There are many things that surprise me about both monogamous, as well as open relationships.
But there is one aspect I understand.
An aspect where I see the benefits of what they have, versus what I prefer.
But it is something that is almost always overlooked.
Yet it is going to make the difference between thriving at being a mistress;
Or forever stuck in the blame game on It’s-not-fair track.
And that difference is whether you like poker.
Monogamous relationships as well as open or poly-amorous relationships, are based on the assumption that there is a relationship. A bond between two people, that serves as the basis for whatever the partners do, or are not allowed to do.
Assumptions, expectations, and culture determine the features of the relationship, and in rare cases even personal preference. But usually they are modeled according to an idea or an example relationship, that both parties agree on.
These agreed upon terms will prove to be a living thing, altered, coveted and manipulated, yet they will be referred to in every conflict.
Transparency, honesty, and equality are cornerstones within these treaties, regardless of the form or relationship style. Cheating (not telling your partner what you’re doing), ghosting (dropping out of contact without explanation), and gas lighting (deliberatly triggering someone’s mental weak spots or traumas) is behavior that is frowned upon by anybody who has ever given the whole concept of relationships a second thought.
They are simply not acceptable.
And if you are in a relationship with someone who does these things, then you, the victim, should get out immediately, or try to change things around.
It is not okay to endure such things.
Staying is a sign of your failure as well, because apparently you’re unable to find or create a healthy, mature relationship.
But a good mistress steps away from the idea of having a normal relationship. The rules don’t apply to her, because she is not the rightful partner.
And that’s when it all becomes an internal game, like poker.
Because if she calls her lover out on using or abusing power dynamics?
Just like in poker, she has to internally deal with her insecurities. And without showing them. Ideally she completely ignores what her lover has done to her, and even counter it by responding loving, understanding, and being entirely okay and happy living her own life.
It’s almost like reversed gas lighting, where the perpetrator will definitely notice his trick is not working, and might even think he’s lost “it”.
Which he hasn’t, of course.
Because within normal relationships? That shit ALWAYS works!
Whenever you want your partner to feel really bad, and basically derail the conversation, all you have to do is lie, play stupid or push some buttons, and bam!
That other person will immediately go berserk. First on you, then call her friends, then sulk in frustration for days. All attention will be drawn away from the initial conversation that you didn’t want to have.
That you chose to blow up.
And now the partner who was playing by the rules has basically behaved so poorly, that the other, less honest, cheating, lying party wins. And she may want him back, but there is an internal struggle because she thinks she should leave him. Either she comes back after he makes her feel good about herself, and about him. Or it’s worse and she goes back crawling with incredibly low self-esteem.
In both scenarios he’s come out of it more powerful, and she more weakened.
But the problem of course, the reason she’s coming back, is that there is a super high chance that she likes him even more.
BECAUSE he was totally not sympathetic to her needs!
It’s a Mr.Big and Carrie like situation, from Sex and the City.
She was always the one to break up, because he refused to play by her rules. But that’s what made him so exciting.
So that’s how normal relationships in the normal world play out.
Either both parties play by those rules, and are a team.
Or either one doesn’t and the whole thing feels off.
Whereas a good mistress plays an entirely different game which will allow her to keep her calm with even the most cunning man. So you don’t want to lose six seasons, before you get your Mr.Big? And you don’t want to lose your self-esteem the next time he gaslights you?
Then pay attention.
The key to being a good mistress, versus being a frustrated mistress, or a frustrated partner, is to solve all your shit INTERNALLY.
And without even raising an eyebrow!
You must show absolutely nothing.
And just like in poker, it is crucial that you play your cards right.
Brace yourself, because the moment you can’t project this on a lover, you will practically be overwhelmed by a terrible feeling of insecurity, fear, bad memories and so on. And the painful realization that you have made him the solution. That you were angry because you wanted him to behave in some magic way, so that you didn’t have to feel all that.
That he makes you feel loved, so that you’re never lonely.
That he convinces you, you’re the only one, so that you’re never jealous.
Or that he tells you everything about his adventures, so that there are no secrets anymore and you don’t have to feel left out.
And so on.
But the truth is, that as long as you make you feeling good about yourself dependent on somebody else? It’s never going to be enough.
The holes in your soul cannot be filled by finding the right man.
YOU are the one who has to fix them.
And from that perspective, I have found it extremely beneficial to be a mistress, instead of in a normal relationship.
I have no choice but to fix the holes myself.
And ironically, keeping up the facade is the first step. Because if I play happy and in control, I feel happy and in control.
It’s that easy.
And then after this game of sitting through it, and fake it till you make it, I find out that I really am okay.
Even if he doesn’t call, or doesn’t seem to value me the way I think I “should be” valued – because of who I am, what we have, or any of those things.
My lover, to whom I am a secret mistress, has allowed me to grow stronger and more mature, way more than if I had stayed with men who understood me, were willing to accommodate me, and work around my fears and insecurities.
I understand the rules of normal relationships, and few would trade them for a game where the stakes are high, there is no “us”, and either you learn how to play?
Or you’re out.
But I fear the comfort of a normal relationship, as if it was the devil himself.