White Heat

Erotica writer by day.
Yoga teacher by night.
That’s how LS Harteveld has lived her life for over a decade.
Which was all fine until she stopped being a yoga teacher and now two parts of her personality are at each other’s throats.

You don’t decide to end a fifteen year career as a yoga teacher overnight.
I had actually already made the decision last summer, but turned it back when I realized I needed the studio address, due to Dutch legislation.
Unless I looked forward to having my home address being made public by the Chamber of Commerce.
Eh… public address, while writing hot stories about my sex life?
Unacceptable.
Dutch legislation is pretty strict.
Writers too, have to register as entrepreneurs.
So I decided to stay on as a yoga teacher. That way I could make the money back on my business location. The only thing I changed was I switched from teaching group classes to privates.
And I was doing okay.
Or maybe I just didn’t really think about it and had made a pragmatic decision.
But last Wednesday I ran into a colleague and she asked how I was doing. 

“I don’t know really. I just realized my calendar is empty. I don’t have any appointments anymore.”
I could still give it an extra push and use the upcoming months to make my new business work. But if I would stop now I wouldn’t have to inform or disappoint anybody.
I could just sneak out.
There had already been enough drama and goodbyes when I had ended my group classes. And now after the initial bookings my calendar was open… 
I was free.
“I have no idea how I feel about this,” I said to my colleague.
But it was clear that the lack of clients wasn’t exactly crushing me.
And indeed, within a day after the conversation with my colleague, I made the decision to quit and this time for good. I was pretty relieved, maybe a bit numb.
Until the truth kicked in and I fell into a crisis.
It was as if every part of my personality had to be taken down before I could be rebuild.
After a few days I woke up still feeling sore, and with the same violent headache that had put me to sleep. But before I got up, I saw a vision.
Who I was supposed to be.

How I was supposed to look.
And what I was supposed to do.
The headache disappeared and I felt reborn.
From now on I would be a fulltime writer.
Which was honestly just a formality, a choice to call it by its name because I had been writing erotica and diaries under pen name LS Harteveld for over a decade.
And I had six years of writing for my studio, under my belt.
Writing had already been a fulltime job and every time I had been in the middle of a writing spree and had to go to the studio, I had felt where my loyalty lay.
And what could easily be suspended.
But from now on it was official, and I really was a writer.
I was going to keep writing under both names, both accounts.
Which was funny because up until now I had always assumed LS Harteveld had been my “real” writing. That the other stuff, under my real name, was just to position myself and sell the yogaclasses.
But I now realized that I liked that work too.
I could curate that, and create it into books, and make it even better by including some extra posts from LS Harteveld!
For example my pieces on Star Wars, Madonna or pop culture.
There was no reason to have a pen name or be secretive about those.
I looked forward to positioning myself as a rebel yoga teacher, under my real name. Who after fifteen years was going to share what she really thought.
And suddenly I was thinking along a line that was making LS Harteveld territorial. I could hear her growling every time I added a topic or a blogpost of hers that would look pretty neat in my rebel yoga teacher book.
But it wasn’t until I was considering including my pieces on Steve Holmes and pornography, that I felt I was crossing a line.
I was breaking the agreement that LS Harteveld would have the diaries, and sexually explicit content. Therefor I could not call my debut book under my real name:
How I was enlightened by Madonna, Kylo Ren and pornography.
Before I could consider how I would actually feel about discussing double penetration on national TV, that last word (pornography) would already have LS Harteveld stepping in.
“Sex is ME. Porn is MY PART!”
No matter how famous I would be, under my real name, it would always be the toned down version of me. The side everyone, from the mailman to the exes from a hundred years ago, could Google. A highly productive side, that had her own blog, published rebel yoga books, and was a true power woman.
But like Yin and Yang, it would still be just the light half.
Holding only a little spot of darkness.
And everybody would be all like:
“Oh wow! She’s showing her dark side. How brave!”
Not knowing that the real darkness, including Steve Holmes, pornography, and double penetration, were all kept somewhere else.
Like treasures.
Safely stored, on the dark side.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

White Heat is the twenty-sixth chapter from Project M. 

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Both parts of my split writer personality are in love with
the dark side warrior Kylo Ren:

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