Unsure what I’m waiting for, or which side I’m on.
With the right-wing politician?
Or with the indignant majority?
Why does it bother me that I don’t know my stance on this?
I don’t mind not fitting in.
If I needed to be a part of a group, I wouldn’t have been a Mistress. We’re solitary beings.
And I am also confident about how I vote: Always the greenest party available.
After largely favoring trees over people, and definitely both of them over Western culture, which supposedly needs saving, voting has become really easy.
And to the chagrin of many, according to the election results, green parties do tend to be more tolerant and generous towards refugees, and I support that.
So no right-wing support from me.
Honest to God, if anyone, whether on social media or real life, has the nerve to down-talk people of color, Islam, or any type of minorities, I will never call them my friend, nor date them.
But here’s the problem:
I don’t think this particular right wing politician would do that on a date.
In fact, I believe, he would be one of the few men, about whom I m almost a 100% sure that he would be a joy to go on a date with.
He wouldn’t bring up his political ideas.
This alone, makes it difficult for me to judge him, based on his political views. Because if there is a shortage of anything, it’s on men who are a joy to go on a date with.
But it goes way further than that.
Next to feeling resistant to discard him based on his political color, this politician has repeatedly and consistently, been accused of having anti-feminist views.
Apparently, I m not just supposed to reject him because of his political ideas. No, I am also supposed to distance myself from him, because I m a woman.
And he is a bad man.
It is this part of the equation, which I strongly, and motherfucking deeply resent.
If I know anything, about anything, it’s that I have excellent taste in men. Impeccable, I have called it. And I still stand by that.
Again, I don’t know him personally, although we had a brief and friendly chat, years ago. He was blocking the path to my chair in the theater, and I had just spoken a mutual acquaintance who had spoken about him.
With me rolling my eyes, I might add.
I did not give this very well respected acquaintance, any, any room to move, when he brought the politician up.
Maybe in hindsight I did feel like the majority of Dutch women. Angry. And I did not want to see what was there.
Until that moment with him blocking the chairs. And we spoke for a few minutes and I vividly remember that at that time I was still angry with him, just for existing, and for hijacking lunch with this other man.
Who I have not seen since, unfortunately.
Maybe he wasn’t pleased with how I handled it.
Anyway, the politician must have won me over himself, because I remember thinking afterwards: “If I had not listened to all the media stories, I would have asked him out.”
I was not a Mistress yet but I was only weeks from becoming one. It was like he was a messenger. A test perhaps?
As if the Universe needed to know if I was ready to have my love life go against the grain. If I was ready to trust in myself.
And if I was agile enough, strong enough, to make a connection. Despite, having disagreed with the mutual acquaintance the day before.
I had literally refused to talk about him.
It was strange timing to meet the politician at that crossroad in my life. By now we know how it ended.
I became the mistress of a married man. Having an unpopular point of view and defending my outcast position became my new normal.
But I rose to the occasion, and as you’re reading this I no longer write about myself as a mistress, because I am the secret lover of a man.
I ve upleveled.
I write about myself as The Mistress, because I ve internalized who I am.
I will always be the woman, who needs to be won over, time and time again.
But also the one who takes pleasure in winning his attention.
And keeping his secrets.
From now on, every lover I have, will have my loyalty until the end.
It’s really strange because over the past few weeks, I ve thought a lot about what it means to end a relationship like the one I have/had with my lover.
Like I said, I no longer share the specifics of my love life anymore.
But I ve thought about him, and about other unavailable men in my life.
And I realized something: These bonds cannot be broken.
Not by time, distance, marriage. Not by agreeing it’s better to not see each other.
They can’t be sacrificed, in order to make other relationships work. The bond will stay because a Mistress heart is like a trap:
Once you get in, you can’t get out.
Maybe that’s the whole point.
He got in.
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1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2019
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
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4. Blote Kont- verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit (Dutch)
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