedonistic cougar, is home bound, mothering her little ones, sick with worry and about to get dumped by her lover. Together with autumn setting in, Lauren needs her annual Cute Writer Fix more than ever. And this year there’s five of them.
Including a lunch date with the most famous author of the Netherlands; her youth love Henry.
~Mirage can be read as standalone or as the epilogue to the Dutch American Diary trilogy.

8. Big, diaries & erotica (2015-2016)  €20
The crown to Lauren’s life; a secret affair with her Biggie.
Ten years and ten lovers have taught Lauren two things.
One: single life is a disaster.
And two: men suck at anal sex.
So when Mr.Big comes along and succeeds where all the others have failed, Lauren is euphoric. She immediately picks up her pen to write about it, and her first story is indeed called “The Biggie”, about his flawless performance.  
For two years Lauren documents her secret affair with the married business man. She writes about their explosive encounters, her unwavering love, and her powerful insights. Gradually, Lauren changes. From an scarred single, to a woman totally owning her worth and her true nature. Ten years after ending her relationship in order to explore love and sex in all their forms, Lauren Harteveld becomes the ultimate mistress.

los verkrijgbaar, niet in Het Boek Benjamin:

Witte Tijgerin €5
Gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie.
Een Witte Tijgerin is een alleenstaande, onafhankelijke vrouw. Haar contact met mannen is erop gericht dat ze er energie van krijgt. Stel je voor! Nooit meer gehannes met beginnende relaties die het toch nét niet zijn. Nooit meer die morning-after backlash. Geïnspireerd op het klassieke Taoïstische werk De Witte Tijgerin van Hsi Lai, onthult deze gids;
– hoe je de touwtjes in handen houdt
– hoe je je liefdesleven gebruikt voor je plezier
– hoe je met seks je jeugdigheid herstelt.
Hij zal niet kunnen wachten om weer met je af te spreken! 

 

La Isla Bonita

Published on by LS HarteveldLeave a comment

Lauren is invited to come over, by Mr.Big. And she wonders if there will ever be something that will make her feel more alive, than her secret lover. 

Our dates always go by so quickly. And they always make me wish I took notes.
Notes!
So that I could actually write something to do it justice. But naturally there is no one thing, no one anecdote about me and Mr.Big that would offer an explanation why we love seeing each other so much.
Neither one of us would say “love each other so much” because that would ruin the idea that we still have to conquer each other every time, all over again.
Even after three and a half year, closer to four years by now.
Not taking each other for granted is of course a big part of it.
Which was really interesting because Mr.Big and me met at the caterer, and we actually had this huge disconnect! Maybe he was genuinely trying to make conversation; Yet I felt this wave of irritation coming from him.
As if he was taking a bad business day out on me, or something else that was bothering him.
But strangely enough it made me want him more.
It rose the stakes because it made me realize we actually do have to conquer each other every time. Our love, or our ability to deal with adversity, may not be strong enough to pull us through quarrel.
And that insecurity is exciting.
We could be so attached to our time being loving and light, that we would have little patience nor willingness to work for it. Like any couple other we are not immune to falling into the trap of entitlement.
But in me it sparked the opposite.
It felt like a challenge to have him show his irritation. What I did, although I must say it was intuitively, was to take my coat off.
My coat is like a shell. A mask. I once read Anais Nin too, attributed great significance to coats and cloaks. She realized they protected her, and that she could become a different person, by wearing one.
That is exactly how I wear them too.
I have shorter jackets as well, which are more practical, warmer, water and wind resistant and so on. Yet, I hardly ever wear them. Unless I work the land or something.
Which I do about once a year.
I simply need those long, stylish,  black or white coats for protection. They fight off intruders, because they make me unapproachable.
Intuitively I seemed to understand I needed to take my coat off.
And I did.
I also managed to not let myself be triggered, and before we were home with our French cuisine which included chocolate mousse for dessert;
we were already back to fun and flirting.
But I still appreciated the date starting by having to work for it. It made the evening all the sweeter.
Strangely enough though, I didn’t feel very sexual.
But my mood shifted and we had lovely sex.
I told Mr.Big, I should have known beforehand that I we would have sex. Because I had shaved my pussy, completely smooth.
It’s not my normal look but I need a trimmer for that, and it needed recharging. So instead of working my way around it with scissors, I just found it more convenient to shave it all off.
“I always get so hot, if it’s bald,” I confessed, lying in his arms, after our first time that night. “Have I ever told you about the first time? My boyfriend did it.”
I told him the story of my boyfriend shaving it all off, at my request. I was lying on the bed with my legs pulled up and a towel under my hips.
He had a bowl of warm water, shaving cream, shaving knife.
It took forever, and by the time he was done I was hornier than I had ever been in my life.
“We even tried to go for a walk that day, but we turned back because I was so horny at the idea I was completely shaven. I think we had sex for 24 hours straight or so.”
“I would feel a little scared doing that,” Mr.Big remarked. “Shaving you, down there.”
“Well, you’re the experienced one! You guys shave every day!”
“Yes. And it goes wrong occasionally.”
The thought of Mr.Big shaving me, and it hurting and being bloody turned me on so much I immediately wanted to have sex again.
Even the thought of pain made the pleasure all the sweeter.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

La Isla Bonita is the thirty-third chapter from Project M. 

The subscribe button to this diary is somewhere on the right.
or follow Twitter ; or Facebook
NEW connect on Linkedin

BOOK SHOP
Gives a 25% discount on all prices
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

spotlight on:
Het Boek Benjamin
verzameld werk Engels en Nederlands
2006-2016

Een meisje vrijt met een jongen en een homoseksuele man. Naast het overweldigende verlangen, is ze zich hyperbewust van de risico’s. Zal haar lust het winnen van de angst?
Zo opent het magnum opus van LS Harteveld.
Na de coming of age novelle Mango, duik je in het dagboek van een yoga docent. En hier blijken de fictieve karakters uit Mango bestaande personen.
Benjamin keert zelfs boek na boek weer terug. Maar wat is de waarheid?
En wie is Benjamin?
Het laatste boek gaat over haar affaire met een getrouwde man die ze Mr. Big noemt.
Waardoor de vraag rijst; Is hij Benjamin?
Heeft LS Harteveld haar muze in bescherming genomen en zijn identiteit veranderd? Of heeft ze een nieuwe liefde gevonden? Een vrouw leunt over een tafel. Ze is naakt, op haar blinddoek na.
Haar minnaar rekt haar grenzen op tot het uiterste van wat nog passend is, in dit spel der geesten. Misschien gaat hij eroverheen, dat blijft in het midden. Maar 25 jaar na de eerste scene, is één ding duidelijk;
de lust heeft gewonnen.

Levering in Nederland

De goedkoopste manier om mijn werk te kopen is via de uitgeverij – 
In verband met problemen met de pakjesdiensten én mijn eigen postbus,
kan ik helaas geen boeken meer opsturen.
Maar ik heb ze nog wel.
Je kunt hier beneden de beschrijvingen lezen of mijn boeken
bekijken via de webwinkel en daarna bestellen via mail:
onder mijn eigen naam
Suzanne s_beenackers@hotmail.com
Betaling is vooraf via mijn privérekening, en overdracht op het station van Nijmegen.
Signeren gratis uiteraard!

Minimale bestelling € 10
Als je een bon wilt, moet je via de uitgeverij bestellen, en niet via mij.

Hieronder het oeuvre en de prijzen.
alle boeken zijn handzaam A5, behalve Het Boek Benjamin, dat is groot studieboek formaat (soft cover) dat je open moet leggen.

Het Boek Benjamin €45
Verzameld werk boek 1 t/m 8
Beschrijving boven, losse boeken beneden. 

1. Mango, een novelle  €15
Seksuele safari, van de jaren 80 tot de zero’s.
Een stoer, technisch meisje groeit op met alleen een moeder, in de roerige jaren 80. Roken is nog van alle leeftijden, drinken idem, en seks ook zolang je bestand bent tegen voorlichtingsfolders over aids waarbij het woord AIDS in bloedspatten is geschreven.
Dat blijkt helaas teveel van ‘t goede.
Vermengd met een verleden in Afrika, en een overleden vader, ontwikkelt deze arrogante tiener een angststoornis waar geen psycholoog haar bij kan helpen. Maar ze blijft aangetrokken tot mooie jongens en homoseksuele mannen.

2. Dutch American Diary (2008-2009) €15
Yoga teacher Lauren is in love with two men; One cunning wizard and one half her age.
 The affair was secret so Lauren called him; He Who Must Not Be Named. After the dark wizard in the Harry Potter series. She tried to get over this American but after a year she only has her mistakes to show for. Including dating an Israeli spy and a Buddhist photographer.
Now her wizard obsession is back full throttle and the next disaster has already emerged;  an attractive yoga student. Young enough to be her son.
Faced with nothing but diabolic choices, Lauren confides in her best friend; the warm and friendly Lara. Despite having the same nationality as He Who Must Not Be Named, and working at the same office coven, Lara seems to lack his foul nature.
Or does she?
Once you’ve read Dutch American Diary? You’ll never ever in your life make the mistake of messing with a yoga teacher. 
~Dutch American Diary part 1

3. 22 Erotische Verhalen €15
Literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin en Isabel Allende.
Ze komen en gaan; de kleurrijke personages in deze dromerige erotische wereld, waar ze je één verhaal lang deelgenoot maken van hun diepste verlangen en hun ergste pijn. Die vaker wel dan niet op magische wijze met elkaar verbonden blijken.
Grenzen worden genegeerd, lusten gebotvierd, wonden geheeld.
Sinds Anais Nin heeft geen schrijver zo onbevreesd het grijze gebied durven te betreden tussen het verbodene, het gruwelijke en het goddelijke. De lezer krijgt naast onversneden liefde en zinderende ontknopingen, ook een spiegel voorgehouden die je laat zien wat er zich afspeelt in de donkerste delen van je ziel. 

 4. LS Diary (2012-2013) €10
About three dark men and Lauren getting naked on stage. Not necessarily together.
 Being dark, smart, and handsome, a Dutch writer bears the characteristics Lauren only knows  too well. He looks exactly like her male muse and unwanted protagonist in the majority of her writing.
A published writer and sought-after talk show guest, the Dutch writer has succeeded where blogger Lauren is failing year after year. After year. She feels the weight of her unpublished manuscripts, and her failed attempts to become a writer. To make matters worse she already has one ill-natured stalker. As if the liabilities of being famous have preceded its benefits.
Lauren gets her shit together prioritizing her work, ignoring men, sex and stalkers. But will it work?  Star struck Lauren meets the celebrity in real life, and soon enough her supposedly highly efficient sex-free life includes a naked guest appearance on stage, a blow-job in a parking garage and a seven month relationship.
~LS Diary can be read as standalone or as Dutch American Diary part 2

5. De Candystop (2013) €10
Waar de Nederlandse literatuur tot stilstand komt door een Marokkaanse lekkernij.
Getergd door een rits onduidelijke medische klachten, besluit Lauren geen suiker meer te eten, geen Chardonnay meer te nemen, en geen latte macchiato’s meer te drinken.
Na een paar weken is ze zo apathisch dat ze zelfs vergeet te masturberen.
Tot een jonge Marokkaanse god op tv verschijnt die tegen Lauren zegt;
“LauRRRen! WakkeRRR woRRRden! Ik ben ook schRRRijveRRR en ik heb ook een leuk leven!”
Dat is zo. Sam doet de vier s’en. Hij schrijft, hij sport, hij sekst en hij slaapt.
Ineens weet Lauren nog steeds niet waar het naartoe moet met haar leven, maar ze is wel klaarwakker. Zeker als ze erachter komt, dat Sam binnen een week een optreden geeft bij haar om de hoek.
Sam doet haar denken aan een verboden relatie met haar leerling, iets waar ze gemengde gevoelens over heeft. Sam wil die best met haar onderzoeken, maar hij vraag een prijs…

6. Bedtime Stories (2014) €15
Facing her demons and her muse, Lauren’s sexual history gets its worthy finale.
Lauren is corresponding with Elliot, but somewhere between The Netherlands and Vegas, things have stranded. To get their project back on track Lauren resorts to strong measures: making the whole damn thing public.
Sharing eight months of her life, Lauren’s third diary reintroduces all popular characters, such as writer Rafael and his legendary mythical counterpart Benjamin. Young writer Sam and his ghost twin Valentino.
Closing the Dutch American Diary trilogy, the 1991 story lines are finally tied together. With an extremely satisfying ending. Although not in a way anyone saw coming.
 ~LS Diary can be read as standalone or as Dutch American Diary part 3

7. Mirage (2014) €5
Giving you a little dessert, with all gorgeous writers from previous books.
Lauren, the former hedonistic cougar, is home bound, mothering her little ones, sick with worry and about to get dumped by her lover. Together with autumn setting in, Lauren needs her annual Cute Writer Fix more than ever. And this year there’s five of them.
Including a lunch date with the most famous author of the Netherlands; her youth love Henry.
~Mirage can be read as standalone or as the epilogue to the Dutch American Diary trilogy.

8. Big, diaries & erotica (2015-2016)  €20
The crown to Lauren’s life; a secret affair with her Biggie.
Ten years and ten lovers have taught Lauren two things.
One: single life is a disaster.
And two: men suck at anal sex.
So when Mr.Big comes along and succeeds where all the others have failed, Lauren is euphoric. She immediately picks up her pen to write about it, and her first story is indeed called “The Biggie”, about his flawless performance.  
For two years Lauren documents her secret affair with the married business man. She writes about their explosive encounters, her unwavering love, and her powerful insights. Gradually, Lauren changes. From an scarred single, to a woman totally owning her worth and her true nature. Ten years after ending her relationship in order to explore love and sex in all their forms, Lauren Harteveld becomes the ultimate mistress.

los verkrijgbaar, niet in Het Boek Benjamin:

Witte Tijgerin €5
Gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie.
Een Witte Tijgerin is een alleenstaande, onafhankelijke vrouw. Haar contact met mannen is erop gericht dat ze er energie van krijgt. Stel je voor! Nooit meer gehannes met beginnende relaties die het toch nét niet zijn. Nooit meer die morning-after backlash. Geïnspireerd op het klassieke Taoïstische werk De Witte Tijgerin van Hsi Lai, onthult deze gids;
– hoe je de touwtjes in handen houdt
– hoe je je liefdesleven gebruikt voor je plezier
– hoe je met seks je jeugdigheid herstelt.
Hij zal niet kunnen wachten om weer met je af te spreken! 

 

Open your heart

Published on by LS HarteveldLeave a comment

Lauren’s productivity is dangerously close to zero. On the day she needs to impress her coach.

Hi Sara!

I look forward to our call.
If it’s our last, I would love to renew!!

If you still want me that is, because I m aware that I haven’t made a lot of progress so maybe I don t meet your standards. But I do hope so. Our calls really give me an opportunity to have this feeling of accountability, and no matter how lousy the weeks were, I always feel like I get a clean start.
I would definitely like to renew.

Since our last call I ve gotten very inspired by two MAJOR things!!
The first was the movie Bohemian Rhapsody
Which I ve seen 5 times by now, and it inspired a really lengthy piece that tells everything there is to know about me and the meaning of life.
And I m not going to give you the link because what if you feel obliged to read that whole thing?!
And 2: Bon Jovi coming the Netherlands!
That was my first concert in 1988, and I ve reconstructed that it actually propelled my sexual career by giving me status, and identity. And I got a boyfriend who was way out of my league, within a month after that concert.
And he looked exactly like Jon Bongiovi.
I can t understand I never saw that.
Needless to say he broke by heart but it was the best thing that could have happened to me.
Anyway, them coming back on June 13, was definitely a huge inspiration to get my shit together, and reconnect with the 16 year old me.

The bad news is;
Past weeks were (at least initially) very disappointing with regard to me figuring out how to balance creating and publishing.
The first ten days I focused on creating.
And the last three days on time off (weekend) and publishing (today).
Both of which only happened because I completely gave up on the idea of creating anything, when I m in my publishing phase.
Last week I did create videos, and blogs under my real name. And also wrote that fabulous piece for LS Harteveld.
Yet Friday I felt so terribly dissatisfied and even a bit desperate.
Because my books, my publishing had not been worked on for weeks.

I still feel a bit guilty for giving up on writing new stuff and on making videos. But I do feel better today, after working for 7 hours straight on publishing my yoga book. 
This will actually be the first one to finish. I m doing it book by book now. Six total.
And I also did yoga, and my body was not the way I remembered it!
Oh dear.
So that’s a thing as well: I need to pick up on bike rides and yoga,
because my body does not like this flaky physical regime I have.

This is my preliminary daily planning for the publishing phase.
8-2 pm publishing
2 pm – 3 pm admin/ stuff to do with (transfer of) yoga studio
cycle and run errands
dinner
yoga and writing or social

Talk to you tomorrow.

Best wishes,

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

Open your heart is the thirty-second chapter from Project M. 

The subscribe button to this diary is somewhere on the right.
or follow Twitter ; or Facebook
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BOOK SHOP
Gives a 25% discount on all prices
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

spotlight on:
Het Boek Benjamin
verzameld werk Engels en Nederlands
2006-2016

Een meisje vrijt met een jongen en een homoseksuele man. Naast het overweldigende verlangen, is ze zich hyperbewust van de risico’s. Zal haar lust het winnen van de angst?
Zo opent het magnum opus van LS Harteveld.
Na de coming of age novelle Mango, duik je in het dagboek van een yoga docent. En hier blijken de fictieve karakters uit Mango bestaande personen.
Benjamin keert zelfs boek na boek weer terug. Maar wat is de waarheid?
En wie is Benjamin?
Het laatste boek gaat over haar affaire met een getrouwde man die ze Mr. Big noemt.
Waardoor de vraag rijst; Is hij Benjamin?
Heeft LS Harteveld haar muze in bescherming genomen en zijn identiteit veranderd? Of heeft ze een nieuwe liefde gevonden? Een vrouw leunt over een tafel. Ze is naakt, op haar blinddoek na.
Haar minnaar rekt haar grenzen op tot het uiterste van wat nog passend is, in dit spel der geesten. Misschien gaat hij eroverheen, dat blijft in het midden. Maar 25 jaar na de eerste scene, is één ding duidelijk;
de lust heeft gewonnen.

Levering in Nederland

De goedkoopste manier om mijn werk te kopen is via de uitgeverij – 
In verband met problemen met de pakjesdiensten én mijn eigen postbus,
kan ik helaas geen boeken meer opsturen.
Maar ik heb ze nog wel.
Je kunt hier beneden de beschrijvingen lezen of mijn boeken
bekijken via de webwinkel en daarna bestellen via mail:
onder mijn eigen naam
Suzanne s_beenackers@hotmail.com
Betaling is vooraf via mijn privérekening, en overdracht op het station van Nijmegen.
Signeren gratis uiteraard!

Minimale bestelling € 10
Als je een bon wilt, moet je via de uitgeverij bestellen, en niet via mij.

Hieronder het oeuvre en de prijzen.
alle boeken zijn handzaam A5, behalve Het Boek Benjamin, dat is groot studieboek formaat (soft cover) dat je open moet leggen.

Het Boek Benjamin €45
Verzameld werk boek 1 t/m 8
Beschrijving boven, losse boeken beneden. 

1. Mango, een novelle  €15
Seksuele safari, van de jaren 80 tot de zero’s.
Een stoer, technisch meisje groeit op met alleen een moeder, in de roerige jaren 80. Roken is nog van alle leeftijden, drinken idem, en seks ook zolang je bestand bent tegen voorlichtingsfolders over aids waarbij het woord AIDS in bloedspatten is geschreven.
Dat blijkt helaas teveel van ‘t goede.
Vermengd met een verleden in Afrika, en een overleden vader, ontwikkelt deze arrogante tiener een angststoornis waar geen psycholoog haar bij kan helpen. Maar ze blijft aangetrokken tot mooie jongens en homoseksuele mannen.

2. Dutch American Diary (2008-2009) €15
Yoga teacher Lauren is in love with two men; One cunning wizard and one half her age.
 The affair was secret so Lauren called him; He Who Must Not Be Named. After the dark wizard in the Harry Potter series. She tried to get over this American but after a year she only has her mistakes to show for. Including dating an Israeli spy and a Buddhist photographer.
Now her wizard obsession is back full throttle and the next disaster has already emerged;  an attractive yoga student. Young enough to be her son.
Faced with nothing but diabolic choices, Lauren confides in her best friend; the warm and friendly Lara. Despite having the same nationality as He Who Must Not Be Named, and working at the same office coven, Lara seems to lack his foul nature.
Or does she?
Once you’ve read Dutch American Diary? You’ll never ever in your life make the mistake of messing with a yoga teacher. 
~Dutch American Diary part 1

3. 22 Erotische Verhalen €15
Literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin en Isabel Allende.
Ze komen en gaan; de kleurrijke personages in deze dromerige erotische wereld, waar ze je één verhaal lang deelgenoot maken van hun diepste verlangen en hun ergste pijn. Die vaker wel dan niet op magische wijze met elkaar verbonden blijken.
Grenzen worden genegeerd, lusten gebotvierd, wonden geheeld.
Sinds Anais Nin heeft geen schrijver zo onbevreesd het grijze gebied durven te betreden tussen het verbodene, het gruwelijke en het goddelijke. De lezer krijgt naast onversneden liefde en zinderende ontknopingen, ook een spiegel voorgehouden die je laat zien wat er zich afspeelt in de donkerste delen van je ziel. 

 4. LS Diary (2012-2013) €10
About three dark men and Lauren getting naked on stage. Not necessarily together.
 Being dark, smart, and handsome, a Dutch writer bears the characteristics Lauren only knows  too well. He looks exactly like her male muse and unwanted protagonist in the majority of her writing.
A published writer and sought-after talk show guest, the Dutch writer has succeeded where blogger Lauren is failing year after year. After year. She feels the weight of her unpublished manuscripts, and her failed attempts to become a writer. To make matters worse she already has one ill-natured stalker. As if the liabilities of being famous have preceded its benefits.
Lauren gets her shit together prioritizing her work, ignoring men, sex and stalkers. But will it work?  Star struck Lauren meets the celebrity in real life, and soon enough her supposedly highly efficient sex-free life includes a naked guest appearance on stage, a blow-job in a parking garage and a seven month relationship.
~LS Diary can be read as standalone or as Dutch American Diary part 2

5. De Candystop (2013) €10
Waar de Nederlandse literatuur tot stilstand komt door een Marokkaanse lekkernij.
Getergd door een rits onduidelijke medische klachten, besluit Lauren geen suiker meer te eten, geen Chardonnay meer te nemen, en geen latte macchiato’s meer te drinken.
Na een paar weken is ze zo apathisch dat ze zelfs vergeet te masturberen.
Tot een jonge Marokkaanse god op tv verschijnt die tegen Lauren zegt;
“LauRRRen! WakkeRRR woRRRden! Ik ben ook schRRRijveRRR en ik heb ook een leuk leven!”
Dat is zo. Sam doet de vier s’en. Hij schrijft, hij sport, hij sekst en hij slaapt.
Ineens weet Lauren nog steeds niet waar het naartoe moet met haar leven, maar ze is wel klaarwakker. Zeker als ze erachter komt, dat Sam binnen een week een optreden geeft bij haar om de hoek.
Sam doet haar denken aan een verboden relatie met haar leerling, iets waar ze gemengde gevoelens over heeft. Sam wil die best met haar onderzoeken, maar hij vraag een prijs…

6. Bedtime Stories (2014) €15
Facing her demons and her muse, Lauren’s sexual history gets its worthy finale.
Lauren is corresponding with Elliot, but somewhere between The Netherlands and Vegas, things have stranded. To get their project back on track Lauren resorts to strong measures: making the whole damn thing public.
Sharing eight months of her life, Lauren’s third diary reintroduces all popular characters, such as writer Rafael and his legendary mythical counterpart Benjamin. Young writer Sam and his ghost twin Valentino.
Closing the Dutch American Diary trilogy, the 1991 story lines are finally tied together. With an extremely satisfying ending. Although not in a way anyone saw coming.
 ~LS Diary can be read as standalone or as Dutch American Diary part 3

7. Mirage (2014) €5
Giving you a little dessert, with all gorgeous writers from previous books.
Lauren, the former hedonistic cougar, is home bound, mothering her little ones, sick with worry and about to get dumped by her lover. Together with autumn setting in, Lauren needs her annual Cute Writer Fix more than ever. And this year there’s five of them.
Including a lunch date with the most famous author of the Netherlands; her youth love Henry.
~Mirage can be read as standalone or as the epilogue to the Dutch American Diary trilogy.

8. Big, diaries & erotica (2015-2016)  €20
The crown to Lauren’s life; a secret affair with her Biggie.
Ten years and ten lovers have taught Lauren two things.
One: single life is a disaster.
And two: men suck at anal sex.
So when Mr.Big comes along and succeeds where all the others have failed, Lauren is euphoric. She immediately picks up her pen to write about it, and her first story is indeed called “The Biggie”, about his flawless performance.  
For two years Lauren documents her secret affair with the married business man. She writes about their explosive encounters, her unwavering love, and her powerful insights. Gradually, Lauren changes. From an scarred single, to a woman totally owning her worth and her true nature. Ten years after ending her relationship in order to explore love and sex in all their forms, Lauren Harteveld becomes the ultimate mistress.

los verkrijgbaar, niet in Het Boek Benjamin:

Witte Tijgerin €5
Gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie.
Een Witte Tijgerin is een alleenstaande, onafhankelijke vrouw. Haar contact met mannen is erop gericht dat ze er energie van krijgt. Stel je voor! Nooit meer gehannes met beginnende relaties die het toch nét niet zijn. Nooit meer die morning-after backlash. Geïnspireerd op het klassieke Taoïstische werk De Witte Tijgerin van Hsi Lai, onthult deze gids;
– hoe je de touwtjes in handen houdt
– hoe je je liefdesleven gebruikt voor je plezier
– hoe je met seks je jeugdigheid herstelt.
Hij zal niet kunnen wachten om weer met je af te spreken! 

 

Causing a Commotion

Published on by LS HarteveldLeave a comment

It wasn’t until the fourth screening of Bohemian Rhapsody, before Lauren understood why this 80’s bio-pic really hit home for her.
And it was something she never thought she’d share.

Maybe I failed to recognize the deeper layer because Bohemian Rhapsody is a feelgood movie.
Or maybe because Freddie Mercury’s sexuality was supposedly “downplayed”. As critics claimed who seemed to be looking for a posthumous outing of the star who never wanted to be seen as gay, or sick, during his life.
Or maybe because I simply saw my aids phobia as a thing from the past.
It had been rooted in a stay in Africa but I was basically talked into it by overly protective parents, and government funded sex education.

Although I hung in there for a couple of years, I broke at the age of 17 and hid in long-term relationships until I was way over thirty.
I worked through all these fears in my first book, the Dutch novel Mango.
Mango featured both the aids phobia, as well as making out with gay or bisexual boys in my mid-teens.
As if I had been magnetically drawn to the risks that scared me most.
Until at seventeen, and still a virgin, I gave up experimenting and turned away from exciting heterosexual or gay men. I had two long-term relationships with reliable, straight men.
For 17 long years.

So maybe it was because of all those things, that I didn’t see the reason I kept coming back to the theater for another dose of Bohemian Rhapsody.
But I had been deluded on all of those accounts.

First of all Bohemian Rhapsody is not merely a feelgood movie. It is the triumph of passion in the broadest sense of the word. And it shows it coming at the ultimate price.
Secondly Freddie Mercury’s sexuality is not “downplayed”.
There are two male-male kisses that moved me to my core. And we all know what core means in this sentence.

But most of all I was wrong about my lack of emotional baggage.
In fact, I now consider myself absolutely ignorant, on how two decades of fear and sexual hiding have turned me into the person I am today.
My anxiety, my phobia for aids, was never “one story” that could be neatly written up in one book, after I had become a liberated heterosexual single woman.

My lover Mr.Big pointed out a long time ago, how my aids phobia had put my sexuality under tremendous pressure, in my developing years. That it was the most logical explanation for my need for sex to be exciting and adventurous.
It wasn’t that I couldn’t enjoy normal sex. For the untrained eye at least.
I had that within the two long-term relationships.
But it was just NORMAL.

I always call my body “beginner-friendly”. It responds pretty easily. I’m good at turning myself on (by thinking of a more exciting setting) and I have orgasms easily. 
But having said all that, none of those long-term relationships, nor most of the shorter ones, came close to what I really wanted.
What I thought about when I masturbated.
What fascinated me.
Moved me to my core.
And we still know what core means in this sentence.

Someone once told me his mother taught him:
“When a woman says she’s okay, she never is.”
I was “okay” in the sense that I wasn’t having panic attacks.
But it wasn’t having the type of sex I really wanted. Which was dangerously close to being gang banged in a dark room, as far as I knew.
I had no idea because I never had the chance to explore.

After twelve years of being single, I am aware my sexuality is actually quite the opposite to having sex with strangers.
The key for me is that I want my partner or partners to be sexually audacious. I still don’t think I could handle my partner being exposed to risks the way gay men were in the eighties.
But I would definitely try, if that was the situation at hand.
I’ve always admired gay men for their zest for life. It is that entrepreneurial approach to sex that I require a partner to have. And I also need a partner to weave power play into sex, and role play with me.
Badly.
Which was the kink my lover was referring to.
“You’re so used to sex being this high-voltage thing; you simply don’t respond to normal sex.”
He was right.

Yet a monogamous, master-submissive like relationship would never satisfy me either.
I need a man to move freely in and out of my life.

Next to that I loved seeing male-male kissing, my fascination with gay men had also been fueled by the fact that they were usually promiscuous. When it could cost them their life.
In my opinion, then and now, it made gay men and gay relationships the absolute pinnacle of sexuality. They were like Gods.
And in the eighties there was another element that added to the status of gay men:
They had been unaware of the risks.
As Paul Gambaccini counts back, in the documentary Mercury Rising, there was a more than fair chance Freddie had already been infected long before anybody knew anything about the virus.
Which could explain why he seemed to take so many risks later in life.

I had been in my early teens when aids became known. So warnings for aids fit seamlessly into my sex education.
For better or worse.
But Freddie had been my parent’s age. He had been part of the gay scene since the late seventies. Freddie Mercury was never given a choice if he was willing to risk contracting hiv. It was too late for that.

However, my high voltage association with sex, which was rooted in a phobia for aids and my fascination for gay men, was still not the whole picture.
Although Bohemian Rhapsody did give me a shiver of excitement, to see that fear played out by one of those Gods of the eighties (Mercury!).
There was another aspect of myself, my personality, which I had never before connected to what happened in the eighties.
I could see it now.
And also: Why no one would ever agree with me on this.
I usually don’t talk about it because I don’t want to upset people, and also because I get tired of them talking back at me.
Like I’m some kind of moron.

I talk and write about everything… down to the most intimate thing.
But not about this. Here it comes:
It doesn’t matter how long you live.
Nor what you die of.
The ONLY thing that matters in life, is that you wake up, find your passion, and work it as if your life is depending on it.
Because it is.

If I had it my way, there would be government funded check-ins if you’re on track with living a life on purpose.
But routine pap smears, prostate checks, breast cancer checks would be discouraged.
I can see there would be families where hereditary illness would make it more urgent to do a screening. Or at least where the worry about getting your hereditary disease is already omnipresent, and where screening could bring some relief.
But in most cases we’re talking about, and “they” are offering screening to, perfectly healthy people. Or at least they’re blissfully unaware they’re ill, which to me is basically the same thing. And now they are suddenly pressed into thinking they’re running some kind of risk.
That they might…
Perhaps.
And if they’re early, then they could do something about it.
And in a flash! The HOLY MOTHER OF FUCKING CHRIST FLASH BEFORE MY EYES – I realized why I am so against this.
Why I find it an outrage screening is allowed and even government funded;
Because I believe it is destroying lives.
No.
Let me fucking rephrase it.
Because I KNOW it is destroying lives.
And the reason I know government funded “education” about the health risks is destroying lives, is because my life was destroyed.

They leaped at me and sunk their teeth into me when I was still a girl, and shook me until three years later I didn’t move anymore.
I played dead for 17 years and sneaked out when I was already thirty-four. No one thought I would get up and they were no longer actively holding me down.
Not with aids. Not with hiv cautionary tales.
I got out.
And before they found something in my pap smears. Thank God for that.
But I’m never going to give them anything, ever again. Least of all my trust.
The entire medical world, and everybody related to it, cannot be trusted. And not just when there is sexual morale involved, it’s much broader than that.

The reason I think everybody should find their passion and stop listening to health warnings is because I knew from experience doctors, parents, and educators, cannot be trusted with fear of death.
They’re all shockingly incapable of making risk assessments, the pros (the life, the lust, the passion) versus the cons in the form of risks.
And they don’t have to.
Because we, their patients, children or citizens of their nation, are more than happy to turn our lives in, in order to be safe.
Well go ahead.
Do it.
Let yourself be turned inside and out, and be checked for cancer. They will literally cut little pieces out of you.
And then bigger ones.
They will remove entire parts, physically or mentally as was the case with me.
But the strategy is always the same:
They will convince you that it’s better to live without your current habits, your organs, your infected bits – than it is to die.

I can see the pattern, and call them out on their bullshit because they successfully immobilized me for seventeen years.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m very happy with the excellent medication that’s currently available for hiv.
That’s great work.
And I do use condoms, and also take an std test when I switch partners to protect the next person that I’m with.
So I’m not saying that the medical world has not brought me anything. They have contributed to making the risks manageable even for someone as phobic as me.
So good work was done, eventually.

But in my case it came at the price of two decades of mental abuse disguised as concern for my health.
Freddie died in 1991, but he lived sexually free.
I didn’t live until 2006, when I slowly began the work of restoring my sexuality.
The reason I kept coming back to Bohemian Rhapsody, was because Freddie’s disease was what they had used to frighten me with, to manipulate me.
And now it was Freddie who showed me that I was right. Fear of death was indeed no basis for a life well lived.

The only thing that matters is how you live and then you can be anything you want to be.
Even Freddie fucking Mercury.

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

Causing a commotion is the thirty-first chapter from Project M. 

about “GLOW-UP 2026”

In January, Google has started pushing my old posts.
Unfortunately, my website was one of many casualties of WordPress Gugenheim software updates.
Meaning the layout of this post was completely destroyed and none of the new visitors was able to read it.

Therefor I have decided to run by all my old posts, starting with the ones currently in rotation, and give them a well-deserved update that will do what glow-ups are supposed to do;
Make them better.

—
Subscribe to this blog, and receive my current work.
The subscription button is on this page, most likely on the top right.

Books 

My diaries are available at LULU 
New books will be added.

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready,
is to subscribe to this blog.
Button on this page, probably on the top right.

Or follow my Facebook page
/ Twitter: @LSHarteveld

Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/

Where’s the party

Published on by LS HarteveldLeave a comment

It’s been weeks since Lauren has written, had sex, or has shown any other signs of being alive.

There was something comforting, in having saved that previous post about sex with my lover Mr.Big.
Soothing to read about what were probably the last days of summer, and I had picked a place in the shade on the terrace where I awaited him.
It gave a sense of normality and belonging, to read that I still had sex, just a few weeks ago. And when he had been there, with me.
Before he retreated to the familiar occasional text.
I couldn’t remember Mr.Big actually closing himself off, in the way my first lover had. Which was already a decade ago.
But I did always worry, that we weren’t an item anymore.
It was almost a pleasant worry though. A sensation the way children scare themselves thinking there’s something under the bed.
If he put me in low-maintenance mode, I would still get a text every two or three weeks.
A photo of something that reminded him of me.
Or a little joke.
It was a cute, but never an intimate message. Nor did he reveal something about himself or where he was in life. It was more a message you would send a friend, or maybe a casual date.
Not a mistress.
And I liked that.
Sometimes there was a follow up a few days later, where he’d ask me if I had time.
But usually it was just that little message; A reminder that he was still there and that he had not forgotten me.
And those were the messages I was currently on.
But this time, it was hitting me harder.
Maybe I was feeling a little more lonely, because of fall setting in. Or maybe because the other man I was in love with, Christopher, seemed to have moved out of my life for good.
After exciting developments which had actually kept me from writing, or at least in a too-close-to-home diary style, this second man I was in love with – and source of fantasy, sexual arousal, and even a reason to look after myself –  was gone.
The choice for his wife, which initially seemed to have wavered, was solid this time.
With Christopher out, it made Mr.Big’s casual manners with regard to our affair, more painful and less pleasurable.
Strangely enough, I had the feeling the unexpected departure of stay-over cat M. also had something to do with me feeling so asexual.
She had been picked up by my friends because the renovation from the housing corporation had unexpectedly started two months earlier.
Cutting our feline sleep-over arrangement short by one of even two months.
There was still no promise that I could keep her, because that would have been discussed at the end of the trial period.
Not at the end of a hasty leave.
I had given my friends my decision that I would love to have M. I was so attached to her. But they had not answered yet.
So because of this uncertainty of having her back, I didn’t know if her leave was permanent; Or if I was merely facing a few months without her.
And they would let me adopt her after the renovation.
Having a cat, and preferably cat M., seemed to be at the root of me feeling loved, stable, and ready to take on the world. Living without a cat, I felt naked.
And not in a sexy way.
In fact I felt completely asexual, ever since she had left.
Unstable.
And grateful that at least I had kept the notes that reminded me of better times.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

Where’s the party is the thirtieth chapter from Project M. 

Want to know if I can bring sexy back?
The subscribe button is somewhere on the right.
or follow Twitter ; or Facebook
NEW connect on Linkedin

BOOK SHOP
Gives a 25% discount on all prices
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

spotlight on:
Het Boek Benjamin
verzameld werk Engels en Nederlands
2006-2016

Een meisje vrijt met een jongen en een homoseksuele man. Naast het overweldigende verlangen, is ze zich hyperbewust van de risico’s. Zal haar lust het winnen van de angst?
Zo opent het magnum opus van LS Harteveld.
Na de coming of age novelle Mango, duik je in het dagboek van een yoga docent. En hier blijken de fictieve karakters uit Mango bestaande personen.
Benjamin keert zelfs boek na boek weer terug. Maar wat is de waarheid?
En wie is Benjamin?
Het laatste boek gaat over haar affaire met een getrouwde man die ze Mr. Big noemt.
Waardoor de vraag rijst; Is hij Benjamin?
Heeft LS Harteveld haar muze in bescherming genomen en zijn identiteit veranderd? Of heeft ze een nieuwe liefde gevonden? Een vrouw leunt over een tafel. Ze is naakt, op haar blinddoek na.
Haar minnaar rekt haar grenzen op tot het uiterste van wat nog passend is, in dit spel der geesten. Misschien gaat hij eroverheen, dat blijft in het midden. Maar 25 jaar na de eerste scene, is één ding duidelijk;
de lust heeft gewonnen.

Levering in Nederland

De goedkoopste manier om mijn werk te kopen is via de uitgeverij – 
In verband met problemen met de pakjesdiensten én mijn eigen postbus,
kan ik helaas geen boeken meer opsturen.
Maar ik heb ze nog wel.
Je kunt hier beneden de beschrijvingen lezen of mijn boeken
bekijken via de webwinkel en daarna bestellen via mail:
onder mijn eigen naam
Suzanne s_beenackers@hotmail.com
Betaling is vooraf via mijn privérekening, en overdracht op het station van Nijmegen.
Signeren gratis uiteraard!

Minimale bestelling € 10
Als je een bon wilt, moet je via de uitgeverij bestellen, en niet via mij.

Hieronder het oeuvre en de prijzen.
alle boeken zijn handzaam A5, behalve Het Boek Benjamin, dat is groot studieboek formaat (soft cover) dat je open moet leggen.

Het Boek Benjamin €45
Verzameld werk boek 1 t/m 8
Beschrijving boven, losse boeken beneden. 

1. Mango, een novelle  €15
Seksuele safari, van de jaren 80 tot de zero’s.
Een stoer, technisch meisje groeit op met alleen een moeder, in de roerige jaren 80. Roken is nog van alle leeftijden, drinken idem, en seks ook zolang je bestand bent tegen voorlichtingsfolders over aids waarbij het woord AIDS in bloedspatten is geschreven.
Dat blijkt helaas teveel van ‘t goede.
Vermengd met een verleden in Afrika, en een overleden vader, ontwikkelt deze arrogante tiener een angststoornis waar geen psycholoog haar bij kan helpen. Maar ze blijft aangetrokken tot mooie jongens en homoseksuele mannen.

2. Dutch American Diary (2008-2009) €15
Yoga teacher Lauren is in love with two men; One cunning wizard and one half her age.
 The affair was secret so Lauren called him; He Who Must Not Be Named. After the dark wizard in the Harry Potter series. She tried to get over this American but after a year she only has her mistakes to show for. Including dating an Israeli spy and a Buddhist photographer.
Now her wizard obsession is back full throttle and the next disaster has already emerged;  an attractive yoga student. Young enough to be her son.
Faced with nothing but diabolic choices, Lauren confides in her best friend; the warm and friendly Lara. Despite having the same nationality as He Who Must Not Be Named, and working at the same office coven, Lara seems to lack his foul nature.
Or does she?
Once you’ve read Dutch American Diary? You’ll never ever in your life make the mistake of messing with a yoga teacher. 
~Dutch American Diary part 1

3. 22 Erotische Verhalen €15
Literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin en Isabel Allende.
Ze komen en gaan; de kleurrijke personages in deze dromerige erotische wereld, waar ze je één verhaal lang deelgenoot maken van hun diepste verlangen en hun ergste pijn. Die vaker wel dan niet op magische wijze met elkaar verbonden blijken.
Grenzen worden genegeerd, lusten gebotvierd, wonden geheeld.
Sinds Anais Nin heeft geen schrijver zo onbevreesd het grijze gebied durven te betreden tussen het verbodene, het gruwelijke en het goddelijke. De lezer krijgt naast onversneden liefde en zinderende ontknopingen, ook een spiegel voorgehouden die je laat zien wat er zich afspeelt in de donkerste delen van je ziel. 

 4. LS Diary (2012-2013) €10
About three dark men and Lauren getting naked on stage. Not necessarily together.
 Being dark, smart, and handsome, a Dutch writer bears the characteristics Lauren only knows  too well. He looks exactly like her male muse and unwanted protagonist in the majority of her writing.
A published writer and sought-after talk show guest, the Dutch writer has succeeded where blogger Lauren is failing year after year. After year. She feels the weight of her unpublished manuscripts, and her failed attempts to become a writer. To make matters worse she already has one ill-natured stalker. As if the liabilities of being famous have preceded its benefits.
Lauren gets her shit together prioritizing her work, ignoring men, sex and stalkers. But will it work?  Star struck Lauren meets the celebrity in real life, and soon enough her supposedly highly efficient sex-free life includes a naked guest appearance on stage, a blow-job in a parking garage and a seven month relationship.
~LS Diary can be read as standalone or as Dutch American Diary part 2

5. De Candystop (2013) €10
Waar de Nederlandse literatuur tot stilstand komt door een Marokkaanse lekkernij.
Getergd door een rits onduidelijke medische klachten, besluit Lauren geen suiker meer te eten, geen Chardonnay meer te nemen, en geen latte macchiato’s meer te drinken.
Na een paar weken is ze zo apathisch dat ze zelfs vergeet te masturberen.
Tot een jonge Marokkaanse god op tv verschijnt die tegen Lauren zegt;
“LauRRRen! WakkeRRR woRRRden! Ik ben ook schRRRijveRRR en ik heb ook een leuk leven!”
Dat is zo. Sam doet de vier s’en. Hij schrijft, hij sport, hij sekst en hij slaapt.
Ineens weet Lauren nog steeds niet waar het naartoe moet met haar leven, maar ze is wel klaarwakker. Zeker als ze erachter komt, dat Sam binnen een week een optreden geeft bij haar om de hoek.
Sam doet haar denken aan een verboden relatie met haar leerling, iets waar ze gemengde gevoelens over heeft. Sam wil die best met haar onderzoeken, maar hij vraag een prijs…

6. Bedtime Stories (2014) €15
Facing her demons and her muse, Lauren’s sexual history gets its worthy finale.
Lauren is corresponding with Elliot, but somewhere between The Netherlands and Vegas, things have stranded. To get their project back on track Lauren resorts to strong measures: making the whole damn thing public.
Sharing eight months of her life, Lauren’s third diary reintroduces all popular characters, such as writer Rafael and his legendary mythical counterpart Benjamin. Young writer Sam and his ghost twin Valentino.
Closing the Dutch American Diary trilogy, the 1991 story lines are finally tied together. With an extremely satisfying ending. Although not in a way anyone saw coming.
 ~LS Diary can be read as standalone or as Dutch American Diary part 3

7. Mirage (2014) €5
Giving you a little dessert, with all gorgeous writers from previous books.
Lauren, the former hedonistic cougar, is home bound, mothering her little ones, sick with worry and about to get dumped by her lover. Together with autumn setting in, Lauren needs her annual Cute Writer Fix more than ever. And this year there’s five of them.
Including a lunch date with the most famous author of the Netherlands; her youth love Henry.
~Mirage can be read as standalone or as the epilogue to the Dutch American Diary trilogy.

8. Big, diaries & erotica (2015-2016)  €20
The crown to Lauren’s life; a secret affair with her Biggie.
Ten years and ten lovers have taught Lauren two things.
One: single life is a disaster.
And two: men suck at anal sex.
So when Mr.Big comes along and succeeds where all the others have failed, Lauren is euphoric. She immediately picks up her pen to write about it, and her first story is indeed called “The Biggie”, about his flawless performance.  
For two years Lauren documents her secret affair with the married business man. She writes about their explosive encounters, her unwavering love, and her powerful insights. Gradually, Lauren changes. From an scarred single, to a woman totally owning her worth and her true nature. Ten years after ending her relationship in order to explore love and sex in all their forms, Lauren Harteveld becomes the ultimate mistress.

los verkrijgbaar, niet in Het Boek Benjamin:

Witte Tijgerin €5
Gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie.
Een Witte Tijgerin is een alleenstaande, onafhankelijke vrouw. Haar contact met mannen is erop gericht dat ze er energie van krijgt. Stel je voor! Nooit meer gehannes met beginnende relaties die het toch nét niet zijn. Nooit meer die morning-after backlash. Geïnspireerd op het klassieke Taoïstische werk De Witte Tijgerin van Hsi Lai, onthult deze gids;
– hoe je de touwtjes in handen houdt
– hoe je je liefdesleven gebruikt voor je plezier
– hoe je met seks je jeugdigheid herstelt.
Hij zal niet kunnen wachten om weer met je af te spreken! 

 

Look of Love

Published on by LS HarteveldLeave a comment

It’s weekend and Lauren’s finally getting lucky. 

Sunglasses and black hair which I knew held single strands of grey. But I couldn’t see that from afar.
He was wearing dark jeans and a high quality white shirt with rolled up sleeves.
I had picked a table in the shadow.
He was looking so handsome I hoped this wasn’t one of those platonic dates, which did spice things up quite a bit. To never know in advance.
When I told him this, after sex, that I was never certain if we would have sex, he said:
“I m never sure either. Sometimes you have your reasons too.”
We had only made love on my period once, which had been the first time we fucked.
It’s an ugly word in this context, but the reason I’m using it, is that we already had a date which had unexpectedly turned so hot I ended up giving a blowjob, and I think he must have fingered me.
I know we didn’t have oral on me, because I didn’t want that with a man I hardly knew.
I had come in for some kissing and cuddling!
And I also know we didn’t fuck because that was definitely a big no-no for me, on well not exactly our first date.
But I knew so little about him.
And if I had known more, it would not have convinced me having sex with this married business man in his forties was a good idea.
He was a player!
With his condo in the city, which he kept on as a real estate investment.
I never responded when people commented it was impossible for his wife not to know he was having sex with me. But I agreed on general terms:
That she knew he had other women.
Not because of the obvious things, like lipstick marks or anything.
But because of the condo.
Of course she knew he had every opportunity.
That she knew, was one of the things I liked about her.
By allowing him space, which he had claimed quite literally in the form of keeping on his bachelor apartment, he could be there for her on other moments.
But I was still intimidated by him.
By his playing not hard to get, but hard to love.
He seemed to separate love, which was home, from sex, which was presumably everybody else.
I didn’t want to fuck him at the first opportunity, for multiple reasons really. Obviously I thought I would get hurt. And that it wouldn’t hurt as bad if we hadn’t “really” had sex.
Maybe I was also afraid he’d lose interest in me if I had sex too soon.
To this day I don’t know if my fate would have been any different if I had not been so intimidated, and had sex sooner.
Very well possible.
It wasn’t a game that I contained myself, and refrained for the most part. And I did give him a blowjob but not before he had made it safe sex friendly, after my initial refusal.
“Okay, and what if we use a condom?” he had asked.
I felt my fear and resistance melt, and looked forward to doing it, actually.
“Great!”
It was one of the many things I appreciated about him. He never took refusals personally, he just tried to figure out what was bothering you, so he could help you overcome it.
Which was of course exactly what made him so dangerous.
Anyway, after that first sexual date, the first time we were together I was on my period. The desire for each other was excruciating by now and to make the decision to fuck even more of a no brainer, I also had a cold and couldn’t breathe through my nose.
So “only” giving him a blowjob was out of the question, this time.
I was heavily on my period, yet this was going to be The Day.
I had liked the drama of it. All the blood on our first time.
And it had been a great success. His cock and my pussy had been magnetic, that’s how flawless it was. 
We used condoms of course, we still do. But his hard-on had been blood and interruption resistant, and it had been pulled to my pussy like magic.
It just slid right in..
But despite the promising start, I had declined sex ever since, if I was in my period.
At the time, he and his wife were either separated temporarily or wouldn’t see each other for a couple of days.
I can’t remember the details.
And we had been at my house.
So it wasn’t just the excitement of having sex for the first time, which explained why we had had period sex then, but not after.
We usually didn’t have time nor opportunity, for messy encounters. Staining sheets and towels. Or even clothes.
We always made sure he stayed fresh and clean. I didn’t even wear makeup or perfume when I saw him.
So my lover was right.
He too, could never be certain that we would have sex.
I could be the one saying No.
And then if we were having sex? Then there was the thing about anal sex. Which was hardy ever ideal, really. I don’t like cleaning the inside out with water, like an anal douche. I have no idea if you know that exists, but it exists.
It gives me diarrhea.
I ve seen quite a few promising occasions fall to pieces that way, I can say.
So we re dependent on what nature gives us.
But sometimes I do want it, but I’m not sure if it’s a good day. 
And then I get into this strange conversation where I do try to warn him, but without scaring him off.
And then he’ll say, just to check: “But you do want it?”
God yes.
That’s the key to anal sex, to me. That he assures me we’ll be alright. Don’t panic.
We did go to his condo, ultimately. And we did have one of those days where we took anal sex as far as I dared to go. 
Which ultimately, left me so hungry for more.
We had sex multiple times, it really wasn’t a quickie.
We even had a nap. Or he did. I lay in his arms and soaked up his presence. The warmth of his embrace, the breath in my hair. The sweet words and the comforting murmuring he uttered, if we shifted a bit.
I looked around, and tried to remember everything about that moment.
The red room.
The first dates had been in the living and I had inquired if “that” was his bedroom, behind that door, and he had said yes.
“But you’re only allowed to go in there if you’re completely naked.”
And that’s how it had happened.
It wasn’t until later that I realized how many women had been here when he had been a bachelor. And still..
It aroused me to think I wasn’t the only one, but it also scared me.
That’s when the condo, but especially the bedroom started to intimidate me. As if I didn’t belong there.
With my open heart, my nerves. Not even with my horniness, my desire to give up control completely.
I didn’t feel I could play at that level of whatever it was the games were played there.
Like I was a little bunny in the lair of the lion.
And yet I was aware that I was the one there, lying in the arms of this charismatic man, in the bedroom with the red walls and the high ceiling.
And I had been here for over three and a half years.
Feeling completely safe and loved.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

Look of Love is the twenty-ninth chapter from Project M. 

Want to know what happens next?
The subscribe button is somewhere on the right.
or follow Twitter ; or Facebook
NEW connect on Linkedin

BOOK SHOP
Gives a 25% discount on all prices
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

spotlight on:
Het Boek Benjamin
verzameld werk Engels en Nederlands
2006-2016

Een meisje vrijt met een jongen en een homoseksuele man. Naast het overweldigende verlangen, is ze zich hyperbewust van de risico’s. Zal haar lust het winnen van de angst?
Zo opent het magnum opus van LS Harteveld.
Na de coming of age novelle Mango, duik je in het dagboek van een yoga docent. En hier blijken de fictieve karakters uit Mango bestaande personen.
Benjamin keert zelfs boek na boek weer terug. Maar wat is de waarheid?
En wie is Benjamin?
Het laatste boek gaat over haar affaire met een getrouwde man die ze Mr. Big noemt.
Waardoor de vraag rijst; Is hij Benjamin?
Heeft LS Harteveld haar muze in bescherming genomen en zijn identiteit veranderd? Of heeft ze een nieuwe liefde gevonden? Een vrouw leunt over een tafel. Ze is naakt, op haar blinddoek na.
Haar minnaar rekt haar grenzen op tot het uiterste van wat nog passend is, in dit spel der geesten. Misschien gaat hij eroverheen, dat blijft in het midden. Maar 25 jaar na de eerste scene, is één ding duidelijk;
de lust heeft gewonnen.

Levering in Nederland

De goedkoopste manier om mijn werk te kopen is via de uitgeverij – 
In verband met problemen met de pakjesdiensten én mijn eigen postbus,
kan ik helaas geen boeken meer opsturen.
Maar ik heb ze nog wel.
Je kunt hier beneden de beschrijvingen lezen of mijn boeken
bekijken via de webwinkel en daarna bestellen via mail:
onder mijn eigen naam
Suzanne s_beenackers@hotmail.com
Betaling is vooraf via mijn privérekening, en overdracht op het station van Nijmegen.
Signeren gratis uiteraard!

Minimale bestelling € 10
Als je een bon wilt, moet je via de uitgeverij bestellen, en niet via mij.

Hieronder het oeuvre en de prijzen.
alle boeken zijn handzaam A5, behalve Het Boek Benjamin, dat is groot studieboek formaat (soft cover) dat je open moet leggen.

Het Boek Benjamin €45
Verzameld werk boek 1 t/m 8
Beschrijving boven, losse boeken beneden. 

1. Mango, een novelle  €15
Seksuele safari, van de jaren 80 tot de zero’s.
Een stoer, technisch meisje groeit op met alleen een moeder, in de roerige jaren 80. Roken is nog van alle leeftijden, drinken idem, en seks ook zolang je bestand bent tegen voorlichtingsfolders over aids waarbij het woord AIDS in bloedspatten is geschreven.
Dat blijkt helaas teveel van ‘t goede.
Vermengd met een verleden in Afrika, en een overleden vader, ontwikkelt deze arrogante tiener een angststoornis waar geen psycholoog haar bij kan helpen. Maar ze blijft aangetrokken tot mooie jongens en homoseksuele mannen.

2. Dutch American Diary (2008-2009) €15
Yoga teacher Lauren is in love with two men; One cunning wizard and one half her age.
 The affair was secret so Lauren called him; He Who Must Not Be Named. After the dark wizard in the Harry Potter series. She tried to get over this American but after a year she only has her mistakes to show for. Including dating an Israeli spy and a Buddhist photographer.
Now her wizard obsession is back full throttle and the next disaster has already emerged;  an attractive yoga student. Young enough to be her son.
Faced with nothing but diabolic choices, Lauren confides in her best friend; the warm and friendly Lara. Despite having the same nationality as He Who Must Not Be Named, and working at the same office coven, Lara seems to lack his foul nature.
Or does she?
Once you’ve read Dutch American Diary? You’ll never ever in your life make the mistake of messing with a yoga teacher. 
~Dutch American Diary part 1

3. 22 Erotische Verhalen €15
Literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin en Isabel Allende.
Ze komen en gaan; de kleurrijke personages in deze dromerige erotische wereld, waar ze je één verhaal lang deelgenoot maken van hun diepste verlangen en hun ergste pijn. Die vaker wel dan niet op magische wijze met elkaar verbonden blijken.
Grenzen worden genegeerd, lusten gebotvierd, wonden geheeld.
Sinds Anais Nin heeft geen schrijver zo onbevreesd het grijze gebied durven te betreden tussen het verbodene, het gruwelijke en het goddelijke. De lezer krijgt naast onversneden liefde en zinderende ontknopingen, ook een spiegel voorgehouden die je laat zien wat er zich afspeelt in de donkerste delen van je ziel. 

 4. LS Diary (2012-2013) €10
About three dark men and Lauren getting naked on stage. Not necessarily together.
 Being dark, smart, and handsome, a Dutch writer bears the characteristics Lauren only knows  too well. He looks exactly like her male muse and unwanted protagonist in the majority of her writing.
A published writer and sought-after talk show guest, the Dutch writer has succeeded where blogger Lauren is failing year after year. After year. She feels the weight of her unpublished manuscripts, and her failed attempts to become a writer. To make matters worse she already has one ill-natured stalker. As if the liabilities of being famous have preceded its benefits.
Lauren gets her shit together prioritizing her work, ignoring men, sex and stalkers. But will it work?  Star struck Lauren meets the celebrity in real life, and soon enough her supposedly highly efficient sex-free life includes a naked guest appearance on stage, a blow-job in a parking garage and a seven month relationship.
~LS Diary can be read as standalone or as Dutch American Diary part 2

5. De Candystop (2013) €10
Waar de Nederlandse literatuur tot stilstand komt door een Marokkaanse lekkernij.
Getergd door een rits onduidelijke medische klachten, besluit Lauren geen suiker meer te eten, geen Chardonnay meer te nemen, en geen latte macchiato’s meer te drinken.
Na een paar weken is ze zo apathisch dat ze zelfs vergeet te masturberen.
Tot een jonge Marokkaanse god op tv verschijnt die tegen Lauren zegt;
“LauRRRen! WakkeRRR woRRRden! Ik ben ook schRRRijveRRR en ik heb ook een leuk leven!”
Dat is zo. Sam doet de vier s’en. Hij schrijft, hij sport, hij sekst en hij slaapt.
Ineens weet Lauren nog steeds niet waar het naartoe moet met haar leven, maar ze is wel klaarwakker. Zeker als ze erachter komt, dat Sam binnen een week een optreden geeft bij haar om de hoek.
Sam doet haar denken aan een verboden relatie met haar leerling, iets waar ze gemengde gevoelens over heeft. Sam wil die best met haar onderzoeken, maar hij vraag een prijs…

6. Bedtime Stories (2014) €15
Facing her demons and her muse, Lauren’s sexual history gets its worthy finale.
Lauren is corresponding with Elliot, but somewhere between The Netherlands and Vegas, things have stranded. To get their project back on track Lauren resorts to strong measures: making the whole damn thing public.
Sharing eight months of her life, Lauren’s third diary reintroduces all popular characters, such as writer Rafael and his legendary mythical counterpart Benjamin. Young writer Sam and his ghost twin Valentino.
Closing the Dutch American Diary trilogy, the 1991 story lines are finally tied together. With an extremely satisfying ending. Although not in a way anyone saw coming.
 ~LS Diary can be read as standalone or as Dutch American Diary part 3

7. Mirage (2014) €5
Giving you a little dessert, with all gorgeous writers from previous books.
Lauren, the former hedonistic cougar, is home bound, mothering her little ones, sick with worry and about to get dumped by her lover. Together with autumn setting in, Lauren needs her annual Cute Writer Fix more than ever. And this year there’s five of them.
Including a lunch date with the most famous author of the Netherlands; her youth love Henry.
~Mirage can be read as standalone or as the epilogue to the Dutch American Diary trilogy.

8. Big, diaries & erotica (2015-2016)  €20
The crown to Lauren’s life; a secret affair with her Biggie.
Ten years and ten lovers have taught Lauren two things.
One: single life is a disaster.
And two: men suck at anal sex.
So when Mr.Big comes along and succeeds where all the others have failed, Lauren is euphoric. She immediately picks up her pen to write about it, and her first story is indeed called “The Biggie”, about his flawless performance.  
For two years Lauren documents her secret affair with the married business man. She writes about their explosive encounters, her unwavering love, and her powerful insights. Gradually, Lauren changes. From an scarred single, to a woman totally owning her worth and her true nature. Ten years after ending her relationship in order to explore love and sex in all their forms, Lauren Harteveld becomes the ultimate mistress.

los verkrijgbaar, niet in Het Boek Benjamin:

Witte Tijgerin €5
Gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie.
Een Witte Tijgerin is een alleenstaande, onafhankelijke vrouw. Haar contact met mannen is erop gericht dat ze er energie van krijgt. Stel je voor! Nooit meer gehannes met beginnende relaties die het toch nét niet zijn. Nooit meer die morning-after backlash. Geïnspireerd op het klassieke Taoïstische werk De Witte Tijgerin van Hsi Lai, onthult deze gids;
– hoe je de touwtjes in handen houdt
– hoe je je liefdesleven gebruikt voor je plezier
– hoe je met seks je jeugdigheid herstelt.
Hij zal niet kunnen wachten om weer met je af te spreken! 

 

paradise | The Mistress Speaks episode 4

Published on by LS HarteveldLeave a comment

Even though I call myself a diarist, and a sex writer, it is especially in describing sex with Mr.Big that I feel ineloquent. Incapable of sharing the meaning these moments have for me.
I am aware the reason I feel this good is partially because I always make sure I m in the right mood, and have a positive mindset when we meet.
But the reason our entire affair is so lovely, is also thanks to him, as well.
How he, specifically with me, behaves.
They say in war neutrality is not an accomplishment. It is a favor. The other countries must allow for it. Naturally, the country which aspires to be neutral cannot be aggressive, and has to be diplomatic.
But if your location is on a strategic position within the battle field, or the resources of your country are vital for the course of the war, then you will be sucked into it.
No favors for you.
It is only when other countries benefit from you being neutral, that you will get that position.
As soon as Mr.Big realized I would never bring any negativity into our relationship – only support, love, and admiration – I got only his best side too.
There was an article today, on top ten things that blew up your relationship.
Whining was a big one, and sitting in sweat pants on the couch.
And in one of those ten things, I can’t remember which one but that’s because it could have been any of them, it stressed something like:
“Or he’ll be very susceptible to that bimbo who will want to admire his penis three times a day.” 
I almost got heart eyes on the spot, at the thought that I would be allowed to admire his penis three times a day! Clearly I was that bimbo, who was eager to give your man what you were withholding.
I resisted the urge to leave a provocative comment, that these bimbos indeed existed and were happy to take him, if you weren’t taking proper care of him.
But ironically?
You really can’t prevent a man from cheating by behaving in a different way. So from that perspective you can behave as poorly as you want.
The result will be the same.
Either he isn’t a cheater, and then he won’t.
Or he is and then he will.
And some of the latter are the ones with mistresses, which are long-term arrangements with the same woman.
But these could still be simple sexual arrangements. Something with a low-cost emotional investment.
Personally?
I m not interested in those.
I mean, he can feel as little or as much as he wants for me. But I want to be swept of my feet, and be head over heels in love. I m not interested in having my sex life taken care of in a carefree manner, by sleeping with a married man.
Taking care of my sex life is not a priority for me.
Being in love is.
So narrowing it down to the men who have mistresses, you can go even further, to the men who love, or have, two women.
A wife, as well as a mistress who in this case is not a low key arrangement.
He may not have realized this at the beginning, and he certainly will not have set out for it, but the truth is that he not only loves them both;
The two women also represent two totally different sides of himself.
The husband en the rebel.
He can’t choose without denying half of his personality.
Just like there is a huge difference between a mistress by default – which is a woman who is temporarily a mistress, but is ultimately only interested in having him for herself.
And the real mistress; Who understands this peculiar relationship form is actually in her benefit. That it hits on her kinks for secrecy, feeling special, and only having quality time.
The same goes for the cheater.
There are those for whom a mistress will be a temporary situation, until he makes up his mind choosing either for his wife or for the mistress, who will be his new wife.
And there are men who will never be fulfilled with one woman. 
They can make themselves choose, but it will start all over again.
Anyway: I see I made a mistake.
I said you couldn’t prevent a man from having a mistress, by behaving like his ideal wife. And by refraining from the ten super stupid things you can do to blow up your relationship.
You can prevent it, but only if it’s a man who wants to replace you.
You can’t if he’s a real cheater, in any way shape or form.
It’s as simple as that.
But I opened by saying that part of the reason sex with him feels so good, is because I have the right mindset. And I don’t do those ten stupid things that blow up your relationship.
The moment I can feel myself getting accusatory, I immediately correct myself. Because this is not who I want to be. I want to view everything he does with the curiosity and adoration, the same way I would like to admire his penis three times a day.
And it’s that attitude that not only makes me a great mistress for myself – because I don’t come even near that dark self-righteous corner of the mind when we’re together – but it also makes me a great mistress for him.
He really could be that country at war with everybody else, but that I’m his peaceful paradise.
Everything is perfect here. Everything admired. Everything loved.
And in giving that to him, I m also giving that to myself.
No wonder the moments and the sex we share, are so magical.
And that I can’t find words.

~The Mistress

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Who’s that Girl?

Published on by LS HarteveldLeave a comment
Fresh and young. This is who I think I am.

Quitting her career in yoga,       
has left Lauren craving for some guidance on who she really is.
And she’s in for a surprise.

This is how it’s going to be.
A new start. A new me.
And a different way to write: On my offline computer which is two decades old.
But my God does this feel good.

I often compare the different stages of my life, my emotional states, to feeling sick. Right before you throw up it’s the worst of the worst.
But then after you vomit you feel so relieved and you think:
“That was it already?”
Or maybe if you’re more poetic you prefer the saying:
The darkest hour is right before the dawn.

My darkest hour was indeed before the dawn, although it’s been two weeks now. My decision to quit my business was followed by 48 hours of disintegration. Like Brad Pitt’s transformation in Interview with the Vampire:
He fell into a state that was somewhere between a psychotic delirium, and coming down from crack. Before he was reborn a vampire.
And before I was reborn a writer.
More beautiful, stronger, and living on different things.
That’s how I was reborn, all fresh and new.
Just that Brad Pitt seemed to be more stable!
“That’s because in reality we move in and out of seeing the vision of our new life,” my coach Sara said. “Sometimes it’s foggy.”

But the weirdest thing is forgetting to tap into it.
ALL you have to do to feel better is see the future: Just to lift your head and look straight ahead.
Yet instead I’ve been looking down a lot lately.

Although it’s not all negative. It seems to be my way of letting go of the old, and preparing for the new alike. I do this by going through all my stuff, and my archives in particular.
Even the admin I’ve neglected since July, which was when I realized reorganizing my business was not going to be as smooth as I thought it would be. And that maybe I didn’t want any of it, anymore.
That messy box of archived admin, that had been accumulating for the last months, was suddenly appealing to go through. And I’ve also cleared out my yoga stuff.
Everything that was part of my past, my job, my identity.

I even realized my initial love for yoga, which started in 1998, was never going to come back. It was just a dream that quitting teaching would magically turn back the clock and restore yoga to what I perceived it to be, before I took an official training.
After twenty years yoga had died on me.
I got inspired to start cycling. Which was actually my form of exercise pre-yoga, as well as pre-gym.
From my 12th to my 18th I cycled to school. Two forty minute bike rides. And it kept me a small size 6.
The only reason I started gaining weight in my late teens was because I started doing fitness. It was all muscle.
So now I’m taking hour long bike rides.

I told my coach Sara that I feel sadder about losing my business, than about losing yoga. And she specified that it was the freedom teaching yoga had brought me. It had allowed me ample time to write.
Now there were two ways in which I could continue being a writer:
Either I could get a real job.
And this would discharge me from creating content, being active on social media, selling books, promoting myself. I could focus fully on creative writing, and didn’t have to do any of the business stuff.
OR
I could invest that time I would normally spend with an employer, running my own business. And start making money as a writer.
I was definitely all for option 2. At the very least, before I would assume I couldn’t make a living from writing books.

Sara made a suggestion.
And she did it as if it was something I could be taking the wrong way. Like a lewd, indecent proposal.
“In order to hold this vision, some people – and I have no idea if this speaks to you – but they make like a collage. Of where they want to go.”
“You mean a vision board!”  I yelled.
Sara was not too keen on using that word but yes. A vision board.
“I’ll be right back Sara!”  I shouted at our Zoom connection as I rushed out of my study. I came back with my vision board, that I had in my bed room. I had refreshed it a few days ago.

Eager to show her that I had been very active, I started to explain all the things on it.
Such as a daily schedule which included sleeping in;
An hour of soothing archiving and sorting through clippings;
Daily housekeeping which I found the most powerful mindset work imaginable. I actually used the words “mental spa”!
And the schedule contained second breakfast.
“I think every schedule should include second breakfast,” I said to Sara. “It’s probably the most important meal of the day. Mine is French toast.”

I was still dreaming of how beautiful life is, if you can have daily French toast at ten. (eggy bread in UK English, and wentelteefjes in Dutch) when Sara said she now understood even better why I didn’t have a desire to learn how to write.
Nor a desire to read, in order to become a better writer.
She had already explained to me that there were so many types of writers. From marketing writers to text book writers. So that it was a broad term.
But I told her, that although I knew that, I was still shocked by how many writers, who I did or had considered like-minded souls, were concerned with learning how to write.

I was of the opinion that a real writer needed to UNLEARN, undo, to go back to the ultimate basics of keeping life as simple as possible.
Not cram your mind with what others think, have written, or anything.
I was a firm believer in uneducating yourself, and taking in as little writing or opinions of others as you could. It baffled me that every writer I knew, seemed to disagree!
They were all keen to get approved by readers, publishers, critics. And they spent their lives getting better at the skill of writing.
Yet I was a hundred percent convinced I was right.
And I would never change my mind.

A writer’s job was to not pay attention to anything but their inner world. Where my mind now drifted back to how sweet life was when your second breakfast consisted of French toast.
“I have mine with lots of sugar and cinnamon, Sara,” I brought the conversation back to what really made me tick. Apparently even talking about learning how to write drained me.
“They’re so good! And I bake them in real butter. Lots of it.”

Sara smiled and she tried to bring my attention back to what she had discovered on my vision board. Next to my ideal day, it contained a poster I had created that said Sleep yourself thin;
A collage of photos of me, or that inspired me, all taken in London.
And it held two A4 laminated posters, both with the header “365 days”, and each had about ten photos of Sharon Stone, playing the stunning and most likely murderous Catherine Tramell, in Basic Instinct 2.

Mysterious and not to be trusted. This is who I really am.

“Basic Instinct 2 was also filmed in London,” I told Sara, explaining the connection between all the photos. “Three people saw that movie. Including me.”
And then I started telling Sara that the entirely fictional character of novelist Catherine Tramell from Basic Instinct 1 and 2, was my writer idol. Because she was just soo wicked!
And well dressed.

“She’s so mysterious!”  I yelled. “And she can NOT be trusted, Sara!”
As if Sara would run into Catherine on her way to the grocery store.

Sara kept pointing at my board.
“That’s not a typical writer’s board,” she said.
Which surprised me. I had never thought about it like that. I didn’t even know what a typical writer’s board would look like..
“There are no people there sitting at their desks. Typing.”
Sara was right. There weren’t.

And in over a decade, I had never owned any vision board that contained those things. Nor had my vision board ever had pictures of real life writers, nor any pictures of books. Nothing like that. I agreed with Sara that it was indeed odd that my vision board didn’t hold anything related to writing.
“You’re more like a performance artist,” Sara said. “That’s why you need to be alone and why you spend so much time cleaning your house and sorting through all your things.
You need to clear the way, so that you can be in that energy of being mysterious.
The energy of being that person.”

What Sara was telling me was that I had never quit my yoga studio to set up my career in writing.
But to become intriguing, fascinating, and Someone Who Cannot Be Trusted.
More beautiful.
Stronger.

And living on different things.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

Who’s that Girl is the twenty-eight chapter from Project M. 

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Gives a 25% discount on all prices
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
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spotlight on:
Het Boek Benjamin
verzameld werk Engels en Nederlands
2006-2016

Een meisje vrijt met een jongen en een homoseksuele man. Naast het overweldigende verlangen, is ze zich hyperbewust van de risico’s. Zal haar lust het winnen van de angst?
Zo opent het magnum opus van LS Harteveld.
Na de coming of age novelle Mango, duik je in het dagboek van een yoga docent. En hier blijken de fictieve karakters uit Mango bestaande personen.
Benjamin keert zelfs boek na boek weer terug. Maar wat is de waarheid?
En wie is Benjamin?
Het laatste boek gaat over haar affaire met een getrouwde man die ze Mr. Big noemt.
Waardoor de vraag rijst; Is hij Benjamin?
Heeft LS Harteveld haar muze in bescherming genomen en zijn identiteit veranderd? Of heeft ze een nieuwe liefde gevonden? Een vrouw leunt over een tafel. Ze is naakt, op haar blinddoek na.
Haar minnaar rekt haar grenzen op tot het uiterste van wat nog passend is, in dit spel der geesten. Misschien gaat hij eroverheen, dat blijft in het midden. Maar 25 jaar na de eerste scene, is één ding duidelijk;
de lust heeft gewonnen.

Levering in Nederland

De goedkoopste manier om mijn werk te kopen is via de uitgeverij – 
In verband met problemen met de pakjesdiensten én mijn eigen postbus,
kan ik helaas geen boeken meer opsturen.
Maar ik heb ze nog wel.
Je kunt hier beneden de beschrijvingen lezen of mijn boeken
bekijken via de webwinkel en daarna bestellen via mail:
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Als je een bon wilt, moet je via de uitgeverij bestellen, en niet via mij.

Hieronder het oeuvre en de prijzen.
alle boeken zijn handzaam A5, behalve Het Boek Benjamin, dat is groot studieboek formaat (soft cover) dat je open moet leggen.

Het Boek Benjamin €45
Verzameld werk boek 1 t/m 8
Beschrijving boven, losse boeken beneden. 

1. Mango, een novelle  €15
Seksuele safari, van de jaren 80 tot de zero’s.
Een stoer, technisch meisje groeit op met alleen een moeder, in de roerige jaren 80. Roken is nog van alle leeftijden, drinken idem, en seks ook zolang je bestand bent tegen voorlichtingsfolders over aids waarbij het woord AIDS in bloedspatten is geschreven.
Dat blijkt helaas teveel van ‘t goede.
Vermengd met een verleden in Afrika, en een overleden vader, ontwikkelt deze arrogante tiener een angststoornis waar geen psycholoog haar bij kan helpen. Maar ze blijft aangetrokken tot mooie jongens en homoseksuele mannen.

2. Dutch American Diary (2008-2009) €15
Yoga teacher Lauren is in love with two men; One cunning wizard and one half her age.
 The affair was secret so Lauren called him; He Who Must Not Be Named. After the dark wizard in the Harry Potter series. She tried to get over this American but after a year she only has her mistakes to show for. Including dating an Israeli spy and a Buddhist photographer.
Now her wizard obsession is back full throttle and the next disaster has already emerged;  an attractive yoga student. Young enough to be her son.
Faced with nothing but diabolic choices, Lauren confides in her best friend; the warm and friendly Lara. Despite having the same nationality as He Who Must Not Be Named, and working at the same office coven, Lara seems to lack his foul nature.
Or does she?
Once you’ve read Dutch American Diary? You’ll never ever in your life make the mistake of messing with a yoga teacher. 
~Dutch American Diary part 1

3. 22 Erotische Verhalen €15
Literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin en Isabel Allende.
Ze komen en gaan; de kleurrijke personages in deze dromerige erotische wereld, waar ze je één verhaal lang deelgenoot maken van hun diepste verlangen en hun ergste pijn. Die vaker wel dan niet op magische wijze met elkaar verbonden blijken.
Grenzen worden genegeerd, lusten gebotvierd, wonden geheeld.
Sinds Anais Nin heeft geen schrijver zo onbevreesd het grijze gebied durven te betreden tussen het verbodene, het gruwelijke en het goddelijke. De lezer krijgt naast onversneden liefde en zinderende ontknopingen, ook een spiegel voorgehouden die je laat zien wat er zich afspeelt in de donkerste delen van je ziel. 

 4. LS Diary (2012-2013) €10
About three dark men and Lauren getting naked on stage. Not necessarily together.
 Being dark, smart, and handsome, a Dutch writer bears the characteristics Lauren only knows  too well. He looks exactly like her male muse and unwanted protagonist in the majority of her writing.
A published writer and sought-after talk show guest, the Dutch writer has succeeded where blogger Lauren is failing year after year. After year. She feels the weight of her unpublished manuscripts, and her failed attempts to become a writer. To make matters worse she already has one ill-natured stalker. As if the liabilities of being famous have preceded its benefits.
Lauren gets her shit together prioritizing her work, ignoring men, sex and stalkers. But will it work?  Star struck Lauren meets the celebrity in real life, and soon enough her supposedly highly efficient sex-free life includes a naked guest appearance on stage, a blow-job in a parking garage and a seven month relationship.
~LS Diary can be read as standalone or as Dutch American Diary part 2

5. De Candystop (2013) €10
Waar de Nederlandse literatuur tot stilstand komt door een Marokkaanse lekkernij.
Getergd door een rits onduidelijke medische klachten, besluit Lauren geen suiker meer te eten, geen Chardonnay meer te nemen, en geen latte macchiato’s meer te drinken.
Na een paar weken is ze zo apathisch dat ze zelfs vergeet te masturberen.
Tot een jonge Marokkaanse god op tv verschijnt die tegen Lauren zegt;
“LauRRRen! WakkeRRR woRRRden! Ik ben ook schRRRijveRRR en ik heb ook een leuk leven!”
Dat is zo. Sam doet de vier s’en. Hij schrijft, hij sport, hij sekst en hij slaapt.
Ineens weet Lauren nog steeds niet waar het naartoe moet met haar leven, maar ze is wel klaarwakker. Zeker als ze erachter komt, dat Sam binnen een week een optreden geeft bij haar om de hoek.
Sam doet haar denken aan een verboden relatie met haar leerling, iets waar ze gemengde gevoelens over heeft. Sam wil die best met haar onderzoeken, maar hij vraag een prijs…

6. Bedtime Stories (2014) €15
Facing her demons and her muse, Lauren’s sexual history gets its worthy finale.
Lauren is corresponding with Elliot, but somewhere between The Netherlands and Vegas, things have stranded. To get their project back on track Lauren resorts to strong measures: making the whole damn thing public.
Sharing eight months of her life, Lauren’s third diary reintroduces all popular characters, such as writer Rafael and his legendary mythical counterpart Benjamin. Young writer Sam and his ghost twin Valentino.
Closing the Dutch American Diary trilogy, the 1991 story lines are finally tied together. With an extremely satisfying ending. Although not in a way anyone saw coming.
 ~LS Diary can be read as standalone or as Dutch American Diary part 3

7. Mirage (2014) €5
Giving you a little dessert, with all gorgeous writers from previous books.
Lauren, the former hedonistic cougar, is home bound, mothering her little ones, sick with worry and about to get dumped by her lover. Together with autumn setting in, Lauren needs her annual Cute Writer Fix more than ever. And this year there’s five of them.
Including a lunch date with the most famous author of the Netherlands; her youth love Henry.
~Mirage can be read as standalone or as the epilogue to the Dutch American Diary trilogy.

8. Big, diaries & erotica (2015-2016)  €20
The crown to Lauren’s life; a secret affair with her Biggie.
Ten years and ten lovers have taught Lauren two things.
One: single life is a disaster.
And two: men suck at anal sex.
So when Mr.Big comes along and succeeds where all the others have failed, Lauren is euphoric. She immediately picks up her pen to write about it, and her first story is indeed called “The Biggie”, about his flawless performance.  
For two years Lauren documents her secret affair with the married business man. She writes about their explosive encounters, her unwavering love, and her powerful insights. Gradually, Lauren changes. From an scarred single, to a woman totally owning her worth and her true nature. Ten years after ending her relationship in order to explore love and sex in all their forms, Lauren Harteveld becomes the ultimate mistress.

los verkrijgbaar, niet in Het Boek Benjamin:

Witte Tijgerin €5
Gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie.
Een Witte Tijgerin is een alleenstaande, onafhankelijke vrouw. Haar contact met mannen is erop gericht dat ze er energie van krijgt. Stel je voor! Nooit meer gehannes met beginnende relaties die het toch nét niet zijn. Nooit meer die morning-after backlash. Geïnspireerd op het klassieke Taoïstische werk De Witte Tijgerin van Hsi Lai, onthult deze gids;
– hoe je de touwtjes in handen houdt
– hoe je je liefdesleven gebruikt voor je plezier
– hoe je met seks je jeugdigheid herstelt.
Hij zal niet kunnen wachten om weer met je af te spreken! 

 

Jimmy, Jimmy

Published on by LS HarteveldLeave a comment

Former yoga teacher Lauren is still trying to grasp what hit her.
What she’d like to hit on.
And what didn’t hit her! (twice!)

I went into the weirdest state of love without interference from any of the men I have feelings for! 
Because I didn’t get an invitation to come see my lover Big.
No sign of the second man I’m in love with, Christopher.
And just to be thorough? I didn’t get that Long Awaited Email, which I know will be there some day. In which Benjamin will say he wants to see me.
God forbid not because of health issues!
I d rather have him live to be a hundred without ever seeing me. Than to have a creepy diagnosis work in my benefit and speed things up.
Benjamin is my muse, the earliest one I chose, and because I never saw him again he remains forever young and crispy. Although those are probably the two adjectives wants to be associated with the least.

From the little correspondence we had I know he started referring to himself as middle-aged from when he was barely forty. Looking absolutely STUNNING I might add.
Thank you Google, for that.
I ve always felt in my bones that we will one day meet. Not because I would contact him again.
I respect his choice for his family. 
But because his curiosity, and a longing for adventure, would take over his brilliant, rational mind. Stranger things have happened to middle aged men.
Speaking of middle aged men!
Oh my God, Christopher, right?
Yesterday, I had dinner with one of my male friends, and I insisted on telling ALL about Christopher. I stopped using this blog as a diary a couple of weeks ago, because things just got too funky.
It was a life imitates art situation, where I knew I would have to deal with my love life, without being able to share it all here.
Which is pretty hard, especially in the Christopher situation, where there’s more to it than I can admit here.
But not in the way I want to, it’s a result of something neither one of us can control. Which is not good enough for me.

Christopher. This might be a good time to confess I m not ACTUALLY using photos of the real men.
Or as my creativity coach said:
“You’re not? We all assumed you were dating Idris Elba and living out all our fantasies!”

I m sure I ve said this before but within the BDSM world (of which I am no part, by the way) there’s this wisdom:
A Dominant wants to be needed.
A Submissive needs to be wanted.
I need to be wanted.
And being wanted because Life is giving us an opportunity to see each other?
And then we could rationalize our feelings as if they happened accidentally? 
Not good enough.
Anyway, I was having dinner with a friend and just had to tell the Christopher story. Because he is a fan of Star Wars, I could compare my crush on Christopher to my crush on Kylo Ren, played by Adam Driver:
I had managed to miss both!

Kylo Ren in The Force Awakens

(spoiler alert for Star Wars 7 Force Awakens)
I had managed to miss my crush on Kylo Ren, because he killed Han Solo. And you DO NOT kill Han Solo! I had left the theater in awe, thinking this was Daisy Ridley!
Hello!
Since when did we suddenly turn all bisexual?
And the same thing happened with Christopher.
For months I noticed I was highly inspired to work on my career. My yogastudio. It had provided me with an income for fifteen years, and I wanted that back.
And I also worked on my career as a writer, because well I can’t not do that.
These were also the months that I wrote an application/ send in my work to the only publisher I was interested in.
The email I wrote to him was absolutely magnetic.
For months I noticed this excitement in myself; restless, and sometimes frustrated as well. Because whatever I tried, company-wise, it failed.
It was never quite right.
And I noticed this other thing. Something sexual was going on! 
But there was simply no one to put it on! 
I knew it didn’t have anything to do with Mr.Big or Benjamin;
because things had not changed with them.
The first one asking me for occasional dates, and the other one absent for years.
I still had feelings for them both, as always.
So I kept going over the other men in my life.
“No. Not him.
No. Not him either.
Tempting. But no.” 
Until one Saturday late July I think it was – and I don’t even remember what made it click! – but suddenly I saw it:
“FUCK! Mother of God! It’s Christopher!”
And I was engulfed by shame, guilt, and feeling so very very stupid, that I had managed to miss it.
Which is all so ironic, because when Christopher and me met, he fit the picture perfectly. He had the looks that would normally make me fall in love – but he was way older than me.
And he was also married, and at that time in my life I wasn’t ready to fall in love with married men, or polyamorous men.
I still assumed I could keep things simple.
So when Christopher and me met, and I wanted to ask him out, I was brutally honest. I really said something along the lines of:
“I would love to hang out with you.
But I don’t think I ll fall in love, because you’re way older.
And then men get angry because they feel rejected, and then I get angry too…
So what do you think we should do?”
Christopher looked at me and smiled.
“I ll be fine.”
We went out a few times, and then it settled at once a year.
Which had been this spring.
And we had ended up in a deserted office building, and he showed me the top floor with the view. Somewhere in that setting, where he had been a real gentleman, and had kept a lot of distance between us, leaving space between me and the doors always, that must have been where I fell in love.
Hard.
But totally unconsciously.
And that was when I started projecting it onto my company. But nothing I did, or reorganized or anything, made sense. It was the more I tried, the less things could be fixed.
Until months later, between the ashes of what once had been a thriving business, it hit me.
And it was so clear that him being rejected was indeed the last thing he had to worry about. Even if it had taken five years or so, for me to break.
Anyway, we have not seen each other anymore since. He really seems to have chosen for his wife.
God, I lost my story… where was I?
Oh! I know!
It was about the dinner with my friend, yesterday!
Either way, I told him the Kylo Ren story – where I had missed I was terribly in love (I want to be tied up by Kylo ren, and have him say “You know I can take whatever I want!!);
And also the Christopher story – who I had dismissed because of age and because we had been seeing each other for so long, and it had cost me my company. 
That I, someone who thinks of herself as self-aware, am actually shockingly unaware of my own emotions.
“I really believed I was inspired by entrepreneurship.
And motivated to be a good business woman,” I snorted.
“How stupid! The only things that motivate me are men and sex. I should know that by now.”
And he said he had enjoyed our night together, and then I got the sweetest piece of advice:
“Twice is enough, right? You’ve learned your lesson. Don’t make it three.”
When I got home I found an email from the publisher. Three months after I had written it, I had finally gotten an answer.
I hesitated to open it, after such a great night out. I had felt elevated from just talking about Christopher, reliving the strange series of events this year.
I didn’t want my energy to plummet, and go to bed on a low.
Nor did I want it to spin out of control in excitement, and lose a night sleep over it that way.
But most of all, I didn’t want to lose my lust for writing.
Not now that I had finally given up the yoga studio, and went all in on my biggest passion.
I had no idea how demotivated I would get from a rejection.
So I did something I ve done a couple of times in the past few months. Every time I had to do a scary thing;
Do it with Benjamin.
He’s like my muse, my imaginary partner that helps me to create the life of my dreams. Be the person I want to be.
“We can do this together,” I said as I sat down and started my computer.
I didn’t want to read the email on my phone. It was too important for that.
And the ghost of Benjamin telepathically joined me, and I said to him:
“Whatever happens, I m going to keep writing.”
“Say it again,” he said, standing next to me.
“Whatever happens, I’m going to keep writing.”
“Third time, for good measure.”
“Whatever happens, I’m going to keep writing.”
I opened the email, and it was a rejection. And I felt so relieved, so detached. I was even kind of happy that I could keep self-publishing, and do things my way.
Not have people interfering or pulling at me.
Because all I wanted to do, was writing.
Men.
And sex.
I did know that by now.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

Jimmy, Jimmy is the twenty-seventh chapter from Project M. 

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spotlight on:
Het Boek Benjamin
verzameld werk Engels en Nederlands
2006-2016

Een meisje vrijt met een jongen en een homoseksuele man. Naast het overweldigende verlangen, is ze zich hyperbewust van de risico’s. Zal haar lust het winnen van de angst?
Zo opent het magnum opus van LS Harteveld.
Na de coming of age novelle Mango, duik je in het dagboek van een yoga docent. En hier blijken de fictieve karakters uit Mango bestaande personen.
Benjamin keert zelfs boek na boek weer terug. Maar wat is de waarheid?
En wie is Benjamin?
Het laatste boek gaat over haar affaire met een getrouwde man die ze Mr. Big noemt.
Waardoor de vraag rijst; Is hij Benjamin?
Heeft LS Harteveld haar muze in bescherming genomen en zijn identiteit veranderd? Of heeft ze een nieuwe liefde gevonden? Een vrouw leunt over een tafel. Ze is naakt, op haar blinddoek na.
Haar minnaar rekt haar grenzen op tot het uiterste van wat nog passend is, in dit spel der geesten. Misschien gaat hij eroverheen, dat blijft in het midden. Maar 25 jaar na de eerste scene, is één ding duidelijk;
de lust heeft gewonnen.

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alle boeken zijn handzaam A5, behalve Het Boek Benjamin, dat is groot studieboek formaat (soft cover) dat je open moet leggen.

Het Boek Benjamin €45
Verzameld werk boek 1 t/m 8
Beschrijving boven, losse boeken beneden. 

1. Mango, een novelle  €15
Seksuele safari, van de jaren 80 tot de zero’s.
Een stoer, technisch meisje groeit op met alleen een moeder, in de roerige jaren 80. Roken is nog van alle leeftijden, drinken idem, en seks ook zolang je bestand bent tegen voorlichtingsfolders over aids waarbij het woord AIDS in bloedspatten is geschreven.
Dat blijkt helaas teveel van ‘t goede.
Vermengd met een verleden in Afrika, en een overleden vader, ontwikkelt deze arrogante tiener een angststoornis waar geen psycholoog haar bij kan helpen. Maar ze blijft aangetrokken tot mooie jongens en homoseksuele mannen.

2. Dutch American Diary (2008-2009) €15
Yoga teacher Lauren is in love with two men; One cunning wizard and one half her age.
 The affair was secret so Lauren called him; He Who Must Not Be Named. After the dark wizard in the Harry Potter series. She tried to get over this American but after a year she only has her mistakes to show for. Including dating an Israeli spy and a Buddhist photographer.
Now her wizard obsession is back full throttle and the next disaster has already emerged;  an attractive yoga student. Young enough to be her son.
Faced with nothing but diabolic choices, Lauren confides in her best friend; the warm and friendly Lara. Despite having the same nationality as He Who Must Not Be Named, and working at the same office coven, Lara seems to lack his foul nature.
Or does she?
Once you’ve read Dutch American Diary? You’ll never ever in your life make the mistake of messing with a yoga teacher. 
~Dutch American Diary part 1

3. 22 Erotische Verhalen €15
Literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin en Isabel Allende.
Ze komen en gaan; de kleurrijke personages in deze dromerige erotische wereld, waar ze je één verhaal lang deelgenoot maken van hun diepste verlangen en hun ergste pijn. Die vaker wel dan niet op magische wijze met elkaar verbonden blijken.
Grenzen worden genegeerd, lusten gebotvierd, wonden geheeld.
Sinds Anais Nin heeft geen schrijver zo onbevreesd het grijze gebied durven te betreden tussen het verbodene, het gruwelijke en het goddelijke. De lezer krijgt naast onversneden liefde en zinderende ontknopingen, ook een spiegel voorgehouden die je laat zien wat er zich afspeelt in de donkerste delen van je ziel. 

 4. LS Diary (2012-2013) €10
About three dark men and Lauren getting naked on stage. Not necessarily together.
 Being dark, smart, and handsome, a Dutch writer bears the characteristics Lauren only knows  too well. He looks exactly like her male muse and unwanted protagonist in the majority of her writing.
A published writer and sought-after talk show guest, the Dutch writer has succeeded where blogger Lauren is failing year after year. After year. She feels the weight of her unpublished manuscripts, and her failed attempts to become a writer. To make matters worse she already has one ill-natured stalker. As if the liabilities of being famous have preceded its benefits.
Lauren gets her shit together prioritizing her work, ignoring men, sex and stalkers. But will it work?  Star struck Lauren meets the celebrity in real life, and soon enough her supposedly highly efficient sex-free life includes a naked guest appearance on stage, a blow-job in a parking garage and a seven month relationship.
~LS Diary can be read as standalone or as Dutch American Diary part 2

5. De Candystop (2013) €10
Waar de Nederlandse literatuur tot stilstand komt door een Marokkaanse lekkernij.
Getergd door een rits onduidelijke medische klachten, besluit Lauren geen suiker meer te eten, geen Chardonnay meer te nemen, en geen latte macchiato’s meer te drinken.
Na een paar weken is ze zo apathisch dat ze zelfs vergeet te masturberen.
Tot een jonge Marokkaanse god op tv verschijnt die tegen Lauren zegt;
“LauRRRen! WakkeRRR woRRRden! Ik ben ook schRRRijveRRR en ik heb ook een leuk leven!”
Dat is zo. Sam doet de vier s’en. Hij schrijft, hij sport, hij sekst en hij slaapt.
Ineens weet Lauren nog steeds niet waar het naartoe moet met haar leven, maar ze is wel klaarwakker. Zeker als ze erachter komt, dat Sam binnen een week een optreden geeft bij haar om de hoek.
Sam doet haar denken aan een verboden relatie met haar leerling, iets waar ze gemengde gevoelens over heeft. Sam wil die best met haar onderzoeken, maar hij vraag een prijs…

6. Bedtime Stories (2014) €15
Facing her demons and her muse, Lauren’s sexual history gets its worthy finale.
Lauren is corresponding with Elliot, but somewhere between The Netherlands and Vegas, things have stranded. To get their project back on track Lauren resorts to strong measures: making the whole damn thing public.
Sharing eight months of her life, Lauren’s third diary reintroduces all popular characters, such as writer Rafael and his legendary mythical counterpart Benjamin. Young writer Sam and his ghost twin Valentino.
Closing the Dutch American Diary trilogy, the 1991 story lines are finally tied together. With an extremely satisfying ending. Although not in a way anyone saw coming.
 ~LS Diary can be read as standalone or as Dutch American Diary part 3

7. Mirage (2014) €5
Giving you a little dessert, with all gorgeous writers from previous books.
Lauren, the former hedonistic cougar, is home bound, mothering her little ones, sick with worry and about to get dumped by her lover. Together with autumn setting in, Lauren needs her annual Cute Writer Fix more than ever. And this year there’s five of them.
Including a lunch date with the most famous author of the Netherlands; her youth love Henry.
~Mirage can be read as standalone or as the epilogue to the Dutch American Diary trilogy.

8. Big, diaries & erotica (2015-2016)  €20
The crown to Lauren’s life; a secret affair with her Biggie.
Ten years and ten lovers have taught Lauren two things.
One: single life is a disaster.
And two: men suck at anal sex.
So when Mr.Big comes along and succeeds where all the others have failed, Lauren is euphoric. She immediately picks up her pen to write about it, and her first story is indeed called “The Biggie”, about his flawless performance.  
For two years Lauren documents her secret affair with the married business man. She writes about their explosive encounters, her unwavering love, and her powerful insights. Gradually, Lauren changes. From an scarred single, to a woman totally owning her worth and her true nature. Ten years after ending her relationship in order to explore love and sex in all their forms, Lauren Harteveld becomes the ultimate mistress.

los verkrijgbaar, niet in Het Boek Benjamin:

Witte Tijgerin €5
Gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie.
Een Witte Tijgerin is een alleenstaande, onafhankelijke vrouw. Haar contact met mannen is erop gericht dat ze er energie van krijgt. Stel je voor! Nooit meer gehannes met beginnende relaties die het toch nét niet zijn. Nooit meer die morning-after backlash. Geïnspireerd op het klassieke Taoïstische werk De Witte Tijgerin van Hsi Lai, onthult deze gids;
– hoe je de touwtjes in handen houdt
– hoe je je liefdesleven gebruikt voor je plezier
– hoe je met seks je jeugdigheid herstelt.
Hij zal niet kunnen wachten om weer met je af te spreken! 

 

 

poker | The Mistress Speaks episode 3

Published on by LS HarteveldLeave a comment

There are many things that surprise me about both monogamous, as well as open relationships.
But there is one aspect I understand.
Totally.
An aspect where I see the benefits of what they have, versus what I prefer.
But it is something that is almost always overlooked.
Yet it is going to make the difference between thriving at being a mistress;
Or forever stuck in the blame game on It’s-not-fair track.
And that difference is whether you like poker.
Or not.

Monogamous relationships as well as open or poly-amorous relationships, are based on the assumption that there is a relationship. A bond between two people, that serves as the basis for whatever the partners do, or are not allowed to do.
Assumptions, expectations, and culture determine the features of the relationship, and in rare cases even personal preference. But usually they are modeled according to an idea or an example relationship, that both parties agree on.
These agreed upon terms will prove to be a living thing, altered, coveted and manipulated, yet they will be referred to in every conflict.

Transparency, honesty, and equality are cornerstones within these treaties, regardless of the form or relationship style. Cheating (not telling your partner what you’re doing), ghosting (dropping out of contact without explanation), and gas lighting (deliberately triggering someone’s mental weak spots or traumas) is behavior that is frowned upon by anybody who has ever given the whole concept of relationships a second thought.
They are simply not acceptable.

But a good mistress steps away from the idea of having a normal relationship. The rules don’t apply to her, because she is not the rightful partner.
And that’s when it all becomes an internal game, like poker.
Because if she calls her lover out on using or abusing power dynamics?
She loses.

Just like in poker, she has to internally deal with her insecurities. And without showing them. Ideally she completely ignores what her lover has done to her, and even counters it by responding loving, understanding, and being entirely okay and happy living her own life.
It’s almost like reversed gas lighting, where the perpetrator will definitely notice his trick is not working, and might even think he’s lost “it”.
Which he hasn’t, of course.
Because within normal relationships? That shit ALWAYS works!

Whenever you want your partner to feel really bad, and basically derail the conversation, all you have to do is lie, play stupid or push some buttons, and bam!
That other person will immediately go berserk. First on you, then call her friends, then sulk in frustration for days. All attention will be drawn away from the initial conversation that you didn’t want to have.
That you chose to blow up.

And now the partner who was playing by the rules has basically behaved so poorly, that the other, less honest, cheating, lying party wins. And she may want him back, but there is an internal struggle because she thinks she should leave him. Either she comes back after he makes her feel good about herself, and about him. Or it’s worse and she goes back crawling with incredibly low self-esteem.
In both scenarios he’s come out of it more powerful, and she more weakened.

But the problem of course, the reason she’s coming back, is that there is a super high chance that she likes him even more.
BECAUSE he was totally not sympathetic to her needs!
It’s a Mr.Big and Carrie like situation, from Sex and the City.
She was always the one to break up, because he refused to play by her rules. But that’s what made him so exciting.
So that’s how normal relationships in the normal world play out.
Either both parties play by those rules, and are a team.
Or either one doesn’t and the whole thing feels off.

Whereas a good mistress plays an entirely different game which will allow her to keep her calm with even the most cunning man. So you don’t want to lose six seasons, before you get your Mr.Big? And you don’t want to lose your self-esteem the next time he gaslights you?
Then pay attention.

The key to being a good mistress, versus being a frustrated mistress, or a frustrated partner, is to solve all your shit INTERNALLY.
And without even raising an eyebrow!
You must show absolutely nothing.

And just like in poker, it is crucial that you play your cards right.
Brace yourself, because the moment you can’t project this on a lover, you will practically be overwhelmed by a terrible feeling of insecurity, fear, bad memories and so on. And the painful realization that you have made him the solution. That you were angry because you wanted him to behave in some magic way, so that you didn’t have to feel all that.
That he makes you feel loved, so that you’re never lonely.
That he convinces you, you’re the only one, so that you’re never jealous.
Or that he tells you everything about his adventures, so that there are no secrets anymore and you don’t have to feel left out.
And so on.

But the truth is, that as long as you make you feeling good about yourself dependent on somebody else? It’s never going to be enough.
The holes in your soul cannot be filled by finding the right man.
YOU are the one who has to fix them.

And from that perspective, I have found it extremely beneficial to be a mistress, instead of in a normal relationship.
I have no choice but to fix the holes myself.
And ironically, keeping up the facade is the first step. Because if I play happy and in control, I feel happy and in control.
It’s that easy.

And then after this game of sitting through it, and fake it till you make it, I find out that I really am okay.
Always.

Even if he doesn’t call, or doesn’t seem to value me the way I think I “should be” valued – because of who I am, what we have, or any of those things.
My lover, to whom I am a secret mistress, has allowed me to grow stronger and more mature, way more than if I had stayed with men who understood me,  were willing to accommodate me, and work around my fears and insecurities.

I understand the rules of normal relationships, and few would trade them for a game where the stakes are high, there is no “us”, and either you learn how to play?
Or you’re out.

But I fear the comfort of a normal relationship, as if it was the devil himself. 

~The Mistress

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