There is a saying:
“Space is your most precious piece of furniture.”
Everybody who’s ever worked with an architect or interior designer will have heard of it.
And I wonder:
Why is it that when it comes to spaces we are well aware that an expensive hotelroom feels like an invitation to stay in, make love, and leave after a few hours or a few days with memories that will last you until your next date or the rest of your life?
And yet we tend to stuff both our houses, but also our relationships, with stuff we picked up along the way, and that we may not even be particularly happy with?
Why are we willing to pay hundreds of dollars for a hotelroom, and yet at the same time allow junk into our own homes?
You can see it in your house if you’re holding on to stuff that doesn’t make you happy. But there are also plenty of people who don’t do that, and even have routines to keep their home clean. Including a place for weird things, like clothes that are to be taken to the sewing shop, or borrowed things that need to be returned to their owner.
Every object has got a home.
When it comes to their relationships, they can find themselves carrying around a ton of unsorted expectations, disappointments, and even adopted beliefs from others which they never bothered to organize, declutter, or look after.
They simply assume that there will be one partner, who will just tie aaaaalllll loose ends together.
And I have been like that myself, so I don’t blame you.
For a long time I assumed that my sexual healing would come from having the perfect lover. I know now that sexual healing is an inside job, and it may actually be wiser to not have a lover during the time you’re figuring stuff out.
It all comes down to not having the parts of your personality, or your beliefs, in place, that you’re going to need in order to do your part of your perfect time between the sheets, or your part in the relationship.
If Mr.Right or Mrs.Right comes along when you’re still a hot mess, then don’t turn them away. But definitely don’t assume that becoming good at relationships, or sex, is something you need a partner for.
It’s all in the head.
IT S ALL IN THE HEAD.
And once you’ve got it figured out in there, you can be with anyone you choose.
One of the things my lover keeps bringing up as a reason why he thinks our relationship has not been properly tested (enough for him to consider giving up his marriage), is that we spent so little time together.
And I always tell him that if we would see more of each other, nothing would change in that area.
I’m simply extremely good at relationships.
That’s not a lucky shot, nor is it something that would change if we had more time together.
What is interesting, is something I picked up from the BDSM scene. Although the word mistress means the dominant in the BDSM scene, in my case being a mistress is my preferred relationship form. I can see the benefits of being the other woman.
But within my affair, I’m submissive.
I let him decide when he wants to see me and in bed I take great pleasure in doing “as I’m told”. Quotation marks, because a good dominant works his butt off to please you and read your signals, but maybe you already knew that.
Anyway my lover and me are role players. We will “play”anything in which he is the dominant and I’m the submissive.
Again quotation marks, because our play is very informal, and often doesn’t take more than a few words. We never dress the part or anything. No whips are involved.
S0 although we’re not part of the BDSM scene, I did pick up a wisdom from that scene that really hit home for me:
The dominant wants to feel needed. The submissive needs to feel wanted.
This sentence gives the Achilles heel to my relationship coping skills:
I, the harmonious submissive, need to feel wanted.
If he would demand the impossible, or is angry with me or anything like that;
I can handle it.
But if I feel unwanted, for example if my presence would be ignored, then I would leave. Staying would be unbearable, and make me incredibly sad.
So a very important part of me being good at this relationship is that I have this picture of my role in my head. And I can also see how I could potentially ruin our entire relationship, if I would do anything to undermine his power.
This does also require a dominant/ a man to stand his ground.
I don’t need to get a spanking or anything – although I wouldn’t mind! – but it is crucial that a man immediately calls me out on it, if I cross the line.
So having this picture in my head of our desired power dynamic, is a fantastic guideline for me.
And then there is the second.
I have to hand it to my lover: this one is indeed currently (still?) tied to being his secret mistress.
Because the second image I have in my head, on who I want to be within our affair and which guides me, is that of someone who you associate with the good times, with feeling loved and admired.
Someone who will enjoy every minute of your time together.
However, here’s the trick:
This is not just to please him!
I get so much pleasure out of it myself. I get to leave all my emotional baggage behind, my old limited self; And be a new and improved version of me.
When I go on a date with my lover, I not just step out of my house, but also out of my old shell.
And into a life filled with sparkles, love and laughter.
A thousand dollar hotel room.