“You are still holding on. Let go!”

I never thought of myself as a particularly  good yoga teacher.
Not that there is anything wrong with my teaching skills.
I regard them very highly.

I know how to use my voice, and  my classes are calm and relaxing.
But my personality, my gifts, that which I really want to offer, could offer, and sometimes even do offer, is not what people expect of a yoga teacher.
At least not from a vegetarian, India traveling, retreats teaching, natural fabrics wearing, diligently AM morning practicing yoga teacher;
an image that has been dominating the media.

Nor do I live up to the standards yoga teacher training set for me.
In fact I made it a point not to.
I’ve always felt that there was something innately wrong with behaving the way a yoga teacher was supposed to behave. And yet I ve concluded a million times that despite my pointless efforts to get a daily AM yoga practice the last decade or so;
I would get up at 5AM and snap right into my yoga practice if I would have a corporate job!
And would quit drinking.
And could even go as far as becoming vegan.
Just to prove I was different and not an average corporate employee.

My last post here explains that this is a Rebel tendency.
When yoga is an act of rebellion, I want to do it. With a chance of adding the clean eating and the self-control that is associated with serious yoga practitioners.

{ If you are curious which personality type you are take the test here and/or read my post here }

So although I would probably join the 5 A.M. self-practice yoga class at a glamorous studio, if I worked in a corporate setting;
As a yoga teacher, I can’t possibly make myself do something that is considered best practice for my profession.
Nor adopt habits that are considered mandatory in my industry. In fact, like I said: I make it a point not to do that.

And even when I can see how the AM practice could be beneficial for me? Spending less time at my desk, getting really good at yoga? My 19 year old thighs back? Still not possible. Not going to do it. No matter how many challenges I embark upon.

Now that I know this, I think I have tweaked it for the rest of my life.
It’s something that I’ve toyed with on and off for the last couple of years. But after realizing I am the rebel type, I know I was on the right track, and that this is gonna stick;

My personal, rebellious way of doing a home practice is not normal yoga. But consists of making yoga and fitness videos. It’s monetizable. It’s work. It’s not a proper, moving inward, grown-up practice.
And it still might give me my thighs back too!

Because I ve calculated that at nineteen, I did four one hour workouts a week. Which is exactly the amount of practice I get now as well.

So knowing I had the Rebel tendency, helped me solidify that. But there was something else, beside the lack of self-practice, that was bothering me;
My view on things. My wisdom.

And for at least one whole day, I thought that having the Rebel label attached to them, was the definite verdict I was a bad yoga teacher.
Aside from the quality of my actual yoga teaching, which is good.

But I felt my Rebel status disconnected me from the other tendencies, who were far more common than mine. Sure, I knew I would be able to teach other Rebels how to live a good life. According to their unique set of values. But the system clearly stated Rebels were extremely rare.
So I felt my wisdom was useless to others.

Because my wisdom is based on something that only Rebels “can” do, or want to do; to be completely free of expectations.
To never expect a certain outcome, and instead only do the things which they want to do, on a soul level.
Never expecting anything in return.

And every time I meet a new frustrating situation, a person, a wrong doing, a disappointment, everything, I see it as a sign that I have inner work to do.
As Kylo Ren said it;
“No, no! You are still holding on!”

Frustration, to me, has become a sign I did something expecting a certain outcome. Not because I wanted to – at that moment – be with that person, do that work, spend that time, give that love.
But that I did it because I wanted to be rewarded for it.

“Let go!” Kylo Ren shouts.

So for a brief moment, I thought that my liberating insight was useless. Because I could suddenly see that it was only liberating for me. That the other types of the personality test, would probably not benefit from being free, the way I did.

So if my deepest insights into true happiness were useless to about 95% of other people, then I really was a bad yoga teacher.
I felt horrible.

Until, a little voice in my head reminded me of the great sages of history.
The wisdom of Tantra, Buddhism, Christianity. Had they not all said the same? To enjoy the work for the work.
To detach from the outcome.
To love and to open your heart because that is your way to enlightenment, not
 because someone will respond exactly the way you want them to.

Had not all of them said exactly the same thing as Kylo Ren?

“No, no! You are still holding on. Let go!”

And I realized that being a Rebel was far more compatible with being a yoga teacher, than I had ever imagined.

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

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Books LS Harteveld/ Lauren

Lauren’s books are available at LULU
New books will also be added to Lulu, as sites are being curated.


ABOUT ME 2020 update

I am Suzanne, the real name of Lauren Harteveld,
Lauren/ LS Harteveld was my second identity under which I wrote about sex, relationships, pop culture, from 2006 to 2020.
Lauren is now in 1995, so she will write offline for us.
Her first year 1994-1995:
Originally Lauren was going to write offline in 1995, but since I don’t have a sex life anymore, there is no reason for such discretion. 

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coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2020
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4.
Blote Kont- (Dutch)
5. ALL THE THINGS – unpublished work 2010 – 2020

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.
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Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/

 

 

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