I have my notes here.
The ones I made after having sex with my lover. It was the first time we were together after a couple of major realizations, that made our encounter extra memorable.
But that also makes this my last blog post as a Mistress. Writing about the broader concepts behind being a mistress are no longer what I want to write about.
This is not where I develop.
At best these posts have been an attempt to make others, both men and women, more appreciative of their sexuality. And of the sexuality of their partner.
To realize that desire, disruption, secrecy and taking ownership of everything tingling, sizzling and bursting with excitement both below the belt and in your mind, are valuable gifts of life that can only be denied at the cost of, well, Life.
That we need to start talking about the heavy toll monogamy is taking on us, as a society. That unless we treat our preference for a faithful partner as a exactly that, a preference, something that excites us and turns us on, and not as the fear-based agreement it usually is – we are killing off both our own sexuality as well as our partner’s.
Partners who cheat are valuable assets.
They bring home fresh sexual energy, a sense of adventure and newness that you – perhaps unconsciously – singled out yourself if your partner walks that fine line between being yours and being everybody’s.
I will now limit the rest of this article to unfaithful men and female mistresses, but that’s not because I believe there is a difference.
Unfaithful women are just as wonderful an asset to a relationship as unfaithful men.
So back to the appreciation of unfaithful men:
First of all, and this is important in understanding why I am so adamant here: Most men are extremely faithful.
Because they want to but sometimes also because it would be too big of an investment in terms of energy, growth, or risk.
Sex in general, and cheating in particular, is at the top of emotionally charged social interaction.
That’s not for everybody.
It requires dedication, ruthless self-acceptance and basically a helluvalot of working through your shit, before you can even remotely start to enjoy it.
We treat sex as if it is simple, when it is actually the first thing you lose if there’s so much as a hair out of place in the way you view it. Or in the way you view yourself.
If you’re afraid of being rejected, at any stage of having sex or any stage of your affair or relationship? You’re going to start behaving out of alignment in order to avoid that rejection, and your sexuality will never thrive.
Not with one woman, let alone with two.
The most significant difference between people who have great sex and those who don’t is taking full and complete ownership over all of their sexual desires, and even their sexual insecurities. They don’t need somebody else to accept it for them, they do that themselves.
People with great sex lives do not require validation and justification on any level of their lives.
And the moment they feel they do? The moment they feel they start to behave differently, or present themselves differently, because they’re afraid of what the other person will think of them?
They work through it.
Automatically really, from what I ve seen.
They immediately take FULL OWNERSHIP (I can’t emphasize this enough) of whatever it is that they desire, which may not be within the taste of all the other people.
If you would ask me how to go about recovering your sexuality, which very well may involve cheating, when you’re currently in a relationship that you don’t want to end, I would say:
And then comes a spectrum of possibilities.
You can fully inform your partner about your choice, inviting the other person to be part of it. This is an open relationship, where communication and transparency are key elements.
The advantages are a clear conscience and little to no back-lashing.
The disadvantages are that it can become top heavy and tiresome to communicate all the time. With the other person so close, it can become blurred that ultimately your sexuality is your own responsibility.
And should be independent of your partner’s support.
On the other side of the spectrum there is not telling your partner, and develop it in secret.
The advantage is that you have full freedom to do it your own way, and really get to know yourself without altering your desires even a bit, in order to please your “normal” partner.
The disadvantage is feeling guilty and being under constant stress. And you have to take into account that ultimately one day she may find out, and hold you accountable for doing something terrible “to her”.
And no, this may not be the best time to bring up how your shared sex life benefited greatly from your entrepreneurial sexual side-hustle.
Even though of course, it did.
Ultimately what we are all drawn to is a partner who is present. Who is paying attention, and really connects with us.
Make it your goal to be a really good partner, and let her share in your positive vibration. Not because you feel guilty and feel you should be giving back, but because you are genuinely happy, and genuinely love her.
I often wonder if those men suddenly buying gifts and flowers for their own wife when they’re cheating are really acting from guilt, or if they have found their fun and zest for life, and want to share it at home.
Or, and this is maybe too far out for most of us, but I m going to say it anyway:
Say they are initially acting out of guilt? Then what would happen if you would receive it with the words: “Thank you! I like it so much when you’re so happy and light. Whatever it is you re doing, keep on doing it baby.”
And then you give him a really big kiss, and a wide smile and say:
“I love everything about you and I always will.”
The big difference I ve discovered between myself, a mistress, and women in normal relationships, is that I always make sure I can offer love and appreciation. Well, it’s easier really:
I make sure that I can offer.
I remember one time when we had a date, but I just had a friendship end that day. It was very painful, for all parties, and an incredible blow to our self-esteem. How could we have let this friendship turn so sour?
But instead of going to my lover as an escape, to attend to my wounded ego, I cancelled because I was not at the vibration I want to be at, when I am with him.
I had nothing to offer, so I cancelled.
Same thing when one night he was grumpy or the rarest of occasions when I receive a passive aggressive text: I hold my vibration high.
I hold the space on that top of the mountain, smile, invite him to come over. But if he wants feel sorry for himself or project stuff at me, then I can’t help him.
Because I m here. At the peak, you know, that place where we always meet, you and me. It’s where our bed is.
During our last rendez vous my lover smirked:
“You really own being a Mistress.”
More than anyone else he knows how confused I was, the first six months we were together. Just like any woman ending up as the other woman, I expected it to be a temporary situation. And for him to choose for me.
Until I flipped it all upside down, and realized the key here was commitment to my own feelings for him. It was almost like I had been saying to myself:
“I really love him, he’s the love of my life. But only if he chooses for me.”
As soon as I saw how silly this was, I vowed to nourish and attend to my own feelings for him. Instead of waiting for him or anyone else to validate them.
And that’s how I ve been living to this day.
The second big breakthrough came when I fully started trusting in him to be his own man and to make his own decisions.
Suddenly whether he did or didn’t leave his wife became unimportant.
Because I trusted he was capable of making his own decisions.
Whatever reason there was for being a married man with a mistress? It was his business, and his business only. I was just there to support him, in whatever it was he wanted to do or share.
I often wonder about vengeful mistresses, the Glenn Close type.
And it is my conclusion that they are the ones who want to be the number one partner, the real partner.
If that’s actually what would make them happy, or if they have a distorted view of their own sexuality? I m not sure, really.
What I do know is that I make it my job to completely disconnect being chosen, from my ego and self-worth. I love him very much, and I will end this final chapter of The Mistress Speaks with a juicy paragraph on why he is indispensable and I don’t see myself having this good of a relationship with anyone else, but as far as vengeful mistresses go – or vengeful wives for that matter! – I think it’s the ego.
You should never need being chosen, or being the only one, in order to feel good about yourself.
Aside from selling yourself short, it’s also not true.
People can only choose, what they want to receive.
If I am the partner, the mistress, who accepts and supports him, and encourages him to explore his sexuality and take care of himself?
I take all resistance out of being together.
He can’t fight me, he can’t project onto me, he can’t blame me for being unreasonable. The only person who will want that/me as a full-time partner is someone who also wants to be on top of the mountain all the time, and resolve all issues about jealousy, loneliness and pain, inside themselves.
I hold myself accountable for every minute of my life.
With whom I spend it, how I spend it, and in particular, the vibration I spend it in.
But in holding myself accountable, I also hold others accountable.
Not because I cannot accept them as they are, but because they see all the parts about themselves they do not like reflected in me.
I ve known other mistresses in my life, and almost all of them dislike me.
I ve known many people with “explorative” sexualities, and almost all of them dislike me too.
And almost all of that rejection is passive aggressive, by ignoring me by simply not calling, or by keeping me on as a friend for years on end (something I m no longer available for but it has happened) waiting for me to drastically change something about myself, usually to stop being so open, to stop being SO MUCH, to stop FLAUNTING my sexuality – so that I am worthy of their love again.
Ever since I m a mistress I ve been rejected time, after time, after time.
But it’s been going on for 8 years prior to that. The eight years I was single and the time it took me to understand my sexuality.
Now that I know I am a mistress?
Of course I am going to flaunt it.
I worked really really hard to figure this out.
I am a mistress which means someone who is deeply in love, deeply caring and supportive and usually monogamous because you can’t have those feelings for multiple men at the same time. But a mistress is also someone who likes secrecy and for her man to be exploratory, and have other women.
And yes, the most likely way to get all those desires met, is by being the other woman.
During our last encounter I asked him if he knew that when given the chance, I would koala-bear myself to him. And stop living my own life.
I would just hang there, and be patted, and I would look into the world with big eyes but never leave him.
“Not even to eat?” he asked.
“No. I would expect to be fed, but if that didn’t happen, I still wouldn’t leave.”
All this to explain, that the switch from being a mistress to being chosen, should never be a matter of ego. Your sense of self-worth should have nothing to do with it. Some men would love a koala woman.
Mine doesn’t, and I understand that completely!
Especially of course, since the koala, although cute, is not that sexually active.
I think the vengeful woman, or the ego wanting to be chosen, stems from our vision that we should have a man to ourselves.
That we “are worth it”as if a man is bottle of shampoo.
As long as you still adopt that as a truth, that you are a better, more complete person if your lover chooses you, you could in theory become a vengeful or at least a sad mistress.
But once you can see that you handpicked him, a married man, because you love him the most and he draws feelings out of you that no one else does, and perhaps also because you don’t really want to turn into a baby koala and that’s what would happen if he were available?
Then you no longer see yourself as being on the breadcrumb end of the relationship.
You know how rich and lucky you are.
And if he wants to break up his marriage for you, so that he has this supportive, exciting woman at his side? Or this cute clingy creature that follows him everywhere?
That is really up to him.
This post has turned out much longer than I intended to.
But this series, The Mistress Speaks, has become a lot shorter than I intended to. Maybe because over the years I ve already written many other posts about it.
I will collect them all, and publish them in a book Big Mistress.
But I think it’s also because my art, the way I express myself, has changed, since I started this series.
From a writer, I ve shifted towards being a speaker and my main medium is YouTube now.
The final reason this series will not be continued is that I m resuming my erotica writing. The first two years of my affair were the best, and resulted in the book
Big. Diaries and Erotica
Before I told myself to grow up and stop writing over what happened in the bedroom. But now that I can see how much writing erotica contributed to the quality of what we had – on all aspects, but especially sexually – I ll pick it up.
And stretch myself, so to speak 🙂
But it will be a private thing, just between him and me. If this first autobiographical erotica book, will be published or if it will just have to wait until after my death, just like the erotica of my idol Anais Nin?
I don’t know.
And maybe there will be more lovers, than one.
All I know is that I have to write about my sex life in order to make it magical, maybe even in order to create it.
Maybe the level of sexual intimacy I desire just cannot be created without putting in the effort, of the typical eight to ten hours an erotic story costs me.
The notes are still lying before me.
Of my last encounter with my lover. And I didn’t really grasp how special this man is to me, until days after it happened, when I had already stopped scribbling down notes.
This was just an extra thing, that made my jaw drop, and realize:
“Damn. I m never going to find anyone remotely like him.”
The notes talked about how we had been fantasizing about doing this more often. I think the favorite fantasy of secret lovers must be that they’re living together and that they have sex every day.
And we were kissing, cuddling and giggling and still in the process of taking each other’s clothes off. The thought of doing this every day, put more fuel onto the fire.
In the midst of our hushed talking he said, with that twinkle in his eyes and grin on his face, referring to our imaginative daily encounters:
“And from behind as well?”
I shut my eyes, groaned, bit my lip, unable to take in the thought of so much pleasure when it had already been so long since I had seen him.
As always, the time between our dates, combined with absence of communication until I had no idea if we were still “on”, gave every encounter a thrilling, overwhelming and oh-my-fucking-God atmosphere.
I opened my eyes again, which must have been just overflowing with desire by now, and answered:
“Yes. But not today.”
And he kept on grinning, and looking all sparkly, and just said something like “Okay.” while giving me a little nod as a sign he understood.
During sex, there was this point which I will not go into here – I will save that for my erotic story – but suffice to say I changed my mind.
And what was so striking, and this was originally what my erotic story was going to be about, was that his initial response to my hint was to move away.
He was remembering what I had said, so well, that his first response to a shift in my boundaries was that he made sure he was on the right side.
He didn’t say sorry, or apologize himself or anything.
But what I was going to let my erotic story revolve around was how moved I was, that pulling back was his first response to my hint.
Within a fraction of a section, he picked up that I meant the exact opposite, and he gave what I wanted without any hesitation.
That was going to be the central story line.
And then I found these texts we had exchanged right before he came to my house. I had made a backdoor joke! I had completely forgotten about that!
In my last message before he came here, I had already hinted at this. Full of anticipation!
And yet, what had he done when he was here?
He had brought the subject up, playfully. As if it was completely new. Made no reference to the text at all. He just tapped into how I was then, the moment we were together.
That’s how present he is, that’s the type of connection he makes. He never takes anything for granted, or assumes he knows anything about what I want, based on what I just said in a text.
And if half an hour after “not today” I change my mind, he works with that.
He doesn’t say: “But you said”
Not when I go from making backdoor jokes to answering “Not today”.
Not when I go from off-limits to a wordless plea for more.
It’s all okay, there’s never any judgement of anything.
After four and a half years I m beginning to understand I am not the only one accepting, understanding and loving unconditionally.
He’s been returning the favor.
All that time.