Former yoga teacher Lauren is still trying to grasp what hit her.
What she’d like to hit on.
And what didn’t hit her! (twice!)
I went into the weirdest state of love without interference from any of the men I have feelings for!
Because I didn’t get an invitation to come see my lover Big.
No sign of the second man I’m in love with, Christopher.
And just to be thorough? I didn’t get that Long Awaited Email, which I know will be there some day. In which Benjamin will say he wants to see me.
God forbid not because of health issues!
I d rather have him live to be a hundred without ever seeing me. Than to have a creepy diagnosis work in my benefit and speed things up.
Benjamin is my muse, the earliest one I chose, and because I never saw him again he remains forever young and crispy. Although those are probably the two adjectives wants to be associated with the least.
From the little correspondence we had I know he started referring to himself as middle-aged from when he was barely forty. Looking absolutely STUNNING I might add.
Thank you Google, for that.
I ve always felt in my bones that we will one day meet. Not because I would contact him again.
I respect his choice for his family.
But because his curiosity, and a longing for adventure, would take over his brilliant, rational mind. Stranger things have happened to middle aged men.
Speaking of middle aged men!
Oh my God, Christopher, right?
Yesterday, I had dinner with one of my male friends, and I insisted on telling ALL about Christopher. I stopped using this blog as a diary a couple of weeks ago, because things just got too funky.
It was a life imitates art situation, where I knew I would have to deal with my love life, without being able to share it all here.
Which is pretty hard, especially in the Christopher situation, where there’s more to it than I can admit here.
But not in the way I want to, it’s a result of something neither one of us can control. Which is not good enough for me.
I m sure I ve said this before but within the BDSM world (of which I am no part, by the way) there’s this wisdom:
A Dominant wants to be needed.
A Submissive needs to be wanted.
I need to be wanted.
And being wanted because Life is giving us an opportunity to see each other?
And then we could rationalize our feelings as if they happened accidentally?
Not good enough.
Anyway, I was having dinner with a friend and just had to tell the Christopher story. Because he is a fan of Star Wars, I could compare my crush on Christopher to my crush on Kylo Ren, played by Adam Driver:
I had managed to miss both!
(spoiler alert for Star Wars 7 Force Awakens)
I had managed to miss my crush on Kylo Ren, because he killed Han Solo. And you DO NOT kill Han Solo! I had left the theater in awe, thinking this was Daisy Ridley!
Since when did we suddenly turn all bisexual?
And the same thing happened with Christopher.
For months I noticed I was highly inspired to work on my career. My yogastudio. It had provided me with an income for fifteen years, and I wanted that back.
And I also worked on my career as a writer, because well I can’t not do that.
These were also the months that I wrote an application/ send in my work to the only publisher I was interested in.
The email I wrote to him was absolutely magnetic.
For months I noticed this excitement in myself; restless, and sometimes frustrated as well. Because whatever I tried, company-wise, it failed.
It was never quite right.
And I noticed this other thing. Something sexual was going on!
But there was simply no one to put it on!
I knew it didn’t have anything to do with Mr.Big or Benjamin;
because things had not changed with them.
The first one asking me for occasional dates, and the other one absent for years.
I still had feelings for them both, as always.
So I kept going over the other men in my life.
“No. Not him.
No. Not him either.
Tempting. But no.”
Until one Saturday late July I think it was – and I don’t even remember what made it click! – but suddenly I saw it:
“FUCK! Mother of God! It’s Christopher!”
And I was engulfed by shame, guilt, and feeling so very very stupid, that I had managed to miss it.
Which is all so ironic, because when Christopher and me met, he fit the picture perfectly. He had the looks that would normally make me fall in love – but he was way older than me.
And he was also married, and at that time in my life I wasn’t ready to fall in love with married men, or polyamorous men.
I still assumed I could keep things simple.
So when Christopher and me met, and I wanted to ask him out, I was brutally honest. I really said something along the lines of:
“I would love to hang out with you.
But I don’t think I ll fall in love, because you’re way older.
And then men get angry because they feel rejected, and then I get angry too…
So what do you think we should do?”
Christopher looked at me and smiled.
“I ll be fine.”
We went out a few times, and then it settled at once a year.
Which had been this spring.
And we had ended up in a deserted office building, and he showed me the top floor with the view. Somewhere in that setting, where he had been a real gentleman, and had kept a lot of distance between us, leaving space between me and the doors always, that must have been where I fell in love.
But totally unconsciously.
And that was when I started projecting it onto my company. But nothing I did, or reorganized or anything, made sense. It was the more I tried, the less things could be fixed.
Until months later, between the ashes of what once had been a thriving business, it hit me.
And it was so clear that him being rejected was indeed the last thing he had to worry about. Even if it had taken five years or so, for me to break.
Anyway, we have not seen each other anymore since. He really seems to have chosen for his wife.
God, I lost my story… where was I?
Oh! I know!
It was about the dinner with my friend, yesterday!
Either way, I told him the Kylo Ren story – where I had missed I was terribly in love (I want to be tied up by Kylo ren, and have him say “You know I can take whatever I want!!);
And also the Christopher story – who I had dismissed because of age and because we had been seeing each other for so long, and it had cost me my company.
That I, someone who thinks of herself as self-aware, am actually shockingly unaware of my own emotions.
“I really believed I was inspired by entrepreneurship.
And motivated to be a good business woman,” I snorted.
“How stupid! The only things that motivate me are men and sex. I should know that by now.”
And he said he had enjoyed our night together, and then I got the sweetest piece of advice:
“Twice is enough, right? You’ve learned your lesson. Don’t make it three.”
When I got home I found an email from the publisher. Three months after I had written it, I had finally gotten an answer.
I hesitated to open it, after such a great night out. I had felt elevated from just talking about Christopher, reliving the strange series of events this year.
I didn’t want my energy to plummet, and go to bed on a low.
Nor did I want it to spin out of control in excitement, and lose a night sleep over it that way.
But most of all, I didn’t want to lose my lust for writing.
Not now that I had finally given up the yoga studio, and went all in on my biggest passion.
I had no idea how demotivated I would get from a rejection.
So I did something I ve done a couple of times in the past few months. Every time I had to do a scary thing;
Do it with Benjamin.
He’s like my muse, my imaginary partner that helps me to create the life of my dreams. Be the person I want to be.
“We can do this together,” I said as I sat down and started my computer.
I didn’t want to read the email on my phone. It was too important for that.
And the ghost of Benjamin telepathically joined me, and I said to him:
“Whatever happens, I m going to keep writing.”
“Say it again,” he said, standing next to me.
“Whatever happens, I’m going to keep writing.”
“Third time, for good measure.”
“Whatever happens, I’m going to keep writing.”
I opened the email, and it was a rejection. And I felt so relieved, so detached. I was even kind of happy that I could keep self-publishing, and do things my way.
Not have people interfering or pulling at me.
Because all I wanted to do, was writing.
I did know that by now.
An unexamined life is not worth living
Jimmy, Jimmy is the twenty-seventh chapter from Project M.
Gives a 25% discount on all prices
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.
Het Boek Benjamin
verzameld werk Engels en Nederlands
Een meisje vrijt met een jongen en een homoseksuele man. Naast het overweldigende verlangen, is ze zich hyperbewust van de risico’s. Zal haar lust het winnen van de angst?
Zo opent het magnum opus van LS Harteveld.
Na de coming of age novelle Mango, duik je in het dagboek van een yoga docent. En hier blijken de fictieve karakters uit Mango bestaande personen.
Benjamin keert zelfs boek na boek weer terug. Maar wat is de waarheid?
En wie is Benjamin?
Het laatste boek gaat over haar affaire met een getrouwde man die ze Mr. Big noemt.
Waardoor de vraag rijst; Is hij Benjamin?
Heeft LS Harteveld haar muze in bescherming genomen en zijn identiteit veranderd? Of heeft ze een nieuwe liefde gevonden? Een vrouw leunt over een tafel. Ze is naakt, op haar blinddoek na.
Haar minnaar rekt haar grenzen op tot het uiterste van wat nog passend is, in dit spel der geesten. Misschien gaat hij eroverheen, dat blijft in het midden. Maar 25 jaar na de eerste scene, is één ding duidelijk;
de lust heeft gewonnen.
Levering in Nederland
De goedkoopste manier om mijn werk te kopen is via de uitgeverij –
In verband met problemen met de pakjesdiensten én mijn eigen postbus,
kan ik helaas geen boeken meer opsturen.
Maar ik heb ze nog wel.
Je kunt hier beneden de beschrijvingen lezen of mijn boeken
bekijken via de webwinkel en daarna bestellen via mail:
onder mijn eigen naam
Betaling is vooraf via mijn privérekening, en overdracht op het station van Nijmegen.
Signeren gratis uiteraard!
Minimale bestelling € 10
Als je een bon wilt, moet je via de uitgeverij bestellen, en niet via mij.
Hieronder het oeuvre en de prijzen.
alle boeken zijn handzaam A5, behalve Het Boek Benjamin, dat is groot studieboek formaat (soft cover) dat je open moet leggen.
Het Boek Benjamin €45
Verzameld werk boek 1 t/m 8
Beschrijving boven, losse boeken beneden.
1. Mango, een novelle €15
Seksuele safari, van de jaren 80 tot de zero’s.
Een stoer, technisch meisje groeit op met alleen een moeder, in de roerige jaren 80. Roken is nog van alle leeftijden, drinken idem, en seks ook zolang je bestand bent tegen voorlichtingsfolders over aids waarbij het woord AIDS in bloedspatten is geschreven.
Dat blijkt helaas teveel van ‘t goede.
Vermengd met een verleden in Afrika, en een overleden vader, ontwikkelt deze arrogante tiener een angststoornis waar geen psycholoog haar bij kan helpen. Maar ze blijft aangetrokken tot mooie jongens en homoseksuele mannen.
2. Dutch American Diary (2008-2009) €15
Yoga teacher Lauren is in love with two men; One cunning wizard and one half her age.
The affair was secret so Lauren called him; He Who Must Not Be Named. After the dark wizard in the Harry Potter series. She tried to get over this American but after a year she only has her mistakes to show for. Including dating an Israeli spy and a Buddhist photographer.
Now her wizard obsession is back full throttle and the next disaster has already emerged; an attractive yoga student. Young enough to be her son.
Faced with nothing but diabolic choices, Lauren confides in her best friend; the warm and friendly Lara. Despite having the same nationality as He Who Must Not Be Named, and working at the same office coven, Lara seems to lack his foul nature.
Or does she?
Once you’ve read Dutch American Diary? You’ll never ever in your life make the mistake of messing with a yoga teacher.
~Dutch American Diary part 1
3. 22 Erotische Verhalen €15
Literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin en Isabel Allende.
Ze komen en gaan; de kleurrijke personages in deze dromerige erotische wereld, waar ze je één verhaal lang deelgenoot maken van hun diepste verlangen en hun ergste pijn. Die vaker wel dan niet op magische wijze met elkaar verbonden blijken.
Grenzen worden genegeerd, lusten gebotvierd, wonden geheeld.
Sinds Anais Nin heeft geen schrijver zo onbevreesd het grijze gebied durven te betreden tussen het verbodene, het gruwelijke en het goddelijke. De lezer krijgt naast onversneden liefde en zinderende ontknopingen, ook een spiegel voorgehouden die je laat zien wat er zich afspeelt in de donkerste delen van je ziel.
4. LS Diary (2012-2013) €10
About three dark men and Lauren getting naked on stage. Not necessarily together.
Being dark, smart, and handsome, a Dutch writer bears the characteristics Lauren only knows too well. He looks exactly like her male muse and unwanted protagonist in the majority of her writing.
A published writer and sought-after talk show guest, the Dutch writer has succeeded where blogger Lauren is failing year after year. After year. She feels the weight of her unpublished manuscripts, and her failed attempts to become a writer. To make matters worse she already has one ill-natured stalker. As if the liabilities of being famous have preceded its benefits.
Lauren gets her shit together prioritizing her work, ignoring men, sex and stalkers. But will it work? Star struck Lauren meets the celebrity in real life, and soon enough her supposedly highly efficient sex-free life includes a naked guest appearance on stage, a blow-job in a parking garage and a seven month relationship.
~LS Diary can be read as standalone or as Dutch American Diary part 2
5. De Candystop (2013) €10
Waar de Nederlandse literatuur tot stilstand komt door een Marokkaanse lekkernij.
Getergd door een rits onduidelijke medische klachten, besluit Lauren geen suiker meer te eten, geen Chardonnay meer te nemen, en geen latte macchiato’s meer te drinken.
Na een paar weken is ze zo apathisch dat ze zelfs vergeet te masturberen.
Tot een jonge Marokkaanse god op tv verschijnt die tegen Lauren zegt;
“LauRRRen! WakkeRRR woRRRden! Ik ben ook schRRRijveRRR en ik heb ook een leuk leven!”
Dat is zo. Sam doet de vier s’en. Hij schrijft, hij sport, hij sekst en hij slaapt.
Ineens weet Lauren nog steeds niet waar het naartoe moet met haar leven, maar ze is wel klaarwakker. Zeker als ze erachter komt, dat Sam binnen een week een optreden geeft bij haar om de hoek.
Sam doet haar denken aan een verboden relatie met haar leerling, iets waar ze gemengde gevoelens over heeft. Sam wil die best met haar onderzoeken, maar hij vraag een prijs…
6. Bedtime Stories (2014) €15
Facing her demons and her muse, Lauren’s sexual history gets its worthy finale.
Lauren is corresponding with Elliot, but somewhere between The Netherlands and Vegas, things have stranded. To get their project back on track Lauren resorts to strong measures: making the whole damn thing public.
Sharing eight months of her life, Lauren’s third diary reintroduces all popular characters, such as writer Rafael and his legendary mythical counterpart Benjamin. Young writer Sam and his ghost twin Valentino.
Closing the Dutch American Diary trilogy, the 1991 story lines are finally tied together. With an extremely satisfying ending. Although not in a way anyone saw coming.
~LS Diary can be read as standalone or as Dutch American Diary part 3
7. Mirage (2014) €5
Giving you a little dessert, with all gorgeous writers from previous books.
Lauren, the former hedonistic cougar, is home bound, mothering her little ones, sick with worry and about to get dumped by her lover. Together with autumn setting in, Lauren needs her annual Cute Writer Fix more than ever. And this year there’s five of them.
Including a lunch date with the most famous author of the Netherlands; her youth love Henry.
~Mirage can be read as standalone or as the epilogue to the Dutch American Diary trilogy.
8. Big, diaries & erotica (2015-2016) €20
The crown to Lauren’s life; a secret affair with her Biggie.
Ten years and ten lovers have taught Lauren two things.
One: single life is a disaster.
And two: men suck at anal sex.
So when Mr.Big comes along and succeeds where all the others have failed, Lauren is euphoric. She immediately picks up her pen to write about it, and her first story is indeed called “The Biggie”, about his flawless performance.
For two years Lauren documents her secret affair with the married business man. She writes about their explosive encounters, her unwavering love, and her powerful insights. Gradually, Lauren changes. From an scarred single, to a woman totally owning her worth and her true nature. Ten years after ending her relationship in order to explore love and sex in all their forms, Lauren Harteveld becomes the ultimate mistress.
los verkrijgbaar, niet in Het Boek Benjamin:
Witte Tijgerin €5
Gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie.
Een Witte Tijgerin is een alleenstaande, onafhankelijke vrouw. Haar contact met mannen is erop gericht dat ze er energie van krijgt. Stel je voor! Nooit meer gehannes met beginnende relaties die het toch nét niet zijn. Nooit meer die morning-after backlash. Geïnspireerd op het klassieke Taoïstische werk De Witte Tijgerin van Hsi Lai, onthult deze gids;
– hoe je de touwtjes in handen houdt
– hoe je je liefdesleven gebruikt voor je plezier
– hoe je met seks je jeugdigheid herstelt.
Hij zal niet kunnen wachten om weer met je af te spreken!