famous last words | The Mistress Speaks episode 7

I have my notes here.
The ones I made  after having sex with my lover. It was the first time we were together after a couple of major realizations, that made our encounter extra memorable.
But that also makes this my last blog post as a Mistress. Writing about the broader concepts behind being a mistress are no longer what I want to write about.
This is not where I develop.
At best these posts have been an attempt to make others, both men and women, more appreciative of their sexuality. And of the sexuality of their partner.
To realize that desire, disruption, secrecy and taking ownership of everything tingling, sizzling and bursting with excitement both below the belt and in your mind, are valuable gifts of life that can only be denied at the cost of, well, Life.
That we need to start talking about the heavy toll monogamy is taking on us, as a society. That unless we treat our preference for a faithful partner as a exactly that, a preference, something that excites us and turns us on, and not as the fear-based agreement it usually is – we are killing off both our own sexuality as well as our partner’s.
Partners who cheat are valuable assets.
They bring home fresh sexual energy, a sense of adventure and newness that you – perhaps unconsciously – singled out yourself if your partner walks that fine line between being yours and being everybody’s.
I will now limit the rest of this article to unfaithful men and female mistresses, but that’s not because I believe there is a difference.
Unfaithful women are just as wonderful an asset to a relationship as unfaithful men.
So back to the appreciation of unfaithful men:
First of all, and this is important in understanding why I am so adamant here: Most men are extremely faithful.
Because they want to but sometimes also because it would be too big of an investment in terms of energy, growth, or risk.
Sex in general, and cheating in particular, is at the top of
emotionally charged social interaction.
That’s not for everybody.
It requires dedication, ruthless self-acceptance and basically a helluvalot of working through your shit, before you can even remotely start to enjoy it.
We treat sex as if it is simple, when it is actually the first thing you lose if there’s so much as a hair out of place in the way you view it. Or in the way you view yourself.
If you’re afraid of being rejected, at any stage of having sex or any stage of your affair or relationship? You’re going to start behaving out of alignment in order to avoid that rejection, and your sexuality will never thrive.
Not with one woman, let alone with two.
The most significant difference between people who have great sex and those who don’t is taking full and complete ownership over all of their sexual desires, and even their sexual insecurities. They don’t need somebody else to accept it for them, they do that themselves.
People with great sex lives do not require validation and justification on any level of their lives.
And the moment they feel they do? The moment they feel they start to behave differently, or present themselves differently, because they’re afraid of what the other person will think of them?
They work through it.
Automatically really, from what I ve seen.
They immediately take FULL OWNERSHIP (I can’t emphasize this enough) of whatever it is that they desire, which may not be within the taste of all the other people.
If you would ask me how to go about recovering your sexuality, which very well may involve cheating, when you’re currently in a relationship that you don’t want to end, I would say:
CLAIM IT.
And then comes a spectrum of possibilities.
You can fully inform your partner about your choice, inviting the other person to be part of it. This is an open relationship, where communication and transparency are key elements.
The advantages are a clear conscience and little to no back-lashing.
The disadvantages are that it can become top heavy and tiresome to communicate all the time. With the other person so close, it can become blurred that ultimately your sexuality is your own responsibility.
And should be independent of your partner’s support.
On the other side of the spectrum there is not telling your partner, and develop it in secret.
The advantage is that you have full freedom to do it your own way, and really get to know yourself without altering your desires even a bit, in order to please your “normal” partner.
The disadvantage is feeling guilty and being under constant stress. And you have to take into account that ultimately one day she may find out, and hold you accountable for doing something terrible “to her”.
And no, this may not be the best time to bring up how your shared sex life benefited greatly from your entrepreneurial sexual side-hustle.
Even though of course, it did.
Ultimately what we are all drawn to is a partner who is present. Who is paying attention, and really connects with us.
Make it your goal to be a really good partner, and let her share in your positive vibration. Not because you feel guilty and feel you should be giving back, but because you are genuinely happy, and genuinely love her.
I often wonder if those men suddenly buying gifts and flowers for their own wife when they’re cheating are really acting from guilt, or if they have found their fun and zest for life, and want to share it at home.
Or, and this is maybe too far out for most of us, but I m going to say it anyway:
Say they are initially acting out of guilt? Then what would happen if you would receive it with the words: “Thank you! I like it so much when you’re so happy and light. Whatever it is you re doing, keep on doing it baby.”
And then you give him a really big kiss, and a wide smile and say:
“I love everything about you and I always will.”
The big difference I ve discovered between myself, a mistress, and women in normal relationships, is that I always make sure I can offer love and appreciation. Well, it’s easier really:
I make sure that I can offer.
I remember one time when we had a date, but I just had a friendship end that day. It was very painful, for all parties, and an incredible blow to our self-esteem. How could we have let this friendship turn so sour?
But instead of going to my lover as an escape, to attend to my wounded ego, I cancelled because I was not at the vibration I want to be at, when I am with him.
I had nothing to offer, so I cancelled.
Same thing when one night he was grumpy or the rarest of occasions when I receive a passive aggressive text: I hold my vibration high.
I hold the space on that top of the mountain, smile, invite him to come over. But if he wants feel sorry for himself or project stuff at me, then I can’t help him.
Because I m here. At the peak, you know, that place where we always meet, you and me. It’s where our bed is.
During our last rendez vous my lover smirked:
“You really own being a Mistress.”
More than anyone else he knows how confused I was, the first six months we were together. Just like any woman ending up as the other woman, I expected it to be a temporary situation. And for him to choose for me.
Until I flipped it all upside down, and realized the key here was commitment to my own feelings for him. It was almost like I had been saying to myself:
“I really love him, he’s the love of my life. But only if he chooses for me.
As soon as I saw how silly this was, I vowed to nourish and attend to my own feelings for him. Instead of waiting for him or anyone else to validate them.
And that’s how I ve been living to this day.
The second big breakthrough came when I fully started trusting in him to be his own man and to make his own decisions.
Suddenly whether he did or didn’t leave his wife became unimportant.
Because I trusted he was capable of making his own decisions.
Whatever reason there was for being a married man with a mistress? It was his business, and his business only. I was just there to support him, in whatever it was he wanted to do or share.
Or didn’t.
I often wonder about vengeful mistresses, the Glenn Close type.
And it is my conclusion that they are the ones who want to be the number one partner, the real partner.
If that’s actually what would make them happy, or if they have a distorted view of their own sexuality? I m not sure, really.
What I do know is that I make it my job to completely disconnect being chosen, from my ego and self-worth. I love him very much, and I will end this final chapter of The Mistress Speaks with a juicy paragraph on why he is indispensable and I don’t see myself having this good of a relationship with anyone else, but as far as vengeful mistresses go – or vengeful wives for that matter! – I think it’s the ego.
You should never need being chosen, or being the only one, in order to feel good about yourself.
Aside from selling yourself short, it’s also not true.
People can only choose, what they want to receive.
If I am the partner, the mistress, who accepts and supports him, and encourages him to explore his sexuality and take care of himself?
I take all resistance out of being together.
He can’t fight me, he can’t project onto me, he can’t blame me for being unreasonable. The only person who will want that/me as a full-time partner is someone who also wants to be on top of the mountain all the time, and resolve all issues about jealousy, loneliness and pain, inside themselves.
I hold myself accountable for every minute of my life.
With whom I spend it, how I spend it, and in particular, the vibration I spend it in.
But in holding myself accountable, I also hold others accountable.
Not because I cannot accept them as they are, but because they see all the parts about themselves they do not like reflected in me.
I ve known other mistresses in my life, and almost all of them dislike me.
I ve known many people with “explorative” sexualities, and almost all of them dislike me too.
And almost all of that rejection is passive aggressive, by ignoring me by simply not calling, or by keeping me on as a friend for years on end (something I m no longer available for but it has happened) waiting for me to drastically change something about myself, usually to stop being so open, to stop being SO MUCH, to stop FLAUNTING my sexuality – so that I am worthy of their love again.
Ever since I m a mistress I ve been rejected time, after time, after time.
But it’s been going on for 8 years prior to that. The eight years I was single and the time it took me to understand my sexuality.
Now that I know I am a mistress?
Of course I am going to flaunt it.
I worked really really hard to figure this out.
I am a mistress which means someone who is deeply in love, deeply caring and supportive and usually monogamous because you can’t have those feelings for multiple men at the same time. But a mistress is also someone who likes secrecy and for her man to be exploratory, and have other women.
And yes, the most likely way to get all those desires met, is by being the other woman.
During our last encounter I asked him if he knew that when given the chance, I would koala-bear myself to him. And stop living my own life.
I would just hang there, and be patted, and I would look into the world with big eyes but never leave him.
“Not even to eat?” he asked.
“No. I would expect to be fed, but if that didn’t happen, I still wouldn’t leave.”
All this to explain, that the switch from being a mistress to being chosen, should never be a matter of ego. Your sense of self-worth should have nothing to do with it. Some men would love a koala woman.
Mine doesn’t, and I understand that completely!
Especially of course, since the koala, although cute, is not that sexually active.
I think the vengeful woman, or the ego wanting to be chosen, stems from our vision that we should have a man to ourselves.
That we “are worth it”as if a man is bottle of shampoo.
As long as you still adopt that as a truth, that you are a better, more complete person if your lover chooses you, you could in theory become a vengeful or at least a sad mistress.
But once you can see that you handpicked him, a married man, because you love him the most and he draws feelings out of you that no one else does, and perhaps also because you don’t really want to turn into a baby koala and that’s what would happen if he were available?
Then you no longer see yourself as being on the breadcrumb end of the relationship.
You know how rich and lucky you are.
And if he wants to break up his marriage for you, so that he has this supportive, exciting woman at his side? Or this cute clingy creature that follows him everywhere?
That is really up to him.
This post has turned out much longer than I intended to.
But this series, The Mistress Speaks, has become a lot shorter than I intended to. Maybe because over the years I ve already written many other posts about it.
I will collect them all, and publish them in a book Big Mistress.
But I think it’s also because my art, the way I express myself, has changed, since I started this series.
From a writer, I ve shifted towards being a speaker and my main medium is YouTube now.
The final reason this series will not be continued is that I m resuming my erotica writing. The first two years of my affair were the best, and resulted in the book
Big. Diaries and Erotica
Before I told myself to grow up and stop writing over what happened in the bedroom. But now that I can see how much writing erotica contributed to the quality of what we had – on all aspects, but especially sexually – I ll pick it up.
And stretch myself, so to speak ūüôā
But it will be a private thing, just between him and me. If this first autobiographical erotica book, will be published or if it will just have to wait until after my death, just like the erotica of my idol Anais Nin?
I don’t know.
And maybe there will be more lovers, than one.
Who knows.
All I know is that I have to write about my sex life in order to make it magical, maybe even in order to create it.
Maybe the level of sexual intimacy I desire just cannot be created without putting in the effort, of the typical eight to ten hours an erotic story costs me.
The notes are still lying before me.
Of my last encounter with my lover. And I didn’t really grasp how special this man is to me, until days after it happened, when I had already stopped scribbling down notes.
This was just an extra thing, that made my jaw drop, and realize:
“Damn. I m never going to find anyone remotely like him.”
The notes talked about how we had been fantasizing about doing this more often. I think the favorite fantasy of secret lovers must be that they’re living together and that they have sex every day.
And we were kissing, cuddling and giggling and still in the process of taking each other’s clothes off. The thought of doing this every day, put more fuel onto the fire.
In the midst of our hushed talking he said, with that twinkle in his eyes and grin on his face, referring to our imaginative daily encounters:
“And from behind as well?”
I shut my eyes, groaned, bit my lip, unable to take in the thought of so much pleasure when it had already been so long since I had seen him.
As always, the time between our dates, combined with absence of communication until I had no idea if we were still “on”, gave every encounter a thrilling, overwhelming and oh-my-fucking-God atmosphere.
I opened my eyes again, which must have been just overflowing with desire by now, and answered:
“Yes. But not today.”
And he kept on grinning, and looking all sparkly, and just said something like “Okay.” while giving me a little nod as a sign he understood.
During sex, there was this point which I will not go into here – I will save that for my erotic story – but suffice to say I changed my mind.
And what was so striking, and this was originally what my erotic story was going to be about, was that his initial response to my hint was to move away.
He was remembering what I had said, so well, that his first response to a shift in my boundaries was that he made sure he was on the right side.
He didn’t say sorry, or apologize himself or anything.
But what I was going to let my erotic story revolve around was how moved I was, that pulling back was his first response to my hint.
Within a fraction of a section, he picked up that I meant the exact opposite, and he gave what I wanted without any hesitation.
That was going to be the central story line.
And then I found these texts we had exchanged right before he came to my house. I had made a backdoor joke! I had completely forgotten about that!
In my last message before he came here, I had already hinted at this. Full of anticipation!
And yet, what had he done when he was here?
He had brought the subject up, playfully. As if it was completely new. Made no reference to the text at all. He just tapped into how I was then, the moment we were together.
That’s how present he is, that’s the type of connection he makes. He never takes anything for granted, or assumes he knows anything about what I want, based on what I just said in a text.
And if half an hour after “not today” I change my mind, he works with that.
He doesn’t say: “But you said”
Ever.
Not when I go from making backdoor jokes to answering “Not today”.
Not when I go from off-limits to a wordless plea for more.
It’s all okay, there’s never any judgement of anything.
After four and a half years I m beginning to understand I am not the only one accepting, understanding and loving unconditionally.
He’s been returning the favor.
All that time.

~The Mistress

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hand me thy wicked men | The Mistress Speaks episode 7

I’m holding my breath, as the post-election backlash splits these lands in two.
Unsure what I’m waiting for, or which side I’m on.
With the right-wing politician?

Or with the indignant majority? 
Neither? Both? 
Why does it bother me that I don’t know my stance on this?
I don’t mind not fitting in.
If I needed to be a part of a group, I wouldn’t have been a Mistress. We’re solitary beings.
And I am also confident about how I vote: Always the greenest party available.
After largely favoring trees over people, and definitely both of them over Western culture, which supposedly needs saving, voting has become really easy.
And to the chagrin of many, according to the election results, green parties do tend to be more tolerant and generous towards refugees, and I support that.
So no right-wing support from me.
Honest to God, if anyone, whether on social media or real life, has the nerve to down-talk people of color, Islam, or any type of minorities, I will never call them my friend, nor date them.
But here’s the problem:
I don’t think this particular right wing politician would do that on a date.
In fact, I believe, he would be one of the few men, about whom I m almost a 100% sure that he would be a joy to go on a date with.
He wouldn’t bring up his political ideas.
This alone, makes it difficult for me to judge him, based on his political views. Because if there is a shortage of anything, it’s on men who are a joy to go on a date with.
But it goes way further than that.
Next to feeling resistant to discard him based on his political color, this politician has repeatedly and consistently, been accused of having anti-feminist views.
Apparently, I m not just supposed to reject him because of his political ideas. No, I am also supposed to distance myself from him, because I m a woman.
And he is a bad man.
It is this part of the equation, which I strongly, and motherfucking deeply resent.
If I know anything, about anything, it’s that I have excellent taste in men. Impeccable, I have called it. And I still stand by that.
Again, I don’t know him personally, although we had a brief and friendly chat, years ago. He was blocking the path to my chair in the theater, and I had just spoken a mutual acquaintance who had spoken about him.
With me rolling my eyes, I might add.
I did not give this very well respected acquaintance, any, any room to move, when he brought the politician up.
Maybe in hindsight I did feel like the majority of Dutch women. Angry. And I did not want to see what was there.
Until that moment with him blocking the chairs. And we spoke for a few minutes and I vividly remember that at that time I was still angry with him, just for existing, and for hijacking lunch with this other man.
Who I have not seen since, unfortunately.
Maybe he wasn’t pleased with how I handled it.
Anyway, the politician must have won me over himself, because I remember thinking afterwards: “If I had not listened to all the media stories, I would have asked him out.”
I was not a Mistress yet but I was only weeks from becoming one. It was like he was a messenger. A test perhaps?
As if the Universe needed to know if I was ready to have my love life go against the grain. If I was ready to trust in myself.
And if I was agile enough, strong enough, to make a connection. Despite, having disagreed with the mutual acquaintance the day before.
I had literally refused to talk about him.
It was strange timing to meet the politician at that crossroad in my life. By now we know how it ended.
I became the mistress of a married man. Having an unpopular point of view and defending my outcast position became my new normal.
But I rose to the occasion, and as you’re reading this I no longer write about myself as a mistress, because I am the secret lover of a man.
I ve upleveled.
I write about myself as The Mistress, because I ve internalized who I am.
I will always be the woman, who needs to be won over, time and time again.
But also the one who takes pleasure in winning his attention.
And keeping his secrets.
From now on, every lover I have, will have my loyalty until the end.
It’s really strange because over the past few weeks, I ve thought a lot about what it means to end a relationship like the one I have/had with my lover.
Like I said, I no longer share the specifics of my love life anymore.
But I ve thought about him, and about other unavailable men in my life. 
And I realized something: These bonds cannot be broken.
Not by time, distance, marriage. Not by agreeing it’s better to not see each other.
They can’t be sacrificed, in order to make other relationships work. The bond will stay because a¬†Mistress heart is like a trap:
Once you get in, you can’t get out.

Maybe that’s the whole point.
He got in.

 

~the Mistress

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desire makes the world go round | The Mistress Speaks episode 6

“A Guru is a person in whose company one feels inspired and reminded of one‚Äôs divinity and wholeness.”¬†
from the Wiki page on Aghor yoga (Tantra)

Spoiler alert. If I even get around to making that blatantly obvious point!
The Guru mentioned in this quote, is your lover.
He or she is the only one who has the unique power to electrify you, and transcend you to another world.
Another plane of existing.
You should treat your lover the way a devotee treats their Guru.
You re grateful for their time, you don’t ask them to help you out, you don’t treat their presence like an everyday thing.
You KNOW that this person is indispensable and has already given you everything you could possibly desire, simply by being there. That one minute with him or her, means more than a lifetime together with a partner who will do you the favor of giving you a mature relationship that ticks all the boxes.
The reason I stumbled upon the guru quote is because I was brushing up on my tantra knowledge to write this post.
When I was still a yoga teacher, I studied tantra in a brave attempt to find a matching spiritual framework to yoga.
I sure as hell knew it wasn’t Patanjali.
And tantra was a great choice, and it was the most logical choice too, because hatha yoga stems from tantra.
Hatha yoga was developed around 1500, and the book that goes with it is the Hatha Yoga Pradipika.
There is a lot of sex stuff in it, they really knew what they were doing.
But under the reign of Victorian English colonizers, tantra as well as the hatha yoga were brutally cut in half.
The aspects that were clean and chaste were preserved, and the other side can only be found in singular tantric cults, who don’t have any mainstream status.
The best way to know about tantra is to look on Wikipedia on Aghori.
At the time I was studying Tantra, my favorite book was Robert Svobeda’s Aghora, The Left Hand to God;
On how darkness, leads to the light.
With its cremation grounds, corpses, drinking from skulls and sexual rituals Aghora provided a compelling read.
But because tantra was only known for the part which could easily be slipped into Hinduism and into yoga, my love for tantra was almost impossible to explain.
And then there was an even worse use of the word tantra!
As couples therapy who wanted to do a Sting and Tracy; staring into each other’s eyes, rocking back and forth, without anybody having an orgasm.
The two things combined made it entirely pointless to even mention my tantric path to anyone, unless they had Robert Svoboda’s Aghora part 1, 2 and 3 up on their book shelves.
I lost interest in it.
Although I must say that rereading parts of it, does make me think about studying it again.
Maybe it’s because I no longer teach yoga, that I feel I can study tantra without running the risk of being associated with things that I don’t want to be associated with.
Today I also read a new article from Esther Perel:
4 Ways To Reignite Passion In Your Relationship
And although Esher Perel and me seem to have identical views on relationships and sexuality, we come to different conclusions.
Her work revolves around improving relationships.
And my work around preventing them.
That if you are having great sex, and are excited about seeing each other, the worst thing you could possibly do is to start a relationship.
You re killing the whole entire thing.
Whereas if you re not that much in love, and you have a shared agenda about what it is you want out of life, then sure! Go right ahead.
I m just here to protect the rare cases when someone super special comes along, and your heart is pounding and dancing when you just think about seeing him.
Then my advice would be to become lovers.
Or “mistress” and lover.
Because that relationship, or maybe better “affair”, automatically builds in the four characteristics that Esther Perel teaches you, to have a healthy relationship:
1. Take responsibility for your own desire
Having an affair, and in particular a secret one, is a powerful way  to prioritize your desires.
2. Plan sex in advance
Again: this is a given in affairs.
3. Recognize the other’s sovereignty
Duh.
4. There is no care taking in desire: No one needs the other
My thoughts exactly.
So although I stand with Esther Perel, agreeing with all four points, I still advocate more awareness before you even begin a “real” relationship.
And an affair in particular, doesn’t allow for any of those lust killing aspects in the first place.
It is not for everybody, for sure.
The two main reasons to stick with normal relationships is prioritizing safety over adventure, and wanting to build a life with someone else.
But if you can deal with those aspects;
You’re actually over the moon over someone;
It’s mutual;
And then you start a real relationship because you think that’s better than an affair, then you’re making the same mistake as what the Brits did to Indian tantra:
You re cherry picking.
You picked the parts that you thought were safe and good, and presented your cleaned up version to the world as it being “the thing”.
But that’s no longer the thing.
The magic never was in the cleaned up version.
It was in everything you tossed aside, because it was too difficult, too ground breaking, too scary, too controversial.
It was in everything that didn’t suite your Victorian morale.
And now you’re wondering, where your Guru went.

~The Mistress

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luxury | The Mistress Speaks episode 5

I tried to resist the urge to read back, to the first four posts. But then I needed to have a look anyway, to see which episode we were on.
And perhaps I longed for a little brush up, on what this series was about.
Unfortunately, I saw I had already written about many of the key insights, that are so fresh to me.¬† They’re guidelines I reconnect with frequently, in order to sustain this “lifestyle”.
Although lifestyle and the word luxury in the title, do not refer to something financial, nor to something that gives me status.
The reason I refer to mistresshood as a luxury, is because it is.
Most people have dreams that either include, or require, an emotionally stable home base, or a double income. And others have needs or problems which will be relieved if they could stabilize themselves, by being able to focus on one person. Or if they’re saved by someone who will supply the base level of what it is they’re missing.
Labels of sexual preference, gay, straight, bi, and to a lesser extend monogamous and polyamorous, are not an actual representation of the diversity; They’re simply the only people who found it absolutely impossible to function in a monogamous, heterosexual relationship.
They had no choice but to start acknowledging their sexual nature.
And often realize their sexuality, preferences, kinks and turnoffs, are made of a thousand different aspects that make them unique. 
But barely anyone investigates their sexuality, as long as it functions half decent,  within the boundaries of what we think is normal.
And this is because we have all those needs and wants in the rest of our life, on an earthy, practical level. So unless you absolutely don’t function within normality, exploring your true nature comes at way too big a cost.
For me it took over a decade of dedicated soul and sex searching before I realized what was “wrong” with me:
I like to be monogamous, so have one sexual partner.
With whom I m MADLY in love!
But I need this man to be in control.
There is a part of me that says: I need this man to fool around a bit, and be unreliable.
But that’s not exactly true… I need him to be fascinating, and do his OWN THING. Whether he actually has sex with other women is completely beside the point, but he needs to keep me interested.
He needs to pull the string of wool back from the playing cat, so that I can chase it. Or wonder if he will come back to play. He cannot give me the ball of wool. I would be extremely bored.
So this was the detailed version of the story.
I usually round it off to:
“I am monogamous, but I need a man who’s not.”
For me understanding this has been absolutely huge!
But it took me ten years.
Years I could have spent building a multi-million dollar empire, traveling the world, raising children. I didn’t do any of those things.
I just dated, got home, and wrote everything out like a mad woman.
For ten years.
THAT is luxury!
And one few people have. Not unless they’re willing to give up their needs, their wants, and their reserves.
Because it doesn’t stop. They say love is a verb; well that is true regardless of which form you put it into.
You always have to work.
You always get tested.
Even the most non-committal structure has its challenges.
I don’t have much experience with one night-stands, but from what I ve noticed is that they put a huge strain on my self-esteem. It is practically impossible for me to share myself physically, and to not die of anxiety in the days after.
That terrible craving for connection after I had sex with someone, that’s the reason I am monogamous, in the sense that I only want one partner.
I don’t have that post-sex connection with my lover, either. He doesn’t text me or anything. But because it’s been the same man for almost four years now, I can statistically assume he’ll not grow tired of me overnight.
Or that he’s no longer interested because he has already “had” me.
Every time I see him, still feels like the first to me. But the history we share do make the after-sex dip bearable. Often I don’t feel it at all, or only very briefly.
But I get tested too, in my (at first glance) non-committal arrangement of being his secret lover.
Just this week, it really came up for me!
I felt a stab of jealousy, and insecurity. A full realization that if I find it arousing to not know what he’s up to, he might actually be up to something!
Jealousy can cut you swiftly and ugly.
And it did.
Even though I know it’s part of the game. Part of what I like here.
And not having him to myself is the reason I m still in love after such a long time; I know that for certain.
So then I m tested with these feelings of doubt. Will I lose him?
Will he choose his wife, or leave her for another woman, who s not me?
There’s all kinds of scenarios where I could still end up empty handed, before our four year anniversary.
And that’s when I remind myself:
This is a luxury.
My relationship with him, is pure pleasure, consent, desire, and lust. We love each other deeply. I know that, even though we never speak such words.
It can be felt.
But it’s that fresh type of love which is connected to wanting. Not to needing.
The moments I think I need to know if he’s “faithful”, are my tests. They’re red flags; Not of our relationship.
But of me trying to turn this into something that it never was. And that I don’t even want it to be.
Having a lover is a luxury.
And no matter what happens in life, it’s one I will insist on having.

~The Mistress

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paradise | The Mistress Speaks episode 4

Even though I call myself a diarist, and a sex writer, it is especially in describing sex with Mr.Big that I feel ineloquent. Incapable of sharing the meaning these moments have for me.
I am aware the reason I feel this good is partially because I always make sure I m in the right mood, and have a positive mindset when we meet.
But the reason our entire affair is so lovely, is also thanks to him, as well.
How he, specifically with me, behaves.
They say in war neutrality is not an accomplishment. It is a favor. The other countries must allow for it. Naturally, the country which aspires to be neutral cannot be aggressive, and has to be diplomatic.
But if your location is on a strategic position within the battle field, or the resources of your country are vital for the course of the war, then you will be sucked into it.
No favors for you.
It is only when other countries benefit from you being neutral, that you will get that position.
As soon as Mr.Big realized I would never bring any negativity into our relationship – only support, love, and admiration – I got only his best side too.
There was an article today, on top ten things that blew up your relationship.
Whining was a big one, and sitting in sweat pants on the couch.
And in one of those ten things, I can’t remember which one but that’s because it could have been any of them, it stressed something like:
“Or he’ll be very susceptible to that bimbo who will want to admire his penis three times a day.”¬†
I almost got heart eyes on the spot, at the thought that I would be allowed to admire his penis three times a day! Clearly I was that bimbo, who was eager to give your man what you were withholding.
I resisted the urge to leave a provocative comment, that these bimbos indeed existed and were happy to take him, if you weren’t taking proper care of him.
But ironically?
You really can’t prevent a man from cheating by behaving in a different way. So from that perspective you can behave as poorly as you want.
The result will be the same.
Either he isn’t a cheater, and then he won’t.
Or he is and then he will.
And some of the latter are the ones with mistresses, which are long-term arrangements with the same woman.
But these could still be simple sexual arrangements. Something with a low-cost emotional investment.
Personally?
I m not interested in those.
I mean, he can feel as little or as much as he wants for me. But I want to be swept of my feet, and be head over heels in love. I m not interested in having my sex life taken care of in a carefree manner, by sleeping with a married man.
Taking care of my sex life is not a priority for me.
Being in love is.
So narrowing it down to the men who have mistresses, you can go even further, to the men who love, or have, two women.
A wife, as well as a mistress who in this case is not a low key arrangement.
He may not have realized this at the beginning, and he certainly will not have set out for it, but the truth is that he not only loves them both;
The two women also represent two totally different sides of himself.
The husband en the rebel.
He can’t choose without denying half of his personality.
Just like there is a huge difference between a mistress by default – which is a woman who is temporarily a mistress, but is ultimately only interested in having him for herself.
And the real mistress; Who understands this peculiar relationship form is actually in her benefit. That it hits on her kinks for secrecy, feeling special, and only having quality time.
The same goes for the cheater.
There are those for whom a mistress will be a temporary situation, until he makes up his mind choosing either for his wife or for the mistress, who will be his new wife.
And there are men who will never be fulfilled with one woman. 
They can make themselves choose, but it will start all over again.
Anyway: I see I made a mistake.
I said you couldn’t prevent a man from having a mistress, by behaving like his ideal wife. And by refraining from the ten super stupid things you can do to blow up your relationship.
You can prevent it, but only if it’s a man who wants to replace you.
You can’t if he’s a real cheater, in any way shape or form.
It’s as simple as that.
But I opened by saying that part of the reason sex with him feels so good, is because I have the right mindset. And I don’t do those ten stupid things that blow up your relationship.
The moment I can feel myself getting accusatory, I immediately correct myself. Because this is not who I want to be. I want to view everything he does with the curiosity and adoration, the same way I would like to admire his penis three times a day.
And it’s that attitude that not only makes me a great mistress for myself – because I don’t come even near that dark self-righteous corner of the mind when we’re together – but it also makes me a great mistress for him.
He really could be that country at war with everybody else, but that I’m his peaceful paradise.
Everything is perfect here. Everything admired. Everything loved.
And in giving that to him, I m also giving that to myself.
No wonder the moments and the sex we share, are so magical.
And that I can’t find words.

~The Mistress

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poker | The Mistress Speaks episode 3

There are many things that surprise me about both monogamous, as well as open relationships.
But there is one aspect I understand.
Totally.
An aspect where I see the benefits of what they have, versus what I prefer.
But it is something that is almost always overlooked.
Yet it is going to make the difference between thriving at being a mistress;
Or¬†forever stuck in the¬†blame game on It’s-not-fair track.
And that difference is whether you like poker.
Or not.
Monogamous relationships as well as open or poly-amorous relationships, are based on the assumption that there is a relationship. A bond between two people, that serves as the basis for whatever the partners do, or are not allowed to do.
Assumptions, expectations, and culture determine the features of the relationship, and in rare cases even personal preference. But usually they are modeled according to an idea or an example relationship, that both parties agree on.
These agreed upon terms will prove to be a living thing, altered, coveted and manipulated, yet they will be referred to in every conflict.
Transparency, honesty, and equality are cornerstones within these treaties, regardless of the form or relationship style. Cheating (not telling your partner what you’re doing), ghosting (dropping out of contact without explanation), and gas lighting (deliberatly triggering someone’s mental weak spots or traumas) is behavior that is frowned upon by anybody who has ever given the whole concept of relationships a second thought.
They are simply not acceptable.
And if you are in a relationship with someone who does these things, then you, the victim, should get out immediately, or try to change things around.
It is not okay to endure such things.
They’re immoral.
Staying is a sign of your failure as well, because apparently you’re unable to find or create a healthy, mature relationship.
But¬†a good mistress steps away from the idea of having a normal relationship. The rules don’t apply to her, because she is not the rightful partner.
And that’s when it all becomes an internal game, like poker.
Because if she calls her lover out on using or abusing power dynamics?
She loses.
Just like in poker, she has to internally deal with her insecurities. And without showing them. Ideally she completely ignores what her lover has done to her, and even counter it by responding loving, understanding, and being entirely okay and happy living her own life.
It’s almost like reversed gas lighting, where the perpetrator will definitely notice his trick is not working, and might even think he’s lost “it”.
Which he hasn’t, of course.
Because within normal relationships? That shit ALWAYS works!
Whenever you want your partner to feel really bad, and basically derail the conversation, all you have to do is lie, play stupid or push some buttons, and bam!
That other person will immediately go berserk. First on you, then call her friends, then sulk in frustration for days. All attention will be drawn away from the initial conversation that you didn’t want to have.
That you chose to blow up.
And now the partner who was playing by the rules has basically behaved so poorly, that the other, less honest, cheating, lying party wins. And she may want him back, but there is an internal struggle because she thinks she should leave him. Either she comes back after he makes her feel good about herself, and about him.¬†Or it’s worse and she goes back crawling with incredibly low self-esteem.
In both scenarios he’s come out of it more powerful, and she more weakened.
But the problem of course, the reason she’s coming back, is that there is a super high chance that she likes him even more.
BECAUSE he was totally not sympathetic to her needs!
It’s a Mr.Big and Carrie like situation, from Sex and the City.
She was always the one to break up, because he refused to play by her rules. But that’s what made him so exciting.
So that’s how normal relationships in the normal world play out.
Either both parties play by those rules, and are a team.
Or either one doesn’t and the whole thing feels off.
Whereas a good mistress plays an entirely different game which will allow her to keep her calm with even the most cunning man. So you don’t want to lose six seasons, before you get your Mr.Big? And you don’t want to lose your self-esteem the next time he gaslights you?
Then pay attention.
The key to being a good mistress, versus being a frustrated mistress, or a frustrated partner, is to solve all your shit INTERNALLY.
And without even raising an eyebrow!
You must show absolutely nothing.
And just like in poker, it is crucial that you play your cards right.
Brace yourself, because the moment you can’t project this on a lover, you will practically be overwhelmed by a terrible feeling of insecurity, fear, bad memories and so on. And the painful realization that you have made him the solution. That you were angry because you wanted him to behave in some magic way, so that you didn’t have to feel all that.
That he makes you feel loved, so that you’re never lonely.
That he convinces you, you’re the only one, so that you’re never jealous.
Or that he tells you everything about his adventures, so that there are no secrets anymore and you don’t have to feel left out.
And so on.
But the truth is, that as long as you make you feeling good about yourself dependent on somebody else? It’s never going to be enough.
The holes in your soul cannot be filled by finding the right man.
YOU are the one who has to fix them.
And from that perspective, I have found it extremely beneficial to be a mistress, instead of in a normal relationship.
I have no choice but to fix the holes myself.
And ironically, keeping up the facade is the first step. Because if I play happy and in control, I feel happy and in control.
It’s that easy.
And then after this game of sitting through it, and fake it till you make it, I find out that I really am okay.
Always.
Even if he doesn’t call, or doesn’t seem to value me the way I think I “should be” valued – because of who I am, what we have, or any of those things.
My lover, to whom I am a secret mistress, has allowed me to grow stronger and more mature, way more than if I had stayed with men who understood me,  were willing to accommodate me, and work around my fears and insecurities.
I understand the rules of normal relationships, and few would trade them for a game where the stakes are high, there is no “us”, and either you learn how to play?
Or you’re out.
But I fear the comfort of a normal relationship, as if it was the devil himself. 

~The Mistress

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it’s all in your head | The Mistress Speaks episode 2

There is a saying:
“Space is your most precious piece of furniture.”
Everybody who’s ever worked with an architect or interior designer will have heard of it.
And I wonder:
Why is it that when it comes to spaces we are well aware that an expensive hotelroom feels like an invitation to stay in, make love, and leave after a few hours or a few days with memories that will last you until your next date or the rest of your life?
And yet we tend to stuff both our houses, but also our relationships, with stuff we picked up along the way, and that we may not even be particularly happy with?
Why are we willing to pay hundreds of dollars for a hotelroom, and yet at the same time allow junk into our own homes?
You can see it in your house if you’re holding on to stuff that doesn’t make you happy.¬†But there are also plenty of people who don’t do that, and even have routines to keep their home clean. Including a place for weird things, like clothes that are to be taken to the sewing shop, or borrowed things that need to be returned to their owner.
Every object has got a home.
And yet!
When it comes to their relationships, they can find themselves carrying around a ton of unsorted expectations, disappointments, and even adopted beliefs from others which they never bothered to organize, declutter, or look after.
They simply assume that there will be one partner, who will just tie aaaaalllll loose ends together.
And I have been like that myself, so I don’t blame you.
For a long time I assumed that my sexual healing would come from having the perfect lover. I know now that sexual healing is an inside job, and it may actually be wiser to not have a lover during the time you’re figuring stuff out.
It all comes down to not having the parts of your personality, or your beliefs, in place, that you’re going to need in order to do your part of your perfect time between the sheets, or your part in the relationship.
If Mr.Right or Mrs.Right comes along when you’re still a hot mess, then don’t turn them away. But definitely don’t assume that becoming good at relationships, or sex, is something you need a partner for.
It’s all in the head.
Repeat.
IT S ALL IN THE HEAD.
And once you’ve got it figured out in there, you can be with anyone you choose.
One of the things my lover keeps bringing up as a reason why he thinks our relationship has not been properly tested (enough for him to consider giving up his marriage), is that we spent so little time together.
And I always tell him that if we would see more of each other, nothing would change in that area.
I’m simply extremely good at relationships.
That’s not a lucky shot, nor is it something that would change if we had more time together.
What is interesting, is something I picked up from the BDSM scene. Although the word mistress means the dominant in the BDSM scene, in my case being a mistress is my preferred relationship form. I can see the benefits of being the other woman.
But within my affair, I’m submissive.
I let him decide when he wants to see me and in bed I take great pleasure in doing “as I’m told”. Quotation marks, because a good dominant works his butt off to please you and read your signals, but maybe you already knew that.
Anyway my lover and me are role players. We will “play”anything in which he is the dominant and I’m the submissive.
Again quotation marks, because our play is very informal, and often doesn’t take more than a few words. We never dress the part or anything. No whips are involved.
S0 although we’re not part of the BDSM scene, I did pick up a wisdom from that scene that really hit home for me:
The dominant wants to feel needed. The submissive needs to feel wanted.
This sentence gives the Achilles heel to my relationship coping skills:
I, the harmonious submissive, need to feel wanted.
If he would demand the impossible, or is angry with me or anything like that;
I can handle it.
But if I feel unwanted, for example if my presence would be ignored, then I would leave. Staying would be unbearable, and make me incredibly sad.
So a very important part of me being good at this relationship is that I have this picture of my role in my head. And I can also see how I could potentially ruin our entire relationship, if I would do anything to undermine his power.
This does also require a dominant/ a man to stand his ground.
I don’t need to get a spanking or anything – although I wouldn’t mind! – but it is crucial that a man immediately calls me out on it, if I cross the line.
So having this picture in my head of our desired power dynamic, is a fantastic guideline for me.
And then there is the second.
I have to hand it to my lover: this one is indeed currently (still?) tied to being his secret mistress.
Because the second image I have in my head, on who I want to be within our affair and which guides me, is that of someone who you associate with the good times, with feeling loved and admired.
Someone who will enjoy every minute of your time together.
However, here’s the trick:
This is not just to please him!
I get so much pleasure out of it myself. I get to leave all my emotional baggage behind, my old limited self; And be a new and improved version of me.
When I go on a date with my lover, I not just step out of my house, but also out of my old shell.
And into a life filled with sparkles, love and laughter.
A thousand dollar hotel room.

~The Mistress

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99.9% of men don’t have a mistress | The Mistress Speaks episode 1

Oh finally, she lets me speak?
Now that LS Harteveld has stopped writing her dairy because due to recent events, there was just no way she could keep sharing her love life without jeopardizing the secret identity of her lover?
Or perhaps future lovers, plural.
Because who ever believed men could restrain themselves right?
I certainly don’t.¬†
What a woman wants a woman gets. Even when she pulls herself out of the erotically charged equation, God will find a way to put the two of you together. Or the three of you.
So that he or she can lean back with a bowl of popcorn and watch the show of you seeing Life take over your perfectly rationalized way out of passion.
When was that ever going to work.
We’re talking about the second strongest power in the human body. The only thing stronger than sexual power, is your ability to kill and commit monstrous crimes (or are they really?) in order to stay alive.
Perhaps this rules vegans out from being successful cheaters.
I ve never met a vegan with a mistress, so I wouldn’t know. But if you want to have a mistress and enjoy it? You must be able put your will to live above that of someone else – before you can put your own pleasure over someone else’s jealousy.
And to not be consumed by guilt, afterwards.
But being vegan or otherwise overly responsible is really not the only sign your husband is NOT a cheater. 
That is the insane thing, when women meet me, they immediately assume I m after their man, or married men in general. Or against the entire system of marriage.
Not true.
First of all, the system of marriage works brilliantly as an economic and emotional treaty where you can accomplish way more things as a team than you can on your own.
So naturally, depending on your economic and emotional needs and wants, you will be susceptible to the idea of joining forces. Problems arise when one of the two parties think they will have bigger benefits (again whether economically or emotionally) if they team up with someone else.
Then a mistress-cheater situation can exist as stepping stone to a new marriage. But this is not my territory.
I am not their patron!
However I feel these homewreckers are not what scares married women. Those new women are after the same thing they once were. It’s hard not to sympathize with them at some level..
No, what triggers them is that I don’t prey on their husband. That I will “only” be the one he has the best sex of his life with, and there isn’t a goddamn thing they can do about it.¬†

Let’s assume I m right.
That it is the “real” mistress that infuriates them, and not the one by default.
Then my existence is still irrelevant for 99.9% of the marriages. Because most husbands are unfit to have a mistress. They’re not interested or capable of investing that much time and wooing; not in risking their entire life and marriage, and so on.
They really can’t be bothered, or they don’t have the confidence.
And this is great news because no mistress can turn your man into someone who goes out there, takes life by the balls, and spontaneously starts to play chess like a Pro, on two different boards at the same time. 
It’s just not possible.
If you’re a married woman, and you’re reading this, and you are wondering if your husband would, could, has? Then I have fantastic news.
Because either he didn’t.
OR
He did, but he belongs to the one percent within the one percent who can actually pull that off, which makes him a great catch in his own right.
HOWEVER
And this is important,
IF you think your relationship has gone from bad to worse a long time ago, and he’s not giving you attention, and things are sour?! Then please:
Address those issues in their own right.
Go save your marriage, get therapy, have a heart to heart, but leave cheating out of it. Either he is or he isn’t, is really none of your business. Especially not if your marriage has not been doing well. Make sure it starts doing well again.
Him cheating can exist within a great marriage.
And him being faithful doesn’t necessarily make a good husband.
I ve already talked too long. What can I say? Few will let me talk, and my frustration just bubbles up from inside of me.
Maybe that’s something I can close with:
Frustration is very unsexy and toxic. And it’s what happens if you focus on the stuff that you can’t control.
Like me.

~The Mistress

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