One of the things that struck me most, during this last month of the decade, is how I seem to have spent way more time processing The Rise of Skywalker, which presented me with the most unwelcome ending for the darkside warrior Kylo Ren, than I have processing the even more unwelcome breakup from my own darksider.
Which in itself, gave reason for endless analysis, but by that time it had become a meta question:
“Why am I so not okay with a fictional character not getting his happily ever, and not with me, not getting my happily ever after?”
Not being okay with the ending Disney had for us, bore the hallmarks of a dirty breakup.
All I could think of was: WHY?!
“WHY did you do this and that in (fill in Star Wars episode 7 or 8) and this and that in (fill in novelizations of 7 or 8)? And why did this and this actor say such and such about the movie; Only to have it end this way?”
“Why does the final 30 minutes of the movie not have any dialogue for Kylo Ren?
Was it really that last minute? After three years of production, you don’t even have scenes with dialogue that support the ending of your male protagonist?
So you just mute them and copy past the entire ending to a 40+ years saga?”
Yet, I never asked any explanation to my lover as to why he did what he did. The thought didn’t even cross my mind.
If anything, I offered an explanation to him.
During our 5 years together, he liked what I did for him. But it was something extra.
Like sugar or alcohol, or even a la carte dining at the finest restaurants.
I was something that he would always enjoy and maybe even need at some points in his life, but he would never allow it to be the basis of his life.
So he never made the impression he wanted me to be anything more, because he didn’t see a future where I played a role he understood.
I don’t want to live together, nor get married.
I don’t want to be seen as a couple, unless it’s a super modern one, where people understand I am his equal. A woman who will win over his heart time and time again, but who may spend time in your bed or your life.
If he stays with you, then good for you.
It was fair game and I lost.
But I m not going to pretend to be the traditional woman next to a successful man. I m not a trophy wife, nor a gold digger, nor am I half of a power couple who go to events together and are praised and admired by the other successful people around them.
The business man and his second wife, the writer.
Not going to happen, because then we become part of the people around us. We become owned, and I am free.
But I respect that he wants to play a bigger role, a more traditional one. He already had that when we met. I applaud that when he feels the time has come to focus on that, and he wants to leave his mistress.
“Goodbye. I will always love you, and miss you so much. But I understand, I really do.”
“wHaT tHe fLyInG fUcK dID yoU Do tHAt FOr?!”
As disturbed I was by Disney’s ending, and what it meant in the grand scheme of things – “who was behind it? What purpose did it serve?” – that’s how easy I could let go when it was my own lover.
I have a couple of pages of notes next to me.
They cover a lot.
From all the plot holes in The Rise of Skywalker, to the symbolic meaning of The Emporer, the symbolism of killing off a dark and conflicted character who is loved by the female heroine.
The notes speak of ways in which Kylo Ren/ Ben Solo could come back, because the world where he died, Exogol, is part of the World Between Worlds.
The rules of life and death do not apply there.
There are many notes, but in the end I think the only purpose they really served was for me to understand we are never entitled to happy endings.
Not even if it’s Disney, let alone real life.
That people may or may not come back.
But that the most important thing is that you let them go, when they have to leave.
And never stop loving them.
An unexamined life is not worth living
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I usually write for my 1994 diary:
1994: A Performance Art Project
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