luxury | The Mistress Speaks episode 5

I tried to resist the urge to read back, to the first four posts. But then I needed to have a look anyway, to see which episode we were on.
And perhaps I longed for a little brush up, on what this series was about.
Unfortunately, I saw I had already written about many of the key insights, that are so fresh to me.  They’re guidelines I reconnect with frequently, in order to sustain this “lifestyle”.
Although lifestyle and the word luxury in the title, do not refer to something financial, nor to something that gives me status.
The reason I refer to mistresshood as a luxury, is because it is.
Most people have dreams that either include, or require, an emotionally stable home base, or a double income. And others have needs or problems which will be relieved if they could stabilize themselves, by being able to focus on one person. Or if they’re saved by someone who will supply the base level of what it is they’re missing.
Labels of sexual preference, gay, straight, bi, and to a lesser extend monogamous and polyamorous, are not an actual representation of the diversity; They’re simply the only people who found it absolutely impossible to function in a monogamous, heterosexual relationship.
They had no choice but to start acknowledging their sexual nature.
And often realize their sexuality, preferences, kinks and turnoffs, are made of a thousand different aspects that make them unique. 
But barely anyone investigates their sexuality, as long as it functions half decent,  within the boundaries of what we think is normal.
And this is because we have all those needs and wants in the rest of our life, on an earthy, practical level. So unless you absolutely don’t function within normality, exploring your true nature comes at way too big a cost.
For me it took over a decade of dedicated soul and sex searching before I realized what was “wrong” with me:
I like to be monogamous, so have one sexual partner.
With whom I m MADLY in love!
But I need this man to be in control.
There is a part of me that says: I need this man to fool around a bit, and be unreliable.
But that’s not exactly true… I need him to be fascinating, and do his OWN THING. Whether he actually has sex with other women is completely beside the point, but he needs to keep me interested.
He needs to pull the string of wool back from the playing cat, so that I can chase it. Or wonder if he will come back to play. He cannot give me the ball of wool. I would be extremely bored.
So this was the detailed version of the story.
I usually round it off to:
“I am monogamous, but I need a man who’s not.”
For me understanding this has been absolutely huge!
But it took me ten years.
Years I could have spent building a multi-million dollar empire, traveling the world, raising children. I didn’t do any of those things.
I just dated, got home, and wrote everything out like a mad woman.
For ten years.
THAT is luxury!
And one few people have. Not unless they’re willing to give up their needs, their wants, and their reserves.
Because it doesn’t stop. They say love is a verb; well that is true regardless of which form you put it into.
You always have to work.
You always get tested.
Even the most non-committal structure has its challenges.
I don’t have much experience with one night-stands, but from what I ve noticed is that they put a huge strain on my self-esteem. It is practically impossible for me to share myself physically, and to not die of anxiety in the days after.
That terrible craving for connection after I had sex with someone, that’s the reason I am monogamous, in the sense that I only want one partner.
I don’t have that post-sex connection with my lover, either. He doesn’t text me or anything. But because it’s been the same man for almost four years now, I can statistically assume he’ll not grow tired of me overnight.
Or that he’s no longer interested because he has already “had” me.
Every time I see him, still feels like the first to me. But the history we share do make the after-sex dip bearable. Often I don’t feel it at all, or only very briefly.
But I get tested too, in my (at first glance) non-committal arrangement of being his secret lover.
Just this week, it really came up for me!
I felt a stab of jealousy, and insecurity. A full realization that if I find it arousing to not know what he’s up to, he might actually be up to something!
Jealousy can cut you swiftly and ugly.
And it did.
Even though I know it’s part of the game. Part of what I like here.
And not having him to myself is the reason I m still in love after such a long time; I know that for certain.
So then I m tested with these feelings of doubt. Will I lose him?
Will he choose his wife, or leave her for another woman, who s not me?
There’s all kinds of scenarios where I could still end up empty handed, before our four year anniversary.
And that’s when I remind myself:
This is a luxury.
My relationship with him, is pure pleasure, consent, desire, and lust. We love each other deeply. I know that, even though we never speak such words.
It can be felt.
But it’s that fresh type of love which is connected to wanting. Not to needing.
The moments I think I need to know if he’s “faithful”, are my tests. They’re red flags; Not of our relationship.
But of me trying to turn this into something that it never was. And that I don’t even want it to be.
Having a lover is a luxury.
And no matter what happens in life, it’s one I will insist on having.

~The Mistress

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paradise | The Mistress Speaks episode 4

Even though I call myself a diarist, and a sex writer, it is especially in describing sex with Mr.Big that I feel ineloquent. Incapable of sharing the meaning these moments have for me.
I am aware the reason I feel this good is partially because I always make sure I m in the right mood, and have a positive mindset when we meet.
But the reason our entire affair is so lovely, is also thanks to him, as well.
How he, specifically with me, behaves.
They say in war neutrality is not an accomplishment. It is a favor. The other countries must allow for it. Naturally, the country which aspires to be neutral cannot be aggressive, and has to be diplomatic.
But if your location is on a strategic position within the battle field, or the resources of your country are vital for the course of the war, then you will be sucked into it.
No favors for you.
It is only when other countries benefit from you being neutral, that you will get that position.
As soon as Mr.Big realized I would never bring any negativity into our relationship – only support, love, and admiration – I got only his best side too.
There was an article today, on top ten things that blew up your relationship.
Whining was a big one, and sitting in sweat pants on the couch.
And in one of those ten things, I can’t remember which one but that’s because it could have been any of them, it stressed something like:
“Or he’ll be very susceptible to that bimbo who will want to admire his penis three times a day.” 
I almost got heart eyes on the spot, at the thought that I would be allowed to admire his penis three times a day! Clearly I was that bimbo, who was eager to give your man what you were withholding.
I resisted the urge to leave a provocative comment, that these bimbos indeed existed and were happy to take him, if you weren’t taking proper care of him.
But ironically?
You really can’t prevent a man from cheating by behaving in a different way. So from that perspective you can behave as poorly as you want.
The result will be the same.
Either he isn’t a cheater, and then he won’t.
Or he is and then he will.
And some of the latter are the ones with mistresses, which are long-term arrangements with the same woman.
But these could still be simple sexual arrangements. Something with a low-cost emotional investment.
Personally?
I m not interested in those.
I mean, he can feel as little or as much as he wants for me. But I want to be swept of my feet, and be head over heels in love. I m not interested in having my sex life taken care of in a carefree manner, by sleeping with a married man.
Taking care of my sex life is not a priority for me.
Being in love is.
So narrowing it down to the men who have mistresses, you can go even further, to the men who love, or have, two women.
A wife, as well as a mistress who in this case is not a low key arrangement.
He may not have realized this at the beginning, and he certainly will not have set out for it, but the truth is that he not only loves them both;
The two women also represent two totally different sides of himself.
The husband en the rebel.
He can’t choose without denying half of his personality.
Just like there is a huge difference between a mistress by default – which is a woman who is temporarily a mistress, but is ultimately only interested in having him for herself.
And the real mistress; Who understands this peculiar relationship form is actually in her benefit. That it hits on her kinks for secrecy, feeling special, and only having quality time.
The same goes for the cheater.
There are those for whom a mistress will be a temporary situation, until he makes up his mind choosing either for his wife or for the mistress, who will be his new wife.
And there are men who will never be fulfilled with one woman. 
They can make themselves choose, but it will start all over again.
Anyway: I see I made a mistake.
I said you couldn’t prevent a man from having a mistress, by behaving like his ideal wife. And by refraining from the ten super stupid things you can do to blow up your relationship.
You can prevent it, but only if it’s a man who wants to replace you.
You can’t if he’s a real cheater, in any way shape or form.
It’s as simple as that.
But I opened by saying that part of the reason sex with him feels so good, is because I have the right mindset. And I don’t do those ten stupid things that blow up your relationship.
The moment I can feel myself getting accusatory, I immediately correct myself. Because this is not who I want to be. I want to view everything he does with the curiosity and adoration, the same way I would like to admire his penis three times a day.
And it’s that attitude that not only makes me a great mistress for myself – because I don’t come even near that dark self-righteous corner of the mind when we’re together – but it also makes me a great mistress for him.
He really could be that country at war with everybody else, but that I’m his peaceful paradise.
Everything is perfect here. Everything admired. Everything loved.
And in giving that to him, I m also giving that to myself.
No wonder the moments and the sex we share, are so magical.
And that I can’t find words.

~The Mistress

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poker | The Mistress Speaks episode 3

There are many things that surprise me about both monogamous, as well as open relationships.
But there is one aspect I understand.
Totally.
An aspect where I see the benefits of what they have, versus what I prefer.
But it is something that is almost always overlooked.
Yet it is going to make the difference between thriving at being a mistress;
Or forever stuck in the blame game on It’s-not-fair track.
And that difference is whether you like poker.
Or not.
Monogamous relationships as well as open or poly-amorous relationships, are based on the assumption that there is a relationship. A bond between two people, that serves as the basis for whatever the partners do, or are not allowed to do.
Assumptions, expectations, and culture determine the features of the relationship, and in rare cases even personal preference. But usually they are modeled according to an idea or an example relationship, that both parties agree on.
These agreed upon terms will prove to be a living thing, altered, coveted and manipulated, yet they will be referred to in every conflict.
Transparency, honesty, and equality are cornerstones within these treaties, regardless of the form or relationship style. Cheating (not telling your partner what you’re doing), ghosting (dropping out of contact without explanation), and gas lighting (deliberatly triggering someone’s mental weak spots or traumas) is behavior that is frowned upon by anybody who has ever given the whole concept of relationships a second thought.
They are simply not acceptable.
And if you are in a relationship with someone who does these things, then you, the victim, should get out immediately, or try to change things around.
It is not okay to endure such things.
They’re immoral.
Staying is a sign of your failure as well, because apparently you’re unable to find or create a healthy, mature relationship.
But a good mistress steps away from the idea of having a normal relationship. The rules don’t apply to her, because she is not the rightful partner.
And that’s when it all becomes an internal game, like poker.
Because if she calls her lover out on using or abusing power dynamics?
She loses.
Just like in poker, she has to internally deal with her insecurities. And without showing them. Ideally she completely ignores what her lover has done to her, and even counter it by responding loving, understanding, and being entirely okay and happy living her own life.
It’s almost like reversed gas lighting, where the perpetrator will definitely notice his trick is not working, and might even think he’s lost “it”.
Which he hasn’t, of course.
Because within normal relationships? That shit ALWAYS works!
Whenever you want your partner to feel really bad, and basically derail the conversation, all you have to do is lie, play stupid or push some buttons, and bam!
That other person will immediately go berserk. First on you, then call her friends, then sulk in frustration for days. All attention will be drawn away from the initial conversation that you didn’t want to have.
That you chose to blow up.
And now the partner who was playing by the rules has basically behaved so poorly, that the other, less honest, cheating, lying party wins. And she may want him back, but there is an internal struggle because she thinks she should leave him. Either she comes back after he makes her feel good about herself, and about him. Or it’s worse and she goes back crawling with incredibly low self-esteem.
In both scenarios he’s come out of it more powerful, and she more weakened.
But the problem of course, the reason she’s coming back, is that there is a super high chance that she likes him even more.
BECAUSE he was totally not sympathetic to her needs!
It’s a Mr.Big and Carrie like situation, from Sex and the City.
She was always the one to break up, because he refused to play by her rules. But that’s what made him so exciting.
So that’s how normal relationships in the normal world play out.
Either both parties play by those rules, and are a team.
Or either one doesn’t and the whole thing feels off.
Whereas a good mistress plays an entirely different game which will allow her to keep her calm with even the most cunning man. So you don’t want to lose six seasons, before you get your Mr.Big? And you don’t want to lose your self-esteem the next time he gaslights you?
Then pay attention.
The key to being a good mistress, versus being a frustrated mistress, or a frustrated partner, is to solve all your shit INTERNALLY.
And without even raising an eyebrow!
You must show absolutely nothing.
And just like in poker, it is crucial that you play your cards right.
Brace yourself, because the moment you can’t project this on a lover, you will practically be overwhelmed by a terrible feeling of insecurity, fear, bad memories and so on. And the painful realization that you have made him the solution. That you were angry because you wanted him to behave in some magic way, so that you didn’t have to feel all that.
That he makes you feel loved, so that you’re never lonely.
That he convinces you, you’re the only one, so that you’re never jealous.
Or that he tells you everything about his adventures, so that there are no secrets anymore and you don’t have to feel left out.
And so on.
But the truth is, that as long as you make you feeling good about yourself dependent on somebody else? It’s never going to be enough.
The holes in your soul cannot be filled by finding the right man.
YOU are the one who has to fix them.
And from that perspective, I have found it extremely beneficial to be a mistress, instead of in a normal relationship.
I have no choice but to fix the holes myself.
And ironically, keeping up the facade is the first step. Because if I play happy and in control, I feel happy and in control.
It’s that easy.
And then after this game of sitting through it, and fake it till you make it, I find out that I really am okay.
Always.
Even if he doesn’t call, or doesn’t seem to value me the way I think I “should be” valued – because of who I am, what we have, or any of those things.
My lover, to whom I am a secret mistress, has allowed me to grow stronger and more mature, way more than if I had stayed with men who understood me,  were willing to accommodate me, and work around my fears and insecurities.
I understand the rules of normal relationships, and few would trade them for a game where the stakes are high, there is no “us”, and either you learn how to play?
Or you’re out.
But I fear the comfort of a normal relationship, as if it was the devil himself. 

~The Mistress

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it’s all in your head | The Mistress Speaks episode 2

There is a saying:
“Space is your most precious piece of furniture.”
Everybody who’s ever worked with an architect or interior designer will have heard of it.
And I wonder:
Why is it that when it comes to spaces we are well aware that an expensive hotelroom feels like an invitation to stay in, make love, and leave after a few hours or a few days with memories that will last you until your next date or the rest of your life?
And yet we tend to stuff both our houses, but also our relationships, with stuff we picked up along the way, and that we may not even be particularly happy with?
Why are we willing to pay hundreds of dollars for a hotelroom, and yet at the same time allow junk into our own homes?
You can see it in your house if you’re holding on to stuff that doesn’t make you happy. But there are also plenty of people who don’t do that, and even have routines to keep their home clean. Including a place for weird things, like clothes that are to be taken to the sewing shop, or borrowed things that need to be returned to their owner.
Every object has got a home.
And yet!
When it comes to their relationships, they can find themselves carrying around a ton of unsorted expectations, disappointments, and even adopted beliefs from others which they never bothered to organize, declutter, or look after.
They simply assume that there will be one partner, who will just tie aaaaalllll loose ends together.
And I have been like that myself, so I don’t blame you.
For a long time I assumed that my sexual healing would come from having the perfect lover. I know now that sexual healing is an inside job, and it may actually be wiser to not have a lover during the time you’re figuring stuff out.
It all comes down to not having the parts of your personality, or your beliefs, in place, that you’re going to need in order to do your part of your perfect time between the sheets, or your part in the relationship.
If Mr.Right or Mrs.Right comes along when you’re still a hot mess, then don’t turn them away. But definitely don’t assume that becoming good at relationships, or sex, is something you need a partner for.
It’s all in the head.
Repeat.
IT S ALL IN THE HEAD.
And once you’ve got it figured out in there, you can be with anyone you choose.
One of the things my lover keeps bringing up as a reason why he thinks our relationship has not been properly tested (enough for him to consider giving up his marriage), is that we spent so little time together.
And I always tell him that if we would see more of each other, nothing would change in that area.
I’m simply extremely good at relationships.
That’s not a lucky shot, nor is it something that would change if we had more time together.
What is interesting, is something I picked up from the BDSM scene. Although the word mistress means the dominant in the BDSM scene, in my case being a mistress is my preferred relationship form. I can see the benefits of being the other woman.
But within my affair, I’m submissive.
I let him decide when he wants to see me and in bed I take great pleasure in doing “as I’m told”. Quotation marks, because a good dominant works his butt off to please you and read your signals, but maybe you already knew that.
Anyway my lover and me are role players. We will “play”anything in which he is the dominant and I’m the submissive.
Again quotation marks, because our play is very informal, and often doesn’t take more than a few words. We never dress the part or anything. No whips are involved.
S0 although we’re not part of the BDSM scene, I did pick up a wisdom from that scene that really hit home for me:
The dominant wants to feel needed. The submissive needs to feel wanted.
This sentence gives the Achilles heel to my relationship coping skills:
I, the harmonious submissive, need to feel wanted.
If he would demand the impossible, or is angry with me or anything like that;
I can handle it.
But if I feel unwanted, for example if my presence would be ignored, then I would leave. Staying would be unbearable, and make me incredibly sad.
So a very important part of me being good at this relationship is that I have this picture of my role in my head. And I can also see how I could potentially ruin our entire relationship, if I would do anything to undermine his power.
This does also require a dominant/ a man to stand his ground.
I don’t need to get a spanking or anything – although I wouldn’t mind! – but it is crucial that a man immediately calls me out on it, if I cross the line.
So having this picture in my head of our desired power dynamic, is a fantastic guideline for me.
And then there is the second.
I have to hand it to my lover: this one is indeed currently (still?) tied to being his secret mistress.
Because the second image I have in my head, on who I want to be within our affair and which guides me, is that of someone who you associate with the good times, with feeling loved and admired.
Someone who will enjoy every minute of your time together.
However, here’s the trick:
This is not just to please him!
I get so much pleasure out of it myself. I get to leave all my emotional baggage behind, my old limited self; And be a new and improved version of me.
When I go on a date with my lover, I not just step out of my house, but also out of my old shell.
And into a life filled with sparkles, love and laughter.
A thousand dollar hotel room.

~The Mistress

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99.9% of men don’t have a mistress | The Mistress Speaks episode 1

Oh finally, she lets me speak?
Now that LS Harteveld has stopped writing her dairy because due to recent events, there was just no way she could keep sharing her love life without jeopardizing the secret identity of her lover?
Or perhaps future lovers, plural.
Because who ever believed men could restrain themselves right?
I certainly don’t. 
What a woman wants a woman gets. Even when she pulls herself out of the erotically charged equation, God will find a way to put the two of you together. Or the three of you.
So that he or she can lean back with a bowl of popcorn and watch the show of you seeing Life take over your perfectly rationalized way out of passion.
When was that ever going to work.
We’re talking about the second strongest power in the human body. The only thing stronger than sexual power, is your ability to kill and commit monstrous crimes (or are they really?) in order to stay alive.
Perhaps this rules vegans out from being successful cheaters.
I ve never met a vegan with a mistress, so I wouldn’t know. But if you want to have a mistress and enjoy it? You must be able put your will to live above that of someone else – before you can put your own pleasure over someone else’s jealousy.
And to not be consumed by guilt, afterwards.
But being vegan or otherwise overly responsible is really not the only sign your husband is NOT a cheater. 
That is the insane thing, when women meet me, they immediately assume I m after their man, or married men in general. Or against the entire system of marriage.
Not true.
First of all, the system of marriage works brilliantly as an economic and emotional treaty where you can accomplish way more things as a team than you can on your own.
So naturally, depending on your economic and emotional needs and wants, you will be susceptible to the idea of joining forces. Problems arise when one of the two parties think they will have bigger benefits (again whether economically or emotionally) if they team up with someone else.
Then a mistress-cheater situation can exist as stepping stone to a new marriage. But this is not my territory.
I am not their patron!
However I feel these homewreckers are not what scares married women. Those new women are after the same thing they once were. It’s hard not to sympathize with them at some level..
No, what triggers them is that I don’t prey on their husband. That I will “only” be the one he has the best sex of his life with, and there isn’t a goddamn thing they can do about it. 

Let’s assume I m right.
That it is the “real” mistress that infuriates them, and not the one by default.
Then my existence is still irrelevant for 99.9% of the marriages. Because most husbands are unfit to have a mistress. They’re not interested or capable of investing that much time and wooing; not in risking their entire life and marriage, and so on.
They really can’t be bothered, or they don’t have the confidence.
And this is great news because no mistress can turn your man into someone who goes out there, takes life by the balls, and spontaneously starts to play chess like a Pro, on two different boards at the same time. 
It’s just not possible.
If you’re a married woman, and you’re reading this, and you are wondering if your husband would, could, has? Then I have fantastic news.
Because either he didn’t.
OR
He did, but he belongs to the one percent within the one percent who can actually pull that off, which makes him a great catch in his own right.
HOWEVER
And this is important,
IF you think your relationship has gone from bad to worse a long time ago, and he’s not giving you attention, and things are sour?! Then please:
Address those issues in their own right.
Go save your marriage, get therapy, have a heart to heart, but leave cheating out of it. Either he is or he isn’t, is really none of your business. Especially not if your marriage has not been doing well. Make sure it starts doing well again.
Him cheating can exist within a great marriage.
And him being faithful doesn’t necessarily make a good husband.
I ve already talked too long. What can I say? Few will let me talk, and my frustration just bubbles up from inside of me.
Maybe that’s something I can close with:
Frustration is very unsexy and toxic. And it’s what happens if you focus on the stuff that you can’t control.
Like me.

~The Mistress

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